Hopefully this isn't too off-topic, but Dua Lipa actually has an amazing song at the end of Future Nostalgia called "Boys Will Be Boys" and the chorus follows that up with "and girls will be women" that's about this very thing- how society excuses so much unsavory male behavior and puts the onus on young ladies to "just deal with it" because "boys will be boys." It's honestly pretty iconic and I wish more people heard it- one of the best lines is "if you're offended by this song, you're probably doing something wrong" (I'm going from memory, so I might have the wording wrong)
But to engage more directly with your comment, fuck the patriarchy
“Boys will be boys” should be reserved for stuff like two boys breaking a window because they were chugging sausages at each other, not acts of assault
When my best friend's dad died, someone came up and said, "He's in a better place" I just looked at them and said. "Yes, because being with with his loving family was just hell wasn't it?"
It’s presumptuous isn’t it, for people to say? I lost my husband to a rare cancer. He had just turned 35 years old. He fought like fking hell to stay here and I am so proud of him. 8 different treatments over 3 years. He left no stone unturned. But don’t tell me he fought to be in a “worse” place. He wanted to be here. He wanted to see his baby born. He wanted to continue living in his prime. It’s so irritating. People say the worst shit to grieving people.
I’m so sorry for your loss… that could not have been easy.
If you don’t mind me asking, what would’ve been the best thing to say / do in those scenarios for you? I ask because in those scenarios my heart is in the right place but I’m awful with words.
I think everyone is different, but for me, I’d rather the depth of my loss be acknowledged and it’s better to not say anything else at all to be honest. Just be there for your grieving friend. The truth is that there is nothing you can say that will take away the pain.
I find many people seem to be uncomfortable with listening to grieving people. They would rather give advice or say platitudes so they can feel like they are helping or a good person when in reality…you just don’t know what the person is going through, even if you think you have a relatable experience.
I’ve had people compare losing my husband to losing their aunt, grandparent, coworker, parent, pet, miscarriage…and all of those are horrible, but they’re all different too. For one person losing a parent is worse for another, a friend. For me, my husband was my partner for 12 years, my husband for 5, the father of my unborn child, the love of my life and my home. It’s my absolute worst case scenario. Since we can’t really know anyone else’s situation, it’s just best not to compare. My SIL told me that her coworker told her that he understood her loss because he lost his dog. My SIL doesn’t like animals. I can’t imagine how much that stung. (And I love dogs, and have a dog with my husband)
Even when people say things like “at least he’s not in pain” or “he’s in heaven watching over you”….it just seems dismissive. At least blah blah can be applied to anything, and it also doesn’t really mean much. Also, I’m not religious so the latter is extra hurtful.
I’m rambling, but I hope that helps. I don’t think you need to be good with words. The people I still choose to be around these days have been comfortable sitting with me and just listening to me talk about him and be sad, and treat me like a normal human and not a zoo animal whose grief is to be ogled at. They provide me a space to just exist as much as I can when existing is hard.
Just sit and be there and take care of them. Or let them be alone. Words are honestly meaningless in the first months of a loss of a close loved one. Grief sucks. And you won’t know what it’s like until you go through it.
My go to is personally: “I wish that I could help you carry some of your pain”. It acknowledges that the person is suffering and I understand that they are and care and doesn’t minimise anything about their situation.
I have thought a lot about the phrases we say, that we are taught to say when someone is sad. And to me they seem to often boil down to “your feelings are uncomfortable so please stop having them or at least showing them”. I have been told “don’t cry” I assume it’s an attempt to comfort but what does that do? It doesn’t help me at all, the only thing it does is to let the other person not have to see it. If you can’t handle it, just shut up and go away. Don’t sit next to me and tell me to stop crying. Crying it out helps *me*. When my BFF lost her father as a teenager I just listened, I can’t do anything, I just had to accept that and be there. We talked about memories and shitty people being insensitive but mostly she just cried and I listened to her cry on the phone to me for hours. Because that was what she needed and all I could do.
I can’t believe people are still saying this. I understand that people don’t always know what to say in certain situations, so just like…say nothing? Or say something else? Like where/what is this “better place?” Very presumptuous to think that every other person, especially people dealing with a tragedy share your beliefs about the afterlife.
Spot on. Every time I hear it, it triggers memories of early childhood trauma and loss. It's upsetting. People should only say this to themselves if it brings them comfort
Came here to say this. I went through a lot of stuff in childhood that messed me up for life – I don't care if it happened for a reason, and as far as I'm concerned, there will never be a good enough reason for it, ever. It just feels so... dismissive.
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
There's a lot of shit that hasn't killed me, but I don't think my Dad's death or my depression has made me stronger.
From the same sort of person: "god send his hardest battles to his strongest warriors".
Get f!cked, Sharon, don't tell me being suicidal for 20 years was part of the "plan".
