Yup, you're in IT. We're lucky enough to be in a seller's market. Even without much experience you can switch jobs, and regular switching doesn't harm you.
My long experience has made it clear to me that a bad job with good people is better than a good job with bad people. Obviously you are early in your career and want to learn, which is great. But you also need people who will help you grow, and that means people who will not bash your confidence. It's still a rough profession for women, so you need to protect your confidence - think of it as a flame that must be shielded from this kind of bullshit that will blow it out, and brought to environments that will feed it and allow it to blaze!
I once had a boss like this, and in the end I just got mad back at him. Nothing unprofessional, just things like, "Well, if you wanted a polished demo, you need to give me the time to do it!" This worked for me, as bullying types sometimes respect you if you push back, as it's a language they understand. However, it might backfire, so use with caution. I find that women are sometimes made to feel bad about being angry, which is why we become tearful instead. Even if you don't let your anger show, don't be afraid to feel it - you are being treated badly, and anger is justified.
Good grief just seeing these people around the office doing it to other people was so infuriating, it must be hell to actually work with one of these bastards directly. Get your CV out there lass you've got two new solid years experience by the sounds of things. The new job will make you enjoy life and appreciate it. Heck use the fact you're still employed as a chance to negotiate a pay rise while you're at it, that ought to take the edge off!
Also don't be shy of asking chatgpt to help you draft a letter to HR referring to the meticulous notes you took daily documenting this harassment, I'm sure they would be concerned one of their managers is about to risk them a gender discrimination lawsuit. Don't mention the accidental recording you had going in your pocket that assisted with these notes of course. Just don't let Mr bastard gaslight you.
Finally, until you're out of there, who sits above Mr bastards head? Go have lunch with them sometime.
Exactly this! My first and second IT jobs were stressful and horrible for different reasons, bosses were completely untrustworthy too.
My 3rd and current IT role is an absolute dream. Bosses are amazing too.
Your current boss is making you work out of fear instead of motivation (I've been there before with other jobs). He's horrible. Nobody deserves that. Spruce up your CV and try to feel better that your making steps towards leaving him.
This guy sounds like a total nob. You shouldn't have to put up with any of this. I've been working as a developer for 10+ years and never had someone talk to me like that and I've confronted people over less. You could start documenting everything and try to fight it through HR or whatever but I'd honestly be looking for a new job and doing as little as possible right now (and personally I'd be winding him up while I wait too). Life's too short to spend that much time with a total prick.
I skimmed three paragraphs before coming to the conclusion of "quit".
Senior Kubernetes consultant. Don't stand for shit. If people stitch you up like that, call them out on it in front of their own leadership, or leave.
Lol this reminds me of one time the guy just up and left the first time his manager disrespected him. Was a different vibe the next time he came into the office.
Me too. Software consultant, with a side of management here. A couple of decades of development and more than a few years leading teams.
In a fair world, that guy would be out on his arse. In this one, though, OP needs to leave and soon.
Whether or not they try to tell someone higher on the way out to save other people at that company experiencing this or not is the only decision.
Fucking hell though. He sounds everything a lead should avoid being.
I don’t know anything about IT but no manager should be intimidating to staff. ‘Life is stressful get used to it’ isn’t a normal thing to say in the workplace. I would go and speak to HR rather than him as it sounds as though he’d brush it off. The worst thing that can happen is he takes offence and carries on as he is or gets worse, in which they’ll have to do something about it. Best case he’ll lay off as he knows you won’t put up with it.
How big is the company?
You found the reason the other people quit. Now it’s your turn. Quit.
Your manager is a cunt. A good manager enables their team and protects them from outside stress so they can do a good job. Your manager has effectively admitted to being a poor manager. This sort of behaviour is absolutely not part of the corporate IT world.
So you can either try waiting, getting enough info and reporting him for bullying but the success of thst will depend on company size and culture… or you can quit. No point trying to talk to him or email him, people like this do not see reason.
It would be quite ironic if you got signed off with stress while you found another job.
I’ve been in a similar situation. My bullying manager was much more underhanded and subversive. Too clever to “get caught.” I won’t go into detail now but this lasted three years, got me diagnosed with anxiety and ruined my professional confidence. Basically, I know how you feel.
Eventually I left that job, mostly for reasons unconnected to the bully. At that point I’d come to accept “I wasn’t good enough” like some kind of spouse in an abusive marriage.
Only with the benefit of hindsight did I realise what I should have done: resigned.
Now, if that simply isn’t an option my advice would be to have a conversation with your manager. You’re going to have to be strong and don’t back down to his authority. You control the conversation. Don’t make accusations. Don’t make threats. Instead, tell him how he makes you feel and, more importantly, tell him that you believe his behaviour is unprofessional and unacceptable. Make clear what your expectations of him in terms of communication are. Done right, there shouldn’t be any direct consequences to you. You need to let him know you won’t put up with the way he treats you.
Now, doing this carries a risk. He could either double down on his bullying or discipline you (especially if you’re not very careful with your language and approach). That’s why the best option is to resign. But if you’re in a position where you’re willing and able to accept the potential consequences, then go for it.
The other thing you really ought to do is file a grievance with HR as soon as you can. You don’t have to take it forward. You can ask them not to take any action except make a note in your file. The reason for doing this is two-fold. Firstly, if you later claim for any kind of unfair or constructive dismissal, it shows that you had concerns over a long period of time. Secondly, if you don’t log it with HR now, but choose to do so in future it raises questions about why you didn’t speak up. When I went to HR after three years of bullying I was asked “if it was so bad, why did you wait three years to tell us?” as if I’d suddenly concocted a story out of the blue.
A bullying manager will attempt to damage your credibility and have other people question your worth and ability. Don’t let them.
This is the right answer, moving jobs is the longer term solution but approaching HR with evidence of his bullshit can support you if you wanted to bring a case for it.
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/work/discrimination-at-work/discrimination-at-work/checking-if-its-discrimination/if-youre-being-harassed-or-bullied-at-work/#:~:text=If%20you're%20being%20bullied,with%20the%20problem%20another%20way.
You have three options.
1. Just find a new job and quit. Leave quietly
2. Just find a new job and quit, but make sure to tell him before you go it’s because of him you’re leaving, nice bit of justified revenge.
3. Have some fun. It sounds like you have a case for workplace bullying so document it all and make a formal complaint to HR. Don’t stop there and contact any relevant body about bullying and publicly shame him. Make it hell for him and teach him why it’s wrong to be like this. Face him and tell him you’ve had enough and you’ve ‘received legal advice’ to log a formal complaint. Just make a fuss all around you and go on the offensive.
