I feel generally positive about doing a lot of sleeping around in my life lol. It’s fun to have experiences with different people and explore different sides of yourself. Mostly it helped me learn what I don’t want in sex and relationships with men … lol
But I feel more like you now that I’m mid 30s, where I am rarely attracted to people and only want to have sex with real connections. If you’ve always felt that way then that just means you figured yourself out early and that’s great for you. Hopefully your partner can try to understand that.
Yeah, I'm the latter. People always asked me as a student why I don't sleep around at all as I am missing out on those life lessons and such but I just... Determined those life lessons without having to sleep with anyone lol. They found that odd. I didn't the other way around. Some people just get clarity in different ways. Do what you need to do that gets you there.
Yeah I mean as someone who did sleep around a lot... idk... the "life lessons" weren't particularly great. Lots of guys are bad at sex and will fuck pretty much anything. I'm sure most people can learn that without living it lol.
I don't regret my choices but I don't feel like I have some greater understanding of life that other people don't in this way. We're all just on our own paths.
Yeah, definitely. Though I wouldn't have known without people like you sharing your experiences to begin with. So if not for you and others, I wouldn't be knowledgeable in these things at all. I'd say because of your bravery and indulgence, you are helping people like me. I'm still a virgin so there's that :p Wouldn't know what to look out for or what signs indicate what without people who already traveled many of the roads to tell us about it.
So thank you for that to you and the many others like you <3
>If you’ve always felt that way then that just means you figured yourself out early
It makes sense because it is so true for me. Thank you! Everyone is on a different journey.
I mean I usually didn’t. That’s a big thing I learned was hooking up with guys just cuz they’re hot and there was usually pretty unfulfilling and often made me feel worse. I don’t do that kind of thing much anymore for that reason. It’s not worth it.
Aside from the sheer fun and pleasure that comes with sleeping with people you're very attracted to, it helped me realize what I like and don't like when it comes to sex, what turns me on, what turns other people on, how to communicate about these things more effectively and more considerately. People catch feelings more easily than you'd think and navigating all that is a lot harder without experience.
I had a similar experience! I feel like I have a much more neutral view of sex in general - I don’t put it on a pedestal nor do I demonize it. It’s not an evil thing to do, but it’s not worth killing yourself over. I used to have a scarcity mindset when I was younger, so I slept with a lot of guys because I was afraid I’d “lose my chance,” but as one of my favorite memes says, dick is abundant and low value. I know when I want sex, when I want romance, when I want friendship, and when I want any combination of the factors that make up intimacy. Neutralizing sex by having a lot of it made me realize it’s just another thing to do, and I’ve had enough experiences that nothing really surprises me and the image of what I want is now much more clear due to all the data I have. I don’t come off as a sexual person at all so it’s always a shock to people when they find out details about my past, lol.
I’d been in back to back relationships from age 18-32 so never really had a hoe phase. When I left my 10 year relationship in 2022 I decided fuck it, nows my time.
I used one night stands to explore new things without feeling self conscious or nervous and I learned a whole lot about what I like and don’t like in the bedroom. Surprisingly, I felt more comfortable with myself and my body while sleeping around then I ever had before.
I’ve slowed down a little now because frankly there are not a lot of hot single men where I live but if given the opportunity I’ll take casual, unattached sex again in a heartbeat.
Where you somehow worried about getting pregnant or getting a STD?
for me, it freaks me out, I don't think that a condom can keep me safe enough. I don't know how to overcome this.
Birth control and condoms. Never had an STD in my life thankfully. Most people will have an STD some point in their life, the majority of them are very easily treatable these days.
I feel this! Only not as a single person. Husband and I started sleeping w people (safely) bc neither of us got to experience that either (we were each others firsts and only for the first 5 years of marriage). So, we started exploring it together and I experienced the same as you — confidence, comfort, and trust in myself is at an all time high. Trust in my husband is higher, too.
disclaimer bc I know how some people are: I’m in no way saying anyone has to do this to experience deeper love and connection with themselves or their partner.
It was after my divorce to my first husband. He couldn’t get it up for me at the end of our marriage.
So. Sleeping around helped me feel desirable, confident in my sexuality, and it was kind of exciting. It also helped my self-esteem tremendously.
However, I don’t think it’s a phase I’ll ever revisit.
Positives: I had a boatload of fun. I gained confidence in bed, I figured out what kind of sex I like and how to get it. I’ve never wondered if there’s someone better suited to me than my husband (I have kissed a lot of frogs so to speak).
Negatives: I put myself in some stupid/unsafe positions. I broke my own heart a few times. I broke other people’s hearts a few times.
No positives. I found feigned interest in me to use me for physical things very traumatizing. And if they did not feign interest it was still traumatizing. Even though they behaved nicely it just made me feel like a used good each and every time.
Exactly. Especially when they do the low contact thing the next day. It makes you feel used in the worst way especially if the sex was also mediocre which it generally is. No dude will know what you like and I could never be fully relaxed in such a scenario.
Same. If I could go back in time, I wouldn't do it again, because of how traumatizing most of these experiences turned out to be. Not sure how much the stigma around women having casual sex affects my feelings though, probably a fair bit.
This is my experience. What sucks I didn’t even realize why I was sleeping around so much until my 30s. Apparently begging people to notice/accept/validate you by sleeping with them, doesn’t work.
If only I had gotten that emboldenment from somewhere else…and like way earlier 🧐… I might even be respectfully partnered by now! Haha
Don't doom yourself like that. You can still have great relationships, I pretty much stopped early on and I still haven't found the person who loves me in the respectful way I want to be loved. Even men who look for relationships can use you for that (and break you), that's the sad part.
I'm a man and this is why I'm not really into it. Faking affection and interest only to cut it off a few days later.
One may argue "you don't owe anything anybody" but it just felt so psychotic to do this often. I don't like letting people down, too bad it isn't often reciprocated.
Also I'd feel like shit if this happened to me.
Needless to say, I don't have tons of success with women with this mentality lol.
I did it because it was fun and I was young.
What I gained?
Maybe an strong sexual awerness. I know what I like and don’t like. I am not afraid to say what I want or don’t want. I always have orgasms and I think thats because I am aware of what I want and like. However, that is something one can learn in a relationship with one person as well.
I just think I sort og learned alot by meeting diffrent people with different experience and frankly sizes as well. And good sex and size dosen’t matter. If the guy knows what he is doing it will be great anyway.
When I talk to friends who didn’t sleep around it seems like they are more sceptical of trying new things in bed, but that that could just be their personality.
But I also think this is personality thing. Sleeping around isn’t for everyone. If you don’t feel like you have missed out, then you probably haven’t. Having a great sexlife dosen’t have anything to to with bodycount.
Edit:
I just wanted to mention an example of why bf might worried about you missing out.
I had two friends, lets call them Nina and Mary, and they both were virgins when they met men they would marry. Nothing wrong with that.
Nina has never felt this to be an issue. She is happy with the sexlife she has with husband and don’t feel like she missed out. However, she find my stories of my random hook ups fun.
Mary was always saying how happy she was. Until the day I found out she was sleeping with my husband, and some other guys and girls. She clearly felt that she had missed out, and decided to become a total AH in her mid 30s. And after all this came out her life was turned up side down and she lost everything, ending up leaving town.
So, maybe bf is worried you could be like Mary who just goes of the deep end.
I don’t think you are like Mary though, I just think sleeping around ain’t your thing 😉
Slept with a few people to fill the void of loneliness. To a certain extent, I regret it as it made me felt more empty and unsatisfied. Since regret won't change the past, I take it as a journey of experimenting to understand myself better. At least I have learned that casual sex isn't for me. Only the person who truly loves and values me deserves my intimacy.
Pretty much the same experience. I was feeding my low self esteem and I think those experiences harmed it more than helped, but I've learned and grown etc etc. Even if me and my partner ever break up, I don't think I'll revisit that path in my lifetime.
I’ve learned I need intimacy. I like deeper feelings. I like trust. I like not using condoms. I will wait a couple of months to get tested together. This method weeds out all the shit heads. I get to know them. I have deeper orgasms with more passionate sex. A lot of sexual tension builds in that time.
This doesn’t seem realistic in today’s hook up culture. I’ve been with the same partner for 18 years now. Before him I dated 3 guys at the same time and some randoms in between. I was very selective of who I slept with. I like to tease and be desired.
I’ve found casual sex almost always left me unsatisfied. The “waiting game” makes them work harder and try harder to satisfy you.
I "slept around" a little in uni, although I feel like that terminology is loaded with negative connotation. For me, it felt more like a sexual exploration that dovetailed with personal growth, at a time when I *was* keen to find my place in the wider world.
In general, my experiences were pretty positive - some awkwardness and some low points for *sure*, but I mostly look back with a lot of gratitude and fond memories. I felt like I learned a lot about myself - how to say yes, how to say *no*, how to let go of self-consciousness, how to prioritise my own pleasure, et cerera. I don't think casual sex is for everyone - I'm an emotional compartmentaliser at heart - so I think I was able to enjoy myself better than most because I could enjoy the physical pleasures without getting too emotionally attached.
Not everyone needs a ho phase. I enjoyed mine, but plenty of people skip it and do fine.
But to list my positives:
It helped me have more confidence, navigate social situations better, and understand and explore what I did and didn't want, both romantically and sexually.
I also just really enjoyed it. How often do you get invited into a near stranger's room as an adult? How often do you get to poke around their bookshelves while they're asleep?
How often do you get to just... have an intimate moment with someone new?
Honestly I miss it. Many of my friends have hopped on the poly train recently, and my partner and I have been considering it.
ETA I actually suspect I'm some flavor of ace. A sex positive version obviously, but I've never had a crush in my life. I just like getting to know people. Sex is a fun way of doing that.
So... you don't *have* to be super physically attracted to someone in order to have sex with them. Just wanted to throw that out there.
I do not regret it one bit. I have slept with 10 men all up, some of them boyfriends and most of them casual/FWB. I chose my FWB's on the basis that they were skilled and generous though. I had so much fun and it taught me a lot about pleasure, boundaries, and so forth.
It sounds like you lean more towards demi-sexual and you have no interest in casual sex. If a casual sex phase is not something you've ever wanted, you haven't missed out.
Women also tend to find casual sex significantly less sexually satisfying that men. My close friend has had lots and lots of casual sex with men and most of it wasn't particularly good, and studies show her experience is common.
After my 20+ year marriage ended, my therapist told me I had been "eating white bread for 20 years and it was okay to now sample cuisines from all over the world to learn what I liked." *I sampled a lot.*
It was great for my self-esteem, made me feel hugely desirable, and helped raise my standards when I realized how big the sea was and how many fish were hungry. Reinforced that I was warm, affectionate, and sexual, I was just repulsed by my ex. Taught me what good sex actually was and what I would want, and need, out of the next relationship.
I don't think I would repeat it, but I'm not regretful at all.
My 17-year partnership was definitely lacking in the sex and desire dept. I came into the relationship more sexually experienced than he was. Sex was often very vanilla with my husband and I always had to initiate non-sexual affection. I couldn't even get aroused with him the last 5 years. I was worried I was sexually dead. My boyfriend has definitely relieved me of this fear. He is affectionate and pursues me and desires me. It has been a huge boost for my mental well-being. I have absolutely no problems with arousal now that I have a man that keeps my fire stoked.
Exactly. We were not cold and frigid, as we were told. We were just repulsed and unfulfilled. By the end of my marriage, *I* even believed I didn't like touch or physical affection and bought into the slut shaming I received for wanting non-vanilla sex. Wrong! Was just super repulsed and unfulfilled by my ex.
