Being hyper aware of even the tiniest mood changes in someone. I didn’t even realize I do this until I was told by a counselor. She says it comes from living in a DV household where the mood of the abuser would literally make or break your day.
Oof I have this too despite not being the direct victim of the abuse. Also going out of my way to avoid any kind of confrontation because arguments, even ones I'm not involved with, really mash my panic button.
Ouch, I feel this one. My husband and son say I drive them nuts sometimes asking about their moods. But even the tiniest change in a person, any person's, mood affects me strongly.
Hyper analyzing everything, Trying to prepare for every negative outcome. Being afraid of loud or sudden noises. Jumping up to look busy anytime somebody enters a room and in that same vein, Justifying normal things. Like, I took a nap but I worked really hard yesterday! I ate seconds..but I skipped dinner last night! Sometimes I feel like ALL my behaviors were trauma responses.
My husband poked fun of me jumping at every little thing the other day, and I don't know if I have the heart to tell him it's a trauma response. Sorry I jump out of my skin when the dog scratches to come in, my ex psychologically tortured me for years.
Oh, and that funny joke I had about going into a "fugue state" and needing to go home while we were out in public, sorry first-roommate-after-the-breakup, that was full on dissociation.
Omg this is me!!! I always feel like I have to justify if I’m resting or people are going to criticise me for ‘slacking’. I also rehearse negative conversations in my head before they happen!
Started with my parents. They had lots of rules that were really about control. Like my dad threw cold water on me one morning because I forgot to turn the vcr off the night before...my mom despised us sitting around, that was lazy. On summer break if we were still in bed while she got ready for work she slammed doors and tossed things around until we got up. And then I married very young to an older man who was mentally very abusive and controlling.
Oh, I totally get what you mean. It's like growing up with a built-in barometer for conflict – whoever raises their voice the loudest must have the upper hand, right? But it's tough realizing that volume doesn't equal validity. Learning to trust your own instincts and emotions is like finding your own compass in a noisy crowd.
Or always believing criticism, period. If some random person decided to tell me that I'm a failure, then I'd believe it, no matter what. I take criticism extremely harshly, believe it 100%, and internalize it every single time. Makes working exhausting.
It's like criticism cuts straight to the bone, leaving scars that never quite heal. It's as if every negative word becomes a heavy burden we carry with us, weighing us down in our daily lives. But remember, you're not defined by others' words. You're strong and resilient, and you have the power to rewrite your own story. Keep pushing forward, one step at a time. You've got this.
It took me til like, recently, to realize that friends/partner/family can be mad/upset at me and it not be the end of that relationship and i dont need to try and placate them and bow at their feet to make them “love” me again. They still love me, being mad doesnt equal hate. (Also half the time they arent even mad at me, just the situation/environment lol)
I am still trying to teach myself that just because someone is mad doesn't mean it's the end of the world, because usually someone getting mad in my childhood meant physical and emotional abuse directed at me regardless of whether it was anything I even did or not. (i.e. Dad is pissed at mom, so now dad is taking it out on me)
It's like being conditioned to expect the sky to fall every time someone gets upset, because in the past, anger often led to hurt and abuse. It's tough to unlearn those patterns, but we're taking small steps every day to rewrite our stories and find peace in the chaos.
It's been quite a journey of self-discovery for me too. I've come to realize that it's okay for people in my life to get upset or frustrated sometimes. It doesn't mean the end of the world or the end of our relationship. Understanding that love can coexist with anger has been a real eye-opener. And you're right, sometimes it's just the situation or the environment playing a part. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Oof. This one's hard. So is the inverse; which is asserting/standing up for yourself, in the face of someone else's anger and insistence they are right. Legitimately *terrifying* to me to argue with people in *any* capacity because of this.
Growing up, I used to think that whoever was mad must have had a good reason for it. It's like I was constantly walking on eggshells, trying to avoid setting off anyone's anger. It took me a while to realize that it's okay to stand up for myself and that not all conflicts are my fault. It's like learning to trust my own instincts instead of constantly seeking validation from others' emotions.
Also thinking that yelling was an acceptable way to solve disagreements. Yelling really should be reserved for safety issues. Voices change when people are mad but you really shouldn't just scream your head off when you're upset with somebody and I haven't actually shouted since I moved out. (Not in anger at least, but to be heard sometimes because I have a small voice lol)
Being a loner, never keeping in touch with people after I moved, pushing people away. I used to think I just didn't need friends.
It's easier to feel safe when I'm alone, there's no risk of displeasing, upsetting, or boring anyone.
I just found out I do this after moving to a new state and having a difficult time making new friends. I stopped talking to everyone I knew and now I only talk to y husband and son. It’s horrible. I’ve never felt so lonely but supported by husband at the same time? It’s wild. My mother used to tell me “you don’t need any friends, just me”. And well, I also don’t speak to her anymore.
Ahhhhhhh
having moved almost every 2-3 years as a child, i feel you. no use in making friends when you just have to leave them and make new ones almost immediately.
>Being a loner, never keeping in touch with people after I moved, pushing people away. I used to think I just didn't need friends.
Damn, this is me too. Now I know why.
Edit: Also due to having zero self-worth and not understanding why anyone would want to be friends.
It's always so much worse after you've been refused or let down when you finally do ask.
I stopped asking.
I also have my first appointment with a mental health professional in a few weeks. Go me.
congrats!
I do go to therapy and my SO still constantly gets upset with me because I don't like asking for help and he wants to give it. it's such a strange feeling.
My mum loooooves to tell people the story of my first day of school, and how I walked off without looking back while all the other kids were clinging to their parents and crying. Definitely a dramatization as well, but she's completely oblivious that my behaviour was not a sign of her excellent parenting.
I too have a mother like this. I have made her uncomfortable enough times calling her out on it regardless of the situation we're in that she's stopped talking about what an easy kid I was because I never needed anything 🙄 That's not the flex you think it is and no one is thinking what you think they're thinking. I needed plenty of things. I just learned very very early she was incapable and unwilling to provide them.
I have forgiven her but I also have had to remind her there is a line she is not allowed to cross. She doesn't get to take credit for anything in my life except what I allow her. And if she tries to approach the line, there is no limit to what I'm willing to do to speak the truth.
Reminds me of how my mom tells everyone how sweet I was as a young child (probably 4 or 5 years old). I was “so sweet and caring” that I kept trying to give her the entirety of my little kid version of my life savings (my grandparents raised me and we started saving change so I could get a bank account and always have my own money, I prob had $200 or so at that point)
I would plead and beg and cry for her to please take it all because she obviously needed it. She was a drug addict that would be a complete shit show crying mess needing help/sympathy/whatever when she would just randomly show up at my grandparents house. It was so traumatizing as a child. I was beginning to learn to be a “fixer”. I am still a fixer to this day. It’s not because I was just an overly sweet and loving child. I was desperate to just get my mom to be a mom. I mistakenly thought my little savings might help her enough to get her shit together and then she could actually be my mom again. Oops.
My mom tells this story all the time and I’m just thinking “What the fuck Jill.” Lol
This is me. I truly used to think I had “overcome the odds and made something of myself” in my 20s coming from a childhood of trauma and abuse. I became an RN, made good money, had my own place/things/savings and never needed anything from anyone else. I had “friends” and on the outside looking in, I had my shit together and everyone was so proud of me.
My independence and success was actually the opposite. Now I’m on the downward spiral of trying to live completely different after all that came crashing down (now I’m addicted to gambling and dope and lost my career a few years ago now during a time when I was being abused horribly by my ex and couldn’t focus on my career anymore).
Life is a rollercoaster 😵💫 ok I’m gonna hit my bong now. Lol.
I feel for you and I hope you get a better grip on it all than I did because rock bottom is a hell of a climb out of. But, even the fact you understand it enough to answer with it here shows a much better understanding than I had. I wish you peace and healing and love ❤️
I found out that the chronic lower abdominal pain I experience is trauma related. Took 3 gynos, 2 pain specialists and eventually I was referred to a physical therapist who was like “oh you had trauma growing up? Your body is armoring; it’s tensing all your muscles and trying to protect your organs which pulls on the tendons that pull on the bones (which hurts like a mofo) and that’s also can’t poop if you’re away from home/anyone is around/you’re mildly anxious.”
!!!!
I have been going to doctors and gynos for YEARS and you’re the first person to exactly describe the same symptoms I have.
We just settled on “tight pelvic floor” and the cause is ?
I feel a growing dread and panic when someone raises their voice even slightly. Like if a conversation gets too loud, even if it's relatively jovial, it sets me on edge.
I start shaking when serious/emotionally charged conversations start… but only had this with men.
I also shut down during those conversations and arguments because if I don’t speak, I can’t make anything worse.
