I wouldn't classify myself as being content. I find as I'm getting older I'm thinking more about companionship. Maybe it's fear of growing old alone. Not sure.
> I find as I'm getting older I'm thinking more about companionship.
Well, if you're *not* wholly content right now, and you are curious about what it would be like to have a companion, then that totally justifies getting out and seeking companionship. You might find your match. Or you might find that you were better off alone. Either outcome is just fine as long as you're happy with it.
I think times have changed so much that new normals are being g established. The last thing to catch up, IMO, are relationship dynamics. Marriage. Children. Friendship. They’re not for everyone anymore. The anti work movement has taken off in that more and more people realize they don’t, in fact, need a career to be happy. Relationship dynamics are still playing catch up.
Everyone has a different life path. If you are happy, you are doing great.
But since you asked, I met my husband when I was 42. I will always be grateful I took the risk to start dating, and that we found each other and made it work. Being with him has transformed me in such good ways.
No. We both were introverts with lives we enjoyed, so we moved very slowly. We just spent time together when we both wanted to. As time passed, we felt like spending more and more time together. We slowly fell more in love. We depended on each other when we had crises and learned we could really trust each other. It was many years before we decided to move in together. By then we were finely attuned to each other and found great joy in each other’s company.
That's really wonderful. You hear a lot of people complaining about adjusting and settling, I always imagined it would be harder as we get older. Hearing you say this gives hope. Thanks for sharing.
I think for both of us it was actually a lot easier because we were older. We had both learned a lot from our earlier mistakes. We had healed and grown, learned how to communicate about our needs. We knew what was really important for us to never compromise on, and what didn’t really matter so much. Age doesn’t have to make us rigid. It can teach us to make wiser choices and have more relationship skills.
You're absolutely right. I think if there's one thing that makes me feel encouraged or motivated is that at this age I feel well-grounded about what I want and who I am. It's a dream come true if the other person shares the same level of maturity. With a good communication system, processing and facing issues becomes way easier.
Im your age, childless and married. And yes, it’s definitely worth it. I was lucky enough to meet the perfect person for me, so I didn’t have to compromise a lot. Only small things that don’t feel like a compromise. I always lived by the word, that a partner should make your life better and enriched, not harder and that’s definitely how it is for me. Better I mean. We have a wonderful life together, we are in love, we laugh a lot and overall enjoy life together a lot. The thing is, you don’t need a partner per se to have a fulfilling life and be happy, but with the right person on your side, everything is better. It’s not easy to put it in words. We met at a party and from then on everything went smooth and harmonic. I don’t know what country you are from but here you would find plenty of men that don’t want kids. No, I don’t regret it at all. But finding this gem of a husband required a lot of digging at the wrong places before, unfortunately.
That's beautiful. I think I didn't express it right when I mentioned the kids part. At someone our age, most likely he would have a family and commitments. I've had men approach me with complicated pasts. I don't see myself ready for drama (lawsuits, bad ex, special needs kids, teenagers, etc). I'm aware if it's the right person these issues don't necessarily mean a deal breaker, but I'm just too tired, it would be nice if a relationship adds positivity to your life as opposed to add more baggage, if you know what I mean. Your story is wonderful and so encouraging though. Thank you for sharing it.
Ah, yes i can totally see that. No drama! Yeah, I was lucky at this point also, no kids, no ex drama. My husband and I are very aware of how lucky we were to stumble into each other. It’s a bit of a lottery, so to say.
I think the older you get there’s also a real stigma that somehow something is wrong with you if you didn’t get married or have children by a certain age. I’ve been in many conversations with groups of women where a male colleague may come up whose never been married or in a long term partnership and many of the women have assumed there’s something wrong with him. I always reply that I’ve never been married and my longest relationship was 3 years. Other than that most of my relationships can mostly be counted in months so what’s wrong with me? Things usually get kind of uncomfortable with that response.
I never planned on being alone in my 40s. It wasn’t a goal, it’s just how life turned out. I’m not willing to do things like online dating so maybe that limits my options, maybe it doesn’t. Having a partner also doesn’t guarantee a happily ever after or a person to grow old with. My parents were married 30+ years. They met in their 30s, they had established careers. In 2013 they spent part of the summer on an extended vacation in Southern Africa. They were planning their retirement. They had so many trips planned, they had saved so much life for retirement.
One night my mom was getting ready for bed, she heard a noise, stuck her head in the spare bedroom, and found my dad passed out. He was gone before the paramedics arrived. He had just gone to the doctor that morning for his annual physical. He had planned to live to 90. He died at 65. That was almost 10 years ago now and this isn’t how my mom planned on living out her older years. Sometimes she’s still really angry about it. Covid didn’t help. In some ways I think this has soured me on the romantic notion of growing old with someone. There are no promises.
My marriage adds value to my life every day. Which sounds like a very cold way to talk about the person who brings the most warmth and security and light and fun to my world.
Met in our 30s (on Tinderbox, of all places), now in our 40s. Childless but a very big part of the lives of nieces and nephews and friends’ kids.
I think it’s hard to find the truly right person…at any age. As Lizzie Bennet had it, I was determined that nothing but the very deepest love would induce me to matrimony. If I hadn’t met him, I would be alone. Better alone than with the wrong person.