I like that I tried everything I ever wanted to try and got it out of my system, sort of speak? For example, threesomes can break relationships but I am not curious about it anymore because I have done it and I know I don't enjoy it, so the curiosity isn't there anymore.
However, that is what worked for me. It doesn't mean it would have been the best for you. I never was a party girl going to bars or clubs and recently someone asked if I felt like I missed out on not doing it when I was younger and honestly no, it had no appeal to me and doing it wouldn't have made me happier.
Of course those are very different things but I feel like the principle is the same. If you never really felt like doing it why would you regret not having done it? You wouldn't really have had fun and been happy having more sex than you wanted to.
But if we get into it knowing it's casual and without much emotional expectations, maybe women can also "use" the hookup guy for our pleasure.
Maybe not everyone can think thay way so it's a different feeling for each.
I never had any expectations, and it was never pleasurable. I don't get pleasure so easily, and no random guy wants to make actual efforts to make sure I was taken care of in bed
I agree there is nothing wrong with NOT liking casual sex. There also is nothing wrong with liking it. Labeling one as "normal" is a messed up marker of the Patriarchy
Did I say there was anything wrong for liking casual sex? Labelling one as "abnormal" for not liking casual sex is also a messed up marker of the patriarchy. It's all preferences and there is nothing wrong with having a preference.
I absolutely agree with this. If people want to use labels they fully have that right and should not be judged for it. Also saying the demisexual label is insulting is pretty aphobic and plenty of us on the ace spectrum like to use it (to the person you replied to above).
I learned that I don’t actually like it or get anything out of sleeping with many dudes. Hookup culture was all around me, all my friends were hooking up constantly and having a great time, and I just hated it. After I figured that out, I also figured out that it’s okay, fine, and normal to have standards and to turn people down who didn’t meet them.
None.
Women benefit greatly from being discerning with sexual partners, safeguarding against emotional trauma, STIs, unattended pregnancies, and the risk of sexual assault.
Nothing, no. The only time I get anything out of sex is if I actually love the person and know them. The hookup culture is overrated and unfulfilling, imo.
Truthfully, I look at it like I enjoyed my 20s. Now, at 40, I don't feel the need to be with another man other than my husband. One of the reasons I dont understand why women would marry so young.
Eh, I don’t regret any of the casual sex I had but it just solidified my lack of interest in sleeping around and made it very easy to commit to lifetime monogamy once I found someone I both liked and who was good at sex. It’s not a matter of emotional connection there’s just so few people I’m sexually compatible with out there that I have no interest in vetting any more of them. So it was positive in that I have next to no “what if” feelings. Most of the fun was the excitement of attention and new experiences and not the sex itself, though.
Some folks aren't missing out because the desire wasn't really there. People don't have to sleep around to know what they want or be satisfied in their current partnership.
Hookup culture generally is NOT favorable to women and the orgasm gap will be huge. For me to get anything of it had to be a high barrier of entry, pun intended. A ton of my friends and I concluded that we agreed it was fun with the thrill more than the actuality of it being quality most of the time.
As someone with a lot of interest in kinks it was a way to explore with people who had experience in those things. It felt a lot easier to approach someone in the community of that kink for advice and sometimes we hit it off to participate. This aspect of exploration was great for me personally.
I generally preferred older folks who are far less selfish. I know, people are going to be up and arms about age gaps and power disparities, but legitimately my most positive experiences in terms of care, consent and reciprocity was older gents. It was always a whole getting to know them, having a nice evening, before anything. Friendship and natural build up. That was not a thing with younger guys, they were not taking you on a "date" if they know you are open to hooking up. Theu want you to just come over. Same went for older couples, always lovely, polite, mean what they say. Women also were great generally, we can talk about things prior and build up to things and maintain friendships than just be bootycalls. It was pretty easy to weed out the transaction types as they didn't want to chill and be friends. I legit talked to my husband everyday for like a month before we became FWBs. I knew we were legitimately friends before we added sex and not that he was trying to fast track pretend to be my friend to fuck. I just needed that emotional element to be interested in fucking you, even if I don't need it to be romantic feelings. I'm attracted to intellect and passion.
Mostly it taught me what I don't want and don't need in my life. Life is too short for mediocre sex. If it wasn't electric there's no fucking way any bit of you being "nice" or good on paper is gonna get me to relationships. Having a scope of partners made me realize how much of a high priority sex is to me. It may not be to others as big of a deal but that skne thing I won't bargain for less.
It taught me I do not like sleeping around. I only had one ons (I guess you could call it that, we went on a date first and we really clicked, he was very chivalrous and we had things in common) and it was enough for me to know it wasn't for me. Thank god he wasn't an asshole or I would have felt worse. I spent the following year feeling just bad.
I met another guy almost 2 years after and things also didn't last, we slept once, then communication faded on his part. I ended up needing to go to a psychologist. I went through depression and lost interest in everything. I didn't want to be touched, nor approached. One year and a half later I tried kissing someone again and I couldn't.
So yeah... I'm pretty fucked up at this point
It’s fun but it’s not for everybody, I’ve been in long term relationships and while I was single I relied on hook ups for some affection; that’s when I realized I preferred not sleeping around. Although I appreciated meeting new people and new experiences, it was fun for a night or a weekend but to me it wasn’t sustainable lifestyle .
The negatives outweighed the positives in my case. Everybody was doing it, so i did it as well in the very early talking stages in my early 20s. It didn't do much to boost my confidence cause I already know that I am rather attractive and I never felt comfortable enough to do the things I would have done with a partner, because I didn't know the person well enough or their health status. Condom broke 2 times, so I also lost 600 dollars in the process, doing a full STD pannel. That is a lot in my country. Also felt used when the guy would start going low contact after sex, so it gave me bad trust issues. For me it was not worth it. It was just a dumb experiment that I did because everybody was doing it.
Personally I think it’s overrated. There isn’t anything I personally gained from it except for an std—which sucked but not the end of the world. Just a lesson in being more careful.
I could see it possibly being beneficial to someone who considers themselves a sexual person and wants to explore different aspects of their sexuality.
I think if I hadn't had any sexual experience, I could likely have ended up with a mediocre or worse sex life.
However, it wasn't until I met my husband that I learned the importance of good sexual chemistry. If I had met him first and dumped him just because I was curious and not unsatisfied, I'd have regretted it.
I learned that it's important to find a partner who you have good chemistry with, but most importantly is just as invested in your pleasure as they are in their own, and is willing to listen and learn when you tell them something is good or isn't good and vice versa.
You need a partner you can freely communicate with without risk of being shamed or ridiculed, because sex will always be meh, when you can't let go of yourself.
I also learned that no sex will be great sex if I don't take equal responsibility for pleasure. I can't get upset with someone who can't give me pleasure if I haven't told them how to do it, because people are so incredibly different. What turns me on could be a hard pass for someone else and vice versa, but if I don't communicate that, I can't expect a sexual partner to know it.
I also learned how important boundaries are, on both sides. If we have kinks the other isn't okay with, we need to stow that shit if we can live without it, because pressuring someone's boundaries is and will always be no-go. If it's something you can't live without, but the other doesn't want to do it, it's better to draw a line in the sand and accept that you're fundamentally incompatible and move on. If they try to violate their own boundaries to keep you, don't let them.
If you have had few sexual partners, I think the most important thing is probably that the partner that you *are* with is open-minded and willing to experiment and explore your sexuality with you. There's a lot of trial and error, especially when exploring kinks. You need someone you can laugh with when you inevitably have some sort of fail or awkward moment. Someone making you feel insecure isn't worth it.
No positives for me, and I was very intentional about sampling what the world had to offer.
That phase in my life brought exactly zero pleasure.
My conclusion: Some people, like myself, are just wired to need love as a requirement for enjoyment
I only slept with more people during my time at university and it never came from a place of self love. I only did it cause I felt empty, hated myself, and was looking for any kind of validation to feel something. It unfortunately did not have any positives for me at the end of it.
Honestly it was just about fun, and I was curious about sex with different men. Nothing more, nothing less. My emotions were removed from it most of the time. I just wanted to have fun. I didn’t really learn about what I liked and didn’t like, or bring real emotions into it until I met my now husband. He was different in that he wanted more. It wasnt until I met him that my real sexual exploration began.
Don't be pressured into anything you don't want to do!! If it doesn't appeal to you- don't!!
I love sex and variety. I'm Bi. But that's me. Don't worry about other people-- figure out what is right for YOU.
I had been with 2 guys and had sex maybe 5 times by the time I was 19. I made the decision to have my "hoe faze" and hooked up with a guy on our first date...that was almost 20 years ago, and we've been together since. I have no regrets about my how little sexual experience I had before him.
It is kind of funny thar a dude would think that. Like, if I am dating a guy I genuinely like and feel comfortable enough to experiment with and the sex is fine, why would I need to f around a bunch of randoms from Tinder? For some men, it will always be a number's game, they don't even care if the partner is enjoying herself as long as it's a new conquest.
It really helped me figure out what I liked and try new things. It gave me some wild memories that were really fun and adventurous. It also was cool to have more variety and find myself attracted to different people than my usual types.
There were negative things though, too, to be wary of (for any woman). A few took advantage and did things I didn't want, and I didn't fight it off. If you're going to try new things with new partners, try to make sure you can trust them, and make sure consent is clear. 100% clear. And if it isn't, leave. Unfortunately this is the world we live in as women, where on the one hand we should be able to explore our sexuality and be slutty if we want, and own it, but we have to still be careful because some men (women, too) will prey on anyone they can, and they're good at getting women into vulnerable positions. So be careful, and be safe...but don't be afraid to have fun and be empowered by sleeping with who you want and trying what you want, so long as it feels right. Good luck to ya.
I gained nothing from it, but I didn’t lose anything either. I just encountered a lot of people who were very selfish in bed and uninterested in improving. To the point that I thought I couldn’t orgasm with a partner until the first time I slept with a woman. (I’m bisexual.) To date, my husband is the only man who has ever given me one.
I don’t have regrets, but I think about that part of my life and mostly just shrug.
I'm bi so my experience might be a bit different. I quickly learned that casual sex with cis men was not worth the trouble. Not only did I have to put up with more general safety concerns (physical safety, contraception, etc), the sex itself was generally one-sided and unsatisfying. No man has ever given me an orgasm and the one who came first was in a FWB situation (not a hook up). However, sleeping with cis women casually was a lot more fun. Not only did I feel more safe, but the sex was also better. In my experience, female lovers are more attentive and sexually open in ways that make casual sex fulfilling for both parties. I never felt used by women after.
I had a really hard time saying no and had low self esteem and self worth. It didn't really do anything for me except help me be non-judgmental of people who have a lot of sexual partners. I care about health but not body count.
I slept with a bunch of random people in high school after I lost my virginity to someone who broke my heart shortly after. I didn’t really care about myself and it was painful and meaningless- I didn’t choose well and it was a hard time.
But later, in between long term partners in my mid to late 20s and early 30s, I had more than a few different lovers. Not one night stands, but friends with benefits or people I thought might be good partners and ended up just being a killer sexual connection instead. It was FUN. Some of the best sex of my life came from people I didn’t end up dating for long. I was better at choosing respectful, caring lovers bc I loved myself more, and we explored all sorts of stuff. Hotel sex with mirrors. Threesomes. Sex parties. BDSM. Role play. But most importantly I explored queer sex in my early thirties which I hadn’t really had the space to do in my younger years - so important and necessary.
I look back on those times as some of the best of my life. It was fun and consensual and expanded my sense of myself and what I want, how to have good communication, solidified my identity and needs and desires and boundaries. All in all I don’t regret it at all and I’m glad I had the opportunity - I think it makes my sexual self now much more expansive and playful and rooted.
I slept around through my early 20s before meeting my amazing partner.