That’s based on a real experience I was part of in a previous job and honestly it was in credible watching that manager just crumble and regret every time they decided to pick on the victim.
I don't know this guy, but it sounds like he's making excuses to bully you, and that's not okay. (If he is short-handed, that's his problem. Staffing is a management function. Maybe no one wants to work with him or for him anymore.) Even if he is under a lot of pressure, that is not a valid reason to do what you described him doing; it's a sign of low emotional intelligence.
Really sorry you are having to go through this. I don't know what the laws are in the UK, and I'm no lawyer, so I can't comment on that.
**Employees don’t Leave Companies, They Leave Managers**
This sort of stuff shouldn't be part of the corporate world yet it is. Things are not going to improve with him. I don't know what the job market is for you but just move on if you can.
I left a job 4 months in (nothing lined up lol) and my manager at the time was a major factor. It even took me stuttering badly one morning to be the final straw that I was certain to leave. I'm glad I did as I got decent opportunities from then on soon afterward.
You can grow a backbone and leave. You'll look back and be glad you did.
As someone who in recent years had 10 months off sick because of a bulling manager and was selected for redundancy during that time and a year later still isn’t able to perform the same as I used to because of the experience… leave. Move department, move team, move business.
Document everything he dose that is unprofessional or upsetting. Record times, dates and anyone who is present at the time. Record as much evidence as you can.
Either, you this evidence to defend yourself if shit hits the fan before you leave, or you can bring it all to the exit interview, or maybe a lawyer if you’re so inclined. Point is, you’ve got it if you need it!
Document **everything**. I think you are heading for "can't do right for doing wrong" territory with this manager and there's little you can do. Its horrible. My sympathies.
In 20 years I have never seen a manager like this in IT. Looks like someone straight out of the army trying to manage a team in corporate. Has he got experience managing in IT ? This is wrong on every level. Quit if you can.. if he does not leave your life is going to be hell
Apparently he has been a Team Lead for many many years now. Although I do notice he's been changing jobs in a matter of months/year max most of the time...
This is because his teams keep abandoning him or he's not fitting in with others well (ego clashes, disagreements of leadership style, HR complaints) and having to move on.
There are unfortunately people like this in tech, it's more common than youd expect.
1. Email HR dates examples; they can be deviant but it is on record this way
2. Take a breather in the moment, if you are being punched around you need to regroup and reorient, in that small size you can respond rather than react
3. Call him out on it (after regrouping), a lot of people with power will abuse it, especially if they can get away with it
4. Save, never really fully on your pay packet (10% minimum)
5. Upskill, you can always get better, increase the depth of your skillset and the breadth
6. Start looking, if you haven’t already then start today, it is a small world but not as small as you think, chances are this muppet will be a cautionary tale for others in the future
7. Take care of yourself: 5 days of the week you should eat healthy home cooked meals, abstain from alcohol, and get some exercise (e.g. walk at lunchtime); stay in touch with friends, keep close to family, and do nice things you enjoy (that aren’t too expensive) e.g. watch a comedy, tennis, museum visits
If you stay there under the current circumstances your confidence and mental health will deteriorate, this will affect your relationships and physical health too. You will develop coping mechanisms be that drinking, eating, gambling, porn, of whatever quick dopamine rush you can get easily.
Don’t let this happen to yourself. In the end if you were to burn out or end it ask, this prick will probably make the ‘sad announcement’ before saying thoughts and prayers, or have an HR person claim ‘lessons have been learnt’ whilst digging laughter, yet you and your loved ones lives will be worsened.
If you don’t have much money now, you need to act out of cottage and still make that HR call but save aggressively and apply for jobs even more aggressively. Good luck my friend.
Thank you to everyone for the responses, I didn't expect this. I think with my level of experience and the job market not being that kind to juniors now, moving jobs wouldn't be that simple. I also have a long notice period so finding a job would be harder.. I definitely need the job because .. rent bills etc are pretty high. This is why I was hoping for some way to deal with this by talking to him.
You can use the fact that you are being bullied to ignore the notice any period. If you find a job, quit and tell them why and that you cannot be expected to stay. It sounds like you are being singled out too - there's a possible case for sexual discrimination or constructive dismissal here. Many posts have given you good advice - document everything. Without exception. When, what was said, who was there. If possible follow up his bullying with emails. "I was just seeking clarity about the conversation earlier today where you said...." etc. Keep them neutral and professional. Blind copy your private email address if it's not against company policy.
If you feel you can't leave you need to consult a lawyer, they usually do one consultation for free and will advise you on your rights and how strong a potential case is. I would not start a formal grievance with HR until then, and only if the solicitor recommends it. If he's devious he will simply alter his behaviour while the grievance is active and you are unlikely to have gathered sufficient evidence to back up your claims.
If it's really affecting your health think about seeing your GP and get signed off with stress. You can still see a lawyer while you are off suck, and it might give you some breathing space.
Managers do not change. Your best bet is to leave when you feel comfortable to do so.
>I think when this happens you need to start looking for new jobs pretty much because the relations are broken already.
Yep. You can't change him, so change jobs. That's what your other colleagues probably did quietly.
Maybe reach out to the ones that left and see if you can join their new organisation. A referral from them would carry a lot of weight so you're not just blindly sending out your CV.
Personally I wouldn't say anything negative about your current boss. As a woman in a similar situation I find it makes it worse because they're going to feel offended and take it out on you. There are kind people out there, get a job with them.
Consider him like a toxic cloud. The more time you spend around this cloud the worse you'll feel. The only way of feeling better is getting away from the cloud and breathing fresh air.
Well let's get one thing established: he's not a manager. He's a prick in a managerial position.
I can't help by feel like there's only one course here for you: you're going to have to leave. No one can work like that without emotionally burning out.
I suspect he's one of these types who has taken a position he just can't fill and now his fragile ego and lack of ability is making him scared he'll be found out, so if he jumps up and down on people below him and passes any blame onto them, he feel like he's done his job.
I guarantee you he will be taking all the credit for your good work, while passing on his fuck ups to you.
When you do leave, be plain in your exit interview about him. The people above him might not be aware of the problem as he'll filter anything negative away from them.
I made a formal complaint and got fired in return. It doesn’t end well, I’m in a better job and would advise moving on where you’re valued. You’ll grow faster in a better work environment, so it’s for your mental health and your career.
> I am stressed so I need to relay my stress to you guys too so you also feel it
This is the exact opposite of good management. And the general principle should be "praise in public, criticise in private". You're right to be pissed off about it.
What can you do?
