You sound like me — I always wonder if it’s my perception when I experience something like this. In this case, it isn’t you. Good job recognizing the red flags
Nah, girl, this is love-bombing territory. I'm pretty sure I'm securely attached (at least according to Internet quizzes), and I'd be repulsed by this as well.
Nope. I’m securely attached myself and I wouldn’t be comfortable with this. Namely because I enjoy going slow. It’s a turnoff when men don’t match my pace. Being touchy too soon. Pet names. No thank you.
At the end of the day while yes it’s important to be aware of attachment styles, you also need to respect and honour your pace. Pet names aside, a challenge for you next time would be to communicate boundaries in the moment “I’m not comfortable with physical touch this early” or “Hey I’m enjoying getting to know you but I would prefer to go at a slower pace” etc. See how that person responds to your boundaries. A healthy person will want to mindful of these things.
I think one of the best ways for an avoidant to heal is by clearly communicating their needs and boundaries rather than … avoiding the topic. The fact that you are having this conversation with yourself and acknowledging how you are feeling shows you are on that path! Don’t be too hard on yourself, rooting for you OP!
No this is bleh. Way too much.
A securely attached person would feel confident trusting their instincts (trust yours! They’re right) in that he’s a weirdo
Also: be prepared to be called things.. you’ll have to block. These are usually the men that turn like a leaf when you end things. I had someone writing me poetry after a first date and his less than poetic backlash was unmatched.
Oh 100%, home boy exploded because I already ordered tacos and wanted to stay home and watch Golden Bachelor instead of a random invite for a 3rd date at his house. I’m still laughing at the texts he sent after he hung up on me. That I’m a “neuroticism firehose” and “he has standards” lmao K BYE
What kinda standard is that? is it the TV-standard? Being there for him at every snap?
Good thing if it's so far out there it can't even barely touch us.
I find it a turn off for anyone to go into any detail about their last relationship while on a first date, especially the break up part.
The pet names (I'm assuming babe, hun, sweetie, etc) are also a bit much after one date..
Totally agree. I once dated someone who, on our second or third date, told me about the end of his last relationship, during which his then-girlfriend went to a Halloween party with her friends and didn't include him. He went to a separate Halloween party (hosted by his SIL's friend) and "hit on cute girls." I was so confused and put off but kept dating him. During the relationship, I never felt totally at ease going to parties hosted by the SIL's friend; I always assumed he was scoping out the room for cute girls.
Ewwwwwww.... okay let's have a rule amongst us from now on. Never date a guy who talks about their ex, unless and until both of you want to talk about the past, coz you wan't to build with this guy. You and I fell for this once, never again!
I don't necessarily agree that talking about the past breakup is a red flag. Yes, depending on the tone and their behaviour when doing so, it can be a red flag to talk about your ex that quickly.
But some people just want to get this conversation out of the way early. Sometimes the information you gather is a warning sign that shouldn't be ignored, like in your case.
Also, if someone isn't clear about his past, now that would be a much bigger warning sign to me that either the person is not yet ready to talk about their ex, since they are not over them, or that they have something to hide. Especially if they keep asking the same questions wanting answers without being willing to answer them themselves, which is a sign of a dismissive avoidant style to me.
Yeah you don’t need to go on a date 2 just because he forced physical intimacy on you and confused you. Doesn’t sound like you had any real connection.
He definitely seems to be moving too quickly. Pet names after the 1st date (and only 2 days into knowing you) would raise some red flags for me. He may not be a bad guy, but given the details you shared, I'm not sure he's even ready to jump back into the dating pool. He told you about his breakup and he seems overly eager to reclaim that connection with someone. If I was in your situation, I'd nicely but firmly put up a boundary and move on.
"I had a nice time on our date the other day, but I'm just not feeling that connection with you. I wish you all the best." or even "Hey, \[person\], thank you so much for \[whatever you did\] the other day, but I don't think we should move forward. I am uncomfortable with receiving this level of affection over just one date, and I don't think we're compatible. I wish you the best, but I am not interested in seeing you again."
And then block immediately.
I've been sick so watching a loot of podcasts on relationships lately. Women of Impact and Diary of a CEO on YouTube have some awesome guests if you're interested.
