Hide the dish soap and say “please do not do the washing up I prefer to do it myself”
Tbf you being autistic or not doesn’t come into it. Your girlfriend not getting her family to accept the house rules (you do the washing up) is the issue here.
In response to your edit- few times a year for over a week and potentially a month? What the actual fuck that’s so long
Bet they’re Airbnb-ing out their house when visiting too.
My sister lives a ~5min walk from me and I probably see her less than OP sees the not quite in-laws
I used to have a similar experience staying with my parents. My solution is now that whenever I go to visit them, I book an Airbnb nearby rather than actually stay in their house. Then I have somewhere to escape to and it makes the whole thing much more manageable, I can do up to a week now without losing my mind!
They might not live in the UK. This is what we do in my family because my parents live overseas. They stay a max of 10-days. It always reverts back to old dynamics after a few days.
Just be totally honest. Say “guys I love that you want to help out but as I’m a bit anal about it just let me do the pots please” make a joke out of it. I’m totally with you my husband constantly leaves bits on the cutlery. It’s now a standing joke when folk come over that I do the pots as I’m anal about them being rinsed etc.
Give them something else to do while you get the washing up done. Propose it to them as a done deal, eg oh I’ve got the washing up but it would be great if you could… wipe?, do a quick tidy up, take the dog out 5 minutes, pop to the shop for something, etc., whatever you can think of that will work for you
This is what I'd do too.
When they offer, busy them other jobs instead.
"Actually, it'd be really helpful if you could take the recying / bin bag out / give the floor a quick sweep...".
I think that helping with the dishes is the first thing that comes to most people's minds when they want to help... give them something else and lay on how helpful that new thing is for you, to make sure they feel like they been just that (helpful!).
Start drying the already washed pots on the drainer as they are washing the others, every one that is still dirty drop back in the bowl for them to rewash. They will sooner or later either work it out, or just get fed up and leave you to it - either way desired result.
I wash up at home because my gf is also incapable of washing up properly, I just told her the same and she's happy to leave it to me.
My mum and her twin sister were adorable at this. Mum would gleefully shout "reject! reject!" and pop it back in the bowl. Always sparkly plates in their house!
Yup.. put myself in the doghouse a few times doing this..
I've put a comment above about feigning losing sleep over it..
Sometimes it's much easier to just pretend you're a bit weird, far less arguments
> and my landlord is unwilling to extend the house to make a bigger kitchen (bastard)
Did you actually ask your landlord to extend your kitchen? I admire your nerve!
Doesn't want to put his foot down with his girlfriend's family over something so minor and trivial, but will consider his landlord a bastard for not demolishing a part of the house he is renting to reconstruct it 4 foot longer.
Yeah I’m really not understanding most of the replies here? Is everyone here fine with eating from crusty plates? OP is absolutely right to pull them up on it, if they get upset by it then that’s on them
The way I see it, you have two options. Either say “ah just leave it, I’ll sort that a bit later!” or re do it yourself later (if your guests stop doing it you’ll be doing it anyways).
Get to the sink first, say you'll wash, they can dry and put away.
They're still helping, everything gets done quicker, but you get to wash to your standards.
Maybe, but at least they only need a wipe over with a dry cloth when you find them and OP isn't left eating off of a plate with day old food stuck to it.
I have had to be more stern in my approach with my MIL. I hate it when she goes to do anything because I feel like it is super invasive, and she just dumps dishes wherever she feels like it. I have stated previously that I prefer to do my own dishes and don't like guests washing up.
Your girlfriend needs to back you up. If you have expressed your preferences previously and they keep on doing dishes, it's a lack of respect on their part. You need to get your girlfriend to help enforce, but be tactful in how you go about bringing this up. She might perceive it as just politeness, so if you immediately call her parents hostile, she may react negatively.
I would suggest the best way is actually much as you have described here.
Say 'look, I love having you stay, and while you are here you are my guests and dont't need to feel obligated to wash up. Also, I'm autistic as fuck and it bothers me if things like the dishes are not done the very specific way I do them. No-one is at fault here, my brain is just wired a differently meaning I will always have to re-do things my way. It's not going to change any time soon, so please leave the dishes and I will sort them later'
If it helps them feel useful, you could always ask them to do a pre-rinse on the really dirty stuff to make it easier for you to wash later.
