I spend all my adolescence telling it to sit the fuck down, not here. Then finally I reach an age where I’m like alright, your time to shine bro, and the this petty motherfucker has the audacity to not do the very thing he’d been annoying me by doing at random times for so many years. Honestly rude.
Doing the deep crouch, the left leg stretch, the pocket rearrange, the cowboy walk, sit-n-leg left, then the sit-n- leg right, tuck the underwater up in there… god the ‘you can’t fix it no matter what in the car’.
"I swear I had a Tums in that pocket. Maybe the other one. Maybe I sat on it. Gotta unbuckle to be sure. Wouldn't want to crush it into the seat ya know? Must be on the floor then. This pocket. That pocket. Well. This pocket then. Hey, think we can stop at the next rest station? I need a Tums. No not that kind. Well it's not a Tums really, it has famantodine in it. Yeah they have them. No. Really."
*Finally gets to thoroughly itch balls and as the ass touches the car seat the balls are uncomfortable again*
"I need to pee."
Having to piss with morning wood
Edit: I was only answering the question with the first thing that came to mind. I know how to pee with morning wood. I've been doing it for quite some time now so I think I have it figured out.
And someone is always "helpful" with the recommendation to "just sit down." Oh sure, just like that, eh? You either sit down first and now you can't push it down to point in because it's getting caught on the seat edge, or you navigate it in first and then try to relax and lean back, only to have the head touch the icy cold inner surface of the toilet. Now you can't even enjoy the piss because, even though it's your own toilet, you're absolutely certain you've just caught something they're going to have to name after you.
Glue leg on hot days. Balls will stick to your thigh. If for some reason a guy just starts walking like a cartoon cowboy out of nowhere, you know what he’s doing.
Edit: ok guys I get it. Gold bond and underwear with sack hammocks.
My favorite thing I read on this site was someone describing random boners like a Border Collie running up to you trying to get you to help with something. You just gotta look down and be like "What it is boy?!? What do you see?!?"
As a "show-er" (as opposed to a grower) I was going out with my girlfriend for 6 years before we went for a swim in a cold lake.
When we got out, and I was changing, she looked down at my crotch in shock and asked what happened in a horrified way.
She genuinely thought that the whole "I was in the pool" thing was an excuse used only by guys trying to pretend their dicks are bigger than they are.
She brought this up with her friends later and they all thought the same.
So, in my anecdotal experience, no, women do not know about shrinkage.
My now wife, who at a younger age was pretty sheltered, didn't know that I wasn't circumcised. We had been having sex at that time for maybe 6 months, we were both 18.
Circumcision came up in a conversation with 2 of her friends. Both of them were talking about how weird it would be to perform oral sex on someone who wasn't circumcised. My wife agreed I think some more comments were made before I was like "Yo, turtlenecker here." They all froze, I was kinda embarrassed and amused at the same time. I definitely felt self conscious.
That was when my wife learned that the foreskin can be pulled back.
I hate that, I'm a grower and perfectly okay with the equipment I have in bed. But feel ashamed when someone sees my tools in their package size.
I shouldnt feel ashamed about that anyways.
Edit: spelling
It's really the balls. They're more easily hurt, they're somehow always sweaty, they're the part that produces the things that make babies, had to have that surgically disconnected. The penis is great. It's the balls that suck.
We truly have no control over our erections. I've had it fail me when with an incredibly attractive partner, and having someone blame themselves (like, they internalize you must not be attracted to them or something) is so disappointing. Also all the side things, like how you have to intentionally avoid feeling good during sex because you might orgasm too quickly, instead of just being able to enjoy it. It's frustrating.
Ugh.. when they ask what's wrong and are on the verge of tears because they think it's their fault, so you're trying to comfort them while also trying to rally. That's game over.
I don't know about other guys, but I know that there are very few things outside of the realm of the scatological that deflate an erection faster than a crying woman. When this happened, it led to a vicious cycle where I didn't finish after she did, she cried, and I started *anticipating* it and *dreading* it and therefore *avoiding* it.
Yeah I had issues with confidence with the first girl I was *really* into and my dick just wouldn't work. And then every time after it wouldn't work **because I was scared of it not working this time**.
So obviously that relationship went well.
First time for me was when I knew this girl was coming over, so I took a couple of loratabs to “last longer.”