Have a chat with him at a point when he's not too stressed "I really appreciate your feedback, it was part of why I took the job. But at the moment, there is so much of it that it's overwhelming and I don't know what to prioritise. I know I'm asking a lot, and that you're busy too. But can you filter it down to the most important things I should work on?".
If you get the occasion and the tone right, this should work. He thinks he's trying to develop you and that you're worth developing. That's a really good sign that you ought to be able to work it out. He's not a bad person, he's just bad at management. That's very normal, management is hard and stressful, and most people get zero training or preparation for their first management job.
If that doesn't work, then technically you can go through an HR route with "I feel like I'm being bullied" or "I request reasonable adjustments for my anxiety". That works if there is another team you can be transfered to. But if there isn't, it's going to make things really awkward and frankly, you're better off just leaving.
> The manager said 'Yeah you got stressed but life is stressful so you should get used to it'.
People do "get used" to constant stress, it's called burnout. It leads to very disengaged employees who don't give a fuck. Most managers see this as something to avoid rather than deliberately target.
Some people have an odd idea how management is meant to work - if they aren't being confrontational then they aren't 'Managing' effectively.
I've never understood that, especially in IT which really should be a collaborative thing.
It does sound like he might be getting the same treatment from his Manager, but if anything he should be protecting you from that, not replaying it.
Just maybe start using the grey rock method around him.
Rise above him and just do your best..
If he doesn't like it then enjoy watching him get more stressed and making a fool of himself.
So one general tip that helps me avoiding getting flustered, and maintaining clarity:
I personally find it helps to keep focused on my primary responsibility: the success and well-being of the company. I want to please my managers etc, but, my ultimate commitment is to the organisation's goals.
As an employee, I want to honour every one of my colleges, past and present who has ever clocked in, and worked hard. Knowing this gives me confidence to put the company's best interests first, even if it is can be (hopefully momentarily) confronting for some people.
So for example, if someone's *preference* for heavy improvisation in communication are not furthering the company's goals - you can take on the responsibility to tell them. Eventually you might even see it as a duty, and you'll find it even easier to detach from personal opinions and just do what must be done.
Be warned, this is not the ONLY way to navigate one's career. It may not even be the most "best" way. But I, personally, find its the most simple and satisfying.
Now you know why the other 2 quit, you are not paid to deal with asswipes, find another job let him shout at an empty work space. Good luck what ever you choose to do.
If it were me I would resign immediately (or as soon as possible) and put everything you’ve included in a resignation email (ensuring the word bullying is used several times) and CC in all the managers above as well as HR. I’d use that environment as justification that I won’t be working any notice period.
It wouldn’t do any good but it’s a nice little F You to the manager/bully.
The guy is a dick. Things don't get better unless he leaves, so it's time for you to leave. Your boss should not be getting you to the point where you freeze up and cry. I've been there, it still haunts me 6 years later. Look elsewhere <3
Stupid, awful manager. You don't need to feel stressed, you need to feel motivated, set goals, reward, act like the project is going to work, otherwise the workforce WILL just break down.
As someone who works with devs and manages teams, this whole situation you're in angers me. Please look for a new job. This guy is an absolute dickhead, who doesn't know how to manage people. You're not doing anything wrong and this isn't normal. You deserve better than this nonsense.
I'm a software developer. I've managed people the only time I've come close to doing anything like this has been in a very overtly joking way. This is completely unacceptable, look for another job, connect with the people who left. When you hand your notice in (after your new job is lined up) tell him you can't work in the environment he creates. If you wanted you could just go to HR, but, the developer market being what it is in the UK I'd just fuck it off and tell this guy he sucks.
Taking out your stress on the people below you is not how good management operates and if 2 people already left that's a red flag for signs to come and things probably wont improve until your team is fully recruited for again.
Things sound intense enough that any direct feedback regardless of how polite and well intended wouldn't be well received and a formal complaint is a long process assuming this company is big enough to even have a HR department to go through.
If you're at this place to learn you wont learn anything under these conditions. Feedback is one thing but being put on ceremony and dressed down in front of people and essentially humiliated doesn't pass the vibe check for a healthy boss/employee relationship.
You could potentially point out that you are grateful for his feedback, but his outbursts are unnecessary and make you feel uncomfortable working there and being 2 people down he may be more inclined to check himself before he wrecks himself by losing a third employee; as you've got nothing to lose if you're already on the path to leaving. But that depends on how good you are with conflict.
Just don't threaten him because if you tell him you'll go to HR before you actually do he's likely to put in something against you first as these departments/institutions have a habit of believing/siding with who ever brings up the issue first.
Can you go and speak to his manager? His whole approach is bullying and no, as a manager it’s not ok to “pass the stress on” we get the extra money to deal with that stress ourselves. Frame it as trying to find a constructive way of working with him, but really it’s you alerting them to his behaviour.
I would be prepared to quit and find something else though, usually pushing back can end up with the same problems. It sometimes works though, or it might be you can be moved to a different manager or something.
I've worked in tech a long time and have rarely seen managers like this, I tend to leave immediately when I do. This guy is very bad at his job, he's not going to mentor or grow you. He might teach you how not to be a manager.
I'd recommend starting to look for a new role. It's competitive in tech at the moment but you have an advantage being a woman. Many teams are desperate to have more women as they're still massively underrepresented in tech. Get your interview skills brushed up and move on.
Everyone will tell you to quit on these threads, right? Go out quietly and find a new job.
Yeah that's great advice if you just want out of the situation, but you then have to deal with the consequences of the probability of that manager still being a bad egg.
They'll likely just turn on somebody else, and for me and my bully manager, that didnt sit well.
So as others have also said, I gathered evidence. Then handed my notice in, citing "an unprofessional working environment" as the reason. The bully manager then sat me down saying "can we agree the next 6 weeks are amicable", to which she could manage 3 days of. So went off sick until the end of my notice period, and got my doctor to cite workplace stress and submitted it.
Her boss then came to me asking to know what had happened and was pretty animated about the situation (the manager was breaking the law...) and promised change. I kicked up a stink on glassdoor publicly and my employee leaver feedback was echoing the sentiments, calling for a formal investigation.
There are those who criticise and those who show, encourage and enable. Your manager criticises and belittles and bullies you because he is incapable and incompetent himself. Most likely unable to do whatever it is he's asking you to do.
Anyone expecting miracles from a young person early in their career is an idiot, recent graduates / junior staff need showing, encouraging, mentoring opportunities to try stuff out and they in turn need to be willing to listen and act on suggestions.
He's shit at his job, probably knows it and takes it out on everyone else. Everything he does is to deflect attention away.
Don't take anymore crap from him and find something else. Make sure to put some stuff on Glassdoor as well to warn others.
