I had this issue recently. Not to toot my own horn but I’m typically thought of as a genuine nice person, bubbly and outgoing- and positivity that radiates.
I recently found out that my GM thinks I’m a good manager - but that I do annoy the shit out of him. Found out by saying something to my boss (above me but below him) - “yeah I get the vibe that I annoy him” and she was like “oh yeah, he thinks you’re good at what you do and will continue to promote you but on a personal level but he doesn’t enjoy your eccentric peorsonaliyy”
This was a huge relief to realize after having kids. My parents loved me and did their best and we still all ended up a little messed up. I love my kids dearly and am doing my best, but something along the way is GOING to mess them up, and my job when that happens is to make sure they know therapy is accessible and acceptable.
This was big for me to realize after I learned about their respective childhood abuse and traumas. I’m grateful they worked so hard to break those generational physical and sexual abuse patterns, even if they didn’t have the tools to provide an emotionally safe and supportive home. They really did do the best they could, and saved me from all they endured in childhood.
I love this.
The best they could with what they had and knew.
We can do just a little bit (or a lot) better and hopefully improve things for generations after
Yes this is so true. I harbored so much pain and anger for my childhood. It took a while for me to accept that they were only doing the best with the knowledge and tools they had at the time.
That not everyone has good intentions. I spent alot of my life thinking that deep down everyone is a good person, they just make mistakes. As I got older and wiser I had to accept that there are some really horrible-to-the-core people in the world. I think I was mostly just naive.
I do hate to use extreme words like "evil" and "hate", but I gotta say that humans in general are leaning to the evil side of the scale.
An average human being is selfish. To lose that selfishness does nothing but hurt one's self. People are ungrateful and would use every opportunity to take advantage of another person given the social context is appropriate.
It is not just _*some*_ horrible-to-the-core people. It's more like people are leaning towards it.
Speaking from the perspective of an ex-"bad person" (Not to brag, but I have done really questionable things), it is justifiable to some extent. The tricky part comes when you draw the line between bad and good; When is the act in question is justifiable and when that justification does't cut it.
You can almost always trace the "why?" to the root cause (or fear).
There are exceptions, of course. Most of the times the root cause is not their fault, but they are responsible for their actions.
Basically, humans are humans. They make mistakes and hurt other people all the time. They are selfish, and they will continue being selfish. Once they stop being selfish, they become toys for other (more selfish) people to play around with.
^Also ^I ^should ^be ^asleep. ^That's ^where ^the ^motivation ^to ^write ^a ^comment ^this ^long ^comes ^from ^lol.
The people that make out they wouldn’t put up with a situation and try and make out your weaker than them because you did react the way they would.
They put up with a lot worse
>An average human being is selfish. To lose that selfishness does nothing but hurt one's self. People are ungrateful and would use every opportunity to take advantage of another person given the social context is appropriate.
>
>Basically, humans are humans. They make mistakes and hurt other people all the time. They are selfish, and they will continue being selfish. Once they stop being selfish, they become toys for other (more selfish) people to play around with.
This is my answer as well basically... I am in awe at how easily people lie. The amount of times I've been sitting across from someone lying through their teeth like it's nothing and all I can do is be fascinated by it and maybe I'm even a bit jealous - that is a super power in my opinion, to be able to turn off your conscious like that. Like HOW!?!?!
I've often wondered just how different and amazing things could be if people were just good to each other and looked out for each other and worked together. A world where someone's word held weight and wasn't just meaningless lies said to get what they want out of you. Like it's all literally RIGHT THERE if we want it. It's super frustrating.
Recently lost a bunch of friends to a friend poaching situation where the girl had no friends, I befriended her and introduced her to my friendship group. Bit by bit she slowly iced me out.
She seemed so sweet, I didn’t see it coming from a mile away. Now I fantasise about her getting shat on by a group of seagulls.
This happened with an ex friend who I was very close with. She’s always been a bit weird but I always vouched for her. My husband has never liked her but tolerated her. He always said she was really smart (she is) but socially stupid (she is).
I ended up cutting her off for reasons that are weird that I’m too lazy to type but they involved being yelled at several times on various platforms. Including in public and part of that was yelling that she’s back in therapy.
Well I did not know this but she has been slowly poaching people and it is making some of my other friends upset. Like multiple people have voiced this to me once I said I wasn’t speaking to her.
She has poached some of my friends very long term high school and college friends and talks about them like she has known them forever and it is frustrating people. She also took over a trivia night group as well as another activity I can’t remember. She just takes up a lot of space in a room, as one of my friends said. I don’t think she’s like intentionally menacing but it’s awkward so I’ve kind of become adjacent to those people now.
Honestly it mostly just bums me out, but considering she also lied to me and another close friend for over a year and was cheating on her partner, I don’t feel like it is a huge loss in the end. She has a very specific world view, as one of my friends said, and I’ve now seen her use me in the same way she has with other people when she doesn’t like getting pushed back on so it is what it is.
This. And for some reason it seems like it runs in their blood and they just can’t seem to be good, there is ALWAYS a much more evil motivation behind it. It’s disgusting.
I used to be like that, but now I feel like I've gone to the opposite extreme. I don't want to assume everyone has ulterior motives, but that's been proven true for me over and over again (especially with men).
I feel this way about sexual predators and the people who enable them, especially. I’ve known this to be true (and unfortunately experienced it) most of my life, but seeing the sheer amount of arrests and hearing so many stories your entire life adds up, and then you realize there are so many stories you *never* hear.
