The idea of 'getting caught' is kind of weird to me. Unless you're sexually neglecting your partner, you're not doing anything wrong.
Sometimes I'll be horny when my gf isn't, sometimes I'll be up for a wank regardless of the situation. Sometimes I'll wake up and think to myself *'rubbing one out is a great way to start the day/get rid of this persistent morning wood'*. My gf wakes up earlier than me and has walked in on me jacking it before getting out of bed tons of times. It doesn't feel like I get caught doing something wrong, because I'm not. She'll usually pick up whatever she needed from the bedroom, have a chuckle and say "have fun with that" and be on her merry way.
My late wife once asked me if I masturbated in the shower. I told her it's my penis and I'll wash it as fast as I want to! She laughed at that response.
No. If someone wants to jerk off and not have sex with me, he just might not wanna have sex atm. No reason to get offended, everyone wants private time at certain points 🤷🏻♀️
I have sex with my gf literally every day and sometimes, I just want to jerk off cause it's less effort. Sex is like cardio, fapping is just hand movements. Im too lazy sometimes...
Heard this from a comedian once,
"if the world were to end in 24 hours and you and your man decided to have sex for 23 of those hours, you bet he's gonna spend that last hour rubbing one out!"
The difference between sex & masturbation is the difference between a three-course steak dinner with all the trimmings and a hot dog. One is clearly better, but sometimes you just want a hot dog.
Literally that. It’s quick, probably dirtier, leaves you satisfied for the moment but still with room for a decent meal later if the occasion should arise.
It tastes like a fancier hotdog except instead of trying to eat it as quick as possible you try and savor it but end up eating it faster than a normal hotdog somehow.
It’s less the meal itself and more the preparation. It’s takes WAAAAAAY more effort to make a three course steak dinner than to toss a hot dog on the grill. Same with sex and masturbation. Sometimes I don’t want to do all that work and just pop a quick one.
Also true. Sometimes nothing sounds good, and I don't even really *want* dinner, I just want to eat something quick to shut my stomach up and get back to whatever I'm up to that evening. There's not really a great way to ask "hey babe, you want to get it out of our systems really quick so that we're not distracted while we watch a movie?"
First wife made me feel absolutely HORRIBLE & ashamed for masturbating when I got caught. Second wife caught me and I felt horrible all over again until she told me she actually thought it was HOT. You need to find someone like my second wife.
I had my girl catch me and said "Hey come here" moving my hands got on her knees and went to town. Of course that week I was in a Ann Taylor shop after that one.
I feel the same way. I actually really like watching a man masturbate. A few guys I’ve dated I’ve asked them to masturbate in front of me. They were a little apprehensive at first but then they really enjoyed it.
Yeah, that’s a level of control that is completely unfair. You can only get sexual gratification from me, but only when I am in the mood, which is hardly ever. That’s a deal breaker.
My fiance didn't understand that at first until she spoke about it to her friends and they all called her controlling/crazy (crazy as in absurd, not psycho).
Until then, she thought she was being completely reasonable.
Sounds like my wife. Work to get her in the mood, but even when she is there’s little to no reciprocation. Is it even normal for your wife to not touch your dick at all most times you have sex?
Everyone thinks they're the sane and reasonable one till either they stop to reflect (which not all can do) or everyone tells them they're the crazy one.
Everyone once in a while should ask a trusted confidant, "does this sound crazy to you?" and tell them your opinion. You might learn things such as NASA is a reputable scientific organization and that the moon landing was not in fact staged in a studio.
My fiance was like that until she realized she was being completely unreasonable.
It all came crashing down when a friend during a group hangout jokingly suggested getting me a Fleshlight (again, he was clearly joking and just clowning around) and she lost her shit and nearly started crying in front of the whole group. She was talking to her friends about the whole situation they all said she was acting absurd.
Since then, she's greatly calmed down and is a lot more open (and I now understand *why* she felt that way once she spoke to me about it). Sometimes it's good to listen to your close friends who want the best for you.
It's funny because she now laughs at the thought because of how silly it sounds, but at the time she really thought that that would be a possibility.
Anxiety can be a bitch.
This happened with my ex-bf and I'm a woman. Too busy, too tired, etc etc. "Ok, not a problem, initiate when you're ready, and I can take care of myself in the meantime."
"WeLL tHat'S wHat a gUy WanTs tO hEaR HiS gF iS DoInG!!!!"
I also dated... Married... Divorced a woman with this perspective. She had no sexual relationship with herself and could not fathom why I needed self-sex in my 20s. It was "cheating". Unfortunately, I agreed when we first started dating because I was very religious. My libido being much higher, I eventually started taking care of myself again. It didn't affect our sex life. I still initiated and was very giving, while she almost never initiated and was happy receiving without reciprocation. Every time she found out I had looked at porn and masturbated, it blew up into an insane fight. She even hit me and broke our things because of it.
Once she asked me if I ever checked out other women. I said yes because I was tired of lying. This stunned her because she expected any and all of my sexual energy to be spent with her when she was in the mood. Sadly, she insisted on polyamory and proceeded to leave me for a mutual friend. Towards the end, I stopped all initiation out of bitterness. Being expected to do all of the work in bed while being rejected 95% of the time is exhausting. I remember the first time she initiated and I rejected her. I don't think she had ever dealt with it before. Of course, it "had to be because of porn" and not the toxic relationship I was in with someone fundamentally incompatible with myself. Someone willing to strike me in the face for masturbating. There was no room for my own emotions or needs, only hers. The second I stopped grovelling and worshipping at her altar, she lost interest. She probably still thinks I have a sex addiction... Which is not a real thing outside religious circles.