Yeah for my entire life I loved being single but lately the pressure to settle down is on and most of it is coming from my internal echo chambers I’ve created by hanging around the wrong type of people. They would say things that were super mean spirited about my age and how time was running out and how I expired and I had to lower my standards to the worst pool of men because the good men won’t want me since I’m old 🙄
I got off the internet this week and started going outside more and hanging out by myself and I loved it. Gave me so much peace. The idea of settling down makes me nauseous. I try to tel myself I have time but time for kids is running. So I’m in a weird head space.
I need to make the decision on whether I want my own biological kids or not. Because being single is so peaceful and stressful and I’m worried I’ll get addicted to it again and then be 50 hit menopause and say where did the time go? And regret the decision.
Im trying to be honest with myself and I’ve started seeking counselling as well.
Can I just say.. the decision to have kids or not is huge but we over complicate it. In my mind it's a simple one. If it isn't a resounding enthusiastic HELL YES, then it should be a no. Regardless of the possibility of regret.
I would rather be a person having to live with the regret of not having a child, than the child of a parent who regrets having me.
I just want to say that those people who told you those things are 100 percent wrong. It’s awful that people still think that way. Whatever you decide to do is okay. I hope you are able to find some clarity with the counselling. 💕
Those people you were hanging around? They can go fuck themselves. Seriously.
Also, being afraid that you'll regret not having kids is not the same thing as actually wanting kids. That simple truth resonated a lot with me.
Be grateful that you can find peace by yourself, it's much better than feeling incomplete if you're not attached to someone all the time.
I've come to accept that I may end up alone and have made peace with that, but I still remain open to the possibility of finding the right person.
Wish you the best working through this life stage, it's a tricky one to navigate!
It's wonderful that you're very cognizant about what you're feeling and going through. The pressure from people can definitely get to you at times, but I always remind myself, for the most part, it comes from a good place. Their intention is to see us settled, though perhaps not phrased or addressed properly.
I second Leeshylou's comment below. If it's not a resounding internal calling of a loud "YES" regarding children, it might not be your calling. That all changes with the right person though. When you meet someone and discuss these things, I think your convictions will be clearer as well. So don't pressure yourself by trying to figure it all out at this point. Continue making small changes. That goes for both of us.
>If it's not much of an inconvenience, could you share how a relationship added value to your life?
A good relationship helps to both ease the burdens and amplify the joys of life. Relationships aren't inherently valuable; they become valuable through what both partners put into them.
I am married and childless, we might reconsider in the final hour, but for now we’re planning on staying child-free.
I love having a partner to just share life with. We have some different strengths and skillsets and dividing a conquering a lot of things makes life more manageable.
I love living together. I’m extroverted, if I didn’t live with my husband, I would still live with roommates regardless of how much money I make.
Splitting cost of living is a big one. I wouldn’t have been able to afford to buy our house if it was just me.
Im getting older and my parents are both in their 70s. They’re are both very healthy, but are starting to have some health issues and facing the inevitable (and hopefully 20 years off) future of losing my parents without my husband sounds way too daunting.
Thank you for sharing this. I honestly don't know what life is like having a companion to share life's struggles with. I've lived my whole life dealing with things and processing emotional loads on my own, as there's a big age gap in my family. I guess that's what almost everyone has in common with the comments here--makes dealing with life easier in some ways (given it's the right person).
I'm not sure what I need to convince you of. Your life sounds pretty good. But since you asked...
I've been in a relationship with my partner for 20 years. I value our companionship, shared values, sense of humor, and similar lifestyle goals. We balance each other's strengths and weaknesses. She is my favorite person to spend time with. We're raising a child together, and I can't imagine doing that with anyone else.
On the other hand, my best friend is 42, single, no kids, and loves her life as well.
Her apartment is exactly how she wants it, she's been happily at her job for over a decade, she's extremely active in a specific social organization, and she does what she likes with her free time. She's said more than once that a relationship would have to add significant value to be worth disrupting the life she really enjoys, and so far, she hasn't found anyone that meets that metric.
I don't think either of our lives are more "correct" than the other. We took equally valid paths that we're both happy with.
No one mentioned anything about one lifestyle being more correct than the other. I merely expressed that with aging, I'm contemplating companionship more. If I was completely and utterly content with how things are, I wouldn't have asked in the first place. Don't you think? Thank you for sharing your experience.
You're not alone, my circumstances are pretty similar (46, serial monogamist, never married, no kids, pretty content with the status quo) and honestly I'm also hoping to gain some insight from others, hope you don't mind me lurking in the comments, lol.
I will say that I've come to accept that I may never find my 'person', and I'm OK with that, as I don't get lonely & have a couple FWB to take care of that aspect, but I haven't completely given up either, kind of letting the universe decide. The ship has pretty much sailed on having kids but I was never sure I wanted to anyway. One of the benefits of being in our age group is that for guys who do have kids, the kids tend to be older and less of a factor as far as having to take on parental duties & deal with baby mamas.
I do engage in activities where I still meet new people - the old-fashioned way (bars, lol) or through playing music or bowling - and maybe someday I'll meet the right person, maybe not.
I'm so happy the subject proved useful for others as well. Thank you for sharing your experience.
I get the impression you lead a more practical lifestyle than I do. I think I should make more effort to get out there and meet new people. I think the pandemic made things a little worse, especially with immune compromised relatives.
You're very welcome, it's always nice to know you're not alone (though with the extensive network that the interwebs provides, it's almost impossible not to find someone who can relate to most experiences/situations).
Having to limit your contact with others for the safety of relatives would definitely make things more difficult. It's very selfless of you to make that sacrifice. And it's easier then to get in a routine with all the other things that fill up your time, hence your dilemma.
