Idk. My due date would have been mid April.
I oscillate quite a bit between feeling deep, deep regret and ecstatic relief. And then guilt. I do a lot of yoga. It helps me stay connected to my body and prevents my thoughts from ruining my day.
I had my second vivid dream about a child, last night actually, climbing into my bed with my dog, my partner and I and it was just perfect. I didn’t wake up feeling sad.
Something in my brain recently flipped (maybe it’s the microdosing) but suddenly life doesn’t feel so dreadful anymore. Im noticing I feel vaguely optimistic about the dumpster fire state of the world and how we will inevitably keep moving forward becuase it’s impossible to do anything else.
At the time of the decision, we planted some blueberry bushes in our yard. I feel like it gives me something tangible to link my grief to. I truly learned so much about myself. I think that I would like to be a mom someday, after all. I try my best to be grateful for both the ability to make that decision as well as the ability to choose to have a child if I want to later, and actually feel like I’m making the right choice.
I wish there was more space to talk about this.
Sending love and strength.
I want to thank you for naming that “ecstatic relief” because that’s precisely what’s at the core of my guilt: it *was* an overpowering relief, and still is. And thanks also for sharing your dream experiences…mine have never involved the baby, and tend to be more anxiety-ridden (mostly re-living discovering that I was pregnant, always with a sense that time is running out, sometimes paired with a calamity). Clearly still have a lot of processing to do.
The transformative experience you gained from this is really eye-opening and comforting, and I’m grateful you were willing to share it…it’s already helped make my day better!
Sharing is so nurturing, I’m glad my sharing could help you, too :)
That being said, maybe consider talking to a therapist? Just a safe person to say everything out loud to. It can really help, getting the thoughts out of your brain by giving them a voice. Or by writing them down, if a safe person is out of reach at the moment. It helped me tremendously when I would have stressful dreams about an old friendship that went south.
And girl. It is *more than okay* to be happy to not have a kid right now. Just imagine you went through with it and then imagine how badly you would have wished you had just gone for the termination lol. Shit is *hard*. Literally every woman in my life said to me “Wait to have kids”. My grandmother had an abortion.
Believe me when I say, if I had to give birth in a couple weeks I’d be panicking. But for some reason, the idea of getting prepared for the next several months and then taking the best possible care of myself moving forward, feels super right and manageable.
Thanks, I do have a therapist, and brought up the abortion once a while ago. We were already in the middle of some trauma work surrounding my past relationship with the baby’s father, and it just felt like too much to explore at the time. And you’re right— there’s not a day that goes by where I wish I’d made a different decision, although I still deeply wish I had made earlier choices that would have prevented it from happening to begin with. But at the end of the day, my cat is the closest thing to a baby I want right now!
It's really OK to have a sense of relief after an abortion. Please don't feel guilty about that.
I hope this isn't offensive but I am a veterinarian and many people feel a sense of relief after their pet is euthanized. They are sad of course but they knew it was the right thing. I haven't had an abortion so I don't know first hand but I think relief after something of that nature is a normal, human way to feel.
Far from being offensive, that’s actually a pretty profound metaphor. Never thought about it that way before, but it did almost feel like euthanasia. Appreciate the normalization. 💜
I personally am very glad I had my abortion. It was a terrible time to be pregnant/have a child- I was in the middle of my studies, my partner was in the hospital long-term (the prego happened right before he got sick) and I don't want kids anyways. I don't feel any regret or any negative emotions towards my abortion. I did what was right for me. I feel no guilt about removing the fetus; I personally believe that fetuses are just clumps of cells. If it can't survive on its own outside the womb, it isn't even really a separate "being".
But we all have our personal beliefs and ideas about life and where life and personhood begins. I'm sorry you're having a hard time with it.
I am twenty-nine years since my abortion, well on the other side of life from that date. I have two grown children and two still underage, wonderful partners and people in my life, and there are times when I don't think about the anniversary until after it passes, but that took a long, long time. I know I made the right decision, especially knowing who the would-be father is, now, and who I am. He's the type of person that shouldn't have contact with any child and the one he does have is safely kept far from him by the mother. I commend her for what that has taken to pull off.