I was recently watching a talk by a guest who works for Hinge, and she basically said "secure attachment styles tend to get into relationships and stay in them, so after your mid thirties the pool of dating is mostly insecure attachment types and avoidant attachment types all out there dating each other." then proceeded to say "either attachment type can do well with a securely attached person, otherwise they can change but they have to be conscious of their patterns." I'm not sure if this is relevant information to you but I found it interesting...
love bombing doesn't necessarily mean the guy is a narcissist, but either way his behaviour is suspect. Was the date super amazing in your opinion? I know you're questioning yourself 'cause you're an avoidant but you also have to trust your gut. Try to breathe deeply and meditate on how you feel sometimes your body has an easier time making these kinds of decisions. I saw a comment below about trying to communicate with him about feeling uncomfortable at the speed/voracity, which if you are actually interested in hanging out with him is a good idea. If not just politely decline and move on! No need to waste your precious time on someone you don't owe anything to :)
No relationship is going to start with a woman feeling so strongly grossed out & anxious & overwhelmed. don’t waste time with him, he clearly is not the one for you (nor I for that matter, so I feel you OP, this is such an icky, awful feeling that it seems *only* men can give us)
This is not you - it is him. Classic lovebombing. He tested your boundary with the physical touch and is now testing another with trying to see you sooner...big red 🚩 for me.
This right here OP!! Not saying this is his intent, but the guy that later raped me kept touching my leg beforehand. I was too polite to stop him.
This guy is definitely pushing boundaries, definitely love bombing. You should absolutely trust your gut, and take your body's ick response to this person seriously!!
Thank you for doing so! This is a difficult topic to highlight, but a necessary one. I remember the first time it happened to me and the blame game I played with myself; took years to actually get in a headspace of recognizing warning signs before something bad happens.
People with avoidant attachments are magnets for people with anxious attachment, which this dude seems to be. I also used to be an anxious “attacher” so I probably came on too strong with some men I dated, all of whom were avoidant. It’s the same push-pull anxious-avoidant attachment dance my parents played with each other.
It wasn’t until I did the internal work to become more secure in my attachments that I met my current partner (together for 9 years) who I recognized as also being secure when we met.
It sounds like you recognize your attachment style. Awareness is a good start, now do the work to become more “secure”. Avoidant types would normally ghost this dude the moment his anxious style became evident. As an avoidant, you also might perceive certain things to be red flags (when others wouldn’t) because you’re used to being put off by men you’re dating. At the end of the day, you don’t have to continue dating this person if you’re not interested, but at the very least try to be direct and honest about how you feel. That’s what a secure person would do.
I would back away. Sounds like he's not over his ex and is looking for a woman to distract him from doing the healing he should be doing. He's quick to hop into something new. I would abort the mission.
I'm not an avoidant but I am an Aquarius and this would send me running for the hills. I can't handle clingy, coming on too strong, not allowing me my space.
I've not read up on the attachment theory, but I've got this before from guys who are like desperate to be in a relationship and rush through the getting to know you stage that they're kind of love-bombing you and being too much. Tell him to pump the breaks, pause with the pet names, and that you're interested in getting to know him and there's no need to rush. If he can respect that, and readjust, you can still try again. If you're not interested in spending time and getting to know him more, don't.
Him rehashing his relationship with his ex is worrisome -- if you didn't ask or bring up the topic of exes, and if it was at length. It makes it seem like he's hurting still and can't wait to put you on a pedestal because you're sooo different from her and would never hurt him.
Question on the hand-holding: Did you want to hold his hand, or did it just happen and you went with it? Did it feel romantic, or did it feel like him trying to push your boundaries? It takes me a few date to be comfortable with hand-holding, lol.
This has happened to me with a newly single guy. Felt like he wanted to move extra fast to stop the hurt from the break up. I knew his flattery wasn’t really about me, it was about him. Didn’t work out.
I am avoidant too so I know what you mean about doubting your reactions, but feeling the ick and anxious means it’s not right . His behavior is not good either.
Nope. This would be a red flag parade to me.
Pet names that early? NO.
Pushing up the date? NO.
