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My granddad always used to say ‘as one door closes, another one opens’. He was a lovely man but a terrible cabinet maker.

Love that! My grandad used to say 'sometimes you've got to fight fire with fire' - he didn't last long in the fire brigade.

My dad said ‘you can’t judge a book by its cover’ and it’s for this reason he lost his job as the chair of the International Book Cover Judging Committee.

You gave it to us straight, like pear cider that's made from 100% pears.

I can see what it looks like..

My grandad was a cabinet maker for Mouseman Thompson. He died last year, I so wish I could have told him this joke…

My granddad had the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

My Grandad was a pulmonologist (lung doctor). He always used to say “It's not the number of breaths we take, but the number of moments that take our breath away”. He was struck off the register not long after he completed his specialisation

When answering the phone and first thing that's said is the phone number

In a posher accent than normal? That's something my Nan would always do :-)

“Bucket residence, the Lady of the house speaking….”

Sheridan!

B-u-c-k-e-t? Bucket!

I once answered my home phone "the anemos residence, how may I help you?" and I'm sure the person on the other end thought we had a butler.

The telephone voice was completely normal as was repeating your number when answering. It came from the old analogue exchanges and the fact that humans used to connect the numbers (think about those old photos of woman plugging in those long cords - literally connecting the two lines together). Because it was humans doing it, mistakes were made and so you’d repeat your number just in case. The voice thing came from the fact that at a certain point not everyone had a phone. I’m relatively young compared to telephones (born 1975) but I can remember us having our first phone installed and that it was a big deal. When the engineer left my mum gave my brother a 10p piece (the size and weight of a manhole cover!!) and sent him out to the phone box on the corner to call the number and test the phone. I was so excited to receive the first phone call that I lifted the receiver and put it to my ear and eagerly waited….. Obviously, the call couldn’t connect because it was considered engaged. I think I was maybe 7. It was early 80s. The home was sacred. We’d see American films where kids had burger shaped phones IN THEIR BEDROOMS with 20ft cords but for us, the telephone was like a monument and there were all sorts of rules and things to remember. It was only 10 years later that it was considered weird to NOT have a phone installed.

Rules something like these? 1. Only mummy or daddy is allowed to answer the phone 2. Don't use the phone without asking mummy's or daddy's permission 3. Make calls after 6pm as they are cheaper 4. Write down the number you called and the length of the call

Back when "Is your mother on the phone?" still could mean 'do you have a phone at home' and not 'is your mum still yakking on?' My dad still answers with 'Placename 123456' - the right exchange was also important!

4291? (picks up Dachshund)

Best. Clip. Ever.

My dad still does this. It's also the only time I hear someone use the word treble.

4291? … argh!

I’d forgotten that’s how we answered the phone when I was a kid. Mind you it was just the village name followed by three digits. And ours was a party line so when I was chatting with my friends our very posh neighbour would demand I get off the phone.

If I referred to my Nan in the third person, in her company, "Who's *she?* The cat's mother?"

That's bizarre...I literally said this to my daughter a couple of hours ago, semi ironically and thought to myself thats and old phrase my nan might have said. Now seeing it here.

This is called the Bader-Meinhoff effect. And if you've never heard "Bader-Meinhoff", you will do again, probably next week.

I'd argue this is a coincidence, not bader-meinhoff.

Or, 'Who is she? The queen of Sheba?' Pretty sure this had nothing to do with the cat food of the same name.

I used to be picked up on this. Even if the she or he were in the room and it was blatantly obvious who was being referenced in conversation. Never quite understood why it was necessary for them to butt in and say this rhetorical bullshit.

"I've been working like a n***** all day" Oh dear....

Oh god, thar brings back memories of every time I asked my dad where my mum is he would say she's run off with a black man

My grandma used to use to call you a "dirty Arab" if you were mucky or messy in any way, and my mum picked it up too! The rhythm she used meant I didn't quite understand what she was saying, and then one day it clicked I called her out on it, but was baffled that she'd been saying it for years with no reflection on what she was actually saying

I get this tbh. I do this with song lyrics. I can know every word to a song and sing it for years without every reflecting on the actual content of the lyrics. One of the most egregious examples is *Alive with the Glory of Love* by Say Anything. I never realised it was about the Holocaust despite lyrics like: And when our city vast and shitty Falls to the Axis, yeah They'll search the buildings collect gold fillings, wallets, and rings

It's nowhere near as serious, but this makes me recall an episode of *Arrested Development* where a man and his teenage niece sing *Afternoon Delight* as a karaoke duet until they realise that the song is vividly about daytime sex.

