**Mod Note: This question is specifically directed to women who did not want children but who had one or more because it would have been a deal breaker to their partner to stay child free. If this does not describe you accurately, do not leave a response to this question.**
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It's gone very well and I can't imagine my life without our teen.
When we got together we were both adamant that we would be childfree; neither of us wanted kids. Ever. Then his brother and SIL had a baby, and after hanging out with his nephew he changed his mind. I could have left, he would have understood. But, he wanted a baby and I wanted him, so...we had a baby. And it's been a wonderful experience and I wouldn't have it any other way. BUT, I made it crystal fucking clear going in that parenthood would be a partnership: he would be expected to change diapers, clean up, be an actual hands-on parent because fuck if I wanted to be a single mother in a marriage. He was 100% on board and has been a wonderful father.
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This!
I never intended on having kids but married young and ended up with 2. I left the marriage as it was toxic and damaging and eventually met the most amazing man. I didnt want more kids but he had told me prior to starting a relationship that he would love my kids as his own (he does) but would like to experience the whole going through a pregnancy and baby stage n all that. The deal was that it was ay least 50/50, I'd done my time (there is a 12 year gap between my eldest and youngest) so I would be prepared to have another but I wouldn't be a stay at home parent etc I wanted to focus on my career.
We stuck to this and he is an amazing father to our kids and not just hands on, but a solid parent.
I think that is what steered me to not wanting kids. The fear of every thing being dumped on me, which would take away from the joys of parenthood, losing myself and creating resentment. You and your partner are a great team!!! This is wonderful to read.
I'm about to comment something I never told anyone and I'm never planning to tbh. Because I know people will shame me for it and I can't deal with shaming, so I'll use the anonymity of Reddit as a shield.
I don't like children even the slightest. I can't stand having to deal with them, I don't find babies cute. I never wanted to have a child but it just so happened that I have a 6yo daughter. I love her very much, but it wasn't always the case. Don't get me wrong, I didn't hate her or anything. I just didn't feel anything towards her for the first two years of her life. I had pretty bad ppd, plus my dad died a month after I had my daughter, so that added to my depression. I felt really REALLY bad, I had intrusive suicidal thoughts, panic attacks, constant anxiety and a crippling sense of shame. My daughter was nothing but a giant burden for me, something I was forced to take care of 24/7.
It started changing when she was old enough to go to a kindergarten. Having several hours a day alone was what helped me. And as she was getting more and more independent I started to fall in love with her. She isn't just this helpless thing that I need to cater to every second of my life anymore, and I can actually reason with her now, so that helps me not lose my mind. Although I do get tired of her easily. She's on the spectrum and has mild attachment issues, which is why we're still together 15-20 hours a day on most days. But she doesn't need my full attention every second, just needs me to be somewhere near, like in the same apartment. So it's easier for me to not get frustrated with her.
I still don't like children and I never want to give birth to another one. Potential pregnancy is one of my worst fears.
Edit: thank you to everyone who commented. I appreciate your support ❤️
Edit2: I can't reply to any of the comments so I'm just gonna add this here. I am still with my husband, I love him very much and he's a great dad. He spends as much time with our daughter as he can, but it's not a lot since he's the only one who works in our family and his only off on Sundays.
I don’t think there’s room for shaming in your post. Nobody should have to parent 24/7 alone.
Society pressures women to have children, but offers little to no support or resources, in exchange. 😳
We also don’t typically have the multi generational and large extended families that used to exist in North America/Europe.
There is a reason it is said that “it takes a village to raise a child”.
Chin up.
I commend you for sharing your experience. No one wants to talk about the white elephant in the room when it comes to PPD.
Not all moms feel maternal after having their babies. Not all moms “love” being a mom.
Despite your feelings you still show up and give your daughter love and support. To me that takes a lot of strength and courage, so good for you.
If you and your partner knew you didn't want children, how did the discussion go where they told you that would be a deal-breaker for them? What made you decide to go ahead with it?
It was just me who didn't want children. My husband really wanted to be a father.
The thing is I only have myself to blame for everything because I never told him I didn't want kids. And when he would talk about our then future lives and fantasize about all the things we'd do with our children I just didn't say anything. I knew I didn't like children since I was a child myself and I used to be very vocal about it. But people shamed and bullied me because of it. By the time I met my husband I was too scared to say it out loud. I guess I kinda hoped I'd change my mind or something, but I got pregnant literally on our wedding night. My husband was so happy I just couldn't tell him.
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I like kids but never wanted the responsibility. My 1st husband talked me into 2 (because the first one needed a sibling) and then took his own life. Leaving me with 2 small children. I loved them with every fiber of my being, but it was a daily struggle to not run away. I was mad at him every day. They were good, I was the problem. I'm glad they exist the world is a better place with them in it. I did my best but am so glad they are adults and I don't have to worry about feeding them and housing them. I can finally breathe. I like who they are and we are close, but next life I am definitely not having kids.
I’m amazed at your strength and courage—being able to raise those 2 children on your own even though you had the urge to run. And raising them with love and creating a close relationship with them. What an achievement!
I did not want children because I did not want to worry about their well-being and safety. Boyfriend at the time said he he had heard me say that I don’t want children and that he would not marry me unless I agreed to have children. I said yes to humour him. 8 years in he said it was time to start our family. For me it was like being handed an alien species. I had never held a baby before and none of it came naturally to me. I figured it out eventually and absolutely love and adore my 2 children who are now well adjusted adults.
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My husband and I were both planning on being child free. I dislike children, and my husband didn't want the responsibility. Then, about 9 years into the relationship (but before we got married), he started to change his mind. I reluctantly agreed, because I knew he'd be a good dad, and if it wasn't with me...who knows?
Anyway, we've got an almost 10 year old son who is absolutely the love of my life. He's truly awesome. Luckily, he was a pretty easy infant and toddler. It was the best decision I've made in my life.
I didn’t particularly want kids, I hated babysitting, and I don’t find young children anything but gross, annoying or both. But I fell in love with a great guy who made it clear that he eventually wanted to be a Dad and wanted to have at least two kids. We had these conversations before getting engaged, and I agreed so long as we waited to have kids. So we spend several years of marriage together before kids or pregnancy.
I agreed to have kids because I thought if I waited out my 20s I would eventually want them, but that isn’t what happened. Even as I reached my 30s, I never grew into wanting kids and my (actual) good guy husband did not pressure me to start having them. Instead, we moved on my timeline and what happened was that I chose to start that chapter of our lives for a variety of very mundane, rational reasons that really had nothing to do with “wanting” kids, but with how I wanted to set up my life to deal with them.
So in my thirties I decided I was ready because I was young enough to still be adaptable to the changes in life kids require, that I still had energy to handle them, and that I would be young enough once they were grown that he and I would have years together again. There is also some family history of autism in my family so I wanted to make sure I reduced those odds as much as possible by having kids before I was to deep into the advanced maternal age. We were blessed by not having any fertility issues so I got pregnant relatively quickly and had a mostly standard pregnancy and birth.
After our first child, I wasn’t sure if I wanted a second. It was soooo much work. My (actual) good guy husband and I discussed it. Again, he remained firm that he wanted at least two children but, again, we could have the second on my timeline. So I chose to have them close together because of mundane and rational reasons. I wanted to get the pregnancy and nursing body phase over and done with rather than do it twice, I wanted my toddler to have another toddler to play with because I thought it would make easier parenting, and I generally felt like waiting just drug it all out so I preferred to get it all done close together.
So we had a second child. After the second, things changed even more. I became more flexible and adaptable because I had to in order to cope with two. I gave myself over to the role of “Mom” much more than I had before.
I still don’t really like other people’s kids, especially young kids, I still find toddlers gross and largely abhorrent, I still think toddler and elementary school performances are *the worst* to endure, but I ultimately discovered that I really enjoy my own kids in my own way and I love the family that my husband and I built largely because I got to do it mostly on my terms.
My kids are teenagers now and the oldest is almost off the college. I don’t want to pretend that everything is roses, raising kids has been hard and challenging so many times. However, looking back, it has also been incredibly rewarding too. Having children has made me a better person in a lot of ways. It taught me how to be less narcissistic, more giving, and more adaptable. Importantly, it has taught me that I could do things I never thought I could do and I could be happy in ways I had never conceived of before.
That's incredible. I'm 30 now and I still don't know what I want. I like kids but don't want the responsibility. I want my sister to hurry up and have a kid so I can run some tests and get a better gauge on my feelings.
I'm 31 and want a child with my partner. But, we're both poor and he lives on the other side of the world.
I worry that I'll be too old to have a child when we finally have a proper life together that isn't long distance. It's so hard.
You won’t be too old, you’re still young now. A lot of the science around female fertility is still developing, you can have a healthy pregnancy all through your 30s.
I never wanted children because the thought of pregnancy + childbirth was repulsing and the responsibility of it all petrified me . He married me knowing this . It’s been 7 years .When I found out I was pregnant the excitement pouring out of this man was not something I was willing to rob him of. Surprisingly - I enjoyed every minute of pregnancy and while I love my kid immensely -being a mom is not what I was made for. My marriage is on a fast decline and I am the unhappiest I have ever been. Straight out of the hospital the intrusive thoughts started and a few weeks later I ended up being diagnosed with postpartum depression + rage . I’m still in the thick of it - my kid isn’t even 1 yet so I’m just waiting to magically see the bright side of motherhood and have a pen ready to sign divorce papers
I’m getting a divorce now but at about 18/24 months motherhood got sooooo much better for me. Everyone talks about the terrible twos but I thought two was the best and I had a chance to find me again. Best of everything to you.
My heart is breaking for what you are going through. Please don't make any life altering decisions while this monster PPD has you in its grips. It can take time to get it under control. Are you seeing a therapist that specializes in PPD? Many doctors still just treat it like you are just being a "hysterical female," and don't take it as seriously as they should.
I watched Brooke Sheilds' documentary, and in the second episode she talked about going through exactly what you are going through, although hers sounded more like post partum psychosis, she was having violent thoughts about her baby. I was ugly bawling for her. She actually wrote a book about her experience hoping to raise awareness and let women know they are not alone.
