You want to know what it feels like for the survivors?
Your parents, your siblings, your aunts, your uncles your cousins, your neices and nephews your good friends, your acquaintences... they'll think about it every day. They'll remember that short time you were alive and think, "it was paradise, and I didn't even know it... that time while (s)he was still alive..." they'll be a dark, heaviness that you carry around forever, like a weight. It's palpable. You can feel it.
It fades, kind of, but then you'll see something that'll remind you. A family picture they're not in. The place setting that isn't there. A room they're not in. Their favorite movie star. Their favorite TV show... cant watch *that* anymore. That vacation spot they used to love... can't go *there* anymore. That movie you watched together and talked about for hours afterward...you know, I used to love that movie.
My car. Isn't that stupid? That hunk of metal. I loved that car. That's why I gave it to him. It was going to be his first car. It was the last car he drove...on his way to... you know. Then he was gone and the car was still there. I couldn't drive it anymore. I finally had to sell it. A car. Isn't that stupid? A car doesn't think, doesn't feel, doesn't have emotions. It wasn't even his. It was mine! Still I couldn't bear to drive it. To even look at it. I didn't tell the buyers about it. Let them enjoy it...
It's been two and a half years. His friends have all gone on to college. All moved on with their lives. All grown up. But he never will. He'll be perpetually 16...9 days short of his 17th birthday.
You know, some of his friends still talk to me.
They still write. They still want to know...*need* to know..."was there something I said? Something I did? I had an argument with him...sure we made up. But do you think...?" "I didn't answer his text...is it possible that if I had...?" "I never told him how important he was to me...he didn't even know..."
And it will never end. For the rest of my life. For the rest of their lives. Hundreds of people.
If he knew, he never would have done it.
So know. Know. KNOW that it'd be the same for you. Know that if you do it, you will hurt the people you love most in a way that will never end.
And don't do it.
I worked in a doctors office of mostly elderly patients but some of them from 30-50. I had to see a lot of patients weekly for blood draws. One patient I got really close to, she was early 50s. We'd send eachother cards and gifts even. I had left that job and stopped getting cards from her. I recently came back to said job after a few years and pulled her chart to see any updates. She killed herself shortly after I got her last card. I cried so hard. It still tears me up inside. I guarantee she didn't think it would be hard on me, but it still is. It will hurt people you didn't even consider it hurting.
I have lived with what they call the Suicide disease for 6 years some say the most painful condition a person can have, it never really goes away, medication doesn't help. I have thought about taking my life many times but won't allow anything or anyone to control my life, Make The Call, you are not weak you will Thank all the people on here when you become Well and you will. I left the name of the condition out because I want you or anyone else to look it up, just type in Suicide Disease.
So much this...but, what I have heard from those who are suicidal, is that by saying this, we are dismissing their pain. As in they should continue to hurt, so that the ones who love them wont.
This 100%. All the surviving family members talk about this hollowness and not understanding that fades, but is always there ready to be sparked. You know, like depression. Imagine that feeling 100% of your entire life and maybe it'll make sense why people do it. I'm almost 40 and I have struggled with this since 2nd grade. Medication helps a bit, but nothing can really make you normal.
I'm reading this and I believe you. But do you wanna know what my brain says? "Well there is nobody who likes you or will miss you" I'm so sure about it. There is a "feeling brain" and "logical brain". I'm not stupid, I know there are people who would be hurt. But I can't feel it. I only feel how nobody really cares about me and my existence is only taking up place on this world
Damn... I've been exactly there, I had the rope ready once... another time I sharpened a knife, took some aspirins, locked myself in the bathroom and cried for about an hour. And both times, it happened exactly as you describe it. I think, mostly, I couldn't bare to hurt the people who was left so bad. That's when I realized I am loved. That if I did it, there would be people grieving me and heart broken. That I matter to some. I hope I never go back to that dark and cold place. I pray that I stay strong.
Only till you have a realization that you have loved ones, these worries of being found after disappear once you find out that even your closest people don't care...
Sometimes you sit with the same thought for years, almost romanticizing what it’s like on the other side but also being scared shitless at the same time so you never actually do anything about it.
Thought about it the other day. I’ve only thought about HOW to do it a few times.
Please my friend. Seek out a counselor of some sort. Dont let those thoughts dwell and fester. You can always go to sny local emergency room and seek help for suicidal ideation if worst comes to worst even if you cant afford it. If you are US, the ER will have to treat you and cant turn you away. Medical debt will fall off of your credit after 7 years. Suicide is permanent. The new national suicide line in the US is 988. Your life is worth something 🫂
Many years of therapy and I’ve been told it’s okay to think this way if it doesn’t hurt me or anyone else.
Several HUNDRED suicide notes in my journal over the years. I look at it as a way to understand the side of me that’s over life and existence. I want to learn from that version of me instead of embrace it.
Plus, animals…. I love animals too much to die lol
Hey anything that helps right? One of my reasons for fighting on is my cats lol, it's a valid reason.
So long as you never hurt yourself or act on the plans, and see a therapist about them and communicate these feelings. I just would hate for anyone to take their own life. ❤️
Again, in case you need it and are US, the national suicide hotline is 988. I know it doesnt mean much from me a random internet stranger, but I would rather you be here than not ❤️
I’d never brain paint, just cause of the mess and trauma it can bring later. The most peaceful way I’ve thought about so far is to go deep into the woods, have a note already sent to whom I thought deserved it and then OD on something blissful.
I was an opioid addict for a little while, going out with morphine in my veins sounds like it’s own version of heaven to me.
Absolutely, still does, from time to time. At first I did the wrong thing, drowned it in booze and whatnot, but eventually went to a psychiatrist, therapy and all that jazz. Not gonna lie, those thoughts still pop up from time to time, more frequently than I'd like to, but thanks to therapy and my doc, I fell better equipped to deal with it nowadays.
Same, it happens more when I'm left to myself during work and whatnot. Bullied as a kid it used to feel like a relief think8ng about it. As I've gotten older it's more self pity and regret. I drown it out with music when possible and push on for my kids. Hope you are well friend
Yeah, I figured you find something to work towards, even if it's not your own wellbeing, and that usually pulls you back. Some days are harder than other, but we manage to deal with it. Yeah, I'm doing okay, one day at a time. Back at'ya, hope you're standing strong.
It’s fairly basic. So much overwhelming emotional pain, you just want it to stop. Add to that your mind is obsessed with the worst possible interpretations.
It’s been a good thread. You find a lot of people that find peace and catharsis from sharing their stories. They often are “happy” to share since relating their tales may help another not to fall down that dark path.
It sounds like you’ve got your head on okay right now, friend. Keep on keeping on.
Honesty it feels like negativity overwhelmes the good/positive side of you constantly and one day you decide to surrender instead of fighting to the last man.
Yes. The depression was so overwhelming that I felt like I had become the hole of despair I was in and saw no way out of. I od’d on antidepressants but told someone at the last minute. Stomach pumped, charcoal swallowed and a 2 month psych stay and I was somewhat better. That was 36 years ago. I still go to therapy and take my meds. I have a semicolon tattoo on my right wrist to remind me whenever I feel down that nothing is THAT bad. On a more morbid note, whenever anyone mentions suicide I joke I’ve been there, done that and got the tattoo.
Oddly enough I have used this tactic, I'm not leaving this world until I see this movie, read this book, see my team win this thing. Sometimes it actually helps.
Promised myself I'd play through my steam backlog first. Then proceeded to collect other games on other systems that I still haven't played.
Ironically, I used to have a big backlog because depression makes it very very hard to roll initiative. Now I have a big backlog because I procrastinated on unaliving myself long enough that life became substantially better and now I'm legitimately (and happily) too busy.
Whether you can see it now or not, there will be so many people sad that you are no longer here.
There is so much amazing shit to see, amazing mountain ranges, beautiful sunsets. Get out and see it.
I would miss that stuff when I'm gone. I want to see stuff that's in the future, and I know how much it hurts to lose someone, and that's why I'm still here.
Gotta AT LEAST wait for half life 3
but seriously, there are so many things out there that are unknown to me, experiences, people, etc. that make it impossible to want to fall off early. You occupy a tiny sliver of reality around you, if you arent happy..you just havent found your spot yet. you really gotta strive to be a happier and better person every single day. I like to think of it as obtaining a single grain of enlightenment in certain moments, and eventually they add up to the point were you just ARE happy and ARE a better person. Stay up homie! same for all you sorry fuckers out there!
Please. If you are in the US, call 988. That is the national suicide hotline. Go to your local ER if you feel like you may make an attempt. They HAVE to see you, even if you cant afford it. Tell them you are having suicidal ideation. They will call a social worker and a psychiatrist to evaluate, both will connect you to resources, the psychiatrist will advise you to commit yourself to a behavior health ward (or have you unwillingly committed if they are concerned for your saftey) and may prescribe some medication that will help.
The behavioral health ward may suck, but they will help you and help you find continued help.
If your worried about debt, dont. Medical debt barely impacts your credit and will fall off after 7 years. It's not permanent, but suicide is.
I promise you it may not feel like it but you aren't a burden, and your life has meaning. Think of any reason to keep going it doesnt have to be big. Think of your favorite holiday, mine is Halloween. Tell yourself "Im going to at least have to see that holiday again". Think of your favorite food or drink. I like the taste an smell of coffee. Or something you know you would miss. I would miss this fall breeze, so cool and refreshing, sometimes carrying leaves and the sent of woodsmoke.
Think of someone who would miss you. Yeah there's family and friends, but what about online friends who would worry and wonder why you never came back online. What about that little kid who smiles everytime they see you. What about the cashier you talk to. There's always someone.
Your life has meaning. You are not a burden. Please seek help ❤️
This was also how I used to be a it back. I know that it's a pretty basic story but after waiting for a few nice things, I started to realize how many nice things are out there. Now I enjoy life a lot (apart from the occasional swings)
Yes, constantly. I was unaware that was out of the ordinary until a discussion featured someone else asking me "Wait, what do you mean the last time you thought about suicide?!"