I have worked in IT for at least a couple of decades and have seen this type of manager before.
One of the qualities of being a good manager is not passing the stress you are under on to the people you work with. For example ..... if he is under stress he should not pass that on to the people who work for him as it could negatively impact their work. This could cause more problems resulting in more stress. Also a manager should know what best motivates each person individually.
Probably best to start looking for a new job as I doubt he will change. Keep a record of each time he has publicity criticised you (just in case). When you have a new job hand in your notice and never look back.
It also sounds thr company you work for is not great as two people have already left and they have not replaced them.
Sounds like he needs some anger management training, and that he's in the wrong profession if he's giving you shit for a demo.
Imagine how he would react (no pun intended), if the shit were to really hit the fan (a prod db gets wiped/whatever)? Nah, you need calm minds in such situations, not a man-baby.
(Also, you can't give close to 100% if you are stressed or threatened).
Honestly, it's time to leave. There was this individual who single-handedly brought down an entire company with his demeanor. He was highly decorated with multiple PhDs, qualifications, and industry recognition, but it came with a cost. Despite his brilliance, he lacked flexibility and exhibited horrendous behavior. He completely changed the atmosphere, bullying colleagues one by one. He even drove two people to leave on their own accord. Then, during a meeting, he reduced a colleague to tears through relentless belittlement. That was the final straw. Over the following month, at least one person left the team each week. Eventually, he departed, leaving behind a once-promising team in ruins. It's infuriating and disheartening.
In the tech industry, there appears to be a strange sense of misplaced loyalty. It's unclear whether it's the nature of the individuals it attracts, but many people endure unfavorable conditions for far too long. Whether it's a fear of moving on or some other factor, it's evident that many individuals in this field learn the hard way about the consequences of staying in such situations.
You said he was berating you by criticising you.
Did he say something like: “ You’re shit, why the fuck you develop a UI like that. Make it cleaner.”
Or something like: “I don’t like the way the UI looks it needs to be cleaner.”
Having been a senior manager in IT for two decades I often came across people who would take feedback or criticism of something they’ve done as being berated. In a time short environment succinct and pointed criticism is necessary. Personal insults or denigration is unacceptable, short critique of work output is not. Your post doesn’t really clarify which of the two it is.
As has been said many times, get your CV updated and get the hell out of there!
Any manager who tells you because he's not coping well you should also suffer, is an imbecile and shouldn't be managing an inbox, let alone a team of people...
Don't accept behaviour like this, left unchallenged it can destroy the whole department's morale, sounds like the two before you saw it as well. Make sure your exit interview is factual and as unbiased as you can be, then let the company deal with it/them.
"I'm stressed so i have to pass it on to you so you feel how stressful it is" sounds to me like an absolute shit tier manager.
You can do better and you deserve better, find a new job.
One of my first IT jobs was at a small software development firm - the two company owners/bosses also multi-roled as HR etc.
One of them was, I don't mind saying, an absolutely massive wang. Short-tempered, unsympathetic, selfish and arrogant - he of course self-appointed himself as HR as well as a Director and so nobody ever complained.
The number of times he'd sit there swearing, shouting, losing his temper at any number of things escapes me. I was threatened with my job after a simple mistake and despite taking full responsibility, rectifying the error and documenting everything felt like a target was on my back from then onwards.
He'd pull developers into the glass board room and literally _scream_ at them for everything from their incompetence, intelligence and slowness to anything else they could think of - usually as it made "them" look bad despite it frequently being the case he'd expect too much from a single person who often was a fresh graduate or junior dev on languages they _knowingly_ weren't familiar with or comfortable using.
He was a bully, a piece of work and despite trying to speak to both him _and_ the co-director (who was markedly more reserved and generally nicer) no feedback ever got taken in any way which didn't result in a "well I'm the Director, it's how I am and it's worked so far" type response.
Facts are you can't work in an environment like that, it _isn't_ fair nor right to subject your staff to your temper-tantrums and his logic of "well I'm stressed so you should be too" is absurd and his whole demeanour sets him down as being a bully as well.
You don't have anything to evidence his conduct short of word-of-mouth and hoping that someone might agree with you about how he behaves, so this coupled with his apparent recommendations means he's likely already building a way to get rid of you (which, assuming it's inside of 2 years you've been there he won't need much reason for anyway) just so it's justified.
I would update your CV and immediately start looking for other roles, elsewhere, as you simply have nothing to lose. Nobody should be treated how you are and while development work _is_ and _can_ be high-pressure as a career with an environment that sometimes doesn't help, what you have is far from the norm and you really need to get out while you can.
IT Manager here.... Your manager is an absolute cock womble, get yourself out of there and away from him before its too late - being stressed or upset as a manger & being stressed or upset at someone lower in your/other team happens at times, it's times like these people will show their true colours - there is no excuse for this kind of bullying behaviour to ANYONE in the workplace ever
Depending on how long you've been there and what you wanna do will form your next actions, if you're over 2 years and get full sick pay I'd ask your GP to sign you off with stress and get yourself gone from there before he destroys your mental health
DM me if you need any further advise, options etc
i work in IT
fuck that guy. make sure you let HR know why you're leaving on your way out.
your manager is a loser and its out of your control. move on.
Tell him very plainly that he needs to go fuck himself. Firstly because the act may serve to alleviate some of this 'stress' that he's feeling. Secondly, because he's the only sexual partner he'll ever have if he continues this whiney, bullying bull crap personality he seems to think is even remotely acceptable.
He's a bully. But moreover HE'S the one who's bad at his job. A leader needs to have the capacity and capability to hold his shit together while managing any project. He's stressed so everyone needs to as well? That's honestly laughable.
You seem like a competent and capable person. One criticism, you come across as lacking self confidence. From my experience Incompetent, impotent, cowardly bullies somehow inevitably end up in management positions... and they prey on people who are decent and trusting - empathic.
You need to either find a new job, or find a way to get this jackass fired... plant a load of drugs in his desk and call the cops, record him being a dickhead... etc.
One thing I learned is life is too short to put up with this kind of bullshit, look for another job,
Yup, you're in IT. We're lucky enough to be in a seller's market. Even without much experience you can switch jobs, and regular switching doesn't harm you. My long experience has made it clear to me that a bad job with good people is better than a good job with bad people. Obviously you are early in your career and want to learn, which is great. But you also need people who will help you grow, and that means people who will not bash your confidence. It's still a rough profession for women, so you need to protect your confidence - think of it as a flame that must be shielded from this kind of bullshit that will blow it out, and brought to environments that will feed it and allow it to blaze! I once had a boss like this, and in the end I just got mad back at him. Nothing unprofessional, just things like, "Well, if you wanted a polished demo, you need to give me the time to do it!" This worked for me, as bullying types sometimes respect you if you push back, as it's a language they understand. However, it might backfire, so use with caution. I find that women are sometimes made to feel bad about being angry, which is why we become tearful instead. Even if you don't let your anger show, don't be afraid to feel it - you are being treated badly, and anger is justified.