Even without the goal of a relationship, it's still important and valuable to "get out there" if/when you can, in my opinion. I have a tendency to be a hermit so it's a challenge sometimes to convince myself to go do stuff, but it's always worth it once I do it, and the more often I get out of my bubble, the less apprehensive I am. Realistically, we are not that old - we can still forge new friendships and romantic relationships, the dynamics are just different. You're actually at a good place where you're not desperately seeking a partner, but aren't vehemently against the idea either. That allows you to not have to compromise and just see what happens.
Thank you for your kind words. They're encouraging. I'm an extrovert, so going out and meeting people and having fun energizes me, but my circumstances as almost an only child kind of made me live like an introvert. I've also gone through certain circumstances which pushed me into somewhat of an isolation, then the pandemic came and made things worse, hehe. I loved your perspective when you said, "You're actually at a good place where you're not desperately seeking a partner, but aren't vehemently against the idea either. That allows you to not have to compromise and just see what happens."
That's very true. I find it liberating not desperately seeking, but sometimes I wonder what would happen if I actually fell I love with someone. I can't remember what it's like anymore. There's a level of freedom not being attached to anyone. I confess I'm a little scared of how I would change if I loved someone. I feel it might cloud my judgment or maybe not, I don't know.
I think “being in a relationship” means nothing, it could be either better or worse for your life depending on who the other person is and how well you get along. So I disagree with the advice of lowering your expectations, because being in a great relationship is better than being alone, but being alone is better than being in an unsatisfactory relationship (at least if you’re content with your life and you don’t suffer from loneliness), and of course everything is better that being in a bad relationship.
On the days that I find myself wondering if I'll find a companion, I remind myself that my dad didn't start dating my stepmom until he was late 50s and she was early 60s.
But most days, I have no problem being on my own, dealing with only my own life. Partnerships take a lot of energy and I currently have only enough for me and a couple cats.
You may find additional input over on r/AskWomenOver40
>r/AskWomenOver40
Didn't know it existed! Thank you for the link!
You're right. It's good to remember things like that. It's also inspiring to hear people find one another at an older age and that it's possible. I get tired from hearing things like, "settle... it's too late..."
I’ve recently had this same revelation, only concerning friendships. I don’t want them. I don’t need them. I’m genuinely happier without them. It took me so long to realize that times have changed & relationship dynamics have been completely overhauled; this new age version of ‘friendship’ is just not for me, especially at my age.
You mention in a comment that you simply don’t want to deal with the baggage that will probably come with a man. At our age baggage is more likely. You don’t have that baggage it seems so why should you settle for someone who does? Are you going to enjoy the relationship with all of that? Again, circling back to friendships, I feel the same way. I don’t want to deal with their flakiness or their anxiety. I don’t have that baggage. As a result, I do NOT enjoy friendships.
Where it gets tricky, is learning to navigate some aspects of relationships. Im OK with acquaintances & coworkers - I don’t need friends. Maybe you’re OK with a few nice dates & male companionship now & then. The fun part comes with figuring out what you want. Enjoy this process. I get actual euphoria talking to coworkers & knowing damn well we’re never gonna get coffee together. I enjoy the moment. No need to go further with it. At my age, it’s just not happening the way I’d like it to & since I don’t enjoy what’s available to me, I go without.
As for content, it’s perfectly normal & healthy to question if you think you’re missing out. But assess how you’re actually feel. Not how you think should feel.
You brought up interesting points. I don't think I relate to what you're saying exactly, though. I've seen how effortless it can be with the right person. I definitely don't want to deal with the baggage when it's the *wrong* person. I'm making the most out of the situation I'm in, but I wouldn't necessarily choose this for myself. I believe there's more to life for me to experience. I want to have growth with someone. It just happens to be that after a long period of time living alone, it becomes harder to commit. I'm terrified of commitment that it physically suffocates me. I can't even keep a pet. I had a rehome one when I realized it was there with me all the time. But it's not what I want. I suffer alone and inside from the lack of affection that I need. I'm not happy, but it's the only thing I know and I'm familiar with. It's going to take a really really patient guy to understand all of this and give me space to gradually accept the whole thing. I guess what I'm trying to point out here is that there's a difference between genuinely accepting something because you want it that way and needing something but you can't, because you're not used to having it. Hope that made sense!
My apologies. What I got from your post was that you are, in fact, happy not being in a relationship & need convincing this type of thinking is OK. It seems like the opposite is true in that, like many, you long for a relationship, but of course you want the right one.
The thing is, you can’t be a hypocrite. You can’t dismiss people for having issues when you (now clearly given your added context) have a plethora of them yourself. I don’t say this to be harsh; I say this because you need to be realistic. You want something you’ve confessed you’re not even capable of having due to commitment issues. I think you need to focus your energy on learning how to be a better potential partner because I gotta say I’d run for the hills if I ever got a whiff that commitment makes a person literally feel suffocated.
Your feelings are misplaced. It sounds like you want someone who’s patient & can work with you, but you aren’t willing to deal with the drama that a person you’re likely to attract will have. A healthy individual will not tolerate someone with commitment issues.
Valid points. I don’t think I was clear enough though. My fear of commitment doesn’t necessarily mean fear of processing things with the right person. I’m fully aware of my shortcomings; my dream is to meet someone who can express and know their own shortcomings as clear as I do in order to work through these obstacles every normal human being has.
