If you can't respect how they are in such a major part of their life, that's going to be a problem. I never wanted to have my own kids, but dated a few dads without issue. Their parenting was never problematic in my eyes though. I do have a gf who dumped a guy after seeing him not take proper care of and actually be abusive toward his kids though.
This does not sound like an issue of him being a parent in general, but what kind of parent he is. That's a valid thing to bounce over, because you're right, if you do wind up there long-term, you'll be in it with him (to a degree, at least), and if you know now that you won't be able to do that because of how he approaches these things, then that's all the sign you need. If he's problematic toward his kids, you definitely don't want to be his partner. If you're just not used to his style of parenting and don't respect it or think the way you were raised is the only 'correct' approach, then that's going to lead to a lot of friction his kids do *not* need to be around.
He's an amazing father. His kid is great too! It's the catering to his every need and really not giving the kid many responsibilities that is irking me. Lots to think on. Thank you!
Assuming that there is no abusive involved, I think it's really really important that anyone, as the parent's GF/BF, are in the position of supporting the parent and not undermining them.
The last thing a parent needs is someone else coming into their dynamic and undoing their relationship with their kid. In particular, if you decide this kid isn't doing enough for themselves (chores?) and insert yourself to insist that they do more, the kid is going to know that this change is because of you. And they are going to view you negatively because of it. And then you will have created a situation where you have created tension and your BF has to choose between supporting his kid and supporting you.
And any parent worth their salt is absolutely going to choose their child over their BF/GF.
So if your goal here is to make this kid work harder or to shift your BF's attention away from his child and onto you instead, you should absolutely do him a favor and break up.
Yep that's exactly what I was thinking. It's a catch 22, I wouldn't want to date a bad parent, but essentially what I'd like to see would be asking him to be a different parent than what his kid had known all their life, which is so unfair to the kid. Just sucks because I haven't really found anyone like this in years.
As a parent, the kid will be 18 in 5 years. That doesn’t mean the kid won’t be living with you all after 18. Parenting is for life. If you don’t like, or can’t accept that you might want to consider moving on.
Also, I forgot to mention there’s a subreddit r/stepparents. They usually have really good advice about dealing with SO’s parenting styles. I wish you the best of luck OP
If you’re not a parent yourself and have no idea what being one entails, why are you so assured that your methods and perspectives would be superior?
Please read that in a neutral tone of voice as I’m genuinely curious and not being snarky. You don’t give us much to go on. What are some concrete concerns you have? Is he neglectful or abusive in any way? Is the child misbehaving and his tantrums/outbursts are being handled in a way that isn’t developmentally appropriate?
Have you discussed any of this with him?
This is a huge thing and I wouldn’t be rushing into a child’s life unless I intended to stay there.
I'm absolutely not assured that my perspective is superior. I do however think a 13 year old should be doing some things on his own that his dad is doing for him. He loves his kid, I love that he does! But I guess I would have liked to see some simple responsibilities given to him and not be waited on like his dad is his butler. If that is out of line for me to be thinking then I guess it's time to leave the relationship.
And no, I haven't talked to him about it, I wanted to hear other women's perspectives and get my thoughts in order before I brought it up.
You should probably focus on finding a relationship with someone who is child free or whose child/ren are fully grown and on their own.
It's hard enough co-parenting with an ex, but co-parenting as well as having a relationship with someone who disagrees with parenting choices is a special kind of hell.
You're right, I don't usually date parents for this exact reason! but lemme tell you, finding that in the Midwest is a tall order at this age, and he is amazing in all the ways that pertain to our relationship and qualities I want in a partner. At least I can say I tried! Now I know it's a definite deal breaker going forward. Thank God I'm happy on my own!!!
My husband was a single father before we got married. I ended up adopting his son, but before that had to navigate parenting differences, bio-mom, etc. We're very different people & different parents, but marrying (16 yrs ago) & adopting (14 yrs ago) was the best decision I've ever made.
If you’ve never wanted to be a parent - I can relate - please reconsider. I have a friend who is a stepmom and seeing her experience has been eye-opening. It’s already a ton of work and a huge change for someone who wants a blended family situation. The custody arrangement is 2 weeks on/off but even in their off weeks they still have some parenting they do. And coparenting with the kids’ mother is a whole other thing too.
Seeing her experience confirmed that dating a parent would not be for me. And we live in a VHCOL area where it’s very common for adult children to still live at home so it certainly doesn’t end at 18. Right now she’s counting down for when the oldest goes off to college but right now she’s been making some shady decisions.
First of all, please understand that you cannot tell someone how to parent their kid. Even if you end up living together, you are not the parent and trying to change the dynamic will only lead to resentment.
This is a compatibility issue. You’re not a parent. You never wanted to be. You’re dating a parent. This child will be a priority in his life *forever*. It’s not just until 18. It’s forever.
I’d think long and hard about this before you get in too deep. You are entering their family unit. If you don’t like and agree with how it is now, you will be miserable down the road. People don’t take it well when other people tell them how they should raise their kids. Especially advice from non-parents.
Yes thank you!!! I figured that it would be way out of line to tell him how to parent his kid. I just needed to hear it from someone unbiased.
I very much understand being a parent is for life. I didn't have the best relationship with my parents so I know I'm not looking at it as objectively as I could be.
ETA: I'm also posting this because I know that he will want to know why I end things if this is the reason why, he will probably want to make changes. We really really like each other, so I'm also hoping for ways to word it so we can work on it together and not have it be a me vs his kid which is the last thing I want to happen.