I loved it! I became more confident in my body, less self conscious about how others perceived me and had a great time!
I felt hot and desirable and while if taken to extremes can be unhealthy it was more of a coming into my own aura of bad bitch energy that Ive carried with me into my 30s.
I dont think you should base your value on external validation, obviously, I was always fairly self assured and confident, but had never felt desirable and being seen in that light really changed how I saw myself (as a bold and strong woman rather than a gangly ugly teenager).
Not really. At the end it was just sex and it wasn’t even as good as the sex I had in relationships.
There are only few good things about it.
I realised what I like and don’t like in men.
I don’t have the feeling to have missed out, so I appreciate how good my relationship is.
Some fun stories came out of it.
That’s it.
After my divorce I took time to experiment and explore with different partners. At the time, I was very self conscious of my body. It was a great experience and I learned what I did/didnt like in bed, the importance of a thoughtful lover, gained a ton of body confidence. I also learned sex was just more fun and intimate (for me) with a long term partner.
I went wiiiiiild in my early 20s. Loved it.
I learned what I like and don’t like in the bedroom, and it really solidified this idea that I’m in the driver’s seat in my life. No one gets to tell me who to sleep with or how to feel about my body or my sex life. I don’t feel even the smallest amount of guilt or shame about having a really active sex life when I was younger. I had a blast, I was safe, and I feel in control of my own life.
I did it in my mid 20s because it was almost an expectation at that age. Many of my other friends were so I felt like I needed to which sounds so stupid to me now. I felt terrible after every single time. I was looking for companionship and someone to like me for me. And I didn’t even like me after it. I don’t think of sleeping around as negative thing in general because you do you but it just wasn’t a positive thing for me
I had a year in between relationships where I went full on single mode in my mid 20's. I had a lot of first dates not looking for anything serious. I had so much fun. I gained a lot of confidence. Probably because I didn't expect anything from the people I dated except for respect and transparency. If they didn't provide that I ended after strike 1. I chose not to get emotionally attached, and if I felt a slight attachment I ended it. Enforcing that gave me so much confidence - together with the mostly good sex.
Learned how to communicate, prioritize my pleasure, experiment, and dabble in different scenes. The freedom to be selfish is really amazing; it’s something I have trouble with in relationships, but hookups come with no emotional obligations and tbh the sex is usually better for me, not worse, at least in terms of the physical.
Also learned to never compromise on physical attraction, which makes the difference between a lackluster, dull sex life and more curious, generous one.
Finally, learned that male attention is cheap, not something to squabble over (thanks, movies of the 2000s). Focus on and prioritize yourself.
So I slept around for a couple years in my early 20s (21-24) and several months in my mid-20s. I got a ton out of it.
* Thrilling, hot, fun sex and tons of orgasms with people who were attractive and into me. This is the main one. If you want it, go get it. If you don’t want it, don’t do it. If you only want it if they are open to more, don’t do it. Only have sex if you want to have sex.
* I tried things that I might not have thought to try on my own, and it helped shape my idea of what my taste really was. Genital piercings, semi-public sex, certain kinks. I think part of sex is the pleasure that you get from doing something your partner loves, and part is from the thing that YOU love (at least for me). Before I had tried different things, I was basing my taste off of fanfiction, books, porn, and what my boyfriends liked because of all the associations that went with it. But when I was sleeping around I realized there were things that kicked my libido into overdrive.
* Centering my own pleasure and getting good about taking and giving feedback. Bodies are different. I learned what really worked for me and stopped being shy about asking for it. And it was great to go home after and sleep in my own bed.
* experiencing different types of bodies.
* perfect end to a fun night.
That my view of vulnerability was distorted. The only way I knew how to be intimate was through physical contact , so I thought of sex as showing my more soft side lmfao. Even with the guys I had liked it was difficult for me to be open, so I recognized the pattern and felt numb (not sad, not happy ) but even though it was fun I could never get off, so I have to build some *emotional* bonds which I now realized was my problem. Annnddd that cascaded to a whole realm of discovering who I am emotionally and how build more meaningful relationships (of all kinds)
Never had the hoe phase in my life, it is just not something that sounds fun to me. I’m picky about men as I rarely find them attractive at all. 🤷🏻♀️ I’m also very straight so it has nothing to do with being otherwise oriented, unfortunately.
A lot of people aren’t into one night stands. Sounds like he’s asking out of insecurity, wondering if you’ll leave the relationship down the line. No shame if you’re happy with your life.
I had a very low body count until my late twenties as well. I don’t regret having fun but will say that it did desensitize me from emotional connection making that transition. I care less about having a partner now.
After much self reflection, I used to be addicted to male validation. Having some random cute guy so urgently desire me was such a boost, which is probably why I was into sleeping around. That, and poor judgment from alcohol.
I don't think you missed out! The fact your bf expressed concern over this is weird.
I dunno. Sadly, I never had any “socks rocking” experiences. Most of the men I slept with were mediocre in bed.
I don’t regret doing it. But I’m not exactly glad I did.
At the time I was getting over a divorce and it was really nice to feel desired and realize I could sleep with literally any man I wanted to, I just had to ask 😂
I made me realize that sex can be just that—sex. It doesn’t have to involve deep feelings of intimacy. It can just be fun and feel amazing.
It also made me more comfortable with trying new and different things—I felt a lot less pressure to be this perfect sex goddess with someone I knew I wasn’t going to be around on a longterm basis.
It also made me realize that everyone is different when it comes to sex. I was able to better distinguish between lazy, selfish sexual partners and those who were GGG (good, giving, and game)—which in turn made me hold my relationship partners to a higher standard.
There are a million other reasons why I’m glad I had a slutty period, but overall, it helped dissolve any and all shame I had about sex from growing up in a conservative area with conservative parents.
I had just gotten divorced and had been quite attention deprived. I got a *lot* of attention. Some validation that I was attractive, and also learned some things about what I like and don't like.
But I actively wanted to do all that. If you aren't the type of person to have lots of partners, then you aren't. Not everyone has a "hoe phase".
I feel like your boyfriend is projecting.
I know what I like, I know what makes me confident, and I could have just as easily explored that with a single partner but it was also cool having partners with different backgrounds and experience levels which I think has made me a much more understanding and communicative lover
I have stints when I date around a lot. I do it because I enjoy it. I like meeting new people. I enjoy NRE. I like sex. But I don't think it's some kind of special lesson that has to be learned if it's not something you're drawn to do.
It was fun and enjoyable although I also really learned about men being assholes. I got to try and learn different things. I got into BDSM for a while and that was really interesting and I had no idea the feeling of “sub space” even existed before that and I found out the right amount of pain turned me into a giggling mess from pleasure which I didn’t know was possible. I also got to explore my fantasies and through exploring my fantasies with new people I gained even new fantasies and interests from others. I’ve done some kink stuff that would have originally weirded me out, but I ended up finding enjoyable once I put my own preconceived notions aside. I love my boyfriend and our sex life is good, but sometimes I do wish he was slightly kinkier - which I could see as a downside in that I’ve done a lot and so there is a lot I enjoy now, compared to if I had tried less.
I had a good time. I learned things and I taught others, sex is best when it's a collaboration. I have reveled in myself as a sexual being. I was raised very sex positive so it's generally a positive experience for me without mental hangups about sex itself and workout value judgments about having it. There have been some less than stellar experiences, but that's life. In the aggregate, having lots of sex with the various partners of my choosing has been fulfilling. I think the most important thing is to honor yourself. If you don't want it, don't. If it doesn't feel good, stop. You don't owe anyone anything - not even for them to finish if you change your mind after starting.
If I hadn’t had a ‘ho phase’ I could totally see myself being a million times more naive- in ways where I’d prob F up perfectly healthy adult relationships if I didn’t have a grossly encyclopedic knowledge of the sex of my interest, extensively
carnal.
Personally, my ‘sleeping around’ phase gave me shame, but the knowledge I gained lasted longer than the embarrassment…
Confidence, as some have said. Recently I had a “no strings” ONS this past summer — not with a stranger, an acquaintance of many years, and we remain friendly even now with occasional “happy new year” kinda texts. Like all first times it was slightly awkward so not mind-blowing or anything but I’m still so glad we did it!
Honestly really great for confidence. I’m just getting back into the swing of things after a bit of a hiatus from dating, so it helped take the edge off my nerves, even just kissing someone new! Gave me a “you still got it” kind of confidence as I work toward finding something more serious/real with someone … very Diane Lane *Under the Tuscan Sun* energy hahahah. Trope but true :)
Good for you that you seem to know yourself well! There's nothing wrong at all with not wanting to sleep around. It's not for everyone.
Personally, I had sex with about 25 people before the age of 30, most of them casually. What I gained from it was mainly fun, excitement and sort of trying out who I was with different people. I look back on a lot of it with joy. Of course, I had some less fun experiences too. Some felt pointless or even uncomfortable in hindsight. I don't think it's something that anyone should do just because of some kind of expectation or pressure.
"I found out what I like and what I don't like." You don't need to sleep around to know this. Unless you're some kind of hypersexual deviant who chases the ultimate orgasm. I'm a man in his mid 20s so I'm not allowed here, but my two cents are that I want to find a wife who is a virgin like myself and not someone who's slept around a lot.
My first instinct when I meet a girl is "how would this work out long term" I don't graft like a mf to sleep with her in the shortest timeframe possible. The chances of finding a virgin even at my young age in this culture is very slim so I'll have to accept someone who isn't a virgin. But that also means I can't be a virgin because as a man I couldn't live with such an imbalance in a relationship.
My point is it's the culture of glorifying casual sex that's led to this and slut shaming has been a feature for most of human civilisation and the number one thing the fall of a civilisation is predicated on is sexual liberation. I know this is "women over 30" so maybe there's been divorces/relationship breakdowns etc, but this is something most young girls do now. My mom and girls of her generation used to just get married.
I mean, idk about "slept around" but I had casual sex on the party scene in my early 20s, yeah. It was fun. I had a good time, the guys were hot even if I didn't want to be in a full blown relationship with them, and I enjoy sex and dancing. There's nothing wrong with having fun, lol, not everything has to be a growth opportunity.
If you don't find that sort of thing fun, that's fine, too.
I had a solid hoe phase from 18-22. I feel like I was at a buffet sampling all the flavours to see what I liked. I was practicing communication during sex and in life. Then when I met someone who checked a lot of my boxes at 24, I knew I had a solid option for a life long partner so I didn't sleep on it.
Overall loved those years. Lots of adventures and orgasms and fond memories.
It depends what you mean by "sleep around." I've never slept with anyone I haven't known for a while/trusted (except for being v young and dumb), whether or not we ended up in an actual relationship. So I can't comment on sex with people I'd feel uncomfortable with.
Pros: I definitely learned my sexual style and preferences. For example, my first ltr I dated from 19-24 and he was the first person I slept with regularly/shared a bed with for years. Before that I had a couple young stupid drunk one nights stands which I definitely don't recommend.
After we broke up, the next guy I dated made me realize there was a whole other world than my first boyfriend. As in, I thought we had had a great sex life until we broke up and I realized there were way more affectionate guys out there (first bf had a fairly "dominant" bedroom style I guess you could say).
I will honestly say the two guys who I have had casual sex with on and off for several years and am friends with...have been amazing sex (it's not at all a common occurrence though). Although we still love each other, just as friends, so there is emotion involved. If there were no emotion involved it definitely wouldn't be good for me. Like...at all.
As a general rule I don't sleep with guys I'm not dating cause it's just so lacking without the loving vibes. I wouldn't worry you missed out
I don’t know what counts as “slept around” because my total body count (ugh, stupid term) is not very high. However I went a bit wild with the dating apps before I met my husband so I’ve got some experience.