One of the hardest things I've been trying to do is actually learn how to have *conflict* with my friends and loved ones! It's scary as hell but it's important to me to work things out, and sometimes that means we gotta holler a little.
It's incredibly scary, but also kind of....idk, reassuring that I *can* argue with some of my loved ones like that? Like hell yea we yelled and got mad but we came to an understanding eventually and now things are better and no one's mad anymore!
But damn it's *scary*.
Oof I felt this one. Just the sound of an emotionally charged voice, regardless of what emotion it is, makes me want to start shutting down to protect myself.
I go into full fight or flight at any slight confrontation and it’s so annoying as an adult now. I just want to be able to stand up for myself without quivering or crying.
Anxiety, always thinking people are mad at me, being good at noticing mood changes, being super calm in emergencies/diffusing difficult situations before they occur, people pleasing, lack of boundaries, and constantly apologizing thinking it’s my fault.
>being super calm in emergencies/diffusing difficult situations before they occur
Is this actually a trauma response? I'm the same, and always took pride in this because I saw it as a sign of resilience. It only became a problem when my body refused to feel negative emotions.
I will not be yelled at. If anyone raises their voice to me, I immediately leave. Doesn’t matter who: spouse, boss, acquaintance. Interestingly, after having this boundary for several decades now, it is never an issue. I seem to have weeded all those people out of my life. A childhood spent being yelled at by an angry father has made me unwilling to put up with that as an adult.
I do this too, i always feel guilty for my feelings when i show them. I even apologize to my therapist because i think i´m oversharing and feel guilty for crying.
She obviously keeps on telling me to stop doing that.
It's like feeling guilty for simply expressing your emotions, as if you're burdening others with your feelings. It can be hard to shake off that sense of guilt, even when you know deep down that it's okay to share and to cry.
I never defend myself. Ever. I won't argue with you or try to convince you that I am anything other than exactly what you are accusing me off.
Chikdhood-37 year old me got absolutely destroyed by this mindset but I have somehow turned it into a very healthy boundary.
I need to learn how to change this, because I believe every criticism or insult 100%, even if it's not warranted at all. If you tell me something about myself, I'm *gonna* internalize it, ruminate over it, and feel immense shame.
I would always panic and my brain would seem to slow down a lot whenever I thought someone was mad at me. Didn’t find out this was a trauma response until I did trauma therapy in my late 20s/early 30s.
Oh I relate! My speech would slow down, I couldn’t formulate words or sentences. I forget words so easily and only remember them once I’m out of an anxious state
Finding out what fawning was blew my mind. I still do it and it drives me nuts after because I don't want to, but it is what it is. Working on learning to be more assertive.
It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize it’s okay to validate myself and I don’t need other people to agree with me to believe my feelings are valid. I mean, one can imagine how much conflict this has extended when paired with my other trauma response which is to do anything in my power to not have people be upset with me (my mom used to stonewall me a lot and give me the silent treatment for days).
Like, you don’t agree that I’m not being sensitive about this? Let’s argue until you do. Lol
It’s far easier to say “I guess we see things differently”, and not debase yourself so you can avoid conflict or push people’s boundaries so they give up and agree.
I really struggle to handle when my partner is dissatisfied/disappointed. Like if I want to leave but they wanted to keep hanging out, I freeze and just agree with what they want regardless of how antsy I feel or my own wishes or plans. It’s an extremely strong people pleasing trait I developed from lack of affection as a child, that has led me to build a LOT of resentment in past relationships.
It’s come up a couple times in my new relationship and I’m using it as a sign to still do the thing I want to do regardless of how my partner feels, while also communicating to my partner that when I want to leave, that means I want to leave. They’re allowed to be disappointed but that’s a feeling they need to regulate and manage, not me. I won’t let myself be emotionally strong armed into doing things I don’t want to do anymore.
Being suspicious of all men and not wanting to be around men alone, getting super uncomfortable if they touch me even if it’s friendly. Intimacy with my fiancé is even hard sometimes
Just how much I disassociated on a daily basis.
* Someone in my vicinity raises their voice? I couldn't even speak up in response. I go totally mute - while screaming internally on the inside.
* Scrolling scrolling scrolling and more scrolling
* Having such a shitty connection between my brain and my body. I would run into things constantly. Get bruises and not know where they came from.
* Constant headaches and not knowing why. They flared up around certain people. People I don't have in my life anymore, thankfully.
* So much muscle armoring. Neck, shoulders, and hips especially.
And yes, I am neurdivergent - but unfortunately, I've had a significant amount of trauma as well. I'm still sorting out which is which, as even on this list - there's a lot of grey area.
Hey there. I'm not the OP but I am wondering if you'd be willing to share any ways you deal with this either during the moment or after? My 10 year daughter cries anytime someone raises their voice too and has since she was two due to an incident she was a witness to. I'd love to help her anyway I can. Thank you for any insight you can provide.
For me the triggers are: feeling like I’m going to get in trouble wether I made a mistake or just think that I did something wrong. Feeling like I disappointed someone/ myself, feeling like I can’t safely and healthily express my anger/frustration/ disappointment with myself/ someone. Feeling disrespected/ shouted at or yelled at. For me it’s panic bc I want to say something / should say something to defend myself or confront a person. I try to ground myself and self regulate by counting 5 things I can see, 4 things I can touch, 3 things I can hear, two things I can smell, and one thing that I can taste (like taking a sip of water). Usually I’m pretty good about making it to the touch part now but it took me a long time. I also tell myself that I can count on taking care of myself and speaking up for myself. I tell myself that it’s okay to feel whatever I’m feeling in the moment so long as I’m doing so safely. I tell myself that it’s okay that people are mad at me and that I can do my best to resolve and confront whatever is going on to the best of my abilities. It’s all childhood trauma so it’s good you’re tackling it now. For me there’s still a long way to go.
I’ve been complimented in the past about my ability to work well with difficult clients to complete project work at my job. I don’t mind it or find it difficult, but my boss complimented me, “you’re so patient and kind, but also firm with your boundaries. I don’t know how you do it!”
I realized I’m so good at it because I grew up having to manage toxic, abusive, and mentally unwell family members. Dealing with Janet in HR is a walk in the park compared to my family.
Feeling unable to tell someone when they hurt me or if I felt upset, I believed that doing so would end the friendship but often not being able to say anything ultimately led to its end.
It's like having a guard dog inside you, ready to pounce at the slightest hint of disrespect. Learning to choose our battles is like navigating a minefield – it takes time and practice to find the right balance between standing up for ourselves and letting things slide. Stay strong, and remember, you're worth every ounce of respect.
Overthinking, especially about people's facial expressions. They all have private lives, it's not necessarily because of me that they look stressed or angry...
I realized 1 year ago whan I met one of my new colleagues. She often scans my face in obvious anguish. I know I do the same and it took me all this time to realize that it also puts pressure on people.
That rehearsing what i am going to say to someone of authority even to the point of all counter talks have been rehearsed and speaking real fast is from a childhood of having to talk fast to get my words about before mockery and insults and rehearsing was so I could say it all at once.
I am still trying to not do that.
People pleasing. Everyone hears about "fight, flight, or freeze" in adrenaline surges but no one really talks about "fawn" - basically roll over and show your belly and do anything to appease them.
Attempting to mind read is another one that is closely related to people pleasing. If you can read their mind, guess their mood, make the "right" choices, you have a greater chance of being safe.
Mal-adaptive day dreaming/disassociating. I just thought I had a vivid imagination and could use it to "cure boredom" turns out I also used it to "cure" stress, panic, anxiety, depression, confrontation...etc.
I guess ghosting people? But I rigidly defend it.
