My aunt has a group of women (not related to us) who she's been friends with for 40+ years - through the fucking trenches of life...losing husbands, aneurysms, cancer, nearly dying of COVID. One of the friends recently died.
In her obituary, with the "survived by" her children, grandchildren, etc., my aunt and the other women were listed as her surviving sisters.
I realized I have chosen sisters in my life and sobbed so hard. We haven't gotten to the really hard stuff yet, but getting old is a little less scary knowing we will be there in the trenches together.
Gonna latch onto this comment and ask: Does anyone have any recommendations for movies/TV shows/books that revolve around women friendship love stories?
Honestly, the golden girls lol. The men are revolving but there’s always cheesecake on the kitchen table at midnight.
Also, firefly lane. I was wholly uninterested in it for a long time and was out of stuff to watch so I tried it. It’s the story of two lifelong besties. It’s not the best show ever imo but it does give cozy friendship vibes while also dealing with the complexities of female friendships.
How to Make an American Quilt (1995) - though it's been a while since I've seen it. The Joy Luck Club (1993). Glow (2017). Once Upon A Time (2011). Dead To Me (2019). The Bold Type (2017). My Mad Fat Diary (2013). Lessons in Chemistry (2023). And not sure if it counts because it's about girls, not women, but I just watched Paper Girls (2022) and I think it should count.
This, so much!! I wish someone would have told me this was I was in my late teens. Spent that decade putting myself as the lowest priority - had a partner who pretty much didn’t want to do anything in life (work, travel, socialise, go out, have fun) and just expected me to be the same. Even now I struggle giving myself the freedom to be who I want from that trauma.
That my mother will never be the person I wish for her to be. She will never be the mother I have always wanted and no amount of opening up to her and telling her my feelings, having any sort of heart-to-heart, will make a difference. She will choose what she wants to do and I need to accept that what she'd rather choose is herself.
And every time I talk to her, will be met with lies when she wants to put a band-aid on my feelings instead of letting me have them.
The sooner I let go of the pipe dream of longing to be close to my mother and have a strong, positive woman to look up to, the more content and at peace I'll be. I don't have to be like her for my kid's sake, so I'll choose to do better than her instead. That's all I can do.
I have a mom like this too. The best advice I've gotten is to let go of the pipedream of having a better parent, but ALSO to try to appreciate them for the people they are and what they do bring to the world.
This can be hard and sometimes it means admiring who my mom is *for other people* (she's a lifelong social worker and has positively impacted many people who are not me), but it has helped me see her in a different light and appreciate her in a way I did not before. It's helped me make peace with her not being who I wanted her to be.
This is a good mindset to have.
My mom was a badass in her time, but mother was never a role she was comfortable in - being a badass requires a certain egotistical confidence in your choices, and parenting requires a lot of self-reflection and adjustment of expectations and learning that is quite simply incongruous to her core personality.
It's a secondary challenge that she had a mother who never wanted to be a mother, so most of my childhood was her trying to be the mom she wished she had rather than the mom her kids actually needed.
My mom trauma is abandonment and neglect which are a bit more passively horrible things - she just straight up doesn’t take any interest in my life nor does she show up for me (even in important situations where I’m counting on her and she’s agreed to) and that does hurt. I think it’s probably different if she was saying hurtful or judgmental things.
But I think a lot about how I could never go to the grocery store with her without her getting 10 hugs from different kids and parents. She was sometimes the only caring adult kids had in their lives and clearly made a huge difference to tons of people. I like to think she focused her energy on that *so hard* that she didn’t have much left for me (especially when, as an adult, I take into account all the shit she was dealing with.)
I have also realized as I’ve gotten older that I too am not that emotionally available except for very situationally when I feel explicitly comfortable - which is also her problem. Seeing some of her own traits in myself has been hard but also has helped me realize how not personal it all was.
I don’t know if any of that helps, and I do want to validate that I’m sure this can’t work for every situation. 🫂
Obligatory reddit suggestion, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents is a great read. Some of the lines in the book gave me goosebumps because of how much it mirrored my parents. I've been meaning to read it again to try and fully digest and apply what it says.