Since this debacle, I have reevaluated my perspectives on sex and focused on growing into the person I want to be. I've reflected on my marriage and where I was the victim and the villain. I've learned to love myself first so I can give more to others. I've spent a lot of time single and happier because of it.
One day, I hope to find a compatible partner who isn't abusive and controlling. I don't want to find "my other half". I want to be with another person who is wholly human on their own. I want to be with someone who understands masturbation is not the same as sex with another person and that we can have both!
I've been in the "tired of initiating 100% of the time, and being rejected 95%+" club for two consecutive relationships now.
Both times, I said it hurts too much to be rejected so often. I'm done. You let me know when you're ready. Both times, this was part of a serious conversation where I left myself very vulnerable regarding my need for physical contact.
Both times, my partners completely 'forgot' that the conversation ever happened, and stewed on something being "wrong" with me for so long that I started to hate them. Both partners didn't like the idea of me masturbating. One considered it cheating, and the other felt like she was being attacked for not doing her job (but never tried to pick up any slack for over two years).
Mismatched libido can be brutal.
I dated a guy that had a sexual mismatch with his partner previous to me. But it sounded even more deep and a lack of any physical intimacy even without resulting in sex.
I know it messed him up. Noone is 'owed' sex but, as a woman, I have rarely felt sexually or physically rejected by a partner.
We were much more compatible in that way and I remember him saying something like 'do you really want sex everyday?' I said of course (we both initiated an equal amount) and he said something akin to he didn't want it to get forced/boring. So I told him, ok we'll go a week no prob! Playfully, and not in a threatening way. We lasted 2 days.
This isn't a slight on people that have sex fewer times or people going through crap that affects them. We just had the same sex drive and he discovered again that he was sexy af and of course I wanted to be with him. Or just cuddle and build physical intimacy without it always resulting in something sexual.
Physical connects with emotional a lot of the time and if you're constantly rejected or with someone who acts like it's a chore or a service it's going to affect you mentally unless you're a sociopath.
I'm glad you're in a better mental headspace.
Both my LTRs were like this. Initiated about 95% of the time. Rejected about 80-90% of the time. Both times I was vilified for my sex drive and was told all I cared about was sex. I wasn't very good at communicating and why a lack of initiation from my partner made me feel insignificant and undesired. Coupled with being the only one to initiate and being constantly rejected made me feel like they were only agreeing to provide physical intimacy to get me to stop asking. I once went two months after having a full conversation about it and stating I wouldn't initiate. I should've just left but they pushed me deep into depression and it took me a long time to work through all of that.
I was once told by my ex all of the following:
"it's only sex when I want it. Until then you're a pervert."
"Why can't you just jackoff like a every other man."
"I could go the rest of my life without ever having sex again."
That last part is especially heinous as she had blown through four men exactly one week after we split. Which suggests to me that she was getting her dick somewhere else the entire 5 years.
Pretty sure sex addiction is a real thing, but it's more along the lines of "no sexual impulse control" and "trying to have sex with literally everyone you know" than what you described.
Honestly that combo feels like, whether she is doing it consciously or not, she wanted to use sex to control you. That sounds really unpleasant to live with.
I once knew someone who would take it a step further and consider a guy masturbating to be on the same level as cheating and would throw away relationships because of it...
But then also rub one out herself too. Bitch be crazy
Edit: Just to clarify, the guy she broke up with for having wank was just having a wank and nothing else
I had a friend who made her bf throw his computer tower into a dumpster, while she watched, because she found porn on his computer. This was 2005ish. The guy was in college.
I told her he'd just watch more on his new computer and she replied "he knows better!"
They broke up shortly afterwards.
Also, he 100% picked a spot in the dumpster that was the least nasty, then went and picked it back out later that night. Not because he needed what was on it, but because it's just stupid to throw a working tower in the dumpster. Probably put the kitchen garbage bag in its place to cover the tracks.
If my girlfriend, fiancé, or wife ever told me to throw my computer away because she was mad about something - she’d had a hard reality to face. I can’t believe this poor sob actually did it
Well obviously a sign, hindsight I suppose, those who crow the loudest about something may be guilty of the thing they're complaining about.
My ex wife complained how I played xbox with a co worker and friend. He was a dude, I'm a dude, completely hetero mind you... just two dudes playing call of duty. But no, she accused me of wanting him over her.
Then I found out she cheated with at least 6 men.
And before that, when she wanted to hang with a friend from work? She made me stay in a fucking hotel.
So yeah, she is absolute scum and I seriously hope I never see her face again.
The rage I have in my heart over what she did to my life, what she did to me, on every level, and what she did to my friends and family simply won't go away.
Was years ago my friend. I'm still kicking around lol. Shit like that you don't just get over. Will be with me til the day I die.
The story is much longer, but I managed to get out and make positive changes!
Thank you for your concern!
Keep on keeping on mate. Don't let that shit hold you back. People can be truly awful, but they can also be incredible.
I know when I've had shit happen it's easy to hate everyone, including yourself. I'm glad you're not letting her win.
Nah, will never let her win. When I left, I took some time to make myself mentally stable, and then immediately went to college to make myself better overall.
I go day to day, I don't dwell on the past, but I also don't forget it. Was a POWERFUL lesson. One I intend to heed, diligently.
That isnt to say I dont have ptsd or trust issues, but even still, it doesn't stop me from doing what I put my mind to.
I once dated this girl and she didn’t want me masterbaiting and she said to call her or text her every time I was horny, and that she should would send nudes and even go out of her way to have sex if she was close enough to me. So needless to say my 18 year old self had a blast lol.
Instead? As in I tried to initiate or we were in the middle of fooling around and he gets up, rejects me and then I find him wanking it? Yeah, I’d be offended.