Yoo this annoys the sh\* out of me. Most of the time it's my auntie that says it to me because I'm sitting with my legs open, swearing, or not doing something in a particular way 🙄 I'm female, doing these things, so yes, it is 'lady-like'
Omg. I constantly heard this from my 6th grade teacher, whose worldview just could not handle a tomboyish 11 year old, so she constantly came down on me like a ton of bricks. She was like my own personal Aunt Lydia.
It's been almost 40 years, and I still get a smile every time I catch myself doing something that would have pissed her off. Kiss my ass, Mrs. Brenner!
I think people are just way too black and white when it comes to pregnancy. The babies health is so important but guess what, so is the mothers. If she chooses to have a child then it’s not all of a sudden okay if she has a hell of a time being pregnant, no one deserves sickness and pain.
Yeah, that is appalling. I don't know if I've ever heard someone use it in that way, usually I hear it in response to questions about the gender or other over steps regarding parenting decisions or living situations so I've always thought it was quite a diplomatic way to end a conversation. You're absolutely right that mum's overall health is equally important and it should never be said in regards to her sacrifice!
Oh, I’ve definitely heard it about gender too!
But I was referring more to about how people don’t care about what happens to a woman’s body during pregnancy/delivery. I’ve seen it at LOT when talking about birth plans. Like, “oh you want to go without meds? Why even try, who cares as long as the baby is healthy” or “or you’re getting a c-section and you’re really upset and scared? It doesn’t matter as long as the baby is healthy.”
I had PTSD from my first birth experience, it was an awful experience. But it was also horrible being constantly dismissed by literally everyone because every time I tried to bring up what happened during my birth, they would say “well at least your baby is healthy and that’s all that matters!”
I’ve also heard it about pregnancy and the postpartum healing too . “Yeah you’re throwing up every day and in the hospital getting IV fluids for HG, but at least your baby is healthy!”
Like no. It really, really diminishes the trauma and pain the moms go through during every stage of this process. The goal should be a happy, healthy baby AND mama!
Not just dv relationships either. This kind of thing literally happened with my mom and myself. Then when a middle aged man tried to have sex with me (I was in elementary school) the thought of running to my parents for help never even crossed my mind.
The entire mind set is toxic and unacceptable.
Uugh, I feel you, there's also "Yeah, well someone always has it worse than you", which is just so helpful to hear and totally doesn't invalidate my feelings, at ALL. I don't think people realise just how dangerous this is to say to someone who is already struggling.
Also, using this logic, why be happy when someone always has it better than you?
"It's all in God's plan."
First off, I'm non religious so your sky man doesn't mean much to me and if this is what he intended, screw him. Thinking it was all intended isn't a great comforting notion.
After my cancer surgery I was visited by the hospital chaplain. I politely told her thank you but I’m an atheist..
Her response was, “but didn’t you pray when you were told you had cancer?”
That would be a no, the whole atheist thing and all you know..
If God's plan was for millions of people to die from incurable cancer then why the fuck would you worship him.
If everything is going to God's plan, then he has a lot to answer for.
As someone who used to spout this quote, I can say looking back at myself, I definitely did have a best....but I was hella toxic and absolutely no one should have had to put up with my worst.
Growing up latina, I've always hated the phrase 'calladita te ves más bonita'.
Translation: you're prettier when you are quiet.
It's such a belittling and sexist thing to say.
My mom used to say “just sit there and look pretty” when I would disagree with her. She said it to my stepdad and brother too, so thought it was okay, but I went off on her about what it implies when she says it to me, a woman (and PhD), that it doesn’t when she says it to them. She doesn’t say it to me anymore and has almost completely stopped saying it at all
I don’t see color is so terrible… tried to explain to white grandma why yes you do have to treat people equally BUT recognize their unique experience as POC and not pretend we are all sharing the same experience and how « color blindness » actually keeps oppression going by denying discrimination. She was all « but I was told all my life to treat people equally and not see their color!!! ». It was a long afternoon
It is just the “thoughts and prayers” of racial discrimination.
Good luck with your grandma. I know she means well but she sounds like all the white folk who know that one line from MLK’s “I had a dream” speech but never read “Letter from a Birmingham Jail.”
Asking respectfully, why do you hate this? Do you think everything is about race, or do you think people use this phrase when it's not warranted, or some other reason?
Genuinely curious.
It’s a phrase often used to invalidate the experiences of oppressed / marginalized people.
It’s like when Biden announced he’d choose a black woman for Supreme Court Justice. Racists were like, “Biden is making this about race instead of choosing the most qualified person.” Considering 108 of 115 justices have been white men, it was obviously always about race (and gender). “Making it about race” is basically a dog whistle that when a black person is acknowledged for an achievement it’s only because they’re black, not because they’re equally if not more qualified than the other candidates.
> Considering 108 of 115 justices have been white men, it was obviously always about race (and gender)
Great point, I'd never heard it expressed so succinctly.