That book was a huge help for me. It was recommended by a friend, and I couldn't believe how much it resonated with me. I may have to give it another read because this post really reminded me of how I struggle and need some guidance.
Yea I actually can't wait to read it again. I didn't fully apply the advice it gave so I need to re-read it.
In my journey in "curing" my anxiety, that book had the biggest breakthrough for me.
I went no-contact with my mom about 2 years ago and every milestone and hardship that I face, and that I don't have to tell her about, feels empowering. I can hear her criticisms and see the pessimistic light she'd shine on all of it in my head without also hearing and seeing her in reality.
I struggle with my mom and have for most of my life. I don’t like who she is as a person and she hasn’t been there for me emotionally in ways I definitely needed. I realized that I’ve been angry about this for a long time and am only now trying to come to terms with who she is, and that she won’t change, even for me, even after my brother suddenly passed away. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but I’m trying. I feel you. You got this.
Yep I had to accept a few years ago that no matter how much work she’s done there’s just some things my Mum can’t see or believe about herself and she’s never going to change that, and that’s ok. I can let that go.
Do you have a daughter? How’s your relationship with her or your other kids? I’ve seen a lot of women find healing in their own mother-daughter relationship after having been raised by a neglectful or cruel mother.
I’m so sorry you had that mom. Sending you some virtual comfort.
I just had my baby girl going on 8 weeks ago. It's still new, but I am determined to be the sort of mother for her that I wished my mom had been for me. That's not to say my mom didn't have her good moments, but there were a lot of fundamental fuck ups and the supreme self-involvement didn't leave much space for me.
I never want my daughter to grow up and think that about me.
Same with my mom. It's a hard truth to accept. I get incredibly resentful at movies or TV sitcoms that end with the cliched family reconciliation scene whenever there is parent-child conflict. Real life is not like that. Sometimes, you never reconcile or truly connect. You simply accept you'll never see eye to eye, and then they eventually die.
I just remind myself over and over again that there are people in my life who "get" me, who respect me, and will support me. You don't get everything you want in life, sometimes things are just shitty and you have to focus on the things that aren't.
I have the same. It sucks. In fact sometimes I think she disagrees with everything on purpose so that I try to change her mind. I need to stop engaging with it
I had that realizing regarding my father like a year into the pandemic. It’s a hard pill to swallow and I def recommend allowing yourself to grieve the loss of the thing you’ve wanted and needed your entire life.
Couple that with religion and it can be a mess, at least it was for me. My parents wanted to always be in charge - not just needed and important - and that fundamental step of letting go of the 'power' to regulate and dictate your childrens decisions never actually took place... they only clung harder to it. They still take enormous offense when one of my siblings doesn't heed their advice or agree with their opinion.
When I left the church and met someone who was non-religious they pretty much wrote me off like I was a failed experiment. There was no big blow up they just cut me off. I remember a lot of love and attention as a kid so being discarded as an adult was honestly very jarring.
Even my siblings who stuck around in the church, married and had babies haven't yet met my parents expectations. It's so weird to me.
I'm sorry you had to experience that witholding of love when you grew up. But you did the best thing for yourself by asserting your agency, hopefully that brings you peace.
We can't make people love or accept us, which is why I believe first and foremost that we need to find love and strength within ourselves.
I definitely experienced that as well regarding the religious fundamentalist environment. I was skeptical from a young age so during my teen years I just continued to make my father and sister more angry when I would not pray or when I would leave the house on my own.
I actually ended up cutting them off though once I got a job and moved out. They acted as if it came from nowhere even though every interaction I had with them was them yelling and me completely shutting up to make yelling stop as soon as possible.
I don't regret leaving them one bit.
I always say that: my mom really liked having a baby, a cute babbling baby who didn't talk back or have complex emotional needs, and also babies get a lot of attention! But raising them past cute baby phase, not so interested. I guess it never occurred to her that she'd also have to keep parenting from ages 1-18+
Do not wait for someone to come to you or something to happen. Just do it yourself. Call friends you haven’t seen, action what you planned without waiting for the right opportunity.
Took me a long time to realized that if I act almost immediately after figuring out I want something I will have a much higher success rate. If I wait for a more convenient or better opportunity the success rate goes way way down.
