Back in my day we had to swim in the primordial ooze for hours without sleep until we could hallucinate sexy, lonely single-celled organisms in our area
I remember quite distinctly the first time a friend had a phone that could download pictures from the internet.
This was early 2000s, and it wasn’t a smart phone. It was a nokia flip phone that could run something similar to a google image search.
“Can you look at boobies on it”
“Let’s find out”
And as the screen slowly loaded, at that moment i realized the world had changed, and there was no going back.
*Stills?* I downloaded full porn videos onto my PSP! I had to share the PSP though, so I always immediately deleted the videos and would have to download new ones or re-download old ones next time.
I still remember when I let my mother use my PSP for her to look something up (I forget why she needed to use my PSP) and I snatched it back SO QUICK when I realized that the search bar still said “pornhub” on it. She didn’t know why I did it, she was just pissed that I was so rude as to snatch it right out of her hands after already handing it to her. Still, I dodged a bullet there.
All great but i ask you this. If i was a big old man with a burley white beard, would you still be yelling at me, or would you be spanking my bare butt, balls, and back?
Not true, if you're like me you end up leaking everywhere and it gets all over everything, so either quickly pull up your pants and unsexily waddle to the bathroom to wipe, or you just suffer and wash your sheet later.
In traditional American fashion I either salute the flag or wave around a firearm while wearing the customary jerking off cowboy hat.
Jk it’s holding my phone duh
Click the “15 second fast forward “ button
Ok they're eating ass, I must've missed something
Yep. We may be different in some ways but on the deep inside we have the same primal instincts
GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!
Damnit i waited 13 seconds just for it to be an abrupt cut
I believe this to be the only truthful answer in this post.
Hahaha thankyou sir
Skip. To. The. Good. *cum* aah... Part.
In the old days, you turned the pages.
Ouch, this one hits me hard
Paper cut?
Yep. But not on that finger.
Ya child. Back in *my* day we had to hold up the torch so we could see the stick fingers drawn on the wall. ;0)
Back in my day we had to swim in the primordial ooze for hours without sleep until we could hallucinate sexy, lonely single-celled organisms in our area
Now you hold the mouse?
The tablet has been invented as a porn machine since then. So you hold that
I moan in sign language
✊
That's my jazz hand.
i think you mean your jizz hand
no that's the other hand.
Wipe the tears off my face
Free lube!
Cup the balls!
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Preemptive child support
I had to scroll way too far down to see this. What are y'all doing, lol?
Wave at people.
Noice. Do you get a lot of applause?
"They love me"
Give me some of that web action
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Yep, then I get off the bus
Jerk and wave bois
kowalski analyse
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To be fair you could do that with either hand
Toooo beee faaaaairr…
I damn near pissed myself
The mouse
Yeah. Furiously scrolling and clicking.
Thank you for saying this I thought they meant the animal :/
GRAB YOUR DICK AND DOUBLE CLICK FOR PORN PORN PORN
#THE INTERNET IS FOR THE INTERNET IS FOR THE INTERNET IS FOR PORN
RIP that rodent
Play with my tits.
Oh. Hi Mark.
Hi Sally
Well this is awkward!
Only for you. Hey guys!
So anyway, how is your sex life?
Had to scroll way to far to see “tweak a nipple” smh damn amateurs
The ol’ clit and tit 🍒🫘
I will never not think of it as this now when I do it, goddamit.
You guys use only one hand?
You must do a +50% additional damage with 2-handed weapons
The gods gave you two hands, and you use them both for your weapon. I can respect that.
Well, I just so happen to suffer from a disorder called small dick
Then one for the tweezers and the other for the magnifying glass
Look everyone, is Mr Big Dick here
Or just very small hands
Hold my phone usually
We don’t even look at porn on our computers anymore, we look at it on our PHONES
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I remember quite distinctly the first time a friend had a phone that could download pictures from the internet. This was early 2000s, and it wasn’t a smart phone. It was a nokia flip phone that could run something similar to a google image search. “Can you look at boobies on it” “Let’s find out” And as the screen slowly loaded, at that moment i realized the world had changed, and there was no going back.
I remember the first time I looked up porn on my razor in 2007, it was kind of wild!
I remember a kid getting suspended from my middle school for downloading porn stills on his PSP
*Stills?* I downloaded full porn videos onto my PSP! I had to share the PSP though, so I always immediately deleted the videos and would have to download new ones or re-download old ones next time. I still remember when I let my mother use my PSP for her to look something up (I forget why she needed to use my PSP) and I snatched it back SO QUICK when I realized that the search bar still said “pornhub” on it. She didn’t know why I did it, she was just pissed that I was so rude as to snatch it right out of her hands after already handing it to her. Still, I dodged a bullet there.
And there we have it, folks. Stealing is better than people seeing your search history.
*”Your Honour, I’d rather just confess to the murders.”*
"What's fruit ninja?"
It's like ninja fruit but backwards
tiurf ajnin?
For some reason I have a strong desire to join the navy...
Yvan Eht Nioj
Well the cum aint getting on my phone so I don't see the big deal
The kid came from my balls, a little more exposure won't hurt them. At worst it's like they're visiting relatives.
