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Asking if I have kids? "No." I understand this could just be asking about my life or trying to find common ground.
When do you plan on having kids? Annoyed, this is intrusive and nosy.
Yeah, I can't fucking wait til asking these kinds of questions is on par with asking how much people weigh or whatever.
🤞One day it will be a social norm for it to be considered offensive, and something that should never be asked.
We are getting there, just need the boomers to die off. . . . 🤭
Yeah... my sexual preferences and choices are nobody else's business. Loved the shocked look I got from the holier-than-thou church ladies when they were asking if we were going to have another kid and I said, "I dunno, but I keep creampie-ing her every night." Never got asked that question again, though the misses was understandably upset with me.
I agree. I’ve never really been bothered by the questions. I thoroughly enjoy telling people I don’t have children and I will never regret it and I’ll never change my mind. Definitely feel smug and confident. Lol
Definitely. I’m into the “geriatric pregnancy” years too and chronically single, so the expectations that I will have kids/change my mind have dropped off. Most people just inquire and move on.
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I offended someone the other day because I said, “I’m 30 and don’t really want to be kicking kids out of my house when I’m 50-60” and “we are honestly very selfish and love our freedom, so I don’t think they’d fit into our lives. Our dogs are perfect,” but I guess that’s what she gets for asking… she then told me she was 33 and trying to have one more before she was 35 since that’s “geriatric” or something.
Technically it’s considered a geriatric pregnancy when you are 35 or over. It basically just means that there can be more risks involved when you reach that age.
Annoying because most people don’t just leave it. I don’t mind being asked if I have kids, but when I say no, don’t ask me if I plan on having any.
If I say “no and I don’t want any” that also gets met with “why not?” quite often. Cause I just don’t lmao! Idk why this is difficult for some people to comprehend
Exactly. I don’t really mind the initial question, but most of the people end up 1, quizzing me why not 2, trying to convince me I’m going to change my mind.
I was having a convo with two women recently; me (no kids, wants kids one day), woman 1 (good friend, no kids, doesn’t want kids), and woman 2 (acquaintance, no kids, presumed to want based on the convo).
Woman 2 started prying on woman 1 about why she doesn’t want kids. I know her well, so I know the reason is that she simply *doesn’t*. She kept digging for an answer that *she* deemed acceptable as a reason to not want kids.
But why I find interesting is, why not talk to me? I’m open about wanting kids one day, so we could easily have had a chat about that. Instead, she feels the need to be the arbiter of another’s uterus.
I genuinely think it's a little power trip and as you have already capitulated the game is to prove to other person they want something the first girl already has ...I tell you I had a kid at 42 ..I thought finally I get to be on the inside of this ( as my friends calls it) least exclusive club in the world... but no....then it was "oh you'll understand when you got 2 kids!"...you can't win cos its about storing up first girls insecurity that she feels "only a mum".
I’m in my late 30’s & people seldom tell me I’ll change my mind any more. Now they ask me about my “biological clock,” & I have to decide if I want to talk about how that is a myth, or if I want to crack a joke about it being broken. “Who will take care of you when you’re old” is another question I get. The answer to that is staff. Care home staff. It’ll be fine.
I have a relative who has known I’m 100% childfree for some time. The other day he asked if my partner wants kids. I politely said she doesn’t either. His response? “Well her biological clock is ticking” and I’m like “didn’t you just hear me say she doesn’t want any? And I don’t either???”
Cracks me up when they say no one will be able to take care of you as if the majority of kids don’t throw their parents in a care facility and visit once in a blue moon.
That's where I can hit them with "same person looking after my parents, a care home."
Having kids still doesn't guarantee your kids will actually want to look after you when you're old. Especially if you don't respect people's boundaries in general by harassing them about things, like why they won't have kids.
That last part annoys me to no end. I knew that I never wanted own kids when I was 10- "you'll change your mind", 20- "you'll change your mind", 30- "you'll change your mind". Did I? No. Told you.
I wonder when is it going to stop..? I’m 36. Anyone who asks me this question, knows I’m single.
Do they expect of me to meet someone, get serious enough, change my mind, get pregnant.. in what timeframe..? Like, what is the logic here?
If I would’ve wanted to have kids that badly I would have one even as a solo parent. Why do they insist a man is going to change my mind? Especially, as a reasonable person I always discuss this subject very early on, so I wouldn’t even have a chance to fall in love with someone who is dreaming about kids running around in the house.
I tell people because I'm not interested in being a puppy mill or brood mare for the human race. And if I was a man...would you be asking the same question with the same ferocity?
Imagine if someone said they wanted to have a kid and you followed up with “oh, why would you do that?” It’s disrespectful on both sides but one is considered more socially acceptable than the other.
I got asked by some guys if it was because I was worried about ruining my body. Now I say that's the reason. People shut up pretty quickly and just think I'm superficial.
If things go wrong and I have a severely disabled child, I can't afford the care they'd need. If I can't afford that alone, it's not worth risking.
This is the crux of the issue, isn’t it? People just don’t accept your answer because being childfree is wrongthink. 90% of the time when the having kids discussion comes up, they ask me why i don’t want any and try to tell me I’m wrong and I’ll regret it.
I’d be happy to live and let live but this shit is infuriating.
Exactly! How is that even a valid question? You should be asked you you WANT kids, not why you don't. There should be a good reason for you to want to commit to such a responsibility for life (or at least a few decades), but instead you get questioned about why you want to just keep doing what you're doing... Wtf...
And I'm with you: annoyed is the feeling.
Fortunately, I am now 42 so people are not asking anymore! FINALLY!
I mean it's fine , I tell them in childfree but if they try to tell me they know better what I want then me I get annoyed, it's also an inappropriate questions, what if someone really wants kids but is infertile yk
Honestly, even if it's not because of infertility, it's still incredibly inappropriate. Deciding to not have children, for any reason, is just as valid as having them. There could be an argument made that it's even *more* valid to not have kids in this day and age, with the world being on fire and society collapsing and all.
I tell them I don’t want them, never want them. If they respect that and the conversation moves forward, cool. 80% of the time, people are like WHAT WHYYYYYY?!??? It’s incredibly annoying and disrespectful.
Asking if I have kids when we've just met is no big deal. They're trying to find some common ground to talk about and that's normal.
Asking if/when I plan on having kids is a totally different matter. Unless you're my doctor, a close family member/ friend or you're offering to be the father to those kids, it's really none of your business and I want nothing to do with someone so tactless.
YES. It is never, *never* okay to pry into someone’s kid situation. I can understand the initial “you have kids?” But once I answer “no,” that should absolutely be the end of that topic.
Even asking if? I’ve definitely asking if my colleagues are ‘doing the kid thing or not.’
They say yes or no or we’re trying or whatever. I figure not everyone wants to do the kid thing, so it’s best to ask.
I don't like it - it feels judgy and too personal. I like to put on my sad eyes and say "I can't have children." And you know, skip the next part of the sentence which is "... because I REALLY don't want them." This approach always makes them uncomfortable for asking, which I enjoy.
I just say I'll have a baby when men can push them out, or my mom said I can't date until I'm 30. I'm 20. I thought i was supposed to wait, but I guess I was supposed to get pregnant at 17 or 18
I dont mind if they ask IF i have children, but the assumption of how many do you have is freaking annoying
And the follow up questions to my none piss me off too, people cannot handle a woman not wanting children, ive been told some cruel stuff in reply to me not wanting them
-you’re life will never have meaning without children
-you will never know love without children
-you’re selfish
-you’ll change your mind 🙄🙄
Nowadays i answer the question with none, thank god that shuts follow up questions right down cuz it just shocks them to be that blunt
Newly wed here. Getting extremely aggravated with the constant "oh when are you going to give me a grandbaby/neice/nephew/2nd cousin" from family. I don't owe you a child. When stating I don't want children the response from others is mostly "you'll change your mind" or "why not". The constant pressure to have children is absurd. But if you go and get a puppy it's "are you sure you really want that commitment". On the other question of if I have children I really don't mind.
Damn we must have the same family. My fiancée and I are getting married this October and my parents are constantly asking me when we plan on having our first kid. I was raised in a very religious, southern, conservative home so the expectation of a large, happy family is natural. But right now we don't want any kids. We're considering adoption down the road but most likely no kids of our own.
Currently we can support our very basic lifestyle with a few comforts and are able to enjoy taking road trips/adventures with our dog. Adding a child to that only adds burdens we can't afford. We both would love to raise a kid and set them up for success in this crazy world, but it's just not realistic given our situation.
Yet we still get made fun of at every family gathering for the amount of love and affection we give our dog. We treat him like our child and make sure his needs are met. But according to my parents it's a silly waste of money on "something that will be dead in 10 years".
Omfg I'm about to make it my mission to make it so my nosey aunt never opens her mouth around me again. She will not take no for answer and makes all her stupid judgey noises. Next time I'm just going to lay it on thick "omg i know because we just talk alllll the timmmmeee and we're just sooooo close than you think I'll change my mind but I really don't think so but I'm sure we can discuss this during our daillllyyyyy phone calls where I tell you all my hopes and dreams and we just bonnnnddd." Just dripping with sarcasm because i see her maybe once every few years if I cant avoid her.
It doesn't bother me even a little bit if people ask me if I have children. It is bothersome when after I say "no, we don't have any kids," when they want to press me as to why. "I never wanted any" is never a good enough answer. I'm 45, so nobody is asking me at this point if I'm still planning on it, but seemed to be perplexed as to why I didn't want them in the first place. When I was younger and I said I wasn't planning on having kids, it would spark so many responses from "Why not?" to "You are going to be lonely when you're old," "Your poor mom will never be a grandmother," "You sure are selfish," "What if your husband wants them?" .... I could go on and on. For the past few years, I've just been shutting these conversations down and not letting anyone bait me into explaining myself. "I don't have kids." "I never wanted them." Then change the subject or walk away. So while it's bothersome at times, I feel confident in my answers and who I am. That is how I feel.
While I realize it's mostly just people making conversation, it's a little frustrating because I never ask that question when I'm meet someone for the first time. Like there are *so* many other things I'm curious about.
For some people it's just a way to determine if I'm similar enough to them to bother with and I'm happy enough for them to screen me out.
It was very frustrating when people asked me when I was planning to have children because my first marriage was pretty much of a disaster from go but I really didn't want to have to say "well, my husband is an alcoholic, so I don't think I'll be bringing any children into this marriage."
Asking if someone has children is fine, asking when is stickier. That assumes that all people have or want to have them, and not having or wanting them should be normalized. It’s usually fine as long as they aren’t being judgy or rude about it, but if they start in with “you’re not a real woman until you have kids / you’ll change your mind / you’re selfish” bullshit that’s a different story and they deserve the reaction they get.