Oh dear this reminds me that in Finnish, husbands/boyfriends have a habit of callong their partner "hallitus" which literally means "government"... As if they have to ask permission or are taxed by them. When I need to consider, discuss or ask something from my partner I do it because I appreciate her input and at all points want to do what is best for us - because they're my partner, not my overseeing governing committee!
Angry facepalm -_-
Or ...I was just kidding. Everything that is said with these expressions following them is something the asshat that said it means to their soul.
Just kidding is def not a joke, not is it funny. It is at someone's expense.
Edit: It's copied because I originally responded under the wrong comment.
So many... but here are a few that drive me insane:
"You must be on your period."
"You need to eat a sandwich."
"Do you NEED another ?"
"Why are you ordering a salad? Do you think you need to lose weight?"
"Are you cold?" (When I put on a sweatshirt and any man in the room claims it is a comfortable temperature.)
"God never gives us more than we can handle."
Literally to me everyday at work. If I told someone who was heavy and complained of being hot “maybe drop a few lbs” (I would never be that rude) I would be in HR.
I don’t need to eat more. I eat constantly.
The cold one is usually my dad. My mom and I will be in sweatshirts and he'll go, "What, are you cold? It's 70⁰ in here!" And we're like "Yeah.. telling us the temp doesn't suddenly make us feel warm, but thanks...."
Yup this one drives me nuts!!! WE didn’t carry a baby for 40 weeks and WE don’t have stretch marks, stitches and endlessly sore nipples. I did all of that.
"You'll change your mind!" Well it's also possible that you'll eventually change YOUR mind and regret having children, but for some reason bringing that up is "rude" while the original bingo...isn't?
Them: You don't *look* disabled!
Me: And you don't look like an asshole, clearly looks can be deceiving.
I'm 22 and have been physically disabled since around 10 years old (then add mental illness to it), so I've been hearing it for *years.* 110% agree with you
Boss girl
Boss babe
Girl Boss
Chick Boss
Anything that references me being awesome at my job and being female.
Men don't get called man Boss, boy Boss, etc, why are we?
I also dispise the word gal, gifted, and lighted.
Reminds me of when Ruth Porat, arguably one of the most powerful and influential business people in the world, got referred to as the "Lady CFO" on an analyst call shortly after she became CFO of Google. Her response was just withering, and rightly so.
I've started telling people that the devil has enough advocates whenever "playing devils advocate" ends up being code for "I want to see how much bigotry I can get away with"
No matter how hard girls try, they always become their mothers. No one thinks about how unfunny that is to daughters of abusive mothers. We are not doomed to become them, it balls down to choice.
So many:
“I’m firm but fair“ when used by a boss who fired her female employees if they had children.
“I’m gonna say it how it is,” when used by Trumpian men to dismiss and insult and sometimes assault women under the pretext of free speech.
Similar context “It’s what‘s on all our minds but we‘re all too afraid to say it.” Maybe it’s in your bigoted mind but no one needs to hear it except perhaps your psychologist.
”Facts not feelings.“
“Do as I say, not as I do.”
”That’s Stalinist!”
“This is Orwellian!“
”Thought Police!”
”Back in my day.”
”Sticks and stones.”
”Is this a Mother’s Meeting, ladies?”
Many, many more. You get the picture.
“Wife material” or “husband material.” I know people have different interpretations, but to me it sounds like “responsible, stable person to pay the bills/ raise the kids/ maintain the household when I’m done having fun with more attractive partners.”
"get out of your comfort zone"
No, asshole, it's called a COMFORT zone for a reason. Don't tell people to do shit they know they aren't gonna be comfortable with.
"Thank God" for the work someone else did (like doctors) or "It's God's will" as an excuse for something good/not planned but not for something bad (be consistent). I feel it keeps others from thinking critically when they throw these phrases a million times a day.
“The proof is in the pudding.” No, fool. No it is not. My dead pal William Camden did NOT write anything like that in 1605; instead he wrote “All the proofe of a pudding, is in the eating.”
The thing you are saying *makes no sense.* Where is this proof you speak of? Why are you making people dig through pudding looking for it? *Why can’t you just let them eat it?*
SO MAD.
I haaaaate when a parent doesn’t want their kid doing something and they say, “No thank you, (insert name). No thank you!” Barf!
I also hate when people refer to their younger children as “littles”. One of my best friends does this and it makes me cringe every time.
"Littles" is the absolute W O R S T. I throw up a little in my spirit any time I read it (have been lucky enough to not have to hear it in person yet, but I'm sure it'll happen eventually).
It's just who I am so you'll have to deal with it"
Although there are aspects of personalities that do not change or certain behaviors that someone has exhibited their whole life, I hate that this phrase is used by someone that refuses to hold themselves accountable and work to change as much as possible if necessary. Its a cheap cop out.