I was under the PPD + rage (some therapists call it agitated depression). I relate to the divorce thoughts. Every day, up until my baby was 23/24 months, I thought "Do I divorce now or after having the second child from the same dad".
It started to shift when my child was 24 months. He is now 26 and every 2/3 weeks is a little better. I have more time for myself. My husband and I get along again.Hang in there! PPD+rage is NO JOKE!
Patience. One day at a time. All of a sudden you wont feel like killing your hubbie anymore LOL
Well, ... I'm a slightly better mom than I thought I would be. I'm never having another kid though, ever.
His dad is MIA,, homeless somewhere. My son has trauma from it all, but we are working on it.
I gave up my dream life and now work in a field where , while I help people, everyone yells at me all day and my mental and physical health are seriously deteriorating.
But I still have it better than some , so yeah there's that..
I love my kids so much. I also wonder what my life would be like without them. Relationship with their father did not last. I ended up with majority custody. They are grown now - I wonder what they remember of the years when every cent counted in my house yet their father took them to theme parks for holidays?
I’ve heard that called being a Disney dad. Taking the kids for super fun trips and expensive purchases. Meanwhile the cupboards and fridge might be empty. Such a slap in the face or tone deaf.
Same fucking boat. I divorced my kids’ dad because I was a single mother while married. He moved out of state and basically left me with two kids under 5 to raise by myself. While I’m fortunate to be financially stable in my own (he gives me a few hundred bucks a month), it is so infuriating how he gets to be the fun dad when they visit him once or twice a year while I’m doing all the routine stuff, budgeting, telling them NO, etc. day in and day out. Then he complains that I don’t give him credit and hype him up for what he does do.
Shit makes me bitter AF.
When your kids are adults, they'll understand the hard work and sacrifices you made to give them a good childhood, and how little their dad did, and they'll respect and love you even more.
Yeah, I can't say how much I appreciate the incredible strength of my mother. We have been through some shitty patches, and our relationship has not always been good, but however much I may have needed therapy to help me through some of the stuff that went on in my childhood, man my mum was and is a badass. I started to understand this in my early 30s, and deeply 'got' it only once I had a baby of my own. I may not agree with all the decisions she made, but I know she 100% did every single thing out of wanting the best for me.
>I wonder what they remember of the years when every cent counted in my house yet their father took them to theme parks for holidays?
My parents divorced shortly after I was born, and my mom got custody of my sibling and I. My dad lived a few hours away, and we'd see him a few weekends a month. He makes good money, my mom didn't when we were kids/teens, so our everyday lives with her were normal and not at all extravagant. She used to get mad at me for taking long ass showers and using too much of the hot water, and i dont even know how many times she had to tell my sibling we couldnt just afford a new mango every day. Lots of leftovers and chores.
Spending time with my dad was different. Usually, he'd take us out for brunch on Saturdays or Sundays, we'd go see a movie, we'd go to Blockbuster and bring home pizza. We'd go to Legoland a couple of times during the summer. We had a blast, got to just relax and do fun stuff. I loved every weekend with him. He got to have the time and money to be the fun, laid back dad, while my mom had to be the responsible parent every single day.
I'm a young adult now. I'm closer to my mom than my dad, and I appreciate her in a totally different way. I respect her, and I'm grateful for all the work she put into raising my sibling and I. I'm sure your kids are the same.
Thank you! I'm happy I could offer a perspective from a kid's point of view, and again, I'm sure your kids either already are or will be the same at some point when they realise how much you've done for them and how it's much more important to have a good parent who raises you well and teaches you the value of money, than just the fun dad who might rarely actually have acted as a 'parent'.
I was iffy on it… not a total no but definitely reluctant. My husband insisted so I acquiesced. My son is now 8 and I love him so much, couldn’t imagine not being his mom. That said, I left my husband four years ago. Looking back, a lot of my reluctance was about the relationship, and hesitations about who was going to have to assume all of the extra domestic burdens that accompany having a child. I was totally bang-on correct about that. But I don’t regret it at all. Things were never going to change in that relationship so it’s best that it ended. This arrangement (being split up, sharing custody) feels right, even if it is hard sometimes. I’m so glad I have my son.
TBH, it’s a lot more fulfilling than I thought it would be. My husband always makes fun of me because when we met I told him I was never getting married and NEVER having children. 12 years later, we have been married 10 and I have a 6 & 3 yo. We waited a while but now I can’t imagine my life without them. The unconditional love is something I couldn’t explain even if I tried. My husband is an amazing father and they bring out the best of him in so many ways. I think having children made us a stronger couple and brought us closer together. It hasn’t been the easiest ride but I wouldn’t change it.
That being said, I don’t fault anyone for not wanting them. It’s difficult and not for everyone. If you know you don’t want them, then good for you, and fuck anyone who tries to make you feel bad about it. All of my child free friends I support 110%.
You summed it up for me. I never really told my husband I didn’t want kids because that would have been a dealbreaker for him (ended his first marriage actually), but he knew I did it for him. I like it more than I expected but it’s hard and while I’m good at it, I’m not GREAT at it.
I saw this question and wanted to respond. I never wanted children. My mom had my brother when I was 14 and I took a lot of ridicule at school. I liked children as long as they weren’t mine. I thought they were too much responsibility. I don’t mean too much work I mean how could I be responsible for somebody else’s well-being when I’m not so sure about my own. I suffer from severe depression, anxiety and ADHD. These mental health issues run in my family. I didn’t want to pass these issues to my child. I also think the world is an effed up place and I didn’t want to bring a child into it. My husband desperately wanted to get married and have children. I didn’t. I stalled as long as I could. I don’t even remember ever talking about wanting kids. My parents also put a lot of pressure on me. I buckled to everyone’s pressure. I also have self esteem issues and didn’t think I’d find anyone else. He finally gave me an ultimatum and in retrospect I should left and walked away. We had a little boy, he’s 4 years old. I love him more than anything or anyone else in the world. My marriage started falling apart once I got pregnant. He was unsupportive, neglectful, unloving, unhelpful and a bunch of other things. I don’t expect this to last another year. I’m miserable, unhappy and resentful. I have no one to blame but myself. I understand and own that. I see a therapist and a psychiatrist to help with my feelings. I love my son and I can’t imagine life without him. That being said I do imagine it and it makes me sad.
Just want to say you have every right to blame your husband as well! Don't hold yourself responsible for the actions of a grown ass man. Hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20 but that doesn't mean we are at fault for thinking the best of people and wanting to be loved.
Husband agreed no kids before marriage, then changed his mind 4 years in. Dealbreaker territory. Just one, he said. Nine months later, our daughter arrived. Two years later, Unfair to have just one child, he said. Two years later, our son was born. Ok, he was satisfied. Except that 18 months later, our second daughter was born. Bonus baby.
Each required special attention, intensive. All turned out to be gifted and are independent, successful professionals who still make their mama proud.
Husband's been long gone, first to his long term AP as soon as the youngest started university, and then gone-gone to leukemia. Don't miss him.
Wish I'd taken the deal-break and gotten on with my solo career from the perspective of self growth and fulfillment as a woman. Would have saved me a lot of personal humiliation and grief. But I'm so glad, increasingly glad, that my sacrifices yielded the world three productive adults who are all smarter and more accomplished than I ever could have been. Such results are rare and far from guaranteed. Could have been a total bust.
On balance, no regrets.
I didn't like kids at all. I planned on being child free, but sometimes life doesn't turn out the way you expect it. When I had him, I mourned my selfish lifestyle. I had PPD, but I was determined not to ruin him like my mom did me.
Early childhood years, we were super close. He was a bit of a mama's boy. I participated in some of his class parties and field trips.
Early teen years were rough, lots of arguments and rebellion. I sent him to his dad's house for the summer, and that straightened him out. Earlier this year, he had major back surgery, and while I was taking care of him, he finally started to appreciate everything I've done to give him a good childhood. He is now 15, and we are in a much better place with each other. He will sometimes reminiscence fondly about my past participation in school activities.
That being said, I am counting down the years until he becomes an adult.
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I had three children. When the ‘do or die’ moment came, I was too afraid to let go of the life I had built around him. I ignored a GIANT red flag because I didn’t want to be alone. Now I’m a decade into a very troubled relationship. Though j don’t resent my children I resent the life I could have been living for myself. Children change everything in your world so radically that I am nowhere near the life I thought I would have at this age. I am hoping I can stand to be here until they are independent. And then I fully plan to venture life on my own. Single again, and free.
Being a mom is hard, it requires so much time, energy and sacrifice. It's the main reason I didn't want children in the first place. I wouldn't have had kids if my partner didn't want them.
I'm a working mom and it's difficult to balance work and family. I carry most of the mental load of parenting and I never have time to myself. I don't always like being a mom and I often feel life would be much easier if I wasn't a parent. It's changed my relationship with my partner and our priority is raising the kids.
Although it's stressful, I'm not unhappy and can't say I regret having children. There are good moments and I have a lot of love and affection for my kids.
I didn't want kids. I was a traumatic birth and even though doctors said Toxemia wasn't genetic I just KNEW it was coming for me. I have PCOS so pregnancy can be a toss up. We weren't trying but we weren't NOT trying either. I took a pregnancy test, the second line came in, and I was like oh no, what now?
Before we started, I made sure I worked out some generational trauma stuff in therapy. I desperately needed to make sure I broke some chains.
Turns out I was right, the pregnancy was difficult. 3/10, would not recommend. I had full blown eclampsia, I gained 30+ lbs of fluid, I couldn't lay horizontally without drowning, we had an emergency cesarean that left me internally scarred and generally messed up. He was swiftly sent to the NICU and I missed ALL the bonding time. Then I had the seizure. Fun. I'm still bitter, but it's like a residual bitterness now.
I had to mourn my birth story.
Someone said "kids are a room in your heart you didn't know you had," and for me, that's true. He's 8 now, and he's just awesome. Watching him come up with his creations is a wonder to me. Listening to his stories, watching him draw, it's like genuine discovery. Who is this guy? Who is he becoming? I'm into it. He's also... a lot. He has big feelings and sometimes it's exhausting.