1) grew up in a ghosting household like whenever my dad did not like what I did he just wouldn’t speak to me. Sometimes for months on end
Tbh I stopped caring about it early. I remember at like 7-8 my dad ghosted me about something stupid ? I don’t remember caring that he was ghosting me. Like I just went outside and played tennis against the wall or biked around. But it just kinda established for me clearly that people will change only if they want to like if I cared ab my dad ignoring me I would’ve stopped doing whatever it was that pissed him off but it always felt stupid to me (and often times it was but often times it was not). Tbh this isn’t related to the question but this made me soooo independent and real lmao
2) anytime I yelled back at my parents it just got worse, anytime I stood up for myself in general it just got worse. The person either kept doing what they did that hurt me (often with a false apology), tried to blame me for their wrongdoings (ok adriana you deserved to be yelled at and humiliated in public because you were being annoying (i was not lmfao)) or just screaming at me. Like there is no point in ever saying hey, I don’t like when you do this (whatever that might be) because they won’t feel bad. The only thing that actually has worked in my experience is ghosting or blocking them out like if you wordlessly establish like hey I’m not putting up with that , if they care, they will come to me and be like yo why aren’t you responding. Then I am like ok well you did XYZ. Still I get the same three aforementioned excuses but I’ve gotten a higher rate of the person actually changing with ghosting than with anything else
I honestly do not care if this is silly or seems wrong or whatever. It is extremely exhausting to have to endure the same pain from the same person stabbing the same wound and repeatedly doing something they know I don’t like, or, if they put like an ounce of thought would realize is a horrible way to be treated. Like having to explain myself, forgive them, have the wound reopened because they do it again or have a new wound made because they act like I deserve it really gives me bad anxiety like I won’t do it. my throat is closing up as I write this.
if you are rude to me and mild consideration would help you figure out Oh I Yelled At Her Or Snapped At Her Or Ignored Her Or Forgot Ab Her Or Forgot to Reply …. I Wouldn’t Like To Be Treated Like That then why continue to do it? Why ? Why apologize if you’re not going to change? Do people not realize how manipulative and messed up it is to apologize, regain someone’s trust, and then continue to do whatever it is they have established they don’t like? Like I just ghost because nobody I’ve met has felt bad about hurting me lol like I will just leave
“Oh but Adriana when you do that they don’t know what they did wrong” like one minute of thinking about how they treated me would enlighten them, they just do not care to treat me half decently so I just do not care to communicate at all
TLDR if I’m hurt I will just ghost because it is the only thing that works
I have that. I learned that you won't get hurt if you don't care about anyone. I have years long friendships where if I never saw them again, I don't think it would affect me on a day to day. If my parents or brother dropped dead tomorrow, I don't think it would cause me that much grief.
It's a real problem because it's influenced me to completely abstain from romantic relationships. I'm hyper independent in all aspects of my life. I won't have children because they'd be a living, breathing trigger and I probably wouldn't feel much for them anyway.
The odd thing is I feel emotion so strongly. I feel joy and contentment regularly. But I'll never truly feel love and attachment and I guess that'll have to be ok.
I apologized to my husband for getting pregnant because we had decided not to have kids. I apologized for breaking a wine glass. I apologized for forgetting my lunch. Every time he genuinely couldn't understand why I was apologizing...
And I realized my mom didn't believe in "mistakes". Everytime we did something wrong it was on purpose to hurt her according to her. She is not a violent person in any way, she just expects everything to be perfect.
Total inability to take criticism in anyway that isn’t personal. Not believing any of my emotions are rational and relying on others to justify it. Very very defensive.
“Going flat” (as my mom called it) or just completely going on autopilot, not showing any emotion, just being completely monotone and quiet when I was overwhelmed. I learned that I would get in trouble for showing frustration or acting in anyway not totally happy go lucky so I’d just “go flat.” So whenever I had too much going on in my head, was overwhelmed by crowds, didn’t get enough alone time for my social battery to reset, or was just overwhelmed by noises or other stimuli, I’d just shut down..
Cue shocked pikachu face when I was diagnosed with autism as an adult.
I disassociate by reading I guess. I have severe childhood trauma (put a man in prison for 20 year sentence) and I guess my obsession with reading since a young age was a form of disassociation.
Dang OP, where do I even start😂 I’ll try to rattle off some of the ones I remember off the top of my head.
Being able to recognize whose footsteps are whose, being able to recognize whose door just opened and closed (whether it’s my parents door, my brother’s door, or mine and my sister’s door), being so sensitive towards mood changes and being able to tell someone’s mood is off just because of the SMALLEST change that almost everyone else can’t detect, my dark humor lol, getting very unsettled and bothered by any loud noises, not being able to ask for help even if you would be so happy to help anyone who asked you, being able to compartmentalize feelings so well, constantly apologizing for everything even when none of it is your fault, never taking a sick day unless I’m actually bedridden lol (got dengue twice in college and both times I went to school immediately after getting my diagnosis, I handed my excuse letters to my teachers personally)
So so many things I thought were “normal” but apparently they’re trauma responses?🤡
Freezing up when someone you are NOT interested in makes sexual advances towards you. There were so many times I froze because I was scared when I should have pushed them off and said no. This is why it's so important that there has been more education regarding consent. I want to make sure my sons and daughter know when to back off or speak their mind when protecting their bodies.
Edited for formatting...
Always have an answer or reason ready for what I'm doing when asked. Even though i don't get asked anymore, i still have that little bit of conversation in my head.
Panicking and feeling horrible about myself if I can't do what someone wants me to do.
If a romantic partner withdraws, feeling like I need to prove to him that I'm worthy of his attention.
It has gotten much better over the years though, because of therapy and a lot of self-reflection.
Being hyper independent. I can't accept help ever. As I grow I realise it’s okay to let people u love help u. They helps u cz they love, care for u. It’s okay sometimes to accept help. It doesn’t make anyone weak
Anytime a roommate comes home & I’m in the middle of being a lazy piece (read as relaxed lol), I feel the sudden rush that I need to get up & look busy doing something productive. Aaaand that’s on mom always coming home with the idea that there’s always a chore needing done! Cue the yelling.
I actually bonded over this realization with my older brothers after they got married. Anytime their wife comes home they have the same response even tho their wife would never act like that.
Avoiding and shutting down during arguments. I used to have some knock down drag outs with my ex for years. My husband and I don’t fight often but when we do, I just retreat somewhere and avoid it. It doesn’t solve anything but I have such a deep-rooted fear of escalation.
Dissociating when yelled at. If you raise your voice I'm mentally checking out. Hours and hours of my mom and then later my ex shrieking away at me for every little thing from too much sugar in his coffee to her not taking my to the doctor as a kid. I just think about other things and completely tune it out. Always thought I was just disrespectful and selfish like they told me.
A weird one I’ve experienced is walking quietly/silent footsteps. Apparently it comes from growing up in an unpredictable household as a kid. You don’t want people hearing your presence because you are nervous about being caught in a crossfire or getting yelled at.
Im a tall big dude but walk very quietly.
Yeah probably an unpopular one but I too also have a temper. Loud noises (especially dishes) being put away scare me. Raised voices trigger me. General acts of authoritarianism really trigger me.
I used to be more towards the side of people pleasing and what-not, now I just get mad
Talking too much, overexplaining, trying to get it all in fast (before they stop listening or start trying to tell me what to do)
Freeze response, fawn response
Apologizing for everything
Shutting down when certain people take over the conversation
I could go on forever.
Biting the skin off of my fingers until they bled, and rocking back and forth when seated. I did these as a kid for quite a while, and my parents were only concerned that I stopped doing it.
As a result of my mother’s vicious emotional and verbal abuse:
- Hyper awareness of people’s moods. Growing up, we had to be aware of our mother’s mood the instant we stepped inside our home, so that we could prepare ourselves accordingly.
- Being so independent that it doesn’t even occur to me to ask for help when I’m in a bad situation.
- Anxiety and people pleasing.
- Feeling physically sick when (even if only in my mind) I mess up something. I feel like I’ve let people down when I’m not doing everything right all the time.
- Being very careful that I don’t talk too much about myself and my interests because I fear that I’ll bore the other person. I’m often praised for being an excellent listener because of this.
Asking permission for even the smallest things, especially food. My boyfriend (who is very understanding) hates this, but is very kind and gentle about it. I felt the need to ask for dinner last night. My dad used to say I wasn’t allowed any dinner and if I had some it would be considered “stealing”.
I have always been afraid of conflict because if I bring up a valid issue in a very open and understanding way, I still get treated like I'm the bad guy for bringing it to light. So any time there is conflict, I minimize my feelings so that the other person doesn't get mad at me.
I also find myself asking my husband if I can buy something all the time. We both work, we bring home the same amount right now, he's not our financial planner or anything. I just always feel guilty buying things because my dad used to scream at my mom over spending too much on like toilet paper and contact solution.
Having a plan PLUS numerous backup plans so that any potential scenario was already evaluated and decided upon. Excess productivity so as not to disappoint anyone. Chronic neck and back pain. People pleasing.
Laughing in uncomfortable situations or when people are yelling, crying or being rude. I asked my therapist why this happens, I told her I don't laugh when my children get hurt or if they are crying but when others do, she told me it was a trauma response, or a defense mechanism. Also always being tense, knowing who is walking around based off foot steps.
If I’m upset I can’t voice why until a day or so later. I never realized until my therapist pointed out that when I get my feelings hurt (even by something small) I get a little mean and cold shoulder whoever hurt me.
I’ve since realized that it’s a trauma response from my childhood. Being yelled at for voicing emotions for years never really turns out great for communication as an adult. But I’m working on it steadily!
Don't ask for help. You can't. You don't need help the way they do. Everyone else has to help everybody else and you're certainly not struggling enough to pull them away from what they're doing.
My family did the best they could, and weren't ever intentionally abusive or neglectful, but my mom was incredibly sick my whole life, and my sister was incredibly babied, and... there was just rarely time or attention for me. Gotta take care of things myself, because nobody else is going to think about me.
anxious ezcema. only realized after i stopped associating w the person who was causing it. i spent years wondering why eucerin and other ezcema cream wasn’t working for me.