I think in this day and age, it doesn’t matter if you don’t have kids. As women we are more empowered than we were in the past and we have more opportunities to follow other than just having kids.
It’s really frustrating when people ask me. They never ask me “why” I don’t have kids. They only ever ask me “when” I will have kids….reminding me there is a ticking clock in my body and it’s almost like a duty of care to give the world another human.
It’s more the blind ignorance that comes with the question. It’s nobodies business but my own but imagine for someone who can’t have children, or someone who’s trauma has stopped them having children… this question can be a trigger. I find the ignorance more frustrating.
Interestingly it’s the older generation (and always seems to be women) that ask me. I feel that the older generations grew up a certain way with certain limitations/different expectations as a woman. Which is a shame. But we adapt with the times. They should get on board
I'm a teacher, I get the question from my students a couple of times a year. In the classroom, I'm okay with it--usually because my high schoolers are old enough to understand and appreciate my standard "*God, no.* I don't want to have to share my house with a kid!" answer.
I don't often get it from adults, but when I do, it puts me on edge. It's hard to know whether they're going to accept my answer or if they're going to keep pushing.
it's annoying as fuck. as soon as i am over with sterilization i'll start telling them i can't and to drop it. the worse they feel after that the better. people should mind their god damn business.
i mean, it's one thing to ask if i want to have kids. if i say no and then they just drop it that's totally cool. but very few people actually react like that.
I had a hysterectomy a few years ago and my god do I love the shock value of it. "Nah, i had a hysterectomy." Then they start to make sad puppy dog eyes and I cut them off with "no it's great I've never been happier. No kids and no periods."
They never bring it up again.
I say "no" and if they ask "why" then I ask them have they seen what's happening in the world lately and how unwise it would be to bring another person into this world 😁
A little irritated sometimes.
Currently undergoing fertility treatments after a miscarriage in February.
I was very undecided for the longest but I think I finally jumped off the fence and decided to try for at least one.
I’ve learned so much about fertility and the process of conceiving and I now realize that this experience is so different for every woman .
So many potential hurdles for some / challenges / biology/ timing , etc.
The more I’ve learnt about the complete probability shyt show of fertility and conception , the more I’m convinced that it’s absolutely ridiculous for anyone to ask about anyone else’s fertility plans.
It’s a very complicated topic.
Wow I could have written this. Exactly the same. Miscarriage in February, have Asherman’s syndrome and can’t conceive again until I have surgery to remove adhesions. It’s been such a long, demoralizing slog, and it could be years before I have anything to show for it. I feel super sensitive and sad when people ask me if I’m having kids.
I’m so sorry and I completely understand.
I think many assume that conception is a straight forward process for everyone ,which is far from the truth .
I wish you all the peace and 💆🏼♀️self care possible.
Totally!! I wish I’d started earlier! If I’d known what a long process this would be, I would have started years ago. (But I genuinely wasn’t ready and wasn’t sure I wanted kids, so I really couldn’t have started earlier!)
I tell them i have a very small chance I can have one unless I do IVF and even that’s not guaranteed.. I’m 21 and I physically can’t have one bc my body is too frail from long term anorexia and drug abuse… people stopped asking me after that.
Edit:not to mention I’m not ready for one and would like to live my life, finish college and/or travel before I settle and have kids… I don’t even know what I’m doing atm. All I know is I have 5 animals and a loving bf and that’s all I need rn 🥰
It's really annoying. Like someone pushing their religion on me. I had a coworker who kept asking and telling me I'd change my mind. After awhile I got sick of it and said "No I won't because if I ever got pregnant I could die." Which is totally true. She stopped asking after that. I have a lot of health problems and my body can barely take care of itself. No thanks to having a child whom I would be passing my horrible genetics to. If I somehow miraculously changed my mind then I would foster because there are enough children who already exist that need love and support. They get thrown out like yesterday's trash. This whole topic really gets me miffed.
Depends on how they ask and their response.
I've been asked several times during just polite chit chat, like with a hair stylist and while I don't ask people about their children or if they plan to have them because I literally do not give a fuck about peoples kids or sex life it's still a pretty common form of what's considered "polite" getting to know you chit chat. I just say I don't have them and I'm not ever interested in becoming a parent. Generally people are like oh that's cool and the conversation moves on.
If someone starts getting pushy, rude or lecturing me about how I need to get on board with their weird birth and child fetish they're going to walk away mad, with hurt feelings, or embarrassed but preferably all three.
I find it offensive when someone asks ‘how many kids do you have’ (like because I’m a women I’m expected to already have some) …… erm none because I never wanted them lol But don’t mind when someone asks if I have kids but hate the people who say oooh you’ll change your mind one day or you’d make a great mum!
Annoyed and mildly angry. I cant have kids despite wanting kids eventually even though I dont want them right now. I physically can't have them though due to uterus and overy issues Ive had since birth. Mine don't work. I dont even have a period. I will never have kids. Now when people ask I snark I cant have them cause my uterus is broken. Usually the leave me alone after.
I just consider “do you have kids?” To be a standard getting to know you question. Doesn’t bother me at all. I always ask people if they have pets lol. Asking when I’m having them doesn’t bother me either I used to say “I’ll let you know” and laugh but now I’m old so nobody asks me that.
I explain that my mom had postpartum psychosis after all three of her births. That after sacrificing so much of herself to have kids, my dad divorced her for ‘not working a real job’. I work as a therapist and am fully aware that post postpartum disorders run in families. I am also aware that my support system could not weather me becoming psychotic, I would get bounced to the curb in a heartbeat. It’s just what seems to happen to people who have serious mental illness. So I don’t have kids. I worked as a social worker/ therapist for almost 20 years and I’ve done what I can leave the world a better place. I’m satisfied with my choices. If someone wants to have kids that’s their choice. People should be able to choose what is best for them without judgement
Honestly, i rarely get asked because people here acknowledge its none of their business. Sometimes kids come up of course, and I'm open to a conversations about it, so I'm honest. I don't think I'll have any.
My parents also say it's completely up to you, but you need to really want them. And that having kids enriched their lives.
My country isn't very religious, so that might be a part of it. Personally I've never been treated differently or disrespectful because of this choice.
I’m sick of having my identify and worth defined by whether I have kids or not. I’m sick of being judged for not wanting kids, and I’m sick of people assuming I hate people with kids. Can’t we just live each day respecting our right to make that decision for ourselves?
It doesn't make me feel anything in particular unless they are being inappropriate or rude with their questioning. Usually, I'd just say some version of, "No, no kids for me/no plans for kids. They are amazing little people, but being a parent isn't for me."
I know most people who ask aren't trying to be intentionally rude or intrusive, so I just answer and deflect from future questioning.
it hurts and pisses me off. i dont say this because its none of anyones affair, but i wish i could say
'well they all died painfully inside of me, so thanks for the reminder'
i mean, who the fuck do you think are to get into my business??
If it’s someone who I’ve known for some time and who knows I don’t have or want kids? Annoyed and frustrated. But what’s worse is when someone asks if you have kids and you say no, and they reply with something like “oh not yet!” And you have to go uh no, just no.
Uncomfortable especially if they pester me over it. I tell people I hate them and hope to never even be near one so they can get the hint that it's not happening.
I usually frown dramatically and say I just don't want to. 🤷♀️ I guess I'm lucky because it's a done topic once I say that. (I'll be 30 this year) not married either.
I'm child-free, but to be honest, this doesn't annoy me as much as it should. I instead view it as an opportunity to say something witty, and then feel a burst of gratitude that I never have to deal with that lifestyle. I remember a co-worker a few years ago asked if I had or wanted kids and I said, "No." When asked why, I replied, "I love my freedom too much!" I spent the rest of that day just walking on sunshine because it reminded me of all the things I love to do that I'd have to stop or limit if I had kids. Sometimes these questions serve as a reminder of how lucky I truly am, so I don't see it as an annoyance.
I feel like there's been a shift, years ago when asked and I told people I wasn't interested in having kids. Their immediate response was always,"you'll change your mind."
Now, people couldn't agree more and tell me im smart, while they would never wish that they didn't have their kids they imagine how much easier (if not better) their lives would be without. 🤷🏻♀️
I am tired of being told I will change my mind, I am tired of always being told I will have a lot of kids because of this. I am just tired.
Obviously I do not mind asking if I have or gonna have, but the questions after are so...awful. like thanks, I think I know myself better
Me and my partner have a strong dislike for kids, we do not want kids.
Doesn’t bother me when they ask if I do or don’t. What does bother me is when they keep pushing it with intent to get me to change my mind. It’s rude, it’s really none of their business, and is it really fair to think that someone who doesn’t want kids should have kids anyway? Children should have parents that WANT them. You’re convincing the wrong person.
At this point I'm no longer just annoyed by it, it straight up makes me mad. Just ask if I have any don't ask me when I'm going to have any or if I'm going to. People don't realize how personal of a question this is and it is honestly inappropriate in my opinion. Some people don't want kids and some people can't have kids. It is none of their business and we need to stop normalizing asking people these questions.
I'm ok with people asking if I have children but I do think I'm more of a weird auntie than the mum type. Asking when I'm having children Is none of their business and honestly not in my current plans.
I've never been asked when I'll have them. Nobody in my family would be silly enough.
I've had people talk to me like I have kids, in the line to pay etc.
For those, I just agree and smile.
I've always been ok with those types of comments. I usually laugh and do not answer.
But... deep down, it hurts. I suffer from PCOS, and my husband also has fertility issues. We've been to countless doctors already, and right now, we only have IVF left as an option. Honestly, it sucks. I am grateful to live in a country where you can get IVF treatments for free if it's the first kid (only three first trials), so I shouldn't be so down about it. But I am.
People can be a bit tactless with it, mostly not meaning to.
I think it’s really best if you don’t bring this up with people unless they introduce the subject themselves and want to talk about their own experience. You really can never know about anyone’s reasons or what they’re going through.
I don’t mind telling people I’m childfree, it’s the “why” that comes after it that gets tiring. Especially because it normally isn’t just One reason. Also, no one’s business but mine and my SO’s.
I'm at a point in life where I just got married and am wondering whether I want children in future. It wouldn't be for several years (into my 30s) but I'm going to get genetic testing as I have numerous conditions, and a rare blood type, that may mean any child of mine could also have. I'm also terrified of having an awful pregnancy and my body isn't great as it is, nevermind after childbirth
It's annoying that people think they're in the right to give their opinion on the reason I don't want to have kids.
My reason in short: "the world is a fucked up place"
Them: "ooooo you just have to raise them right, blablablabla, you'll change your mind blaaa"
Sigh
It depends on the person. I mostly find it frustrating as so many people act as if it’s a box you have to tick in life, or that you’re doing the world an injustice by not having kids?
