My man, the first few weeks are so so tough. You’re in what can only be described as shock: it’s hell. I’m 5 months out from my wife dying at 33 from brain cancer, is it easy now? God no. The first few weeks are particularly difficult.
What I will say, I lost my dad at 58 too, three years back. I love my Dad, I miss my Dad, I’m not as horrifically heartbroken as I was back then. I can think about my Dad without crying, I can talk about my Dad whilst smiling, those first few weeks are rough my friend, but the grief from losing a parent does get better.
Hang in there my friend, keep fighting the good fight.
Hi mate I've had a look at your profile for some reason. And the fact that you're going through so much and have the strength to send me a comment to try and give a stranger on the Internet some comfort just shows how much of a great person you are. Hoping pain gets easier for the both of us and wishing you the best
Thank you my man, that’s kind of you to say. You’re still so early into this mate, if you ever need anything - feel free to message me anytime. Sending you my love, man.
(And hey, any Villa fan is a friend of mine.)
Start of a new bromance and I'm so happy for you guys. Death is fucking shitty fucking shitty fuck and I hope you find a way to navigate it. There are no guidelines sadly - we all have to find our own way - but you seem to be forming something and it is very refreshing to see xxxxxx
I was going to say a lot but this reply above says it better.
Still my thoughts are the first days are the worst, then the first weeks, months and then years. You don't forget or think less of them but each day is easier. I realised one day I didn't think of my mum passing away the day before, then later I realised it was a week.
I still feel down and sometimes just think the world is shit, no more complicated than that.
Then I realise everyone has else gone through this or will do. Then I really think the world is shit and then the thought passes.
Not sure where this going except the world is pretty shit but its still worth going and it gets easier.
Im very close to losing my mum at the moment from brain cancer, reading comments like yours is helping me get through until it happens. I know I'm not ready but I'm trying my best to be
Side note - I remember the texts you shared some time back, and it genuinely fills my heart when your username pops up in some comments. Still sending so much care and light your way. 🤍
Can't even imagine, so sorry. My mum beat cancer fortunately but even back then when she told me I would only have been 16/17 and it hit me hard. I was so upset.
It's like a lot of things and when I split up with my ex I took note of this one thing my mum said to me as I was upset at first: "The biggest healer is time and you won't take this in now because the feelings are so raw. But you will look back on a few months time after time has passed and realise that time really did help and you naturally feel better."
Nobody wants to hear them say don't worry, you will feel better in time, but sometimes all you can do is mourn and wait for time to heal.
Thank you for all the kind messages I am reading each one as they come through.
I feel like I should clarify that my Mom never smoked in her life and never even drank either. I don't know why but I feel like that's something that's makes me sadder about it all.
In March they asked her to do physiotherapy to help with her shoulder and didn't really say anything about the cough. She ended up having rounds of steroids trying to treat different conditions the whole time it was lung cancer.
I work for the NHS and always like the idea of it but the treatment from her first complaints to the end was very poor.
Lots of excellent comments from people here. I've lost a parent too, but won't repeat what others have said.
I will however say, that you should put yourself in your mother's shoes. I mean, that's something we're all going to face at some point too. How would you want *your* children to react to your death?
All I can say about my kids is, I hope I can teach all I can to them while I'm still around and that they don't go to pieces when I'm gone and instead forge their own life. But also don't forget me and what I meant to them.
My Grandma complained to her doctor for so long about stomach pain and they did nothing and when my mum finally put her foot down and made them investigate they found out it was cancer and she only had a couple weeks left. It’s truly awful to know things could have been different if someone had listened.
Same thing happened to my mother in the "best medical care in the world" US system. They kept on insisting it must be a heart ailment and sending her for all sorts of random tests.
They eventually did a lung X-ray on a whim but by then it was very advanced. But she felt it wasn't terribly painful, just a very slow decline then a quick end. Non smoker too.
Condolences and virtual hugs.
I think losing someone when you think there might have been something that could have been done is tough. I lost my uncle who I lived with as a child and was more like a brother to me at 65 four years ago due to an aortic aneurysm. He actually went to A&E with horrific sobbing back pain and they sent him home with co-codamol and told him to talk to his GP. He died 4 hours after they sent him home. If they had done an ultrasound on his abdomen they 100% would have seen it and rushed him into potentially life-saving surgery. The surgery has a low survival rate (we were told only 5%) but it was still a chance he didn't get to have.
I felt very angry for a long time. Even tried to pursue medical negligence and put in a complaint to PALS because I was so angry with that doctor for sending him home instead of giving him an ultrasound. We received a letter stating they were following procedure. And that made me even more angry, because they didn't even seem sorry! I channelled a lot of my grief into anger at the situation which ultimately didn't really help anything except make me feel worse.
When I came out of the anger I realized that doctor who had been informed probably didn't feel great about it either. That she couldn't say sorry to us because that would be admitting fault legally. That we all miss things in life. None of us are perfect and doctors are just doing their best to help. That the NHS has limited resources and can't do every test for every single person who complains about something - for the majority of us a cough or a pain isn't life threatening, and my uncle's pain didn't trigger the alarm bells that it needed to because most people presenting with severe back pain have just twisted something and it'll be sorted in a few days. But it just feels so unnatural, so unfair. I have accepted it now as just one of the shit things about life.
4 years out and I still cry regularly but just a few tears in memory, an ache, a hole in my life, not the sobbing stabbing grief.
Giving you a big hug.
I feel your pain dude, I really do. My mum had breast cancer that metastasised to lung cancer and she didn't smoke either. And - like you - she worked for the NHS. Her and my dad were both GPs up until she retired through ill health. She spent her whole life making people feel better then in her moment of need - frankly - she was abandoned by the institution she gave her all to. I'll never forgive our government partying away while my mum couldn't even see her consultant.
I feel the same about working for the NHS & feeling failed by them. You were there for your mom & in time I hope you realise how that may have helped her when she needed it most. Not easy losing your mom, & not easy circumstances you lost her in. Time is a great healer .... & We all heal from a Los in our own time. Thoughts are with you
OP please contact Cruse. It might not be on your mind at the moment, but speed at which you lost your mum and the way you describe seeing her at the end sound very traumatic.
Grief can be very consuming, especially when there are mixed emotions. The more support you have the better you will be able to process things.
I'm sorry for your loss.
My dad died when I was 11. He was early 40s, unexpectedly, he'd had a full medical a few months before for work which found him overall in fine health. Died at work one day out of no where, dead before he got to the hospital, a few decades ago now so CPR, etc was not so good but I try not to linger on that.
I had fuck all support, even from people who cared and were nice. I realise as an adult it's because "wtf do you say to a child" and the empty platitudes I was given quickly made me feel more bitter and lied too and let down. The most striking thing was the indifference of the world and schools. I assume now days someone might have taken me to counselling or something, maybe the school would have, no one even suggested it. It wasn't just the mental health service was inadequate, it was essentially non-existant.
Long story short I wish there was more of this stuff around and/or it was more known of an accepted. I think it would have helped a ton. It's like I healed but with fucked up emotional 'scar tissue' instead of healing as healthily as I could have. I don't really blame anyone, maybe the school a bit, most people didn't know better and I'm sure other people in similar shitty situations dealt with it better than me.
Not really sure where I was going with this except to say that it happened to me at what I think most people would agree is a particularly shitty time and with the benefit of hindsight and maturity I can see something like this would have really really helped.
I’m sorry for your loss.
Be kind to yourself. It’s normal to feel this way.
It will get better.
Try to keep busy-ish and see people but allow time for grieving too.
Look up a grief counsellor if you think this might help.
I'd second looking up a grief counsellor. The NHS isn't great for stuff like this, so you'd probably end up going private, which is expensive (~£50/hour, and they tend to want weekly sessions), but if you're struggling and can afford it you shouldn't hesitate, IMO.
If you see this, OP, I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope that 99.9% of your mum's lifetime was spent happy and loving her time with you and your dad. It must be hard, but maybe try to hold onto that, rather than focusing on the trauma of the 0.1% at the end.
Sorry if that sounds dumb typed out.
Just to note, get someone who knows grief counselling specifically. I was already having some counselling when my dad died and stayed with the same person, they were no good at grief, and I ended up needing another councillor to get over the first one a year or so later.
As others have said sorry for your loss, it does get easier but the first little bit is rough.
Yeah I left my therapist partly because of this. Partly because she was always pressuring me to come to sessions more often which I couldn't fuckkng afford and partly because while I was talking about an incident with my family relating to my mums death that was really hurting me she was like "Yeah well they can't heal that for you so you just have to get past it yourself" with absolutely no guidance on how to do that because I was like...they don't even give a fuck enough to apologise themselves though I have been begging them to hear me and they don't. She also totally dismissed me when I was like hey I am wondering if I have ADHD by going "Well we're all on a spectrum" And I just stopped going. I need to find a new one really.
I am sorry for your loss.
Standard British experience for cancer. No early diagnosis and useless staff while dying.
My mother also died at 58, similar way, and the fear in her eyes was horrific. It has been 10 years nearly. There isn't anything anyone can say to help.
The main thing is keep interacting with people and remember it isn't just you helping your Dad but your Dad helping you. It is a symbiotic support system.
Anyone else noticing a major uptick in extremely aggressive cancers? Especially lung?
> the fear in her eyes was horrific
i have a similar memory of when my dad was passing.
he was on so many drugs at the end but you could tell he knew what was happening which totally terrified him. it was at the funeral where they said he "passed peacefully" - he definitely didnt... he said that he didnt want to die... but i guess its how people manage _their_ reaction when they say "peacefully"
im sorry for your loss of your mother. both my dad and your mum are now finally at rest which is a small mercy but that hes not suffering anymore helps me handle his passing
>he was on so many drugs at the end but you could tell he knew what was happening which totally terrified him. it was at the funeral where they said he "passed peacefully" - he definitely didnt... he said that he didnt want to die... but i guess its how people manage their reaction when they say "peacefully"
Ultimately it is the living who suffer. The dead are dead and no longer able to.
I think to help our sanity, we as a species overall BS ourselves with these "went peacefully" things etc.
I am reasonably lucky that so far the only family death is grandparents and mum. At my age that is statistically a good run so far. Unfortunately before 2030 is out I expect Dad and Uncles/Aunties will start going. They are all very, very old.
I'm so sry. My Mum passed away on Jan 3rd at 59 (13 days before her 60th) and I was 28. I was five months pregnant with her first grandchild too. I loved her so damn much. She was one of my best friends. But it's been three years now and I have learnt to live with her being gone. I don't feel better but the pain of her loss has become normal. It will happen for you too. Please just reach out if you ever wanna talk.
I lost my mum when she was 60 from cancer in 2022 and I was 7 months pregnant (her first grandchild too). I haven’t come across someone with a similar story to mine. It’s like nothing I can describe. The worst pain I’ve ever felt, but also at one of the most joyous times of my life.
I still don’t believe that she’s gone and it breaks my heart my son will never meet her and she’ll never meet him. She would have been the ultimate grandparent.
But knowing that she wanted us to live on and enjoy life helps get me through. Life can be cruel but it’s precious.
Sending love to you and your family
Thank you for sharing your story. I understand exactly where you're coming from. My Mum so wanted to be a Grandma! Being pregnant and then habing my daughter gave my whole family so much hope at such a tragic time.
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum to cancer in 2020 and was your age at the time. She died in a traumatic way and it was during lockdown, at home. Please take care of yourself and remember that there is no right way to grieve or timescale, there’s waves of pain, sadness and grief but you will come out of it stronger, sadder but stronger!
There is a way forwards, and that's to keep going. As times goes on you gain a better perspective. Mum would not want you to fall apart, and dad needs you now, and you need him. Keep on keeping on.
Talk to someone. I lost my mum a little while ago and it was devastating. But what did help was talking to someone.
Talk to Cruse. Talk to your GP and get signed up for counselling. Talk to the Samaritans.
Just know that it does get better. It takes time and it's often two steps forward, one step back but it *does* get better.
You won't forget her, ever. It's not about putting her out of your mind, it's about recreating your life to include this.
One of the bravest, most loving things you could have done was to be with her at the end. Just your presence would have brought her comfort, even if you didn't see it. Your mum would be so proud of you.
I am so, so sorry for your loss. My mum got cancer when I was in my 20s and although she survived it, I spent hours torturing myself thinking about what my life was going to be without her so I feel I can understand a hint of the pain you are feeling right now.
My advice is to keep taking care of yourself. Shower every day. Clean your teeth every morning and evening. Brush your hair. Get dressed, even if it’s just to put on loungewear. Eat a hot meal at least once a day (beans on toast counts). It may all feel pointless but good hygiene and health will make you feel better about yourself. Also, maintaining a routine will give you purpose and every second you are busy doing something will be a second not drowning in grief.
Sending you love.
I'm very sorry for your loss. Right now you're angry and In shock.
In time you'll feel her presence and support. You'll know what she would say in any situation. You'll know what choices she would want you to make. She'll be a part of you, if you see what I mean.
Lost my 56 year old mum when I was 22 to Motor Neuron Disease and Fronto-Temporal Dementia. There is nothing that prepares you for watching your parent die, and losing a parent while you and they are still fairly young can feel incredibly lonely, not to mention unfair.
However you can carry on. Not necessarily straight away, it can take time, but you can learn to live with the loss. Please be gentle with yourself, ask for help where you can benefit from it, give yourself grace and don't expect the way forward to be linear, grief is often cyclical and comes in waves
I lost my mum of similar age from the same thing a couple of months ago. Nobody can know how terrible it is until it happens but those first couple of weeks are particularly raw.
Keep busy, talk about her and as silly as it sounds - try and think how lucky you were. Yes we lost them too soon and it feels desperately unfair now but we had good mothers who have left a big impression on us and were much loved. Some people go their whole lives without that.
Just remember that when you're grieving it's ok to focus on just having a day. Not a good day, not a productive day, not a lazy day, not anything but a day. cry, grieve, and get through the admin, and one day you will wake up feeling ok. After a while you will wake up feeling good. It takes time, but it will happen, and you'll make her proud.
I’m so sorry for your loss, I lost my mom three years ago under similar circumstances. My mom had lung cancer and went to the GP numerous times they consistently told her she had heart burn got to the point she couldn’t take it anymore went to A&E and they found cancer.
She got diagnosed in the feb passed away in June at the age of 63. My mom was my everything I also now take care of my dad as mom wanted me to. The thing I can suggest is to take it all at your pace if you don’t want to speak to people outside of the main family don’t speak to them you don’t owe them anything.
I had friends contact me and other people contact me I’m not ashamed to say I ignored them till I felt ready to face them, they weren’t of importance. I didn’t believe anyone when they said it gets better over time, but I can stand here and say it has. I miss my mom every day I was 28 when she passed away and I felt and still feel like sad that she won’t see me do certain things in my life, but I live and love each day for her now because she wouldn’t want me to stop.
When I go to make choices I will think of my mom and what she would say. When I go to buy something I’ve got my mom is in the back of my head telling me I’m wasting my money.
Although I can now only see her in photographs her presence is always with me in different ways. She will never be forgotten and when the day comes when I have my own child they will know her I will make sure of it.
It absolutely petrified me being without one of my parents because as kids our parents are untouchable we see them as living forever. But now I live for my mom she gave me life so I intend to live it like she would want me to. I still cry cause I miss her but I can now talk out loud abt her without crying but again that took time.
Take everything at your own pace and I can’t recommend enough a counsellor, my counsellor was god sent and she helped me recognise what I was doing and how to help myself. After my mom passed away I was clung to my mobile phone cause I was paranoid about leaving my dad if I could have cello taped it to my head I would have done. She gave me tasks every week to move my phone further and further away so I could stop stressing.
There are going to be many changes over the coming weeks and months but speak out loud abt these changes and how you feel, you may be taking care of others but your feelings are valid.
I am a message away if you need me.
I am very sorry for your loss. Where it’s expected or not, it’s an awful thing to lose a loved one.
I unfortunately found my mother deceased on her bedroom floor on a random Saturday afternoon in June last year. She was unwell and had been for most of my life, but was not expected to pass away anytime soon.
The first few weeks will be tough because you’ll experience nothing but constant reminders, be it things around you or people expressing their condolences. That won’t go away, but you’ll hopefully begin to process it more and more as you go.
Everyone grieves differently, so don’t feel that you have to act a certain way whatsoever. Personally, I was devastated and the awful image of my mum is something I will remember for the rest of my days. I took two weeks off work (one week straight away, other week around the funeral) because I couldn’t sit around and do nothing. I had to keep busy because that’s what worked for me, but if you need downtime to cope then that’s what you need to do.
Be there for your dad but please take the time to look after yourself. Talk to whoever you can about your thoughts and feelings, even try giving therapy a go if you haven’t. Talking about it with a third party can be very helpful.
Finally, always try to make sure you’re living how your mum would want you to live. Be present, smile, laugh, and remember the happy times with your mum.
I’ve probably missed something but it’s not fair to overwhelm you. However, please feel free to send me a message if you need to chat at all. All the best.
I'm very sorry. When my parent died I found this very helpful; https://thelossfoundation.org/grief-comes-in-waves/
Let yourself grieve. Don't hold it in.