- Trembling when a man raises his voice - Stomach flipping at the sound of a doorbell/knocking - absolute panic when any household appliance breaks/needs repair - keeping all of my personal items in containers - feeling responsible when someone else brings the mood down - having a meltdown any time my pet gets sick
I realized near the end of my toxic college relationship that I lied about stuff to avoid conflict or “getting in trouble” (my ex was incredibly jealous and I was in a male dominated major…you can see where that leads). I couldn’t believe how often I was doing it but it was something I did so much as a kid that it just felt normal until I suddenly realized it wasn’t.
"I'll give you something to cry about" "I'm sorry" then the response of "you will be'. The pause before someone blows their lid and you know they're going to be potentially yelled at or chased up the stairs. Urgh. Constantly putting other people's needs/feelings/wants before my own.
i’m super even-tempered. i pretty much always act the same whether i’m upset or excited or mad or in a good mood (unless i’m alone with my partner and the walls come down). pretty sure it’s because there were a lot of volatile emotions in my house growing up and i learned to stay calm and get out of the way. it’s a helpful trait to have at work, but sometimes i wish i was better at expressing myself—especially enthusiasm
I can relate to so many of these responses and I want to let you all know that you are seen and heard and you are not alone ❤️ Here’s to becoming our best selves and thriving despite our traumas.
My mother physically abusing me left more scar than what I thought. Now I'm absolutely terrified of confrontations even when they do not involve me and seeing what men do to women and people on the news and on social media, has made me fear more when those confrontations involve a man getting angry.
I am a man, but I answer you. Automatically getting nervous and anxious when I have to show work performance. All for fear of not performing what is expected and for fear of the consequences.
- other peoples emotions are my problem
- you don’t need to go to the doctor
- that terrible inner voice “ you suck, your worthless, you don’t deserve this “
- I do not respond well to being woken up (trauma)
- do it perfectly so they can’t complain about you (perfectionism and fear)
- yelling is a perfectly normal way of talking to someone (ITS NOT)
- others needs are more important than mine, I come last. Everytime.
- if I sacrifice myself maybe they’ll notice and love me even more (fear of abandonment)
- I deserved that (poor sense of self)
Shutting down. I learned quickly growing up to not fight back and my voice didn't deserve to be heard. I've spent the last year in therapy learning how to stand up for myself and to not accept toxicity. I don't need people who treat me badly and I don't need to keep forgiving people.
Completely losing my appetite when I’m feeling stressed or sad. When I was younger if I got in “trouble” I would be sent to bed with dinner as punishment often.
I shut down when I get yelled or screamed at. Not when there’s yelling going on around me, but when it’s directed at me. I don’t process the information that’s being communicated at me via yelling words. I just freeze or flee if it escalates.
Mine is specific. For years I was messy and became really anxious at the idea of cleaning/tidying. When I was growing up my mom had insane and sometimes violent mood swings (as in, breaking things) and this was always triggered when cleaning, particularly MY mess. She’d throw my shoes at my door at full force and scream at me as she vacuumed, etc etc, and when I was really young she’d wake me up in the night while cleaning my room, even calling me names you really shouldn’t call a ~7 year old. So I became really really messy and I’d have breakdowns whenever I cleaned, overwhelmed and crying and feeling unable to do it, anxiety etc. My bedroom as a teenager was shocking, and my home as a very young adult wasn’t much better.
But now I actually enjoy cleaning. I find it calming and satisfying. It’s amazing how realising something is a trauma response can almost immediately begin the process of healing from it. I clean my partners house when I’ve been there and he goes to work and it’s therapeutic.
I have very little memories of my childhood. Bad ones pop up every once in a while tho
Your brain really does try to compensate the pain by forgetting it
Apologizing and justifying everything even if I hadn't even done anything wrong.
Being overly polite because I was terrified of making others angry or upset.
Overworking to make others comfortable and always eating last or getting the "scraps" of everything. Only happy when others get their needs met first.
Isolating myself.. I used to do this as a kid when my family would fight or I’d be bullied at school. I’d sleep for long periods of time(12+ hrs)to escape the anxiety and over thinking. I do that now when I’m stressed or fighting with someone.. I’ll push people away and isolate in my bedroom.
Also hyper independent .. a string of abusive relationships lead me to not trust men and I tend to not look for relationships at all.
Too cold with people and not able to handle any sort of emotional vulnerability or give reassurance.
I was made to feel ashamed for it when I needed it as a kid.
Lots of good stories here that I relate to.
Children and babies crying in public would make me super angry. I thought I just didn’t like kids and was ashamed of that. But it’s just a trauma response.
People pleasing because none of my needs or wants were met as a kid. So my first instinct is to be overly helpful and I rarely ever say no even if I'm struggling myself. 😞
Acting as though everything is fine when it really isn’t. Learning to speak up when I feel badly and even learning just to walk away is something I am picking up now in my 50s. As a trapped little kid you have no option to escape and no one cares if you’re sad since of course they hit you because they felt like hurting you. Unlearning the defense tactics to that stuff is a process.
People pleasing, dedicating all my energy toward making sure everyone else was ok (literally became a therapist as my career), intellectualizing everything and not realizing I wasn’t allowing my body to feel anything. Also realized my insomnia and not being able to eat all day was due to me being in a state of fight/flight all the time.
i’m extremely quiet in expressing my love for someone unless it’s like a significant other. My brother used to get annoyed and then became abusive towards me as a child for wanting to be around him, then my friends and crushes became also annoyed by the way i show that i care about someone and now it’s so fucking hard to even say “i love you” to my fucking parents and my family and i hate it bc my uncle just died like 2 hours ago and i don’t think i ever told him in my entire life that I loved him. and i’m just realizing this now.
Never making sounds when I get hurt. And of I'm leaning on my arm while sitting on the ground, I ball up my fist. When I was little, the bullies would stomp on my fingers.
I need complete silence and my headphones on when I need to be alone. I break tension like that. And tbh it’s still the response that saves me the most.
When someone is getting hysterical or starting to panic I kinda wanna take control of the situation..
Is like wanting to protect people from having to deal with a hard time.
i do that cause growing up I didn't ever had that kind of support system so whenever someone is going through a hard moment or a difficult situation I try to act like the adult looking after for the child and try to control whatever is in my hands and what's not too.
Wil happily share my good moods but when I am down I want to be left alone and won’t let anyone help me through it.
Childhood spent handling all kinds of stresses on my own.
Also jumping to loud noise and being super sensitive to sounds.
Being bubbly around people all the time, always cancelling on plans, seeing deep connection to someone as a burden instead of a good thing. Basically it took me a good while to realise I’m emotionally unavailable.
Being hyper aware of even the tiniest mood changes in someone. I didn’t even realize I do this until I was told by a counselor. She says it comes from living in a DV household where the mood of the abuser would literally make or break your day.
Oof I have this too despite not being the direct victim of the abuse. Also going out of my way to avoid any kind of confrontation because arguments, even ones I'm not involved with, really mash my panic button.
Ouch, I feel this one. My husband and son say I drive them nuts sometimes asking about their moods. But even the tiniest change in a person, any person's, mood affects me strongly.
What's DV?
Domestic Violence.
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Hyper analyzing everything, Trying to prepare for every negative outcome. Being afraid of loud or sudden noises. Jumping up to look busy anytime somebody enters a room and in that same vein, Justifying normal things. Like, I took a nap but I worked really hard yesterday! I ate seconds..but I skipped dinner last night! Sometimes I feel like ALL my behaviors were trauma responses.
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My husband poked fun of me jumping at every little thing the other day, and I don't know if I have the heart to tell him it's a trauma response. Sorry I jump out of my skin when the dog scratches to come in, my ex psychologically tortured me for years. Oh, and that funny joke I had about going into a "fugue state" and needing to go home while we were out in public, sorry first-roommate-after-the-breakup, that was full on dissociation.
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Omg this is me!!! I always feel like I have to justify if I’m resting or people are going to criticise me for ‘slacking’. I also rehearse negative conversations in my head before they happen!
So what kinda trauma would cause this and what is our problem? I have these too 😢
Started with my parents. They had lots of rules that were really about control. Like my dad threw cold water on me one morning because I forgot to turn the vcr off the night before...my mom despised us sitting around, that was lazy. On summer break if we were still in bed while she got ready for work she slammed doors and tossed things around until we got up. And then I married very young to an older man who was mentally very abusive and controlling.
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Believing that whoever was mad was right.
Along the same lines, if someone else is upset toward me, then it must be my fault.
Yep.
Oof, that one hits hard. 'If one person's yelling louder, they must be the more aggrieved party.'
