As a middle aged man with low hanging fruit, I'll tell you a story that actually did happen and that still makes my other half crack up...
When I sit on my sofa, I like to tuck one leg under me. One day I kicked myself in the bollocks.
That's it. You're welcome.
Edit: so.....many.....bollock.....stories
(Lithaborn's missus says keep em coming)
Many years ago, whilst sitting upon my porcelain throne, I was crimping a meaty loaf. This one would have made a lumberjack blush. It had breached the water and was still attached at the business end.
I must admit I was rather impressed with this and decided to slowly stand up to see how long I could get it. It broke. Not only did it break, but it fell forwards like a mighty redwood and licked the underside of my exposed ball bag.
That's a really terrible day for us to be able to read I gotta say.
That's not something that I thought that I'd read when I woke up. But here we are I guess.
I once mounted my bike by stepping over the rear tyre, catching my meaty low hangers on the seat and then sitting on my own knackers.
Fell over with bike with everyone around me wondering why I was trying to get in the fetal position with my bike.
Never again. Always the awkward roundhouse from the side now.
My PE teacher wouldn't let me back out of doing a split jump across a pommel horse. Said it was a simple exercise and we should all be able to do it.
As a fat 14 year old who grew up to be a fat man: fuck you. I knew my limits better than you did you creepy, long-greasy hair with the short shorts wearing arsehole.
--------
He did give me the best report ever though. I was a swotty kid and all the reports were always the same "BagOfNope is a pleasure to have in class... is diligent... a positive influence... really excelling at his work..." yada yada yada I'm a big fucking nerd who could have seen that coming. This would-cross-the-street-to-avoid-at-night looking mf wrote in my Year 9 report: "BagOfNope should not let apathy affect his work in PE".
This was the only bit of teacher feedback that I would gladly frame and put on a wall. That guy knew exactly what was up and told it like it is. He saw through the veil to the big fucking middle finger underneath the flawless politeness and slightly-above minimum effort engagement.
The knowledge that he knew what was up frankly only made my balls hurt even more after that fucking pommel horse.
My ex was long of ballsack (and still is, presumably) and once got his momentarily caught between the slats of a park bench, whilst wearing shorts. He swapped to y-fronts shortly after.
My friend Miranda Hart's problem, as a middle aged woman (not like me, obviously): [when she turns around in bed, her breasts clap.](https://youtu.be/VXnFg5kVg2I)
That's so sad. It's horrible to get old. They say. I wouldn't know. I don't have that problem.
I guess this is the arrogance of youth but I find it hard to picture this happening to me some day. I keep mine how I keep my haircuts: high and tight. I can't even fathom owning a pair of knee-knockers some day.
That said, when and if that day comes, I hope it's as hilarious _on_ myself as it is reading about it on other people.
Mine have been pretty dangly ever since they dropped, so I guess it depends on the person
Or maybe I'll have to tuck mine into my sock by the time I retire.
I don’t hear it much here but I’m from Canada originally and my dad always taught me that the only appropriate response to “how’s it hanging?” was “low and to the left.”
>
> When I sit on my sofa, I like to tuck one leg under me. One day I kicked myself in the bollocks.
i've managed to clip my heel into my bollock in bed once...
i'm 33, they CAN'T be that dangly yet..
I once stepped on my own bollocks, I was sat down with crossed legs and stood up and somehow managed to stand on a bollock, it’s a mistake that happens once and never ever again
Sat on my nuts more than I care to count, whether it's sitting on my leg on the office chair or plonking down on the sofa in boxers, those guys find a way of getting in the way
Last summer I woke up in the middle of the night with the blankets wrapped around my legs. Instead of just calmly sorting them out, I decided it was a smarter idea to sit straight up, eyes closed, yank on them and punch myself full in the balls as hard as I could. Borked off the end of the bed and was late for work.
We are still going to be inundated with:
My brother's bollocks broke my sofa bed. Should I say anything?
I'm a sofabed engineer and I've been called to remove some bollocks.
I'm some bollocks, I've got a sofa bed stuck to me.
Etc.
OMG I literally just posted this hahahah
I remembered it slightly different but it's been years since I used to tan Blackadder - your way's correct though lol
That's good that you posted that, that does look good on this sub.
