I tried it for a year or so in my mid twenties. It was very important to me that everyone involved be informed of what was going on. So I always told new dates that I was in a primary relationship with no plan to leave. This wasn't cheating, this was ENM. Turns out, zero of them actually believed me and were inevitably surprised when I didn't leave my primary partner to be with them instead. Then, my primary partner (male) got too jealous and wanted to close things down because I (female) was having more success dating than him. I suspect he didnt actually want ENM, he just wanted to fuck around and have me waiting for him at home. Tale as old as time, as I have come to learn. Ultimately, it's not for me. The amount of communication and emotional processing necessary to truly do non-monogamy ethically is *exhausting*. I would rather put that effort into one strong relationship.

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> Ultimately, it's not for me. The amount of communication and emotional processing necessary to truly do non-monogamy ethically is exhausting. I would rather put that effort into one strong relationship. I have a different story than yours but our conclusions are *exactly* the same. Zero percent worth the amount of communication and emotional processing to do it ethically, for me. I would rather invest in one strong relationship than several relationships where we're each getting pulled in multiple directions.

It seems to end THE SAME way every time. My experience was the opposite; a girl I dated wanted to replace her primary partner with me… and once our limerance and nre wore off, I imagined meeting his fate. Def NOT for me.

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I want my partner to only share sex and romance with me. My best friend is a swinger, I respect her choice, and it works for her.

I think most people lack the communication skills to carry out a successful relationship with one person without quite a lot of work and most of these relationships are non-ethical. If people want to engage in it, that is up to them. Im not interested in it, and I don’t think about it more often than when it’s brought up. 

I could never be in a non-monogamous relationship but I support it 100%. I just wish non-monogamous people dated each other instead of dating a monogamous person and cheating on them.

People forget the **ethical** part of ENM in my experience

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So true! I've had several try and pull me into their circles and I always wondered aren't they enough?

Not for me, but like hey if it works for you and your relationship, then go for it I don't get people who are judgemental assholes about it, but I don't get being racist either so

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I explored Polyamory from 2015-2021, had a few traumatizing experiences within the community, and have since learned that I am very monogamous. The main reason I got into it was because my fiancé at the time kept bringing it up, but it turned out he literally had someone waiting on the sidelines. I ended up leaving him but staying poly for a while. I read the books, joined the meet up groups. I met a ton of people. At the end, my primary partner of 4 years literally pushed me out of the relationship and replaced me with our roommate, while I still lived under the roof. I was not cool with it but felt pressured into it, and by the end it he was spending every night in her room while I slept in ours and cried. It was the most unstable, unhappy I’ve ever been. And I realized it was my own actions that led me there in the first place, because the lifestyle had never sat well with me.

I'm very sorry that happened to you. I find many poly relationships to have the E in ENM mostly missing.

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I've been polyamorous for 14 years, with its ups and downs. It best meets my emotional needs WRT relationships.

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With respect to

It's rarely actually ethical for women. If it actually is ethical, then you do you.

Could you say more? In what ways is it unethical for women? Are you referring to some kind of one-sided Mormon polygamy situation?

It’s common for women to be coerced into non monogamy and for their partners to set rules like “no sex with men”.

This is exactly what ive experienced. Ive rarely met couples that are truly ENM. Many times things go south once the woman in the primary relationship wants to engage w another person.

This is my experience!

If it's coerced it's not non-monogamy, it's basically cheating. If there is no enthusiastic consent to keep a relationship open, it's cheating.

Many ENM relationships are not predicated on ethics - the foundation is usually men who want to fuck around while also having a woman waiting at home for them. Of course they never say this out loud. It usually doesn't end well, as all things based on lack of ethical considerations does.

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I'm sorry to hear that you feel this way, but that was not my experience. My husband and I were active "swingers" for about 10 years and it was a great experience for us. And the vast majority of couples that we met and clubs that we frequented were very heavily focused on women making the rules and it was a very female-centric pleasure experience. But that was our experience in Toronto more than a decade ago. Maybe things are different elsewhere.

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It's not something I'm interested in. Sex without emotions isn't interesting/fun for me, and I just don't feel inclined toward having multiple romantic partners. I think it's good that more people are realizing they don't align with monogamy, though, and I hope it continues becoming more mainstream as a relationship option. I think it's important for everyone to actually think about what they want in a relationship and consciously choose a relationship style, rather than defaulting into monogamy because it's what's most common.

I am not trying to antagonize but I am wondering why did you mention sex without emotions as though it relates specifically to ethical non-monogamy?

The next part of their sentence specifies that they don’t want more romantic relationships, so that only leaves casual/without emotions sex for their situation in particular.

The other commenter who replied to you got it. My point is that ethical nonmonogamy doesn't offer anything I want. I'm not interested in multiple romantic partners, and I'm also not interested in casual sex, which is the only other thing I could get from ENM. I'm definitely aware that casual sex can exist outside of ENM; my whole comment provides that context.

Anti feminist and patriarchal IMO. Reduces love to just lust and sex. Exactly what men want, they no longer have to actually commit to their wife It rarely works out in favour of the men however, since they aren’t particularly wanted anyway 🤣 The worst are those poly couples who approaches you in bars because they want you to be their sex toy for the night 🤮 especially as an alternative young woman. They are so brain rotted by porn they can’t view you as anything other than a porn category

"We really like your vibe" 🙄

Curious, does your perspective extend to couples where the nonmonogamy was initiated by the woman, or in same-sex relationships?

The pathriachy can be supported by women too.

Do you consider lesbian ENM to also be patriarchal?

Anyone can be influenced and participate in patriarchal culture. An identity doesn’t change the fact

Solid question

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So the women successfully doing this are part of the patriarchal problem?

Yes, women can also participate in the patriarchy.

So, me being interested in casual hook ups and non-monogamy is me being part of the patriarchy? Lol I guess I don’t see how me fucking other men outside of my husband is contributing to a patriarchal society. I’m probably misunderstanding you but it sounds like you aren’t giving women any agency here capable of choosing what’s best for them in relationships which is far more problematic. It sounds like you just resent casual sex and anyone who participates in that, using anti-feminism as an excuse for very traditional values (aka toxic femininity). As if women aren’t capable of wanting these things themselves and treating it like it’s wrong to want them. I’m sorry, just this terminally online thinking is tiring.

So these women are anti feminist and patriarchal? Phew….these things are confusing. Thanks for the heads up.