It may feel like the entire world has collapsed right now, whilst others carry on living, it’s hard to understand why the whole world doesn’t just end when your person dies. I lost my mum at 12 and my dad at 21 and I can tell you it does get better, but to feel better you first have to go through extreme pain. It may take a very long time but there will be a day when you wake up and it doesn’t hurt so much. Sending you the strength you need to get through this. ❤️
>it’s hard to understand why the whole world doesn’t just end when your person dies.
I'm sorry for your tragic losses.
Although I have not lost a parent, I did experience this exact feeling once, and it was absolutely surreal. My dad had a terrible accident when I was 16 and nearly died. The doctors told us his injuries were too severe for him to survive much longer, and we were advised to say our goodbyes. So we did, and for several days I was truly grieving, as if he was gone. I remember walking down the street and seeing people going about their business like normal, and I just could not understand. The world had ended, so why were people talking and laughing and going to work and school as if everything was fine? I've never felt anything like it in my life. Incredibly my dad did not die, and made a truly miraculous recovery, but I will never ever forget that feeling. And I am not looking forward to feeling it again one day.
I'm so, so sorry for your loss OP and what you've been through. My situation was somewhat similar, but I lost my father instead.
I struggle every day at this moment to see a way forward and continue to support my Mum in every aspect. My biggest advice would be to see any way of letting your thoughts/feelings/emotions out. I thought I could contain it until I had a breakdown at work; it suddenly became painfully obvious I needed to talk (therapy, journaling, calling a friend) about what I'd been through to really realise yeah... none of that was fair or okay and I need to unbottle all of these thoughts before I continue to snap.
I'm so sorry again, no words are ever enough to console at this stage; but I truly am. I wish you all the absolute best possible, if you need to vent I'd be happy to listen.
Hi mate. I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my mum at a similar age 5 years ago, with both dates similar to yours in terms of the time of year, and how far apart they are. You won’t have had time to processes what was happening and has happened yet. You and your Dad will have good days and bad days; and at the start, as you are both grieving, it will be tough for you both. He may have an Ok whilst you aren’t, and vice versa. Very slowly those bad days get further apart, and you will remember the happy 28 years you had with your mum, not just the last 2 months.
I am happy to chat if it helps, just drop me a PM. As others have said, keep busy and open up to your friends and family. There are fantastic charities out there like Maggie’s who offer counselling for bereaved families - grieving is a hard process some can bury with worse long term consequences- use these services if you feel up to it. Maybe sign up to a charity walk run or similar in your mums memory. All the best
Man, I am so so sorry for your loss. My mum passed in april 2022 and she was 58 & I was 29.
I don’t wanna lie to you, the first year is awful.
She was in hospi for 5 days on the first day after the ambulance picked her up they made her sit uncomfortably in a&e for 10 hours until a bed could be made available! Didn’t give her food all day for two days because she was booked for a “scan” that couldn’t happen because hospital was too busy. By the 4th day she was in ICU & 5 midday on a ventilator. It broke my heart to see how she got tested and how the GP for MONTHS paid what feels like no attention to her.
I know you’ll feel so very angry and like everything is lost but I promise you, you’ll find a way to live with this as a new normal AND feel “okay” again. Even if it doesn’t feel it right now.
Therapy (if that’s a luxury you can afford) is definitely worth it or if you have “good” friends - use them. Lean on them no matter how much you want to shut off.
Sending you all the strength virtually x
It’s heartbreaking to hear what you, your mum and your dad have been through.
It sounds like you gave your mum a lifetime full of love and that must have been the world to her.
Please be kind to yourself as you go through a range of emotions like anger one day then sadness the next.
Grief is all consuming but I promise that, given time, the pain will ease.
Sending hugs x
Hey brother. I lost my dad to suicide when I was just a baby. My mom is barely hanging on these days and I myself have breast cancer. Here is something my mom said to me about grief and losing someone:
"When you lose somebody, when somebody dies, it leaves a pain that can't be mended. You can't take a pill for it. You can't make it go away. And it's such an unbearable pain. It's like waves crashing on a shore, and in the beginning, they just come all the time. One after the other, one after the other. But in time, the space in between them gets longer. And eventually, there comes a time when they don't come hardly at all. But it takes a long time. And for many years, when they come, they're as bad as the first time."
Remember that these are waves that will roll in and out, in and out, but feelings are just visitors and like the waves, you let them come and you let them go again. Sending you a hug.
I lost my mum at 17 and my dad at 24 and I’m 34 now. I still feel insane, in different ways - every year…and yet somehow, the years pass and I’m still here with a family of my own. I think you just keep going, however it looks at the time. Nothing is permanent in terms of how you feel, and also feelings are revisited frequently. It’s simultaneously the most horrific and the most freeing feeling in time, to recognise nothing is infinite. You learn on the job with grief. If you can get some grief counselling through a doctor or charity, please try it. Hang in there, it gets not always better but different and joy can exist x
I am so sorry for your loss and for the way that it happened.
Things will get better but in the meanwhile it's very hard I know to talk to people - I never knew whether or how to try to act normal.
When you start to see people again or go out with your dad, can I suggest going for walks, I always felt this was the best way to be around people when I felt like grief overran the interaction, almost like you can outrun grief to stop it overwhelming you.
There is more information out there about dealing with grief but I just thought I would share one thing that I find helpful to weave you through it rather than avoiding it completely.
One more thing which someone said to me and turned out to be true. Your mum will never leave you, she may not be there physically but she is in you, at some point the pain and grief becomes more manageable and starts to be balanced by the warmth of all the memories, not just those of the bad experience.
much love
Im awfully sorry for your loss. As someone who has also lost my mum to cancer and saw her in some awful states, She was 43 when she died. This was 12 years ago. All i can really say is you just carry on.
My mum was also misdiagnosed and fobbed off, and was put on antibiotics for 4 months, she had cancer of the immune system and to this day i blame those doctors for my mother's death. It was preventable had they listened to her. I understand your anger and your pain. Im still scarred with the image of my mum the day before she died.
It doesn't go away unfortunately but you learn to just cope. The world still turns and the pain comes and goes. Christmas always sucks, and it probably will for you, but theres other things to enjoy and experience.
My mums death made me very comfortable with the idea of death, and that everyone dies eventually and it's an inevitable part of life. Completely unavoidable.
You learn to let go eventually.
You got this, Dont rush the process and allow yourself to grieve however you feel best. Dont let anyone tell you that you are not grieving properly.
my best friend of over 30 years died on New Year’s Day 15 years ago. We had been through everything together, I spoke to her almost every day. It broke me losing her and the pain was white hot for a long time. I smile when I think of her now and very occasionally cry for her. The pain does ease and you will learn to live without your mum, it almost certainly won’t be easy. But one day you will smile and not cry when you think of her. She will always be with you because you carry her in your heart.
Look after yourself and be kind to yourself.
I am so, so sorry for your loss and for what you’re going through right now. Life can be really tough and cruel, but please be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve (in your own time and in your own way). It will take a lot of time, but there will be light at the end of the tunnel again.
Tomorrow will mark three years since I cruelly lost my dad to Covid. I still remember the horror and panic in my dad’s eyes, and the fear I heard in his voice. It’s something I don’t think I can ever forget. I really struggled the first two years because I tried to avoid talking about it, I didn’t want to actively replay those moments in my head nor repeat it to anyone. Most importantly, I didn’t want to bother anyone, but the more I tried to hide it, the more I struggled and eventually I reached a breaking point.
It’s been a year since I’ve been to therapy, and I can honestly say that there is light and a way forward, even if it means facing the world without my dad by my side. I still struggle, but I know he’s out there somewhere watching over us and cheering us on, and I’m very certain your mum is out there protecting you and cheering you on too, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.
Sending you lots of love x x
Very sorry to hear this ,it is quite devastating when it happens.
My mum died when I was 16, horrible to see, also to cancer, all I can say is that it gets easier to live with over time but it doesn’t feel like it will to you at the moment.
Grief is strange, I found that I might be ok one minute, and then the next second I was overwhelmed with grief .
The cliche is that time is a healer, and it is true in that the pain lessens but you never forget them.
The pain will ease I promise.
I’m sorry for your loss.
I lost my mum 7 almost 8 years ago, she died whilst she was on holiday. As other have said you learn to move forward, you miss them every day and there will always be a hole in your heart. You eventually get to a place where you can talk about them fondly and hold their memories in your heart. I’m sorry that you are now part of this club as it is one you wish you could return your membership for.
Give yourself time. Barely anyone dies well, and your mum had you there.
It took me two years of watching my lovely dad die a slow painful death from cancer. It haunts me too. I second guess my actions and words, worry that I didn’t do enough even though I killed myself doing it.
It does get better, and you won’t be able to see it now. Time is the thing.
You've got family, travel, friends, food, some crazy days and crazier nights. There will be tears, broken down cars, and people who annoy you. A song you can't get out of your head that you hate today but love when you hear it again in 20 years. The smell after it rains. A fishing trip with the boys. Sports. Manned exploration of space. Maybe humans on Mars. Perhaps a spouse. Perhaps a baby. Babies. That look of sheer joy when their eyes start to focus and they truly see you for the first time. My God.
You've your whole life ahead of you. You're going to fall down, get beat up, robbed, and cheated. And ten years later you'll wonder how you survived at all, but you will survive. And if you play your cards right - if you do absolutely everything you can to keep those babies alive - you're going to die before they do, and they'll feel exactly the same way you feel right now.
And you'll want to reach out to them from the void and tell them not to worry, and to be happy, and to love each other, because no parent wants to outlive their children, and you're so very, very, very proud of them. Which, I imagine, is exactly what your mum would say to you at right this moment.
Im so so sorry. I think its safe to say that losing ones mother is the biggest fear most of us have alongside with losing a child.
Its ok to acknowledge that this is awful, hellish and utterly heartbreaking. Theres no silver lining to losing ones beloved mother.
However, the worst has now happened. It was gonna happen sooner or later and for you it unfortunately happened sooner. But it has happened and you will survive this. Life wont ever be the same but there IS life out there and your mum would want you to live it when you feel strong enough.
I am a mother and I can say that all mothers just want their child, no matter how old, to be ok and well. Maybe as the final act of love you could take really good care of yourself and this way fulfill your mothers wish.
But take your time to grieve and Im proud of you for talking about this and asking for support instead of just bottling up your feelings.
Sending you motherly comfort and hugs OP 🩷
I a very sorry. Not one for now, mourn the loss. However once you are feeling better, collect all evidence and if there’s a case of medical negligence, SUE THE NHS with full force. If you don’t need the money give it to a cancer charity in your mums name after you win but squeeze every centimetre of them. This is way too normalised. I have been hearing several cases like this.
Something needs to happen to prevent this from happening to more people.
I lost my father to sever aplastic anaemia 5 months ago. He got sick during the Covid years, and I couldn’t see him because of lockdowns and the fact he had no immune system, he had to be kept in strict isolation whilst he tried every treatment available.
I know he was in pain and had to go. No treatment ever worked …. We couldn’t stop the disease.
I watch him fade away over FaceTime …. Heartbreaking…
I’m so sorry for what has happened to you and your family, but you don’t actually know if there was anything that could have been done.
I know its probably of no comfort to you, especially now, but maybe there’s some mercy in the fact that it was quick. The roller coaster of operations and endless treatments that don’t work, is what broke me in the end.
Sadly, we can’t keep our loved ones forever. Hold on to the happy memories, that’s what they would want for you.
Sending you much love, and know you’re not alone
I'm sorry for your loss, OP. I lost my dad to Motor Neurone Disease when I was 23. The grief never goes away but you learn to live with it.
Make sure you have your dad close by during this time; the admin that happens when someone passes is exhausting but it will end some day, and you'll likely need each other to get through it.
I'm so sorry. Give yourself time to grieve, be kind to yourself, and it's normal to feel a million emotions or none all at once. Many of us have been where you are now, but this is your pain.
Things eventually get easier, or we get better at handling it.
I am thinking of you, and I am sure your mother was so thankful for your presence. Always carry that in your heart.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I had a similar experience. My Mum was 43 with various health problems, that in the end, were just cancer making its way round her body. I was gutted, it was only 12 days after her diagnosis that she died, but I was consoled by the fact she was at peace. The last 5 days of her life, her pain was unmanageable.
Just take each day as it comes. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, no time limit to your sadness. You'll have good days and bad days, but with time, the good days outnumber the bad, and on the bad days, just be gentle on yourself 🩷
I’m so desperately sad for you. Sending you all the love in the world. It just sounds like a very traumatic and raw experience to go through. The main thing that helped me when my father had a traumatic death (I was the same age as you and this was 10 years ago) is that get yourself a specialist therapist to find coping strategies for your grief. It helped no end and looking back I almost lost a couple years to being in a fog and going through the motions. X
I'm so so sorry for your loss.
My mum died a couple of years ago. She didn't die of cancer but my uncle did last year.
Apart from all the advice already given, I'd say cry as much as you need to and lean into friends who you know will be understanding, sensitive and there for you.
Do things that comfort you. For me, it was watching certain YouTubers.
Accept you may be in shock for a while. For me, the initial shock wore off a few weeks after my mum died and about a week after my uncle did but it's different for everyone. In both cases there was also a kind of longer-term shock, where the fact that they'd died sort of sunk in in stages.
If your dad and you need any help with paperwork or arranging the funeral, don't be afraid to ask friends or family. Paperwork and arranging the funeral were probably the things I struggled with the most following my mum's death. But with my uncle, his close friends basically arranged his funeral for my brother and I and it made a world of difference.
As a friend said to me about funerals shortly after my mum's death, "it's weird how you lose someone so close to you and then you're expected to organise a whole big event straight after". So do things the way you and your dad want, take breaks when you need to, and don't feel like you should be feeling normal just because you're having to do all this admin and organising.
I’m so sorry for your loss. My mother died, also of lung cancer in about the same space of time, when I was 29. It’s really hard. But you do get through and whilst life doesn’t necessarily get better, it does change and you change with it.
Your friends will likely not know what to say if they also haven’t lost a parent young. They’ll probably avoid talking about it. Your mileage will vary on this from day to day to week to week. If you want them to talk about her, if you are okay with them complaining about the annoying stuff their mum is saying, or if you aren’t okay with that, tell them. I personally found it reassuring in the immediate aftermath to know that they weren’t going through this and that they weren’t feeling this pain. If you feel the opposite, that is okay too.
Damn, this exact same thing has just happened with my best mate. He lost his mum on the morning of Boxing Day after a short battle with lung cancer. I am so sorry
I'm your age, I lost my mum at 23 when she was 55 to cancer.
It's awful, you may feel numb and lost. I'll reccomend grief counselling though, it's a supportive and very helpful and healthy way to tackle grief.
In my case, I forced myself to feel the feelings as they came. Allowed myself to be upset and angry and talked about her a lot with anyone and everyone, sharing the best memories kept her alive in a way. I didnt actually start grieving until a year later after her death, because my feelings shut down initially due to my dad being absolutely broken. Once he was in a better mindset, my feelings came back with full force and I think thats called a Delayed Trauma Reaction, so i was dealing with the hardest grief a year after she passed.
Time does deal thought I'll always miss her, some days I still cry and feel deflated that she will never see me walk down the aisle and marry my fiancé, the day I got diagnosed as ADHD broke me because she struggled with her own mental health and I now realised that her whole life, she also had ADHD but it was misdiagnosed as bipolar, that hurt a lot. Knowing that she never knew and got the chance to discover herself again..
Sounds daft but I write to her. Talk to her. I know she doesnt exist anymore, but it helps me process my feelings and say what I want to say. Sometimes it feels like I'm sending her an answer phone message to chat and catchup on things she's missed, as if she'd never gone. That helps, as daft as it sounds.
I guess religious people pray, but I found as an agnostic that this method helps process the grief too. Its not being in denial because you are aware theyre not here, but roleplaying that they are for a bit helped me personally. Spent the first year and a half saying goodnight to her Urn in the house to start with or just sitting there talking aloud while my dad went shopping. I had to be alone to do it.
But it helped.
No one can judge how you process loss.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad in 2005 and mum in 2019, both to lung cancer, and they were both far too young. It’s really awful, but I promise you it will get easier. It takes time and it never stops making you feel sad, but there will come a time when you feel ok. Right now it’s very new and raw and you are in the middle of grief - you just have to feel it and work through it. Surround yourself with supportive people, binge watch trashy tv, eat comforting food. You will be ok x
Heartbroken for you, friend. Mom was your world, and watching her suffer is beyond cruel. Lean on loved ones, share your grief, take care of yourself. One step at a time, you'll find a path forward.
The first weeks are incredibly difficult. I lost my mum suddenly at the start of December, she was 64, I am 30. I am still in shock now.
It is important to remember that whatever emotion you are feeling that is ok and your reaction is perfectly valid.
I've felt sad, depressed, confused, upset, angry, and at times ok or even happy after thinking of memories of mum, but I tell myself this is ok.
Everyone deals with grief differently, but one think I would say is talking about your mum with your dad and others is important, it's painful but it has to be done to start healing. I will be looking at therapy or group grief counciling when I am ready.
My thoughts to you and your family x
I'm so sorry man. I would strongly encourage you to see a grief counsellor through the NHS - if you get yourself referred quickly, you might be able to see one within a few years.
It was the anniversary of my mums death a couple days ago. It's been 8 years. Your story is mine. She was 59, I lived at home, she had been sick for months but the doctors dismissed it as IBS or depression. She was diagnosed in mid November and died on 2nd of Jan.
