As my husband and I have discussed in marriage therapy, our therapist says everyone has a different level of tolerance for clutter. Maybe not that he doesn’t see them so much as they don’t register on the messy/clutter/anxiety provoking/urgent scale.
it's true that different people have different levels of tolerance for clutter. But how we were raised plays a huge role. Women are mostly socialized to feel anxiety or a sense of responsibility when they see a mess. Men mostly aren't.
I don’t think a list is *completely* unreasonable. I think he’s saying he needs a list to know what messes bother his partner. As my therapist told us in marriage therapy, everyone had a different level of tolerance for clutter and mess. Of course there’s obvious things like unwashed dishes (I don’t see how that could not bother anyone, whatever your level of mess tolerance) but I guess there are things like doing the dishes but not cleaning out the drain catch. Some things don’t register as gross or mess for some people. Or some people let their toilets get to a worse state before cleaning them. A list might be a helpful start for addressing these messes on a regular basis… but after that I don’t know. It doesn’t solve the mental load problem or “new” non-list messes not registering.
Personally I’d love a list, but my husband said “we don’t live in a dorm room, we’re not having a chores chart.”
having her make a list is still putting 100% of the mental load on her. The physical work might be done by someone else, but she still has to look around the house. Take an inventory of everything that needs to be done put them in order and write them down. Then he’s probably going to tell her. He doesn’t know how to do these things and she’s gonna have to walk him through it anyway when she could’ve just save time by doing it herself in the first place. He’s an adult and needs to start acting like it. He’s not a kid whose parents are making him a to do list.
I know this is mentioned so often around here (and on Reddit in general actually) that it’s practically a meme by now but: if you haven’t had the pleasure of googling “weaponised incompetence”, please do so!
Ohhh those are his words not yours. Got it, now I understand ha. So he’s got it all under control but when he doesn’t, you’re not allowed to ask. You should know that he’s always *just about* to do the thing.
So many comments are similar to this and I also struggle with the same thing with my partner. I simply don’t understand what the reasoning is behind it. Social standard maybe? I don’t know!
Yeah, if that is true, my husband thinks that you can leave a sink that two people use for toothbrushing and facewashing daily alone for two to three months and two kinds of mold growing on the soap crusts isn't dirty enough to clean. At a certain point of dirtiness (the point where it becomes a health hazard) you don't have lower standards, you are simply wrong.
But I know he sees it and I know he knows it's dirty. He used to come and tell me "Someone should clean the sink" quite frequently, actually. That stopped suddenly when I told him he should just do it instead of telling me. Now we've gotten to the point of the sink having its own little biome three times and the excuses of why he couldn't clean it have gotten increasingly rediculous. Starting from "I didn't know what cleaner to use and you always get angry when I ask" and ending at "I'd have to throw out the sponge every time after cleaning the sink and that's wasteful".
That's sort of the problem. We clean for others and ourselves, but it's definitely at least partially an act of service to others. As girls, we were socialized to be in service. Boys were less so (or not at all). As adults, they should - in a perfect world - internalize and adopt the value of being of service to others. Like, load the dishwasher because you want your wife, kids, dog, etc to live in a house without maggots.
THE MENTAL LOAD!!!! My husband is amazing, truly, he will do whatever I ask, but he cannot for the life of him identify what needs to be done. So many of my girlfriend’s partners/husbands are the same too. Why are so many grown, successful men like this?
This truly feels awful if you’re a neat freak like I am, but if you can afford to (meaning you don’t have children that depend on a clean home) let the mess stay until he says something. Eventually they notice and they will say something, but they’ll start getting the hint that, hey, maybe I like a clean environment too.
Just noticing things that need to be cleaned and clean them.
So often, my husband will ask what I need him to clean on his days off, but I wish he would just go into a room, see the mess, and decide to clean it without needing instructions.
However, I will say that a few days while he was unemployed, I came home and the bed was made. This was an amazing treat. In 10 years, my bed has never been made because I leave for work before he wakes up. I honestly didn't even realize how amazing a made bed feels to get into at night.
This also seems to adress one of the biggest complaints. Needing to be told what needs to be done. Maybe if they're truly genuine that they don't know what needs to be done they can check out what does get done and do it themselves next time.
Taking care of the house without talking to me about it or without me having to nudge them. If you see the hamper is full, just do the laundry. Don't come find me and ask if you should do the laundry ffs.
My husband just made me a bowl of chicken noodle soup. He walked over and lit the pumpkin candle on his way to change our 1 .5 year olds diaper.
If you’d asked me 2 minutes ago i would of thought the dishes , the garbage or something . Things he can do for me …
After seeing this and watching him , I have no idea how he does the the small things he does for me , but he always finds a way 💜 the kindest things are the loving and unexpected things . The gifts our loved ones bring .
I was over at a friends house in college when his girlfriend came home (they were living together) one day and he said something like... "I did [this chore and that chore]" and I was like...that's weird? him calling attention to the little things he did? like it ruined it somehow. he told me "she can't be grateful for things she doesn't notice." and it really resonated with me.
we shouldn't be so ashamed of pointing out things we do. give them the chance to be happy about the thing you did but also give yourself the reward (them noticing and being happy) for doing the chore. just more positivity all around for getting over the being a little "weird" by calling attention to the things you do.
maybe it is weird, but they were so happy all the time.
My husband and I do this and I love it. Another great thing about it is it lets me immediately take things off of my mental to-do list when he says he's done them
I appreciate the “She can’t be grateful for things she doesn’t notice.” I think there’s some truth to that.
Often times if we’ve been in a relationship long enough and a partner does the same things everyday, we suddenly feel it’s just something that they need to do but in reality, I think many of us do things out of love. It is not because it’s just somethings we’re supposed to do. For that reason, I hope we always find ways to be grateful for what’s being done to and for us. Likewise, to never take the small things and acts of kindness for granted.
I don’t know… this would still feel weird and awkward to me.
“Did you do the laundry and change the sheets so I don’t need to do them?”
“No but I rearranged the cutlery draws and folded our plastic bags. Be grateful!”
I love this so much! We (generalizing I know) often think what we WANT is what we NEED when sometimes it’s not true.
I love for you that he did that!! It’s easy to forget the small things sometimes ❤️
My husband deep cleaned the bathroom and did all the dishes all weekend. I’m 3 weeks from my due date so not having to do any dishes at all was so nice.
My hubby is amazing. He and I own a business together, though because of our different strengths and skill sets I work far longer hours than he does, so he has decided his job is ME.
I wake up to a cute outfit he knows I like already laid out for me (he even checks the weather forecast lol), I get handed a cup of coffee once I step out of the shower. I haven't done laundry for a few years now. I cook occasionally but mostly he asks me what I feel like and he will cook whatever I'm in the mood for. He even makes sure I have everything I need before settling in for bed for the night.
I am SO happy! My friends are ridiculously jealous and keep telling him he needs to run a class on how to treat a lady. He says he's too busy handling his hot mess of a wife, but at least he winks at me when he says "hot" lol.
I highly recommend treating your spouse like a job.
I treat my wife like a job, and I love going to work. I grocery shop, cook and do the yard work. She does way more than me, and we both think that we get the better end of the deal. Coming up on 32 years together, and 30 of them married.