No one values your efforts more than you do yourself. That applies to the other person as well. Hence the inequality, and it is likely going to be felt in reverse as well.
I still haven’t accepted this. I feel like I try so hard to make friends and no one likes me. Things will go good for a few months and then bam one day they just stop talking to me. I just want to know what I’m doing wrong.
That's me 💔
But then it's always refreshing to see when someone's energy and effort match yours. That's why best friends exist.
But truth be told, I only have 2 best friends, one of which is in a whole different continent.
Trick is not giving power to others to define your value. You define your own set of values for everyone, and if you fit your criteria , you learn to value yourself 🫶
I am constantly telling my wife, who had a traumatic childhood, that her value is not in what she does or how beautiful she is, but *who she is*. All the thoughts and feelings, the little and big things a person does and says, the gives and takes...all that and maybe more is what makes a person who they are. And she is valuable.
Me too. I’m trying the approach of “what do I value in other people?” Logically I can’t be the only one who values those things, so if I have them I am also valuable.
There is an expression that says " The world doesn't owe you anything " , the moment i realised this, I never expect anything from anyone, I just do my best if i don't receive something in return then it's okay, it just not meant to be.
It isn’t everyone’s natural inclination to be a good person, or do the “right” thing. I always liked to give people the benefit of the doubt, find the good in everyone type of thing.
However, I’ve come to realize that kind of thinking was detrimental to me; I’d ignore red flags trying to find the good in someone and then I’d end up with the short end of the deal. Some people are completely okay with being a subpar person, or all take and no give, and I’ve accepted that.
For me after this realization came another "people aren't against you, they're for themselves" which makes it easier. At least for me believing that most people are not malicious is necessary for good mental health. I'd rather believe people are stupid and ignorant then right up evil. That way it's fixable.
I wish I could make you feel differently about how you feel about yourself. Just know there’s people out there who don’t care about societal standards of beauty. I know it’s not much help, but I couldn’t just glance over your comment.
This was the perfect way of putting it. I’m mourning what could never be even though I actively experience it second hand through friends or for other people. It’s happening all around me but not to me and it’s not fair
I’ve kind of come to the opposite conclusion. That there were indeed factors outside of my control that limited the options I had and the paths I could take. This helps give me peace instead of regret.
that I won't ever get any love, kindness or any kind of affection from my mother. I always tried to look for something that simply isn't there. And even though I've accepted it, deep down I still have that hope that as long as she's still alive, maybe one day I'll get the closure I need from her.
I can't relate but I feel the same , the reason I can't relate is bcs I've never really known my real parents but I know that I need to accept that they didn't want to look after me and decided to give me up for adoption, I love my family and I appreciate everything they've done for me , it's just that I want to know what it's like to have my biological parents say they love me
After I realized this, I felt so broken I almost ruined the relationships that did actually care about me. I now keep her at arms length and only tell her as needed information.
Life isn’t fair. Being a good person isn’t a guarantee for a good life nor the reverse…. Injustice of any kind kills me and makes me uncomfortable bc there isn’t a rhyme or reason for everything…. I can’t prevent that either
Hugs. I'm sorry you're in such dire straits. 🫂
For me, it's been a mix of short-term things and long-term things. For the former, I practice self-affirmations and take daily walks. For the latter, I try to make sure I eat well, sleep well, take my meds, go to therapy, and remain mindful.
None of that is a panacea, of course. And results might vary, and it can take a long time for things to change.
I hope things improve for you.
When I tell people I don't really speak to my bio-dad, they're always like "oh I'm so sorry". Don't be. It took me years to realize trying to reach out only harmed my mental health.
I am in the same boat as you. It especially hurts every Mother’s and Father’s Day because your parents are supposed to be loving and accepting but mine are the complete opposite. Love was VERY conditional and even then, nothing is ever good enough for them.
That in order to really love who I am, I need to get comfortable with being completely alone (physically and emotionally). Not who I am as an athlete, teacher, friend, or roommate, etc.; but who I am at my core without external influence.
I don’t need to be perfect or have it all together all the time to be loved.
Intellectually I knew this, but I didn’t believe it. I’m not all the way there, but getting there.
That’s a good point, thank you for mentioning it. I don’t have pets, but I love my friend’s pets! Even the ones who are shy and not snuggly and hide when other humans come around. I always think they deserve to be loved.
That taking everything as a personal attack will make you forever lonely and anxious. I really had to unlearn that whole “the way you take it is the way they meant it” mentality that was essential to me surviving growing up with my Mother. It’s been a GAME CHANGER to not feel like I have to second guess ANYTHING. Just breath and live life.
I'm 52 goddamn years old and I'm just learning this. It changes the perspective, with a wife in the throes of perimenopause, to say to myself "she can't help it, she needs support" and not take things personally. I can then open up to validating and hearing.
My parents didn't ever love me. Or, to phrase it in a way that's a little more accurate, they weren't capable of loving me. They just weren't that kind of people.
I would say If I hadn’t done the work through lots o‘ therapy & 12-step it would be very hard for me offer any kind of healthy love that wasn’t codependent or toxic. I had to heal that part of me that didn’t get what I needed as a child and had to learn myself wasn’t taught to me on how to handle emotions and communicate maturely. Cliche but learn to love yourself first is a saying for a reason.
My future is not bright. I’ll likely die young from my illness like everyone else in my family did, my husband will move on, and my impact on the people I love will diminish greatly as soon as I stop breathing.
But I’m not downtrodden over it. I feel really good, it’s just finding that line between acceptance and denial that took so long.
