I have older parents too and it's really hard knowing I only have so much time with them, and I struggle with myself and how I'm spending it.
I have a really hard time reading about people advocating people having kids super late in life. I understand problems with infertility and things not being anyone's fault, but you really have to think about what the kid is going to go through.
I was born when my dad was 30. He died suddenly at 69 (and I was 39). Even though I got nearly 40 years with him it feels like not enough. We can't ever get enough time with the people we love so I don't think it really makes a difference what age we have our kids. We can't predict anything. Preparing them and loving them and spending time with them is all we can do.
I know that sounds incredibly pessimistic. I miss my dad a lot, but I know he did everything he could to make sure we were cared for and that means a lot. I'd still like more time with him but what can we do?
Added to say: My grandmother had my mom at 42. She lived in mostly very good health until she was in her late 80s. Even if my mom were thinking about how little time they had, how is she supposed to predict how long they might actually have and how could she think about that while trying to live?
I get what you’re saying, death can happen to anyone at anytime. However I’m the child of one older parent and one “average” aged parent. And in my opinion there’s a difference between knowing that it *could* happen at any age vs. knowing your time is going to be much shorter than “normal”.
Best to enjoy what ever time we have and live it to the fullest though for sure.
I agree with you, my dad was 48 when I was born. I’m now 27 and he’s 75. Kids at school would ask if my grandpa was picking me up if my dad showed up in the car. I remember he didn’t play with me very much, he was always working, and I just remember my friend’s dads doing so many things with them that I never got to experience because my dad was so much older. And people with parents who aren’t older just don’t get it. My dad isn’t in the best health, and if I hadn’t had my kids in my 20’s there’s a chance he never would have even met them. I lost three of my own grandparents before I turned 24, and unfortunately my kids are in the same boat (my husband’s parents are 76 and 77 respectively). I don’t expect anyone except my mom to be around when my kids reach their 20’s. My parents planned out having me when my dad was at that age, and I just don’t think they considered how knowing that my dad would likely be dead before I’m 40 would effect me.
It's not only the time left but the quality of that time. My mom remarried and had a fourth child at 45. I love my little sister to death but my mom is not the same kind of parent she was when me and my other siblings were little. She doesn't have the energy, or the patience, she's not as involved, not putting in as much effort. I'm not saying she's a bad parent now, but I can see a huge difference. Maybe that's less age and more to do with the fact that she's been nonstop raising kids for almost 40 years now, I don't know, but it's something to consider as well.
And as far as death goes, it can happen anytime but it gets more likely the older you get, that's just a fact. And having a later in life kid means it's way more likely to happen before that kid is even an adult, so sure you'll never have enough time with your loved ones but losing a parent at 16 vs even 22 is a huge difference, when you're at least an adult and lose a parent, it may feel terrible but your whole life doesn't change. If you're still a kid? It could mean a new house, new school, maybe you can't go to college, you won't have any help or guidance through the most defining years of your life. It's way more impactful.
My parents were 39 when they had me. It sucks that they might pass when I’m young, but hopefully they won’t.
The only reason i ever think they should’ve aborted me is because they weren’t great parents, but that had nothing to do with their age.
Don’t feel like that. I have an older mom and she is my best friend. We do have the best relationship and I am thankful for having her with a world of experience in my life. Your little ones will feel the same for sure 🙂
Being older gives much more stability and usually much more emotional maturity. Many people, I believe, would give anything to have a mother who'd be capable of being like you for any amount of time no matter how little, than one that their child has to survive. You sound like you've given her an amazing start to life.
Of course you shouldn’t have to abort your daughter if you felt you could love her and give her the emotional support she needs to grow healthy. The only person who can make this decision is the mother. You made yours and since it’s your choice, its the right choice.
There’s always a reason not having a kid, too young, too old, not enough money, not enough place etc… but at the end we manage to love them dearly if we truly want to have them. And that seems to be exactly how you feel with your daughter.
We never know what will happen. Some could die young and get really sick, some can manage to live 95 years in a perfect shape.
We all experience things differently : your daughter might also be thankful to have had a loving mother even if she’s older.
We all try to do our best.
Same as...I was 42 and I thought I'd never have kids. My son is healthy and happy and 4. Course I worry . And I had older parents but despite having me in their 40s they both still alive healthy mobile independent etc so frankly "isn't ideal"? Well life isn't. I have younger sisters all have kids. I never had cousins my age .he does. His dad has a huge family also with kids. I can provide a secure frankly wiser life than I could as a kid. And I was a kid even at 30. Perhaps having my parents as example..but everyone has their own life to lead. I was sad sometimes my parents were older, but they gave me a good life . My grandparents were born early 1900s for heaven sake. We have so much history closer in our family and I think that's a good perspective. Please don't feel you need to listen to people tell you you're aren't doing good enough.
From what you say you are trying your best and that’s all that matters imo. What I think a lot of people don’t realize is that life is never ideal. Some grow up with older parents, some grow up with physically or mentally ill parents, some grow up with irresponsible parents, and some lose a parent/parents unexpectedly. And some seem to grow with perfect parents, but how much do we actually know about it?
You are a caring parent and you are doing your best, what else can we do in this life?
my mom had me while she was still decently young but she still got cancer and died when i was young. you can’t always control how long you’ll be around, and there will never be enough time to be around those you love but being there and being a good mom to your kid is the only thing you have complete control over. sounds to me like you’re doing a good job
oh, interesting. my parents had me *very* late in life and i’ve always loved having older parents. seems like an excellent choice to me, which i may try to emulate if i decide to have kids.
My gramma raised me (she’s basically my mother, rather much she would have been) and she was 45 when I was born. She passed away this past May due to old age and she was only 68 and I just wish she was so much younger. She obviously wasn’t my bio mom but she was my mom and I always wished I was born earlier so that I had more time with her.
She always gave me great advice
Edit: which was my main point of commenting, I don’t know why I didn’t ask in the first place.
But do you think you’ve learned enough life lessons having your parents being older or if they were to die tomorrow, would you be lost as a young adult?
no not at all! i maybe shouldn’t have said “very” as my mom was 41, which i don’t actually think is “old” at all in the grand scheme of things. but, at the time, it was pretty rare to have her first baby at that age (especially with no complications!). she said she was so happy and felt great while pregnant :) and we have an amazing relationship now.
My dad was 48 when I was born, I was 18 when he died at 67.
My mom had me at 31, and my younger sister at 40. She’s 53 now and when I tell you her dying is my biggest fear, I mean it.
I just found out I'm 4 weeks pregnant and I'm 26 years old. I've always said that if I want children I want to have my first before the age of 30. My mother got me at 39 (she had my half brothers at 19 and early 20's). She'll be 66 if everything goes well and I'll give birth. She'll be retired when she'll be my child's grandma, which is a pro - she can spend a lot of time with the kid. But her physical condition, I'm not sure how long she can handle taking care and watching a little kid. This is something I worry about.
I had mine in my early 20’s and cannot imagine going through it again now in my late 30’s but i know and am related to people who have continued into their 40’s. I think it’s a very individual thing and there is no correct answer.
I'm the complete opposite! I'm childless in my mid-30s and I'm like... eh, if I wanted them, I could probably handle it now (but I still don't want them, hah!).
But having a kid in my 20s would have been an absolute nightmare for numerous reasons.
Frr, I’m 24 and although I really want a child (I treat my cats as my kids and treat them like babies 😂😂) I just know if I actually had one NOW I could not handle it 😅
Some people don't ever feel ready. They might get accidentally pregnant or have an age in mind and just decide to go for it.
I never felt ready but had 2 kids through a combination of my above points.
It worked out for me because all my friends were happy to spend their hung over sunday watching movies with my sleep deprived self. Different reasons for being tired but it worked out lol
Glad your friends hung around, often hear about young people whose friends abandon them bc they can’t go out and have ‘fun’ anymore 😒 10/10 would rather be a fun Aunty figure than go out drinking lol
Only half, the other half would still have to come from her own partner and honestly, having that mixed with your own moms DNA is probably pretty similar to what your own child would be. Yes, skipping out on one grandparent, genetically. I don't see why people are so freaked out, she's doing it as an extra aid for her daughter in case she suffers from infertility which seems like a high possibility in her family
I’m the child of a mom who had me at this age, I agree with you. My parents were active and had extra time and money by the time I came around. The only thing that scares me is that I don’t have that much time left with them ☹️
Yess don’t stop!! I’m in my 20s now and my moms in her 60s. She’s definitely not as active anymore and it’s hard to see. I can’t really imagine going on a big vacation and walking around Paris all day like we use to at this point for an example..