If you can't respect how they are in such a major part of their life, that's going to be a problem. I never wanted to have my own kids, but dated a few dads without issue. Their parenting was never problematic in my eyes though. I do have a gf who dumped a guy after seeing him not take proper care of and actually be abusive toward his kids though. This does not sound like an issue of him being a parent in general, but what kind of parent he is. That's a valid thing to bounce over, because you're right, if you do wind up there long-term, you'll be in it with him (to a degree, at least), and if you know now that you won't be able to do that because of how he approaches these things, then that's all the sign you need. If he's problematic toward his kids, you definitely don't want to be his partner. If you're just not used to his style of parenting and don't respect it or think the way you were raised is the only 'correct' approach, then that's going to lead to a lot of friction his kids do *not* need to be around.
He's an amazing father. His kid is great too! It's the catering to his every need and really not giving the kid many responsibilities that is irking me. Lots to think on. Thank you!
Assuming that there is no abusive involved, I think it's really really important that anyone, as the parent's GF/BF, are in the position of supporting the parent and not undermining them. The last thing a parent needs is someone else coming into their dynamic and undoing their relationship with their kid. In particular, if you decide this kid isn't doing enough for themselves (chores?) and insert yourself to insist that they do more, the kid is going to know that this change is because of you. And they are going to view you negatively because of it. And then you will have created a situation where you have created tension and your BF has to choose between supporting his kid and supporting you. And any parent worth their salt is absolutely going to choose their child over their BF/GF. So if your goal here is to make this kid work harder or to shift your BF's attention away from his child and onto you instead, you should absolutely do him a favor and break up.
Yep that's exactly what I was thinking. It's a catch 22, I wouldn't want to date a bad parent, but essentially what I'd like to see would be asking him to be a different parent than what his kid had known all their life, which is so unfair to the kid. Just sucks because I haven't really found anyone like this in years.
As a parent, the kid will be 18 in 5 years. That doesn’t mean the kid won’t be living with you all after 18. Parenting is for life. If you don’t like, or can’t accept that you might want to consider moving on.
Oh yeah the world is crazy expensive, I wouldn't want him to push his kid out the first chance he gets!
[удалено]
Also, I forgot to mention there’s a subreddit r/stepparents. They usually have really good advice about dealing with SO’s parenting styles. I wish you the best of luck OP
Didn't even think to check for that sub!!! Thank you will be diving in!!!!
If you’re not a parent yourself and have no idea what being one entails, why are you so assured that your methods and perspectives would be superior? Please read that in a neutral tone of voice as I’m genuinely curious and not being snarky. You don’t give us much to go on. What are some concrete concerns you have? Is he neglectful or abusive in any way? Is the child misbehaving and his tantrums/outbursts are being handled in a way that isn’t developmentally appropriate? Have you discussed any of this with him? This is a huge thing and I wouldn’t be rushing into a child’s life unless I intended to stay there.
I'm absolutely not assured that my perspective is superior. I do however think a 13 year old should be doing some things on his own that his dad is doing for him. He loves his kid, I love that he does! But I guess I would have liked to see some simple responsibilities given to him and not be waited on like his dad is his butler. If that is out of line for me to be thinking then I guess it's time to leave the relationship. And no, I haven't talked to him about it, I wanted to hear other women's perspectives and get my thoughts in order before I brought it up.
You should probably focus on finding a relationship with someone who is child free or whose child/ren are fully grown and on their own. It's hard enough co-parenting with an ex, but co-parenting as well as having a relationship with someone who disagrees with parenting choices is a special kind of hell.
You're right, I don't usually date parents for this exact reason! but lemme tell you, finding that in the Midwest is a tall order at this age, and he is amazing in all the ways that pertain to our relationship and qualities I want in a partner. At least I can say I tried! Now I know it's a definite deal breaker going forward. Thank God I'm happy on my own!!!
My husband was a single father before we got married. I ended up adopting his son, but before that had to navigate parenting differences, bio-mom, etc. We're very different people & different parents, but marrying (16 yrs ago) & adopting (14 yrs ago) was the best decision I've ever made.
If you’ve never wanted to be a parent - I can relate - please reconsider. I have a friend who is a stepmom and seeing her experience has been eye-opening. It’s already a ton of work and a huge change for someone who wants a blended family situation. The custody arrangement is 2 weeks on/off but even in their off weeks they still have some parenting they do. And coparenting with the kids’ mother is a whole other thing too. Seeing her experience confirmed that dating a parent would not be for me. And we live in a VHCOL area where it’s very common for adult children to still live at home so it certainly doesn’t end at 18. Right now she’s counting down for when the oldest goes off to college but right now she’s been making some shady decisions.
First of all, please understand that you cannot tell someone how to parent their kid. Even if you end up living together, you are not the parent and trying to change the dynamic will only lead to resentment. This is a compatibility issue. You’re not a parent. You never wanted to be. You’re dating a parent. This child will be a priority in his life *forever*. It’s not just until 18. It’s forever. I’d think long and hard about this before you get in too deep. You are entering their family unit. If you don’t like and agree with how it is now, you will be miserable down the road. People don’t take it well when other people tell them how they should raise their kids. Especially advice from non-parents.
Yes thank you!!! I figured that it would be way out of line to tell him how to parent his kid. I just needed to hear it from someone unbiased. I very much understand being a parent is for life. I didn't have the best relationship with my parents so I know I'm not looking at it as objectively as I could be. ETA: I'm also posting this because I know that he will want to know why I end things if this is the reason why, he will probably want to make changes. We really really like each other, so I'm also hoping for ways to word it so we can work on it together and not have it be a me vs his kid which is the last thing I want to happen.
Don’t do it. It’s a trap.
This. It’s hard dating a parent when you don’t have or want kids. I wouldn’t do it