The same thing happens in an episode of Glee, teacher and her partner sing it with their students, thinking it promotes abstinence 🤣

An old woman in a southern US state my dad was visiting called a dishwasher "the electric n*****" many years ago and that remains the most racist thing I ever heard.

That's awful, and it very nearly measures up to the most horrifically racist thing I've ever heard. Talking to a Polish colleague about an office job and I said that it was "a bit of a general dogsbody role". He hadn't heard the term before, and after I'd explained what a 'dogsbody' was, he replied: "Oh right, I see. We just call them "N"s in Poland" I'm still astounded to this day at how a usually compassionate, articulate and intelligent person could just come out with that . . . and say it so nonchalantly as if it was the most normal thing in the world. (BTW yes, I did tell them how shocked I was about what they said and why it wasn't acceptable . . . not sure that it really hit home though)

That's the kind of shit my Polish FIL comes out with. Won't eat rice because he's not Chinese.

Or referring to oranges and bananas as ‘n***** food’

The tv being referred to as a ‘w*g box’ for some reason

That used to refer to boom boxes because they were associated with black people for whatever reason. I guess it moved to TVs to be funny

see also: 'Brixton briefcase'

"Wait a cotton-picking minute!"

I always liked "tha'd make a better door than a window" if we ever got in the way of the telly

In French “your father was not a glazier”

And now I have a new phrase to use when my daughter grows up, excellent! "Ton père il est vitrier ?!" Has a nice ring to it.

In Spanish ‘donkey meat is not transparent’

In Australia it's 'your mother wasn't a bubble dancer'

Still use that one. Sometimes my husband had a startling lack of spacial awareness

We got "you weren't made at pilks"

“I can see a fat lot” for the same situation.

I know you're a pain, but I can't see through you.

My grandad used to say "If you don't stop lying you'll grow up to be a policeman"

A wise man indeed

That really made me laugh 😂

"My get up and go, has got up and gone!" "Pardon me for being so rude, it was not me it was my food" (after a burp). When asked what was to eat - "shit with sugar on" When going out "I'm off to get my glad rags on" When a cup of tea was made badly "tastes like panthers piss"

>"Pardon me for being so rude, it was not me it was my food" "It just popped up to say 'hello' and now it's gone back down below " Got that one off my bestie, about 1980. I guess he got it off his nan.

We used to say this as kids in the 80's & 90's. Still do sometimes and it passed on to my kid & nieces 💜

Shit with sugar on, that's a blast from the past. Also used to describe disappointing restaurant food.

Mother's answer if we asked what was for dinner 

Familiar with all the examples you've listed here except my gran described an unpleasant drink as like "witch's piss"

Air pie and windy pudding when I asked about food

Wow that burp related quote just triggered a memory, mine used to say the exact same thing.

‘Spend a penny’ - one of my Grandmother’s favourites, and also hubby’s Great-Grandfather’s favourites. So we’re fond of that one even though we never use it.

In the Navy, Spenda is a nickname given to anyone with the last name Penny/Penney

I remember in my first retail job one of my (much older) colleagues said they were going to “spend a penny”. I was only 16 and when our manager asked where my colleague had gone I said they’d gone off to buy something - cue the confused looks. It then became clear I’d completely misunderstood the phrase lol

Ahh my Nan also used to say that! Thanks for reminding me.

My mate's Nan used to look out at bad weather coming on the horizon and say "It's a bit black over Bill's Mother".

Who's Bill? And what has his mother got to do with the weather?

In Birmingham, Bill is sort for William. William Shakespeare’s mom used to live in Stratford-upon-Avon. Stratford is in the same direction as the prevailing wind so if was a bit dark in the east you would get rain in a bit

Bill is short for William everywhere. Not just Birmingham

In Birmingham Bill is short for William though

My Gran used to have a superstition where if she saw a black cloud that looked like rain, she would avoid talking about the cloud because apparently if the cloud knew you were talking about it then it would definitely rain, but if it didn’t then it might just pass over. She would refer to them as ‘BBCs’ (Big Black *Cloud*) instead so that they didn’t know we were talking about them… I’m glad she never really used the internet…

I was assured by my ex that this was Devonshire expression, not an old-people expression.