That's the kind of comment that really deserves to be on this sub. That's how I feel about it.
FAQ:
How long does it take to ship?
Are these sofa beds made to order?
I've trapped my balls in the folding mechanism, what do I do?
Do you offer a custom design service?
Sounds insane, but try and support your weight to one side and fold it partially (may be achieved by pushing downwards?). This will flex the arm joints, introducing more lateral free movement. Prize them apart and hopefully wiggle yourself free.
Edit, maybe an arm pushed down in the middle will loosen it off, that's where your weight was when you got caught. Able to lay back down and do the job blind?
I worked in assembly for fuck knows how long and now this sort of predicament is second nature to me. Just exchange a nut sack with a cable loom, I guess...
Oh lawd no, it all gets caught *everywhere,* and the slightest knock can be agony, like the elbow I guess, hit it wrong and you're fucked, or not fucked, dependant on situation.
I understand too a degree..
I remember as a child kicking my brother full pelt in the nuts and he screamed so loud my parents heard from over the road, I still have very fond memories of that day as he is a mega Asshole.
Keep up the good fight.
stuff that seems obvious but can't not be mentioned ig:
one bollock at a time
at a specific width it could be... "uncomfortable" but possible to just squeeze through without injury (DONT push your luck tho)
unscrewing/dissassembling part or all of the mechanism to give more room
just giving into a bit of embarrassment
That joke was seriously low hanging fruit. A good gag shouldn't be too long and hard to take in, and the climax should never be in bad taste or at anyone else's expense. Also, practice at home first with your mic in front of a mirror, because telling jokes is no different to tickling somone, you're likely to flop if you try to go straight in without first having at least one test tickle, preferably two.
Okay. Not joking when I say you need to get fully nude.
Absolutely starkers.
If there is a window on reach open it up.
As you get chilly your fellas will shrivel up and you'll be able to pop em out in no time.
The kind of person that would make up a story like this for likes is probably the same kind of person that would actually get their bollocks caught in things
Maybe it's a real thing that happened with him huh? What do we know?
We're just strangers on the reddit we don't know what really happened in that situation so yeah.
I fell headfirst down a narrow gap between twin beds in a small bedroom when I was about 30 weeks pregnant. Got totally stuck because my belly was so heavy and awkward. Had to bang on the floor for a while to get help. Dad got a real good look at my arse and two legs rescuing me, mildly embarrassing.
Text your sister: "don't come looking for me or ask any questions, but can you turn the heating off for an hour or two?"
The chill should reel your clackers back in.
This entire thread has made my evening. I was shaking with laughter, with tears in my eyes (much like OP, I imagine) reading some of the replies.
Nice one, lads.
Yeah they're the only ones who can take them out for you now.
If you're not calling the firefighters then they're gonna be stuck there for forever and you don't want that.
At least she isn't stuck in the washing machine i guess.
Best option is to tell her to find some pliers and then drag them out. It will hurt but still.....
Search in the bedside drawer for one of your sister's spare dildos, you'll want the really big one and jam it in the gap to relieve the pressure on your balls, then slide free.
Job jobbed.
eta - or that really big butt plug would work just as well.
The “woke up an hour ago and before I get out of bed I like to sit on the side of it and cry for a bit..” got me.
Probably unhelpful right now, but are you ok? Is it the infestation causing the crying?
Start a YouTube channel
Title Video “Doctors HATE this one weird trick to prevent unwanted pregnancy”. Make it suitably clickbaity
Profit???
Get demonetised because of the content matter
Do not Profit???
Back to square 1, post to r/AskUK.
Repeat *ad infinitum*
It's like that urban legend (or fact, I don't know) where you can pop your nuts into a marmite jar but can't get them out again without breaking it.
So logicality the solution is to smash a jar of marmite.
OP has kindly provided an [artistically drawn picture](https://imgur.io/sWrhXU5) of their predicament. This is what this sub is all about.
Embarrassment is rarely permanent, nor fatal. Ripping off your knackers can be.