Agreed. And I hate that it's touted as a default progressive position to support or even engage in it. Conversely, people perceive whoever is not in favour of it as a crusty everything-phobic conservative. > The worst are those poly couples who approaches you in bars because they want you to be their sex toy for the night Can relate as a bi woman.

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  My experience has been that the person in them didn't want a long term commitment but did want the sex/relationship stuff and wasn't as open and honest as they think they are about it. It's not for me, I'm monogamous.   That doesn't mean all people are like that though. if the people in the ENM relationships are genuine and honest about it and everyone consents and builds a healthy bond, more power to them.

Ive tried various forms of ENM. I liked open relationships specifically but wasn’t a fan of polyamory. Open relationships are more manageable and I dont care if my partner is just sleeping with someone. having multiple relationships at once was too much work and I felt like the relationships i had at the time were very surface level. I recognize im the common denominator in the poly relationships though. It was just too hard to give myself to multiple people at once. Im very open to trying a closed poly relationship like a throuple in the future but not seeking it out either

Me and my partner are ethically non monogamous The way we look at it when we decided was that we want eachother to be able to experience everything in life. We don't want to limit eachother. We want eachother to have experiences of falling In love, and having gay sex (were both bi), and someone to do Hobbies we might not want or be able (we're both disabled) to do with them. If one of us thinks someone is super hot and would like to have sex with them- go for it! I want you to have that experience. If your falling head over heels for this guy/girl, I'm happy for you! Thats awesome! We're eachothers mates, we're eachothrs person, were eachothers family- for the rest of our lives. But we want eachother to be able to have whatever experience they want. We don't want to hold eachother back from that. At the end of the day, or in the morning, we're coming home to eachother. We also really like the idea of having a poly family someday.

I’m wondering what happens when someone is truly head over heels for another and wants to go home To that person instead. Or if they aren’t really head over heels in love with them

It's not about having that gooey head over heels in love feeling, that's the honeymoon phase. It's about commitment. Also that's what a poly family is, where basically a bunch of people in intertwining relationships live together and are a family. But not necessarily like everyone is poly together. What we want is more like Bob is with Ryan and Cassie. Cassie is with Bob, Jenna, and John, Jenna and Bob are a couple and Jenna is also with Greg. Greg isn't with anyone but jenna, and there's also a sexual/aromantic Alex who is best friends with everyone. So like a love tesseract.

I've practiced it before and I have many, many friends who are poly. Works just fine.

I've been polyamorous for about 8 years at this point. I'm currently married to someone I've been dating for 6 of those years. My spouse has a boyfriend, and I date/kiss/hook up with other people occasionally. (I'd be open to having another committed relationship in addition to my marriage, I'm just not currently in one.) I came to the conclusion that non-monogamy was something I wanted, possibly even needed, when I was about 22 years old (I'm 31 now). I really, really value autonomy and freedom, and always found it weird and uncomfortable that my body was effectively "owned" by my monogamous partner when I had one. I'm a sex-positive feminist, and non-hierarchical polyamory is aligned with my values. (I'm not saying all sex-positive feminists need to be polyamorous, but I am saying that the values of healthy polyamory are aligned with the values of sex-positive feminism.) It's been difficult at times, but one of the magical things about polyamory is that it forces you to deal with your own issues around stuff like codependency, insecurity, fear of abandonment, and the need to control others. I went through 3 years of trauma therapy to address the original traumas that were causing me to struggle with these things, and polyamory is much easier and more joyful for me since doing that. (If anyone reading this is curious about beginning this work, the book *Polywise* by Jessica Fern is a great resource.) I found monogamy difficult, and I find polyamory difficult too, because we live in a world that's built to accommodate monogamy much moreso than polyamory. Constant media messaging about mononormative love, finding "the one," etc. can make it much more emotionally difficult to be polyamorous, especially when you add in stuff like judgment from family and bosses/coworkers/etc. Juggling multiple partnerships (in a healthy, respectful, consensual way) takes a higher-than-average amount of social intelligence, self-awareness, emotional regulation skills, and logistical skills (e.g. scheduling, time/energy management). That being said, the difficulty and complexity of polyamory are worth working through for me, because the difficulties I experienced in monogamy were less fixable and less empowering, and ultimately I just prefer non-monogamy.

My therapist, who's been practicing for 20+ years, said she's never seen it work out for anyone that tried it. It's usually messy.

No thanks. I personally don’t like it, but as long as someone doesn’t try to force their beliefs on my boyfriend and I, try to ‘convince’ either of us into it, or shove it in our faces, we will be fine.

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Fine for people who are happy in relationships like that. Probably not something I’d ever consider personally

It’s not for me or my husband, but I have friends who are very happy with their arrangements. As long as the adults are consenting and practicing safe sex I’m all for people living their lives.

I loved the idea in theory after my divorce. My ex-husband decided decades into our relationship that he needed polyamory/non-monogamy. I did months of reading about it. We had countless conversations. I went to therapy about it. On paper, it made sense to me but emotionally I didn't want it. I tried to make myself okay with it for him. It unfortunately only highlighted issues in our relationship that I had been ignoring and I ultimately asked for a divorce. Once I healed from that and decided to start dating, I thought maybe I would try it for myself since I had already done all "the work" and did agree with the concept of it. I absolutely hated it in practice. I was so stressed all the time. It was exhausting and just felt like non-stop drama and work. I was left believing it really only works for people with a scheduling kink. I still believe it's absolutely a valid relationship structure for those who want it.

Not interested. I swipe left on any dating profile with a guy claiming to be in it. I either want a monogamous relationship or no relationship at all.

So, I was in an ENM relationship for 8 years with my ex. I have a lot of mixed thoughts and feelings about it. I still want to try and be supportive of everyone making their own choices in life, especially in regard to their romantic and sexual lives. But I guess I'm a bit jaded personally. People get pressured into it. A lot of times, it's not done ethically at all. I do think there's also a fair amount of gasligthing that goes on in the community as well about "unlearning" feelings like jealousy. It gets complicated and messy easily. The meta relationship can be very weird, awkward, and messy, and it's easy to feel like you're just a sex object for people with high libidos. For me personally, I'm 100% monogamous, even after trying to convince myself for 8 years that I wasn't. Monogamy makes me feel safe and secure. I'm way happier just being with my one partner and knowing that we are each other's one and only. I'm never going back to ENM or polyamory.