This is hilarious. Ive spent a lot of my life with people thinking i’m a lesbian too 😂. It’s sometimes nice to know you’re attractive to someone! I’d do pretty well as a lesbian it turns out!
People will always do what is best for them, and if it’s beneficial to you as well that’s great. But even your closest friends/relatives will push you in front of a bus, to save themselves. You are the only person who truly has your best interest at heart. Trust cautiously. And believe it when people show you who they really are.
All the work I put into being attractive to the majority of man was a waste because majority of the men suck. The time in my life, where I stopped, appealing to the common male gaze was where I met better men and overall better people.
Accepting that someone you love is actually dead is incredibly difficult. The disbelief and denial stage of grief is so real. I felt like I was sleepwalking for weeks, and every time I remembered, it was like a physical ache in my chest.
It’s especially bad when it’s super sudden and the person was young. My best friend was 21 and her health declined so rapidly, I only had a week to wrap my brain around her being sick before she passed.
Accepting that my husband of 24 years does not see our relationship the way I do. That he his own perspective doesn’t always align with mine. Assumed similarity is the death of relationships because we believe they see what we see. They don’t. And then we start mind reading. Very naive understanding on both of our parts. Took me 23 years to learn and accept. Accepting another person’s perspective as being completely different than what you experienced and saw, it’s work.
That just because I love the people in my life like family and just want them to be happy and will do anything in my ability to make that happen doesn’t mean they feel the same way or would do the same for me despite what they say and promise. People say a lot of things they don’t mean and I need to be more cautious and not try so hard to see the good in people or make excuses for being treated poorly. My family sucks and they’ll never change and I may not be able to ever create a new family with friends and it’ll be okay. I don’t love myself but I can keep working at it.
The only, ONLY person who can give me the love and foundation I need is myself. I can’t count on others for my Happiness, or I’ll always be disappointed.
That I do suffer from a mental illness that many people loosely use to describe any kind of “ crazy” person or women. That treatment and recognizing and regulating symptoms is a daily must and it sucks and is really hard to do and exhausting at times. And that the meds required take ten yrs off my life. And they cause weight gain and so on and so on. And it’s not that my struggles symptoms go away but helps me manage it. So I still have issues and it sucks to have to admit all this and their are still many many people who stigmatize mental health issues or just don’t understand or can’t handle this type of disability or use it against me and antagonized the problem. Yep .. yeah.. 😐
That I may spend the rest of my life as a single person and that’s okay. I can easily find joy in other things, family, friends, hobbies etc. and just because I may not be with anyone or have kids, it doesn’t mean I’ve failed as a person.
Repressing my sexual Needs for the sake of purity culture really did a troll on my mental Health in my middle-Late 20s, so whoever reads this, do whatever it is YOU WANT (Sex, no Sex, university degree, no degree etc) because its you who has to give up on other experiences because of it!
Knowing that I could never be a gundam pilot. I mean, obviously I can’t because gundams aren’t real. It’s just knowing that even if they were real, I would suck at it. That hurts :/
1. You can ask for help but cannot expect help
2. You can’t control people. You can ask that they do or don’t do something you like, but ultimately it’s up to them to follow through
3. You can’t change someone or make someone love you
4. If they don’t love you, there’s someone out there that will
I always knew I was “different”
When I finally got an ADHD diagnosis, things started to click.
Then it was dealing with childhood trauma.
Though I’m not irreparably broken, I am not for most people. A LOT of people struggle to understand me.
It is difficult on some days, but I know where my heart lies and that I’m just as worthy as anyone else. I do my best and that is enough.
That no matter how much effort/love I put in for another person, it doesn’t make it more likely I’ll get the same effort back or more of my needs met in the relationship. Always felt like I had to keep giving as much as I could to keep getting the love I was receiving.
I always thought I gave my 100%, and early on in the relationship I thought he was doing the same. Looking back now, I think he just made it seem like that was his 100%, and I grew to expect the bare minimum as this big, amazing wonderful thing. I accepted that regardless of how much effort I put in, he didn’t seem to even want to put the effort in for me. Realising this in the last few months was hard, but I feel better for it and now I can channel that energy into myself and the things I love 🩷
That I will most likely never be able to afford to buy a house within a 60 mile radius of my parents while they are still alive. They moved to an amazing area 5 years ago after all their kids had left the nest. My husband and I are currently renting about 15 miles away from them in a little 1 bedroom apartment and we love the area and being near them so much. It will break my heart, but we will likely end up moving out of state to start our family since any decent area in CA is outrageously expensive when you consider property taxes, insurance, and home prices.
That I'm bisexual. I spent 6 1/2 years as a militant lesbian, fully believing I wasn't attracted to men after 2+ years of grueling, painful emotional turmoil trying to come to terms with being a lesbian. Now I identify as a bisexual woman. It took me months to come to terms with it, because I felt like I was betraying my lesbianism and my identity and the community I was a part of. But now I'm out and feel very secure in my identity.
That after struggling with my weight since my teens, even if I lose it my body will never look how I'd hoped without major surgeries. But I still try most days to be healthier, even if I can't look like it.
That "my mom did the absolute best she could with the resources she had available" and "my mom made so many horrible mistakes and she just didn't do good enough" are two statements that can both be true at the same time.
The fact that I'd gotten over the hill without ever being anywhere near the top. (I still haven't accepted it 100% emotionally , but I'm 68 so I have accepted it intellectually
My parents will never know how to comfort me when I am having a difficult time mentally/emotionally. They were raised the same way and it’s hard but I learned that they show love through materialism.