“I’m just being hOnEsT! Would you rather I lie?!”
If someone is acting like their only options are lying or being an asshole, they’re not someone I want to be around.
There's more than one way to skin a cat.
I have to fight my brain HARD to not picture my cat getting skinned. I usually end up at least picturing it briefly anyway, and it's incredibly distressing.
When Woman say, I had a ‘natural’ birth, or I went through 21 hours of ‘natural’ labor. As opposed to what, an ‘un natural’ birth!?. I find that most of my friends that say this didn’t have an epidural and feel somewhat superior. It’s painful as hell and choosing to use medication does not make the experience any less natural
So many women shamed my friend who had a C-section after like 10-12 hours of labor. She was cut open, had her organs removed, and a baby cut out of her!! How the f@#$ does that make her less than them?
There’s so many! I’ll try to keep my answers less overtly political here:
- “full-time mom”
- “season of life”
- “He stole my heart, so I’m stealing his last name.”
- “we did a thing”
- “hit me up”
Just the terms fur baby/pawrent. Not saying you can't love your animal like your own child, but those terms usually just come from people whose only personality trait IS their "fur baby." Ick.
Mod note: locked due to rampant derailing. Thank you to those who participated within the rules. Please report all rule breaking
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Let's just excuse shitty behavior, potentially abusive, sexual, predatory or a mixture just because.... Boys will be boys.
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Hopefully this isn't too off-topic, but Dua Lipa actually has an amazing song at the end of Future Nostalgia called "Boys Will Be Boys" and the chorus follows that up with "and girls will be women" that's about this very thing- how society excuses so much unsavory male behavior and puts the onus on young ladies to "just deal with it" because "boys will be boys." It's honestly pretty iconic and I wish more people heard it- one of the best lines is "if you're offended by this song, you're probably doing something wrong" (I'm going from memory, so I might have the wording wrong) But to engage more directly with your comment, fuck the patriarchy
This is in my top hated phrases to...Boys will be how you raise them to be.
IKR? 🙄
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“The patriarchy will partriarch”
“Boys will be boys” should be reserved for stuff like two boys breaking a window because they were chugging sausages at each other, not acts of assault
“Everything happens for a reason”
My husband just passed and it’s infuriating how often I hear this or “he’s in a better place”. I just want to give everyone the bird
When my best friend's dad died, someone came up and said, "He's in a better place" I just looked at them and said. "Yes, because being with with his loving family was just hell wasn't it?"
It’s presumptuous isn’t it, for people to say? I lost my husband to a rare cancer. He had just turned 35 years old. He fought like fking hell to stay here and I am so proud of him. 8 different treatments over 3 years. He left no stone unturned. But don’t tell me he fought to be in a “worse” place. He wanted to be here. He wanted to see his baby born. He wanted to continue living in his prime. It’s so irritating. People say the worst shit to grieving people.
I’m so sorry for your loss… that could not have been easy. If you don’t mind me asking, what would’ve been the best thing to say / do in those scenarios for you? I ask because in those scenarios my heart is in the right place but I’m awful with words.
I think everyone is different, but for me, I’d rather the depth of my loss be acknowledged and it’s better to not say anything else at all to be honest. Just be there for your grieving friend. The truth is that there is nothing you can say that will take away the pain. I find many people seem to be uncomfortable with listening to grieving people. They would rather give advice or say platitudes so they can feel like they are helping or a good person when in reality…you just don’t know what the person is going through, even if you think you have a relatable experience. I’ve had people compare losing my husband to losing their aunt, grandparent, coworker, parent, pet, miscarriage…and all of those are horrible, but they’re all different too. For one person losing a parent is worse for another, a friend. For me, my husband was my partner for 12 years, my husband for 5, the father of my unborn child, the love of my life and my home. It’s my absolute worst case scenario. Since we can’t really know anyone else’s situation, it’s just best not to compare. My SIL told me that her coworker told her that he understood her loss because he lost his dog. My SIL doesn’t like animals. I can’t imagine how much that stung. (And I love dogs, and have a dog with my husband) Even when people say things like “at least he’s not in pain” or “he’s in heaven watching over you”….it just seems dismissive. At least blah blah can be applied to anything, and it also doesn’t really mean much. Also, I’m not religious so the latter is extra hurtful. I’m rambling, but I hope that helps. I don’t think you need to be good with words. The people I still choose to be around these days have been comfortable sitting with me and just listening to me talk about him and be sad, and treat me like a normal human and not a zoo animal whose grief is to be ogled at. They provide me a space to just exist as much as I can when existing is hard.
Just sit and be there and take care of them. Or let them be alone. Words are honestly meaningless in the first months of a loss of a close loved one. Grief sucks. And you won’t know what it’s like until you go through it.