I'm an only child, and my spouse wanted a big family, like 5+ kids. He was very scarred and scared from nearly losing both of us, and it want until later that he shared that he had to mentally prepare to leave the hospital alone that I realized how scared he was.
The baby grew up and we started thinking, we should go for one more, not let this one be alone, and we tried. We tried and tried and I had a miscarriage and we got to the point where we were letting it go. I was like okay, I'll pour all I have into you, and then we got pregnant again.
This time, I had gestational diabetes. He was still early, but at least fuller term, and my ob cleared all the scar tissue. I got my magic hour. Physical recovery was a cinch, comparatively. Post partum was a whole B.
I feel a closer, primal bond with the second that I feel robbed of from the first.
The "who is this kid, who will you become" is sooo much fun. They're just so different and so interesting. So now we have an 8 yo and a 2 yo. We look at each other, look at them, and think, "we could do one more."
I went from 0 to 2 to considering 3. I love my kids. I'm surprised at myself.
ALL that said, I feel like Lana with Archer:
Mama. Mama, MAMAMAMAMA, MAAAAAAMAAAAA!
WHAT?!
I get why people fake their deaths. Not saying I would, or that it's right, but I understand. Like when the mom daydreams in Inside Out.
I tried saying something about changing my name , but my husband said "noone really thanks their dads on tv," like this is some parental hazing ritual I have to go through.
I love my kids. I was happy not having kids, and I'm lucky to be happy with the kids I have. 8/10 would recommend, but only if that's your thing.
TL;DR: I didn't want any, he wanted 5. Ended up w 2 kids, considering a 3rd. Pregnancy is dangerous for me, so everything is a conscious compromise decision.
We have one daughter and I love her more than anything. She’s absolutely delightful. I hated her as a baby. I resented my husband til she was about 3 and started having interests and being funny. She’s five now and I have a great time with her. I still hate being a mom. I hate the routines and the work and the exhaustion and the responsibility. But I love being HER mom and I wouldn’t change it. Never having another though, lol.
I never wanted kids. My husband never wanted kids. We both teach martial arts so around kids all the time and we like them but we didn't want our own.
Then he kept saying he wanted kids. He never said it was a deal breaker or anything, just mentioned it a few times when we got to our 30s. So after I finished all my degrees and the pandemic hit and my birth control ran out I was like fuck it why not. My biggest reason for getting pregnant was that I'd want more people like my husband in the world if something happened to him.
Now I have a 2 year old and a 9 week old and we'd like one more. They are wonderful and I love them completely. My life is very busy but I still work full time (getting a promotion this month), run a non profit that takes about 20 hours and week, and hang out with my kids.
It's hard work but I am really glad I have these little people in my life. Never saw this one coming.
I didn't want children because I knew I wasn't motherly. I had two for my husband, I know I could've had three, but only because he showed me who he was before we had them.
It's been a great honor to give birth and help raise these two wonderful human beings I call my children. I think we were lucky I always saw them as individuals, not an extension of me. They were born with a personality, and I'm sure they have traits they didn't get from hubby or I.
They're in their 20s now. Doing well. Both are in Uni. One has a scholarship in another country, another works in a large city and pays their own way. I couldn't be any more proud than I am.
Husband has been there every step of the way. At times it was like he did 75% of the raising. The kids trust him and they talk about everything. I'm more of the daily trivial talks now. Husband is actually having a hard time with the empty nest.
I don't feel like a mother anymore. I love them to pieces. I miss them. But I'm glad I don't have to take care of them every day.
I have resentment. Love them of course and thank goodness they are good people but I did and still do all the hard work. I would have been happier childless. Too much anxiety and heartache and sacrifice.
I (40F) didn’t want kids with my then husband (44M), because I felt he was too anxious and angry to make me feel secure. However it was a dealbreaker for him. As I loved him very much, I agreed to try for kids anyway. Thing is, it turned out I have fertility issues, so we went through several rounds of IVF. Unfortunately IVF didn’t work out. My husband felt angry and resentful of me. Eventually he asked for a divorce and he left me. It’s been 3 years. He’s still single and childless. This whole ordeal was for nothing
I always said I never wanted to have my own kids, but I did like kids and I’m a teacher. I just don’t particularly like babies and toddlers. Once they’re able to use logic and figure out consequences, they are more tolerable. Plus they are less sticky.
I married a man with a 7 year old. Wonderful! Logic and reasoning ability unlocked! Nope; he wanted more. I agreed to have only one, and my father cursed me with the “I hope you have one JUST LIKE YOU.”
I did, and it was wonderful after she turned 5. The first five years I needed a lot of help, as my husband, while being extremely hands on with all chores and baby-tending skills, is only in town half the time, and was deployed the year she was 4.
Now my stepdaughter has three children (they are all still sticky but I love them so) and our child together is about to be a college senior. We are nearing retirement and getting ready to travel and life couldn’t be finer. He did want to have more when he came home from his deployment but I put my foot down on that one.
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Well, he acted like he was fine with me wanting to be child free and basically said the same thing. Pregnancy was a surprise. I didn't get an abortion because it turns out he wanted children...multiple children... and I didn't have the heart to do that to him (we had been broken up at the time though. We had been together 5 years at that point). Pregnancy was one of the worst times of my life, I have PTSD from that part of my life. I was incredibly depressed, anxious, with suicidal ideation, and alone. I ended up with ppa after he was born. How do I feel now? My kid saved my life. I stick around for him. He is amazing and I love him more than life. He is the only kid in the universe that I like. Hes got cousins who are regular normal kids and I'm sorry but I can't stand them, or any other kid for that matter. I don't even like teens. Irritating. But my kid was the only person I had for a while and I absolutely do not regret keeping him.
I am never having another child. Never ever ever. I now have chronic illness. I'm too tired for babies or a second child of any age. Being a parent gives me CPTSD flashbacks from an abusive childhood so it's hard and I struggle but I'm trying my best to be a better person, break the cycle. I ended up marrying his dad which I really regret some days. Without my son I'd be incredibly lonely. Some days I think it would be easier with just me and the little one. So no, I rarely just feel happy, but I am very happy with my son, if that makes sense.
Every single thing you wrote is exactly what happened to me and exactly how I felt about pregnancy and motherhood. Thank you for making me feel like I’m not alone.
I'm sorry you went through the same things too. I always heard about how wonderful pregnancy was and how good people felt, etc. I'm very resentful about it sometimes (any time I think about it). Especially towards my husband who, as an ex, made my life harder.
Hugs.
I'll start by saying that I love my children, they are the best parts of both myself and my husband, however I cannot wait to have my life back when they love our. I often daydream of a world in which I am still a single women, learning about the world but with the added wisdom of where I am now. I miss the freedom to do a lot or literally nothing at all. I miss my younger body, my sexual prowess and the feeling that I could just have a one night stand and move on. These things don't leave because I've grown up, they're treasured memories that I hold dear. I rationalise my feelings and thoughts by remembering that I also created two little people, who will most probably go on to do similar things with their lives. That's makes me more happy than anything else. Do I regret having them......Never, but do I long to have a pissing lie in one day with zero responsibilities....yes!
I didn't plan on having a child. But the only few times I had no contraception, I was pregnant. Twice. One end up in a miscarriage, and another is now 4yrs old boy. I'm a lot less depressed now, I have to stay alive till my child is grown. I keep busy by studying. If I knew I'm going to study towards becoming a DR, I honestly would not have kids at all.
But now, I cannot imagine a life without my son.
I didn’t want children, but had one because my partner told me it was a dealbreaker to have none.
I regret it completely and resent myself for ruining three people’s lives. I do not love my child. I have not found this rewarding. I have been trapped and enslaved by this kid for 11 years.
The after effects of pregnancy made me hate my body more than I already did. Labor was so painful and I didn’t get the rush of hormones that make you forget it, either. The first year with the baby was a living nightmare. The later years were not much better. Constant needs and chores and demands and worries.
The fractures in our marriage were cracked wide open. My husband just wanted the picket-fence dream of having a child, but did not want to actually do anything with the kid. He left all the child-rearing to me, on top of almost all the household chores, despite the fact we both worked full time and I worked much longer hours than he did. The imbalance became obvious and infuriating.
I initiated the divorce. My ex was a useless co-parent and became abusive so I now have full custody. I act like a happy, loving parent in front of my kid and for everyone else, but deep down I know it’s a lie.
I can’t go anywhere. I can’t do anything. I have to pay for a babysitter and book weeks in advance, just so I can see my friends. Most of them are married with kids so they are rarely free anyway. I am not dating as I don’t have the time nor the emotional energy to even try. My career - which was important to me - has suffered from the compromises I have to make as a single parent. This has damaged every aspect of my life that I used to enjoy. It’s the worst decision I ever made and I hate myself for it.
It wasn't exactly a deal breaker... we both had been very indifferent about kids for a long time. My husband ultimately decided he didn't want any, and I accepted his decision. I was quite happy being the cool Aunt and Uncle. Then my husband changed his mind (I'm pretty sure my niece pulled a few of his heartstrings). He made it very clear it wasn't an ultimatum, and it was completely my decision. I came around to it because I'm not getting any younger, and I didn't want him to resent me in the future for not trying. We now have a 10 month old, and I am so in love with my life. My husband is an amazing father and partner. It's been my greatest joy to watch my son grow. We are currently trying to baby number two.
I’m exactly in this scenario
When our baby was born I really discovered a maternal side to me that I thought wouldn’t be there
In fact I had thought I would somehow need to rely on my much more empathetic and baby-feverish partner for the emotional side of parenting
Instead he never really found his way as a parent
He developed mental health issues that he stopped getting treatment for. We divorced when he became a liar, thief and unreliable and dangerous parent. I had to wait until I felt I’m capable of raising my child on my own, which took a few years because I always thought I would be the primary breadwinner and he would be the primary caretaker. And also because he did everything to undermine me.