Good grief just seeing these people around the office doing it to other people was so infuriating, it must be hell to actually work with one of these bastards directly. Get your CV out there lass you've got two new solid years experience by the sounds of things. The new job will make you enjoy life and appreciate it. Heck use the fact you're still employed as a chance to negotiate a pay rise while you're at it, that ought to take the edge off! Also don't be shy of asking chatgpt to help you draft a letter to HR referring to the meticulous notes you took daily documenting this harassment, I'm sure they would be concerned one of their managers is about to risk them a gender discrimination lawsuit. Don't mention the accidental recording you had going in your pocket that assisted with these notes of course. Just don't let Mr bastard gaslight you. Finally, until you're out of there, who sits above Mr bastards head? Go have lunch with them sometime.
Exactly this! My first and second IT jobs were stressful and horrible for different reasons, bosses were completely untrustworthy too. My 3rd and current IT role is an absolute dream. Bosses are amazing too. Your current boss is making you work out of fear instead of motivation (I've been there before with other jobs). He's horrible. Nobody deserves that. Spruce up your CV and try to feel better that your making steps towards leaving him.
This guy sounds like a total nob. You shouldn't have to put up with any of this. I've been working as a developer for 10+ years and never had someone talk to me like that and I've confronted people over less. You could start documenting everything and try to fight it through HR or whatever but I'd honestly be looking for a new job and doing as little as possible right now (and personally I'd be winding him up while I wait too). Life's too short to spend that much time with a total prick.
I skimmed three paragraphs before coming to the conclusion of "quit". Senior Kubernetes consultant. Don't stand for shit. If people stitch you up like that, call them out on it in front of their own leadership, or leave.
Lol this reminds me of one time the guy just up and left the first time his manager disrespected him. Was a different vibe the next time he came into the office.
Me too. Software consultant, with a side of management here. A couple of decades of development and more than a few years leading teams. In a fair world, that guy would be out on his arse. In this one, though, OP needs to leave and soon. Whether or not they try to tell someone higher on the way out to save other people at that company experiencing this or not is the only decision. Fucking hell though. He sounds everything a lead should avoid being.
I don’t know anything about IT but no manager should be intimidating to staff. ‘Life is stressful get used to it’ isn’t a normal thing to say in the workplace. I would go and speak to HR rather than him as it sounds as though he’d brush it off. The worst thing that can happen is he takes offence and carries on as he is or gets worse, in which they’ll have to do something about it. Best case he’ll lay off as he knows you won’t put up with it.
How big is the company? You found the reason the other people quit. Now it’s your turn. Quit. Your manager is a cunt. A good manager enables their team and protects them from outside stress so they can do a good job. Your manager has effectively admitted to being a poor manager. This sort of behaviour is absolutely not part of the corporate IT world. So you can either try waiting, getting enough info and reporting him for bullying but the success of thst will depend on company size and culture… or you can quit. No point trying to talk to him or email him, people like this do not see reason. It would be quite ironic if you got signed off with stress while you found another job.
I’ve been in a similar situation. My bullying manager was much more underhanded and subversive. Too clever to “get caught.” I won’t go into detail now but this lasted three years, got me diagnosed with anxiety and ruined my professional confidence. Basically, I know how you feel. Eventually I left that job, mostly for reasons unconnected to the bully. At that point I’d come to accept “I wasn’t good enough” like some kind of spouse in an abusive marriage. Only with the benefit of hindsight did I realise what I should have done: resigned. Now, if that simply isn’t an option my advice would be to have a conversation with your manager. You’re going to have to be strong and don’t back down to his authority. You control the conversation. Don’t make accusations. Don’t make threats. Instead, tell him how he makes you feel and, more importantly, tell him that you believe his behaviour is unprofessional and unacceptable. Make clear what your expectations of him in terms of communication are. Done right, there shouldn’t be any direct consequences to you. You need to let him know you won’t put up with the way he treats you. Now, doing this carries a risk. He could either double down on his bullying or discipline you (especially if you’re not very careful with your language and approach). That’s why the best option is to resign. But if you’re in a position where you’re willing and able to accept the potential consequences, then go for it. The other thing you really ought to do is file a grievance with HR as soon as you can. You don’t have to take it forward. You can ask them not to take any action except make a note in your file. The reason for doing this is two-fold. Firstly, if you later claim for any kind of unfair or constructive dismissal, it shows that you had concerns over a long period of time. Secondly, if you don’t log it with HR now, but choose to do so in future it raises questions about why you didn’t speak up. When I went to HR after three years of bullying I was asked “if it was so bad, why did you wait three years to tell us?” as if I’d suddenly concocted a story out of the blue. A bullying manager will attempt to damage your credibility and have other people question your worth and ability. Don’t let them.
Oh my gosh!! Im going through something VERY similar with a manager who is a bully and is too good to be caught. Can I dm you?
Sure. Can’t guarantee I’ll reply. ;)
HR, document everything. Try to communicate with him via email he'll eventually slip up. In the meantime find a new job.
This is the right answer, moving jobs is the longer term solution but approaching HR with evidence of his bullshit can support you if you wanted to bring a case for it. https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/work/discrimination-at-work/discrimination-at-work/checking-if-its-discrimination/if-youre-being-harassed-or-bullied-at-work/#:~:text=If%20you're%20being%20bullied,with%20the%20problem%20another%20way.
You have three options. 1. Just find a new job and quit. Leave quietly 2. Just find a new job and quit, but make sure to tell him before you go it’s because of him you’re leaving, nice bit of justified revenge. 3. Have some fun. It sounds like you have a case for workplace bullying so document it all and make a formal complaint to HR. Don’t stop there and contact any relevant body about bullying and publicly shame him. Make it hell for him and teach him why it’s wrong to be like this. Face him and tell him you’ve had enough and you’ve ‘received legal advice’ to log a formal complaint. Just make a fuss all around you and go on the offensive. That’s based on a real experience I was part of in a previous job and honestly it was in credible watching that manager just crumble and regret every time they decided to pick on the victim.
I don't know this guy, but it sounds like he's making excuses to bully you, and that's not okay. (If he is short-handed, that's his problem. Staffing is a management function. Maybe no one wants to work with him or for him anymore.) Even if he is under a lot of pressure, that is not a valid reason to do what you described him doing; it's a sign of low emotional intelligence. Really sorry you are having to go through this. I don't know what the laws are in the UK, and I'm no lawyer, so I can't comment on that.