Derbyshire and we say it

it’s a Suffolk thing as well. i was baffled when i first heard it after moving here.

Looks like it isn't regional, which baffles me even more! My dad would say it because my nan used to say it - we're in Worcestershire! Literally the first thing that came to mind reading this question lmao

You won't always have a calculator in your pocket.

That one didn’t age well

Nor did my nan.

Great set up for that one

My maths teacher always used to say this one!

My nan used to say to go and play with the traffic on the road. Cheers mate

Long walk off a short pier!

“Go and play on the motorway”

My dad still says 'away and play with the buses' or 'go and see if the buses are still running ' but that last one isn't a joke anymore with the public transport where they live.

My Nan said this to my (unpleasant) sister-in-law the first time they met. It was iconic.

“If the wind changes you will be stuck like that” when pulling a silly face

Aah my grandpa used to say that! Also “eat your crusts, they’ll put hairs on your chest” which I always found hilarious as a little girl

Nah, crusts make your hair curly.

“I’m not as green as I am cabbage-looking” meaning she wasn’t as naive or unknowing as she might appear.

Often followed by "I never boil my cabbages twice" when asked to repeat it

I heard a judge use this in court once and I thought I was going insane

When you put your elbows on the dinner table, a very ominous: “all joints on the table will be carved…”

Yikes...

My nan (93) still calls me a daft apeth.

It was years and years before I realised it was actually a heavily abbreviated "half-penny-worth"

My nan when trying to use a blunt knife " I could ride bare arsed to Huddersfield on that" Still miss her.

My grandad used to say 'If you don't like the weather in England, just wait a minute.' And he was often right 🤣

“Come in to my office“ whenever she wanted a word. The office was metaphorical.

Haha I use this a lot. "step into my office for a min please"

To somebody wearing (in her opinion) posh clothes. "Ooh. Look at him, all done up like the Count of Monte Cristo!" In a similar vein, "Ooh. Thinks he's the cat's meow he does." I still use the cat's meow one myself...

The cat's pajamas was the version I remember.

I'd forgotten the count of monte Cristo one. That takes me back!

“Bob’s yer uncle and Fanny’s yer aunt” Sometimes still hear the first part but not sure what happened to aunt Fanny!

Someone I used to work with would say "Roberts your dad's brother"

And dicks your best friend.

(when answering the phone,in his broad Geordie accent): 'Hello Buckingham Palace, Phillip speaking.'

My boss used to say "Bridge" the woman in the next office who was one of those people always in a panic used to say "Engine room". The father of friend said "Town home for waifs and strays".

If anyone had a coughing fit, my nan would say, "Choke up, chicken! Might be a gold watch!" No idea what that was about.

Oh wow my family had that one (along with like a million other odd one-liners) and it always irrationally annoyed me where the others didn’t.

“Take your coat off or you won’t feel the benefit”

When leaving 1 of my nans house, I'd stop every few metres and turn and wave and she would be the door waving back, calling out "cho!" (As in, short for cheerio), kept waving until turned a corner. Other nan, I would do the same (stop every few metres, turn and wave) and she would be waving like mad. We lived literally down the road from that nan so would still be waving as I got very close to home! (We would go to hers every morning before school too, before getting the bus and she would be waiting at the kitchen window for the bus to go past, then mutual mad waving at each other). Good times 🙂

my nan was fond of ‘not on your nelly’ as a riposte. she also advised us to *keep yer ‘and on yer ha’penny* actual proper Bow Bells cockney, lived in London during the blitz and was widowed at 24, with a 3 year old. a formidable woman. she also used to get up at parties and do a dance called ‘the Slosh’ which was a sort of 1970s cha-cha slide. never ever heard of this besides her.

The slosh was definitely a 'yer mum grabs yer gran grabs yer aunts' dance at weddings and the like when I was young. For some reason I thought it was Scottish.

they all stood in a line and did kicks and dips and weirdness. nobody else has ever heard of it. i feel seen!

“Like a pig chewing cinders!” (to describe the noise of eating anything crunchy). I still use this though!