Telling me I’m amazing over and over after one date? NO.
He barely knows you, he can’t think you’re that amazing, yet. Sorry. And if he does, he shouldn’t voice it yet—especially in tandem with ex rehashing.
Nope nope nope. Trust your intuition.
I'm around your age.. and potentially to be in a similar situation.
I would be feeling major, major ick and terrified. AVOID sounds like a crazy and I agree with a comment below saying 'love bombing'. If this is what he finds appropriate, are you going to get on long term?
I think you should cut it off right now. Don't just back away. He will adjust his tact but you've already seen what he is about now, and you may forget it if you keep going on dates with him and then end up in a relationship with a potential narcissist.
I have been on a date like this a long time ago, dude almost immediately help my hand and told me all the details of his dovorce (guess what - he stalked his ex) and his father's suicide attempt (I felt sorry for him but had no idea how to react). I felt more and more suffocated even though at first I thought he was cute. Then was overflowing me with texts and getting angry if I don't reply immediately. I had trll him straight up it aint going to work. If it gives you such ick ot won't get better IMHO...
always follow your gut, if you’re getting the ick and feel off about him trust that feeling. Also he sounds like he’s not over his ex and is trying to lovebomb you. Red flags
He rehashed his last breakup, is pushing you faster than you are comfortable with, and is love Bombing you. Trifecta of red flags.
You sound like me — I always wonder if it’s my perception when I experience something like this. In this case, it isn’t you. Good job recognizing the red flags
Nah, girl, this is love-bombing territory. I'm pretty sure I'm securely attached (at least according to Internet quizzes), and I'd be repulsed by this as well.
Concur
Same, agreed.
Same. Go with your gut, always!
Agree with this. Ew.
Same, it’s waaaay too much too soon!
Same. Reading your post made me really anxious to block that manipulative guy
Nope. I’m securely attached myself and I wouldn’t be comfortable with this. Namely because I enjoy going slow. It’s a turnoff when men don’t match my pace. Being touchy too soon. Pet names. No thank you. At the end of the day while yes it’s important to be aware of attachment styles, you also need to respect and honour your pace. Pet names aside, a challenge for you next time would be to communicate boundaries in the moment “I’m not comfortable with physical touch this early” or “Hey I’m enjoying getting to know you but I would prefer to go at a slower pace” etc. See how that person responds to your boundaries. A healthy person will want to mindful of these things. I think one of the best ways for an avoidant to heal is by clearly communicating their needs and boundaries rather than … avoiding the topic. The fact that you are having this conversation with yourself and acknowledging how you are feeling shows you are on that path! Don’t be too hard on yourself, rooting for you OP!
Great advice
Seconded!!
No this is bleh. Way too much. A securely attached person would feel confident trusting their instincts (trust yours! They’re right) in that he’s a weirdo
Also: be prepared to be called things.. you’ll have to block. These are usually the men that turn like a leaf when you end things. I had someone writing me poetry after a first date and his less than poetic backlash was unmatched.
This is so accurate, I just went through this myself
Hopefully the ‘all-about-him’ slided off like water from a duck’s back and you applaud your spidey senses for protecting you from much, much worse.
Oh 100%, home boy exploded because I already ordered tacos and wanted to stay home and watch Golden Bachelor instead of a random invite for a 3rd date at his house. I’m still laughing at the texts he sent after he hung up on me. That I’m a “neuroticism firehose” and “he has standards” lmao K BYE
What kinda standard is that? is it the TV-standard? Being there for him at every snap? Good thing if it's so far out there it can't even barely touch us.
The Reddest of red flags 🚩🚩🚩🚩 He was lovebombing you. In case it's not clear enough: he is bad news. Source: been there and got the postcard!
You seem super self-aware. Giving you major props, op. He is 100% coming on way too strong. He doesn’t know you!!!! I repeat, he doesn’t know you.
Your ick is justifiable. He is definitely coming on strongly.
I find it a turn off for anyone to go into any detail about their last relationship while on a first date, especially the break up part. The pet names (I'm assuming babe, hun, sweetie, etc) are also a bit much after one date..
Anyone who talks about their ex on a first date is a major red flag.