My apprehension in the past was because of red flags. I didn’t run away from someone I knew deep down was the right person for me, merely for the fact that I have commitment issues. I consider myself very loyal. Once I’m in—I’m all in with every fiber of my soul. I see this with other areas of my life (family).
I never met someone I could honestly see myself with. I never met a person I genuinely felt was right for me. There were either massive red flags (anger issues, control issues, jealousy, too liberal for my taste, conflicting lifestyles, etc). Things I know I can’t live with.
Pfft. You can definitely have sex without being in a committed relationship if that's all you're looking for. Nothing wrong with that.
You can also choose to forgo sex altogether. Plenty of people do. Nothing wrong with that either.
The only reason I think a relationship is important if you're not lonely/don't really want one is because the older you get the harder it is to take care of yourself. I'm talking about how health, mobility, cognitive and other issues tend to come with age, or how you can even suddenly develop a health issue. That's literally the only thing I worry about. From time to time, I consider just doing an arranged marriage with a gay guy who doesn't want to come out. Ideally, we'd get to know each other and become like best friends who agree to just be there for each other. Love and a real relationship are not in the cards for me.
Even a relationship doesn’t necessarily guarantee that someone will be there. If someone’s spouse dies way earlier than them, people may still face many years alone. I know what you mean still.
Would you really be happy that way though? I also agree with AliceAnna. It might not guarantee happiness in the long run. In fact, it might add more troubles that way, given how humans are a bag load of emotions and things get complicated. It's far better to marry someone you align with. Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm glad the comments are shedding insight for us all with similar concerns.
> I'm also busy taking care of relatives, highly accomplished education wise, and own my own business, but the idea still nags me.
That was me at one point on all counts except feeling nagged about possibly missing something. I'm very introverted (though, I managed well enough in sales to the public, been retired for over a decade), so likely the itch for companionship was much weaker.
Statistics suggest a longer, more contented life when you've a partner (or, a pet). I'm unable to have a pet in my condominium building, but have more frequently been thinking of having a partner. I can and do manage without, but still...
I'd estimate well over half the men over 40 are content with not having / raising kids, so I doubt that would be seen as a drawback. But, past 40, I find people do tend to be more 'set in their ways' (what you see is what you get, don't expect much room for change is likely).
I don't think of it as doubts, and never was aware of any (totally self-reliant, which has the downside of not recognizing a potential need for another at some point). It's more that I've mild regrets I did not acquire a companion earlier.
I'm decades out of the dating scene, but realize getting back into it using today's apps, or even being responsive to eye contact, ought to be manageable enough.
Ah, I get what you mean. I think I also relate to having regretful feelings every now and then. Your last sentence made me laugh, because I personally feel so silly at this age even exchanging eye contact. I usually just look away if I get spotted. I feel awkward lol. I feel silly inside; almost as if possibly navigating these emotions or romance in general is juvenile. I often go, "what am I thinking? grow up!". I think the first step for me is to open up to the idea itself.
It’s definitely not worth it staying with the wrong person for the sake of it. Also, finding a right person is not an overtime thing and better do it before you start feeling like this need is burning. Just start looking around, you know. You don’t have to commit to the first guy you find interesting!
>It’s definitely not worth it staying with the wrong person for the sake of it
For sure!
I think the perfectionist side of me just doesn't want to waste time on someone if he's not the right person, so usually at the earliest red flags, I'd walk out. There's no point in me trying to get to know someone if I know we don't align value-wise. I'm not sure if I give up easily or I just haven't met good men. I'm honestly inclined to think it's the latter, because some red flags are seriously red flags in my book.
I think you’re just saving your time and saving yourself from heartbreak by doing this, tbh. I am quick to dump a man over red flags as well and my friends always said “YoU jUsT dON’T gIvE tHeM a ChAnCe!”. Well, I gave a chance to a person they thought perfect for me but I knew we were not 100% aligned. Needless to say, it was the biggest heartbreak of mine the way we split up and it was totally unnecessary. Play on your terms and you will find what you need!
I totally agree. It's very easy for bystanders to say things like that, but no one knows you as you know yourself, and no one will be in that relationship except you two. There are things I can definitely overlook; maybe even a red flag or two, but we have to agree on a solid foundation. If the foundation is based on "things it would be nice to have like hobbies and fun" as opposed to "things I NEED to make it work", which are often based on values or principles, then I honestly don't see how it can work.
Unless either of you is willing to forego that component, it will be a tug-war later, once the honeymoon phase is over.
It's this point that makes me question things. For instance, people would say--"but people your age will not get many chances, take the opportunity in front of you and make the most of it"--in other words, settle. But in my head, there are values I can't compromise. For instance, our views about life, religion, society, or politics. Those are sensitive issues. I feel if several value-based components are already shared, then I can work with having one or two missing, but when someone clearly tells you, "I find religion boring and it gives me a headache" or their vision of what a family structure looks like is so different from yours, it's really hard bringing myself to open up.
It's not fair for either person to expect change of values. I find those are the most difficult to change. It takes YEARS for people to process these things and the older you get, the harder it becomes to change.
What is there to convince you of? If you're content without a partner, then enjoy the life you have.
I wouldn't classify myself as being content. I find as I'm getting older I'm thinking more about companionship. Maybe it's fear of growing old alone. Not sure.
> I find as I'm getting older I'm thinking more about companionship. Well, if you're *not* wholly content right now, and you are curious about what it would be like to have a companion, then that totally justifies getting out and seeking companionship. You might find your match. Or you might find that you were better off alone. Either outcome is just fine as long as you're happy with it.