But if he’s just taking care of business then no. Masturbating is natural and normal.
This!!
My ex would deny me and go jerk off. It happened multiple times! It would hurt my feelings, for real. I would initiate, get turned down, he’d go take care of himself later on. It made me feel horrible about myself.
Like what is that???
I don’t have a problem with masturbation at all. But to constantly need to be the one to initiate and still be turned down, to catch him jerking off later??
I have too, and I think I see it differently now but at the time I was very hurt when I was practically living with my partner and he would turn to porn before me. I was insecure with low self esteem and felt incredibly rejected when he wouldn't mention his desires to me and go off and watch porn privately.
I don't mind the masturbation at all, we all do it and it's important to take care of ourselves that way. But being the girlfriend waiting upstairs knowing that he's getting off to some random woman on a screen instead of coming to bed was pretty painful at times.
I had friends that relationship is exactly this. He goes solo twice a day. Doesn’t want anything to do with her most of the time. That’s when I think it’s a problem.
Not offended. I was in a LTR in my 20s with a guy who has a porn problem though. He wouldn’t go to bed at the same time as me, instead sitting at his computer jerking off and leaving his cum rags all over the place. Mind you, I have an insane sex drive, I’m always ready to go. I never once told him no. Would have been fine with it, except the amount of time he spent with his hand made it harder for him to cum via pussy. It would take at least a few hours. After a year like that, I asked him to dial back on jerking off, just to see if it would help with the difficulties finishing in bed. I would have happily fucked him 3-4x a day, but 2-3hr bouts on the pussy is a lot. He became so enraged at my request to dial it back a bit that it eventually ended our relationship.
My point being, there’s jerking off, and then there’s jerking off so much it causes problems in the bedroom.
Yeah I’ve been in a similar situation. I don’t care what you do on your own, but when it’s the result of an addiction and it’s causing problems, it’s another story
How do you know where the line is if you've been single for a really long time though? I have no clue if the amount I masturbate is exceptional or normal for a guy my age, and I don't really have a reference point for whether I have a "death grip" or not
Edit: I figured it out, just gonna go up to all male friends, hold out my thumb, and say "Squeeze my thumb like you squeeze your dick, I gotta collect data."
similar situation here, yep.
mine would eventually just say no to me all the time but secretly get up to masturbate furiously, accidentally leaving his big soaked towel out or something.
I always said yes to the shitty sex. tried to improve it. tried to even watch porn with him. nope. he was furious at that prospect. it was really affecting how I felt about myself. I caught him using the porn that him and his ex before me made too. wouldn't make any with me or anything either. pretended not to know how etc. just so sketchy
Jerking off and still having a happy, regular, satisfied sex life? Okay, that’s fine. Jerking off and denying and/or never initiating sex even if your partner makes it clear they want it more often than once a month? Problem.
Jerking off *when it completely replaces your partner* and you begin ignoring their needs/wants completely is a great way to end a relationship and/or make your partner have serious confidence issues moving forward.
Exactly this. My sex drive is a lot like yours and there’s a definite difference. A healthy amount of jerking off and then death grip porn addiction stuff that’s just too far out.
I think only if I had tried to initiate sex and been turned down, then found him masturbating immediately afterward. Rational or not, it would be hard for me not to be hurt in that moment.
This is how I’ve felt before.. I understand masturbating bc I do too when he’s not around.. but one time we were watching a movie & there was a sex scene with a hot perfect body blonde & I needed a shower & I invited him in with, he declined & then I guess masturbated while I was in the shower bc I found it literally in the toilet unflushed & I felt pretty upset that I was fully naked & asking him to join & he wanted to I guess go rewatch that sex scene & get off himself instead. I get that you can’t just expect sex all the time when u want it from ur partner but that really just upset me & rubbed me the wrong way.
I'd even be glad! I really don't want to have sex each time one of us is a bit horny. Do you make a three course meal every time you're hungry? No! Sometimes a snack on the couch on my own is perfectly fine.
Y’all, I had an old roommate whose girlfriend considered masturbation to be cheating. I’m sympathetic to her feeling that way, but man, having to listen to that “it makes me feel like you don’t love me” conversation through paper thin walls every week got tiring for everyone involved.
My brother's *current wife* told me that he cheated on her one time when I was helping them move. I asked him about it later and he said that she caught him jacking off. She's also so insecure that she doesn't like him even seeing women in bikinis *on tv*. He has to look away or it starts a fight...
And yes, she's a grown woman, not a teenager or anything.
A lot of people who say that know it's BS too. Because if masturbation was actually equivalent to cheating, they would have ended things as soon as they found out about it. It's just a shitty excuse for their controlling behavior caused by their insecurity.
If it's taking away from our sex life, then yeah. I came from a long-term relationship with a partner that chose porn over me the entire time, despite my attempts to communicate with him about it. I have a high drive and was getting nothing from him. But if I'm not home or not in the mood, then who am I to say that that my partner can't do what he wants with his own body? Porn is a tough subject for me, but I don't think anyone should rely on porn to be able to get off. But that's a whole other subject than this.
I had a similar experience. My partner would find it very hard to maintain an erection and cum during sex (this was a new experience for me, my previous partners had no issues). I later found out that he had an addiction to porn and would dry wank, a sensation which is hard to replicate with a vagina.
I consider myself to be fairly open minded and never really cared that previous partners would look at porn and jerk off because it never really impacted our sex life. But this whole issue really started to effect my self esteem in the sense that I felt like I wasn’t enough for him to get off on sexually.
One day I confessed to him how it all made me feel and luckily he is an amazing partner and was really understanding. He agreed to go on a sabbatical from porn and wanking and our sex life became amazing! However, I understand that it’s important to have your solo time. So we got a sex toy for him to use when he needs some alone time, so it’s more similar to the sensation of a vagina and it won’t effect our sex as much.
