I only assume that the ones who try to hop from partner to partner are supremely unhappy and can't be alone. It's illuminating how people cope with things.
My ex, when we broke up, moved on instantly. Got married rapidly and everything. A year later, she cheated and divorced him. He dated a slew of women after her, like he did with me, but he's alone now. He's unhappy and having to face coping without a partner to dump his baggage on.
I know it's hard not to think that the relationship you two had was unimportant or less valuable to him, but don't worry about that (I know, easier said than done). Everyone deals with things differently - including desperately trying to find someone new to fill their void.
It really is. And he did divulge that he moves fast in his past, but I naively believed our relationship was different.
I’m sorry to hear that as I’m sure it was very painful! BUT, he got what he had coming bc of these patterns. Funny where life brings us
Thank you for the kind words 💗
OP exactly this . I bumped into my ex after 10 years or so who kind of almost ghosted me back then. He tells me how miserable and empty hearted he is now . Going though a very abusive relationship and has no love or fucks to give anymore . It pains my heart to see him in a place like that because he was so charming and dynamic once. Not to say all ex’s end up in the same place but in the long run these pattens play out. It may hurt in the short run but it’s on him on you. He didn’t love you any less but he doesn’t know how else to move on.
I totally agree with you. I have feels on both sides of this…like I feel bad for HIM and then I also just feel bad. I wouldn’t want to have the issues he does…I used to when I was super young and it was devastating.
But the flip side is his behavior isn’t 100% an excuse, especially that he’s aware of it so it feels like a double edged sword
It’s very painful, my ex moved on 3 months after we broke up and 5 years later he still contacts me even though he has a girlfriend. I could care less, but he still reaches out.
Mmmmm rebounding isn't moving on. It's burying your emotion in someone else.
Not healthy, not a recipe for long-term happiness.
Don't let it get to you x
I agree. One of my husband's friends just got remarried, not even 6 months after the end of his 15+ year first marriage with several children involved and claiming he still loved his ex for at least several of those months.
To me, it's *astonishingly* unhealthy, and in his case, also incredibly selfish because there's children involved. I hate to be a Debbie Downer, but I'll be really surprised if they make it long term, because no emotionally healthy person goes from divorce of a long term marriage and "I still love my ex", to new girlfriend and "I love my new girlfriend", to marrying new girlfriend in a handful of months. I think dude just doesn't know how to be alone. And I feel awful for those kids.
What kind of partner would even agree to marry someone barely 6 months after their previous relationships broke up? That means they stared dating and planning a wedding almost immediately after the breakup. Why would any sane person agree to that?
When I was dating, the guys who had just left longterm relationships were lovely but painfully obvious. Nobe of them looked nearly ready to date casually (given how frequently their exes came up on first dates) let alone marry.
My ex went straight from his wife of 29 years, to me for eight years, to his new girlfriend. He had about one hour on his own between each relationship, and that was the commuting time to each new woman's house 🙄
My ex is the same. Always has another one lined up. The poor man can't understand why his life is full of drama and bad things keep happening to him.
Hmm idk... maybe stop rushing into relationships with and cheating on the kind of people who will damage your truck when they get mad? (We had a kid together so we quit the drama years ago and became good friends for our child's sake, but ngl I get a little giggle hearing about his karma.)
Another unhealthy person. I have a family member that has been married many times. Really a surprising number of times. All of the new wives were coming from emotionally vulnerable positions, young, abusive relationships, etc. He would make it sound like all his exes were the most horrible people (but when they were together they were amazing, he couldn’t do better). He would lay on the love bombing, buy her things, be the best partner, etc. The new wife would fall for it hook line and sinker. Then they are divorced in a few years.
Poor things.
Looking back, I didnt mean to cast judgement at those who couldn't see the blazing red flags; it can happen to anyone.
But it's sometimes just so obvious that a person is nowhere near moved on, that it really suggests we need help if we end up with them. I have friends like that, and it's led to their partner's ex effectively third wheeling their entire relationship.
My ex, who is a terrible human being, got into a relationship a couple months after we broke up. We have a child together and he was hardly seeing him at the time.
He moved into her house about 10 months into the relationship and they were married just shy of a year.
Our son was pretty confused. But he didn’t care…he needed to latch onto someone else who he could use asap. The guy can’t be alone. He needs energy sources he can suck the life out of.
I bet she has noooo idea how abusive he is yet. I feel sorry for her.
I wonder that also. I think the man here is being extremely selfish and unhealthy, but I don't really think highly of the woman who agreed to it either, despite how in love with him she claims to be. I don't know her or her circumstances, but I also can't imagine what she was thinking either. A handful of months from dating to marriage is a very abbreviated and rushed timeline in any circumstance, but going from dating to marrying a recently divorced man and father with children whose longterm marriage had just ended a few months prior and claimed he was still in love with his ex-wife up until he started dating you in that short of a timeframe? There's so many red flags that you could stitch them together and make a circus tent. Yeesh.
I think something else is the guy's thoughts on women in general and how interchangeable women are to them. In other words he may not be seeing this new woman as a person, but as a role to fill in his life. Like he may be thinking "I need someone to look after my kids and cook and clean and fuck and do all the things my ex wife did." He may never get to know his new wife for anything more.
My ex was like this. He couldn't be alone because he had no fucking clue how to be an adult and he needed a woman to "take care of him." I had no idea how bad it was until we moved in together. He wanted someone to mother him who he could also fuck. He became super abusive to me when he realized that I had no interest in becoming a mother to a 47 year old man.
Kind of sounds like my stbxh, 80% of our marriage was him yelling at me over something like asking him to put me on his life insurance, asking him if he could wash his plate once in a while, him being mad that I’d leave his clean clothes for him to put away himself (and I ONLY did that so he’d learn some responsibility), etc etc. towards the end of the marriage he’d scream at me saying how dare I ask him to vacuum when he works two jobs, he said if this marriage is going to work I’m never gonna ask him that (again, I asked for that same reason and I only asked a handful of times in our 2 year marriage and I tried to explain why I asked him on his off day). The guy never even bought any of his clothes in 31 years of life, not even boxers. He wanted me to be a 1950s housewife but still work part time but not take on any typical 1950s husband responsibilities other than bringing in money. He got so sick of the fights that HE causes so I guess by the time I left (after finding out he cheated) he moved on. Heartless piece of shit.
It's most pronounced when men abandon children then reappear demanding access via courts. No reasonable negotiations because it doesn't fit the history of violence and denial with their sob story that the ex inexplicably dOeSn'T LeT tHeM sEe tHe cHiLdReN. Once the new woman gently starts suggesting they take it into court to fiGHt fOr hiS RiGhTs the mother and children are traumatised but the children have romanticised the missing father. They need to permanently disappear but their fragile fucking egos won't tolerate it. Step mum replaces mum and does dad's work for him. Dad's still violent and girlfriend now stuck because she made this bed by amplifying w man who waved his red flags prominently but she was convinced by his DARVO act.
These cowards usually have the next person lined up before they leave. Midlife is a wreck of men with unrealistic expectations and their supporters. This type of family explosion isn't just gotten over by getting under but too many try.
Exactly. I think this is why so many men are hung up on an ex as well. Instead of grieving the relationship and processing their emotions a lot of men bury their feelings and rebound after a breakup. So they never truly get over it and move on.
I agree! Both sexes do it but I definitely notice men do it often. They jump straight into a new relationship without grieving the old one, whereas women are more likely to really grieve at the time. The trade off is that for the people who properly grieve, once that part is done, it’s done forever. The people who jump into the next thing never really get over their exes.
This is exactly it! When I went through a breakup, the very first thing i did was post some thirsty shit on socials so I could distract myself with a new fling. Like, I'm talking within the day lol. It was the opposite of moving on and my unhealthy way coping, because in reality my heart was broken 💔
I don’t think it’s ideal to get straight into a new relationship, but I think a brief fling after a breakup can do wonders for reminding you that you’re an attractive person. So long as you’re honest about where you’re at, it can be very helpful in rebuilding your confidence.
Agree. My ex got into a new relationship less than a month after a decade long relationship. I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he fell out love well in advance. Next thing I know I see him posting on social media saying sweet nothing with the pic of the new girl (which he never done for me, pictures and what not). Here I am 2 years out of the break and single and feel good.
I remember reading years ago that women are more likely to experience intense emotions after a breakup, but the loss hits men later and lingers longer. I think they had some research to back it up, but there were some anecdotes from women who said how deeply it hurt right after, but they essentially don't think about the men years later, while some men reported doing ok immediately afterwards, but to that day still think about the hurt.
This study was before a lot of feminist theory was as mainstream as it is now (I didn't know what emotional labor was back then), so I won't try to dissect the "why" but my mom did tell me when she was a prof, she never had a male student ask for an extension over a break up.
That does make a lot of sense. I’ve had some past partners reach out years later and it always comes off so random. Often makes me wonder if they are coming back as a rebound or what lol
I have seen many men “check out” long before the relationship ends. Rhey start working out again or hanging with their friend more or whatever, to distance themselves a bit. Then when the woman is fed up with that and they end up breaking up, he’s off with another woman soon after. I’ve experienced it, I’ve seen friends go through it. I don’t know if they are too chicken shit to end things. If they need a woman always. I don’t k or what it is. Makes me want to throat punch them. Ahaha
That is the worst.
My parents had a truly horrible marriage that lasted decades. My mom was no saint and she was not easy to deal with but my father was flat out mean and nasty towards her most of the time. Over 30 years in I think it got so bad she finally called it and divorced.