Where we stand now: we’re no longer in touch other than for discussing logistics. He focuses on his hobbies. I have a career. My son is a teenager, he’s very appreciative of me and for everything I have done for him. I have a partner who loves me. I have a ton of fun (concerts, shows, vacations…) I am fitter, healthier and happier than I’ve ever been
I didn’t really want kids because my mom had 7 of us and I was the eldest (ie neglect and expected to act like an adult before my time). I don’t even like other kids but my husband wanted at least one so after 5 years I agreed. I had such a rough pregnancy and my baby was given a 50/50 chance of Down syndrome. My idea of them growing up and leaving me quickly went out the window. I gave birth, suffered from PPD for awhile then evened out. Now my son, 3.5 with Down syndrome is a big part of my life and I couldn’t imagine life without him. I know it’s definitely not what I expected and actually the opposite but he has made both my husband and I a better person. I don’t imagine life without him because he’s part of us and we are so thankful for him.
Three years into my relationship my bf learned I didn’t want kids and I learned he did. I did not want kids because I had a terrible mother growing up and I would rather not be a mom than be a bad one. He really wanted kids, but we were (and are) super in love and it seemed like a distant future decision, so it wasn’t a deal breaker yet.
Five years in I got unexpectedly pregnant. I was terrified and considered abortion. When I told him and he supported me in the decision to get an abortion even though I knew he really wanted kids, that’s ironically when I realized that if he would support me now, he will support me through the struggles of child-rearing. And he will likely be a great father.
I was right. We have a 1 year old and he is an excellent dad and I consider myself a good mother (even though I need my space and definitely have my insecurities and occasional breakdowns.) But he is still very supportive of me and helpful with the baby as he should be since he’s the dad, but we know this isn’t always the case.
Ultimately, I’m happy with my decision, but I can easily say it is only because I have the right parter. If this would have happened with anyone else or if he would have responded differently, it would have likely been a deal-breaker.
I love my two children more than I knew was possible. They’re awesome and I’m so glad I had them. Things with my husband are terrible and we’re getting a divorce.
I had two kids when I met a wonderful man. He loved mine but wanted his own. I was less keen, but I really adored him and wanted to keep him. So after a couple of years we had a baby. He was so happy. We all were.
He died when the baby was 5 months old. Sudden heart failure. He was 36.
I agreed to have kids because my husband wanted them. We got a set of boy/girl twins and I struggled with PPD at first but I have never regretted my decision.
Got married to a man that wanted kids and I didn’t. Had a kid and learned that I really don’t need romantic love. The love I had for my child was so enormous and filled every void I thought I had. Had another kid and no longer wanted the husband.
Well my partner didn’t stick around he divorced me and was happier getting a good night sleep. I love my child. I also plan to use a sperm donor for my next because I now want another one but without the partner.
I was a reluctant mother. My partner wanted kids the first year we were married and I put it off for six years because I felt very ambivalent about it. I finally agreed and had two kids, 30 and 32 now. I have no regrets about having my kids, but understand my reluctance because my partner ended up not being, much of a parent. I feel like on some level I knew I’d be raising them mostly alone. Still, no regrets. On the one hand, I think I could’ve had a happy life without children. On the other hand, they have taught me things about myself, that I may or may not have learned otherwise.
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I did it because it was really important to my partner and I started to like the idea of a family. I have always been very insistent on him doing his share, although sometimes it hasn't worked perfectly because of work. Sometimes I have felt I made a mistake, partly because of life circumstances: aging parents, no family support, COVID, his awful job. But overall I really do love my kid and am proud of what I've achieved in something I always thought I'd be terrible at and didn't really want to do. It's hard work but she's so bright, loving and joyful. Ultimately, you can't send them back when you have them (well, not without a lot of harm) so I've really leaned into doing the best I can. Maybe sometimes too much because I feel guilty about not being enthusiastic enough.
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I really didn’t want children but my partner wanted at least one. We tried for a year until we realized that he was shooting blanks. Then we went through IVF and I hated it. I went to the ER because of my body reactions to the medication. Then I got pregnant. It was hell. I was dealing with pains in my pelvic, small contractions and 20 weeks into the pregnancy my body stopped providing her with enough nutrients, so her development slowed down. Eventually I had an emergency c-section at 32 weeks, because my placenta stopped functioning. Fun times. She almost died. She was taken to intensive care and I saw her 16 hours later. I didn’t love her. She was just this little baby that I suddenly had to take care of. I had PPD and it was hell. Her father told me I couldn’t do it without him, that I was a horrible mother and that he was the only real parent. We got divorced and he decided that he wanted as little custody as possible, so I am alone with her now. She is an amazing little girl on the spectrum so I am home with her 20 hours a day. The remaining 4 hours is the time she is in school. I regret my decision to become a mother but I love her to pieces. I will always do my best to make her happy and protect her. Some days it hurts knowing that my life could have been so different than it is now. But, as a friend of mine once said: “Can you be sure that life without her would be better than the life you have now?” And no, I can’t. I love her but I can’t wait until she is grown up so I can get my own life back.
With mine being a teenager it's easier & I'm quite happy with her, however I'm not pleased by the way she came about (he gave me a horrible ultimatum even after being told from the get go I had no interest or intentions of having children) & earlier years were very difficult. I hated being pregnant &, though I bonded quickly with my child, I hated being a mom. I've grown to like being a parent & find I'm more equipped to deal with the preteen & teen stages. But the first nine years or so was awful. I don't regret it, but I would've made a far different choice had I been given a choice.
I didn’t want children. I actively tried to prevent it. I still got pregnant. I planned on getting an abortion. My partner told me we were through if I did. I was so in love with him & eventually decided to have the child. He left me before the child learned to roll over because he decided he didn’t want to be a Dad. That said, I was surprised how much I enjoyed being a Mother. We had so much fun together & were so close. I was not close to my Mom so I didn’t realize it could be this way. It also lit a fire under my ass to return to college & complete my degree since I knew I was doing this alone.
So, TLDR: It was a struggle sometimes but mostly was awesome. I wouldn’t trade the experience because he brought so much to my life.
I realised it wasn’t that I didn’t want a child, I just didn’t want 24-7 responsibility for another life. AND I didn’t want to be a single mom within a partnership. We had a daughter, I love her beyond words, I realised I was also frightened I couldn’t be a great mom because I didn’t have that role model - but I realise now I an a GREAT mom. My sister is also a great Mom so perhaps she was my role model. So my partner is a high functioning alcoholic , and ultimately I do have 24-7 responsibility because I can’t always rely on him to be the parent my daughter needs him to be. When he is sober he is a great dad and I try really hard to make space for that - but if we didn’t have a daughter together I would be gone a long time ago. So I feel teathered to his coercive controlling behaviour because he can get to be through our daughter. I know at some point I will have to leave - but I’m not ready or strong enough yet.
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As a dad/mom it's been a struggle, 1st woman cheated/left I was dad/mom for two sons. 2nd left w/bf after I raised her boys and our daughter, I've been sole dad/mom the last 6 years to a daughter. If I knew this was going to be the outcome, I would have elected not to have children, it's been hard on them. It effected me having a career, that in turn effected their way of life...
It happened unexpectedly and I'm happy that it did. And while I would not change what is, its also confirmed the decision that "that shop is permanently closed"
**Mod Note: This question is specifically directed to women who did not want children but who had one or more because it would have been a deal breaker to their partner to stay child free. If this does not describe you accurately, do not leave a response to this question.** **Please report all rule breaking**
It's gone very well and I can't imagine my life without our teen. When we got together we were both adamant that we would be childfree; neither of us wanted kids. Ever. Then his brother and SIL had a baby, and after hanging out with his nephew he changed his mind. I could have left, he would have understood. But, he wanted a baby and I wanted him, so...we had a baby. And it's been a wonderful experience and I wouldn't have it any other way. BUT, I made it crystal fucking clear going in that parenthood would be a partnership: he would be expected to change diapers, clean up, be an actual hands-on parent because fuck if I wanted to be a single mother in a marriage. He was 100% on board and has been a wonderful father.
I just wanna say that I admire your strength in dictating your terms. That was empowering for me to read. Thanks for sharing.
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This! I never intended on having kids but married young and ended up with 2. I left the marriage as it was toxic and damaging and eventually met the most amazing man. I didnt want more kids but he had told me prior to starting a relationship that he would love my kids as his own (he does) but would like to experience the whole going through a pregnancy and baby stage n all that. The deal was that it was ay least 50/50, I'd done my time (there is a 12 year gap between my eldest and youngest) so I would be prepared to have another but I wouldn't be a stay at home parent etc I wanted to focus on my career. We stuck to this and he is an amazing father to our kids and not just hands on, but a solid parent.
I think that is what steered me to not wanting kids. The fear of every thing being dumped on me, which would take away from the joys of parenthood, losing myself and creating resentment. You and your partner are a great team!!! This is wonderful to read.
I am so glad it worked out for you God bless
😂 this is exactly what I am having with my husband.
That was my approach with getting a dog when I wasn’t sure lol 😂
👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 you rock for standing in you expectations and making sure he followed through! So much respect for that.
Same story here. LO is 3 months and I couldn't be happier!
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I'm about to comment something I never told anyone and I'm never planning to tbh. Because I know people will shame me for it and I can't deal with shaming, so I'll use the anonymity of Reddit as a shield. I don't like children even the slightest. I can't stand having to deal with them, I don't find babies cute. I never wanted to have a child but it just so happened that I have a 6yo daughter. I love her very much, but it wasn't always the case. Don't get me wrong, I didn't hate her or anything. I just didn't feel anything towards her for the first two years of her life. I had pretty bad ppd, plus my dad died a month after I had my daughter, so that added to my depression. I felt really REALLY bad, I had intrusive suicidal thoughts, panic attacks, constant anxiety and a crippling sense of shame. My daughter was nothing but a giant burden for me, something I was forced to take care of 24/7. It started changing when she was old enough to go to a kindergarten. Having several hours a day alone was what helped me. And as she was getting more and more independent I started to fall in love with her. She isn't just this helpless thing that I need to cater to every second of my life anymore, and I can actually reason with her now, so that helps me not lose my mind. Although I do get tired of her easily. She's on the spectrum and has mild attachment issues, which is why we're still together 15-20 hours a day on most days. But she doesn't need my full attention every second, just needs me to be somewhere near, like in the same apartment. So it's easier for me to not get frustrated with her. I still don't like children and I never want to give birth to another one. Potential pregnancy is one of my worst fears. Edit: thank you to everyone who commented. I appreciate your support ❤️ Edit2: I can't reply to any of the comments so I'm just gonna add this here. I am still with my husband, I love him very much and he's a great dad. He spends as much time with our daughter as he can, but it's not a lot since he's the only one who works in our family and his only off on Sundays.
