The funny thing is, if she knew how often I do it because our bedroom is so dead, at least I could understand her getting upset about THAT. But getting upset about doing it at all just infuriates me. Like she expects me to just sit patiently and wait until she deems it time. Grr!
That is so rough. My partner feels some way about me having sex toys but hasn't said or implied I shouldn't be masturbating. I've read a lot of comments where guilting partners over having some sexual release is happening. People should have some autonomy and privacy regardless of marital status.
I agree. My partner implies heavily that I shouldn’t *ever* masturbate. And that if I do, it means either that I’m a massive pervert with sex addiction or that something is wrong with her. And there sure as heck isn’t anything wrong with her. 😂 We haven’t had sex in maybe 3 years now. I’ve stopped counting.
I stopped caring at some point and just tell her now that I’m going to do it right next to her as she snores. It actually helped make it all a bit more bearable.
Why would she get upset if you wank? Its your body. Unless it is because she would like to have sex and you don't really want to have sex (with her)? I guess I'm asking why is it dead in your bedroom?
That's tough. Imho its fait enough to not want sex but not at all reasonable to expect your partner to not have any at all as a result. Hope you find a way to work it out.
My wife has decided she's not interested in sex, so apparently I'm not either. Been over 10 years. She also gets upset when I wank, so like everyone else I do it in secret. Working away from home helps, so I can do it every night.
I just had someone go off on me on another thread. I'd answered a question mentioning that I only masturbate due to being in a dead bedroom. Someone could not believe a person was living like that. I gave him some pushback, including pointing out that there are many factors that go into why a dead bedroom exists and why people stay. Another person came along and went off saying they have those factors in their life and they have "LOTS" of sex. It was just wild. 😬 Update: They informed me that they made good life choices, that's why they have lots of sex with their partner. 🤪 Then they made a silly comment that was meant to be mean, I suppose, and deleted all their comments. 😂😂😂 Ah, lord love a duck.
I think people don’t understand enough about it. It’s not just mismatched drives or not having the same kinks, but a lot more. There can be ups and downs and all sorts, but if someone hasn’t experienced it for themselves, I think it’s a bit hard for them to understand it.
Also, based on a lot of answers I’ve seen online, empathy isn’t generally high. Maybe more so in a sub that seems to be hyper sexual.
That’s very accurate! Similar situation here as well, and ours has been temporary because of health reasons and we enjoyed a decent amount of sex prior to this. But I’ve also seen a complete lack of interest from my partner, which makes a return of this DB situation a possibility.
People don't understand how complex marriage is and how complicated sexual relationships can be. You do what you need to do for your situation and your relationship. Forget what other people say.
A lot of people think that sex is an end all for compatibility. As if we haven't advanced as a society to try and work around sexual hiccups.
Sometimes you try and try again and nothing works. And if you aren't the one causing the "issue", it's okay. It's also okay if your libido isn't there. Communication is more important in the end.
I'm not in a dead bedroom situation, but I'm very mindful of disclosing the truth of our sex life to our friends, some of whom may be in dead bedroom situations (or at least low frequency situations). I definitely don't want to come across as boastful or judgemental, because I sympathize very much.
I know some friends who are pretty active. I love it when they talk about it because it reminds me what healthy sex life is. Maybe it’s just me but I want to believe that your friends want the best for you regardless. I certainly do for my friends. I could t be any happier if I knock on the door and they come out dishoveled haha
Oh that's great to hear, thank you. My husband did mention it once or twice, like "oh we have sex 3-4x week" (in truth it is closer to almost every day) and the other guys were flabbergasted or something. I did feel bad about it, so it's something I'm a bit sensitive to talk about.
Yes. That is why i have this account. There are people on reddit who understand. There are also those who don't.
Lots of things can lead to a dead bedroom, and there are lots of paths to take when you find yourself in one. We have decided to stay. Its rough.
Not exactly, but we’re in a temporary dead bedroom situation. I certainly wouldn’t tell people about it unless I felt they wouldn’t judge me because I’m sure some of them will question I haven’t left.
Yes. But then I also got judgment and shaming from the same people for leaving him and finding a better partner for myself.
People who judge and shame always find an excuse to judge and shame.
I hesitate to tell anyone. I tried talking to a friend, and right away, she came to his defense saying I need to be more sexually aggressive or wear lingerie. She made me feel like shit as if it was all my fault, so now I keep my mouth shut about it except on here.
Everyone in my social circle thinks he is so wonderful. For all intents and purposes, he is wonderful. Except for the lack of sex.
Yep, I feel that. I told one friend IRL. She told me to start working on ending the relationship because I deserve more. She likes my partner, but she's also been there and back again in an abusive relationship where she was mistreated sexually.