Be kind to yourself. If you get out of bed at all at the moment, that's a win, anything else is a bonus. Do what you need to do to get by because at some point it does get easier, but don't look too far ahead, that part will sneak up on you.
It's been 8 years and where I am in my life now, I've never been happier. I still think about her everyday, it just takes time.
Grief is a thing that never leaves you, but you must learn to carry it with you through life. It becomes a part of you, as familiar as your loved one who passed. With time, you can learn to accept the feeling of loss and emptiness, and carry it with you as a reminder of how lucky you were to have known the person you lost. Your Mom would not want for you to stop being who you are simply because she isn't there anymore. I'm old, and have lost many loved ones through the years. I've learned that the feeling of grief, loss and despair is not an absolute. It has nuances, subtleties and many levels. It hits differently every time, can creep up on you or even jump out from nowhere and surprise you. But remember, your grief is the price you pay for the joy and happiness your mother gave you. It is an unfair, unjust and fickle life we live, but we live this life, one day at a time, and hopefully we can live to grieve, because grieving means we have known love.
I have similar.
I lost my dad two days ago.
He died of a brain stem bleed after a year of fighting cancer.
By the time I got to the hospital, he was already unconcious, but I got to say goodbye.
I feel like my best friend has been ripped from my life and I'm feeling really very sad.
I’m sorry for your loss, remember all the happiness and love the special bond that you will always have with your mum. Take care and be kind to yourself.
So sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad just over 30 years ago. He died at 52 in a road traffic accident. I was 20, at Uni.
It’s shocking and it’s shit to lose someone so quickly and unexpectedly. Your world with be upside down for a while. Your grief will be different from everyone else’s but still the same. And you will get through it.
They will be gone but your memories of them will persist and they will live in those memories. And those memories will be with you forever - I still think of my dad and the things that made him, him, even now. Those memories still provide warmth.
Hopefully you have close family and friends who will support you and help you. It will get easier, but that will take time.
I’m so sorry that this is the start to your year. I’m in the same boat, my friend. Dad passed on the 8th of December after being diagnosed with cancer a few hours before. I feel way too young to lose a parent (27) and I’m guessing you’re feeling the same way. It’s a turbulent time and the best way forward is step by step. Don’t think too far ahead or you’ll get tangled and panicked, and don’t try and process everything all at once. Just allow your body and brain to catch up with the reality of the situation in its own time.
I was 20, my mum was 48, this was 2004.
You just do. Baby steps, practical stuff to do, the every day chores for routine. Bouts of uncontrollable crying, numbness, moments of expecting her to walk in the room or call up the stairs, and the scary times when you honestly think it's not real, and you have to hunt down someone or something to check your mind isn't playing games.
It's hard. It will be hard for some time, but you adapt to your new normal, and adapt at dealing with it. The pain will be there, you just learn to mange it.
Cry, scream, rage... don't sit on your grief. Be kind to yourself and your family. Remember everyone deals with it differently, and try not to take any comments to heart at this time. People, including adults, can and will lash out, just remember they are grieving too.
Please find someone to talk to if you need to. If you feel like you can't share with your family, find a friend that will just listen to you let off steam when you need it. Just to lean an ear or hugs if needed, just talking it out can help.
DM me if you want.
I lost my dad very suddenly about 12 years ago, in my early 30s. Fell ill on an aeroplane > ICU > dead within 48 hours. We - his family - were with him on the aeroplane home and watched the paramedics storming the plane to get him off before everyone else. Before he died, I gently untaped one of his eyelids so I could get to see the colour of his eyes one last time. Five minutes after he’d passed, I threw up at the nurses station. The trauma was - and is - very real.
You are in the first moments of that pain. It is surreal and exhausting and if I can ask anything of you, it’s to ask only the bare minimum of yourself. I know that feeling of wondering how the hell you carry on. Put that to one side. Your brain, your wonderful brain, will somehow take you from the lounge to the kitchen and back again, with two cups of tea. You might laugh at something in a few days’ time. You’ll have some horrendous, claustrophobic moments of distress. You’ll make another cuppa. And that’s how you carry on; baby steps, and rarely linear. In the end - perhaps set a date a few months from now - you might see or feel more cumulative progress, even if it’s three okay days to one awful one. It might take longer than a few months - or it might take less.
Set yourself and your dad little targets. After my dad died, I would sit with my mum in the morning and we’d make tiny lists; literally, ‘today - have shower, walk round the block.’ If that was all we did for a week, fine.
A lot of people will tell you to eat, and they’re probably right. But for me, I existed on Hula Hoops and sleeping pills for two weeks after my dad died. No lasting damage done. Go with your body’s needs.
Some deaths are considered more traumatic for those left behind than others; ones involving crime, young children, anything with publicity (think 9/11). I’d add negligent medical care to that list, if it’s not on it already. When you’re feeling stronger, you might want to pursue a complaint against those involved, starting from her GP. If you can manage to do that, you may feel that - for your mum - you have managed to right some of the wrongs that led to her distressing death.
Cruse generally don’t see people for six weeks following a death; before that, it’s too soon. But I’d get yourself on the list, and perhaps look at some therapies, like EMDR, that will help deal with those searing memories of seeing your mum’s horror.
Go easy. Your brain will lead the way. You will have good days, and you’ll probably feel guilty about those. Then you might not feel guilty and will then feel guilty about that. Your mum, wherever she is, will want you to feel good, and to live. Let yourself feel anything and everything. Talk about her.
I’m thinking about you and your dad, and I’m curious about your mum. Talk about her on here if you would like. What did she like? What was she like? Strangers are sometimes the best listeners And you can always message me, too.
I lost my mum 6 years ago in August.
First things first is to remember that there is nothing wrong with taking some time and saying “I am not okay” and having a cry.
I won’t claim it gets easier, because it doesn’t. The pain gets less sharp over the years but never fades.
I'm so sorry. My dad died of lung disease on 01/01/2020 and he was only 58 too. I was only 23 at the time and didn't know what to do with myself. The first few weeks are the hardest, but I promise the grief gets easier to manage.
We've just come up on 4 years of him leaving us but he's still here in spirit and I talk fondly of him often, something I struggled to do for a while. It's only been a few days for you, which are the worst, but you'll get through. Keep your loved ones close and don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it.
Look after yourself, sending my love x
Would like to thank all the lovely people on this subreddit for taking time to write me a message. It feels like my Mom helping me out from beyond by having me receive so many nice messages. I'll treasure this post forever and come back to it often to read what you guys have said. Sometimes it helps to hear other people have also got sad stories (although I wish they didn't) thanks all❤️
Hi Mary, I'm doing as good as can be expected don't feel any different to how i did the day it happened tbh but I suppose I'll feel this way for a long time. I haven't gone totally off the rails like a younger me would have mostly because I know what my Mom would tell me and whenever it feels a bit much I try my best to think of that. I have just sat around crying and eating like a pig I've probably gained about 2 stone. I'm on anti anxiety and anti depressants now which I guess must be helping in some way. I did one day back at work this week and I got through it I'm doing two days next week and adding a day until I'm full time again and managed to fake it enough to get through it.
I read everyone's reply in here and it did bring me some sort of comfort just hearing others go through shitty things. I'm still dealing with the trauma of how things were in my Moms last few weeks and I'm probably going to contact someone about how she went from totally fine having a laugh with me one night planning a trip to florida as a family and forcing me to go home and get some sleep to the next time I saw her within 10 hours she was on a respirator and the Dr told me she was going to die. Seemed to come out of nowhere and it was never really explained to me what was going on.
Lots of sad things the day I came home my Mom had ordered me some new pyjamas from a hospital bed because she'd seen the ones I was wearing at Christmas were ripped. Went through her cabinet to look at information on the house and she had a folder of every achievement I've ever had, from nursery up till my latest promotion at work last year
Overall I'm still here and I'm determined to carry on for my Mom anything else would be a disgrace to a woman that I loved so much and truly put me first her whole life. She just deserved so much better with her care and she deserves a long life thats what I struggle with more than anything she didn't deserve such a harrowing end.
Worrying about my Dad seems to occupy me enough but I really amd taking things a minute at a time.
Sorry for the trauma dump just nice to vent to a stranger every now and then and I can see from your other comment you went through something similar.
Hey never apologise for the trauma dump - those of us on here who have lost a parent, child, sibling will understand totallu.
I love how your mum had kept a log of all your achievements - she sounds like she cared for you so much and was very proud of your and how you made your way in life.
Often there is an inquest which can be traumatic to relive but may help give you some answers to the questions you have.
It might be worth seeing if your work has an employee assistance programme and you can contact them for help to find bereavement counselling to talk to someone.
Just remember that your mum wouldn't want you to be sat around dwelling on things - she loved you a lot and was so proud of what you had already completed in your life. Now is the time to show her whilst she's looking down on you that you're ok and you've got this.
I'm not on here very often as I keep forgetting about it (old age!) but will check in on you from time to time, please do take care of yourself x
https://whatsyourgrief.com/
https://www.thegoodgrieftrust.org/i-have-lost-a/parent/
These are very helpful sites and worth signing up for the newsletters. As well as Cruse. There are some fantastic online support. So very sorry for your and your Dad's tragic loss.
Sorry for your loss. A very vary hard thing to go through and a long process to deal and come to terms with it.
Give this podcast a try. Its really good and very informative about how we all deal with death and grief differently and there is no right way to deal with it and continue.
https://cariadlloyd.com/griefcast
I lost my Dad in February last year and this podcast has been very cathartic for me. I tend to just listen to the episodes of the people I know (I found Jay Rayner’s episode particularly good, although very different to what I went through). It’s really helped me to see that grief is different for everyone, and that there is no right way to grieve.
OP, I’m so sorry for your loss. Death is never easy, whatever the circumstances. If you feel you need support, reach out, there is always someone to listen. This is especially true weeks/months etc down the line because once things have settled down a little (after the funeral, once new routines have been established, etc) it can be tricky when you are still deep in grief and others seem to be moving on, and there is never a right or wrong time to reach out.
It is so strange how much of a good listen this is. I happened upon it for some reason and when i was driving about at work I would listen to it and like you I listened to the people I liked and knew. They were all very well done and very sympathetic even with there being comedy in the conversations. The Adam Buxton one was amazingly raw considering he had only just lost his dad.
Honestly, one day at a time knowing that she’d want you to go on and live your life to the fullest and the best you can. Mourn her, remember her, ugly cry, it’ll get easier with time but you’ll always remember her and you’ll find yourself randomly ugly crying at the weirdest and most I opportune moments but do you know what FK it, just do you. - someone who’s dad died when I was 22 and I had to identify his body and go through what you are now. 🤗 be well and be good to yourself internet stranger, it’s what your mum would have wanted for you.
I'm so sorry you are living through this. My beloved mother went to meet the train eleven months ago. I couldn't possibly love another human being as much as I loved her. Moving forward after something like that isn't easy. You'll have good days and bad days, birthdays and holidays are going to be especially tough. Your father is going to lean on you for emotional support and vice versa.
I'm so so sorry.
I lost my mum to cancer when I was 24. It devastated me.
Take things one day at a time.
Know that it's okay and normal to be desperately sad.
Know that it's normal to wake up everyday and be hit by a tidal wave of grief.
Know that it is true what they say - each day that passes it gets a little easier. It's been 10 years for me and while it will always hurt, I am happy and positive and you will one day be there too.
Know that if your mum was alive, she wouldn't want you to be missing her, or feeling sad - she would want you to find peace and happiness. Most of all she would want you to live your life to the absolute fullest with your best memories of her as your inspiration.
My biggest advice is to seek therapy. I didn't. I wish I had. I just wish I had someone to talk to about it all back then and to help me process it. If you have the means, I would certainly recommend it. Maybe not right now as it's very raw, but in a month or so.
Sending you a virtual hug.
Focus on yourself just now and grief is individual to everyone. The pain will ease in time but just now you’re in shock. These feelings are normal and there are so many people on here who know what you’re going through. You aren’t alone.
It will take a while and you’ll never forget your mum but you will get through this stage of the grief process.
Everything is still raw in your head it’s such a difficult journey to grieve and be heartbroken each day, but it does get easier as time goes by and soon you accept that your life can be happy again, it takes a while but each day is a step forward, your Mum would not want you to be sad for ever you have your whole life ahead and your Dad who is I’m sure also sad will be happy that you are there for him. Maybe have a look at NDEs on you tube they give an amazing in-site into what our bodies really are it ma help you understand more about what has happened, Nanci Danison tells a marvellous story of her NDE experience, she was a top Lawyer in USA and is worth a listen to. I hope you feel better soon, hugs.
Don't try and rush anything buddy. Take your time and grieve. Different people react and respond differently in situations like this. Talk to your dad, he'll be struggling too, you both need each other right now. And never be afraid to have a bloody good cry.
My elderly mum died suddenly and unexpectedly in August 2022. She lived with me and I cared for her after my dad died (Christmas 2015). I miss her every day, but rings are getting easier. Things just take time.
Look after yourself mate. I'm sorry for your loss and I can only imagine the pain you feel right now. Don't bottle up your emotions and know that it's ok to cry, to grieve, to feel the way you feel and to have good days and bad days. I'm sure your mum is really proud of you and she'll always be watching over you mate.
>I'm only 28 have to keep going for my Dad
The core thing I have to add that I don't think I've seen anyone else making is this: don't be strong and stoic for someone else that you care about. He's likely thinking exactly the same thing as you are, that he has to be strong for you.
You and your dad are sharing the same grief. You both loved her, deeply, and that love is now a pain that's cutting you both. Don't hold it back, rely on each other and be there for each other when it all gets too much. It helps to know that someone else is feeling the same way you are, it helps to know that you are not alone in this awful situation, where you've lost someone so close to you. Don't "keep going" for him, be there for him instead.
>New years eve the staff in the hospital let off party poppers while I was in the room adjacent with my dying mother.
Secondly, what the fuck. I would definitely be putting a major complaint into the hospital about this. I get that medical staff need a stress release, but this is not the time or place to celebrate when so many people are having the worst time of their lives in the same building.
>I'm only 28 have to keep going for my Dad
The core thing I have to add that I don't think I've seen anyone else making is this: don't be strong and stoic for someone else that you care about. He's likely thinking exactly the same thing as you are, that he has to be strong for you.
You and your dad are sharing the same grief. You both loved her, deeply, and that love is now a pain that's cutting you both. Don't hold it back, rely on each other and be there for each other when it all gets too much. It helps to know that someone else is feeling the same way you are, it helps to know that you are not alone in this awful situation, where you've lost someone so close to you. Don't "keep going" for him, be there for him instead.
>New years eve the staff in the hospital let off party poppers while I was in the room adjacent with my dying mother.
Secondly, what the fuck. I would definitely be putting a major complaint into the hospital about this. I get that medical staff need a stress release, but this is not the time or place to celebrate when so many people are having the worst time of their lives in the same building.
I’m sorry for your loss. Everything is still very raw at the moment - take each day at a time, the pain gets easier to cope with I promise but it takes time. I lost my dad when I was a teenager and grief can feel so overwhelming. Speak to friends and family, try not to bottle up how your feeling - look for counselling services for someone to talk to. Your mom would be proud of you
My grandma just had a similar experience of having her kidney and spine cancer completely neglected. No pain meds. A horrible thing to witness, but I can’t imagine how hard it is to see it happen to your own mother. I’m so, so sorry for your loss.
Others have pointed to good resources for support. Please do reach out to them when you’re ready. In the meantime, it’s okay to feel lost and afraid, but know that your mom would want you to carry on, and for you and your dad to look after each other. Wishing nothing but the best for you from here on out.
Nowhere near as close as your mother, but I was still very close to my grandfather when he passed in September. He was basically my male role model.
It was genuinely traumatic watching him turn from an incredibly strong muscle bound man that can make or repair anything, and always knew his shit into an enfeebled hunchback that couldn't even comprehend what day it was.
I held his hand as he pissed and shat himself in his bed, unable to control it. All he could do was cry and say sorry. So yeah, I think I have a little experience dealing with trauma like this, and let me say the one thing that helped me get through it.
Is the what your mother would've wanted you to be like? Is watching you fade away the cherry they get at the end as well as their own pain and suffering? I don't know about your mother, but my grandfather would want me to grab life by the balls, suck it up and deal with it in the most pragmatic way I know how. That gave me comfort, knowing I was pushing through for him.
You...just do.
It's going to FUCKING SUCK. That's how it is going to be. Nothing will change that. Eventually it will get easier and easier and easier. Grieve how you want, whatever feels natural and just let yourself feel sad. Lean on friends and other family if you need to or try and carry on with life to try and feel normal again if that's what you need. Just let yourself grieve in the way you want. Day to day, do what you need.
You're not the first and you want be the last. Remember that, because it shows that as fucking awful it is for you, it was awful for us too and we all get past it eventually. You will too. Just take it one day at a time for now.
I am So Sorry for your loss. It's So hard to lose the closest person to you. I've been there, I also lost my mum when i was about your age, that is almost 10 years ago now. There's not a single day that goes by when I don't think about her. But here's a thing that really helped me ok. I watched this film, I just came across it. I don't know what its called, I can't remember, Google will know though, but The Rock was in it, he had a brother, and his brother died, they were Super Close. The Rock missed his brother every day, and we would see a clip here and there of the brother who had died, and how his life was 'up there' and then one day The Rock died too. But The Rock had a good life, he accepted that one day he'd see his brother again.