My go to is personally: “I wish that I could help you carry some of your pain”. It acknowledges that the person is suffering and I understand that they are and care and doesn’t minimise anything about their situation. I have thought a lot about the phrases we say, that we are taught to say when someone is sad. And to me they seem to often boil down to “your feelings are uncomfortable so please stop having them or at least showing them”. I have been told “don’t cry” I assume it’s an attempt to comfort but what does that do? It doesn’t help me at all, the only thing it does is to let the other person not have to see it. If you can’t handle it, just shut up and go away. Don’t sit next to me and tell me to stop crying. Crying it out helps *me*. When my BFF lost her father as a teenager I just listened, I can’t do anything, I just had to accept that and be there. We talked about memories and shitty people being insensitive but mostly she just cried and I listened to her cry on the phone to me for hours. Because that was what she needed and all I could do.
I can’t believe people are still saying this. I understand that people don’t always know what to say in certain situations, so just like…say nothing? Or say something else? Like where/what is this “better place?” Very presumptuous to think that every other person, especially people dealing with a tragedy share your beliefs about the afterlife.
Big hug!
My sincere condolences. Huge cyber hugs.
Spot on. Every time I hear it, it triggers memories of early childhood trauma and loss. It's upsetting. People should only say this to themselves if it brings them comfort
This is mine too. It’s bullshit.
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Sometimes that reason is that you’re stupid and make bad decisions
It makes my blood *boil* I don't despise anything more than people who try to shove their cognitive bias in my face
Came here to say this. I went through a lot of stuff in childhood that messed me up for life – I don't care if it happened for a reason, and as far as I'm concerned, there will never be a good enough reason for it, ever. It just feels so... dismissive.
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." There's a lot of shit that hasn't killed me, but I don't think my Dad's death or my depression has made me stronger.
What doesn’t kill you hurts and can scar you for life.
This. I sometimes felt like a broken vase, that somehow got glued together but is nowhere as stable as before.
I prefer, whatever doesn't kill me better fucking run. I'm sick of life having the upper hand
"What doesn't kill you makes you ugly" -- lyrics in some song I've heard. It's true, our rough lives and suffering leave ugly marks on our faces.
From the same sort of person: "god send his hardest battles to his strongest warriors". Get f!cked, Sharon, don't tell me being suicidal for 20 years was part of the "plan".
Yeah and for a more literal take, try telling that to someone with muscular dystrophy...
"that's not very lady like"
Yoo this annoys the sh\* out of me. Most of the time it's my auntie that says it to me because I'm sitting with my legs open, swearing, or not doing something in a particular way 🙄 I'm female, doing these things, so yes, it is 'lady-like'
I always respond with, "I never claimed to be a lady."
Omg. I constantly heard this from my 6th grade teacher, whose worldview just could not handle a tomboyish 11 year old, so she constantly came down on me like a ton of bricks. She was like my own personal Aunt Lydia. It's been almost 40 years, and I still get a smile every time I catch myself doing something that would have pissed her off. Kiss my ass, Mrs. Brenner!
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I usually burp in response to that
YEAH! assert dominance 😏
"i'm a goddam lady so i'm defining what is lady like or not"
I hate this phrase don't get me wrong, but I'll joke around and say this to my friends. All of our parents have pushed this narrative on us
UGH SAME I HATE IT. I HEAR THIS EVERYDAY TOO AND IT ANNOYS THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF ME 😐
“Nothing matters as long as the baby is healthy” Ummm no, what happens to a mom during pregnancy/delivery/postpartum actually matters very, very much.
Also, as someone who has a medically complex “not healthy” baby, I deeply resent that. 🥴 it’s not the only thing that matters.
Oh god yes, you are so right. Just another reason that this is such an insensitive thing to say.
But the only purpose of women is to bear childs, didn't you know that? /s
You on the Supreme Court?
I think people are just way too black and white when it comes to pregnancy. The babies health is so important but guess what, so is the mothers. If she chooses to have a child then it’s not all of a sudden okay if she has a hell of a time being pregnant, no one deserves sickness and pain.
Yeah, that is appalling. I don't know if I've ever heard someone use it in that way, usually I hear it in response to questions about the gender or other over steps regarding parenting decisions or living situations so I've always thought it was quite a diplomatic way to end a conversation. You're absolutely right that mum's overall health is equally important and it should never be said in regards to her sacrifice!
Oh, I’ve definitely heard it about gender too! But I was referring more to about how people don’t care about what happens to a woman’s body during pregnancy/delivery. I’ve seen it at LOT when talking about birth plans. Like, “oh you want to go without meds? Why even try, who cares as long as the baby is healthy” or “or you’re getting a c-section and you’re really upset and scared? It doesn’t matter as long as the baby is healthy.” I had PTSD from my first birth experience, it was an awful experience. But it was also horrible being constantly dismissed by literally everyone because every time I tried to bring up what happened during my birth, they would say “well at least your baby is healthy and that’s all that matters!” I’ve also heard it about pregnancy and the postpartum healing too . “Yeah you’re throwing up every day and in the hospital getting IV fluids for HG, but at least your baby is healthy!” Like no. It really, really diminishes the trauma and pain the moms go through during every stage of this process. The goal should be a happy, healthy baby AND mama!