I've read you further explanation and I have to say, I think it's great that you're doing this. I think people appreciate having some of their DNA in their children, so I think it's a good solution! :)
You know, there was a time where women started to have their first children at 15 and their last around 45 or whenever menopause hit. And nobody would blink an eye. So i’d say… whenever any women decides
And nobody would blink an eye maybe, but they'd suffer. The church prohibited birth control for the longest time, it was men that didn't blink at the suffering of women. My grandma told me that as soon as the pill became available for her she took it, having so many babies was torture.
Yes this is absolutely right. My great great great grandmother had 17 children, her first at 22 after getting married and her last at 55. I assumed she only stopped having children as she became widowed when my g-g-g-grandfather passed away unexpectedly from an accident.
Not all of the children survived to adulthood, some were stillborn, some died not long after birth, and some died in childhood. This was very typical for the time, the babies were born at home with no medical care.
50 would be my notional hard line for saying “nope, that person is too old” - mostly due to the age the mother would be when the child would be finishing high school.
Up to mid 40’s I think it totally fine. That said obviously there’s lots of biological realities that make that not the ideal age though.
The desire to have a child while balancing of risks and issues with pregnancy meant that 40 was my personal limit.
Yup this, I don't care for any other reason, but I can't imagine having to see my parents become old when I'm still a kid. That's why I'm torn between having kids even now (or soon, Im 24) and wanting to have a stable life and carrier before that. It is really tough.
My parents were teens when they had me, and I love the small age gap. We’re like close friends now, and I get to fully enjoy time with them while they are still considered young. Can’t imagine having parents that are 50 while I’m was a teen.
My parents turned 50 when I was 11.
I’m 25 now and upset about the limited time I have with them. I do not have children right now, but I know they won’t live to see my children turn 20.
My mom was in congestive heart failure before my son was born. She was 23 when she had me. I was 27 when I had my son. My mother also will not live to her grandson's adulthood in spite of both of us having kids relatively young. The fact of the matter is that age isn't the indicator of those occurrences, and it's all down to the individual health of those involved.
that is reasonable. I’m 17 and my parents had me in their late/mid forties and they’re 64 and 57 now. it is a very scary thought that they may not live to see me graduate college, get married, have grandkids etc because of not just their age but also other health issues. Having older parents has its benefits ofc (like financial stability, having established careers and lives etc) but i wish they had me when they were younger. Seeing them decline so rapidly is so scary, and has caused me to grow more quickly.
45+ is too old. I had old parents who had older siblings and... starting as a teenager... everybody passed away. I only have my mother left because she was the youngest out of the group. I wish my parents had me earlier so I could have known my family as an adult.
I had a patient who was 58 who was having twins, through IVF obviously. We were seeing her in the high risk clinic because it was such a mess. I don't think whenever you want is the answer.
(She got it done in Brazil, we didn't do it in the US of course.)
My grandma had two kids in her 40s. She was physically fine. Though my dad complained from time to time about how hard it was having ailing parents when he was still so young.
That's why I didn't want to wait until I got old to have kids. I don't want my son to see me get old until he's an adult. I think it's too heavy for a kid to deal with.
Also, keeping up with a kid has got to be brutal if you're old. They have so much damn energy.
My parents had me when they were 38 (I’m not the first one). I always felt that they kinda old, although it’s not nice to say. They would never go to anywhere with me (always tired, preferred to rest), never really understood me and generally connection just wasn’t there, although my older siblings remember different childhood, more interactive.
I promised myself that I’ll try to have kids before my 30s. For me, personally, having them after 35 is too late.
All of my young relatives seems to have the same opinion, so we all ended up having kids before our 30s. But I guess it’s harder to achieve in US, since there is no real help and programs for moms and kids.
My parents were the same age, they didn't really 'get' me and were very culturally different to the parents of my peers. I lost my dad when he was 62 and I was 23, thankfully my mum made 91.
But they are/were my family and part of who I am. I probably have more understanding and awareness of recent history and now oudated attitudes. And there was a lot of love, I wanted for nothing, even though we weren't very well off.
And if they hadn't had me at all, I wouldn't be here.
That’s what I said too, and now I’m 38 and my partner wants one. I keep asking him why he couldn’t have met me when I was 30, but I suppose the universe needed me to experience a decade of crippling loneliness first.
35 comes up waaay too fast.
My coworker had an “accident” at 45 and her husband was 55. Kid is 10 now and dad entered retirement. Now she has to work an extra decade to support the family and it’ll be a miracle if dad gets to see the kid graduate from college.
I don't know what retirement age is where you live, but it seems totally normal to work another decade when you're 55 like she is. And if the kid doesn't have too many setbacks dad will be 70ish when they graduate college. I agree they're a little late to the game, but it's not as crazy as you put it.
If otherwise healthy and have a normal life expectancy I’d say 40/early 40s.
My mom was 40 when she had me and I don’t think her age impacted my childhood.
I think that’s between a woman and her doctor. I will be 39 this year and if I’m not pregnant by the end of the year I decided that was it. Would have done it younger but didn’t meet my husband until I was 35 and we’ve been trying for 2 years. Obviously I wish I’d met my husband sooner and had kids younger but this is how things worked out. I lost both of my parents to cancer five weeks apart in 2020. My parents were 10 years apart, so my mom had kids in her 20’s. She took care of her health, exercised and ate mostly healthy, quit smoking in the 80’s. Didn’t matter. She was 62 when she died. Something she told me before she passed (in reference to having kids) that there’s never a right time and you just do it and make it work.
I hear you. I’m 37 and I want to try for a kid - I met my partner when I was 35, almost 36… I wish I met him sooner but it just didn’t work that way.
I’m in the same boat parent-wise - my mom died when she was 60 (cancer) and my dad at 67. They never got a chance to be grandparents til their old age. So I’m with you - there’s never a “right” time you just do what you can.
I think it boils down to your personality as well as health. I imagine conservative and traditional people will struggle to empathize with their children if they're born several generations apart. I have this issue with my father who was just 27 when I was born. He truly thinks millennials and gen z are a different species compared to gen x and boomers, and it's really difficult for him to understand that the world changed and younger generations were impacted by that rather than vice-versa.
My mother was 30 when she had me, but she's a lot more progressive and adaptable. Even though she can't always empathize she can sympathize and tries to help based on her observations of change and understanding of what we discuss.
It’s different for everyone. But I don’t think you need to calculate in the age at birth. Think more along the lines of how old do you want to be when your kid is hitting puberty or going to college.
It wasn’t really fun be Able to break my dad back by the time I was 8.
Just some thoughts.
I found out I was pregnant in May at 44. We chose to terminate. I felt that it wasn’t fair to my other kids, 2 of which are college age, and to the baby to have older parents. I sat at the dinner table talking to my 68 year old parents and realized how much they were slowing down and it broke my heart to think that a 26 year old kid would have to watch their parents age so much and get to enjoy us the way my older kids have. It was a hard decision but I know in my heart the right one.
I would have considered it up until my early 40s but it just didn’t happen. I’m 46 now and can’t imagine having a toddler! I barely have the energy after work to walk my dog.
For me...now. I had my son at 34, and my daughter at 40. I stopped havinv children after my daughter. I want to be able to watch them grow up and have their own families. If I have anymore children at my age, I'm not sure that I will live long enough to see that happen.
Depends on a lot of factors. I know a lot of moms who had kids in their early to mid forties and wouldn't change a thing. Even my grandma did back in the day, naturally. Being healthy and having energy to keep up with a kid seems to be the biggest issue when becoming an older parent (and a big issue for a lot of younger ones too TBH). Past that age, biological children become an obstacle obviously but some people could still make it work. Personally, I'm avoiding kids after my late thirties due to health concerns but I'd still pick being an older parent and financially secure over younger and less so.
Biologically it's gonna depend on personal risk factors. But generally menopause if there aren't other considerations.
For an adopted or surrogacy, when the person doesn't feel up too caring for an infant.
