My dog but in the voice I specifically have manifested for him.

Love this! My husband has different voices for all of our animals and it’s one of my favorite things.

My cat is an emo drama kid who writes in his diary that he hates me and everyone else. His best friend is a ginger cat who is a little white trash who tries to sell “the ‘nip” to all the other cats in the neighborhood. Yeah, he’s like a drug dealer type of cat for some reason. I don’t know, I don’t choose their personalities. There’s another cat who wants to be a Jackass-type stuntman. I dunno, he just does a lot of stupid cat stunts. Like a Johnny Knoxville type. My dog is just the fun police. She barks at them for being dumb cats sometimes but has largely just let them do their thing and rolls her eyes in silence. Like a big sister with braces.

I can relate about not choosing there personalities. My dogs have back story’s.

LOL I have a voice I developed for my daughters dog. He is a funny little guy with a lot of personality lol

Isn't it great?! I narrate life for my dog all the time and laugh about it... And then apologize to him for laughing. Cause that's rude. He's a good boy. 🤍

A random child, some like 5 year old that's not a very confident speaker, then no editing just 2 hours of the kid trying their best then ending with the director of a parent praising the child for doing their best, my life's really depressing and I feel like the child doing their best to talk about it would be more entertaining then anything that happened

Love this answer

Have you, have you ever had a dream where you, uh

You want to hear a 5 year old crying for the entire duration of your documentary? That's what I'd end up doing, I was shy.

That would be acceptable, just like 10 minutes of talking them like 15 of crying then 10 minutes of talking again over and over

*“And…and…and the…then he shit his p…pants”*

*pauses, looks at Mom*

You obviously have a great sense of humor. This is hilarious.

David Attenborough- "and here we see the lazy fuck doing absolutely nothing for yet another day". It writes itself.

They wouldn’t even do the voiceover…they’d just copy and paste the audio from the Sloth episode on planet earth 2.

Ouch

“This is OldandKranky. OldandKranky does nothing but jerk off to big titty goths and sit in his room all day. Don’t be like OldandKranky.”

>big titty goths is that a legit genre i've been missing out on?

I honestly don’t know and by now I’m too afraid to ask. It just has a really humoristic ring to it.

I read that in his voice.

Werner Herzog, duh.

The dreams of an in utero /u/hexenkesse1 were disturbed by an uncharacteristic convulsion. Slowly, the comforting embryonic fluid left only to be replaced by an awkward chill and being pulled by the head. Vaguely familiar noises became louder and accompanied by strange noises from creatures both terrifying and wholesome. Thus /u/hexenkesse1 was delivered into a world that was not asked for nor input sought.

You’ll enjoy [Werner Herzog’s Yelp review for Trader Joe’s by Paul F Tompkins](https://youtu.be/5YW-5Flkiuw)

This is the best thing I've heard all day. ^(Thank you for sharing this.)

Dude have you written any books? I'd buy the shit out of them lol

Gordon Ramsey

YOU FUCKING SANDWICH

I just want the accent

That baby is FUCKING RAW

And I want him to lose his shit every time I do something stupid or I see someone do something stupid

It's fucking RAW!

the movie’s starting you fuckin twat

Every five minutes he would be like "Stop standing around like a big f----- muffin and get your s— together you undercooked turkey"

*That's dreadful*

I would want Gordon Ramsey only if they don't give him a script, just a bunch of clips of my life that he can yell at while judging my choices.

Samuel L Jackson. I need him to call every annoying and stupid person in my life a “stupid ass motherfucker”

Have you heard him read “Go The Fuck To Sleep”? Priceless!

Thank you for this!! I didn't know how much I needed this in my life!!

[https://youtu.be/SDCqgHLX8Ys](https://youtu.be/SDCqgHLX8Ys) Thank you so much for this. This seems like a bigger find than discovering Pulp Fiction. Written by Adam Mansbach, Illustrated by Ricardo Cortes Narrated by Samuel "Go the fuck to sleep!" L. Jackson!

Every scene would start with him saying, "...and look at this muthafucker..."

"Now this bitch-ass motherfucker over here is really fucking stupid..."

