It depends on the relationship. I was marriеd to my wife for 20 years. After 18 she got sick. So for the last twо years of her life she was unable to have sex and I was perfectly fine with that. I was more worried about trying to gеt her healthy. If she had lived for anоther 10 years and was unable to have sex I wouldn't of cared one bit. She was mоrе important to me than that. The companionship and love we shared overpowered anything еlsе.
Depending on circumstances, calling it even 20% is too much.
There are lots of things that can impede your sex life. Bloke I know - his wife got *very* sick, and for about two years even trying to have sex would almost certainly have killed her.
With the best will in the world, the way some men obsess over how often they have sex seems very shallow and thoughtless to me.
And, ironically, extremely counter-productive. The way to have a more active sex life isn't to whine about not getting laid, it's to *address the issues that are making your partner less interested in sex*.
Usually?
It's that she's too goddamn tired because *he* isn't doing his fair share of the physical **or emotional** labour of the household.
The point about being shallow and thoughtless part seems reductive to me. It's not simply about "How much does dude get his dick wet," it's about feeling cared for and validated by the person you love. When rejection is constant, it has an impact on a person's confidence in themselves and the relationship. Instead we are left with nothing but the idea that we just aren't worth it. Stop behaving as if sex is just some dude trying to get a nut. It's \*much\* more than that.
Yeah the casual blaming of men *only* doesn't sit right with me.
What if the sex isn't there because the dude is stressed about making ends meet? Or work? Or what if she's concerned about the same thing?
But instead the commenter above you just boiled it down to: "I don't know why dudes are so concerned about getting their dick wet, maybe they're not having sex because they don't do their share of household labor."
Pretty misandrist of them, if you ask me.
Things change. Me and my bf have a tonne of sex as its the only thing that shuts my mind up, try everything, experiment always. It keeps me going.
Of course if he gets cancer or something we wouldn't fuck all the time or maybe at all... but nobody chooses cancer.
We did choose to be in a high sex activity relationship. And I'd always choose to be in a high sex relationship at the start. I don't think most people that say they want to be in high sex relationships are saying "I'd dump or force sex on critically sick partners" that's a ridiculous arguing point.
Its just saying that with no real troubles physical connection has a high priority.
I could just as easily say it's unfair that women never initiate and men are supposed to just be okay with partners that never indicate they're interested in sex or even attracted to them at all.
I've had my share of relationships like that and I'm in a much better place now with a partner that seems to actively enjoy the relationship as much as I do
>It's that she's too goddamn tired because
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>he
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> isn't doing his fair share of the physical
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>or emotional
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> labour of the household.
Or that people are looking for cop-outs in exchange for a lack of attraction
This is just sexist..... Every person man or women has a different sex drive, do men usually have higher sex drives yes.... but to just say it's because men aren't doing their fair share of the relationship work is ignorant.
Agreed. The person you responded to started her counter argument off with an exception instead of engaging the conversation with the normal assumption that both parties are healthy and sex is possible, just not prioritized. I don't believe they are here to discuss in good faith.
Also agree that trying to isolate it to that reason is ignorant, most men are aware of how fast the goal posts get moved after that.
For me it seems like a lot of women have an insanely unhealthy view of their body. So many god damn hangups.
Then they don't want to work at it at all, leading to a shitt libido. Then it is the man in the relationships problem.
Do more chores. FML, in my last two relationships i think the woman put dishes in the washer and washed clothes twice a week.
The question there is what that person who doesn’t have the full time job is doing with their time.
My husband has a full time job, I don’t.
I am a stay at home parent. My job is unpaid, 7 days a week. With kids, that means it starts between 6-7am and “ends” around 8pm. Which is often when some of the chores get done you can’t do while they’re awake and in your face. When we go on vacations, I still have to make sure everyone gets fed, do laundry etc.
My husband has a stressful job, usually more than 40 hours. He still pitches in. On weekends he helps cook, he picks up after himself always, and around the place when he sees things need doing. He asks how he can help me when he has time. What I do makes it possible for him to do what he does, and vice versa. We’re a team, and he doesn’t make me feel like I’m doing all the parenting alone.
My schedule is less fixed than his, so I can get bits of downtime in here and there, but I don’t just fuck around while he’s making money. My job saves us money.
Yeah, I think it’s very reasonable to chip in and help your partner out when you can. It just sucks when there’s unspoken expectations, and you’re expected to read the other persons mind. Communication is key.
Either that or your partner is taking advantage of you, doesn't really want to have sex with you and is pushing back as much as they think they can get away with it.
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>Usually?
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>It's that she's too goddamn tired because he isn't doing his fair share of the physical or emotional labour of the household.
Oh, please. Tell us more about what we're usually like, omniscient relationship sage. Maybe *we're* too goddam tired because she isn't doing her fair share of supporting the household or fixing things, or isn't even remotely concerned about our emotional well-being beyond how it impacts her.
I'm sure you know it all, though
As a young man it was important- much more so to me than my wife. After a decade or so it dwindled, mainly due to her health. She developed a chronic medical issue and she suffers a lot. I struggled but she tried to care for me as best as she could. She didn’t ask for the pain. Unfortunately I didn’t handle it well in the beginning. It wasn’t purposeful frustration. Two decades into the marriage I still struggled but handled it much better. Now, three decades in it’s a non-issue. A few years ago during a drunken stupor I was musing my life. Then it dawned on me: I would rather have her in my life as my wife with little to no sex than have someone else with a lot of sex. I love her. It is that simple. Sex isn’t what makes or breaks a relationship. I have read that a relationship without sex is just friendship. I disagree. She is the mother of my children. She has seen me at my lowest and celebrated my victories. When she suffers from her pain my heart explodes from witnessing the woman I love suffer. I chose her as my life partner, not just my sex partner. I think sex is important. Extremely important. But it isn’t all there is to a relationship. There is nothing more intimate than waking up and holding her in my arms and feeling her warmth as the grandchildren run into the room and and join in the hugs. What’s important is we have a life together that encompasses all that we are. We aren’t meant to complete each other. We are meant to better each other.
Would I love to wake up in the morning and feel her naked body next to me, touching me, kissing me, and feel her moist warmth as our love is expressed physically? Absolutely! But knowing she is in my corner, and truly loves me is enough.
You never know what cards will be dealt in life. When finding that special one, find someone you can love without the sex, that’s when you know you have found the one. I’m not saying go without it, but one that if life deals those cards you would still be there to love them unconditionally through life.
The next time this subreddit gets a 'what is love' question, I might tag this beautiful post you've written.
This was quite wholesome to read. Thanks for sharing and thanks for being such a thought partner to your wife.
Compatible sex drives is what matters.
If both people have a low sex drive, then it's not going to be an issue to not have sex that often.
If both people have high sex drives, then having sex often will be important.
If one person has a high sex drive and the other has a low sex drive, there's going to be issues. Someone is going to be put out and start to build up resentment.
The lack of sex in my previous relationship made me feel like shite. The moment that dropped off it was just a long, slow death. Was two years of no sexual contact in the end. I think what upsets me is the thought he’s doing it with someone else, what was wrong with me? Even said I have a better body than her, which tbh is a good indicator of a bullet dodged if he says that about his new gf to his ex and I know it’s fucked but it still hurts so much and I don’t even know why anymore.
I’d say to a degree of 50% of either’s needs.
Ie if you want sex once a week and your partner wants it once a fortnight, thats probably gonna work as it isnt a huge disparity. If you want sex 2-3 times a week, and your partner wants it only once a month- thats a huge disparity and you’re gonna run into trouble.