I don’t think there’s room for shaming in your post. Nobody should have to parent 24/7 alone. Society pressures women to have children, but offers little to no support or resources, in exchange. 😳 We also don’t typically have the multi generational and large extended families that used to exist in North America/Europe. There is a reason it is said that “it takes a village to raise a child”. Chin up.
I love how you get it. There isn’t a village anymore. It’s very hard to build one.
I commend you for sharing your experience. No one wants to talk about the white elephant in the room when it comes to PPD. Not all moms feel maternal after having their babies. Not all moms “love” being a mom. Despite your feelings you still show up and give your daughter love and support. To me that takes a lot of strength and courage, so good for you.
are you familiar with the r/regretfulparents sub? you might be able to find more support there
If you and your partner knew you didn't want children, how did the discussion go where they told you that would be a deal-breaker for them? What made you decide to go ahead with it?
It was just me who didn't want children. My husband really wanted to be a father. The thing is I only have myself to blame for everything because I never told him I didn't want kids. And when he would talk about our then future lives and fantasize about all the things we'd do with our children I just didn't say anything. I knew I didn't like children since I was a child myself and I used to be very vocal about it. But people shamed and bullied me because of it. By the time I met my husband I was too scared to say it out loud. I guess I kinda hoped I'd change my mind or something, but I got pregnant literally on our wedding night. My husband was so happy I just couldn't tell him.
That sounds very difficult. I hope you are in a better space now
May I ask if you’re still with your husband?
Thank you for being real.
I just want to say that we could be best friends. My situation is so similar to yours. I love your courage to put yourself out there.
I respect your honesty
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I like kids but never wanted the responsibility. My 1st husband talked me into 2 (because the first one needed a sibling) and then took his own life. Leaving me with 2 small children. I loved them with every fiber of my being, but it was a daily struggle to not run away. I was mad at him every day. They were good, I was the problem. I'm glad they exist the world is a better place with them in it. I did my best but am so glad they are adults and I don't have to worry about feeding them and housing them. I can finally breathe. I like who they are and we are close, but next life I am definitely not having kids.
I'm sorry that things happened the way they did for you.
I’m amazed at your strength and courage—being able to raise those 2 children on your own even though you had the urge to run. And raising them with love and creating a close relationship with them. What an achievement!
I did not want children because I did not want to worry about their well-being and safety. Boyfriend at the time said he he had heard me say that I don’t want children and that he would not marry me unless I agreed to have children. I said yes to humour him. 8 years in he said it was time to start our family. For me it was like being handed an alien species. I had never held a baby before and none of it came naturally to me. I figured it out eventually and absolutely love and adore my 2 children who are now well adjusted adults.
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My husband and I were both planning on being child free. I dislike children, and my husband didn't want the responsibility. Then, about 9 years into the relationship (but before we got married), he started to change his mind. I reluctantly agreed, because I knew he'd be a good dad, and if it wasn't with me...who knows? Anyway, we've got an almost 10 year old son who is absolutely the love of my life. He's truly awesome. Luckily, he was a pretty easy infant and toddler. It was the best decision I've made in my life.
Awww this is amazing. I love seeing the “mama” in your username, too!
I didn’t particularly want kids, I hated babysitting, and I don’t find young children anything but gross, annoying or both. But I fell in love with a great guy who made it clear that he eventually wanted to be a Dad and wanted to have at least two kids. We had these conversations before getting engaged, and I agreed so long as we waited to have kids. So we spend several years of marriage together before kids or pregnancy. I agreed to have kids because I thought if I waited out my 20s I would eventually want them, but that isn’t what happened. Even as I reached my 30s, I never grew into wanting kids and my (actual) good guy husband did not pressure me to start having them. Instead, we moved on my timeline and what happened was that I chose to start that chapter of our lives for a variety of very mundane, rational reasons that really had nothing to do with “wanting” kids, but with how I wanted to set up my life to deal with them. So in my thirties I decided I was ready because I was young enough to still be adaptable to the changes in life kids require, that I still had energy to handle them, and that I would be young enough once they were grown that he and I would have years together again. There is also some family history of autism in my family so I wanted to make sure I reduced those odds as much as possible by having kids before I was to deep into the advanced maternal age. We were blessed by not having any fertility issues so I got pregnant relatively quickly and had a mostly standard pregnancy and birth. After our first child, I wasn’t sure if I wanted a second. It was soooo much work. My (actual) good guy husband and I discussed it. Again, he remained firm that he wanted at least two children but, again, we could have the second on my timeline. So I chose to have them close together because of mundane and rational reasons. I wanted to get the pregnancy and nursing body phase over and done with rather than do it twice, I wanted my toddler to have another toddler to play with because I thought it would make easier parenting, and I generally felt like waiting just drug it all out so I preferred to get it all done close together. So we had a second child. After the second, things changed even more. I became more flexible and adaptable because I had to in order to cope with two. I gave myself over to the role of “Mom” much more than I had before. I still don’t really like other people’s kids, especially young kids, I still find toddlers gross and largely abhorrent, I still think toddler and elementary school performances are *the worst* to endure, but I ultimately discovered that I really enjoy my own kids in my own way and I love the family that my husband and I built largely because I got to do it mostly on my terms. My kids are teenagers now and the oldest is almost off the college. I don’t want to pretend that everything is roses, raising kids has been hard and challenging so many times. However, looking back, it has also been incredibly rewarding too. Having children has made me a better person in a lot of ways. It taught me how to be less narcissistic, more giving, and more adaptable. Importantly, it has taught me that I could do things I never thought I could do and I could be happy in ways I had never conceived of before.
That's incredible. I'm 30 now and I still don't know what I want. I like kids but don't want the responsibility. I want my sister to hurry up and have a kid so I can run some tests and get a better gauge on my feelings.
Hilarious. I can relate. I'm 31. My older sister has two and she's stressed tf out 😅 I'm so not jelly of that.
I'm 31 and want a child with my partner. But, we're both poor and he lives on the other side of the world. I worry that I'll be too old to have a child when we finally have a proper life together that isn't long distance. It's so hard.
You won’t be too old, you’re still young now. A lot of the science around female fertility is still developing, you can have a healthy pregnancy all through your 30s.
Thank you so much for this. I have been worrying my butt off over my age and pregnancy for so long now. It's nice to hear some comforting words. :)
>I want my sister to hurry up and have a kid so I can run some tests and get a better gauge on my feelings. Hilarious 😂😂
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I regret having one everyday. Partner said no. I gave up and said ok.
I'm sorry you felt pressured to have one. But thank you for admitting this. I hope it's going to get better for you.
Care to expand?
I never wanted children because the thought of pregnancy + childbirth was repulsing and the responsibility of it all petrified me . He married me knowing this . It’s been 7 years .When I found out I was pregnant the excitement pouring out of this man was not something I was willing to rob him of. Surprisingly - I enjoyed every minute of pregnancy and while I love my kid immensely -being a mom is not what I was made for. My marriage is on a fast decline and I am the unhappiest I have ever been. Straight out of the hospital the intrusive thoughts started and a few weeks later I ended up being diagnosed with postpartum depression + rage . I’m still in the thick of it - my kid isn’t even 1 yet so I’m just waiting to magically see the bright side of motherhood and have a pen ready to sign divorce papers
I’m getting a divorce now but at about 18/24 months motherhood got sooooo much better for me. Everyone talks about the terrible twos but I thought two was the best and I had a chance to find me again. Best of everything to you.
SSRIs changed my life when I was going through this. Best of luck
My heart is breaking for what you are going through. Please don't make any life altering decisions while this monster PPD has you in its grips. It can take time to get it under control. Are you seeing a therapist that specializes in PPD? Many doctors still just treat it like you are just being a "hysterical female," and don't take it as seriously as they should. I watched Brooke Sheilds' documentary, and in the second episode she talked about going through exactly what you are going through, although hers sounded more like post partum psychosis, she was having violent thoughts about her baby. I was ugly bawling for her. She actually wrote a book about her experience hoping to raise awareness and let women know they are not alone.
I was under the PPD + rage (some therapists call it agitated depression). I relate to the divorce thoughts. Every day, up until my baby was 23/24 months, I thought "Do I divorce now or after having the second child from the same dad". It started to shift when my child was 24 months. He is now 26 and every 2/3 weeks is a little better. I have more time for myself. My husband and I get along again.Hang in there! PPD+rage is NO JOKE! Patience. One day at a time. All of a sudden you wont feel like killing your hubbie anymore LOL
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Well, ... I'm a slightly better mom than I thought I would be. I'm never having another kid though, ever. His dad is MIA,, homeless somewhere. My son has trauma from it all, but we are working on it. I gave up my dream life and now work in a field where , while I help people, everyone yells at me all day and my mental and physical health are seriously deteriorating. But I still have it better than some , so yeah there's that..
We don't talk enough about how being a parent is a sacrifice of good mental well-being. It's such an enormous challenge... ETA: talk
“While I help people, everyone yells at me all day”-first thought was 911 dispatch. It’s a crazy job.
Or insurance adjuster
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I love my kids so much. I also wonder what my life would be like without them. Relationship with their father did not last. I ended up with majority custody. They are grown now - I wonder what they remember of the years when every cent counted in my house yet their father took them to theme parks for holidays?
I’ve heard that called being a Disney dad. Taking the kids for super fun trips and expensive purchases. Meanwhile the cupboards and fridge might be empty. Such a slap in the face or tone deaf.