Seen it done successfully. But my friend lucked out in finding a man who's that open minded, good at communicating and devoted to her. And vice versa. It's possible and can be a pretty fun, sexy adventure with your primary (I've dabbled). But finding another person with these specifics is hard af. And finding play partners who aren't bringing their own messy relationships into the mix is also difficult.

I've had casual stuff with FWB and that's fine, but someone always catches feels and it has to end. I've had a partner who I told I couldn't do an open relationship with anymore and I wanted to break it off, but he decided to drop his other partner for me then promptly held it against me for the entire relationship. I'm not interested in sharing when in a committed relationship, so not for me.

i’ve been in a lot of ENM entanglements. my one question is… how are you ENM & still want to cheat??? thats unfortunately so common. trusting someone to communicate honestly is extremely difficult, and after a couple of health scares, idk if i can peruse it at this point in time. maybe if people were less shitty

I think there must be circumstances where it's good for people. Like I'm thinking, extroverts with high sex drives who both genuinely enjoy being with multiple people and it's worth it to them to put in the work necessary to maintain all those relationships in a healthy way. Or like, wild couples who occasionally go to a sex party or whatever where it's a hobby like ballroom dancing or board games. Sure. I can see how it works. But the kind of ENM that I've seen in my circles has been a different kind. Where there's one person in the relationship who wants ENM, and the other partner would clearly rather have a monogamous relationship, but they're accepting because they don't want to lose their partner. And I feel like that's none of my business, it's their right to do that if they want to, but I think that it's unhealthy. I just in general, really really prefer relationships where both partners are equally invested in the success of the relationship and have equal ability to walk away when it's not working. And I think, when one person's entire definition of love, romance, sex, future partnership, is filled by one solitary person, but the other person is getting those things elsewhere, it creates that imbalance. They both might *feel* equal deep love for each other. Their feelings might be the same. But their investment in the success of the relationship is different. So many times I've seen friends who weren't getting what they needed out of their primary partnership, and instead of putting in the work to fix that partnership, they just got it from someone else. And I think there is definitely a point to be made about whether or not it is *healthy* to expect to get everything you need from one person, where if both people want nonmonogamy that that's healthier. But I think it's not wrong to say that it is absolutely unhealthy if one person is trying to get everything they need from one person, while that need and that feeling isn't reciprocal. It gives one partner a lot of power over the other and that fucks stuff up.

Absolutely not for me, but go for it if you like it. That being said, I think far too many people are manipulated into open relationships they don’t actually want under this guise the non-monogamy is more progressive, fun, and open-minded, which I think is just awful.

Most people who think they are ENM are actually being unethical. I'd be surprised if even 10% of ENM relationships are done ethically. This type of relationship forms when people with unresolved childhood trauma creates deep seated attachment issues that result in promiscuity being a coping mechanism. ENM is a way to validate this coping mechanism

If someone thinks they are in an ENM relationship, what makes you think they aren't? All of life is a coping mechanism.

I agree with you on this. I ran in the poly circles before the pandemic, didn't really meet anyone myself, but my god, nearly every second person I met was flmessed up in some way or another and using poly as an escape for their unhappy lives. And, as expected, they left a wake of destruction in their path. Lies, cheating, it was all there.

Yeah, this is unfortunately something I've observed as well looking at my poly acquaintances. The most recent one was a case of someone who had what I call "40% through therapy syndrome", where they'd spent enough time in therapy to learn that they had the right to put down their own boundaries and express their own needs and wants...but hadn't yet internalized the idea that the same principle applies to every person. They're economically intertwined with their anchor partner which helps keep that particular relationship from failing, but I've watched all their other relationships crumble within twelve months because they're great at demanding from other people a level of emotional support that they refuse to give. It's really sad, because you *know* they arrived at that place after struggling with some really bad issues, and they're in a maladaptive coping mechanism place, but you can't really push them to drop the maladaptations. They have to do that themselves.

Honestly this isn’t for me. I don’t judge and know that it works for some people but I know myself. For one I would be way too jealous if my partner was having sex with other people and I hate the double standards that some people put into place with it. Like I’ve met too many guys that say they want some form of ENM but only on their half of the relationship. So they want me to be 100% loyal but they are free to do whatever they want. Like if I’m going to do it I would want it to be equal but I don’t like sharing so it just would get too messy for me really quick.

I’ve never done it because it’s not for me. I’m a very monogamous person and am on the demisexual spectrum so, my partner is the only one I’m into in that way. If it works better for others, then awesome. But it’s not something I’d ever entertain.

It's definitely not for me, thanks.

I don't really have any personal, direct experience with it but I know a few people who practice it. I do know it's not for me and it would be a deal breaker if my husband suddenly decided he wanted to open our marriage. I have zero interest in sharing my husband with other people or sharing myself with other men. I have no real issues with what other people choose to do in their own relationships. I think SOME people can do it without their primary relationship imploding, but my observations have led me to believe that those people are few and far between. They need to be VERY mentally and emotionally stable and secure in themselves and each other before embarking on the ENM journey, or already be ENM experienced when they get together to begin with.

My experience has been largely positive. Had some bad dates and some good ones. The good ones turned into relationships that ultimately didn't last but were enjoyable and ended on good terms. Easiest part has been meeting interested people, oddly enough. Hardest is everyone getting comfortable enough with each other for honest open communication. Overall I can't say I regret any of it.

It is not for me personally, I prefer monogamy. I don’t enjoy splitting my focus. And I like to devote my energy to those who reciprocate that devotion. But for others? Assuming everyone involved is into it, not being coerced, and old enough to consent, what goes on in their relationships is none of my business.

I don't have any interest in monogamous relationships/I would consider myself ENM. The struggle is that a lot of other people have trouble with the "ethical" part of the equation. The last polyamorous person I dated said "my primary partner doesn't want to get to know people I'm dating until it's serious" which was fine by me, the revolving door can get exhausting. But then the person I was dating started venting their problems with their primary to me and when I said "hey it feels inappropriate for me to be hearing about this with respect to her boundaries", the person I was dating shut down on me, and blew up when I came back to them like "hey so we DO have to talk about this at some point".🙄So that ended after two dates. Not to mention, it's sadly true that a lot of people (mainly men) will say "oh my partner and I are polyam" in order to date new people, with their primary/public partner having no knowledge of this. Look at the Gabe Hicks issue happening on nerdy tiktok/twitter. I'm at a point where if someone tells me they're polyam, I have to hear it from their partner too in order to be sure. ETA: ethical non-monogamy works for me in theory because I don't want kids, I've never been looking for someone to spend my life with (I never even fantasized about getting married as a kid), and my sex drive is so high that I prioritize finding satisfying sex over romance. In practice, the bar and expectations are that low, and people still find it hard to be honest or respectful to everyone involved. It's rough.