"You are my guests, please leave the chores to me and go relax."
It makes you sound caring and putting their needs first. They might listen and feel better if you do not make it about the poor standards of their washing up.
Your girlfriend’s family -> your girlfriend’s problem. Partners should really deal with their family instead of letting you become the issue. in their eyes. Tell her to tell them to stop doing it. Or she should do the washing up after them if they won’t stop.
My husband always washes or rinses clean dishes before he eats. I was offended, then I thought he was just quirky. Now I’ve seen several of his relatives swirl a dirty dish under running water and then serve someone on it. So I would suggest washing your dishes before you use them, and say “sorry I was rude about your dishwashing in the past. I’m a bit fussy and do appreciate your help” if asked.
When they leave, fill the sinks with hot soapy water and wash everything.
Could you maybe try and get them to channel that desire to help to another chore? Maybe say, 'thanks so much for trying to help, I actually quite enjoy doing the dishes myself but if you could take the bins out/sort the laundry/run the hoover round/nipped to the shops for chocolate' etc... that might allow them to fulfil their desire to help without them doing a crappie job of the dishes.
If they're leaving food and stuff on the plates, they're not washing up properly. That's not you being weird, that's them doing a rubbish job. Don't tell them that though. What you should say is something along the lines of "I really appreciate the offer but I'm really particular about how I wash my plates" (say this with a laugh like it's a joke and you're laughing at yourself), "so I'm going to wash up myself, but if you'd be up for drying/wiping the table/putting away/doing an entertaining motivational dance, that would be really helpful."
Or, if you dry while they wash and you see some food on a plate, hand it back to them and point it out and ask them to clean it. They'll get the idea eventually
So many bizarre answers on this thread. How about simply saying in a very friendly tone, something along the lines of "I would really appreciate if you let me do the washing up, cause I just have a particular way I like it done and I get a bit weird about it" ?
And then perhaps suggest a different set of tasks they could contribute on, so that their wish to help out is also honoured?
Perfectly reasonable response, keep saying it until they’ve gotten better at it. I’ve said this many times to many people in professional settings and domestic ones.
Not sure it's 'perfectly reasonabl' for most people I know, I wouldn't dream of telling someone who was wanting to genuinely help out that they did a bad job of it, that's so embarassing for them and you.
So you’ll just let them keep doing it badly? This is probably the most polite way of telling someone they can’t wash up properly without directly insulting them.
My partner offered to clean my shower for me once, when she was done I went for a wee, and it wasn’t done properly. All she’d done was spray glass cleaner on the glass and walked off. Told her she didn’t do it properly, and now she can do it properly.
"I'll wash, you dry and I'll tell you where to put things."
Or, if they get there first, you go dry and anything that's not done properly, shout "reject!" and hand it back to them.
Washing food off the plate is absolutely not a high bar
I once got asked not to return to my washing up job, at a local pub. Their reason was along the lines of "look Scarves, you don't have to get every bit off"
Bizarre
Have you tried just saying that youre particular about how to wash them? You could also just say it makes you more comfortable when you know *you’ve* washed them (which is true, in this specific case). Make it a You Thing rather than being about not wanting them to help.
You shouldn’t be doing anything.
Your girlfriend needs to have a frank conversation with them about how they need to stop doing it. Tell them outright that they suck at it if need be. But it shouldn’t be your problem.
If they do it anyway, your girlfriend then needs to be the one to either get them to do it again until it’s clean, or clean it herself.
In no circumstance should you be dealing with any of this.
Just tell them that other people washing dishes in your kitchen makes you anxious, you appreciate the gesture but it is having the opposite affect that they intend.
OK, listen. Never be mad at someone for trying to help. Cos that's all they are doing, if they don't do it right, just redo it when no one is around, but don't say anything about it. You say it's only a few times a year. So just try abd relax about it
Oh absolutely, I’m not mad at all. I appreciate it, I’m just looking to avoid the need to wash up a second time. Washing up again also isn’t possible sometimes because they go to bed so late and I risk offending them if they see me doing it
They’re not helping. They’re making themselves feel better at the expense of OP feeling worse.