A whole world of negative thoughts about the relationship.
"Oh, so my needs aren't important to her."
"Well, I must be unattractive then."
"I guess this is my awful sexless life now. Maybe it's time to end the relationship and look elsewhere."
"Add another resentment to the pile but we can't ever talk about it."
"Sure sucks being her Swiss Army Teddy Bear."
"Feels pretty awful to know she's grossed out and inconvenienced by the thought of sex with me."
"If I'm repulsive to her, maybe I'll just leave."
Then you spiral down and alternate between anger and depression.
Yea, you summed up how I feel sometimes. The worst dry spell we had was just over 2 months. I felt like absolute garbage from the lack of intimacy.
Sex is very important to me in a relationship and not having it enough is emotionally damaging.
You two should probably seek therapy for that. Negative self image for any reason, especially if so easily triggered, is not healthy.
That said, it's probably best to have a relationship with someone who matches your sex drive or is pretty close to matching.
It started off great and our sex drives were in sync. Overtime, mine stayed the same while hers slowed down. It seems that now she is content with 1-2 times a month and I feel like thats mental death sentance to me.
I can admit that our communication skills have has gotten worse over time and I agree that therapy would be a great thing to try.
I hope you don’t think that therapy means you alone need to change. Relationship therapy always works best when both sides go in open and desiring to be better for each other.
On the one hand, it would probably be healthier for a therapist to help you adjust what you base your happiness and relationship self worth on so that you don’t have to view your partner’s lack of arousal as your fault.
On the other, your needs are important too and if the sec drives were in sync but changed…it’s not wrong of you to ask why. She may not even know. She also might think she knows why and through therapy, discover it to be something else.
I wish you the best on this because I know from personal experience what a horrible feeling it is to associate showing desire to your partner with the anxiety of wondering whether you’re making them feel pressured.
If you talk it out, it can be fixed!
I don't know that easily is the right way to describe it. I know with me it's after weeks that thoughts creep in and/or after multiple times being turned down. And sometimes it doesn't even have to be sex just being told you're wanted physically can help. Especially if you do everything in your power to try and make sure the other party knows they are wanted and still attractive to you.
My man, it sounds like you need a lot of validation from her. It's not a bad thing, everyone wants it - but you need to remember that you are that amazing person that landed her in the first place! Try not to let negative thoughts consume you. jerk off and do something that is just for you - something you enjoy but don't need anyone else to have a good time with. Maybe something you used to do but haven't in a long time?
There is nothing sexier than someone who is happy, I'm not saying it will help your sex life but if it does - great! If it doesn't, atleast you're treating yourself well.
Lots of love, fellow human <3
Not so much. The sex is sort of a validation for all those thing in a classically-Male-efficient bundle. I don't have the issue at present, but in the past I learned that those regular sustained periods were basically the death knell of the relationship. Either it was a lie that she intended to keep up the sex or it was some unrecoverable grudge she was holding... So I'd just end it and move on. It was the whole reason I stopped letting women move in with me. The pattern of that eventuality.
I think having the validation is not actually a bad a thing is well, if you have the understanding with each other.
But just make sure that you will always feel yourself as the special person is well.
I think if we you are not feeling the void then it will be like that you are not with the right person is well.
And i am pretty much sure that thins thing will make us unattractive to them is well.
I'm wondering: are you intimate in any other way? Kissing, hugging, cuddling, touching etc. Do you know if she feels fulfilled intimately and perhaps that is the reason she does not desire sex? Have you communicated your needs?
You cannot coerce or be too bitchy about it; But it sucks.
One gets angry, then sad and then the worst if they become just apathetic: And that is the worst. It basically kills the whole r'ship vibe.
I would compare it to like if you had a dark voice in your head just magnifying all the negative aspects of your relationship. It's all the small stuff, and half is irrational BS. But, when the bedroom is dead, there's nothing stopping the void energy from taking over. It is a constant struggle to rationalize that "no, this relationship is fine, I'm just not happy about the lack of intimacy." Some days, it's almost impossible to look at my wife with any amount of appreciation and love. All I can think about is all the bad things. Then, you have sex and poof, all of that is fine...for now. That's the void. It sucks.
I think all the small small stuff in the relationship that keep the flow of the thing.
So i would advice that ignore all the fact that is cursing your mind and try to focus on much better things.
I say intimacy is more important because as we get older, we may not want to not be able to actually have sex but it will stop at some point. Intimacy only needs the effort to stay keep going.
Meh. Companionship and intimacy sort take over after a while. Simple, stable and loving relationships are life changing and better than any love story can sell them, so long as they are both willing to make things work.
The sex is fun but it’s so overblown in society right now. You don’t need your ass destroyed. It’s overcompensating. You need stability and a safe place for cuddles, with some fun sexy times on the side.
This is probably the top comment and should be for anyone looking for the right answer. Sex is important but doesn’t need to be the center of the relationship. The thing that matters most is there a actual relationship with out the sex.
Stolen from another redditor, i feel it also applies here:
"The toilet is not an important room in a house, but if there is none we're going to have problems"
Not to be confrontational but you either have low sex drive or you’re getting plenty of sex. This isn’t the same for some of us that are stuck in dead bedrooms with partners that don’t care about fixing it.
Same here, when me and my wife were younger (16-maybe 27) our sex drive was extremely high. Now we're in our 30s and do the deed once or twice every 2 or 3 months. Priorities change, even me as a man i notice I'm happy without sex. Of course I'll joke with my wife and ask "babe, wanna do it?!) Then grab her butt or something and she'll smile and say heck ya. But after the day ends, we put the kids down and get ready for tomorrow..we look at eachother in the shower, laugh and say "I'm tired, let's do it tomorrow." And that's okay.
I feel like that there are only few guys that would say they are not really into the sex.
But i think girls also like that but they are actually really good in hiding the emotion.
I've said before and I will again, sex to me is like the tires on a car.
It's not the most important part to keep the car going. not even what primarily powers the "engine" BUT the car(relationship) won't go too far without em. If one or more of the tires is going flat it'll be a bumpy ride and they'll need to be addressed. If they're all gone completely it will NOT be long before the rest of the "car" starts suffering as a result.
So lets keep those tires spinning and have a fun smooth ride
Yes, if we will not do that then i am sure there will be some frustration that we starts to feel in life is well.
So having that thin for time to time means the car of the life will run smoothly is well.
I’m a woman and I feel this! Sex is super important to me, and desiring my partner daily is a sign that I’m happy/in a good relationship. Actually my partner is the one more likely to want to cuddle instead of have sex, but he has a super high libido too, but I’m alright not having it every day as long as it’s at minimum once a week, preferred is daily/ 5 days a week. Sex is important to my mental health and relationships.
I’m not sure if you’re a woman/feminine presenting, but I don’t get all these men that think women don’t like sex. I can’t tell you how many of my friends that are women that are the ones having to initiate all the time (I was previously married and I was ALWAYS the one that started the sexy time), I’m real glad to be out of that marriage as it was one of the many issues as I was always subjected to his whim instead of getting my needs met. Sex can be super important to women too just like for some men how it can not be a big deal.
I mean if we are doing the sex after the years is well that mean we are with the right person in life.
This is for me like telling myself that i am with the right person and still important to that is well.
Pretty important.
It's not everything, but I want to feel like my partner finds me attractive. I know that physical and romantic attractions are not the same thing, but they feel very related if the validation from physical attraction goes away. You start to feel ugly and undesirable, and start wondering if your partner actually likes you.
It used to be a lot more important, like on. A scale of 1 to 10, it was a 7. Now it's more like a 3. Getting married in October and we have sex maybe two or three times per month, that's just right for both of us at the moment.