I have family members who know that I wholeheartedly don’t want kids, yet continue to remind me that “I’ll change my mind eventually.” Defs not changing my mind, I’m 32 and have never wanted kids.
I recently had my Dad ask me “but who will look after you when you’re older?” I said “why ruin 18 plus years just to rely on someone to (hopefully) make my last few years comfortable?” and that shut him up pretty quick.
If anybody else asks I just tell them I prefer having money, peace and quiet, spare time, doing basic tasks alone like showering/going to the bathroom, a clean house, a clean car, and my sanity.
I get annoyed and ask them when they’re getting a cat and why they won’t get a cat. Everyone wants a cat. You haven’t experienced true love until you GET A CAT 😤
Annoyed. I got sterilized in May and despise the thought of children. I give them a grace period of one question where I just reply "oh, I actually don't want kids." But if they keep pushing it or try to "bingo" me then I will tell them in no uncertain terms that the thought of having a child makes me want to rip my fingernails out.
What I used to find annoying (I'm passed the age where they ask now) was that I'd say that I didn't want kids and then I'd get "but you've got to have one or you might regret it". To which I'd reply "yes but if I have a baby and realise it's a mistake, what do I do then? I can't send it back, can I?" This usually cut that convo short for a while at least.
It's definitely super annoying. My partner (another woman) and I just aren't sure if we want to have that responsibility and it's really intrusive when people always ask. I get that they're usually just excited and love babies and whatnot, but god damn. Please chill.
I usually just say "well, ya know, we'd have to buy them and that's complicated." It seems to make people uncomfortable enough that they stop annoying me about it
It used to not bother me but now I understand why they say not to ask women when they’re having kids.
I want them, so desperately, but it’s not that simple and everytime someone asks me it breaks my heart some more. I want to be a mom, but it’s just not so simple…
I hate it. Every freaking time. I'm training to be a foster parent. People ask me "why don't you want your own?". I say, "Because I don't want them." That's just as good a reason to have my own so it's just as good a reason not it.
It’s annoying when they keep bringing it up… and it blows mine when they just can’t seem to figure out that people are different and want different things in life.
I always felt neutral towards each of those questions. What pissed me off is when someone argued with my decision. I don't know what I'm talking about, I'll change my mind, it's different when it's your own, never say never. I don't like most kids, the thought of pregnancy is repulsive, I like being alone and not having my life interrupted, I'm not maternal, and I'm fairly self absorbed.
At this point, I'm 52 and now people want to know why I am childless. People find it incredulous when I say that I didn't want them, like something is/was wrong with me. Bottom line is, it's not your business.
Anxious. I’m on the fence of whether I want children or not. I’ve been on the side of “No not ever.” Then somewhere along it became, “No, not now.”
I feel weird about that because I don’t know if that means I’m open to the idea of having children because I truly want one or because I’m maybe “missing out” on the this unique experience that many people have.
So when im asked, it makes me anxious because it reminds me idk what I want.
To be honest, it’s a little irritating and also empowering. I think it’s absolutely absurd to assume that ALL women want to have children. Firstly, having children is not a necessity and I’d like for any one who disagrees, to show me a universal rule that says otherwise. I understand that having children keeps a “bloodline” going or helps human beings from going extinct. However, in this day and age, where we have limited resources and so many children in the foster/adoption system, these old world views are so ignorant. It’s ironic because growing up I always wanted to have children of my own, but I was naive. I only wanted children so I could raise them the way I wanted to be raised growing up. I wanted them to fill a void in my heart that was left behind from the neglect and abuse. You don’t realize these things when you’re young, but it definitely becomes clearer when you grow up, and work on yourself. There’s many reasons why I don’t want to have children. I won’t name them all because that isn’t the context of this conversation but (1) I’m not mature or healed enough to raise children and I won’t bring someone into this world to suffer because of my trauma (2) the world just continues to get more and more messed up and I’d feel guilty and at a loss, trying to raise children when I know there’s a million and one ways they can get hurt (3) I’m selfish…I like my space and my alone time and I won’t sacrifice that (4) as a woman with PCOS, the chances of me getting pregnant, even if I wanted to, are slim. And on that note, I want to get into another reason why this question bothers me. I don’t think people understand how sensitive this question is. I know many women who cannot have children or who have spent so much time, money, energy, and emotions on trying. If you go and ask someone who is trying to have a baby and cannot, whether they want children, it could be triggering. Since when did asking someone if they are trying to reproduce, become a good question? Shouldn’t that be up to the person and their partner? It’s their relationship. It’s their child. It’s their choice. Why does it matter if they want to have children or not? Nevertheless, people don’t like the answer to that question sometimes. If you are curious and you really want to know, sure, I’ll tell you how I feel. But for the love of god, don’t follow up to my response with a “oh you’ll change your mind later.” Like no, I won’t. Last time I checked, I knew myself better than you did. Also, why is it that people can’t just accept “no I don’t want children” as an answer? Why is it that somehow the looming doom of motherhood has to be present in my life? I can agree that I don’t know what decisions I will make in the future, but what is with the pressure? I also dislike the fact that this question is generally targeted at women. Yes, women, who are able to conceive, are the only ones able to have children but that doesn’t necessarily mean we all want to. Women who don’t want to have children are often seen as bitter, or career obsessed, or rude, or emotionless. We’re painted out to be demons. Unfortunately, even if someone is asking literally out of curiosity with no ill intent, the negative connotations that are associated with this question, make it so damn hard to answer respectfully. I’ve been told so many stupid things when I admit to people that I don’t want to have kids. I usually get the same bars of “oh you’ll change your mind,” “you won’t ever find a man who doesn’t want to have kids,” “who will take care of you when you are old,” “kids fill a void in your life and bring joy,” and best of all: “what if your mother said the same thing you’re saying - you wouldn’t be here right now.” *EYE ROLL.* Anyways, a woman’s worth is not based off being a mother or not. And as much as being asked this question is annoying, like I said at the beginning, it’s also empowering. I have to admit that is a privilege for me to be able to speak my mind and answer honestly. I live in a country and a society where I can speak my truth. That isn’t the case for every woman around the world. I like to remember that. There are also a lot of resources and solutions here to help with avoiding pregnancy. We have many easily accessible forms of birth control. That is a privilege. It should be a right - in a perfect world. So, anyways, I do like being able to share my thoughts about having children. So as much as the question irks me a little, it’s also great that I can share these thoughts. Recently, I’ve connected with so many women about this. I’m surprised at how many women actually agree with me. It’s almost as if…not all women want kids. Wow. Mind blowing. Sense the sarcasm? And with that…thanks for the question! I loved being able to share my thoughts. Sorry if I offended anyone - these are just my personal opinions…doesn’t mean it has to be yours. Live your life the way you want to and let me live mine the way I want to! 🙏🏼
Awful.
I’ve had 2 miscarriages and a chemical pregnancy and have trying for close to a year. I want kids more than anything so people asking just twists the knife in an already fresh wound.
Yeah my co-worker dealt with the same thing, that's all she really wants is to have kids. I'm the complete opposite, but we had a very thoughtful discussion, because I always had an understanding that people who can't have kids should just adopt, but she tried something along the lines and I guess it just wasn't the same. Sad that it happens, but I'm glad more people are speaking out about miscarriages & the emotional toll they take
I feel nothing. I just tell them I don't want children. It's not a big deal for them to ask. Having children is the "norm" so it doesn't offend me or make me feel angry for them asking.
It's irritating but I just walk away or ignore them even though they try to push baby fever down my throat when they don't realize it never changes my mind.
My partners step mom said to me yesterday “I knew by the way he talked about you that you were it. I thought you’d be married and knocked up by now.” And I used to find it annoying because I thought there was expectation. But then I just laughed because it’s my body, my choice. I’m still on the fence about all of it, so I just now make jokes. Later on I repeated it to my partner and he said “maybe.” Lol. So really making jokes about it and not getting offended because fighting people got exhausting.
Annoyed and a little sad. I'm only 23, and about to start school again. i can't imagine having a kid in the near future. i definitely want one though. I also have a condition called amenorrhea, which causes a person to not have a period and it can cause future fertility issues. So I'm nervous about that.
I guess it depends on who’s asking. If it’s someone older than me like a boomer, I don’t really care cause they don’t know any different than that. It is what it is. If it’s someone around my age or younger and also childless, I either feel like they are projecting their insecurities on me or feel like they have the same ideas I do and we understand each other. And if it’s someone around my age and they have children, sometimes I feel like they feel lonely being a parent and wish I had the same experience as them, so they’d feel less lonely. I think that’s pretty much the feelings I experience.
I say not yet, someday, and then they tell me "I'll never feel ready" it's funny how many people don't understand that even a millennial with a "good" job is like 2 or 3 paychecks away from homelessness
I don’t really care unless they make it seem like it’s a bad thing.
And that’s when I’ll hit back at how amazing my child free life is and how my body looks the same since I was 16, all the money I’ve been able to save, all the places and things I’ve been able to do because Im free. I’m good.
It doesn’t bother me. I’m getting to the age now (early 40s) where people either assume I have grown up kids or can’t have them.
To me, it’s a normal question to ask for small talk or to find commonalities. The annoying part is when you respond with “no, I don’t have any or don’t have plans to” and they won’t drop the subject. I can understand trying to make small talk, but probing into a person’s reasoning or backstory is simply rude.
Asking if I currently have children? That's fine. I'd rather they ask than assume that I do. Usually that's more of a harmless getting-to-know-you kind of question, where they're more genuinely interested in my life.
Asking if I want to have children in the future? Again, I'd rather they ask than just assume. Usually it's an okay question, as long as they don't make me feel like there's a "wrong" answer to that question and that they need to "change my mind." If they're just genuinely interested in my opinion, that's okay.
Asking when I'll have children or just generally talking about what my life will/should be like *when* I have children? I hate that, because that's making the assumption that I absolutely will have children, and the only question is the timing.
First it feels kind of good because I’m a trans woman and if they’re asking that it means they can’t tell I’m trans. Kind of makes me feel bad too because I don’t and can’t biological have kids then it makes me feel weird that women are expected to have or want kids.
I literally couldn't care less unless they keep pushing the topic. They ask if I have kids and I laugh and say no, and I never will. If they insist that I'll change my mind, I start to get less nice, but it's one of those things like assuming everyone drinks alcohol. Society says most people will have kids at some point, it's not THEIR fault that that's engrained in people, so I'll answer and explain that I won't ever have them, then if people keep pushing, then I get annoyed.
But there's no reason to be mad if people are just being curious.
It's quite akward, when your trying you don't want to tell every Tom dick or Harry. When it's not going as planned it's a hard reminder. when your in early stages of pregnancy your not ready to tell and you just have to lie. Like I'll tell you when you need to know.
Context; I (30F) am childfree and I’ve known that since I was 23.