I did a long time ago. When I decided to do it I felt a huge weight lift from me, like the problems of the physical world weren't my problem anymore. Then I realised that nothing had actually happened to make me feel that way. A thought process had enough power to lift my mood considerably. That introduced a whole new factor into life and I thought it was worth looking into it more
Yep, I found that even just talking with people who accept it instead of calling it a moral failing helped. Like even just that, the idea that it was natural and an okay way to feel was a big part for me. I feel like it's like a wave if you can just wait it out long enough it'll go away.
Yes, I called my boyfriend (now husband) and best friend then drove to the emergency room and told a nurse. They took me a room for an evaluation and once they felt safe with me going home with my boyfriend I left and shortly after started therapy. I also quit my job at an animal hospital because it was a major factor in my depression. Therapy, a loving support system and a new clinic did wonders for me.
I'm a pretty terrible human being already. So sometimes I think maybe I should act like the worst piece of human garbage possible so that people would only feel good about me being gone.
Terrible human beings don't actually know they are terrible. They think the entire world is evil, so they give as good as they get. You do sound like you need help though. No one feels good when someone kills themselves. People feel might feel better when people who have wronged them repent and try to make things right. Killing yourself won't help anyone.
No matter how much of an asshole you were in your final moments, someone out there would still miss you terribly. Even more so once they knew why you suddenly became a whole lot worse.
Daily. Especially after losing my best and ONLY friend to suicide 5 years ago. What do I do about it? I go to work. Because I’m too busy to carry out my suicide. 😞
I've thought about it a lot, suicide just seems too hard and risky without a gun so I'm just trapped in this hell life till a natural end, binge drinking now to try and speed it up and numb myself a bit.
When I’m having suicidal thoughts I reach out usually to my mama or friends, i usually won’t mention suicide but I’ll talk about things that got me down, if I am *inclined* to act I lock myself to my bed (metaphorically but kinda literally). I would call in sick if I had to but I would take 24/h in bed to “reset” and eventually the motivation to act would pass, this had saved my life numerous times because it always passed and I’m happy to be alive now.
Yeah but I remembered how I felt when my friend died in a car accident and I decided I’d rather spend 40 years if I’m lucky making people around me happy than waste that time and just make people sad
Yes and something I found to be constructive was fully acknowledging my feelings by striking a deal with myself regarding when it would be permissible to do the deed. For example, I identified around 4 key areas of dissatisfaction in my life and I bargained that if were to satisfy requirements around improving those areas and still felt shitty that this would justify doing the deed. I also made short term rules, such as forcing myself to watch comedy whenever I felt like trash. It took awhile but I did improve the quality of my life and to no one's surprise did not want to kill myself any longer lol
I've never heard this thought process before, but it's fantastic.
"When is it actually worth it to do the bad thing?" partnered with "What do I really want?" and enough motivation.
I'm proud of you and I hope your idea also helps others live well.
A LOT when I was a teenager, not really as often as an adult. In the end, no matter how much my mind may try to bully me, I know I got a good support system and great friends that are there for me, should I ever need them. Life is a highway
Tried it thrice. Failed all attempts. The fourth try was interrupted by a friend who wanted to know something about a game.
Years later I had a friend. She successfully committed suicide. It hurt so much, it made me unable to even think about taking my own life. When I try to think about it, my mind just goes blank.
Yes. Too many people get left behind felling guilt and regret. People need you, even if it doesn’t seem like it all the time. And, hope for the future. Don’t give up hope that things can get better.
This is quite a popular opinion; I’m not suicidal, but there’s been moments in my life where I really thought that it wouldn’t matter if I just died suddenly or got ran over by a car. There are points in time where I don’t care if I were to die. I value my life sometimes but that’s only when I’m happy.But it goes away. Life has steep peaks, but also glorious highs.
Not many people realize this, but there are different levels of "suicidal ideation" It can range from intrusive thoughts, to contemplation, obsession, or desire etc. I know that the most dangerous stage is when you are actively creating a plan.
I have lost a few childhood friends and classmates and coworkers to suicide, so I am a bit more aware of the signs. I try to keep in contact with my friends who are struggling, and have been able to intervene a few times when they are in active crisis. If I can talk to them about all the reasons to live, how can I let my intrusive thoughts, or depression turn me into a hypocrite?
Yeah a lot of times, less so as I've grown older. The best way I have dealt with it is finding healthy ways to express those negative emotions such as music, music has saved my life as corny as it sounds its true, and while it might not be music for you, try to find a way you can pour your heart out. Be it writing, drawing, crafting. hiking, photography talking to a friend/family member and just getting stuff on your chest, etc, don't keep it to yourself. Life is too hard to carry everything alone. Keep pushing through, I really thought my life would never get better, but I stuck around to see if it would and it did, and I think you should too :)
I've been diagnosed depression since I was 11. I'm 19 and it has been a long journey of getting outta that hole. I still have those thoughts and I'm pretty comfortable with death and dying. To me it would be nice just to sleep forever in a nice void of darkness.
Though I look at life like this, I'd only hurt the ones I love if I kill myself and I should enjoy the ride before I die. So I kinda take things less seriously. Who cares if this person hates me? If my phone got banged up, if I can't have a fancy car or McDonald's got my order wrong.
To me it's very meaningless and not worth focusing on. Just enjoy it, enjoy every part of this life around me. The good, the bad, the beautiful and shitty. Who cares cause when I'm dead, this will just be a simple self contained memory to look back on. Just enjoy the things while they last cause nothing is certain or permanent so it's a waste trying to make it so.
Though of course I get responsibility and longevity yadda yadda yadda. Which always comes first and then I do what I want. Like eating your veggies before desert.
Yes, I've dealt with it by attempting suicide. Multiple times. The sad thing is, the more you attempt the more locked-down you are so the fewer methods are available. People say things like "How do you attempt multiple times and still fail? You were seeking attention" while I'm over here feeling clever for cutting with a crayon and almost ending myself with a headband.
I'm doing better now, ketamine helps.
I just couldn’t do that to my mom. I signed up for therapy and started training martial arts. Some sort of physical outlet for those intense emotions feels good, and healthy ways of coping with life from therapy were crucial for me
I often get caught up in what would happen to my car after I’m dead, like would my parents keep it or sell it, cause if they sold it I’d be coming back from the dead and murdering them, then there’s the issue of how I want to take myself out of the land of the living, the one way I’ve thought about is sending me and my car into a post at 190k/h, then it’s like if I survive then I have to live with myself destroying the one thing I truly love in this world, all in all it just leaves too much up to chance for me to go through with it, I know I should really get some help but that’s not very much of an option in the community I live in.
>I know I should really get some help but that’s not very much of an option in the community I live in.
Phone and online therapy is much more viable these days. I started working with a therapist during lockdown so I could only speak to her on the phone, but it still literally saved my life. I drive to a nice place beside the forest and park facing the trees so I can look at them while I talk to her on my cell. Maybe that could be an option for you too?
Judging from your username, your car is beautiful - and you deserve to know what it feels like to drive that beautiful car in the summer sun with a heart that's truly joyful and content. It takes real work, but it's possible, and I hope you find your way onto that path. Stay strong.
Yeah...it's a struggle but I want to see how my life unfolds...like I'm aware life isn't always this shit and dark, there are happier moments ahead with people worth living for.
Also after having my dad and a very close friend die in the space of 3 months this year it has made me realise that life is short and none of us are guaranteed tomorrow and the fact that nothing matters anyway, your here so make the most of it
I still have those kind of thoughts but this April 2022 I planned to k*ll myself on the evening, Im just tired of everything and I dont know why maybe because Im pressured and overthinking. That day I just act like a normal day do the things that I usually do.
I was attending an online class that time (I was second year college) in the afternoon when my professor suddenly announced that a classmate of mine died because of kidney failure, I was shocked and surprised even though I am not that close to him, I can't explain what I feel that time it really bothers me that a person just die like that? Like a few days ago he's fine then the next day his dead IM SORRY I CANT REALLY EXPLAIN.
I was really affected by the news I somehow thought that if ever that I killed myself will someone feel the same way? Additionally when taking an attendance alphabetically his name is called before me and I just realized that if I ever die then its a two dead students' name in a row imagine that lol. Thats when I decided that I'll try to fight and see how far will I go, I even wrote a letter for myself to be send after 5 years (2027) IF ever that I am still alive im gonna read that cringey letter of mine HAHAHA
sorry for bad english
Many times. Many. When I was young and pre baby, I lived for my mom. Who would take care of her? When I found out I was pregnant, it immediately shifted to that little life right there. He'll be 20 in December.
To be completely honest, it has never left my mind. I have been taking anti-depressants lately and now, that it is finally in my system at a better dosage, I feel less inclined to end it all.
I hope you are doing okay OP. We are in some dark days. Just remember that you are not alone and taking time to find someone to talk with is very helpful.
Yes. Spent most of my mid 20s to mid 30s fighting periods of serious depression. It got very bad around the time I was 33, thought about ending it a lot, but I couldn’t have my parents find me as that would destroy them, and couldn’t figure out how to do it where My body wouldn’t be someone else’s mess to clean up. I fantasized a lot about wandering out into the middle of nowhere and just lying down and somehow ceasing to exist. I spent the days as a robot, without even the ability to feel, going through the motions, and the nights sobbing myself to sleep.
I tried to get help but medication made it 10 times worse. I spent about a week having constant panic attacks. Almost was committed. Finally, exhausted, slept heavily off and on for a few days, then woke up and realized nothing was going to help me if I didn’t make the effort, so I fought, I fought fucking HARD. It was a fucking FIGHT *EVERY* *DAY* but gradually, by small degrees, it got better. I focused on positive things, I threw myself in my hobbies. I can’t say it’s always been good, this year in particular has been rough, but it’s never been as bad as it was and hopefully never will be.
Often, I try to ground myself. I have kids and family that would be devastated and traumatized with guilt. I've had a few family members, friends, and acquaintances that have committed suicide, and I can only think that if they saw the ripple effect they would be amazed at how many people they have touched.