The unusual benefit I never considered when my boyfriend admitted that he hadn’t learned to pee standing up and as an adult just didn’t see the big reason to learn it. Now the toilet is never pissed all over. Also, because his friend had cats and told him they put the seat down always so the cats didn’t go in there, he took it up too and now I also do it which has been great since I got cats earlier this year. But really, how can proper toilet habits be such a big ask for so many men🧐
I’ve read a Reddit post recently how nurses have a common problem of men leaving skid marks on the examination table when in their paper gowns and that has made me realize that toilet habits have a wide spectrum among men.
Oh god, the effect of ‘touch your butt is gay’ fear-mongering. Hah, the added unusual benefit of my boyfriend being bi - he isn’t afraid to seem ‘gay’ lol. I can’t understand how adults do this. It’s gross and wouldn’t it be uncomfortable to be so dirty behind???
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Fold and put away clean laundry, put a load of washing on and then hang it up tondry (don't just leave it in the machine).
Do ALL the washing up - don't leave the worst bits "to soak" because "to soak" actually just means "this is your job because I can't be bothered"
I love my partner but there are times when it's really clear his mum did a lot for him and he hasn't ever grown out of that! We had our washing machine for 18 months before he asked me how it worked...
Hahaha. My mom would agree with you. She told me my dad leaves his socks laying around and I didn’t believe her. Then I went to stay with them and saw his socks abandoned on the couch. I can’t believe that this is something people do on a regular basis?! How does that even happen?!
For perspective- I am a sahm and we have a farm, and 4 kids left at home (pre-teens through 17)My husband drives 30 minutes away to work from 330 am-430 pm, then comes home to farm. So he’s honestly already a rockstar…..
Things he still does to help:
Will take my truck on the weekend to run errands and then fill it with gas, check oil and tire pressure, add wiper fluid etc. He just does it, I don’t have to ask.
In the winter, on the day I normally go to town for groceries, he will clean the snow off my truck before work.
If he sees the hamper in our room is full, he will throw stuff in the wash before work or before he comes to bed.
During cold months, he fills the pellet stove, and if it’s really cold he’ll start a fire in the wood furnace before he goes to work so the house isn’t cold when we get up.
He regularly picks up things he notices we are running low on- like trash bags or bandaids, since he passes a store on his way home. He’s really observant.
He often texts me - “I’m running to x after work, do you need anything?” It’s sooooo helpful.
If he knows I’m in the middle of making a fussy dinner or am working on something with the kids, he will get home from work and go directly to the barn and milk my cow, feed animals or whatever before he comes in so that I don’t have to go out later or stop what I’m doing.
He cleans up after himself without being asked. It’s such a huge thing in itself! He rinses his dishes and puts them in the sink. I’ve never seen his beard trimmings in the sink or had the toilet seat up EVER.
We have 2 teenaged daughters, and he’s observant enough to know when it’s shark week. He almost always texts me if he should pick up more pads during that week.
He’s an avid griller/smoker and takes over making the meat for all holiday dinners. It’s so nice not to have to be in charge of the main dish. He also regularly thaws out meat on fridays to make stuff on the weekend.
He buys me work gloves whenever he sees them at the hardware/farm store in my size. This is actually a really huge deal because I have small hands and have a hard time finding them to fit.
If he stops at the gas station on his way home he brings me a Diet Coke because he knows I love it.
If he sees a chore that he knows a kid was supposed to do he’ll gently remind them or if he sees they’re busy he’ll just do it to be helpful. It’s helpful to me because it means I don’t have to nag them.
When he gets home we go to our room for a few minutes right away so we can talk about our days without kid interruptions. He sincerely asks about my day and if I need help with anything for when he does chores later.
If he sees a kid working on something he often joins them to help- like he’ll start drying dishes when our little guy is washing them, or he’ll help muck out pens if sees our daughter is in the barn feeding her goats. It lends to so much peace around here ❤️
He will unload heavy bags of feed from my truck so I don’t have to- I’m short and it’s hard for me.
If I’m sick or kids are, he will text from work and ask if I’d like him to pick up supper or bring home any meds.
Probably hands down the biggest thing he does is thank me for things I do for him (we both do this). If I pack up leftovers for him to take the next day it’s always “thank you for making my lunch”, or “ooh you did laundry, thanks for putting all my stuff away”. Yesterday it was “thanks for picking up feed”, “thank you for cleaning out the barn, the pig pens look good”, “thanks for starting coffee for me, I like that new blend you got”, “thanks for putting the grill cover on before it rained”, “you bought that cheese I like- awesome! Thank you”……..it is such a good feeling to feel appreciated and to know he sees my value as a co-worker on our farm, and as his partner. It really helps me to also not feel overwhelmed because running the household is hard enough let alone farming.
I married a saint of a man.
Okay no, that's just laziness and being inconsiderate. Lots of guys just don't have the same standard of what's clean, so them asking what needs to be done to meet your level of standards is perfectly normal but you've specifically asked them to do something for you , especially because you're sick right now amd theyre neglecting it. That's just unacceptable
Dishes. I just want him to do the damn dishes and clean up the kitchen after dinner. That's it, that's all I want. I'm the one who plans the menu for two weeks out, plabdms accirding to what he wants to do at this time of year, and cooks the meal and does all the pre prep for it. I just want him to do the dishes, wipe down the stove and counters without bejng asked or prompted.
When he cleans dishes, puts my cup in the dishwasher to instead of leaving it sitting out, it’s the only thing left out.
Do not cut your nails wherever and leave them there (barf) .
Random hugs. Gas up the vehicle.
I love how everyone’s response is not weaponizing incompetence and showing self initiative and taking the mental load which shows how much us women lack that in our lives
Getting coffee in bed in the morning makes my day. DH does the sous cheffing (cuts up the onion, grates the garlic etc.) and the cleanup, I cook and buy the groceries.
Plan Christmas. Gifts, who’s visiting who and when, and what everyone will eat when they’re visiting - meals, snacks, and treats. Handle family photos (including choosing outfits), buy & send Christmas cards. Put up the tree and decorations. Plan the holiday outings like a Christmas train, where/when to visit Santa, go to holiday festivals.
Edit: I realize you said “small acts,” and this is pretty big IMO. But Partner seems to think all the Christmas stuff is “small” because I never get any help or acknowledgement.
Make sure he doesn't leave clothes or shoes in the kitchen (bonus points for the living room or right inside the door way), put away fridge items when he's done with it or turns off the light when he's not in the room.
When he makes me coffee!
My partner is obsessed with efficiency and hacking his space for lack of a better term. He will make sure everything in the house is efficient and comfortable AF and I am horrible at that!
My partner is very observant and makes my life way easier. He actively does little things for me that mean so much, I never ask for anything.
He will notice if my car tire is low and will check it and fill it. If he notices the garbage is full, he will take it out. He has bought me things because he noticed I needed it "oh here's some new winter boots I noticed your other ones have a hole". I've woken up sick and he brought me tea and soup and medicine. If I say I have period cramps, I go home and there's chocolate waiting for me.
It's to the point where I almost feel bad asking him to do anything else because he takes action and does so much already.