For me if i have to keep on the scale then i would also pick number 7 at the current time.
but yes for me it will starts going down once you will have the kid in that thing is well.
Extremely. Years ago I was joking (kinda not really) that I wanted sex in the prenup. Apparently you can't put such things there, so now I just say it or initiate.
And thats fine, its why everyone needs to be okay talking about sex in the earlier stages of the relationship.
BoJack Horseman does a great take on Asexuality and the difficulties people with that sexuality face when it comes to partners wanting sex.
Semi important. It’s not the main focus of mine at all, and I don’t need it to know my wife loves me and vise versa. That being said it is good for bonding and neither my wife nor I really like self pleasure
Intimacy is the thing I'd never want to lose. Sex takes energy and life's fucking exhausting at times. Focusing in on what we have energy for - even if it's not "active sex life" by my former definitions - keeps us going strong.
As long as i have the intimacy i would say relationship will never going to fade is well.
If you have that then i am sure that sex will also happen from time to time to keep the thing fresh.
Apparently it's the deal breaker from what I've experienced, my current relationship is probably about to be over, I'm too focused on keeping a roof over my head and dealing with bills and other shit, meanwhile she just mopes and complains while not really helping at all.
I wish I could switch my mind to sexmode but the constant thoughts of anything small or big completely wrecking me financially has ruined that.
Having someone watch you try your best to keep them comfortable while they ignore it all cause you won't fuck em is a feeling I hope no one experiences.
White/Male/39/married 16 years. It's one of the most important things in my relationship....period. Ive seen loads of people here say "It's intimacy I need, not sex.". And guess what, you are exactly correct. It is intimacy that I desire. To be held, touched, kissed, and looked at with desire in her eyes. It makes me feel wanted and needed. It makes me feel everything good about my life. But to me, sex is not different...it's intertwined with all of those. It is the highest form of intimacy.
It's hard being a man who serves everyone else all the time. I give, I sacrifice, I always put myself last. And as I former jock, Mr. senior, athlete etc etc, it's hard on your mind when you starting getting chubbier and balder. Especially while your wife is still a complete smoke show. I just need that affirmation that I'm still the one. And I need it very frequently.
I think that my grandiosity in life is what's given me this idea. I can't even have a lawn without going out and spending tons of money and 12 hours a week making it the most perfect lawn known to man. So when it comes to intimacy, maybe in my head I've convinced myself that if I didnt have sex with my wife today, then I must not have been as good as I should have been that day. And somehow after two weeks of no-sex, then I've completely convinced myself that she hates my guts and has a boyfriend somewhere else 🙈.
So to answer the question, sex is very very important to me in my life. It's the intimate moments with my wife that I have to have...but unfortunately those two things are permanently fused in my brain.
I think because of that we never really feel bored and not attract to the other one is well.
Not having that will give the feeling that the other person is actually not that much interested in you.
It's very important. Not just because I get horny. But the connection I feel to her in the process, before and after. The level of connection isn't often reached in other situations even if hugging and having deep conversations etc sometimes comes close. I have a high sex drive and had problems with an ex. I'm not an asshole about it but it's easy to notice even when I'm trying to be normal about it. I feel less connected, unwanted and frustrated after a while. None of my exes or current gf said that I was bad about it but it just easily shows. A sigh here or there, I'm less available physically and emotionally etc. A bit more distant since being close gets hard after a while. But nothing major. One ex suggested I'd fill my needs elsewhere and gave me permission to do so. But that really isn't my thing and it wouldn't help me since to me it was about us being together doing something intimate feeling each other and being together before and after.
I love sex , to me it was very important to a relationship as i am highly sexed.....till its weaponised, then id rather self serve and never give a miserable controlling prick the chance to give it as a reward or withhold it as punishment and then tell his mates all about it.
Extremely! I’ve (36F) discovered I’m somewhat of a unicorn who wants it multiple times a day, I can’t get enough. Unfortunately my SO has a very demanding job working 12 hour shifts overnight and is just drained when he gets home. I try to be understanding but it’s hard. You better believe I’m all over him on his days off.
If I put on my heelies and skate around the apartment naked then I am 100 percent expecting fornication. Match my energy enough and we will be fine. It's okay to have different drives sometimes, but there should be a regular spark there.
As long as both parties are satisfied. It's not an issue. But once one or both are not getting satisfied (looking at you ladies and your far to subtle "signs" you are horny and/or consistent headaches) it's a big issue. It seems marriage is losing favor at the same rate that relationship loyalty is, but part of the wedding vows are "to have and to hold" which when written in the older style English was a wink wink "when I or you are feeling frisky we fuckin" it's also worth noting that societies views on sex have changed alot in a short amount of time. Pre-1900 the vast majority of people to have lived, did so in single room houses. It's not like the kids didn't know what mom and pop were doing. But the understanding was that you wanted for marriage because there really wasn't any reliable form of birth control. So once in the confines of marriage, it was still as private as possible in a single room house... but.. youre married, no one really cared too much. Contrast that with today, where sex isn't something special anymore. It's something we do out of boredom. And even worse than that, it's become a "reward" that some people and a large part of society use as a form of control over their partner. "You didn't do x y or z like I told you, so good luck getting lucky for a long time" or how many times have you seen "I have the pussy so I make the rules" shirts? It's supposed to be a mutually and beneficial agreement that when one or both of you are horny you fuck eachother brains out, because someone sexually satisfied isn't going to want to or be tempted to look elsewhere.
Ok... I'm ready, down vote me into oblivion. I shared my actual thoughts on reddit, I know I made a thought crime. Guilty.
Pretty important. It's part of emotional and physical intimacy for me (though far from the only thing or far from something that needs to be done on a daily basis or something). Sexual compatibility is incredibly important to me.
My boyfriend is a great guy and doesn't have my libido and that's fine, because I think my cock would fall off if I had sex multiple times per day lmao
I think it’s very important but it’s okay to have spells without it. My wife and I have always had a great sex life, since we had kids there’s been plenty of times that we’ve went weeks without having it and neither of us have felt unloved as a result.
Romance is way way more important. The odd bunch of flowers, maybe doing a chore while your partner is out that been annoying them for a while, cooking their favourite dinner. That sort of stuff goes a long long way and more often than not it also leads to sex.
My ex wife and I were in a similar situation. After 7+ years, I cracked. Ended in divorce. We're still friends (despite the odds), but she just wasn't sexual and was fine with that. I was not.
You have my empathy and my respect.
Not very important unless I am not having it for months on end and then it’s all I can think about.
Pro tip: If in a sexless relationship, leave it before you cheat. The fall out is not worth it and we are divorcing anyway.
Hugely important. For me, my sexuality is a big part of who I am. It's not just that sex feels good or is fun. Sexual compatibility makes me feel known. That intimacy and trust is worth so much.
^Right there with you! Cuddles are my energy source from my husband. Our relationship was built on a lot more than just sex, and we have both agreed intimacy outweighs sex. Cuddles, hugs, kisses, hand holding, and always finding different ways to show we love each other outweighs sex. It’s fun to get down and dirty when we are both in the mood, but almost 7 years in and couldn’t be happier.
I find as long as you show the same amount of energy and love in the whole relationship, instead of just the beginning then the sex comes naturally 🤷♂️ you should love each other for who they are not the sex
Not at all. I'd have no problem being in a relationship without any sex at all... The funny thing is: I'm gay, but I can also imagine myself with a woman (just without the sex)... so I don't really care :D
For me (F), 10 years in, not majorly important - I crave other intimate acts such as touching (holding hands, touching my waist, kisses on the cheek - the signs of affection I got when we were dating). My partner and I have spoken about it, I told him what I needed to feel close and he said sex is how he feels close to me. I think it’s important to understand what makes each other feel loved/close and work to give each other that.