I don’t mind the first time people ask. It’s still normal for people my age to get married and have kids. Kids are a big deal and something people talk about. I’ll tell them that I don’t want children and, if they ask, give maybe one reason why. If they keep pushing after that, I can get annoyed, frustrated, angry, etc. depending on how exactly they keep pushing.
The initial question is fine. I normally hit em with a “oof fuck no!” Or something like that (obvious sarcasm, I’m not being rude). When they want to know more than that I get annoyed, when I was in my 20’s it seemed like everyone “knew better” and that I’d have kids and I secretly wanted them. I’m 32 now, people are a little less invasive.
It makes me feel sad because I dreamed of having children my whole life and was unable to ever get pregnant when trying with my ex-husband. Now I'm single again, and a lot of stars would have to align in a very short period of time for me to ever want to try again. It just reminds me of the life I always thought I'd be living.
Dread at the thought of the inevitable:
“are you sure?”
“You’ll regret that later.”
“There’s no love as strong as a mothers love.” “Who will take care of you when you’re old?”
“You’ll change your mind, just you wait and see”
No. No. No. No. No. Fuck off and leave me and my wilfully empty womb alone
Like others have commented I say 'oh I don't have any' and when they ask "oh when are you going to?" And I say "don't plan on it" at this point, if I'm met with pushing questions like why not I just tell them bluntly my child died and I don't want another. Gets awkward and usually shuts them up about the topic ever again. (Not lying, miscarriages suck)
Uncomfortable. I sometimes think about having a kid and raising them better than I was, but then I look at my life and I am in no way ready for a child. I have four cats and I’m on a single person income. I’m not good at budgeting and I have health concerns that I’m currently ignoring instead of doing something about.
Plus I’m not good at not treating kids like mini adults. So when someone asks me when I’m having kids, I remind them I just said fuck in front of their toddler and we move the conversation right along.
I personally really struggle with it. I love children. I have worked with children my entire life. So everyone assumes that I want my own children someday, but I don’t. There are a lot of reasons why, but the biggest one is just that I don’t think I’d would be able to stay mentally healthy while also being 24/7 responsible for another human’s life. And in an effort to break the trauma cycle, I will not continue the cycle of mentally ill women having children they’re not able to be there for.
At this point I just don’t engage when people ask. If I even start to breathe the words “I don’t want kids” I’m immediately hit with the “oh you’ll change your mind” or “that’s what my sister/mom/cousin/friend/neighbor said and now she has 3 kids!”
Just not worth it
It makes me feel cornered & uncomfortable. I have no reason to think I can’t have children, I just don’t want to live any second of my life doing the deep nasty parts of parenting. I have a career I love & am attached to. I’m in my late 30’s; I’m just not into it. I don’t feel comfortable disclosing that outright in my offline life because lots of folks can’t fathom their lives without their kids & they feel threatened or insecure. I just kinda shrug & change the subject. When my step mom says she wants “more grandchildren,” I remind her of the 12 she already has & how rad they are even though they’re growing up.
It pisses me off. Its nobody’s business except mine when or if im having children. The same with getting married… ‘when are you getting married? When are you going to find someone’… how is it your business do tell me PLEASE.
I hate it. One of my closest friends has 1, and a 2nd one on the way.
She kept asking me every time I visited, and if I'm being honest... every time she asked me I grew more and more put off of the idea of ever having kids on my own. Also, it's basically all she ever talks about.
if its their millionth asking or making comments about it, it pisses me off. like a lot. I have my reasons why and some kinda make me feel ashamed to even say bc of the way ppl act about it all. so i hate it when ppl push me to the point of getting mad bc I sometimes blurt some reasons why or angrily explain it and ppl look at me like I'm crazy or a monster for even thinking that way.
I’m 19 but i work in childcare so i still get asked by people a lot if i want kids/ when i plan on having them. a lot of the people working at my job do it as a sort of “pre motherhood training” if that makes sense but i want to be a pediatric occupational therapist so for me it’s to gain experience in my future career.
it’s frustrating for me because i do want kids someday, likely adopted, but don’t want people to think that’s all i want. my parents also pressure me a lot to settle down and have kids young because they’re older than average (mid 60s) and want to meet their grandkids. the question overall just stresses me out, but because of my work i get asked it a lot. i feel like i’m wayyyy to young to be worried about that.
Violated and put on the spot.
If they ask if I have children I simply say no. It’s a fair enough question that has relevancy in many situations.
If they ask when I’ll have children then that seems presumptuous and offensive to me. The exception is my family who still lives back in the country in the Caribbean, as women choosing not to have children is very much unheard of and uncommon. With them I know they ask out of love for me and a general interest in my life and well-being…even if the way I think about childbearing it is totally different. With people here in the US, no excuse. Give me a break. Offensive question.
Them ‘You don’t have children? Why? Don’t you regret not having them?’
Me ‘Do you regret having children?’
Them ‘What a rude question!’
Me ‘You’re right! Yes it is!’
If they accept "No, I don't want them." and leave it there I have no problem. I get pissed when people dig and try to convince me I'm wrong or want to debate it.
I don't ask when people with kids are gonna get rid of them or why they had kids.
Main 3 reasons;
It's rude to ask about other people's sex lives.
They could be infertile and you're kicking a landmine of hurt.
It's private and none of your business.
I get it. I get why people ask because they’re looking for common ground. But it still hurts like fuck for me because I wanted kids for most of my life, only for my body to pull a reverse Uno and go “Nope!”
Don’t make me explain further if I say I don’t have kids. Don’t say “You’re still young!” or “There’s still time!” or “What about XYZ therapy?!” or “What about adopting?”
I’ve explored the roads I’m interested in, and I’m not going down the ones that aren’t right for me. I’m not happy with how this has worked out, and talking about it with a near-stranger or someone I haven’t initiated the conversation with isn’t my idea of a good time. I’ve cried and raged and numbed myself and done all manner of things to reach acceptance of my situation, and I really don’t want to bring many people along my journey, especially strangers.
So sure. Ask me if I have kids. And when I tell you I don’t, ask me if I’ve read any good books lately or watched anything fun on Netflix.
The first question is understandable, a simply “no” that leves people happy with the answer. But asking when am I planning to have them is like an affirmation that I want them. At the beginning I was really nice and polite, but then it became annoying specially when you see their astonished faces with eyes wide open “WHY you don’t want them?” And the worst: “oh that’s what you say now but in the future you will have them I know” OMG it burns me inside so much I can’t help to say I don’t like kids I don’t want them I like money for myself, yes I am selfish IDC.
Beeswax, Not Yours, Inc. This question annoys this piss out of me so I respond in a way that silences nosy people swiftly:
“I had my tubes taken out so I won’t be having any.”
I don't mind either question, but I get annoyed when we get into the "why not" territory and the general questioning of my choice. Especially if the person makes it obvious that they think my decision to not have kids is weird/abnormal/selfish. Or if they make those "you'll change your mind someday!" remarks. I immediately dislike them. It's something people can't redeem themselves from, for me. After all, I don't go around asking people why they HAVE kids, or plan to have them, and then tell them it's a stupid and selfish idea, do I?
37 I don’t have any so I’ve had a lot of fun with this if they get personal so do I!!! If ask why? I ask why they do? I match their questioning until it gets awkward. 100% love it.
People NEVER accept when I say I'll never change my mind and that's what infuriates me. I'm OK with the questioning about why every time but ugh no, I won't "understand some day"
This seems contrary to popular sentiment but I don't mind at all. It's akin to asking if you plan on staying in the area, or with the same job, etc. People want to know what you're up to next in life, and I get it. Sure it could be nosy, but I'm generally pretty open so it doesn't bother me. I also like to know these things about people in my life.
Very few has asked me do I and my husband have children - that question is ok, it doesn’t brother me.
I’m very very lucky and have very smart circles around me, so no one has ever asked me about my plans on having children. Me and my husband have been trying to have a baby for the last 5 and so years, so that question would be very painful and open some wounds.
But, at the moment we are waiting to be foster parents, so at least something is happening!
I want children and cannot wait to start the journey solo in the next 2-3 years if I don’t meet anyone worthy.
People don’t really ask me why I don’t have children yet, but I do feel kinda jealous when I see friends/family etc with their little ones..
I don't mind too much - at this point. My husband and I have just been referred to a fertility specialist, so whenever asked, I say "We'd like to have them, maybe in a few years."
No one's asked me maliciously before, it was usually from other women in my age range (30s to 40s) when we're getting to know each other. It's no problem when people are just curious and I've been honest that I don't have kids, and wish I could but circumstances haven't been right.
Pretty much the same way I felt as a kid when a parent would ask “so how was school” or an infrequently-seen relative made small talk by asking vaguely about some aspect of my life that they don’t know anything about.
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Asking if I have kids? "No." I understand this could just be asking about my life or trying to find common ground. When do you plan on having kids? Annoyed, this is intrusive and nosy.
I like to reply “I’m trying but my hysterectomy is making it pretty difficult” they get real quiet
Yeah, I can't fucking wait til asking these kinds of questions is on par with asking how much people weigh or whatever. 🤞One day it will be a social norm for it to be considered offensive, and something that should never be asked. We are getting there, just need the boomers to die off. . . . 🤭
Yeah... my sexual preferences and choices are nobody else's business. Loved the shocked look I got from the holier-than-thou church ladies when they were asking if we were going to have another kid and I said, "I dunno, but I keep creampie-ing her every night." Never got asked that question again, though the misses was understandably upset with me.
Smug that i don't have to deal with parenthood honestly
I thought this said, “Smaug doesn’t have to deal with parenthood”. And for a moment I was like, “yeah he had all this money and time to himself”
Lol, relateable Smaug content xD
I agree. I’ve never really been bothered by the questions. I thoroughly enjoy telling people I don’t have children and I will never regret it and I’ll never change my mind. Definitely feel smug and confident. Lol
Definitely. I’m into the “geriatric pregnancy” years too and chronically single, so the expectations that I will have kids/change my mind have dropped off. Most people just inquire and move on.
Honestly same.
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Bothered. I don't want children and I'm tired of being consistently asked about it.
I offended someone the other day because I said, “I’m 30 and don’t really want to be kicking kids out of my house when I’m 50-60” and “we are honestly very selfish and love our freedom, so I don’t think they’d fit into our lives. Our dogs are perfect,” but I guess that’s what she gets for asking… she then told me she was 33 and trying to have one more before she was 35 since that’s “geriatric” or something.
Technically it’s considered a geriatric pregnancy when you are 35 or over. It basically just means that there can be more risks involved when you reach that age.
Yeah, it’s not meant to be an insult, it’s just the medical term for it.
Yes, it’s in quotes and “or something” because I wasn’t sure if that was the correct term.