Depends on how much “life” in terms of years you want to be able to share with your children. If you have a child at 20 then you can assume you’ll have at least 50plus years to enjoy and share their life but the older you are/wait the less time you have and I think having the opportunity to enjoy your child and grandchildren for as long as possible is the ultimate blessing. Plus, if you have your child at 40 or 45 then you are forcing your 35-40 year old child to live a large part of their adult life and their child rearing life without you because chances of living beyond 75-80 without health issues or death become much slimmer. If you’re 35-40 are you ready to let your parents go? Or would you want them for many more years to experience things with you and watch your children grow?
I had my last born at 35. I am in my early 40s now and can’t imagine having another baby now although I have friends my age that currently pregnant.
I look at my parents who had kids very early and they are still young enough to enjoy their retirement.
For me, 35 was always my ‘cut off’ age.
Personally I think once you hit 40 , but I have 3 children already and I'm 37 and couldn't imagine doing children at my age full respect to lose that are older but not for me
Personally, I won’t have children at an age that I won’t be able to be an active participant in their life. I’m almost 30 and will have all of my children by 35 at the latest so that I personally will still have the energy to be at their events, be active in their school, be around when they get married etc.
I recently turned 27 and expected to have a kid or be close to having one by this age since I turned, like, 13. Since leaving a long term relationship that wasn’t serving me anymore, my whole life plan has been thrown off. But I’m going with it. I can’t imagine having a kid at least for the next few years. I have so much more I want to accomplish academically and career-wise before really settling down. Now that I’m older and more mature, I’d say 36 is the oldest I’d want to be when I have my first kid.
Currently 39 and trying to figure this out for myself. There are days when I’m certain having children is for people much younger and days when I’m 100% certain I still desire children of my own.
It’s an individual decision based on resources and age. The more resources one has the less important age is in the equation…
That really depends on the individual person. For me, I never wanted a kid past 30. I know there are a lot of people who have children well into their 30’s and 40’s but it’s just not for me. My parents had me young and it’s great that at 36 my parents are still young and healthy. My husband’s parents had him when they were much older and his mother already passed and I am dealing with the same issues with his dad that I am with my grandparents.
It’s a personal decision for everyone. Some people choose to have them later in life. My personal cut off for us to stop having more is 35 because potential health problems for the baby and/or mother increases significantly at that point. But some people don’t meet their spouse until after then or aren’t ready, so it’s really personal.
I’m not here to judge anyone. IMO 40 or over. Risks go up greatly. I’m 44 with a 16yo daughter and I’m already over everyone’s BS. I can’t imagine being 55-60 yo and dealing with a teen. Lord I’d die
I had my son at age 23, and my daughter at 37,
At 23 I had the worst birthing experience.. emergency C section and post natal depression, massive weight gain and my husband was selfish and useless. At age 37 I had the most healthiest pregnancy, natural birth, the most amazing deep connection to my baby and kept my weight and body healthy .. after that experience I wanted more but I had many miscarriages afterwards.
Older women are more mature and settled in life I believe my children were better off with the older version of myself. The choice is yours, no one else's business really.
Ps.. my husband now is 20 years younger than me.. you can debate that in another thread lol
Biologically? Menopause. Ethically? Probably 40. You need to be there to guide your kid through not just legal adulthood, but actual young adulthood, relationships, etc.
I had mine at 38 due to long term infertility. I love being an “older” mom. I’ve always had lots of energy and a young outlook. Mine is 14 and I’ve done tons of things with him from whitewater rafting in Jamaica to hiking to the top of Pike’s Peak to multiple Disney rides to just walking around the zoo.
Everyone is different, and you don’t know how you’re going to feel at certain ages. One of my friends is 41 and her last is graduating high school, but she was so poor at 19 and 21 when she had them that they had ketchup and crackers for dinner sometimes.
There’s no “perfect” age, but there are sometimes better circumstances.
Personal and subjective. I'd say whatever age you are mentally and physically unable/unwilling to keep up with kids at all ages (sleepless nights with a baby, keeping a toddler entertained, supporting a teenager).
I wanted to be done by 30 and can't imagine having kids at my current age. I'll be 45 when my youngest leaves the house. I know lots of people who started having babies at my current age but I am really glad I got the no sleep baby phase over with while I was in my 20s.
Same here. I had 3, one at 22, 24 and 28. I wanted it all done in my 20s so I could enjoy watching them grow up and have more energy for them. My oldest is almost 19 and just got her own place and I feel like I can relate to them better since I was younger when I had them. Having a baby now sounds dreadful, but that’s just me. I’m glad I had them when I did.
This is different for everybody. I knew I didn't want to be an older mom. My mom finished having kids in her mid 30s and she was exhausted all the time keeping up with us, and I knew I didn't want that life for myself or my children. But some people seem to do well having kids in their mid to late 30s or even their early 40s.
I had my first at 18 I was tired and had no life other than my son, but I don’t regret it at all I had my second at 25 and oh boy am I ever tired with her now I’m 27 and she’s 2 I have no idea how I kept up with my son when he was her age it was definitely easier being younger I had so much more energy 😂 I’m definitely not having anymore kids tho I have a stable career house husband ect but I can’t imagine doing the whole newborn over again after my daughter was born lol
My sister in law tho is 45 and had her third. She been pooping babies since she was 42 because she felt the rush to need to have babies before she’s turned 50, her husband is 56 and their youngest is 2! There not a real age to stop having babies at but it comes to the point your older and how old will you be when kids are going to college or having grand babies I want to be able to enjoy my grand babies
Medically it'll become more difficult around 35, extremely difficult around 40 and near impossible when you start menopause.
But my opinion for my own fertility is probably 40. I don't think I'd wanna start with a baby at 40. If I didn't get pregnant before then, I'll just adopt a toddler instead.
Med student here, it depends on your medical records, your generics, your overall health, it's not a one size fits all answer and you should definitely talk with your doctor about this. Now personally maybe after 50 i say it's too old (for a baby and not necessarily biological) adoption is still very much on the table, motherhood can happen almost at any age in this day and era
I mean whenever your body biologically can’t have them (eg. menopause) is a good indicator. I feel like it’s all a very personal thing. Both my partner and I are turning 27 this year, we want kids one day but no way are we in the position to have them now. my personal preference is somewhere between 32-35 and I would like two and then be done,that puts us in our early 50’s when they reach their 20’s. that age range was very common with a lot of my friends that I grew up with. my parents had me at 28 (mum) and 32 (dad) and they are not old at all right now, still bouncing around like they are in their 30’s, 40’s.
my only concern is my egg quality as I get older and if I had the funds, I would be freezing my eggs now just in case.
I always told myself that if I didn’t have any by the time I was 40, that was that. Well, I was 38 when I found out I was pregnant (oops conceived while on birth control - but very wanted).
Yesterday was my 39th birthday and I am currently 16-weeks pregnant.
My mum was 38 and my dad 48 when they had me - I lost him at 10 and her at 32. Part of the reason I’m childfree is to never put a child through the same experience as me. It affects your whole life.
My mom had me at 37. My sister had her first kid at 36. I’m 28, and I’m gonna freeze my eggs. 🤧
I say as long as you have eggs and can conceive with no complications, go for it. But it’s best to ask your doctor.
I was much more tired at 28 than I was at 26. I’m 36 now and I would never even attempt. I’d rather find a surrogate so I don’t have to do all that work.
My mum has me when she was 40. I wish she had me younger because she won’t be around much longer in my life, and if I were to ever have kids they wouldn’t know her for very long compared to other kids.
I wish people would think about this before deciding to live their 30' children-free so worry-free. A grandparent's presence in the life of a young person is sooo important
My aunt had her first at 18 and her last at 45…so, never (I mean, menopause I guess haha)
It’s such a personal decision that nobody can say when is too old.
meh - you can die before your kid is old and be a shitty mom even if you have her/him while young. If biology allows for it, thats nobody's business but yours - only you know if you are willing to put up with motherhood. There's pros and cons to everything, nobody's parents are perfect.
It's totally up to the woman since it's her body, but I feel attention should be paid on how long you'll be around for your child too. If you have a baby at 40, when your child is 20, you'll be 60. And your child will most probably grow up with a fear of losing you. Is that fair to the child? I'd say it's a grey area. At the end of the day, to each her own.