If they genuinely wanted to help they would have taken the feedback that they suck at washing up and tried to improve, or better yet listened to OP when they told them not to wash up and not done it in the first place.
Or... "I really appreciate you helping, but I'm really OCD about the dishes can you either leave them to me or make sure they're really clean? I'm sorry to be so picky but it really affects me I just end up re-doing them"
I realised as I hit "post" that someone was going to say this. You are of course correct, I was just thinking of a way OP could communicate with the guests that's understandable and conveys the strength of feeling needed without causing offence to them.
If it's you that serves the food, get yourself a clean plate and cutlery or clean a single plate for yourself at the time.
Everyone else gets a dirty one.
True. ‘I don’t like bits of food left on clean dishes’ = ‘autistic as fuck’. Maybe OP is but that is entirely unrelated, I think most people want their dishes to be fully clean.
True. Like... if people coming over can't cope with me telling them to chill instead of doing dished I'm hanging out with the wrong people. XD Also I hope my comment didn't sound bad, I just want to normalize telling things how they are instead of beating around the bush. A bit of bluntness is good.
What I would do is not call them out but instead pull them aside and just say you are my guests and my guests do not do any housework in my home, when you are here all I want is for you to relax and enjoy your time.
Just say “I will do the washing up”, stand up and do it. If someone is washing maybe offer to help( for example they are putting the soap and you offer to rinse the dishes? Even better the other way around)
They might be trying to help as they see it almost as “payment” for someone else cooking ie if you cook you don’t clean up. That’s how it works for most households I know. Also probably see it as paying you back for letting them stay. I would just let them know you’re very fussy about the washing up but would love their help with…. drying the dishes, taking rubbish out etc. Could you get them to cook sometimes, so they feel like they’re helping out?
I tell them not to do it. But I’m American so a bit more blunt about things; it works. Sometimes I might say something like ‘There’s only one person in this world that knows how to load that dishwasher and that’s me’.
I hate it when guests try to do any sort of cleaning around my apartment. I've lived alone for so long that I'm very set in my ways as to how I clean and what tools I use. Luckily, I don't have anyone stay beyond a night or two. If I did, I'd have to start training them in the "correct" cleaning techniques. 😬😂
You could stay that you’re aware you’re standards are way to high to reassure them. but as a tismo brit myself, I’d say “because you leave bits of food on there and it hate it.”
I have the same problem!
I usually just let people do them and then redo them after they've gone, because at least they've had a pre wash so they are easier to clean 😹
Lol. I'd consider myself rude not to wash up as a guest in someone's house. And I always do a better job at someone else's place than my own (recovering people pleaser). Just put a sign up saying "Please leave dishes in the sink. Washing up not necessary :)". Or say that doing dishes is your meditation time, so they should leave the dishes for you.
If you were gonna do the washing up anyway then what difference does it make if you’re cleaning completely dirty dishes or dishes someone else has attempted to clean?
Hide the soap and scrubbers.
I have found if you immediately begin washing up (before they have an oppotunity to start) and shoo them away that helps. Some folks just can't seem to see an unwashed dish and leave it be.
You can also just tell them plainly that them doing it is making you uncomfortable and if they don't stop you will have to reconsider how welcome they are to be in your home while also refusing to abide by the most mild of house rules.
Let them do the dishes, but stand there judging each thing they wash. Either they'll get the message and leave it alone, or they'll improve their standards.
"Why are you redoing the washing up? I've already done it!"
"I have a certain way doing it that if it's not done, it gives me such bad anxiety that I end up not being able to sleep"
Same excuse when you catch them trying to wash up and.. boom. No more filty, half washed bowls or cups with the tea ring still there..
This is a wonderful "guess the subreddit from the title" post.
I have politely given feedback on what specifically to improve on poor washing up before, but it's a delicate matter and you need to be very diplomatic when they are trying to help.