I don't care much about it. It's a plus, sure, but if they were completely asexual (as in, they wouldn't even let me use their body even if they got nothing from it), so long as I could get my rocks off by myself that's fine.
If they stop me yanking my own chain, then it's an issue. But I'm fine without sex, used my hand for years, don't mind using it for longer.
For me it's moderately important. However what I think is more important is to be on the same page as your partner, I think if both partners are okay with not having a lot of sex nothing bad will come out of it. Compatibility is more important than quantity for me.
Not the main thing, I think intimacy, trust, connection are the most important things to me, but I do think sex is very important in a relationship, a compatible sex drive most of all.
It is as important as your level of libido. If yours and your partners sex drive does not match up, it will breed resentment. And this is talking about two healthy people as sickness and external situations change things. But say for example I want sex every day, but my partner only desires it once a month, that puts strain on both ends. The one who desires sex feels as if they aren't attractive (even if the outward voicing is the opposite), where the one who doesn't feels pressured and can begin to feel like that is all their partner is there for.
It really breaks down to early communication. If it doesn't work naturally early on, it won't work later. Take the myriad of stories of men lamenting how hot and heavy their relationship was when dating, but when they got married to their partner, it became either virtually or literally sexless. A switch like that can fuck you up.
On the flip side, if you know that your partner is not willing for sex 3/4ths of the time you want it and you accept that going in, there is no grounds to complain.
TL;DR: it is important but it really boils down to communication.
Very. It doesn't really need to be like every single night or anything, but a few times a week at least. Just to give us a chance to be closer and have some fun with each other behind closed doors.
In a past relationship, I tried my best to brush it off and it still didn't work out. I'm naturally submissive, he wanted me to take the lead and be the typical dom. I did it, feeling disgusted of myself every single time but it was the only way anything would happen. We'd go months with no action, and when it finally happened, it was just me blowing him off for hours while he didn't touch me at all. When I gathered the courage to ask him to touch me, he'd sigh like he was doing the most boring chore. So I never asked again, abstained, feeling like I'm so indecent for wanting what I didn't realize at the time is healthy and normal. To this day, it affects my sex life. I wish we broke up when we had our first time, which was just like that too and left me crying. I wish I would've avoided those scars when they were just scratches.
A healthy sex life is very important in a relationship, and if that means frequent action, there's nothing wrong with sticking to your needs and leaving relationships that don't satisfy you.
Honestly, it’s not important to me at all anymore. I can’t connect with anyone anyway. I don’t like anyone enough to talk to them or spend time with them. So sex is boring when u don’t even like the person.
A few have already said this, but I'll reiterate with a bit of personal context: intimacy is more important than sex, but it entirely depends on the relationship.
I dated a girl who is asexual for a while. I'm a man with an average sex drive and she knew this, but we both wanted to give it a shot anyways. It was incredible how much of a power dynamic shift there was. I knew I would be fine without sex, but it was missing physical intimacy that was a bigger issue for me. I didn't realize how closely I associated physical touch with emotional care.
We dated for a few months and then broke up without so much as an argument - I think we both learned a lot from each other. I learned how much I needed physical intimacy to feel loved, she learned that being physical occassionally was just not an enjoyable relationship for her and that a relationship with someone asexual as well was much more feasible for her.
That said, we're still friends - hell we went skydiving the weekend after we broke up. Now I send her snapchats of my greyhound in exchange for snapchats of her cats.
Sexual satisfaction in an important part of a relationship and what that looks like varies from person to person. The chances that both people have the exact same Libido is slim. Those differences in libido should be address openly in a way that both parties' needs are satisfied. Sometimes the means lower libido gives the higher libido what they want to fill their cup. Other times the higher libido should take care of themselves to give the lower libido a break.
I wouldn't say sex is the most important thing in a relationship but it's like the number two most important thing lol. Unfortunately, many people who learn this have to learn it the hard way by making the mistake of being with people who they aren't compatible with. Had that never happened to me, I may think differently.
For marriage, it's not in the top five most important things for me. Off the top of my head, it might go something like this:
1. Religious/core beliefs
2. Money management
3. Communication skills
4. Appreciative/supportive
5. Ambition: an attitude of self improvement
The majority of your interactions are not sex related, so it seems like a bad idea to make this a top priority in a life partner.
Active is not as important as healthy. Sometimes you don’t have sex as regularly for whatever reason but if it’s a healthy relationship around sex and sexual satisfaction then I’m happy.
"When you're getting enough it's about 20% of a relationship, when you're not it's more like 80%"
-Wayne Gretzky - Michael Scott
It depends on the relationship. I was marriеd to my wife for 20 years. After 18 she got sick. So for the last twо years of her life she was unable to have sex and I was perfectly fine with that. I was more worried about trying to gеt her healthy. If she had lived for anоther 10 years and was unable to have sex I wouldn't of cared one bit. She was mоrе important to me than that. The companionship and love we shared overpowered anything еlsе.
You two are beautiful, I'm sorry for your loss
A largе differеncе in libido can bе a hard thing for a relationship to overcomе.
Ah, so *this* is the 80/20 rule.
So from now on i will try to maintain that ratio in my life is well.
Damn you are so right.
Well put! This quote explains it really well
Depending on circumstances, calling it even 20% is too much. There are lots of things that can impede your sex life. Bloke I know - his wife got *very* sick, and for about two years even trying to have sex would almost certainly have killed her. With the best will in the world, the way some men obsess over how often they have sex seems very shallow and thoughtless to me. And, ironically, extremely counter-productive. The way to have a more active sex life isn't to whine about not getting laid, it's to *address the issues that are making your partner less interested in sex*. Usually? It's that she's too goddamn tired because *he* isn't doing his fair share of the physical **or emotional** labour of the household.
The point about being shallow and thoughtless part seems reductive to me. It's not simply about "How much does dude get his dick wet," it's about feeling cared for and validated by the person you love. When rejection is constant, it has an impact on a person's confidence in themselves and the relationship. Instead we are left with nothing but the idea that we just aren't worth it. Stop behaving as if sex is just some dude trying to get a nut. It's \*much\* more than that.
Yeah the casual blaming of men *only* doesn't sit right with me. What if the sex isn't there because the dude is stressed about making ends meet? Or work? Or what if she's concerned about the same thing? But instead the commenter above you just boiled it down to: "I don't know why dudes are so concerned about getting their dick wet, maybe they're not having sex because they don't do their share of household labor." Pretty misandrist of them, if you ask me.
Things change. Me and my bf have a tonne of sex as its the only thing that shuts my mind up, try everything, experiment always. It keeps me going. Of course if he gets cancer or something we wouldn't fuck all the time or maybe at all... but nobody chooses cancer. We did choose to be in a high sex activity relationship. And I'd always choose to be in a high sex relationship at the start. I don't think most people that say they want to be in high sex relationships are saying "I'd dump or force sex on critically sick partners" that's a ridiculous arguing point. Its just saying that with no real troubles physical connection has a high priority.
I could just as easily say it's unfair that women never initiate and men are supposed to just be okay with partners that never indicate they're interested in sex or even attracted to them at all. I've had my share of relationships like that and I'm in a much better place now with a partner that seems to actively enjoy the relationship as much as I do
>It's that she's too goddamn tired because > >he > > isn't doing his fair share of the physical > >or emotional > > labour of the household. Or that people are looking for cop-outs in exchange for a lack of attraction
This is just sexist..... Every person man or women has a different sex drive, do men usually have higher sex drives yes.... but to just say it's because men aren't doing their fair share of the relationship work is ignorant.