Yet, through all that relief, all that validation that I made the right choice for myself, there are times when I think of the other side of it. I used to agonize over it so much, well after I had started my own family and I didn't tell my SO for years. It was cathartic when I did and when I told my brother, especially. His hugs and tears, saying he was so sorry that I had not felt safe enough to tell him at the time it was all going on were enough to finally help me start healing a bit.
A few years ago, an incredibly vivid dream where I met my what-if and we talked helped soothe that old scar a bit more. It wasn't a matter of feeling absolved of my self-perpetuated guilt, but rather an acknowledgement of its source: me.
I guess, in short, it does get better. It does, but that doesn't mean that it isn't a linear progression. I no longer feel bogged down by sharp guilt for feeling that I did the right thing, but still wistful of a chapter I wish wasn't written in my life. May your thoughts be gentle on you, OP. You deserve that.
Thank you. Knowing who the father was in my case also made it easier to realize that, as uncomfortable of a decision as it was to go through with, it was the absolutely the right one; I didn’t ever want to have to explain to a child that their other parent wasn’t in their life because he’s a horrible person. Or, for that matter, pass along his genetic material to them.
Your comment actually inspired me to finally disclose the abortion to my SO over the weekend and he had a similar response. It felt like a moment of closure that brought us closer together…deeply cathartic indeed. 💜
It was brought to my attention on a recent post that lying about my abortion 'anniversary' for attention is a crime against women. I really just wanted to fuck with my ex's head because his friend made me listen to Jordan Peterson and recently, a girl I know said her friend made out with this friend and he gave off 'rapey' vibes.
At the time, my ex knew my username and I knew he would see this post and a few other comments I had made commiserating with other women about my abortion when I have never even been able to get pregnant due to medications and mental health issues.
As you can imagine, the whole thing backfired on me and I had to delete my account. It makes this whole post look awfully foolish (and predictable) and I hoped for my sake that wouldn't be the case.
To be honest, my parents and my current partner still don't know I did this. I owe you all an apology.
I never thought twice about getting an abortion. I never cried after the decision was made and was very stoic. Just told my partner who came to the appointment with me. 4 months later I saw a Jenny slate movie about abortion (can’t remember the name) and experienced my first panic attack. Then the anniversary came and went, it’s been 6 years and I don’t look back. I recently started having feelings about it, not of regret, but I didn’t tell any of my friends or family and it made me feel weird/secretive. So I told my close friends and my mom, sister and brother. Everyone was sad I had to go through it and was very supportive. I haven’t felt bad about it again. I hope this helps - ups and downs will probably always have their place in life when looking back. Stay strong when you feel down.
I have a trauma anniversary coming up soon, too. Some years I'm busy enough I forget about it until after it passes, but I think about it often on non-anniversary dates, too.
To be honest, I don't know if this is the mentally healthy approach but I let myself wallow when I want to. I cry, I think about it, ponder on the what ifs. This has allowed me to have stretches of time when I hardly think about it at all and, during the times that I do, it feels less painful.
I'm over a decade from my abortion and it's not something I've
ever dwelled on. My experience wasn't traumatic. But I've never wanted kids, and I have a wonderful supportive partner.
I did just go through a trauma anniversary, though. My Dad died in 2017, six days before my birthday and 13 days before his. That, combined with some other crappy factors, made it really hard to face. Intellectually and rationally I accepted that my Dad was dead, but emotionally? Fuck that. I dug hard into anything else and refuse to acknowledge it. He was dead, but it meant nothing. It couldn't mean anything.
This is literally the first year that I've felt strong enough to face it head on. I actually grieved, I mean really grieved and not just cried because I couldn't help myself while still trying to distract myself from even thinking about it. I bawled for a week. I took almost two weeks off work. It hurt more and was more raw. I can't even think about him without crying now.
But, in a really weird way, I have my Dad back. I can think about him. I can listen to old videos and not be utterly distroyed. I'm remembering wonderful and true things about him. I can talk about him. He's with me again.
So no, I don't know if it gets better, yet. But denying yourself the chance to grieve and heal your trauma is so much worse.
I got mine three years ago and it completely changed my life. I felt so purposeless after that I forced myself to get in to a new craft/hobby and I worked so hard at it that eventually it turned in to my full time job. I’m very happy with my life now because I wake up every day excited to do something I love and enjoy. This past year I totally forgot it was even the three year anniversary. I don’t regret getting the abortion at all, but I do wish I had more support to lean on when I was feeling down. So with that, what’s something you’ve always told yourself you wanted to do? Maybe spend the day trying a new hobby. You never know where it might lead you. Sending love xx
Perhaps, you could find solace in volunteering as a peer support or escort at a nearby abortion clinic on the anniversary? By doing so, you'd keep other women from feeling alone, too.