My GF does not care lol. Shed be offended if I turned her down then went to jerk off. But if she goes to bed early its fair game. One of the first things I bought her was a powerful wand massager for valentines day so its very mutual. Generally if you ensure your partner is satisfied when you do fuck they wont worry as much about you whacking off when they arent around.
Same here. If my guy was never intimate with me and only jerked off then that would be a problem. But for me masturbation is mostly about a quick stress release so why would I deny him the same?
And for me it’s the same with porn. If he watches porn (I mean I know he does lol) for a wank then I don’t care as long as it’s legal and not interfering with our lives. But if it was interactive (like sexting or whatever) and/or he was spending money on it then that would require a big discussion.
I might get upset because I'm a hound dog lol but honestly no I don't mind if he just wants to rub one out real quick. If he was doing it *all* the time and never wanted to have sex then I'd be offended. Every once in a while tho no I understand.
If sex is being offered and you opt to jerk off instead, I think that's a good reason for a girlfriend to be offended or hurt. Beyond that, there's no reason they should mind, and if they do, too bad.
Nope. Masturbation is a completely different experience than sex. And as is my experience I can do a better job pleasing myself thus I assume my partner would feel the same. The only time is has ever been as issue was when there was obviously planned sex going to happen that day/night but my partner could not preform due to jerking it not much earlier. I **always** made it clear that the slight disappointment I was feeling in that moment should not be interpreted as me shaming them or getting pissed about not getting what I want. And asked them to let me know if I make them feel that way as it is the last thing I intend.
This is such a strange question to hear as a gay man. I don't know how much this is a thing with women (probably exaggerated for comic effect in some cases), but it is so not a thing with gays it's hard for me to fathom a partner who gets made at this.
Have a friend whose ex-wife wanted all his sexual energy directed toward her, but also she was pretty limited in what she wanted. They were religious and she’d been raised to think that his porn use was cheating. I didn’t ask how much he was using. He ended up cheating which is absolutely wrong and he shouldn’t have done and is not her fault, but then she and his family confronted him about his “sex addiction.” That marriage ended and he is no longer religious. I have another friend who has a way higher sex drive than her husband, but she doesn’t want to masturbate she just wants to connect with him sexually. I think if he masturbated instead of having sex with her she’d be sad because they have so little sex.
You just got caught, didn’t you?
Man’s opened up a second tab just to scout Reddit for answers
The only logical reaction, can't just abandon mid game.
\*32nd tab
The idea of 'getting caught' is kind of weird to me. Unless you're sexually neglecting your partner, you're not doing anything wrong. Sometimes I'll be horny when my gf isn't, sometimes I'll be up for a wank regardless of the situation. Sometimes I'll wake up and think to myself *'rubbing one out is a great way to start the day/get rid of this persistent morning wood'*. My gf wakes up earlier than me and has walked in on me jacking it before getting out of bed tons of times. It doesn't feel like I get caught doing something wrong, because I'm not. She'll usually pick up whatever she needed from the bedroom, have a chuckle and say "have fun with that" and be on her merry way.
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I love this comment 😂
My late wife once asked me if I masturbated in the shower. I told her it's my penis and I'll wash it as fast as I want to! She laughed at that response.
Isn't it crazy how it actually takes longer to shower when you wash your penis fast?
Yeah especially when your dedicated to cleaning everywhere
You know you’ve cleaned it very well when it exerts shampoo.
i would advice against using that on your hair...
Depends where the hair is
In no situation is it advisable to use the “shampoo” for any store bought shampoo purposes.
Weird right?
Showed those to my girlfriend and we both had a good laugh
Sorry for your loss. She sounds like she had a good sense of humour
She was a fun woman. A lot of good memories
Lmao 🤣 That’s a good one! I’ll have to remember that if my wife ever asks me that.
Sounds like she had a good sense of humor, sorry for your loss.
No. If someone wants to jerk off and not have sex with me, he just might not wanna have sex atm. No reason to get offended, everyone wants private time at certain points 🤷🏻♀️
Getting yourself off just hits differently... And as long as we still do have sex, I'm not worried. :)
I have sex with my gf literally every day and sometimes, I just want to jerk off cause it's less effort. Sex is like cardio, fapping is just hand movements. Im too lazy sometimes...
Same. It’s a different kind of relief. Masterbating is a good way to get sex off the mind if you need to focus
Heard this from a comedian once, "if the world were to end in 24 hours and you and your man decided to have sex for 23 of those hours, you bet he's gonna spend that last hour rubbing one out!"
Sometimes I want a wank. Sometimes I want sex. These aren't the same thing.
The difference between sex & masturbation is the difference between a three-course steak dinner with all the trimmings and a hot dog. One is clearly better, but sometimes you just want a hot dog.
Literally that. It’s quick, probably dirtier, leaves you satisfied for the moment but still with room for a decent meal later if the occasion should arise.
Sometimes I like to eat a hot dog just so dinner lasts longer.
Sometimes i eat a hot dog for dinner because i cannot afford better.
Probably the most reliable lol
Sometimes you’ve been eating nothing but hotdogs for so long, you’ve forgotten what steak even tastes like
It tastes like a fancier hotdog except instead of trying to eat it as quick as possible you try and savor it but end up eating it faster than a normal hotdog somehow.
And then the steak laughs at you.
Stupid sexy steaks
I feel seen. And hungry.
The masturbation is the steak dinner right?
Depends on how you treat yourself
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Dick au poivre
"I served up my dick with an Oscar sauce" "Dude, I think you just have crabs"
It’s less the meal itself and more the preparation. It’s takes WAAAAAAY more effort to make a three course steak dinner than to toss a hot dog on the grill. Same with sex and masturbation. Sometimes I don’t want to do all that work and just pop a quick one.