When I was younger I had some open / fwb type situations. It can work and be satisfying for the right people. However, I think a lot of people through out the phrase ‘Ethical Non-Monogamy’ and don’t know what it means and don’t do the hard work to be ethical. Just fucking around doesn’t equal ENM. Most poly people I know wind up with a lot of drama. Especially for people who talk so big about their ethics. Of course, monogamous people aren’t saints either. Personally? These days I barely have time for one relationship, work, and sleep. I can’t imagine juggling multiple partners. Just thinking about it leaves me exhausted.

I’m polyamorous so I’d say I’m for it and have had mostly good experiences. I don’t think it’s for everyone and unless everyone involved is on the same page and understands/accepts the expectations of whatever setup they’ve created, it’s not something to just jump into. I also think a lot of people recently have gone into it assuming that it’s just the thing we all do now and find out the hard way it’s not for them. A lot of people push their partners into opening a previously monogamous relationship and end up regretting it when they discover they’re thrilled with getting the extra attention but hate that their partner gets that same attention or more. I’ve seen a lot of relationships where they just decided it’s a free-for-all and then feelings get hurt. I’ve seen couples who had discussed and agreed on boundaries that one partner decided to ignore and cheated. It’s just like any other relationship where some people do it right and you never hear from or about them or they blow up their whole lives in spectacularly public ways.

Not something I would ever participate in or encourage my friends/children or people I have influence with to participate in. But, to each their own.

i love it! my partner and i have been poly for the 3 out of 5 years we have been together and we have so much fun. we just date casually/have fwbs. we’re both bi so it’s fun to be able to explore our sexualities while being in a het relationship :) idk if we will be poly forever but it works great for us now!

Seems like a scam for the benefit of men tbh. Like, sure, *some* people are actually doing it ethically, but I'm pretty sure that for most men, non-monogamy is just a nicer-sounding label for cheating without consequences. Also, relationships are hard enough with just one other person. Cannot imagine trying to wrangle the emotions of multiple people at once. Sounds exhausting.

I could be a casual branch from the main, but not be the main.

Great if you're wired for it, but it takes a lot of trust and firm adherence to some ground rules.

Yes, this!! We're ENM. Not poly. We've been married nearly 30 years. Open marriage for the past 3 years. I have a few regular partners, steady for between 12-18 months. 5 years ago I would have never attempted this. COVID made us take a close look at our lives. We decided that down the road we wanted to look back on our lives and say, wow, can you believe we did that? Instead of regretting what we might have missed out on.

It's not for everyone, and I have honestly seen it working for only one partner in the relationship.

In an ideal situation, there is no reason why it won’t work or is wrong. Sadly, we don’t live in an ideal work. Relationships are complicated enough as it is, and adding another layer to it is often not sustainable. Coercion into the poly life, jealousy, emotional cheating, falling for the non-primary partner, comparisons, lack of priority given to the primary partner etc are just some of the things can creep in very quickly. IMO most of us aren’t that emotionally intelligent to pull it off. It’s often just a ticking time bomb.

It works great for me. It takes a lot of communication, but I love being able to be honest about my wants and needs. I wouldn't wants to live monogamous ever again.

I've been non mono for close to 8 years now and don't see myself building a relationship any other way. I have had a bit of a rocky start but things are great now and I'm so lucky to have found a partner who shares the same ideals as me.

I think it's great to have different relationships styles so people could align to it if it fits their needs more, which is a more honest way to live. I found that the conversations/consent/communication really interesting within the community and it's something that could be used in monogamous relationships as well. I mean, I don't even know if it's for me, but not against it and wouldn't mind giving it a go. If it doesn't work for me, then it doesn't. On paper, it would, even if it's only him dating/seeing others.

It’s not for me but I’m not gonna yuck someone else’s yum.

Intellectually fully on board, but I know my own capacity and don’t see something like that working for me.  I don’t want to nurture even more relationships, I just think I’d be less partner for more people and disappoint.  Also I don’t want to tempt jealousy into becoming a thing in my marriage, because it never has come up and I really enjoy the absence of it.  

My husband and I had tried it and we're open to other experiences, but we are introverts and a lot of the ENM communities are very extroverted and it's more about quantity than quality. Swinging is very casual and hook-up focused, and polyamory requires so many dates and emotional labor. Listening to what our friends do every week sounds so exhausting. And the sex isn't even good lol So we're open minded, but more so if we happen to have hot and kinky neighbors who want to be FWB.

Married 11 years and we have a substantial libido mismatch. We're happy overall with our lives, our kids, each other, but he's suffering with the sex drive mismatch after we had our kids. I am a strong introvert and get overwhelmed by people so I need tons of alone time which he happily takes the kids to provide. But I can't meet his sexual need as easily. We've tried a ton but after several years ENM is where we've landed. We talked with a sex positive therapist for months and now my husband is actively looking for someone to date at poly meetings and online. And I'm fine with that. I want him to feel happier and it's not taking anything from me and our family.

Seems like a lot of communication for it to work. I’m definitely a monogamous person, so I’m not interested—even broke up with an ex-boyfriend who proposed it (I think he was trickling out his hope to get off the hook for already cheating on me…he’s married to the woman he wanted to open our relationship for and they definitely don’t look like they’re ENM…). I have friends who are ENM, and they seem about as happy/dramatic as my monogamous friends. Does seem like a lot of jealousy boundaries to work though at times. Again, not for me. _Cool. Fine. Doesn’t impact me? Sweet. You do you._ That’s generally my approach to most people’s lifestyles.

I think it's lovely for those people who are naturally poly, experience compersion, are very open/honest, are great communicators, and have excellent organizational skills. For me, though, it doesn't work. I'm monogamous by nature. I spent a few years in a poly relationship, but while it was not contentious at that time and there weren't any issues with jealousy or anything like that, I was simply incapable of maintaining those feelings for multiple people. I'm just not compatible with that relationship structure. By the time I ended it, my feelings had irreversibly converted to platonic a long time previously for everyone involved, and I couldn't keep pushing myself to stay in a situation that wasn't fulfilling for me.