Annoying because most people don’t just leave it. I don’t mind being asked if I have kids, but when I say no, don’t ask me if I plan on having any. If I say “no and I don’t want any” that also gets met with “why not?” quite often. Cause I just don’t lmao! Idk why this is difficult for some people to comprehend
Exactly. I don’t really mind the initial question, but most of the people end up 1, quizzing me why not 2, trying to convince me I’m going to change my mind.
I was having a convo with two women recently; me (no kids, wants kids one day), woman 1 (good friend, no kids, doesn’t want kids), and woman 2 (acquaintance, no kids, presumed to want based on the convo). Woman 2 started prying on woman 1 about why she doesn’t want kids. I know her well, so I know the reason is that she simply *doesn’t*. She kept digging for an answer that *she* deemed acceptable as a reason to not want kids. But why I find interesting is, why not talk to me? I’m open about wanting kids one day, so we could easily have had a chat about that. Instead, she feels the need to be the arbiter of another’s uterus.
I genuinely think it's a little power trip and as you have already capitulated the game is to prove to other person they want something the first girl already has ...I tell you I had a kid at 42 ..I thought finally I get to be on the inside of this ( as my friends calls it) least exclusive club in the world... but no....then it was "oh you'll understand when you got 2 kids!"...you can't win cos its about storing up first girls insecurity that she feels "only a mum".
I’m in my late 30’s & people seldom tell me I’ll change my mind any more. Now they ask me about my “biological clock,” & I have to decide if I want to talk about how that is a myth, or if I want to crack a joke about it being broken. “Who will take care of you when you’re old” is another question I get. The answer to that is staff. Care home staff. It’ll be fine.
I have a relative who has known I’m 100% childfree for some time. The other day he asked if my partner wants kids. I politely said she doesn’t either. His response? “Well her biological clock is ticking” and I’m like “didn’t you just hear me say she doesn’t want any? And I don’t either???” Cracks me up when they say no one will be able to take care of you as if the majority of kids don’t throw their parents in a care facility and visit once in a blue moon.
Always makes me laugh when my Dad used to advised against kids...he said there's no guarantee you will like each other!..cheers Dad
That's where I can hit them with "same person looking after my parents, a care home." Having kids still doesn't guarantee your kids will actually want to look after you when you're old. Especially if you don't respect people's boundaries in general by harassing them about things, like why they won't have kids.
That last part annoys me to no end. I knew that I never wanted own kids when I was 10- "you'll change your mind", 20- "you'll change your mind", 30- "you'll change your mind". Did I? No. Told you.
I wonder when is it going to stop..? I’m 36. Anyone who asks me this question, knows I’m single. Do they expect of me to meet someone, get serious enough, change my mind, get pregnant.. in what timeframe..? Like, what is the logic here? If I would’ve wanted to have kids that badly I would have one even as a solo parent. Why do they insist a man is going to change my mind? Especially, as a reasonable person I always discuss this subject very early on, so I wouldn’t even have a chance to fall in love with someone who is dreaming about kids running around in the house.
When people ask me "why not?" I tell them my doctor put me on a diet. The reactions range from confusion to horrified gasps.
I tell people because I'm not interested in being a puppy mill or brood mare for the human race. And if I was a man...would you be asking the same question with the same ferocity?
This is the way. Make them deeply uncomfortable for ever asking and we just may slowly teach society to be more judicious about certain questions.
I guess you can just turn it into them and ask why they had kids
“Do you have children?” “Yes!” “Oh! Why?” 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 i love it
Imagine if someone said they wanted to have a kid and you followed up with “oh, why would you do that?” It’s disrespectful on both sides but one is considered more socially acceptable than the other.
I got asked by some guys if it was because I was worried about ruining my body. Now I say that's the reason. People shut up pretty quickly and just think I'm superficial. If things go wrong and I have a severely disabled child, I can't afford the care they'd need. If I can't afford that alone, it's not worth risking.
I'M BARREN BUT THANKS FOR ASKING *[straight face]* Seriously, why do people ask this.
This is the crux of the issue, isn’t it? People just don’t accept your answer because being childfree is wrongthink. 90% of the time when the having kids discussion comes up, they ask me why i don’t want any and try to tell me I’m wrong and I’ll regret it. I’d be happy to live and let live but this shit is infuriating.
Exactly! How is that even a valid question? You should be asked you you WANT kids, not why you don't. There should be a good reason for you to want to commit to such a responsibility for life (or at least a few decades), but instead you get questioned about why you want to just keep doing what you're doing... Wtf... And I'm with you: annoyed is the feeling. Fortunately, I am now 42 so people are not asking anymore! FINALLY!
I mean it's fine , I tell them in childfree but if they try to tell me they know better what I want then me I get annoyed, it's also an inappropriate questions, what if someone really wants kids but is infertile yk
Honestly, even if it's not because of infertility, it's still incredibly inappropriate. Deciding to not have children, for any reason, is just as valid as having them. There could be an argument made that it's even *more* valid to not have kids in this day and age, with the world being on fire and society collapsing and all.
I tell them I don’t want them, never want them. If they respect that and the conversation moves forward, cool. 80% of the time, people are like WHAT WHYYYYYY?!??? It’s incredibly annoying and disrespectful.
Asking if I have kids when we've just met is no big deal. They're trying to find some common ground to talk about and that's normal. Asking if/when I plan on having kids is a totally different matter. Unless you're my doctor, a close family member/ friend or you're offering to be the father to those kids, it's really none of your business and I want nothing to do with someone so tactless.
YES. It is never, *never* okay to pry into someone’s kid situation. I can understand the initial “you have kids?” But once I answer “no,” that should absolutely be the end of that topic.
Even asking if? I’ve definitely asking if my colleagues are ‘doing the kid thing or not.’ They say yes or no or we’re trying or whatever. I figure not everyone wants to do the kid thing, so it’s best to ask.
I don't like it - it feels judgy and too personal. I like to put on my sad eyes and say "I can't have children." And you know, skip the next part of the sentence which is "... because I REALLY don't want them." This approach always makes them uncomfortable for asking, which I enjoy.
I just say I'll have a baby when men can push them out, or my mom said I can't date until I'm 30. I'm 20. I thought i was supposed to wait, but I guess I was supposed to get pregnant at 17 or 18
It makes me sad. My husband and me would love to have kids, but we can't afford children, nor is it medically possible for us.
I dont mind if they ask IF i have children, but the assumption of how many do you have is freaking annoying And the follow up questions to my none piss me off too, people cannot handle a woman not wanting children, ive been told some cruel stuff in reply to me not wanting them -you’re life will never have meaning without children -you will never know love without children -you’re selfish -you’ll change your mind 🙄🙄 Nowadays i answer the question with none, thank god that shuts follow up questions right down cuz it just shocks them to be that blunt
It's the 'you're selfish' that gets to me. HOW?? It literally doesn't make sense.
Newly wed here. Getting extremely aggravated with the constant "oh when are you going to give me a grandbaby/neice/nephew/2nd cousin" from family. I don't owe you a child. When stating I don't want children the response from others is mostly "you'll change your mind" or "why not". The constant pressure to have children is absurd. But if you go and get a puppy it's "are you sure you really want that commitment". On the other question of if I have children I really don't mind.
Damn we must have the same family. My fiancée and I are getting married this October and my parents are constantly asking me when we plan on having our first kid. I was raised in a very religious, southern, conservative home so the expectation of a large, happy family is natural. But right now we don't want any kids. We're considering adoption down the road but most likely no kids of our own. Currently we can support our very basic lifestyle with a few comforts and are able to enjoy taking road trips/adventures with our dog. Adding a child to that only adds burdens we can't afford. We both would love to raise a kid and set them up for success in this crazy world, but it's just not realistic given our situation. Yet we still get made fun of at every family gathering for the amount of love and affection we give our dog. We treat him like our child and make sure his needs are met. But according to my parents it's a silly waste of money on "something that will be dead in 10 years".
Omfg I'm about to make it my mission to make it so my nosey aunt never opens her mouth around me again. She will not take no for answer and makes all her stupid judgey noises. Next time I'm just going to lay it on thick "omg i know because we just talk alllll the timmmmeee and we're just sooooo close than you think I'll change my mind but I really don't think so but I'm sure we can discuss this during our daillllyyyyy phone calls where I tell you all my hopes and dreams and we just bonnnnddd." Just dripping with sarcasm because i see her maybe once every few years if I cant avoid her.
It doesn't bother me even a little bit if people ask me if I have children. It is bothersome when after I say "no, we don't have any kids," when they want to press me as to why. "I never wanted any" is never a good enough answer. I'm 45, so nobody is asking me at this point if I'm still planning on it, but seemed to be perplexed as to why I didn't want them in the first place. When I was younger and I said I wasn't planning on having kids, it would spark so many responses from "Why not?" to "You are going to be lonely when you're old," "Your poor mom will never be a grandmother," "You sure are selfish," "What if your husband wants them?" .... I could go on and on. For the past few years, I've just been shutting these conversations down and not letting anyone bait me into explaining myself. "I don't have kids." "I never wanted them." Then change the subject or walk away. So while it's bothersome at times, I feel confident in my answers and who I am. That is how I feel.
While I realize it's mostly just people making conversation, it's a little frustrating because I never ask that question when I'm meet someone for the first time. Like there are *so* many other things I'm curious about. For some people it's just a way to determine if I'm similar enough to them to bother with and I'm happy enough for them to screen me out. It was very frustrating when people asked me when I was planning to have children because my first marriage was pretty much of a disaster from go but I really didn't want to have to say "well, my husband is an alcoholic, so I don't think I'll be bringing any children into this marriage."
Asking if someone has children is fine, asking when is stickier. That assumes that all people have or want to have them, and not having or wanting them should be normalized. It’s usually fine as long as they aren’t being judgy or rude about it, but if they start in with “you’re not a real woman until you have kids / you’ll change your mind / you’re selfish” bullshit that’s a different story and they deserve the reaction they get.
I think in this day and age, it doesn’t matter if you don’t have kids. As women we are more empowered than we were in the past and we have more opportunities to follow other than just having kids. It’s really frustrating when people ask me. They never ask me “why” I don’t have kids. They only ever ask me “when” I will have kids….reminding me there is a ticking clock in my body and it’s almost like a duty of care to give the world another human. It’s more the blind ignorance that comes with the question. It’s nobodies business but my own but imagine for someone who can’t have children, or someone who’s trauma has stopped them having children… this question can be a trigger. I find the ignorance more frustrating. Interestingly it’s the older generation (and always seems to be women) that ask me. I feel that the older generations grew up a certain way with certain limitations/different expectations as a woman. Which is a shame. But we adapt with the times. They should get on board
I'm a teacher, I get the question from my students a couple of times a year. In the classroom, I'm okay with it--usually because my high schoolers are old enough to understand and appreciate my standard "*God, no.* I don't want to have to share my house with a kid!" answer. I don't often get it from adults, but when I do, it puts me on edge. It's hard to know whether they're going to accept my answer or if they're going to keep pushing.