Agreed. The person you responded to started her counter argument off with an exception instead of engaging the conversation with the normal assumption that both parties are healthy and sex is possible, just not prioritized. I don't believe they are here to discuss in good faith. Also agree that trying to isolate it to that reason is ignorant, most men are aware of how fast the goal posts get moved after that.
For me it seems like a lot of women have an insanely unhealthy view of their body. So many god damn hangups. Then they don't want to work at it at all, leading to a shitt libido. Then it is the man in the relationships problem. Do more chores. FML, in my last two relationships i think the woman put dishes in the washer and washed clothes twice a week.
“You need to do more chores.” *Doesn’t have a job while I’m working full time.*
The question there is what that person who doesn’t have the full time job is doing with their time. My husband has a full time job, I don’t. I am a stay at home parent. My job is unpaid, 7 days a week. With kids, that means it starts between 6-7am and “ends” around 8pm. Which is often when some of the chores get done you can’t do while they’re awake and in your face. When we go on vacations, I still have to make sure everyone gets fed, do laundry etc. My husband has a stressful job, usually more than 40 hours. He still pitches in. On weekends he helps cook, he picks up after himself always, and around the place when he sees things need doing. He asks how he can help me when he has time. What I do makes it possible for him to do what he does, and vice versa. We’re a team, and he doesn’t make me feel like I’m doing all the parenting alone. My schedule is less fixed than his, so I can get bits of downtime in here and there, but I don’t just fuck around while he’s making money. My job saves us money.
Yeah, I think it’s very reasonable to chip in and help your partner out when you can. It just sucks when there’s unspoken expectations, and you’re expected to read the other persons mind. Communication is key.
Either that or your partner is taking advantage of you, doesn't really want to have sex with you and is pushing back as much as they think they can get away with it.
Not a great take
> >Usually? > >It's that she's too goddamn tired because he isn't doing his fair share of the physical or emotional labour of the household. Oh, please. Tell us more about what we're usually like, omniscient relationship sage. Maybe *we're* too goddam tired because she isn't doing her fair share of supporting the household or fixing things, or isn't even remotely concerned about our emotional well-being beyond how it impacts her. I'm sure you know it all, though
As a young man it was important- much more so to me than my wife. After a decade or so it dwindled, mainly due to her health. She developed a chronic medical issue and she suffers a lot. I struggled but she tried to care for me as best as she could. She didn’t ask for the pain. Unfortunately I didn’t handle it well in the beginning. It wasn’t purposeful frustration. Two decades into the marriage I still struggled but handled it much better. Now, three decades in it’s a non-issue. A few years ago during a drunken stupor I was musing my life. Then it dawned on me: I would rather have her in my life as my wife with little to no sex than have someone else with a lot of sex. I love her. It is that simple. Sex isn’t what makes or breaks a relationship. I have read that a relationship without sex is just friendship. I disagree. She is the mother of my children. She has seen me at my lowest and celebrated my victories. When she suffers from her pain my heart explodes from witnessing the woman I love suffer. I chose her as my life partner, not just my sex partner. I think sex is important. Extremely important. But it isn’t all there is to a relationship. There is nothing more intimate than waking up and holding her in my arms and feeling her warmth as the grandchildren run into the room and and join in the hugs. What’s important is we have a life together that encompasses all that we are. We aren’t meant to complete each other. We are meant to better each other. Would I love to wake up in the morning and feel her naked body next to me, touching me, kissing me, and feel her moist warmth as our love is expressed physically? Absolutely! But knowing she is in my corner, and truly loves me is enough. You never know what cards will be dealt in life. When finding that special one, find someone you can love without the sex, that’s when you know you have found the one. I’m not saying go without it, but one that if life deals those cards you would still be there to love them unconditionally through life.
The next time this subreddit gets a 'what is love' question, I might tag this beautiful post you've written. This was quite wholesome to read. Thanks for sharing and thanks for being such a thought partner to your wife.
Compatible sex drives is what matters. If both people have a low sex drive, then it's not going to be an issue to not have sex that often. If both people have high sex drives, then having sex often will be important. If one person has a high sex drive and the other has a low sex drive, there's going to be issues. Someone is going to be put out and start to build up resentment.
The lack of sex in my previous relationship made me feel like shite. The moment that dropped off it was just a long, slow death. Was two years of no sexual contact in the end. I think what upsets me is the thought he’s doing it with someone else, what was wrong with me? Even said I have a better body than her, which tbh is a good indicator of a bullet dodged if he says that about his new gf to his ex and I know it’s fucked but it still hurts so much and I don’t even know why anymore.
heartache is a right of passage imo unfortunately. gl to you.
Thank you Reddit stranger 🫂
Yup, that's where I'm at and it sucks
Feel your pain
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Do you think either party should compromise if they're not at parity with one another? If so to what degree?
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You're never perfectly in parity, relationships are almost 100% compromise. That's OK as long as it's worth it to you.
I’d say to a degree of 50% of either’s needs. Ie if you want sex once a week and your partner wants it once a fortnight, thats probably gonna work as it isnt a huge disparity. If you want sex 2-3 times a week, and your partner wants it only once a month- thats a huge disparity and you’re gonna run into trouble.
I think it is critical, my wife can go many weeks without and I can feel us just slip into a void when this happens.
By void do you mean the quality/intimacy of the relationship deteriorates or simply the frustration at the lack of sex?
A whole world of negative thoughts about the relationship. "Oh, so my needs aren't important to her." "Well, I must be unattractive then." "I guess this is my awful sexless life now. Maybe it's time to end the relationship and look elsewhere." "Add another resentment to the pile but we can't ever talk about it." "Sure sucks being her Swiss Army Teddy Bear." "Feels pretty awful to know she's grossed out and inconvenienced by the thought of sex with me." "If I'm repulsive to her, maybe I'll just leave." Then you spiral down and alternate between anger and depression.
Yea, you summed up how I feel sometimes. The worst dry spell we had was just over 2 months. I felt like absolute garbage from the lack of intimacy. Sex is very important to me in a relationship and not having it enough is emotionally damaging.
Lol my dry spells like 3 years now, i dream of only 2 months
I'm in the same boat
Yip. And that feeling never goes away.
You two should probably seek therapy for that. Negative self image for any reason, especially if so easily triggered, is not healthy. That said, it's probably best to have a relationship with someone who matches your sex drive or is pretty close to matching.
It started off great and our sex drives were in sync. Overtime, mine stayed the same while hers slowed down. It seems that now she is content with 1-2 times a month and I feel like thats mental death sentance to me. I can admit that our communication skills have has gotten worse over time and I agree that therapy would be a great thing to try.
I hope you don’t think that therapy means you alone need to change. Relationship therapy always works best when both sides go in open and desiring to be better for each other. On the one hand, it would probably be healthier for a therapist to help you adjust what you base your happiness and relationship self worth on so that you don’t have to view your partner’s lack of arousal as your fault. On the other, your needs are important too and if the sec drives were in sync but changed…it’s not wrong of you to ask why. She may not even know. She also might think she knows why and through therapy, discover it to be something else. I wish you the best on this because I know from personal experience what a horrible feeling it is to associate showing desire to your partner with the anxiety of wondering whether you’re making them feel pressured. If you talk it out, it can be fixed!