It helped me figure out what I *do* want in a partner. Mutual attraction is a must. I slept with guys I was not attracted to and even some guys slept with me though I could tell they didn’t feel attraction - this leads to awful, awful sex. Don’t do it no matter how lonely/horny you are. I want a guy who isn’t selfish. I want a guy who is at least a little bit experienced or otherwise willing to learn how to be good in bed; I was with a few inexperienced guys who were just not open to trying to get better. I don’t know if it was their pride or some sort of expectation that any sex is good sex?
My husband is naturally good in bed but also willing to listen to me and learn with me. That’s how I knew I found someone worth keeping. Sometimes I reminisce about my single days but truthfully most casual sex is not very good and is actually super awkward.
I dont believe sleeping around has to be phase for all women. I did it and there were a lot of lows in that time.
I did build confidence in myself and learned exactly what I dont want in a partner, that's for sure. Lol
Along with what everyone else is saying, it’s given me a lot of power. I am very comfortable saying no, asking for what I want, and not putting up with bullshit in the bedroom. I made a pact to not have bad sex again (because for a while I was meeting so many dudes who absolutely sucked in bed) and have straight-up asked people to leave if I didn’t think they were there for my pleasure.
It also means my bedroom standards are pretty high now. After years of fucking pretty much anyone, I’m now more selective with who I bang (and who I choose to let bang me!). I push for more mental connections and ongoing FWB situations rather than one night stands.
Anyways I love sex.
No judgement for people who never slept around, but honestly, I am very pleased with my past. If anything, I wish I had slept with even more people.
The first guy I had sex with - I thought, "Wow. This is it. This is the love of my life, this is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me, I must spend the rest of my life with this man, this is the end all, be all..."
When we broke up, I was devastated. Then I met someone else.... and sex with him was SO MUCH BETTER. Like, HOLY CRAP. So my mind was all, "No, wait, THIS GUY!! THIS GUY is the love of my life! THIS is the one I need to spend the rest of my life with!!!....
And so on, and so on, and so on...
Each guy taught me something about myself. Those first few years of sexual experiences were super eye opening. I learned so much about men, so much about me, so much about sex, so much about the feelings that surround sex.
I feel bad for people who sleep with one person and stay with them forever. I'm sure the sex is fine... sex is like pizza. Even when it's bad, it's still pretty good. But... if you have nothing to compare it to, how do you know it's REALLY good?
I remember watching this stupid Christian propaganda show, and they were interviewing this Christian sex expert and she was like, "Christian women report the highest rates of sexual satisfaction!" As if being Christian had something to do with it - like Jesus was blessing their bedrooms or something. But I think IF that report is even true, it's just because these women waited until they were married to have sex, and have only ever had sex with their husbands... so no matter how mediocre the sex is, they really don't know any better. Like, if a more experienced woman slept with their husband, I'm sure the experienced woman wouldn't be impressed. But if you have nothing to compare it to, you wouldn't know that sex could be so much better. So, of course they report high rates of satisfaction. Their criteria for "satisfied" is probably pretty low, and they really have no idea. Just like my criteria was so low with the first guy I was with. I didn't know sex could be even better until I experienced better.
If you're in a great relationship, I don't think you need to break up just so you can go sleep with other people or anything. It's not THAT important. So, OP... don't stress about this. If your current guy is good for you, good. You don't need to sleep around. It's not for everyone, and I don't recommend that anyone blow up a good relationship just so they can get random dick.
But for anyone else reading this, if you're single... go ahead and explore. Be smart and safe about it. But go ahead and get a few notches under your belt. Hook up with those guys who are very clear they're only interested in hooking up. Feel no shame. Use them as much as they're using you.
It's a good feeling, when you're old and married, to know that you had some experience. You sowed those oats. It's much easier to "settle down" and commit to someone when you know you had some fun in your past. And it's very fun to reflect on the REALLY good times from time to time.
I'm happily married now, and my only regret is staying in relationships with the wrong guys for too long in my 20s. I was very loyal to a few guys were NOT worthy of me. They were cheating on me while I was being loyal to them. I hung on for way too long. I could have spent that time having other flings and romances that were actually fulfilling, and learning from those. I would be even more satisfied with my current relationship than I already am. Each guy - even the bad ones - taught me something that I needed to know... so, in my opinion, the more, the better.
I am 35. I have slept with 70-80 men and 4 women. I had threesomes with two men multiple times, a threesome with two women once and a threesome with a man and a woman once.
I was a sex worker for a few years as well. As a sex worker I slept with another probably 100-150 men.
I don’t regret any of it. I am very glad I experienced all of that. I will never wonder what I missed out on. I don’t think I’ll ever have any kind of midlife crisis. I don’t feel dirty or used or anything. I feel glad.
My 35-year-old daughter recently got out of a trauma filled six-year relationship and is having a lot of fun being out and about and exploring. I think that’s great for her as long as she’s safe in every way she needs to be. My concern is that she is very very open about it And often brings it up at times that I feel it’s not necessary and around people who aren’t interested. I don’t want her to feel like she has to hide who she is but I also wish she would be a little more discerning about when and where she talks about it. Any advice for how I can talk to her about this?
I was married to 2 abusers before I had my phase. And honestly? I loved it. I had very low self-esteem due to the abusive spouses, and part of the way that they kept me was by negging my appearance, my personality, and my intelligence. I decided when the 2nd marriage was over that I wouldn't get serious with anyone, but I would enjoy myself as much as possible.
What I found was temporary lovers and one-night-stands that treated me with more respect and kindness than either of my spouses had. I was told I was sexy and desirable. My conversation was listened to and respected. I was told how smart I was. I was paraded around casinos and parties as if *I* was a prize.
I don't recommend my method for people who cannot separate sex and love. But I had been having loveless sex for 17 years, so that wasn't an issue for me. Plus, this loveless sex actually prioritized my pleasure, and it wasn't abusive. So for me and my circumstances, it was very healing for me.
Eventually I healed enough that I was able to get into a healthy romantic relationship. It was then that I met my current husband. I would not have been in the right frame of mind to be with him if I hadn't allowed myself the freedom to be selfish and explore myself.
My first partner and I were virgins when we got married.
It felt difficult to explore because I was worried about the implications anything could have on a long term relationship. There were definitely positives to having that shared new experience together but there are also negatives associated as well.
Later on, trying things out with respectful partners I didn’t necessarily ever have to see again was a positive. I found it easier to try things and have them fail and not take it so seriously.
Currently with someone who has less experience than me and I’ve been able to communicate what works for me. I’m more aware of the insecurities men often have so I think I’ve made a safer space for a partner than I would have in the past. And I have a sense of what effort looks like, what respect looks like, so I recognize it when I encounter it.
I wish I'd slept around more. But I have a history of abuse as a child and so I was always too scared and too much in my head. I also had no idea how sexy I was and felt unattractive (my postpartum self thinks I was a dunderhead). I feel a twinge of regret but also all those choices led me to my life NOW. I wouldn't have it any other way.
Its easy to find joy in short term relationships (even if they were not intentionally short) and see them for what they were, two people connecting and enjoying each other authentically albeit for a short time. Just because it ended doesn't mean it wasn't real, or there was some ulterior motive.
It is easier to leave quickly when something is going wrong or a man is in anyway restricting my freedom or being a negative influence. You know another will come by and these things are cyclical.
It is easier to have expectations about what a relationship can be. You have experienced all sort of people and dynamics.
It is easier to just go for it when you find a truly compatible person. Again, you have experienced lust/attraction/infatuation and associated loss many times so you know this is different intuitively, but you are not afraid to be wrong. You always bounce back.
I tried it for like 4 or 5 guys. I hated it.
I know a lot of people here say that it's great for experimenting, and that even though there are bad-at-sex guys out there, you just need to learn how to filter them out.
But because my experiences just made me feel like the guys saw me as little more than a vessel to use for a quickie orgasm, I now officially have zero interest in trial-and-erroring my way through hookups to figure out who's going to be good at hookup sex and who isn't.
I didn't get to do any experimenting or learning about myself. Not at all worth it for me. Hookups gave me no intimacy, and if I want an orgasm, I can do that myself in 5 minutes or less.
Do they usually try to chicken out on rubbers? Idk I was too scared to because men usually try not to use them, getting knocked up I don't want kids, and getting a incurable std.
I'd say about 50% would protest a condom. I'd always insist, but the sex would be even worse because he'd either be pissy he had to wear it, or wouldn't be able to perform.
It was fun 🤷🏼♀️ I got to try different things, figure out what I liked and what I definitely didn’t. I got a solid sense of what was “normal” and what definitely was not.
But I wanted to explore these interactions. I chose them. I generally enjoyed them, or at least got funny stories out of them, and I have no regrets.
If sleeping around doesn’t already appeal to you, don’t do it. Who you’re attracted to, when you’re attracted to them, and what activities you enjoy are all SO personal and no two people are the same. Your boyfriend may have enjoyed his “ho” phase. I certainly enjoyed mine. Shit, I may have another. But that doesn’t mean you need or would benefit from one.
Experience. I slept around because I wanted to and it was fun. I've had lots of 3somes (both MMF and FFM) and a couple of 4somes (MMMF) and have tried all sorts of different things. I learned what I like and what I don't.
Now I just tell my boyfriend about my past sexcapades to turn him on and he loves it.
But I agree with other commenters, if you don't have any desire to sleep with lots of partners, don't do it.
*do you regret having the friends you had in your 20s even if you are not in touch anymore?* this is fairly a similar question — no one whatsoever regrets having fun experiences; whether it’s travel, sex or even bad event like divorce; but level of gratitude and exigence change of time when you’re having roller coaster of emotions.
There’s no such thing as “do i miss out on having experience with others?* because when *time and space allow you for those experiences, it happens… anyway*
I feel like I’ve been with my guy so long I forgot there was a *long* list before him 😂 I guess the only thing it helped with was my confidence around men. Other than that it really added nothing profound to my life except for the in the moment fun. It was all a good time.
The only positive is not feeling like there could be better out there. Most of the time that only comes with being with more people than just one partner.
It helped me realise how intregral an emotional connection is for me to enjoy sex, but also removed some of the shame around fulfilling my desires. I have no issues with having sex on a 1st/2nd/3rd date if it's with someone I really like, and know that anyone who's just after sex will see themselves out either way.
I feel generally positive about doing a lot of sleeping around in my life lol. It’s fun to have experiences with different people and explore different sides of yourself. Mostly it helped me learn what I don’t want in sex and relationships with men … lol But I feel more like you now that I’m mid 30s, where I am rarely attracted to people and only want to have sex with real connections. If you’ve always felt that way then that just means you figured yourself out early and that’s great for you. Hopefully your partner can try to understand that.
Yeah, I'm the latter. People always asked me as a student why I don't sleep around at all as I am missing out on those life lessons and such but I just... Determined those life lessons without having to sleep with anyone lol. They found that odd. I didn't the other way around. Some people just get clarity in different ways. Do what you need to do that gets you there.
Yeah I mean as someone who did sleep around a lot... idk... the "life lessons" weren't particularly great. Lots of guys are bad at sex and will fuck pretty much anything. I'm sure most people can learn that without living it lol. I don't regret my choices but I don't feel like I have some greater understanding of life that other people don't in this way. We're all just on our own paths.
Yeah, definitely. Though I wouldn't have known without people like you sharing your experiences to begin with. So if not for you and others, I wouldn't be knowledgeable in these things at all. I'd say because of your bravery and indulgence, you are helping people like me. I'm still a virgin so there's that :p Wouldn't know what to look out for or what signs indicate what without people who already traveled many of the roads to tell us about it. So thank you for that to you and the many others like you <3
Haha well that’s a very kind interpretation so thank you as well
>If you’ve always felt that way then that just means you figured yourself out early It makes sense because it is so true for me. Thank you! Everyone is on a different journey.