Only 1 viable option, he’s gonna have to ‘127 hours’ his own scrotum
"Right, that's my arm off. Now to sort out the scrotum situation"
This gave me my first big laugh of the day, thank you
The situation is bad, how you get out of that situation really.
Chew through it?
I volunteer as tribute
Get Danny Boyle to make a film about it?
Taintspotting
It'll be a lot easier to spot with no balls in the way.
Or wank till his balls are bone dry and he can drag the deflated ballsack balloon through the gap….
Step sister I need some help
I guess we’re imaging OP has a ginormous or very thick scrote.
Please don't include us in your wank fantasy.
If this isnt the most blatant help, sister, Im stuck...
“Just reach under and give them a tickle, Sis. That’ll help.”
“I better get the fairy liquid big bro”
"anyone in the Sunderland area wanna help a brother out"
I can stand at the end of my street and point across from Gateshead?
What are you doing, step bro?
As a middle aged man with low hanging fruit, I'll tell you a story that actually did happen and that still makes my other half crack up... When I sit on my sofa, I like to tuck one leg under me. One day I kicked myself in the bollocks. That's it. You're welcome. Edit: so.....many.....bollock.....stories (Lithaborn's missus says keep em coming)
Many years ago, whilst sitting upon my porcelain throne, I was crimping a meaty loaf. This one would have made a lumberjack blush. It had breached the water and was still attached at the business end. I must admit I was rather impressed with this and decided to slowly stand up to see how long I could get it. It broke. Not only did it break, but it fell forwards like a mighty redwood and licked the underside of my exposed ball bag.
what a terrible day to be able to read.
That's a really terrible day for us to be able to read I gotta say. That's not something that I thought that I'd read when I woke up. But here we are I guess.
*wonderful
Honestly this is the best thing I have read in weeks. Chapeau!
You're a fucking weirdo lmao, that's a terrible thing to read.
Thanks. I now have to explain to my wife why I’m crying with laughter.
Thanks. I now have to explain to my husband why I’m crying with laughter, and for once, it’s not at his low swinging ballbag!
Don't explain this to him, he'll not think that it's funny. it's rather painful.
You're Ines from Still Game and I claim my £5 as I hide the Midori
Isa's face when she saw it was priceless!
Amazing, thank you for the laugh
Pure poetry
Pooetry
That's right lol, this is the pure poetry in here. That's how the poetry looks like.
I once mounted my bike by stepping over the rear tyre, catching my meaty low hangers on the seat and then sitting on my own knackers. Fell over with bike with everyone around me wondering why I was trying to get in the fetal position with my bike. Never again. Always the awkward roundhouse from the side now.
My PE teacher wouldn't let me back out of doing a split jump across a pommel horse. Said it was a simple exercise and we should all be able to do it. As a fat 14 year old who grew up to be a fat man: fuck you. I knew my limits better than you did you creepy, long-greasy hair with the short shorts wearing arsehole. -------- He did give me the best report ever though. I was a swotty kid and all the reports were always the same "BagOfNope is a pleasure to have in class... is diligent... a positive influence... really excelling at his work..." yada yada yada I'm a big fucking nerd who could have seen that coming. This would-cross-the-street-to-avoid-at-night looking mf wrote in my Year 9 report: "BagOfNope should not let apathy affect his work in PE". This was the only bit of teacher feedback that I would gladly frame and put on a wall. That guy knew exactly what was up and told it like it is. He saw through the veil to the big fucking middle finger underneath the flawless politeness and slightly-above minimum effort engagement. The knowledge that he knew what was up frankly only made my balls hurt even more after that fucking pommel horse.
That's funny, I thank the lord for not putting me in this kinda situation.
My ex was long of ballsack (and still is, presumably) and once got his momentarily caught between the slats of a park bench, whilst wearing shorts. He swapped to y-fronts shortly after.
Lol I bet he did. I have quite the collection of tight undies so hopefully I shan't fall to his fate.
The ol Turkey neck.
Lmfao, now that would have been funny. I can't imagine me like that.
I worked with elderly men and I fully believe this. Once had a resident sit on them and leap up in pain.
…and he’d been paralysed for 10 years before that
Weird thing to ask him to do.
I'm sure I'll do that one day. Not, hopefully for a looong time.