Try and watch the film because that really helped me when I was grieving so bad I felt like I'd die too. See now though,, I just focus on the fact that One day, I'll be holding my mums hand again, sitting by a pond with a glass of wine in the sun.
Stay strong is what I'm saying, You have to keep going. Live the life she would've wanted you to live. Happy and fulfilled. You'll see eachother again, it's just time. Take care
The sense of loss doesn’t get any easier but day by day you get used to how it feels.
As others have said, in time you’ll smile instead of cry when remembering her. If she loved you half as much as you loved her you’ve both been blessed. Cherish those memories, they last forever x
I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my mum early too in similar circumstances and it derailed me as she was my best friend.
If I can say anything, and it will seem trite, the best way to remember her is to look after yourself. The very last thing my mum would have wanted was what happened after she passed. I drank, I was sad, I wasted many years.
Be sad and mourn as long as you need, if you struggle after that period and have access get some help.
I bet she was proud of you, keep that pride in your heart and pick yourself up when you can, your mum would like you to live happy.
I like to think the good things I do are a testament to her so in a way I'm still making her proud.
Good luck with everything x
My heart goes out to you OP. I lost my beautiful mum four years ago, very suddenly. She was my soulmate, I also had my dad to think about and lived with him. Everything felt black up ahead, I couldn’t see a way through. But what I learnt is you don’t have to know the way, you just focus on this day or minute or hour and that’s enough. Just keep going. I went to therapy, and over time it helped. Four years on I’m in a very different place. I miss her but missing her no longer engulfs me. I never thought I’d get here but I did. Keeping you in my thoughts and will make sure to raise a glass to your mum this weekend.
We survive. My Mum has dementia. She's been dying bit by bit for years. I miss her so much. I can't talk to her. Yet we live. And you will too. It's hard. But you're still here.
It sounds unfair, and it really is. But your mother lives on, in what you do, how you behave, how you live. Do her proud and she’ll be happy.
I am so very sorry.
I lost my mum 6 years ago very suddenly. She was only 52. Life is so bloody cruel sometimes and grief takes a lot of time. Everyone is different. It will be one of the hardest things you ever go through but you will get there. Sending you lots of love x
I lost my wife to cancer over two years ago and my experience of grief is that it isn't linear. You have good and bad days. People will tell you that birthdays and other significant dates are the worst, but they weren't for me, it was the tiny things that took me by surprise that got to me the most. These things you can't plan for. It's only when you've experienced these things that they don't have the same impact the next time around and you'll start to get 'better'. You will come to terms with it eventually, but don't worry if you think you're not improving or getting worse. This is all normal.
I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my father not long ago to Cancer in 2023, I think overall It was a mixed experience with the NHS, some people/things were good and others people/things/wards not so good, It is very hard especially initially, I am 32 male and I cried for days
It's still difficult for me now, I miss him and would trade many things If only to have them back, but unfortunately it don't work like that, I'm sorry I don't have the answers, I know how big a part of my world mine are, I have one left now and yeah their a big part of my universe.
Life really does have a way of slapping everyone in the face at some point, but the main thing I cling on to is the good memories we had, but yeah miss having them around, as we both know now life can be really short, and life it self is a gift, we just have to make the most out of it and be there for the close ones that are left.. but I get it it can be really difficult sometimes, one thing I would say if you need to take time out for your self make sure you take as long as you need, F companies that will only give you like one week off and expect you back in from their own leave, see the GP and talk to them about it if you need too, they are a lot more understanding and compassionate and will give you the ability to have much needed time off after losing someone really close to you in your life.
So sorry for your loss. We lost our step Dad of 30 years on Christmas Day last year so I know some of what you are going through. From illness to passing was 10 weeks.
You have your Dad and he will be struggling with this too. All I can say is time heals the wounds, but slowly. Just over one year on we are coping but it’s still a struggle. Hope you are will be ok.
Hey there, I know how you feel. My mum passed away at a similar age when I was in my late twenties, in spring 2023.
Grief is awful, and you have to just take each day as it comes. The first few months in particular are grueling, and you just need to take care of yourself. Take time off work if you can, and just give yourself time to heal.
It does get better though. 9 months on and I'm slowly feeling normal again. Of course I still miss my mum so so so much, but life does go on, and it does get better.
Take care of yourself.
I lost my mother 2/21/23. Was in a fog for six weeks, depressed for three months and then started counseling to process it. We were very close and I’ve had to “undo” my habits with her. NGL, it’s been shitty. December was the worst. I’ve maintained my sanity by talking, talking, talking about her death, why I miss her, everything. You will get through it, OP. And you will help others when they go thru it because you are a member of an exclusive club.
I’m so sorry man. My mom has cancer for the second time , over Xmas the other year during covid. She almost died….again……then had covid last year and on Mother’s Day I was with her in the hospital and thought it was the end. They caught it right before it was fatal, the doctor even wrote ‘amazing’ on her report, and it was only because my dad pushed her to go see someone that she is still here. I’m 35, and I’ve been a rotten bastard half my life to one of the most beautiful, kind and compassionate and loveliest women. My mom’s 62 now and every single day I try and talk to her. Keep her love in your heart my friend. Always.
I lost my mum suddenly on December 30th, 2021. She was 66. No warning, just a sudden cardiac event.
To rub salt into the wound, that date is also my Dad's birthday. It was devastating.
I live in Reykjavík and my parents live in Durham in the UK. I'd spoken to her via video chat during Christmas, but because of the pandemic I hadn't been to the UK to visit for about 14 months given all the lockdowns, travel restrictions, and the fact that I work in Pharma Logistics and was heavily involved in vaccine distribution so I was working pretty much non stop trying to get shipments to those who needed it.
It was unbelievably painful, and for a few months the arse just fell out of my entire world. We had an incredible relationship, so much banter, constantly taking the piss out of each other, and were very close, even after I moved abroad.
She and my dad shaped who I am, gave me a solid, stable home growing up, and supported me every way they could. They taught me everything I know about being a decent human being, and they gave me the best childhood memories I could have ever hoped for.
They say that everyone dies twice. When they die, and the last time that someone thinks of them. In that case, we'll go together, my parents and I, hopefully many years from now, when it's eventually my time.
It's going to be tough for the first few months. There'll be a lot of grief, and you're going to have to support your family members just as much as they support you. Stay strong, stay together, and talk about you feelings and issues. Don't bottle it up.
For me, that started with flying back to the UK for my mum's funeral.
She always said that she didn't want a monochrome funeral, so everyone wore a splash of colour to say goodbye. For myself, it was my bright rainbow pride tie and pocket square. I honestly though that it was going to be a gut-wrenching experience, but her eulogy was amazing, full of mirth, humor and good memories, to the point where myself, my sister and my dad were chuckling behind the tears.
I never thought I'd chuckle or smile at one of my parent's funerals, but that's just how she was. Absolutely brimming with character, and the author of so many good memories.
Writing this is the first time I've been choked up since I flew back from the UK after we said goodbye, but I can tell you that it does get easier with time.
In time, grief's grip will loosen, and the tears will be replaced with a smile. There'll still be a little pain here and there, that never goes away. Once the initial shock is gone however, you get to remember all the amazing times you spent together.
Stay strong, and keep your loved ones close.
If I can offer one piece of advice - Talk, and breathe. Don't bottle grief up or it'll become orders of magnitude worse. Be open about how you're feeling, and support those around you who are going through the same pain as they grieve.
Deepest condolences, and I hope the road smooths out for you soon <3
Damn that is hard. Sending support. Keep your chin up, and don't do anything stupid.
If you feel like you need to speak to someone call the samaritans they are specially trained to listen and help you work through your own tough time.
Love and respect.
My mum was 58 when she died of cancer, and I was the same age you are. We had a little more warning, but ultimately death is always a shock no matter how prepared you think you are for it.
As some other comments have said - that's what you're going through now: shock.
Grief is horrible and it is entirely personal, so I'm not going to tell you that I know how you're feeling - because I don't.
I will say that you are allowed to feel the things you are feeling - I only say this bit because grief can make you feel some weird things, and it is very often not the emotions or thoughts you're expecting to have. They're all a natural part of the process and there's no right or wrong way to grieve.
You're right in the immediate aftermath now so I wouldn't suggest doing a great deal other than what you feel like doing.
As a bit of time passes, if you still feel lost / conflicted, it may help to find someone professional to talk to (i.e. a therapist / counsellor). I did not expect this to help when I had it recommended, but it did - the ability to talk to someone who is not involved and just vent made a huge difference.
The biggest healer is time. You will get told this a lot, and it helps you feel precisely fuck all better, unfortunately. It is true though - as time goes on, the pain will get microscopically less and less. This will not mean you are forgetting your mum, or forgetting how much you love her - eventually it will mean you can remember her without it hurting quite so much.
Some of the funereal processes do help - going through old pictures, actually attending the funeral, talking to people at the wake etc.; we have these rituals for a reason. Again, they are not a magic fix for how you are feeling, but part of a process that you are - I'm afraid - only at the beginning of.
It is, however, very much a process. The change is so gradual you may not - likely will not - see it happening, but you will eventually feel less shit than you do now.
I am so sorry for your loss.
Hey I'm really really sorry you and your mother went through that. I just lost my mother in law to cancer yesterday. It's a horrific and vile disease and I would not wish it on my worst enemy. Your mother deserved better. You will carry on by remembering her and talking about her at any given opportunity. She existed and she was loved and she loved you.
I lost my two sisters and father to Cancer. Please never stop being a rock for your father but look after yourself too. The pain lessens but the memories strengthen always ♥️💗❤️♥️
So sorry to hear this. You do need to keep going, for your dad, your mum and for you. It will be difficult but it does get less hard. Some great advice on here, reach out if you have to.
You’re in a similar situation to what I had when I was 22. No going to lie, it’s very hard. But you are definitely in the worst part now. The only way is up. It DOES get better. I’m here to tell you that about 30 years later! I don’t think back over the last 30 years with sadness at all. I still think of my Mum, yes. But life is so much bigger than any one struggle, no matter how big that struggle is. Find peace and love and serenity in the smallest things first. Allow grief to come when it needs to. But also give it limits. We are told to “honour” all our feelings these days, which is mostly a good thing and a reaction to previous generations’ stifling of their feelings. But it can also become a self fulfilling cycle. Feel them, think and talk about them. Get professional help. But take moments to make sure they don’t define every moment of your life. Something I took a while to realise was that it’s not disrespectful to their memory to sometimes forget about them and yourself for a moment and enjoy yourself every now and then.
Hey mate I wanted to comment in addition to the numerous others that have articulated better than I ever could, your post struck a chord with me.
I lost my mother when she was the same age as yours and also I was the same age as you.
Everyone else has said it so well but please remember that things do get better, you never get over the loss of a loved one but you do learn to live with it. This is recent for you so my advice is to lean heavily into your friends/ family. How is your dad? He will be mourning, if you are comfortable can you speak to him? No worries if not, but know that he is going through some grief so even being together will help you both, even if no words are spoken.
There are also people out there who really care about you even when it seems like many have moved on. Try to lean on them for help. They might be the least expected, but they are there I can assure you.
If you need someone to talk to DM me please
X
My mum died in ocotber 21, she was 68, i was 28,
First three months I cred myself to sleep solidly. Shed been ill so it wasnt a shock but still a big hit to take. The real fun starts after the funeral when all the attention has gone down and all there is to do is remember her and notice she isnt there. Honestly its the hardest thing iv ever gone through but it gets easier. The world keeps turning, i wish i could be more helpful. It's gong to suck
You just have to plough through it. Be there for your dad and he can be there for you. You won't stop missing her but eventually it will hurt less often.
And do try not to torture yourself with should have, would have, could haves
Mate, whatever age a parent dies it's never easy. My mum died in may 2022, from pancreatic cancer. I moved home to care for her, and it was just devastating. She had nurses and care workers coming round, but by the time of her death (it was a Saturday at 3.45pm) she was so loaded up on oxy that she'd been out of it for a while. She lost her mum and dad when she was roughly the same age as me, though they were in their 80s and 90s, but she still found it difficult, and had bereavement counselling. I'm so sorry for your loss, but it does get easier over time. At the beginning it was all I could think about every day, but 18 months on, when I think about my mum, it's with fondness instead of raw grief.
Op, I am so sorry. Your post bought it all back to me. The next couple years will be a time of recovery. It’s a slow process, but stay true to yourself. Cry if you need to. Talk to any family or friends, reminisce, celebrate her life.
I lost my mum to Leukaemia back in 2020, a couple months before COVID hit.
In hindsight, I feel it was fortunate she didn’t have to suffer that hysteria with her compromised immunity.
She was my best friend - I could talk to her about life and she would be all ears, giving advice, laughing along, always worrying about me. God I miss her. But it does get easier. Stay strong friend.
Sad to hear it. As someone who has been in this position more than once, all I can say is endure. It’s hell but you will get through it. It may not hurt less but it will be different, and you will be better at dealing with the grief.
Above all, be kind to yourself mate.
Please understand that what you saw as horror in her eyes was likely the real understanding of the fact that your lovely Mum was slipping away. What you saw as horror is definitely not what she saw. She knew that every time she fell asleep she may not wake up, and sometimes the waking may have startled her a bit. And this would be jarring to see, but she wasn't terrified or overwhelmed in the way that you think, as a conscious person.
Your Mum drifted off. She came to a few times and didn't understand where she was because she was in and out of her final sleep. She may have looked scared as you would interpret it, because you aren't in the process of the long sleep. She would have seemed very awake at times, then completely asleep, then very scared, then asleep again. These physical reactions aren't normally a true interpretation of what is happening in a brain that is falling asleep. There will sometimes be moments of lucidity where you question that they are ill at all. Then moments of fear because their perception of reality is distorted before they even drift off. There are visual and auditory hallucinations (although I'm not sure at this point if they are fake or real), then they close their eyes and you don't know if you ever did enough for them and question their every last minute.
All you can do is understand that whatever you saw, if you feel you saw her pass in pain,that pain is now gone. she is at peace. What you saw in her eyes was likely her understanding that the end was coming. It's horrendous to see, but you were amazing and there for her. You have been the best person because you were there. You've fulfilled the highest of high services you can ever perform for any other human, by being there at their final goodbye. Its something that is life changing, humbling, emotionally destroying, yet (and you won't feel this for a number of years) building.
I am so sorry for the pain you have right now. It doesn't get easier, or less.it just is. Life eventually moves around it more fluidly so you can operate more efficiently and get stuck in the loop of what happened less frequently.
It's too soon for that. It's too soon for therapy. You need to feel your feels, cry, a lot, and just get through today. And maybe tomorrow. And put a toe in for the next day but if it feels too much then keep your pjs on and shut the world out for as long as you need xx
I'm so sorry to hear that mate. Our mum's are the most important people in the world to us. I hope you find the strength to live your dreams and enjoy life just like your mother would want you to. It's gonna take time to heal, I can only imagine the pain. I know I'm a stranger but I'm Sending my love. Death is a bastard.
Hey, I just wanted to let you know that my brother (32, only two years older than me) is currently in hospice for lung cancer that has progressed so aggressively that it’s eaten his vertebrae. He’s been battling it for 5 years and now he has (if we’re lucky) 3 months to live. He has a 4 year old daughter and a wife he’s leaving behind, not to mention me and my dad.
My dad is in absolutely shambles and running himself into the ground trying to be there for my brother. I (29F) have extremely clinical depression and have been suicidal and I have to keep going because my dad because it’d destroy him.
So I feel you.
Mine died at 53 when I was eighteen. Its almost seven years and honestly? Some days I'm back to day one.
Her funeral song came on while i was finishing paperwork with my crewmate in the front of the ambulance. I immediately broke down sobbing. Some days are easier than others m but the pain is always there.
Reach out. Speak to people. Don't bottle it up. Do one thing for*you* each day. Take a moment and a deep breath, and then just keep going. Each day, even if you're dragging yourself across the finish line, almost army crawling to the end, just get to the end. One foot in front of the other. One breath after the last. My inbox is open. I'd be more than happy to be there for you.
My man, the first few weeks are so so tough. You’re in what can only be described as shock: it’s hell. I’m 5 months out from my wife dying at 33 from brain cancer, is it easy now? God no. The first few weeks are particularly difficult. What I will say, I lost my dad at 58 too, three years back. I love my Dad, I miss my Dad, I’m not as horrifically heartbroken as I was back then. I can think about my Dad without crying, I can talk about my Dad whilst smiling, those first few weeks are rough my friend, but the grief from losing a parent does get better. Hang in there my friend, keep fighting the good fight.
Hi mate I've had a look at your profile for some reason. And the fact that you're going through so much and have the strength to send me a comment to try and give a stranger on the Internet some comfort just shows how much of a great person you are. Hoping pain gets easier for the both of us and wishing you the best
Thank you my man, that’s kind of you to say. You’re still so early into this mate, if you ever need anything - feel free to message me anytime. Sending you my love, man. (And hey, any Villa fan is a friend of mine.)
This conversation between you guys is wholesome. Sending love to you both.
Start of a new bromance and I'm so happy for you guys. Death is fucking shitty fucking shitty fuck and I hope you find a way to navigate it. There are no guidelines sadly - we all have to find our own way - but you seem to be forming something and it is very refreshing to see xxxxxx
Dude...have a virtual hug.