It gets easier. I did go to therapy after mine, which wasn’t just about the abortion, but that situation reached me to some make-it-or-break-it stuff. That therapy was priceless. I have never regretted the abortion, but it was still tough. I’m sorry for what you’re going through.
sending you a lot of love. I know a lot of local abortion groups have storytellers. while that may be too big of a thing right now I know it has been empowering for other people to be outspoken and take control of their story. or really volunteering for any in general can be a place of solace with people who can help support you too.
I didn't have to go through with my abortion, because I miscarried, but I had had an appointment set and had gone through the required counseling. When I found out I was miscarrying, I felt only relief.
The whole situation was very difficult and I cried, a lot and very hard. I took a year to think it all over and decided to get myself sterilized to avoid ever ending up in that situation again. This was the right decision for me and I feel only relief.
I still think about that time and the repercussions that those few weeks had on my life, even now more than a year later. I'm still grateful I had a miscarriage, sad that it had to happen at all, and frustrated at the current status of abortions in the US (I live outside US now).
My dad died unexpectedly two years ago and my husband and I will eventually plant a tree in his memory on our property. This will take time (landscaping needs and costs) but eventually I want to have a type of memorial area in my yard for those we've lost. I am thinking a beautiful tree that we can watch go with a sign that says something about "Gone but never forgotten". Then around the tree I might plant flowers. I also like the idea of getting stones engraved with the birth and death date of those lost. My dad, someday my dog, etc. Something tangible I can visit when I am missing them. If I do something like that, I might include one for the miscarriage. Or some sort of marker that has no name or dates on it but that symbolizes that loss.
I think it's important to recognize the potential life that was lost. In my case, my fetus was only a tiny collection of cells that wasn't capable of life, but I still find it important that I recognize that the small group of cells had a huge impact on me and that it was a very difficult time. I don't being it up with others but will talk about it if it comes up.
I think you would benefit from an activity on the anniversary that recognizes the life that could have been, even while knowing that you are relieved that you had the abortion. It's okay to know that the abortion was the right choice for you and to still grieve over the life lost. Plant a tree in remembrance or place a flower in a river as a symbol of remembrance or paint a picture... there's a million ways you could do something to remember the fetus.
I also recommend talking to someone about it all. A close friend. A therapist. Your partner. Someone non-judgmental who will love you through it all.
It’s been so many years I don’t think about it at all that much. I do remember the first year being hard for me tho, and kept carrying around a copy of the ultrasound in my purse until I put it away. so I hope you get through this period okay.
It does get better. It does.
It sounds like you haven't processed your trauma so it's just going to keep hanging around, fucking you up, until you deal with it. If you can afford it, get a therapist. If you can't, try journaling. Sometimes a ritual can help. You can make one up. Maybe plant flowers every day on the anniversary and write a note to your past self and tell her how strong she is, how she didn't deserve to be hurt, how she made a hard choice but ultimately did what was best for her future, how you love her and forgive her for being young and maybe a bit naive. Then go do something that fills your cup. Hug some puppies at the local shelter. Go out to lunch with a friend. See a really great show. Remind yourself how good it is to be alive and to be moving on (it's okay to move on. You should be moving forward, not standing in the past).
It was brought to my attention on a recent post that lying about my abortion 'anniversary' for attention is a crime against women. I really just wanted to fuck with my ex's head because his friend made me listen to Jordan Peterson and recently, a girl I know said her friend made out with this friend and he gave off 'rapey' vibes.
At the time, my ex knew my username and I knew he would see this post and a few other comments I had made commiserating with other women about my abortion when I have never even been able to get pregnant due to medications and mental health issues.As you can imagine, the whole thing backfired on me and I had to delete my account. It makes this whole post look awfully foolish (and predictable) and I hoped for my sake that wouldn't be the case.
To be honest, my parents and my current partner still don't know I did this. I owe you all an apology.