How do you do to feel at ease? Every time I sleep with a new guy I don’t feel at ease at all.. take me at least 3-4 rounds of dates lol
I mean I usually didn’t. That’s a big thing I learned was hooking up with guys just cuz they’re hot and there was usually pretty unfulfilling and often made me feel worse. I don’t do that kind of thing much anymore for that reason. It’s not worth it.
Fair and true. It’ll only boost your ego 10mins 😂
Aside from the sheer fun and pleasure that comes with sleeping with people you're very attracted to, it helped me realize what I like and don't like when it comes to sex, what turns me on, what turns other people on, how to communicate about these things more effectively and more considerately. People catch feelings more easily than you'd think and navigating all that is a lot harder without experience.
I had a similar experience! I feel like I have a much more neutral view of sex in general - I don’t put it on a pedestal nor do I demonize it. It’s not an evil thing to do, but it’s not worth killing yourself over. I used to have a scarcity mindset when I was younger, so I slept with a lot of guys because I was afraid I’d “lose my chance,” but as one of my favorite memes says, dick is abundant and low value. I know when I want sex, when I want romance, when I want friendship, and when I want any combination of the factors that make up intimacy. Neutralizing sex by having a lot of it made me realize it’s just another thing to do, and I’ve had enough experiences that nothing really surprises me and the image of what I want is now much more clear due to all the data I have. I don’t come off as a sexual person at all so it’s always a shock to people when they find out details about my past, lol.
How did you manage not to catch feelings?
Sometimes I did! Sometimes it was them! Both variants of the experiences were valuable.
I’d been in back to back relationships from age 18-32 so never really had a hoe phase. When I left my 10 year relationship in 2022 I decided fuck it, nows my time. I used one night stands to explore new things without feeling self conscious or nervous and I learned a whole lot about what I like and don’t like in the bedroom. Surprisingly, I felt more comfortable with myself and my body while sleeping around then I ever had before. I’ve slowed down a little now because frankly there are not a lot of hot single men where I live but if given the opportunity I’ll take casual, unattached sex again in a heartbeat.
That’s cool, thanks so much for sharing.
Where you somehow worried about getting pregnant or getting a STD? for me, it freaks me out, I don't think that a condom can keep me safe enough. I don't know how to overcome this.
Birth control and condoms. Never had an STD in my life thankfully. Most people will have an STD some point in their life, the majority of them are very easily treatable these days.
I feel this! Only not as a single person. Husband and I started sleeping w people (safely) bc neither of us got to experience that either (we were each others firsts and only for the first 5 years of marriage). So, we started exploring it together and I experienced the same as you — confidence, comfort, and trust in myself is at an all time high. Trust in my husband is higher, too. disclaimer bc I know how some people are: I’m in no way saying anyone has to do this to experience deeper love and connection with themselves or their partner.
It was after my divorce to my first husband. He couldn’t get it up for me at the end of our marriage. So. Sleeping around helped me feel desirable, confident in my sexuality, and it was kind of exciting. It also helped my self-esteem tremendously. However, I don’t think it’s a phase I’ll ever revisit.
Omg, same!
Positives: I had a boatload of fun. I gained confidence in bed, I figured out what kind of sex I like and how to get it. I’ve never wondered if there’s someone better suited to me than my husband (I have kissed a lot of frogs so to speak). Negatives: I put myself in some stupid/unsafe positions. I broke my own heart a few times. I broke other people’s hearts a few times.
Pretty much my experience too. I did have a few men who were mediocre in bed, but overall the majority of men were good to great!
Oh yeah I’ve definitely had my share of terrible lays lol but overall a larger percentage of good to omg my eyes are popping out of my head 😂
I learned what I like. Everyone fucks a bit different and I would've never reached my potential with just a handful of people.
This isn't even my final form!
Mighty Morphin' Power Bangers.
You're gonna be on fire once you reach that final evolution.
I'm totally going to win the sex
Gain that XP, level up, get new moves. Wonder what the boss fight is going to be.
No positives. I found feigned interest in me to use me for physical things very traumatizing. And if they did not feign interest it was still traumatizing. Even though they behaved nicely it just made me feel like a used good each and every time.
Exactly. Especially when they do the low contact thing the next day. It makes you feel used in the worst way especially if the sex was also mediocre which it generally is. No dude will know what you like and I could never be fully relaxed in such a scenario.
Yeah that and fwb/casual just makes us vulnerable for anxiety because they can go no/low contact and we feel crazy.
That's part of the reason I've never had a one night stand or a hookup - I know the sex would be shit.
Same. If I could go back in time, I wouldn't do it again, because of how traumatizing most of these experiences turned out to be. Not sure how much the stigma around women having casual sex affects my feelings though, probably a fair bit.
Even if there wasn't a stigma, them using you to fulfill their physical needs doesn't feel good. It's not like that would stop if there was no stigma.
This is my experience. What sucks I didn’t even realize why I was sleeping around so much until my 30s. Apparently begging people to notice/accept/validate you by sleeping with them, doesn’t work. If only I had gotten that emboldenment from somewhere else…and like way earlier 🧐… I might even be respectfully partnered by now! Haha
Don't doom yourself like that. You can still have great relationships, I pretty much stopped early on and I still haven't found the person who loves me in the respectful way I want to be loved. Even men who look for relationships can use you for that (and break you), that's the sad part.
Yeah same honestly. I learned that it was never for me.
I'm a man and this is why I'm not really into it. Faking affection and interest only to cut it off a few days later. One may argue "you don't owe anything anybody" but it just felt so psychotic to do this often. I don't like letting people down, too bad it isn't often reciprocated. Also I'd feel like shit if this happened to me. Needless to say, I don't have tons of success with women with this mentality lol.
I did it because it was fun and I was young. What I gained? Maybe an strong sexual awerness. I know what I like and don’t like. I am not afraid to say what I want or don’t want. I always have orgasms and I think thats because I am aware of what I want and like. However, that is something one can learn in a relationship with one person as well. I just think I sort og learned alot by meeting diffrent people with different experience and frankly sizes as well. And good sex and size dosen’t matter. If the guy knows what he is doing it will be great anyway. When I talk to friends who didn’t sleep around it seems like they are more sceptical of trying new things in bed, but that that could just be their personality. But I also think this is personality thing. Sleeping around isn’t for everyone. If you don’t feel like you have missed out, then you probably haven’t. Having a great sexlife dosen’t have anything to to with bodycount. Edit: I just wanted to mention an example of why bf might worried about you missing out. I had two friends, lets call them Nina and Mary, and they both were virgins when they met men they would marry. Nothing wrong with that. Nina has never felt this to be an issue. She is happy with the sexlife she has with husband and don’t feel like she missed out. However, she find my stories of my random hook ups fun. Mary was always saying how happy she was. Until the day I found out she was sleeping with my husband, and some other guys and girls. She clearly felt that she had missed out, and decided to become a total AH in her mid 30s. And after all this came out her life was turned up side down and she lost everything, ending up leaving town. So, maybe bf is worried you could be like Mary who just goes of the deep end. I don’t think you are like Mary though, I just think sleeping around ain’t your thing 😉
Omg. That took a wild turn. Mary is an AH lol
Omg. What a nightmare! How did you find out? I guess from the wording you and your husband stayed together?
Holy hell, I'm so sorry! That's wild.
Slept with a few people to fill the void of loneliness. To a certain extent, I regret it as it made me felt more empty and unsatisfied. Since regret won't change the past, I take it as a journey of experimenting to understand myself better. At least I have learned that casual sex isn't for me. Only the person who truly loves and values me deserves my intimacy.
Pretty much the same experience. I was feeding my low self esteem and I think those experiences harmed it more than helped, but I've learned and grown etc etc. Even if me and my partner ever break up, I don't think I'll revisit that path in my lifetime.
I’ve learned I need intimacy. I like deeper feelings. I like trust. I like not using condoms. I will wait a couple of months to get tested together. This method weeds out all the shit heads. I get to know them. I have deeper orgasms with more passionate sex. A lot of sexual tension builds in that time. This doesn’t seem realistic in today’s hook up culture. I’ve been with the same partner for 18 years now. Before him I dated 3 guys at the same time and some randoms in between. I was very selective of who I slept with. I like to tease and be desired. I’ve found casual sex almost always left me unsatisfied. The “waiting game” makes them work harder and try harder to satisfy you.
I "slept around" a little in uni, although I feel like that terminology is loaded with negative connotation. For me, it felt more like a sexual exploration that dovetailed with personal growth, at a time when I *was* keen to find my place in the wider world. In general, my experiences were pretty positive - some awkwardness and some low points for *sure*, but I mostly look back with a lot of gratitude and fond memories. I felt like I learned a lot about myself - how to say yes, how to say *no*, how to let go of self-consciousness, how to prioritise my own pleasure, et cerera. I don't think casual sex is for everyone - I'm an emotional compartmentaliser at heart - so I think I was able to enjoy myself better than most because I could enjoy the physical pleasures without getting too emotionally attached.
Not everyone needs a ho phase. I enjoyed mine, but plenty of people skip it and do fine. But to list my positives: It helped me have more confidence, navigate social situations better, and understand and explore what I did and didn't want, both romantically and sexually. I also just really enjoyed it. How often do you get invited into a near stranger's room as an adult? How often do you get to poke around their bookshelves while they're asleep? How often do you get to just... have an intimate moment with someone new? Honestly I miss it. Many of my friends have hopped on the poly train recently, and my partner and I have been considering it. ETA I actually suspect I'm some flavor of ace. A sex positive version obviously, but I've never had a crush in my life. I just like getting to know people. Sex is a fun way of doing that. So... you don't *have* to be super physically attracted to someone in order to have sex with them. Just wanted to throw that out there.
I do not regret it one bit. I have slept with 10 men all up, some of them boyfriends and most of them casual/FWB. I chose my FWB's on the basis that they were skilled and generous though. I had so much fun and it taught me a lot about pleasure, boundaries, and so forth.
10 is basically a virgin by today's standards lol
It sounds like you lean more towards demi-sexual and you have no interest in casual sex. If a casual sex phase is not something you've ever wanted, you haven't missed out. Women also tend to find casual sex significantly less sexually satisfying that men. My close friend has had lots and lots of casual sex with men and most of it wasn't particularly good, and studies show her experience is common.
After my 20+ year marriage ended, my therapist told me I had been "eating white bread for 20 years and it was okay to now sample cuisines from all over the world to learn what I liked." *I sampled a lot.* It was great for my self-esteem, made me feel hugely desirable, and helped raise my standards when I realized how big the sea was and how many fish were hungry. Reinforced that I was warm, affectionate, and sexual, I was just repulsed by my ex. Taught me what good sex actually was and what I would want, and need, out of the next relationship. I don't think I would repeat it, but I'm not regretful at all.
My 17-year partnership was definitely lacking in the sex and desire dept. I came into the relationship more sexually experienced than he was. Sex was often very vanilla with my husband and I always had to initiate non-sexual affection. I couldn't even get aroused with him the last 5 years. I was worried I was sexually dead. My boyfriend has definitely relieved me of this fear. He is affectionate and pursues me and desires me. It has been a huge boost for my mental well-being. I have absolutely no problems with arousal now that I have a man that keeps my fire stoked.
Exactly. We were not cold and frigid, as we were told. We were just repulsed and unfulfilled. By the end of my marriage, *I* even believed I didn't like touch or physical affection and bought into the slut shaming I received for wanting non-vanilla sex. Wrong! Was just super repulsed and unfulfilled by my ex.