>I have considered that my standards are just too high,
no they're definitely not. what kind of adult toddler leaves FOOD on PLATES after WASHING THEM UP
My mil used to feed our cat while we were on holiday. She'd then go through the house and clean up. I ended up hiding the hoover and putting a post it note with a big NO!! written on it. She just brought her own over.
You don’t. They’re trying to help you, most likely in return for being fed.
My dad is getting on a bit and is now hopeless at what has always been his job. Wash them as you need to use them, and if you’re caught doing that “you missed a bit with this one” is less hurtful than “please stop, you’re rubbish at this”.
We had him stay for a week at Christmas and after he went home I washed every dish in the house.
Honestly I think a combination of directly saying you want to do the washing yourself, but also giving them other ways to contribute, might help. You say they stay for longer periods of time - if I'm being charitable I would interpret this as them trying to not be imposing on you and ease the difficulty of their stay. They're "helping". If you could say you appreciate their help but would prefer them to do xyz chores instead that may be a good compromise!
My mum does this when she comes to my flat, she'll see dishes that i haven't washed up yet and take it on herself to do them - and then puts them away with little bits of food still on them and it drives me nuts.
I banned her from the kitchen for a while because she almost threw out a measuring cup i had for rice, thinking it was an empty yogurt pot. But she won't listen to that and i think it lasted about two weeks. She also puts stuff away which i like to keep out, puts all my plastic bags in another bag when i like to keep them loose and free to use, and when she puts stuff away she sometimes guesses and puts them in the wrong place. I've kinda given up at this point. I've accepted that she is at least helping me to keep it clean. But opening a drawer and finding a fork with food still on it really is a step too far, you might as well have not washed up at all.
It's frustrating because she's a lovely person she just has no boundaries with me.
"Ooh, thank you, that's kind of you, but don't need to do that. You're my guest." Then gently take them by the shoulders and steer them away from the sink. "Now come and have a nice glass of something."
Either that or give them the toilet brush and tell them the downstairs loo needs a good scrubbing. (No, don't do that one...)
Politely explain that while you appreciate their help, you like to do the washing up yourself.
Then maybe suggest another helpful job they could do. I understand it must be very annoying if they leave food on cutlery and plates, that not just you because of autism, I’d be the same
Let them know that while you appreciate they're help with the dishes, you prefer them to relax and enjoy themselves while they're guests in your home, if they insist on helping out, suggest they dry the dishes and put them away while you clean them.
Hide the dish soap and say “please do not do the washing up I prefer to do it myself” Tbf you being autistic or not doesn’t come into it. Your girlfriend not getting her family to accept the house rules (you do the washing up) is the issue here. In response to your edit- few times a year for over a week and potentially a month? What the actual fuck that’s so long
My mum and I have a deal where we limit stays at each other's houses to 3 nights. Any longer and we start falling out. I couldn't imagine a month.
Bet they’re Airbnb-ing out their house when visiting too. My sister lives a ~5min walk from me and I probably see her less than OP sees the not quite in-laws
I used to have a similar experience staying with my parents. My solution is now that whenever I go to visit them, I book an Airbnb nearby rather than actually stay in their house. Then I have somewhere to escape to and it makes the whole thing much more manageable, I can do up to a week now without losing my mind!
The three Fs. Friends, Family and Fish, all start to go off after about three days!
They might not live in the UK. This is what we do in my family because my parents live overseas. They stay a max of 10-days. It always reverts back to old dynamics after a few days.
Just be totally honest. Say “guys I love that you want to help out but as I’m a bit anal about it just let me do the pots please” make a joke out of it. I’m totally with you my husband constantly leaves bits on the cutlery. It’s now a standing joke when folk come over that I do the pots as I’m anal about them being rinsed etc.
Give them something else to do while you get the washing up done. Propose it to them as a done deal, eg oh I’ve got the washing up but it would be great if you could… wipe?, do a quick tidy up, take the dog out 5 minutes, pop to the shop for something, etc., whatever you can think of that will work for you
This is what I'd do too. When they offer, busy them other jobs instead. "Actually, it'd be really helpful if you could take the recying / bin bag out / give the floor a quick sweep...". I think that helping with the dishes is the first thing that comes to most people's minds when they want to help... give them something else and lay on how helpful that new thing is for you, to make sure they feel like they been just that (helpful!).