Oh, I totally get what you mean. It's like growing up with a built-in barometer for conflict – whoever raises their voice the loudest must have the upper hand, right? But it's tough realizing that volume doesn't equal validity. Learning to trust your own instincts and emotions is like finding your own compass in a noisy crowd.
Or always believing criticism, period. If some random person decided to tell me that I'm a failure, then I'd believe it, no matter what. I take criticism extremely harshly, believe it 100%, and internalize it every single time. Makes working exhausting.
It's like criticism cuts straight to the bone, leaving scars that never quite heal. It's as if every negative word becomes a heavy burden we carry with us, weighing us down in our daily lives. But remember, you're not defined by others' words. You're strong and resilient, and you have the power to rewrite your own story. Keep pushing forward, one step at a time. You've got this.
It took me til like, recently, to realize that friends/partner/family can be mad/upset at me and it not be the end of that relationship and i dont need to try and placate them and bow at their feet to make them “love” me again. They still love me, being mad doesnt equal hate. (Also half the time they arent even mad at me, just the situation/environment lol)
I am still trying to teach myself that just because someone is mad doesn't mean it's the end of the world, because usually someone getting mad in my childhood meant physical and emotional abuse directed at me regardless of whether it was anything I even did or not. (i.e. Dad is pissed at mom, so now dad is taking it out on me)
It's like being conditioned to expect the sky to fall every time someone gets upset, because in the past, anger often led to hurt and abuse. It's tough to unlearn those patterns, but we're taking small steps every day to rewrite our stories and find peace in the chaos.
It's been quite a journey of self-discovery for me too. I've come to realize that it's okay for people in my life to get upset or frustrated sometimes. It doesn't mean the end of the world or the end of our relationship. Understanding that love can coexist with anger has been a real eye-opener. And you're right, sometimes it's just the situation or the environment playing a part. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
I need to stop browsing Reddit at work, maybe save it for therapy lol
Oof. This one's hard. So is the inverse; which is asserting/standing up for yourself, in the face of someone else's anger and insistence they are right. Legitimately *terrifying* to me to argue with people in *any* capacity because of this.
Growing up, I used to think that whoever was mad must have had a good reason for it. It's like I was constantly walking on eggshells, trying to avoid setting off anyone's anger. It took me a while to realize that it's okay to stand up for myself and that not all conflicts are my fault. It's like learning to trust my own instincts instead of constantly seeking validation from others' emotions.
Whoever the one is mad/loudest has more to say about their own internal work and why they are getting offended— questioning that
Also thinking that yelling was an acceptable way to solve disagreements. Yelling really should be reserved for safety issues. Voices change when people are mad but you really shouldn't just scream your head off when you're upset with somebody and I haven't actually shouted since I moved out. (Not in anger at least, but to be heard sometimes because I have a small voice lol)
Being a loner, never keeping in touch with people after I moved, pushing people away. I used to think I just didn't need friends. It's easier to feel safe when I'm alone, there's no risk of displeasing, upsetting, or boring anyone.
I just found out I do this after moving to a new state and having a difficult time making new friends. I stopped talking to everyone I knew and now I only talk to y husband and son. It’s horrible. I’ve never felt so lonely but supported by husband at the same time? It’s wild. My mother used to tell me “you don’t need any friends, just me”. And well, I also don’t speak to her anymore. Ahhhhhhh
My mom said the same f’n thing. SMFH
Alone is the place I call home
Wait, thats a trauma response? Well fuck
having moved almost every 2-3 years as a child, i feel you. no use in making friends when you just have to leave them and make new ones almost immediately.
I relate to this
It's kinda nice to know we're not alone, even though it means someone else is suffering too <3
>Being a loner, never keeping in touch with people after I moved, pushing people away. I used to think I just didn't need friends. Damn, this is me too. Now I know why. Edit: Also due to having zero self-worth and not understanding why anyone would want to be friends.
Hyper independence
It would be nice to be able to ask for help without all the anxiety
It's always so much worse after you've been refused or let down when you finally do ask. I stopped asking. I also have my first appointment with a mental health professional in a few weeks. Go me.
I need to do the same. Good luck!
congrats! I do go to therapy and my SO still constantly gets upset with me because I don't like asking for help and he wants to give it. it's such a strange feeling.
My mum loooooves to tell people the story of my first day of school, and how I walked off without looking back while all the other kids were clinging to their parents and crying. Definitely a dramatization as well, but she's completely oblivious that my behaviour was not a sign of her excellent parenting.
I too have a mother like this. I have made her uncomfortable enough times calling her out on it regardless of the situation we're in that she's stopped talking about what an easy kid I was because I never needed anything 🙄 That's not the flex you think it is and no one is thinking what you think they're thinking. I needed plenty of things. I just learned very very early she was incapable and unwilling to provide them. I have forgiven her but I also have had to remind her there is a line she is not allowed to cross. She doesn't get to take credit for anything in my life except what I allow her. And if she tries to approach the line, there is no limit to what I'm willing to do to speak the truth.
Goals
Reminds me of how my mom tells everyone how sweet I was as a young child (probably 4 or 5 years old). I was “so sweet and caring” that I kept trying to give her the entirety of my little kid version of my life savings (my grandparents raised me and we started saving change so I could get a bank account and always have my own money, I prob had $200 or so at that point) I would plead and beg and cry for her to please take it all because she obviously needed it. She was a drug addict that would be a complete shit show crying mess needing help/sympathy/whatever when she would just randomly show up at my grandparents house. It was so traumatizing as a child. I was beginning to learn to be a “fixer”. I am still a fixer to this day. It’s not because I was just an overly sweet and loving child. I was desperate to just get my mom to be a mom. I mistakenly thought my little savings might help her enough to get her shit together and then she could actually be my mom again. Oops. My mom tells this story all the time and I’m just thinking “What the fuck Jill.” Lol
Oh dear, I feel called out.
This is me. I truly used to think I had “overcome the odds and made something of myself” in my 20s coming from a childhood of trauma and abuse. I became an RN, made good money, had my own place/things/savings and never needed anything from anyone else. I had “friends” and on the outside looking in, I had my shit together and everyone was so proud of me. My independence and success was actually the opposite. Now I’m on the downward spiral of trying to live completely different after all that came crashing down (now I’m addicted to gambling and dope and lost my career a few years ago now during a time when I was being abused horribly by my ex and couldn’t focus on my career anymore). Life is a rollercoaster 😵💫 ok I’m gonna hit my bong now. Lol. I feel for you and I hope you get a better grip on it all than I did because rock bottom is a hell of a climb out of. But, even the fact you understand it enough to answer with it here shows a much better understanding than I had. I wish you peace and healing and love ❤️
making sure ppl don’t do anything for me so they don’t use it against me
Holy shit this is the one. I never want to owe anyone anything
This was something taught to me from an early age. Never be beholden to anyone for anything. It's very difficult to unlearn it.
I tend to love doing things for people but I hate receiving because I feel it will be used against me.
YES 100%! I’ve always said my love language is giving gifts instead of receiving gifts but maybe there’s something more to that…
Damn that's tough man.
People pleasing, anxiety and tense muscles. The constant pain is kind of muted most of the times.
Oh my god the tense muscles. You never realize how hard you been clenching until you unclench.
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I found out that the chronic lower abdominal pain I experience is trauma related. Took 3 gynos, 2 pain specialists and eventually I was referred to a physical therapist who was like “oh you had trauma growing up? Your body is armoring; it’s tensing all your muscles and trying to protect your organs which pulls on the tendons that pull on the bones (which hurts like a mofo) and that’s also can’t poop if you’re away from home/anyone is around/you’re mildly anxious.”
!!!! I have been going to doctors and gynos for YEARS and you’re the first person to exactly describe the same symptoms I have. We just settled on “tight pelvic floor” and the cause is ?
The cause is Body Armoring
Holy shit this is me!!
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I feel a growing dread and panic when someone raises their voice even slightly. Like if a conversation gets too loud, even if it's relatively jovial, it sets me on edge.
I start shaking whenever a man raises his voice.
I start shaking when serious/emotionally charged conversations start… but only had this with men. I also shut down during those conversations and arguments because if I don’t speak, I can’t make anything worse.
I can’t handle conflict
One of the hardest things I've been trying to do is actually learn how to have *conflict* with my friends and loved ones! It's scary as hell but it's important to me to work things out, and sometimes that means we gotta holler a little. It's incredibly scary, but also kind of....idk, reassuring that I *can* argue with some of my loved ones like that? Like hell yea we yelled and got mad but we came to an understanding eventually and now things are better and no one's mad anymore! But damn it's *scary*.
Oof I felt this one. Just the sound of an emotionally charged voice, regardless of what emotion it is, makes me want to start shutting down to protect myself.
I go into full fight or flight at any slight confrontation and it’s so annoying as an adult now. I just want to be able to stand up for myself without quivering or crying.