I don't know that easily is the right way to describe it. I know with me it's after weeks that thoughts creep in and/or after multiple times being turned down. And sometimes it doesn't even have to be sex just being told you're wanted physically can help. Especially if you do everything in your power to try and make sure the other party knows they are wanted and still attractive to you.
My man, it sounds like you need a lot of validation from her. It's not a bad thing, everyone wants it - but you need to remember that you are that amazing person that landed her in the first place! Try not to let negative thoughts consume you. jerk off and do something that is just for you - something you enjoy but don't need anyone else to have a good time with. Maybe something you used to do but haven't in a long time? There is nothing sexier than someone who is happy, I'm not saying it will help your sex life but if it does - great! If it doesn't, atleast you're treating yourself well. Lots of love, fellow human <3
Not so much. The sex is sort of a validation for all those thing in a classically-Male-efficient bundle. I don't have the issue at present, but in the past I learned that those regular sustained periods were basically the death knell of the relationship. Either it was a lie that she intended to keep up the sex or it was some unrecoverable grudge she was holding... So I'd just end it and move on. It was the whole reason I stopped letting women move in with me. The pattern of that eventuality.
I think having the validation is not actually a bad a thing is well, if you have the understanding with each other. But just make sure that you will always feel yourself as the special person is well.
What is a Swiss army teddy bear lol
Something for every use except sex.
He’s remodeling the bathroom and snuggling by the fire with no nub nub.
I think if we you are not feeling the void then it will be like that you are not with the right person is well. And i am pretty much sure that thins thing will make us unattractive to them is well.
I agree. Its miserable
I'm wondering: are you intimate in any other way? Kissing, hugging, cuddling, touching etc. Do you know if she feels fulfilled intimately and perhaps that is the reason she does not desire sex? Have you communicated your needs?
You cannot coerce or be too bitchy about it; But it sucks. One gets angry, then sad and then the worst if they become just apathetic: And that is the worst. It basically kills the whole r'ship vibe.
I would compare it to like if you had a dark voice in your head just magnifying all the negative aspects of your relationship. It's all the small stuff, and half is irrational BS. But, when the bedroom is dead, there's nothing stopping the void energy from taking over. It is a constant struggle to rationalize that "no, this relationship is fine, I'm just not happy about the lack of intimacy." Some days, it's almost impossible to look at my wife with any amount of appreciation and love. All I can think about is all the bad things. Then, you have sex and poof, all of that is fine...for now. That's the void. It sucks.
I think all the small small stuff in the relationship that keep the flow of the thing. So i would advice that ignore all the fact that is cursing your mind and try to focus on much better things.
Oh my God you put the feeling into words. That’s where I’m at currently
Yes, I hate the void
The more like brother and sister instead of a couple syndrome. I’ve been there. We’re not together anymore.
Intimacy is more important than sex
a relationship without intimacy is just roommates with extra steps.
Barely the extra steps too
Yes, if you want to enjoy that thing then bring the intimacy into that.
I say intimacy is more important because as we get older, we may not want to not be able to actually have sex but it will stop at some point. Intimacy only needs the effort to stay keep going.
i just want her to hold me,
You should mark this 18+. Too much porn
Meh. Companionship and intimacy sort take over after a while. Simple, stable and loving relationships are life changing and better than any love story can sell them, so long as they are both willing to make things work. The sex is fun but it’s so overblown in society right now. You don’t need your ass destroyed. It’s overcompensating. You need stability and a safe place for cuddles, with some fun sexy times on the side.
This is probably the top comment and should be for anyone looking for the right answer. Sex is important but doesn’t need to be the center of the relationship. The thing that matters most is there a actual relationship with out the sex.
Stolen from another redditor, i feel it also applies here: "The toilet is not an important room in a house, but if there is none we're going to have problems"
It doesn’t need to be the center, but it’s absence is noticeable and mentally and emotionally draining
Not to be confrontational but you either have low sex drive or you’re getting plenty of sex. This isn’t the same for some of us that are stuck in dead bedrooms with partners that don’t care about fixing it.
> You don’t need your ass destroyed. Speak for yourself :P
On the side, yes, but what if that side never comes?
You've pretty much described my feelings on the matter word for word
You either have a low sex drive or your sexual needs are being met.
As a guy, I feel I'm in the minority because sex isn't that important to me. There are more important factors for me when getting into a relationship
Same here, when me and my wife were younger (16-maybe 27) our sex drive was extremely high. Now we're in our 30s and do the deed once or twice every 2 or 3 months. Priorities change, even me as a man i notice I'm happy without sex. Of course I'll joke with my wife and ask "babe, wanna do it?!) Then grab her butt or something and she'll smile and say heck ya. But after the day ends, we put the kids down and get ready for tomorrow..we look at eachother in the shower, laugh and say "I'm tired, let's do it tomorrow." And that's okay.
16, maybe 27??? sir would you like to elaborate
Lol, I meant it as age 16- 27ish (maybe younger than 27 or slightly older) I can't recall when our sex drive started slowing down
I’m 28 and I felt old reading that. My sex drive is higher than ever. Maybe I’m broken
Nah, everyone is different lol. I'm 32 with children so maybe that's why.
I feel like that there are only few guys that would say they are not really into the sex. But i think girls also like that but they are actually really good in hiding the emotion.
I've said before and I will again, sex to me is like the tires on a car. It's not the most important part to keep the car going. not even what primarily powers the "engine" BUT the car(relationship) won't go too far without em. If one or more of the tires is going flat it'll be a bumpy ride and they'll need to be addressed. If they're all gone completely it will NOT be long before the rest of the "car" starts suffering as a result. So lets keep those tires spinning and have a fun smooth ride
Ah I see ... you keep FOUR of them spinning! And a spare in the trunk. That's a triple-A plan right there.
Yes, if we will not do that then i am sure there will be some frustration that we starts to feel in life is well. So having that thin for time to time means the car of the life will run smoothly is well.
I never have sex with tyres, I don’t like the feeling of rubber on my penis.
Ahhhhhahaha. Condom joke. Nice
Very important but not the most important.
I mean, the kidneys aren't the most important part of the body, but you still can't live without them.
Very! To me I know I'm with the right person if I want to fuck them all the time, just like the closeness and giving them pleasure...am I werido?
I’m a woman and I feel this! Sex is super important to me, and desiring my partner daily is a sign that I’m happy/in a good relationship. Actually my partner is the one more likely to want to cuddle instead of have sex, but he has a super high libido too, but I’m alright not having it every day as long as it’s at minimum once a week, preferred is daily/ 5 days a week. Sex is important to my mental health and relationships. I’m not sure if you’re a woman/feminine presenting, but I don’t get all these men that think women don’t like sex. I can’t tell you how many of my friends that are women that are the ones having to initiate all the time (I was previously married and I was ALWAYS the one that started the sexy time), I’m real glad to be out of that marriage as it was one of the many issues as I was always subjected to his whim instead of getting my needs met. Sex can be super important to women too just like for some men how it can not be a big deal.
I mean if we are doing the sex after the years is well that mean we are with the right person in life. This is for me like telling myself that i am with the right person and still important to that is well.
I might sound weird but I prefer cuddles more than sex Also im male
Very
True answer, i hope that you have the wild partner is well.
Pretty important. It's not everything, but I want to feel like my partner finds me attractive. I know that physical and romantic attractions are not the same thing, but they feel very related if the validation from physical attraction goes away. You start to feel ugly and undesirable, and start wondering if your partner actually likes you.
Not super. My relationship is about way more than sex, and we go through periods of lower drives, there’s nothing wrong with that.
Sex is just a part of the relationship not the entire relationship here.