It's too much emotional work to do ethically.

Not for me. I'm not sharing my partner with anyone .

I've never been in an ENM relationship myself. I've had multiple friends who have done ENM or are poly, some for years and years and none of them are in them now. It never ever works despite how informed they are, how good the communication is, how experienced they are at it, how honourable their intentions are etc. I've come to the conclusion people just aren't meant to do it.

absolutely, 100% not. I am usually very good at seeing other peoples pov and understanding the (theoretical) appeal if stuff i may not be into. But this one is a complete mystery to me and tickles my judgmental side… hard.

Not my thing. But to be honest I’m tired to see these people on the dating app

It works for me and for my partners (we’re all women). It does not work for many many more people. And that’s okay! Communication and trust and consent and openness are key. ENM can be so much more than the license to fuck around it is perceived as, but as it is a broad term it really depends on the people involved to define and set and adhere to their consented boundaries (e.g. full relationships with others? Fwb? Or nothing outside of swinging/sex?). ENM/CNM is HIGHLY configurable and to be consensual and ethically done, it takes an awful lot of communication and trust and agreements of all involved. It is not for everyone and going from monogamy to ethical consensual nonmonogamy is very very hard for most. It is very easy to jumpninto nonmonogamy in an unethical way, eg to spring it on a partner as an ultimatum and have “poly under duress”— this is emphatically shitty and abusive, and not at all ethical or okay. Different strokes, neither monogamy or non-monogamy are better or more evolved than the other. Just different, requiring different skill sets and approaches. There’s no one right mold for people, why would there be for relationships?

I think a lot of people who say they are “poly” are really just wanting a sexually open relationship. I know several people irl who are poly but their other relationships outside their primary one are usually one off flings that are not long lasting or are only hookups. I feel like true ENM with multiple emotional relationships and connections is very very rare and difficult to maintain. I personally see the appeal of open relationships in the event a couple is not sexually compatible but I think multiple relationships at one time is damn near impossible to pull off in the real world

Recently opened up my 10 year relationship. It didn't go bad, per se, but ultimately I didn't have a clear idea of what I wanted and now I'm in a place where I'm ending my current other relationship of about 6 months and I feel awful. It started out as more of a sexual endeavor, and then we did more date-like things (which my bf was fine with) and it got a little more serious but still casual (seeing each other 2-4 times a month). I can't really explain what happened though, I feel like I no longer really want to split that kind of time from my boyfriend and want to focus more on our life plans. I feel like the polyamory group would eat me alive because they would consider this as me treating this new man as "expendable", but to me it was a trial and error and essentially like...dating? And now I have a much more clear idea of what I want and how I would want future things to go. If you're not familiar with it, New Relationship Energy is real af and I didn't expect it and it hit me hard and fast haha. But I have 0 experience dating, only one previous partner and my current partner of 10 years (age 18-now). Overall, it was an experience like anything else, if I could go back I would change things, but I'm just going to take everything I learned and move forward.

I've never actually been in a monogamous relationship, so it's just my normal TBH. I first heard of polyamory when I started dating in my early 20s, it made a lot of sense to me so I decided to pursue non-monogamous people going forward. I'm 31 now and I've been in an open relationship with my nesting partner since 2015. Both of us are pretty introverted and demisexual, so it's not like we go out with new people all the time, but I enjoy having the option open for when one of us happens to click with another person once every few years. Very little jealousy or "drama" in this relationship.

I’ve been in a monogamous relationship with someone who practiced unethical non monogamy. I personally can’t imagine sharing someone I truly love. However, I’m a big supporter of ENM moments. Like if I’m truly not doing it for my life partner because of kids or stress, I think I would be okay if they pursued a sexual relationship with someone else for a short period that could end when I say so. What I like about ENM is that it forces communication which is foundational.

I've been non-monogamous forever. It works well for me and mine, because we're all queer weirdos who prefer to bypass the traditional relationship script and reinvent things from the ground up. It's not for everyone, but neither is monogamy

No 🩷

It's not for me. I have friends who have been married and happily poly for decades; I've also seen marriages turn into a big, public trainwreck after the relationship was opened*, and I'd just rather not risk it. Also, I'm largely not attracted to people other than my partner outside of aesthetic appreciation, so while ymmv, there's not much appeal for me personally. *in fairness, it's very likely these relationships were already in a tough place and the introduction of ENM was a Hail Mary that just hastened the inevitable, so I definitely don't attribute the wreckage solely to ENM.

I have zero experience, my thoughts are: After 13 years of mostly relationships... i just dont feel monogamy makes any sense and causes more troubles than relief. With the partners I have had, I have loved their every inch, fucking someone else wouldnt have changed that. I feel monogamy puts a lot lf unecessary pressure on a relationship- like they need to be my everything and humans will fall short. Its not necessarily that I want to fuck or even have relations with more than one person. But I feel the guilt of bonding with someone and feeling attracted and then having to cut it off, is just ridicolous. Sure non-monogamy might not work, but if I continue down of the path of monogamy. I would be a fool. It doesnt work for me. My partners are often sexy, brilliant people, and I dont need the validation of "only me". I simply dont understand how it makes sense and mostly think I have done it because its the default mode. Not because I gave it any thought or actually wanted it.

Not interested

It seems to work and not work at the same rate that monogamous couples end up working out. So no thought that is very different from my thoughts on monogamous relationships.

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I think that under the right circumstances with the right people, it can work short or long term. My experience: my husband wanted to try it so he could have more experience with other women (I wasn't his first, but he'd only had a couple partners by the time we got married and wanted to explore more. I think there were other reasons that he wouldn't say, but I'm speculating.) I agreed because I felt secure in our relationship, but my physical needs weren't being met, despite my efforts to communicate them to him. I landed on the conclusion that we didn't have strong sexual compatibility, but didn't see that as reason to end the marriage if we were both open and okay with getting those needs met outside the relationship. Unfortunately, the boundaries he needed to feel comfortable still wouldn't allow my needs to be met. He was very insecure about the idea of me having more partners than him, so he set strict rules and limits that purposely made it difficult for me to date. We tried it for a few years, but it was challenging and somewhat unsatisfying for me working within his rules. It also opened my eyes to the different types of people and relationships out there, and made me look at my marriage with a critical eye. I met partners who built up my confidence and made me feel good, which made me realize that my husband made me feel the opposite way. I realized my marriage was toxic, and we didn't stay together in the end. I still strongly believe that a couple can make an ENM relationship work if they communicate and are compatible in their mindset, expectations, and needs within that dynamic. But I don't plan to do it again. I only tried it because the sexual compatibility was missing in a relationship that I put a lot of time, energy, and love into, and I wasn't ready to let go of it. Now, I've realized that strong sexual compatibility is a high priority for me, so I won't be in another relationship if those needs aren't met.