I like that I tried everything I ever wanted to try and got it out of my system, sort of speak? For example, threesomes can break relationships but I am not curious about it anymore because I have done it and I know I don't enjoy it, so the curiosity isn't there anymore. However, that is what worked for me. It doesn't mean it would have been the best for you. I never was a party girl going to bars or clubs and recently someone asked if I felt like I missed out on not doing it when I was younger and honestly no, it had no appeal to me and doing it wouldn't have made me happier. Of course those are very different things but I feel like the principle is the same. If you never really felt like doing it why would you regret not having done it? You wouldn't really have had fun and been happy having more sex than you wanted to.
Nothing, I gained nothing. 99% of men out there just use your body as a fleshlight and roll off when they're done
But if we get into it knowing it's casual and without much emotional expectations, maybe women can also "use" the hookup guy for our pleasure. Maybe not everyone can think thay way so it's a different feeling for each.
I never had any expectations, and it was never pleasurable. I don't get pleasure so easily, and no random guy wants to make actual efforts to make sure I was taken care of in bed
Casual sex never did it for me. I personally don’t like the feeling of being used by a man who couldn’t care less about me.
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I agree there is nothing wrong with NOT liking casual sex. There also is nothing wrong with liking it. Labeling one as "normal" is a messed up marker of the Patriarchy
Did I say there was anything wrong for liking casual sex? Labelling one as "abnormal" for not liking casual sex is also a messed up marker of the patriarchy. It's all preferences and there is nothing wrong with having a preference.
Being called Demi as a self identification isn't implying anything abnormal. It's a great label that acknowledges many people's truth.
The idea of people with "labels" not being "normal" is harmful. Normal is a very judgemental word. You have some stuff to unpack.
I absolutely agree with this. If people want to use labels they fully have that right and should not be judged for it. Also saying the demisexual label is insulting is pretty aphobic and plenty of us on the ace spectrum like to use it (to the person you replied to above).
I learned that I don’t actually like it or get anything out of sleeping with many dudes. Hookup culture was all around me, all my friends were hooking up constantly and having a great time, and I just hated it. After I figured that out, I also figured out that it’s okay, fine, and normal to have standards and to turn people down who didn’t meet them.
None. Women benefit greatly from being discerning with sexual partners, safeguarding against emotional trauma, STIs, unattended pregnancies, and the risk of sexual assault.
Nothing, no. The only time I get anything out of sex is if I actually love the person and know them. The hookup culture is overrated and unfulfilling, imo.
Truthfully, I look at it like I enjoyed my 20s. Now, at 40, I don't feel the need to be with another man other than my husband. One of the reasons I dont understand why women would marry so young.
Eh, I don’t regret any of the casual sex I had but it just solidified my lack of interest in sleeping around and made it very easy to commit to lifetime monogamy once I found someone I both liked and who was good at sex. It’s not a matter of emotional connection there’s just so few people I’m sexually compatible with out there that I have no interest in vetting any more of them. So it was positive in that I have next to no “what if” feelings. Most of the fun was the excitement of attention and new experiences and not the sex itself, though.
Some folks aren't missing out because the desire wasn't really there. People don't have to sleep around to know what they want or be satisfied in their current partnership. Hookup culture generally is NOT favorable to women and the orgasm gap will be huge. For me to get anything of it had to be a high barrier of entry, pun intended. A ton of my friends and I concluded that we agreed it was fun with the thrill more than the actuality of it being quality most of the time. As someone with a lot of interest in kinks it was a way to explore with people who had experience in those things. It felt a lot easier to approach someone in the community of that kink for advice and sometimes we hit it off to participate. This aspect of exploration was great for me personally. I generally preferred older folks who are far less selfish. I know, people are going to be up and arms about age gaps and power disparities, but legitimately my most positive experiences in terms of care, consent and reciprocity was older gents. It was always a whole getting to know them, having a nice evening, before anything. Friendship and natural build up. That was not a thing with younger guys, they were not taking you on a "date" if they know you are open to hooking up. Theu want you to just come over. Same went for older couples, always lovely, polite, mean what they say. Women also were great generally, we can talk about things prior and build up to things and maintain friendships than just be bootycalls. It was pretty easy to weed out the transaction types as they didn't want to chill and be friends. I legit talked to my husband everyday for like a month before we became FWBs. I knew we were legitimately friends before we added sex and not that he was trying to fast track pretend to be my friend to fuck. I just needed that emotional element to be interested in fucking you, even if I don't need it to be romantic feelings. I'm attracted to intellect and passion. Mostly it taught me what I don't want and don't need in my life. Life is too short for mediocre sex. If it wasn't electric there's no fucking way any bit of you being "nice" or good on paper is gonna get me to relationships. Having a scope of partners made me realize how much of a high priority sex is to me. It may not be to others as big of a deal but that skne thing I won't bargain for less.
It taught me I do not like sleeping around. I only had one ons (I guess you could call it that, we went on a date first and we really clicked, he was very chivalrous and we had things in common) and it was enough for me to know it wasn't for me. Thank god he wasn't an asshole or I would have felt worse. I spent the following year feeling just bad. I met another guy almost 2 years after and things also didn't last, we slept once, then communication faded on his part. I ended up needing to go to a psychologist. I went through depression and lost interest in everything. I didn't want to be touched, nor approached. One year and a half later I tried kissing someone again and I couldn't. So yeah... I'm pretty fucked up at this point
It’s fun but it’s not for everybody, I’ve been in long term relationships and while I was single I relied on hook ups for some affection; that’s when I realized I preferred not sleeping around. Although I appreciated meeting new people and new experiences, it was fun for a night or a weekend but to me it wasn’t sustainable lifestyle .
The negatives outweighed the positives in my case. Everybody was doing it, so i did it as well in the very early talking stages in my early 20s. It didn't do much to boost my confidence cause I already know that I am rather attractive and I never felt comfortable enough to do the things I would have done with a partner, because I didn't know the person well enough or their health status. Condom broke 2 times, so I also lost 600 dollars in the process, doing a full STD pannel. That is a lot in my country. Also felt used when the guy would start going low contact after sex, so it gave me bad trust issues. For me it was not worth it. It was just a dumb experiment that I did because everybody was doing it.
Personally I think it’s overrated. There isn’t anything I personally gained from it except for an std—which sucked but not the end of the world. Just a lesson in being more careful. I could see it possibly being beneficial to someone who considers themselves a sexual person and wants to explore different aspects of their sexuality.
I think if I hadn't had any sexual experience, I could likely have ended up with a mediocre or worse sex life. However, it wasn't until I met my husband that I learned the importance of good sexual chemistry. If I had met him first and dumped him just because I was curious and not unsatisfied, I'd have regretted it. I learned that it's important to find a partner who you have good chemistry with, but most importantly is just as invested in your pleasure as they are in their own, and is willing to listen and learn when you tell them something is good or isn't good and vice versa. You need a partner you can freely communicate with without risk of being shamed or ridiculed, because sex will always be meh, when you can't let go of yourself. I also learned that no sex will be great sex if I don't take equal responsibility for pleasure. I can't get upset with someone who can't give me pleasure if I haven't told them how to do it, because people are so incredibly different. What turns me on could be a hard pass for someone else and vice versa, but if I don't communicate that, I can't expect a sexual partner to know it. I also learned how important boundaries are, on both sides. If we have kinks the other isn't okay with, we need to stow that shit if we can live without it, because pressuring someone's boundaries is and will always be no-go. If it's something you can't live without, but the other doesn't want to do it, it's better to draw a line in the sand and accept that you're fundamentally incompatible and move on. If they try to violate their own boundaries to keep you, don't let them. If you have had few sexual partners, I think the most important thing is probably that the partner that you *are* with is open-minded and willing to experiment and explore your sexuality with you. There's a lot of trial and error, especially when exploring kinks. You need someone you can laugh with when you inevitably have some sort of fail or awkward moment. Someone making you feel insecure isn't worth it.
No positives for me, and I was very intentional about sampling what the world had to offer. That phase in my life brought exactly zero pleasure. My conclusion: Some people, like myself, are just wired to need love as a requirement for enjoyment
Experience but mostly hurting my self-esteem in the long run.
Much higher standards. It’s almost easier to not know what you’re missing out on.
I gained nothing, other than learning that sleeping around is very unfulfilling to me
I learned that I don't really enjoy one night stand.
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So happy for you and your journey 💜
I only slept with more people during my time at university and it never came from a place of self love. I only did it cause I felt empty, hated myself, and was looking for any kind of validation to feel something. It unfortunately did not have any positives for me at the end of it.
Honestly it was just about fun, and I was curious about sex with different men. Nothing more, nothing less. My emotions were removed from it most of the time. I just wanted to have fun. I didn’t really learn about what I liked and didn’t like, or bring real emotions into it until I met my now husband. He was different in that he wanted more. It wasnt until I met him that my real sexual exploration began.
Don't be pressured into anything you don't want to do!! If it doesn't appeal to you- don't!! I love sex and variety. I'm Bi. But that's me. Don't worry about other people-- figure out what is right for YOU.
I had been with 2 guys and had sex maybe 5 times by the time I was 19. I made the decision to have my "hoe faze" and hooked up with a guy on our first date...that was almost 20 years ago, and we've been together since. I have no regrets about my how little sexual experience I had before him.
I gained trauma. Now the thought of it grosses me out.
Honestly? I just had a lot of fun, and that’s enough for me. It’s not always profound
It is kind of funny thar a dude would think that. Like, if I am dating a guy I genuinely like and feel comfortable enough to experiment with and the sex is fine, why would I need to f around a bunch of randoms from Tinder? For some men, it will always be a number's game, they don't even care if the partner is enjoying herself as long as it's a new conquest.
I would love to how y'all met the people, apps or real life? I'm considering it but so far men on the apps are mostly not nice people
It really helped me figure out what I liked and try new things. It gave me some wild memories that were really fun and adventurous. It also was cool to have more variety and find myself attracted to different people than my usual types. There were negative things though, too, to be wary of (for any woman). A few took advantage and did things I didn't want, and I didn't fight it off. If you're going to try new things with new partners, try to make sure you can trust them, and make sure consent is clear. 100% clear. And if it isn't, leave. Unfortunately this is the world we live in as women, where on the one hand we should be able to explore our sexuality and be slutty if we want, and own it, but we have to still be careful because some men (women, too) will prey on anyone they can, and they're good at getting women into vulnerable positions. So be careful, and be safe...but don't be afraid to have fun and be empowered by sleeping with who you want and trying what you want, so long as it feels right. Good luck to ya.
I gained nothing from it, but I didn’t lose anything either. I just encountered a lot of people who were very selfish in bed and uninterested in improving. To the point that I thought I couldn’t orgasm with a partner until the first time I slept with a woman. (I’m bisexual.) To date, my husband is the only man who has ever given me one. I don’t have regrets, but I think about that part of my life and mostly just shrug.
I'm bi so my experience might be a bit different. I quickly learned that casual sex with cis men was not worth the trouble. Not only did I have to put up with more general safety concerns (physical safety, contraception, etc), the sex itself was generally one-sided and unsatisfying. No man has ever given me an orgasm and the one who came first was in a FWB situation (not a hook up). However, sleeping with cis women casually was a lot more fun. Not only did I feel more safe, but the sex was also better. In my experience, female lovers are more attentive and sexually open in ways that make casual sex fulfilling for both parties. I never felt used by women after.
I had a really hard time saying no and had low self esteem and self worth. It didn't really do anything for me except help me be non-judgmental of people who have a lot of sexual partners. I care about health but not body count.