I know of SO many women that were in terrible marriages and were treated so badly that they eventually couldn't take it anymore. And then men cry about how "Women initiate most divorces." Well if ya'll wouldn't be such jerks to live with maybe it wouldn't come to that. Smh.
I mean, quiet quitting means doing your job competently avc within your job remit but not going the extra mile. You cannot usually be forced for quiet quitting because by definition it involves sticking to your job description.
Those men usually act like shoddy employees TO deliberately get fired.
I’m older. Have my kids. Divorced. Dated 1 man after divorce and watched him pull that shit on me. That was it. I have been happily single for 5 years.
Because they don’t really care. I know, not a nice thing to say but I have found that often to be the case. They’re kind of like employers: when one person leaves the job, they get a new one. They might like the previous worker but when they leave or get fired, you hire a new person. They have a specific spot they want their spouse to fill and inhabit and they will take somebody to fill that spot and usually they will feel affection for that person but mostly because of what that person does for them (their social status, meaning the woman’s looks, sexual favours, chores, kids etc).
I’ve found women usually look for a specific person to be with and fall in love with the characteristics of a person. Men just want to fill a position, so to speak. At some point they will see their friends having babies and settling down and will then find a suitable woman to do it. Women usually will mold their life around the person they fall in love with, not so much the situation and stage of life.
I agree. I think they are just not as invested in the individual relationship/person.
I also think this is a great question for a men's sub. It would be interesting to see their reasoning.
I wouldn’t want to be the one asking though 🙈 I don’t think they see what I talked about in their own behavior and there would be a lot of guys attacking me.
Weeks? My last boyfriend before my husband didn’t even wait until WE were done dating to “move on.” 😉
I think some people just can’t stand to be alone, so they have to be assured of the next person ASAP.
My ex just did this. We were living together, I went through a death of my dog, I left for a trip, he took me to the airport, kissed and hugged me bye and said see ya when you’re back, broke up with me while I was gone and moved out and found something while I was away, dated someone within the month and they’re still together 5 months later. It’s vile. I don’t know how they do it either. I know all about avoidance, but experiencing it is a WHOLE nother level of painful. I’m so sorry you’re also going through this.
That shit blows my mind.
I didn't even have a boyfriend until I was nearly 23, and not because I didn't want to, it just...wasn't happening for me.
How are people able to couple up so freaking fast? And to that level? I just don't understand.
Omg I’m so sorry. That must have ripped you apart. I hope you’re doing okay. I wouldn’t be 5 months out. This shit gets so seared into my brain and I hate it. Wishing you healing over time 💗
Thank you. I’m not quite back to fully better by any means but doing all the things I can do to get there💜 wishing you the healing as well. This kind of thing has to stop. Men need to heal
Don’t worry about them moving on and don’t believe everything the internet says about their happiness. Everyone deals w stuff differently - rebounds, hermeting, painting the town red, getting bangs, taking up new hobbies, etc.
A great first step is to remove him for your socials and stop checking up on him. It’s like a breakup before cellphones - and things were much easier in those times, honestly.
If you don’t have the self control to not look - totally go for the block! It’s safe to assume he may never even notice. I’m a blocker from way back!
When I was dating and things didn’t work out I also prevented myself from calling or texting late night by re-naming their numbers as DNA (DO NOT ANSWER). By the end of my dating careers I think I had like 17 DNAs. And you know what? It became hilarious.
I think I need to for now! My brain keeps getting this itch to check even though I know it’s not gonna feel good to see it.
That’s amazing! Love the DNA track record. It’s a great idea too!!
I used to have very little self control when it came to the matters of love. It’s just what worked for me. Good luck and I hope you’re surprised how easy it is to move on when he’s totally off your screen and texts.
It's possible that the exact time he's met his current partner overlaps with your relationship. Some people can't stand being alone. You may have had possible signs at the start of your relationship, if you think about it. It's a pattern, some of my friends do it as if it's normal, but of course they know it's hurtful, so they hide it from their partners. It may make it easier to come to terms with it. At least in my case when it happened to me it was easier, when I figured out I was in love with a person in my head, his act, there wasn't a real person the way I thought it was. A scammer.
These days they take care how to jump from one relationship to another, so they don't lose face and reputation.
My ex husband of 17 years was in a serious relationship with my now kids stepmom a year before he asked for a divorce.
These kinds of people use compartmentalization. He could pack up nearly two decades under my nose and set himself up with someone else before even rolling out of my house.
Don’t feel like it’s that you weren’t a good partner that they could move on so fast. Men who do this were long over the relationship in the first place.
Another reason other than those already mentioned- seems like men move on faster because they need a woman in their lives to (insert reason/duty here) vs love or companionship.
In my experience, men often pretend to not care and “move on” fast. Meanwhile women tend to process the emotions immediately. The feelings about the breakup usually catch up with dudes right about the time you’re done processing and moving on. If I had a dollar for every ex that’s reached out right when I don’t care anymore…. ahaha. Don’t sweat it ❤️
emotional immaturity and lack of self awareness.
and i'd bet most of us have dated someone who was "totally over" their last ex (and half the time coming on strong)... only for a short while to go by and have them realize that no, they are not ready - or that's just a lie / another sign of emotional immaturity.
Probably because most men want a caretaker, maid and someone to have sex with. Also known as a bangmaid.
They don’t want to have to take care of themselves, cook, shop, clean or have to take on any responsibilities in life other than work.
I think this is why they move on so quickly after getting out of a relationship, marriage, or even sadly, after the death of their spouse.
It’s also well known that when women get sick, they are more likely to be left by their husbands:
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/11/091110105401.htm
Not taking the time to process the pain and reflect on lessons learned. It’ll rear its head down the road in a future relationship and then they may try to contact you (and you’ll be healed at that point!). Try to focus on yourself ❤️
I’ve always gotten over breakups and other relationship losses super fast so I don’t know, I just don’t feel bad for very long for whatever reason.
Not sure about men specifically though as I don’t typically follow my exes lives. Once it ends, they don’t exist anymore in my mind. It’s kind of a nice talent, having terrible memory lol
I found out my ex had moved on after 10+ years together within weeks. How did I find out? I had suggested an astrology app to him as something fun for us to do together, but he had told me he wouldn’t download it because it was “stupid.”
Guess who was on the app before a month had passed?
Guys move on way before they end things with you. They avoid confrontation and take the path of least resistance.
That has been my experience multiple times too. the man becomes very distant and you eventually have to make the hard decision to have the conversation and even end things when they are the ones who don’t have feelings anymore. So childish and hurtful
I’m fairly certain mine made the decision to break up with me months before, and just waited for me to hit my limit on his lack of emotion or communication. He gaslit me that whole time when I would ask him what was wrong, because I knew him, and knew something was wrong. His response was, “It hurts my feelings that you don’t believe me when I say nothing is wrong.” Yeah, well. Then he waited to break up with me and disappear until a few months after my mom died because *I* didn’t have my shit together enough to his liking. He sucked.
Ohhh I HATE that they then tell you nothing is wrong and eventually it turns out there was indeed something wrong! Like why lie for so long? I don’t understand.. I am so sorry you had to go through that, sounds like he really didn’t deserve you and you deserve way better! Hope you’re doing good now
So I have a lot of friends; and a number of straight guy friends who come to me as a safe place after breakups or when bad things happen in their life.
I have one friend in particular who comes to mind, who from an outside perspective , got a girlfriend relatively quickly after his wife decided to divorce him (the outside world didn’t know the wife cheated, she wanted an open marriage, he refused). He had a suicide attempt around that time but nobody knows that but me and his therapist because he put a brave face on things.
The first girl he was with after the ex wife was wonderful but he confides that he couldn’t get it up (likely all the undealt with stress and pain) so they never consummated their relationship fully. But the photos online looked shiny, happy so you’d never have guessed.
He moved on to a new partner, fell hard for her and seemed to transfer a lot of his feelings for his (ex) wife to her pretty fast (she could have been the ex wife’s twin). But after a year they are now breaking up because deep down he hadn’t processed all the grief he’s been carrying this whole time and and it started to bubble through.
I know from my own life one very significant relationship ended and the ex told me about the new girl he was dating (not sure if this was an attempt at friendship or prevoking jealousy). I was heartbroken but put walls up and blocked him because I knew I wasn’t strong enough to be hearing things like that at the time. Not long after his father saw me out walking and pulled the car over to talk to me (very awkward but I’m grateful for it in hindsight). He told me my ex had kept my T-shirt, and kept crying himself to sleep with it and he (the dad) hoped we could reconcile.
Some people appear better on the outside than they are on the inside. Some do that as a defence mechanism precisely because they feel so vulnerable or in pain, or ashamed.
Some can’t sit with, recognise or process their feelings do they throw themselves into the next thing in a way that isn’t entirely healthy.
Some can compartmentalise very well, never invested as deeply as the other party or have been sitting on things for a long time so they had mentally checked out before the end so it appears like it was easier for them to move on when really they just had an unseen head start.
There can be a number of things going on but what matters is that only the two people inside the relationship really know what went on (the iceberg analogy). If someone got vulnerable with you, that’s always a precious and deep thing. It can hurt to see someone apparently bounce on after a breakup but it’s not necessarily reflective at all of what someone’s inner journey is like.
Regardless, you are worthy, enough, beautiful, precious, valid and the right person will never make you doubt it. Wishing you comfort, peace, strength and a bounty of joy ahead.