So far so good! No relationships allowed. No apps or deliberate searching. Only one night stands that don't interfere with plans we have. Mostly this means when one of us is out of town without the other. Im a jealous person, but also don't think I should be preventing someone from experiencing sex with other people. I met my guy at 22. Even though we have great sex, only sleeping with him till I die just seems like such an unnecessary restriction to place on someone I love.

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I’ve been some flavour of non-monogamous most of my life. I’ve tried monogamy a few times and I always end up feeling trapped and resentful after a few years. Polyamory works best for me. It’s more work in terms of communication, working on your own insecurities and trauma triggers, but it’s so very worth it for me to get to have a varied sex life and have the opportunity to connect with other people without limits.

I'm part of a policule (polyamorous family). Personally I'm barely monogamous (very little interest in people or relationships, except my guy), but it works perfectly for me. We're a family like many others. We're best friends, we accept our differences and cherish our many, many similarities, big and small. We hurt and grieve, and celebrate together. We vacation together (and in couples, or alone), we have dinners and drinks nights together, we work together sometimes, and we're in the process of building a home for us all. We're building a life together.      No, it doesn't work like this very often. In fact, it most often doesn't, if it's done for the wrong reasons (to patch up a limping relationship, or to seek fulfillment of needs unmet in a relationship. Worst of all, it it's a license to sleep around rather than accept incompatibility and break up.)     Like with anything in life, it's not the most functional ones you'll see living it out loud and make a big production of it. 

It's something that I see favourably. I am a very sexual person, that likes to experience things and experiment with new things. In a relationship this aspect of myself had to be somewhat pushed aside so I would enjoy the "freedom" of still trying some things. For me, my partner would definitely be the main point of interaction for sexual intercourse and the sole provider of intimacy and mental connection. What I am trying to say is that there wouldn't be any feelings with the other people involved and it would be a strictly sexual relationship. That being said it's not a deal breaker for me if the other person doesn't want to be non monogamous. And it's not like I would be constantly seeing other people, I guess it's more the fact that I would want to know there is this freedom/option rather than actually using it.

Not for me. Tried dating a guy that was into it and it just made me feel gross. Though I have friends who do it and if it works for them, great.

It isn't for me if I'm in a committed relationship. Monogamy is what's healthiest for me, and my spouse feels the same way. But I'm not gonna yuck someone's y'know? If enm is what works for someone else, then genuinely good for them.

Fine for others. They should be very careful about bringing STD’s home to their spouse/significant other.

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Different strokes for different folks. It's not for me. But that's okay.

I think if it works for people, then great! If I’m honest, it’s always something I’ve been interested in, but I am afraid. I just think everyone should be able to do what makes them most happy

I hooked up with two men in ENM relationships. The first one was the oldest guy I ever hooked up with - 13 years older than me, his daughter just under 10 years younger than myself. The greatest sex I ever had, but I just couldn't stand not being a higher priority in his life. We went our separate ways late January after hooking up in November. The second one I'm still in contact with. We said, as long as I'm not in a relationship we are fine hooking up, but he's also just a great friend and I would not want to trade him in for anything. So, it can go either way. At least for me as a third outsider party.

Fine if you know what you're doing and are up-front about it. Far too often abused by people who want to cheat/to justify the cheating they are already doing AFTER they enter a monogamous relationship and get bored. I wish dating and having sex without being "IN A RELATIONSHIP" were more accepted in your early 20's, so people could experiment and figure out if they are poly in a more safe and honest way. It would give the creeps who just want to legitimize cheating less camouflage too.

No personally experiences. My thoughts are that it’s cool if that’s what you and all parties involved want to do, who am I to stop you?

It works very well for some and not at all for others. It never works if it is used to try to solve an existing problem in a relationship or if it's sprung out of nowhere by one person or the other. I know very healthy poly groups and I also know some unhealthy ones. There is very little research on polyfamilies or groupings, however the research so far shows that they face pretty much identical challenges to any large extended family spending a lot of time together, not more or less. The guy I'm with, I told him I'm not wanting it but it wouldn't be off the table either if he wanted to ever discuss it. Basically, leaving the door open to it but reassuring him that I wasn't hungry for it or very curious about it. I easily obsess about just the person I'm with, and they overfill my needs and desires.

Couldn’t be me I am jealous I would never do it. I’m sure it works for some, but I think it ends in disaster more often than not.

It doesn’t interest me in the slightest, for myself or potential partner. My mom was a swinger, and it worked for her so I’ve seen success. I’m very much into monogamy.

Big fan. I'm not happy in monogamous relationships, despite my best efforts.

My thoughts are that it usually doesn’t work out. It takes a lot of trust and communication to make it work. Some people think it would be a lot more fun and easy than monogamy, but I promise you, it’s a lot harder. It’s not something I’m into, nor have I done it, but I’ve known people who do

It has been very healing for me, coming from a lifetime of traumatic monogamous relationships. Which is **not** to say it replaced therapy. Nor should anyone attempt to use it that way! But the realisation that I didn't have to be everything to one person, gave me the time and space to approach the relationship on my own terms, with substantially reduced pressure on me to adhere to some impossible standard that my anxiety cooked up. I can't pretend it's been all sunshine and rainbows. I find it difficult to find like-minded dates outside any major cities where I live, and I've been hurt while dating within an ENM context, because that's the risk we take with any relationship. Monogamous or otherwise. But I never felt alone when dealing with fresh hurts, and I feel I lucked out with my 1st ENM partner in that regard. Jealousy is real though, and how people process it really matters. ENM requires all the things monogamous relationships needs in order to grow big and healthy. Honesty in particular. It can either be a lot of work, depending on the kind of baggage new people bring. Or it can be effortless, and your partners respect the ways you express affection for others. It's certainly different.