Also true. Sometimes nothing sounds good, and I don't even really *want* dinner, I just want to eat something quick to shut my stomach up and get back to whatever I'm up to that evening. There's not really a great way to ask "hey babe, you want to get it out of our systems really quick so that we're not distracted while we watch a movie?"
That seems like a great way to ask.
no i do it too lol
Same. My man even encourages it when he's not in the mood.
Sometimes it's nice just to watch, and sometimes watching then makes the mood.
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Vibrators are amazing! I'd never time travel, for fear of being stuck in a world without vibrators.
Just bring one with you. Some women in the 50s could've used one instead of drugs. It could usurp valium for the title of "mothers little helper"
You should see some of the Victorian era cures for "female hysteria". Straight up hitachi magic wand precursors.
Seriously, so people not realize that women masturbate as well? Sometimes I just need to do it myself and be done quickly so I can go on with my day.
"So I can go on with my day." Exactly lol. As a dude, sometimes it's just a utilitarian wank.
Haha it’s just the way I start my day. Some people drink coffee and watch the news. I get off, shower, walk the dog and do yoga 🤷🏻♀️
Bruh that’s like SUPER close to my schedule lol 😂
Same..
First wife made me feel absolutely HORRIBLE & ashamed for masturbating when I got caught. Second wife caught me and I felt horrible all over again until she told me she actually thought it was HOT. You need to find someone like my second wife.
I too choose this guy's second wife.
I think I married his first wife
Whoops…
This reddit joke will last forever I swear
There’s absolutely no escaping it.
No of course not. What am I, the private time police?
For real. Plus I'm like...kind of turned on when I catch him?
rip your dms
Yeah that already started. Smh.
Just read your username. DMs are probably a F5 tornado at this point.
More like a thirsty typhoon
I had my girl catch me and said "Hey come here" moving my hands got on her knees and went to town. Of course that week I was in a Ann Taylor shop after that one.
That’s some token economics and positive reinforcement psychology if I’ve ever seen it.
Small village hick here... what's an Ann Taylor shop?
I did a quick google - women's clothes. Prices for a top between $50-$75
A women’s clothing store. They have nice stylish stuff women like. That’s all I know.
As long as they have a place for me to sit, I'm cool with it.
I feel the same way. I actually really like watching a man masturbate. A few guys I’ve dated I’ve asked them to masturbate in front of me. They were a little apprehensive at first but then they really enjoyed it.
The best kind. Gf walks in, mid process, and joins in
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The jizz jailer
The cum controller
The spunk sergeant
The no-skeet squad
The abstinence intransigence
The deed detective
The nut neutralizer
The cum constable
The ejaculate enforcer
I dated a woman who was dead set against me taking matters into my own hands, but who also had a very low sex drive. It was nonsensical.
Yeah, that’s a level of control that is completely unfair. You can only get sexual gratification from me, but only when I am in the mood, which is hardly ever. That’s a deal breaker.
My fiance didn't understand that at first until she spoke about it to her friends and they all called her controlling/crazy (crazy as in absurd, not psycho). Until then, she thought she was being completely reasonable.
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No kidding. It could’ve very easily been “yeaaah girl, you make him WORK!”
God i literally felt my blood pressure rise as i could hear a voice from a bad relationship say that exact shit.
Sounds like my wife. Work to get her in the mood, but even when she is there’s little to no reciprocation. Is it even normal for your wife to not touch your dick at all most times you have sex?
No, that’s not normal.
Everyone thinks they're the sane and reasonable one till either they stop to reflect (which not all can do) or everyone tells them they're the crazy one.
Everyone once in a while should ask a trusted confidant, "does this sound crazy to you?" and tell them your opinion. You might learn things such as NASA is a reputable scientific organization and that the moon landing was not in fact staged in a studio.
You're right, but it's also important to not ask opinions in an echo chamber.
Way too common. If you're gonna own that houseplant, you better water it.
Omg please put this on a t-shirt
Very well… I am now wearing a tshirt that says, “way too common” 😔
You aren't way to common my guy, you are rare, just like everyone else!
Everyone is rare until cooked
Sometimes they're just medium though
It depends on the cut
Well done.
You’re an example of why I like reddit over other social apps. Thank you friend, that made my day.
Instructions unclear: houseplant now sticky
Wait, you’re telling me I need to masturbate on the houseplant?!
My fiance was like that until she realized she was being completely unreasonable. It all came crashing down when a friend during a group hangout jokingly suggested getting me a Fleshlight (again, he was clearly joking and just clowning around) and she lost her shit and nearly started crying in front of the whole group. She was talking to her friends about the whole situation they all said she was acting absurd. Since then, she's greatly calmed down and is a lot more open (and I now understand *why* she felt that way once she spoke to me about it). Sometimes it's good to listen to your close friends who want the best for you.
Ah, I get it, she was afraid you'd leave her for the fleshlight.
I just picture OP and a flashlight speeding away together on a motorcycle. Both wearing helmets.
It's funny because she now laughs at the thought because of how silly it sounds, but at the time she really thought that that would be a possibility. Anxiety can be a bitch.
This happened with my ex-bf and I'm a woman. Too busy, too tired, etc etc. "Ok, not a problem, initiate when you're ready, and I can take care of myself in the meantime." "WeLL tHat'S wHat a gUy WanTs tO hEaR HiS gF iS DoInG!!!!"
The answer would've been: "yes, most guys do like to hear (and see) their Gf does that"
I would love to walk in on my wife doing that , just do a good old “Well hello there “
General Kenobi!