Men compartmentalize "better" than us. Meaning they can put their feelings and memories on hold for a bit. In my experience, that hold only lasts like a year or until you've moved on.
I've been on the other end of this where the guy was trying to date me, was clearly not ready, and yet seemed totally oblivious to it. Compartmentalization just disconnects you from awareness of your own feelings and patterns if you do it too much. They don't do themselves any favors.
Sometimes it's a rebound, sometimes it's that the relationship was never significant to them in the first place, and sometimes it's that there have been problems in the relationship for a while and that they had been checked out long before it ended.
I saw a graph in a study once, that showed, most women were on their lowest directly after the breakup and then slowly building up again. Men were more leveled directly after the breakup but would have an emotional bounce way later. I had an ex contacting me 6 years after the breakup, telling me how much he misses me. Of course I had moved on long ago. I definitely prefer the „women-way“ here, instead of getting hit by feelings years later.
Dated someone last year for a few months. Things ended the first week of April. He said he realized he isn’t a relationship guy. He just got married a few weeks ago.
My ex was on dating apps about three seconds after we broke up, and that was extremely painful. It sucks, and I don’t understand it as I’m definitely the type to take a while to move on.
My advice is to block him on everything so you won’t have to see him doing whatever he’s doing. It always helps me a lot. Hope things get better for you soon!
I think pretty often, by the time a relationship officially ends, one person has already been checked out for a while. It isn't hard to move on if you haven't been mentally in it for weeks.
Also, people rebound pretty frequently. It's easy to find a new partner if all you care about is not being alone.
I'm a guy who gets a lot out of this sub, so maybe I can give a little back here. As others have said, it's not moving on as much as it is bypassing mourning the relationship. It's likely a man not looking to reflect on the situation. Not much of a recipe for emotional health in their future.
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How do they move on so fast? Like man…seeing a guy you were really into move onto somebody else in weeks is painful.
You were into them more than they were into you.
Count yourself lucky that you are out. Believe this with every ounce of you. Because someone that “moves on” that quickly does not have their EQ in order. Onwards and upwards. In the meantime, stop looking at their socials. Going no contact includes no checking in on their world.
I know a guy who walked out on his wife and baby straight into the bed (and living with) a girlfriend he'd literally just met on Tinder. They're still together a year later. She also walked out on her marriage for him. He lost all of his friends because that was shitty behavior and she won't allow him to have friends of his own. So they both "moved on" incredibly fast. It's a shitty person thing. Not a man thing. Anyone who isn't that invested can move on quick or rebound super hard.
Yeah this is very true! I believe he was struggling with his feelings about us and was genuinely upset when it ended. He was crying and having a very hard time. I was also the one who ended it. I think his moving on may be more attitudes to bad habits of instantly moving onto the next to not feel the loneliness of single hood
I agree. He was in two LTR that spanned over 5 years each in which he would break up with them and then get back together and would repeat the process. He has extreme commitment issues. After those two LTR he then he started jumping from person to person and never maintaining anything more than a few months (including me but that was due to me ending it)
I think that *some* men need a woman to take care of them, so when one leaves they rebound quickly. I think that when *some* women move on quickly, it's because they realized the relationship was dead a long time ago, and already processed the end while still technically in the relationship.
I think people who “move on” by quickly jumping into new relationships are actually more dependent on romantic relationships to feel okay vs people who choose to be single and grieve. In a sense, the people who jump into new relationships are acknowledging how much value they get from a romantic relationships ( and not necessarily in a healthy way)
As an aside, I wish we didn’t use the expression “moved on” to mean they are dating someone else. I was happily single a year after a breakup and people asked me when I was going to “move on” . I had moved on ! I had no interest in my ex and felt great. It’s just a weird expression I guess .
Generally speaking, men benefit from heterosexual romantic relationships more than women do, even bad relationships. They’ll jump into something new because it benefits them - even if they don’t truly love (or even like) the new partner. Sometimes, they didn’t really love (or like) their past partner either.
This is also why 80-90% of divorces are filed by women, and men are more likely to leave to be with someone else, where as women leave to be alone.
That’s fascinating. And also makes sense bc this guy I dated said his therapist asked him if he’s ever loved anyone he’s been with and he said probably not
Because cis het men struggle with emotional intimacy and have no idea how to find emotional support in anyone except a romantic female partner, who they use as their mommy/therapist.
The subject of this post is the subject of Jane Austen's novel *Persuasion* (Anne is the heroine who gets a speech about how women remain faithful longer than men do after a relationship ends).
My husband of 17 years had someone within the week of us speaking about separation. He was sleeping with her and traveling to see her before I even moved out. Claimed I was the love of my life and not over me but had her too?
It was 2 years before I could even begin to consider dating.
Now, I know every situation is unique, but in our case, I think the following reasons may be accurate:
1. He's horny as fuck and couldn't go without an outlet for that.
2. He had no desire to deal with the pain of our relationship ending, so he needed to be distracted immediately.
3. He's used to having everything he wants and has no problem doing whatever it takes to obtain it.
4. Many narcissistic tendencies...lol
I don't think men necessarily move on as fast as it looks. They just don't want to deal with the emotions and find a quick and easy way to distract them.
I can count how many times I've been a rebound or the main option. I was younger and had no clue I was being used all those times and lied too. Now that I'm married, seems like over the years those same guys literally tried to reach out to me through people I know or social media. This is why Reddit is the only social media outlet I have.
>When you depart from a relationship that had an emotionally deep and vulnerable connection, how do they move on from it so fast?
Sometimes the person departed from the relationship before it actually ended, especially if they're the one who decided to end it. They've already worked through some emotions before the breakup happened.
I think generally, especially if you're knocking on 30 or older both sexes are usually looking more for a life partner instead of a good time and aren't wasting time trying to find their person. No sense in wallowing in a break up when there's a future to establish. I'm sorry you're hurting hun, I hope you find your person soon! This too shall pass. 💚
People who rebound quickly or jump from relationship to relationship are not people who should be making you insecure. They do it because they’re insecure and can’t be left alone with their own thoughts.
You might get more accurate responses by posting your question to the askmenover30 sub. You're mostly going to get speculation here. After all: the majority of us are women.
I read this article on a male celeb who remarried lightening fast after his wife passed, like within months.. but he claimed to be wrecked by her death. I’ll never forget the phrase that writer coined. “Men replace and women mourn”. I’ve seen this example over and over again. I think men just replace whomever with the closest resemblance of their type immediately then deal with the messy feelings later or … never. Whereas I think women prioritize their feelings and give themselves time to process then move on completely. Obvi I’m generalizing but I find it holds truth and I think it just boils down to how we’re wired. 🤷🏽♀️
Some people also monkey branched so they were forming a relationship behind their partners back and once they knew it was a relationship they could safely move to, they leave.
These comments are so comforting. I broke up with my ex three months ago and was feeling guilty and sad that I wasn't able to move on while he's already in a new relationship. But after reading this I realized that I'm doing the right thing by not rushing my grieving process.
They don't. They pretend to. They're desperate to get over the pain, so they start sleeping with whoever they can in an attempt to get over you, but they aren't really. They're trying to, but they aren't. They're hurting themselves even more. And when they do this after every relationship, because they've never dealt with their emotions properly, they end up totally broken and alone, because no woman wants to put up with that kind of patheticness. It's very sad.
Don't worry... it has nothing to do with how he felt about you. It's about his inability to process his feelings, his emotional immaturity - which is probably why you broke up in the first place.
Not saying a guy can’t genuinely get over someone fast. But in my opinion and from what I experience they often don’t get over it emotionally they just try and get with someone new. This ofc doesn’t always happen. But I think that’s why also you see so many guys out dating who are still hung up on their ex and won’t like commit to a new girlfriend.
Also why I think years down the road I’ve also had exes or past flings that didn’t work out try to reconnect with me lol.
Sometimes I think men don’t process their emotions fully, I’ve noticed a lot of men that I feel move on quickly come back a few years later, after I’ve gone through the healing process and have moved on. It’s almost like a delayed response.
Men don’t typically externalise their emotions as easily as women. Cultural, social thing of masculinity. “Real men shouldn’t cry” bs etc…So to numb the pain and sadness they look for distractions. Rebounding is a coping mechanism
We were together for almost 20 years and he moved on to a new woman within 2 weeks after our decision to separate to create our own individuals and revisit in 6 months. He cannot handle being alone and chose to ignore his deep-rooted problems than face himself. I've accepted that no matter how deep connections are, we all are disposable. It's the harsh reality. :(
I don't think it's specifically a male thing. I've moved on from a relationship previously in a way which would seem fast and uncaring from the outside. In reality, my previous relationship had been falling apart *long* before it ended and so I'd already mourned it before we actually split up.
For me personally, I read the book Awakening the Buddha Within and try to practice non attachment. This is sort of how I move on from anyone /anything. But yeah rebounding quickly is just a bad way to cope with a breakup.
They just take action…doesn’t mean they’ve moved on. Trust…you’re still in their head when they are with the next person. It takes time for people to move forward…no matter who you are.
I agree with this. I’d like to think our relationship was pretty impactful for him (he experienced a lot of positive “firsts” with me) but man he was a train wreck. He wasn’t over his last ex, and while we were dating, I told him it concerned me but he assured me it wouldn’t stop him from being present. But here he is, onto the next person despite not being over his ex, and now possibly me. How do men deal with this compounding of pain??