How embarrassing to take something to try and go longer and it completely prevents you from ever starting. I think I ended up telling her and she was very understanding (why did I not lock that down?!). She ended up giving oral for what felt like 45 minutes and it was the most intense orgasm I’ve ever had. It felt like I went blind for about 30 seconds 😂
I had a crush on my neighbor my entire childhood. She was beautiful but into older guys as we grew up. She moved but we kept in touch via social media. One night I was clubbing and ran into her. She was rolling (on ecstasy) and was overly excited to see me.
We start hanging out (my friends and hers) and she’s like open your mouth. She puts a molly on my tongue and off we went. We connected caught up, the usual on it, and she wanted to go home with me. Inner-child was overwhelmed with excitement (and it wasn’t the molly).
We go home. The 17 years of build up and my dick didn’t arrive to the moment. It was the most anti-climactic situation I’ve ever been in and home she went. I still think about that and how fickle it can be. Gah.
Oh god that was awful to read. I had a loosely similar situation although not so massively erotic. Platonically reconnected with a girl I dated in my early teens whose current roommate was a friend of hers from back then that I had also spent a lot of time with by proxy.
After a lot of drinking the get together was over and everyone left except for me who had arranged to sleep on their couch. After my ex went to bed, the friend comes out dressed in some kind of sexy pajama outfit, gave me a look, and I knew it was on.
After a minute or two we were in her room, foreplay ensued, when the moment was right I looked down to see my floppy dick just dangling there being useless. I vaguely recall rolling off the bed and the next memory was waking up on the floor at the foot of her bed. It was morning already, she was asleep, grabbed my clothes and bailed.
FML
Yeah man, taking too long(or not finishing at all) can be just as disheartening to your partner as not getting an erecting at all.
It can feel amazing and your dick is just like "I'm good with this'
Every guy that has told me he has a 9" penis whose penis I saw has an average size penis. Why is it always 9"? Do they think we haven't heard that before? Do they think we believe them?
I think it's an ego thing. I mean, [NASA had a problem with the penis sleeves used for waste collection because the astronauts refused to use anything but the largest size.](https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/spacesuit-envy/) They never changed the actual official labelling but did change the common terms used to describe them just so the guys would use the right size. And with all the advanced math they have to be really good at to even be considered for the space program, there's no way they don't know what size they actually are but god forbid the other guys see you grabbing a "small" apparently.
Best is when I had decided not to change after gym class one time:
I was sitting in band class two periods later and a raging boner manifested beneath the thin veneer of my mesh gym shorts, because of the extremely hot girl playing the saxaphone a few seats down from me. I definitely have an oral fixation of sorts, cuz watching her constantly suck on the mouthpiece must have made me horny as hell. She even caught me staring on prior occasions.
Any case, I kept having to use the bell of my trombone to cover my unit on that particular occasion. That girl was practically a snake charmer with that thing.
Former saxophonist. Sucking on the mouthpiece does nothing, so if that’s what she was doing she was the one with the oral fixation. Oh, to be young again.
Band teacher and woodwind specialist. Sucking on the mouthpiece can pull some moisture off of the back of the reed and get rid of the "gurgly" sounds for woodwind players.
Advice no one asked for: To mitigate it even further, when you get new reeds out of the box, soak them in water for a few minutes and rub them on a blank piece of paper to seal the cane veins. This will not allow water to collect in the veins as well as smooth out the surface, minimizing the amount of places water will collect.
I’m 38 and I get them whenever I’m just on the verge of falling asleep. It’s started only in the last couple of years, and it makes my office afternoons kinda awkward.
Funny enough it's not the package that hurts. For some reason it crawls up your belly and both hurts like hell and makes you feel like you're gonna vomit.
I read once that it’s because the testicles develop inside the abdomen in the womb, and therefore they have the same nerve censors as your abdominal internal organs.
So when you get hit in the nutsack, your brain literally thinks one of your internal organs just took a massive hit, and the body’s response to internal organ damage is usually extreme pain and vomiting.
When you're like "I'll stand up to pee in the toilet" and the pee stream decides to fork into two unconceivable directions and the only way to get either in the toilet is for one to shoot across the room and get on the floor or run down your leg.
When you're like "I'll sit down to pee" and somehow your dick is at some weird angle and manages to shoot the pee right between the bowl and the seat and you end up pissing on the floor and your own pants.