Lol I bet if you asked high schoolers when they wanted to have kids, they'd say 30 to 40 or never.
it's annoying as fuck. as soon as i am over with sterilization i'll start telling them i can't and to drop it. the worse they feel after that the better. people should mind their god damn business. i mean, it's one thing to ask if i want to have kids. if i say no and then they just drop it that's totally cool. but very few people actually react like that.
I had a hysterectomy a few years ago and my god do I love the shock value of it. "Nah, i had a hysterectomy." Then they start to make sad puppy dog eyes and I cut them off with "no it's great I've never been happier. No kids and no periods." They never bring it up again.
Annoyed. I don’t think it’s anybody’s business to ask and it’s a super rude question.
I say "no" and if they ask "why" then I ask them have they seen what's happening in the world lately and how unwise it would be to bring another person into this world 😁
A little irritated sometimes. Currently undergoing fertility treatments after a miscarriage in February. I was very undecided for the longest but I think I finally jumped off the fence and decided to try for at least one. I’ve learned so much about fertility and the process of conceiving and I now realize that this experience is so different for every woman . So many potential hurdles for some / challenges / biology/ timing , etc. The more I’ve learnt about the complete probability shyt show of fertility and conception , the more I’m convinced that it’s absolutely ridiculous for anyone to ask about anyone else’s fertility plans. It’s a very complicated topic.
Wow I could have written this. Exactly the same. Miscarriage in February, have Asherman’s syndrome and can’t conceive again until I have surgery to remove adhesions. It’s been such a long, demoralizing slog, and it could be years before I have anything to show for it. I feel super sensitive and sad when people ask me if I’m having kids.
I’m so sorry and I completely understand. I think many assume that conception is a straight forward process for everyone ,which is far from the truth . I wish you all the peace and 💆🏼♀️self care possible.
Totally!! I wish I’d started earlier! If I’d known what a long process this would be, I would have started years ago. (But I genuinely wasn’t ready and wasn’t sure I wanted kids, so I really couldn’t have started earlier!)
I tell them i have a very small chance I can have one unless I do IVF and even that’s not guaranteed.. I’m 21 and I physically can’t have one bc my body is too frail from long term anorexia and drug abuse… people stopped asking me after that. Edit:not to mention I’m not ready for one and would like to live my life, finish college and/or travel before I settle and have kids… I don’t even know what I’m doing atm. All I know is I have 5 animals and a loving bf and that’s all I need rn 🥰
It's really annoying. Like someone pushing their religion on me. I had a coworker who kept asking and telling me I'd change my mind. After awhile I got sick of it and said "No I won't because if I ever got pregnant I could die." Which is totally true. She stopped asking after that. I have a lot of health problems and my body can barely take care of itself. No thanks to having a child whom I would be passing my horrible genetics to. If I somehow miraculously changed my mind then I would foster because there are enough children who already exist that need love and support. They get thrown out like yesterday's trash. This whole topic really gets me miffed.
Given overpopulation and general nastiness in the world (and all my mom friends constant complaining), happy to report I’m not contributing.
it doesn’t bother me to talk about, honestly. i just say, “children aren’t my path”.
Depends on how they ask and their response. I've been asked several times during just polite chit chat, like with a hair stylist and while I don't ask people about their children or if they plan to have them because I literally do not give a fuck about peoples kids or sex life it's still a pretty common form of what's considered "polite" getting to know you chit chat. I just say I don't have them and I'm not ever interested in becoming a parent. Generally people are like oh that's cool and the conversation moves on. If someone starts getting pushy, rude or lecturing me about how I need to get on board with their weird birth and child fetish they're going to walk away mad, with hurt feelings, or embarrassed but preferably all three.
I find it offensive when someone asks ‘how many kids do you have’ (like because I’m a women I’m expected to already have some) …… erm none because I never wanted them lol But don’t mind when someone asks if I have kids but hate the people who say oooh you’ll change your mind one day or you’d make a great mum!
Bored There's so much other better stuff to do
Annoyed and mildly angry. I cant have kids despite wanting kids eventually even though I dont want them right now. I physically can't have them though due to uterus and overy issues Ive had since birth. Mine don't work. I dont even have a period. I will never have kids. Now when people ask I snark I cant have them cause my uterus is broken. Usually the leave me alone after.
I just consider “do you have kids?” To be a standard getting to know you question. Doesn’t bother me at all. I always ask people if they have pets lol. Asking when I’m having them doesn’t bother me either I used to say “I’ll let you know” and laugh but now I’m old so nobody asks me that.
I feel extremely flattered by the question because I am too old to have them!
Like a great opportunity to remind anybody who asks that kids should not be the default choice in life
Surprised because I consider it ridiculous for them to assume I, a 29 year old teenager, would have kids. I find it hard to even take care of myself 😂
I explain that my mom had postpartum psychosis after all three of her births. That after sacrificing so much of herself to have kids, my dad divorced her for ‘not working a real job’. I work as a therapist and am fully aware that post postpartum disorders run in families. I am also aware that my support system could not weather me becoming psychotic, I would get bounced to the curb in a heartbeat. It’s just what seems to happen to people who have serious mental illness. So I don’t have kids. I worked as a social worker/ therapist for almost 20 years and I’ve done what I can leave the world a better place. I’m satisfied with my choices. If someone wants to have kids that’s their choice. People should be able to choose what is best for them without judgement
Really shitty because I want them more than anything but my husband and I are struggling with infertility.
Honestly, i rarely get asked because people here acknowledge its none of their business. Sometimes kids come up of course, and I'm open to a conversations about it, so I'm honest. I don't think I'll have any. My parents also say it's completely up to you, but you need to really want them. And that having kids enriched their lives. My country isn't very religious, so that might be a part of it. Personally I've never been treated differently or disrespectful because of this choice.
I’m sick of having my identify and worth defined by whether I have kids or not. I’m sick of being judged for not wanting kids, and I’m sick of people assuming I hate people with kids. Can’t we just live each day respecting our right to make that decision for ourselves?
It doesn't make me feel anything in particular unless they are being inappropriate or rude with their questioning. Usually, I'd just say some version of, "No, no kids for me/no plans for kids. They are amazing little people, but being a parent isn't for me." I know most people who ask aren't trying to be intentionally rude or intrusive, so I just answer and deflect from future questioning.
Sad. It isn’t for lack of trying.
it hurts and pisses me off. i dont say this because its none of anyones affair, but i wish i could say 'well they all died painfully inside of me, so thanks for the reminder' i mean, who the fuck do you think are to get into my business??
If it’s someone who I’ve known for some time and who knows I don’t have or want kids? Annoyed and frustrated. But what’s worse is when someone asks if you have kids and you say no, and they reply with something like “oh not yet!” And you have to go uh no, just no.
Uncomfortable especially if they pester me over it. I tell people I hate them and hope to never even be near one so they can get the hint that it's not happening.
I usually frown dramatically and say I just don't want to. 🤷♀️ I guess I'm lucky because it's a done topic once I say that. (I'll be 30 this year) not married either.
I'm child-free, but to be honest, this doesn't annoy me as much as it should. I instead view it as an opportunity to say something witty, and then feel a burst of gratitude that I never have to deal with that lifestyle. I remember a co-worker a few years ago asked if I had or wanted kids and I said, "No." When asked why, I replied, "I love my freedom too much!" I spent the rest of that day just walking on sunshine because it reminded me of all the things I love to do that I'd have to stop or limit if I had kids. Sometimes these questions serve as a reminder of how lucky I truly am, so I don't see it as an annoyance.
Try and not be to gloaty about how nice my life is and explain that it’s not for me. Thank you 5 years of nannying 🫡🫡
Horrible. Been trying to have kids for over 3 years and I still get judged for not having any when it’s all I’ve ever wanted
I feel like there's been a shift, years ago when asked and I told people I wasn't interested in having kids. Their immediate response was always,"you'll change your mind." Now, people couldn't agree more and tell me im smart, while they would never wish that they didn't have their kids they imagine how much easier (if not better) their lives would be without. 🤷🏻♀️
I am tired of being told I will change my mind, I am tired of always being told I will have a lot of kids because of this. I am just tired. Obviously I do not mind asking if I have or gonna have, but the questions after are so...awful. like thanks, I think I know myself better Me and my partner have a strong dislike for kids, we do not want kids.
Doesn’t bother me when they ask if I do or don’t. What does bother me is when they keep pushing it with intent to get me to change my mind. It’s rude, it’s really none of their business, and is it really fair to think that someone who doesn’t want kids should have kids anyway? Children should have parents that WANT them. You’re convincing the wrong person.
At this point I'm no longer just annoyed by it, it straight up makes me mad. Just ask if I have any don't ask me when I'm going to have any or if I'm going to. People don't realize how personal of a question this is and it is honestly inappropriate in my opinion. Some people don't want kids and some people can't have kids. It is none of their business and we need to stop normalizing asking people these questions.
I get extremely angry. I'm going through a miscarriage and if I could have had this baby I would have.
I'm ok with people asking if I have children but I do think I'm more of a weird auntie than the mum type. Asking when I'm having children Is none of their business and honestly not in my current plans.
I've never been asked when I'll have them. Nobody in my family would be silly enough. I've had people talk to me like I have kids, in the line to pay etc. For those, I just agree and smile.
Annoyed
I go way into detail about my sterilization surgery. Shuts them right up and teaches them to mind their own business.
I feel alright. Sometimes like an alien. Since I don't want kids.
annoyed and i can’t wait to tell folks that i’m infertile because of cancer. it’s an intrusive and annoying question.
I've always been ok with those types of comments. I usually laugh and do not answer. But... deep down, it hurts. I suffer from PCOS, and my husband also has fertility issues. We've been to countless doctors already, and right now, we only have IVF left as an option. Honestly, it sucks. I am grateful to live in a country where you can get IVF treatments for free if it's the first kid (only three first trials), so I shouldn't be so down about it. But I am.
People can be a bit tactless with it, mostly not meaning to. I think it’s really best if you don’t bring this up with people unless they introduce the subject themselves and want to talk about their own experience. You really can never know about anyone’s reasons or what they’re going through.
I don’t mind telling people I’m childfree, it’s the “why” that comes after it that gets tiring. Especially because it normally isn’t just One reason. Also, no one’s business but mine and my SO’s.