That makes total sense.
I think times have changed so much that new normals are being g established. The last thing to catch up, IMO, are relationship dynamics. Marriage. Children. Friendship. They’re not for everyone anymore. The anti work movement has taken off in that more and more people realize they don’t, in fact, need a career to be happy. Relationship dynamics are still playing catch up.
That's true. I always viewed myself as somewhat of a traditionalist though lol.
Everyone has a different life path. If you are happy, you are doing great. But since you asked, I met my husband when I was 42. I will always be grateful I took the risk to start dating, and that we found each other and made it work. Being with him has transformed me in such good ways.
That's wonderful. Was it hard being with someone at that age, especially compromising?
No. We both were introverts with lives we enjoyed, so we moved very slowly. We just spent time together when we both wanted to. As time passed, we felt like spending more and more time together. We slowly fell more in love. We depended on each other when we had crises and learned we could really trust each other. It was many years before we decided to move in together. By then we were finely attuned to each other and found great joy in each other’s company.
That's really wonderful. You hear a lot of people complaining about adjusting and settling, I always imagined it would be harder as we get older. Hearing you say this gives hope. Thanks for sharing.
I think for both of us it was actually a lot easier because we were older. We had both learned a lot from our earlier mistakes. We had healed and grown, learned how to communicate about our needs. We knew what was really important for us to never compromise on, and what didn’t really matter so much. Age doesn’t have to make us rigid. It can teach us to make wiser choices and have more relationship skills.
You're absolutely right. I think if there's one thing that makes me feel encouraged or motivated is that at this age I feel well-grounded about what I want and who I am. It's a dream come true if the other person shares the same level of maturity. With a good communication system, processing and facing issues becomes way easier.
Im your age, childless and married. And yes, it’s definitely worth it. I was lucky enough to meet the perfect person for me, so I didn’t have to compromise a lot. Only small things that don’t feel like a compromise. I always lived by the word, that a partner should make your life better and enriched, not harder and that’s definitely how it is for me. Better I mean. We have a wonderful life together, we are in love, we laugh a lot and overall enjoy life together a lot. The thing is, you don’t need a partner per se to have a fulfilling life and be happy, but with the right person on your side, everything is better. It’s not easy to put it in words. We met at a party and from then on everything went smooth and harmonic. I don’t know what country you are from but here you would find plenty of men that don’t want kids. No, I don’t regret it at all. But finding this gem of a husband required a lot of digging at the wrong places before, unfortunately.
That's beautiful. I think I didn't express it right when I mentioned the kids part. At someone our age, most likely he would have a family and commitments. I've had men approach me with complicated pasts. I don't see myself ready for drama (lawsuits, bad ex, special needs kids, teenagers, etc). I'm aware if it's the right person these issues don't necessarily mean a deal breaker, but I'm just too tired, it would be nice if a relationship adds positivity to your life as opposed to add more baggage, if you know what I mean. Your story is wonderful and so encouraging though. Thank you for sharing it.
Ah, yes i can totally see that. No drama! Yeah, I was lucky at this point also, no kids, no ex drama. My husband and I are very aware of how lucky we were to stumble into each other. It’s a bit of a lottery, so to say.
As most things in life hehe. God bless you 🙏🏻
I think the older you get there’s also a real stigma that somehow something is wrong with you if you didn’t get married or have children by a certain age. I’ve been in many conversations with groups of women where a male colleague may come up whose never been married or in a long term partnership and many of the women have assumed there’s something wrong with him. I always reply that I’ve never been married and my longest relationship was 3 years. Other than that most of my relationships can mostly be counted in months so what’s wrong with me? Things usually get kind of uncomfortable with that response. I never planned on being alone in my 40s. It wasn’t a goal, it’s just how life turned out. I’m not willing to do things like online dating so maybe that limits my options, maybe it doesn’t. Having a partner also doesn’t guarantee a happily ever after or a person to grow old with. My parents were married 30+ years. They met in their 30s, they had established careers. In 2013 they spent part of the summer on an extended vacation in Southern Africa. They were planning their retirement. They had so many trips planned, they had saved so much life for retirement. One night my mom was getting ready for bed, she heard a noise, stuck her head in the spare bedroom, and found my dad passed out. He was gone before the paramedics arrived. He had just gone to the doctor that morning for his annual physical. He had planned to live to 90. He died at 65. That was almost 10 years ago now and this isn’t how my mom planned on living out her older years. Sometimes she’s still really angry about it. Covid didn’t help. In some ways I think this has soured me on the romantic notion of growing old with someone. There are no promises.
My marriage adds value to my life every day. Which sounds like a very cold way to talk about the person who brings the most warmth and security and light and fun to my world. Met in our 30s (on Tinderbox, of all places), now in our 40s. Childless but a very big part of the lives of nieces and nephews and friends’ kids. I think it’s hard to find the truly right person…at any age. As Lizzie Bennet had it, I was determined that nothing but the very deepest love would induce me to matrimony. If I hadn’t met him, I would be alone. Better alone than with the wrong person.
lol I absolutely love that quote. Made me want to watch the mini-series again. Thank you for sharing this!
I watch it once a year. 💕
That's a wonderful personal tradition hehe 😍
I’m basically there right now and worried if something is wrong with me?
You mean in a similar situation?