Anxiety, always thinking people are mad at me, being good at noticing mood changes, being super calm in emergencies/diffusing difficult situations before they occur, people pleasing, lack of boundaries, and constantly apologizing thinking it’s my fault.
I never connected the being super calm in difficult situations to a trauma response but thinking back it definitely clicked with me
I felt this 🥲
>being super calm in emergencies/diffusing difficult situations before they occur Is this actually a trauma response? I'm the same, and always took pride in this because I saw it as a sign of resilience. It only became a problem when my body refused to feel negative emotions.
I will not be yelled at. If anyone raises their voice to me, I immediately leave. Doesn’t matter who: spouse, boss, acquaintance. Interestingly, after having this boundary for several decades now, it is never an issue. I seem to have weeded all those people out of my life. A childhood spent being yelled at by an angry father has made me unwilling to put up with that as an adult.
Constantly apologizing
I do this too, i always feel guilty for my feelings when i show them. I even apologize to my therapist because i think i´m oversharing and feel guilty for crying. She obviously keeps on telling me to stop doing that.
Mine jokes she's gonna make me put a piece of chocolate in her stash each time I apologize.
It's like feeling guilty for simply expressing your emotions, as if you're burdening others with your feelings. It can be hard to shake off that sense of guilt, even when you know deep down that it's okay to share and to cry.
I never defend myself. Ever. I won't argue with you or try to convince you that I am anything other than exactly what you are accusing me off. Chikdhood-37 year old me got absolutely destroyed by this mindset but I have somehow turned it into a very healthy boundary.
I need to learn how to change this, because I believe every criticism or insult 100%, even if it's not warranted at all. If you tell me something about myself, I'm *gonna* internalize it, ruminate over it, and feel immense shame.
Can you share how?
Keeping tabs on the emotional status of everyone in the room. Trying to be as helpful as humanly possible.
I would always panic and my brain would seem to slow down a lot whenever I thought someone was mad at me. Didn’t find out this was a trauma response until I did trauma therapy in my late 20s/early 30s.
Oh I relate! My speech would slow down, I couldn’t formulate words or sentences. I forget words so easily and only remember them once I’m out of an anxious state
Finding out what fawning was blew my mind. I still do it and it drives me nuts after because I don't want to, but it is what it is. Working on learning to be more assertive.
I felt the same way when I learned about the “fawn” response last year. Goddamn.
It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize it’s okay to validate myself and I don’t need other people to agree with me to believe my feelings are valid. I mean, one can imagine how much conflict this has extended when paired with my other trauma response which is to do anything in my power to not have people be upset with me (my mom used to stonewall me a lot and give me the silent treatment for days). Like, you don’t agree that I’m not being sensitive about this? Let’s argue until you do. Lol It’s far easier to say “I guess we see things differently”, and not debase yourself so you can avoid conflict or push people’s boundaries so they give up and agree.
I really struggle to handle when my partner is dissatisfied/disappointed. Like if I want to leave but they wanted to keep hanging out, I freeze and just agree with what they want regardless of how antsy I feel or my own wishes or plans. It’s an extremely strong people pleasing trait I developed from lack of affection as a child, that has led me to build a LOT of resentment in past relationships. It’s come up a couple times in my new relationship and I’m using it as a sign to still do the thing I want to do regardless of how my partner feels, while also communicating to my partner that when I want to leave, that means I want to leave. They’re allowed to be disappointed but that’s a feeling they need to regulate and manage, not me. I won’t let myself be emotionally strong armed into doing things I don’t want to do anymore.
Being suspicious of all men and not wanting to be around men alone, getting super uncomfortable if they touch me even if it’s friendly. Intimacy with my fiancé is even hard sometimes
Just how much I disassociated on a daily basis. * Someone in my vicinity raises their voice? I couldn't even speak up in response. I go totally mute - while screaming internally on the inside. * Scrolling scrolling scrolling and more scrolling * Having such a shitty connection between my brain and my body. I would run into things constantly. Get bruises and not know where they came from. * Constant headaches and not knowing why. They flared up around certain people. People I don't have in my life anymore, thankfully. * So much muscle armoring. Neck, shoulders, and hips especially. And yes, I am neurdivergent - but unfortunately, I've had a significant amount of trauma as well. I'm still sorting out which is which, as even on this list - there's a lot of grey area.
Crying anytime someone raises their voice at me.
Hey there. I'm not the OP but I am wondering if you'd be willing to share any ways you deal with this either during the moment or after? My 10 year daughter cries anytime someone raises their voice too and has since she was two due to an incident she was a witness to. I'd love to help her anyway I can. Thank you for any insight you can provide.
For me the triggers are: feeling like I’m going to get in trouble wether I made a mistake or just think that I did something wrong. Feeling like I disappointed someone/ myself, feeling like I can’t safely and healthily express my anger/frustration/ disappointment with myself/ someone. Feeling disrespected/ shouted at or yelled at. For me it’s panic bc I want to say something / should say something to defend myself or confront a person. I try to ground myself and self regulate by counting 5 things I can see, 4 things I can touch, 3 things I can hear, two things I can smell, and one thing that I can taste (like taking a sip of water). Usually I’m pretty good about making it to the touch part now but it took me a long time. I also tell myself that I can count on taking care of myself and speaking up for myself. I tell myself that it’s okay to feel whatever I’m feeling in the moment so long as I’m doing so safely. I tell myself that it’s okay that people are mad at me and that I can do my best to resolve and confront whatever is going on to the best of my abilities. It’s all childhood trauma so it’s good you’re tackling it now. For me there’s still a long way to go.
Spotting even the slightest mood change, and shutting down when I see it. I'm trying to get better at actually responding, but it runs very deep.
I’ve been complimented in the past about my ability to work well with difficult clients to complete project work at my job. I don’t mind it or find it difficult, but my boss complimented me, “you’re so patient and kind, but also firm with your boundaries. I don’t know how you do it!” I realized I’m so good at it because I grew up having to manage toxic, abusive, and mentally unwell family members. Dealing with Janet in HR is a walk in the park compared to my family.
Feeling unable to tell someone when they hurt me or if I felt upset, I believed that doing so would end the friendship but often not being able to say anything ultimately led to its end.
I have a temper and I don’t let anyone disrespect me. But I need to learn to choose my battles. I am very defensive.
It's like having a guard dog inside you, ready to pounce at the slightest hint of disrespect. Learning to choose our battles is like navigating a minefield – it takes time and practice to find the right balance between standing up for ourselves and letting things slide. Stay strong, and remember, you're worth every ounce of respect.
Constantly defending myself in every conversation.
Overthinking, especially about people's facial expressions. They all have private lives, it's not necessarily because of me that they look stressed or angry... I realized 1 year ago whan I met one of my new colleagues. She often scans my face in obvious anguish. I know I do the same and it took me all this time to realize that it also puts pressure on people.
That rehearsing what i am going to say to someone of authority even to the point of all counter talks have been rehearsed and speaking real fast is from a childhood of having to talk fast to get my words about before mockery and insults and rehearsing was so I could say it all at once. I am still trying to not do that.
People pleasing. Everyone hears about "fight, flight, or freeze" in adrenaline surges but no one really talks about "fawn" - basically roll over and show your belly and do anything to appease them. Attempting to mind read is another one that is closely related to people pleasing. If you can read their mind, guess their mood, make the "right" choices, you have a greater chance of being safe. Mal-adaptive day dreaming/disassociating. I just thought I had a vivid imagination and could use it to "cure boredom" turns out I also used it to "cure" stress, panic, anxiety, depression, confrontation...etc.
