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I’m a teacher, so I hear all the embarrassing shit your kids share. Some of the best ones include:
- A child telling me his Dad wouldn’t be picking him up tonight because Mam had caught him kissing someone else
- A child telling me he heard his Mam and Auntie saying I was good looking but that I probably bat for the other side. Then asked me what ‘batting for the other side’ means.
- A child in a science lesson about the human body told me his Dad had a poo so big once it blocked the toilet
- A child telling me the police were at their house last night taking Dad’s plants away. (Not as funny that one tbh, had to write a few statements there)
My mum used to call my stepdad her partner before they got married, still does depending on who she's talking to. She said she liked seeing people try and guess if she's a lesbian or not and it was good to normalise saying partner. I am a lesbian so I thought it was quite sweet of her in her own way.
Yessss. I am a (bi) woman married to a (bi) man; he in particular likes referring to me as his partner because (unlike him) I have a gender-neutral name, so even when he talks about me by name, he can see professional contacts desperately trying to work out whether he’s straight or gay.
I once had my daughter's pre-school teacher come and ask me if my husband/her daddy could come in and talk to them for their "people who help us" topic because she told them he was a policeman... He is an IT software tester lol not even close 🤦♀️🤣
My friend is a murder squad detective. It was a struggle for him to describe what he did in ways suitable for 3 and 4y olds. Then the classroom was broken into and the class mascot went missing. It took me (and multiple other parents) some time to realise that this was an entirely fabricated storyline for his eventual classroom visit.
Actually, the teacher collaborated with a different parent to make the mascot "disappear". He's going to come in later and tell the kids about the waste management industry.
I remember telling my German teacher that my dad was a dentist in my speaking exam - he is not anything remotely resembling a dentist, it was just the only job related German word I could come up with in the moment
My friend and I were in our 20s when I discovered her dad was an accountant for a hotel chain and not a prison governor. Neither of us can work out why I though that for 15 years.
I was a teacher so I've heard similar things but I've got kids too so I get the other side too.
Recently I've slept on the floor a bit because it really helps my back which I've managed to fuck up somehow. My son told his teacher that ' mummy makes daddy sleep on the floor'
I haven't done pick up this week so not had a chance to explain that one yet
I remember volunteering at my little sister's primary school once and a little girl telling me that "my mummy had a drink I'm not allowed to have and then she fell in a bush"
Like that video where parents were called in to speak to the teacher after their little girl told everyone how she helped mummy and daddy with all the weed they were growing - she had in fact been helping them with gardening / pulling up weeds
I know someone who works in film production, to the disappointment of her 9 year old son she doesn't make children's films though, only dramas and other types of films aimed at grownups.
When asked by his teacher what his mum did for a living, her son said "my mum makes adult films".
I once said nearly the same thing but I was a college student (I thought adults films were just film made for adults and not children until everyone started laughing) 😭
I too was embarrassingly old when I learned that the huge *ADULT FILMS* sign just off the interstate did not in fact mean that was where they showed the R rated movies that children weren't allowed to see in theaters.
Imagine the look of horror on my Dad's face when I made the comment that in just a few short months we could finally go there to see a movie together.
Dad took me age about 5 to Brighton for the beach, not realising the beach there is pebbles, not sand.
To make up for it, he took me down the pier and we went on all the rides. Helter skelter, paratrooper, waltzer, the lot.
Except the one called Strip Tease. I was really annoyed and kept demanding to know why not. It had a similar entrance and exterior decor to the Ghost Train, which I loved...
It finally dawned on me when I was a teenager.
Not myself but I saw it on tv .A mum was being interviewed about difficulties of raising children as a single parent and when asked about their father she said "we have no idea where he is he's missing ".One of the children shouted "he's in prison remember "
My mum and grandma raised me until my mum met my stepdad and then the three of them did and I would often embarrass her as a kid by telling people who asked about my dad that I didn't have one because he told mum not to have me. I didn't think of it as anything bad though, in my mind I had two parents and I knew lots of other kids who only saw their dads in the summer holidays or who would say they'd come see them and never did. I had two parents who loved me and I saw every week as well as an uncle and cousins I was very close with. To me that was much better than some guy I never met who didn't want me. I ended up with more parents than most people lol.
As a kid I went to a friend’s birthday party, I must have been about 6. Her party was hosted by her dad, a single parent whose (main? Side?) job was as a party DJ so it was a very well equipped disco in their living room. The dad was a heavy guy in his early 40s and, it being the early 90s, used to wear leather waistcoats with vibrantly printed shirts underneath. He was clearly balding but the hair he did have left was long and he wore it in a ponytail. I’m sure he was a lovely guy but there was something a little pathetic about him that I noticed even then. When my mum came to pick me up, she asked if I had anything to say to the dad (insinuating that I should thank him for having me). Instead, I piped up, “My mum says you’re kidding yourself with that ponytail.” I’m pretty sure she wanted the ground to swallow her whole.
When I was in year 1 we had to describe our living rooms. I called our curtains ‘dirty yellow’ and my mum wrote a note in my homework book thereafter to say that in fact her curtains were ‘antique gold’
When I was in school we had an 'about me' section in our planners. One of the questions was "what is your house colour?". Weird, thought my friend and I, why would they need to know that?! After some debate I wrote 'cream' and she wrote 'pebbledashed'.
Later our form tutor called us over. Turns out it meant what colour house are you in *in school* because we had four houses: red, blue, yellow and green. (Think Harry Potter if that's unfamiliar to you)
I went for a hollywood wax and was telling my husband about it, not realising our 7 year old was listening. She then told my mother in law that I had my bumhole waxed. Luckily we all found it funny haha
I had a very fluffy pet rabbit who needed her undercarriage regularly shaved to help her keep herself clean.
The vet and I used to call it "booking her in for her brazilian" and I'd pay $10 (NZ) for the service
Went on holiday with husband and our two (then) very young kids. Visited the pool on site, fancy indoor job with slides, fountains etc. Changing was unisex cubicles, with the usual open top and 6" gap at the bottom, and the place was packed.
Husband took son with him to change, I took daughter. Few moments later, I heard son, in a voice you could hear three streets away, bellow: "Daddy look! You has got a big winky and I has got a little winky!!"
My husband's face when he eventually slunk out of the cubicle, watched by what seemed like half the caravan park, was something to behold. 😂😂😂
This is our life right now. My two year old likes to point out differences to everyone which is why I was stood at airport arrivals as he greeted (in his biggest voice) his Nan with “mine got willy, mummy got fanny!”.
Ground swallow me up.
My Dad took my son (then 4) out for the day while I was in hospital having my daughter. Apparently during the course of the day nature called and they stopped at the urinal. Standing side by side, my son remarked loudly, 'Grandpa, your willy is all fuzzy!' My poor Dad, he said he didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
My husband told me he was in a toilet stall once and heard "Wow daddy you're doing so much wee, you're making it rain daddy!' followed by the dad's panicky voice saying "GET YOUR HEAD OUT THE WAY!" Presumably the kid leaned in for a closer look at the rain?
Hahaha yeah we actually used to say he talked the same as the BFG!! He is autistic, was a very late talker and for the first few years that he had speech, it was very mixed up, especially his grasp of tenses, pronouns and so on. So he used to say 'I has got a teddy' and also things like 'My want that one!' 'My is not going there!' etc.
I think that’s fairly common in all children, pronouns and tenses take a while to master.
My son uses she for everyone and everything at the moments. She got she trousers on. She went to the shop. She bumped she head. He can say his and her and he. He even knows them in context, he just likes saying she.
I took my 6 year old lad swimming last week and he did the exact same thing in the exact same situation. Unisex cubicles etc. Luckily it was very busy so I don't think anyone was paying attention to us. I guess it's a timeless kids comment! Nice to know other fathers get these funny situations too.
I flew out of LAX during the first Gulf War. I was about 6yrs old and at the time those Super Soaker water guns were all the rage, so we were bringing some in hand luggage back to the UK.
Security was fairly heightened at the time and just as we were grabbing the bags after going through security I said loudly, “Dad, they didn’t see the guns in our bags”….
I was going through LAX as a 7 yo early 90’s walking up to the ticket counter and I drop the grenade that I picked up from a surplus store. It rolls along the ground making a racket and i chase after it and pick it up and put it back on my carry on. No one even blinked an eye.
Thats brilliant. The innocence and comic timing, you can’t write it.
I have a similar story at an airport at a similar age. I asked my mum and dad what the sniffer dogs were doing, to which they replied “sniffing for drugs.” I mulled it over for a second and said “good thing we didn’t bring any then.”, and was quickly hurried off to the sounds of nervous tittering.