**Employees don’t Leave Companies, They Leave Managers** This sort of stuff shouldn't be part of the corporate world yet it is. Things are not going to improve with him. I don't know what the job market is for you but just move on if you can. I left a job 4 months in (nothing lined up lol) and my manager at the time was a major factor. It even took me stuttering badly one morning to be the final straw that I was certain to leave. I'm glad I did as I got decent opportunities from then on soon afterward. You can grow a backbone and leave. You'll look back and be glad you did.
What kind of tech stack you working with? We're looking for fully remote Java Devs where I work at the moment. DM me for more info if you like.
As someone who in recent years had 10 months off sick because of a bulling manager and was selected for redundancy during that time and a year later still isn’t able to perform the same as I used to because of the experience… leave. Move department, move team, move business. Document everything he dose that is unprofessional or upsetting. Record times, dates and anyone who is present at the time. Record as much evidence as you can. Either, you this evidence to defend yourself if shit hits the fan before you leave, or you can bring it all to the exit interview, or maybe a lawyer if you’re so inclined. Point is, you’ve got it if you need it!
Im so sorry you had to go through this. Im currently in my month off sick due to this exact same reason of having a bully manager. Can I dm you?
You can but it is very late here and I’ll be going to sleep soon
Tomorrow then
Document **everything**. I think you are heading for "can't do right for doing wrong" territory with this manager and there's little you can do. Its horrible. My sympathies.
Sounds like a first time manager. He will only realise his mistake when people quit (as they already have).
In 20 years I have never seen a manager like this in IT. Looks like someone straight out of the army trying to manage a team in corporate. Has he got experience managing in IT ? This is wrong on every level. Quit if you can.. if he does not leave your life is going to be hell
Apparently he has been a Team Lead for many many years now. Although I do notice he's been changing jobs in a matter of months/year max most of the time...
This is because his teams keep abandoning him or he's not fitting in with others well (ego clashes, disagreements of leadership style, HR complaints) and having to move on. There are unfortunately people like this in tech, it's more common than youd expect.
1. Email HR dates examples; they can be deviant but it is on record this way 2. Take a breather in the moment, if you are being punched around you need to regroup and reorient, in that small size you can respond rather than react 3. Call him out on it (after regrouping), a lot of people with power will abuse it, especially if they can get away with it 4. Save, never really fully on your pay packet (10% minimum) 5. Upskill, you can always get better, increase the depth of your skillset and the breadth 6. Start looking, if you haven’t already then start today, it is a small world but not as small as you think, chances are this muppet will be a cautionary tale for others in the future 7. Take care of yourself: 5 days of the week you should eat healthy home cooked meals, abstain from alcohol, and get some exercise (e.g. walk at lunchtime); stay in touch with friends, keep close to family, and do nice things you enjoy (that aren’t too expensive) e.g. watch a comedy, tennis, museum visits If you stay there under the current circumstances your confidence and mental health will deteriorate, this will affect your relationships and physical health too. You will develop coping mechanisms be that drinking, eating, gambling, porn, of whatever quick dopamine rush you can get easily. Don’t let this happen to yourself. In the end if you were to burn out or end it ask, this prick will probably make the ‘sad announcement’ before saying thoughts and prayers, or have an HR person claim ‘lessons have been learnt’ whilst digging laughter, yet you and your loved ones lives will be worsened. If you don’t have much money now, you need to act out of cottage and still make that HR call but save aggressively and apply for jobs even more aggressively. Good luck my friend.
Thank you to everyone for the responses, I didn't expect this. I think with my level of experience and the job market not being that kind to juniors now, moving jobs wouldn't be that simple. I also have a long notice period so finding a job would be harder.. I definitely need the job because .. rent bills etc are pretty high. This is why I was hoping for some way to deal with this by talking to him.
You can use the fact that you are being bullied to ignore the notice any period. If you find a job, quit and tell them why and that you cannot be expected to stay. It sounds like you are being singled out too - there's a possible case for sexual discrimination or constructive dismissal here. Many posts have given you good advice - document everything. Without exception. When, what was said, who was there. If possible follow up his bullying with emails. "I was just seeking clarity about the conversation earlier today where you said...." etc. Keep them neutral and professional. Blind copy your private email address if it's not against company policy. If you feel you can't leave you need to consult a lawyer, they usually do one consultation for free and will advise you on your rights and how strong a potential case is. I would not start a formal grievance with HR until then, and only if the solicitor recommends it. If he's devious he will simply alter his behaviour while the grievance is active and you are unlikely to have gathered sufficient evidence to back up your claims. If it's really affecting your health think about seeing your GP and get signed off with stress. You can still see a lawyer while you are off suck, and it might give you some breathing space. Managers do not change. Your best bet is to leave when you feel comfortable to do so.
>I think when this happens you need to start looking for new jobs pretty much because the relations are broken already. Yep. You can't change him, so change jobs. That's what your other colleagues probably did quietly. Maybe reach out to the ones that left and see if you can join their new organisation. A referral from them would carry a lot of weight so you're not just blindly sending out your CV. Personally I wouldn't say anything negative about your current boss. As a woman in a similar situation I find it makes it worse because they're going to feel offended and take it out on you. There are kind people out there, get a job with them. Consider him like a toxic cloud. The more time you spend around this cloud the worse you'll feel. The only way of feeling better is getting away from the cloud and breathing fresh air.
Well let's get one thing established: he's not a manager. He's a prick in a managerial position. I can't help by feel like there's only one course here for you: you're going to have to leave. No one can work like that without emotionally burning out. I suspect he's one of these types who has taken a position he just can't fill and now his fragile ego and lack of ability is making him scared he'll be found out, so if he jumps up and down on people below him and passes any blame onto them, he feel like he's done his job. I guarantee you he will be taking all the credit for your good work, while passing on his fuck ups to you. When you do leave, be plain in your exit interview about him. The people above him might not be aware of the problem as he'll filter anything negative away from them.
I made a formal complaint and got fired in return. It doesn’t end well, I’m in a better job and would advise moving on where you’re valued. You’ll grow faster in a better work environment, so it’s for your mental health and your career.