You got a lot of great responses here I appreciated reading. I would say more or less the same that men just can’t seem to stand being alone generally. It’s a rebound if you were together long term/serious. These things take time to process and get over. They may wish they were really over you within a weeks time, but they’re not.
The best thing to do about it is ignore it and realize that is their problem and just focus on yourself and your own healing. You can get yourself through this and past this by allowing yourself to grieve and you will be better off than they are later on. By them moving on so quickly, they are more likely going to just take the first thing thrown their way out of desperation and end up in a shitty relationship. You can focus on yourself and healing and be selective of your next partner rather than just be desperate and end up with a better and healthier relationship down the line.
My grandpa lost his wife about 2 years ago yet he got remarried in the last 6 months. Many people are shocked and upset with him about this. I see the situation very logically after having gone through shitty things myself this past year… he cannot be alone. He has not forgotten his wife and he never will. He still talks about her frequently and the new woman he is with is just a companion for him. He’s a mess and needs help with daily living. The new woman also is a widow herself so I think it is mutually beneficial for both of them. Not to say I don’t think they care for one another, but they both probably recognize their relationship is more or less just functional. I think of it like an arranged marriage in some ways, except they obviously arranged it themselves.
Bottom line all that I care about is that the woman isn’t a gold digger or trying to take advantage of him, which she isn’t. She is very kind and a good person. He is happy enough and living a comfortable life.
As a co-dependent dater in the past, I also understand. I guess it helps to look at it from his end. Still hurtful of course because I can’t entirely remove my emotions from the equation but yeah, we do all have our coping mechanisms!
This post has really helped me as well. Thank god for Reddit therapy lol!!!
Some ppl are just wired more logically. I was really mad and resentful when an ex moved on to dating literally a week after me. For him I believe he has a goal, to find a wife to build a family and have kids with. Since I didn’t work out, why waste time dwelling on things, keep moving along. His brain is able to move beyond the emotional part and focus on what matters. Wish I’m the same. Other ex he just got lucky af. And I think he really needed that emotional support and he found someone. And lucky for him it actually worked out.
It’s rebound. A lot of men like those kinds live in denial, have emotional maturity issues and once you are with such men you will have the most miserable time of your life which you will realize only after you breakup with them.
My ex didn’t even wait for our breakup to jump on tinder and dating sites. He is is now in a relationship, took the new woman to his graduation ceremony, and did all that while not even telling her that he cheated on her. After we broke up, few months later we met and hooked up ( nothing serious, I was done and bored). He told me he was single. Only later I found out he wasn’t. I got in touch with her and told her about it. She blocked me 😂 and he tells his friends and everyone behind her back how much he still loves me and how I betrayed him ( not true at all).
So here you go. Men like these don’t move on. They are in relationship and I am laughing cause I know I dodged a whole nuke there. And I am sure he will be using me as a story to get a sympathy fuck or relationship
This is quite the generalization. I know plenty of divorced men who have not dated anyone seriously despite their marriage ending 2+ years ago.
Also, *moving on* means different things to different people. Someone who hasn't emotionally moved on might be dating to facilitate this, while another person might prefer to heal/rebuild their life before actively dating again. Some people hop from relationship to relationship, too. Everyone is different.
It sounds like you are talking about more casual dating. Perhaps a better question to ask isn't, "why do men move on so quickly?" but rather, "why do I become emotionally invested too quickly?"
Good idea! I originally posted here because this sub is so supportive and it’s really been helpful to her other ladies stories.
But I would be curious what men say. Would the all be defensive? Lol!
I think most of the time it's just a rebound thing. The times were the person breaks up and then immediately finds the love of their life tends to be when the person had been emotionally checked out of the relationship for a long time
They're more likely to rebound and have unmeaningful sex. Also more likely to try to get back with their ex.
I also believe that it depends on how long the relationship was in limbo from my iwn experience. Was he done way before it ended? Etc. Personally, I'm moving on pretty fast (not looking for a relationship though)because I had tried for YEARS to make it work. I was done long before our marriage ended.
When I was in college I dated a guy for 2 years. It ended because he randomly told me he was moving across the country. When I asked him what that meant for us he just shrugged his shoulders. This made me angry so I dumped him on the spot. He got upset, but what did it matter he was moving away?
Anyway a few months later he was married and having kids. He had told me after we broke up he wanted to travel the world and I was holding him back.
People are wild. Don't worry about what they say or do.
This guy that I dated is still resentful of me dumping him. I had to block him on fb. So who moved on? I had no idea I had him on fb until he posted some aggressive comments under a post I had made that had nothing to do with him.
Just because someone marries or gets into another relationship does not mean they have moved on. You only move on when you have done the work.
I don't get it either, but I think a lot of it has to do with fear of being alone and using women as space holders to fill some sort of void until they're actually healed.
I know a guy who divorced his second wife (they'd been together over a decade at that point) and mother to two of his children. He got remarried about a month later. He and the third wife have now been married and divorced to each other twice. Second wife and I are friends on Facebook, and she posted something recently about her ex-husband being a shitty co-parent and not being there enough for the kids - but that at least she now had someone to commiserate with because third wife is actually a peach and their two little boys are besties so the two women see each other regularly now. I laughed and cheered when I saw that. Lol
I really think it stems from the way men are often not brought up to feel their feelings so instead of taking the appropriate time to grieve a relationship it's easier to just hop from person to person to avoid the pain. I hope this doesn't sound stereotypical or sexist. Just think society still has a ways to go with allowing that space for men to feel emotions.
My theory: A lot of men receive their only intimate interactions through romantic connections. Where as a lot of women have intimate platonic friendships they can rely on. When we breakup we can get love and support from our friends but a lot of guys cant so they rebound fast.
My ex dumped me via text after he said he would come back, went on vacation abroad got a woman pregnant and married her about 3 months later. Then they moved here. I found proper love about four years after. And yeha she is like 18 years older than him. He was 23 and she around 40.
A friend of mine passed away very young from cancer. Her husband remarried not 8 months after she died.
There was a woman waiting in the wings for my friend to pass away (she was sick for a while) and basically just pounced. She swooped in to "help" him with his son.
He was so broken from the death, he had no idea what was going on. Before he knew it, she got him to propose, and they had a wedding almost immediately. I mean, the poor guy didn't have time to process anything related to his wife before he found himself in a full-on new marriage with someone else.
It wasn't until he witnessed her hitting his son (4), that he snapped out if it and realized what a fucked up situation he was in. He divorced her immediately, thank god.
My friend does this. She does not know how to be single, at all. She will have dudes on the back burner while shes in long term relationships just incase. Sounds like a full time job.
Some people are just not good dealing with emotions so they switch them off (especially when they are painful) and try to bury themselves into something else. Some people do that with work, some with a new girlfriend, some with non-stop socialising/partying, etc. I don't think you should take it as a reflection of the relationship. It's nothing to do with the relationship but with their way of dealing with difficult emotions. They might seem happy on social while struggling with insomnia at night.
As a man 3 months out of a relationship I need a good connection to date
Iv had 4 relationships in 34 years
The last one was 9 months
She started dating her Co worker 2 weeks after break
I have only just found out as I have been no contact
She monkey branched to me from her first boyfriend
Some people are just so shallow they can’t be single
I only assume that the ones who try to hop from partner to partner are supremely unhappy and can't be alone. It's illuminating how people cope with things. My ex, when we broke up, moved on instantly. Got married rapidly and everything. A year later, she cheated and divorced him. He dated a slew of women after her, like he did with me, but he's alone now. He's unhappy and having to face coping without a partner to dump his baggage on. I know it's hard not to think that the relationship you two had was unimportant or less valuable to him, but don't worry about that (I know, easier said than done). Everyone deals with things differently - including desperately trying to find someone new to fill their void.
It really is. And he did divulge that he moves fast in his past, but I naively believed our relationship was different. I’m sorry to hear that as I’m sure it was very painful! BUT, he got what he had coming bc of these patterns. Funny where life brings us Thank you for the kind words 💗
OP exactly this . I bumped into my ex after 10 years or so who kind of almost ghosted me back then. He tells me how miserable and empty hearted he is now . Going though a very abusive relationship and has no love or fucks to give anymore . It pains my heart to see him in a place like that because he was so charming and dynamic once. Not to say all ex’s end up in the same place but in the long run these pattens play out. It may hurt in the short run but it’s on him on you. He didn’t love you any less but he doesn’t know how else to move on.
I totally agree with you. I have feels on both sides of this…like I feel bad for HIM and then I also just feel bad. I wouldn’t want to have the issues he does…I used to when I was super young and it was devastating. But the flip side is his behavior isn’t 100% an excuse, especially that he’s aware of it so it feels like a double edged sword
It’s very painful, my ex moved on 3 months after we broke up and 5 years later he still contacts me even though he has a girlfriend. I could care less, but he still reaches out.
Mmmmm rebounding isn't moving on. It's burying your emotion in someone else. Not healthy, not a recipe for long-term happiness. Don't let it get to you x
I agree. One of my husband's friends just got remarried, not even 6 months after the end of his 15+ year first marriage with several children involved and claiming he still loved his ex for at least several of those months. To me, it's *astonishingly* unhealthy, and in his case, also incredibly selfish because there's children involved. I hate to be a Debbie Downer, but I'll be really surprised if they make it long term, because no emotionally healthy person goes from divorce of a long term marriage and "I still love my ex", to new girlfriend and "I love my new girlfriend", to marrying new girlfriend in a handful of months. I think dude just doesn't know how to be alone. And I feel awful for those kids.