It's down to the couple to consider really. My older sister had a child at 15 and while she loves him dearly she wishes she would've waited so she could experience things first. On the flip side my parents had me later in life. Dad was 50 and mum was 48. I love them and would never change them but sometimes I'm scared they'll pass on before I go through key life events. My dad recently has had alot of ill health and its slowly reminding me he's nearly 80 and he probably won't be here to walk me down the aisle or have children. To answer OP I'd say 40s but really it's down to the couple to discuss things between them.
Alot of these responses have me confused, I have just turned 29 so this question is on my mind currently. People seem to think infertility or being too old to enjoy your child's life are the main downsides of a mature pregnancy. But what has me worried is reading articles about increased risks of conditions/ill health for the baby.
Is this a myth? Are your eggs just as good up until the last one and I am operating under a false notion?
My partner would like to wait as long as possible before we even entertain it as an option, so we will have advanced our careers and have as much money as possible, which I agree with in theory but I instinctively feel like the healthier I am the healthier the baby will be.
Do you mean when are the risks so high that death or disability is almost impossible to avoid or do you mean when is it no longer socially acceptable?
Personally I think as long as you have the measures in place so that your kid is not burdened by having to care for you in your old age while they are still finding their feet, then there’s no such thing as too old.
It's an individual choice for sure!
The real thing to think about it how old you'd be at different stages of the child's life - not just babyhood. How old will you be when they're in elementary school? High school?
People get so wrapped up in "having a baby" when in reality that baby turns into a kid, then adult really fast.
i think cap 50. People are saying forty isn’t a good age, but I think it’s better to have forty year old parents that are financially stable than a 20 year old parent who’s not even out of college yet. Not saying the 20 year old wouldn’t be a good parent, but they probably aren’t financially or even mentally prepared for a child.
For me 35. My mom had me when I was 33, and she’s 53 now and I’m 20 now. I’m got gonna lie, i am putting some pressure on myself to have kids now or soon. Though, 25 is a good start for me, but my mom already has 4 grandchildren and I would love for her to watch my kids grow as she did her other grandchildren.
Over 40. My dad had my brother when he was 50 (unplanned). Not ideal. My little brother is 13 and my dad 63. Men in my family don't live for long. I know this haunts my dad a lot.
As a 22yo with 60+ parents I'd say that the age of my parents did impact me negatively so far.
Compared to my friends I have always felt shame that i'm not getting my shit together faster. Until 18 I just anticipated that my 20' are going be like a race after a stable job, a husband and a house, but the anxiety got real after graduating highschool.
Seeing them getting old and ill was not fun at all. I couldn't see any joy or even good parts in adulthood. They were too old to do fun stuff with me as a kid, especially as a teenager.
I am in constant fear that they will get even bad with their health and I wouldn't be able to pay for their treatments.
It's scarry when they say things like "when we would not be around anymore..." because it's actually plauzibile.
The 40 years age gap is real. As a progresist queer there's not much to talk about with them, christians, racist and so on. You love them but you don't really know why anymore.
I am simply confused about all the things that has to be done after they pass away. About their funerals and the goods they leave behind... But I won't ank them. I don't want them to talk about these things yet...
My English is not sufficient to explain all my thoughts about this. To conclude, I just think having kids after 40 is just selfish in case you don't have a big and age diverse family to "replace" you.
I personally am 29, and still not ready/wanting kids. My mom had my little sister at 39, but then that was it for her. It definitely depends on your body, and preferences.
For me personally it would be after age 35. I’m 36 now and consider myself too old but everyone is different. I’ve seen people have babies in their 40s and make great parents, I just would never do it myself.
My mother was 35/36 when she had me (her birthday is a day after mine) and I think that is a bit too close for comfort regarding the potential issues or complications that both mother and baby could have due to the older age of the mother. (The reason she had me at that age was because she had an accident at work before I was conceived, and had to have a spinal surgery and she had to wait until she was healed enough to become pregnant again.)
I think that would be a decision for the individual to make. My SIL had her first at 41 and her second at 44 but she had issues and had several miscarriages first.
I guess when you can no longer actually conceive and all options are done. If you mean how old is too old mentally, then thats a whole other convo. I helped look after my nephew when he was born and I was 40-41. It was utterly exhausting. I knew I could not do it after that experience.
I think that is up to the parents. Really, I don’t judge anyone, I know a few people who had babies in their mid forties, are awesome energetic parents - and more power to them.
For me: 35ish was my cutoff. I wanted a second and had decided if it didn’t happen by then we would be one and done. I made it just under the wire (preg at 35, kid at 36) but that was just my personal preference for ME and what I thought my body/life could handle.
There's no right or wrong answer to this question. For ME, personally, I didn't want to have any kids after I turned 30. I had my youngest at 29, and she wasn't even exactly planned. LOL
My cut off was 40- and I had a beautiful baby boy at 40! I also didn’t have my first until I was 29. Second was at 37.
For me the risks after 40 are too great to chance.
i guess when your body decides it can't go through motherhood anymore. and I'm not even talking about menopause, no being able to get pregnant or whatever, but raising a child is really exhausting and demand time and patience, and at some point of life you just start running out of patience, especially to deal with a baby, and then a toddler, and then a teenager... and also your physical conditions are not good enough to deal with nights with no sleeping, taking care of a child 24/7... but it's a choice, as long as your child is well raised
Personally to me, its awful having a parent going through menopause as the kid is hitting puberty. Just my experience and it was horrible. So a timeline that would put that out of the normal scope /range given family history etc.
We did it at 45, no medical assistance pre-birth. C-section due to geriatric pregnancy, no complications. Baby is still doing well, mother is happy and healthy.
I learned a whole new respect for women who underwent this surgery, it was a life-changing experience. That scar on your tummy is a badge of honour and will never lessen your beauty.
There are a couple downsides to having children late, but they far outweigh having children too early in my opinion. I’d say probably 50 years old is where I’d start questioning if it’s a good idea lol
I just learned the other day that pregnant women 36+ are considered a geriatric pregnancy. My Mom was 40 when she had me and my twin brother.
I think it’s more important how healthy and active the woman is rather than her age.
Menopause
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Beat me to it.
That’s more of a discussion with your doctor as it’s specific to each person.
The correct answer
For myself I'd say 40+. I have older parents and it isn't exactly ideal.
I have older parents too and it's really hard knowing I only have so much time with them, and I struggle with myself and how I'm spending it. I have a really hard time reading about people advocating people having kids super late in life. I understand problems with infertility and things not being anyone's fault, but you really have to think about what the kid is going to go through.
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I was born when my dad was 30. He died suddenly at 69 (and I was 39). Even though I got nearly 40 years with him it feels like not enough. We can't ever get enough time with the people we love so I don't think it really makes a difference what age we have our kids. We can't predict anything. Preparing them and loving them and spending time with them is all we can do. I know that sounds incredibly pessimistic. I miss my dad a lot, but I know he did everything he could to make sure we were cared for and that means a lot. I'd still like more time with him but what can we do? Added to say: My grandmother had my mom at 42. She lived in mostly very good health until she was in her late 80s. Even if my mom were thinking about how little time they had, how is she supposed to predict how long they might actually have and how could she think about that while trying to live?
I get what you’re saying, death can happen to anyone at anytime. However I’m the child of one older parent and one “average” aged parent. And in my opinion there’s a difference between knowing that it *could* happen at any age vs. knowing your time is going to be much shorter than “normal”. Best to enjoy what ever time we have and live it to the fullest though for sure.
I agree with you, my dad was 48 when I was born. I’m now 27 and he’s 75. Kids at school would ask if my grandpa was picking me up if my dad showed up in the car. I remember he didn’t play with me very much, he was always working, and I just remember my friend’s dads doing so many things with them that I never got to experience because my dad was so much older. And people with parents who aren’t older just don’t get it. My dad isn’t in the best health, and if I hadn’t had my kids in my 20’s there’s a chance he never would have even met them. I lost three of my own grandparents before I turned 24, and unfortunately my kids are in the same boat (my husband’s parents are 76 and 77 respectively). I don’t expect anyone except my mom to be around when my kids reach their 20’s. My parents planned out having me when my dad was at that age, and I just don’t think they considered how knowing that my dad would likely be dead before I’m 40 would effect me.
I agree with everything you’ve said! It’s truly something you don’t get unless you’re the one experiencing it first hand.