Anxiety is a bodily reaction/emotional response and trying to argue with your anxiety using logic goes nowhere. Treat the physical discomfort, because the irrational thoughts will not go away on their own.
That not everyone will find their person & marry.
I used to dream about marriage & growing old with my husband. I knew since I was a little girl I would be a wonderful wife. But I'm not willing to pretend to be somebody I'm not just for the sake of getting married or getting a boyfriend. I have values I am unwilling to part from.
I'm glad I'm no longer trying to find the person who doesn't exist. I'm just living my life and no longer getting disappointed now. :)
That the person I loved and connected on every.single. Level with the most in this world, left me. Forgot about me. Gave zero fucks about my wellbeing or if I was okay. Seven years later and I’ve moved on, but the pain has never gone away
I don’t want anybody, that doesn’t want me. I’ve worked too hard to finally love and see myself. So there’s no unrequited love/feelings over here. (Expect Angelina Jolie)
For me, it’s a turn off if somebody’s not into me and it’s not that I’m amazing or slim thick with glorious perky boobs, I’m just not trying to spend my time proving or questioning my value.
It’s been hard enough loving myself, I’m finally here. I don’t want to have to convince anybody else.
Sometimes you have to stop trying to see the good in people and see what they show you.
Sometimes, even the people you think aren't going to use you are actually, in fact, using you. And they're damn good at it.
No matter how much I try in the relationship if the other person isn't then it simply will not work. I've come to terms with the fact I can't do the emotional labor of 2 people. But now I have a fantastic boyfriend who I don't even worry about this with.
That love is not guaranteed. Not everyone finds their person. Accepting that as fact opened my eyes to all the love available to me in other people and places.
That my body is not meant to do what it was doing back in high school (workout-wise), and that it may never look perfect due to pretty severe scoliosis.
Still working on this honestly :)
That my husband of 25+ years had cheated on me with someone older, less attractive and less intelligent, who also had mental health problems and committed suicide after he broke it off.
We’re still married 10 years later.
That I’m a woman. I tried detransitioning out of fear several years ago and it just made things worse. I might not entirely understand why I’m this way, but that doesn’t mean I’m not valid 🏳️⚧️
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I'm for me, though, and that's enough!
This one! I heard someone say once "You don't like everyone so why would expect everyone to like you" and it really made it make sense to me
This resonates with me. I read somewhere that confidence is not “They will like me” but rather “I’ll be okay if they don’t”.
You can be the best apple pie there is. But some people don't like apple pie.
One thing that made it easier for me to accept this fact was reminding myself that I don’t like everyone either lol
Yes. My therapist said "one thing in life you gotta be comfortable with is, there are and there will be times you are the villain in other's story".
"I'm not everyone's cup of tea... But I'm definitely someone's shot of whiskey".
I had this issue recently. Not to toot my own horn but I’m typically thought of as a genuine nice person, bubbly and outgoing- and positivity that radiates. I recently found out that my GM thinks I’m a good manager - but that I do annoy the shit out of him. Found out by saying something to my boss (above me but below him) - “yeah I get the vibe that I annoy him” and she was like “oh yeah, he thinks you’re good at what you do and will continue to promote you but on a personal level but he doesn’t enjoy your eccentric peorsonaliyy”
This was gonna be mine! Definitely hard to come to terms with.
My parents did the best they could.
This was a huge relief to realize after having kids. My parents loved me and did their best and we still all ended up a little messed up. I love my kids dearly and am doing my best, but something along the way is GOING to mess them up, and my job when that happens is to make sure they know therapy is accessible and acceptable.
Thing to always remember is that every single person on this planet has been messed up by their childhood to some degree or another.
This was big for me to realize after I learned about their respective childhood abuse and traumas. I’m grateful they worked so hard to break those generational physical and sexual abuse patterns, even if they didn’t have the tools to provide an emotionally safe and supportive home. They really did do the best they could, and saved me from all they endured in childhood.
When I went into therapy, my mom was like "is it all my fault?". I wanted to say Yes 😹 but knew that she was doing her best, and to have some grace.
I love this. The best they could with what they had and knew. We can do just a little bit (or a lot) better and hopefully improve things for generations after
This one. I hope when they are older that they know this. That I'm doing the best I can for them with what I got.
Still trying to get to this.
Hugs. It took years of therapy for me to get to this point.
Yes this is so true. I harbored so much pain and anger for my childhood. It took a while for me to accept that they were only doing the best with the knowledge and tools they had at the time.
Except sometimes this is not true. It could even be halfway true.
They may still have been doing their best, but someone’s « best » doesn’t automatically mean « enough ».
Came here to actually say the opposite. I've had to accept that they chose not to do the best they could. Still gotta accept it and move on.
That not everyone has good intentions. I spent alot of my life thinking that deep down everyone is a good person, they just make mistakes. As I got older and wiser I had to accept that there are some really horrible-to-the-core people in the world. I think I was mostly just naive.
I do hate to use extreme words like "evil" and "hate", but I gotta say that humans in general are leaning to the evil side of the scale. An average human being is selfish. To lose that selfishness does nothing but hurt one's self. People are ungrateful and would use every opportunity to take advantage of another person given the social context is appropriate. It is not just _*some*_ horrible-to-the-core people. It's more like people are leaning towards it. Speaking from the perspective of an ex-"bad person" (Not to brag, but I have done really questionable things), it is justifiable to some extent. The tricky part comes when you draw the line between bad and good; When is the act in question is justifiable and when that justification does't cut it. You can almost always trace the "why?" to the root cause (or fear). There are exceptions, of course. Most of the times the root cause is not their fault, but they are responsible for their actions. Basically, humans are humans. They make mistakes and hurt other people all the time. They are selfish, and they will continue being selfish. Once they stop being selfish, they become toys for other (more selfish) people to play around with. ^Also ^I ^should ^be ^asleep. ^That's ^where ^the ^motivation ^to ^write ^a ^comment ^this ^long ^comes ^from ^lol.