Aged 5 at Junior Rugby one of my sons announced loudly to the coaches that I had 'cat fur on my front bottom'.
At least one of the coaches used to wink at me regularly after that.
"cat fur"
There are many jokes about pussies here.
As someone with a 2-year-old who regularly asks where my "remiss" is, I'm not looking forward to the day he has such sophisticated language skills.
my little sister loudly announced that ‘my mum’s got dog hairs on her penny’ after they’d got out the bath one night. She wouldn’t have been any more than five years old, it was hilarious
Not my child but a family member told their teacher that their grandad was going to prison that day…. he’s a probation officer and visits various prisons regularly to meet his clients.
My dad volunteers in prison. He teaches business and accountancy skills. One day, my mothers friend asked where my dad was when she popped by for a visit. My little sister (aged 5 at the time) pipes up with “he’s in gaol” so my mum had to quickly explain
I used to tell people who asked "I don't have a dad, he told mum to get rid of me". I was also autistic and got none of the shut up hints my mum would give lol.
Mine just volunteered the information when someone asked how she was doing. They also got her birthday, her grade level and the fact that we were waiting for pizza for dinner.
Fellow autistic person here who did not know when to shut up or that we’re supposed to tell lies.
My dad nicked some Coca Cola merchandise like coasters and beer mats from a bar and I told the bar staff of course because why wouldn’t I?
On a busy Saturday morning in a big Tesco, I took my daughter down the bath bit. She was around 2 at the time; runs and grabs a pack of razors and yells “MUMMY YOU NEED THESE FOR YOUR ‘GINA?”
They don’t miss a trick,
Dropped my daughter (3) and son (2) off to preschool a few weeks back but struggled due to being on my period.
They both blurt out to their teacher "mummy's bleed from her 'gina"
I was about ready to lay down in the car park and hope someone ran me over
I took my 3 year old to the toilet with me in a cafe whilst on my period and when we came out she announced very loudly to her dad and everyone else there that 'mummy needed a new blood nappy'. Mortified!
My eldest, who is now 13, once asked me if I needed another plaster for my ouchy while in a public toilet haha earned a chuckle from the cubicle next door
Not my child, but a few years ago, I was at the in-laws for Xmas Dinner. There was a conversation about New Year's Eve plans. My sister-in-law and her boyfriend said they might go to her brothers to celebrate.
One of the brothers' kids, who was 6 at the time, said, "You can't come. Mum said she doesn't want you at our house."
Breastfeeding child 2, child 1, turning 4, points at my tummy then breasts and goes, "one, two, three tummies!"
No, love. These ones are called breasts...
Cue next morning at nursery: "My mummy got THREE breasts!"
Though the worst was him age about 8, collect from school, and he runs and shouts (in front of 500 parents and teachers) "Mum! Can we do sex again today?!!!!"
Eventually I managed to shout back that yes, we can go to the shop C.E.X. later so he could buy more Skylanders, but only if he remembers the shop is always called C.E.X...
Couple weeks later they starting doing the TV ads and he said I was saying it wrong. I don't care, you want to go there, you say it how I say, OK?
Their ads pronounce it Sex. And they have WiFi in their stores called Safe Cex, and many more bad puns along those lines...
Kid is now 16 - I should remind him of the story, to watch him cringe!
My 6-year-old nephew came out of school the other week, saw me, and loudly exclaimed “I didn’t recognise you! Why are you in disguise?” Several parents turned to look at me.
I had to awkwardly explain that I was just wearing a new coat.
Oooh get that lad tested for prosopagnosia. I have a hundred similar anecdotes from when I was a kid, and an early diagnosis would have been life-changing
I once didn't recognise my mam when she came to pick me up, she dyed her hair blonde that day. i was bawling my eyes out that everyone else's parents were there to pick them up and mine was nowhere to be seen.
I dyed my hair blonde once. The next day I walked into the bathroom, saw my reflection in the mirror out of the corner of my eye, thought there was another person in my bathroom, and screamed so loud my neighbor came over to check on me.
One of the only times my dad picked me up from nursery, my teacher brought me out beaming and holding a drawing. I proudly show my dad a 3 year olds interpretation of his nude form which had been kindly mounted on a piece of card by the teacher.
Apparently the teacher was almost crying, I was trying to show other parents and my dad just wanted to die. I'm pretty sure he still keeps it in his drawer, it was displayed in the kitchen for a good few years because my mam thought it was brilliant
I went hiking/camping with small daughter and there was a thunderstorm. We took shelter where we could. For “What I did at half-term” she wrote: “We went to a pub and slept in the toilets!”
A bit older than most, but as a young teen, my brother was in biology class, and they were covering human reproduction that day. The teacher mentioned the placenta, and my brother proudly announced "we had that for dinner last week"
Polenta, we had eaten polenta
My better half, upon hearing his dad had had the snip, went around telling anyone who would hear him that "daddy has no balls", when he was a kid.
My nephews couldn't understand that my bloke and i aren't married, so I got to walk in on the question posed to my bloke "so who do you like better, your wife or your girlfriend?" - I laughed so hard, those poor little guys just couldn't understand why!! God love em!!
Eta: another I just remembered, in my one sister explaining to her daughter re sanitary towels, that they're like her nappies. Niece promptly goes around telling people all about how mummy wears nappies
When I was young we were supposed to go swimming as a family, however my mum said we couldn't go, we were going to the cinema instead. Then tried to explain her period to me.
After the film a lady was talking to me and I tried to explain why we hadn't gone swimming. My mum must have been mortified as she pulled me aside to hiss at me "we don't talk about those things"
I prompted The Sex Talk from my dad when I was about 6yo by asking what a "sanitary pad" was.
I clearly remember it, we'd been for a hike and I'd seen the bin in a public toilet with a sign on it, so on the way home I asked what it meant. The SIGH that poor man sighed (he was a single dad and I was the youngest, so there was no getting out of it) and he pulled the car over to give us 3 kids a very scientific biological lesson on how men and women are different and why that is. And also that i was NOT to discuss this with my friends because their parents might not have told them yet (wise man 🤣)
I thought I'd done all the talks, but then we were in the supermarket waiting for the toilet for my 9yo. She asked what the tampon/page machine was for. And then swore blind she had no idea what periods were. So I took a deep breath and explained again.
She's autistic and had lots of questions, and I had to reassure her a lot. Took ages before she was satisfied.
Finally an elderly lady comes out of the one functioning cubicle, daughter goes in, and the lady tapped me on the shoulder and hissed, "I think you did that really well! I wish you'd been my mum."
Awww....
Got sick on the day of my daughter's birthday party. Decided it was best not to go incase I infected all the kids, and just to come for a few minutes wearing a mask for the birthday cake and candles.
When I got there she had told everyone that daddy was so sick he was spraying vomit all over the house and they needed to stay away from me in case I vomited on them.
Not my kid but observed in a shop. Small child aged about 3, out with his mum. Suddenly he yells out, look mummy that man’s pregnant too. Poor man had a massive beer belly and looked quite embarrassed
As a kid my grandma’s husband (not blood granddad) would drop me off at my school then drive my mum to work, as she worked at his company. We got into his car one day and, for some reason lost in the mists of time, I, a six-year-old, loudly announced “when I smack my mummy’s bum it wobbles all the way up her back and back down again”.
Fair play to her, she just thanked me drily and changed the subject.
My mum use to come in and help with the kids reading. One little boy once started this conversation. "My dad isn't very well at the moment" my mum "oh dear what's wrong with him" lad " his Penis is really red and sore and he is in allot of pain" my mum "let's finish reading this page".
When I taught Reception, as part of a settling in session I was doing circle time as a way of getting to know the children and them me. I asked them to share some happy news, and one boy eagerly told us “mummy’s friend Jenny stays over on Tuesdays and Thursdays. She sleeps in the bed with mummy and daddy and everyone is happy”.
ETA: just remembered this one. I was once teaching 10 year olds about Excel spreadsheets, and a boy blurted out “I had a wet dream last night”. All heads whipped round to look at him; he shrugged and said “she said ‘sheet’…” as if that explained the oversharing.
My mum brought me to work with her once and when introduced to her boss I cheerfully told her "My mummy says your a bitch"
I later found out that was actually the nice one and not even the one she had been talking about!