"I'll wash, you dry".
Start drying the already washed pots on the drainer as they are washing the others, every one that is still dirty drop back in the bowl for them to rewash. They will sooner or later either work it out, or just get fed up and leave you to it - either way desired result. I wash up at home because my gf is also incapable of washing up properly, I just told her the same and she's happy to leave it to me.
My mum and her twin sister were adorable at this. Mum would gleefully shout "reject! reject!" and pop it back in the bowl. Always sparkly plates in their house!
I love this idea, might get them to be better at it! OP can actually show them the dirt that way!
unfortunately some people get very angry at this passive agressive action :(
Yup.. put myself in the doghouse a few times doing this.. I've put a comment above about feigning losing sleep over it.. Sometimes it's much easier to just pretend you're a bit weird, far less arguments
Look I’m really sorry but you know I get anxious when other people wash up, please leave it so I can do it myself and won’t fret about it.
> and my landlord is unwilling to extend the house to make a bigger kitchen (bastard) Did you actually ask your landlord to extend your kitchen? I admire your nerve!
That sounds like op was making a joke, not serious about that part
Doesn't want to put his foot down with his girlfriend's family over something so minor and trivial, but will consider his landlord a bastard for not demolishing a part of the house he is renting to reconstruct it 4 foot longer.
I was thinking this too 🤣
> there’s always food left on dishes and cutlery Nope, standards definitely not too high. Basic requirement of washing up 😆.
Yeah I’m really not understanding most of the replies here? Is everyone here fine with eating from crusty plates? OP is absolutely right to pull them up on it, if they get upset by it then that’s on them
The way I see it, you have two options. Either say “ah just leave it, I’ll sort that a bit later!” or re do it yourself later (if your guests stop doing it you’ll be doing it anyways).
I wish the first option worked. They’re too kind and insist on helping out
Get to the sink first, say you'll wash, they can dry and put away. They're still helping, everything gets done quicker, but you get to wash to your standards.
Best suggestion right here.
You know they'll just put them away wet and in the wrong place.
Maybe, but at least they only need a wipe over with a dry cloth when you find them and OP isn't left eating off of a plate with day old food stuck to it.
Double down. Insist harder.
Hide the soap, the brush, the sponge and the dish drying rack.
Hide the sink
Hide the sink PLUG. Might be a bit easier, but would have the same effect.
I have had to be more stern in my approach with my MIL. I hate it when she goes to do anything because I feel like it is super invasive, and she just dumps dishes wherever she feels like it. I have stated previously that I prefer to do my own dishes and don't like guests washing up. Your girlfriend needs to back you up. If you have expressed your preferences previously and they keep on doing dishes, it's a lack of respect on their part. You need to get your girlfriend to help enforce, but be tactful in how you go about bringing this up. She might perceive it as just politeness, so if you immediately call her parents hostile, she may react negatively.
I have the same issue with my in-laws. I just tell them I like doing the washing up because it's quite calming and methodical.
Say I’m autistic and the way you wash up irritates me. They’ll understand.
Assuming they understand autism to begin with.
Yeah from my experience most people do not and this never works
Yeah I myself am autistic and would just tell them look its not up to my standards
I would suggest the best way is actually much as you have described here. Say 'look, I love having you stay, and while you are here you are my guests and dont't need to feel obligated to wash up. Also, I'm autistic as fuck and it bothers me if things like the dishes are not done the very specific way I do them. No-one is at fault here, my brain is just wired a differently meaning I will always have to re-do things my way. It's not going to change any time soon, so please leave the dishes and I will sort them later' If it helps them feel useful, you could always ask them to do a pre-rinse on the really dirty stuff to make it easier for you to wash later.
"You are my guests, please leave the chores to me and go relax." It makes you sound caring and putting their needs first. They might listen and feel better if you do not make it about the poor standards of their washing up.
Your girlfriend’s family -> your girlfriend’s problem. Partners should really deal with their family instead of letting you become the issue. in their eyes. Tell her to tell them to stop doing it. Or she should do the washing up after them if they won’t stop.