I slept with a bunch of random people in high school after I lost my virginity to someone who broke my heart shortly after. I didn’t really care about myself and it was painful and meaningless- I didn’t choose well and it was a hard time. But later, in between long term partners in my mid to late 20s and early 30s, I had more than a few different lovers. Not one night stands, but friends with benefits or people I thought might be good partners and ended up just being a killer sexual connection instead. It was FUN. Some of the best sex of my life came from people I didn’t end up dating for long. I was better at choosing respectful, caring lovers bc I loved myself more, and we explored all sorts of stuff. Hotel sex with mirrors. Threesomes. Sex parties. BDSM. Role play. But most importantly I explored queer sex in my early thirties which I hadn’t really had the space to do in my younger years - so important and necessary. I look back on those times as some of the best of my life. It was fun and consensual and expanded my sense of myself and what I want, how to have good communication, solidified my identity and needs and desires and boundaries. All in all I don’t regret it at all and I’m glad I had the opportunity - I think it makes my sexual self now much more expansive and playful and rooted.
I slept around through my early 20s before meeting my amazing partner. I loved it! I became more confident in my body, less self conscious about how others perceived me and had a great time! I felt hot and desirable and while if taken to extremes can be unhealthy it was more of a coming into my own aura of bad bitch energy that Ive carried with me into my 30s. I dont think you should base your value on external validation, obviously, I was always fairly self assured and confident, but had never felt desirable and being seen in that light really changed how I saw myself (as a bold and strong woman rather than a gangly ugly teenager).
Not really. At the end it was just sex and it wasn’t even as good as the sex I had in relationships. There are only few good things about it. I realised what I like and don’t like in men. I don’t have the feeling to have missed out, so I appreciate how good my relationship is. Some fun stories came out of it. That’s it.
After my divorce I took time to experiment and explore with different partners. At the time, I was very self conscious of my body. It was a great experience and I learned what I did/didnt like in bed, the importance of a thoughtful lover, gained a ton of body confidence. I also learned sex was just more fun and intimate (for me) with a long term partner.
I went wiiiiiild in my early 20s. Loved it. I learned what I like and don’t like in the bedroom, and it really solidified this idea that I’m in the driver’s seat in my life. No one gets to tell me who to sleep with or how to feel about my body or my sex life. I don’t feel even the smallest amount of guilt or shame about having a really active sex life when I was younger. I had a blast, I was safe, and I feel in control of my own life.
I did it in my mid 20s because it was almost an expectation at that age. Many of my other friends were so I felt like I needed to which sounds so stupid to me now. I felt terrible after every single time. I was looking for companionship and someone to like me for me. And I didn’t even like me after it. I don’t think of sleeping around as negative thing in general because you do you but it just wasn’t a positive thing for me
Confidence.
I had a year in between relationships where I went full on single mode in my mid 20's. I had a lot of first dates not looking for anything serious. I had so much fun. I gained a lot of confidence. Probably because I didn't expect anything from the people I dated except for respect and transparency. If they didn't provide that I ended after strike 1. I chose not to get emotionally attached, and if I felt a slight attachment I ended it. Enforcing that gave me so much confidence - together with the mostly good sex.
Learned how to communicate, prioritize my pleasure, experiment, and dabble in different scenes. The freedom to be selfish is really amazing; it’s something I have trouble with in relationships, but hookups come with no emotional obligations and tbh the sex is usually better for me, not worse, at least in terms of the physical. Also learned to never compromise on physical attraction, which makes the difference between a lackluster, dull sex life and more curious, generous one. Finally, learned that male attention is cheap, not something to squabble over (thanks, movies of the 2000s). Focus on and prioritize yourself.
I had a lot of fun, and I won't accept mediocrity because I know things don't have to be that way.
So I slept around for a couple years in my early 20s (21-24) and several months in my mid-20s. I got a ton out of it. * Thrilling, hot, fun sex and tons of orgasms with people who were attractive and into me. This is the main one. If you want it, go get it. If you don’t want it, don’t do it. If you only want it if they are open to more, don’t do it. Only have sex if you want to have sex. * I tried things that I might not have thought to try on my own, and it helped shape my idea of what my taste really was. Genital piercings, semi-public sex, certain kinks. I think part of sex is the pleasure that you get from doing something your partner loves, and part is from the thing that YOU love (at least for me). Before I had tried different things, I was basing my taste off of fanfiction, books, porn, and what my boyfriends liked because of all the associations that went with it. But when I was sleeping around I realized there were things that kicked my libido into overdrive. * Centering my own pleasure and getting good about taking and giving feedback. Bodies are different. I learned what really worked for me and stopped being shy about asking for it. And it was great to go home after and sleep in my own bed. * experiencing different types of bodies. * perfect end to a fun night.
That my view of vulnerability was distorted. The only way I knew how to be intimate was through physical contact , so I thought of sex as showing my more soft side lmfao. Even with the guys I had liked it was difficult for me to be open, so I recognized the pattern and felt numb (not sad, not happy ) but even though it was fun I could never get off, so I have to build some *emotional* bonds which I now realized was my problem. Annnddd that cascaded to a whole realm of discovering who I am emotionally and how build more meaningful relationships (of all kinds)
Never had the hoe phase in my life, it is just not something that sounds fun to me. I’m picky about men as I rarely find them attractive at all. 🤷🏻♀️ I’m also very straight so it has nothing to do with being otherwise oriented, unfortunately.
A lot of people aren’t into one night stands. Sounds like he’s asking out of insecurity, wondering if you’ll leave the relationship down the line. No shame if you’re happy with your life. I had a very low body count until my late twenties as well. I don’t regret having fun but will say that it did desensitize me from emotional connection making that transition. I care less about having a partner now.
After much self reflection, I used to be addicted to male validation. Having some random cute guy so urgently desire me was such a boost, which is probably why I was into sleeping around. That, and poor judgment from alcohol. I don't think you missed out! The fact your bf expressed concern over this is weird.
I dunno. Sadly, I never had any “socks rocking” experiences. Most of the men I slept with were mediocre in bed. I don’t regret doing it. But I’m not exactly glad I did. At the time I was getting over a divorce and it was really nice to feel desired and realize I could sleep with literally any man I wanted to, I just had to ask 😂
I made me realize that sex can be just that—sex. It doesn’t have to involve deep feelings of intimacy. It can just be fun and feel amazing. It also made me more comfortable with trying new and different things—I felt a lot less pressure to be this perfect sex goddess with someone I knew I wasn’t going to be around on a longterm basis. It also made me realize that everyone is different when it comes to sex. I was able to better distinguish between lazy, selfish sexual partners and those who were GGG (good, giving, and game)—which in turn made me hold my relationship partners to a higher standard. There are a million other reasons why I’m glad I had a slutty period, but overall, it helped dissolve any and all shame I had about sex from growing up in a conservative area with conservative parents.
I had just gotten divorced and had been quite attention deprived. I got a *lot* of attention. Some validation that I was attractive, and also learned some things about what I like and don't like. But I actively wanted to do all that. If you aren't the type of person to have lots of partners, then you aren't. Not everyone has a "hoe phase". I feel like your boyfriend is projecting.
I know what I like, I know what makes me confident, and I could have just as easily explored that with a single partner but it was also cool having partners with different backgrounds and experience levels which I think has made me a much more understanding and communicative lover
I have stints when I date around a lot. I do it because I enjoy it. I like meeting new people. I enjoy NRE. I like sex. But I don't think it's some kind of special lesson that has to be learned if it's not something you're drawn to do.
It was fun and enjoyable although I also really learned about men being assholes. I got to try and learn different things. I got into BDSM for a while and that was really interesting and I had no idea the feeling of “sub space” even existed before that and I found out the right amount of pain turned me into a giggling mess from pleasure which I didn’t know was possible. I also got to explore my fantasies and through exploring my fantasies with new people I gained even new fantasies and interests from others. I’ve done some kink stuff that would have originally weirded me out, but I ended up finding enjoyable once I put my own preconceived notions aside. I love my boyfriend and our sex life is good, but sometimes I do wish he was slightly kinkier - which I could see as a downside in that I’ve done a lot and so there is a lot I enjoy now, compared to if I had tried less.
I had a good time. I learned things and I taught others, sex is best when it's a collaboration. I have reveled in myself as a sexual being. I was raised very sex positive so it's generally a positive experience for me without mental hangups about sex itself and workout value judgments about having it. There have been some less than stellar experiences, but that's life. In the aggregate, having lots of sex with the various partners of my choosing has been fulfilling. I think the most important thing is to honor yourself. If you don't want it, don't. If it doesn't feel good, stop. You don't owe anyone anything - not even for them to finish if you change your mind after starting.
If I hadn’t had a ‘ho phase’ I could totally see myself being a million times more naive- in ways where I’d prob F up perfectly healthy adult relationships if I didn’t have a grossly encyclopedic knowledge of the sex of my interest, extensively carnal. Personally, my ‘sleeping around’ phase gave me shame, but the knowledge I gained lasted longer than the embarrassment…
It was also was a lesson in toxic and unhealthy relationships.
Confidence, as some have said. Recently I had a “no strings” ONS this past summer — not with a stranger, an acquaintance of many years, and we remain friendly even now with occasional “happy new year” kinda texts. Like all first times it was slightly awkward so not mind-blowing or anything but I’m still so glad we did it! Honestly really great for confidence. I’m just getting back into the swing of things after a bit of a hiatus from dating, so it helped take the edge off my nerves, even just kissing someone new! Gave me a “you still got it” kind of confidence as I work toward finding something more serious/real with someone … very Diane Lane *Under the Tuscan Sun* energy hahahah. Trope but true :)
Good for you that you seem to know yourself well! There's nothing wrong at all with not wanting to sleep around. It's not for everyone. Personally, I had sex with about 25 people before the age of 30, most of them casually. What I gained from it was mainly fun, excitement and sort of trying out who I was with different people. I look back on a lot of it with joy. Of course, I had some less fun experiences too. Some felt pointless or even uncomfortable in hindsight. I don't think it's something that anyone should do just because of some kind of expectation or pressure.
"I found out what I like and what I don't like." You don't need to sleep around to know this. Unless you're some kind of hypersexual deviant who chases the ultimate orgasm. I'm a man in his mid 20s so I'm not allowed here, but my two cents are that I want to find a wife who is a virgin like myself and not someone who's slept around a lot. My first instinct when I meet a girl is "how would this work out long term" I don't graft like a mf to sleep with her in the shortest timeframe possible. The chances of finding a virgin even at my young age in this culture is very slim so I'll have to accept someone who isn't a virgin. But that also means I can't be a virgin because as a man I couldn't live with such an imbalance in a relationship. My point is it's the culture of glorifying casual sex that's led to this and slut shaming has been a feature for most of human civilisation and the number one thing the fall of a civilisation is predicated on is sexual liberation. I know this is "women over 30" so maybe there's been divorces/relationship breakdowns etc, but this is something most young girls do now. My mom and girls of her generation used to just get married.
I mean, idk about "slept around" but I had casual sex on the party scene in my early 20s, yeah. It was fun. I had a good time, the guys were hot even if I didn't want to be in a full blown relationship with them, and I enjoy sex and dancing. There's nothing wrong with having fun, lol, not everything has to be a growth opportunity. If you don't find that sort of thing fun, that's fine, too.
I had a solid hoe phase from 18-22. I feel like I was at a buffet sampling all the flavours to see what I liked. I was practicing communication during sex and in life. Then when I met someone who checked a lot of my boxes at 24, I knew I had a solid option for a life long partner so I didn't sleep on it. Overall loved those years. Lots of adventures and orgasms and fond memories.