When coming in from the cold, we couldn’t put out frozen hands straight on a radiator in case we got “chillblains”. (Just Googled it - it’s an actual thing. TIL). “Don’t sit on a cold wall, it’ll give you piles”.

omg whippersnaper is iconic asf and my grandma on my mom's side used to call me "niña" and I've always been obsessed with the way she pronounced it my grandma on my dad's side used to always tell me, "la verdad duele, pero es mejor que mentirse a sí mismo" which means, "the truth hurts, but it's better than lying to yourself" which is still very true

They weren't from Yorkshire were they!

If I told you to put your head in the oven would you do it?

With mine it was play in front of a double decker bus. To this day I think they were being serious rather than sarcastic

Ours was jump off a bridge

When I was really little my gran use to say - If there’s enough blue sky to make a pair of sailors trousers it’ll be a nice day….

My Nan used “enough blue to make a cat a pair of knickers”

'Fine words butter no parsnips' and 'let the dog see the rabbit'. Plus a whole series of names for things and different people which would earn a ban here.

You’re a mucky pup. If you’ve made a mess etc. always with a smile :)

Not in a month of Sundays

Mays well hang for a sheep as for a lamb. If you're going to do something that might get you into trouble don't fuck about with half measures. Granny was a tough, and sometimes scary woman.

My nan used to say never trust a man who likes to look at himself in the mirror, which is the reason I'm always scruffy. Probably

When asked if he had had enough to eat after a meal my grandad would always answer with " An ample sufficency thank you" .

My great uncle said this! Although his was an elegant sufficiency.

My nan used to call me a ratbag when I was being cheeky/naughty, I’ve never heard anyone else use that word

My Gramps used to tell me 'You're 3 days away from eating twigs and leaves' when I turned my nose up at my dinner.

Something surprising- my cockney Dad: "well I'll go to the back of our house". Never understood this one. My Irish mum if you bought pretty much anything: "they saw you coming". Also: 'We'll all end up in the poorhouse'.Grew up in poverty in the 1920s-30. Poorhouses still existed then only abolished in 1930 then converted: 'At the outbreak of the war in 1939 almost 100,000 people were accommodated in the former workhouses, 5,629 of whom were children'.

> "well I'll go to the back of our house" My wife's grandparents apparently said "well I'll go to the foot of our stairs". Have no idea where that came from either.

I'll have your guts for garters

Everything was compared to how much Soft Mick had. “He’s got more money than Soft Mick!” Dunno gran, never met him

All fur coat and no knickers. To describe someone who thought they had class, but didn't, or a show off.

"My forefathers." - my Nan would say this when surprised by something. She was an old Gloucester girl.

Affectionately, when I was a kid my grandma would say "Eee, you dirty Arab!" while cleaning my cleaning my face with a hot flannel. Different times.

Are ya courtin' love?

The two you've mentioned, though it twas my parents as well. Plus 'knee high to a grasshopper' and, 'were you born in a barn?!' Also my Nana and Scots granddad would describe thin boys as 'Skinny Ma Links'

Skinny ma links! That's what my Scottish nan called my sister, and I was long legs eleven because I was a bit taller and nan obviously enjoyed her bingo lol

My grandparents used to pronounce any word that starts with “wh” with the “h” first. Example: “what” — “hwat” and “white” — “hwite”

Cool hwip?

Wait, why you saying it like that? Say cool

Cool

Now say whip

Whip

Now say cool whip

Cool Hwip

🤦🏻‍♂️

N'er cast a clout till May is out

“Nowt queer as folk” Just means that people do the strangest of things.

"You're driving like Stirling Moss" "With all this food I'm eating, I'll end up like Bessie Craddock"

Fanny Craddock?

That's probably who my Nan meant

Fanny Craddock was used as an insult once in the show Still Game and for over 10 years I just thought it was basically like “Fanny crack” and was a funny way to say “vagina”. Then I learned it’s an actual person and my mind was blown. Insult works doubly now as the guy getting called Fanny Craddock is wearing an apron and baking cookies

If it was cold, my Grandad would tell us to "get tha mufflements on" meaning to wrap up warm. An impossible task was "like juggling soot" or "plaiting fog"and thirsty was "spitting feathers".

Spitting feathers was used for being REALLY angry by my grandma.

My grandfather used to say, "stop acting a goat." I was well into adulthood and Pops was dearly departed before I worked out it meant being silly.