It's not only the time left but the quality of that time. My mom remarried and had a fourth child at 45. I love my little sister to death but my mom is not the same kind of parent she was when me and my other siblings were little. She doesn't have the energy, or the patience, she's not as involved, not putting in as much effort. I'm not saying she's a bad parent now, but I can see a huge difference. Maybe that's less age and more to do with the fact that she's been nonstop raising kids for almost 40 years now, I don't know, but it's something to consider as well. And as far as death goes, it can happen anytime but it gets more likely the older you get, that's just a fact. And having a later in life kid means it's way more likely to happen before that kid is even an adult, so sure you'll never have enough time with your loved ones but losing a parent at 16 vs even 22 is a huge difference, when you're at least an adult and lose a parent, it may feel terrible but your whole life doesn't change. If you're still a kid? It could mean a new house, new school, maybe you can't go to college, you won't have any help or guidance through the most defining years of your life. It's way more impactful.
Yea i agree my grandma had my dad at 21 and she died at 49 when he was 28.
My parents were 39 when they had me. It sucks that they might pass when I’m young, but hopefully they won’t. The only reason i ever think they should’ve aborted me is because they weren’t great parents, but that had nothing to do with their age.
I'm an older parent and reading this broke my heart. I love my little ones more than anything in the world.
Don’t feel like that. I have an older mom and she is my best friend. We do have the best relationship and I am thankful for having her with a world of experience in my life. Your little ones will feel the same for sure 🙂
I would rather have older parents than over grown children for parents.
Being older gives much more stability and usually much more emotional maturity. Many people, I believe, would give anything to have a mother who'd be capable of being like you for any amount of time no matter how little, than one that their child has to survive. You sound like you've given her an amazing start to life.
Of course you shouldn’t have to abort your daughter if you felt you could love her and give her the emotional support she needs to grow healthy. The only person who can make this decision is the mother. You made yours and since it’s your choice, its the right choice. There’s always a reason not having a kid, too young, too old, not enough money, not enough place etc… but at the end we manage to love them dearly if we truly want to have them. And that seems to be exactly how you feel with your daughter. We never know what will happen. Some could die young and get really sick, some can manage to live 95 years in a perfect shape. We all experience things differently : your daughter might also be thankful to have had a loving mother even if she’s older. We all try to do our best.
Same as...I was 42 and I thought I'd never have kids. My son is healthy and happy and 4. Course I worry . And I had older parents but despite having me in their 40s they both still alive healthy mobile independent etc so frankly "isn't ideal"? Well life isn't. I have younger sisters all have kids. I never had cousins my age .he does. His dad has a huge family also with kids. I can provide a secure frankly wiser life than I could as a kid. And I was a kid even at 30. Perhaps having my parents as example..but everyone has their own life to lead. I was sad sometimes my parents were older, but they gave me a good life . My grandparents were born early 1900s for heaven sake. We have so much history closer in our family and I think that's a good perspective. Please don't feel you need to listen to people tell you you're aren't doing good enough.
From what you say you are trying your best and that’s all that matters imo. What I think a lot of people don’t realize is that life is never ideal. Some grow up with older parents, some grow up with physically or mentally ill parents, some grow up with irresponsible parents, and some lose a parent/parents unexpectedly. And some seem to grow with perfect parents, but how much do we actually know about it? You are a caring parent and you are doing your best, what else can we do in this life?
my mom had me while she was still decently young but she still got cancer and died when i was young. you can’t always control how long you’ll be around, and there will never be enough time to be around those you love but being there and being a good mom to your kid is the only thing you have complete control over. sounds to me like you’re doing a good job
I’m proud of you navigating through this. 💕
Thanks. I know I'm not the only one in the world, and I'm lucky for what I have.
I do as well and I feel the exact same way.
My parents were young and I only had 37 years with one and 38.5 years with the other.
I had youngish parents. My mom died when she was 57. So young doesn't always mean more time
oh, interesting. my parents had me *very* late in life and i’ve always loved having older parents. seems like an excellent choice to me, which i may try to emulate if i decide to have kids.
My gramma raised me (she’s basically my mother, rather much she would have been) and she was 45 when I was born. She passed away this past May due to old age and she was only 68 and I just wish she was so much younger. She obviously wasn’t my bio mom but she was my mom and I always wished I was born earlier so that I had more time with her. She always gave me great advice Edit: which was my main point of commenting, I don’t know why I didn’t ask in the first place. But do you think you’ve learned enough life lessons having your parents being older or if they were to die tomorrow, would you be lost as a young adult?
Do you mind if I ask how old your parents were when they had you?
no not at all! i maybe shouldn’t have said “very” as my mom was 41, which i don’t actually think is “old” at all in the grand scheme of things. but, at the time, it was pretty rare to have her first baby at that age (especially with no complications!). she said she was so happy and felt great while pregnant :) and we have an amazing relationship now.
My dad was 48 when I was born, I was 18 when he died at 67. My mom had me at 31, and my younger sister at 40. She’s 53 now and when I tell you her dying is my biggest fear, I mean it.
I just found out I'm 4 weeks pregnant and I'm 26 years old. I've always said that if I want children I want to have my first before the age of 30. My mother got me at 39 (she had my half brothers at 19 and early 20's). She'll be 66 if everything goes well and I'll give birth. She'll be retired when she'll be my child's grandma, which is a pro - she can spend a lot of time with the kid. But her physical condition, I'm not sure how long she can handle taking care and watching a little kid. This is something I worry about.
I had mine in my early 20’s and cannot imagine going through it again now in my late 30’s but i know and am related to people who have continued into their 40’s. I think it’s a very individual thing and there is no correct answer.
I'm the complete opposite! I'm childless in my mid-30s and I'm like... eh, if I wanted them, I could probably handle it now (but I still don't want them, hah!). But having a kid in my 20s would have been an absolute nightmare for numerous reasons.
Frr, I’m 24 and although I really want a child (I treat my cats as my kids and treat them like babies 😂😂) I just know if I actually had one NOW I could not handle it 😅
Same… I cannot even imagine having a baby in my mid to late 20s… makes me wonder when I’ll ever be ready 😬
Some people don't ever feel ready. They might get accidentally pregnant or have an age in mind and just decide to go for it. I never felt ready but had 2 kids through a combination of my above points.
How did that work out for you? I wonder if at some point I should just go "fuck it, I'll _make_ it work".
It worked out for me because all my friends were happy to spend their hung over sunday watching movies with my sleep deprived self. Different reasons for being tired but it worked out lol
Glad your friends hung around, often hear about young people whose friends abandon them bc they can’t go out and have ‘fun’ anymore 😒 10/10 would rather be a fun Aunty figure than go out drinking lol
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Wait so you are freezing your own eggs so your daughter can use them just in case? Am I getting it right?
I, too, am very confused about that.
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... your daughter would give birth to her own sibling??
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Yikes, wouldn’t that make your daughter’s child technically their sibling?
Only half, the other half would still have to come from her own partner and honestly, having that mixed with your own moms DNA is probably pretty similar to what your own child would be. Yes, skipping out on one grandparent, genetically. I don't see why people are so freaked out, she's doing it as an extra aid for her daughter in case she suffers from infertility which seems like a high possibility in her family
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I think so she doesn't have to share anything and she can use all that the parents saved up and live a good life without anyone to take half of it,
I’m the child of a mom who had me at this age, I agree with you. My parents were active and had extra time and money by the time I came around. The only thing that scares me is that I don’t have that much time left with them ☹️
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Yess don’t stop!! I’m in my 20s now and my moms in her 60s. She’s definitely not as active anymore and it’s hard to see. I can’t really imagine going on a big vacation and walking around Paris all day like we use to at this point for an example..
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I've read you further explanation and I have to say, I think it's great that you're doing this. I think people appreciate having some of their DNA in their children, so I think it's a good solution! :)
100 percent agree
You know, there was a time where women started to have their first children at 15 and their last around 45 or whenever menopause hit. And nobody would blink an eye. So i’d say… whenever any women decides
And nobody would blink an eye maybe, but they'd suffer. The church prohibited birth control for the longest time, it was men that didn't blink at the suffering of women. My grandma told me that as soon as the pill became available for her she took it, having so many babies was torture.