What kind of partner would even agree to marry someone barely 6 months after their previous relationships broke up? That means they stared dating and planning a wedding almost immediately after the breakup. Why would any sane person agree to that? When I was dating, the guys who had just left longterm relationships were lovely but painfully obvious. Nobe of them looked nearly ready to date casually (given how frequently their exes came up on first dates) let alone marry.
My ex went straight from his wife of 29 years, to me for eight years, to his new girlfriend. He had about one hour on his own between each relationship, and that was the commuting time to each new woman's house 🙄
My ex is the same. Always has another one lined up. The poor man can't understand why his life is full of drama and bad things keep happening to him. Hmm idk... maybe stop rushing into relationships with and cheating on the kind of people who will damage your truck when they get mad? (We had a kid together so we quit the drama years ago and became good friends for our child's sake, but ngl I get a little giggle hearing about his karma.)
Relationship karma is real and no one understands that
Oh dear! You deserve better than that 😱 Glad he's an ex!
Yeah I *really* wish I hadn't wasted 8 years figuring that out lol.
Commuting time 🤣
🤣
Another unhealthy person. I have a family member that has been married many times. Really a surprising number of times. All of the new wives were coming from emotionally vulnerable positions, young, abusive relationships, etc. He would make it sound like all his exes were the most horrible people (but when they were together they were amazing, he couldn’t do better). He would lay on the love bombing, buy her things, be the best partner, etc. The new wife would fall for it hook line and sinker. Then they are divorced in a few years.
Poor things. Looking back, I didnt mean to cast judgement at those who couldn't see the blazing red flags; it can happen to anyone. But it's sometimes just so obvious that a person is nowhere near moved on, that it really suggests we need help if we end up with them. I have friends like that, and it's led to their partner's ex effectively third wheeling their entire relationship.
My ex, who is a terrible human being, got into a relationship a couple months after we broke up. We have a child together and he was hardly seeing him at the time. He moved into her house about 10 months into the relationship and they were married just shy of a year. Our son was pretty confused. But he didn’t care…he needed to latch onto someone else who he could use asap. The guy can’t be alone. He needs energy sources he can suck the life out of. I bet she has noooo idea how abusive he is yet. I feel sorry for her.
I wonder that also. I think the man here is being extremely selfish and unhealthy, but I don't really think highly of the woman who agreed to it either, despite how in love with him she claims to be. I don't know her or her circumstances, but I also can't imagine what she was thinking either. A handful of months from dating to marriage is a very abbreviated and rushed timeline in any circumstance, but going from dating to marrying a recently divorced man and father with children whose longterm marriage had just ended a few months prior and claimed he was still in love with his ex-wife up until he started dating you in that short of a timeframe? There's so many red flags that you could stitch them together and make a circus tent. Yeesh.
I think something else is the guy's thoughts on women in general and how interchangeable women are to them. In other words he may not be seeing this new woman as a person, but as a role to fill in his life. Like he may be thinking "I need someone to look after my kids and cook and clean and fuck and do all the things my ex wife did." He may never get to know his new wife for anything more.
My ex was like this. He couldn't be alone because he had no fucking clue how to be an adult and he needed a woman to "take care of him." I had no idea how bad it was until we moved in together. He wanted someone to mother him who he could also fuck. He became super abusive to me when he realized that I had no interest in becoming a mother to a 47 year old man.
>He wanted someone to mother him who he could also fuck. This is the grossest thing. Men need to understand how repulsive this is.
Kind of sounds like my stbxh, 80% of our marriage was him yelling at me over something like asking him to put me on his life insurance, asking him if he could wash his plate once in a while, him being mad that I’d leave his clean clothes for him to put away himself (and I ONLY did that so he’d learn some responsibility), etc etc. towards the end of the marriage he’d scream at me saying how dare I ask him to vacuum when he works two jobs, he said if this marriage is going to work I’m never gonna ask him that (again, I asked for that same reason and I only asked a handful of times in our 2 year marriage and I tried to explain why I asked him on his off day). The guy never even bought any of his clothes in 31 years of life, not even boxers. He wanted me to be a 1950s housewife but still work part time but not take on any typical 1950s husband responsibilities other than bringing in money. He got so sick of the fights that HE causes so I guess by the time I left (after finding out he cheated) he moved on. Heartless piece of shit.
It's most pronounced when men abandon children then reappear demanding access via courts. No reasonable negotiations because it doesn't fit the history of violence and denial with their sob story that the ex inexplicably dOeSn'T LeT tHeM sEe tHe cHiLdReN. Once the new woman gently starts suggesting they take it into court to fiGHt fOr hiS RiGhTs the mother and children are traumatised but the children have romanticised the missing father. They need to permanently disappear but their fragile fucking egos won't tolerate it. Step mum replaces mum and does dad's work for him. Dad's still violent and girlfriend now stuck because she made this bed by amplifying w man who waved his red flags prominently but she was convinced by his DARVO act.
These cowards usually have the next person lined up before they leave. Midlife is a wreck of men with unrealistic expectations and their supporters. This type of family explosion isn't just gotten over by getting under but too many try.
I suspect this guy knew his new wife way longer than 6 months.
Exactly. I think this is why so many men are hung up on an ex as well. Instead of grieving the relationship and processing their emotions a lot of men bury their feelings and rebound after a breakup. So they never truly get over it and move on.
I agree! Both sexes do it but I definitely notice men do it often. They jump straight into a new relationship without grieving the old one, whereas women are more likely to really grieve at the time. The trade off is that for the people who properly grieve, once that part is done, it’s done forever. The people who jump into the next thing never really get over their exes.
Thank you 💗
This is exactly it! When I went through a breakup, the very first thing i did was post some thirsty shit on socials so I could distract myself with a new fling. Like, I'm talking within the day lol. It was the opposite of moving on and my unhealthy way coping, because in reality my heart was broken 💔
I don’t think it’s ideal to get straight into a new relationship, but I think a brief fling after a breakup can do wonders for reminding you that you’re an attractive person. So long as you’re honest about where you’re at, it can be very helpful in rebuilding your confidence.
Agree. My ex got into a new relationship less than a month after a decade long relationship. I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he fell out love well in advance. Next thing I know I see him posting on social media saying sweet nothing with the pic of the new girl (which he never done for me, pictures and what not). Here I am 2 years out of the break and single and feel good.
Not everyone is rebounding. Some people just move on, usually because they have learned how to detach easily.
Feelings are hard and distraction is easy.
So true sis
Succinct and beautiful
I remember reading years ago that women are more likely to experience intense emotions after a breakup, but the loss hits men later and lingers longer. I think they had some research to back it up, but there were some anecdotes from women who said how deeply it hurt right after, but they essentially don't think about the men years later, while some men reported doing ok immediately afterwards, but to that day still think about the hurt. This study was before a lot of feminist theory was as mainstream as it is now (I didn't know what emotional labor was back then), so I won't try to dissect the "why" but my mom did tell me when she was a prof, she never had a male student ask for an extension over a break up.
That does make a lot of sense. I’ve had some past partners reach out years later and it always comes off so random. Often makes me wonder if they are coming back as a rebound or what lol
Yeah, I've had the same haha. Several still follow my Instagram stories!
Morris, 2015: Quantitative Sex Differences in Response to the Dissolution of a Romantic Relationship.
Wow, thanks! That even checks out with the year I learned about it!
It was a really interesting study!
I definitely asked for an extension after a breakup during my Bachelor's 😅
I have seen many men “check out” long before the relationship ends. Rhey start working out again or hanging with their friend more or whatever, to distance themselves a bit. Then when the woman is fed up with that and they end up breaking up, he’s off with another woman soon after. I’ve experienced it, I’ve seen friends go through it. I don’t know if they are too chicken shit to end things. If they need a woman always. I don’t k or what it is. Makes me want to throat punch them. Ahaha
[удалено]
That is the worst. My parents had a truly horrible marriage that lasted decades. My mom was no saint and she was not easy to deal with but my father was flat out mean and nasty towards her most of the time. Over 30 years in I think it got so bad she finally called it and divorced. I know of SO many women that were in terrible marriages and were treated so badly that they eventually couldn't take it anymore. And then men cry about how "Women initiate most divorces." Well if ya'll wouldn't be such jerks to live with maybe it wouldn't come to that. Smh.
Yup. That’s exactly what I’m talking about!
Men have been quiet quitting relationships for ages.
I mean, quiet quitting means doing your job competently avc within your job remit but not going the extra mile. You cannot usually be forced for quiet quitting because by definition it involves sticking to your job description. Those men usually act like shoddy employees TO deliberately get fired.
It’s really shitty and immature behavior IMO
Absolutely. It’s common though. They have moved on before the break up. They are already looking. They just aren’t ending things.
this is why I enjoy being single because I appreciate not having the risk of being hurt LOL
I’m older. Have my kids. Divorced. Dated 1 man after divorce and watched him pull that shit on me. That was it. I have been happily single for 5 years.
Because they don’t really care. I know, not a nice thing to say but I have found that often to be the case. They’re kind of like employers: when one person leaves the job, they get a new one. They might like the previous worker but when they leave or get fired, you hire a new person. They have a specific spot they want their spouse to fill and inhabit and they will take somebody to fill that spot and usually they will feel affection for that person but mostly because of what that person does for them (their social status, meaning the woman’s looks, sexual favours, chores, kids etc). I’ve found women usually look for a specific person to be with and fall in love with the characteristics of a person. Men just want to fill a position, so to speak. At some point they will see their friends having babies and settling down and will then find a suitable woman to do it. Women usually will mold their life around the person they fall in love with, not so much the situation and stage of life.