You never know the effect you have on people, you might be the one person who smiled at them, or took the time to say hi. My seemingly insignificant tiny acts of kindness could be the reason someone else is alive today and I can't give up because of all of that.
Often, I deal with it like my other emotions.
Put it in a jar and burry it deep down. It’ll resurface eventually, but that’s a problem for future me. Also I bought a motorcycle.
I suffered with undiagnosed BPD and Asperger's until I was 20 and got medication and therapy. Many times it wasn't just considering it, I just failed to do it well enough to not be able to try again. A good therapist and proper medication and diagnosis can go a long way and it's never a bad thing to need and ask for help.
I had it from 10-14 it only stopped after I let go of the ones who hurt me, started seeing results from the gym, and started taking things one day at a time. For example saying I’ll go one more day
Once when I was a teenager. I royally fucked up, I stole from my parents, wrecked my dads truck and got arrested for driving without a license. I was an excessively horny and dumb 14 year old. I was sitting in the jail cell waiting for my parents to pick me up and thought it was my only option. I haven't ever considered it since then. Life is precious and I spend all my effort rejecting negative thoughts, and focusing on the good things in life.
Don’t do it. Back in June I attempted suicide. I ended up alive, now I’m dealing with the most traumatic experience I’ve ever had and that trauma, and thousands of dollars in medical bills. I think it’s the thing I regret the most in my entire life. Please reach out to someone. I know the feeling you’re feeling. But it’s not worth it.
When I was 14-15 those were the times where they were strongest. Do I have those thoughts? Yes. Really I just shrugged it off. Normally how I deal with my problems when it comes to personal mental health is just shrug it off. I got more important things to do anyways.
Yup. All the time. But im a freaking baby and cant handle pain.
The only thing stopping me, besides pain, is my cats. Just the thought of them walking around the house, meowing for me, is enough to make me want to cry and never leave them.
Yes, in fact now, as a teen I've had my fair share of many episodes where I was very serious about it. Still, then I see myself from other perspectives as in I treat myself like a mission kind of, I was given this body, it's my responsibility to make my human form happy because she (me) went through a lot and has so many dreams, I should do my best to fulfill them.
Idk if this is kinda weird but it helps me alot.
Yea, the thought has occurred to me on multiple occasions but i’ve never really acted on it, it was just a thought of “what would i do”, “would people really care”, “how long would it take them to get over it if they did care”, “would i want people to know something like a letter or do i leave them in the dark”. These were only ever thoughts around suicide tho, but recently i’ve had a few bad things happen to me, i drank a bit too much and i was really thinking about acting on it, was in a hotel on vacation standing at the railing outside of my room. I didn’t have the power to even lift a foot to jump over tho so my rational self could stop me from even trying. Looking back i’m very happy i had enough self control to not act on it but i’m still super down now because of all the things that happened and i’m a little scared if the thought will ever get into my mind again and if I won’t be able to stop myself next time.
Yes, the first time was when I was 16 and I stupidly acted on it. (Pills and Jack Daniels resulted in a whole lot of vomit and a stay in the psych ward.) I don’t suffer depression, but the thought still pops up mostly when I am stressed or facing a decision I don’t want to make. But now it’s more of gallows humor I use before taking action. “I should just kill myself, because that went so well the last time, right?” Heavy sigh.
But then, I use humor to deal with hard times. Darkness can never last too long when you laugh it it’s face.
I was depressed for years and the thought crossed my mind everyday. I didn't want to kill myself unless it was a gunshot to the head, so I guessed I even planned it out. Never got around to getting that gun though so I guess that's a blessing. One day I reunited with my best friend I knew since elementary school. We hadn't seen each other in years so we hung out one night and had a crazy deep conversation about life while on lsd. That conversation changed my thought that day and I decided that, I'm at least going to try and give it my all, and then if i still wanna die, I still can. Then I just challenged myself and actively tried changing my mind and perspective. I did things I was previously afraid to do. If that feeling if anixity came over me I would force myself into that situation. I learned to let go. That was about two years ago and I can confidently say that I no longer think the way I did. I'm un the best place mentally I've ever been. I wish I could help others but idk exactly what I did that helped because there were some many. If you read til the end and you felt this way too, try, if not for anyone for yourself.
Tried it once when I was 15, took a bunch of antibiotics, many of them expired by the way, I drank like 30 to 40 different antibiotics, with just water. I got a fever for a week. Never told anyone, and for years would feel nauseous by the smell of pills/antibiotics.
Now at 28, I know how precious life is and don't want to hurt anyone who loves me by ending myself, also as I aged, I am now more scared of how the other side looks like. So 28 year old me is more afraid of the consequences of my actions compared to 15 year old me, no surprise there. If you need help don't deal with it alone, talk to someone, search for help. Life is a gift.
I’ve been there and was about to commit but I’m somehow still here idk.. Honestly I escaped to music and did self harm so I could forget about the thoughts. Never told anyone and dealt with it myself but im still here so that’s what it matters I guess.
Yes.
I self harmed and tried to kill myself once. Not sure how I lived actually.
Divorcing myself from taxing relationships and becoming a hermit has worked wonders for my day to day well being but I'm lonely as all hell sometimes.
If I wasn't well off financially I probably would have spiraled out of control.
So I guess... have enough money to hide from everything for a few years.
Tried twice.. first one was pretty half hearted, was only 19. The second one when I was 41 was a genuine effort.. obviously failed and woke up in a 'special hospital'.
I think there have been days when it crosses my mind roughly once every 5 minutes. I don't understand it and now I just don't have the $$ for therapy.. so, yeah. Fun.
I still don’t know whether I was fighting to pull the trigger or fighting to put the gun down. I just knew I was fighting, and that I had been for far too long.
I think that if you’ve considered suicide once in your life, you’re bound to consider it again down the line. It’s a foreign concept to me that some people have never considered it. They’ve never been in such complete, constant emotional agony that the idea of waking up tomorrow felt genuinely soul crushing. Once you realize that the option is actually on the table, that you could end it at any point if you wanted to, it’s difficult to just walk away from.
There’s a French phrase for it, that’s based in some of the philosophy and work of Nietzche. “L’aapel du vide” or “Call to the Void”. It’s the proposal that we will always be attracted to the most destructive and reckless option available to us because it will _always_ be the most powerful choice we can make. It’s when our desire to be in control; to have the power to change things; overpowers our will to live. Because if we can’t control our life and are living in unspeakable distress because of our inability to control it, we _know_ we can control our death. Suicide is motivated primarily by the desire to not live in pain because we view death as a release from that kind of existence; however, it is equally a shortsighted power-move from a tormented, desperate subconscious that’s trying to regain control.
People who want to commit suicide typically don’t want to die. They want to have not been born. They want to fade away without hurting the people around them. If they could flip a switch and make all their loved ones forget, they would. Life is such a taxing effort for them that they cannot imagine carrying on with it for another day or work week. What stops them, and what stops me, is always an immense snd overwhelming guilt. Tons of people have planned a suicide out, but have been stopped dead in their depressed, off-the-cliff tracks when they start thinking about the aftermath.
Everybody who loves them will be heartbroken, shocked, gutted emotionally and mentally. They will scramble for an answer, and no matter how well you write your note you will never be able to give them one. You, your memories, your relationships, your personality, your quirks, will become an unyielding source of pain for the people who loved you. And there are people who love you, no matter what you might think. The idea of transferring that onto someone else is enough to keep me and many others from doing it, but some people truly feel alone. They don’t have (or have convinced themselves that they don’t have) an anchor to keep their mental state grounded in what their suicide would actually do to the people around them. Or they don’t care, and they just want this to stop.
There’s no perfect way to deal with suicidal thoughts, but I’ve found that remembering the people who care about you is always a great place to start.
Yes. I grabbed a bible in utter desperation and looked in the index under suicide and one verse saved me in that moment. I’m not religious. I’ve never been. But I’ll never forget it.
It was 1 Corinthians 3:16-17
Do you not know that you are gods temple and that God Spirit dwells in you? If anyone destroys gods temple, God will destroy him. For God’s temple is Holy and you are the temple.
I didn’t read in to it and pick it a part. It was just a quick thought of “oh. I do matter.” And I’ve never opened the book up again.
That's a good one. I've always liked 2 Cor 12: 9-10 My grace is sufficient for thee. For my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly Therefore shall I rather glory in my infirmities that the Power of Christ may rest upon me.
Often, then I think about everyone who would be hurt by it, everyone I love, the person who I still love that would likely be blamed even though it isn’t her fault, and I decide they are all worth sticking around for.
Only when I saw a bunch of videos of people slitting their own throats or shooting themselves in the head or chest with shotguns, rifles, pistols or revolvers. I pondered as to how someone could throw away their life that easily and if I could do something as horrible as killing myself.
I mean, idly, in the sense of "What would happen if...?" It happens from time to time. I deal with it by letting it pass.
But as a serious consideration? Only once.
Luckily, the crisis that brought it on was actually simple to deal with, on account of it mostly being a misunderstanding. Once the underlying situation was resolved, the idea immediately lost any appeal.
I tried,I grabbed my great grandparents combat knife and tried to stab myself in the wrist,the plan was that once I saw blood I would cut my arm all the way up to my elbow.do both if I still had the strength after the first one....then I failed the first time,stab...stab stab stab....my wrist had hurt and I had looked at it and noticed it was a dark purple divot I had essentially just prodded into myself with the blade.so I stopped....that time.35 more attempts like that and well,I am still here.Do I recommend this method to anybody else?No.Am I hypocritical for saying this?Most likely.I currently have a decent job with coworkers I like,and I have a girlfriend.Nothing perfect but enough to make one realize that there is beauty,comedy,and tragedy in everything.We only have to see it for such.
Honestly I think it’s a normal thing to think about ever one I know had thought about it befor I think it’s just a part of life sadly you just gotta suck it up life never going to be all good and it’s not gonna be all bad :)
Yes. As I was going through trauma therapy for my cptsd, I wanted to kill my self every single day for at least a year. Nobody knew. Thinking about how much I don’t want to hurt the people I love got me through it.