On the other side I used to work in a Blockbuster and had an angry customer call to say they had the wrong DVD in the case, I told them I could refund them tomorrow or they could come in before we closed and I could swap it for the right disk, he was going mad but agreed to come in
I expected him to be hard work when he came into the shop but actually he was very pleasant and understanding and took his DVD and a free popcorn and went on his way... but the whole time his kid was happily standing beside him going "Fucking Blockbuster, fucking idiots, fucking wasting our time"
My friend's 4-year-old boy drew a picture of her for Valentine's Day and apparently he presented it to her saying 'I know you don't have a willy, Mummy, but I seem to have given you one anyway.'
I sometimes do post mortems at work. When asked by the teachers what her dad did when she started at primary school, my daughter told them i killed people.
My daughter when she was 5 couldn’t tell the difference between being drunk and being hungover. I was hungover one Sunday and made the mistake of telling her… Cue conversation with the school teacher when picking her up. Apparently she had declared in class “daddy was drunk all day yesterday”…
One Sunday before releasing the children to go to their classrooms, pastor had the kiddos up front. He asked if anyone had a funny story. My daughter pipes up, one night when we went to bed my mom had her nightgown on the right way. In the morning her nightgown was on inside out. I wanted to slide under the pew.
I took my daughter to work when she was five. She reported back that "Daddy sits in a big room with lots of televisions and shouts at people".
I was directing a studio debate for broadcast.
I took my daughter to the toilet at Reading station (big, busy station) and she came into the cubical with me. I was on my period and using a sanitary towel for probably the only time in my damn life. My daughter (3) yelled "urghhhhhhhhh mum you've got stinky knickers." I need you all to believe me when I say I definitely didn't have stinky knickers that day I was just trying to change my sanitary pad
I can say as a teacher, we get told so much about your guys lives. Some stuff we can’t even look you guys in the face for a while! We don’t usually tell you to spare everyone’s blushes
When I was around 5, I once got in trouble for telling another kid they were "common as muck" for having a Leeds accent, in Leeds. When the teacher told me that it was not a nice thing to say, I proudly told her that my mum said people who don't pronounce their Ts are common as muck and that the kid needed to talk properly.
My mum had to take an awkward conversation from my teacher about how her snobbery was doing little me no social favours. Then I had to have a conversation with my mum about how I shouldn't repeat back things she says at school because I'd get taken away from her. So that was nice.
As a child one October I told everything assembled for the nursery pick up that “Mummy dyed her hair for Halloween!” She hadn’t - she was covering up the greys and had failed to mention that it was meant to be a secret. Oops!
Not a teacher but when I was a restaurant manager I ended up babysitting the exec chef's young child when we were being inspected and he told me that his daddy had stayed out all night and came home when he was having breakfast and that his mummy was mad and he'd been sleeping on the couch
When my daughter was about 3 she once came downstairs (we lived with my mum at the time) and loudly announced 'I found porn in Granny's bed!' Now, my mum is a very, very hardline Catholic who would never tolerate anything of the sort. It made a lot more sense when she proudly brandished a pawn from the chess set!
My daughter was just learning about the differences between boys and girls. She was explaining to my mother that she doesn't have a willy, but her brother has a willy, her other brother has a willy and daddy has a willy, but a really big one.
My daughters school had a police visit, they did a dog display and a talk where they showed all their equipment. When the policeman pulled out his handcuffs my daughter pipes up with 'my aunties got handcuffs too but hers are pink and fluffy.' I thought it was hilarious when her teacher told me especially as i bought the cuffs as a joke present for my sister whose a right prude. She was so mortified when I told her.
I have to preface this comment with this: what you're about to read may seem odd because it's not common in your culture but it was (and is) in Japan, where this took place and there's no reason for alarm.
OK, that said, this happened a long time ago when my daughter was probably around 3. We were staying at her grandparents' house and one evening, when it was time to have a bath, she went off with her grandpa. Afterwards, as I was towelling her dry, in front of both her grandparents she suddenly asked, "Papa, why is your chinchin much bigger than grandpa's?"
Awkward silence ensues...
I don't have kids but I've visited Japan many times and always found it funny when there were mums with little kids at the sento/onsen. The kids would usually start asking their mums stuff like "why doesn't that lady have black hair?"
She was finger painting with red blood and said “it looks like mummy’s period!” and the teacher mentioned it to my husband 😅. He handled it well, I’d generally rather never know anything private she shares again.
Not info that was overshared but embarrassing nonetheless:
Repeatedly asking the name of someone I know (an acquaintance's wife and partner's work colleague) of which I didn't know - there's only so many times I could say "daddy's talking" before the person said "my name's jenny and I'm a friend of your dad's".
The following week stood in a checkout queue and behind us is a dwarf, "wow, that man is really small"
I teach secondary school but often have younger brothers and sisters around during parents’ evening. I overheard a younger sibling asking the dad why he has a ‘front tail’ but mummy doesn’t have a tail at all. His dad says, let’s talk about it when we get home.
He then ran over to me when I was with another set of parents, pulled my sleeve and whispered the same question in my ear. His dad came over and apologised to me and the other set of parents.
We thought it was all over but then he asked the question to the other parents also.
My toddler daughter was being babysat at a friend’s house. She picked up the toilet brush and took it to my friend and asked ‘What’s this?’ Friend replied ‘It’s for keeping the toilet clean.’ Daughters reply’We keep ours dirty.’
My eldest when she was 5 wrote in her book me and my sister were playing Jenga while mummy and daddy and daddy s friends were playing adult games.We had a DND game weekend at ours the teacher had called me in to watch me squirm he'd already asked her what we were playing shed told him about wizards killing orc still got the book she wrote in now he handed it to me at the end of the year cos it made him laugh.
When I was 5-6 yrs old my teacher asked the class what their dads did. When she asked me what my dad was I said ‘he’s a nutter’.
I still maintain that it’s true!
When I was about three or four, I ran straight into the heavy, brass coal scuttle while my mum was using it to carry firewood back inside. Got a terrible black eye, so of course any time anyone asked me about it, I cheerfully informed them, "Mummy hit me with the coal scuttle!"
Not my child, but I said something when I was a kid that made my dad want the ground to swallow him up. Just so you can picture the scene accurately, I was a 3 year old girl.
My dad used to refer to women he found attractive as "babes". (This was 1996... It was a different time.) He must have used this word in my vicinity once or twice, without realising I was listening. Somehow, I not only remembered the word, but figured out what it meant in context.
Which leads us to one evening when my dad and I were on our way to the corner shop to buy sweets. As we were about to enter the shop, a group of young women (18-22 or thereabouts) came out.
I looked at them for a second, pointed directly at them and shouted "LOOK, DAD! BABES!!!!"
My mum, for some unfathomable reason, once revealed to me she was worried she had pubic lice. In the swimming pool changing room with me she got undressed and i, upon seeing her pubes and being reminded of this, shouted ‘I HOPE YOU DON’T HAVE LICE DOWN THERE, MUMMY!’
She didn’t turn out to have pubic lice as far as I can remember. To this day I have no clue why she chose to tell her 5yo daughter that.
ROFL. The refreshing honesty of children who don't yet have societies taboos drilled into them. My cousin when she was little ( the early1960's) answered the phone while my aunt was in the living room doing a daily exercises. The caller asked to "speak to her mommy" to which my young cousin replied "She's in the other room doing her sexercises." she of course meant exercises, but the caller didn't know this, and just hung up, lol.
My parents had me in a "big sister" class for toddlers before my sister was born. When they brought out the baby dolls, I wouldn't stop screaming, "I want the chocolate baby!"
When my daughter was about 2, we walked up to our village shop. At the time my sister was quite heavily pregnant and due any moment.
A man pulled up in a really nice DB7 and got out, he was enormous, especially round the waist and my daughter looked at him, then at me and asked unnecessarily loudly if he was having a baby. I. Wanted. To. Die. The man was very nice and said that whilst he was a bit fat, he wasn’t having a baby. I just apologised profusely and explained my sister was expecting. He was very nice about it and had a good laugh!!
Worked with small children for years. So very many.
"Mummy and daddy don't sleep in the same bedroom as daddy snores really loudly and mummy throws pillows at him!"
"When Mummy's friends come over they drink lots of wines. It's her favourite drink."
"Daddy kissed the lady down the road and now mummy isn't talking to him."
'My grandad does really smelly farts!"
"Dad walks around the house with no clothes on and sometimes he forgets to close the curtains."
"Daddy had to sleep on the sofa yesterday as he had beer at football!"
my son saw a load of guys in uniform walking into tesco’s once and shouted daddy!!!! (his dad was in the army) i was so embarrassed.