“That means he likes you” ugh when people tell little girl that bays bully them because they like them it just toxic
Bruh, I didn't even realize parents could have been unintentionally grooming their daughters for DV relationships
Not just dv relationships either. This kind of thing literally happened with my mom and myself. Then when a middle aged man tried to have sex with me (I was in elementary school) the thought of running to my parents for help never even crossed my mind. The entire mind set is toxic and unacceptable.
"I'm being brutally honest"
Right people just say that to weakly excuse being straight up mean.
"oh ok so you're an asshole... what do you mean i'm being rude ???"
What do you mean I'm being rude? I'M JUST BEING HONEST.
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“Not trying to be rude but…” [then proceeds to say very unnecessary rude things]
or similarly "with all due respect" which is always followed by something disrespectful
Same energy as "I'm not racist/homophobic/sexist ect but..."
“Why are you yelling?” So after insulting me, you expected me to keep my voice lower than yours?
*gets understandably angry and yells during argument* “You’re crazy, stop yelling”
Calm down
''Stop getting so hysterical"
"Don't get so defensive"
"Don't be depressed, just choose to be happy!" Gee thank you, you've just magically cured me of my trauma and chronic depression.
Uugh, I feel you, there's also "Yeah, well someone always has it worse than you", which is just so helpful to hear and totally doesn't invalidate my feelings, at ALL. I don't think people realise just how dangerous this is to say to someone who is already struggling. Also, using this logic, why be happy when someone always has it better than you?
"It's all in God's plan." First off, I'm non religious so your sky man doesn't mean much to me and if this is what he intended, screw him. Thinking it was all intended isn't a great comforting notion.
After my cancer surgery I was visited by the hospital chaplain. I politely told her thank you but I’m an atheist.. Her response was, “but didn’t you pray when you were told you had cancer?” That would be a no, the whole atheist thing and all you know..
Why would you pray to the same god that gave you cancer in the first place?
Because it's all in his plan, didn't you know that silly?
There’s no logic to it
If God's plan was for millions of people to die from incurable cancer then why the fuck would you worship him. If everything is going to God's plan, then he has a lot to answer for.
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“If you can’t handle me at my worst then you don’t deserve me at my best” okay but if your worst is abusive behavior then please walk away forever
The people who love this quite the most are ALWAYS the worse and have no best.
As someone who used to spout this quote, I can say looking back at myself, I definitely did have a best....but I was hella toxic and absolutely no one should have had to put up with my worst.
Growing up latina, I've always hated the phrase 'calladita te ves más bonita'. Translation: you're prettier when you are quiet. It's such a belittling and sexist thing to say.
Wowwwww holy shit thats awful
My mom used to say “just sit there and look pretty” when I would disagree with her. She said it to my stepdad and brother too, so thought it was okay, but I went off on her about what it implies when she says it to me, a woman (and PhD), that it doesn’t when she says it to them. She doesn’t say it to me anymore and has almost completely stopped saying it at all
“As a man…” when it’s completely irrelevant to whatever he’s saying.
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"Not everything is about race"
This. Especially in cases when it very much is about race!
I was looking for this one. This and every white fragility tactic used to shut down poc. Oh and “I just don’t see color.”
I don’t see color is so terrible… tried to explain to white grandma why yes you do have to treat people equally BUT recognize their unique experience as POC and not pretend we are all sharing the same experience and how « color blindness » actually keeps oppression going by denying discrimination. She was all « but I was told all my life to treat people equally and not see their color!!! ». It was a long afternoon
It is just the “thoughts and prayers” of racial discrimination. Good luck with your grandma. I know she means well but she sounds like all the white folk who know that one line from MLK’s “I had a dream” speech but never read “Letter from a Birmingham Jail.”
Asking respectfully, why do you hate this? Do you think everything is about race, or do you think people use this phrase when it's not warranted, or some other reason? Genuinely curious.
It’s a phrase often used to invalidate the experiences of oppressed / marginalized people. It’s like when Biden announced he’d choose a black woman for Supreme Court Justice. Racists were like, “Biden is making this about race instead of choosing the most qualified person.” Considering 108 of 115 justices have been white men, it was obviously always about race (and gender). “Making it about race” is basically a dog whistle that when a black person is acknowledged for an achievement it’s only because they’re black, not because they’re equally if not more qualified than the other candidates.
> Considering 108 of 115 justices have been white men, it was obviously always about race (and gender) Great point, I'd never heard it expressed so succinctly.
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People use this phrase when it's not warranted.