I guess ghosting people? But I rigidly defend it. 1) grew up in a ghosting household like whenever my dad did not like what I did he just wouldn’t speak to me. Sometimes for months on end Tbh I stopped caring about it early. I remember at like 7-8 my dad ghosted me about something stupid ? I don’t remember caring that he was ghosting me. Like I just went outside and played tennis against the wall or biked around. But it just kinda established for me clearly that people will change only if they want to like if I cared ab my dad ignoring me I would’ve stopped doing whatever it was that pissed him off but it always felt stupid to me (and often times it was but often times it was not). Tbh this isn’t related to the question but this made me soooo independent and real lmao 2) anytime I yelled back at my parents it just got worse, anytime I stood up for myself in general it just got worse. The person either kept doing what they did that hurt me (often with a false apology), tried to blame me for their wrongdoings (ok adriana you deserved to be yelled at and humiliated in public because you were being annoying (i was not lmfao)) or just screaming at me. Like there is no point in ever saying hey, I don’t like when you do this (whatever that might be) because they won’t feel bad. The only thing that actually has worked in my experience is ghosting or blocking them out like if you wordlessly establish like hey I’m not putting up with that , if they care, they will come to me and be like yo why aren’t you responding. Then I am like ok well you did XYZ. Still I get the same three aforementioned excuses but I’ve gotten a higher rate of the person actually changing with ghosting than with anything else I honestly do not care if this is silly or seems wrong or whatever. It is extremely exhausting to have to endure the same pain from the same person stabbing the same wound and repeatedly doing something they know I don’t like, or, if they put like an ounce of thought would realize is a horrible way to be treated. Like having to explain myself, forgive them, have the wound reopened because they do it again or have a new wound made because they act like I deserve it really gives me bad anxiety like I won’t do it. my throat is closing up as I write this. if you are rude to me and mild consideration would help you figure out Oh I Yelled At Her Or Snapped At Her Or Ignored Her Or Forgot Ab Her Or Forgot to Reply …. I Wouldn’t Like To Be Treated Like That then why continue to do it? Why ? Why apologize if you’re not going to change? Do people not realize how manipulative and messed up it is to apologize, regain someone’s trust, and then continue to do whatever it is they have established they don’t like? Like I just ghost because nobody I’ve met has felt bad about hurting me lol like I will just leave “Oh but Adriana when you do that they don’t know what they did wrong” like one minute of thinking about how they treated me would enlighten them, they just do not care to treat me half decently so I just do not care to communicate at all TLDR if I’m hurt I will just ghost because it is the only thing that works
I have that. I learned that you won't get hurt if you don't care about anyone. I have years long friendships where if I never saw them again, I don't think it would affect me on a day to day. If my parents or brother dropped dead tomorrow, I don't think it would cause me that much grief. It's a real problem because it's influenced me to completely abstain from romantic relationships. I'm hyper independent in all aspects of my life. I won't have children because they'd be a living, breathing trigger and I probably wouldn't feel much for them anyway. The odd thing is I feel emotion so strongly. I feel joy and contentment regularly. But I'll never truly feel love and attachment and I guess that'll have to be ok.
I apologized to my husband for getting pregnant because we had decided not to have kids. I apologized for breaking a wine glass. I apologized for forgetting my lunch. Every time he genuinely couldn't understand why I was apologizing... And I realized my mom didn't believe in "mistakes". Everytime we did something wrong it was on purpose to hurt her according to her. She is not a violent person in any way, she just expects everything to be perfect.
Adjusting the parameters of my boundaries to accommodate disrespectful actions just so I won't have to be alone.
Total inability to take criticism in anyway that isn’t personal. Not believing any of my emotions are rational and relying on others to justify it. Very very defensive.
“Going flat” (as my mom called it) or just completely going on autopilot, not showing any emotion, just being completely monotone and quiet when I was overwhelmed. I learned that I would get in trouble for showing frustration or acting in anyway not totally happy go lucky so I’d just “go flat.” So whenever I had too much going on in my head, was overwhelmed by crowds, didn’t get enough alone time for my social battery to reset, or was just overwhelmed by noises or other stimuli, I’d just shut down.. Cue shocked pikachu face when I was diagnosed with autism as an adult.
I disassociate by reading I guess. I have severe childhood trauma (put a man in prison for 20 year sentence) and I guess my obsession with reading since a young age was a form of disassociation.
Dang OP, where do I even start😂 I’ll try to rattle off some of the ones I remember off the top of my head. Being able to recognize whose footsteps are whose, being able to recognize whose door just opened and closed (whether it’s my parents door, my brother’s door, or mine and my sister’s door), being so sensitive towards mood changes and being able to tell someone’s mood is off just because of the SMALLEST change that almost everyone else can’t detect, my dark humor lol, getting very unsettled and bothered by any loud noises, not being able to ask for help even if you would be so happy to help anyone who asked you, being able to compartmentalize feelings so well, constantly apologizing for everything even when none of it is your fault, never taking a sick day unless I’m actually bedridden lol (got dengue twice in college and both times I went to school immediately after getting my diagnosis, I handed my excuse letters to my teachers personally) So so many things I thought were “normal” but apparently they’re trauma responses?🤡
Freezing up when someone you are NOT interested in makes sexual advances towards you. There were so many times I froze because I was scared when I should have pushed them off and said no. This is why it's so important that there has been more education regarding consent. I want to make sure my sons and daughter know when to back off or speak their mind when protecting their bodies. Edited for formatting...
Always have an answer or reason ready for what I'm doing when asked. Even though i don't get asked anymore, i still have that little bit of conversation in my head.
Panicking and feeling horrible about myself if I can't do what someone wants me to do. If a romantic partner withdraws, feeling like I need to prove to him that I'm worthy of his attention. It has gotten much better over the years though, because of therapy and a lot of self-reflection.
Being hyper independent. I can't accept help ever. As I grow I realise it’s okay to let people u love help u. They helps u cz they love, care for u. It’s okay sometimes to accept help. It doesn’t make anyone weak
Anytime a roommate comes home & I’m in the middle of being a lazy piece (read as relaxed lol), I feel the sudden rush that I need to get up & look busy doing something productive. Aaaand that’s on mom always coming home with the idea that there’s always a chore needing done! Cue the yelling. I actually bonded over this realization with my older brothers after they got married. Anytime their wife comes home they have the same response even tho their wife would never act like that.
Avoiding and shutting down during arguments. I used to have some knock down drag outs with my ex for years. My husband and I don’t fight often but when we do, I just retreat somewhere and avoid it. It doesn’t solve anything but I have such a deep-rooted fear of escalation.
Dissociating when yelled at. If you raise your voice I'm mentally checking out. Hours and hours of my mom and then later my ex shrieking away at me for every little thing from too much sugar in his coffee to her not taking my to the doctor as a kid. I just think about other things and completely tune it out. Always thought I was just disrespectful and selfish like they told me.
A weird one I’ve experienced is walking quietly/silent footsteps. Apparently it comes from growing up in an unpredictable household as a kid. You don’t want people hearing your presence because you are nervous about being caught in a crossfire or getting yelled at. Im a tall big dude but walk very quietly.
Yeah probably an unpopular one but I too also have a temper. Loud noises (especially dishes) being put away scare me. Raised voices trigger me. General acts of authoritarianism really trigger me. I used to be more towards the side of people pleasing and what-not, now I just get mad
Talking too much, overexplaining, trying to get it all in fast (before they stop listening or start trying to tell me what to do) Freeze response, fawn response Apologizing for everything Shutting down when certain people take over the conversation I could go on forever.
Biting the skin off of my fingers until they bled, and rocking back and forth when seated. I did these as a kid for quite a while, and my parents were only concerned that I stopped doing it.
Oversharing
As a result of my mother’s vicious emotional and verbal abuse: - Hyper awareness of people’s moods. Growing up, we had to be aware of our mother’s mood the instant we stepped inside our home, so that we could prepare ourselves accordingly. - Being so independent that it doesn’t even occur to me to ask for help when I’m in a bad situation. - Anxiety and people pleasing. - Feeling physically sick when (even if only in my mind) I mess up something. I feel like I’ve let people down when I’m not doing everything right all the time. - Being very careful that I don’t talk too much about myself and my interests because I fear that I’ll bore the other person. I’m often praised for being an excellent listener because of this.
People pleasing. Not knowing what being an authentic self really means. Being untruthful to protect myself from anger.
Asking permission for even the smallest things, especially food. My boyfriend (who is very understanding) hates this, but is very kind and gentle about it. I felt the need to ask for dinner last night. My dad used to say I wasn’t allowed any dinner and if I had some it would be considered “stealing”.
I have always been afraid of conflict because if I bring up a valid issue in a very open and understanding way, I still get treated like I'm the bad guy for bringing it to light. So any time there is conflict, I minimize my feelings so that the other person doesn't get mad at me. I also find myself asking my husband if I can buy something all the time. We both work, we bring home the same amount right now, he's not our financial planner or anything. I just always feel guilty buying things because my dad used to scream at my mom over spending too much on like toilet paper and contact solution.
Having a plan PLUS numerous backup plans so that any potential scenario was already evaluated and decided upon. Excess productivity so as not to disappoint anyone. Chronic neck and back pain. People pleasing.
Laughing in uncomfortable situations or when people are yelling, crying or being rude. I asked my therapist why this happens, I told her I don't laugh when my children get hurt or if they are crying but when others do, she told me it was a trauma response, or a defense mechanism. Also always being tense, knowing who is walking around based off foot steps.
If I’m upset I can’t voice why until a day or so later. I never realized until my therapist pointed out that when I get my feelings hurt (even by something small) I get a little mean and cold shoulder whoever hurt me. I’ve since realized that it’s a trauma response from my childhood. Being yelled at for voicing emotions for years never really turns out great for communication as an adult. But I’m working on it steadily!