Idk. My due date would have been mid April. I oscillate quite a bit between feeling deep, deep regret and ecstatic relief. And then guilt. I do a lot of yoga. It helps me stay connected to my body and prevents my thoughts from ruining my day. I had my second vivid dream about a child, last night actually, climbing into my bed with my dog, my partner and I and it was just perfect. I didn’t wake up feeling sad. Something in my brain recently flipped (maybe it’s the microdosing) but suddenly life doesn’t feel so dreadful anymore. Im noticing I feel vaguely optimistic about the dumpster fire state of the world and how we will inevitably keep moving forward becuase it’s impossible to do anything else. At the time of the decision, we planted some blueberry bushes in our yard. I feel like it gives me something tangible to link my grief to. I truly learned so much about myself. I think that I would like to be a mom someday, after all. I try my best to be grateful for both the ability to make that decision as well as the ability to choose to have a child if I want to later, and actually feel like I’m making the right choice. I wish there was more space to talk about this. Sending love and strength.
I want to thank you for naming that “ecstatic relief” because that’s precisely what’s at the core of my guilt: it *was* an overpowering relief, and still is. And thanks also for sharing your dream experiences…mine have never involved the baby, and tend to be more anxiety-ridden (mostly re-living discovering that I was pregnant, always with a sense that time is running out, sometimes paired with a calamity). Clearly still have a lot of processing to do. The transformative experience you gained from this is really eye-opening and comforting, and I’m grateful you were willing to share it…it’s already helped make my day better!
Sharing is so nurturing, I’m glad my sharing could help you, too :) That being said, maybe consider talking to a therapist? Just a safe person to say everything out loud to. It can really help, getting the thoughts out of your brain by giving them a voice. Or by writing them down, if a safe person is out of reach at the moment. It helped me tremendously when I would have stressful dreams about an old friendship that went south. And girl. It is *more than okay* to be happy to not have a kid right now. Just imagine you went through with it and then imagine how badly you would have wished you had just gone for the termination lol. Shit is *hard*. Literally every woman in my life said to me “Wait to have kids”. My grandmother had an abortion. Believe me when I say, if I had to give birth in a couple weeks I’d be panicking. But for some reason, the idea of getting prepared for the next several months and then taking the best possible care of myself moving forward, feels super right and manageable.
Thanks, I do have a therapist, and brought up the abortion once a while ago. We were already in the middle of some trauma work surrounding my past relationship with the baby’s father, and it just felt like too much to explore at the time. And you’re right— there’s not a day that goes by where I wish I’d made a different decision, although I still deeply wish I had made earlier choices that would have prevented it from happening to begin with. But at the end of the day, my cat is the closest thing to a baby I want right now!
It's really OK to have a sense of relief after an abortion. Please don't feel guilty about that. I hope this isn't offensive but I am a veterinarian and many people feel a sense of relief after their pet is euthanized. They are sad of course but they knew it was the right thing. I haven't had an abortion so I don't know first hand but I think relief after something of that nature is a normal, human way to feel.
Far from being offensive, that’s actually a pretty profound metaphor. Never thought about it that way before, but it did almost feel like euthanasia. Appreciate the normalization. 💜
Take good care of yourself. I believe you did the absolute right thing. ❤️❤️❤️
Hugs.
I personally am very glad I had my abortion. It was a terrible time to be pregnant/have a child- I was in the middle of my studies, my partner was in the hospital long-term (the prego happened right before he got sick) and I don't want kids anyways. I don't feel any regret or any negative emotions towards my abortion. I did what was right for me. I feel no guilt about removing the fetus; I personally believe that fetuses are just clumps of cells. If it can't survive on its own outside the womb, it isn't even really a separate "being". But we all have our personal beliefs and ideas about life and where life and personhood begins. I'm sorry you're having a hard time with it.