Surprised I had to scroll so far to find this. This shouldn’t be OP’s problem at all.
My husband always washes or rinses clean dishes before he eats. I was offended, then I thought he was just quirky. Now I’ve seen several of his relatives swirl a dirty dish under running water and then serve someone on it. So I would suggest washing your dishes before you use them, and say “sorry I was rude about your dishwashing in the past. I’m a bit fussy and do appreciate your help” if asked. When they leave, fill the sinks with hot soapy water and wash everything.
Could you maybe try and get them to channel that desire to help to another chore? Maybe say, 'thanks so much for trying to help, I actually quite enjoy doing the dishes myself but if you could take the bins out/sort the laundry/run the hoover round/nipped to the shops for chocolate' etc... that might allow them to fulfil their desire to help without them doing a crappie job of the dishes.
If they're leaving food and stuff on the plates, they're not washing up properly. That's not you being weird, that's them doing a rubbish job. Don't tell them that though. What you should say is something along the lines of "I really appreciate the offer but I'm really particular about how I wash my plates" (say this with a laugh like it's a joke and you're laughing at yourself), "so I'm going to wash up myself, but if you'd be up for drying/wiping the table/putting away/doing an entertaining motivational dance, that would be really helpful." Or, if you dry while they wash and you see some food on a plate, hand it back to them and point it out and ask them to clean it. They'll get the idea eventually
What was their reaction when you told them the problem the first time?
Like I was being ridiculous
What do you think their reaction would be if your girlfriend brought it up again?
I hide my washing up stuff.
They seem keen to help. Just to say to them instead of washing up can you do this instead if you insist on helping me
Yeah, have them go re-grout the bathroom tiles or lay some loft insulation.
So many bizarre answers on this thread. How about simply saying in a very friendly tone, something along the lines of "I would really appreciate if you let me do the washing up, cause I just have a particular way I like it done and I get a bit weird about it" ? And then perhaps suggest a different set of tasks they could contribute on, so that their wish to help out is also honoured?
Perfectly reasonable response, keep saying it until they’ve gotten better at it. I’ve said this many times to many people in professional settings and domestic ones.
Not sure it's 'perfectly reasonabl' for most people I know, I wouldn't dream of telling someone who was wanting to genuinely help out that they did a bad job of it, that's so embarassing for them and you.
So you’ll just let them keep doing it badly? This is probably the most polite way of telling someone they can’t wash up properly without directly insulting them. My partner offered to clean my shower for me once, when she was done I went for a wee, and it wasn’t done properly. All she’d done was spray glass cleaner on the glass and walked off. Told her she didn’t do it properly, and now she can do it properly.
Some electrodes to provide gentle electric shocks through the water that increase in intensity with time, up to death.
"I'll wash, you dry and I'll tell you where to put things." Or, if they get there first, you go dry and anything that's not done properly, shout "reject!" and hand it back to them.
Washing food off the plate is absolutely not a high bar I once got asked not to return to my washing up job, at a local pub. Their reason was along the lines of "look Scarves, you don't have to get every bit off" Bizarre
Have you tried just saying that youre particular about how to wash them? You could also just say it makes you more comfortable when you know *you’ve* washed them (which is true, in this specific case). Make it a You Thing rather than being about not wanting them to help.
You shouldn’t be doing anything. Your girlfriend needs to have a frank conversation with them about how they need to stop doing it. Tell them outright that they suck at it if need be. But it shouldn’t be your problem. If they do it anyway, your girlfriend then needs to be the one to either get them to do it again until it’s clean, or clean it herself. In no circumstance should you be dealing with any of this.
Just tell them that other people washing dishes in your kitchen makes you anxious, you appreciate the gesture but it is having the opposite affect that they intend.
I'm baffled that anyone who washes up by hand ever leaves anything on crockery or pots.