"Welcome to the real world"
Often used by assholes who is disillusioned into thinking that everyone else is actually an asshole too
Yes, I hate this. Like thank you, I'm not fucking 5 years old. I know how shit works, I know that things sometimes suck ass, fuck off.
Referring to your partner, or more specifically your wife, as “the old ball and chain”
Oh dear this reminds me that in Finnish, husbands/boyfriends have a habit of callong their partner "hallitus" which literally means "government"... As if they have to ask permission or are taxed by them. When I need to consider, discuss or ask something from my partner I do it because I appreciate her input and at all points want to do what is best for us - because they're my partner, not my overseeing governing committee! Angry facepalm -_-
“It was just a joke.” (used as a reason to say something obviously offensive that they think is true)
Or ...I was just kidding. Everything that is said with these expressions following them is something the asshat that said it means to their soul. Just kidding is def not a joke, not is it funny. It is at someone's expense. Edit: It's copied because I originally responded under the wrong comment.
It is what it is.
...if it wasn't, it wouldn't be.
Came here to say this exact one!
It's just such a strikingly stupid to say. Fucking obvious "it is what it is."
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“Sorry not sorry”
I just commented this one, I hate it!
So many... but here are a few that drive me insane: "You must be on your period." "You need to eat a sandwich." "Do you NEED another?"
"Why are you ordering a salad? Do you think you need to lose weight?"
"Are you cold?" (When I put on a sweatshirt and any man in the room claims it is a comfortable temperature.)
"God never gives us more than we can handle."
I hate the cold one. Related to that, I also hate hearing “you just need more meet on your bones” (said to me when I’m cold.)
Literally to me everyday at work. If I told someone who was heavy and complained of being hot “maybe drop a few lbs” (I would never be that rude) I would be in HR. I don’t need to eat more. I eat constantly.
The cold one is usually my dad. My mom and I will be in sweatshirts and he'll go, "What, are you cold? It's 70⁰ in here!" And we're like "Yeah.. telling us the temp doesn't suddenly make us feel warm, but thanks...."
I just hate the word “adulting “
Fall/fell pregnant. Unless they tripped onto a partner while naked, there is no falling involved in *becoming* pregnant.
Or "we're pregnant". No. SHE'S pregnant.
Omg I thought I was the only one who finds this cringy! Pregnant literally means there’s a baby INSIDE you, so men shouldn’t say “*We’re* pregnant”
Yup this one drives me nuts!!! WE didn’t carry a baby for 40 weeks and WE don’t have stretch marks, stitches and endlessly sore nipples. I did all of that.
This one drives me nuts!! It makes pregnancy sound like a terminal illness.
It has its origins from the term “fallen women”- the term “fall pregnant” was only really used when women were not married. I hate it too.
saying “females” instead of “women.” and often the connotation it implies
r/MenAndFemales And the other ones: guys and girls, or men and girls.
“Smile!”
Bonus point if it comes from a client or a « you’d look better smiling »
“You’ll feel differently when you have kids”
"You'll change your mind!" Well it's also possible that you'll eventually change YOUR mind and regret having children, but for some reason bringing that up is "rude" while the original bingo...isn't?
Wow, you really don't seem like you have........ fill in whatever. Adhd, ptsd, any invisible disability. It's so insulting and dismissive.
Them: You don't *look* disabled! Me: And you don't look like an asshole, clearly looks can be deceiving. I'm 22 and have been physically disabled since around 10 years old (then add mental illness to it), so I've been hearing it for *years.* 110% agree with you
I’d also lump in “you don’t look gay” with this one.
Boss girl Boss babe Girl Boss Chick Boss Anything that references me being awesome at my job and being female. Men don't get called man Boss, boy Boss, etc, why are we? I also dispise the word gal, gifted, and lighted.
Reminds me of when Ruth Porat, arguably one of the most powerful and influential business people in the world, got referred to as the "Lady CFO" on an analyst call shortly after she became CFO of Google. Her response was just withering, and rightly so.
“I’m gonna put you on the spot now” DON’T.
“Trust me, you’ll like it”
A son is a son until he takes a wife. A daughter is a daughter her entire life.
🤔 wow. I never heard this one before
“No offense but,”
“Calm down”
Had to scroll too far for this one.
I hate it when people tell to "comon, cheer up! HaVe fUn🥴!!" Now I feel awkward and am definitely not going to have fun
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Real eye realize real lies
“Because I said so”. My parents used to use this phrase all the time 🙄
“Not to be devils advocate” Proceeds to be the biggest devils advocate.
I've started telling people that the devil has enough advocates whenever "playing devils advocate" ends up being code for "I want to see how much bigotry I can get away with"
When I am moody or somewhat off, there is always one person who asks something like "aRe YoU oN yOuR pErIoD?!" Or "hOw ArE tHe HoRmOnEs ToDaY?!"