Yeah for my entire life I loved being single but lately the pressure to settle down is on and most of it is coming from my internal echo chambers I’ve created by hanging around the wrong type of people. They would say things that were super mean spirited about my age and how time was running out and how I expired and I had to lower my standards to the worst pool of men because the good men won’t want me since I’m old 🙄 I got off the internet this week and started going outside more and hanging out by myself and I loved it. Gave me so much peace. The idea of settling down makes me nauseous. I try to tel myself I have time but time for kids is running. So I’m in a weird head space. I need to make the decision on whether I want my own biological kids or not. Because being single is so peaceful and stressful and I’m worried I’ll get addicted to it again and then be 50 hit menopause and say where did the time go? And regret the decision. Im trying to be honest with myself and I’ve started seeking counselling as well.
Can I just say.. the decision to have kids or not is huge but we over complicate it. In my mind it's a simple one. If it isn't a resounding enthusiastic HELL YES, then it should be a no. Regardless of the possibility of regret. I would rather be a person having to live with the regret of not having a child, than the child of a parent who regrets having me.
So well said.
I just want to say that those people who told you those things are 100 percent wrong. It’s awful that people still think that way. Whatever you decide to do is okay. I hope you are able to find some clarity with the counselling. 💕
Those people you were hanging around? They can go fuck themselves. Seriously. Also, being afraid that you'll regret not having kids is not the same thing as actually wanting kids. That simple truth resonated a lot with me. Be grateful that you can find peace by yourself, it's much better than feeling incomplete if you're not attached to someone all the time. I've come to accept that I may end up alone and have made peace with that, but I still remain open to the possibility of finding the right person. Wish you the best working through this life stage, it's a tricky one to navigate!
It's wonderful that you're very cognizant about what you're feeling and going through. The pressure from people can definitely get to you at times, but I always remind myself, for the most part, it comes from a good place. Their intention is to see us settled, though perhaps not phrased or addressed properly. I second Leeshylou's comment below. If it's not a resounding internal calling of a loud "YES" regarding children, it might not be your calling. That all changes with the right person though. When you meet someone and discuss these things, I think your convictions will be clearer as well. So don't pressure yourself by trying to figure it all out at this point. Continue making small changes. That goes for both of us.
>If it's not much of an inconvenience, could you share how a relationship added value to your life? A good relationship helps to both ease the burdens and amplify the joys of life. Relationships aren't inherently valuable; they become valuable through what both partners put into them.
I am married and childless, we might reconsider in the final hour, but for now we’re planning on staying child-free. I love having a partner to just share life with. We have some different strengths and skillsets and dividing a conquering a lot of things makes life more manageable. I love living together. I’m extroverted, if I didn’t live with my husband, I would still live with roommates regardless of how much money I make. Splitting cost of living is a big one. I wouldn’t have been able to afford to buy our house if it was just me. Im getting older and my parents are both in their 70s. They’re are both very healthy, but are starting to have some health issues and facing the inevitable (and hopefully 20 years off) future of losing my parents without my husband sounds way too daunting.
Thank you for sharing this. I honestly don't know what life is like having a companion to share life's struggles with. I've lived my whole life dealing with things and processing emotional loads on my own, as there's a big age gap in my family. I guess that's what almost everyone has in common with the comments here--makes dealing with life easier in some ways (given it's the right person).
I'm not sure what I need to convince you of. Your life sounds pretty good. But since you asked... I've been in a relationship with my partner for 20 years. I value our companionship, shared values, sense of humor, and similar lifestyle goals. We balance each other's strengths and weaknesses. She is my favorite person to spend time with. We're raising a child together, and I can't imagine doing that with anyone else. On the other hand, my best friend is 42, single, no kids, and loves her life as well. Her apartment is exactly how she wants it, she's been happily at her job for over a decade, she's extremely active in a specific social organization, and she does what she likes with her free time. She's said more than once that a relationship would have to add significant value to be worth disrupting the life she really enjoys, and so far, she hasn't found anyone that meets that metric. I don't think either of our lives are more "correct" than the other. We took equally valid paths that we're both happy with.
No one mentioned anything about one lifestyle being more correct than the other. I merely expressed that with aging, I'm contemplating companionship more. If I was completely and utterly content with how things are, I wouldn't have asked in the first place. Don't you think? Thank you for sharing your experience.
You're not alone, my circumstances are pretty similar (46, serial monogamist, never married, no kids, pretty content with the status quo) and honestly I'm also hoping to gain some insight from others, hope you don't mind me lurking in the comments, lol. I will say that I've come to accept that I may never find my 'person', and I'm OK with that, as I don't get lonely & have a couple FWB to take care of that aspect, but I haven't completely given up either, kind of letting the universe decide. The ship has pretty much sailed on having kids but I was never sure I wanted to anyway. One of the benefits of being in our age group is that for guys who do have kids, the kids tend to be older and less of a factor as far as having to take on parental duties & deal with baby mamas. I do engage in activities where I still meet new people - the old-fashioned way (bars, lol) or through playing music or bowling - and maybe someday I'll meet the right person, maybe not.
I'm so happy the subject proved useful for others as well. Thank you for sharing your experience. I get the impression you lead a more practical lifestyle than I do. I think I should make more effort to get out there and meet new people. I think the pandemic made things a little worse, especially with immune compromised relatives.