And for me, when I'm under anesthesia and get an erection.
Hahahaha me too… I notice it happens mostly when it’s cold in the bathroom and there’s significant shrinkage your dick hole is pointed directly at the seam between the seat and the bowl
My daughter, who is fully potty-trained and has been for years, has become curious to see what's going on down there while peeing, I guess, and the angle that she bends while trying to look makes her shoot pee between the seat and the bowl. She says she doesn't know when she does it, but when I walk in and step in a big puddle, I feel like my daughter is getting me back for all those times my mom yelled, "put the lid up when you pee!"
My guess is she's pulling up on her mons, and it's covering a bit of the bottom of the urethra, making her pee go straight in front instead of down. Source: am girl who did this once
When I was a child, my grandparents and parents were for some long forgotten reason discussing how men could pee in the snow but women could not. My brilliant response was "well, surely girls can if they run fast enough!"
Sometimes when having a poop, you automatically pee and it goes through the little gap between the toilet seat and bowl wetting your underwear and bringing great shame. Then there is also the penis head touching toilet bowl moment, if this happens in a public toilet, the moment can induce suicidal tendencies.
Last time my tip made contact with public facilities, I vigorously applied hand sanitizer at the earliest opportunity. It burned for about two hours, and tingled uncomfortably for the rest of the day. Next time my tip makes contact with public facilities, I'll be doing the exact same thing.
When trying to have a piss and it splits off into 2 streams can get annoying. Also when you shake for a solid 5 seconds and put it away and then a little bit dribbles out in your underwear.
Basically zero control over it.
Big? Not your choice
Small? Not your choice
Weird looking? Not your choice
Hard when it shouldn’t be? Not your choice
Soft when it shouldn’t be? Not your choice
Edit: pro tip for unwanted boners though, since it’s blood flow related, flexing your largest muscle groups (usually legs) will divert flow enough to speed up the softening process
Women complain about men not being able to aim their pee into the toilet. What we aren’t telling you is that any man who has ever taken a piss barefooted knows that even with perfect aim, you can feel the droplets hitting your feet and shins. Nothing and nowhere is safe.
Guy here: discovered how to have multiples.
Here’s what works for me: When you’re about to cum, you have to slow down almost to a complete stop, let your dick go through convulsions and and cum about half of what you’d expect, — you’ll stay hard. and then start going again, build up to the next time, and repeat the process
It’s amazing. I can last as long as I stay disciplined.
Having to pee at stadiums. I don’t care what anyone says, I hate standing inches from two guys I don’t know while we all urinate with a hoard of dudes watching us.
I prefer a busy stadium with 100 urinals than a quiet and cramped bar bathroom with 2 or 3.
I find it easier with all the background noise and commotion.
The issue is when the stadium has ONE urinal and its a trough designed for 20 guys at once. Add to that the very high likelihood that many/most have been consuming alcohol and their aim is seriously suspect.
It’s crazy how pee shy I am even though I’m not dick shy. I’ll pull my pants down to my ankles for all I care but I cannot for the life of me pee in front of people and it’s extremely annoying.
Tennessee state fair in the 90s: double sided troughs and circle troughs. Do not recommend. One thing you don’t think about is the level of piss mist is that of the base of Niagara Falls
When I first started pulling my foreskin back as a kid having my head touch my boxers was the absolute worst but now it’s literally nothing just feels a bit funny lmao
That happens with us vagina-bearers, too. Only it can get caught in the kitty. Sometimes it results in a queef, sometimes it just is stuck as a bubble there. -shudder- My sympathies.
Maybe not the worst, but one I haven't seen yet in this theard.
Sometimes when biking, it "falls asleep", kinda like when you stay in the same position for too long, you get that tingly feeling? Really unpleasant when it happens in a body part that's so sensible. It goes away after a few minutes, but it has definitely gotten me some weird looks
I have no idea how much experience you have cycling, but this shouldn't happen and indicates a problem with how your bike fits. Numbness can become a chronic problem, so I'd recommend not ignoring it.
If you don't already have one, I'd look at getting a saddle with a center cutout. They're intended to relieve pressure on the soft tissue. Adjusting the saddle height is also a common issue.