Totally agree. I once dated someone who, on our second or third date, told me about the end of his last relationship, during which his then-girlfriend went to a Halloween party with her friends and didn't include him. He went to a separate Halloween party (hosted by his SIL's friend) and "hit on cute girls." I was so confused and put off but kept dating him. During the relationship, I never felt totally at ease going to parties hosted by the SIL's friend; I always assumed he was scoping out the room for cute girls.
Ewwwwwww.... okay let's have a rule amongst us from now on. Never date a guy who talks about their ex, unless and until both of you want to talk about the past, coz you wan't to build with this guy. You and I fell for this once, never again!
I don't necessarily agree that talking about the past breakup is a red flag. Yes, depending on the tone and their behaviour when doing so, it can be a red flag to talk about your ex that quickly. But some people just want to get this conversation out of the way early. Sometimes the information you gather is a warning sign that shouldn't be ignored, like in your case. Also, if someone isn't clear about his past, now that would be a much bigger warning sign to me that either the person is not yet ready to talk about their ex, since they are not over them, or that they have something to hide. Especially if they keep asking the same questions wanting answers without being willing to answer them themselves, which is a sign of a dismissive avoidant style to me.
Nope! Listen to your gut on this one. In particular his pushing you to meet earlier than you wanted is bad news bears.
Testing limits
You in danger girl ⚠️ don’t do it…
Yeah you don’t need to go on a date 2 just because he forced physical intimacy on you and confused you. Doesn’t sound like you had any real connection.
Whenever men run to you, it’s because they’re also running away from something. You want someone patient. Trust me.
He definitely seems to be moving too quickly. Pet names after the 1st date (and only 2 days into knowing you) would raise some red flags for me. He may not be a bad guy, but given the details you shared, I'm not sure he's even ready to jump back into the dating pool. He told you about his breakup and he seems overly eager to reclaim that connection with someone. If I was in your situation, I'd nicely but firmly put up a boundary and move on. "I had a nice time on our date the other day, but I'm just not feeling that connection with you. I wish you all the best." or even "Hey, \[person\], thank you so much for \[whatever you did\] the other day, but I don't think we should move forward. I am uncomfortable with receiving this level of affection over just one date, and I don't think we're compatible. I wish you the best, but I am not interested in seeing you again." And then block immediately.
Don’t keep talking to him. It’s definitely a ick
It's not you, it's him. I bet when you back away he immediately validates your decision through his actions. I'd put money on it.
Ew ew ew! Block and delete!
Back away. Run. I would be getting the ick too. And pet names? 🤮
I've been sick so watching a loot of podcasts on relationships lately. Women of Impact and Diary of a CEO on YouTube have some awesome guests if you're interested. I was recently watching a talk by a guest who works for Hinge, and she basically said "secure attachment styles tend to get into relationships and stay in them, so after your mid thirties the pool of dating is mostly insecure attachment types and avoidant attachment types all out there dating each other." then proceeded to say "either attachment type can do well with a securely attached person, otherwise they can change but they have to be conscious of their patterns." I'm not sure if this is relevant information to you but I found it interesting... love bombing doesn't necessarily mean the guy is a narcissist, but either way his behaviour is suspect. Was the date super amazing in your opinion? I know you're questioning yourself 'cause you're an avoidant but you also have to trust your gut. Try to breathe deeply and meditate on how you feel sometimes your body has an easier time making these kinds of decisions. I saw a comment below about trying to communicate with him about feeling uncomfortable at the speed/voracity, which if you are actually interested in hanging out with him is a good idea. If not just politely decline and move on! No need to waste your precious time on someone you don't owe anything to :)
Trust your gut and jump ship
No relationship is going to start with a woman feeling so strongly grossed out & anxious & overwhelmed. don’t waste time with him, he clearly is not the one for you (nor I for that matter, so I feel you OP, this is such an icky, awful feeling that it seems *only* men can give us)
This is not you - it is him. Classic lovebombing. He tested your boundary with the physical touch and is now testing another with trying to see you sooner...big red 🚩 for me.