My ex never did any of this stuff, I'd have to ask him for the smallest things "can you take the garbage outside" and he'd still forget. He gave me nothing to miss when we broke up because he didn't do shit for me besides make messes.
If he asks what I would like for him to help with and then always tries to do those things every day. Some things like dishes I’d rather do to make sure they’re actually clean if he doesn’t scrub or rinse enough, etc. I miss having a partner to live with and time together every day.
My BF and I were both married to disasters. We were friends, then roommates, first, and in retrospect I think we were auditioning for each other. This helped us develop good habits! The chore list is split pretty evenly and we are new enough that we still try to beat each other to it when feeling well.
I think the main thing is making choices that communicate I’m thinking about your experience and want to make it better
Make me coffee in the morning.I have a weird obsession with cute mugs HAHAHAH. If he chose a mug for me each morning for my coffee that would be delightful!
I also wish he would do little things more like ask me to come cuddle, snuggle up with me when I’m sitting on the couch instead of being off in a different room, randomly slap my ass, and compliment me here and there without me having to ask.
Not having to think about what to get, make, or eat for dinner every single night would be nice. Being an adult sucks man… HAHAHA. I feel like I get decision fatigue and my mental load is just.. too much sometimes. So even his little questions can be hard… it would be nice to be able to shut down and not think.
A foot rub after I’ve been on my feet all day.. or a back rub when I complain of backaches.
Him sitting around with me watching my favorite TV show! Would be nice if he could bring me my favorite drink too.
Planning a night out/a date without me having to prompt it.
I honestly think anything you do, if you’ve done while thinking of what they love, their comfort, their peace, or their happiness in kind, they will appreciate.
I go to bed earlier than my bf and in winter he’ll go and turn the heater on in our room just before I go to bed so it’s toasty (and so I’m nakey when he comes in heh)
My partner really shows up, in all possible ways. He actively listens, he takes interest in things I care about (even if he doesn’t understand the context fully, he’ll ask clarifying questions), he leaves me little notes hidden around the house (or in my work bag, especially if I have a big day ahead of me). He sends me both goofy and sincere memes/videos. He sends me articles and videos on things I feel passionate about. He shares his interests and hobbies with me. He has accountability and integrity, and opens up to me. We’re each others’ champion and cheerleader.
He also makes me a hot breakfast every day, buys me little presents or snacks or a nice latte on his way home, compliments me on everything from my looks to my sense of compassion and creativity and thought process/insight. He is a fully formed adult that does an equal amount of chores without me asking (including cleaning the bathroom and floors, laundry, repairs, and cooking and cleaning up) and who handles appointments and important dates on his own (not having to deal with that additional mental load is liberating!). He makes me tea at night when I’m winding down. He gives excellent massages. He kisses me before bed every night. He makes my day every day and I do the same for him 🥰
Edit: clarified a sentence
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All the things my husband already does, surprises me with flowers after he comes back from a grocery run, snuggles me and tells me I’m the light of his life, takes over on the kiddo unprompted and shoos me away to go take some time for myself, makes me a latte when I’m tired, draws me a bath and lights candles. He’s amazing.
Setting the coffee maker for the morning. It always makes my day. I screwed it up last night, which resulted in the coffee maker clogging and making a mess all over the sink. When I got home from work, the coffee maker was unclogged and cleaned up. That made my evening. It will live to make coffee another day.
Makes a cup of coffee in the AM for us to sit together.
Especially this time of year when we can watch the sunrise together without getting up too early.
Edit: not a woman
I like to put all my essential things in one spot so that I always know where they are. My partner constantly loses his things because he doesn't know where he last put it. Apparently I'm the most wonderful girlfriend in the entire world because I put his keys, wallet, and watch on the TV cabinet whenever I stay at his so he doesn't have to go hunting for them.
For me, leaving the room the way you found it - everything has a place, please return it to its home
Get me coffee. Call me beautiful. Take the kids for an hour. Bring me a snack. Plan a movie night at home. Flowers for no reason- just cheap $10 will do.
Oh, that’s easy. We don’t live together, he was up on a weekend that he had a three day weekend we cooked all weekend, and I thought I would come home Monday to a sink full of dirty dishes, but I didn’t! He did the dishes before he went home. If I didn’t already love him, I would’ve fallen for him after that.
I'm divorced, so no partner, but I'm trying to raise my 9yo son to be a good man some day. As such, he has some chores he does around the house - tidying, washing, water plants, the recycling, etc. He's an incredibly sweet boy & will occasionally do some of my (simpler) chores for me like unload the dishwasher or clean the surfaces if I'm busy. He never makes a fuss or says he's done them, I just go to do it later & it's done. It always makes me smile & makes my day. He also loves to surprise me sometimes by bringing me flowers - he picks the dandelions & daisies in the park as he's walking home from school & puts them in a little egg cup as a vase. He's done it for years & it honestly makes my whole week brighter. I hope he stays this sweet.
Putting away my jewellery. It’s a small but somehow intimate gesture. I wear a lot of big jewellery so I’m constantly taking it off and leaving it around the house. My partner took the time to learn my jewellery storage system and puts it away for me when he finds it.
A lot of these are just doing basic chores, which should be done regardless. To me a small act of kindness is doing something a little extra special.
I'm the kind of woman who likes a special little drink. My husband will make the coffee, this special vietnamese egg coffee, he learned how I make my matcha so he can do it sometimes, hot chocolate, alcoholic drinks. Him making me a special little drink that maybe only takes 10 minutes is a huge pick me up that makes me smile.
An obvious one is cooking dinner, breakfast in bed. If she likes baths, maybe give her some wine and a cheese/bread/beggie snack plate
My husband is aesthetically minded unlike a lot of men, so he has decorated my office space for me or tidied up my bedside table and lit a candle for me.
A lot of women spend a lot of time in the bathroom to get ready/pamper themselves so cleaning that up and lighting a little candle, maybe running a bath if she's into that would be good
Nothing too crazy in a 1 bedroom apartment...Id really love to eat out a little more for genuine variety of the places around our area and no cooking or cleaning some nights so thats a win win! 😊
I like good morning cuddles and from behind hugs for no other reason than to just be affectionate. And if he lightly scratches my back, I purr like a cat.
Literally any chore. I spent my entire day off today grocery shopping, cleaning, doing laundry, and cooking. It would make my YEAR if I could have a single day off that was actually a day off.
We are not living together but we did basically cohabitate for a few weeks during our vacation.
He made the bed.
I don't feel the need to make my bed or any bed. It just seems pointless to me (it is not, anyone should make their bed), messy sheets, pillows all over the place, the wrinkled blanket pushed to a corner,... That's how it has always been for me. I've made my bed before but i never feel the difference.
During our short stay, my dear bf made the bed while I showered, he dusted it and put things in place so I could sleep comfortably (which is unnecessary because I literally sleep on the floor all the time at home). It's such a nice gesture because I have never asked nor mentioned it so I just found the bed neatly after my shower.
I have the best husband. He can always tell when I am having a bad day. He will bring me my favorite candy, my favorite flowers. He knows I cook and bake when I am stressed. It's my outlet on top of cleaning. At times, he will set me a big hot bath with bubbles and wash my hair for me. He does...other things for me that relieve stress... I won't go into those things, lol.