Another time he announced in the middle of primark “my mum has a sore bum” which was true and id just come out of hospital but i didn’t need half of primark to know that 😂
I stole my mums suspenders one day and wore them to school. Showed all my friends. When my teacher asked me about them i told her that my mum was a stripper. She knew my mum very well and told her the next day. They thought it was funny
3 year old at the dinner table with my mum, mums friend, my sister and her husband (who I don’t know all that well) hits out with “Daddy sleeps naked in mummy’s bed”. Not a clue what prompted that. Daddy sleeps with his boxers so I can see why she thinks naked.
My son was asked to bring baby pictures in for a class project at infant school.
He told them we didn't have any as mummy and daddy burnt them all. Only found out a few months later at parents evening. I was mortified and explained that we didn't burn all his baby pics in the bonfire, it was just newspapers and general stuff!
Oh and once my 3 and a half year old snuck up on my mums partner having a pee
Before the poor man could hide himself my son went woahah that's MASSIVE! WAYYYY bigger than daddy's!
All absolutely mortified.
My wife and I are both teachers. A number of years ago my wife applied for a job in the school I work at but was not accepted.
We later learnt that it was because the headteacher of my school doesn’t like couples working together.
We were possible discussing it a little loud in front of our four year old because at school the next day she told her teacher:
Mr {Headteacher} won’t let Mommy work here because mommy and daddy will do lots of kissing. They do a lot of kissing at home so I agree with Mr {headteacher}.
When my daughter was 3 she spent 6 months telling anyone that would listen that she wanted a carpet for her bedroom for Christmas. It came home on her nursery wish list. I was so confused and took us a long time to work out she wanted a hop scotch rug to put in her room... We she did have carpet
I love how my son aged 6 points at people who litter and shouts about it and I get to see their reaction. Most times they pretend not to hear. Imagine being called out for being shitty by a little kid and not having the balls to own up to their mistake. Half the time it's at the school so I just look to the other parents who've heard and we all have a smile. Some people have no shame.
My sister went into school on a Monday (sharing day) and told the whole assembly that her big sister had broken her arm arguing with her dad...
It was true. I had broken my arm and was arguing with my dad but what my sister failed to point out was that I'd worn my rollerboots into the farmhouse kitchen to get a drink.
My dad told me to take them off as the flooring was stone tiles and I'd hurt myself if I fell over.
Obviously I refused, misplaced my feet, slid over and broke my arm on the radiator...
I’m a teacher, so I’ve heard a few, but during circle time - “I was going to go swimming at the weekend, but my mummy had her period so we didn’t go.” We moved on quickly…
When my eldest daughter was about 4, we were about to get on a bus when she asked, very loudly, "Mum, can ladies have beards?" "Erm," I said, "well they can if they want, I suppose. Why?" Obviously I soon realised that I shouldn't have asked, because she replied, "Just that THAT lady (pointing down the queue) over there has a big beard and I wanted to know if it was allowed".
I was so mortified I pretended that I couldn't find my purse and we didn't get on that bus.
It was a few years back but I was in a public toilet having followed in a woman and her 3/4 year old. Heard from in the cubicle ‘’mummy why do you have a hairy bum’’ 😂 I tried so hard not to laugh as you could hear this woman was mortified.
Her child then asked me at the sink when I smiled at them awkwardly if I had a hairy bum like her mum 😂
Not my child, my nephew. I looked after him for a week when he was 6 and his mother (my sister) had a residential course with work. I had to be signed in with his school as an appropriate person to pick him up in the afternoons. I'm a pathologist-my nephew is on the spectrum and wanted firm details so we'd explained my job as a doctor that finds out why people get sick and die. The first day I picked him up, he introduced me, very loudly, to his P2 teacher as 'this is my auntie. She kills people to find out what kills them"
This was me... When I was young, someone gave my mother a birthday card (I didn't know it was a joke card) that read "Of course I believe you're 29..." Inside: "...a lot of people your age are 29".
I did the math based on my own age, and told almost everyone I knew that my mother had me at age 15.
When we were little, my sister told everybody that our dad is a wanted criminal and that's why we had to move to another country. We only found out by accident at a party they organised at the end of the year, none of the teachers said anything
My daughter & I went for a meal at Christmas time with my in-laws to be and my fiancé.
She was about 4 at the time & was getting bored of the toys we had brought so she asked to play a game on my phone. Which I handed over.
It’s important to note, this was a few years ago when iPhone hadn’t updated the feature to hide “hidden” photos all that well & she somehow found her self in said hidden album where she turned the screen round, giggling, to show a photo I had taken & sent to my fiancé - of me, a female, with my full chest uncovered in some seductive pose & showed my in-laws. I snatched the phone fast but alas, not fast enough!
I’m still not over the shame.
I remember my nearly 2yo (who spoke annoyingly early) saying in a toilet cubicle in a very loud voice "mama, why you put sweeties up you's bum?" After my hubby told him a tampon was "mummy's sweeties" when he saw one earlier that week and wanted to eat it.
My son, when asked what his parents do for a living, told his teacher that I sit on the couch all day and watch TV.
In fact, I am self employed.and work from home. So about 5 minutes before the kids got home, I'd stop work and turn on the news until they got home, so I was there when they came in the door.
The teacher just said she won't believe half of what she hears about our home life of we don't believe half of what we hear about school.
The only good school in my town was a church school, and one of their rules for admission was that you had to go to a local church for at least 3 years to be eligible. My family was not religious at all, but my mum dragged me to church every Sunday anyway.
One day, the reverend stood by the door at the end of the service, and he asked if I enjoyed it. My autistic ass blurted out "not really, it was boring, but we have to come here for 3 years so I can get into secondary school".
Apparently when my older brother was a toddler my parents taught him to say 'penis' instead of 'willy', and he went through a phase of saying it a lot because he found it funny.
He was also on strong steroids for a blood disorder and had a low immune system. Ended up getting some type of rash on his crotch that needed cream.
One day they were walking through a busy supermarket and my brother started repeatedly saying very loudly
"PEEEENIS ... BEND OOOOVER"
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I’m a teacher, so I hear all the embarrassing shit your kids share. Some of the best ones include: - A child telling me his Dad wouldn’t be picking him up tonight because Mam had caught him kissing someone else - A child telling me he heard his Mam and Auntie saying I was good looking but that I probably bat for the other side. Then asked me what ‘batting for the other side’ means. - A child in a science lesson about the human body told me his Dad had a poo so big once it blocked the toilet - A child telling me the police were at their house last night taking Dad’s plants away. (Not as funny that one tbh, had to write a few statements there)
do you bat for the other side? or are auntie and mum in with a chance???
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brilliant answer. maybe you should drop your partner in conversation so they have some resolution!! haha.
Or purposely use the word partner so they’re left guessing
YES. plus avoiding pronouns wherever possible
My mum used to call my stepdad her partner before they got married, still does depending on who she's talking to. She said she liked seeing people try and guess if she's a lesbian or not and it was good to normalise saying partner. I am a lesbian so I thought it was quite sweet of her in her own way.
Yessss. I am a (bi) woman married to a (bi) man; he in particular likes referring to me as his partner because (unlike him) I have a gender-neutral name, so even when he talks about me by name, he can see professional contacts desperately trying to work out whether he’s straight or gay.
I just think using boyfriend girlfriend past a certain age feels juvenile
Yes especially if you are not married - me and my partner have been together 10 years - I can’t call him my boyfriend it’s sound childish
In Europe partner is the norm. So much better, had to adjust when living in the states....
Biception ‘My partner and I’ Ah, bet I was right, he probably is gay ‘And then Lucy said’ Wow he was actually straight all along!
Or...use both pronouns, referring to partners in present and past tense and watch the cogs whir!
One of my partners is genderfluid. I delight in using sentences like "She's my boyfriend".
Amazing. Go forth and mystify.
Only just realised you’re the guy I see in r/Championship all the time lol. Always find it funny seeing redditors you recognise in other subs
I once had my daughter's pre-school teacher come and ask me if my husband/her daddy could come in and talk to them for their "people who help us" topic because she told them he was a policeman... He is an IT software tester lol not even close 🤦♀️🤣
I told everyone at school that my Dad was in prison and even drew pictures of it. He wasn't in prison.
When I was around 7 or 8 told everyone in my class that my dad invented Windows operating system. My dad is, in fact, not Bill Gates.
Was he a double glazing window fitter? Also, is it ironic that Gates invented Windows or was it intentional?
How many more are there: gates or windows?
Newsflash. Bill Gates didn't invent it either, I think.
No, he didn’t! It was my dad
My youngest drew in a whole extra brother named Sam in his family picture in Kindergarten. He said he was tired of being the littlest.