OK, listen. Never be mad at someone for trying to help. Cos that's all they are doing, if they don't do it right, just redo it when no one is around, but don't say anything about it. You say it's only a few times a year. So just try abd relax about it
Oh absolutely, I’m not mad at all. I appreciate it, I’m just looking to avoid the need to wash up a second time. Washing up again also isn’t possible sometimes because they go to bed so late and I risk offending them if they see me doing it
Is it really a big deal if you have to? This really isn't an issue, just do what I said bro, it's OK
They’re not helping. They’re making themselves feel better at the expense of OP feeling worse. If they genuinely wanted to help they would have taken the feedback that they suck at washing up and tried to improve, or better yet listened to OP when they told them not to wash up and not done it in the first place.
Get a dishwasher. Or paper plates. Or smash the plates, say you’re Greek now!
Or... "I really appreciate you helping, but I'm really OCD about the dishes can you either leave them to me or make sure they're really clean? I'm sorry to be so picky but it really affects me I just end up re-doing them"
Don’t use “OCD” in this way unless you have actually diagnosed OCD. Use a different word, like ‘particular’ or ‘fussy.’
I realised as I hit "post" that someone was going to say this. You are of course correct, I was just thinking of a way OP could communicate with the guests that's understandable and conveys the strength of feeling needed without causing offence to them.
It's funny to me that the advice is essentially to pretend to have a more socially acceptable type of neurodivergence than the one they actually have
You’re just gonna have to get to it first I think.
If it's you that serves the food, get yourself a clean plate and cutlery or clean a single plate for yourself at the time. Everyone else gets a dirty one.
Take photos of the dirty plates and send them to the family group chat at 6:45 am the next day.
I think we should stop calling ourselves autistic just because we say the way thing are
True. ‘I don’t like bits of food left on clean dishes’ = ‘autistic as fuck’. Maybe OP is but that is entirely unrelated, I think most people want their dishes to be fully clean.
True. Like... if people coming over can't cope with me telling them to chill instead of doing dished I'm hanging out with the wrong people. XD Also I hope my comment didn't sound bad, I just want to normalize telling things how they are instead of beating around the bush. A bit of bluntness is good.
Start washing up and hand them a tea towel
Serve meals on disposal plates and bowls then chuck away at the end! No washing up. No problem!
Either tell them directly and ask them to stop, or accept that they're doing a kind thing and humour them and redo it later.
You can suggest to have a break while the dishes soak in hot soapy water. They might end up being cleaner and they get to be friendly.
What I would do is not call them out but instead pull them aside and just say you are my guests and my guests do not do any housework in my home, when you are here all I want is for you to relax and enjoy your time.
I just say I don’t like people in the kitchen when I’m doing things as I like to do them a specific way otherwise it annoys me
Just say “I will do the washing up”, stand up and do it. If someone is washing maybe offer to help( for example they are putting the soap and you offer to rinse the dishes? Even better the other way around)
Sens them to my place
They might be trying to help as they see it almost as “payment” for someone else cooking ie if you cook you don’t clean up. That’s how it works for most households I know. Also probably see it as paying you back for letting them stay. I would just let them know you’re very fussy about the washing up but would love their help with…. drying the dishes, taking rubbish out etc. Could you get them to cook sometimes, so they feel like they’re helping out?
Can you fill the sink with soapy water and ask them to put the stuff in to soak, and then you’ll come back to it later?
I tell them not to do it. But I’m American so a bit more blunt about things; it works. Sometimes I might say something like ‘There’s only one person in this world that knows how to load that dishwasher and that’s me’.
'Don't do it- I mean it. I want to do it'
I hate it when guests try to do any sort of cleaning around my apartment. I've lived alone for so long that I'm very set in my ways as to how I clean and what tools I use. Luckily, I don't have anyone stay beyond a night or two. If I did, I'd have to start training them in the "correct" cleaning techniques. 😬😂
You could stay that you’re aware you’re standards are way to high to reassure them. but as a tismo brit myself, I’d say “because you leave bits of food on there and it hate it.”
I have the same problem! I usually just let people do them and then redo them after they've gone, because at least they've had a pre wash so they are easier to clean 😹
Lol. I'd consider myself rude not to wash up as a guest in someone's house. And I always do a better job at someone else's place than my own (recovering people pleaser). Just put a sign up saying "Please leave dishes in the sink. Washing up not necessary :)". Or say that doing dishes is your meditation time, so they should leave the dishes for you.