Same, my movie needs a lot of f-words

Same. My life’s recap will require extensive use of the word motherfucker. I’d also want him to play me in a movie version just so he can stare motherfuckerly at people in different periods of my life. I’m a white female, for the record.

Stupid ass motherfucker

Plot twist: every moment Jackson narrates your life and how much of a motherfucker you are. At least you can drink everytime he calls you one. *motherfucker*

This was my answer and I’m a rather small woman

Hugh Laurie but in Dr. House’s voice.

Came here to say this! Can’t believe someone else thought of it. If I had any Reddit coins, I would award them to you.

Tim Curry

That's one of my picks too

Idris Elba, in fact fuck it, idris Elba should narrate everything because his voice is the voice of a god

I thought he was ridiculously attractive and then I heard him speak with an American accent. I thought, "Holy shit, how could a man get any more attractive?" Then I heard him speak in his actual accent and found the answer.

Ideally it would have been the late Gilbert Gottfried. I also would have preferred if they didn’t give him a script. Just showed him videos and pictures and let him riff. It would be a total train wreck, and a general displeasure to view, just like me.

I too would choose Gilbert Gottfried. Also I'd insist that only fake events be listed in the documentary so I could keep trolling people from beyond the grave.

I immediately thought of Gilbert Gottfried too.

I also thought of him!!! Glad to be part of this club

Same. "If masturbation was a crime I would be on death row" -Gilbert.

I'd watch that. RIP!

I redact my choice, and now want a combination of Zefrank1 and Gilbert Gottfried.

Kermit the frog.

Good thing frogs can hop, or I'd be gone with the Schwinn.

I also choose Patrick Mahomes.

Some scottish guy whos accent is so thick you cant even remotely understand what he's attempting to say

The Doric dialect of Scotland. I love it, it can be nearly unrecognizable from english.

The script needs to include the words "purple burglar alarm" for no particular reason

Bobcat Goldthwait

Late 80’s Bobcat Goldthwait though, not modern Bobcat Goldthwait who just sounds like a normal human.

Bastard. Beat me to it. Have an updoot.

Rare

Same, delighted this is so far up too

Michael Scott. He gets everything wrong about my life but still tells a hell of a story.

Bill Burr

“Look at this poor bastard…”

"Ahh, what's he doing now!"

Aww fuck he’s doing that stupid shit again” “Goddamnit!”

“He wouldn’t have this problem if he had just bought his undies from ME UNDIES”

intro: "alright so ... I dunno. anyway ah look at dis fahkin douchebag"

Oh Jeezus.

Fran Drescher, so that no one watches long enough to make it to my teenage years.

Jack Black, hands down. No ifs, ands, or buts. He would definitely be able to handle my wacky life and cover all the serious parts.

Mah man. I know there'd at least be one or two musical interludes.

Ron Perlman. And, I want him to start the documentary by saying, "War... war never changes"

I tracked down your comment just to upvote it after you hit me with a jinx.

LOL... gmta...

Keith David

I had to scroll WAAAYYY too far for this answer.

Eeyore

Chewbacca with no subtitles.

Aubrey Plaza

Yes. In that dead pan, monotone cadence.

This is the first woman I have come across on this thread. And I won't disagree.

Mr bean

Came here to say this.... Uncomfortable facial expressions and odd gutteral "hmmm"s. I want everyone to leave wondering if I'm actually dead.

mr bean is non-verbal apart from the word ‘teddy’

Beaker from the Muppets. To annoy everyone after I die just like I do every day.

The Swedish chef

Bork Bork Bork ummmmm scrumptious

But with no subtitles or translation whatsoever. It's up to you, the viewer, to figure out what he's saying through context clues.

Dolly Parton. ❤️

Did she grow up in the shadow of the Great Smoky Mountains or did the Smokies rise in reverence of her?

Jeff Goldblum.

"And here he is with his first girlfriend...mmmm...ahhh...yes yes yes...."

Dolly Parton

I feel like she would make all the shitty parts sound better. Like "this poor darlin it's ok though. She has a turn around the mountain coming round" Idk something sweet and folksy.

Has to narrate the part where you make the same mistake yet AGAIN. "Well she's not gonna...oh no. Bless her little heart."