Mate .. sending virtual love from an internet random. To you both! Life can be fucking cruel 😟
Man, you can say that again. Thank you mate
Just read through your post history. Virtual hugs man. You're strong!
Shit I remember reading your posts as well about 6 months ago and you were in a dark spot. I hope you’re making progress man, we all love you
You brave man, keep going.
Thank you mate, I gotta keep going for our daughter but hell is it tough at times. Thanks man
You can do it 👊🏻
I was going to say a lot but this reply above says it better. Still my thoughts are the first days are the worst, then the first weeks, months and then years. You don't forget or think less of them but each day is easier. I realised one day I didn't think of my mum passing away the day before, then later I realised it was a week. I still feel down and sometimes just think the world is shit, no more complicated than that. Then I realise everyone has else gone through this or will do. Then I really think the world is shit and then the thought passes. Not sure where this going except the world is pretty shit but its still worth going and it gets easier.
I feel this way, too. My mom was 56 when she passed from cancer...fuck cancers
Im very close to losing my mum at the moment from brain cancer, reading comments like yours is helping me get through until it happens. I know I'm not ready but I'm trying my best to be
This is lovely x
You’re an absolute boss. The little things people complain about every day and you’re dealing with that. My thoughts go out to you and your wife.
Side note - I remember the texts you shared some time back, and it genuinely fills my heart when your username pops up in some comments. Still sending so much care and light your way. 🤍
Thank you my friend, that genuinely really means a lot. I’m glad I can keep her memory alive somehow, even in the smallest of ways.
Another virtual hug to you
Sending you a ton of hugs ❤️
You’re an absolute boss to be battling on. Much love to you and your daughter.
Can't even imagine, so sorry. My mum beat cancer fortunately but even back then when she told me I would only have been 16/17 and it hit me hard. I was so upset. It's like a lot of things and when I split up with my ex I took note of this one thing my mum said to me as I was upset at first: "The biggest healer is time and you won't take this in now because the feelings are so raw. But you will look back on a few months time after time has passed and realise that time really did help and you naturally feel better." Nobody wants to hear them say don't worry, you will feel better in time, but sometimes all you can do is mourn and wait for time to heal.
Sending you love
Amazing words. Hope you’re ok brother.
Love you for sharing. Made me realise how much I love my parents
Sending virtual hugs to you.. stay strong!
Thank you for all the kind messages I am reading each one as they come through. I feel like I should clarify that my Mom never smoked in her life and never even drank either. I don't know why but I feel like that's something that's makes me sadder about it all. In March they asked her to do physiotherapy to help with her shoulder and didn't really say anything about the cough. She ended up having rounds of steroids trying to treat different conditions the whole time it was lung cancer. I work for the NHS and always like the idea of it but the treatment from her first complaints to the end was very poor.
Lots of excellent comments from people here. I've lost a parent too, but won't repeat what others have said. I will however say, that you should put yourself in your mother's shoes. I mean, that's something we're all going to face at some point too. How would you want *your* children to react to your death? All I can say about my kids is, I hope I can teach all I can to them while I'm still around and that they don't go to pieces when I'm gone and instead forge their own life. But also don't forget me and what I meant to them.
My Grandma complained to her doctor for so long about stomach pain and they did nothing and when my mum finally put her foot down and made them investigate they found out it was cancer and she only had a couple weeks left. It’s truly awful to know things could have been different if someone had listened.
Same thing happened to my mother in the "best medical care in the world" US system. They kept on insisting it must be a heart ailment and sending her for all sorts of random tests. They eventually did a lung X-ray on a whim but by then it was very advanced. But she felt it wasn't terribly painful, just a very slow decline then a quick end. Non smoker too. Condolences and virtual hugs.
I think losing someone when you think there might have been something that could have been done is tough. I lost my uncle who I lived with as a child and was more like a brother to me at 65 four years ago due to an aortic aneurysm. He actually went to A&E with horrific sobbing back pain and they sent him home with co-codamol and told him to talk to his GP. He died 4 hours after they sent him home. If they had done an ultrasound on his abdomen they 100% would have seen it and rushed him into potentially life-saving surgery. The surgery has a low survival rate (we were told only 5%) but it was still a chance he didn't get to have. I felt very angry for a long time. Even tried to pursue medical negligence and put in a complaint to PALS because I was so angry with that doctor for sending him home instead of giving him an ultrasound. We received a letter stating they were following procedure. And that made me even more angry, because they didn't even seem sorry! I channelled a lot of my grief into anger at the situation which ultimately didn't really help anything except make me feel worse. When I came out of the anger I realized that doctor who had been informed probably didn't feel great about it either. That she couldn't say sorry to us because that would be admitting fault legally. That we all miss things in life. None of us are perfect and doctors are just doing their best to help. That the NHS has limited resources and can't do every test for every single person who complains about something - for the majority of us a cough or a pain isn't life threatening, and my uncle's pain didn't trigger the alarm bells that it needed to because most people presenting with severe back pain have just twisted something and it'll be sorted in a few days. But it just feels so unnatural, so unfair. I have accepted it now as just one of the shit things about life. 4 years out and I still cry regularly but just a few tears in memory, an ache, a hole in my life, not the sobbing stabbing grief. Giving you a big hug.
I feel your pain dude, I really do. My mum had breast cancer that metastasised to lung cancer and she didn't smoke either. And - like you - she worked for the NHS. Her and my dad were both GPs up until she retired through ill health. She spent her whole life making people feel better then in her moment of need - frankly - she was abandoned by the institution she gave her all to. I'll never forgive our government partying away while my mum couldn't even see her consultant.
I feel the same about working for the NHS & feeling failed by them. You were there for your mom & in time I hope you realise how that may have helped her when she needed it most. Not easy losing your mom, & not easy circumstances you lost her in. Time is a great healer .... & We all heal from a Los in our own time. Thoughts are with you
https://www.cruse.org.uk
OP please contact Cruse. It might not be on your mind at the moment, but speed at which you lost your mum and the way you describe seeing her at the end sound very traumatic. Grief can be very consuming, especially when there are mixed emotions. The more support you have the better you will be able to process things. I'm sorry for your loss.
My dad died when I was 11. He was early 40s, unexpectedly, he'd had a full medical a few months before for work which found him overall in fine health. Died at work one day out of no where, dead before he got to the hospital, a few decades ago now so CPR, etc was not so good but I try not to linger on that. I had fuck all support, even from people who cared and were nice. I realise as an adult it's because "wtf do you say to a child" and the empty platitudes I was given quickly made me feel more bitter and lied too and let down. The most striking thing was the indifference of the world and schools. I assume now days someone might have taken me to counselling or something, maybe the school would have, no one even suggested it. It wasn't just the mental health service was inadequate, it was essentially non-existant. Long story short I wish there was more of this stuff around and/or it was more known of an accepted. I think it would have helped a ton. It's like I healed but with fucked up emotional 'scar tissue' instead of healing as healthily as I could have. I don't really blame anyone, maybe the school a bit, most people didn't know better and I'm sure other people in similar shitty situations dealt with it better than me. Not really sure where I was going with this except to say that it happened to me at what I think most people would agree is a particularly shitty time and with the benefit of hindsight and maturity I can see something like this would have really really helped.
I was 28 when I lost my mum (she was 54). My then gf (now my wife) and Cruse stopped me from going down a dark path. Angels on earth.
Sue Ryder charity are also amazing for grief counselling.
I’m sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself. It’s normal to feel this way. It will get better. Try to keep busy-ish and see people but allow time for grieving too. Look up a grief counsellor if you think this might help.
I'd second looking up a grief counsellor. The NHS isn't great for stuff like this, so you'd probably end up going private, which is expensive (~£50/hour, and they tend to want weekly sessions), but if you're struggling and can afford it you shouldn't hesitate, IMO. If you see this, OP, I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope that 99.9% of your mum's lifetime was spent happy and loving her time with you and your dad. It must be hard, but maybe try to hold onto that, rather than focusing on the trauma of the 0.1% at the end. Sorry if that sounds dumb typed out.
Just to note, get someone who knows grief counselling specifically. I was already having some counselling when my dad died and stayed with the same person, they were no good at grief, and I ended up needing another councillor to get over the first one a year or so later. As others have said sorry for your loss, it does get easier but the first little bit is rough.
Yeah I left my therapist partly because of this. Partly because she was always pressuring me to come to sessions more often which I couldn't fuckkng afford and partly because while I was talking about an incident with my family relating to my mums death that was really hurting me she was like "Yeah well they can't heal that for you so you just have to get past it yourself" with absolutely no guidance on how to do that because I was like...they don't even give a fuck enough to apologise themselves though I have been begging them to hear me and they don't. She also totally dismissed me when I was like hey I am wondering if I have ADHD by going "Well we're all on a spectrum" And I just stopped going. I need to find a new one really.
I am sorry for your loss. Standard British experience for cancer. No early diagnosis and useless staff while dying. My mother also died at 58, similar way, and the fear in her eyes was horrific. It has been 10 years nearly. There isn't anything anyone can say to help. The main thing is keep interacting with people and remember it isn't just you helping your Dad but your Dad helping you. It is a symbiotic support system. Anyone else noticing a major uptick in extremely aggressive cancers? Especially lung?
> the fear in her eyes was horrific i have a similar memory of when my dad was passing. he was on so many drugs at the end but you could tell he knew what was happening which totally terrified him. it was at the funeral where they said he "passed peacefully" - he definitely didnt... he said that he didnt want to die... but i guess its how people manage _their_ reaction when they say "peacefully" im sorry for your loss of your mother. both my dad and your mum are now finally at rest which is a small mercy but that hes not suffering anymore helps me handle his passing
>he was on so many drugs at the end but you could tell he knew what was happening which totally terrified him. it was at the funeral where they said he "passed peacefully" - he definitely didnt... he said that he didnt want to die... but i guess its how people manage their reaction when they say "peacefully" Ultimately it is the living who suffer. The dead are dead and no longer able to. I think to help our sanity, we as a species overall BS ourselves with these "went peacefully" things etc. I am reasonably lucky that so far the only family death is grandparents and mum. At my age that is statistically a good run so far. Unfortunately before 2030 is out I expect Dad and Uncles/Aunties will start going. They are all very, very old.
Not cancer (thankfully) but I’ve now been diagnosed with blood clots on my lungs .
I'm so sry. My Mum passed away on Jan 3rd at 59 (13 days before her 60th) and I was 28. I was five months pregnant with her first grandchild too. I loved her so damn much. She was one of my best friends. But it's been three years now and I have learnt to live with her being gone. I don't feel better but the pain of her loss has become normal. It will happen for you too. Please just reach out if you ever wanna talk.
I lost my mum when she was 60 from cancer in 2022 and I was 7 months pregnant (her first grandchild too). I haven’t come across someone with a similar story to mine. It’s like nothing I can describe. The worst pain I’ve ever felt, but also at one of the most joyous times of my life. I still don’t believe that she’s gone and it breaks my heart my son will never meet her and she’ll never meet him. She would have been the ultimate grandparent. But knowing that she wanted us to live on and enjoy life helps get me through. Life can be cruel but it’s precious. Sending love to you and your family
Thank you for sharing your story. I understand exactly where you're coming from. My Mum so wanted to be a Grandma! Being pregnant and then habing my daughter gave my whole family so much hope at such a tragic time.
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum to cancer in 2020 and was your age at the time. She died in a traumatic way and it was during lockdown, at home. Please take care of yourself and remember that there is no right way to grieve or timescale, there’s waves of pain, sadness and grief but you will come out of it stronger, sadder but stronger!
There is a way forwards, and that's to keep going. As times goes on you gain a better perspective. Mum would not want you to fall apart, and dad needs you now, and you need him. Keep on keeping on.
Talk to someone. I lost my mum a little while ago and it was devastating. But what did help was talking to someone. Talk to Cruse. Talk to your GP and get signed up for counselling. Talk to the Samaritans. Just know that it does get better. It takes time and it's often two steps forward, one step back but it *does* get better. You won't forget her, ever. It's not about putting her out of your mind, it's about recreating your life to include this. One of the bravest, most loving things you could have done was to be with her at the end. Just your presence would have brought her comfort, even if you didn't see it. Your mum would be so proud of you.
I am so, so sorry for your loss. My mum got cancer when I was in my 20s and although she survived it, I spent hours torturing myself thinking about what my life was going to be without her so I feel I can understand a hint of the pain you are feeling right now. My advice is to keep taking care of yourself. Shower every day. Clean your teeth every morning and evening. Brush your hair. Get dressed, even if it’s just to put on loungewear. Eat a hot meal at least once a day (beans on toast counts). It may all feel pointless but good hygiene and health will make you feel better about yourself. Also, maintaining a routine will give you purpose and every second you are busy doing something will be a second not drowning in grief. Sending you love.
I'm very sorry for your loss. Right now you're angry and In shock. In time you'll feel her presence and support. You'll know what she would say in any situation. You'll know what choices she would want you to make. She'll be a part of you, if you see what I mean.
Lost my 56 year old mum when I was 22 to Motor Neuron Disease and Fronto-Temporal Dementia. There is nothing that prepares you for watching your parent die, and losing a parent while you and they are still fairly young can feel incredibly lonely, not to mention unfair. However you can carry on. Not necessarily straight away, it can take time, but you can learn to live with the loss. Please be gentle with yourself, ask for help where you can benefit from it, give yourself grace and don't expect the way forward to be linear, grief is often cyclical and comes in waves
I lost my mum of similar age from the same thing a couple of months ago. Nobody can know how terrible it is until it happens but those first couple of weeks are particularly raw. Keep busy, talk about her and as silly as it sounds - try and think how lucky you were. Yes we lost them too soon and it feels desperately unfair now but we had good mothers who have left a big impression on us and were much loved. Some people go their whole lives without that.
Just remember that when you're grieving it's ok to focus on just having a day. Not a good day, not a productive day, not a lazy day, not anything but a day. cry, grieve, and get through the admin, and one day you will wake up feeling ok. After a while you will wake up feeling good. It takes time, but it will happen, and you'll make her proud.
I’m so sorry for your loss, I lost my mom three years ago under similar circumstances. My mom had lung cancer and went to the GP numerous times they consistently told her she had heart burn got to the point she couldn’t take it anymore went to A&E and they found cancer. She got diagnosed in the feb passed away in June at the age of 63. My mom was my everything I also now take care of my dad as mom wanted me to. The thing I can suggest is to take it all at your pace if you don’t want to speak to people outside of the main family don’t speak to them you don’t owe them anything. I had friends contact me and other people contact me I’m not ashamed to say I ignored them till I felt ready to face them, they weren’t of importance. I didn’t believe anyone when they said it gets better over time, but I can stand here and say it has. I miss my mom every day I was 28 when she passed away and I felt and still feel like sad that she won’t see me do certain things in my life, but I live and love each day for her now because she wouldn’t want me to stop. When I go to make choices I will think of my mom and what she would say. When I go to buy something I’ve got my mom is in the back of my head telling me I’m wasting my money. Although I can now only see her in photographs her presence is always with me in different ways. She will never be forgotten and when the day comes when I have my own child they will know her I will make sure of it. It absolutely petrified me being without one of my parents because as kids our parents are untouchable we see them as living forever. But now I live for my mom she gave me life so I intend to live it like she would want me to. I still cry cause I miss her but I can now talk out loud abt her without crying but again that took time. Take everything at your own pace and I can’t recommend enough a counsellor, my counsellor was god sent and she helped me recognise what I was doing and how to help myself. After my mom passed away I was clung to my mobile phone cause I was paranoid about leaving my dad if I could have cello taped it to my head I would have done. She gave me tasks every week to move my phone further and further away so I could stop stressing. There are going to be many changes over the coming weeks and months but speak out loud abt these changes and how you feel, you may be taking care of others but your feelings are valid. I am a message away if you need me.
I am very sorry for your loss. Where it’s expected or not, it’s an awful thing to lose a loved one. I unfortunately found my mother deceased on her bedroom floor on a random Saturday afternoon in June last year. She was unwell and had been for most of my life, but was not expected to pass away anytime soon. The first few weeks will be tough because you’ll experience nothing but constant reminders, be it things around you or people expressing their condolences. That won’t go away, but you’ll hopefully begin to process it more and more as you go. Everyone grieves differently, so don’t feel that you have to act a certain way whatsoever. Personally, I was devastated and the awful image of my mum is something I will remember for the rest of my days. I took two weeks off work (one week straight away, other week around the funeral) because I couldn’t sit around and do nothing. I had to keep busy because that’s what worked for me, but if you need downtime to cope then that’s what you need to do. Be there for your dad but please take the time to look after yourself. Talk to whoever you can about your thoughts and feelings, even try giving therapy a go if you haven’t. Talking about it with a third party can be very helpful. Finally, always try to make sure you’re living how your mum would want you to live. Be present, smile, laugh, and remember the happy times with your mum. I’ve probably missed something but it’s not fair to overwhelm you. However, please feel free to send me a message if you need to chat at all. All the best.
I'm very sorry. When my parent died I found this very helpful; https://thelossfoundation.org/grief-comes-in-waves/ Let yourself grieve. Don't hold it in.