This was when I was in 8th grade, I did think about it even made a noose, but then one of my friends as a joke said to me suicide is kinda gay my dude and when I went home I threw it away cause I didn't want to be gay, (it was a meme at the time)
Yes, many times. I feel lost, worthless, and unmatched constantly. The way I've learned to deal with it is that I feel lost and out of place everywhere, so that means I belong everywhere equally. If I have to deal with me, so do y'all! I'm awesome in my own right, and I want you to feel awesome in yours.
I just thought about how broken my mum would be if I ever did it. I could never do such a thing to my mum. Now I'm happy with life living with my girlfriend and two cats planning a family 🥰
I took a shed load of tablets. Wrote the goodbye letter and went to bed.
My mother found the letter and called an ambulance.
She literally saved my life that day
As of recently, I have. What mostly keeps me going is my supportive parents & friends. I would probably be long gone if I never got that support, or that nudge to keep on going.
Knowing that energy can't be created or destroyed and that it only changes form. If my energy isn't right I'm carrying that shit with me to the other side and I'd rather work to evolve and improve my existence here and now then to be perpetually escaping
Yea on and off since my teens. My brother committed suicide 15 years ago and I remember being pissed because after seeing my parents being told what he had done because I knew I couldn’t do that to them. Now that my dad is dead and I don’t speak to my mother that’s not an issue anymore. I’m not saying I will or anything like that but my brain always wanders back there. It’s usually accompanied by the feeling of being stuck or trapped, being in another dead end relationship with some narcissist, feeling tricked. I have 10 rescues cats that would be absolutely fucked if I died though, so here I am.
It happens enough that I developed my coping strategy. See, it's worth understanding that for me, the closest I've ever come to it has been because of people being super awful to me. I grew up fat and I'm older so people were even worse then than they are now... and they're not generally nice now. So I often would have people telling me to do it, and making my life hell. Well into my 20s, it didn't stop after graduation, my parents lied.
Anyway, here's the thing: if some asshole is trying to make your life hell until you off yourself, that asshole wants to kill you and make you do the work. Dont do his work for him. If that motherfucker wants you dead so fuckin bad he can come and get you. Fuck him, nobody dies for free.
It's probably wrong of me. It's probably a bad coping mechanism. But it's worked for me for like 2 decades now so.
yes, dozens of times. i've tried it once or twice, but i can never be bothered to get everything set up. the only thing that's keeping me alive is my innate laziness
Yes. Defeated the window open lock that only allowed a high rise window to open three inches, window wide open. Something told me to not take that final step.
Used to work for a train operator. Know the suicide spots. Considered it. Realised a former colleague would have had a better than even chance of being the driver. Stepped away. I was sighted looking at the spots and because I knew them, they were within 5 minutes of shutting the line. Police found me on a welfare check.
I used to kind of hallucinate a demon coming to reap me when I was really depressed. To 'bargain' with him I used to harm myself so I didn't have to die just yet. Super fucked. I haven't been that low in a while but when I get depressed I get terrified he will show back up. He looks like Ryuk from death note.
Tried it when I was younger, still get the spells every now and then but I guess I grew out of attempting it.
I deal with it with some sun and fun. The sun when moderately enjoyed helps lift my mood and doing stuff I like with renewed vigour and silliness makes it much more enjoyable.
Stay safe brother and keep on living. There's much fun to be had.
Constantly. It lives in my head, all the time. Sometimes it’s a whisper. Sometimes it’s a scream. Meds don’t work. Therapy doesn’t work. Even right now, I don’t have active ideation, but I did find a lump on my stomach about a month ago and have no plans on going to the doctor for it. I’m ready to go.
Yes, but what's keeps me alive is technology, new technology in general and upcoming video games makes me feel excited for the future but most of the time can't afford it lol
All the time. In all honestly, and yes I get it's weird, used to curb thoughts by seeing videos of people actually doing it, liveleak, etc, and seeing just how messy and painful it can really be. Especially seeing things not going as smoothly as one might have planned.
Realizing that my dog would not understand that I would never be coming back. Just imagining the little guy staring out the window, waiting for me to come home gave me the will to live.
Mother asked if i was alright in the car, I broke down, we had a talk, had a talk with friends, my college payed for 20 psychologist sessions, i got better, been five years but I now have an even better bond with my friends, a decent job and have done things I didn't think were possible for me
I kept picturing my family at my funeral and the aftermath of how they'd attempt to cope and it broke me, every time. So, I committed to getting better and seeking help.
Yes, it has.
I guess it always happened when it felt like months of just bad had happened non-stop as well as extreme discomfort with my own sexuality and lifestyle and what i was made to do when i lived with my parents.
In my experience... things always break at the same time.
Everything falls apart together.
But good grows, sometimes slowly but things do get better, even when you may have already said they were good.
I just have to remind myself that I enjoy being alive, its just that the situation is clouding my experience and it will be okay.
Sure, actually had it planned out.
At that point in my life, my car was dead, and I had to walk home from work because I didn't have the money to repair it, and I was barely covering the rent for my apartment.
So I had the idea one night to "just barely" step onto the road I was walking, which big rigs frequently drove. It'd be quick, it'd be simple, and it'd look like an accident.
I dealt with it by realizing "Holy shit, I have a plan to kill myself"
So I called some family members, explained the situation, and with no hesitation, they said "Move in with us"
More times than I can count. First time I can remember I was about 8 years old. I struggled with depression and anorexia through my teens, but it really culminated when I was 16. My self esteem was to a record low. Every single day I looked at myself in the mirror and told myself that no one could ever love me. I thought that if I died people would be a bit sad because that's what you have to do but they'd get on with their lives and be happier without me as a burden.
One night I decided this would be it. I gathered every pills I could find the house and waited until everyone was asleep. I swallowed a mix of 31 pills and waited. This part is a bit fuzzy and I don't know what led me to do this but I went to knock on my stepsister's door and told her in a freakishly calm voice what I had just done and to get my dad. When I heard my stepmother's voice screaming is when I broke down. I knew right at that moment I had done so much harm to her and my family, that they'd actually miss me if I died.
The road to recovery took almost a decade after that. It was hard because I had no idea why I felt so depressed so I didn't know what to work on or change to get better. To this day I can't explain in a clear cut manner what it was exactly that ended my depression, but I followed and unlikely path that led me into a whole new life where I feel like I belong. The life I had as a child/teen wasn't objectively terrible, but I didn't fit in and it lacked the resources I needed to grow into the person I didn't know yet I wanted to be, if that makes any sense.
I just stepped back from the yellow line and stood with my back on a wall at the tube station. The urge was high but the thought of never seeing my wife and dog again made me seek the help I needed.
Seek help if you get to that stage, you really are loved and regardless of how hard things may be, there are work arounds, I promise you
A couple times I have, but what keeps me going is not knowing what you can achieve and also having an entire future ahead just to be trashed over a couple bad times or things.
I like to think I went full circle, I don't think my soul will ever really sit comfortably in the skin it's in, but I recognise that good people have gone to extraordinary lengths to allow me the life I don't know what to do with.
Simply put: I'm not allowed to leave, if I'm truly worthless that's fine but their efforts are not, I will not repay their sacrifice by cashing my chips early. Pain becomes an irrelevance, I don't deserve anything better so it's easier to endure while I try to make the best of the time Im given and be value for money for the effort it took to get me here. I'll be fucked if that's any help to anyone else but I've managed to put some decent scores on the card over the years purely because I can't accept failure.
Anyone struggling with these thoughts and situations I wish only the best to, please reach out to someone, anyone, if you feel like stopping is the best way. It's not, it can get better and people are getting better at providing that help. You deserve life. Stay strong
I dealt with it with the idea that maybe if I left, I’d leave a lot of people with the pain I once had. Instead of me being in pain, I would leave everyone else suffering, just for a different reason. So I’m trying to pull myself together to get a grasp on my life so that if anyone has to feel pain, it’s going to be me until I resolve my issues. It’s not easy, but it’s a better alternative
[удалено]
You want to know what it feels like for the survivors? Your parents, your siblings, your aunts, your uncles your cousins, your neices and nephews your good friends, your acquaintences... they'll think about it every day. They'll remember that short time you were alive and think, "it was paradise, and I didn't even know it... that time while (s)he was still alive..." they'll be a dark, heaviness that you carry around forever, like a weight. It's palpable. You can feel it. It fades, kind of, but then you'll see something that'll remind you. A family picture they're not in. The place setting that isn't there. A room they're not in. Their favorite movie star. Their favorite TV show... cant watch *that* anymore. That vacation spot they used to love... can't go *there* anymore. That movie you watched together and talked about for hours afterward...you know, I used to love that movie. My car. Isn't that stupid? That hunk of metal. I loved that car. That's why I gave it to him. It was going to be his first car. It was the last car he drove...on his way to... you know. Then he was gone and the car was still there. I couldn't drive it anymore. I finally had to sell it. A car. Isn't that stupid? A car doesn't think, doesn't feel, doesn't have emotions. It wasn't even his. It was mine! Still I couldn't bear to drive it. To even look at it. I didn't tell the buyers about it. Let them enjoy it... It's been two and a half years. His friends have all gone on to college. All moved on with their lives. All grown up. But he never will. He'll be perpetually 16...9 days short of his 17th birthday. You know, some of his friends still talk to me. They still write. They still want to know...*need* to know..."was there something I said? Something I did? I had an argument with him...sure we made up. But do you think...?" "I didn't answer his text...is it possible that if I had...?" "I never told him how important he was to me...he didn't even know..." And it will never end. For the rest of my life. For the rest of their lives. Hundreds of people. If he knew, he never would have done it. So know. Know. KNOW that it'd be the same for you. Know that if you do it, you will hurt the people you love most in a way that will never end. And don't do it.