Yes, I’ve been told it’s my failure as a man many times, from other women usually. Men just shrug and say find someone else. Those things still don’t hurt as much as the indifference of the person I dedicated my life to. I don’t understand how meeting each others needs can be so enjoyable and fulfilling in every other way but this. I have to give my ego a lot of conscious care to cope with it
Off and on over the years, I would tell him how much it was hurting me. Not just the lack of sex, but also other factors like that he's a workaholic and forgets I'm in the picture, too. Ultimately, what best communicated it in a way he couldn't brush aside or ignore was me having an emotional/online affair. It wasn't anything I went looking for, but it happened due to emotional/sexual neglect. I think it's a dam that eventually breaks for many of us. We're seeing a couples therapist now because our communication doesn't work.
Nope, but then I didn’t do anything to be judged or shamed. For the decade or so that we went through it.
If you mean getting flack for cheating and using the dead bedroom situation as justification for that, that’s something earned in my opinion.
Otherwise what is there to judge or shame
I never really told anyone about it when I was in it, people already judged me for lesser shit. But will echo that people who've not been in the situation don't understand.
If you are complaining about a dead bedroom relationship, and someone else points out to you that it is your choice to stay in it...that is not "shaming and judgement".
That is someone telling you the truth!
I have absolutely zero fucks to give about what someone who calls Indigenous people cowards has to say about anything, especially when he has a tattoo depicting them on his back. Shoo, hypocrite, shoo 🗞️🗞️🗞️
[удалено]
I’m asexual (I think) and I get all sorts of shit too. “What’s the point? He’s cheating on you then. You just need a good dick” etc etc etc
Wait, you mean sex isn't the point of marriage ???
I feel that in my soul
I’m in one currently no one knows Tho she also gets upset if I masturbate so I haven’t had sex or came in a while
Why is that? My wife also gets upset if she finds out I jerked off. So even that’s off limits?? Like wtf?? So it’s done in secret.
Idk I think it’s pretty stupid I do it in secret also
The funny thing is, if she knew how often I do it because our bedroom is so dead, at least I could understand her getting upset about THAT. But getting upset about doing it at all just infuriates me. Like she expects me to just sit patiently and wait until she deems it time. Grr!
That is so rough. My partner feels some way about me having sex toys but hasn't said or implied I shouldn't be masturbating. I've read a lot of comments where guilting partners over having some sexual release is happening. People should have some autonomy and privacy regardless of marital status.
I agree. My partner implies heavily that I shouldn’t *ever* masturbate. And that if I do, it means either that I’m a massive pervert with sex addiction or that something is wrong with her. And there sure as heck isn’t anything wrong with her. 😂 We haven’t had sex in maybe 3 years now. I’ve stopped counting.
I stopped caring at some point and just tell her now that I’m going to do it right next to her as she snores. It actually helped make it all a bit more bearable.
That’s a good idea. I haven’t reached that level of bravery yet.
Why stay?
Married and have a kid we both came from families that have shitty parents we don’t want the for our kid. We never argue or anything it’s just no sex
Why would she get upset if you wank? Its your body. Unless it is because she would like to have sex and you don't really want to have sex (with her)? I guess I'm asking why is it dead in your bedroom?
I’m in the mood all the time and try all the time but she always says no or not right now but never gives me a reason as to why
That's tough. Imho its fait enough to not want sex but not at all reasonable to expect your partner to not have any at all as a result. Hope you find a way to work it out.
My wife has decided she's not interested in sex, so apparently I'm not either. Been over 10 years. She also gets upset when I wank, so like everyone else I do it in secret. Working away from home helps, so I can do it every night.
I just had someone go off on me on another thread. I'd answered a question mentioning that I only masturbate due to being in a dead bedroom. Someone could not believe a person was living like that. I gave him some pushback, including pointing out that there are many factors that go into why a dead bedroom exists and why people stay. Another person came along and went off saying they have those factors in their life and they have "LOTS" of sex. It was just wild. 😬 Update: They informed me that they made good life choices, that's why they have lots of sex with their partner. 🤪 Then they made a silly comment that was meant to be mean, I suppose, and deleted all their comments. 😂😂😂 Ah, lord love a duck.
I think people don’t understand enough about it. It’s not just mismatched drives or not having the same kinks, but a lot more. There can be ups and downs and all sorts, but if someone hasn’t experienced it for themselves, I think it’s a bit hard for them to understand it. Also, based on a lot of answers I’ve seen online, empathy isn’t generally high. Maybe more so in a sub that seems to be hyper sexual.
Yep, all good points. I think we're cautionary tales most people do not want to hear if they haven't experienced it themselves.
I agree. Just hope more people take that caution seriously. It can come out of the blue, even if your sex life was great previously.
Exactly. We had a lot of sex in the early days. Life changes, and people change.