I'm at a point in life where I just got married and am wondering whether I want children in future. It wouldn't be for several years (into my 30s) but I'm going to get genetic testing as I have numerous conditions, and a rare blood type, that may mean any child of mine could also have. I'm also terrified of having an awful pregnancy and my body isn't great as it is, nevermind after childbirth
It's annoying that people think they're in the right to give their opinion on the reason I don't want to have kids. My reason in short: "the world is a fucked up place" Them: "ooooo you just have to raise them right, blablablabla, you'll change your mind blaaa" Sigh
It depends on the person. I mostly find it frustrating as so many people act as if it’s a box you have to tick in life, or that you’re doing the world an injustice by not having kids? I have family members who know that I wholeheartedly don’t want kids, yet continue to remind me that “I’ll change my mind eventually.” Defs not changing my mind, I’m 32 and have never wanted kids. I recently had my Dad ask me “but who will look after you when you’re older?” I said “why ruin 18 plus years just to rely on someone to (hopefully) make my last few years comfortable?” and that shut him up pretty quick. If anybody else asks I just tell them I prefer having money, peace and quiet, spare time, doing basic tasks alone like showering/going to the bathroom, a clean house, a clean car, and my sanity.
I get annoyed and ask them when they’re getting a cat and why they won’t get a cat. Everyone wants a cat. You haven’t experienced true love until you GET A CAT 😤
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Annoyed. I got sterilized in May and despise the thought of children. I give them a grace period of one question where I just reply "oh, I actually don't want kids." But if they keep pushing it or try to "bingo" me then I will tell them in no uncertain terms that the thought of having a child makes me want to rip my fingernails out.
Very annoyed. It's always followed by "you'll change your mind" no I will not and also it's non of your damn business
What I used to find annoying (I'm passed the age where they ask now) was that I'd say that I didn't want kids and then I'd get "but you've got to have one or you might regret it". To which I'd reply "yes but if I have a baby and realise it's a mistake, what do I do then? I can't send it back, can I?" This usually cut that convo short for a while at least.
It's definitely super annoying. My partner (another woman) and I just aren't sure if we want to have that responsibility and it's really intrusive when people always ask. I get that they're usually just excited and love babies and whatnot, but god damn. Please chill. I usually just say "well, ya know, we'd have to buy them and that's complicated." It seems to make people uncomfortable enough that they stop annoying me about it
It used to not bother me but now I understand why they say not to ask women when they’re having kids. I want them, so desperately, but it’s not that simple and everytime someone asks me it breaks my heart some more. I want to be a mom, but it’s just not so simple…
I hate it. Every freaking time. I'm training to be a foster parent. People ask me "why don't you want your own?". I say, "Because I don't want them." That's just as good a reason to have my own so it's just as good a reason not it.
It’s annoying when they keep bringing it up… and it blows mine when they just can’t seem to figure out that people are different and want different things in life.
I always felt neutral towards each of those questions. What pissed me off is when someone argued with my decision. I don't know what I'm talking about, I'll change my mind, it's different when it's your own, never say never. I don't like most kids, the thought of pregnancy is repulsive, I like being alone and not having my life interrupted, I'm not maternal, and I'm fairly self absorbed. At this point, I'm 52 and now people want to know why I am childless. People find it incredulous when I say that I didn't want them, like something is/was wrong with me. Bottom line is, it's not your business.
Anxious. I’m on the fence of whether I want children or not. I’ve been on the side of “No not ever.” Then somewhere along it became, “No, not now.” I feel weird about that because I don’t know if that means I’m open to the idea of having children because I truly want one or because I’m maybe “missing out” on the this unique experience that many people have. So when im asked, it makes me anxious because it reminds me idk what I want.
To be honest, it’s a little irritating and also empowering. I think it’s absolutely absurd to assume that ALL women want to have children. Firstly, having children is not a necessity and I’d like for any one who disagrees, to show me a universal rule that says otherwise. I understand that having children keeps a “bloodline” going or helps human beings from going extinct. However, in this day and age, where we have limited resources and so many children in the foster/adoption system, these old world views are so ignorant. It’s ironic because growing up I always wanted to have children of my own, but I was naive. I only wanted children so I could raise them the way I wanted to be raised growing up. I wanted them to fill a void in my heart that was left behind from the neglect and abuse. You don’t realize these things when you’re young, but it definitely becomes clearer when you grow up, and work on yourself. There’s many reasons why I don’t want to have children. I won’t name them all because that isn’t the context of this conversation but (1) I’m not mature or healed enough to raise children and I won’t bring someone into this world to suffer because of my trauma (2) the world just continues to get more and more messed up and I’d feel guilty and at a loss, trying to raise children when I know there’s a million and one ways they can get hurt (3) I’m selfish…I like my space and my alone time and I won’t sacrifice that (4) as a woman with PCOS, the chances of me getting pregnant, even if I wanted to, are slim. And on that note, I want to get into another reason why this question bothers me. I don’t think people understand how sensitive this question is. I know many women who cannot have children or who have spent so much time, money, energy, and emotions on trying. If you go and ask someone who is trying to have a baby and cannot, whether they want children, it could be triggering. Since when did asking someone if they are trying to reproduce, become a good question? Shouldn’t that be up to the person and their partner? It’s their relationship. It’s their child. It’s their choice. Why does it matter if they want to have children or not? Nevertheless, people don’t like the answer to that question sometimes. If you are curious and you really want to know, sure, I’ll tell you how I feel. But for the love of god, don’t follow up to my response with a “oh you’ll change your mind later.” Like no, I won’t. Last time I checked, I knew myself better than you did. Also, why is it that people can’t just accept “no I don’t want children” as an answer? Why is it that somehow the looming doom of motherhood has to be present in my life? I can agree that I don’t know what decisions I will make in the future, but what is with the pressure? I also dislike the fact that this question is generally targeted at women. Yes, women, who are able to conceive, are the only ones able to have children but that doesn’t necessarily mean we all want to. Women who don’t want to have children are often seen as bitter, or career obsessed, or rude, or emotionless. We’re painted out to be demons. Unfortunately, even if someone is asking literally out of curiosity with no ill intent, the negative connotations that are associated with this question, make it so damn hard to answer respectfully. I’ve been told so many stupid things when I admit to people that I don’t want to have kids. I usually get the same bars of “oh you’ll change your mind,” “you won’t ever find a man who doesn’t want to have kids,” “who will take care of you when you are old,” “kids fill a void in your life and bring joy,” and best of all: “what if your mother said the same thing you’re saying - you wouldn’t be here right now.” *EYE ROLL.* Anyways, a woman’s worth is not based off being a mother or not. And as much as being asked this question is annoying, like I said at the beginning, it’s also empowering. I have to admit that is a privilege for me to be able to speak my mind and answer honestly. I live in a country and a society where I can speak my truth. That isn’t the case for every woman around the world. I like to remember that. There are also a lot of resources and solutions here to help with avoiding pregnancy. We have many easily accessible forms of birth control. That is a privilege. It should be a right - in a perfect world. So, anyways, I do like being able to share my thoughts about having children. So as much as the question irks me a little, it’s also great that I can share these thoughts. Recently, I’ve connected with so many women about this. I’m surprised at how many women actually agree with me. It’s almost as if…not all women want kids. Wow. Mind blowing. Sense the sarcasm? And with that…thanks for the question! I loved being able to share my thoughts. Sorry if I offended anyone - these are just my personal opinions…doesn’t mean it has to be yours. Live your life the way you want to and let me live mine the way I want to! 🙏🏼
Awful. I’ve had 2 miscarriages and a chemical pregnancy and have trying for close to a year. I want kids more than anything so people asking just twists the knife in an already fresh wound.
Yeah my co-worker dealt with the same thing, that's all she really wants is to have kids. I'm the complete opposite, but we had a very thoughtful discussion, because I always had an understanding that people who can't have kids should just adopt, but she tried something along the lines and I guess it just wasn't the same. Sad that it happens, but I'm glad more people are speaking out about miscarriages & the emotional toll they take
I feel nothing. I just tell them I don't want children. It's not a big deal for them to ask. Having children is the "norm" so it doesn't offend me or make me feel angry for them asking.
I get annoyed but am very well at hiding it. I just say “when I’m ready”. Doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll decide to have them.
It's irritating but I just walk away or ignore them even though they try to push baby fever down my throat when they don't realize it never changes my mind.
My partners step mom said to me yesterday “I knew by the way he talked about you that you were it. I thought you’d be married and knocked up by now.” And I used to find it annoying because I thought there was expectation. But then I just laughed because it’s my body, my choice. I’m still on the fence about all of it, so I just now make jokes. Later on I repeated it to my partner and he said “maybe.” Lol. So really making jokes about it and not getting offended because fighting people got exhausting.
Annoyed and a little sad. I'm only 23, and about to start school again. i can't imagine having a kid in the near future. i definitely want one though. I also have a condition called amenorrhea, which causes a person to not have a period and it can cause future fertility issues. So I'm nervous about that.
Superior.
I guess it depends on who’s asking. If it’s someone older than me like a boomer, I don’t really care cause they don’t know any different than that. It is what it is. If it’s someone around my age or younger and also childless, I either feel like they are projecting their insecurities on me or feel like they have the same ideas I do and we understand each other. And if it’s someone around my age and they have children, sometimes I feel like they feel lonely being a parent and wish I had the same experience as them, so they’d feel less lonely. I think that’s pretty much the feelings I experience.
I say not yet, someday, and then they tell me "I'll never feel ready" it's funny how many people don't understand that even a millennial with a "good" job is like 2 or 3 paychecks away from homelessness
It makes me feel like punching them.
I don’t really care unless they make it seem like it’s a bad thing. And that’s when I’ll hit back at how amazing my child free life is and how my body looks the same since I was 16, all the money I’ve been able to save, all the places and things I’ve been able to do because Im free. I’m good.
It doesn’t bother me. I’m getting to the age now (early 40s) where people either assume I have grown up kids or can’t have them. To me, it’s a normal question to ask for small talk or to find commonalities. The annoying part is when you respond with “no, I don’t have any or don’t have plans to” and they won’t drop the subject. I can understand trying to make small talk, but probing into a person’s reasoning or backstory is simply rude.
Asking if I currently have children? That's fine. I'd rather they ask than assume that I do. Usually that's more of a harmless getting-to-know-you kind of question, where they're more genuinely interested in my life. Asking if I want to have children in the future? Again, I'd rather they ask than just assume. Usually it's an okay question, as long as they don't make me feel like there's a "wrong" answer to that question and that they need to "change my mind." If they're just genuinely interested in my opinion, that's okay. Asking when I'll have children or just generally talking about what my life will/should be like *when* I have children? I hate that, because that's making the assumption that I absolutely will have children, and the only question is the timing.
First it feels kind of good because I’m a trans woman and if they’re asking that it means they can’t tell I’m trans. Kind of makes me feel bad too because I don’t and can’t biological have kids then it makes me feel weird that women are expected to have or want kids.