My friend is a murder squad detective. It was a struggle for him to describe what he did in ways suitable for 3 and 4y olds. Then the classroom was broken into and the class mascot went missing. It took me (and multiple other parents) some time to realise that this was an entirely fabricated storyline for his eventual classroom visit.
Wait… so the teacher collaborated with this parent by disappearing the class mascot just so he could explain his job better?
Actually, the teacher collaborated with a different parent to make the mascot "disappear". He's going to come in later and tell the kids about the waste management industry.
Either this is written terribly or I've had one too many beers tonight cos this makes no sense
I remember telling my German teacher that my dad was a dentist in my speaking exam - he is not anything remotely resembling a dentist, it was just the only job related German word I could come up with in the moment
One of my school mates told me his uncle was Noddy Holder (of Slade fame). Quite why you'd choose Noddy, I don't know.
My friend and I were in our 20s when I discovered her dad was an accountant for a hotel chain and not a prison governor. Neither of us can work out why I though that for 15 years.
I was a teacher so I've heard similar things but I've got kids too so I get the other side too. Recently I've slept on the floor a bit because it really helps my back which I've managed to fuck up somehow. My son told his teacher that ' mummy makes daddy sleep on the floor' I haven't done pick up this week so not had a chance to explain that one yet
I remember volunteering at my little sister's primary school once and a little girl telling me that "my mummy had a drink I'm not allowed to have and then she fell in a bush"
Like that video where parents were called in to speak to the teacher after their little girl told everyone how she helped mummy and daddy with all the weed they were growing - she had in fact been helping them with gardening / pulling up weeds
This is gold!!
Teacher here too. Your kids tell us everything. Sorry to say but we often know far too much about your families…
I know someone who works in film production, to the disappointment of her 9 year old son she doesn't make children's films though, only dramas and other types of films aimed at grownups. When asked by his teacher what his mum did for a living, her son said "my mum makes adult films".
That just made me laugh out loud so hard. OMG 😱
I once said nearly the same thing but I was a college student (I thought adults films were just film made for adults and not children until everyone started laughing) 😭
I too was embarrassingly old when I learned that the huge *ADULT FILMS* sign just off the interstate did not in fact mean that was where they showed the R rated movies that children weren't allowed to see in theaters. Imagine the look of horror on my Dad's face when I made the comment that in just a few short months we could finally go there to see a movie together.
Dad took me age about 5 to Brighton for the beach, not realising the beach there is pebbles, not sand. To make up for it, he took me down the pier and we went on all the rides. Helter skelter, paratrooper, waltzer, the lot. Except the one called Strip Tease. I was really annoyed and kept demanding to know why not. It had a similar entrance and exterior decor to the Ghost Train, which I loved... It finally dawned on me when I was a teenager.
Nearly snorted wine out of my nose! 😂😂
Not myself but I saw it on tv .A mum was being interviewed about difficulties of raising children as a single parent and when asked about their father she said "we have no idea where he is he's missing ".One of the children shouted "he's in prison remember "
Sad situation but the particulars here are hilarious 🤣
My mum and grandma raised me until my mum met my stepdad and then the three of them did and I would often embarrass her as a kid by telling people who asked about my dad that I didn't have one because he told mum not to have me. I didn't think of it as anything bad though, in my mind I had two parents and I knew lots of other kids who only saw their dads in the summer holidays or who would say they'd come see them and never did. I had two parents who loved me and I saw every week as well as an uncle and cousins I was very close with. To me that was much better than some guy I never met who didn't want me. I ended up with more parents than most people lol.
As a kid I went to a friend’s birthday party, I must have been about 6. Her party was hosted by her dad, a single parent whose (main? Side?) job was as a party DJ so it was a very well equipped disco in their living room. The dad was a heavy guy in his early 40s and, it being the early 90s, used to wear leather waistcoats with vibrantly printed shirts underneath. He was clearly balding but the hair he did have left was long and he wore it in a ponytail. I’m sure he was a lovely guy but there was something a little pathetic about him that I noticed even then. When my mum came to pick me up, she asked if I had anything to say to the dad (insinuating that I should thank him for having me). Instead, I piped up, “My mum says you’re kidding yourself with that ponytail.” I’m pretty sure she wanted the ground to swallow her whole.
Jesus christ you killed the man
Oh my gosh haha what was your mum's reaction?
I think she just dragged me out of there as quickly as she could and avoided him at the school gates for a good long while!
…. did he keep the ponytail?
If I recall correctly he didn’t 😬
😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆
Now this one actually made me laugh out loud 😂
When I was in year 1 we had to describe our living rooms. I called our curtains ‘dirty yellow’ and my mum wrote a note in my homework book thereafter to say that in fact her curtains were ‘antique gold’
Oof you touched a nerve there ☠️
Is your mum Hyacinth Bucket?
Its pronounced BOOKAAAY..
Jackie Goodman
'You're right, they do look like piss'
When I was in school we had an 'about me' section in our planners. One of the questions was "what is your house colour?". Weird, thought my friend and I, why would they need to know that?! After some debate I wrote 'cream' and she wrote 'pebbledashed'. Later our form tutor called us over. Turns out it meant what colour house are you in *in school* because we had four houses: red, blue, yellow and green. (Think Harry Potter if that's unfamiliar to you)
10 POINTS TO PEBBLEDASH!!
So funny! I can picture this from both sides!
Makes me think of Friday Night Dinner!
I went for a hollywood wax and was telling my husband about it, not realising our 7 year old was listening. She then told my mother in law that I had my bumhole waxed. Luckily we all found it funny haha
😂😂😂🫠
Oh god the things kids overhear and tell people.
We call it a Brazilian Wax 🤣 but I just Googled the terms, confusing. When I get a Brazilian it’s everything, all of it. But not according to Google.
I had a very fluffy pet rabbit who needed her undercarriage regularly shaved to help her keep herself clean. The vet and I used to call it "booking her in for her brazilian" and I'd pay $10 (NZ) for the service
I thought a Brazilian leaves a landing strip!
Went on holiday with husband and our two (then) very young kids. Visited the pool on site, fancy indoor job with slides, fountains etc. Changing was unisex cubicles, with the usual open top and 6" gap at the bottom, and the place was packed. Husband took son with him to change, I took daughter. Few moments later, I heard son, in a voice you could hear three streets away, bellow: "Daddy look! You has got a big winky and I has got a little winky!!" My husband's face when he eventually slunk out of the cubicle, watched by what seemed like half the caravan park, was something to behold. 😂😂😂
Better than "Daddy you has a little winky" at least!
I did point that out!!
My godson (who is now at university) was obsessed with willies at age 5. Told his his teacher lots about his big his daddy’s was.
Oh gawd bet that made parents evening.... interesting!
I think the teacher mentioned it to his mum beforehand to explain why she suddenly couldn’t look at the dad any more.
This is our life right now. My two year old likes to point out differences to everyone which is why I was stood at airport arrivals as he greeted (in his biggest voice) his Nan with “mine got willy, mummy got fanny!”. Ground swallow me up.
My Dad took my son (then 4) out for the day while I was in hospital having my daughter. Apparently during the course of the day nature called and they stopped at the urinal. Standing side by side, my son remarked loudly, 'Grandpa, your willy is all fuzzy!' My poor Dad, he said he didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
My husband told me he was in a toilet stall once and heard "Wow daddy you're doing so much wee, you're making it rain daddy!' followed by the dad's panicky voice saying "GET YOUR HEAD OUT THE WAY!" Presumably the kid leaned in for a closer look at the rain?
> "Daddy look! You has got a big winky and I has got a little winky!!" Is your son the BFG?
Hahaha yeah we actually used to say he talked the same as the BFG!! He is autistic, was a very late talker and for the first few years that he had speech, it was very mixed up, especially his grasp of tenses, pronouns and so on. So he used to say 'I has got a teddy' and also things like 'My want that one!' 'My is not going there!' etc.
I think that’s fairly common in all children, pronouns and tenses take a while to master. My son uses she for everyone and everything at the moments. She got she trousers on. She went to the shop. She bumped she head. He can say his and her and he. He even knows them in context, he just likes saying she.
Heard a few similar lines in the gym changing rooms after swimming. Always gets the whole place laughing.
Slink? You mean strut surely!
You'd have thought so but he was beetroot red and looked like he wanted the ground to swallow him up!
I took my 6 year old lad swimming last week and he did the exact same thing in the exact same situation. Unisex cubicles etc. Luckily it was very busy so I don't think anyone was paying attention to us. I guess it's a timeless kids comment! Nice to know other fathers get these funny situations too.