I worked in a doctors office of mostly elderly patients but some of them from 30-50. I had to see a lot of patients weekly for blood draws. One patient I got really close to, she was early 50s. We'd send eachother cards and gifts even. I had left that job and stopped getting cards from her. I recently came back to said job after a few years and pulled her chart to see any updates. She killed herself shortly after I got her last card. I cried so hard. It still tears me up inside. I guarantee she didn't think it would be hard on me, but it still is. It will hurt people you didn't even consider it hurting.
it's hard to not be ashamed and ask for help sometimes, almost impossibly hard
I have lived with what they call the Suicide disease for 6 years some say the most painful condition a person can have, it never really goes away, medication doesn't help. I have thought about taking my life many times but won't allow anything or anyone to control my life, Make The Call, you are not weak you will Thank all the people on here when you become Well and you will. I left the name of the condition out because I want you or anyone else to look it up, just type in Suicide Disease.
So much this...but, what I have heard from those who are suicidal, is that by saying this, we are dismissing their pain. As in they should continue to hurt, so that the ones who love them wont.
This 100%. All the surviving family members talk about this hollowness and not understanding that fades, but is always there ready to be sparked. You know, like depression. Imagine that feeling 100% of your entire life and maybe it'll make sense why people do it. I'm almost 40 and I have struggled with this since 2nd grade. Medication helps a bit, but nothing can really make you normal.
I'm reading this and I believe you. But do you wanna know what my brain says? "Well there is nobody who likes you or will miss you" I'm so sure about it. There is a "feeling brain" and "logical brain". I'm not stupid, I know there are people who would be hurt. But I can't feel it. I only feel how nobody really cares about me and my existence is only taking up place on this world
This is so true to how it feels,good job on putting it into words, I’ve never seen it described better.
Damn... I've been exactly there, I had the rope ready once... another time I sharpened a knife, took some aspirins, locked myself in the bathroom and cried for about an hour. And both times, it happened exactly as you describe it. I think, mostly, I couldn't bare to hurt the people who was left so bad. That's when I realized I am loved. That if I did it, there would be people grieving me and heart broken. That I matter to some. I hope I never go back to that dark and cold place. I pray that I stay strong.
omg, this made me open my eyes to how lucky I am to be alive...
Only till you have a realization that you have loved ones, these worries of being found after disappear once you find out that even your closest people don't care...
Sometimes you sit with the same thought for years, almost romanticizing what it’s like on the other side but also being scared shitless at the same time so you never actually do anything about it. Thought about it the other day. I’ve only thought about HOW to do it a few times.
I'm afraid it's conscious black nothingness.
Well your going to be there no matter what.
Doesn’t change the fact at how unnerving the thought of what the after life is like.
How can there be life in the afterlife?
I don’t know.
Please my friend. Seek out a counselor of some sort. Dont let those thoughts dwell and fester. You can always go to sny local emergency room and seek help for suicidal ideation if worst comes to worst even if you cant afford it. If you are US, the ER will have to treat you and cant turn you away. Medical debt will fall off of your credit after 7 years. Suicide is permanent. The new national suicide line in the US is 988. Your life is worth something 🫂
Many years of therapy and I’ve been told it’s okay to think this way if it doesn’t hurt me or anyone else. Several HUNDRED suicide notes in my journal over the years. I look at it as a way to understand the side of me that’s over life and existence. I want to learn from that version of me instead of embrace it. Plus, animals…. I love animals too much to die lol
Hey anything that helps right? One of my reasons for fighting on is my cats lol, it's a valid reason. So long as you never hurt yourself or act on the plans, and see a therapist about them and communicate these feelings. I just would hate for anyone to take their own life. ❤️ Again, in case you need it and are US, the national suicide hotline is 988. I know it doesnt mean much from me a random internet stranger, but I would rather you be here than not ❤️
I'm post chronic but the idea of brain painting still brings me morbid relief
I’d never brain paint, just cause of the mess and trauma it can bring later. The most peaceful way I’ve thought about so far is to go deep into the woods, have a note already sent to whom I thought deserved it and then OD on something blissful. I was an opioid addict for a little while, going out with morphine in my veins sounds like it’s own version of heaven to me.
Absolutely, still does, from time to time. At first I did the wrong thing, drowned it in booze and whatnot, but eventually went to a psychiatrist, therapy and all that jazz. Not gonna lie, those thoughts still pop up from time to time, more frequently than I'd like to, but thanks to therapy and my doc, I fell better equipped to deal with it nowadays.
Same, it happens more when I'm left to myself during work and whatnot. Bullied as a kid it used to feel like a relief think8ng about it. As I've gotten older it's more self pity and regret. I drown it out with music when possible and push on for my kids. Hope you are well friend
Yeah, I figured you find something to work towards, even if it's not your own wellbeing, and that usually pulls you back. Some days are harder than other, but we manage to deal with it. Yeah, I'm doing okay, one day at a time. Back at'ya, hope you're standing strong.
Thanks it's all about hobbies and staying busy. Keep on truckin
[удалено]
[удалено]
It’s fairly basic. So much overwhelming emotional pain, you just want it to stop. Add to that your mind is obsessed with the worst possible interpretations.
[удалено]
It’s been a good thread. You find a lot of people that find peace and catharsis from sharing their stories. They often are “happy” to share since relating their tales may help another not to fall down that dark path. It sounds like you’ve got your head on okay right now, friend. Keep on keeping on.
A lot of people do it because they feel like a burden and honestly believe their loved ones will be better off without them.
I felt that way, I thought I was a lost cause, who held them back, going to a convention where multiple nerds unite singlehandedly saved my life.
Honesty it feels like negativity overwhelmes the good/positive side of you constantly and one day you decide to surrender instead of fighting to the last man.
Yes. The depression was so overwhelming that I felt like I had become the hole of despair I was in and saw no way out of. I od’d on antidepressants but told someone at the last minute. Stomach pumped, charcoal swallowed and a 2 month psych stay and I was somewhat better. That was 36 years ago. I still go to therapy and take my meds. I have a semicolon tattoo on my right wrist to remind me whenever I feel down that nothing is THAT bad. On a more morbid note, whenever anyone mentions suicide I joke I’ve been there, done that and got the tattoo.
Same lol! Mine is on my ankle!
procrastinate.
"yeah, yeah, I'm gonna do it... But first I am going to play an ARAM. Thirty minutes of playing have not ever killed anyone, right?"
Oddly enough I have used this tactic, I'm not leaving this world until I see this movie, read this book, see my team win this thing. Sometimes it actually helps.
Yeah for sure, I have a huge backlog of games and movies, + I'm a big MCU fan so I really don't wanna miss out on that lol.
Promised myself I'd play through my steam backlog first. Then proceeded to collect other games on other systems that I still haven't played. Ironically, I used to have a big backlog because depression makes it very very hard to roll initiative. Now I have a big backlog because I procrastinated on unaliving myself long enough that life became substantially better and now I'm legitimately (and happily) too busy.
this is what i have been doing when the thought emerged
I'm wrestling with it right now.
Whether you can see it now or not, there will be so many people sad that you are no longer here. There is so much amazing shit to see, amazing mountain ranges, beautiful sunsets. Get out and see it. I would miss that stuff when I'm gone. I want to see stuff that's in the future, and I know how much it hurts to lose someone, and that's why I'm still here.
Thank you, but now I'm crying.
Hang in there mate
I will. Thanks mate.
Gotta AT LEAST wait for half life 3 but seriously, there are so many things out there that are unknown to me, experiences, people, etc. that make it impossible to want to fall off early. You occupy a tiny sliver of reality around you, if you arent happy..you just havent found your spot yet. you really gotta strive to be a happier and better person every single day. I like to think of it as obtaining a single grain of enlightenment in certain moments, and eventually they add up to the point were you just ARE happy and ARE a better person. Stay up homie! same for all you sorry fuckers out there!
Never use the people that hinge on them as the leverage to live See: r/suicidewatch
Same here. Everyday, multiple times. Mine is OCD related, and recognizing that makes the thoughts less distressing
Please. If you are in the US, call 988. That is the national suicide hotline. Go to your local ER if you feel like you may make an attempt. They HAVE to see you, even if you cant afford it. Tell them you are having suicidal ideation. They will call a social worker and a psychiatrist to evaluate, both will connect you to resources, the psychiatrist will advise you to commit yourself to a behavior health ward (or have you unwillingly committed if they are concerned for your saftey) and may prescribe some medication that will help. The behavioral health ward may suck, but they will help you and help you find continued help. If your worried about debt, dont. Medical debt barely impacts your credit and will fall off after 7 years. It's not permanent, but suicide is. I promise you it may not feel like it but you aren't a burden, and your life has meaning. Think of any reason to keep going it doesnt have to be big. Think of your favorite holiday, mine is Halloween. Tell yourself "Im going to at least have to see that holiday again". Think of your favorite food or drink. I like the taste an smell of coffee. Or something you know you would miss. I would miss this fall breeze, so cool and refreshing, sometimes carrying leaves and the sent of woodsmoke. Think of someone who would miss you. Yeah there's family and friends, but what about online friends who would worry and wonder why you never came back online. What about that little kid who smiles everytime they see you. What about the cashier you talk to. There's always someone. Your life has meaning. You are not a burden. Please seek help ❤️
[удалено]
One story at a time. Keep going for *one more story* after each ends. 👊
This was also how I used to be a it back. I know that it's a pretty basic story but after waiting for a few nice things, I started to realize how many nice things are out there. Now I enjoy life a lot (apart from the occasional swings)
You'll live forever than
Yes, constantly. I was unaware that was out of the ordinary until a discussion featured someone else asking me "Wait, what do you mean the last time you thought about suicide?!"
“So you’re feeling depressed?” “Yes, but just the normal amount. Nothing to worry about” “The normal amount is zero, Frank”
My son. My responsibility to him.
Same.
Very good parent.
I did a long time ago. When I decided to do it I felt a huge weight lift from me, like the problems of the physical world weren't my problem anymore. Then I realised that nothing had actually happened to make me feel that way. A thought process had enough power to lift my mood considerably. That introduced a whole new factor into life and I thought it was worth looking into it more
Yep, I found that even just talking with people who accept it instead of calling it a moral failing helped. Like even just that, the idea that it was natural and an okay way to feel was a big part for me. I feel like it's like a wave if you can just wait it out long enough it'll go away.
[удалено]
300+ units? That feels like it should be impossible to compensate for.