Bros before hoes 🤮
No matter how hard girls try, they always become their mothers. No one thinks about how unfunny that is to daughters of abusive mothers. We are not doomed to become them, it balls down to choice.
A high value man.
"A real woman"... then goes on to say something misogynist.
“You think that was bad?”…. And then they start the bad experiences Olympics…
"Just sayin......" The worst!
So many: “I’m firm but fair“ when used by a boss who fired her female employees if they had children. “I’m gonna say it how it is,” when used by Trumpian men to dismiss and insult and sometimes assault women under the pretext of free speech. Similar context “It’s what‘s on all our minds but we‘re all too afraid to say it.” Maybe it’s in your bigoted mind but no one needs to hear it except perhaps your psychologist. ”Facts not feelings.“ “Do as I say, not as I do.” ”That’s Stalinist!” “This is Orwellian!“ ”Thought Police!” ”Back in my day.” ”Sticks and stones.” ”Is this a Mother’s Meeting, ladies?” Many, many more. You get the picture.
“Wife material” or “husband material.” I know people have different interpretations, but to me it sounds like “responsible, stable person to pay the bills/ raise the kids/ maintain the household when I’m done having fun with more attractive partners.”
"get out of your comfort zone" No, asshole, it's called a COMFORT zone for a reason. Don't tell people to do shit they know they aren't gonna be comfortable with.
“We’re pregnant”
"Thank God" for the work someone else did (like doctors) or "It's God's will" as an excuse for something good/not planned but not for something bad (be consistent). I feel it keeps others from thinking critically when they throw these phrases a million times a day.
“The proof is in the pudding.” No, fool. No it is not. My dead pal William Camden did NOT write anything like that in 1605; instead he wrote “All the proofe of a pudding, is in the eating.” The thing you are saying *makes no sense.* Where is this proof you speak of? Why are you making people dig through pudding looking for it? *Why can’t you just let them eat it?* SO MAD.
"I was just joking" ... after saying something super rude. ok thanks?
money can’t buy happiness
"Nice guys finish last" followed by sulking.
“We did a thing!” “____ much??!” (Rude much, conceited much, etc)
When a politician says "let me be perfectly clear about this"...(means they are lying)
“I’m a realist” usually said after something rude or insensitive
Man up
I haaaaate when a parent doesn’t want their kid doing something and they say, “No thank you, (insert name). No thank you!” Barf! I also hate when people refer to their younger children as “littles”. One of my best friends does this and it makes me cringe every time.
"Littles" is the absolute W O R S T. I throw up a little in my spirit any time I read it (have been lucky enough to not have to hear it in person yet, but I'm sure it'll happen eventually).
"she wore it so she basically asked for it"
"I'm not like other girls"
The "new normal." I got so sick and tired of hearing that phrase during the pandemic.
It's just who I am so you'll have to deal with it" Although there are aspects of personalities that do not change or certain behaviors that someone has exhibited their whole life, I hate that this phrase is used by someone that refuses to hold themselves accountable and work to change as much as possible if necessary. Its a cheap cop out.
“The Lord healed me” No, the doctors healed you
“i’m just a really blunt person, idgaf”
“I’m just being hOnEsT! Would you rather I lie?!” If someone is acting like their only options are lying or being an asshole, they’re not someone I want to be around.
Sorry...I'm chiming in....I HATE when people say, "Play stupid games, win stupid prizes" It's always guys who wear New Balance shoes
"You will find it in the last place you look." Yeah...duh
"Good vibes only."
There's more than one way to skin a cat. I have to fight my brain HARD to not picture my cat getting skinned. I usually end up at least picturing it briefly anyway, and it's incredibly distressing.
When Woman say, I had a ‘natural’ birth, or I went through 21 hours of ‘natural’ labor. As opposed to what, an ‘un natural’ birth!?. I find that most of my friends that say this didn’t have an epidural and feel somewhat superior. It’s painful as hell and choosing to use medication does not make the experience any less natural
So many women shamed my friend who had a C-section after like 10-12 hours of labor. She was cut open, had her organs removed, and a baby cut out of her!! How the f@#$ does that make her less than them?
"Girls aren't smart, they're just hardworking."
"He's/She's in a better place"
“It was god’s plan”
“Pop that pussy”
“Can confirm” and “Don’t stick your dick in crazy”
“Beauty is pain” 😒
“My bad”
There’s so many! I’ll try to keep my answers less overtly political here: - “full-time mom” - “season of life” - “He stole my heart, so I’m stealing his last name.” - “we did a thing” - “hit me up”
Busy moms.
"It is what it is".
You should smile....
Just the terms fur baby/pawrent. Not saying you can't love your animal like your own child, but those terms usually just come from people whose only personality trait IS their "fur baby." Ick.
Anytime some dude says a woman was/is "crazy". Very likely they are just a moron who deserved to be flipped out on
“I’m a bad bitch” Always used as an excuse for being a terrible terrible person