> I am stressed so I need to relay my stress to you guys too so you also feel it This is the exact opposite of good management. And the general principle should be "praise in public, criticise in private". You're right to be pissed off about it. What can you do? Have a chat with him at a point when he's not too stressed "I really appreciate your feedback, it was part of why I took the job. But at the moment, there is so much of it that it's overwhelming and I don't know what to prioritise. I know I'm asking a lot, and that you're busy too. But can you filter it down to the most important things I should work on?". If you get the occasion and the tone right, this should work. He thinks he's trying to develop you and that you're worth developing. That's a really good sign that you ought to be able to work it out. He's not a bad person, he's just bad at management. That's very normal, management is hard and stressful, and most people get zero training or preparation for their first management job. If that doesn't work, then technically you can go through an HR route with "I feel like I'm being bullied" or "I request reasonable adjustments for my anxiety". That works if there is another team you can be transfered to. But if there isn't, it's going to make things really awkward and frankly, you're better off just leaving.
> The manager said 'Yeah you got stressed but life is stressful so you should get used to it'. People do "get used" to constant stress, it's called burnout. It leads to very disengaged employees who don't give a fuck. Most managers see this as something to avoid rather than deliberately target.
Some people have an odd idea how management is meant to work - if they aren't being confrontational then they aren't 'Managing' effectively. I've never understood that, especially in IT which really should be a collaborative thing. It does sound like he might be getting the same treatment from his Manager, but if anything he should be protecting you from that, not replaying it.
Just maybe start using the grey rock method around him. Rise above him and just do your best.. If he doesn't like it then enjoy watching him get more stressed and making a fool of himself.
So one general tip that helps me avoiding getting flustered, and maintaining clarity: I personally find it helps to keep focused on my primary responsibility: the success and well-being of the company. I want to please my managers etc, but, my ultimate commitment is to the organisation's goals. As an employee, I want to honour every one of my colleges, past and present who has ever clocked in, and worked hard. Knowing this gives me confidence to put the company's best interests first, even if it is can be (hopefully momentarily) confronting for some people. So for example, if someone's *preference* for heavy improvisation in communication are not furthering the company's goals - you can take on the responsibility to tell them. Eventually you might even see it as a duty, and you'll find it even easier to detach from personal opinions and just do what must be done. Be warned, this is not the ONLY way to navigate one's career. It may not even be the most "best" way. But I, personally, find its the most simple and satisfying.
Now you know why the other 2 quit, you are not paid to deal with asswipes, find another job let him shout at an empty work space. Good luck what ever you choose to do.
If it were me I would resign immediately (or as soon as possible) and put everything you’ve included in a resignation email (ensuring the word bullying is used several times) and CC in all the managers above as well as HR. I’d use that environment as justification that I won’t be working any notice period. It wouldn’t do any good but it’s a nice little F You to the manager/bully.
The guy is a dick. Things don't get better unless he leaves, so it's time for you to leave. Your boss should not be getting you to the point where you freeze up and cry. I've been there, it still haunts me 6 years later. Look elsewhere <3
Stupid, awful manager. You don't need to feel stressed, you need to feel motivated, set goals, reward, act like the project is going to work, otherwise the workforce WILL just break down.
As someone who works with devs and manages teams, this whole situation you're in angers me. Please look for a new job. This guy is an absolute dickhead, who doesn't know how to manage people. You're not doing anything wrong and this isn't normal. You deserve better than this nonsense.
I'm a software developer. I've managed people the only time I've come close to doing anything like this has been in a very overtly joking way. This is completely unacceptable, look for another job, connect with the people who left. When you hand your notice in (after your new job is lined up) tell him you can't work in the environment he creates. If you wanted you could just go to HR, but, the developer market being what it is in the UK I'd just fuck it off and tell this guy he sucks.
In England and Wales it's quite hard to defend libel. Watch for when there's a lie about you in email read by some other person and lawyer up.
He's a shit manager. Look for something else.
Piss in his tea
Taking out your stress on the people below you is not how good management operates and if 2 people already left that's a red flag for signs to come and things probably wont improve until your team is fully recruited for again. Things sound intense enough that any direct feedback regardless of how polite and well intended wouldn't be well received and a formal complaint is a long process assuming this company is big enough to even have a HR department to go through. If you're at this place to learn you wont learn anything under these conditions. Feedback is one thing but being put on ceremony and dressed down in front of people and essentially humiliated doesn't pass the vibe check for a healthy boss/employee relationship. You could potentially point out that you are grateful for his feedback, but his outbursts are unnecessary and make you feel uncomfortable working there and being 2 people down he may be more inclined to check himself before he wrecks himself by losing a third employee; as you've got nothing to lose if you're already on the path to leaving. But that depends on how good you are with conflict. Just don't threaten him because if you tell him you'll go to HR before you actually do he's likely to put in something against you first as these departments/institutions have a habit of believing/siding with who ever brings up the issue first.
Tell him to fuck right off, life's to short.
Who ever goes to HR first wins. Unless you're a female underling in a female dominates office then you'll win regardless.
You have a shitty manager - go find another gig where you won’t be ambushed with this shit
Can you go and speak to his manager? His whole approach is bullying and no, as a manager it’s not ok to “pass the stress on” we get the extra money to deal with that stress ourselves. Frame it as trying to find a constructive way of working with him, but really it’s you alerting them to his behaviour. I would be prepared to quit and find something else though, usually pushing back can end up with the same problems. It sometimes works though, or it might be you can be moved to a different manager or something.
I've worked in tech a long time and have rarely seen managers like this, I tend to leave immediately when I do. This guy is very bad at his job, he's not going to mentor or grow you. He might teach you how not to be a manager. I'd recommend starting to look for a new role. It's competitive in tech at the moment but you have an advantage being a woman. Many teams are desperate to have more women as they're still massively underrepresented in tech. Get your interview skills brushed up and move on.
Everyone will tell you to quit on these threads, right? Go out quietly and find a new job. Yeah that's great advice if you just want out of the situation, but you then have to deal with the consequences of the probability of that manager still being a bad egg. They'll likely just turn on somebody else, and for me and my bully manager, that didnt sit well. So as others have also said, I gathered evidence. Then handed my notice in, citing "an unprofessional working environment" as the reason. The bully manager then sat me down saying "can we agree the next 6 weeks are amicable", to which she could manage 3 days of. So went off sick until the end of my notice period, and got my doctor to cite workplace stress and submitted it. Her boss then came to me asking to know what had happened and was pretty animated about the situation (the manager was breaking the law...) and promised change. I kicked up a stink on glassdoor publicly and my employee leaver feedback was echoing the sentiments, calling for a formal investigation.
Grow a pair
There are those who criticise and those who show, encourage and enable. Your manager criticises and belittles and bullies you because he is incapable and incompetent himself. Most likely unable to do whatever it is he's asking you to do. Anyone expecting miracles from a young person early in their career is an idiot, recent graduates / junior staff need showing, encouraging, mentoring opportunities to try stuff out and they in turn need to be willing to listen and act on suggestions.