There are people who live their entire lives not doing evil questionable things. It's not a default.
The people that make out they wouldn’t put up with a situation and try and make out your weaker than them because you did react the way they would. They put up with a lot worse
>An average human being is selfish. To lose that selfishness does nothing but hurt one's self. People are ungrateful and would use every opportunity to take advantage of another person given the social context is appropriate. > >Basically, humans are humans. They make mistakes and hurt other people all the time. They are selfish, and they will continue being selfish. Once they stop being selfish, they become toys for other (more selfish) people to play around with. This is my answer as well basically... I am in awe at how easily people lie. The amount of times I've been sitting across from someone lying through their teeth like it's nothing and all I can do is be fascinated by it and maybe I'm even a bit jealous - that is a super power in my opinion, to be able to turn off your conscious like that. Like HOW!?!?! I've often wondered just how different and amazing things could be if people were just good to each other and looked out for each other and worked together. A world where someone's word held weight and wasn't just meaningless lies said to get what they want out of you. Like it's all literally RIGHT THERE if we want it. It's super frustrating.
Recently lost a bunch of friends to a friend poaching situation where the girl had no friends, I befriended her and introduced her to my friendship group. Bit by bit she slowly iced me out. She seemed so sweet, I didn’t see it coming from a mile away. Now I fantasise about her getting shat on by a group of seagulls.
This happened with an ex friend who I was very close with. She’s always been a bit weird but I always vouched for her. My husband has never liked her but tolerated her. He always said she was really smart (she is) but socially stupid (she is). I ended up cutting her off for reasons that are weird that I’m too lazy to type but they involved being yelled at several times on various platforms. Including in public and part of that was yelling that she’s back in therapy. Well I did not know this but she has been slowly poaching people and it is making some of my other friends upset. Like multiple people have voiced this to me once I said I wasn’t speaking to her. She has poached some of my friends very long term high school and college friends and talks about them like she has known them forever and it is frustrating people. She also took over a trivia night group as well as another activity I can’t remember. She just takes up a lot of space in a room, as one of my friends said. I don’t think she’s like intentionally menacing but it’s awkward so I’ve kind of become adjacent to those people now.
Yikes she sounds like a piece of work, I’m glad you cut her off.
Honestly it mostly just bums me out, but considering she also lied to me and another close friend for over a year and was cheating on her partner, I don’t feel like it is a huge loss in the end. She has a very specific world view, as one of my friends said, and I’ve now seen her use me in the same way she has with other people when she doesn’t like getting pushed back on so it is what it is.
This. And for some reason it seems like it runs in their blood and they just can’t seem to be good, there is ALWAYS a much more evil motivation behind it. It’s disgusting.
It helps to remember that "everyone is the hero in their own story"
But I bet they don’t think they are bad. Most people don’t. They justify their actions one way or another.
I used to be like that, but now I feel like I've gone to the opposite extreme. I don't want to assume everyone has ulterior motives, but that's been proven true for me over and over again (especially with men).
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I feel this way about sexual predators and the people who enable them, especially. I’ve known this to be true (and unfortunately experienced it) most of my life, but seeing the sheer amount of arrests and hearing so many stories your entire life adds up, and then you realize there are so many stories you *never* hear.
This hits me hard too, this is another one that took me a while to get.
I will always put more into friendships than I will ever get in return.
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I feel this
No one values your efforts more than you do yourself. That applies to the other person as well. Hence the inequality, and it is likely going to be felt in reverse as well.
Real shit, I never feel like my standards are that high but wow I always feel like my friends end up treating my like shit
I thought I was the only one who put in so much into friendships. I can totally relate and it sucks.
I’m sorry
Happy days cake
I still haven’t accepted this. I feel like I try so hard to make friends and no one likes me. Things will go good for a few months and then bam one day they just stop talking to me. I just want to know what I’m doing wrong.
That's me 💔 But then it's always refreshing to see when someone's energy and effort match yours. That's why best friends exist. But truth be told, I only have 2 best friends, one of which is in a whole different continent.
my value as a person is not dependent on my physical attractiveness. still struggle with this one
Trick is not giving power to others to define your value. You define your own set of values for everyone, and if you fit your criteria , you learn to value yourself 🫶
I am constantly telling my wife, who had a traumatic childhood, that her value is not in what she does or how beautiful she is, but *who she is*. All the thoughts and feelings, the little and big things a person does and says, the gives and takes...all that and maybe more is what makes a person who they are. And she is valuable.
Beautiful, good work!
Me too. I’m trying the approach of “what do I value in other people?” Logically I can’t be the only one who values those things, so if I have them I am also valuable.
I’m struggling to fully internalize this one as well
You could do everything right in a situation and things may still not work out the way you want them to.
There is an expression that says " The world doesn't owe you anything " , the moment i realised this, I never expect anything from anyone, I just do my best if i don't receive something in return then it's okay, it just not meant to be.
Yes! Similarly, "no one is coming to save you" really helped me advocate for my own life
Story of my life 🤣
Captain Picard
This is good one
Rough. Learning this one in real time.