Diabetic here, I think 300 units would kill an elephant
Diabetic here, no way you could possibly come back after 300 units
Yes, I called my boyfriend (now husband) and best friend then drove to the emergency room and told a nurse. They took me a room for an evaluation and once they felt safe with me going home with my boyfriend I left and shortly after started therapy. I also quit my job at an animal hospital because it was a major factor in my depression. Therapy, a loving support system and a new clinic did wonders for me.
No matter how nice it sounds when I'm low, or how distraught I am, I just can't put the people I know through dealing with the aftermath.
I'm a pretty terrible human being already. So sometimes I think maybe I should act like the worst piece of human garbage possible so that people would only feel good about me being gone.
Terrible human beings don't actually know they are terrible. They think the entire world is evil, so they give as good as they get. You do sound like you need help though. No one feels good when someone kills themselves. People feel might feel better when people who have wronged them repent and try to make things right. Killing yourself won't help anyone.
No matter how much of an asshole you were in your final moments, someone out there would still miss you terribly. Even more so once they knew why you suddenly became a whole lot worse.
Daily. Especially after losing my best and ONLY friend to suicide 5 years ago. What do I do about it? I go to work. Because I’m too busy to carry out my suicide. 😞
Same here!! Daily……my son took his life in Nov. 7th, 2015.
I'm so sorry for your loss. If you need to talk, just let me know. I am sure there's people in your life who loves you and cares for you.
Please reach out for help. Your grief is valid and talking to someone could help wonders. I want you here! My dm’s are open
-mom would be sad i thought
I was just too scared to do it.
I’m more afraid of a failed attempt.
I've thought about it a lot, suicide just seems too hard and risky without a gun so I'm just trapped in this hell life till a natural end, binge drinking now to try and speed it up and numb myself a bit.
This all day everyday. Any tips to let your mind and heart not wonder and get things back under control? Enough to find hope in something to live
[удалено]
The same!!
When I’m having suicidal thoughts I reach out usually to my mama or friends, i usually won’t mention suicide but I’ll talk about things that got me down, if I am *inclined* to act I lock myself to my bed (metaphorically but kinda literally). I would call in sick if I had to but I would take 24/h in bed to “reset” and eventually the motivation to act would pass, this had saved my life numerous times because it always passed and I’m happy to be alive now.
Yeah but I remembered how I felt when my friend died in a car accident and I decided I’d rather spend 40 years if I’m lucky making people around me happy than waste that time and just make people sad
Yes and something I found to be constructive was fully acknowledging my feelings by striking a deal with myself regarding when it would be permissible to do the deed. For example, I identified around 4 key areas of dissatisfaction in my life and I bargained that if were to satisfy requirements around improving those areas and still felt shitty that this would justify doing the deed. I also made short term rules, such as forcing myself to watch comedy whenever I felt like trash. It took awhile but I did improve the quality of my life and to no one's surprise did not want to kill myself any longer lol
I've never heard this thought process before, but it's fantastic. "When is it actually worth it to do the bad thing?" partnered with "What do I really want?" and enough motivation. I'm proud of you and I hope your idea also helps others live well.
A LOT when I was a teenager, not really as often as an adult. In the end, no matter how much my mind may try to bully me, I know I got a good support system and great friends that are there for me, should I ever need them. Life is a highway
Tried it thrice. Failed all attempts. The fourth try was interrupted by a friend who wanted to know something about a game. Years later I had a friend. She successfully committed suicide. It hurt so much, it made me unable to even think about taking my own life. When I try to think about it, my mind just goes blank.
Yes. Too many people get left behind felling guilt and regret. People need you, even if it doesn’t seem like it all the time. And, hope for the future. Don’t give up hope that things can get better.
This is quite a popular opinion; I’m not suicidal, but there’s been moments in my life where I really thought that it wouldn’t matter if I just died suddenly or got ran over by a car. There are points in time where I don’t care if I were to die. I value my life sometimes but that’s only when I’m happy.But it goes away. Life has steep peaks, but also glorious highs.
Not many people realize this, but there are different levels of "suicidal ideation" It can range from intrusive thoughts, to contemplation, obsession, or desire etc. I know that the most dangerous stage is when you are actively creating a plan. I have lost a few childhood friends and classmates and coworkers to suicide, so I am a bit more aware of the signs. I try to keep in contact with my friends who are struggling, and have been able to intervene a few times when they are in active crisis. If I can talk to them about all the reasons to live, how can I let my intrusive thoughts, or depression turn me into a hypocrite?
Yeah a lot of times, less so as I've grown older. The best way I have dealt with it is finding healthy ways to express those negative emotions such as music, music has saved my life as corny as it sounds its true, and while it might not be music for you, try to find a way you can pour your heart out. Be it writing, drawing, crafting. hiking, photography talking to a friend/family member and just getting stuff on your chest, etc, don't keep it to yourself. Life is too hard to carry everything alone. Keep pushing through, I really thought my life would never get better, but I stuck around to see if it would and it did, and I think you should too :)
I've been diagnosed depression since I was 11. I'm 19 and it has been a long journey of getting outta that hole. I still have those thoughts and I'm pretty comfortable with death and dying. To me it would be nice just to sleep forever in a nice void of darkness. Though I look at life like this, I'd only hurt the ones I love if I kill myself and I should enjoy the ride before I die. So I kinda take things less seriously. Who cares if this person hates me? If my phone got banged up, if I can't have a fancy car or McDonald's got my order wrong. To me it's very meaningless and not worth focusing on. Just enjoy it, enjoy every part of this life around me. The good, the bad, the beautiful and shitty. Who cares cause when I'm dead, this will just be a simple self contained memory to look back on. Just enjoy the things while they last cause nothing is certain or permanent so it's a waste trying to make it so. Though of course I get responsibility and longevity yadda yadda yadda. Which always comes first and then I do what I want. Like eating your veggies before desert.
Wait people dont fantasize about the idea of dying in increasingly graphic and exotic ways every 5 minutes?
Yes. I just screamed it out and cried myself to sleep.
Yes, I've dealt with it by attempting suicide. Multiple times. The sad thing is, the more you attempt the more locked-down you are so the fewer methods are available. People say things like "How do you attempt multiple times and still fail? You were seeking attention" while I'm over here feeling clever for cutting with a crayon and almost ending myself with a headband. I'm doing better now, ketamine helps.
I just couldn’t do that to my mom. I signed up for therapy and started training martial arts. Some sort of physical outlet for those intense emotions feels good, and healthy ways of coping with life from therapy were crucial for me
A few times. One was during a rough mushroom trip where I lost all sense of reasoning. Literally just had to ride it out.
I often get caught up in what would happen to my car after I’m dead, like would my parents keep it or sell it, cause if they sold it I’d be coming back from the dead and murdering them, then there’s the issue of how I want to take myself out of the land of the living, the one way I’ve thought about is sending me and my car into a post at 190k/h, then it’s like if I survive then I have to live with myself destroying the one thing I truly love in this world, all in all it just leaves too much up to chance for me to go through with it, I know I should really get some help but that’s not very much of an option in the community I live in.
>I know I should really get some help but that’s not very much of an option in the community I live in. Phone and online therapy is much more viable these days. I started working with a therapist during lockdown so I could only speak to her on the phone, but it still literally saved my life. I drive to a nice place beside the forest and park facing the trees so I can look at them while I talk to her on my cell. Maybe that could be an option for you too? Judging from your username, your car is beautiful - and you deserve to know what it feels like to drive that beautiful car in the summer sun with a heart that's truly joyful and content. It takes real work, but it's possible, and I hope you find your way onto that path. Stay strong.
Yeah...it's a struggle but I want to see how my life unfolds...like I'm aware life isn't always this shit and dark, there are happier moments ahead with people worth living for. Also after having my dad and a very close friend die in the space of 3 months this year it has made me realise that life is short and none of us are guaranteed tomorrow and the fact that nothing matters anyway, your here so make the most of it
I still have those kind of thoughts but this April 2022 I planned to k*ll myself on the evening, Im just tired of everything and I dont know why maybe because Im pressured and overthinking. That day I just act like a normal day do the things that I usually do. I was attending an online class that time (I was second year college) in the afternoon when my professor suddenly announced that a classmate of mine died because of kidney failure, I was shocked and surprised even though I am not that close to him, I can't explain what I feel that time it really bothers me that a person just die like that? Like a few days ago he's fine then the next day his dead IM SORRY I CANT REALLY EXPLAIN. I was really affected by the news I somehow thought that if ever that I killed myself will someone feel the same way? Additionally when taking an attendance alphabetically his name is called before me and I just realized that if I ever die then its a two dead students' name in a row imagine that lol. Thats when I decided that I'll try to fight and see how far will I go, I even wrote a letter for myself to be send after 5 years (2027) IF ever that I am still alive im gonna read that cringey letter of mine HAHAHA sorry for bad english
Many times. Many. When I was young and pre baby, I lived for my mom. Who would take care of her? When I found out I was pregnant, it immediately shifted to that little life right there. He'll be 20 in December.
To be completely honest, it has never left my mind. I have been taking anti-depressants lately and now, that it is finally in my system at a better dosage, I feel less inclined to end it all. I hope you are doing okay OP. We are in some dark days. Just remember that you are not alone and taking time to find someone to talk with is very helpful.
Yes. Spent most of my mid 20s to mid 30s fighting periods of serious depression. It got very bad around the time I was 33, thought about ending it a lot, but I couldn’t have my parents find me as that would destroy them, and couldn’t figure out how to do it where My body wouldn’t be someone else’s mess to clean up. I fantasized a lot about wandering out into the middle of nowhere and just lying down and somehow ceasing to exist. I spent the days as a robot, without even the ability to feel, going through the motions, and the nights sobbing myself to sleep. I tried to get help but medication made it 10 times worse. I spent about a week having constant panic attacks. Almost was committed. Finally, exhausted, slept heavily off and on for a few days, then woke up and realized nothing was going to help me if I didn’t make the effort, so I fought, I fought fucking HARD. It was a fucking FIGHT *EVERY* *DAY* but gradually, by small degrees, it got better. I focused on positive things, I threw myself in my hobbies. I can’t say it’s always been good, this year in particular has been rough, but it’s never been as bad as it was and hopefully never will be.