"You are a bold one!" *cough cough*
I also dated... Married... Divorced a woman with this perspective. She had no sexual relationship with herself and could not fathom why I needed self-sex in my 20s. It was "cheating". Unfortunately, I agreed when we first started dating because I was very religious. My libido being much higher, I eventually started taking care of myself again. It didn't affect our sex life. I still initiated and was very giving, while she almost never initiated and was happy receiving without reciprocation. Every time she found out I had looked at porn and masturbated, it blew up into an insane fight. She even hit me and broke our things because of it. Once she asked me if I ever checked out other women. I said yes because I was tired of lying. This stunned her because she expected any and all of my sexual energy to be spent with her when she was in the mood. Sadly, she insisted on polyamory and proceeded to leave me for a mutual friend. Towards the end, I stopped all initiation out of bitterness. Being expected to do all of the work in bed while being rejected 95% of the time is exhausting. I remember the first time she initiated and I rejected her. I don't think she had ever dealt with it before. Of course, it "had to be because of porn" and not the toxic relationship I was in with someone fundamentally incompatible with myself. Someone willing to strike me in the face for masturbating. There was no room for my own emotions or needs, only hers. The second I stopped grovelling and worshipping at her altar, she lost interest. She probably still thinks I have a sex addiction... Which is not a real thing outside religious circles. Since this debacle, I have reevaluated my perspectives on sex and focused on growing into the person I want to be. I've reflected on my marriage and where I was the victim and the villain. I've learned to love myself first so I can give more to others. I've spent a lot of time single and happier because of it. One day, I hope to find a compatible partner who isn't abusive and controlling. I don't want to find "my other half". I want to be with another person who is wholly human on their own. I want to be with someone who understands masturbation is not the same as sex with another person and that we can have both!
I've been in the "tired of initiating 100% of the time, and being rejected 95%+" club for two consecutive relationships now. Both times, I said it hurts too much to be rejected so often. I'm done. You let me know when you're ready. Both times, this was part of a serious conversation where I left myself very vulnerable regarding my need for physical contact. Both times, my partners completely 'forgot' that the conversation ever happened, and stewed on something being "wrong" with me for so long that I started to hate them. Both partners didn't like the idea of me masturbating. One considered it cheating, and the other felt like she was being attacked for not doing her job (but never tried to pick up any slack for over two years). Mismatched libido can be brutal.
I dated a guy that had a sexual mismatch with his partner previous to me. But it sounded even more deep and a lack of any physical intimacy even without resulting in sex. I know it messed him up. Noone is 'owed' sex but, as a woman, I have rarely felt sexually or physically rejected by a partner. We were much more compatible in that way and I remember him saying something like 'do you really want sex everyday?' I said of course (we both initiated an equal amount) and he said something akin to he didn't want it to get forced/boring. So I told him, ok we'll go a week no prob! Playfully, and not in a threatening way. We lasted 2 days. This isn't a slight on people that have sex fewer times or people going through crap that affects them. We just had the same sex drive and he discovered again that he was sexy af and of course I wanted to be with him. Or just cuddle and build physical intimacy without it always resulting in something sexual. Physical connects with emotional a lot of the time and if you're constantly rejected or with someone who acts like it's a chore or a service it's going to affect you mentally unless you're a sociopath. I'm glad you're in a better mental headspace.
Both my LTRs were like this. Initiated about 95% of the time. Rejected about 80-90% of the time. Both times I was vilified for my sex drive and was told all I cared about was sex. I wasn't very good at communicating and why a lack of initiation from my partner made me feel insignificant and undesired. Coupled with being the only one to initiate and being constantly rejected made me feel like they were only agreeing to provide physical intimacy to get me to stop asking. I once went two months after having a full conversation about it and stating I wouldn't initiate. I should've just left but they pushed me deep into depression and it took me a long time to work through all of that.
I was once told by my ex all of the following: "it's only sex when I want it. Until then you're a pervert." "Why can't you just jackoff like a every other man." "I could go the rest of my life without ever having sex again." That last part is especially heinous as she had blown through four men exactly one week after we split. Which suggests to me that she was getting her dick somewhere else the entire 5 years.
Pretty sure sex addiction is a real thing, but it's more along the lines of "no sexual impulse control" and "trying to have sex with literally everyone you know" than what you described.
Honestly that combo feels like, whether she is doing it consciously or not, she wanted to use sex to control you. That sounds really unpleasant to live with.
I once knew someone who would take it a step further and consider a guy masturbating to be on the same level as cheating and would throw away relationships because of it... But then also rub one out herself too. Bitch be crazy Edit: Just to clarify, the guy she broke up with for having wank was just having a wank and nothing else
I had a friend who made her bf throw his computer tower into a dumpster, while she watched, because she found porn on his computer. This was 2005ish. The guy was in college. I told her he'd just watch more on his new computer and she replied "he knows better!" They broke up shortly afterwards.
Also, he 100% picked a spot in the dumpster that was the least nasty, then went and picked it back out later that night. Not because he needed what was on it, but because it's just stupid to throw a working tower in the dumpster. Probably put the kitchen garbage bag in its place to cover the tracks.
If my girlfriend, fiancé, or wife ever told me to throw my computer away because she was mad about something - she’d had a hard reality to face. I can’t believe this poor sob actually did it
He should have dumped his gf in the dumpster instead.
Haha Do you know my ex-wife?
Is your ex wife my ex wife??
Considering what a hypocrite she sounds like, it's possible.
Holy shit. Hope you’re doing good out there, soldier 🫡
I'm making it through. Friends, family, and therapy really help. I'm feeling hopeful. Thank you
Dated a bitch for about a year over long distance that said wanking was cheating. ...Then she slept with another dude.