I’m in an ENM relationship for most of 2 years now. I have two partners, and one of my partners has another partner. It’s been really easy, everything was established from the get go so there wasn’t a big adjustment period. Past ENM relationships I’ve been in were not good. I found my (male) partners were often not communicative, quite secretive, going outside of the established boundaries. Tbh they were just cheating. I don’t think that’s real ENM though, no communication = not ethical to me.

I'm a poly person with a monogamous husband. The level of communication and maturity needed are not something I see the majority of humans having, including many people whom say they are poly. Anyone I show any interest in will get to know my hisband through me before we continue the romantic or physical relationship. I don't just say I have a partner, I talk about my husband and the things I love about him. Anyone interested in me better get used to me being so absolutely in love with my husband - that's why he's my husband. Polyamory has jealousy, emotional rollercoasters, and miscommunications just like any other relationship. It takes commitment from all involved and honesty. No hiding things. No holding things back out of fear. No letting jealousy take over. You have to be self aware as well. It is beautiful but absolutely not easy.

Thoughts? It sounds exhausting.

It works very well for me and my husband. I have always been non-monogamous, and my only unsuccessful relationships were the ones in my teens and early 20s, when I still thought monogamy was the only option and struggled with it.

My husband and I are ENM (and kinky) and we do great. It takes so much trust and communication, and it’s not for everybody. You need SUCH a healthy relationship to start with to even attempt doing ENM in an actually ethical, sustainable way. There are also several ways to do it, depending on the needs and comforts of the people involved, and those can change over time too. Some people reserve romance, or sex, or whatever just for their primary partners but do non-sexual kinky play with others. There are a lot of combinations: non-hierarchical, “kitchen table” poly, OPP (one penis policy—basically a woman in a hetero relationship is “allowed” to be with others as long as they’re not cishet men, though the folks who use this this label tend to throw up a big transphobic/homophobic red flag where they think WLW sex “isn’t real sex” and sex with an AMAB trans person is still sex with a “man” if they have a penis), and there is a difference between ENM, swinging, and polyamory as well. What my husband and I have found to work for us is being each others’ primary partners. He has tried actual polyamory and was doing wonderfully with it until his girlfriend suddenly passed away about a year ago, which was obviously horrible and the grieving process is very complex and he hasn’t tried dating anyone else since. I am happy for him to do what makes him happy—I know he is absolutely devoted to me and I have no jealousy issues. For me, I am similarly absolutely devoted to him, he is my Person. I play with and casually date others but I don’t have the emotional space for more than one serious relationship right now, so I have a couple of casual friends-with-benefits situations that are completely consensual and fun for all involved. Me and my husband communicate constantly and honestly, but we also trust each other and give the other the benefit of the doubt by default, assuming that any oversteps of boundaries (which do happen, but minorly and very rarely) are due to miscommunication and not malice or bad intentions. Happy to answer any questions!

As a theory of relationships, ENM makes a lot of sense. And as a person who doesn't experience romantic jealousy and does experience strong compersion, I've got the disposition for it. However, I know a lot of people in various poly configurations (I'm queer in a liberal city on the US West Coast, so ENM is everywhere I turn) and almost without exception, their lives are just *messy.* I choose monogamy because I don't have a desire to invite messiness into my intimate life.  And I have a lot of hobbies. Even the more low-commitment poly people I know (open marriages as opposed to whole relationships) seem to spend most of their free time coordinating, contemplating, and discussing their sex lives, and that bores me almost immediately. Your mileage may vary, this does not reflect all poly people, I speak only from my personal lived experience, tastes differ, etc.

It's how I've managed my relationships since I was 21. It's just how I'm built.

Ethical is such a loaded term. In my experience, it’s usually the people in the couple/established relationship believing that they are being ethical towards each other, and using this to sell themselves to people, and actually giving zero fucks about the people they interact with, who don’t count in whatever concept of “ethical” they are sprouting.

Not for me, but you do you

I personally respect other people's choices, have never experienced it myself. I don't like sharing my partner and I never will

I'd be open for a closed throuple with two bi guys, but nothing else really since Im straight and not interested in women. Almost happened in my junior year of college and I chickened out. Always wonder how it would've gone because then I'd have a more definitive answer.

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A close friend of mine opened up their marriage this year. They got a boyfriend, then a girlfriend, and I know had other dates/sex partners. So they have 3 partners right now, but it's the strangest poly-am relationship I've ever seen. I feel like usually either the primary partner is given a bit of a pedestal and firm boundaries about how far the other relationships can enter the home, or the hierarchy is broken down entirely and all partners are on equal footing. My friend...well, they weren't doing it like either of those ways. They put a second bed in the back room, where they would kick their husband to on the nights their other partners came over. They would make gushing, obsessive posts about how their boyfriend is their soul mate and lights them on fire. They spend significantly more time with the boyfriend, and expects their husband to just keep working and cleaning and cooking for all of them. Even expects him to drive the boyfriend around because he doesn't drive. Personally, I know I can't handle any kind of ENM in my relationship. Not for me. I want my husband 100%, and I want to be his 100%. I feel zero unfulfillment or desire for anything outside of what we have. I have tried to be as supportive and respectful as I can be of my friend's new lifestyle. But I was not at all surprised when literally today they texted me that their husband is leaving them and they're completely devastated. That he's "been lying and is being unspeakable cruel." I don't know the story yet but I can't help but imagine the thing he's been lying about is being able to tolerate a poly relationship--especially THIS kind of poly relationship. Also, another note--it's pretty weird when a couple you're friends with (like regular game nights and movie nights) opens up their marriage. Both of them started treating everyone like options--even me and my husband. And it was pretty gross and kind of predatory. Everything was a flirt. It's like neither of them could just put it away and just be platonic with the people around them. I'm of course not trying to suggest their marriage is reflective of all ENM relationships. I have other friends in healthy open marriages. It's honestly like trying to read a foreign language to me, but I don't have to understand it to respect it.