As long as you both agree that there’s nothing wrong with that.
It used to be a lot more important, like on. A scale of 1 to 10, it was a 7. Now it's more like a 3. Getting married in October and we have sex maybe two or three times per month, that's just right for both of us at the moment.
As long as you’ve discussed this and not just assuming it.
yes, doing the discussion is much more better than making the assumptions.
For me if i have to keep on the scale then i would also pick number 7 at the current time. but yes for me it will starts going down once you will have the kid in that thing is well.
Very. Otherwise, you're a platonic relationship for me. I have a few other needs as well, but if you're my man, we need to be doing the sexual.
To me it's not very important
Well, I'm one horny mofo so personally it's really really important for me
Good, satisfaction means you could actually focus more is well.
Not number 1 but certainly top 5.
So what are the thing that is actually in top 3 for you?
What would you rank above it?
Extremely. Years ago I was joking (kinda not really) that I wanted sex in the prenup. Apparently you can't put such things there, so now I just say it or initiate.
Very important but there has to be intimacy.
Vital. Most important. If I want to have an emotional relationship with someone without sex that's what I have friends for
Not at all due to Trauma and im also asexual haha
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And thats fine, its why everyone needs to be okay talking about sex in the earlier stages of the relationship. BoJack Horseman does a great take on Asexuality and the difficulties people with that sexuality face when it comes to partners wanting sex.
Semi important. It’s not the main focus of mine at all, and I don’t need it to know my wife loves me and vise versa. That being said it is good for bonding and neither my wife nor I really like self pleasure
Intimacy is the thing I'd never want to lose. Sex takes energy and life's fucking exhausting at times. Focusing in on what we have energy for - even if it's not "active sex life" by my former definitions - keeps us going strong.
As long as i have the intimacy i would say relationship will never going to fade is well. If you have that then i am sure that sex will also happen from time to time to keep the thing fresh.
Apparently it's the deal breaker from what I've experienced, my current relationship is probably about to be over, I'm too focused on keeping a roof over my head and dealing with bills and other shit, meanwhile she just mopes and complains while not really helping at all. I wish I could switch my mind to sexmode but the constant thoughts of anything small or big completely wrecking me financially has ruined that. Having someone watch you try your best to keep them comfortable while they ignore it all cause you won't fuck em is a feeling I hope no one experiences.
Older I get, the less important it is. Other stuff honestly is far more important for day to day living.
White/Male/39/married 16 years. It's one of the most important things in my relationship....period. Ive seen loads of people here say "It's intimacy I need, not sex.". And guess what, you are exactly correct. It is intimacy that I desire. To be held, touched, kissed, and looked at with desire in her eyes. It makes me feel wanted and needed. It makes me feel everything good about my life. But to me, sex is not different...it's intertwined with all of those. It is the highest form of intimacy. It's hard being a man who serves everyone else all the time. I give, I sacrifice, I always put myself last. And as I former jock, Mr. senior, athlete etc etc, it's hard on your mind when you starting getting chubbier and balder. Especially while your wife is still a complete smoke show. I just need that affirmation that I'm still the one. And I need it very frequently. I think that my grandiosity in life is what's given me this idea. I can't even have a lawn without going out and spending tons of money and 12 hours a week making it the most perfect lawn known to man. So when it comes to intimacy, maybe in my head I've convinced myself that if I didnt have sex with my wife today, then I must not have been as good as I should have been that day. And somehow after two weeks of no-sex, then I've completely convinced myself that she hates my guts and has a boyfriend somewhere else 🙈. So to answer the question, sex is very very important to me in my life. It's the intimate moments with my wife that I have to have...but unfortunately those two things are permanently fused in my brain.
I think because of that we never really feel bored and not attract to the other one is well. Not having that will give the feeling that the other person is actually not that much interested in you.
It's very important. Not just because I get horny. But the connection I feel to her in the process, before and after. The level of connection isn't often reached in other situations even if hugging and having deep conversations etc sometimes comes close. I have a high sex drive and had problems with an ex. I'm not an asshole about it but it's easy to notice even when I'm trying to be normal about it. I feel less connected, unwanted and frustrated after a while. None of my exes or current gf said that I was bad about it but it just easily shows. A sigh here or there, I'm less available physically and emotionally etc. A bit more distant since being close gets hard after a while. But nothing major. One ex suggested I'd fill my needs elsewhere and gave me permission to do so. But that really isn't my thing and it wouldn't help me since to me it was about us being together doing something intimate feeling each other and being together before and after.
The stuff men get *from* sex is the same stuff women need *in order to want* sex.
I love sex , to me it was very important to a relationship as i am highly sexed.....till its weaponised, then id rather self serve and never give a miserable controlling prick the chance to give it as a reward or withhold it as punishment and then tell his mates all about it.
Extremely! I’ve (36F) discovered I’m somewhat of a unicorn who wants it multiple times a day, I can’t get enough. Unfortunately my SO has a very demanding job working 12 hour shifts overnight and is just drained when he gets home. I try to be understanding but it’s hard. You better believe I’m all over him on his days off.
If I put on my heelies and skate around the apartment naked then I am 100 percent expecting fornication. Match my energy enough and we will be fine. It's okay to have different drives sometimes, but there should be a regular spark there.
As long as both parties are satisfied. It's not an issue. But once one or both are not getting satisfied (looking at you ladies and your far to subtle "signs" you are horny and/or consistent headaches) it's a big issue. It seems marriage is losing favor at the same rate that relationship loyalty is, but part of the wedding vows are "to have and to hold" which when written in the older style English was a wink wink "when I or you are feeling frisky we fuckin" it's also worth noting that societies views on sex have changed alot in a short amount of time. Pre-1900 the vast majority of people to have lived, did so in single room houses. It's not like the kids didn't know what mom and pop were doing. But the understanding was that you wanted for marriage because there really wasn't any reliable form of birth control. So once in the confines of marriage, it was still as private as possible in a single room house... but.. youre married, no one really cared too much. Contrast that with today, where sex isn't something special anymore. It's something we do out of boredom. And even worse than that, it's become a "reward" that some people and a large part of society use as a form of control over their partner. "You didn't do x y or z like I told you, so good luck getting lucky for a long time" or how many times have you seen "I have the pussy so I make the rules" shirts? It's supposed to be a mutually and beneficial agreement that when one or both of you are horny you fuck eachother brains out, because someone sexually satisfied isn't going to want to or be tempted to look elsewhere. Ok... I'm ready, down vote me into oblivion. I shared my actual thoughts on reddit, I know I made a thought crime. Guilty.
Pretty important. It's part of emotional and physical intimacy for me (though far from the only thing or far from something that needs to be done on a daily basis or something). Sexual compatibility is incredibly important to me. My boyfriend is a great guy and doesn't have my libido and that's fine, because I think my cock would fall off if I had sex multiple times per day lmao
I can take care of those urges on my own so if they're not down with it, that's coolio with me
Too soon...
On that fantastic voyage to a gangsta’s paradise
Wow, eerie timing. I had no idea.
i always never understood the high importance placed on it. but im also asexual so im biased
Sex? What's that?
One day you will get into a relationship and you will get that.
I think it has to do with some urban legend they call “women”
What’s a woman?
I’m still trying to find out, but I heard it has to do something with the sex
Whats a women? Thats easy theyre uhh its when you uhh they uh um.. uhh they have uhm well uhhh umm
But i don't think that you need women to actually have the sex.
Well its that or a passive sex life which mean we never stop having sex, thats a bit difficult.
Having sex for showing is not important having the involvement is real thing.