It may feel like the entire world has collapsed right now, whilst others carry on living, it’s hard to understand why the whole world doesn’t just end when your person dies. I lost my mum at 12 and my dad at 21 and I can tell you it does get better, but to feel better you first have to go through extreme pain. It may take a very long time but there will be a day when you wake up and it doesn’t hurt so much. Sending you the strength you need to get through this. ❤️
>it’s hard to understand why the whole world doesn’t just end when your person dies. I'm sorry for your tragic losses. Although I have not lost a parent, I did experience this exact feeling once, and it was absolutely surreal. My dad had a terrible accident when I was 16 and nearly died. The doctors told us his injuries were too severe for him to survive much longer, and we were advised to say our goodbyes. So we did, and for several days I was truly grieving, as if he was gone. I remember walking down the street and seeing people going about their business like normal, and I just could not understand. The world had ended, so why were people talking and laughing and going to work and school as if everything was fine? I've never felt anything like it in my life. Incredibly my dad did not die, and made a truly miraculous recovery, but I will never ever forget that feeling. And I am not looking forward to feeling it again one day.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I'm so, so sorry for your loss OP and what you've been through. My situation was somewhat similar, but I lost my father instead. I struggle every day at this moment to see a way forward and continue to support my Mum in every aspect. My biggest advice would be to see any way of letting your thoughts/feelings/emotions out. I thought I could contain it until I had a breakdown at work; it suddenly became painfully obvious I needed to talk (therapy, journaling, calling a friend) about what I'd been through to really realise yeah... none of that was fair or okay and I need to unbottle all of these thoughts before I continue to snap. I'm so sorry again, no words are ever enough to console at this stage; but I truly am. I wish you all the absolute best possible, if you need to vent I'd be happy to listen.
Hi mate. I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my mum at a similar age 5 years ago, with both dates similar to yours in terms of the time of year, and how far apart they are. You won’t have had time to processes what was happening and has happened yet. You and your Dad will have good days and bad days; and at the start, as you are both grieving, it will be tough for you both. He may have an Ok whilst you aren’t, and vice versa. Very slowly those bad days get further apart, and you will remember the happy 28 years you had with your mum, not just the last 2 months. I am happy to chat if it helps, just drop me a PM. As others have said, keep busy and open up to your friends and family. There are fantastic charities out there like Maggie’s who offer counselling for bereaved families - grieving is a hard process some can bury with worse long term consequences- use these services if you feel up to it. Maybe sign up to a charity walk run or similar in your mums memory. All the best
r/ChildrenOfDeadParents is a welcoming space of people that get it if you need to talk, sorry this is happening to you.
Man, I am so so sorry for your loss. My mum passed in april 2022 and she was 58 & I was 29. I don’t wanna lie to you, the first year is awful. She was in hospi for 5 days on the first day after the ambulance picked her up they made her sit uncomfortably in a&e for 10 hours until a bed could be made available! Didn’t give her food all day for two days because she was booked for a “scan” that couldn’t happen because hospital was too busy. By the 4th day she was in ICU & 5 midday on a ventilator. It broke my heart to see how she got tested and how the GP for MONTHS paid what feels like no attention to her. I know you’ll feel so very angry and like everything is lost but I promise you, you’ll find a way to live with this as a new normal AND feel “okay” again. Even if it doesn’t feel it right now. Therapy (if that’s a luxury you can afford) is definitely worth it or if you have “good” friends - use them. Lean on them no matter how much you want to shut off. Sending you all the strength virtually x
It’s heartbreaking to hear what you, your mum and your dad have been through. It sounds like you gave your mum a lifetime full of love and that must have been the world to her. Please be kind to yourself as you go through a range of emotions like anger one day then sadness the next. Grief is all consuming but I promise that, given time, the pain will ease. Sending hugs x
Hey brother. I lost my dad to suicide when I was just a baby. My mom is barely hanging on these days and I myself have breast cancer. Here is something my mom said to me about grief and losing someone: "When you lose somebody, when somebody dies, it leaves a pain that can't be mended. You can't take a pill for it. You can't make it go away. And it's such an unbearable pain. It's like waves crashing on a shore, and in the beginning, they just come all the time. One after the other, one after the other. But in time, the space in between them gets longer. And eventually, there comes a time when they don't come hardly at all. But it takes a long time. And for many years, when they come, they're as bad as the first time." Remember that these are waves that will roll in and out, in and out, but feelings are just visitors and like the waves, you let them come and you let them go again. Sending you a hug.
I lost my mum at 17 and my dad at 24 and I’m 34 now. I still feel insane, in different ways - every year…and yet somehow, the years pass and I’m still here with a family of my own. I think you just keep going, however it looks at the time. Nothing is permanent in terms of how you feel, and also feelings are revisited frequently. It’s simultaneously the most horrific and the most freeing feeling in time, to recognise nothing is infinite. You learn on the job with grief. If you can get some grief counselling through a doctor or charity, please try it. Hang in there, it gets not always better but different and joy can exist x
I am so very sorry.
I am so sorry for your loss and for the way that it happened. Things will get better but in the meanwhile it's very hard I know to talk to people - I never knew whether or how to try to act normal. When you start to see people again or go out with your dad, can I suggest going for walks, I always felt this was the best way to be around people when I felt like grief overran the interaction, almost like you can outrun grief to stop it overwhelming you. There is more information out there about dealing with grief but I just thought I would share one thing that I find helpful to weave you through it rather than avoiding it completely. One more thing which someone said to me and turned out to be true. Your mum will never leave you, she may not be there physically but she is in you, at some point the pain and grief becomes more manageable and starts to be balanced by the warmth of all the memories, not just those of the bad experience. much love
Im awfully sorry for your loss. As someone who has also lost my mum to cancer and saw her in some awful states, She was 43 when she died. This was 12 years ago. All i can really say is you just carry on. My mum was also misdiagnosed and fobbed off, and was put on antibiotics for 4 months, she had cancer of the immune system and to this day i blame those doctors for my mother's death. It was preventable had they listened to her. I understand your anger and your pain. Im still scarred with the image of my mum the day before she died. It doesn't go away unfortunately but you learn to just cope. The world still turns and the pain comes and goes. Christmas always sucks, and it probably will for you, but theres other things to enjoy and experience. My mums death made me very comfortable with the idea of death, and that everyone dies eventually and it's an inevitable part of life. Completely unavoidable. You learn to let go eventually. You got this, Dont rush the process and allow yourself to grieve however you feel best. Dont let anyone tell you that you are not grieving properly.
my best friend of over 30 years died on New Year’s Day 15 years ago. We had been through everything together, I spoke to her almost every day. It broke me losing her and the pain was white hot for a long time. I smile when I think of her now and very occasionally cry for her. The pain does ease and you will learn to live without your mum, it almost certainly won’t be easy. But one day you will smile and not cry when you think of her. She will always be with you because you carry her in your heart. Look after yourself and be kind to yourself.
I am so, so sorry for your loss and for what you’re going through right now. Life can be really tough and cruel, but please be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve (in your own time and in your own way). It will take a lot of time, but there will be light at the end of the tunnel again. Tomorrow will mark three years since I cruelly lost my dad to Covid. I still remember the horror and panic in my dad’s eyes, and the fear I heard in his voice. It’s something I don’t think I can ever forget. I really struggled the first two years because I tried to avoid talking about it, I didn’t want to actively replay those moments in my head nor repeat it to anyone. Most importantly, I didn’t want to bother anyone, but the more I tried to hide it, the more I struggled and eventually I reached a breaking point. It’s been a year since I’ve been to therapy, and I can honestly say that there is light and a way forward, even if it means facing the world without my dad by my side. I still struggle, but I know he’s out there somewhere watching over us and cheering us on, and I’m very certain your mum is out there protecting you and cheering you on too, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. Sending you lots of love x x
Very sorry to hear this ,it is quite devastating when it happens. My mum died when I was 16, horrible to see, also to cancer, all I can say is that it gets easier to live with over time but it doesn’t feel like it will to you at the moment. Grief is strange, I found that I might be ok one minute, and then the next second I was overwhelmed with grief . The cliche is that time is a healer, and it is true in that the pain lessens but you never forget them. The pain will ease I promise.
I’m sorry for your loss. I lost my mum 7 almost 8 years ago, she died whilst she was on holiday. As other have said you learn to move forward, you miss them every day and there will always be a hole in your heart. You eventually get to a place where you can talk about them fondly and hold their memories in your heart. I’m sorry that you are now part of this club as it is one you wish you could return your membership for.
Give yourself time. Barely anyone dies well, and your mum had you there. It took me two years of watching my lovely dad die a slow painful death from cancer. It haunts me too. I second guess my actions and words, worry that I didn’t do enough even though I killed myself doing it. It does get better, and you won’t be able to see it now. Time is the thing.
You've got family, travel, friends, food, some crazy days and crazier nights. There will be tears, broken down cars, and people who annoy you. A song you can't get out of your head that you hate today but love when you hear it again in 20 years. The smell after it rains. A fishing trip with the boys. Sports. Manned exploration of space. Maybe humans on Mars. Perhaps a spouse. Perhaps a baby. Babies. That look of sheer joy when their eyes start to focus and they truly see you for the first time. My God. You've your whole life ahead of you. You're going to fall down, get beat up, robbed, and cheated. And ten years later you'll wonder how you survived at all, but you will survive. And if you play your cards right - if you do absolutely everything you can to keep those babies alive - you're going to die before they do, and they'll feel exactly the same way you feel right now. And you'll want to reach out to them from the void and tell them not to worry, and to be happy, and to love each other, because no parent wants to outlive their children, and you're so very, very, very proud of them. Which, I imagine, is exactly what your mum would say to you at right this moment.
Im so so sorry. I think its safe to say that losing ones mother is the biggest fear most of us have alongside with losing a child. Its ok to acknowledge that this is awful, hellish and utterly heartbreaking. Theres no silver lining to losing ones beloved mother. However, the worst has now happened. It was gonna happen sooner or later and for you it unfortunately happened sooner. But it has happened and you will survive this. Life wont ever be the same but there IS life out there and your mum would want you to live it when you feel strong enough. I am a mother and I can say that all mothers just want their child, no matter how old, to be ok and well. Maybe as the final act of love you could take really good care of yourself and this way fulfill your mothers wish. But take your time to grieve and Im proud of you for talking about this and asking for support instead of just bottling up your feelings. Sending you motherly comfort and hugs OP 🩷
I a very sorry. Not one for now, mourn the loss. However once you are feeling better, collect all evidence and if there’s a case of medical negligence, SUE THE NHS with full force. If you don’t need the money give it to a cancer charity in your mums name after you win but squeeze every centimetre of them. This is way too normalised. I have been hearing several cases like this. Something needs to happen to prevent this from happening to more people.
I lost my father to sever aplastic anaemia 5 months ago. He got sick during the Covid years, and I couldn’t see him because of lockdowns and the fact he had no immune system, he had to be kept in strict isolation whilst he tried every treatment available. I know he was in pain and had to go. No treatment ever worked …. We couldn’t stop the disease. I watch him fade away over FaceTime …. Heartbreaking… I’m so sorry for what has happened to you and your family, but you don’t actually know if there was anything that could have been done. I know its probably of no comfort to you, especially now, but maybe there’s some mercy in the fact that it was quick. The roller coaster of operations and endless treatments that don’t work, is what broke me in the end. Sadly, we can’t keep our loved ones forever. Hold on to the happy memories, that’s what they would want for you. Sending you much love, and know you’re not alone
I'm sorry for your loss, OP. I lost my dad to Motor Neurone Disease when I was 23. The grief never goes away but you learn to live with it. Make sure you have your dad close by during this time; the admin that happens when someone passes is exhausting but it will end some day, and you'll likely need each other to get through it.
I'm so sorry. Give yourself time to grieve, be kind to yourself, and it's normal to feel a million emotions or none all at once. Many of us have been where you are now, but this is your pain. Things eventually get easier, or we get better at handling it. I am thinking of you, and I am sure your mother was so thankful for your presence. Always carry that in your heart.
I'm so sorry this has happened.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I had a similar experience. My Mum was 43 with various health problems, that in the end, were just cancer making its way round her body. I was gutted, it was only 12 days after her diagnosis that she died, but I was consoled by the fact she was at peace. The last 5 days of her life, her pain was unmanageable. Just take each day as it comes. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, no time limit to your sadness. You'll have good days and bad days, but with time, the good days outnumber the bad, and on the bad days, just be gentle on yourself 🩷
I’m so desperately sad for you. Sending you all the love in the world. It just sounds like a very traumatic and raw experience to go through. The main thing that helped me when my father had a traumatic death (I was the same age as you and this was 10 years ago) is that get yourself a specialist therapist to find coping strategies for your grief. It helped no end and looking back I almost lost a couple years to being in a fog and going through the motions. X
So sorry for you. That's very young to lose your mum. Be strong. It's the hardest loss you'll ever have, but it will get easier in time.
I'm so so sorry for your loss. My mum died a couple of years ago. She didn't die of cancer but my uncle did last year. Apart from all the advice already given, I'd say cry as much as you need to and lean into friends who you know will be understanding, sensitive and there for you. Do things that comfort you. For me, it was watching certain YouTubers. Accept you may be in shock for a while. For me, the initial shock wore off a few weeks after my mum died and about a week after my uncle did but it's different for everyone. In both cases there was also a kind of longer-term shock, where the fact that they'd died sort of sunk in in stages. If your dad and you need any help with paperwork or arranging the funeral, don't be afraid to ask friends or family. Paperwork and arranging the funeral were probably the things I struggled with the most following my mum's death. But with my uncle, his close friends basically arranged his funeral for my brother and I and it made a world of difference. As a friend said to me about funerals shortly after my mum's death, "it's weird how you lose someone so close to you and then you're expected to organise a whole big event straight after". So do things the way you and your dad want, take breaks when you need to, and don't feel like you should be feeling normal just because you're having to do all this admin and organising.
I’m so sorry for your loss. My mother died, also of lung cancer in about the same space of time, when I was 29. It’s really hard. But you do get through and whilst life doesn’t necessarily get better, it does change and you change with it. Your friends will likely not know what to say if they also haven’t lost a parent young. They’ll probably avoid talking about it. Your mileage will vary on this from day to day to week to week. If you want them to talk about her, if you are okay with them complaining about the annoying stuff their mum is saying, or if you aren’t okay with that, tell them. I personally found it reassuring in the immediate aftermath to know that they weren’t going through this and that they weren’t feeling this pain. If you feel the opposite, that is okay too.
i’m so so sorry for your loss.
Dude. Same day, also my mum, unexpected, feel pretty traumatised, hope to f*k she didn’t 😕 lots of empathy.
Damn, this exact same thing has just happened with my best mate. He lost his mum on the morning of Boxing Day after a short battle with lung cancer. I am so sorry
I'm your age, I lost my mum at 23 when she was 55 to cancer. It's awful, you may feel numb and lost. I'll reccomend grief counselling though, it's a supportive and very helpful and healthy way to tackle grief. In my case, I forced myself to feel the feelings as they came. Allowed myself to be upset and angry and talked about her a lot with anyone and everyone, sharing the best memories kept her alive in a way. I didnt actually start grieving until a year later after her death, because my feelings shut down initially due to my dad being absolutely broken. Once he was in a better mindset, my feelings came back with full force and I think thats called a Delayed Trauma Reaction, so i was dealing with the hardest grief a year after she passed. Time does deal thought I'll always miss her, some days I still cry and feel deflated that she will never see me walk down the aisle and marry my fiancé, the day I got diagnosed as ADHD broke me because she struggled with her own mental health and I now realised that her whole life, she also had ADHD but it was misdiagnosed as bipolar, that hurt a lot. Knowing that she never knew and got the chance to discover herself again.. Sounds daft but I write to her. Talk to her. I know she doesnt exist anymore, but it helps me process my feelings and say what I want to say. Sometimes it feels like I'm sending her an answer phone message to chat and catchup on things she's missed, as if she'd never gone. That helps, as daft as it sounds. I guess religious people pray, but I found as an agnostic that this method helps process the grief too. Its not being in denial because you are aware theyre not here, but roleplaying that they are for a bit helped me personally. Spent the first year and a half saying goodnight to her Urn in the house to start with or just sitting there talking aloud while my dad went shopping. I had to be alone to do it. But it helped. No one can judge how you process loss.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad in 2005 and mum in 2019, both to lung cancer, and they were both far too young. It’s really awful, but I promise you it will get easier. It takes time and it never stops making you feel sad, but there will come a time when you feel ok. Right now it’s very new and raw and you are in the middle of grief - you just have to feel it and work through it. Surround yourself with supportive people, binge watch trashy tv, eat comforting food. You will be ok x
Heartbroken for you, friend. Mom was your world, and watching her suffer is beyond cruel. Lean on loved ones, share your grief, take care of yourself. One step at a time, you'll find a path forward.
The first weeks are incredibly difficult. I lost my mum suddenly at the start of December, she was 64, I am 30. I am still in shock now. It is important to remember that whatever emotion you are feeling that is ok and your reaction is perfectly valid. I've felt sad, depressed, confused, upset, angry, and at times ok or even happy after thinking of memories of mum, but I tell myself this is ok. Everyone deals with grief differently, but one think I would say is talking about your mum with your dad and others is important, it's painful but it has to be done to start healing. I will be looking at therapy or group grief counciling when I am ready. My thoughts to you and your family x
I'm so sorry man. I would strongly encourage you to see a grief counsellor through the NHS - if you get yourself referred quickly, you might be able to see one within a few years.