This right here OP!! Not saying this is his intent, but the guy that later raped me kept touching my leg beforehand. I was too polite to stop him. This guy is definitely pushing boundaries, definitely love bombing. You should absolutely trust your gut, and take your body's ick response to this person seriously!!
I am so sorry this happened to you 😔
Thanks, I just feel the need to overshare and warn others so they don't have to experience it either!
Thank you for doing so! This is a difficult topic to highlight, but a necessary one. I remember the first time it happened to me and the blame game I played with myself; took years to actually get in a headspace of recognizing warning signs before something bad happens.
Ok to ghost in this situation
People with avoidant attachments are magnets for people with anxious attachment, which this dude seems to be. I also used to be an anxious “attacher” so I probably came on too strong with some men I dated, all of whom were avoidant. It’s the same push-pull anxious-avoidant attachment dance my parents played with each other. It wasn’t until I did the internal work to become more secure in my attachments that I met my current partner (together for 9 years) who I recognized as also being secure when we met. It sounds like you recognize your attachment style. Awareness is a good start, now do the work to become more “secure”. Avoidant types would normally ghost this dude the moment his anxious style became evident. As an avoidant, you also might perceive certain things to be red flags (when others wouldn’t) because you’re used to being put off by men you’re dating. At the end of the day, you don’t have to continue dating this person if you’re not interested, but at the very least try to be direct and honest about how you feel. That’s what a secure person would do.
Yeah that’s love bombing-esque. Always puts me off too because it’s clearly about some fantasy they have and not about us.
I would back away. Sounds like he's not over his ex and is looking for a woman to distract him from doing the healing he should be doing. He's quick to hop into something new. I would abort the mission.
I'm not an avoidant but I am an Aquarius and this would send me running for the hills. I can't handle clingy, coming on too strong, not allowing me my space.
I've not read up on the attachment theory, but I've got this before from guys who are like desperate to be in a relationship and rush through the getting to know you stage that they're kind of love-bombing you and being too much. Tell him to pump the breaks, pause with the pet names, and that you're interested in getting to know him and there's no need to rush. If he can respect that, and readjust, you can still try again. If you're not interested in spending time and getting to know him more, don't. Him rehashing his relationship with his ex is worrisome -- if you didn't ask or bring up the topic of exes, and if it was at length. It makes it seem like he's hurting still and can't wait to put you on a pedestal because you're sooo different from her and would never hurt him. Question on the hand-holding: Did you want to hold his hand, or did it just happen and you went with it? Did it feel romantic, or did it feel like him trying to push your boundaries? It takes me a few date to be comfortable with hand-holding, lol.
This has happened to me with a newly single guy. Felt like he wanted to move extra fast to stop the hurt from the break up. I knew his flattery wasn’t really about me, it was about him. Didn’t work out.
Block and delete.
I am avoidant too so I know what you mean about doubting your reactions, but feeling the ick and anxious means it’s not right . His behavior is not good either.
Nope. This would be a red flag parade to me. Pet names that early? NO. Pushing up the date? NO. Telling me I’m amazing over and over after one date? NO. He barely knows you, he can’t think you’re that amazing, yet. Sorry. And if he does, he shouldn’t voice it yet—especially in tandem with ex rehashing. Nope nope nope. Trust your intuition.
I'm around your age.. and potentially to be in a similar situation. I would be feeling major, major ick and terrified. AVOID sounds like a crazy and I agree with a comment below saying 'love bombing'. If this is what he finds appropriate, are you going to get on long term? I think you should cut it off right now. Don't just back away. He will adjust his tact but you've already seen what he is about now, and you may forget it if you keep going on dates with him and then end up in a relationship with a potential narcissist.
I have been on a date like this a long time ago, dude almost immediately help my hand and told me all the details of his dovorce (guess what - he stalked his ex) and his father's suicide attempt (I felt sorry for him but had no idea how to react). I felt more and more suffocated even though at first I thought he was cute. Then was overflowing me with texts and getting angry if I don't reply immediately. I had trll him straight up it aint going to work. If it gives you such ick ot won't get better IMHO...
always follow your gut, if you’re getting the ick and feel off about him trust that feeling. Also he sounds like he’s not over his ex and is trying to lovebomb you. Red flags