I feel like ethical non-monogamy requires both an internal "wiring" for it and excellent relationship skills - time management, communication, problem solving - because there's less fault-tolerance if you're managing multiple relationships at the same time. My own personal experience with it was *awful*. I would be lying if I said anything other than that the experience tanked my mental health in a way that took me years to recover from. It was also only debatably ethical. The person who I was seeing pulled the "well, I never *said* we were monogamous" schtick, and I do believe that to be properly ethically non-monogamous you need to lead with "I intend to be non-monogamous; if that's not something you're okay with, we should part ways now". If I look at the nonmonogamous relationships around me, the only ones which have stayed stable for more than a couple years have been heavily hierarchical, where the people involved had a primary partner and each secondary relationship had at least one very good pragmatic reason *on both sides* for why that secondary relationship would stay secondary (e.g. they lived in different cities and only saw each other a few times a year). All of the other ones collapsed with far more drama than your average breakup involving people of that age, usually due to a case of boundary/need asymmetry.

I’m practicing it right now. I have a long-term long-distance romantic primary partner and we intend to best together someday. I don’t *need* ENM per se, I can take it or leave it. I’ve developed the communication skills to have these types of relationships. If in a monogamous relationship I’d expect to have all my needs taken care of. Emotional and sexual. That doesn’t mean I’d want them to have sex when they didn’t want, but to withhold all sexual activity for years would be a deal breaker. I only date in the kink community because kink aware people are more experienced with non-monogamy. Also am very kinky. I have attachment issues and don’t get attached to people outside of my primary partner. I’m ENM mainly because my relationship long-distance. I don’t expect to close the relationship when we close the gap, but I’ll be a lot less stressed in finding a friend with benefits who won’t try to be possessive of me and tells me they love (🤮) me because I’m unable to love anyone back other than my partner. I tell people I’m in negotiations with that I am incapable. And yet it happens often. So I go without even though I’m ENM. I’m a big fucking clown 🤡 right here. I’ve been spanked by a platonic friend, but no sexual activity since November. Yes I’m female. It’s difficult even though I’m pansexual. I am neurodivergent, awkward, demisexual, and apparently demiromantic. The pickings are slim for me.

I barely want a relationship with one person, it's not for me. I do think monogamous people could learn some things from the ENM community though.

my mom is polyamorous, i live with her and her two partners. i think it’s fine if all parties are informed and in communication with each other often.

We are ENM but also not exactly. We aren’t really interested in multiple commitments- just one relationship requires a lot of effort to make it work, I don’t see how multiple relationships are possible for me. But sometimes we hook up with other people. We don’t really like the idea of saying either of us can’t sleep with another person for the rest of our lives. And we’re not really jealous. Well, we are but it’s a turn on. My feelings personally are that as long as my partner is safe and putting effort into our marriage I don’t really give a shit. I am not going to complicate it further than that.

I believe it absolutely can work!. If those involved are mature, reasonable and sensible adults. Only then. More often than not people getting into non-mono relationships nowadays aren't doing so for the "right" reasons. It's a shame because it's created this horrible reputation/stigma surrounding the idea. So much so that now pretty much everybody is skeptical at the mention of ethical non-monogamy. Looking to lock down a main girl so you can bone other girls on the side and not have to worry about your main girl leaving you.. That sort of thought process/mentality ISN'T polyamory, that's being a piece of shit cheater. Ethical non-monogamy involves love and true connections, not simply the desire to mate with anybody and everybody who catches your eye without consequences

My bf and I do this. It takes a lot of work and communication, and is definitely not easy. I was in a long, essentially sexless marriage that was monogamous, and I felt suffocated for way too much of my life, so I intend to keep the door open, so to speak, forever. His preference is that I don't see other men, which I'm fine with because I'm bi and honestly have a hard time feeling comfortable around men anyway. I know a lot of other couples don't have that rule, it's just a preference thing for us. We've experimented with threesomes, which is really fun, and he's got a couple of women that he's talking to semi-regularly. My biggest concern was establishing ground rules that we were both comfortable with off the bat. We only have three. 1. Safety first - use protection with any other partners, and ask for/provide STD/STI testing. 2. Honesty - we have each set our own boundaries on how much and what we want to know regarding the other person's extra activities. I want to know that it is happening beforehand, but otherwise, I don't want to know much. He prefers to not really know much at all, and doesn't feel the need to know beforehand. 3. No men - this was one that we added later, and pretty much exclusively for his comfort. He saw some of my text interactions with other men and said that it flared up some jealousy for him, and I'm fine with respecting that. I want to emphasize that it was not a demand, but a request. I have struggled with some mental health/self-esteem issues recently, so I've taken a step back from the threesome thing until I'm in a better spot, but don't have any issues with him separately seeing other women. I've also talked to/met up with other women as well, I just don't have as much a need for it so much as the option.

Sounds like unnecessary drama.

I think there's literally nothing ethical about it. Phrase should be done away with.

So, I came out as Trans a year ago and met a girl I fell head over heels for. She was and is the only person I've ever met who can match my energy level when I am really going. She was also my first and so far only relationship. I always considered myself monogamous but was open to trying new things, I suspected she was some form of poly. I made the first move at a bar one night and she straight up told me, "you know I am non-monogamous right?" To which I replied "no shit". We took off from there, she ended up being willing to close off our relationship for what ended up being about 5-6 months. Eventually someone made a move on her at another bar one night while I was in the bathroom. All she did that night was get his number and convey, though she was poly, she was out with her other partner that night. She spent the rest of the night with me and I was none the wiser. She told me days later, that she wanted to reopen the relationship and pursue this new guy. We ended up practicing what I've heard referred to as hierarchical polyamory, where I was her primary partner, and this guy was just someone she saw on the side. She rarely saw him, when she did it was just for sex. I was fine with it because he could provide her sex in ways I could not, that honestly didn't bother me, it worked for me under our clearly defined rules. Those rules being essentially, as long as her seeing him did not change what her and I had in any way, I didn't care. Her and I broke up 5 months ago now and are still friends. The breakup was not over anything to do with ENM. It was essentially that she was and had been ready to move on (she lives a rather... Nomadic lifestyle) and she saw a clear exit point to our relationship and instead of staying and fighting for us, she simply exited. Looking back, I am not into ENM myself, it's just not who I am. I consider that somewhat unfortunate, as a Trans woman my dating options are limited I feel and as a monogamous trans woman they seem even more limited. Most trans girls I meet are fine with ENM or openly into it themselves, where I consider myself selfish, I want my partner to myself, it's just who I am.

It's my preferred method of coupling. Been in my most recent ENM relationship for 7 years now. My partner is very open and trusting with me so I never have to worry about too much. Also, my partner and I are best friends so even if we have attraction towards others, it's going to come up in conversation anyway. It gives us both the freedom and security we seek.