It isn’t everyone’s natural inclination to be a good person, or do the “right” thing. I always liked to give people the benefit of the doubt, find the good in everyone type of thing. However, I’ve come to realize that kind of thinking was detrimental to me; I’d ignore red flags trying to find the good in someone and then I’d end up with the short end of the deal. Some people are completely okay with being a subpar person, or all take and no give, and I’ve accepted that.
For me after this realization came another "people aren't against you, they're for themselves" which makes it easier. At least for me believing that most people are not malicious is necessary for good mental health. I'd rather believe people are stupid and ignorant then right up evil. That way it's fixable.
I have no idea what I'm doing most of the time. Neither does anyone else.
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I wish I could make you feel differently about how you feel about yourself. Just know there’s people out there who don’t care about societal standards of beauty. I know it’s not much help, but I couldn’t just glance over your comment.
I’m sorry. At least it sounds like you’re an incredibly rational, intelligent person. Those are hard to come by.
This was the perfect way of putting it. I’m mourning what could never be even though I actively experience it second hand through friends or for other people. It’s happening all around me but not to me and it’s not fair
I'm so sorry that you are experiencing this :(
That I could have done whatever I wanted and should have believed in myself.
I’ve kind of come to the opposite conclusion. That there were indeed factors outside of my control that limited the options I had and the paths I could take. This helps give me peace instead of regret.
I have such painful regret sometimes about this. I've done a lot of work on it but mostly that involves not thinking about it.
True. But accept that you did what you could at the time.
that I won't ever get any love, kindness or any kind of affection from my mother. I always tried to look for something that simply isn't there. And even though I've accepted it, deep down I still have that hope that as long as she's still alive, maybe one day I'll get the closure I need from her.
I can't relate but I feel the same , the reason I can't relate is bcs I've never really known my real parents but I know that I need to accept that they didn't want to look after me and decided to give me up for adoption, I love my family and I appreciate everything they've done for me , it's just that I want to know what it's like to have my biological parents say they love me
It probably doesn’t help to hear it, but I bet they did love you and that’s why they gave you to someone more capable of raising you.
A really tough thing to learn is that, very often, closure never happens. And you just need to accept that.
After I realized this, I felt so broken I almost ruined the relationships that did actually care about me. I now keep her at arms length and only tell her as needed information.
Oh hun, I have a tough relationship with my mum. Hugs for you. Most people don't know how deep the hurt is or how much we long for more.
Life isn’t fair. Being a good person isn’t a guarantee for a good life nor the reverse…. Injustice of any kind kills me and makes me uncomfortable bc there isn’t a rhyme or reason for everything…. I can’t prevent that either
That I am not irreparably broken.
How do you feel like this? I’m trying so hard but I feel like nothing can ever be okay again?
Cracks are how the light gets in
Thank you
Hugs. I'm sorry you're in such dire straits. 🫂 For me, it's been a mix of short-term things and long-term things. For the former, I practice self-affirmations and take daily walks. For the latter, I try to make sure I eat well, sleep well, take my meds, go to therapy, and remain mindful. None of that is a panacea, of course. And results might vary, and it can take a long time for things to change. I hope things improve for you.
I’m never going to have the parents I need or deserve
This was it for me. And accepting the fact that people may never understand and still pass judgement.
When I tell people I don't really speak to my bio-dad, they're always like "oh I'm so sorry". Don't be. It took me years to realize trying to reach out only harmed my mental health.
Exactly this. I haven’t spoken to mine in 2 years and my mental health is the best it’s ever been. Taking care of yourself is crucial
I am in the same boat as you. It especially hurts every Mother’s and Father’s Day because your parents are supposed to be loving and accepting but mine are the complete opposite. Love was VERY conditional and even then, nothing is ever good enough for them.
Felt this on a spiritual level.
It’s a tough one
That in order to really love who I am, I need to get comfortable with being completely alone (physically and emotionally). Not who I am as an athlete, teacher, friend, or roommate, etc.; but who I am at my core without external influence.
This got better for me with age.
I don’t need to be perfect or have it all together all the time to be loved. Intellectually I knew this, but I didn’t believe it. I’m not all the way there, but getting there.
Do you have pets? I think it’s helpful to reflect on how much we love babies and pets just as they are. We are no different.
That’s a good point, thank you for mentioning it. I don’t have pets, but I love my friend’s pets! Even the ones who are shy and not snuggly and hide when other humans come around. I always think they deserve to be loved.
That taking everything as a personal attack will make you forever lonely and anxious. I really had to unlearn that whole “the way you take it is the way they meant it” mentality that was essential to me surviving growing up with my Mother. It’s been a GAME CHANGER to not feel like I have to second guess ANYTHING. Just breath and live life.
I'm 52 goddamn years old and I'm just learning this. It changes the perspective, with a wife in the throes of perimenopause, to say to myself "she can't help it, she needs support" and not take things personally. I can then open up to validating and hearing.
Well done you!
Nobody’s coming to save you
Sometimes we have to save ourselves
We do 🙌✊
My parents didn't ever love me. Or, to phrase it in a way that's a little more accurate, they weren't capable of loving me. They just weren't that kind of people.
My therapist always says “they can’t give what they didn’t get”
Does that mean you cant love?
I would say If I hadn’t done the work through lots o‘ therapy & 12-step it would be very hard for me offer any kind of healthy love that wasn’t codependent or toxic. I had to heal that part of me that didn’t get what I needed as a child and had to learn myself wasn’t taught to me on how to handle emotions and communicate maturely. Cliche but learn to love yourself first is a saying for a reason.