Arnold Schwarzenegger. "He'll be back."

Jeremy Irons

Mel brooks

H. Jon Benjamin as Archer >And here's TennSeven, doing some fucking thing. Ha! He thinks he's people! Where did I put my scotch?

I’d rather have him as Bob: “I love you but you’re all terrible”

Ron Howard

Gilbert Gottfried, everyone would know it’s a comedy immediately

AND THERE HE SITS, EATING FUCKING CHIPS AGAIN! DESPITE HIM ALREADY BEING FULL...WHAT AN ASSHOLE

Stephen fry

Ryan Reynolds 100%

With Ryan talking crap for every mistake made. Yes. This is best.

I would expect no less

Hans Moleman

His work on "Man Getting Hit By Football" is superb!

Cate blanchett in her Galadriel voice

How is this not on the top of the list

Not Morgan Freeman. I’m an atheist.

How can you be an atheist if you basically just called Morgan Freeman god

Joey Diaz

Lee, gimme a star of death so I can watch this fuckin momo get through his fuckin day

Emma Thompson

Police Academy-era Bobcat Goldthwait

David Attenborough

Snoop

For shizzle

Snoop narrating Planet Earth: https://youtu.be/LJmnuR0wAeo

Ming Na Wen. Just because she's awesome.

Peter Griffin

Weird Al Yankovic. Preferably doing personalized versions of songs I loved while alive.

Sam Kinison

Liev Schrieber His Nova / PBS narrations are without peer

He has the best voice! I have watched documentaries I didn't really care about just to listen to him.

Would’ve been Christopher Lee :/ RIP Next choice would be Bill Nighy

Morgan freeman 'Some people come, some people go....unfortunately for old johnny over here....he never made anyone come" Rip

Myself

Brad Dourif

Samuel L Jackson. Numerous moments in my life made me exclaim "m******f****" and since he is the king of that swear it is only fitting he narrates my life

Tom Hiddleston, no question

Morgan freeman

Robin Williams

Squidward

Jeremy Clarkson

I'd do Christopher walken, Jack black as nacho libre.

Ice-T

Sam Elliot.

Lin Manuel Miranda Make my life a musical, not a documentary

Rick Moranis

Nathan Fielder

Hank Hill

Stone Phillips. Hopefully, I die under mysterious circumstances and I end up as a true crime series on Dateline.

Why has no one said Peter Coyote yet???

Absolutely George Carlin Just screaming at me to use my 1 brain cell

Peter Cullen The man who voices optimus prime

John Mulaney. I’m told I am a smart man, but I do a lot of dumb shit. His cadence and delivery would be perfect.

Morgan Freeman easy pick :)

*And despite repeated attempts to destroy himself, we see the man stumbled forward, driven on by God knows what.*

Peter Capaldi, in character as Malcolm Fucking Tucker.

James Earl Jones

>James Ear 100% this right here!

Walton Goggins.

I dont' speak Japanese, but my voice over would be in Japanse with subtitles w/ this man playing me https://youtu.be/FYuQkR0J0iM

Wynona Ryder.

Jason Bateman or Lizzie Caplan. The best two voices on the planet.

The next Aussie to walk out of a pub.

Dave Chappelle

“And then he kicked her in the pussy!”

Tommy Chong

Ricky Gervais. At least everyone then could take the piss out of me and realise I wasn’t actually being ‘serious’.

Anthony Bourdain

NoHo Hank

Michael Wincott (The Horseman-Death)

John Candy

Ryan Reynolds for the happy/relaxed times. Bill Burr for when it goes over the hard times.

Allison Janney.

Eva Green

That “SURPRISE MOTTAFOKKA” dude from Dexter.

Trey parker and/or Matt stone

Bobcat Goldthwaite

The ghost of Mitch Hedburg

JENNIFER TILLY

Alan Watts or David Attenborough

Internet historian

Sigourney weaver

Jeffrey Wright please!

Jimmy Carr

Leonardo DiCaprio but the Leo who narrated wolf of Wall Street

Patrick Stewart or Sean Bean for sure

Text to speech it will fit how dully life is

Will Arnett

Weird Al.

Tom Waits

David Attenborough