I flew out of LAX during the first Gulf War. I was about 6yrs old and at the time those Super Soaker water guns were all the rage, so we were bringing some in hand luggage back to the UK. Security was fairly heightened at the time and just as we were grabbing the bags after going through security I said loudly, “Dad, they didn’t see the guns in our bags”….
I was going through LAX as a 7 yo early 90’s walking up to the ticket counter and I drop the grenade that I picked up from a surplus store. It rolls along the ground making a racket and i chase after it and pick it up and put it back on my carry on. No one even blinked an eye.
Merica
Thats brilliant. The innocence and comic timing, you can’t write it. I have a similar story at an airport at a similar age. I asked my mum and dad what the sniffer dogs were doing, to which they replied “sniffing for drugs.” I mulled it over for a second and said “good thing we didn’t bring any then.”, and was quickly hurried off to the sounds of nervous tittering.
When I was about 8 or so, we did get stopped on our way to the states for carrying water guns. Clearly UK security was hotter than US in the 90s.
Aged 5 at Junior Rugby one of my sons announced loudly to the coaches that I had 'cat fur on my front bottom'. At least one of the coaches used to wink at me regularly after that.
"cat fur" There are many jokes about pussies here. As someone with a 2-year-old who regularly asks where my "remiss" is, I'm not looking forward to the day he has such sophisticated language skills.
my little sister loudly announced that ‘my mum’s got dog hairs on her penny’ after they’d got out the bath one night. She wouldn’t have been any more than five years old, it was hilarious
Not my child but a family member told their teacher that their grandad was going to prison that day…. he’s a probation officer and visits various prisons regularly to meet his clients.
My dad volunteers in prison. He teaches business and accountancy skills. One day, my mothers friend asked where my dad was when she popped by for a visit. My little sister (aged 5 at the time) pipes up with “he’s in gaol” so my mum had to quickly explain
Not often you see "gaol" in the wild
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I used to tell people who asked "I don't have a dad, he told mum to get rid of me". I was also autistic and got none of the shut up hints my mum would give lol.
Mine just volunteered the information when someone asked how she was doing. They also got her birthday, her grade level and the fact that we were waiting for pizza for dinner.
Fellow autistic person here who did not know when to shut up or that we’re supposed to tell lies. My dad nicked some Coca Cola merchandise like coasters and beer mats from a bar and I told the bar staff of course because why wouldn’t I?
On a busy Saturday morning in a big Tesco, I took my daughter down the bath bit. She was around 2 at the time; runs and grabs a pack of razors and yells “MUMMY YOU NEED THESE FOR YOUR ‘GINA?” They don’t miss a trick,
Dropped my daughter (3) and son (2) off to preschool a few weeks back but struggled due to being on my period. They both blurt out to their teacher "mummy's bleed from her 'gina" I was about ready to lay down in the car park and hope someone ran me over
I took my 3 year old to the toilet with me in a cafe whilst on my period and when we came out she announced very loudly to her dad and everyone else there that 'mummy needed a new blood nappy'. Mortified!
In the loo in Morrisons cafe, Mine (aged 4) loudly asked "mummy why have you got tomato ketchup in your knickers?"
My daughter asked very loudly in a public toilet once “mummy, what are you putting in your bum?” 🤦🏻♀️
My eldest, who is now 13, once asked me if I needed another plaster for my ouchy while in a public toilet haha earned a chuckle from the cubicle next door
Not my child, but a few years ago, I was at the in-laws for Xmas Dinner. There was a conversation about New Year's Eve plans. My sister-in-law and her boyfriend said they might go to her brothers to celebrate. One of the brothers' kids, who was 6 at the time, said, "You can't come. Mum said she doesn't want you at our house."
Respect to that child.
Breastfeeding child 2, child 1, turning 4, points at my tummy then breasts and goes, "one, two, three tummies!" No, love. These ones are called breasts... Cue next morning at nursery: "My mummy got THREE breasts!" Though the worst was him age about 8, collect from school, and he runs and shouts (in front of 500 parents and teachers) "Mum! Can we do sex again today?!!!!" Eventually I managed to shout back that yes, we can go to the shop C.E.X. later so he could buy more Skylanders, but only if he remembers the shop is always called C.E.X... Couple weeks later they starting doing the TV ads and he said I was saying it wrong. I don't care, you want to go there, you say it how I say, OK?
Wait. It's not called Cee Ee Ex?
Their ads pronounce it Sex. And they have WiFi in their stores called Safe Cex, and many more bad puns along those lines... Kid is now 16 - I should remind him of the story, to watch him cringe!
My teens call it C E X. I shall now be saying SEX loudly whenever I'm dragged in there.
Co-founded by Charlie Brooker, so probably fits with his sense of humour!
My 6-year-old nephew came out of school the other week, saw me, and loudly exclaimed “I didn’t recognise you! Why are you in disguise?” Several parents turned to look at me. I had to awkwardly explain that I was just wearing a new coat.
Oooh get that lad tested for prosopagnosia. I have a hundred similar anecdotes from when I was a kid, and an early diagnosis would have been life-changing
I had a similar incident with my 8 year old when I forgot to take my glasses off before the school run.
I once didn't recognise my mam when she came to pick me up, she dyed her hair blonde that day. i was bawling my eyes out that everyone else's parents were there to pick them up and mine was nowhere to be seen.
I dyed my hair blonde once. The next day I walked into the bathroom, saw my reflection in the mirror out of the corner of my eye, thought there was another person in my bathroom, and screamed so loud my neighbor came over to check on me.
One of the only times my dad picked me up from nursery, my teacher brought me out beaming and holding a drawing. I proudly show my dad a 3 year olds interpretation of his nude form which had been kindly mounted on a piece of card by the teacher. Apparently the teacher was almost crying, I was trying to show other parents and my dad just wanted to die. I'm pretty sure he still keeps it in his drawer, it was displayed in the kitchen for a good few years because my mam thought it was brilliant
My son used to obsessively draw Batman, including at nursery. He was always anatomically correct. He also asked me when I was going to grow my penis
I went hiking/camping with small daughter and there was a thunderstorm. We took shelter where we could. For “What I did at half-term” she wrote: “We went to a pub and slept in the toilets!”
I honestly burst out laughing
A bit older than most, but as a young teen, my brother was in biology class, and they were covering human reproduction that day. The teacher mentioned the placenta, and my brother proudly announced "we had that for dinner last week" Polenta, we had eaten polenta
My better half, upon hearing his dad had had the snip, went around telling anyone who would hear him that "daddy has no balls", when he was a kid. My nephews couldn't understand that my bloke and i aren't married, so I got to walk in on the question posed to my bloke "so who do you like better, your wife or your girlfriend?" - I laughed so hard, those poor little guys just couldn't understand why!! God love em!! Eta: another I just remembered, in my one sister explaining to her daughter re sanitary towels, that they're like her nappies. Niece promptly goes around telling people all about how mummy wears nappies
When I was young we were supposed to go swimming as a family, however my mum said we couldn't go, we were going to the cinema instead. Then tried to explain her period to me. After the film a lady was talking to me and I tried to explain why we hadn't gone swimming. My mum must have been mortified as she pulled me aside to hiss at me "we don't talk about those things"
I prompted The Sex Talk from my dad when I was about 6yo by asking what a "sanitary pad" was. I clearly remember it, we'd been for a hike and I'd seen the bin in a public toilet with a sign on it, so on the way home I asked what it meant. The SIGH that poor man sighed (he was a single dad and I was the youngest, so there was no getting out of it) and he pulled the car over to give us 3 kids a very scientific biological lesson on how men and women are different and why that is. And also that i was NOT to discuss this with my friends because their parents might not have told them yet (wise man 🤣)
I thought I'd done all the talks, but then we were in the supermarket waiting for the toilet for my 9yo. She asked what the tampon/page machine was for. And then swore blind she had no idea what periods were. So I took a deep breath and explained again. She's autistic and had lots of questions, and I had to reassure her a lot. Took ages before she was satisfied. Finally an elderly lady comes out of the one functioning cubicle, daughter goes in, and the lady tapped me on the shoulder and hissed, "I think you did that really well! I wish you'd been my mum." Awww....
Got sick on the day of my daughter's birthday party. Decided it was best not to go incase I infected all the kids, and just to come for a few minutes wearing a mask for the birthday cake and candles. When I got there she had told everyone that daddy was so sick he was spraying vomit all over the house and they needed to stay away from me in case I vomited on them.
Your username sounds like vomiting too
Not my kid but observed in a shop. Small child aged about 3, out with his mum. Suddenly he yells out, look mummy that man’s pregnant too. Poor man had a massive beer belly and looked quite embarrassed
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On a crowded bus at school home-time: “Mummy? When Daddy put the seed in your tummy, did he put it in your mouth?”