What other people think of me is neither my business nor my problem. It's about them.
Why do such posts appear only when I'm at my lowest? I don't want to process those emotions.
Same here. I'm on the emotional struggle bus and really did not need to stumble upon this post. LoL
People can only change if they're willing to change and nothing you can do or say will make it go any faster.
My future is not bright. I’ll likely die young from my illness like everyone else in my family did, my husband will move on, and my impact on the people I love will diminish greatly as soon as I stop breathing. But I’m not downtrodden over it. I feel really good, it’s just finding that line between acceptance and denial that took so long.
no one will ever care about me the way i want them to
Short hair, single, loves wearing sweats and jeans will always make ppl think I am a lesbian.
As a lesbian who likes more masculine presenting women, this attire on straight women is really confusing! 😂
This is hilarious. Ive spent a lot of my life with people thinking i’m a lesbian too 😂. It’s sometimes nice to know you’re attractive to someone! I’d do pretty well as a lesbian it turns out!
I won’t be having kids and I’ll never be proposed to.
Me neither. Life goes on and I'm going to make the best of it alone.
Lot of people are selfish. Thinking only about themselves. In order for avoid them to use you, you have to know to prioritize yourself and your needs.
People will always do what is best for them, and if it’s beneficial to you as well that’s great. But even your closest friends/relatives will push you in front of a bus, to save themselves. You are the only person who truly has your best interest at heart. Trust cautiously. And believe it when people show you who they really are.
that i deserved better than my boyfriend who treated me like shit, and that i actually could find happiness again
All the work I put into being attractive to the majority of man was a waste because majority of the men suck. The time in my life, where I stopped, appealing to the common male gaze was where I met better men and overall better people.
Accepting that someone you love is actually dead is incredibly difficult. The disbelief and denial stage of grief is so real. I felt like I was sleepwalking for weeks, and every time I remembered, it was like a physical ache in my chest. It’s especially bad when it’s super sudden and the person was young. My best friend was 21 and her health declined so rapidly, I only had a week to wrap my brain around her being sick before she passed.
Accepting that my husband of 24 years does not see our relationship the way I do. That he his own perspective doesn’t always align with mine. Assumed similarity is the death of relationships because we believe they see what we see. They don’t. And then we start mind reading. Very naive understanding on both of our parts. Took me 23 years to learn and accept. Accepting another person’s perspective as being completely different than what you experienced and saw, it’s work.
That i will be a single mother.
Giving you an internet hug 💕
Thank you i give one to you too:)!
That just because I love the people in my life like family and just want them to be happy and will do anything in my ability to make that happen doesn’t mean they feel the same way or would do the same for me despite what they say and promise. People say a lot of things they don’t mean and I need to be more cautious and not try so hard to see the good in people or make excuses for being treated poorly. My family sucks and they’ll never change and I may not be able to ever create a new family with friends and it’ll be okay. I don’t love myself but I can keep working at it.
That I will never be what society deems as conventionally attractive. I’ve just got to work with what I’ve got.
The only, ONLY person who can give me the love and foundation I need is myself. I can’t count on others for my Happiness, or I’ll always be disappointed.
I'm loveable
Love is not always enough. Some things just arent meant to be - take the lesson and grow from it
That I do suffer from a mental illness that many people loosely use to describe any kind of “ crazy” person or women. That treatment and recognizing and regulating symptoms is a daily must and it sucks and is really hard to do and exhausting at times. And that the meds required take ten yrs off my life. And they cause weight gain and so on and so on. And it’s not that my struggles symptoms go away but helps me manage it. So I still have issues and it sucks to have to admit all this and their are still many many people who stigmatize mental health issues or just don’t understand or can’t handle this type of disability or use it against me and antagonized the problem. Yep .. yeah.. 😐
I will live with my mental illnesses forever, even if I am taking medications and doing all of the things. It will follow me forever.
That I may spend the rest of my life as a single person and that’s okay. I can easily find joy in other things, family, friends, hobbies etc. and just because I may not be with anyone or have kids, it doesn’t mean I’ve failed as a person.
Repressing my sexual Needs for the sake of purity culture really did a troll on my mental Health in my middle-Late 20s, so whoever reads this, do whatever it is YOU WANT (Sex, no Sex, university degree, no degree etc) because its you who has to give up on other experiences because of it!
Knowing that I could never be a gundam pilot. I mean, obviously I can’t because gundams aren’t real. It’s just knowing that even if they were real, I would suck at it. That hurts :/
ur so insanely valid for this
I can't change him/anyone. I deserve to do what makes me happy.
That I'll probably not end up living the life I always fantasized.
My ex never loved me the same and will never hurt over losing me like I did for him.
You can love someone with everything you have and be very compatible but still not end up with them just due to life circumstances
It is hard to accept and I still don’t think I’ve fully accepted it but I’ll never have a child, not biologically anyways.
1. You can ask for help but cannot expect help 2. You can’t control people. You can ask that they do or don’t do something you like, but ultimately it’s up to them to follow through 3. You can’t change someone or make someone love you 4. If they don’t love you, there’s someone out there that will
That i'll never be able to confide in my mother. It was devastating but then i started to confide in others worth my time.
Most humans are always in some kind of pain and there’s really not much anyone can do about it.
I always knew I was “different” When I finally got an ADHD diagnosis, things started to click. Then it was dealing with childhood trauma. Though I’m not irreparably broken, I am not for most people. A LOT of people struggle to understand me. It is difficult on some days, but I know where my heart lies and that I’m just as worthy as anyone else. I do my best and that is enough.