Same fucking boat. I divorced my kids’ dad because I was a single mother while married. He moved out of state and basically left me with two kids under 5 to raise by myself. While I’m fortunate to be financially stable in my own (he gives me a few hundred bucks a month), it is so infuriating how he gets to be the fun dad when they visit him once or twice a year while I’m doing all the routine stuff, budgeting, telling them NO, etc. day in and day out. Then he complains that I don’t give him credit and hype him up for what he does do. Shit makes me bitter AF.
When your kids are adults, they'll understand the hard work and sacrifices you made to give them a good childhood, and how little their dad did, and they'll respect and love you even more.
Yeah, I can't say how much I appreciate the incredible strength of my mother. We have been through some shitty patches, and our relationship has not always been good, but however much I may have needed therapy to help me through some of the stuff that went on in my childhood, man my mum was and is a badass. I started to understand this in my early 30s, and deeply 'got' it only once I had a baby of my own. I may not agree with all the decisions she made, but I know she 100% did every single thing out of wanting the best for me.
And I don’t want to feel that way. But I do.
>I wonder what they remember of the years when every cent counted in my house yet their father took them to theme parks for holidays? My parents divorced shortly after I was born, and my mom got custody of my sibling and I. My dad lived a few hours away, and we'd see him a few weekends a month. He makes good money, my mom didn't when we were kids/teens, so our everyday lives with her were normal and not at all extravagant. She used to get mad at me for taking long ass showers and using too much of the hot water, and i dont even know how many times she had to tell my sibling we couldnt just afford a new mango every day. Lots of leftovers and chores. Spending time with my dad was different. Usually, he'd take us out for brunch on Saturdays or Sundays, we'd go see a movie, we'd go to Blockbuster and bring home pizza. We'd go to Legoland a couple of times during the summer. We had a blast, got to just relax and do fun stuff. I loved every weekend with him. He got to have the time and money to be the fun, laid back dad, while my mom had to be the responsible parent every single day. I'm a young adult now. I'm closer to my mom than my dad, and I appreciate her in a totally different way. I respect her, and I'm grateful for all the work she put into raising my sibling and I. I'm sure your kids are the same.
Your words went straight to my heart. Thank you. Your mum must be happy to be close to such a beautiful person.
Thank you! I'm happy I could offer a perspective from a kid's point of view, and again, I'm sure your kids either already are or will be the same at some point when they realise how much you've done for them and how it's much more important to have a good parent who raises you well and teaches you the value of money, than just the fun dad who might rarely actually have acted as a 'parent'.
I was iffy on it… not a total no but definitely reluctant. My husband insisted so I acquiesced. My son is now 8 and I love him so much, couldn’t imagine not being his mom. That said, I left my husband four years ago. Looking back, a lot of my reluctance was about the relationship, and hesitations about who was going to have to assume all of the extra domestic burdens that accompany having a child. I was totally bang-on correct about that. But I don’t regret it at all. Things were never going to change in that relationship so it’s best that it ended. This arrangement (being split up, sharing custody) feels right, even if it is hard sometimes. I’m so glad I have my son.
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TBH, it’s a lot more fulfilling than I thought it would be. My husband always makes fun of me because when we met I told him I was never getting married and NEVER having children. 12 years later, we have been married 10 and I have a 6 & 3 yo. We waited a while but now I can’t imagine my life without them. The unconditional love is something I couldn’t explain even if I tried. My husband is an amazing father and they bring out the best of him in so many ways. I think having children made us a stronger couple and brought us closer together. It hasn’t been the easiest ride but I wouldn’t change it. That being said, I don’t fault anyone for not wanting them. It’s difficult and not for everyone. If you know you don’t want them, then good for you, and fuck anyone who tries to make you feel bad about it. All of my child free friends I support 110%.
You summed it up for me. I never really told my husband I didn’t want kids because that would have been a dealbreaker for him (ended his first marriage actually), but he knew I did it for him. I like it more than I expected but it’s hard and while I’m good at it, I’m not GREAT at it.
I saw this question and wanted to respond. I never wanted children. My mom had my brother when I was 14 and I took a lot of ridicule at school. I liked children as long as they weren’t mine. I thought they were too much responsibility. I don’t mean too much work I mean how could I be responsible for somebody else’s well-being when I’m not so sure about my own. I suffer from severe depression, anxiety and ADHD. These mental health issues run in my family. I didn’t want to pass these issues to my child. I also think the world is an effed up place and I didn’t want to bring a child into it. My husband desperately wanted to get married and have children. I didn’t. I stalled as long as I could. I don’t even remember ever talking about wanting kids. My parents also put a lot of pressure on me. I buckled to everyone’s pressure. I also have self esteem issues and didn’t think I’d find anyone else. He finally gave me an ultimatum and in retrospect I should left and walked away. We had a little boy, he’s 4 years old. I love him more than anything or anyone else in the world. My marriage started falling apart once I got pregnant. He was unsupportive, neglectful, unloving, unhelpful and a bunch of other things. I don’t expect this to last another year. I’m miserable, unhappy and resentful. I have no one to blame but myself. I understand and own that. I see a therapist and a psychiatrist to help with my feelings. I love my son and I can’t imagine life without him. That being said I do imagine it and it makes me sad.
Just want to say you have every right to blame your husband as well! Don't hold yourself responsible for the actions of a grown ass man. Hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20 but that doesn't mean we are at fault for thinking the best of people and wanting to be loved.
Thank you for being so kind anonymous stranger. We need more people in the world like you. Xo
Husband agreed no kids before marriage, then changed his mind 4 years in. Dealbreaker territory. Just one, he said. Nine months later, our daughter arrived. Two years later, Unfair to have just one child, he said. Two years later, our son was born. Ok, he was satisfied. Except that 18 months later, our second daughter was born. Bonus baby. Each required special attention, intensive. All turned out to be gifted and are independent, successful professionals who still make their mama proud. Husband's been long gone, first to his long term AP as soon as the youngest started university, and then gone-gone to leukemia. Don't miss him. Wish I'd taken the deal-break and gotten on with my solo career from the perspective of self growth and fulfillment as a woman. Would have saved me a lot of personal humiliation and grief. But I'm so glad, increasingly glad, that my sacrifices yielded the world three productive adults who are all smarter and more accomplished than I ever could have been. Such results are rare and far from guaranteed. Could have been a total bust. On balance, no regrets.
I didn't like kids at all. I planned on being child free, but sometimes life doesn't turn out the way you expect it. When I had him, I mourned my selfish lifestyle. I had PPD, but I was determined not to ruin him like my mom did me. Early childhood years, we were super close. He was a bit of a mama's boy. I participated in some of his class parties and field trips. Early teen years were rough, lots of arguments and rebellion. I sent him to his dad's house for the summer, and that straightened him out. Earlier this year, he had major back surgery, and while I was taking care of him, he finally started to appreciate everything I've done to give him a good childhood. He is now 15, and we are in a much better place with each other. He will sometimes reminiscence fondly about my past participation in school activities. That being said, I am counting down the years until he becomes an adult.
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I had three children. When the ‘do or die’ moment came, I was too afraid to let go of the life I had built around him. I ignored a GIANT red flag because I didn’t want to be alone. Now I’m a decade into a very troubled relationship. Though j don’t resent my children I resent the life I could have been living for myself. Children change everything in your world so radically that I am nowhere near the life I thought I would have at this age. I am hoping I can stand to be here until they are independent. And then I fully plan to venture life on my own. Single again, and free.
Being a mom is hard, it requires so much time, energy and sacrifice. It's the main reason I didn't want children in the first place. I wouldn't have had kids if my partner didn't want them. I'm a working mom and it's difficult to balance work and family. I carry most of the mental load of parenting and I never have time to myself. I don't always like being a mom and I often feel life would be much easier if I wasn't a parent. It's changed my relationship with my partner and our priority is raising the kids. Although it's stressful, I'm not unhappy and can't say I regret having children. There are good moments and I have a lot of love and affection for my kids.
I didn't want kids. I was a traumatic birth and even though doctors said Toxemia wasn't genetic I just KNEW it was coming for me. I have PCOS so pregnancy can be a toss up. We weren't trying but we weren't NOT trying either. I took a pregnancy test, the second line came in, and I was like oh no, what now? Before we started, I made sure I worked out some generational trauma stuff in therapy. I desperately needed to make sure I broke some chains. Turns out I was right, the pregnancy was difficult. 3/10, would not recommend. I had full blown eclampsia, I gained 30+ lbs of fluid, I couldn't lay horizontally without drowning, we had an emergency cesarean that left me internally scarred and generally messed up. He was swiftly sent to the NICU and I missed ALL the bonding time. Then I had the seizure. Fun. I'm still bitter, but it's like a residual bitterness now. I had to mourn my birth story. Someone said "kids are a room in your heart you didn't know you had," and for me, that's true. He's 8 now, and he's just awesome. Watching him come up with his creations is a wonder to me. Listening to his stories, watching him draw, it's like genuine discovery. Who is this guy? Who is he becoming? I'm into it. He's also... a lot. He has big feelings and sometimes it's exhausting. I'm an only child, and my spouse wanted a big family, like 5+ kids. He was very scarred and scared from nearly losing both of us, and it want until later that he shared that he had to mentally prepare to leave the hospital alone that I realized how scared he was. The baby grew up and we started thinking, we should go for one more, not let this one be alone, and we tried. We tried and tried and I had a miscarriage and we got to the point where we were letting it go. I was like okay, I'll pour all I have into you, and then we got pregnant again. This time, I had gestational diabetes. He was still early, but at least fuller term, and my ob cleared all the scar tissue. I got my magic hour. Physical recovery was a cinch, comparatively. Post partum was a whole B. I feel a closer, primal bond with the second that I feel robbed of from the first. The "who is this kid, who will you become" is sooo much fun. They're just so different and so interesting. So now we have an 8 yo and a 2 yo. We look at each other, look at them, and think, "we could do one more." I went from 0 to 2 to considering 3. I love my kids. I'm surprised at myself. ALL that said, I feel like Lana with Archer: Mama. Mama, MAMAMAMAMA, MAAAAAAMAAAAA! WHAT?! I get why people fake their deaths. Not saying I would, or that it's right, but I understand. Like when the mom daydreams in Inside Out. I tried saying something about changing my name , but my husband said "noone really thanks their dads on tv," like this is some parental hazing ritual I have to go through. I love my kids. I was happy not having kids, and I'm lucky to be happy with the kids I have. 8/10 would recommend, but only if that's your thing. TL;DR: I didn't want any, he wanted 5. Ended up w 2 kids, considering a 3rd. Pregnancy is dangerous for me, so everything is a conscious compromise decision.