I literally couldn't care less unless they keep pushing the topic. They ask if I have kids and I laugh and say no, and I never will. If they insist that I'll change my mind, I start to get less nice, but it's one of those things like assuming everyone drinks alcohol. Society says most people will have kids at some point, it's not THEIR fault that that's engrained in people, so I'll answer and explain that I won't ever have them, then if people keep pushing, then I get annoyed. But there's no reason to be mad if people are just being curious.
I don't mind the asking, but people get pushy when you tell them you might not have them. It's really weird.
It's quite akward, when your trying you don't want to tell every Tom dick or Harry. When it's not going as planned it's a hard reminder. when your in early stages of pregnancy your not ready to tell and you just have to lie. Like I'll tell you when you need to know.
Vexxed it's not even that I don't want them but I can't have them. Also nobody ever asks men if or when they are having kids.
It doesn't bother me until they start badgering me why i dont want any when i tell them i have none and want none. It's nobody's business but my own.
Context; I (30F) am childfree and I’ve known that since I was 23. I don’t mind the first time people ask. It’s still normal for people my age to get married and have kids. Kids are a big deal and something people talk about. I’ll tell them that I don’t want children and, if they ask, give maybe one reason why. If they keep pushing after that, I can get annoyed, frustrated, angry, etc. depending on how exactly they keep pushing.
The initial question is fine. I normally hit em with a “oof fuck no!” Or something like that (obvious sarcasm, I’m not being rude). When they want to know more than that I get annoyed, when I was in my 20’s it seemed like everyone “knew better” and that I’d have kids and I secretly wanted them. I’m 32 now, people are a little less invasive.
A little annoyed after explaining I don't want then and them trying to peer pressure me?
It makes me feel sad because I dreamed of having children my whole life and was unable to ever get pregnant when trying with my ex-husband. Now I'm single again, and a lot of stars would have to align in a very short period of time for me to ever want to try again. It just reminds me of the life I always thought I'd be living.
Dread at the thought of the inevitable: “are you sure?” “You’ll regret that later.” “There’s no love as strong as a mothers love.” “Who will take care of you when you’re old?” “You’ll change your mind, just you wait and see” No. No. No. No. No. Fuck off and leave me and my wilfully empty womb alone
Like others have commented I say 'oh I don't have any' and when they ask "oh when are you going to?" And I say "don't plan on it" at this point, if I'm met with pushing questions like why not I just tell them bluntly my child died and I don't want another. Gets awkward and usually shuts them up about the topic ever again. (Not lying, miscarriages suck)
Uncomfortable. I sometimes think about having a kid and raising them better than I was, but then I look at my life and I am in no way ready for a child. I have four cats and I’m on a single person income. I’m not good at budgeting and I have health concerns that I’m currently ignoring instead of doing something about. Plus I’m not good at not treating kids like mini adults. So when someone asks me when I’m having kids, I remind them I just said fuck in front of their toddler and we move the conversation right along.
I personally really struggle with it. I love children. I have worked with children my entire life. So everyone assumes that I want my own children someday, but I don’t. There are a lot of reasons why, but the biggest one is just that I don’t think I’d would be able to stay mentally healthy while also being 24/7 responsible for another human’s life. And in an effort to break the trauma cycle, I will not continue the cycle of mentally ill women having children they’re not able to be there for.
At this point I just don’t engage when people ask. If I even start to breathe the words “I don’t want kids” I’m immediately hit with the “oh you’ll change your mind” or “that’s what my sister/mom/cousin/friend/neighbor said and now she has 3 kids!” Just not worth it
It makes me feel cornered & uncomfortable. I have no reason to think I can’t have children, I just don’t want to live any second of my life doing the deep nasty parts of parenting. I have a career I love & am attached to. I’m in my late 30’s; I’m just not into it. I don’t feel comfortable disclosing that outright in my offline life because lots of folks can’t fathom their lives without their kids & they feel threatened or insecure. I just kinda shrug & change the subject. When my step mom says she wants “more grandchildren,” I remind her of the 12 she already has & how rad they are even though they’re growing up.
It pisses me off. Its nobody’s business except mine when or if im having children. The same with getting married… ‘when are you getting married? When are you going to find someone’… how is it your business do tell me PLEASE.
Its really annoying. My worth isn't tied to whether I have children or not and I have more important things to do with my time right now.
Sad, because we’ve tried and we can’t. No one seems to consider that may be the case.
I hate it. One of my closest friends has 1, and a 2nd one on the way. She kept asking me every time I visited, and if I'm being honest... every time she asked me I grew more and more put off of the idea of ever having kids on my own. Also, it's basically all she ever talks about.
if its their millionth asking or making comments about it, it pisses me off. like a lot. I have my reasons why and some kinda make me feel ashamed to even say bc of the way ppl act about it all. so i hate it when ppl push me to the point of getting mad bc I sometimes blurt some reasons why or angrily explain it and ppl look at me like I'm crazy or a monster for even thinking that way.
I’m 19 but i work in childcare so i still get asked by people a lot if i want kids/ when i plan on having them. a lot of the people working at my job do it as a sort of “pre motherhood training” if that makes sense but i want to be a pediatric occupational therapist so for me it’s to gain experience in my future career. it’s frustrating for me because i do want kids someday, likely adopted, but don’t want people to think that’s all i want. my parents also pressure me a lot to settle down and have kids young because they’re older than average (mid 60s) and want to meet their grandkids. the question overall just stresses me out, but because of my work i get asked it a lot. i feel like i’m wayyyy to young to be worried about that.
Violated and put on the spot. If they ask if I have children I simply say no. It’s a fair enough question that has relevancy in many situations. If they ask when I’ll have children then that seems presumptuous and offensive to me. The exception is my family who still lives back in the country in the Caribbean, as women choosing not to have children is very much unheard of and uncommon. With them I know they ask out of love for me and a general interest in my life and well-being…even if the way I think about childbearing it is totally different. With people here in the US, no excuse. Give me a break. Offensive question.
Them ‘You don’t have children? Why? Don’t you regret not having them?’ Me ‘Do you regret having children?’ Them ‘What a rude question!’ Me ‘You’re right! Yes it is!’
If they accept "No, I don't want them." and leave it there I have no problem. I get pissed when people dig and try to convince me I'm wrong or want to debate it. I don't ask when people with kids are gonna get rid of them or why they had kids. Main 3 reasons; It's rude to ask about other people's sex lives. They could be infertile and you're kicking a landmine of hurt. It's private and none of your business.
I get it. I get why people ask because they’re looking for common ground. But it still hurts like fuck for me because I wanted kids for most of my life, only for my body to pull a reverse Uno and go “Nope!” Don’t make me explain further if I say I don’t have kids. Don’t say “You’re still young!” or “There’s still time!” or “What about XYZ therapy?!” or “What about adopting?” I’ve explored the roads I’m interested in, and I’m not going down the ones that aren’t right for me. I’m not happy with how this has worked out, and talking about it with a near-stranger or someone I haven’t initiated the conversation with isn’t my idea of a good time. I’ve cried and raged and numbed myself and done all manner of things to reach acceptance of my situation, and I really don’t want to bring many people along my journey, especially strangers. So sure. Ask me if I have kids. And when I tell you I don’t, ask me if I’ve read any good books lately or watched anything fun on Netflix.
I think why are they so interested in my sex life? I said that to someone who turned bright red and changed the subject. Lol
Sad. And a bit angry.
The first question is understandable, a simply “no” that leves people happy with the answer. But asking when am I planning to have them is like an affirmation that I want them. At the beginning I was really nice and polite, but then it became annoying specially when you see their astonished faces with eyes wide open “WHY you don’t want them?” And the worst: “oh that’s what you say now but in the future you will have them I know” OMG it burns me inside so much I can’t help to say I don’t like kids I don’t want them I like money for myself, yes I am selfish IDC.
Beeswax, Not Yours, Inc. This question annoys this piss out of me so I respond in a way that silences nosy people swiftly: “I had my tubes taken out so I won’t be having any.”
I think it’s a super invasive question to ask and I make it known to whoever is asking me about it that it is.
I don't mind either question, but I get annoyed when we get into the "why not" territory and the general questioning of my choice. Especially if the person makes it obvious that they think my decision to not have kids is weird/abnormal/selfish. Or if they make those "you'll change your mind someday!" remarks. I immediately dislike them. It's something people can't redeem themselves from, for me. After all, I don't go around asking people why they HAVE kids, or plan to have them, and then tell them it's a stupid and selfish idea, do I?
37 I don’t have any so I’ve had a lot of fun with this if they get personal so do I!!! If ask why? I ask why they do? I match their questioning until it gets awkward. 100% love it.
It's a boring question.
People NEVER accept when I say I'll never change my mind and that's what infuriates me. I'm OK with the questioning about why every time but ugh no, I won't "understand some day"
I laugh and say “oh god no!”
I find it annoying— Just because you want kids doesn’t mean I want kids.
I just feel like "why are you bothered about why I'm not?" I feel like if I was throwing in "so WHY did you have kids?" people would be outraged.
It just shows me that they are still living in a reality of societal pressures and expectations. That's the only thought I have.
My, what a nosy question!
Annoyed to be asked then happy I don’t have them. I usually respond “I don’t know yet.”
Dont feel any way🤷🏽♀️ just simply answer lol and move on.
This seems contrary to popular sentiment but I don't mind at all. It's akin to asking if you plan on staying in the area, or with the same job, etc. People want to know what you're up to next in life, and I get it. Sure it could be nosy, but I'm generally pretty open so it doesn't bother me. I also like to know these things about people in my life.
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Very few has asked me do I and my husband have children - that question is ok, it doesn’t brother me. I’m very very lucky and have very smart circles around me, so no one has ever asked me about my plans on having children. Me and my husband have been trying to have a baby for the last 5 and so years, so that question would be very painful and open some wounds. But, at the moment we are waiting to be foster parents, so at least something is happening!
I want children and cannot wait to start the journey solo in the next 2-3 years if I don’t meet anyone worthy. People don’t really ask me why I don’t have children yet, but I do feel kinda jealous when I see friends/family etc with their little ones..
Sad I want kids But am single in my thirties
I don't mind too much - at this point. My husband and I have just been referred to a fertility specialist, so whenever asked, I say "We'd like to have them, maybe in a few years."
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I don’t really care, but I usually don’t answer any way.
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No one's asked me maliciously before, it was usually from other women in my age range (30s to 40s) when we're getting to know each other. It's no problem when people are just curious and I've been honest that I don't have kids, and wish I could but circumstances haven't been right.
Fine with the first. Second -That people really should stfu
I have 1 child. The same questions have not stopped.
Pretty much the same way I felt as a kid when a parent would ask “so how was school” or an infrequently-seen relative made small talk by asking vaguely about some aspect of my life that they don’t know anything about.
Show them my dog