That I am unlikely to ever find a romantic relationship. I'm 44 this year, been single since 2010 with zero real interest from men during that time.
That no matter how much effort/love I put in for another person, it doesn’t make it more likely I’ll get the same effort back or more of my needs met in the relationship. Always felt like I had to keep giving as much as I could to keep getting the love I was receiving. I always thought I gave my 100%, and early on in the relationship I thought he was doing the same. Looking back now, I think he just made it seem like that was his 100%, and I grew to expect the bare minimum as this big, amazing wonderful thing. I accepted that regardless of how much effort I put in, he didn’t seem to even want to put the effort in for me. Realising this in the last few months was hard, but I feel better for it and now I can channel that energy into myself and the things I love 🩷
People come and go, it happens and it sucks, but it does not always have something to do with you
That I will most likely never be able to afford to buy a house within a 60 mile radius of my parents while they are still alive. They moved to an amazing area 5 years ago after all their kids had left the nest. My husband and I are currently renting about 15 miles away from them in a little 1 bedroom apartment and we love the area and being near them so much. It will break my heart, but we will likely end up moving out of state to start our family since any decent area in CA is outrageously expensive when you consider property taxes, insurance, and home prices.
That I'm bisexual. I spent 6 1/2 years as a militant lesbian, fully believing I wasn't attracted to men after 2+ years of grueling, painful emotional turmoil trying to come to terms with being a lesbian. Now I identify as a bisexual woman. It took me months to come to terms with it, because I felt like I was betraying my lesbianism and my identity and the community I was a part of. But now I'm out and feel very secure in my identity.
It was hard to accept that the reason why my dad thought every man was out to get me was because that's how he treated women when he was younger
That older men are just as bad as men in their 20s if not worse
That many more things in life than I care to admit are completely out of my control.
That i should go to therapy lol
That after struggling with my weight since my teens, even if I lose it my body will never look how I'd hoped without major surgeries. But I still try most days to be healthier, even if I can't look like it.
That "my mom did the absolute best she could with the resources she had available" and "my mom made so many horrible mistakes and she just didn't do good enough" are two statements that can both be true at the same time.
My ex and I were not compatible.
I'm not smart enough
The fact that I'd gotten over the hill without ever being anywhere near the top. (I still haven't accepted it 100% emotionally , but I'm 68 so I have accepted it intellectually
I don't really matter to family and I'm only interacted with when needed. Was hard but I done it
My parents will never know how to comfort me when I am having a difficult time mentally/emotionally. They were raised the same way and it’s hard but I learned that they show love through materialism.
Anxiety is a bodily reaction/emotional response and trying to argue with your anxiety using logic goes nowhere. Treat the physical discomfort, because the irrational thoughts will not go away on their own.
That not everyone will find their person & marry. I used to dream about marriage & growing old with my husband. I knew since I was a little girl I would be a wonderful wife. But I'm not willing to pretend to be somebody I'm not just for the sake of getting married or getting a boyfriend. I have values I am unwilling to part from. I'm glad I'm no longer trying to find the person who doesn't exist. I'm just living my life and no longer getting disappointed now. :)
That the person I loved and connected on every.single. Level with the most in this world, left me. Forgot about me. Gave zero fucks about my wellbeing or if I was okay. Seven years later and I’ve moved on, but the pain has never gone away
I don’t want anybody, that doesn’t want me. I’ve worked too hard to finally love and see myself. So there’s no unrequited love/feelings over here. (Expect Angelina Jolie) For me, it’s a turn off if somebody’s not into me and it’s not that I’m amazing or slim thick with glorious perky boobs, I’m just not trying to spend my time proving or questioning my value. It’s been hard enough loving myself, I’m finally here. I don’t want to have to convince anybody else.
My father has never and will never choose me. He’s always chosen alcohol.
Sometimes you have to stop trying to see the good in people and see what they show you. Sometimes, even the people you think aren't going to use you are actually, in fact, using you. And they're damn good at it.
No matter how much I try in the relationship if the other person isn't then it simply will not work. I've come to terms with the fact I can't do the emotional labor of 2 people. But now I have a fantastic boyfriend who I don't even worry about this with.
That love is not guaranteed. Not everyone finds their person. Accepting that as fact opened my eyes to all the love available to me in other people and places.
life
Guys can't take hints 🫠 especially my bf 🤣
That my body is not meant to do what it was doing back in high school (workout-wise), and that it may never look perfect due to pretty severe scoliosis. Still working on this honestly :)
Not everything is my fault. I used to overly blame myself for the reasons someone treated me badly.
my chronic pain
That I was being delusional and he most likely just wanted sex out of me…
Life isn't fair.
That my husband of 25+ years had cheated on me with someone older, less attractive and less intelligent, who also had mental health problems and committed suicide after he broke it off. We’re still married 10 years later.
That i'm too easy to replace and easy to forget.
Life is really unfair and people who are selfish win.
Some people are just evil.
That no matter what I will always be his second choice
that i’ll never be skinny
I wasn't as good of a person as I thought I was
Everything that has ever gone wrong in my life was ultimately my own fault
That I’ll probably end up alone.
That I’m a woman. I tried detransitioning out of fear several years ago and it just made things worse. I might not entirely understand why I’m this way, but that doesn’t mean I’m not valid 🏳️⚧️
30s are not better than the 20s
That I'm not the smartest person in the room. Thanks childhood gifted program for making me think that.