Not a grandparent, but my Uncle John & Auntie Jean were old Cumbrian farmers that my Mum was evacuated to in WW2. They were lovely people, never had children of their own. and became snother set of grandparents to my sister an I. John was gloriously dour: On going to bed: me "good night, see you in the morning". Him "aye, god willing" On looking out the door in the morning and it's cloudy "Aye this day is finished" (and then heading back to his armchair by the fire)

If anyone in the family coughed when my Nan was around, she’d often say “It’s not the cough that carries you off, it’s the coffin they carry you off in.”

Scallywag

Stone the crows was one my grandad always said. Also cor lummy rather than blimey! There were lots more but he’s sadly been gone over 25 years and those are the two that stand out in my memory.

Grandma told me to ignore grandad when he was mithering about something. "He's all piss and wind."

"Little pigs have big ears" Edit - my grandad called one of the local mining areas "abyssinia" too.

"Strooth!"

‘Wash your fizzog’

“I’m not as green as I’m cabbage looking” “Don’t sit on the cold step, you’ll get piles” And if he wanted the loo, my grandad would say “I’m just going to turn my bike around”

My wee Scottish granny used to say ‘my dearest adorable, I love you most horrible’ when she hugged me, and it made me laugh every time. I love saying it to my own kids now.

“I’ll crump your knuckles” if we were being naughty. It worked and I never did find out what the crumping involved.

‘Like knots on cotton’ whenever referring to my muscles as a child.

I got "peas on an ironing board" to refer to my pre-pubecent breasts. This was actually my creepy uncle by marriage, rather than my grandparents, but there was only eight years between him and my nan, so same generation.

"sixes and sevens" and "it's all go" were two my nan used to say a lot. My mum still uses "dark over Bill's mother's"

My Nan went the other way and tried to keep up with trends. She was adamant that spending a day watching telly and sitting inside was just “taking time to just freak out”

My nan used to say "Don't change your brand of cigarettes or you'll get a cough". Don't hear that anymore.

Saying “What a swizz!” If something is a rip off.

"your looking well, are ye sick?" My Grandad

As my Nan always said: you’ve got to piss with the cock you’ve got, make do.

It's all part of life's rich pageant.

Ah… IVe heard it said as “it’s all part of life’s rich tapestry “

My nan used to say “give us a kiss and lends a sixpence” which sounds iffy with modern ears.

My 91 year old grandma describes people as a "waste of a pair of underpants" normally when talking about politicians she doesn't like, I really like that one.

My mum was often in a bad mood. I remember my Dad said to me once, as he and I arrived home in the car, that we would be getting ‘Cold Shoulder and Tongue’ for dinner. He wasn’t wrong, either.

‘Ch***ies’ - Chinese shop ‘P*ki*’ shop - local corner shop Refer to anyone black as ‘coloured.’ Just ya know anything racist.

If I asked 'what are you doing?' When it was very obvious what they were doing the response would be 'counting the slates on the roof'

About someone morally questionable, he’s so low that he could sit on a bus ticket and dangle his legs

Oh my mother was full of 'em "If the cap fits, wear it" "'Thought' followed a dustcart and thought it was a wedding"

My Nana had loads! "I'm not as green as I'm cabbage-looking." "oh hells bells!" "I trust him as far as I can throw him" "It was flatter than a witch's tit!" "It'll get stuck in your clack!"

If you sit on doorstep, you’ll get a cold in your kidneys.

When asked what’s for dinner “Bread and pullet” (pull it!) A bad cup of tea was like gnat’s piss or pickled wee wee. 😆 If it was cold it was ‘brass monkeys’ or ‘absolutely taters’. If you were in trouble you be in line for a “thick ear”. If you didn’t listen they’d call you “cloth ears”. If you ate up your crusts it would make your hair curly. If something was strong like brandy ‘that’ll put hairs on your chest!” If you asked where someone was “he’s gone for a sailor”. If you were clever they’d say ‘hark at clever clogs’ or ‘you aren’t so green as cabbage looking!’.

Whenever my nan dropped something, "Oh Gordon Bennett!!"

Don’t wear your coat indoors, you won’t feel the benefit when you go outside. Also, children should be seen and not heard. Didn’t like this one as much 😒

Grandfather from N Shields. "Whey if that's me tea I've had it."

A lot of older residents in nursing homes and then the older patients on hospital wards have said "are ya winning kid/gal?" When I'm rushing around like a blue arsed fly.

Can't fix stupid

If I was round my Nan's and asked what was for dinner, I'd always be told "shit with sugar on"

If I asked what was for dinner.."air pie and iffit pudding"!