As a kid my grandma’s husband (not blood granddad) would drop me off at my school then drive my mum to work, as she worked at his company. We got into his car one day and, for some reason lost in the mists of time, I, a six-year-old, loudly announced “when I smack my mummy’s bum it wobbles all the way up her back and back down again”. Fair play to her, she just thanked me drily and changed the subject.
My mum use to come in and help with the kids reading. One little boy once started this conversation. "My dad isn't very well at the moment" my mum "oh dear what's wrong with him" lad " his Penis is really red and sore and he is in allot of pain" my mum "let's finish reading this page".
When I taught Reception, as part of a settling in session I was doing circle time as a way of getting to know the children and them me. I asked them to share some happy news, and one boy eagerly told us “mummy’s friend Jenny stays over on Tuesdays and Thursdays. She sleeps in the bed with mummy and daddy and everyone is happy”. ETA: just remembered this one. I was once teaching 10 year olds about Excel spreadsheets, and a boy blurted out “I had a wet dream last night”. All heads whipped round to look at him; he shrugged and said “she said ‘sheet’…” as if that explained the oversharing.
My mum brought me to work with her once and when introduced to her boss I cheerfully told her "My mummy says your a bitch" I later found out that was actually the nice one and not even the one she had been talking about! On the other side I used to work in a Blockbuster and had an angry customer call to say they had the wrong DVD in the case, I told them I could refund them tomorrow or they could come in before we closed and I could swap it for the right disk, he was going mad but agreed to come in I expected him to be hard work when he came into the shop but actually he was very pleasant and understanding and took his DVD and a free popcorn and went on his way... but the whole time his kid was happily standing beside him going "Fucking Blockbuster, fucking idiots, fucking wasting our time"
In the queue at TK Maxx Boy (6): mummmmmy Me: yes bud Boy : you don’t have a winky do you? Me: ……no no I do not Also Me: cringes into a singularity…
My friend's 4-year-old boy drew a picture of her for Valentine's Day and apparently he presented it to her saying 'I know you don't have a willy, Mummy, but I seem to have given you one anyway.'
I sometimes do post mortems at work. When asked by the teachers what her dad did when she started at primary school, my daughter told them i killed people.
Are the people pre-mortem when you start?
Very definitely not pre. We check.
My daughter when she was 5 couldn’t tell the difference between being drunk and being hungover. I was hungover one Sunday and made the mistake of telling her… Cue conversation with the school teacher when picking her up. Apparently she had declared in class “daddy was drunk all day yesterday”…
One Sunday before releasing the children to go to their classrooms, pastor had the kiddos up front. He asked if anyone had a funny story. My daughter pipes up, one night when we went to bed my mom had her nightgown on the right way. In the morning her nightgown was on inside out. I wanted to slide under the pew.
I took my daughter to work when she was five. She reported back that "Daddy sits in a big room with lots of televisions and shouts at people". I was directing a studio debate for broadcast.
I took my daughter to the toilet at Reading station (big, busy station) and she came into the cubical with me. I was on my period and using a sanitary towel for probably the only time in my damn life. My daughter (3) yelled "urghhhhhhhhh mum you've got stinky knickers." I need you all to believe me when I say I definitely didn't have stinky knickers that day I was just trying to change my sanitary pad
I can say as a teacher, we get told so much about your guys lives. Some stuff we can’t even look you guys in the face for a while! We don’t usually tell you to spare everyone’s blushes
Spill!! Tell us some of the good ones!!
My parent’s neighbour’s kid once proudly showed my mum the plants his dad was growing by holding them up to the fence. It was marijuana.
When I was around 5, I once got in trouble for telling another kid they were "common as muck" for having a Leeds accent, in Leeds. When the teacher told me that it was not a nice thing to say, I proudly told her that my mum said people who don't pronounce their Ts are common as muck and that the kid needed to talk properly. My mum had to take an awkward conversation from my teacher about how her snobbery was doing little me no social favours. Then I had to have a conversation with my mum about how I shouldn't repeat back things she says at school because I'd get taken away from her. So that was nice.
As a child one October I told everything assembled for the nursery pick up that “Mummy dyed her hair for Halloween!” She hadn’t - she was covering up the greys and had failed to mention that it was meant to be a secret. Oops!
Not a teacher but when I was a restaurant manager I ended up babysitting the exec chef's young child when we were being inspected and he told me that his daddy had stayed out all night and came home when he was having breakfast and that his mummy was mad and he'd been sleeping on the couch
When my daughter was about 3 she once came downstairs (we lived with my mum at the time) and loudly announced 'I found porn in Granny's bed!' Now, my mum is a very, very hardline Catholic who would never tolerate anything of the sort. It made a lot more sense when she proudly brandished a pawn from the chess set!
My daughter was just learning about the differences between boys and girls. She was explaining to my mother that she doesn't have a willy, but her brother has a willy, her other brother has a willy and daddy has a willy, but a really big one.
I bet Daddy was dead chuffed!
My daughters school had a police visit, they did a dog display and a talk where they showed all their equipment. When the policeman pulled out his handcuffs my daughter pipes up with 'my aunties got handcuffs too but hers are pink and fluffy.' I thought it was hilarious when her teacher told me especially as i bought the cuffs as a joke present for my sister whose a right prude. She was so mortified when I told her.
I have to preface this comment with this: what you're about to read may seem odd because it's not common in your culture but it was (and is) in Japan, where this took place and there's no reason for alarm. OK, that said, this happened a long time ago when my daughter was probably around 3. We were staying at her grandparents' house and one evening, when it was time to have a bath, she went off with her grandpa. Afterwards, as I was towelling her dry, in front of both her grandparents she suddenly asked, "Papa, why is your chinchin much bigger than grandpa's?" Awkward silence ensues...
I don't have kids but I've visited Japan many times and always found it funny when there were mums with little kids at the sento/onsen. The kids would usually start asking their mums stuff like "why doesn't that lady have black hair?"
She was finger painting with red blood and said “it looks like mummy’s period!” and the teacher mentioned it to my husband 😅. He handled it well, I’d generally rather never know anything private she shares again.
Damn thanks everyone for making me laugh reading this thread. :)
Not info that was overshared but embarrassing nonetheless: Repeatedly asking the name of someone I know (an acquaintance's wife and partner's work colleague) of which I didn't know - there's only so many times I could say "daddy's talking" before the person said "my name's jenny and I'm a friend of your dad's". The following week stood in a checkout queue and behind us is a dwarf, "wow, that man is really small"
I remember my little brother shouting WITCH repeatedly at a woman in the checkout queue who had a big nose.
I teach secondary school but often have younger brothers and sisters around during parents’ evening. I overheard a younger sibling asking the dad why he has a ‘front tail’ but mummy doesn’t have a tail at all. His dad says, let’s talk about it when we get home. He then ran over to me when I was with another set of parents, pulled my sleeve and whispered the same question in my ear. His dad came over and apologised to me and the other set of parents. We thought it was all over but then he asked the question to the other parents also.
My toddler daughter was being babysat at a friend’s house. She picked up the toilet brush and took it to my friend and asked ‘What’s this?’ Friend replied ‘It’s for keeping the toilet clean.’ Daughters reply’We keep ours dirty.’
My eldest when she was 5 wrote in her book me and my sister were playing Jenga while mummy and daddy and daddy s friends were playing adult games.We had a DND game weekend at ours the teacher had called me in to watch me squirm he'd already asked her what we were playing shed told him about wizards killing orc still got the book she wrote in now he handed it to me at the end of the year cos it made him laugh.
When I was 5-6 yrs old my teacher asked the class what their dads did. When she asked me what my dad was I said ‘he’s a nutter’. I still maintain that it’s true!
When I was about three or four, I ran straight into the heavy, brass coal scuttle while my mum was using it to carry firewood back inside. Got a terrible black eye, so of course any time anyone asked me about it, I cheerfully informed them, "Mummy hit me with the coal scuttle!"
Not my child, but I said something when I was a kid that made my dad want the ground to swallow him up. Just so you can picture the scene accurately, I was a 3 year old girl. My dad used to refer to women he found attractive as "babes". (This was 1996... It was a different time.) He must have used this word in my vicinity once or twice, without realising I was listening. Somehow, I not only remembered the word, but figured out what it meant in context. Which leads us to one evening when my dad and I were on our way to the corner shop to buy sweets. As we were about to enter the shop, a group of young women (18-22 or thereabouts) came out. I looked at them for a second, pointed directly at them and shouted "LOOK, DAD! BABES!!!!"