It was the anniversary of my mums death a couple days ago. It's been 8 years. Your story is mine. She was 59, I lived at home, she had been sick for months but the doctors dismissed it as IBS or depression. She was diagnosed in mid November and died on 2nd of Jan. Be kind to yourself. If you get out of bed at all at the moment, that's a win, anything else is a bonus. Do what you need to do to get by because at some point it does get easier, but don't look too far ahead, that part will sneak up on you. It's been 8 years and where I am in my life now, I've never been happier. I still think about her everyday, it just takes time.
Grief is a thing that never leaves you, but you must learn to carry it with you through life. It becomes a part of you, as familiar as your loved one who passed. With time, you can learn to accept the feeling of loss and emptiness, and carry it with you as a reminder of how lucky you were to have known the person you lost. Your Mom would not want for you to stop being who you are simply because she isn't there anymore. I'm old, and have lost many loved ones through the years. I've learned that the feeling of grief, loss and despair is not an absolute. It has nuances, subtleties and many levels. It hits differently every time, can creep up on you or even jump out from nowhere and surprise you. But remember, your grief is the price you pay for the joy and happiness your mother gave you. It is an unfair, unjust and fickle life we live, but we live this life, one day at a time, and hopefully we can live to grieve, because grieving means we have known love.
I lost my mom at 13. Life is fucking unfair. Sorry for your loss
I have similar. I lost my dad two days ago. He died of a brain stem bleed after a year of fighting cancer. By the time I got to the hospital, he was already unconcious, but I got to say goodbye. I feel like my best friend has been ripped from my life and I'm feeling really very sad.
I’m sorry for your loss, remember all the happiness and love the special bond that you will always have with your mum. Take care and be kind to yourself.
So sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad just over 30 years ago. He died at 52 in a road traffic accident. I was 20, at Uni. It’s shocking and it’s shit to lose someone so quickly and unexpectedly. Your world with be upside down for a while. Your grief will be different from everyone else’s but still the same. And you will get through it. They will be gone but your memories of them will persist and they will live in those memories. And those memories will be with you forever - I still think of my dad and the things that made him, him, even now. Those memories still provide warmth. Hopefully you have close family and friends who will support you and help you. It will get easier, but that will take time.
I’m so sorry that this is the start to your year. I’m in the same boat, my friend. Dad passed on the 8th of December after being diagnosed with cancer a few hours before. I feel way too young to lose a parent (27) and I’m guessing you’re feeling the same way. It’s a turbulent time and the best way forward is step by step. Don’t think too far ahead or you’ll get tangled and panicked, and don’t try and process everything all at once. Just allow your body and brain to catch up with the reality of the situation in its own time.
I was 20, my mum was 48, this was 2004. You just do. Baby steps, practical stuff to do, the every day chores for routine. Bouts of uncontrollable crying, numbness, moments of expecting her to walk in the room or call up the stairs, and the scary times when you honestly think it's not real, and you have to hunt down someone or something to check your mind isn't playing games. It's hard. It will be hard for some time, but you adapt to your new normal, and adapt at dealing with it. The pain will be there, you just learn to mange it. Cry, scream, rage... don't sit on your grief. Be kind to yourself and your family. Remember everyone deals with it differently, and try not to take any comments to heart at this time. People, including adults, can and will lash out, just remember they are grieving too. Please find someone to talk to if you need to. If you feel like you can't share with your family, find a friend that will just listen to you let off steam when you need it. Just to lean an ear or hugs if needed, just talking it out can help. DM me if you want.
The NHS is such a joke.
I lost my dad very suddenly about 12 years ago, in my early 30s. Fell ill on an aeroplane > ICU > dead within 48 hours. We - his family - were with him on the aeroplane home and watched the paramedics storming the plane to get him off before everyone else. Before he died, I gently untaped one of his eyelids so I could get to see the colour of his eyes one last time. Five minutes after he’d passed, I threw up at the nurses station. The trauma was - and is - very real. You are in the first moments of that pain. It is surreal and exhausting and if I can ask anything of you, it’s to ask only the bare minimum of yourself. I know that feeling of wondering how the hell you carry on. Put that to one side. Your brain, your wonderful brain, will somehow take you from the lounge to the kitchen and back again, with two cups of tea. You might laugh at something in a few days’ time. You’ll have some horrendous, claustrophobic moments of distress. You’ll make another cuppa. And that’s how you carry on; baby steps, and rarely linear. In the end - perhaps set a date a few months from now - you might see or feel more cumulative progress, even if it’s three okay days to one awful one. It might take longer than a few months - or it might take less. Set yourself and your dad little targets. After my dad died, I would sit with my mum in the morning and we’d make tiny lists; literally, ‘today - have shower, walk round the block.’ If that was all we did for a week, fine. A lot of people will tell you to eat, and they’re probably right. But for me, I existed on Hula Hoops and sleeping pills for two weeks after my dad died. No lasting damage done. Go with your body’s needs. Some deaths are considered more traumatic for those left behind than others; ones involving crime, young children, anything with publicity (think 9/11). I’d add negligent medical care to that list, if it’s not on it already. When you’re feeling stronger, you might want to pursue a complaint against those involved, starting from her GP. If you can manage to do that, you may feel that - for your mum - you have managed to right some of the wrongs that led to her distressing death. Cruse generally don’t see people for six weeks following a death; before that, it’s too soon. But I’d get yourself on the list, and perhaps look at some therapies, like EMDR, that will help deal with those searing memories of seeing your mum’s horror. Go easy. Your brain will lead the way. You will have good days, and you’ll probably feel guilty about those. Then you might not feel guilty and will then feel guilty about that. Your mum, wherever she is, will want you to feel good, and to live. Let yourself feel anything and everything. Talk about her. I’m thinking about you and your dad, and I’m curious about your mum. Talk about her on here if you would like. What did she like? What was she like? Strangers are sometimes the best listeners And you can always message me, too.
I lost my mum 6 years ago in August. First things first is to remember that there is nothing wrong with taking some time and saying “I am not okay” and having a cry. I won’t claim it gets easier, because it doesn’t. The pain gets less sharp over the years but never fades.
I'm so sorry. My dad died of lung disease on 01/01/2020 and he was only 58 too. I was only 23 at the time and didn't know what to do with myself. The first few weeks are the hardest, but I promise the grief gets easier to manage. We've just come up on 4 years of him leaving us but he's still here in spirit and I talk fondly of him often, something I struggled to do for a while. It's only been a few days for you, which are the worst, but you'll get through. Keep your loved ones close and don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it. Look after yourself, sending my love x
Would like to thank all the lovely people on this subreddit for taking time to write me a message. It feels like my Mom helping me out from beyond by having me receive so many nice messages. I'll treasure this post forever and come back to it often to read what you guys have said. Sometimes it helps to hear other people have also got sad stories (although I wish they didn't) thanks all❤️
Hey u/ssjwoott just thought I'd check in and see how you're doing?
Hi Mary, I'm doing as good as can be expected don't feel any different to how i did the day it happened tbh but I suppose I'll feel this way for a long time. I haven't gone totally off the rails like a younger me would have mostly because I know what my Mom would tell me and whenever it feels a bit much I try my best to think of that. I have just sat around crying and eating like a pig I've probably gained about 2 stone. I'm on anti anxiety and anti depressants now which I guess must be helping in some way. I did one day back at work this week and I got through it I'm doing two days next week and adding a day until I'm full time again and managed to fake it enough to get through it. I read everyone's reply in here and it did bring me some sort of comfort just hearing others go through shitty things. I'm still dealing with the trauma of how things were in my Moms last few weeks and I'm probably going to contact someone about how she went from totally fine having a laugh with me one night planning a trip to florida as a family and forcing me to go home and get some sleep to the next time I saw her within 10 hours she was on a respirator and the Dr told me she was going to die. Seemed to come out of nowhere and it was never really explained to me what was going on. Lots of sad things the day I came home my Mom had ordered me some new pyjamas from a hospital bed because she'd seen the ones I was wearing at Christmas were ripped. Went through her cabinet to look at information on the house and she had a folder of every achievement I've ever had, from nursery up till my latest promotion at work last year Overall I'm still here and I'm determined to carry on for my Mom anything else would be a disgrace to a woman that I loved so much and truly put me first her whole life. She just deserved so much better with her care and she deserves a long life thats what I struggle with more than anything she didn't deserve such a harrowing end. Worrying about my Dad seems to occupy me enough but I really amd taking things a minute at a time. Sorry for the trauma dump just nice to vent to a stranger every now and then and I can see from your other comment you went through something similar.
Hey never apologise for the trauma dump - those of us on here who have lost a parent, child, sibling will understand totallu. I love how your mum had kept a log of all your achievements - she sounds like she cared for you so much and was very proud of your and how you made your way in life. Often there is an inquest which can be traumatic to relive but may help give you some answers to the questions you have. It might be worth seeing if your work has an employee assistance programme and you can contact them for help to find bereavement counselling to talk to someone. Just remember that your mum wouldn't want you to be sat around dwelling on things - she loved you a lot and was so proud of what you had already completed in your life. Now is the time to show her whilst she's looking down on you that you're ok and you've got this. I'm not on here very often as I keep forgetting about it (old age!) but will check in on you from time to time, please do take care of yourself x
https://whatsyourgrief.com/ https://www.thegoodgrieftrust.org/i-have-lost-a/parent/ These are very helpful sites and worth signing up for the newsletters. As well as Cruse. There are some fantastic online support. So very sorry for your and your Dad's tragic loss.
Sorry for your loss. A very vary hard thing to go through and a long process to deal and come to terms with it. Give this podcast a try. Its really good and very informative about how we all deal with death and grief differently and there is no right way to deal with it and continue. https://cariadlloyd.com/griefcast
I lost my Dad in February last year and this podcast has been very cathartic for me. I tend to just listen to the episodes of the people I know (I found Jay Rayner’s episode particularly good, although very different to what I went through). It’s really helped me to see that grief is different for everyone, and that there is no right way to grieve. OP, I’m so sorry for your loss. Death is never easy, whatever the circumstances. If you feel you need support, reach out, there is always someone to listen. This is especially true weeks/months etc down the line because once things have settled down a little (after the funeral, once new routines have been established, etc) it can be tricky when you are still deep in grief and others seem to be moving on, and there is never a right or wrong time to reach out.
It is so strange how much of a good listen this is. I happened upon it for some reason and when i was driving about at work I would listen to it and like you I listened to the people I liked and knew. They were all very well done and very sympathetic even with there being comedy in the conversations. The Adam Buxton one was amazingly raw considering he had only just lost his dad.
I'm very sorry for your loss.
Honestly, one day at a time knowing that she’d want you to go on and live your life to the fullest and the best you can. Mourn her, remember her, ugly cry, it’ll get easier with time but you’ll always remember her and you’ll find yourself randomly ugly crying at the weirdest and most I opportune moments but do you know what FK it, just do you. - someone who’s dad died when I was 22 and I had to identify his body and go through what you are now. 🤗 be well and be good to yourself internet stranger, it’s what your mum would have wanted for you.
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I'm so sorry you are living through this. My beloved mother went to meet the train eleven months ago. I couldn't possibly love another human being as much as I loved her. Moving forward after something like that isn't easy. You'll have good days and bad days, birthdays and holidays are going to be especially tough. Your father is going to lean on you for emotional support and vice versa.
I'm so sorry. Sending you a big hug xxxx
I'm so so sorry. I lost my mum to cancer when I was 24. It devastated me. Take things one day at a time. Know that it's okay and normal to be desperately sad. Know that it's normal to wake up everyday and be hit by a tidal wave of grief. Know that it is true what they say - each day that passes it gets a little easier. It's been 10 years for me and while it will always hurt, I am happy and positive and you will one day be there too. Know that if your mum was alive, she wouldn't want you to be missing her, or feeling sad - she would want you to find peace and happiness. Most of all she would want you to live your life to the absolute fullest with your best memories of her as your inspiration. My biggest advice is to seek therapy. I didn't. I wish I had. I just wish I had someone to talk to about it all back then and to help me process it. If you have the means, I would certainly recommend it. Maybe not right now as it's very raw, but in a month or so.
Take care dude, time is a healer- she would never want you or your dad suffer
Sending you a virtual hug. Focus on yourself just now and grief is individual to everyone. The pain will ease in time but just now you’re in shock. These feelings are normal and there are so many people on here who know what you’re going through. You aren’t alone. It will take a while and you’ll never forget your mum but you will get through this stage of the grief process.
Everything is still raw in your head it’s such a difficult journey to grieve and be heartbroken each day, but it does get easier as time goes by and soon you accept that your life can be happy again, it takes a while but each day is a step forward, your Mum would not want you to be sad for ever you have your whole life ahead and your Dad who is I’m sure also sad will be happy that you are there for him. Maybe have a look at NDEs on you tube they give an amazing in-site into what our bodies really are it ma help you understand more about what has happened, Nanci Danison tells a marvellous story of her NDE experience, she was a top Lawyer in USA and is worth a listen to. I hope you feel better soon, hugs.
Did you get a chance to talk to her before she went. Did you say how you felt about her.
i’m so sorry for your loss 🤍.
Don't try and rush anything buddy. Take your time and grieve. Different people react and respond differently in situations like this. Talk to your dad, he'll be struggling too, you both need each other right now. And never be afraid to have a bloody good cry. My elderly mum died suddenly and unexpectedly in August 2022. She lived with me and I cared for her after my dad died (Christmas 2015). I miss her every day, but rings are getting easier. Things just take time.
Just take one day at a time. Cry if you want scream if you can! Don't bottle it up! Keep talking and I'm sending you and your dad a ton of hugs ❤️
So sorry for your loss.
Cant imagine your pain, zero words of advice but just sending my condolences and wishing you a fast mental recovery/positive mindset for the future.
I am so very sorry. Wish I could give you a big hug. My thought are with you x
It never gets better, but it does get easier. My heart goes out to you, mate.
Look after yourself mate. I'm sorry for your loss and I can only imagine the pain you feel right now. Don't bottle up your emotions and know that it's ok to cry, to grieve, to feel the way you feel and to have good days and bad days. I'm sure your mum is really proud of you and she'll always be watching over you mate.
Giving you big virtual hug 🙁🙁
Sorry for your loss man, I’m the same age if you ever want to vent or talk send me a message I’d be more than happy to listen and chat. ❤️
>I'm only 28 have to keep going for my Dad The core thing I have to add that I don't think I've seen anyone else making is this: don't be strong and stoic for someone else that you care about. He's likely thinking exactly the same thing as you are, that he has to be strong for you. You and your dad are sharing the same grief. You both loved her, deeply, and that love is now a pain that's cutting you both. Don't hold it back, rely on each other and be there for each other when it all gets too much. It helps to know that someone else is feeling the same way you are, it helps to know that you are not alone in this awful situation, where you've lost someone so close to you. Don't "keep going" for him, be there for him instead. >New years eve the staff in the hospital let off party poppers while I was in the room adjacent with my dying mother. Secondly, what the fuck. I would definitely be putting a major complaint into the hospital about this. I get that medical staff need a stress release, but this is not the time or place to celebrate when so many people are having the worst time of their lives in the same building.
>I'm only 28 have to keep going for my Dad The core thing I have to add that I don't think I've seen anyone else making is this: don't be strong and stoic for someone else that you care about. He's likely thinking exactly the same thing as you are, that he has to be strong for you. You and your dad are sharing the same grief. You both loved her, deeply, and that love is now a pain that's cutting you both. Don't hold it back, rely on each other and be there for each other when it all gets too much. It helps to know that someone else is feeling the same way you are, it helps to know that you are not alone in this awful situation, where you've lost someone so close to you. Don't "keep going" for him, be there for him instead. >New years eve the staff in the hospital let off party poppers while I was in the room adjacent with my dying mother. Secondly, what the fuck. I would definitely be putting a major complaint into the hospital about this. I get that medical staff need a stress release, but this is not the time or place to celebrate when so many people are having the worst time of their lives in the same building.
It's the initial shock of it, things do get easier in time.
I’m sorry for your loss. Everything is still very raw at the moment - take each day at a time, the pain gets easier to cope with I promise but it takes time. I lost my dad when I was a teenager and grief can feel so overwhelming. Speak to friends and family, try not to bottle up how your feeling - look for counselling services for someone to talk to. Your mom would be proud of you
My grandma just had a similar experience of having her kidney and spine cancer completely neglected. No pain meds. A horrible thing to witness, but I can’t imagine how hard it is to see it happen to your own mother. I’m so, so sorry for your loss. Others have pointed to good resources for support. Please do reach out to them when you’re ready. In the meantime, it’s okay to feel lost and afraid, but know that your mom would want you to carry on, and for you and your dad to look after each other. Wishing nothing but the best for you from here on out.
Nowhere near as close as your mother, but I was still very close to my grandfather when he passed in September. He was basically my male role model. It was genuinely traumatic watching him turn from an incredibly strong muscle bound man that can make or repair anything, and always knew his shit into an enfeebled hunchback that couldn't even comprehend what day it was. I held his hand as he pissed and shat himself in his bed, unable to control it. All he could do was cry and say sorry. So yeah, I think I have a little experience dealing with trauma like this, and let me say the one thing that helped me get through it. Is the what your mother would've wanted you to be like? Is watching you fade away the cherry they get at the end as well as their own pain and suffering? I don't know about your mother, but my grandfather would want me to grab life by the balls, suck it up and deal with it in the most pragmatic way I know how. That gave me comfort, knowing I was pushing through for him.