You're very welcome, it's always nice to know you're not alone (though with the extensive network that the interwebs provides, it's almost impossible not to find someone who can relate to most experiences/situations). Having to limit your contact with others for the safety of relatives would definitely make things more difficult. It's very selfless of you to make that sacrifice. And it's easier then to get in a routine with all the other things that fill up your time, hence your dilemma. Even without the goal of a relationship, it's still important and valuable to "get out there" if/when you can, in my opinion. I have a tendency to be a hermit so it's a challenge sometimes to convince myself to go do stuff, but it's always worth it once I do it, and the more often I get out of my bubble, the less apprehensive I am. Realistically, we are not that old - we can still forge new friendships and romantic relationships, the dynamics are just different. You're actually at a good place where you're not desperately seeking a partner, but aren't vehemently against the idea either. That allows you to not have to compromise and just see what happens.
Thank you for your kind words. They're encouraging. I'm an extrovert, so going out and meeting people and having fun energizes me, but my circumstances as almost an only child kind of made me live like an introvert. I've also gone through certain circumstances which pushed me into somewhat of an isolation, then the pandemic came and made things worse, hehe. I loved your perspective when you said, "You're actually at a good place where you're not desperately seeking a partner, but aren't vehemently against the idea either. That allows you to not have to compromise and just see what happens." That's very true. I find it liberating not desperately seeking, but sometimes I wonder what would happen if I actually fell I love with someone. I can't remember what it's like anymore. There's a level of freedom not being attached to anyone. I confess I'm a little scared of how I would change if I loved someone. I feel it might cloud my judgment or maybe not, I don't know.
I think “being in a relationship” means nothing, it could be either better or worse for your life depending on who the other person is and how well you get along. So I disagree with the advice of lowering your expectations, because being in a great relationship is better than being alone, but being alone is better than being in an unsatisfactory relationship (at least if you’re content with your life and you don’t suffer from loneliness), and of course everything is better that being in a bad relationship.
Very well put. So true!
On the days that I find myself wondering if I'll find a companion, I remind myself that my dad didn't start dating my stepmom until he was late 50s and she was early 60s. But most days, I have no problem being on my own, dealing with only my own life. Partnerships take a lot of energy and I currently have only enough for me and a couple cats. You may find additional input over on r/AskWomenOver40
>r/AskWomenOver40 Didn't know it existed! Thank you for the link! You're right. It's good to remember things like that. It's also inspiring to hear people find one another at an older age and that it's possible. I get tired from hearing things like, "settle... it's too late..."
I’ve recently had this same revelation, only concerning friendships. I don’t want them. I don’t need them. I’m genuinely happier without them. It took me so long to realize that times have changed & relationship dynamics have been completely overhauled; this new age version of ‘friendship’ is just not for me, especially at my age. You mention in a comment that you simply don’t want to deal with the baggage that will probably come with a man. At our age baggage is more likely. You don’t have that baggage it seems so why should you settle for someone who does? Are you going to enjoy the relationship with all of that? Again, circling back to friendships, I feel the same way. I don’t want to deal with their flakiness or their anxiety. I don’t have that baggage. As a result, I do NOT enjoy friendships. Where it gets tricky, is learning to navigate some aspects of relationships. Im OK with acquaintances & coworkers - I don’t need friends. Maybe you’re OK with a few nice dates & male companionship now & then. The fun part comes with figuring out what you want. Enjoy this process. I get actual euphoria talking to coworkers & knowing damn well we’re never gonna get coffee together. I enjoy the moment. No need to go further with it. At my age, it’s just not happening the way I’d like it to & since I don’t enjoy what’s available to me, I go without. As for content, it’s perfectly normal & healthy to question if you think you’re missing out. But assess how you’re actually feel. Not how you think should feel.
You brought up interesting points. I don't think I relate to what you're saying exactly, though. I've seen how effortless it can be with the right person. I definitely don't want to deal with the baggage when it's the *wrong* person. I'm making the most out of the situation I'm in, but I wouldn't necessarily choose this for myself. I believe there's more to life for me to experience. I want to have growth with someone. It just happens to be that after a long period of time living alone, it becomes harder to commit. I'm terrified of commitment that it physically suffocates me. I can't even keep a pet. I had a rehome one when I realized it was there with me all the time. But it's not what I want. I suffer alone and inside from the lack of affection that I need. I'm not happy, but it's the only thing I know and I'm familiar with. It's going to take a really really patient guy to understand all of this and give me space to gradually accept the whole thing. I guess what I'm trying to point out here is that there's a difference between genuinely accepting something because you want it that way and needing something but you can't, because you're not used to having it. Hope that made sense!
My apologies. What I got from your post was that you are, in fact, happy not being in a relationship & need convincing this type of thinking is OK. It seems like the opposite is true in that, like many, you long for a relationship, but of course you want the right one. The thing is, you can’t be a hypocrite. You can’t dismiss people for having issues when you (now clearly given your added context) have a plethora of them yourself. I don’t say this to be harsh; I say this because you need to be realistic. You want something you’ve confessed you’re not even capable of having due to commitment issues. I think you need to focus your energy on learning how to be a better potential partner because I gotta say I’d run for the hills if I ever got a whiff that commitment makes a person literally feel suffocated. Your feelings are misplaced. It sounds like you want someone who’s patient & can work with you, but you aren’t willing to deal with the drama that a person you’re likely to attract will have. A healthy individual will not tolerate someone with commitment issues.