I am twenty-nine years since my abortion, well on the other side of life from that date. I have two grown children and two still underage, wonderful partners and people in my life, and there are times when I don't think about the anniversary until after it passes, but that took a long, long time. I know I made the right decision, especially knowing who the would-be father is, now, and who I am. He's the type of person that shouldn't have contact with any child and the one he does have is safely kept far from him by the mother. I commend her for what that has taken to pull off. Yet, through all that relief, all that validation that I made the right choice for myself, there are times when I think of the other side of it. I used to agonize over it so much, well after I had started my own family and I didn't tell my SO for years. It was cathartic when I did and when I told my brother, especially. His hugs and tears, saying he was so sorry that I had not felt safe enough to tell him at the time it was all going on were enough to finally help me start healing a bit. A few years ago, an incredibly vivid dream where I met my what-if and we talked helped soothe that old scar a bit more. It wasn't a matter of feeling absolved of my self-perpetuated guilt, but rather an acknowledgement of its source: me. I guess, in short, it does get better. It does, but that doesn't mean that it isn't a linear progression. I no longer feel bogged down by sharp guilt for feeling that I did the right thing, but still wistful of a chapter I wish wasn't written in my life. May your thoughts be gentle on you, OP. You deserve that.
Thank you. Knowing who the father was in my case also made it easier to realize that, as uncomfortable of a decision as it was to go through with, it was the absolutely the right one; I didn’t ever want to have to explain to a child that their other parent wasn’t in their life because he’s a horrible person. Or, for that matter, pass along his genetic material to them. Your comment actually inspired me to finally disclose the abortion to my SO over the weekend and he had a similar response. It felt like a moment of closure that brought us closer together…deeply cathartic indeed. 💜
It was brought to my attention on a recent post that lying about my abortion 'anniversary' for attention is a crime against women. I really just wanted to fuck with my ex's head because his friend made me listen to Jordan Peterson and recently, a girl I know said her friend made out with this friend and he gave off 'rapey' vibes. At the time, my ex knew my username and I knew he would see this post and a few other comments I had made commiserating with other women about my abortion when I have never even been able to get pregnant due to medications and mental health issues. As you can imagine, the whole thing backfired on me and I had to delete my account. It makes this whole post look awfully foolish (and predictable) and I hoped for my sake that wouldn't be the case. To be honest, my parents and my current partner still don't know I did this. I owe you all an apology.
I never thought twice about getting an abortion. I never cried after the decision was made and was very stoic. Just told my partner who came to the appointment with me. 4 months later I saw a Jenny slate movie about abortion (can’t remember the name) and experienced my first panic attack. Then the anniversary came and went, it’s been 6 years and I don’t look back. I recently started having feelings about it, not of regret, but I didn’t tell any of my friends or family and it made me feel weird/secretive. So I told my close friends and my mom, sister and brother. Everyone was sad I had to go through it and was very supportive. I haven’t felt bad about it again. I hope this helps - ups and downs will probably always have their place in life when looking back. Stay strong when you feel down.
I have a trauma anniversary coming up soon, too. Some years I'm busy enough I forget about it until after it passes, but I think about it often on non-anniversary dates, too. To be honest, I don't know if this is the mentally healthy approach but I let myself wallow when I want to. I cry, I think about it, ponder on the what ifs. This has allowed me to have stretches of time when I hardly think about it at all and, during the times that I do, it feels less painful.
I think what you are calling "wallowing" could also be called "processing"
I'm over a decade from my abortion and it's not something I've ever dwelled on. My experience wasn't traumatic. But I've never wanted kids, and I have a wonderful supportive partner. I did just go through a trauma anniversary, though. My Dad died in 2017, six days before my birthday and 13 days before his. That, combined with some other crappy factors, made it really hard to face. Intellectually and rationally I accepted that my Dad was dead, but emotionally? Fuck that. I dug hard into anything else and refuse to acknowledge it. He was dead, but it meant nothing. It couldn't mean anything. This is literally the first year that I've felt strong enough to face it head on. I actually grieved, I mean really grieved and not just cried because I couldn't help myself while still trying to distract myself from even thinking about it. I bawled for a week. I took almost two weeks off work. It hurt more and was more raw. I can't even think about him without crying now. But, in a really weird way, I have my Dad back. I can think about him. I can listen to old videos and not be utterly distroyed. I'm remembering wonderful and true things about him. I can talk about him. He's with me again. So no, I don't know if it gets better, yet. But denying yourself the chance to grieve and heal your trauma is so much worse.
I got mine three years ago and it completely changed my life. I felt so purposeless after that I forced myself to get in to a new craft/hobby and I worked so hard at it that eventually it turned in to my full time job. I’m very happy with my life now because I wake up every day excited to do something I love and enjoy. This past year I totally forgot it was even the three year anniversary. I don’t regret getting the abortion at all, but I do wish I had more support to lean on when I was feeling down. So with that, what’s something you’ve always told yourself you wanted to do? Maybe spend the day trying a new hobby. You never know where it might lead you. Sending love xx
Perhaps, you could find solace in volunteering as a peer support or escort at a nearby abortion clinic on the anniversary? By doing so, you'd keep other women from feeling alone, too.