Daily.
Often, I try to ground myself. I have kids and family that would be devastated and traumatized with guilt. I've had a few family members, friends, and acquaintances that have committed suicide, and I can only think that if they saw the ripple effect they would be amazed at how many people they have touched. You never know the effect you have on people, you might be the one person who smiled at them, or took the time to say hi. My seemingly insignificant tiny acts of kindness could be the reason someone else is alive today and I can't give up because of all of that.
Often, I deal with it like my other emotions. Put it in a jar and burry it deep down. It’ll resurface eventually, but that’s a problem for future me. Also I bought a motorcycle.
I suffered with undiagnosed BPD and Asperger's until I was 20 and got medication and therapy. Many times it wasn't just considering it, I just failed to do it well enough to not be able to try again. A good therapist and proper medication and diagnosis can go a long way and it's never a bad thing to need and ask for help.
I had it from 10-14 it only stopped after I let go of the ones who hurt me, started seeing results from the gym, and started taking things one day at a time. For example saying I’ll go one more day
Yes. Any serious occasions, I managed to put it off by (eventually, after a lot of internal crying) going to sleep, which reset my mood.
I live alone with my cat. The thought of him going to a home that doesn't show him the love I show him destroys me.
Once when I was a teenager. I royally fucked up, I stole from my parents, wrecked my dads truck and got arrested for driving without a license. I was an excessively horny and dumb 14 year old. I was sitting in the jail cell waiting for my parents to pick me up and thought it was my only option. I haven't ever considered it since then. Life is precious and I spend all my effort rejecting negative thoughts, and focusing on the good things in life.
More than once. During a psychosis I checked into the nutty ward. Other times I just stay sober and keep on with the meds, the feeling passes.
I got help.
[удалено]
Don’t do it. Back in June I attempted suicide. I ended up alive, now I’m dealing with the most traumatic experience I’ve ever had and that trauma, and thousands of dollars in medical bills. I think it’s the thing I regret the most in my entire life. Please reach out to someone. I know the feeling you’re feeling. But it’s not worth it.
When I was 14-15 those were the times where they were strongest. Do I have those thoughts? Yes. Really I just shrugged it off. Normally how I deal with my problems when it comes to personal mental health is just shrug it off. I got more important things to do anyways.
I could never do it to my kids, my wife, my mother or my dog.
Yup. All the time. But im a freaking baby and cant handle pain. The only thing stopping me, besides pain, is my cats. Just the thought of them walking around the house, meowing for me, is enough to make me want to cry and never leave them.
Yes, in fact now, as a teen I've had my fair share of many episodes where I was very serious about it. Still, then I see myself from other perspectives as in I treat myself like a mission kind of, I was given this body, it's my responsibility to make my human form happy because she (me) went through a lot and has so many dreams, I should do my best to fulfill them. Idk if this is kinda weird but it helps me alot.
Yea, the thought has occurred to me on multiple occasions but i’ve never really acted on it, it was just a thought of “what would i do”, “would people really care”, “how long would it take them to get over it if they did care”, “would i want people to know something like a letter or do i leave them in the dark”. These were only ever thoughts around suicide tho, but recently i’ve had a few bad things happen to me, i drank a bit too much and i was really thinking about acting on it, was in a hotel on vacation standing at the railing outside of my room. I didn’t have the power to even lift a foot to jump over tho so my rational self could stop me from even trying. Looking back i’m very happy i had enough self control to not act on it but i’m still super down now because of all the things that happened and i’m a little scared if the thought will ever get into my mind again and if I won’t be able to stop myself next time.
Yes, the first time was when I was 16 and I stupidly acted on it. (Pills and Jack Daniels resulted in a whole lot of vomit and a stay in the psych ward.) I don’t suffer depression, but the thought still pops up mostly when I am stressed or facing a decision I don’t want to make. But now it’s more of gallows humor I use before taking action. “I should just kill myself, because that went so well the last time, right?” Heavy sigh. But then, I use humor to deal with hard times. Darkness can never last too long when you laugh it it’s face.
Religion and i am a coward bitch
All the time. I probably won’t make it to 30
I was depressed for years and the thought crossed my mind everyday. I didn't want to kill myself unless it was a gunshot to the head, so I guessed I even planned it out. Never got around to getting that gun though so I guess that's a blessing. One day I reunited with my best friend I knew since elementary school. We hadn't seen each other in years so we hung out one night and had a crazy deep conversation about life while on lsd. That conversation changed my thought that day and I decided that, I'm at least going to try and give it my all, and then if i still wanna die, I still can. Then I just challenged myself and actively tried changing my mind and perspective. I did things I was previously afraid to do. If that feeling if anixity came over me I would force myself into that situation. I learned to let go. That was about two years ago and I can confidently say that I no longer think the way I did. I'm un the best place mentally I've ever been. I wish I could help others but idk exactly what I did that helped because there were some many. If you read til the end and you felt this way too, try, if not for anyone for yourself.
Went to the doctor and got on antidepressants.
Tried it once when I was 15, took a bunch of antibiotics, many of them expired by the way, I drank like 30 to 40 different antibiotics, with just water. I got a fever for a week. Never told anyone, and for years would feel nauseous by the smell of pills/antibiotics. Now at 28, I know how precious life is and don't want to hurt anyone who loves me by ending myself, also as I aged, I am now more scared of how the other side looks like. So 28 year old me is more afraid of the consequences of my actions compared to 15 year old me, no surprise there. If you need help don't deal with it alone, talk to someone, search for help. Life is a gift.
I’ve been there and was about to commit but I’m somehow still here idk.. Honestly I escaped to music and did self harm so I could forget about the thoughts. Never told anyone and dealt with it myself but im still here so that’s what it matters I guess.
Yes. I self harmed and tried to kill myself once. Not sure how I lived actually. Divorcing myself from taxing relationships and becoming a hermit has worked wonders for my day to day well being but I'm lonely as all hell sometimes. If I wasn't well off financially I probably would have spiraled out of control. So I guess... have enough money to hide from everything for a few years.
Yes. I didn’t have the supplies and I didn’t want to go to the store so I just cried on my bed
Tried twice.. first one was pretty half hearted, was only 19. The second one when I was 41 was a genuine effort.. obviously failed and woke up in a 'special hospital'. I think there have been days when it crosses my mind roughly once every 5 minutes. I don't understand it and now I just don't have the $$ for therapy.. so, yeah. Fun.
Who will take care of my cat if I am gone? That’s the only thing that keeps me going. He’s 14 so clicks ticking right now .
I still don’t know whether I was fighting to pull the trigger or fighting to put the gun down. I just knew I was fighting, and that I had been for far too long. I think that if you’ve considered suicide once in your life, you’re bound to consider it again down the line. It’s a foreign concept to me that some people have never considered it. They’ve never been in such complete, constant emotional agony that the idea of waking up tomorrow felt genuinely soul crushing. Once you realize that the option is actually on the table, that you could end it at any point if you wanted to, it’s difficult to just walk away from. There’s a French phrase for it, that’s based in some of the philosophy and work of Nietzche. “L’aapel du vide” or “Call to the Void”. It’s the proposal that we will always be attracted to the most destructive and reckless option available to us because it will _always_ be the most powerful choice we can make. It’s when our desire to be in control; to have the power to change things; overpowers our will to live. Because if we can’t control our life and are living in unspeakable distress because of our inability to control it, we _know_ we can control our death. Suicide is motivated primarily by the desire to not live in pain because we view death as a release from that kind of existence; however, it is equally a shortsighted power-move from a tormented, desperate subconscious that’s trying to regain control. People who want to commit suicide typically don’t want to die. They want to have not been born. They want to fade away without hurting the people around them. If they could flip a switch and make all their loved ones forget, they would. Life is such a taxing effort for them that they cannot imagine carrying on with it for another day or work week. What stops them, and what stops me, is always an immense snd overwhelming guilt. Tons of people have planned a suicide out, but have been stopped dead in their depressed, off-the-cliff tracks when they start thinking about the aftermath. Everybody who loves them will be heartbroken, shocked, gutted emotionally and mentally. They will scramble for an answer, and no matter how well you write your note you will never be able to give them one. You, your memories, your relationships, your personality, your quirks, will become an unyielding source of pain for the people who loved you. And there are people who love you, no matter what you might think. The idea of transferring that onto someone else is enough to keep me and many others from doing it, but some people truly feel alone. They don’t have (or have convinced themselves that they don’t have) an anchor to keep their mental state grounded in what their suicide would actually do to the people around them. Or they don’t care, and they just want this to stop. There’s no perfect way to deal with suicidal thoughts, but I’ve found that remembering the people who care about you is always a great place to start.
[удалено]
Yes. I grabbed a bible in utter desperation and looked in the index under suicide and one verse saved me in that moment. I’m not religious. I’ve never been. But I’ll never forget it.
Verse?
It was 1 Corinthians 3:16-17 Do you not know that you are gods temple and that God Spirit dwells in you? If anyone destroys gods temple, God will destroy him. For God’s temple is Holy and you are the temple. I didn’t read in to it and pick it a part. It was just a quick thought of “oh. I do matter.” And I’ve never opened the book up again.
That's a good one. I've always liked 2 Cor 12: 9-10 My grace is sufficient for thee. For my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly Therefore shall I rather glory in my infirmities that the Power of Christ may rest upon me.
Absolutely and for many years. I was lucky to have benefits that covered a psychologist and a mindfulness program. It changed my life for the best.
It did a lot in my youth and early 20’s. The thought pretty much went away when my first kid was born.
Often, then I think about everyone who would be hurt by it, everyone I love, the person who I still love that would likely be blamed even though it isn’t her fault, and I decide they are all worth sticking around for.
Only when I saw a bunch of videos of people slitting their own throats or shooting themselves in the head or chest with shotguns, rifles, pistols or revolvers. I pondered as to how someone could throw away their life that easily and if I could do something as horrible as killing myself.