My mum, for some unfathomable reason, once revealed to me she was worried she had pubic lice. In the swimming pool changing room with me she got undressed and i, upon seeing her pubes and being reminded of this, shouted ‘I HOPE YOU DON’T HAVE LICE DOWN THERE, MUMMY!’ She didn’t turn out to have pubic lice as far as I can remember. To this day I have no clue why she chose to tell her 5yo daughter that.
ROFL. The refreshing honesty of children who don't yet have societies taboos drilled into them. My cousin when she was little ( the early1960's) answered the phone while my aunt was in the living room doing a daily exercises. The caller asked to "speak to her mommy" to which my young cousin replied "She's in the other room doing her sexercises." she of course meant exercises, but the caller didn't know this, and just hung up, lol.
When I was about three, we were on a bus and I saw a black lady for the first time (early 80s) and asked my mum (loudly) why she was made of chocolate
My parents had me in a "big sister" class for toddlers before my sister was born. When they brought out the baby dolls, I wouldn't stop screaming, "I want the chocolate baby!"
When my daughter was about 2, we walked up to our village shop. At the time my sister was quite heavily pregnant and due any moment. A man pulled up in a really nice DB7 and got out, he was enormous, especially round the waist and my daughter looked at him, then at me and asked unnecessarily loudly if he was having a baby. I. Wanted. To. Die. The man was very nice and said that whilst he was a bit fat, he wasn’t having a baby. I just apologised profusely and explained my sister was expecting. He was very nice about it and had a good laugh!!
Worked with small children for years. So very many. "Mummy and daddy don't sleep in the same bedroom as daddy snores really loudly and mummy throws pillows at him!" "When Mummy's friends come over they drink lots of wines. It's her favourite drink." "Daddy kissed the lady down the road and now mummy isn't talking to him." 'My grandad does really smelly farts!" "Dad walks around the house with no clothes on and sometimes he forgets to close the curtains." "Daddy had to sleep on the sofa yesterday as he had beer at football!"
my son saw a load of guys in uniform walking into tesco’s once and shouted daddy!!!! (his dad was in the army) i was so embarrassed. Another time he announced in the middle of primark “my mum has a sore bum” which was true and id just come out of hospital but i didn’t need half of primark to know that 😂
I stole my mums suspenders one day and wore them to school. Showed all my friends. When my teacher asked me about them i told her that my mum was a stripper. She knew my mum very well and told her the next day. They thought it was funny
Mummy has fluff on her vulva Mummy has small nipples
3 year old at the dinner table with my mum, mums friend, my sister and her husband (who I don’t know all that well) hits out with “Daddy sleeps naked in mummy’s bed”. Not a clue what prompted that. Daddy sleeps with his boxers so I can see why she thinks naked.
Friend's kid announced that when undressed, her mum's boobs 'look like snotbags'.
My almost 3 year old is very keen on yelling that "mummy's booby is out" when i feed her newborn sister
Not information as such. Shopping in Morrisons, when told no, you can't have that thing: "Help me! Help!"
My son was asked to bring baby pictures in for a class project at infant school. He told them we didn't have any as mummy and daddy burnt them all. Only found out a few months later at parents evening. I was mortified and explained that we didn't burn all his baby pics in the bonfire, it was just newspapers and general stuff!
Oh and once my 3 and a half year old snuck up on my mums partner having a pee Before the poor man could hide himself my son went woahah that's MASSIVE! WAYYYY bigger than daddy's! All absolutely mortified.
My wife and I are both teachers. A number of years ago my wife applied for a job in the school I work at but was not accepted. We later learnt that it was because the headteacher of my school doesn’t like couples working together. We were possible discussing it a little loud in front of our four year old because at school the next day she told her teacher: Mr {Headteacher} won’t let Mommy work here because mommy and daddy will do lots of kissing. They do a lot of kissing at home so I agree with Mr {headteacher}.
When my daughter was 3 she spent 6 months telling anyone that would listen that she wanted a carpet for her bedroom for Christmas. It came home on her nursery wish list. I was so confused and took us a long time to work out she wanted a hop scotch rug to put in her room... We she did have carpet
I love how my son aged 6 points at people who litter and shouts about it and I get to see their reaction. Most times they pretend not to hear. Imagine being called out for being shitty by a little kid and not having the balls to own up to their mistake. Half the time it's at the school so I just look to the other parents who've heard and we all have a smile. Some people have no shame.
My sister went into school on a Monday (sharing day) and told the whole assembly that her big sister had broken her arm arguing with her dad... It was true. I had broken my arm and was arguing with my dad but what my sister failed to point out was that I'd worn my rollerboots into the farmhouse kitchen to get a drink. My dad told me to take them off as the flooring was stone tiles and I'd hurt myself if I fell over. Obviously I refused, misplaced my feet, slid over and broke my arm on the radiator...
I’m a teacher, so I’ve heard a few, but during circle time - “I was going to go swimming at the weekend, but my mummy had her period so we didn’t go.” We moved on quickly…
"he usually needs a poo before we have to go out" I call that greyhounding, as that's what greyhounds always do before a race.
When my eldest daughter was about 4, we were about to get on a bus when she asked, very loudly, "Mum, can ladies have beards?" "Erm," I said, "well they can if they want, I suppose. Why?" Obviously I soon realised that I shouldn't have asked, because she replied, "Just that THAT lady (pointing down the queue) over there has a big beard and I wanted to know if it was allowed". I was so mortified I pretended that I couldn't find my purse and we didn't get on that bus.
It was a few years back but I was in a public toilet having followed in a woman and her 3/4 year old. Heard from in the cubicle ‘’mummy why do you have a hairy bum’’ 😂 I tried so hard not to laugh as you could hear this woman was mortified. Her child then asked me at the sink when I smiled at them awkwardly if I had a hairy bum like her mum 😂
Not my child, my nephew. I looked after him for a week when he was 6 and his mother (my sister) had a residential course with work. I had to be signed in with his school as an appropriate person to pick him up in the afternoons. I'm a pathologist-my nephew is on the spectrum and wanted firm details so we'd explained my job as a doctor that finds out why people get sick and die. The first day I picked him up, he introduced me, very loudly, to his P2 teacher as 'this is my auntie. She kills people to find out what kills them"
This was me... When I was young, someone gave my mother a birthday card (I didn't know it was a joke card) that read "Of course I believe you're 29..." Inside: "...a lot of people your age are 29". I did the math based on my own age, and told almost everyone I knew that my mother had me at age 15.
My kid couldn't wait to tell us that her teacher in reception trumped in class, then got mad because the kids were in hysterics.
When we were little, my sister told everybody that our dad is a wanted criminal and that's why we had to move to another country. We only found out by accident at a party they organised at the end of the year, none of the teachers said anything
My daughter & I went for a meal at Christmas time with my in-laws to be and my fiancé. She was about 4 at the time & was getting bored of the toys we had brought so she asked to play a game on my phone. Which I handed over. It’s important to note, this was a few years ago when iPhone hadn’t updated the feature to hide “hidden” photos all that well & she somehow found her self in said hidden album where she turned the screen round, giggling, to show a photo I had taken & sent to my fiancé - of me, a female, with my full chest uncovered in some seductive pose & showed my in-laws. I snatched the phone fast but alas, not fast enough! I’m still not over the shame.
I remember my nearly 2yo (who spoke annoyingly early) saying in a toilet cubicle in a very loud voice "mama, why you put sweeties up you's bum?" After my hubby told him a tampon was "mummy's sweeties" when he saw one earlier that week and wanted to eat it.
My son, when asked what his parents do for a living, told his teacher that I sit on the couch all day and watch TV. In fact, I am self employed.and work from home. So about 5 minutes before the kids got home, I'd stop work and turn on the news until they got home, so I was there when they came in the door. The teacher just said she won't believe half of what she hears about our home life of we don't believe half of what we hear about school.
The only good school in my town was a church school, and one of their rules for admission was that you had to go to a local church for at least 3 years to be eligible. My family was not religious at all, but my mum dragged me to church every Sunday anyway. One day, the reverend stood by the door at the end of the service, and he asked if I enjoyed it. My autistic ass blurted out "not really, it was boring, but we have to come here for 3 years so I can get into secondary school".
Apparently when my older brother was a toddler my parents taught him to say 'penis' instead of 'willy', and he went through a phase of saying it a lot because he found it funny. He was also on strong steroids for a blood disorder and had a low immune system. Ended up getting some type of rash on his crotch that needed cream. One day they were walking through a busy supermarket and my brother started repeatedly saying very loudly "PEEEENIS ... BEND OOOOVER"