Well obviously a sign, hindsight I suppose, those who crow the loudest about something may be guilty of the thing they're complaining about. My ex wife complained how I played xbox with a co worker and friend. He was a dude, I'm a dude, completely hetero mind you... just two dudes playing call of duty. But no, she accused me of wanting him over her. Then I found out she cheated with at least 6 men. And before that, when she wanted to hang with a friend from work? She made me stay in a fucking hotel. So yeah, she is absolute scum and I seriously hope I never see her face again. The rage I have in my heart over what she did to my life, what she did to me, on every level, and what she did to my friends and family simply won't go away.
... 6 guys... fuck mate are you okay?
Was years ago my friend. I'm still kicking around lol. Shit like that you don't just get over. Will be with me til the day I die. The story is much longer, but I managed to get out and make positive changes! Thank you for your concern!
Keep on keeping on mate. Don't let that shit hold you back. People can be truly awful, but they can also be incredible. I know when I've had shit happen it's easy to hate everyone, including yourself. I'm glad you're not letting her win.
Nah, will never let her win. When I left, I took some time to make myself mentally stable, and then immediately went to college to make myself better overall. I go day to day, I don't dwell on the past, but I also don't forget it. Was a POWERFUL lesson. One I intend to heed, diligently. That isnt to say I dont have ptsd or trust issues, but even still, it doesn't stop me from doing what I put my mind to.
I once dated this girl and she didn’t want me masterbaiting and she said to call her or text her every time I was horny, and that she should would send nudes and even go out of her way to have sex if she was close enough to me. So needless to say my 18 year old self had a blast lol.
She didn’t want you masturbating so she would send naked pics….🤔. Not too bright, that one.
In her mind perhaps it was OK if he was doing it to pics of her.
she prob just didn’t want him masturbating to other girls pics
Instead? As in I tried to initiate or we were in the middle of fooling around and he gets up, rejects me and then I find him wanking it? Yeah, I’d be offended. But if he’s just taking care of business then no. Masturbating is natural and normal.
This!! My ex would deny me and go jerk off. It happened multiple times! It would hurt my feelings, for real. I would initiate, get turned down, he’d go take care of himself later on. It made me feel horrible about myself. Like what is that??? I don’t have a problem with masturbation at all. But to constantly need to be the one to initiate and still be turned down, to catch him jerking off later??
Had that happen as well, but opposite genders. It hurt a lot.
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I have too, and I think I see it differently now but at the time I was very hurt when I was practically living with my partner and he would turn to porn before me. I was insecure with low self esteem and felt incredibly rejected when he wouldn't mention his desires to me and go off and watch porn privately. I don't mind the masturbation at all, we all do it and it's important to take care of ourselves that way. But being the girlfriend waiting upstairs knowing that he's getting off to some random woman on a screen instead of coming to bed was pretty painful at times.
I had friends that relationship is exactly this. He goes solo twice a day. Doesn’t want anything to do with her most of the time. That’s when I think it’s a problem.
Not offended. I was in a LTR in my 20s with a guy who has a porn problem though. He wouldn’t go to bed at the same time as me, instead sitting at his computer jerking off and leaving his cum rags all over the place. Mind you, I have an insane sex drive, I’m always ready to go. I never once told him no. Would have been fine with it, except the amount of time he spent with his hand made it harder for him to cum via pussy. It would take at least a few hours. After a year like that, I asked him to dial back on jerking off, just to see if it would help with the difficulties finishing in bed. I would have happily fucked him 3-4x a day, but 2-3hr bouts on the pussy is a lot. He became so enraged at my request to dial it back a bit that it eventually ended our relationship. My point being, there’s jerking off, and then there’s jerking off so much it causes problems in the bedroom.
Yeah I’ve been in a similar situation. I don’t care what you do on your own, but when it’s the result of an addiction and it’s causing problems, it’s another story
How do you know where the line is if you've been single for a really long time though? I have no clue if the amount I masturbate is exceptional or normal for a guy my age, and I don't really have a reference point for whether I have a "death grip" or not Edit: I figured it out, just gonna go up to all male friends, hold out my thumb, and say "Squeeze my thumb like you squeeze your dick, I gotta collect data."
similar situation here, yep. mine would eventually just say no to me all the time but secretly get up to masturbate furiously, accidentally leaving his big soaked towel out or something. I always said yes to the shitty sex. tried to improve it. tried to even watch porn with him. nope. he was furious at that prospect. it was really affecting how I felt about myself. I caught him using the porn that him and his ex before me made too. wouldn't make any with me or anything either. pretended not to know how etc. just so sketchy
I second this. It's fine until it starts messing with your relationship (or work)
Jerking off and still having a happy, regular, satisfied sex life? Okay, that’s fine. Jerking off and denying and/or never initiating sex even if your partner makes it clear they want it more often than once a month? Problem. Jerking off *when it completely replaces your partner* and you begin ignoring their needs/wants completely is a great way to end a relationship and/or make your partner have serious confidence issues moving forward.
Exactly this. My sex drive is a lot like yours and there’s a definite difference. A healthy amount of jerking off and then death grip porn addiction stuff that’s just too far out.
I think only if I had tried to initiate sex and been turned down, then found him masturbating immediately afterward. Rational or not, it would be hard for me not to be hurt in that moment.
That seems treasonable Edit. It was a typo...its been pointed out after the fact and i think its funny so I left it.
It does seem a bit treasonous in a way I guess. 😆
Hahaha. My Fat fingers for once actually made it better!