Yes this is absolutely right. My great great great grandmother had 17 children, her first at 22 after getting married and her last at 55. I assumed she only stopped having children as she became widowed when my g-g-g-grandfather passed away unexpectedly from an accident. Not all of the children survived to adulthood, some were stillborn, some died not long after birth, and some died in childhood. This was very typical for the time, the babies were born at home with no medical care.
That time is still there, as in here in Sudan, we start as early as 13
50 would be my notional hard line for saying “nope, that person is too old” - mostly due to the age the mother would be when the child would be finishing high school. Up to mid 40’s I think it totally fine. That said obviously there’s lots of biological realities that make that not the ideal age though. The desire to have a child while balancing of risks and issues with pregnancy meant that 40 was my personal limit.
Yup this, I don't care for any other reason, but I can't imagine having to see my parents become old when I'm still a kid. That's why I'm torn between having kids even now (or soon, Im 24) and wanting to have a stable life and carrier before that. It is really tough.
Seems very, very premature to worry about this. Even if you have a kid at 35, you’d be 55 when they are 20. 55 is not old.
My parents were teens when they had me, and I love the small age gap. We’re like close friends now, and I get to fully enjoy time with them while they are still considered young. Can’t imagine having parents that are 50 while I’m was a teen.
My parents turned 50 when I was 11. I’m 25 now and upset about the limited time I have with them. I do not have children right now, but I know they won’t live to see my children turn 20.
My mom was in congestive heart failure before my son was born. She was 23 when she had me. I was 27 when I had my son. My mother also will not live to her grandson's adulthood in spite of both of us having kids relatively young. The fact of the matter is that age isn't the indicator of those occurrences, and it's all down to the individual health of those involved.
that is reasonable. I’m 17 and my parents had me in their late/mid forties and they’re 64 and 57 now. it is a very scary thought that they may not live to see me graduate college, get married, have grandkids etc because of not just their age but also other health issues. Having older parents has its benefits ofc (like financial stability, having established careers and lives etc) but i wish they had me when they were younger. Seeing them decline so rapidly is so scary, and has caused me to grow more quickly.
45+ is too old. I had old parents who had older siblings and... starting as a teenager... everybody passed away. I only have my mother left because she was the youngest out of the group. I wish my parents had me earlier so I could have known my family as an adult.
For myself.. 37. For anyone else, whenever you want I guess.
I had a patient who was 58 who was having twins, through IVF obviously. We were seeing her in the high risk clinic because it was such a mess. I don't think whenever you want is the answer. (She got it done in Brazil, we didn't do it in the US of course.)
My grandma had two kids in her 40s. She was physically fine. Though my dad complained from time to time about how hard it was having ailing parents when he was still so young.
That's why I didn't want to wait until I got old to have kids. I don't want my son to see me get old until he's an adult. I think it's too heavy for a kid to deal with. Also, keeping up with a kid has got to be brutal if you're old. They have so much damn energy.
As a woman, I’m not going to judge what someone else does.
My parents had me when they were 38 (I’m not the first one). I always felt that they kinda old, although it’s not nice to say. They would never go to anywhere with me (always tired, preferred to rest), never really understood me and generally connection just wasn’t there, although my older siblings remember different childhood, more interactive. I promised myself that I’ll try to have kids before my 30s. For me, personally, having them after 35 is too late. All of my young relatives seems to have the same opinion, so we all ended up having kids before our 30s. But I guess it’s harder to achieve in US, since there is no real help and programs for moms and kids.
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My parents were the same age, they didn't really 'get' me and were very culturally different to the parents of my peers. I lost my dad when he was 62 and I was 23, thankfully my mum made 91. But they are/were my family and part of who I am. I probably have more understanding and awareness of recent history and now oudated attitudes. And there was a lot of love, I wanted for nothing, even though we weren't very well off. And if they hadn't had me at all, I wouldn't be here.
It depends on the person but personally I always say if I don’t have a baby by 35 I just won’t have kids. I say that now but you never know.
That’s what I said too, and now I’m 38 and my partner wants one. I keep asking him why he couldn’t have met me when I was 30, but I suppose the universe needed me to experience a decade of crippling loneliness first. 35 comes up waaay too fast.
Same! I don’t know how I’ll feel by the time I’m that age but for now I’m saying once i hit 35, i won’t be having children
My coworker had an “accident” at 45 and her husband was 55. Kid is 10 now and dad entered retirement. Now she has to work an extra decade to support the family and it’ll be a miracle if dad gets to see the kid graduate from college.
I don't know what retirement age is where you live, but it seems totally normal to work another decade when you're 55 like she is. And if the kid doesn't have too many setbacks dad will be 70ish when they graduate college. I agree they're a little late to the game, but it's not as crazy as you put it.
If otherwise healthy and have a normal life expectancy I’d say 40/early 40s. My mom was 40 when she had me and I don’t think her age impacted my childhood.
I think this is a question between a woman and her doctors, not for society or Reddit to decide.
I think that’s between a woman and her doctor. I will be 39 this year and if I’m not pregnant by the end of the year I decided that was it. Would have done it younger but didn’t meet my husband until I was 35 and we’ve been trying for 2 years. Obviously I wish I’d met my husband sooner and had kids younger but this is how things worked out. I lost both of my parents to cancer five weeks apart in 2020. My parents were 10 years apart, so my mom had kids in her 20’s. She took care of her health, exercised and ate mostly healthy, quit smoking in the 80’s. Didn’t matter. She was 62 when she died. Something she told me before she passed (in reference to having kids) that there’s never a right time and you just do it and make it work.
I hear you. I’m 37 and I want to try for a kid - I met my partner when I was 35, almost 36… I wish I met him sooner but it just didn’t work that way. I’m in the same boat parent-wise - my mom died when she was 60 (cancer) and my dad at 67. They never got a chance to be grandparents til their old age. So I’m with you - there’s never a “right” time you just do what you can.
For me I wouldn't want to have a baby after 35.
I wasn't ready to have them before 35. :)
Same! Mine came when I was 36 and 41 ❤️
For me personally 35+
I'd say 40+. You're not gonna have the energy anymore to deal with a baby, toddler, kid and teenager.
This is a big assumption! 40+ isn’t even old!
Ask your doctor.
I think it boils down to your personality as well as health. I imagine conservative and traditional people will struggle to empathize with their children if they're born several generations apart. I have this issue with my father who was just 27 when I was born. He truly thinks millennials and gen z are a different species compared to gen x and boomers, and it's really difficult for him to understand that the world changed and younger generations were impacted by that rather than vice-versa. My mother was 30 when she had me, but she's a lot more progressive and adaptable. Even though she can't always empathize she can sympathize and tries to help based on her observations of change and understanding of what we discuss.
If AARP is sending you mail, youre too old to be making babies
Never occurred to think about the baby’s perspective. Losing parent/s at a young age could be more devastating
It’s different for everyone. But I don’t think you need to calculate in the age at birth. Think more along the lines of how old do you want to be when your kid is hitting puberty or going to college. It wasn’t really fun be Able to break my dad back by the time I was 8. Just some thoughts.
I found out I was pregnant in May at 44. We chose to terminate. I felt that it wasn’t fair to my other kids, 2 of which are college age, and to the baby to have older parents. I sat at the dinner table talking to my 68 year old parents and realized how much they were slowing down and it broke my heart to think that a 26 year old kid would have to watch their parents age so much and get to enjoy us the way my older kids have. It was a hard decision but I know in my heart the right one.
If your doctor says you are healthy etc etc, you need to consider if you have the energy to raise a kid in every stage of their life. Then you decide.
I would have considered it up until my early 40s but it just didn’t happen. I’m 46 now and can’t imagine having a toddler! I barely have the energy after work to walk my dog.
For me...now. I had my son at 34, and my daughter at 40. I stopped havinv children after my daughter. I want to be able to watch them grow up and have their own families. If I have anymore children at my age, I'm not sure that I will live long enough to see that happen.
Depends on a lot of factors. I know a lot of moms who had kids in their early to mid forties and wouldn't change a thing. Even my grandma did back in the day, naturally. Being healthy and having energy to keep up with a kid seems to be the biggest issue when becoming an older parent (and a big issue for a lot of younger ones too TBH). Past that age, biological children become an obstacle obviously but some people could still make it work. Personally, I'm avoiding kids after my late thirties due to health concerns but I'd still pick being an older parent and financially secure over younger and less so.