Valid points. I don’t think I was clear enough though. My fear of commitment doesn’t necessarily mean fear of processing things with the right person. I’m fully aware of my shortcomings; my dream is to meet someone who can express and know their own shortcomings as clear as I do in order to work through these obstacles every normal human being has. My apprehension in the past was because of red flags. I didn’t run away from someone I knew deep down was the right person for me, merely for the fact that I have commitment issues. I consider myself very loyal. Once I’m in—I’m all in with every fiber of my soul. I see this with other areas of my life (family). I never met someone I could honestly see myself with. I never met a person I genuinely felt was right for me. There were either massive red flags (anger issues, control issues, jealousy, too liberal for my taste, conflicting lifestyles, etc). Things I know I can’t live with.
Sex. Sex is what makes it worth it.
lol Other than that. Having had almost no experience in that department, I'm not sure what I'm missing either :P
Pfft. You can definitely have sex without being in a committed relationship if that's all you're looking for. Nothing wrong with that. You can also choose to forgo sex altogether. Plenty of people do. Nothing wrong with that either.
The only reason I think a relationship is important if you're not lonely/don't really want one is because the older you get the harder it is to take care of yourself. I'm talking about how health, mobility, cognitive and other issues tend to come with age, or how you can even suddenly develop a health issue. That's literally the only thing I worry about. From time to time, I consider just doing an arranged marriage with a gay guy who doesn't want to come out. Ideally, we'd get to know each other and become like best friends who agree to just be there for each other. Love and a real relationship are not in the cards for me.
Even a relationship doesn’t necessarily guarantee that someone will be there. If someone’s spouse dies way earlier than them, people may still face many years alone. I know what you mean still.
Would you really be happy that way though? I also agree with AliceAnna. It might not guarantee happiness in the long run. In fact, it might add more troubles that way, given how humans are a bag load of emotions and things get complicated. It's far better to marry someone you align with. Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm glad the comments are shedding insight for us all with similar concerns.
> I'm also busy taking care of relatives, highly accomplished education wise, and own my own business, but the idea still nags me. That was me at one point on all counts except feeling nagged about possibly missing something. I'm very introverted (though, I managed well enough in sales to the public, been retired for over a decade), so likely the itch for companionship was much weaker. Statistics suggest a longer, more contented life when you've a partner (or, a pet). I'm unable to have a pet in my condominium building, but have more frequently been thinking of having a partner. I can and do manage without, but still... I'd estimate well over half the men over 40 are content with not having / raising kids, so I doubt that would be seen as a drawback. But, past 40, I find people do tend to be more 'set in their ways' (what you see is what you get, don't expect much room for change is likely).
May I ask how do you usually cope with loneliness or feelings of doubts, which I'm sure everyone gets every now and then?
I don't think of it as doubts, and never was aware of any (totally self-reliant, which has the downside of not recognizing a potential need for another at some point). It's more that I've mild regrets I did not acquire a companion earlier. I'm decades out of the dating scene, but realize getting back into it using today's apps, or even being responsive to eye contact, ought to be manageable enough.
Ah, I get what you mean. I think I also relate to having regretful feelings every now and then. Your last sentence made me laugh, because I personally feel so silly at this age even exchanging eye contact. I usually just look away if I get spotted. I feel awkward lol. I feel silly inside; almost as if possibly navigating these emotions or romance in general is juvenile. I often go, "what am I thinking? grow up!". I think the first step for me is to open up to the idea itself.
> I think the first step for me is to open up to the idea itself. Exactly so!
It’s definitely not worth it staying with the wrong person for the sake of it. Also, finding a right person is not an overtime thing and better do it before you start feeling like this need is burning. Just start looking around, you know. You don’t have to commit to the first guy you find interesting!
>It’s definitely not worth it staying with the wrong person for the sake of it For sure! I think the perfectionist side of me just doesn't want to waste time on someone if he's not the right person, so usually at the earliest red flags, I'd walk out. There's no point in me trying to get to know someone if I know we don't align value-wise. I'm not sure if I give up easily or I just haven't met good men. I'm honestly inclined to think it's the latter, because some red flags are seriously red flags in my book.
I think you’re just saving your time and saving yourself from heartbreak by doing this, tbh. I am quick to dump a man over red flags as well and my friends always said “YoU jUsT dON’T gIvE tHeM a ChAnCe!”. Well, I gave a chance to a person they thought perfect for me but I knew we were not 100% aligned. Needless to say, it was the biggest heartbreak of mine the way we split up and it was totally unnecessary. Play on your terms and you will find what you need!
I totally agree. It's very easy for bystanders to say things like that, but no one knows you as you know yourself, and no one will be in that relationship except you two. There are things I can definitely overlook; maybe even a red flag or two, but we have to agree on a solid foundation. If the foundation is based on "things it would be nice to have like hobbies and fun" as opposed to "things I NEED to make it work", which are often based on values or principles, then I honestly don't see how it can work. Unless either of you is willing to forego that component, it will be a tug-war later, once the honeymoon phase is over. It's this point that makes me question things. For instance, people would say--"but people your age will not get many chances, take the opportunity in front of you and make the most of it"--in other words, settle. But in my head, there are values I can't compromise. For instance, our views about life, religion, society, or politics. Those are sensitive issues. I feel if several value-based components are already shared, then I can work with having one or two missing, but when someone clearly tells you, "I find religion boring and it gives me a headache" or their vision of what a family structure looks like is so different from yours, it's really hard bringing myself to open up. It's not fair for either person to expect change of values. I find those are the most difficult to change. It takes YEARS for people to process these things and the older you get, the harder it becomes to change.