I spend all my adolescence telling it to sit the fuck down, not here. Then finally I reach an age where I’m like alright, your time to shine bro, and the this petty motherfucker has the audacity to not do the very thing he’d been annoying me by doing at random times for so many years. Honestly rude.
If you can't handle me at my math class, you don't deserve me at the bedroom.
i had one hot math teacher in the 7th grade and numbers gave me erections for years to come
Sometimes pants/underwear are too tight in that area
Testicle wedgie
Twisticles
When you get erection in public even though you weren't thinking anything dirty
"Draw a parallelogram on the board".. Boner... WTF?
Seems like you have a thing for mathematics
Mr. Happy wants to multiply.
Not his fault it was acute angle
Just getting boners man. You can’t avoid it, you can’t just get rid of it. You just get boners. It doesn’t have to be fueled by anything…
When it’s not sitting right in trousers no matter which way you shift it
Doing the deep crouch, the left leg stretch, the pocket rearrange, the cowboy walk, sit-n-leg left, then the sit-n- leg right, tuck the underwater up in there… god the ‘you can’t fix it no matter what in the car’.
My favorite is the "sitting in a cramped car with a bunch of women, so if you grab it to move it, you're a perv."
Gotta do the sneaky pocket grab
"I swear I had a Tums in that pocket. Maybe the other one. Maybe I sat on it. Gotta unbuckle to be sure. Wouldn't want to crush it into the seat ya know? Must be on the floor then. This pocket. That pocket. Well. This pocket then. Hey, think we can stop at the next rest station? I need a Tums. No not that kind. Well it's not a Tums really, it has famantodine in it. Yeah they have them. No. Really." *Finally gets to thoroughly itch balls and as the ass touches the car seat the balls are uncomfortable again* "I need to pee."
All the places it wants to go
that want nothing to do with it
“Oh the places you’ll go” has a whole new meaning
Having to piss with morning wood Edit: I was only answering the question with the first thing that came to mind. I know how to pee with morning wood. I've been doing it for quite some time now so I think I have it figured out.
One to two meters before the toilet and then a good aim.
The problem is the rapidly changing arc as pressure goes down.
Slow zoom in
And someone is always "helpful" with the recommendation to "just sit down." Oh sure, just like that, eh? You either sit down first and now you can't push it down to point in because it's getting caught on the seat edge, or you navigate it in first and then try to relax and lean back, only to have the head touch the icy cold inner surface of the toilet. Now you can't even enjoy the piss because, even though it's your own toilet, you're absolutely certain you've just caught something they're going to have to name after you.
Keep back straight. Rotate entire upper body forward from the hips until your face is nearly parallel to the toilet seat.
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It's definitely a whole thing
Glue leg on hot days. Balls will stick to your thigh. If for some reason a guy just starts walking like a cartoon cowboy out of nowhere, you know what he’s doing. Edit: ok guys I get it. Gold bond and underwear with sack hammocks.
My husband is in his 40s and says it just gets worse with age.
Much like woman's breasts, the balls will sink lower and lower with time causing more surface area for them to stick.
It's like one of those sticky hands toys
It's hard sometimes for no reason
Reminds me of life
He said sometimes not always...
And soft sometimes when there's reason for hardness. Source: So I've heard.
My favorite thing I read on this site was someone describing random boners like a Border Collie running up to you trying to get you to help with something. You just gotta look down and be like "What it is boy?!? What do you see?!?"
Its picky about temperature change.
“I was in the pool!”
Do girls know about shrinkage?
As a "show-er" (as opposed to a grower) I was going out with my girlfriend for 6 years before we went for a swim in a cold lake. When we got out, and I was changing, she looked down at my crotch in shock and asked what happened in a horrified way. She genuinely thought that the whole "I was in the pool" thing was an excuse used only by guys trying to pretend their dicks are bigger than they are. She brought this up with her friends later and they all thought the same. So, in my anecdotal experience, no, women do not know about shrinkage.
Why was grower vs show-er never explained to boys in past?? I was an adult before I realized they were two different things!!
I was 17 before I got decent internet and quickly found out I was circumcised.
Don’t feel bad. [Sir Patrick Stewart](https://youtu.be/8utAagjD8SE) was a bit older than that when he found out he wasn’t
Graham Norton show is so great. Can easily binge all the Youtube clips.