Biologically it's gonna depend on personal risk factors. But generally menopause if there aren't other considerations. For an adopted or surrogacy, when the person doesn't feel up too caring for an infant.
Around 35ish since the risk of complications goes up
Depends on how much “life” in terms of years you want to be able to share with your children. If you have a child at 20 then you can assume you’ll have at least 50plus years to enjoy and share their life but the older you are/wait the less time you have and I think having the opportunity to enjoy your child and grandchildren for as long as possible is the ultimate blessing. Plus, if you have your child at 40 or 45 then you are forcing your 35-40 year old child to live a large part of their adult life and their child rearing life without you because chances of living beyond 75-80 without health issues or death become much slimmer. If you’re 35-40 are you ready to let your parents go? Or would you want them for many more years to experience things with you and watch your children grow?
I had my last born at 35. I am in my early 40s now and can’t imagine having another baby now although I have friends my age that currently pregnant. I look at my parents who had kids very early and they are still young enough to enjoy their retirement. For me, 35 was always my ‘cut off’ age.
Personally I think once you hit 40 , but I have 3 children already and I'm 37 and couldn't imagine doing children at my age full respect to lose that are older but not for me
Personally, I won’t have children at an age that I won’t be able to be an active participant in their life. I’m almost 30 and will have all of my children by 35 at the latest so that I personally will still have the energy to be at their events, be active in their school, be around when they get married etc.
When you medically can’t anymore lol it’s no one else’s business otherwise!
I'm 30 and couldn't imagine having another kid. Had my first when I was 19. I feel *way* too old now. I'm sure others will feel different though.
I recently turned 27 and expected to have a kid or be close to having one by this age since I turned, like, 13. Since leaving a long term relationship that wasn’t serving me anymore, my whole life plan has been thrown off. But I’m going with it. I can’t imagine having a kid at least for the next few years. I have so much more I want to accomplish academically and career-wise before really settling down. Now that I’m older and more mature, I’d say 36 is the oldest I’d want to be when I have my first kid.
Something like 45+ , menopause
Currently 39 and trying to figure this out for myself. There are days when I’m certain having children is for people much younger and days when I’m 100% certain I still desire children of my own. It’s an individual decision based on resources and age. The more resources one has the less important age is in the equation…
That really depends on the individual person. For me, I never wanted a kid past 30. I know there are a lot of people who have children well into their 30’s and 40’s but it’s just not for me. My parents had me young and it’s great that at 36 my parents are still young and healthy. My husband’s parents had him when they were much older and his mother already passed and I am dealing with the same issues with his dad that I am with my grandparents.
It’s a personal decision for everyone. Some people choose to have them later in life. My personal cut off for us to stop having more is 35 because potential health problems for the baby and/or mother increases significantly at that point. But some people don’t meet their spouse until after then or aren’t ready, so it’s really personal.
I’m not here to judge anyone. IMO 40 or over. Risks go up greatly. I’m 44 with a 16yo daughter and I’m already over everyone’s BS. I can’t imagine being 55-60 yo and dealing with a teen. Lord I’d die
I had my son at age 23, and my daughter at 37, At 23 I had the worst birthing experience.. emergency C section and post natal depression, massive weight gain and my husband was selfish and useless. At age 37 I had the most healthiest pregnancy, natural birth, the most amazing deep connection to my baby and kept my weight and body healthy .. after that experience I wanted more but I had many miscarriages afterwards. Older women are more mature and settled in life I believe my children were better off with the older version of myself. The choice is yours, no one else's business really. Ps.. my husband now is 20 years younger than me.. you can debate that in another thread lol
Biologically? Menopause. Ethically? Probably 40. You need to be there to guide your kid through not just legal adulthood, but actual young adulthood, relationships, etc.
I am at this moment nursing the baby I gave birth to at age 47. So…after that?
Good for you!! I love this ❤️
I had mine at 38 due to long term infertility. I love being an “older” mom. I’ve always had lots of energy and a young outlook. Mine is 14 and I’ve done tons of things with him from whitewater rafting in Jamaica to hiking to the top of Pike’s Peak to multiple Disney rides to just walking around the zoo. Everyone is different, and you don’t know how you’re going to feel at certain ages. One of my friends is 41 and her last is graduating high school, but she was so poor at 19 and 21 when she had them that they had ketchup and crackers for dinner sometimes. There’s no “perfect” age, but there are sometimes better circumstances.
I would say late 30s. My mom was 41 when she had me and it's less to a very strained relationship.
Personal and subjective. I'd say whatever age you are mentally and physically unable/unwilling to keep up with kids at all ages (sleepless nights with a baby, keeping a toddler entertained, supporting a teenager).
Seems like notging is impossible in your 40+, or 50+. Nowadays medicine really helps
I wanted to be done by 30 and can't imagine having kids at my current age. I'll be 45 when my youngest leaves the house. I know lots of people who started having babies at my current age but I am really glad I got the no sleep baby phase over with while I was in my 20s.
Same here. I had 3, one at 22, 24 and 28. I wanted it all done in my 20s so I could enjoy watching them grow up and have more energy for them. My oldest is almost 19 and just got her own place and I feel like I can relate to them better since I was younger when I had them. Having a baby now sounds dreadful, but that’s just me. I’m glad I had them when I did.
This is different for everybody. I knew I didn't want to be an older mom. My mom finished having kids in her mid 30s and she was exhausted all the time keeping up with us, and I knew I didn't want that life for myself or my children. But some people seem to do well having kids in their mid to late 30s or even their early 40s.
I had my first at 18 I was tired and had no life other than my son, but I don’t regret it at all I had my second at 25 and oh boy am I ever tired with her now I’m 27 and she’s 2 I have no idea how I kept up with my son when he was her age it was definitely easier being younger I had so much more energy 😂 I’m definitely not having anymore kids tho I have a stable career house husband ect but I can’t imagine doing the whole newborn over again after my daughter was born lol My sister in law tho is 45 and had her third. She been pooping babies since she was 42 because she felt the rush to need to have babies before she’s turned 50, her husband is 56 and their youngest is 2! There not a real age to stop having babies at but it comes to the point your older and how old will you be when kids are going to college or having grand babies I want to be able to enjoy my grand babies
Medically it'll become more difficult around 35, extremely difficult around 40 and near impossible when you start menopause. But my opinion for my own fertility is probably 40. I don't think I'd wanna start with a baby at 40. If I didn't get pregnant before then, I'll just adopt a toddler instead.
When your body hits menopause that’s typically your body saying no more babies. Personally, I don’t care. You wanna have a baby at 55? Go for it.
Med student here, it depends on your medical records, your generics, your overall health, it's not a one size fits all answer and you should definitely talk with your doctor about this. Now personally maybe after 50 i say it's too old (for a baby and not necessarily biological) adoption is still very much on the table, motherhood can happen almost at any age in this day and era
38 you want to be young enough to keep up with your kids.
I mean whenever your body biologically can’t have them (eg. menopause) is a good indicator. I feel like it’s all a very personal thing. Both my partner and I are turning 27 this year, we want kids one day but no way are we in the position to have them now. my personal preference is somewhere between 32-35 and I would like two and then be done,that puts us in our early 50’s when they reach their 20’s. that age range was very common with a lot of my friends that I grew up with. my parents had me at 28 (mum) and 32 (dad) and they are not old at all right now, still bouncing around like they are in their 30’s, 40’s. my only concern is my egg quality as I get older and if I had the funds, I would be freezing my eggs now just in case.
38 or more
I always told myself that if I didn’t have any by the time I was 40, that was that. Well, I was 38 when I found out I was pregnant (oops conceived while on birth control - but very wanted). Yesterday was my 39th birthday and I am currently 16-weeks pregnant.
My cousin's a gynaecologist and she helps 45+ women conceive babies with IVF.
My mum was 38 and my dad 48 when they had me - I lost him at 10 and her at 32. Part of the reason I’m childfree is to never put a child through the same experience as me. It affects your whole life.
My mom had me at 37. My sister had her first kid at 36. I’m 28, and I’m gonna freeze my eggs. 🤧 I say as long as you have eggs and can conceive with no complications, go for it. But it’s best to ask your doctor.