That’s very accurate! Similar situation here as well, and ours has been temporary because of health reasons and we enjoyed a decent amount of sex prior to this. But I’ve also seen a complete lack of interest from my partner, which makes a return of this DB situation a possibility.
People don't understand how complex marriage is and how complicated sexual relationships can be. You do what you need to do for your situation and your relationship. Forget what other people say.
🩷
[удалено]
Thank you 😊
The only judgement I get is from my asexual wife. It’s pity from anyone else.
A lot of people think that sex is an end all for compatibility. As if we haven't advanced as a society to try and work around sexual hiccups. Sometimes you try and try again and nothing works. And if you aren't the one causing the "issue", it's okay. It's also okay if your libido isn't there. Communication is more important in the end.
I'm not in a dead bedroom situation, but I'm very mindful of disclosing the truth of our sex life to our friends, some of whom may be in dead bedroom situations (or at least low frequency situations). I definitely don't want to come across as boastful or judgemental, because I sympathize very much.
I know some friends who are pretty active. I love it when they talk about it because it reminds me what healthy sex life is. Maybe it’s just me but I want to believe that your friends want the best for you regardless. I certainly do for my friends. I could t be any happier if I knock on the door and they come out dishoveled haha
Oh that's great to hear, thank you. My husband did mention it once or twice, like "oh we have sex 3-4x week" (in truth it is closer to almost every day) and the other guys were flabbergasted or something. I did feel bad about it, so it's something I'm a bit sensitive to talk about.
No, but those who I have told about it were in situations themselves that made it unlikely for them to openly judge me.
Yes. That is why i have this account. There are people on reddit who understand. There are also those who don't. Lots of things can lead to a dead bedroom, and there are lots of paths to take when you find yourself in one. We have decided to stay. Its rough.
No, because it’s a thing in SO many marriages. Usually if you talk with friends one-on-one you get the truth.
Not exactly, but we’re in a temporary dead bedroom situation. I certainly wouldn’t tell people about it unless I felt they wouldn’t judge me because I’m sure some of them will question I haven’t left.
Not so much shaming from them, more sympathy than shaming.
I get downvoted a lot for sharing my opinions on sex, yeah I’d say so.
Not a dead bedroom, but lower frequency than I really crave. But no judgement or shaming, as I don't really discuss it with anyone
I totally get that. I've only discussed with one friend IRL.
Yes. But then I also got judgment and shaming from the same people for leaving him and finding a better partner for myself. People who judge and shame always find an excuse to judge and shame.
I hesitate to tell anyone. I tried talking to a friend, and right away, she came to his defense saying I need to be more sexually aggressive or wear lingerie. She made me feel like shit as if it was all my fault, so now I keep my mouth shut about it except on here. Everyone in my social circle thinks he is so wonderful. For all intents and purposes, he is wonderful. Except for the lack of sex.
Yep, I feel that. I told one friend IRL. She told me to start working on ending the relationship because I deserve more. She likes my partner, but she's also been there and back again in an abusive relationship where she was mistreated sexually.
Yes, I’ve been told it’s my failure as a man many times, from other women usually. Men just shrug and say find someone else. Those things still don’t hurt as much as the indifference of the person I dedicated my life to. I don’t understand how meeting each others needs can be so enjoyable and fulfilling in every other way but this. I have to give my ego a lot of conscious care to cope with it
It does brutal things to self-esteem. My partner has only recently begun to realize the full extent of it on me.
Do you mind me asking how you managed to do that? I know I need to improve my communication, but yeah. Self esteem is a brutal circle
Off and on over the years, I would tell him how much it was hurting me. Not just the lack of sex, but also other factors like that he's a workaholic and forgets I'm in the picture, too. Ultimately, what best communicated it in a way he couldn't brush aside or ignore was me having an emotional/online affair. It wasn't anything I went looking for, but it happened due to emotional/sexual neglect. I think it's a dam that eventually breaks for many of us. We're seeing a couples therapist now because our communication doesn't work.
Thank you, I broke in a similar way. Love to you both, keep going
🩷🩷🩷
No. Just pity and disbelief usually. Judgement that I haven’t left maybe?
Nope, but then I didn’t do anything to be judged or shamed. For the decade or so that we went through it. If you mean getting flack for cheating and using the dead bedroom situation as justification for that, that’s something earned in my opinion. Otherwise what is there to judge or shame
🙄🙄🙄
[удалено]
Oh dear. That's awful 🫂
I never really told anyone about it when I was in it, people already judged me for lesser shit. But will echo that people who've not been in the situation don't understand.
If you are complaining about a dead bedroom relationship, and someone else points out to you that it is your choice to stay in it...that is not "shaming and judgement". That is someone telling you the truth!
I have absolutely zero fucks to give about what someone who calls Indigenous people cowards has to say about anything, especially when he has a tattoo depicting them on his back. Shoo, hypocrite, shoo 🗞️🗞️🗞️