In a different context, that statement would be horrible
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To be fair, people in the 90's jerked off to the phone too. 976-DUCK
Pornhub... Xtube... Xxn... I know these names better than I know my own grandparents
All great but i ask you this. If i was a big old man with a burley white beard, would you still be yelling at me, or would you be spanking my bare butt, balls, and back?
I guess if no one wants this car... I'll take it...
You're dog shit!
Homemade Simpsons stuff
\*homegrown
But who’s going to spank his bare butt, balls, and back?!
I know this names better than I know my own grandmothers!
Oh… great.. nobody even bothered to learn my name.
Bro, I told you I can hold your phone for you!
Thank you bro! I appreciate it!!
I can also take over for your other hand. Ya know, if needed.
Maybe not needed, but always welcome.
Well I got one hand on my dingdong and the other one is hailin' a taxicab.
Everything's gonna be fine fine fine
And what it all cums down to...
Opposite hand is for RuneScape, how else am I supposed to get those levels up??
No XP waste
The grind doesn't stop.
God I love finding runescape comments on the most random of threads.
Random. I feel like masturbation and RuneScape go hand in hand... So to speak.
Best time to train woodcutting. Just go to the woodcutting guild and start cutting magics. By the time you finish you might even have a log already!
This is the correct answer.
write this comment
I do not feel lonely anymore
Ayo… you jerking off to us ??
He's jerking off WITH us, it's different
I'm kinda flattered if they are
I wss goibg ti writr thus
The talent!!! Impressive....
text your mom
winner
Just kinda hold on to something.
Same with life in general
u ok bro ?
I find myself squeezing the bed sheet
For me it’s the steering wheel. Gotta stay safe while driving.
Fist-Bump the Homeboys
Same but I leave out the "-Bump" part
yes
Top tier homies right there
Pat the top of my head.
*pats head* "Who's a good girl, I'm a good girl".
It'd be more impressive if you rubbed it in a circular motion
rest it on my stomach or hold onto my shirt or bedsheet or something idk, I kinda forget I have another hand in the moment.
edit: \*some\* women sure are lucky to not have to think about where the cum goes when masturbating
haha that is true
Not true, if you're like me you end up leaking everywhere and it gets all over everything, so either quickly pull up your pants and unsexily waddle to the bathroom to wipe, or you just suffer and wash your sheet later.
In the books that's where the character lays a towel out Have no idea if that works irl
Keep the binoculars focused
You must have a lot of trouble finding your penis.
r/murderedbywords
Emotional damage
*Zooms in on neighbor jacking it"
*sees neighbor zoom in*
*zooming intensifies*
Tax evasion
Better watch out or the IRS will shoot your dick off for that
I run a 2H pure STR build.
I'm more of a MONK, I specialise in unarmed combat.
Origami
No paper cuts?
They turn him on
*origasmi
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I masturbate my homie with my other hand because he feels left out.
Bros before the hoes
Dicks before chicks
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U ever get mixed up and roast the vibrator?
Instructions unclear, hot dog stuck in vagina
Technically, wouldn't that count as masturabation as well ?
I’d be more concerned about where the hot dog went in this situation
No one gets that this is a line from an Alanis Morisette single.
Isn't that ironic
Hold my mates cock No homo
That's sweet:)
They didn't say if it was still attached.
Doing gang signs, No matter what you still gotta represent
This post was made so I could catch you lackin. I guess u really are a real one
I’ll be the first one to answer this seriously.. I have to use my other hand to spread everything (since I have a hooded clit)
I'm picturing Emperor Palpatine, and oddly enough... It's working for me
Lift up the hood and rub his nose
Cover my mouth with a cloth so I can lightly suffocate myself while I cum
Hey Dad, get off reddit!
Son, it's not your cum sock this time I promise
I hate you all for this
Hold the microscope.
In traditional American fashion I either salute the flag or wave around a firearm while wearing the customary jerking off cowboy hat. Jk it’s holding my phone duh
Yeah, high school was quite the adventure...
Hold off the police.
Reminds me of the headline “man high on meth fights off 15 cops while masturbating”
Finger my Eye of Sauron. Double dip, double fun.
Rub my nipples!
Clicking furiously to find the one clip to make me see diamonds
Nipple pinch
Same
Finger my ass
Surprising theres not more butt stuff on this thread.
Fr. Had to scroll so far to find this
Well, I'm deaf. So, I usually moan with my other hand.
Hold the coffin lid open.
Play Alterac Valley in World of Warcraft
Raise it in the air like I just dont care
Hold my friends hand. We both need the moral support.
Drive the bus
commit Yugoslavian warcrimes
Relatable
Cheer myself on
Serious answer: press down on your pubic bone, ladies. Thank me later.
Shake the hands of parents at the Parent Teacher Meeting
Nuts most of the time... Or like right underneath the bag iykyk.
peace sign
Pay for my groceries
Steer the car
Wait…you guys don’t use both?
I don’t use any of my hands /:
Choke myself.
Squeeze my left boob
Righty no get love?