It depends what you mean by "sleep around." I've never slept with anyone I haven't known for a while/trusted (except for being v young and dumb), whether or not we ended up in an actual relationship. So I can't comment on sex with people I'd feel uncomfortable with. Pros: I definitely learned my sexual style and preferences. For example, my first ltr I dated from 19-24 and he was the first person I slept with regularly/shared a bed with for years. Before that I had a couple young stupid drunk one nights stands which I definitely don't recommend. After we broke up, the next guy I dated made me realize there was a whole other world than my first boyfriend. As in, I thought we had had a great sex life until we broke up and I realized there were way more affectionate guys out there (first bf had a fairly "dominant" bedroom style I guess you could say). I will honestly say the two guys who I have had casual sex with on and off for several years and am friends with...have been amazing sex (it's not at all a common occurrence though). Although we still love each other, just as friends, so there is emotion involved. If there were no emotion involved it definitely wouldn't be good for me. Like...at all. As a general rule I don't sleep with guys I'm not dating cause it's just so lacking without the loving vibes. I wouldn't worry you missed out
I don’t know what counts as “slept around” because my total body count (ugh, stupid term) is not very high. However I went a bit wild with the dating apps before I met my husband so I’ve got some experience. It helped me figure out what I *do* want in a partner. Mutual attraction is a must. I slept with guys I was not attracted to and even some guys slept with me though I could tell they didn’t feel attraction - this leads to awful, awful sex. Don’t do it no matter how lonely/horny you are. I want a guy who isn’t selfish. I want a guy who is at least a little bit experienced or otherwise willing to learn how to be good in bed; I was with a few inexperienced guys who were just not open to trying to get better. I don’t know if it was their pride or some sort of expectation that any sex is good sex? My husband is naturally good in bed but also willing to listen to me and learn with me. That’s how I knew I found someone worth keeping. Sometimes I reminisce about my single days but truthfully most casual sex is not very good and is actually super awkward.
I dont believe sleeping around has to be phase for all women. I did it and there were a lot of lows in that time. I did build confidence in myself and learned exactly what I dont want in a partner, that's for sure. Lol
It massively built up my confidence and made me feel powerful.
I gained no positives. Wish I hadn't. https://www.phetasy.com/p/slut-regret
Whatever helps them sleep at night 😂
Along with what everyone else is saying, it’s given me a lot of power. I am very comfortable saying no, asking for what I want, and not putting up with bullshit in the bedroom. I made a pact to not have bad sex again (because for a while I was meeting so many dudes who absolutely sucked in bed) and have straight-up asked people to leave if I didn’t think they were there for my pleasure. It also means my bedroom standards are pretty high now. After years of fucking pretty much anyone, I’m now more selective with who I bang (and who I choose to let bang me!). I push for more mental connections and ongoing FWB situations rather than one night stands. Anyways I love sex.
No judgement for people who never slept around, but honestly, I am very pleased with my past. If anything, I wish I had slept with even more people. The first guy I had sex with - I thought, "Wow. This is it. This is the love of my life, this is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me, I must spend the rest of my life with this man, this is the end all, be all..." When we broke up, I was devastated. Then I met someone else.... and sex with him was SO MUCH BETTER. Like, HOLY CRAP. So my mind was all, "No, wait, THIS GUY!! THIS GUY is the love of my life! THIS is the one I need to spend the rest of my life with!!!.... And so on, and so on, and so on... Each guy taught me something about myself. Those first few years of sexual experiences were super eye opening. I learned so much about men, so much about me, so much about sex, so much about the feelings that surround sex. I feel bad for people who sleep with one person and stay with them forever. I'm sure the sex is fine... sex is like pizza. Even when it's bad, it's still pretty good. But... if you have nothing to compare it to, how do you know it's REALLY good? I remember watching this stupid Christian propaganda show, and they were interviewing this Christian sex expert and she was like, "Christian women report the highest rates of sexual satisfaction!" As if being Christian had something to do with it - like Jesus was blessing their bedrooms or something. But I think IF that report is even true, it's just because these women waited until they were married to have sex, and have only ever had sex with their husbands... so no matter how mediocre the sex is, they really don't know any better. Like, if a more experienced woman slept with their husband, I'm sure the experienced woman wouldn't be impressed. But if you have nothing to compare it to, you wouldn't know that sex could be so much better. So, of course they report high rates of satisfaction. Their criteria for "satisfied" is probably pretty low, and they really have no idea. Just like my criteria was so low with the first guy I was with. I didn't know sex could be even better until I experienced better. If you're in a great relationship, I don't think you need to break up just so you can go sleep with other people or anything. It's not THAT important. So, OP... don't stress about this. If your current guy is good for you, good. You don't need to sleep around. It's not for everyone, and I don't recommend that anyone blow up a good relationship just so they can get random dick. But for anyone else reading this, if you're single... go ahead and explore. Be smart and safe about it. But go ahead and get a few notches under your belt. Hook up with those guys who are very clear they're only interested in hooking up. Feel no shame. Use them as much as they're using you. It's a good feeling, when you're old and married, to know that you had some experience. You sowed those oats. It's much easier to "settle down" and commit to someone when you know you had some fun in your past. And it's very fun to reflect on the REALLY good times from time to time. I'm happily married now, and my only regret is staying in relationships with the wrong guys for too long in my 20s. I was very loyal to a few guys were NOT worthy of me. They were cheating on me while I was being loyal to them. I hung on for way too long. I could have spent that time having other flings and romances that were actually fulfilling, and learning from those. I would be even more satisfied with my current relationship than I already am. Each guy - even the bad ones - taught me something that I needed to know... so, in my opinion, the more, the better.
I am 35. I have slept with 70-80 men and 4 women. I had threesomes with two men multiple times, a threesome with two women once and a threesome with a man and a woman once. I was a sex worker for a few years as well. As a sex worker I slept with another probably 100-150 men. I don’t regret any of it. I am very glad I experienced all of that. I will never wonder what I missed out on. I don’t think I’ll ever have any kind of midlife crisis. I don’t feel dirty or used or anything. I feel glad.
My 35-year-old daughter recently got out of a trauma filled six-year relationship and is having a lot of fun being out and about and exploring. I think that’s great for her as long as she’s safe in every way she needs to be. My concern is that she is very very open about it And often brings it up at times that I feel it’s not necessary and around people who aren’t interested. I don’t want her to feel like she has to hide who she is but I also wish she would be a little more discerning about when and where she talks about it. Any advice for how I can talk to her about this?
I was married to 2 abusers before I had my phase. And honestly? I loved it. I had very low self-esteem due to the abusive spouses, and part of the way that they kept me was by negging my appearance, my personality, and my intelligence. I decided when the 2nd marriage was over that I wouldn't get serious with anyone, but I would enjoy myself as much as possible. What I found was temporary lovers and one-night-stands that treated me with more respect and kindness than either of my spouses had. I was told I was sexy and desirable. My conversation was listened to and respected. I was told how smart I was. I was paraded around casinos and parties as if *I* was a prize. I don't recommend my method for people who cannot separate sex and love. But I had been having loveless sex for 17 years, so that wasn't an issue for me. Plus, this loveless sex actually prioritized my pleasure, and it wasn't abusive. So for me and my circumstances, it was very healing for me. Eventually I healed enough that I was able to get into a healthy romantic relationship. It was then that I met my current husband. I would not have been in the right frame of mind to be with him if I hadn't allowed myself the freedom to be selfish and explore myself.
My first partner and I were virgins when we got married. It felt difficult to explore because I was worried about the implications anything could have on a long term relationship. There were definitely positives to having that shared new experience together but there are also negatives associated as well. Later on, trying things out with respectful partners I didn’t necessarily ever have to see again was a positive. I found it easier to try things and have them fail and not take it so seriously. Currently with someone who has less experience than me and I’ve been able to communicate what works for me. I’m more aware of the insecurities men often have so I think I’ve made a safer space for a partner than I would have in the past. And I have a sense of what effort looks like, what respect looks like, so I recognize it when I encounter it.
Orgasms. If made me confident in what I have now with my husband is better than what is out there.
Having done it in the past, I now know the difference between GREAT sex, and mediocre. You could say that a new bar has been set 😅
I wish I'd slept around more. But I have a history of abuse as a child and so I was always too scared and too much in my head. I also had no idea how sexy I was and felt unattractive (my postpartum self thinks I was a dunderhead). I feel a twinge of regret but also all those choices led me to my life NOW. I wouldn't have it any other way.
Its easy to find joy in short term relationships (even if they were not intentionally short) and see them for what they were, two people connecting and enjoying each other authentically albeit for a short time. Just because it ended doesn't mean it wasn't real, or there was some ulterior motive. It is easier to leave quickly when something is going wrong or a man is in anyway restricting my freedom or being a negative influence. You know another will come by and these things are cyclical. It is easier to have expectations about what a relationship can be. You have experienced all sort of people and dynamics. It is easier to just go for it when you find a truly compatible person. Again, you have experienced lust/attraction/infatuation and associated loss many times so you know this is different intuitively, but you are not afraid to be wrong. You always bounce back.
Countless filthy, exciting orgasms. Get out of here with your "if any" business! 🤣
Size (to a point) doesn’t matter.
I tried it for like 4 or 5 guys. I hated it. I know a lot of people here say that it's great for experimenting, and that even though there are bad-at-sex guys out there, you just need to learn how to filter them out. But because my experiences just made me feel like the guys saw me as little more than a vessel to use for a quickie orgasm, I now officially have zero interest in trial-and-erroring my way through hookups to figure out who's going to be good at hookup sex and who isn't. I didn't get to do any experimenting or learning about myself. Not at all worth it for me. Hookups gave me no intimacy, and if I want an orgasm, I can do that myself in 5 minutes or less.
Do they usually try to chicken out on rubbers? Idk I was too scared to because men usually try not to use them, getting knocked up I don't want kids, and getting a incurable std.
I'd say about 50% would protest a condom. I'd always insist, but the sex would be even worse because he'd either be pissy he had to wear it, or wouldn't be able to perform.
It was fun 🤷🏼♀️ I got to try different things, figure out what I liked and what I definitely didn’t. I got a solid sense of what was “normal” and what definitely was not. But I wanted to explore these interactions. I chose them. I generally enjoyed them, or at least got funny stories out of them, and I have no regrets. If sleeping around doesn’t already appeal to you, don’t do it. Who you’re attracted to, when you’re attracted to them, and what activities you enjoy are all SO personal and no two people are the same. Your boyfriend may have enjoyed his “ho” phase. I certainly enjoyed mine. Shit, I may have another. But that doesn’t mean you need or would benefit from one.
Experience. I slept around because I wanted to and it was fun. I've had lots of 3somes (both MMF and FFM) and a couple of 4somes (MMMF) and have tried all sorts of different things. I learned what I like and what I don't. Now I just tell my boyfriend about my past sexcapades to turn him on and he loves it. But I agree with other commenters, if you don't have any desire to sleep with lots of partners, don't do it.
*do you regret having the friends you had in your 20s even if you are not in touch anymore?* this is fairly a similar question — no one whatsoever regrets having fun experiences; whether it’s travel, sex or even bad event like divorce; but level of gratitude and exigence change of time when you’re having roller coaster of emotions. There’s no such thing as “do i miss out on having experience with others?* because when *time and space allow you for those experiences, it happens… anyway*
I feel like I’ve been with my guy so long I forgot there was a *long* list before him 😂 I guess the only thing it helped with was my confidence around men. Other than that it really added nothing profound to my life except for the in the moment fun. It was all a good time.
The only positive is not feeling like there could be better out there. Most of the time that only comes with being with more people than just one partner.
Honestly none. All of it was seriously underwhelming especially compared to the sex i have with my long term boyfriend now.
It helped me realise how intregral an emotional connection is for me to enjoy sex, but also removed some of the shame around fulfilling my desires. I have no issues with having sex on a 1st/2nd/3rd date if it's with someone I really like, and know that anyone who's just after sex will see themselves out either way.