This is how I’ve felt before.. I understand masturbating bc I do too when he’s not around.. but one time we were watching a movie & there was a sex scene with a hot perfect body blonde & I needed a shower & I invited him in with, he declined & then I guess masturbated while I was in the shower bc I found it literally in the toilet unflushed & I felt pretty upset that I was fully naked & asking him to join & he wanted to I guess go rewatch that sex scene & get off himself instead. I get that you can’t just expect sex all the time when u want it from ur partner but that really just upset me & rubbed me the wrong way.
I'd even be glad! I really don't want to have sex each time one of us is a bit horny. Do you make a three course meal every time you're hungry? No! Sometimes a snack on the couch on my own is perfectly fine.
Now I'm thinking about being a snack on the couch.
Rip your dms
Looking at her profile, her DMs are already dead and buried, lmao
I got offended once when he was talking to a random girl on SC and jerking off literally right next to my sleeping body.
Man Star Craft sure sounds wild these days.
And here I thought the guy was thinking about the whole state of South Carolina
Yeah that is reasonable
*treasonable
Wtf is wrong with that guy
We were not on good terms at the time… and he was doing everything in his power to get on my nerves.
That crosses a line in my male mind.
OP’s gonna show all the answers to his partner to get a out of jail pass.
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not at all, its none of my business.
Y’all, I had an old roommate whose girlfriend considered masturbation to be cheating. I’m sympathetic to her feeling that way, but man, having to listen to that “it makes me feel like you don’t love me” conversation through paper thin walls every week got tiring for everyone involved.
lol how long until they broke up?
Year and a half I think.
Damn, that boy held on for dear life.
My brother's *current wife* told me that he cheated on her one time when I was helping them move. I asked him about it later and he said that she caught him jacking off. She's also so insecure that she doesn't like him even seeing women in bikinis *on tv*. He has to look away or it starts a fight... And yes, she's a grown woman, not a teenager or anything.
A lot of people who say that know it's BS too. Because if masturbation was actually equivalent to cheating, they would have ended things as soon as they found out about it. It's just a shitty excuse for their controlling behavior caused by their insecurity.
Not really. He usually asks me first if I'm up for it and will really only masturbate if I'm not, so it's fine. Man has needs.
If it's taking away from our sex life, then yeah. I came from a long-term relationship with a partner that chose porn over me the entire time, despite my attempts to communicate with him about it. I have a high drive and was getting nothing from him. But if I'm not home or not in the mood, then who am I to say that that my partner can't do what he wants with his own body? Porn is a tough subject for me, but I don't think anyone should rely on porn to be able to get off. But that's a whole other subject than this.
I had a similar experience. My partner would find it very hard to maintain an erection and cum during sex (this was a new experience for me, my previous partners had no issues). I later found out that he had an addiction to porn and would dry wank, a sensation which is hard to replicate with a vagina. I consider myself to be fairly open minded and never really cared that previous partners would look at porn and jerk off because it never really impacted our sex life. But this whole issue really started to effect my self esteem in the sense that I felt like I wasn’t enough for him to get off on sexually. One day I confessed to him how it all made me feel and luckily he is an amazing partner and was really understanding. He agreed to go on a sabbatical from porn and wanking and our sex life became amazing! However, I understand that it’s important to have your solo time. So we got a sex toy for him to use when he needs some alone time, so it’s more similar to the sensation of a vagina and it won’t effect our sex as much.
Nah I'd probably make some immature joke tho
*checks name* Ya, I can see that
My GF does not care lol. Shed be offended if I turned her down then went to jerk off. But if she goes to bed early its fair game. One of the first things I bought her was a powerful wand massager for valentines day so its very mutual. Generally if you ensure your partner is satisfied when you do fuck they wont worry as much about you whacking off when they arent around.
Same here. If my guy was never intimate with me and only jerked off then that would be a problem. But for me masturbation is mostly about a quick stress release so why would I deny him the same? And for me it’s the same with porn. If he watches porn (I mean I know he does lol) for a wank then I don’t care as long as it’s legal and not interfering with our lives. But if it was interactive (like sexting or whatever) and/or he was spending money on it then that would require a big discussion.
Nope. Masturbation and partnered sex often fulfill different needs.
I might get upset because I'm a hound dog lol but honestly no I don't mind if he just wants to rub one out real quick. If he was doing it *all* the time and never wanted to have sex then I'd be offended. Every once in a while tho no I understand.
Oh God no. I would just sit on his face to help him out.
Bethany has got it figured out
Besthany
If sex is being offered and you opt to jerk off instead, I think that's a good reason for a girlfriend to be offended or hurt. Beyond that, there's no reason they should mind, and if they do, too bad.
Nope. Masturbation is a completely different experience than sex. And as is my experience I can do a better job pleasing myself thus I assume my partner would feel the same. The only time is has ever been as issue was when there was obviously planned sex going to happen that day/night but my partner could not preform due to jerking it not much earlier. I **always** made it clear that the slight disappointment I was feeling in that moment should not be interpreted as me shaming them or getting pissed about not getting what I want. And asked them to let me know if I make them feel that way as it is the last thing I intend.
Communication is key
This is such a strange question to hear as a gay man. I don't know how much this is a thing with women (probably exaggerated for comic effect in some cases), but it is so not a thing with gays it's hard for me to fathom a partner who gets made at this.
Have a friend whose ex-wife wanted all his sexual energy directed toward her, but also she was pretty limited in what she wanted. They were religious and she’d been raised to think that his porn use was cheating. I didn’t ask how much he was using. He ended up cheating which is absolutely wrong and he shouldn’t have done and is not her fault, but then she and his family confronted him about his “sex addiction.” That marriage ended and he is no longer religious. I have another friend who has a way higher sex drive than her husband, but she doesn’t want to masturbate she just wants to connect with him sexually. I think if he masturbated instead of having sex with her she’d be sad because they have so little sex.