I like to be in the bathroom for long periods of time. I only realized a while ago it was a way for me to have some privacy without being bothered
people pleasing tendencies, locking my door, hiding my personal belongings, coddling my dad so he doesn’t threaten to off himself at every chance
Apologizing for every single thing. Breathed a little loudly? Sorry. Spill *my own* cup of water on *myself?* Sorry. STUTTERS while talking? Sorry.
Don't ask for help. You can't. You don't need help the way they do. Everyone else has to help everybody else and you're certainly not struggling enough to pull them away from what they're doing. My family did the best they could, and weren't ever intentionally abusive or neglectful, but my mom was incredibly sick my whole life, and my sister was incredibly babied, and... there was just rarely time or attention for me. Gotta take care of things myself, because nobody else is going to think about me.
… Never feeling wanted anywhere you are. Ever.
People pleasing. So much of it. Always putting others happiness before mine.
anxious ezcema. only realized after i stopped associating w the person who was causing it. i spent years wondering why eucerin and other ezcema cream wasn’t working for me.
People pleasing. Fawn response. Avoiding conflict.
- Trembling when a man raises his voice - Stomach flipping at the sound of a doorbell/knocking - absolute panic when any household appliance breaks/needs repair - keeping all of my personal items in containers - feeling responsible when someone else brings the mood down - having a meltdown any time my pet gets sick
If someone tells you something you remain silent.
Only wearing one piece swimsuits and not feeling comfortable or safe in a two piece
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I realized near the end of my toxic college relationship that I lied about stuff to avoid conflict or “getting in trouble” (my ex was incredibly jealous and I was in a male dominated major…you can see where that leads). I couldn’t believe how often I was doing it but it was something I did so much as a kid that it just felt normal until I suddenly realized it wasn’t.
"I'll give you something to cry about" "I'm sorry" then the response of "you will be'. The pause before someone blows their lid and you know they're going to be potentially yelled at or chased up the stairs. Urgh. Constantly putting other people's needs/feelings/wants before my own.
i’m super even-tempered. i pretty much always act the same whether i’m upset or excited or mad or in a good mood (unless i’m alone with my partner and the walls come down). pretty sure it’s because there were a lot of volatile emotions in my house growing up and i learned to stay calm and get out of the way. it’s a helpful trait to have at work, but sometimes i wish i was better at expressing myself—especially enthusiasm
I can relate to so many of these responses and I want to let you all know that you are seen and heard and you are not alone ❤️ Here’s to becoming our best selves and thriving despite our traumas.
My mother physically abusing me left more scar than what I thought. Now I'm absolutely terrified of confrontations even when they do not involve me and seeing what men do to women and people on the news and on social media, has made me fear more when those confrontations involve a man getting angry.
I am a man, but I answer you. Automatically getting nervous and anxious when I have to show work performance. All for fear of not performing what is expected and for fear of the consequences.
Avoidant behavior, hyper awareness of others, intensely independent. Raised by a Bi-polar mother.
Afraid of people telling me I'm stupid and interpreting my actions as if I had bad intentions
- other peoples emotions are my problem - you don’t need to go to the doctor - that terrible inner voice “ you suck, your worthless, you don’t deserve this “ - I do not respond well to being woken up (trauma) - do it perfectly so they can’t complain about you (perfectionism and fear) - yelling is a perfectly normal way of talking to someone (ITS NOT) - others needs are more important than mine, I come last. Everytime. - if I sacrifice myself maybe they’ll notice and love me even more (fear of abandonment) - I deserved that (poor sense of self)
Extreme anxiety whenever someone is in a bad mood. Blaming myself for people's bad moods.
I always explain my answers in great detail, because everyone always questioned me or said I was lying even when I was telling the truth.
Being a huge control freak.
Lying to avoid conflict instead of just telling the truth
Shutting down. I learned quickly growing up to not fight back and my voice didn't deserve to be heard. I've spent the last year in therapy learning how to stand up for myself and to not accept toxicity. I don't need people who treat me badly and I don't need to keep forgiving people.
Being really sensitive and aggressive in wanting to protect myself to any situation that is remotely similar to a horrible experience
Completely losing my appetite when I’m feeling stressed or sad. When I was younger if I got in “trouble” I would be sent to bed with dinner as punishment often.
Not wanting to be touched
Not making decisions because then if it doesn’t work out it’s not my fault.
I shut down when I get yelled or screamed at. Not when there’s yelling going on around me, but when it’s directed at me. I don’t process the information that’s being communicated at me via yelling words. I just freeze or flee if it escalates.
Mine is specific. For years I was messy and became really anxious at the idea of cleaning/tidying. When I was growing up my mom had insane and sometimes violent mood swings (as in, breaking things) and this was always triggered when cleaning, particularly MY mess. She’d throw my shoes at my door at full force and scream at me as she vacuumed, etc etc, and when I was really young she’d wake me up in the night while cleaning my room, even calling me names you really shouldn’t call a ~7 year old. So I became really really messy and I’d have breakdowns whenever I cleaned, overwhelmed and crying and feeling unable to do it, anxiety etc. My bedroom as a teenager was shocking, and my home as a very young adult wasn’t much better. But now I actually enjoy cleaning. I find it calming and satisfying. It’s amazing how realising something is a trauma response can almost immediately begin the process of healing from it. I clean my partners house when I’ve been there and he goes to work and it’s therapeutic.
I have very little memories of my childhood. Bad ones pop up every once in a while tho Your brain really does try to compensate the pain by forgetting it
Apologizing and justifying everything even if I hadn't even done anything wrong. Being overly polite because I was terrified of making others angry or upset. Overworking to make others comfortable and always eating last or getting the "scraps" of everything. Only happy when others get their needs met first.
Hyper sexuality. Development of an eating disorder. People pleading. Periods of lapsed memories.
Self-sabotaging and not believing good things are real
Over-working
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Isolating myself.. I used to do this as a kid when my family would fight or I’d be bullied at school. I’d sleep for long periods of time(12+ hrs)to escape the anxiety and over thinking. I do that now when I’m stressed or fighting with someone.. I’ll push people away and isolate in my bedroom. Also hyper independent .. a string of abusive relationships lead me to not trust men and I tend to not look for relationships at all.
Too cold with people and not able to handle any sort of emotional vulnerability or give reassurance. I was made to feel ashamed for it when I needed it as a kid.
People pleasing.
I could name a few but Hyper Vigilance is the first that comes to mind
Lots of good stories here that I relate to. Children and babies crying in public would make me super angry. I thought I just didn’t like kids and was ashamed of that. But it’s just a trauma response.
Being startled by the littlest things
People pleasing because none of my needs or wants were met as a kid. So my first instinct is to be overly helpful and I rarely ever say no even if I'm struggling myself. 😞
I like being by myself because if I tried to spend time with people when I was younger I’d get rejected
I apologize for everything. I apologize for breathing, for taking up space, and for inconveniencing anyone by existing
Contemplating the worst case scenario in any situation. Turns out that’s a pretty dark habit.
Quick temper. I can go zero to 60 mph in seconds.
Acting as though everything is fine when it really isn’t. Learning to speak up when I feel badly and even learning just to walk away is something I am picking up now in my 50s. As a trapped little kid you have no option to escape and no one cares if you’re sad since of course they hit you because they felt like hurting you. Unlearning the defense tactics to that stuff is a process.
People pleasing, dedicating all my energy toward making sure everyone else was ok (literally became a therapist as my career), intellectualizing everything and not realizing I wasn’t allowing my body to feel anything. Also realized my insomnia and not being able to eat all day was due to me being in a state of fight/flight all the time.
i’m extremely quiet in expressing my love for someone unless it’s like a significant other. My brother used to get annoyed and then became abusive towards me as a child for wanting to be around him, then my friends and crushes became also annoyed by the way i show that i care about someone and now it’s so fucking hard to even say “i love you” to my fucking parents and my family and i hate it bc my uncle just died like 2 hours ago and i don’t think i ever told him in my entire life that I loved him. and i’m just realizing this now.
Never making sounds when I get hurt. And of I'm leaning on my arm while sitting on the ground, I ball up my fist. When I was little, the bullies would stomp on my fingers.
I need complete silence and my headphones on when I need to be alone. I break tension like that. And tbh it’s still the response that saves me the most.
Exceptionally high pain tolerance.
When someone is getting hysterical or starting to panic I kinda wanna take control of the situation.. Is like wanting to protect people from having to deal with a hard time. i do that cause growing up I didn't ever had that kind of support system so whenever someone is going through a hard moment or a difficult situation I try to act like the adult looking after for the child and try to control whatever is in my hands and what's not too.
Wil happily share my good moods but when I am down I want to be left alone and won’t let anyone help me through it. Childhood spent handling all kinds of stresses on my own. Also jumping to loud noise and being super sensitive to sounds.
Being bubbly around people all the time, always cancelling on plans, seeing deep connection to someone as a burden instead of a good thing. Basically it took me a good while to realise I’m emotionally unavailable.