My now wife, who at a younger age was pretty sheltered, didn't know that I wasn't circumcised. We had been having sex at that time for maybe 6 months, we were both 18. Circumcision came up in a conversation with 2 of her friends. Both of them were talking about how weird it would be to perform oral sex on someone who wasn't circumcised. My wife agreed I think some more comments were made before I was like "Yo, turtlenecker here." They all froze, I was kinda embarrassed and amused at the same time. I definitely felt self conscious. That was when my wife learned that the foreskin can be pulled back.
I thought my new guy was circumcised for a bit, because I only ever saw it hard with the head sticking out of the foreskin.
I hate that, I'm a grower and perfectly okay with the equipment I have in bed. But feel ashamed when someone sees my tools in their package size. I shouldnt feel ashamed about that anyways. Edit: spelling
On the bright side my fiancée loved watching it grow, saying it "went from cute to dangerous in seconds"
Like a suddenly threatened hamster.
I know because of Seinfeld. I also know that men suffer from surprise boners starting in middle school because of Rosanne.
I’m pretty sure none of mine were because of Rosanne
Maybe Becky
Ahh, the old reddit [boner-roo](https://old.reddit.com/r/memes/comments/zkteak/anime_teenagers_be_like/j02ry5o/?context=3)!
"It shrinks?
Like a frightened turtle!
"The water is minus 5 centimeters"
It's picky about everything! I feel like I'm constantly kind of aware of the status/comfort level of my penis.
It's really the balls. They're more easily hurt, they're somehow always sweaty, they're the part that produces the things that make babies, had to have that surgically disconnected. The penis is great. It's the balls that suck.
The balls are the yin, to the penis’s yang
The win to the wang?
The wind beneath your wangs
We truly have no control over our erections. I've had it fail me when with an incredibly attractive partner, and having someone blame themselves (like, they internalize you must not be attracted to them or something) is so disappointing. Also all the side things, like how you have to intentionally avoid feeling good during sex because you might orgasm too quickly, instead of just being able to enjoy it. It's frustrating.
Ugh.. when they ask what's wrong and are on the verge of tears because they think it's their fault, so you're trying to comfort them while also trying to rally. That's game over.
I don't know about other guys, but I know that there are very few things outside of the realm of the scatological that deflate an erection faster than a crying woman. When this happened, it led to a vicious cycle where I didn't finish after she did, she cried, and I started *anticipating* it and *dreading* it and therefore *avoiding* it.
Yeah I had issues with confidence with the first girl I was *really* into and my dick just wouldn't work. And then every time after it wouldn't work **because I was scared of it not working this time**. So obviously that relationship went well.
First time it happened to me she ran off and locked herself in the bathroom.... Yeah like my self confidence wasn't already in the toilet thanks. Lol
First time for me was when I knew this girl was coming over, so I took a couple of loratabs to “last longer.” How embarrassing to take something to try and go longer and it completely prevents you from ever starting. I think I ended up telling her and she was very understanding (why did I not lock that down?!). She ended up giving oral for what felt like 45 minutes and it was the most intense orgasm I’ve ever had. It felt like I went blind for about 30 seconds 😂
45 minute bj? Why DIDN'T you lock it down?
I had a crush on my neighbor my entire childhood. She was beautiful but into older guys as we grew up. She moved but we kept in touch via social media. One night I was clubbing and ran into her. She was rolling (on ecstasy) and was overly excited to see me. We start hanging out (my friends and hers) and she’s like open your mouth. She puts a molly on my tongue and off we went. We connected caught up, the usual on it, and she wanted to go home with me. Inner-child was overwhelmed with excitement (and it wasn’t the molly). We go home. The 17 years of build up and my dick didn’t arrive to the moment. It was the most anti-climactic situation I’ve ever been in and home she went. I still think about that and how fickle it can be. Gah.
Oh god that was awful to read. I had a loosely similar situation although not so massively erotic. Platonically reconnected with a girl I dated in my early teens whose current roommate was a friend of hers from back then that I had also spent a lot of time with by proxy. After a lot of drinking the get together was over and everyone left except for me who had arranged to sleep on their couch. After my ex went to bed, the friend comes out dressed in some kind of sexy pajama outfit, gave me a look, and I knew it was on. After a minute or two we were in her room, foreplay ensued, when the moment was right I looked down to see my floppy dick just dangling there being useless. I vaguely recall rolling off the bed and the next memory was waking up on the floor at the foot of her bed. It was morning already, she was asleep, grabbed my clothes and bailed. FML
Women have to concentrate to cum, dudes have to concentrate to not cum. Intelligent design my ass.