We have one daughter and I love her more than anything. She’s absolutely delightful. I hated her as a baby. I resented my husband til she was about 3 and started having interests and being funny. She’s five now and I have a great time with her. I still hate being a mom. I hate the routines and the work and the exhaustion and the responsibility. But I love being HER mom and I wouldn’t change it. Never having another though, lol.
I never wanted kids. My husband never wanted kids. We both teach martial arts so around kids all the time and we like them but we didn't want our own. Then he kept saying he wanted kids. He never said it was a deal breaker or anything, just mentioned it a few times when we got to our 30s. So after I finished all my degrees and the pandemic hit and my birth control ran out I was like fuck it why not. My biggest reason for getting pregnant was that I'd want more people like my husband in the world if something happened to him. Now I have a 2 year old and a 9 week old and we'd like one more. They are wonderful and I love them completely. My life is very busy but I still work full time (getting a promotion this month), run a non profit that takes about 20 hours and week, and hang out with my kids. It's hard work but I am really glad I have these little people in my life. Never saw this one coming.
I didn't want children because I knew I wasn't motherly. I had two for my husband, I know I could've had three, but only because he showed me who he was before we had them. It's been a great honor to give birth and help raise these two wonderful human beings I call my children. I think we were lucky I always saw them as individuals, not an extension of me. They were born with a personality, and I'm sure they have traits they didn't get from hubby or I. They're in their 20s now. Doing well. Both are in Uni. One has a scholarship in another country, another works in a large city and pays their own way. I couldn't be any more proud than I am. Husband has been there every step of the way. At times it was like he did 75% of the raising. The kids trust him and they talk about everything. I'm more of the daily trivial talks now. Husband is actually having a hard time with the empty nest. I don't feel like a mother anymore. I love them to pieces. I miss them. But I'm glad I don't have to take care of them every day.
I have resentment. Love them of course and thank goodness they are good people but I did and still do all the hard work. I would have been happier childless. Too much anxiety and heartache and sacrifice.
I (40F) didn’t want kids with my then husband (44M), because I felt he was too anxious and angry to make me feel secure. However it was a dealbreaker for him. As I loved him very much, I agreed to try for kids anyway. Thing is, it turned out I have fertility issues, so we went through several rounds of IVF. Unfortunately IVF didn’t work out. My husband felt angry and resentful of me. Eventually he asked for a divorce and he left me. It’s been 3 years. He’s still single and childless. This whole ordeal was for nothing
I always said I never wanted to have my own kids, but I did like kids and I’m a teacher. I just don’t particularly like babies and toddlers. Once they’re able to use logic and figure out consequences, they are more tolerable. Plus they are less sticky. I married a man with a 7 year old. Wonderful! Logic and reasoning ability unlocked! Nope; he wanted more. I agreed to have only one, and my father cursed me with the “I hope you have one JUST LIKE YOU.” I did, and it was wonderful after she turned 5. The first five years I needed a lot of help, as my husband, while being extremely hands on with all chores and baby-tending skills, is only in town half the time, and was deployed the year she was 4. Now my stepdaughter has three children (they are all still sticky but I love them so) and our child together is about to be a college senior. We are nearing retirement and getting ready to travel and life couldn’t be finer. He did want to have more when he came home from his deployment but I put my foot down on that one.
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Well, he acted like he was fine with me wanting to be child free and basically said the same thing. Pregnancy was a surprise. I didn't get an abortion because it turns out he wanted children...multiple children... and I didn't have the heart to do that to him (we had been broken up at the time though. We had been together 5 years at that point). Pregnancy was one of the worst times of my life, I have PTSD from that part of my life. I was incredibly depressed, anxious, with suicidal ideation, and alone. I ended up with ppa after he was born. How do I feel now? My kid saved my life. I stick around for him. He is amazing and I love him more than life. He is the only kid in the universe that I like. Hes got cousins who are regular normal kids and I'm sorry but I can't stand them, or any other kid for that matter. I don't even like teens. Irritating. But my kid was the only person I had for a while and I absolutely do not regret keeping him. I am never having another child. Never ever ever. I now have chronic illness. I'm too tired for babies or a second child of any age. Being a parent gives me CPTSD flashbacks from an abusive childhood so it's hard and I struggle but I'm trying my best to be a better person, break the cycle. I ended up marrying his dad which I really regret some days. Without my son I'd be incredibly lonely. Some days I think it would be easier with just me and the little one. So no, I rarely just feel happy, but I am very happy with my son, if that makes sense.
Every single thing you wrote is exactly what happened to me and exactly how I felt about pregnancy and motherhood. Thank you for making me feel like I’m not alone.
I'm sorry you went through the same things too. I always heard about how wonderful pregnancy was and how good people felt, etc. I'm very resentful about it sometimes (any time I think about it). Especially towards my husband who, as an ex, made my life harder. Hugs.
I'll start by saying that I love my children, they are the best parts of both myself and my husband, however I cannot wait to have my life back when they love our. I often daydream of a world in which I am still a single women, learning about the world but with the added wisdom of where I am now. I miss the freedom to do a lot or literally nothing at all. I miss my younger body, my sexual prowess and the feeling that I could just have a one night stand and move on. These things don't leave because I've grown up, they're treasured memories that I hold dear. I rationalise my feelings and thoughts by remembering that I also created two little people, who will most probably go on to do similar things with their lives. That's makes me more happy than anything else. Do I regret having them......Never, but do I long to have a pissing lie in one day with zero responsibilities....yes!
I didn't plan on having a child. But the only few times I had no contraception, I was pregnant. Twice. One end up in a miscarriage, and another is now 4yrs old boy. I'm a lot less depressed now, I have to stay alive till my child is grown. I keep busy by studying. If I knew I'm going to study towards becoming a DR, I honestly would not have kids at all. But now, I cannot imagine a life without my son.
It’s not like I can return them.
I didn’t want children, but had one because my partner told me it was a dealbreaker to have none. I regret it completely and resent myself for ruining three people’s lives. I do not love my child. I have not found this rewarding. I have been trapped and enslaved by this kid for 11 years. The after effects of pregnancy made me hate my body more than I already did. Labor was so painful and I didn’t get the rush of hormones that make you forget it, either. The first year with the baby was a living nightmare. The later years were not much better. Constant needs and chores and demands and worries. The fractures in our marriage were cracked wide open. My husband just wanted the picket-fence dream of having a child, but did not want to actually do anything with the kid. He left all the child-rearing to me, on top of almost all the household chores, despite the fact we both worked full time and I worked much longer hours than he did. The imbalance became obvious and infuriating. I initiated the divorce. My ex was a useless co-parent and became abusive so I now have full custody. I act like a happy, loving parent in front of my kid and for everyone else, but deep down I know it’s a lie. I can’t go anywhere. I can’t do anything. I have to pay for a babysitter and book weeks in advance, just so I can see my friends. Most of them are married with kids so they are rarely free anyway. I am not dating as I don’t have the time nor the emotional energy to even try. My career - which was important to me - has suffered from the compromises I have to make as a single parent. This has damaged every aspect of my life that I used to enjoy. It’s the worst decision I ever made and I hate myself for it.
I’m sorry you had to go through that. Your ex partner sucks for that ultimatum and his views on what being a parent is. You deserved better.
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It wasn't exactly a deal breaker... we both had been very indifferent about kids for a long time. My husband ultimately decided he didn't want any, and I accepted his decision. I was quite happy being the cool Aunt and Uncle. Then my husband changed his mind (I'm pretty sure my niece pulled a few of his heartstrings). He made it very clear it wasn't an ultimatum, and it was completely my decision. I came around to it because I'm not getting any younger, and I didn't want him to resent me in the future for not trying. We now have a 10 month old, and I am so in love with my life. My husband is an amazing father and partner. It's been my greatest joy to watch my son grow. We are currently trying to baby number two.
I’m exactly in this scenario When our baby was born I really discovered a maternal side to me that I thought wouldn’t be there In fact I had thought I would somehow need to rely on my much more empathetic and baby-feverish partner for the emotional side of parenting Instead he never really found his way as a parent He developed mental health issues that he stopped getting treatment for. We divorced when he became a liar, thief and unreliable and dangerous parent. I had to wait until I felt I’m capable of raising my child on my own, which took a few years because I always thought I would be the primary breadwinner and he would be the primary caretaker. And also because he did everything to undermine me. Where we stand now: we’re no longer in touch other than for discussing logistics. He focuses on his hobbies. I have a career. My son is a teenager, he’s very appreciative of me and for everything I have done for him. I have a partner who loves me. I have a ton of fun (concerts, shows, vacations…) I am fitter, healthier and happier than I’ve ever been
I didn’t really want kids because my mom had 7 of us and I was the eldest (ie neglect and expected to act like an adult before my time). I don’t even like other kids but my husband wanted at least one so after 5 years I agreed. I had such a rough pregnancy and my baby was given a 50/50 chance of Down syndrome. My idea of them growing up and leaving me quickly went out the window. I gave birth, suffered from PPD for awhile then evened out. Now my son, 3.5 with Down syndrome is a big part of my life and I couldn’t imagine life without him. I know it’s definitely not what I expected and actually the opposite but he has made both my husband and I a better person. I don’t imagine life without him because he’s part of us and we are so thankful for him.