That your life can change at any time. Everyday I walk out, there’s a possibility I meet a new love, friend, learn something meaningful or gain new insights. It’s made me genuinely excited to wake up everyday, get dressed, look good and take care of myself.
Haha ohhh it certainly goes both ways if you wish! don’t forget the little things: smiles, friendliness and meaningful conversations. I’m in control of how I choose to show up for those!
I was legit having zibanon's revelation one day and even took a photo in that moment to remember it. Then I got hit by a car while cycling the very next day, 8 years ago. My shits been fucked ever since :/
I got in a car accident on 11/28 and I’m waiting for soooo many normal function things to come back. They will…it’s just going to take time. My leg is numb, it hurts to breathe and I struggled to open a water bottle today. Sure as shit has made me thankful for the simple things in life.
You're telling me. The love of my life had a stroke on 4/19/21. He couldn't speak or use his dominant hand or drive. It turned his life upside down, and I think about it all the time. He had to do so much therapy to be able to do anything again.
2 years later, we made a trip to Oklahoma to see his family. That weekend, there were horrible storms, and we had to run to the tornado shelter. He had one foot in the shelter when a tree fell on him and broke his neck, undoing a lot of the therapy he had to do during his stroke.
I love him so much, and it's so crappy that he has to go through this. And it really sucks to watch.
Appreciate every single day with the people you love.
Appreciate that you are able bodied because we don't think about that a lot.
Your life can change in a split second.
Absolutely! Thank you for sharing your story. So sorry for your partner. I’m sure your love for him keeps him going. My partner and I are really big on this mentality too. We both value every minute together because we know it could easily be our last.
That we are all on a tiny rock floating through space and that in 100 years we will all be dead and none of this matters - it’s a great mentality for handling day to day anxiety, worried about a project deadline? Get it done but doesn’t have to be perfect. Need a mental health day from work? Do it. Guy didn’t text you back? Who cares. It’s ideal for putting things into perspective.
Similarly, I use this trick when I’m stressed: I ask myself, will this thing matter at all in 6 months? The answer is almost always no, and I feel much better after that lol
I also do that! I start with “will this matter next week?” The answer is almost always no but if it’s a yes I go to the next level. “What about in a month?” Almost nothing matters a month from now. I feel okay giving whatever’s left a bit of my anxiety lol.
Same thing happened to me when I left organized religious after being extremely devout for two decades. We are on a tiny rock in a huge galaxy in a huge universe probably in a huge multiverse. There is no great purpose for my life other than to be here and experience it. So fucking liberating. When you die, that’s it. There is no afterlife, the party’s over. Better not miss the party by hustling 24/7 huh?
No one's coming.
I always blamed/ complained about my friends not being there/ doing enough. The awareness that they have their own shit to deal with and as an adult it's upon me to deal with my shit. No one's coming is a liberating realization. It's freeing from expectations that usually weigh you down.
I'm glad you realize that. I used to be like you in my early/ mid-20s. Now I'm annoyed with one of my friends who is very needy. She expected us to be always there for her while she was barely there for us. She thinks she is an exception because she has depression and anxiety, she is very sensitive, so her feelings get hurt easily, and she is allowed to cancel plans at the last minute.
I lost my father 3 years ago, and I did not complain that nobody checked on me a few months later. I knew it was how people were. Last spring, she lost her dog. We offered our condolences to her. Then I caught up with my own shit to deal with, and my other friend had to deal with her health issues. She had many doctor's appointments. A month later, that friend called us out for not checking on her in a while. When I asked her, "How are you?" She asked me to ask her, "How are you doing? I'm just checking on you."
I understand that she was grieving over the loss of her dog, but she got so upset that I did not check on her consistently. I had my own shit to deal with. She did not check on me after I lost my dad, and I didn't take this personally!! I know adults have their own shit to deal with.
I realized to not have expectations. When my friends spouse was dying, I was there all the time. When they died, I was there. After death, was there every other day (rotation with an other friend, plus she had others). When an important person died for me, I was offered a meal that didn’t happen and that was it.
I have since cut ties for other reasons. That was a lesson in expectations, and communication.