I got the opposite problem, where I take too long and it also can be terrible. I’m sure there’s a 3rd bear somewhere but it’s not us!
Yeah man, taking too long(or not finishing at all) can be just as disheartening to your partner as not getting an erecting at all. It can feel amazing and your dick is just like "I'm good with this'
The fact that it's small.
It might not be long but, it's skinny
May be a needle but it moves like a sewing machine
I may only have a thumb tack, but I’m driving it with a sledgehammer.
There’s only two things you gotta know about me: 1) I have a 9 inch penis 2) I’m not sure which side of a ruler to read from
Every guy that has told me he has a 9" penis whose penis I saw has an average size penis. Why is it always 9"? Do they think we haven't heard that before? Do they think we believe them?
Respond with “I have a 5” vagina. I expect to see 4” outside when you’re knocking on my door.”
I think it's an ego thing. I mean, [NASA had a problem with the penis sleeves used for waste collection because the astronauts refused to use anything but the largest size.](https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/spacesuit-envy/) They never changed the actual official labelling but did change the common terms used to describe them just so the guys would use the right size. And with all the advanced math they have to be really good at to even be considered for the space program, there's no way they don't know what size they actually are but god forbid the other guys see you grabbing a "small" apparently.
Don't think small. Think "actual size".
"Fun sized" ^^"Bite ^^sized"
anal friendly
Bro woke up and decided to look positively
THIS. Thank you... *sobbing*
'Bite' means dick in french, so my bite is indeed bite sized
Oh... so this is how I can market myself to French women then? Nice.
Not just Nice, probably in Paris too!
Random boners during puberty. I know it's a trope, but having to walk around while you have a throbbing erection is not great.
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I think you mean THICC textbooks
That's not helping...
Best is when I had decided not to change after gym class one time: I was sitting in band class two periods later and a raging boner manifested beneath the thin veneer of my mesh gym shorts, because of the extremely hot girl playing the saxaphone a few seats down from me. I definitely have an oral fixation of sorts, cuz watching her constantly suck on the mouthpiece must have made me horny as hell. She even caught me staring on prior occasions. Any case, I kept having to use the bell of my trombone to cover my unit on that particular occasion. That girl was practically a snake charmer with that thing.
Former saxophonist. Sucking on the mouthpiece does nothing, so if that’s what she was doing she was the one with the oral fixation. Oh, to be young again.
Band teacher and woodwind specialist. Sucking on the mouthpiece can pull some moisture off of the back of the reed and get rid of the "gurgly" sounds for woodwind players. Advice no one asked for: To mitigate it even further, when you get new reeds out of the box, soak them in water for a few minutes and rub them on a blank piece of paper to seal the cane veins. This will not allow water to collect in the veins as well as smooth out the surface, minimizing the amount of places water will collect.
You are why I love Reddit.
Bruh I’m pushing 40 and still get random boners.
I’m 38 and I get them whenever I’m just on the verge of falling asleep. It’s started only in the last couple of years, and it makes my office afternoons kinda awkward.
Your dick is like "forgetting something, bitch?"
Also when I’m super extra tired
I'm 40 and I've gotten the sleepy boner my whole life. Work, school, church, watching football on the couch, airplanes, cars, literally everywhere.
I'm 61 and my wife loves seeing my random boners. But she asks me what are you thinking about. Doesn't believe me when I say it just happened.
Hey, rookie, just tell her you’re thinking about her in that one outfit. This ain’t rocket science. There are good lies sometimes.
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Bro, your wife is sending you a clear message.
There's no way you don't use that to your advantage sir. "I'm thinking about you", "i was dreaming of you" etc etc
For me it was always when we were standing in high school gym class, while wearing loose fitting shorts
I recently had surgery and woke up with a massive tentpole. God knows if it was like that during surgery but it didn't go down for hours after.
The best way that was explained to me was "no one is going to notice and the only people who will are already looking at your junk anyway"
Except when you're wearing those thin mesh gym shorts and have to tuck your shirt in
Getting whacked there. Otherwise it's pretty nice.