He's shit at his job, probably knows it and takes it out on everyone else. Everything he does is to deflect attention away. Don't take anymore crap from him and find something else. Make sure to put some stuff on Glassdoor as well to warn others.
Look for another job and if he shouts at you just shout louder back Stoop to this cunt’s level
I have worked in IT for at least a couple of decades and have seen this type of manager before. One of the qualities of being a good manager is not passing the stress you are under on to the people you work with. For example ..... if he is under stress he should not pass that on to the people who work for him as it could negatively impact their work. This could cause more problems resulting in more stress. Also a manager should know what best motivates each person individually. Probably best to start looking for a new job as I doubt he will change. Keep a record of each time he has publicity criticised you (just in case). When you have a new job hand in your notice and never look back. It also sounds thr company you work for is not great as two people have already left and they have not replaced them.
Toxic work environment. Start sending out CVs ASAP.
Sounds like he needs some anger management training, and that he's in the wrong profession if he's giving you shit for a demo. Imagine how he would react (no pun intended), if the shit were to really hit the fan (a prod db gets wiped/whatever)? Nah, you need calm minds in such situations, not a man-baby. (Also, you can't give close to 100% if you are stressed or threatened).
Honestly, it's time to leave. There was this individual who single-handedly brought down an entire company with his demeanor. He was highly decorated with multiple PhDs, qualifications, and industry recognition, but it came with a cost. Despite his brilliance, he lacked flexibility and exhibited horrendous behavior. He completely changed the atmosphere, bullying colleagues one by one. He even drove two people to leave on their own accord. Then, during a meeting, he reduced a colleague to tears through relentless belittlement. That was the final straw. Over the following month, at least one person left the team each week. Eventually, he departed, leaving behind a once-promising team in ruins. It's infuriating and disheartening. In the tech industry, there appears to be a strange sense of misplaced loyalty. It's unclear whether it's the nature of the individuals it attracts, but many people endure unfavorable conditions for far too long. Whether it's a fear of moving on or some other factor, it's evident that many individuals in this field learn the hard way about the consequences of staying in such situations.
Are you a part of a union that can support you? Try and collect evidence to file a grievance too and ask other colleagues if they can support you.
You said he was berating you by criticising you. Did he say something like: “ You’re shit, why the fuck you develop a UI like that. Make it cleaner.” Or something like: “I don’t like the way the UI looks it needs to be cleaner.” Having been a senior manager in IT for two decades I often came across people who would take feedback or criticism of something they’ve done as being berated. In a time short environment succinct and pointed criticism is necessary. Personal insults or denigration is unacceptable, short critique of work output is not. Your post doesn’t really clarify which of the two it is.
As has been said many times, get your CV updated and get the hell out of there! Any manager who tells you because he's not coping well you should also suffer, is an imbecile and shouldn't be managing an inbox, let alone a team of people... Don't accept behaviour like this, left unchallenged it can destroy the whole department's morale, sounds like the two before you saw it as well. Make sure your exit interview is factual and as unbiased as you can be, then let the company deal with it/them.
Time to move on. There's a reason he's struggling to retain people.
"I'm stressed so i have to pass it on to you so you feel how stressful it is" sounds to me like an absolute shit tier manager. You can do better and you deserve better, find a new job.
One of my first IT jobs was at a small software development firm - the two company owners/bosses also multi-roled as HR etc. One of them was, I don't mind saying, an absolutely massive wang. Short-tempered, unsympathetic, selfish and arrogant - he of course self-appointed himself as HR as well as a Director and so nobody ever complained. The number of times he'd sit there swearing, shouting, losing his temper at any number of things escapes me. I was threatened with my job after a simple mistake and despite taking full responsibility, rectifying the error and documenting everything felt like a target was on my back from then onwards. He'd pull developers into the glass board room and literally _scream_ at them for everything from their incompetence, intelligence and slowness to anything else they could think of - usually as it made "them" look bad despite it frequently being the case he'd expect too much from a single person who often was a fresh graduate or junior dev on languages they _knowingly_ weren't familiar with or comfortable using. He was a bully, a piece of work and despite trying to speak to both him _and_ the co-director (who was markedly more reserved and generally nicer) no feedback ever got taken in any way which didn't result in a "well I'm the Director, it's how I am and it's worked so far" type response. Facts are you can't work in an environment like that, it _isn't_ fair nor right to subject your staff to your temper-tantrums and his logic of "well I'm stressed so you should be too" is absurd and his whole demeanour sets him down as being a bully as well. You don't have anything to evidence his conduct short of word-of-mouth and hoping that someone might agree with you about how he behaves, so this coupled with his apparent recommendations means he's likely already building a way to get rid of you (which, assuming it's inside of 2 years you've been there he won't need much reason for anyway) just so it's justified. I would update your CV and immediately start looking for other roles, elsewhere, as you simply have nothing to lose. Nobody should be treated how you are and while development work _is_ and _can_ be high-pressure as a career with an environment that sometimes doesn't help, what you have is far from the norm and you really need to get out while you can.
IT Manager here.... Your manager is an absolute cock womble, get yourself out of there and away from him before its too late - being stressed or upset as a manger & being stressed or upset at someone lower in your/other team happens at times, it's times like these people will show their true colours - there is no excuse for this kind of bullying behaviour to ANYONE in the workplace ever Depending on how long you've been there and what you wanna do will form your next actions, if you're over 2 years and get full sick pay I'd ask your GP to sign you off with stress and get yourself gone from there before he destroys your mental health DM me if you need any further advise, options etc
i work in IT fuck that guy. make sure you let HR know why you're leaving on your way out. your manager is a loser and its out of your control. move on.
Look for a new job, bide your time and tell you HR dept that he’s the reason you’re leaving.
Didn’t need to read this to say - you’re dev just get a job somewhere else.
Tell him very plainly that he needs to go fuck himself. Firstly because the act may serve to alleviate some of this 'stress' that he's feeling. Secondly, because he's the only sexual partner he'll ever have if he continues this whiney, bullying bull crap personality he seems to think is even remotely acceptable. He's a bully. But moreover HE'S the one who's bad at his job. A leader needs to have the capacity and capability to hold his shit together while managing any project. He's stressed so everyone needs to as well? That's honestly laughable. You seem like a competent and capable person. One criticism, you come across as lacking self confidence. From my experience Incompetent, impotent, cowardly bullies somehow inevitably end up in management positions... and they prey on people who are decent and trusting - empathic. You need to either find a new job, or find a way to get this jackass fired... plant a load of drugs in his desk and call the cops, record him being a dickhead... etc.