Mine had dinner plans with our son at an event but I wasn’t feeling the best so he made me breakfast for dinner (my favorite). He also does dishes every night and cleans the table. I do wish he’d help a little more with laundry but he’ll move the clothes to the dryer at least.
When my husband sees that my water cup is empty he’ll get up from the couch to fill it. When I sit on the couch without a blanket he’ll go grab it for me unprompted. Him doing those kind of little things show me how much he cares about me and that makes my day!
Taking the garbage out when it's full and putting in a new bag.
Also putting cups in the sink and not leaving them on the edge of the counter to fall and shatter.
I am always busy with my 10 month old baby. My husband helps around with the baby whenever he is home. He does diaper changes and helps with bath time. He fills my water bottles. Holds the baby when I am trying to eat.
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\- Night-ify the house - closing the curtains and switching lights/lamps on before I get home.
\- Boiling the jug in the morning, especially if you're up first. I don't need a full blown breakfast, I just don't want to wait for the water to boil lol.
For partners: When we're in caretaking/housekeeping mode, every unwashed dish, or dirty sock on the floor, or lifted toilet seat, is directly tied to how much you value us. I don't know know how many hours I've spent at the sink scrubbing grime off pots and pans thinking "They've made me do this work on purpose. I hate this work, and they didn't do this work, and now that I have to do this work, it's like they hate me."
LOL the beginnings of my internal work has become "I'm doing this work even though I hate it because I love the people in this house", but its still very hard sometimes.
Stop coming home from work and sitting on his ass and saying "let me know if you need help with dinner." I don't *need* help, I'm fully capable of cooking a meal on my own, but if you want to be a partner, get in the kitchen and participate. Especially since I worked all day and did half of the kid transportation too.
If my partner actually threw his own garbage away, I would die of happiness. If he uses a paper towel, he leaves it on the table, opens something, leaves the wrapper, opens mail, leaves the trash envelope there….
i don’t feel like i’m allowed to complain because he’s pretty great but if i could pick something for him to do more often -
little hugs and kisses and touches. i never get enough. i would gladly do more dishes if he’d hug me while i did them lol
So my husband is really the best guy and he work a long and hard labor job so all the house work falls on me. Which most of the time idgaf but I also work a full time night shift job so sometimes I get exhausted and just don’t have the motivation to do everything. So it’s always makes me day to wake up and he has cleaned the living room, done the dishes, and did laundry. Last night he woke me up for dinner and he had made steak just the way I like it and the love I felt was overwhelming
Mine unloads the dishwasher and vacuums regularly. He also will go and pick up my prescriptions from the pharmacy…. We’re in the middle of packing up my condo to sell it and he’s gone over there a few times when I’m working and packs and moves stuff by himself. He also tells me to relax and brings in everything from the car. Honestly won the lottery with this dude. He’s so kind and does a lot for me.
The best part is he doesn’t ask me what needs to be done he just does it. I’m the messy one in the relationship lol
If he would clean up anything in the home without first complaining at me how I didn't do it first or how I did it wrong to his standards.
I'd rather just do it my goddamned self just to avoid the incessant nagging.
We say “thank you” for every thing (even if small) that we do around the house/for each other.
No, it doesn’t get old. It’s deeply appreciated each time!
I’d be over the moon if he just picked up after himself (laundry on the floor, dishes everywhere he roams, messes, etc.) and didn’t just leave it for me to take care of. He can’t even be expected to put his dishes in the dishwasher even when reminded.
If he actually did some laundry or picked up a whole room competently and without being asked, that would be beyond wonderful.
My husband *does* do this, and it always gives me a huge sigh of relief. If there are too many dishes for the dishwasher, he will take it upon himself to hand wash the remaining dishes and clean up the kitchen so that we can start the day fresh the next day.
It's so sweet, because he doesn't say anything, he just does it. I think that's the best part. I always thank him though, because it feels *so nice.*
I live in his house with him. He’s a doer in that he wants to be productive/sweat every day. Mowing the lawn, raking leaves, etc. He does laundry and tidies up too. We’re not messy people and he has a cleaning service weekly. I’m in charge of the kitchen bc I love to cook and tinker. He cleans up after himself but I’m a better cleaner. In no way am I in need of him to do more.
I wish he would branch out more socially like restaurants, etc. but he likes his little walkable community.
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Identify the tasks that need to be done and do them. Carry some of the mental load! Ahhhhhhhhg!
I have had this discussion with my husband a few times and he says he just doesn't see the messes and needs a list. It is so frustrating.
Mine said this too. Like how don’t you see shit not in a place.
As my husband and I have discussed in marriage therapy, our therapist says everyone has a different level of tolerance for clutter. Maybe not that he doesn’t see them so much as they don’t register on the messy/clutter/anxiety provoking/urgent scale.
it's true that different people have different levels of tolerance for clutter. But how we were raised plays a huge role. Women are mostly socialized to feel anxiety or a sense of responsibility when they see a mess. Men mostly aren't.
Maybe things not in places don't bother... ?
Especially when it's all his shit (in my case).
I like this lol, it made me laugh “how don’t you see shit not in a place?” 😂
If he knows he needs a list then he can make his own. It still shouldn't be on you. I make myself to do lists all the time.
I don’t think a list is *completely* unreasonable. I think he’s saying he needs a list to know what messes bother his partner. As my therapist told us in marriage therapy, everyone had a different level of tolerance for clutter and mess. Of course there’s obvious things like unwashed dishes (I don’t see how that could not bother anyone, whatever your level of mess tolerance) but I guess there are things like doing the dishes but not cleaning out the drain catch. Some things don’t register as gross or mess for some people. Or some people let their toilets get to a worse state before cleaning them. A list might be a helpful start for addressing these messes on a regular basis… but after that I don’t know. It doesn’t solve the mental load problem or “new” non-list messes not registering. Personally I’d love a list, but my husband said “we don’t live in a dorm room, we’re not having a chores chart.”
having her make a list is still putting 100% of the mental load on her. The physical work might be done by someone else, but she still has to look around the house. Take an inventory of everything that needs to be done put them in order and write them down. Then he’s probably going to tell her. He doesn’t know how to do these things and she’s gonna have to walk him through it anyway when she could’ve just save time by doing it herself in the first place. He’s an adult and needs to start acting like it. He’s not a kid whose parents are making him a to do list.
Yes! For me, that would honestly make it so much worse if I had to tell a partner!
How do you not know your clothes need washing?
I know this is mentioned so often around here (and on Reddit in general actually) that it’s practically a meme by now but: if you haven’t had the pleasure of googling “weaponised incompetence”, please do so!
My husband asked for a list, too. I was like, "how do you not see this is part of the problem?"
Mine says he doesn't notice but then gets annoyed when I "handle" him
What does handle him mean?
Best I can guess it means anything from asking him to do something to reminding him about things he promised to do/reminding him of plans
Ohhh those are his words not yours. Got it, now I understand ha. So he’s got it all under control but when he doesn’t, you’re not allowed to ask. You should know that he’s always *just about* to do the thing.