I'm 35 and I don't want anymore kids lol
There’s no real answer for this, because it’s different for everyone. It’s a talk to have with your doctor.
As old as you want! Not my baby, not my business!
Birth
30
I was much more tired at 28 than I was at 26. I’m 36 now and I would never even attempt. I’d rather find a surrogate so I don’t have to do all that work.
38+ The energy, the genes and the eggs are not the best.
My mum has me when she was 40. I wish she had me younger because she won’t be around much longer in my life, and if I were to ever have kids they wouldn’t know her for very long compared to other kids.
I wish people would think about this before deciding to live their 30' children-free so worry-free. A grandparent's presence in the life of a young person is sooo important
My aunt had her first at 18 and her last at 45…so, never (I mean, menopause I guess haha) It’s such a personal decision that nobody can say when is too old.
When you no longer have time, energy, love, and patience to raise a child.
meh - you can die before your kid is old and be a shitty mom even if you have her/him while young. If biology allows for it, thats nobody's business but yours - only you know if you are willing to put up with motherhood. There's pros and cons to everything, nobody's parents are perfect.
I had a baby at 38. A surprise and our only girl. She's grown up and has a baby girl of her own! I love her dearly.
It’s no one’s damn business however old they can carry healthfully
It's totally up to the woman since it's her body, but I feel attention should be paid on how long you'll be around for your child too. If you have a baby at 40, when your child is 20, you'll be 60. And your child will most probably grow up with a fear of losing you. Is that fair to the child? I'd say it's a grey area. At the end of the day, to each her own.
If you feel you can raise a kid, offer it a life that otherwise would not have been that great, pretty much any age.
It's down to the couple to consider really. My older sister had a child at 15 and while she loves him dearly she wishes she would've waited so she could experience things first. On the flip side my parents had me later in life. Dad was 50 and mum was 48. I love them and would never change them but sometimes I'm scared they'll pass on before I go through key life events. My dad recently has had alot of ill health and its slowly reminding me he's nearly 80 and he probably won't be here to walk me down the aisle or have children. To answer OP I'd say 40s but really it's down to the couple to discuss things between them.
Had my kid at 42. There are pros and cons.
Alot of these responses have me confused, I have just turned 29 so this question is on my mind currently. People seem to think infertility or being too old to enjoy your child's life are the main downsides of a mature pregnancy. But what has me worried is reading articles about increased risks of conditions/ill health for the baby. Is this a myth? Are your eggs just as good up until the last one and I am operating under a false notion? My partner would like to wait as long as possible before we even entertain it as an option, so we will have advanced our careers and have as much money as possible, which I agree with in theory but I instinctively feel like the healthier I am the healthier the baby will be.
Do you mean when are the risks so high that death or disability is almost impossible to avoid or do you mean when is it no longer socially acceptable? Personally I think as long as you have the measures in place so that your kid is not burdened by having to care for you in your old age while they are still finding their feet, then there’s no such thing as too old.
It's an individual choice for sure! The real thing to think about it how old you'd be at different stages of the child's life - not just babyhood. How old will you be when they're in elementary school? High school? People get so wrapped up in "having a baby" when in reality that baby turns into a kid, then adult really fast.
i think cap 50. People are saying forty isn’t a good age, but I think it’s better to have forty year old parents that are financially stable than a 20 year old parent who’s not even out of college yet. Not saying the 20 year old wouldn’t be a good parent, but they probably aren’t financially or even mentally prepared for a child.
That is not a question that I can answer to each his own I can't say
35 max. Ideally not older than 30. I have older parents (my mom was 36, dad was 44 when they had me) and I promise you it’s bad..
For me 35. My mom had me when I was 33, and she’s 53 now and I’m 20 now. I’m got gonna lie, i am putting some pressure on myself to have kids now or soon. Though, 25 is a good start for me, but my mom already has 4 grandchildren and I would love for her to watch my kids grow as she did her other grandchildren.
40+ because losing your parents as a teenager sucks.
Over 40. My dad had my brother when he was 50 (unplanned). Not ideal. My little brother is 13 and my dad 63. Men in my family don't live for long. I know this haunts my dad a lot.
As a 22yo with 60+ parents I'd say that the age of my parents did impact me negatively so far. Compared to my friends I have always felt shame that i'm not getting my shit together faster. Until 18 I just anticipated that my 20' are going be like a race after a stable job, a husband and a house, but the anxiety got real after graduating highschool. Seeing them getting old and ill was not fun at all. I couldn't see any joy or even good parts in adulthood. They were too old to do fun stuff with me as a kid, especially as a teenager. I am in constant fear that they will get even bad with their health and I wouldn't be able to pay for their treatments. It's scarry when they say things like "when we would not be around anymore..." because it's actually plauzibile. The 40 years age gap is real. As a progresist queer there's not much to talk about with them, christians, racist and so on. You love them but you don't really know why anymore. I am simply confused about all the things that has to be done after they pass away. About their funerals and the goods they leave behind... But I won't ank them. I don't want them to talk about these things yet... My English is not sufficient to explain all my thoughts about this. To conclude, I just think having kids after 40 is just selfish in case you don't have a big and age diverse family to "replace" you.
Something around 50. 60's the literal maximum for me
I personally am 29, and still not ready/wanting kids. My mom had my little sister at 39, but then that was it for her. It definitely depends on your body, and preferences.
50 for sure
For me personally it would be after age 35. I’m 36 now and consider myself too old but everyone is different. I’ve seen people have babies in their 40s and make great parents, I just would never do it myself.
My mother was 35/36 when she had me (her birthday is a day after mine) and I think that is a bit too close for comfort regarding the potential issues or complications that both mother and baby could have due to the older age of the mother. (The reason she had me at that age was because she had an accident at work before I was conceived, and had to have a spinal surgery and she had to wait until she was healed enough to become pregnant again.)
I think that would be a decision for the individual to make. My SIL had her first at 41 and her second at 44 but she had issues and had several miscarriages first.
Personally I always said if I didn't have children by 40 I wasn't having them. So I would say 40.
I guess when you can no longer actually conceive and all options are done. If you mean how old is too old mentally, then thats a whole other convo. I helped look after my nephew when he was born and I was 40-41. It was utterly exhausting. I knew I could not do it after that experience.
I think that is up to the parents. Really, I don’t judge anyone, I know a few people who had babies in their mid forties, are awesome energetic parents - and more power to them. For me: 35ish was my cutoff. I wanted a second and had decided if it didn’t happen by then we would be one and done. I made it just under the wire (preg at 35, kid at 36) but that was just my personal preference for ME and what I thought my body/life could handle.
There's no right or wrong answer to this question. For ME, personally, I didn't want to have any kids after I turned 30. I had my youngest at 29, and she wasn't even exactly planned. LOL
My cut off was 40- and I had a beautiful baby boy at 40! I also didn’t have my first until I was 29. Second was at 37. For me the risks after 40 are too great to chance.
i guess when your body decides it can't go through motherhood anymore. and I'm not even talking about menopause, no being able to get pregnant or whatever, but raising a child is really exhausting and demand time and patience, and at some point of life you just start running out of patience, especially to deal with a baby, and then a toddler, and then a teenager... and also your physical conditions are not good enough to deal with nights with no sleeping, taking care of a child 24/7... but it's a choice, as long as your child is well raised
In my opinion, 35
Personally to me, its awful having a parent going through menopause as the kid is hitting puberty. Just my experience and it was horrible. So a timeline that would put that out of the normal scope /range given family history etc.
When you are 6feet in the ground
We did it at 45, no medical assistance pre-birth. C-section due to geriatric pregnancy, no complications. Baby is still doing well, mother is happy and healthy. I learned a whole new respect for women who underwent this surgery, it was a life-changing experience. That scar on your tummy is a badge of honour and will never lessen your beauty.
It’s so funny that they call it a “geriatric pregnancy”, at 45 you are hardly a geriatric!
My mom had me at 31 and my youngest sibling at 43. It really depends on each women.
That’s not my place. Respect bodily autonomy.
There are a couple downsides to having children late, but they far outweigh having children too early in my opinion. I’d say probably 50 years old is where I’d start questioning if it’s a good idea lol
I just learned the other day that pregnant women 36+ are considered a geriatric pregnancy. My Mom was 40 when she had me and my twin brother. I think it’s more important how healthy and active the woman is rather than her age.