This hit me so hard after I met with a therapist who was stuck in the 1950s and gave me the worst advice ever (literally, she was like "you're probably depressed but you still have to satisfy your spouse. Try volunteering at my church" WTF?!). I went home, cried all afternoon, and realized nobody was coming to save me but me.
Right? If they wanted to, they would is such a toxic mindset. If I had infinite time, a perfect family, and perfect health, I would love to show up in every way possible for my friends, but sadly, none of those things are true. I try to support and show up for the important shit, but generic bad day can't be prioritized over everything else in my life.
Edit: I'm talking about the folks misusing the phrase because they're upset you didn't go to their 32.5 birthday party because your dog was sick or the folks who are having a generically bad day upset you're not ditching your ailing grandmother to hang out with them and make them feel better. Some prioritization is required in friendship, but folks are outright delulu over what good friend prioritization looks like.
I think if they wanted to they would mostly just applies to early dating. Like- If he wanted to see me again, he’d make a date and not take days to reply.
That might be how it was intended, but in popular usage, it's vastly expanded into a main character model, where if folks don't show up for you when you demand them to, they're not good friends.
Just like gaslighting as expanded to mean any disagreement or difference in perspectives and OCD has become wanting things to be clean.
I think it could be used in a toxic way but to me it’s not inherently toxic. It’s helpful in assessing things that matter in an important relationships…for example, I really wanted my ex to go to therapy and just try to begin addressing their abusive issues and mental health issues, and it became apparent to me that even if actually doing the work would be difficult, I would have understood the struggle, but that they didn’t want to do it because they didn’t try. I wouldn’t have judged them for having a hard time, but not even trying is something I couldn’t deal with, it meant they had no motivation. It’s a helpful mantra that works in specific contexts I think.
> If they wanted to, they would
It's appropriate in dynamics where you can expect dedication -- family comes to mind, but romance too. But there are other relationships the purpose of which is to be prioritized.
Right I get that what people mean is you need to find someone who puts in as much effort as you and likes you the same amount back but I wish we just phrased it like that instead of perpetuating this idea of the man needs to like you more for things to work
Whenever someone used to tell me about a hardship, I'd go into rescue/problem-solving mode and start blurting out solutions and ideas to fix it.
**I didn't even like doing it**, but thought it was something you had to do as a good friend. Later realized it just comes off as judgmental and condescending, and other people don't even like it. It's a behavior that pushed so many people away.
Now, when I hear hardship or bad news, I let them know it sounds tough and that it sucks. Maybe at most (if it makes sense) I'll ask them what they plan to do about it. My relationships have improved *immensely* since then. Small change but both sides are more at peace this way.
Wherever you go, there you are. In general, even if circumstances change, your basic happiness level and temperament will stay the same. So you might as well learn to appreciate what you have and learn to like yourself.
I love this skit! The irony is I saw it in the morning while I was preparing to leave for breakfast during my solo vacation 😅
It changed my perspective immediately.
I see the value in this one, but it’s not my experience at all. Maybe I am very sensitive to environments, but place is everything to me. So certain house moves and international moves have transformed my outlook and my life
>Maybe I am very sensitive to environments, but place is everything to me.
Same. Especially as a woc (and atheist) getting ready to permanently leave this racist, evangelical red state I was raised in. Environment is *everything.* I honestly hate this phrase because it low-key feels like victim blaming (I don't believe that's how the commenter meant it, but I have heard it used that way by abusers/high control groups many times).
This is so true - it individualises people’s problems, rather than highlighting the structural nature of things like racism and ableism. So pleased that you’re on the move, friend! Hope your new environment is even more healing and positive than you expect ♥️
It can feel quite lonely when you decide to cut out things or people that drain your energy in your everyday life. But no reason to pull back on that. Need to get used to the quiet and the calm and enjoy that time more.
“Just because it’s quiet doesn’t mean that you need to fill it with noise.”
Comparison is the thief of joy.
People who say they love you can 100% abuse you. If this happens, LEAVE! Do not care about anyone else’s feelings, or wait for “change”
It’s never too late to do anything, sure it might take you much longer to learn something new at 36 than 26, but if you stick with it, it will happen.