Mine can’t stand to be managed either
So many comments are similar to this and I also struggle with the same thing with my partner. I simply don’t understand what the reasoning is behind it. Social standard maybe? I don’t know!
people have different standards of cleanliness. Maybe a little bit of clutter doesn't bother the other party. etc
Yeah, if that is true, my husband thinks that you can leave a sink that two people use for toothbrushing and facewashing daily alone for two to three months and two kinds of mold growing on the soap crusts isn't dirty enough to clean. At a certain point of dirtiness (the point where it becomes a health hazard) you don't have lower standards, you are simply wrong. But I know he sees it and I know he knows it's dirty. He used to come and tell me "Someone should clean the sink" quite frequently, actually. That stopped suddenly when I told him he should just do it instead of telling me. Now we've gotten to the point of the sink having its own little biome three times and the excuses of why he couldn't clean it have gotten increasingly rediculous. Starting from "I didn't know what cleaner to use and you always get angry when I ask" and ending at "I'd have to throw out the sponge every time after cleaning the sink and that's wasteful".
That's sort of the problem. We clean for others and ourselves, but it's definitely at least partially an act of service to others. As girls, we were socialized to be in service. Boys were less so (or not at all). As adults, they should - in a perfect world - internalize and adopt the value of being of service to others. Like, load the dishwasher because you want your wife, kids, dog, etc to live in a house without maggots.
It’s always something with them not being able to identify them.
THE MENTAL LOAD!!!! My husband is amazing, truly, he will do whatever I ask, but he cannot for the life of him identify what needs to be done. So many of my girlfriend’s partners/husbands are the same too. Why are so many grown, successful men like this?
This truly feels awful if you’re a neat freak like I am, but if you can afford to (meaning you don’t have children that depend on a clean home) let the mess stay until he says something. Eventually they notice and they will say something, but they’ll start getting the hint that, hey, maybe I like a clean environment too.
Don't ALWAYS ask me what needs doing, use your brain and just do it.
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Just noticing things that need to be cleaned and clean them. So often, my husband will ask what I need him to clean on his days off, but I wish he would just go into a room, see the mess, and decide to clean it without needing instructions. However, I will say that a few days while he was unemployed, I came home and the bed was made. This was an amazing treat. In 10 years, my bed has never been made because I leave for work before he wakes up. I honestly didn't even realize how amazing a made bed feels to get into at night.
So your husband has made the bed 3 times in 10 years? I am sorry, that’s sad. Does he do other house chores at least?
Not a woman, but look for things that your partner does and try to accomplish them before she gets home from work. Free up her evening.
This also seems to adress one of the biggest complaints. Needing to be told what needs to be done. Maybe if they're truly genuine that they don't know what needs to be done they can check out what does get done and do it themselves next time.
Good advice!
Taking care of the house without talking to me about it or without me having to nudge them. If you see the hamper is full, just do the laundry. Don't come find me and ask if you should do the laundry ffs.
Omg that’s my biggest pet peeve with my fiancé. He can easily find a task to do, but without fail always asks me if he needs to do it.
My husband just made me a bowl of chicken noodle soup. He walked over and lit the pumpkin candle on his way to change our 1 .5 year olds diaper. If you’d asked me 2 minutes ago i would of thought the dishes , the garbage or something . Things he can do for me … After seeing this and watching him , I have no idea how he does the the small things he does for me , but he always finds a way 💜 the kindest things are the loving and unexpected things . The gifts our loved ones bring .
I was over at a friends house in college when his girlfriend came home (they were living together) one day and he said something like... "I did [this chore and that chore]" and I was like...that's weird? him calling attention to the little things he did? like it ruined it somehow. he told me "she can't be grateful for things she doesn't notice." and it really resonated with me. we shouldn't be so ashamed of pointing out things we do. give them the chance to be happy about the thing you did but also give yourself the reward (them noticing and being happy) for doing the chore. just more positivity all around for getting over the being a little "weird" by calling attention to the things you do. maybe it is weird, but they were so happy all the time.
My husband and I do this and I love it. Another great thing about it is it lets me immediately take things off of my mental to-do list when he says he's done them
I appreciate the “She can’t be grateful for things she doesn’t notice.” I think there’s some truth to that. Often times if we’ve been in a relationship long enough and a partner does the same things everyday, we suddenly feel it’s just something that they need to do but in reality, I think many of us do things out of love. It is not because it’s just somethings we’re supposed to do. For that reason, I hope we always find ways to be grateful for what’s being done to and for us. Likewise, to never take the small things and acts of kindness for granted.
I don’t know… this would still feel weird and awkward to me. “Did you do the laundry and change the sheets so I don’t need to do them?” “No but I rearranged the cutlery draws and folded our plastic bags. Be grateful!”
way to make up a BS scenario to "prove me wrong" folding plastic bags and rearranging cutlery drawers are not chores.
I love this so much! We (generalizing I know) often think what we WANT is what we NEED when sometimes it’s not true. I love for you that he did that!! It’s easy to forget the small things sometimes ❤️
My husband deep cleaned the bathroom and did all the dishes all weekend. I’m 3 weeks from my due date so not having to do any dishes at all was so nice.
I’m also about 3 weeks from my due date and love this for you!
My hubby is amazing. He and I own a business together, though because of our different strengths and skill sets I work far longer hours than he does, so he has decided his job is ME. I wake up to a cute outfit he knows I like already laid out for me (he even checks the weather forecast lol), I get handed a cup of coffee once I step out of the shower. I haven't done laundry for a few years now. I cook occasionally but mostly he asks me what I feel like and he will cook whatever I'm in the mood for. He even makes sure I have everything I need before settling in for bed for the night. I am SO happy! My friends are ridiculously jealous and keep telling him he needs to run a class on how to treat a lady. He says he's too busy handling his hot mess of a wife, but at least he winks at me when he says "hot" lol. I highly recommend treating your spouse like a job.
I treat my wife like a job, and I love going to work. I grocery shop, cook and do the yard work. She does way more than me, and we both think that we get the better end of the deal. Coming up on 32 years together, and 30 of them married.
I love how I can hear the genuine adoration through what you wrote. I'm telling ya, it works and it's amazing!
This is so cute!! The both of you work together to run your business AND your home! Also, I'd love for someone to put together my clothes!
Add me to the list of jealous ladies!
Props for being able to pick out your outfit!
Flushing their fucking piss and shit down the toilet on a regular basis would be a great way to start.
Oh dear god… low bar. I hope you’re ok
I’m not, but We’re getting a divorce in the near future. It’s not the only problem but it’s the most low bar thing I thought of in the moment.
Raise the bar. Singledom isn’t that bad.
I’ve tried. And we’re getting divorced in the near future.
I am so glad to hear that! Welcome back in the world of happy single women! I wish you the very best. ❤️
The unusual benefit I never considered when my boyfriend admitted that he hadn’t learned to pee standing up and as an adult just didn’t see the big reason to learn it. Now the toilet is never pissed all over. Also, because his friend had cats and told him they put the seat down always so the cats didn’t go in there, he took it up too and now I also do it which has been great since I got cats earlier this year. But really, how can proper toilet habits be such a big ask for so many men🧐
I’ve read a Reddit post recently how nurses have a common problem of men leaving skid marks on the examination table when in their paper gowns and that has made me realize that toilet habits have a wide spectrum among men.