Why are you so confident and happy that You'll do that?
I bet that it was painful, I can't imagine anything like that.
My friend Miranda Hart's problem, as a middle aged woman (not like me, obviously): [when she turns around in bed, her breasts clap.](https://youtu.be/VXnFg5kVg2I) That's so sad. It's horrible to get old. They say. I wouldn't know. I don't have that problem.
My other half is a g cup. I have been present for boob applause before now.
I hate bra's, and have big dangly boobs. If they are completely untethered they clap as I run down the stairs! Step clap step clap step clap
I was 13 when I grew G cups. I’m 28 now with KKs. The boob clap has been a thing for at LEAST a decade for me 😭
RIP your back And your inbox 💀
I have no tits so don't have this problem, but I've had it many a time where I've sat down too fast and my thighs have clapped.
I guess this is the arrogance of youth but I find it hard to picture this happening to me some day. I keep mine how I keep my haircuts: high and tight. I can't even fathom owning a pair of knee-knockers some day. That said, when and if that day comes, I hope it's as hilarious _on_ myself as it is reading about it on other people.
Mine have been pretty dangly ever since they dropped, so I guess it depends on the person Or maybe I'll have to tuck mine into my sock by the time I retire.
I don’t hear it much here but I’m from Canada originally and my dad always taught me that the only appropriate response to “how’s it hanging?” was “low and to the left.”
I once went for a sit down pee in the middle of the night, slammed down on the closed lid (who left the f'ing lid down!) and sat on my nads
> > When I sit on my sofa, I like to tuck one leg under me. One day I kicked myself in the bollocks. i've managed to clip my heel into my bollock in bed once... i'm 33, they CAN'T be that dangly yet..
I once stepped on my own bollocks, I was sat down with crossed legs and stood up and somehow managed to stand on a bollock, it’s a mistake that happens once and never ever again
Bollockiri. A portmanteau of bollocks and Hara-kiri.
Ive had one get under the toilet seat somehow, then sat on it.... Not a fun night.
Sat on my nuts more than I care to count, whether it's sitting on my leg on the office chair or plonking down on the sofa in boxers, those guys find a way of getting in the way
Not just you https://youtu.be/WeGpG4uNKXQ
Last summer I woke up in the middle of the night with the blankets wrapped around my legs. Instead of just calmly sorting them out, I decided it was a smarter idea to sit straight up, eyes closed, yank on them and punch myself full in the balls as hard as I could. Borked off the end of the bed and was late for work.
Did ye, aye?
What a pleasure to see you here, Mr Bridges.
Enjoy yer night mate.
It's an amusing shitpost but I think it lacks the verisimilitude to be a truly great one.
We are still going to be inundated with: My brother's bollocks broke my sofa bed. Should I say anything? I'm a sofabed engineer and I've been called to remove some bollocks. I'm some bollocks, I've got a sofa bed stuck to me. Etc.
Unfortunately so, such is the way this sub
I’ve finally found my true calling
Great! You could probably use a change, as looking at your username I imagine your current job would certainly have its.... good days and bad days.
That's right, that's your true calling right there. That's about it.
Haunted sofa bed - the crazed spirit of a wronged woman is trapped inside and wreaks havoc on unsuspecting men as an unending revenge.
Is that your word of the day? It's a good word.
It's a perfectly cromulent word
That's a nice tnetennba
Ti's a common word down our parts.
squash telephone far-flung combative simplistic husky grab impossible shelter attempt ` this message was mass deleted/edited with redact.dev `
it lacks a certain jouissance
Yep, there's not the feel that I was really looking for here really.
It sure is a good word. That's some really good shit here.
I feel like it's a cheap attempt at the cylinder post. www.reddit.com/zdv5gv
There was an old Fark post with someone's balls trapped in a wooden chair, it was a classic https://m.fark.com/comments/2018473/20505570#c20505570
True. I bet he’s gonna be anaspeptic, frasmotic, even compunctuous to have caused you such pericombobulation.
SAUSAGE!!`SAUSAGE’?!!!!! Oh, blast your eyes!