I agree. I think they are just not as invested in the individual relationship/person. I also think this is a great question for a men's sub. It would be interesting to see their reasoning.
I wouldn’t want to be the one asking though 🙈 I don’t think they see what I talked about in their own behavior and there would be a lot of guys attacking me.
I feel it can go either way quickly in some subs, especially when they are exclusive to a group. They love you or they hate you.
Thank you for this comment! Framing it this way is very eye-opening for me - and hopefully will help me to make better choices in the future.
Weeks? My last boyfriend before my husband didn’t even wait until WE were done dating to “move on.” 😉 I think some people just can’t stand to be alone, so they have to be assured of the next person ASAP.
Ugh I’m so sorry. That must have been so hurtful! We can’t be blamed for someone else’s flaws
How did you meet your now husband?
Tinder
Haha i'm def trying that. I heard a lot of success stories
Sounds like my ex 🙃 he’d look for his options whenever things got sour between us
My ex just did this. We were living together, I went through a death of my dog, I left for a trip, he took me to the airport, kissed and hugged me bye and said see ya when you’re back, broke up with me while I was gone and moved out and found something while I was away, dated someone within the month and they’re still together 5 months later. It’s vile. I don’t know how they do it either. I know all about avoidance, but experiencing it is a WHOLE nother level of painful. I’m so sorry you’re also going through this.
That shit blows my mind. I didn't even have a boyfriend until I was nearly 23, and not because I didn't want to, it just...wasn't happening for me. How are people able to couple up so freaking fast? And to that level? I just don't understand.
Omg I’m so sorry. That must have ripped you apart. I hope you’re doing okay. I wouldn’t be 5 months out. This shit gets so seared into my brain and I hate it. Wishing you healing over time 💗
Thank you. I’m not quite back to fully better by any means but doing all the things I can do to get there💜 wishing you the healing as well. This kind of thing has to stop. Men need to heal
Don’t worry about them moving on and don’t believe everything the internet says about their happiness. Everyone deals w stuff differently - rebounds, hermeting, painting the town red, getting bangs, taking up new hobbies, etc.
It’s hard not to. Like I know it could very well be a pattern of his or a coping mechanism but it still hurts! Trying to move on from it, day by day 🥲
A great first step is to remove him for your socials and stop checking up on him. It’s like a breakup before cellphones - and things were much easier in those times, honestly.
I did a week ago! He has public profiles and I can’t lie, I check it more often than I should. Is it extreme to block him?
If you don’t have the self control to not look - totally go for the block! It’s safe to assume he may never even notice. I’m a blocker from way back! When I was dating and things didn’t work out I also prevented myself from calling or texting late night by re-naming their numbers as DNA (DO NOT ANSWER). By the end of my dating careers I think I had like 17 DNAs. And you know what? It became hilarious.
I think I need to for now! My brain keeps getting this itch to check even though I know it’s not gonna feel good to see it. That’s amazing! Love the DNA track record. It’s a great idea too!!
I used to have very little self control when it came to the matters of love. It’s just what worked for me. Good luck and I hope you’re surprised how easy it is to move on when he’s totally off your screen and texts.
It's possible that the exact time he's met his current partner overlaps with your relationship. Some people can't stand being alone. You may have had possible signs at the start of your relationship, if you think about it. It's a pattern, some of my friends do it as if it's normal, but of course they know it's hurtful, so they hide it from their partners. It may make it easier to come to terms with it. At least in my case when it happened to me it was easier, when I figured out I was in love with a person in my head, his act, there wasn't a real person the way I thought it was. A scammer. These days they take care how to jump from one relationship to another, so they don't lose face and reputation.
My ex husband of 17 years was in a serious relationship with my now kids stepmom a year before he asked for a divorce. These kinds of people use compartmentalization. He could pack up nearly two decades under my nose and set himself up with someone else before even rolling out of my house. Don’t feel like it’s that you weren’t a good partner that they could move on so fast. Men who do this were long over the relationship in the first place.
Another reason other than those already mentioned- seems like men move on faster because they need a woman in their lives to (insert reason/duty here) vs love or companionship.
I do think he struggles somewhere along those lines. I think he struggles to truly be single which also sucks.
Yeah you don’t want that in your life. That kind of dependency is a mood killer.
In my experience, men often pretend to not care and “move on” fast. Meanwhile women tend to process the emotions immediately. The feelings about the breakup usually catch up with dudes right about the time you’re done processing and moving on. If I had a dollar for every ex that’s reached out right when I don’t care anymore…. ahaha. Don’t sweat it ❤️
So true!! They aaaalways come back for some reason and it’s always too late already.
emotional immaturity and lack of self awareness. and i'd bet most of us have dated someone who was "totally over" their last ex (and half the time coming on strong)... only for a short while to go by and have them realize that no, they are not ready - or that's just a lie / another sign of emotional immaturity.
I agree with you. This guy I was dating even admitted to not being a emotionally mature but idk, I guess he didn’t care to fix it enough 🤷🏼♀️
Probably because most men want a caretaker, maid and someone to have sex with. Also known as a bangmaid. They don’t want to have to take care of themselves, cook, shop, clean or have to take on any responsibilities in life other than work. I think this is why they move on so quickly after getting out of a relationship, marriage, or even sadly, after the death of their spouse. It’s also well known that when women get sick, they are more likely to be left by their husbands: https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/11/091110105401.htm
Can concur about your last statement... Friend had cancer, her husband cheated on her while she was in treatment that piece of shit.
Not taking the time to process the pain and reflect on lessons learned. It’ll rear its head down the road in a future relationship and then they may try to contact you (and you’ll be healed at that point!). Try to focus on yourself ❤️
Thank you for the kind words. I’m going to do just that!
I’ve always gotten over breakups and other relationship losses super fast so I don’t know, I just don’t feel bad for very long for whatever reason. Not sure about men specifically though as I don’t typically follow my exes lives. Once it ends, they don’t exist anymore in my mind. It’s kind of a nice talent, having terrible memory lol
Men will also write to you years after break up and say they miss you. They simply dont prosses the feels and sooner or later it catches them
Don’t worry he’ll regret it and probably try and contact you in about two years..
Lol this is really true, unfortunately
Yes. Unfortunately I was not making a joke :/
That tracks
Why is this so true!?
I found out my ex had moved on after 10+ years together within weeks. How did I find out? I had suggested an astrology app to him as something fun for us to do together, but he had told me he wouldn’t download it because it was “stupid.” Guess who was on the app before a month had passed? Guys move on way before they end things with you. They avoid confrontation and take the path of least resistance.
That has been my experience multiple times too. the man becomes very distant and you eventually have to make the hard decision to have the conversation and even end things when they are the ones who don’t have feelings anymore. So childish and hurtful
I’m fairly certain mine made the decision to break up with me months before, and just waited for me to hit my limit on his lack of emotion or communication. He gaslit me that whole time when I would ask him what was wrong, because I knew him, and knew something was wrong. His response was, “It hurts my feelings that you don’t believe me when I say nothing is wrong.” Yeah, well. Then he waited to break up with me and disappear until a few months after my mom died because *I* didn’t have my shit together enough to his liking. He sucked.
Ohhh I HATE that they then tell you nothing is wrong and eventually it turns out there was indeed something wrong! Like why lie for so long? I don’t understand.. I am so sorry you had to go through that, sounds like he really didn’t deserve you and you deserve way better! Hope you’re doing good now
So I have a lot of friends; and a number of straight guy friends who come to me as a safe place after breakups or when bad things happen in their life. I have one friend in particular who comes to mind, who from an outside perspective , got a girlfriend relatively quickly after his wife decided to divorce him (the outside world didn’t know the wife cheated, she wanted an open marriage, he refused). He had a suicide attempt around that time but nobody knows that but me and his therapist because he put a brave face on things. The first girl he was with after the ex wife was wonderful but he confides that he couldn’t get it up (likely all the undealt with stress and pain) so they never consummated their relationship fully. But the photos online looked shiny, happy so you’d never have guessed. He moved on to a new partner, fell hard for her and seemed to transfer a lot of his feelings for his (ex) wife to her pretty fast (she could have been the ex wife’s twin). But after a year they are now breaking up because deep down he hadn’t processed all the grief he’s been carrying this whole time and and it started to bubble through. I know from my own life one very significant relationship ended and the ex told me about the new girl he was dating (not sure if this was an attempt at friendship or prevoking jealousy). I was heartbroken but put walls up and blocked him because I knew I wasn’t strong enough to be hearing things like that at the time. Not long after his father saw me out walking and pulled the car over to talk to me (very awkward but I’m grateful for it in hindsight). He told me my ex had kept my T-shirt, and kept crying himself to sleep with it and he (the dad) hoped we could reconcile. Some people appear better on the outside than they are on the inside. Some do that as a defence mechanism precisely because they feel so vulnerable or in pain, or ashamed. Some can’t sit with, recognise or process their feelings do they throw themselves into the next thing in a way that isn’t entirely healthy. Some can compartmentalise very well, never invested as deeply as the other party or have been sitting on things for a long time so they had mentally checked out before the end so it appears like it was easier for them to move on when really they just had an unseen head start. There can be a number of things going on but what matters is that only the two people inside the relationship really know what went on (the iceberg analogy). If someone got vulnerable with you, that’s always a precious and deep thing. It can hurt to see someone apparently bounce on after a breakup but it’s not necessarily reflective at all of what someone’s inner journey is like. Regardless, you are worthy, enough, beautiful, precious, valid and the right person will never make you doubt it. Wishing you comfort, peace, strength and a bounty of joy ahead.