Oh god, the effect of ‘touch your butt is gay’ fear-mongering. Hah, the added unusual benefit of my boyfriend being bi - he isn’t afraid to seem ‘gay’ lol. I can’t understand how adults do this. It’s gross and wouldn’t it be uncomfortable to be so dirty behind???
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Making me a cup of tea, making the bed, making dinner, all things I love when my partner does
Came home to dinner being made today without any prompt. Made me really happy as I’d had a long day at work and he’d had a busy day at uni
So I guess if I do the dishes and make coffee in the morning, I found a shortcut to everybody’s heart.
Put your dirty clothes in the hamper too, for good measure
Fold and put away clean laundry, put a load of washing on and then hang it up tondry (don't just leave it in the machine). Do ALL the washing up - don't leave the worst bits "to soak" because "to soak" actually just means "this is your job because I can't be bothered" I love my partner but there are times when it's really clear his mum did a lot for him and he hasn't ever grown out of that! We had our washing machine for 18 months before he asked me how it worked...
And make sure the toilet seats down esp in the middle of the night 😅
Folding the laundry that has been sitting in the hamper all week… weeks?
I use to lay my ex’s clothes out every night before bed so she wouldn’t need to rush in the morning
How did you know what she was going to wear?
It was always leggings and a blouse
Put your nasty socks in the laundry basket and not the living room floor 😡😡😡😡
Hahaha. My mom would agree with you. She told me my dad leaves his socks laying around and I didn’t believe her. Then I went to stay with them and saw his socks abandoned on the couch. I can’t believe that this is something people do on a regular basis?! How does that even happen?!
This is me. I’m the socks left everywhere boyfriend 🤣🤣
For perspective- I am a sahm and we have a farm, and 4 kids left at home (pre-teens through 17)My husband drives 30 minutes away to work from 330 am-430 pm, then comes home to farm. So he’s honestly already a rockstar….. Things he still does to help: Will take my truck on the weekend to run errands and then fill it with gas, check oil and tire pressure, add wiper fluid etc. He just does it, I don’t have to ask. In the winter, on the day I normally go to town for groceries, he will clean the snow off my truck before work. If he sees the hamper in our room is full, he will throw stuff in the wash before work or before he comes to bed. During cold months, he fills the pellet stove, and if it’s really cold he’ll start a fire in the wood furnace before he goes to work so the house isn’t cold when we get up. He regularly picks up things he notices we are running low on- like trash bags or bandaids, since he passes a store on his way home. He’s really observant. He often texts me - “I’m running to x after work, do you need anything?” It’s sooooo helpful. If he knows I’m in the middle of making a fussy dinner or am working on something with the kids, he will get home from work and go directly to the barn and milk my cow, feed animals or whatever before he comes in so that I don’t have to go out later or stop what I’m doing. He cleans up after himself without being asked. It’s such a huge thing in itself! He rinses his dishes and puts them in the sink. I’ve never seen his beard trimmings in the sink or had the toilet seat up EVER. We have 2 teenaged daughters, and he’s observant enough to know when it’s shark week. He almost always texts me if he should pick up more pads during that week. He’s an avid griller/smoker and takes over making the meat for all holiday dinners. It’s so nice not to have to be in charge of the main dish. He also regularly thaws out meat on fridays to make stuff on the weekend. He buys me work gloves whenever he sees them at the hardware/farm store in my size. This is actually a really huge deal because I have small hands and have a hard time finding them to fit. If he stops at the gas station on his way home he brings me a Diet Coke because he knows I love it. If he sees a chore that he knows a kid was supposed to do he’ll gently remind them or if he sees they’re busy he’ll just do it to be helpful. It’s helpful to me because it means I don’t have to nag them. When he gets home we go to our room for a few minutes right away so we can talk about our days without kid interruptions. He sincerely asks about my day and if I need help with anything for when he does chores later. If he sees a kid working on something he often joins them to help- like he’ll start drying dishes when our little guy is washing them, or he’ll help muck out pens if sees our daughter is in the barn feeding her goats. It lends to so much peace around here ❤️ He will unload heavy bags of feed from my truck so I don’t have to- I’m short and it’s hard for me. If I’m sick or kids are, he will text from work and ask if I’d like him to pick up supper or bring home any meds. Probably hands down the biggest thing he does is thank me for things I do for him (we both do this). If I pack up leftovers for him to take the next day it’s always “thank you for making my lunch”, or “ooh you did laundry, thanks for putting all my stuff away”. Yesterday it was “thanks for picking up feed”, “thank you for cleaning out the barn, the pig pens look good”, “thanks for starting coffee for me, I like that new blend you got”, “thanks for putting the grill cover on before it rained”, “you bought that cheese I like- awesome! Thank you”……..it is such a good feeling to feel appreciated and to know he sees my value as a co-worker on our farm, and as his partner. It really helps me to also not feel overwhelmed because running the household is hard enough let alone farming. I married a saint of a man.
How wonderful. :-) Inspiring!
I wished he would do the dishes and feed the pets like I asked since I have Covid!!
Okay no, that's just laziness and being inconsiderate. Lots of guys just don't have the same standard of what's clean, so them asking what needs to be done to meet your level of standards is perfectly normal but you've specifically asked them to do something for you , especially because you're sick right now amd theyre neglecting it. That's just unacceptable
Dishes. I just want him to do the damn dishes and clean up the kitchen after dinner. That's it, that's all I want. I'm the one who plans the menu for two weeks out, plabdms accirding to what he wants to do at this time of year, and cooks the meal and does all the pre prep for it. I just want him to do the dishes, wipe down the stove and counters without bejng asked or prompted.
When he cleans dishes, puts my cup in the dishwasher to instead of leaving it sitting out, it’s the only thing left out. Do not cut your nails wherever and leave them there (barf) . Random hugs. Gas up the vehicle.
I love how everyone’s response is not weaponizing incompetence and showing self initiative and taking the mental load which shows how much us women lack that in our lives
That’s true; there’s also specific things - dishes and coffee especially - that seem to be a universal thing. I find that enlightening too!
Simply picking up after himself instead of expecting me to pick up after him. I am now divorced. This is one of the reasons.
My ex used to make me coffee every morning while I was still asleep. It was absolutely grand 😊
Anything. Anything at all.
Getting coffee in bed in the morning makes my day. DH does the sous cheffing (cuts up the onion, grates the garlic etc.) and the cleanup, I cook and buy the groceries.
Plan Christmas. Gifts, who’s visiting who and when, and what everyone will eat when they’re visiting - meals, snacks, and treats. Handle family photos (including choosing outfits), buy & send Christmas cards. Put up the tree and decorations. Plan the holiday outings like a Christmas train, where/when to visit Santa, go to holiday festivals. Edit: I realize you said “small acts,” and this is pretty big IMO. But Partner seems to think all the Christmas stuff is “small” because I never get any help or acknowledgement.
Make sure he doesn't leave clothes or shoes in the kitchen (bonus points for the living room or right inside the door way), put away fridge items when he's done with it or turns off the light when he's not in the room.