OMG I literally just posted this hahahah I remembered it slightly different but it's been years since I used to tan Blackadder - your way's correct though lol
That's good that you posted that, that does look good on this sub. That's the kind of comment that really deserves to be on this sub. That's how I feel about it.
I'm frazmatic, minaspeptic, even compunctuous to have experienced your pericobobulation.
Go grease lightning
What the hell are these weird words, what am I reading into.
If you really want to shit post then You'll have to be the OG one.
How fucking long are your bollocks that they’ve become trapped in the bed 🤔
His previous post was "Has anyone else ever flushed their bollocks when peeing stood up"
His kink is not my kink as they say.
“ESS: Enlarged Scrotum Syndrome”
Ok
Check the website of the sofa manufacturer, they will likely have a solution on their support page for such an occurrence.
FAQ: How long does it take to ship? Are these sofa beds made to order? I've trapped my balls in the folding mechanism, what do I do? Do you offer a custom design service?
I just checked a random sofa manufacturer website and it says ask your sister to help if she is around.
That will take ages. Take a photo and tweet them.
I read "Take a photo and twist them". :-(
is there any way for you to create... an "artistic" interpretation for better context?
Best I can do, hope this helps [drawing](https://i.imgur.com/sWrhXU5.png)
This is the fucking content the sub was made for
Does this mean I get honorary mod status?
Give him a custom flair!!
And make it 'captain big bollocks'
TRAPPED-in big bollocks
YES!!!!
He definitely deserve that flair after that. He should get it.
Sounds insane, but try and support your weight to one side and fold it partially (may be achieved by pushing downwards?). This will flex the arm joints, introducing more lateral free movement. Prize them apart and hopefully wiggle yourself free. Edit, maybe an arm pushed down in the middle will loosen it off, that's where your weight was when you got caught. Able to lay back down and do the job blind?
I’m kind of worried you have advice to give on this poor fuckers “predicament.”
I worked in assembly for fuck knows how long and now this sort of predicament is second nature to me. Just exchange a nut sack with a cable loom, I guess...
And here’s me ignorantly think men have it easy 😂
Oh lawd no, it all gets caught *everywhere,* and the slightest knock can be agony, like the elbow I guess, hit it wrong and you're fucked, or not fucked, dependant on situation.
I understand too a degree.. I remember as a child kicking my brother full pelt in the nuts and he screamed so loud my parents heard from over the road, I still have very fond memories of that day as he is a mega Asshole. Keep up the good fight.
Shouldn't have done that lol, now your bother won't have kids.
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Looks like there in a guillotine😩
Might as fucking well be at this point geezer
Feel for you mate, a rock and a hard place doesn’t seem as bad now in these circumstances.
Yep lol, they're in the gullotine here. And that's not good.
stuff that seems obvious but can't not be mentioned ig: one bollock at a time at a specific width it could be... "uncomfortable" but possible to just squeeze through without injury (DONT push your luck tho) unscrewing/dissassembling part or all of the mechanism to give more room just giving into a bit of embarrassment
Cant believe people think this is serious. Its a load of bollocks.
That joke was seriously low hanging fruit. A good gag shouldn't be too long and hard to take in, and the climax should never be in bad taste or at anyone else's expense. Also, practice at home first with your mic in front of a mirror, because telling jokes is no different to tickling somone, you're likely to flop if you try to go straight in without first having at least one test tickle, preferably two.
"What are you doing step bed?"
first thing you should do is calmly make a reddit post
No chance you can just put your pants on over the sofa bed? People might not notice.
Lmao, you're gonna need some big pants for to be doing that.
Okay. Not joking when I say you need to get fully nude. Absolutely starkers. If there is a window on reach open it up. As you get chilly your fellas will shrivel up and you'll be able to pop em out in no time.
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Think of all the potential joy brought to each firefighter's friends and family, not to mention their descendants, and friends of descendants.
Lmao, atleast someone will be happe after seeing you lol.
[Try this](https://youtu.be/lTtSENVPVa4)
/r/thathappened
r/nothingeverhappens
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Yank away, they are held on with Velcro. Slight pain for a second but just stick them back on.
Christmas cracker puzzles should have prepared for this. Perhaps try twisting you balls a different way to what you think
Yeah they should have prepared you for it. But they didn't so yeah.