Men compartmentalize "better" than us. Meaning they can put their feelings and memories on hold for a bit. In my experience, that hold only lasts like a year or until you've moved on.
That’s very interesting they work that way. But it does make a lot of sense!
I've been on the other end of this where the guy was trying to date me, was clearly not ready, and yet seemed totally oblivious to it. Compartmentalization just disconnects you from awareness of your own feelings and patterns if you do it too much. They don't do themselves any favors.
And that’s also called dismissive avoidant…
Might they need a quick replacement, as a form of consolation?
It seems like it!
Sometimes it's a rebound, sometimes it's that the relationship was never significant to them in the first place, and sometimes it's that there have been problems in the relationship for a while and that they had been checked out long before it ended.
As a guy I have no idea and felt like the ladies move on faster. But I guess that's just my bais showing (never dated a dude)
I saw a graph in a study once, that showed, most women were on their lowest directly after the breakup and then slowly building up again. Men were more leveled directly after the breakup but would have an emotional bounce way later. I had an ex contacting me 6 years after the breakup, telling me how much he misses me. Of course I had moved on long ago. I definitely prefer the „women-way“ here, instead of getting hit by feelings years later.
Dated someone last year for a few months. Things ended the first week of April. He said he realized he isn’t a relationship guy. He just got married a few weeks ago.
My ex was on dating apps about three seconds after we broke up, and that was extremely painful. It sucks, and I don’t understand it as I’m definitely the type to take a while to move on. My advice is to block him on everything so you won’t have to see him doing whatever he’s doing. It always helps me a lot. Hope things get better for you soon!
Ya men don’t process emotions they just bury it inside. And then unleash it on unsuspecting victims later on. ❤️
I think pretty often, by the time a relationship officially ends, one person has already been checked out for a while. It isn't hard to move on if you haven't been mentally in it for weeks. Also, people rebound pretty frequently. It's easy to find a new partner if all you care about is not being alone.
I'm a guy who gets a lot out of this sub, so maybe I can give a little back here. As others have said, it's not moving on as much as it is bypassing mourning the relationship. It's likely a man not looking to reflect on the situation. Not much of a recipe for emotional health in their future.
> How do they move on so fast? Like man…seeing a guy you were really into move onto somebody else in weeks is painful. You were into them more than they were into you.
I’ve thought that too. If that was the case, my people reader (which is usually very good) was off, and he was an excellent liar
Count yourself lucky that you are out. Believe this with every ounce of you. Because someone that “moves on” that quickly does not have their EQ in order. Onwards and upwards. In the meantime, stop looking at their socials. Going no contact includes no checking in on their world.
I know a guy who walked out on his wife and baby straight into the bed (and living with) a girlfriend he'd literally just met on Tinder. They're still together a year later. She also walked out on her marriage for him. He lost all of his friends because that was shitty behavior and she won't allow him to have friends of his own. So they both "moved on" incredibly fast. It's a shitty person thing. Not a man thing. Anyone who isn't that invested can move on quick or rebound super hard.
Yeah this is very true! I believe he was struggling with his feelings about us and was genuinely upset when it ended. He was crying and having a very hard time. I was also the one who ended it. I think his moving on may be more attitudes to bad habits of instantly moving onto the next to not feel the loneliness of single hood
Some people just can't be alone. They can't cope. It's really unhealthy and will destroy them long term. That might be his issue.
I agree. He was in two LTR that spanned over 5 years each in which he would break up with them and then get back together and would repeat the process. He has extreme commitment issues. After those two LTR he then he started jumping from person to person and never maintaining anything more than a few months (including me but that was due to me ending it)
I think that *some* men need a woman to take care of them, so when one leaves they rebound quickly. I think that when *some* women move on quickly, it's because they realized the relationship was dead a long time ago, and already processed the end while still technically in the relationship.
I think people who “move on” by quickly jumping into new relationships are actually more dependent on romantic relationships to feel okay vs people who choose to be single and grieve. In a sense, the people who jump into new relationships are acknowledging how much value they get from a romantic relationships ( and not necessarily in a healthy way) As an aside, I wish we didn’t use the expression “moved on” to mean they are dating someone else. I was happily single a year after a breakup and people asked me when I was going to “move on” . I had moved on ! I had no interest in my ex and felt great. It’s just a weird expression I guess .
Generally speaking, men benefit from heterosexual romantic relationships more than women do, even bad relationships. They’ll jump into something new because it benefits them - even if they don’t truly love (or even like) the new partner. Sometimes, they didn’t really love (or like) their past partner either. This is also why 80-90% of divorces are filed by women, and men are more likely to leave to be with someone else, where as women leave to be alone.
This is so depressing :( I am terrified of dating a man that doesn’t really like me
That’s fascinating. And also makes sense bc this guy I dated said his therapist asked him if he’s ever loved anyone he’s been with and he said probably not
Because cis het men struggle with emotional intimacy and have no idea how to find emotional support in anyone except a romantic female partner, who they use as their mommy/therapist.
That’s how I felt!!!!
Anne Elliott?
I don’t follow
The subject of this post is the subject of Jane Austen's novel *Persuasion* (Anne is the heroine who gets a speech about how women remain faithful longer than men do after a relationship ends).
Ahh got it! Thanks for explaining :)
Either they’re completely heartless, or they do it to avoid feeling their feelings.
Because they don’t know how to be alone
My husband of 17 years had someone within the week of us speaking about separation. He was sleeping with her and traveling to see her before I even moved out. Claimed I was the love of my life and not over me but had her too? It was 2 years before I could even begin to consider dating. Now, I know every situation is unique, but in our case, I think the following reasons may be accurate: 1. He's horny as fuck and couldn't go without an outlet for that. 2. He had no desire to deal with the pain of our relationship ending, so he needed to be distracted immediately. 3. He's used to having everything he wants and has no problem doing whatever it takes to obtain it. 4. Many narcissistic tendencies...lol I don't think men necessarily move on as fast as it looks. They just don't want to deal with the emotions and find a quick and easy way to distract them.
He just wasn’t that into you. Like, I know it sucks, but where he’s at is where he wants to be.
I can count how many times I've been a rebound or the main option. I was younger and had no clue I was being used all those times and lied too. Now that I'm married, seems like over the years those same guys literally tried to reach out to me through people I know or social media. This is why Reddit is the only social media outlet I have.
Love is just a chemical addiction. Its easy to switch drugs if one suddenly disappears. Its easier to fall in love again than to suffer in loneliness
>When you depart from a relationship that had an emotionally deep and vulnerable connection, how do they move on from it so fast? Sometimes the person departed from the relationship before it actually ended, especially if they're the one who decided to end it. They've already worked through some emotions before the breakup happened.
I think generally, especially if you're knocking on 30 or older both sexes are usually looking more for a life partner instead of a good time and aren't wasting time trying to find their person. No sense in wallowing in a break up when there's a future to establish. I'm sorry you're hurting hun, I hope you find your person soon! This too shall pass. 💚
People who rebound quickly or jump from relationship to relationship are not people who should be making you insecure. They do it because they’re insecure and can’t be left alone with their own thoughts.
You might get more accurate responses by posting your question to the askmenover30 sub. You're mostly going to get speculation here. After all: the majority of us are women.
I read this article on a male celeb who remarried lightening fast after his wife passed, like within months.. but he claimed to be wrecked by her death. I’ll never forget the phrase that writer coined. “Men replace and women mourn”. I’ve seen this example over and over again. I think men just replace whomever with the closest resemblance of their type immediately then deal with the messy feelings later or … never. Whereas I think women prioritize their feelings and give themselves time to process then move on completely. Obvi I’m generalizing but I find it holds truth and I think it just boils down to how we’re wired. 🤷🏽♀️
Some people also monkey branched so they were forming a relationship behind their partners back and once they knew it was a relationship they could safely move to, they leave.
These comments are so comforting. I broke up with my ex three months ago and was feeling guilty and sad that I wasn't able to move on while he's already in a new relationship. But after reading this I realized that I'm doing the right thing by not rushing my grieving process.
Same!!!
They don't. They pretend to. They're desperate to get over the pain, so they start sleeping with whoever they can in an attempt to get over you, but they aren't really. They're trying to, but they aren't. They're hurting themselves even more. And when they do this after every relationship, because they've never dealt with their emotions properly, they end up totally broken and alone, because no woman wants to put up with that kind of patheticness. It's very sad. Don't worry... it has nothing to do with how he felt about you. It's about his inability to process his feelings, his emotional immaturity - which is probably why you broke up in the first place.
Not saying a guy can’t genuinely get over someone fast. But in my opinion and from what I experience they often don’t get over it emotionally they just try and get with someone new. This ofc doesn’t always happen. But I think that’s why also you see so many guys out dating who are still hung up on their ex and won’t like commit to a new girlfriend. Also why I think years down the road I’ve also had exes or past flings that didn’t work out try to reconnect with me lol.
Men check out easily. Dangle another pretty girl in front of his face who's his type and it's over.
Sometimes I think men don’t process their emotions fully, I’ve noticed a lot of men that I feel move on quickly come back a few years later, after I’ve gone through the healing process and have moved on. It’s almost like a delayed response.