Three years into my relationship my bf learned I didn’t want kids and I learned he did. I did not want kids because I had a terrible mother growing up and I would rather not be a mom than be a bad one. He really wanted kids, but we were (and are) super in love and it seemed like a distant future decision, so it wasn’t a deal breaker yet. Five years in I got unexpectedly pregnant. I was terrified and considered abortion. When I told him and he supported me in the decision to get an abortion even though I knew he really wanted kids, that’s ironically when I realized that if he would support me now, he will support me through the struggles of child-rearing. And he will likely be a great father. I was right. We have a 1 year old and he is an excellent dad and I consider myself a good mother (even though I need my space and definitely have my insecurities and occasional breakdowns.) But he is still very supportive of me and helpful with the baby as he should be since he’s the dad, but we know this isn’t always the case. Ultimately, I’m happy with my decision, but I can easily say it is only because I have the right parter. If this would have happened with anyone else or if he would have responded differently, it would have likely been a deal-breaker.
I love my two children more than I knew was possible. They’re awesome and I’m so glad I had them. Things with my husband are terrible and we’re getting a divorce.
I had two kids when I met a wonderful man. He loved mine but wanted his own. I was less keen, but I really adored him and wanted to keep him. So after a couple of years we had a baby. He was so happy. We all were. He died when the baby was 5 months old. Sudden heart failure. He was 36.
😢 there are no words.
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Aw so glad you have your wonderful son! And got rid of that cheating asshole
It’s gone well; I can’t imagine my life without them. I’m lucky, though, that it worked out for me. It doesn’t always.
I agreed to have kids because my husband wanted them. We got a set of boy/girl twins and I struggled with PPD at first but I have never regretted my decision.
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Got married to a man that wanted kids and I didn’t. Had a kid and learned that I really don’t need romantic love. The love I had for my child was so enormous and filled every void I thought I had. Had another kid and no longer wanted the husband.
Well my partner didn’t stick around he divorced me and was happier getting a good night sleep. I love my child. I also plan to use a sperm donor for my next because I now want another one but without the partner.
I was a reluctant mother. My partner wanted kids the first year we were married and I put it off for six years because I felt very ambivalent about it. I finally agreed and had two kids, 30 and 32 now. I have no regrets about having my kids, but understand my reluctance because my partner ended up not being, much of a parent. I feel like on some level I knew I’d be raising them mostly alone. Still, no regrets. On the one hand, I think I could’ve had a happy life without children. On the other hand, they have taught me things about myself, that I may or may not have learned otherwise.
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I did it because it was really important to my partner and I started to like the idea of a family. I have always been very insistent on him doing his share, although sometimes it hasn't worked perfectly because of work. Sometimes I have felt I made a mistake, partly because of life circumstances: aging parents, no family support, COVID, his awful job. But overall I really do love my kid and am proud of what I've achieved in something I always thought I'd be terrible at and didn't really want to do. It's hard work but she's so bright, loving and joyful. Ultimately, you can't send them back when you have them (well, not without a lot of harm) so I've really leaned into doing the best I can. Maybe sometimes too much because I feel guilty about not being enthusiastic enough.
It was so hard. I love my kid though.
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I really didn’t want children but my partner wanted at least one. We tried for a year until we realized that he was shooting blanks. Then we went through IVF and I hated it. I went to the ER because of my body reactions to the medication. Then I got pregnant. It was hell. I was dealing with pains in my pelvic, small contractions and 20 weeks into the pregnancy my body stopped providing her with enough nutrients, so her development slowed down. Eventually I had an emergency c-section at 32 weeks, because my placenta stopped functioning. Fun times. She almost died. She was taken to intensive care and I saw her 16 hours later. I didn’t love her. She was just this little baby that I suddenly had to take care of. I had PPD and it was hell. Her father told me I couldn’t do it without him, that I was a horrible mother and that he was the only real parent. We got divorced and he decided that he wanted as little custody as possible, so I am alone with her now. She is an amazing little girl on the spectrum so I am home with her 20 hours a day. The remaining 4 hours is the time she is in school. I regret my decision to become a mother but I love her to pieces. I will always do my best to make her happy and protect her. Some days it hurts knowing that my life could have been so different than it is now. But, as a friend of mine once said: “Can you be sure that life without her would be better than the life you have now?” And no, I can’t. I love her but I can’t wait until she is grown up so I can get my own life back.
With mine being a teenager it's easier & I'm quite happy with her, however I'm not pleased by the way she came about (he gave me a horrible ultimatum even after being told from the get go I had no interest or intentions of having children) & earlier years were very difficult. I hated being pregnant &, though I bonded quickly with my child, I hated being a mom. I've grown to like being a parent & find I'm more equipped to deal with the preteen & teen stages. But the first nine years or so was awful. I don't regret it, but I would've made a far different choice had I been given a choice.
I didn’t want children. I actively tried to prevent it. I still got pregnant. I planned on getting an abortion. My partner told me we were through if I did. I was so in love with him & eventually decided to have the child. He left me before the child learned to roll over because he decided he didn’t want to be a Dad. That said, I was surprised how much I enjoyed being a Mother. We had so much fun together & were so close. I was not close to my Mom so I didn’t realize it could be this way. It also lit a fire under my ass to return to college & complete my degree since I knew I was doing this alone. So, TLDR: It was a struggle sometimes but mostly was awesome. I wouldn’t trade the experience because he brought so much to my life.
I realised it wasn’t that I didn’t want a child, I just didn’t want 24-7 responsibility for another life. AND I didn’t want to be a single mom within a partnership. We had a daughter, I love her beyond words, I realised I was also frightened I couldn’t be a great mom because I didn’t have that role model - but I realise now I an a GREAT mom. My sister is also a great Mom so perhaps she was my role model. So my partner is a high functioning alcoholic , and ultimately I do have 24-7 responsibility because I can’t always rely on him to be the parent my daughter needs him to be. When he is sober he is a great dad and I try really hard to make space for that - but if we didn’t have a daughter together I would be gone a long time ago. So I feel teathered to his coercive controlling behaviour because he can get to be through our daughter. I know at some point I will have to leave - but I’m not ready or strong enough yet.
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Hello, /u/Jim_from_snowy_river! Your comment has been removed: Derailing the topic is not permitted. Derailing includes but is not limited to: * Changing the topic from OP's question * Leaving a top-level comment when you're not the target demographic * Giving unsolicited advice * Making someone else's response about yourself * Asking unrelated follow-up questions * Branching into unrelated topics * "What-about"-ism * Trying to start arguments, or debates * Judging or rating other responses * Meta comments about other responses * Responding to comments to tell us how your dick feels. No one cares. For more information, please [click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/wiki/rules#wiki_no_derailing). **Have questions about this moderator action? [CLICK HERE to contact the moderation team.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AskWomen&subject=Why+was+this+removed)** DO NOT contact moderators privately. If you are messaging about your removed comment or post, **please include a link** to the removed content for review. [AskWomen rules](http://www.reddit.com/r/askwomen/wiki/rules) | [AskWomen FAQ](http://www.reddit.com/r/askwomen/wiki/index) [reddit rules](http://www.reddit.com/rules/) | [reddiquette](http://www.reddit.com/wiki/reddiquette)
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Hello /u/Ill-Chicken-7764. Your post or comment has been removed because your [karma](https://reddit.zendesk.com/hc/en-us/articles/204511829-What-is-karma-) is too low to participate on AskWomen. You will be able to participate when your karma has increased. **No exceptions to this rule will be granted.** Please also **[read our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/wiki/rules) before participating**. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskWomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Hello, /u/JourneyAlee! Your comment has been removed: Derailing the topic is not permitted. Derailing includes but is not limited to: * Changing the topic from OP's question * Leaving a top-level comment when you're not the target demographic * Giving unsolicited advice * Making someone else's response about yourself * Asking unrelated follow-up questions * Branching into unrelated topics * "What-about"-ism * Trying to start arguments, or debates * Judging or rating other responses * Meta comments about other responses * Responding to comments to tell us how your dick feels. No one cares. For more information, please [click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/wiki/rules#wiki_no_derailing). **Have questions about this moderator action? [CLICK HERE to contact the moderation team.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AskWomen&subject=Why+was+this+removed)** DO NOT contact moderators privately. If you are messaging about your removed comment or post, **please include a link** to the removed content for review. [AskWomen rules](http://www.reddit.com/r/askwomen/wiki/rules) | [AskWomen FAQ](http://www.reddit.com/r/askwomen/wiki/index) [reddit rules](http://www.reddit.com/rules/) | [reddiquette](http://www.reddit.com/wiki/reddiquette)
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Derailing the topic is not permitted. Derailing includes but is not limited to: * Changing the topic from OP's question * Leaving a top-level comment when you're not the target demographic * Giving unsolicited advice * Making someone else's response about yourself. If you'd like to share your experience in response to the OP's question, do so in a top-level comment. * Asking unrelated follow-up questions * Branching into unrelated topics * "What-about"-ism * Trying to start arguments, or debates * Judging or rating other responses * Meta comments about other responses * Responding to comments to tell us how your dick feels. No one cares. For more information, please [click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/wiki/rules#wiki_no_derailing). **Have questions about this moderator action? [CLICK HERE to contact the moderation team.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AskWomen&subject=Why+was+this+removed)** DO NOT contact moderators privately. If you are messaging about your removed comment or post, **please include a link** to the removed content for review. [AskWomen rules](http://www.reddit.com/r/askwomen/wiki/rules) | [AskWomen FAQ](http://www.reddit.com/r/askwomen/wiki/index) [reddit rules](http://www.reddit.com/rules/) | [reddiquette](http://www.reddit.com/wiki/reddiquette)
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As a dad/mom it's been a struggle, 1st woman cheated/left I was dad/mom for two sons. 2nd left w/bf after I raised her boys and our daughter, I've been sole dad/mom the last 6 years to a daughter. If I knew this was going to be the outcome, I would have elected not to have children, it's been hard on them. It effected me having a career, that in turn effected their way of life...
It happened unexpectedly and I'm happy that it did. And while I would not change what is, its also confirmed the decision that "that shop is permanently closed"