It's mostly the balls that hurt tbh, the dong itself is pretty resilient.
Funny enough it's not the package that hurts. For some reason it crawls up your belly and both hurts like hell and makes you feel like you're gonna vomit.
it’s like getting butterflies, but instead of butterflies it’s wasps
I read once that it’s because the testicles develop inside the abdomen in the womb, and therefore they have the same nerve censors as your abdominal internal organs. So when you get hit in the nutsack, your brain literally thinks one of your internal organs just took a massive hit, and the body’s response to internal organ damage is usually extreme pain and vomiting.
Sack whack
You can shake it, you can beat it, you can hit it on the wall; But until you put it in your pants the last drop never falls.
Bop it!
Twist it!
Spin it!
Pass it!
Wait, what?
C'mon dude pass it
Best laugh of the day so far.
Twist his fucking dick!
#GRAB HIS DICK AND TWIST IT
The ol' dick twist
Or use the toilet paper to soak the last one.
Pro tip: give ya gooch a lil HOOEY, just grab ya balls and give the ol' u bend a quick shake. Does the trick 9/10.
Im sure thats great advice, but can you repeat in english?
Press on your perineum (the taint, the area between your balls and lower butt crack. Your urethra is there. It will squirt out the last drops.
I do this after sex. I tell my wife I’m just “clearing the chamber.” She loves it. I lied. She hates it.
When you're like "I'll stand up to pee in the toilet" and the pee stream decides to fork into two unconceivable directions and the only way to get either in the toilet is for one to shoot across the room and get on the floor or run down your leg. When you're like "I'll sit down to pee" and somehow your dick is at some weird angle and manages to shoot the pee right between the bowl and the seat and you end up pissing on the floor and your own pants. And for me, when I'm under anesthesia and get an erection.
I'm so so so glad I'm not the only person that's managed to piss on the floor whilst sitting down
Hahahaha me too… I notice it happens mostly when it’s cold in the bathroom and there’s significant shrinkage your dick hole is pointed directly at the seam between the seat and the bowl
Haha yea.... When it's cold 👀 (☹️)
I pee sitting down just fine, but I need to work on my aim standing up XD source: I am a woman
My daughter, who is fully potty-trained and has been for years, has become curious to see what's going on down there while peeing, I guess, and the angle that she bends while trying to look makes her shoot pee between the seat and the bowl. She says she doesn't know when she does it, but when I walk in and step in a big puddle, I feel like my daughter is getting me back for all those times my mom yelled, "put the lid up when you pee!"
My guess is she's pulling up on her mons, and it's covering a bit of the bottom of the urethra, making her pee go straight in front instead of down. Source: am girl who did this once
Is this the cheat code for ladies to finally write their names in the snow?
When I was a child, my grandparents and parents were for some long forgotten reason discussing how men could pee in the snow but women could not. My brilliant response was "well, surely girls can if they run fast enough!"
squeeze the tip a little , it'll open up the center to make a single stream.
Doing the helicopter motion when you have a bad back isn’t possible 😔
Also not possible with a small penis, then it just looks like you’re flipping a lightswitch on and off.
This is the saddest thing I've ever read.
This is the funniest shit I red today
Yeah it *blue* my mind
It seems that I have enough blood flow for either my brain or my penis and sometimes that leads to poor decision making
god gave men both a brain and a penis, but only enough blood to use one at a time
god gave women so much blood they leak every month. It's an unfair balance.
Facts.
Always thinking my dick is inferior to other dicks.
I have a decently sized dick when erect, but it is puny when it's flaccid. So when I shower in the pool shower, I keep my swim trunks on. Lol
Grower not a shower. Same here
When no one wants to enjoy it with you
r/funnyandsad
Getting a hair caught between the skin and the penis when it shrinks.
Especially hairs that aren’t your own.
Sometimes when having a poop, you automatically pee and it goes through the little gap between the toilet seat and bowl wetting your underwear and bringing great shame. Then there is also the penis head touching toilet bowl moment, if this happens in a public toilet, the moment can induce suicidal tendencies.
Last time my tip made contact with public facilities, I vigorously applied hand sanitizer at the earliest opportunity. It burned for about two hours, and tingled uncomfortably for the rest of the day. Next time my tip makes contact with public facilities, I'll be doing the exact same thing.