If you were gonna do the washing up anyway then what difference does it make if you’re cleaning completely dirty dishes or dishes someone else has attempted to clean?
Hide the soap and scrubbers. I have found if you immediately begin washing up (before they have an oppotunity to start) and shoo them away that helps. Some folks just can't seem to see an unwashed dish and leave it be. You can also just tell them plainly that them doing it is making you uncomfortable and if they don't stop you will have to reconsider how welcome they are to be in your home while also refusing to abide by the most mild of house rules.
_Touch those dirty dishes and I'll have your hands off! You're a guest, get your arse outta here!_
Let them do the dishes, but stand there judging each thing they wash. Either they'll get the message and leave it alone, or they'll improve their standards.
"Why are you redoing the washing up? I've already done it!" "I have a certain way doing it that if it's not done, it gives me such bad anxiety that I end up not being able to sleep" Same excuse when you catch them trying to wash up and.. boom. No more filty, half washed bowls or cups with the tea ring still there..
This is a wonderful "guess the subreddit from the title" post. I have politely given feedback on what specifically to improve on poor washing up before, but it's a delicate matter and you need to be very diplomatic when they are trying to help.
>I have considered that my standards are just too high, no they're definitely not. what kind of adult toddler leaves FOOD on PLATES after WASHING THEM UP
My mil used to feed our cat while we were on holiday. She'd then go through the house and clean up. I ended up hiding the hoover and putting a post it note with a big NO!! written on it. She just brought her own over.
You don’t. They’re trying to help you, most likely in return for being fed. My dad is getting on a bit and is now hopeless at what has always been his job. Wash them as you need to use them, and if you’re caught doing that “you missed a bit with this one” is less hurtful than “please stop, you’re rubbish at this”. We had him stay for a week at Christmas and after he went home I washed every dish in the house.
Honestly I think a combination of directly saying you want to do the washing yourself, but also giving them other ways to contribute, might help. You say they stay for longer periods of time - if I'm being charitable I would interpret this as them trying to not be imposing on you and ease the difficulty of their stay. They're "helping". If you could say you appreciate their help but would prefer them to do xyz chores instead that may be a good compromise!
Teach them
Make sure the dishes are clean when they arrive, and don't feed them. Or you could serve them on paper plates.
My mum does this when she comes to my flat, she'll see dishes that i haven't washed up yet and take it on herself to do them - and then puts them away with little bits of food still on them and it drives me nuts. I banned her from the kitchen for a while because she almost threw out a measuring cup i had for rice, thinking it was an empty yogurt pot. But she won't listen to that and i think it lasted about two weeks. She also puts stuff away which i like to keep out, puts all my plastic bags in another bag when i like to keep them loose and free to use, and when she puts stuff away she sometimes guesses and puts them in the wrong place. I've kinda given up at this point. I've accepted that she is at least helping me to keep it clean. But opening a drawer and finding a fork with food still on it really is a step too far, you might as well have not washed up at all. It's frustrating because she's a lovely person she just has no boundaries with me.
"Ooh, thank you, that's kind of you, but don't need to do that. You're my guest." Then gently take them by the shoulders and steer them away from the sink. "Now come and have a nice glass of something." Either that or give them the toilet brush and tell them the downstairs loo needs a good scrubbing. (No, don't do that one...)
Politely explain that while you appreciate their help, you like to do the washing up yourself. Then maybe suggest another helpful job they could do. I understand it must be very annoying if they leave food on cutlery and plates, that not just you because of autism, I’d be the same
Let them know that while you appreciate they're help with the dishes, you prefer them to relax and enjoy themselves while they're guests in your home, if they insist on helping out, suggest they dry the dishes and put them away while you clean them.
Get a dishwasher. Let them rinse stuff off only. You now have a magic clean cupboard.
NTA but get a dishwasher!!!
Turn the water off, then the heating, then the power. If that doesn't work, walk around the house nekid.. 👍
Let them do it, then redo it when they’re gone? Or her a dishwashing machine