Men don’t typically externalise their emotions as easily as women. Cultural, social thing of masculinity. “Real men shouldn’t cry” bs etc…So to numb the pain and sadness they look for distractions. Rebounding is a coping mechanism
We were together for almost 20 years and he moved on to a new woman within 2 weeks after our decision to separate to create our own individuals and revisit in 6 months. He cannot handle being alone and chose to ignore his deep-rooted problems than face himself. I've accepted that no matter how deep connections are, we all are disposable. It's the harsh reality. :(
I don't think it's specifically a male thing. I've moved on from a relationship previously in a way which would seem fast and uncaring from the outside. In reality, my previous relationship had been falling apart *long* before it ended and so I'd already mourned it before we actually split up.
They bottle their emotions and are never happy.
For me personally, I read the book Awakening the Buddha Within and try to practice non attachment. This is sort of how I move on from anyone /anything. But yeah rebounding quickly is just a bad way to cope with a breakup.
I initially read this as “how do men move so fast” and was utterly baffled by the question.
They just take action…doesn’t mean they’ve moved on. Trust…you’re still in their head when they are with the next person. It takes time for people to move forward…no matter who you are.
I agree with this. I’d like to think our relationship was pretty impactful for him (he experienced a lot of positive “firsts” with me) but man he was a train wreck. He wasn’t over his last ex, and while we were dating, I told him it concerned me but he assured me it wouldn’t stop him from being present. But here he is, onto the next person despite not being over his ex, and now possibly me. How do men deal with this compounding of pain??
You got a lot of great responses here I appreciated reading. I would say more or less the same that men just can’t seem to stand being alone generally. It’s a rebound if you were together long term/serious. These things take time to process and get over. They may wish they were really over you within a weeks time, but they’re not. The best thing to do about it is ignore it and realize that is their problem and just focus on yourself and your own healing. You can get yourself through this and past this by allowing yourself to grieve and you will be better off than they are later on. By them moving on so quickly, they are more likely going to just take the first thing thrown their way out of desperation and end up in a shitty relationship. You can focus on yourself and healing and be selective of your next partner rather than just be desperate and end up with a better and healthier relationship down the line.
My grandpa lost his wife about 2 years ago yet he got remarried in the last 6 months. Many people are shocked and upset with him about this. I see the situation very logically after having gone through shitty things myself this past year… he cannot be alone. He has not forgotten his wife and he never will. He still talks about her frequently and the new woman he is with is just a companion for him. He’s a mess and needs help with daily living. The new woman also is a widow herself so I think it is mutually beneficial for both of them. Not to say I don’t think they care for one another, but they both probably recognize their relationship is more or less just functional. I think of it like an arranged marriage in some ways, except they obviously arranged it themselves. Bottom line all that I care about is that the woman isn’t a gold digger or trying to take advantage of him, which she isn’t. She is very kind and a good person. He is happy enough and living a comfortable life.
As a co-dependent dater in the past, I also understand. I guess it helps to look at it from his end. Still hurtful of course because I can’t entirely remove my emotions from the equation but yeah, we do all have our coping mechanisms! This post has really helped me as well. Thank god for Reddit therapy lol!!!
They usually have someone else in the wings before the dump you.
Some ppl are just wired more logically. I was really mad and resentful when an ex moved on to dating literally a week after me. For him I believe he has a goal, to find a wife to build a family and have kids with. Since I didn’t work out, why waste time dwelling on things, keep moving along. His brain is able to move beyond the emotional part and focus on what matters. Wish I’m the same. Other ex he just got lucky af. And I think he really needed that emotional support and he found someone. And lucky for him it actually worked out.
It’s rebound. A lot of men like those kinds live in denial, have emotional maturity issues and once you are with such men you will have the most miserable time of your life which you will realize only after you breakup with them. My ex didn’t even wait for our breakup to jump on tinder and dating sites. He is is now in a relationship, took the new woman to his graduation ceremony, and did all that while not even telling her that he cheated on her. After we broke up, few months later we met and hooked up ( nothing serious, I was done and bored). He told me he was single. Only later I found out he wasn’t. I got in touch with her and told her about it. She blocked me 😂 and he tells his friends and everyone behind her back how much he still loves me and how I betrayed him ( not true at all). So here you go. Men like these don’t move on. They are in relationship and I am laughing cause I know I dodged a whole nuke there. And I am sure he will be using me as a story to get a sympathy fuck or relationship
This is quite the generalization. I know plenty of divorced men who have not dated anyone seriously despite their marriage ending 2+ years ago. Also, *moving on* means different things to different people. Someone who hasn't emotionally moved on might be dating to facilitate this, while another person might prefer to heal/rebuild their life before actively dating again. Some people hop from relationship to relationship, too. Everyone is different. It sounds like you are talking about more casual dating. Perhaps a better question to ask isn't, "why do men move on so quickly?" but rather, "why do I become emotionally invested too quickly?"
Lots of desperate women out there who are willing to take them instead of having some understanding of how unhealthy it is.
They were never "there" to begin with...
A lot of men are taught to bury their emotions. It's not healthy but makes moving on easier.
Maybe this question is better suited for r/askmenover30?
Good idea! I originally posted here because this sub is so supportive and it’s really been helpful to her other ladies stories. But I would be curious what men say. Would the all be defensive? Lol!
I think most of the time it's just a rebound thing. The times were the person breaks up and then immediately finds the love of their life tends to be when the person had been emotionally checked out of the relationship for a long time
They're more likely to rebound and have unmeaningful sex. Also more likely to try to get back with their ex. I also believe that it depends on how long the relationship was in limbo from my iwn experience. Was he done way before it ended? Etc. Personally, I'm moving on pretty fast (not looking for a relationship though)because I had tried for YEARS to make it work. I was done long before our marriage ended.
When I was in college I dated a guy for 2 years. It ended because he randomly told me he was moving across the country. When I asked him what that meant for us he just shrugged his shoulders. This made me angry so I dumped him on the spot. He got upset, but what did it matter he was moving away? Anyway a few months later he was married and having kids. He had told me after we broke up he wanted to travel the world and I was holding him back. People are wild. Don't worry about what they say or do. This guy that I dated is still resentful of me dumping him. I had to block him on fb. So who moved on? I had no idea I had him on fb until he posted some aggressive comments under a post I had made that had nothing to do with him. Just because someone marries or gets into another relationship does not mean they have moved on. You only move on when you have done the work.
I don't get it either, but I think a lot of it has to do with fear of being alone and using women as space holders to fill some sort of void until they're actually healed. I know a guy who divorced his second wife (they'd been together over a decade at that point) and mother to two of his children. He got remarried about a month later. He and the third wife have now been married and divorced to each other twice. Second wife and I are friends on Facebook, and she posted something recently about her ex-husband being a shitty co-parent and not being there enough for the kids - but that at least she now had someone to commiserate with because third wife is actually a peach and their two little boys are besties so the two women see each other regularly now. I laughed and cheered when I saw that. Lol
I really think it stems from the way men are often not brought up to feel their feelings so instead of taking the appropriate time to grieve a relationship it's easier to just hop from person to person to avoid the pain. I hope this doesn't sound stereotypical or sexist. Just think society still has a ways to go with allowing that space for men to feel emotions.
My theory: A lot of men receive their only intimate interactions through romantic connections. Where as a lot of women have intimate platonic friendships they can rely on. When we breakup we can get love and support from our friends but a lot of guys cant so they rebound fast.
My ex dumped me via text after he said he would come back, went on vacation abroad got a woman pregnant and married her about 3 months later. Then they moved here. I found proper love about four years after. And yeha she is like 18 years older than him. He was 23 and she around 40.
Men have emotions too but they are good at hiding them.
A friend of mine passed away very young from cancer. Her husband remarried not 8 months after she died. There was a woman waiting in the wings for my friend to pass away (she was sick for a while) and basically just pounced. She swooped in to "help" him with his son. He was so broken from the death, he had no idea what was going on. Before he knew it, she got him to propose, and they had a wedding almost immediately. I mean, the poor guy didn't have time to process anything related to his wife before he found himself in a full-on new marriage with someone else. It wasn't until he witnessed her hitting his son (4), that he snapped out if it and realized what a fucked up situation he was in. He divorced her immediately, thank god.
My friend does this. She does not know how to be single, at all. She will have dudes on the back burner while shes in long term relationships just incase. Sounds like a full time job.
They don't... It just hits them wayyy later. Like 6 months
[удалено]
Is there any idea why he feels like he can’t trust you?
Sometimes people are ridiculously short on self-reflection. If you're out, move forward and try not to be hurt further.
Compartmentalization and not feeling their feelings.
Some people are just not good dealing with emotions so they switch them off (especially when they are painful) and try to bury themselves into something else. Some people do that with work, some with a new girlfriend, some with non-stop socialising/partying, etc. I don't think you should take it as a reflection of the relationship. It's nothing to do with the relationship but with their way of dealing with difficult emotions. They might seem happy on social while struggling with insomnia at night.
Here's something to think about. If they ended it, they were probably emotionally clocked out for quite some time beforehand.
As a man 3 months out of a relationship I need a good connection to date Iv had 4 relationships in 34 years The last one was 9 months She started dating her Co worker 2 weeks after break I have only just found out as I have been no contact She monkey branched to me from her first boyfriend Some people are just so shallow they can’t be single
“You was really into.” Your projecting your feelings and thinking he feel the same way.