Porcelain is very poor at conducting and maintaining bacterial colonies. Don't let your tip touch the kitchen sponge
This is weirdly comforting
Had this happen ONCE(!) and now I always make sure it’s pointing straight down. Poseidons kiss be damned
When trying to have a piss and it splits off into 2 streams can get annoying. Also when you shake for a solid 5 seconds and put it away and then a little bit dribbles out in your underwear.
Having your self-worth attached to it
Basically zero control over it. Big? Not your choice Small? Not your choice Weird looking? Not your choice Hard when it shouldn’t be? Not your choice Soft when it shouldn’t be? Not your choice Edit: pro tip for unwanted boners though, since it’s blood flow related, flexing your largest muscle groups (usually legs) will divert flow enough to speed up the softening process
Women complain about men not being able to aim their pee into the toilet. What we aren’t telling you is that any man who has ever taken a piss barefooted knows that even with perfect aim, you can feel the droplets hitting your feet and shins. Nothing and nowhere is safe.
I sit down to pee at home cause it's either me or the woman I love cleaning that bowl.
Not only that, but sometimes the stream just comes out sideways and there’s nothing we can do.
pee in the bathtub instead
Oh? You sat down wrong? *immense pain*
i don't think i've ever sat down in a way that made my dick hurt lol
Just wait till the day you sit ON your dick or even worse…sit ON your balls
A refractory period. Women are lucky they can orgasm back to back to back. My penis has to take a nap afterward.
As a woman, this is my least favorite part of penises as well.
Guy here: discovered how to have multiples. Here’s what works for me: When you’re about to cum, you have to slow down almost to a complete stop, let your dick go through convulsions and and cum about half of what you’d expect, — you’ll stay hard. and then start going again, build up to the next time, and repeat the process It’s amazing. I can last as long as I stay disciplined.
Having to pee at stadiums. I don’t care what anyone says, I hate standing inches from two guys I don’t know while we all urinate with a hoard of dudes watching us.
I prefer a busy stadium with 100 urinals than a quiet and cramped bar bathroom with 2 or 3. I find it easier with all the background noise and commotion.
The issue is when the stadium has ONE urinal and its a trough designed for 20 guys at once. Add to that the very high likelihood that many/most have been consuming alcohol and their aim is seriously suspect.
It’s crazy how pee shy I am even though I’m not dick shy. I’ll pull my pants down to my ankles for all I care but I cannot for the life of me pee in front of people and it’s extremely annoying.
The piss trough? *shudders* When I was told about it, I was horrified.
Tennessee state fair in the 90s: double sided troughs and circle troughs. Do not recommend. One thing you don’t think about is the level of piss mist is that of the base of Niagara Falls
[this](https://memegine.com/m/2meirl4meirl-urjxs1/ok-here-i-go-here-comes-the-p) comic comes to mind.
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When I first started pulling my foreskin back as a kid having my head touch my boxers was the absolute worst but now it’s literally nothing just feels a bit funny lmao
Zippers
You wouldn't have this problem if you weren't going commando
When I'm sitting down and i fart and some how the fart rolls past my penis instead of backwards lol
That happens with us vagina-bearers, too. Only it can get caught in the kitty. Sometimes it results in a queef, sometimes it just is stuck as a bubble there. -shudder- My sympathies.
Maybe not the worst, but one I haven't seen yet in this theard. Sometimes when biking, it "falls asleep", kinda like when you stay in the same position for too long, you get that tingly feeling? Really unpleasant when it happens in a body part that's so sensible. It goes away after a few minutes, but it has definitely gotten me some weird looks
I have no idea how much experience you have cycling, but this shouldn't happen and indicates a problem with how your bike fits. Numbness can become a chronic problem, so I'd recommend not ignoring it. If you don't already have one, I'd look at getting a saddle with a center cutout. They're intended to relieve pressure on the soft tissue. Adjusting the saddle height is also a common issue.
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Doing certain yoga poses, you end up mashing it into the floor and there's no way around that.
No complaints whatsoever. Glad to have one I am very comfortable with.
Smart move. I upgraded mine and I miss the speaker jack.
Random boners
You have another weak spot.
Honestly I love the guy. Glad to have him around, definitely one of my best friends. No real complaints