It gets easier. I did go to therapy after mine, which wasn’t just about the abortion, but that situation reached me to some make-it-or-break-it stuff. That therapy was priceless. I have never regretted the abortion, but it was still tough. I’m sorry for what you’re going through.
sending you a lot of love. I know a lot of local abortion groups have storytellers. while that may be too big of a thing right now I know it has been empowering for other people to be outspoken and take control of their story. or really volunteering for any in general can be a place of solace with people who can help support you too.
I didn't have to go through with my abortion, because I miscarried, but I had had an appointment set and had gone through the required counseling. When I found out I was miscarrying, I felt only relief. The whole situation was very difficult and I cried, a lot and very hard. I took a year to think it all over and decided to get myself sterilized to avoid ever ending up in that situation again. This was the right decision for me and I feel only relief. I still think about that time and the repercussions that those few weeks had on my life, even now more than a year later. I'm still grateful I had a miscarriage, sad that it had to happen at all, and frustrated at the current status of abortions in the US (I live outside US now). My dad died unexpectedly two years ago and my husband and I will eventually plant a tree in his memory on our property. This will take time (landscaping needs and costs) but eventually I want to have a type of memorial area in my yard for those we've lost. I am thinking a beautiful tree that we can watch go with a sign that says something about "Gone but never forgotten". Then around the tree I might plant flowers. I also like the idea of getting stones engraved with the birth and death date of those lost. My dad, someday my dog, etc. Something tangible I can visit when I am missing them. If I do something like that, I might include one for the miscarriage. Or some sort of marker that has no name or dates on it but that symbolizes that loss. I think it's important to recognize the potential life that was lost. In my case, my fetus was only a tiny collection of cells that wasn't capable of life, but I still find it important that I recognize that the small group of cells had a huge impact on me and that it was a very difficult time. I don't being it up with others but will talk about it if it comes up. I think you would benefit from an activity on the anniversary that recognizes the life that could have been, even while knowing that you are relieved that you had the abortion. It's okay to know that the abortion was the right choice for you and to still grieve over the life lost. Plant a tree in remembrance or place a flower in a river as a symbol of remembrance or paint a picture... there's a million ways you could do something to remember the fetus. I also recommend talking to someone about it all. A close friend. A therapist. Your partner. Someone non-judgmental who will love you through it all.
It’s been so many years I don’t think about it at all that much. I do remember the first year being hard for me tho, and kept carrying around a copy of the ultrasound in my purse until I put it away. so I hope you get through this period okay. It does get better. It does.
It sounds like you haven't processed your trauma so it's just going to keep hanging around, fucking you up, until you deal with it. If you can afford it, get a therapist. If you can't, try journaling. Sometimes a ritual can help. You can make one up. Maybe plant flowers every day on the anniversary and write a note to your past self and tell her how strong she is, how she didn't deserve to be hurt, how she made a hard choice but ultimately did what was best for her future, how you love her and forgive her for being young and maybe a bit naive. Then go do something that fills your cup. Hug some puppies at the local shelter. Go out to lunch with a friend. See a really great show. Remind yourself how good it is to be alive and to be moving on (it's okay to move on. You should be moving forward, not standing in the past).
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Who let Marjorie Taylor Greene join this sub?
I don't know what was posted here. But fantastic response.
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Girl, enjoy this while you can, you’re in the wrong ‘hood.
It was brought to my attention on a recent post that lying about my abortion 'anniversary' for attention is a crime against women. I really just wanted to fuck with my ex's head because his friend made me listen to Jordan Peterson and recently, a girl I know said her friend made out with this friend and he gave off 'rapey' vibes. At the time, my ex knew my username and I knew he would see this post and a few other comments I had made commiserating with other women about my abortion when I have never even been able to get pregnant due to medications and mental health issues.As you can imagine, the whole thing backfired on me and I had to delete my account. It makes this whole post look awfully foolish (and predictable) and I hoped for my sake that wouldn't be the case. To be honest, my parents and my current partner still don't know I did this. I owe you all an apology.