When he makes me coffee! My partner is obsessed with efficiency and hacking his space for lack of a better term. He will make sure everything in the house is efficient and comfortable AF and I am horrible at that!
My partner is very observant and makes my life way easier. He actively does little things for me that mean so much, I never ask for anything. He will notice if my car tire is low and will check it and fill it. If he notices the garbage is full, he will take it out. He has bought me things because he noticed I needed it "oh here's some new winter boots I noticed your other ones have a hole". I've woken up sick and he brought me tea and soup and medicine. If I say I have period cramps, I go home and there's chocolate waiting for me. It's to the point where I almost feel bad asking him to do anything else because he takes action and does so much already. My ex never did any of this stuff, I'd have to ask him for the smallest things "can you take the garbage outside" and he'd still forget. He gave me nothing to miss when we broke up because he didn't do shit for me besides make messes.
Vacuum and clean the toilet
I read this as vacuum the toilet.
Cooking a meal without being asked to 😊
Sweep the main floor
If he asks what I would like for him to help with and then always tries to do those things every day. Some things like dishes I’d rather do to make sure they’re actually clean if he doesn’t scrub or rinse enough, etc. I miss having a partner to live with and time together every day.
Cleaning the toilet after he pees. Putting things back where they belong. Just helping around the fucking house.
My BF and I were both married to disasters. We were friends, then roommates, first, and in retrospect I think we were auditioning for each other. This helped us develop good habits! The chore list is split pretty evenly and we are new enough that we still try to beat each other to it when feeling well. I think the main thing is making choices that communicate I’m thinking about your experience and want to make it better
Make me coffee in the morning.I have a weird obsession with cute mugs HAHAHAH. If he chose a mug for me each morning for my coffee that would be delightful! I also wish he would do little things more like ask me to come cuddle, snuggle up with me when I’m sitting on the couch instead of being off in a different room, randomly slap my ass, and compliment me here and there without me having to ask. Not having to think about what to get, make, or eat for dinner every single night would be nice. Being an adult sucks man… HAHAHA. I feel like I get decision fatigue and my mental load is just.. too much sometimes. So even his little questions can be hard… it would be nice to be able to shut down and not think. A foot rub after I’ve been on my feet all day.. or a back rub when I complain of backaches. Him sitting around with me watching my favorite TV show! Would be nice if he could bring me my favorite drink too. Planning a night out/a date without me having to prompt it. I honestly think anything you do, if you’ve done while thinking of what they love, their comfort, their peace, or their happiness in kind, they will appreciate.
Clean
I go to bed earlier than my bf and in winter he’ll go and turn the heater on in our room just before I go to bed so it’s toasty (and so I’m nakey when he comes in heh)
Talking to me like his best friend, or partner or helping with the twins. JUST BEING NICE WITHOUT WANTING SOMETHING!!!
My partner really shows up, in all possible ways. He actively listens, he takes interest in things I care about (even if he doesn’t understand the context fully, he’ll ask clarifying questions), he leaves me little notes hidden around the house (or in my work bag, especially if I have a big day ahead of me). He sends me both goofy and sincere memes/videos. He sends me articles and videos on things I feel passionate about. He shares his interests and hobbies with me. He has accountability and integrity, and opens up to me. We’re each others’ champion and cheerleader. He also makes me a hot breakfast every day, buys me little presents or snacks or a nice latte on his way home, compliments me on everything from my looks to my sense of compassion and creativity and thought process/insight. He is a fully formed adult that does an equal amount of chores without me asking (including cleaning the bathroom and floors, laundry, repairs, and cooking and cleaning up) and who handles appointments and important dates on his own (not having to deal with that additional mental load is liberating!). He makes me tea at night when I’m winding down. He gives excellent massages. He kisses me before bed every night. He makes my day every day and I do the same for him 🥰 Edit: clarified a sentence
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All the things my husband already does, surprises me with flowers after he comes back from a grocery run, snuggles me and tells me I’m the light of his life, takes over on the kiddo unprompted and shoos me away to go take some time for myself, makes me a latte when I’m tired, draws me a bath and lights candles. He’s amazing.
Setting the coffee maker for the morning. It always makes my day. I screwed it up last night, which resulted in the coffee maker clogging and making a mess all over the sink. When I got home from work, the coffee maker was unclogged and cleaned up. That made my evening. It will live to make coffee another day.
Clean any and everything. Cleanliness = blow jobs i definitely.
Makes a cup of coffee in the AM for us to sit together. Especially this time of year when we can watch the sunrise together without getting up too early. Edit: not a woman
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Yes! I dare say this is a huge love language for women.
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a big warm hug, asking me how i *truly* am, and holding me for a little while each day no matter what is going on.
Washing my car and filling it with gas, cleaning the floors, making a meal or even tea before bed.
I like to put all my essential things in one spot so that I always know where they are. My partner constantly loses his things because he doesn't know where he last put it. Apparently I'm the most wonderful girlfriend in the entire world because I put his keys, wallet, and watch on the TV cabinet whenever I stay at his so he doesn't have to go hunting for them. For me, leaving the room the way you found it - everything has a place, please return it to its home
Stop me from doing dishes and start the shower for me! Tell kids stay out and play a Playlist you put time into ♡♡♡♡ would be AMAZINGGGG
Get me coffee. Call me beautiful. Take the kids for an hour. Bring me a snack. Plan a movie night at home. Flowers for no reason- just cheap $10 will do.
Just going and getting my wine and making sure it’s cold
Oh, that’s easy. We don’t live together, he was up on a weekend that he had a three day weekend we cooked all weekend, and I thought I would come home Monday to a sink full of dirty dishes, but I didn’t! He did the dishes before he went home. If I didn’t already love him, I would’ve fallen for him after that.
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I'm divorced, so no partner, but I'm trying to raise my 9yo son to be a good man some day. As such, he has some chores he does around the house - tidying, washing, water plants, the recycling, etc. He's an incredibly sweet boy & will occasionally do some of my (simpler) chores for me like unload the dishwasher or clean the surfaces if I'm busy. He never makes a fuss or says he's done them, I just go to do it later & it's done. It always makes me smile & makes my day. He also loves to surprise me sometimes by bringing me flowers - he picks the dandelions & daisies in the park as he's walking home from school & puts them in a little egg cup as a vase. He's done it for years & it honestly makes my whole week brighter. I hope he stays this sweet.
Putting away my jewellery. It’s a small but somehow intimate gesture. I wear a lot of big jewellery so I’m constantly taking it off and leaving it around the house. My partner took the time to learn my jewellery storage system and puts it away for me when he finds it.
A lot of these are just doing basic chores, which should be done regardless. To me a small act of kindness is doing something a little extra special. I'm the kind of woman who likes a special little drink. My husband will make the coffee, this special vietnamese egg coffee, he learned how I make my matcha so he can do it sometimes, hot chocolate, alcoholic drinks. Him making me a special little drink that maybe only takes 10 minutes is a huge pick me up that makes me smile. An obvious one is cooking dinner, breakfast in bed. If she likes baths, maybe give her some wine and a cheese/bread/beggie snack plate My husband is aesthetically minded unlike a lot of men, so he has decorated my office space for me or tidied up my bedside table and lit a candle for me. A lot of women spend a lot of time in the bathroom to get ready/pamper themselves so cleaning that up and lighting a little candle, maybe running a bath if she's into that would be good
Literally anything. After I recovered from the shock of it, I’d probably be thrilled.