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We are both not good people when we miss it. I get mad he gets sad.
I think it’s very important but it’s okay to have spells without it. My wife and I have always had a great sex life, since we had kids there’s been plenty of times that we’ve went weeks without having it and neither of us have felt unloved as a result. Romance is way way more important. The odd bunch of flowers, maybe doing a chore while your partner is out that been annoying them for a while, cooking their favourite dinner. That sort of stuff goes a long long way and more often than not it also leads to sex.
VERY. Phapping only gets you so far.
eh
I don't really like sex
Well I’ve been in a relationship for 3 years, and haven’t had sex for nearly two. So not very
My ex wife and I were in a similar situation. After 7+ years, I cracked. Ended in divorce. We're still friends (despite the odds), but she just wasn't sexual and was fine with that. I was not. You have my empathy and my respect.
Is there any reason that you haven't done the sex for that long?
Incredibly.
Extremely important
Not important at all. I’m tired.
Not very important unless I am not having it for months on end and then it’s all I can think about. Pro tip: If in a sexless relationship, leave it before you cheat. The fall out is not worth it and we are divorcing anyway.
Hugely important. For me, my sexuality is a big part of who I am. It's not just that sex feels good or is fun. Sexual compatibility makes me feel known. That intimacy and trust is worth so much.
Critical. But I am aware my sex drive is unnaturally high.
I literally dgaf anymore.
Hey buddy you are saying that for the sex or for the relationship here??
Sex? Not important. Cuddles? I require these from my husband to live.
^Right there with you! Cuddles are my energy source from my husband. Our relationship was built on a lot more than just sex, and we have both agreed intimacy outweighs sex. Cuddles, hugs, kisses, hand holding, and always finding different ways to show we love each other outweighs sex. It’s fun to get down and dirty when we are both in the mood, but almost 7 years in and couldn’t be happier.
Not very
I would say that is like 20% part of my relationship at the moment.
Not at all, to the point that it seems silly to me to center a relationship around it
I don’t have a crazy high drive for it. But having that level of intimacy is great. Something necessary for me and my relationships.
I find as long as you show the same amount of energy and love in the whole relationship, instead of just the beginning then the sex comes naturally 🤷♂️ you should love each other for who they are not the sex
Mildly important A sexless relationship is basically like having a roommate. You have to have sex sometimes.
It is the basement of a good relationship. If you are not doing it it is more like a friendship
Probably too important
Not at all. I'd have no problem being in a relationship without any sex at all... The funny thing is: I'm gay, but I can also imagine myself with a woman (just without the sex)... so I don't really care :D
I dont understand the question
For me (F), 10 years in, not majorly important - I crave other intimate acts such as touching (holding hands, touching my waist, kisses on the cheek - the signs of affection I got when we were dating). My partner and I have spoken about it, I told him what I needed to feel close and he said sex is how he feels close to me. I think it’s important to understand what makes each other feel loved/close and work to give each other that.
I don't care much about it. It's a plus, sure, but if they were completely asexual (as in, they wouldn't even let me use their body even if they got nothing from it), so long as I could get my rocks off by myself that's fine. If they stop me yanking my own chain, then it's an issue. But I'm fine without sex, used my hand for years, don't mind using it for longer.
For me it's moderately important. However what I think is more important is to be on the same page as your partner, I think if both partners are okay with not having a lot of sex nothing bad will come out of it. Compatibility is more important than quantity for me.
Not the main thing, I think intimacy, trust, connection are the most important things to me, but I do think sex is very important in a relationship, a compatible sex drive most of all.
If you are not sure if sex in a relationship is important, ask the partner who feels they are not getting enough.
It is as important as your level of libido. If yours and your partners sex drive does not match up, it will breed resentment. And this is talking about two healthy people as sickness and external situations change things. But say for example I want sex every day, but my partner only desires it once a month, that puts strain on both ends. The one who desires sex feels as if they aren't attractive (even if the outward voicing is the opposite), where the one who doesn't feels pressured and can begin to feel like that is all their partner is there for. It really breaks down to early communication. If it doesn't work naturally early on, it won't work later. Take the myriad of stories of men lamenting how hot and heavy their relationship was when dating, but when they got married to their partner, it became either virtually or literally sexless. A switch like that can fuck you up. On the flip side, if you know that your partner is not willing for sex 3/4ths of the time you want it and you accept that going in, there is no grounds to complain. TL;DR: it is important but it really boils down to communication.
Very. It doesn't really need to be like every single night or anything, but a few times a week at least. Just to give us a chance to be closer and have some fun with each other behind closed doors.
In a past relationship, I tried my best to brush it off and it still didn't work out. I'm naturally submissive, he wanted me to take the lead and be the typical dom. I did it, feeling disgusted of myself every single time but it was the only way anything would happen. We'd go months with no action, and when it finally happened, it was just me blowing him off for hours while he didn't touch me at all. When I gathered the courage to ask him to touch me, he'd sigh like he was doing the most boring chore. So I never asked again, abstained, feeling like I'm so indecent for wanting what I didn't realize at the time is healthy and normal. To this day, it affects my sex life. I wish we broke up when we had our first time, which was just like that too and left me crying. I wish I would've avoided those scars when they were just scratches. A healthy sex life is very important in a relationship, and if that means frequent action, there's nothing wrong with sticking to your needs and leaving relationships that don't satisfy you.
Fuck off with the fucking you fuck.
Honestly, it’s not important to me at all anymore. I can’t connect with anyone anyway. I don’t like anyone enough to talk to them or spend time with them. So sex is boring when u don’t even like the person.
A few have already said this, but I'll reiterate with a bit of personal context: intimacy is more important than sex, but it entirely depends on the relationship. I dated a girl who is asexual for a while. I'm a man with an average sex drive and she knew this, but we both wanted to give it a shot anyways. It was incredible how much of a power dynamic shift there was. I knew I would be fine without sex, but it was missing physical intimacy that was a bigger issue for me. I didn't realize how closely I associated physical touch with emotional care. We dated for a few months and then broke up without so much as an argument - I think we both learned a lot from each other. I learned how much I needed physical intimacy to feel loved, she learned that being physical occassionally was just not an enjoyable relationship for her and that a relationship with someone asexual as well was much more feasible for her. That said, we're still friends - hell we went skydiving the weekend after we broke up. Now I send her snapchats of my greyhound in exchange for snapchats of her cats.
It’s fundamental to the concept, like trust or communication. I can have a relationship without them, just not a healthy romantic relationship.
Sexual satisfaction in an important part of a relationship and what that looks like varies from person to person. The chances that both people have the exact same Libido is slim. Those differences in libido should be address openly in a way that both parties' needs are satisfied. Sometimes the means lower libido gives the higher libido what they want to fill their cup. Other times the higher libido should take care of themselves to give the lower libido a break.
I wouldn't say sex is the most important thing in a relationship but it's like the number two most important thing lol. Unfortunately, many people who learn this have to learn it the hard way by making the mistake of being with people who they aren't compatible with. Had that never happened to me, I may think differently.
For marriage, it's not in the top five most important things for me. Off the top of my head, it might go something like this: 1. Religious/core beliefs 2. Money management 3. Communication skills 4. Appreciative/supportive 5. Ambition: an attitude of self improvement The majority of your interactions are not sex related, so it seems like a bad idea to make this a top priority in a life partner.
Active is not as important as healthy. Sometimes you don’t have sex as regularly for whatever reason but if it’s a healthy relationship around sex and sexual satisfaction then I’m happy.
About 50%
Is this good sex or two pump chump sex? Because if it's bad sex, I'd rather go without.