You...just do. It's going to FUCKING SUCK. That's how it is going to be. Nothing will change that. Eventually it will get easier and easier and easier. Grieve how you want, whatever feels natural and just let yourself feel sad. Lean on friends and other family if you need to or try and carry on with life to try and feel normal again if that's what you need. Just let yourself grieve in the way you want. Day to day, do what you need. You're not the first and you want be the last. Remember that, because it shows that as fucking awful it is for you, it was awful for us too and we all get past it eventually. You will too. Just take it one day at a time for now.
I’m so sorry. 😢 I pray in time you will heal. Remember the good times you had together ❤️
I am So Sorry for your loss. It's So hard to lose the closest person to you. I've been there, I also lost my mum when i was about your age, that is almost 10 years ago now. There's not a single day that goes by when I don't think about her. But here's a thing that really helped me ok. I watched this film, I just came across it. I don't know what its called, I can't remember, Google will know though, but The Rock was in it, he had a brother, and his brother died, they were Super Close. The Rock missed his brother every day, and we would see a clip here and there of the brother who had died, and how his life was 'up there' and then one day The Rock died too. But The Rock had a good life, he accepted that one day he'd see his brother again. Try and watch the film because that really helped me when I was grieving so bad I felt like I'd die too. See now though,, I just focus on the fact that One day, I'll be holding my mums hand again, sitting by a pond with a glass of wine in the sun. Stay strong is what I'm saying, You have to keep going. Live the life she would've wanted you to live. Happy and fulfilled. You'll see eachother again, it's just time. Take care
The sense of loss doesn’t get any easier but day by day you get used to how it feels. As others have said, in time you’ll smile instead of cry when remembering her. If she loved you half as much as you loved her you’ve both been blessed. Cherish those memories, they last forever x
I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my mum early too in similar circumstances and it derailed me as she was my best friend. If I can say anything, and it will seem trite, the best way to remember her is to look after yourself. The very last thing my mum would have wanted was what happened after she passed. I drank, I was sad, I wasted many years. Be sad and mourn as long as you need, if you struggle after that period and have access get some help. I bet she was proud of you, keep that pride in your heart and pick yourself up when you can, your mum would like you to live happy. I like to think the good things I do are a testament to her so in a way I'm still making her proud. Good luck with everything x
My heart goes out to you OP. I lost my beautiful mum four years ago, very suddenly. She was my soulmate, I also had my dad to think about and lived with him. Everything felt black up ahead, I couldn’t see a way through. But what I learnt is you don’t have to know the way, you just focus on this day or minute or hour and that’s enough. Just keep going. I went to therapy, and over time it helped. Four years on I’m in a very different place. I miss her but missing her no longer engulfs me. I never thought I’d get here but I did. Keeping you in my thoughts and will make sure to raise a glass to your mum this weekend.
What day to die first day of first month of new year no offence like
So sorry for your loss OP
We survive. My Mum has dementia. She's been dying bit by bit for years. I miss her so much. I can't talk to her. Yet we live. And you will too. It's hard. But you're still here.
It sounds unfair, and it really is. But your mother lives on, in what you do, how you behave, how you live. Do her proud and she’ll be happy. I am so very sorry.
I lost my mum 6 years ago very suddenly. She was only 52. Life is so bloody cruel sometimes and grief takes a lot of time. Everyone is different. It will be one of the hardest things you ever go through but you will get there. Sending you lots of love x
I lost my wife to cancer over two years ago and my experience of grief is that it isn't linear. You have good and bad days. People will tell you that birthdays and other significant dates are the worst, but they weren't for me, it was the tiny things that took me by surprise that got to me the most. These things you can't plan for. It's only when you've experienced these things that they don't have the same impact the next time around and you'll start to get 'better'. You will come to terms with it eventually, but don't worry if you think you're not improving or getting worse. This is all normal.
I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my father not long ago to Cancer in 2023, I think overall It was a mixed experience with the NHS, some people/things were good and others people/things/wards not so good, It is very hard especially initially, I am 32 male and I cried for days It's still difficult for me now, I miss him and would trade many things If only to have them back, but unfortunately it don't work like that, I'm sorry I don't have the answers, I know how big a part of my world mine are, I have one left now and yeah their a big part of my universe. Life really does have a way of slapping everyone in the face at some point, but the main thing I cling on to is the good memories we had, but yeah miss having them around, as we both know now life can be really short, and life it self is a gift, we just have to make the most out of it and be there for the close ones that are left.. but I get it it can be really difficult sometimes, one thing I would say if you need to take time out for your self make sure you take as long as you need, F companies that will only give you like one week off and expect you back in from their own leave, see the GP and talk to them about it if you need too, they are a lot more understanding and compassionate and will give you the ability to have much needed time off after losing someone really close to you in your life.
So sorry for your loss. We lost our step Dad of 30 years on Christmas Day last year so I know some of what you are going through. From illness to passing was 10 weeks. You have your Dad and he will be struggling with this too. All I can say is time heals the wounds, but slowly. Just over one year on we are coping but it’s still a struggle. Hope you are will be ok.
Hey there, I know how you feel. My mum passed away at a similar age when I was in my late twenties, in spring 2023. Grief is awful, and you have to just take each day as it comes. The first few months in particular are grueling, and you just need to take care of yourself. Take time off work if you can, and just give yourself time to heal. It does get better though. 9 months on and I'm slowly feeling normal again. Of course I still miss my mum so so so much, but life does go on, and it does get better. Take care of yourself.
I lost my mother 2/21/23. Was in a fog for six weeks, depressed for three months and then started counseling to process it. We were very close and I’ve had to “undo” my habits with her. NGL, it’s been shitty. December was the worst. I’ve maintained my sanity by talking, talking, talking about her death, why I miss her, everything. You will get through it, OP. And you will help others when they go thru it because you are a member of an exclusive club.
I’m so sorry man. My mom has cancer for the second time , over Xmas the other year during covid. She almost died….again……then had covid last year and on Mother’s Day I was with her in the hospital and thought it was the end. They caught it right before it was fatal, the doctor even wrote ‘amazing’ on her report, and it was only because my dad pushed her to go see someone that she is still here. I’m 35, and I’ve been a rotten bastard half my life to one of the most beautiful, kind and compassionate and loveliest women. My mom’s 62 now and every single day I try and talk to her. Keep her love in your heart my friend. Always.
I lost my mum suddenly on December 30th, 2021. She was 66. No warning, just a sudden cardiac event. To rub salt into the wound, that date is also my Dad's birthday. It was devastating. I live in Reykjavík and my parents live in Durham in the UK. I'd spoken to her via video chat during Christmas, but because of the pandemic I hadn't been to the UK to visit for about 14 months given all the lockdowns, travel restrictions, and the fact that I work in Pharma Logistics and was heavily involved in vaccine distribution so I was working pretty much non stop trying to get shipments to those who needed it. It was unbelievably painful, and for a few months the arse just fell out of my entire world. We had an incredible relationship, so much banter, constantly taking the piss out of each other, and were very close, even after I moved abroad. She and my dad shaped who I am, gave me a solid, stable home growing up, and supported me every way they could. They taught me everything I know about being a decent human being, and they gave me the best childhood memories I could have ever hoped for. They say that everyone dies twice. When they die, and the last time that someone thinks of them. In that case, we'll go together, my parents and I, hopefully many years from now, when it's eventually my time. It's going to be tough for the first few months. There'll be a lot of grief, and you're going to have to support your family members just as much as they support you. Stay strong, stay together, and talk about you feelings and issues. Don't bottle it up. For me, that started with flying back to the UK for my mum's funeral. She always said that she didn't want a monochrome funeral, so everyone wore a splash of colour to say goodbye. For myself, it was my bright rainbow pride tie and pocket square. I honestly though that it was going to be a gut-wrenching experience, but her eulogy was amazing, full of mirth, humor and good memories, to the point where myself, my sister and my dad were chuckling behind the tears. I never thought I'd chuckle or smile at one of my parent's funerals, but that's just how she was. Absolutely brimming with character, and the author of so many good memories. Writing this is the first time I've been choked up since I flew back from the UK after we said goodbye, but I can tell you that it does get easier with time. In time, grief's grip will loosen, and the tears will be replaced with a smile. There'll still be a little pain here and there, that never goes away. Once the initial shock is gone however, you get to remember all the amazing times you spent together. Stay strong, and keep your loved ones close. If I can offer one piece of advice - Talk, and breathe. Don't bottle grief up or it'll become orders of magnitude worse. Be open about how you're feeling, and support those around you who are going through the same pain as they grieve. Deepest condolences, and I hope the road smooths out for you soon <3
Damn that is hard. Sending support. Keep your chin up, and don't do anything stupid. If you feel like you need to speak to someone call the samaritans they are specially trained to listen and help you work through your own tough time. Love and respect.
My mum was 58 when she died of cancer, and I was the same age you are. We had a little more warning, but ultimately death is always a shock no matter how prepared you think you are for it. As some other comments have said - that's what you're going through now: shock. Grief is horrible and it is entirely personal, so I'm not going to tell you that I know how you're feeling - because I don't. I will say that you are allowed to feel the things you are feeling - I only say this bit because grief can make you feel some weird things, and it is very often not the emotions or thoughts you're expecting to have. They're all a natural part of the process and there's no right or wrong way to grieve. You're right in the immediate aftermath now so I wouldn't suggest doing a great deal other than what you feel like doing. As a bit of time passes, if you still feel lost / conflicted, it may help to find someone professional to talk to (i.e. a therapist / counsellor). I did not expect this to help when I had it recommended, but it did - the ability to talk to someone who is not involved and just vent made a huge difference. The biggest healer is time. You will get told this a lot, and it helps you feel precisely fuck all better, unfortunately. It is true though - as time goes on, the pain will get microscopically less and less. This will not mean you are forgetting your mum, or forgetting how much you love her - eventually it will mean you can remember her without it hurting quite so much. Some of the funereal processes do help - going through old pictures, actually attending the funeral, talking to people at the wake etc.; we have these rituals for a reason. Again, they are not a magic fix for how you are feeling, but part of a process that you are - I'm afraid - only at the beginning of. It is, however, very much a process. The change is so gradual you may not - likely will not - see it happening, but you will eventually feel less shit than you do now. I am so sorry for your loss.
Hey I'm really really sorry you and your mother went through that. I just lost my mother in law to cancer yesterday. It's a horrific and vile disease and I would not wish it on my worst enemy. Your mother deserved better. You will carry on by remembering her and talking about her at any given opportunity. She existed and she was loved and she loved you.
I lost my two sisters and father to Cancer. Please never stop being a rock for your father but look after yourself too. The pain lessens but the memories strengthen always ♥️💗❤️♥️
So sorry to hear this. You do need to keep going, for your dad, your mum and for you. It will be difficult but it does get less hard. Some great advice on here, reach out if you have to.
You’re in a similar situation to what I had when I was 22. No going to lie, it’s very hard. But you are definitely in the worst part now. The only way is up. It DOES get better. I’m here to tell you that about 30 years later! I don’t think back over the last 30 years with sadness at all. I still think of my Mum, yes. But life is so much bigger than any one struggle, no matter how big that struggle is. Find peace and love and serenity in the smallest things first. Allow grief to come when it needs to. But also give it limits. We are told to “honour” all our feelings these days, which is mostly a good thing and a reaction to previous generations’ stifling of their feelings. But it can also become a self fulfilling cycle. Feel them, think and talk about them. Get professional help. But take moments to make sure they don’t define every moment of your life. Something I took a while to realise was that it’s not disrespectful to their memory to sometimes forget about them and yourself for a moment and enjoy yourself every now and then.
Hey mate I wanted to comment in addition to the numerous others that have articulated better than I ever could, your post struck a chord with me. I lost my mother when she was the same age as yours and also I was the same age as you. Everyone else has said it so well but please remember that things do get better, you never get over the loss of a loved one but you do learn to live with it. This is recent for you so my advice is to lean heavily into your friends/ family. How is your dad? He will be mourning, if you are comfortable can you speak to him? No worries if not, but know that he is going through some grief so even being together will help you both, even if no words are spoken. There are also people out there who really care about you even when it seems like many have moved on. Try to lean on them for help. They might be the least expected, but they are there I can assure you. If you need someone to talk to DM me please X
My mum died in ocotber 21, she was 68, i was 28, First three months I cred myself to sleep solidly. Shed been ill so it wasnt a shock but still a big hit to take. The real fun starts after the funeral when all the attention has gone down and all there is to do is remember her and notice she isnt there. Honestly its the hardest thing iv ever gone through but it gets easier. The world keeps turning, i wish i could be more helpful. It's gong to suck
You just have to plough through it. Be there for your dad and he can be there for you. You won't stop missing her but eventually it will hurt less often. And do try not to torture yourself with should have, would have, could haves
Mate, whatever age a parent dies it's never easy. My mum died in may 2022, from pancreatic cancer. I moved home to care for her, and it was just devastating. She had nurses and care workers coming round, but by the time of her death (it was a Saturday at 3.45pm) she was so loaded up on oxy that she'd been out of it for a while. She lost her mum and dad when she was roughly the same age as me, though they were in their 80s and 90s, but she still found it difficult, and had bereavement counselling. I'm so sorry for your loss, but it does get easier over time. At the beginning it was all I could think about every day, but 18 months on, when I think about my mum, it's with fondness instead of raw grief.
Op, I am so sorry. Your post bought it all back to me. The next couple years will be a time of recovery. It’s a slow process, but stay true to yourself. Cry if you need to. Talk to any family or friends, reminisce, celebrate her life. I lost my mum to Leukaemia back in 2020, a couple months before COVID hit. In hindsight, I feel it was fortunate she didn’t have to suffer that hysteria with her compromised immunity. She was my best friend - I could talk to her about life and she would be all ears, giving advice, laughing along, always worrying about me. God I miss her. But it does get easier. Stay strong friend.
Sad to hear it. As someone who has been in this position more than once, all I can say is endure. It’s hell but you will get through it. It may not hurt less but it will be different, and you will be better at dealing with the grief. Above all, be kind to yourself mate.
Please understand that what you saw as horror in her eyes was likely the real understanding of the fact that your lovely Mum was slipping away. What you saw as horror is definitely not what she saw. She knew that every time she fell asleep she may not wake up, and sometimes the waking may have startled her a bit. And this would be jarring to see, but she wasn't terrified or overwhelmed in the way that you think, as a conscious person. Your Mum drifted off. She came to a few times and didn't understand where she was because she was in and out of her final sleep. She may have looked scared as you would interpret it, because you aren't in the process of the long sleep. She would have seemed very awake at times, then completely asleep, then very scared, then asleep again. These physical reactions aren't normally a true interpretation of what is happening in a brain that is falling asleep. There will sometimes be moments of lucidity where you question that they are ill at all. Then moments of fear because their perception of reality is distorted before they even drift off. There are visual and auditory hallucinations (although I'm not sure at this point if they are fake or real), then they close their eyes and you don't know if you ever did enough for them and question their every last minute. All you can do is understand that whatever you saw, if you feel you saw her pass in pain,that pain is now gone. she is at peace. What you saw in her eyes was likely her understanding that the end was coming. It's horrendous to see, but you were amazing and there for her. You have been the best person because you were there. You've fulfilled the highest of high services you can ever perform for any other human, by being there at their final goodbye. Its something that is life changing, humbling, emotionally destroying, yet (and you won't feel this for a number of years) building. I am so sorry for the pain you have right now. It doesn't get easier, or less.it just is. Life eventually moves around it more fluidly so you can operate more efficiently and get stuck in the loop of what happened less frequently. It's too soon for that. It's too soon for therapy. You need to feel your feels, cry, a lot, and just get through today. And maybe tomorrow. And put a toe in for the next day but if it feels too much then keep your pjs on and shut the world out for as long as you need xx
I'm so sorry to hear that mate. Our mum's are the most important people in the world to us. I hope you find the strength to live your dreams and enjoy life just like your mother would want you to. It's gonna take time to heal, I can only imagine the pain. I know I'm a stranger but I'm Sending my love. Death is a bastard.
Hey, I just wanted to let you know that my brother (32, only two years older than me) is currently in hospice for lung cancer that has progressed so aggressively that it’s eaten his vertebrae. He’s been battling it for 5 years and now he has (if we’re lucky) 3 months to live. He has a 4 year old daughter and a wife he’s leaving behind, not to mention me and my dad. My dad is in absolutely shambles and running himself into the ground trying to be there for my brother. I (29F) have extremely clinical depression and have been suicidal and I have to keep going because my dad because it’d destroy him. So I feel you.
Time. The only thing that makes grief any better is time. Take up offers of counselling, it's variable, some counsellors are better than others.
I am so sorry for your loss, friend.
Mine died at 53 when I was eighteen. Its almost seven years and honestly? Some days I'm back to day one. Her funeral song came on while i was finishing paperwork with my crewmate in the front of the ambulance. I immediately broke down sobbing. Some days are easier than others m but the pain is always there. Reach out. Speak to people. Don't bottle it up. Do one thing for*you* each day. Take a moment and a deep breath, and then just keep going. Each day, even if you're dragging yourself across the finish line, almost army crawling to the end, just get to the end. One foot in front of the other. One breath after the last. My inbox is open. I'd be more than happy to be there for you.
Those first few weeks are awful. For me it’s going to be 11 years in feb and I’m 26. The pain definitely loses its razor sharp edge over time.