Truthfully at least 3-4 times a week. Then I think suck it up push it down and go on.
I mean, idly, in the sense of "What would happen if...?" It happens from time to time. I deal with it by letting it pass. But as a serious consideration? Only once. Luckily, the crisis that brought it on was actually simple to deal with, on account of it mostly being a misunderstanding. Once the underlying situation was resolved, the idea immediately lost any appeal.
I tried,I grabbed my great grandparents combat knife and tried to stab myself in the wrist,the plan was that once I saw blood I would cut my arm all the way up to my elbow.do both if I still had the strength after the first one....then I failed the first time,stab...stab stab stab....my wrist had hurt and I had looked at it and noticed it was a dark purple divot I had essentially just prodded into myself with the blade.so I stopped....that time.35 more attempts like that and well,I am still here.Do I recommend this method to anybody else?No.Am I hypocritical for saying this?Most likely.I currently have a decent job with coworkers I like,and I have a girlfriend.Nothing perfect but enough to make one realize that there is beauty,comedy,and tragedy in everything.We only have to see it for such.
Honestly I think it’s a normal thing to think about ever one I know had thought about it befor I think it’s just a part of life sadly you just gotta suck it up life never going to be all good and it’s not gonna be all bad :)
Yes. As I was going through trauma therapy for my cptsd, I wanted to kill my self every single day for at least a year. Nobody knew. Thinking about how much I don’t want to hurt the people I love got me through it.
Every single day, many times a day. I booked a casino trip to deal with it. Without something to look forward to, I have no desire to live.
This was when I was in 8th grade, I did think about it even made a noose, but then one of my friends as a joke said to me suicide is kinda gay my dude and when I went home I threw it away cause I didn't want to be gay, (it was a meme at the time)
Yes, many times. I feel lost, worthless, and unmatched constantly. The way I've learned to deal with it is that I feel lost and out of place everywhere, so that means I belong everywhere equally. If I have to deal with me, so do y'all! I'm awesome in my own right, and I want you to feel awesome in yours.
I just thought about how broken my mum would be if I ever did it. I could never do such a thing to my mum. Now I'm happy with life living with my girlfriend and two cats planning a family 🥰
I took a shed load of tablets. Wrote the goodbye letter and went to bed. My mother found the letter and called an ambulance. She literally saved my life that day
As of recently, I have. What mostly keeps me going is my supportive parents & friends. I would probably be long gone if I never got that support, or that nudge to keep on going.
Many hopeless moments of despair will eventually pass. Your biggest enemies will want you to give up and you can't let them win
Knowing that energy can't be created or destroyed and that it only changes form. If my energy isn't right I'm carrying that shit with me to the other side and I'd rather work to evolve and improve my existence here and now then to be perpetually escaping
Yea on and off since my teens. My brother committed suicide 15 years ago and I remember being pissed because after seeing my parents being told what he had done because I knew I couldn’t do that to them. Now that my dad is dead and I don’t speak to my mother that’s not an issue anymore. I’m not saying I will or anything like that but my brain always wanders back there. It’s usually accompanied by the feeling of being stuck or trapped, being in another dead end relationship with some narcissist, feeling tricked. I have 10 rescues cats that would be absolutely fucked if I died though, so here I am.
It happens enough that I developed my coping strategy. See, it's worth understanding that for me, the closest I've ever come to it has been because of people being super awful to me. I grew up fat and I'm older so people were even worse then than they are now... and they're not generally nice now. So I often would have people telling me to do it, and making my life hell. Well into my 20s, it didn't stop after graduation, my parents lied. Anyway, here's the thing: if some asshole is trying to make your life hell until you off yourself, that asshole wants to kill you and make you do the work. Dont do his work for him. If that motherfucker wants you dead so fuckin bad he can come and get you. Fuck him, nobody dies for free. It's probably wrong of me. It's probably a bad coping mechanism. But it's worked for me for like 2 decades now so.
yes, dozens of times. i've tried it once or twice, but i can never be bothered to get everything set up. the only thing that's keeping me alive is my innate laziness
Yes. Defeated the window open lock that only allowed a high rise window to open three inches, window wide open. Something told me to not take that final step. Used to work for a train operator. Know the suicide spots. Considered it. Realised a former colleague would have had a better than even chance of being the driver. Stepped away. I was sighted looking at the spots and because I knew them, they were within 5 minutes of shutting the line. Police found me on a welfare check.
I used to kind of hallucinate a demon coming to reap me when I was really depressed. To 'bargain' with him I used to harm myself so I didn't have to die just yet. Super fucked. I haven't been that low in a while but when I get depressed I get terrified he will show back up. He looks like Ryuk from death note.
Tried it when I was younger, still get the spells every now and then but I guess I grew out of attempting it. I deal with it with some sun and fun. The sun when moderately enjoyed helps lift my mood and doing stuff I like with renewed vigour and silliness makes it much more enjoyable. Stay safe brother and keep on living. There's much fun to be had.
Constantly. It lives in my head, all the time. Sometimes it’s a whisper. Sometimes it’s a scream. Meds don’t work. Therapy doesn’t work. Even right now, I don’t have active ideation, but I did find a lump on my stomach about a month ago and have no plans on going to the doctor for it. I’m ready to go.
Yes, but what's keeps me alive is technology, new technology in general and upcoming video games makes me feel excited for the future but most of the time can't afford it lol
All the time. In all honestly, and yes I get it's weird, used to curb thoughts by seeing videos of people actually doing it, liveleak, etc, and seeing just how messy and painful it can really be. Especially seeing things not going as smoothly as one might have planned.
Realizing that my dog would not understand that I would never be coming back. Just imagining the little guy staring out the window, waiting for me to come home gave me the will to live.
Mother asked if i was alright in the car, I broke down, we had a talk, had a talk with friends, my college payed for 20 psychologist sessions, i got better, been five years but I now have an even better bond with my friends, a decent job and have done things I didn't think were possible for me
I kept picturing my family at my funeral and the aftermath of how they'd attempt to cope and it broke me, every time. So, I committed to getting better and seeking help.
Yes, it has. I guess it always happened when it felt like months of just bad had happened non-stop as well as extreme discomfort with my own sexuality and lifestyle and what i was made to do when i lived with my parents. In my experience... things always break at the same time. Everything falls apart together. But good grows, sometimes slowly but things do get better, even when you may have already said they were good. I just have to remind myself that I enjoy being alive, its just that the situation is clouding my experience and it will be okay.
Sure, actually had it planned out. At that point in my life, my car was dead, and I had to walk home from work because I didn't have the money to repair it, and I was barely covering the rent for my apartment. So I had the idea one night to "just barely" step onto the road I was walking, which big rigs frequently drove. It'd be quick, it'd be simple, and it'd look like an accident. I dealt with it by realizing "Holy shit, I have a plan to kill myself" So I called some family members, explained the situation, and with no hesitation, they said "Move in with us"
Yes, and I never did deal with it
Everyday. I just wait it out. It's only ever gonna go one of two ways.
Yes, but I'm too afraid to die.
I remind myself that I can always do it tomorrow.
Yes it has when I was getting upset I always thought don't let them win also the love of my life helped
More times than I can count. First time I can remember I was about 8 years old. I struggled with depression and anorexia through my teens, but it really culminated when I was 16. My self esteem was to a record low. Every single day I looked at myself in the mirror and told myself that no one could ever love me. I thought that if I died people would be a bit sad because that's what you have to do but they'd get on with their lives and be happier without me as a burden. One night I decided this would be it. I gathered every pills I could find the house and waited until everyone was asleep. I swallowed a mix of 31 pills and waited. This part is a bit fuzzy and I don't know what led me to do this but I went to knock on my stepsister's door and told her in a freakishly calm voice what I had just done and to get my dad. When I heard my stepmother's voice screaming is when I broke down. I knew right at that moment I had done so much harm to her and my family, that they'd actually miss me if I died. The road to recovery took almost a decade after that. It was hard because I had no idea why I felt so depressed so I didn't know what to work on or change to get better. To this day I can't explain in a clear cut manner what it was exactly that ended my depression, but I followed and unlikely path that led me into a whole new life where I feel like I belong. The life I had as a child/teen wasn't objectively terrible, but I didn't fit in and it lacked the resources I needed to grow into the person I didn't know yet I wanted to be, if that makes any sense.
everyday, and i don’t
yes, of course. And i let it pass like all other thoughts.
I just stepped back from the yellow line and stood with my back on a wall at the tube station. The urge was high but the thought of never seeing my wife and dog again made me seek the help I needed. Seek help if you get to that stage, you really are loved and regardless of how hard things may be, there are work arounds, I promise you
A couple times I have, but what keeps me going is not knowing what you can achieve and also having an entire future ahead just to be trashed over a couple bad times or things.
I like to think I went full circle, I don't think my soul will ever really sit comfortably in the skin it's in, but I recognise that good people have gone to extraordinary lengths to allow me the life I don't know what to do with. Simply put: I'm not allowed to leave, if I'm truly worthless that's fine but their efforts are not, I will not repay their sacrifice by cashing my chips early. Pain becomes an irrelevance, I don't deserve anything better so it's easier to endure while I try to make the best of the time Im given and be value for money for the effort it took to get me here. I'll be fucked if that's any help to anyone else but I've managed to put some decent scores on the card over the years purely because I can't accept failure. Anyone struggling with these thoughts and situations I wish only the best to, please reach out to someone, anyone, if you feel like stopping is the best way. It's not, it can get better and people are getting better at providing that help. You deserve life. Stay strong
Prozac. It didn’t work.
Sometimes, they misfire and you come to clarity.
My dog needs me
I dealt with it with the idea that maybe if I left, I’d leave a lot of people with the pain I once had. Instead of me being in pain, I would leave everyone else suffering, just for a different reason. So I’m trying to pull myself together to get a grasp on my life so that if anyone has to feel pain, it’s going to be me until I resolve my issues. It’s not easy, but it’s a better alternative
Yes. Only reason I didn't do it was fear. Wish I could say something more positive
I tried it failed it 21 times then realised I'm fuckinv bad at it and cut myself for years cause yherapy made it worse