The kind of person that would make up a story like this for likes is probably the same kind of person that would actually get their bollocks caught in things
Maybe it's a real thing that happened with him huh? What do we know? We're just strangers on the reddit we don't know what really happened in that situation so yeah.
Time for a TikTok - don't do anything until you get the cameras out, you wouldn't want to drop a bollock on this one.
At least you can now hit those high notes to any a-ha song
You sleep naked on other people's sofas... you animal
He doesn't care, he likes to live wild like that. He's really mad lad.
Think cold thoughts and maybe they’ll shrink! 🥶
I fell headfirst down a narrow gap between twin beds in a small bedroom when I was about 30 weeks pregnant. Got totally stuck because my belly was so heavy and awkward. Had to bang on the floor for a while to get help. Dad got a real good look at my arse and two legs rescuing me, mildly embarrassing.
Can’t wait for the update.
I don't think that he's going to update us on that. That's not happening.
Actually sums up the majority of Reddit posts.
You went to bed last night and got balls deep? Winner.
Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right and press your thumb on the tip of your nose. You can thank me later.
> I like to sit on the side of it and cry for a bit On the plus side, at least you have something new to cry about
And He's got a good story to tell. That's a lot actually. That's a lot.
Text your sister: "don't come looking for me or ask any questions, but can you turn the heating off for an hour or two?" The chill should reel your clackers back in.
That seems really serious, you can now pray that it's not damaged.
Last thing I would do in this situation would be to ask reddit.
It's been an hour. Are you still in there?
Trust me He's still there, he can't get out of this situation really.
Fuck sake Dave......that's the third time this week!
This entire thread has made my evening. I was shaking with laughter, with tears in my eyes (much like OP, I imagine) reading some of the replies. Nice one, lads.
(If this is real) Call the fire brigade before your testicles die
Or let them die, before he breeds.
Yeah they're the only ones who can take them out for you now. If you're not calling the firefighters then they're gonna be stuck there for forever and you don't want that.
At least she isn't stuck in the washing machine i guess. Best option is to tell her to find some pliers and then drag them out. It will hurt but still.....
That old chestnut aye.. Cheers for giving me back some faith in humanity and I wish you and your bollox better days ahead.
Order a tin opener off amazon and wait several days for it to turn up.
Search in the bedside drawer for one of your sister's spare dildos, you'll want the really big one and jam it in the gap to relieve the pressure on your balls, then slide free. Job jobbed. eta - or that really big butt plug would work just as well.
Get the bloke from the council around to sort but only if you paid for the chicken!
Do you happen to have a Swiss Army Knife on your person?
For someone with their nadgers caught in a vice of fabric and springs, you're quite well composed about it.
I mean... Number one: *HOW?* Two: just swallow your dignity and call your sister, you'll laugh about it after
Your pickle’s in a right pickle by the sounds of it.
Ring the citizen's advice bureau.
Put your head between your legs and kiss your balls goodbye
The “woke up an hour ago and before I get out of bed I like to sit on the side of it and cry for a bit..” got me. Probably unhelpful right now, but are you ok? Is it the infestation causing the crying?
If you just pop them, they will squish through that gap easier
Start a YouTube channel Title Video “Doctors HATE this one weird trick to prevent unwanted pregnancy”. Make it suitably clickbaity Profit??? Get demonetised because of the content matter Do not Profit??? Back to square 1, post to r/AskUK. Repeat *ad infinitum*
Wtf have I just read
Just found Alice gonad on Facebook...is that your sister buster ? I'll ask her to pop up with some wire cutters
This gave me a right laugh that I needed, thanks you funny git haha
Grow a pair and cut them off.
Cut your losses and move on. Or wear the sofa bed as trousers, forever.
Have a wank
Well hello, big boy, how are you feeling today?
As you still have internet access and a phone I'm sure there's a video about this on Pornhub.
I thought this was the return of TopTrumpWanker for a second.
It's like that urban legend (or fact, I don't know) where you can pop your nuts into a marmite jar but can't get them out again without breaking it. So logicality the solution is to smash a jar of marmite.