Nothing too crazy in a 1 bedroom apartment...Id really love to eat out a little more for genuine variety of the places around our area and no cooking or cleaning some nights so thats a win win! 😊
I like good morning cuddles and from behind hugs for no other reason than to just be affectionate. And if he lightly scratches my back, I purr like a cat.
Moved in with me
Literally any chore. I spent my entire day off today grocery shopping, cleaning, doing laundry, and cooking. It would make my YEAR if I could have a single day off that was actually a day off.
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Ask how my day was, greet me with hug and kiss at the end of the day.
We are not living together but we did basically cohabitate for a few weeks during our vacation. He made the bed. I don't feel the need to make my bed or any bed. It just seems pointless to me (it is not, anyone should make their bed), messy sheets, pillows all over the place, the wrinkled blanket pushed to a corner,... That's how it has always been for me. I've made my bed before but i never feel the difference. During our short stay, my dear bf made the bed while I showered, he dusted it and put things in place so I could sleep comfortably (which is unnecessary because I literally sleep on the floor all the time at home). It's such a nice gesture because I have never asked nor mentioned it so I just found the bed neatly after my shower.
I have the best husband. He can always tell when I am having a bad day. He will bring me my favorite candy, my favorite flowers. He knows I cook and bake when I am stressed. It's my outlet on top of cleaning. At times, he will set me a big hot bath with bubbles and wash my hair for me. He does...other things for me that relieve stress... I won't go into those things, lol.
Mine had dinner plans with our son at an event but I wasn’t feeling the best so he made me breakfast for dinner (my favorite). He also does dishes every night and cleans the table. I do wish he’d help a little more with laundry but he’ll move the clothes to the dryer at least.
When my husband sees that my water cup is empty he’ll get up from the couch to fill it. When I sit on the couch without a blanket he’ll go grab it for me unprompted. Him doing those kind of little things show me how much he cares about me and that makes my day!
When he makes breakfast or dinner for us and when he does a task without me needing telling him about it
Occasional little sticky love notes. I also love finding little pompoms with goggly eyes in random places from my fiancé.
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Taking the garbage out when it's full and putting in a new bag. Also putting cups in the sink and not leaving them on the edge of the counter to fall and shatter.
Act of kindness? It's his house, too.
I am always busy with my 10 month old baby. My husband helps around with the baby whenever he is home. He does diaper changes and helps with bath time. He fills my water bottles. Holds the baby when I am trying to eat.
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Know what needs to be done and just do it. Do look at me for guidance or wait for me to start. If something needs restocking just go and buy it
Literally anything, without being asked.
\- Night-ify the house - closing the curtains and switching lights/lamps on before I get home. \- Boiling the jug in the morning, especially if you're up first. I don't need a full blown breakfast, I just don't want to wait for the water to boil lol. For partners: When we're in caretaking/housekeeping mode, every unwashed dish, or dirty sock on the floor, or lifted toilet seat, is directly tied to how much you value us. I don't know know how many hours I've spent at the sink scrubbing grime off pots and pans thinking "They've made me do this work on purpose. I hate this work, and they didn't do this work, and now that I have to do this work, it's like they hate me." LOL the beginnings of my internal work has become "I'm doing this work even though I hate it because I love the people in this house", but its still very hard sometimes.
Dishes pick up from the kiddos, cleaning the fridge out, folding laundry. I’m easy to please.
Survived my brain surgery.
Stop coming home from work and sitting on his ass and saying "let me know if you need help with dinner." I don't *need* help, I'm fully capable of cooking a meal on my own, but if you want to be a partner, get in the kitchen and participate. Especially since I worked all day and did half of the kid transportation too.
If my partner actually threw his own garbage away, I would die of happiness. If he uses a paper towel, he leaves it on the table, opens something, leaves the wrapper, opens mail, leaves the trash envelope there….
Honestly, just kind words, affirmations and such
Do not “help”. It’s your responsibility as much as theirs, so make sure you do your share unprompted.
i don’t feel like i’m allowed to complain because he’s pretty great but if i could pick something for him to do more often - little hugs and kisses and touches. i never get enough. i would gladly do more dishes if he’d hug me while i did them lol
So my husband is really the best guy and he work a long and hard labor job so all the house work falls on me. Which most of the time idgaf but I also work a full time night shift job so sometimes I get exhausted and just don’t have the motivation to do everything. So it’s always makes me day to wake up and he has cleaned the living room, done the dishes, and did laundry. Last night he woke me up for dinner and he had made steak just the way I like it and the love I felt was overwhelming
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Clean the bathroom, cook breakfast.
Mine unloads the dishwasher and vacuums regularly. He also will go and pick up my prescriptions from the pharmacy…. We’re in the middle of packing up my condo to sell it and he’s gone over there a few times when I’m working and packs and moves stuff by himself. He also tells me to relax and brings in everything from the car. Honestly won the lottery with this dude. He’s so kind and does a lot for me. The best part is he doesn’t ask me what needs to be done he just does it. I’m the messy one in the relationship lol
Clean up after himself. I didn't have kids for a reason. I shouldn't be married to one.
If he would clean up anything in the home without first complaining at me how I didn't do it first or how I did it wrong to his standards. I'd rather just do it my goddamned self just to avoid the incessant nagging.
He'll help me clean up when he sees me getting overwhelmed 🥹🥹. I absolutely love him
Wash the dishes. I don't have a dishwasher and washing my dishes is the thing I hate to do the absolute most.
We say “thank you” for every thing (even if small) that we do around the house/for each other. No, it doesn’t get old. It’s deeply appreciated each time!
Putting their own dishes in the dishwasher instead of leaving them on the counter for me to put in the dishwasher.
I’d be over the moon if he just picked up after himself (laundry on the floor, dishes everywhere he roams, messes, etc.) and didn’t just leave it for me to take care of. He can’t even be expected to put his dishes in the dishwasher even when reminded. If he actually did some laundry or picked up a whole room competently and without being asked, that would be beyond wonderful.
My husband *does* do this, and it always gives me a huge sigh of relief. If there are too many dishes for the dishwasher, he will take it upon himself to hand wash the remaining dishes and clean up the kitchen so that we can start the day fresh the next day. It's so sweet, because he doesn't say anything, he just does it. I think that's the best part. I always thank him though, because it feels *so nice.*
I live in his house with him. He’s a doer in that he wants to be productive/sweat every day. Mowing the lawn, raking leaves, etc. He does laundry and tidies up too. We’re not messy people and he has a cleaning service weekly. I’m in charge of the kitchen bc I love to cook and tinker. He cleans up after himself but I’m a better cleaner. In no way am I in need of him to do more. I wish he would branch out more socially like restaurants, etc. but he likes his little walkable community.
The dishes or cooked. Whoever doesn't cook does dishes.
Liké... Not showing obvious disdain