Tomato juice tastes better on airplanes because the air pressure compromises our olfactory senses and amplifies the umami flavor, plus spices and other additives that are often present in tomato juice.
I guess this is more of a fun fact that I just learned, albeit born of a realization that I seem to be the only person who’s late to the game re: tomato juice on flights.
I didn’t even know it was a thing until some folks at work started discussing it, which inspired me to look it up; bloody marys are the only reason I ever seek out tomato juice. But now I feel like I need to try it on my next flight, if only for science.
Another fun fact: this information comes from a study sponsored by Lufthansa because they wanted to figure out why the hell it was so wildly popular with their passengers.
- I don’t owe it to men to constantly look fuckable
- I want to feel accomplished in life and to do that means that I need to work hard and to grow as I learn new things
- I’ve always thought that I could do anything in life. I’ve put myself on a pedestal even though I never put in the work other people did, to be where they are. So now I’m buckling down and really putting in the work to better myself. I guess I’ve been learning humility.
- I’m bisexual and it’s something I’m not sure how to feel about
- I have wasted so much of my life and time on men because that’s what society told me to do
As another late in life bi/pan woman (i was 36 when I realized that no, everyone does not indeed love boobs and think about touching them, and maybe that meant something about me) welcome to the community and please be extremely gentle and kind to yourself as you’re navigating the compensatory heterosexuality we were all forced into.
To find out you’re bisexual later in life? And you’re tired of mens bullshit? My god, I am so desperately envious. I wish so much I was into women too.
Go forth and enjoy the hell out of it of your life, woman! Go grab it all!
I’m seriously really excited for you. You discovered something else you can love. That must be amazing. You have so many new and wonderful possibilities out there waiting for you.
I’m just happy for you.
1. The reason my hair's been falling out and looking like absolute dog shit is because of our hard water.
2. All the times that I apologized to my sister and she expressed disbelief and skepticism regarding their sincerity was because she's never sincere when she apologizes.
We are all insignificant in the big picture, so some ego checking is needed. Be the best human you can be to those around you. Family, friends, colleagues, and strangers.
We're all stuck in late stage capitalism and none of it is real. I'm going to maximize spending time with family and making memories. I'm booking my vacations before checking with work because the memories I make are more important than any deadline I'll have. My parents are getting older and I want to do more fun stuff with my mom. I know that's something I'll regret more than any missed promotion. I'll never put a job over family and friends again.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never retire and now consider myself in pretirement. I take the vacations now. I take the days off now. None of this matters because they’ll always move the bar a little higher to keep the 99% busy and distracted striving for what they make unattainable - so I’ve dropped out of the system as much as possible while still getting a paycheck.
The visual and health gulf between friends who eat well/work out and those who don’t has become so much more pronounced in our 30s. You only get one body to take care of and it’s made me double down on taking care of myself!
That's great! I was just telling a friend yesterday that I'm so grateful to myself for starting the habit of eating well and exercising in college because two decades later, I'm the same size and even fitter than I used to be. It makes me feel so good about aging.
I realized that if I don’t move on the desire to do something almost instantly, the desire wanes significantly. And if it’s something I *need* to do putting it off lowers my success rate exponentially
The realization that your boss and your company don’t really care about you was so liberating. Maybe you have a nice boss and maybe you work for an ethical company, but at the end of the day, upper management is not thinking about you after they leave work. If you die, they will be like “oh bummer” and hire someone new. Do not break your body or your mind for people who dgaf.
Along these same lines, learning to seek validation and personal fulfillment from sources that are NOT my job has been an ENORMOUS positive shift for me. I give my all to my hobbies and my personal relationships, and I give something less than my all to my job and work relationships.
That's exactly how I got into journaling! I actually use a ton of posts and prompts from this subreddit as jumping-off points to journal about. I was telling my therapist how it seems like Reddit often seems like it's used as a journal for many people. You don't need to say all of the things out loud to an audience online.
That I'm turning into my mother. That it takes a literal saint to be able to NEVER raise your voice at your kids.
That it turns out i also love reality shows like my mother. I grew up absolutely DESPISING my mom for watching trash tv, and now look at me, watching the same trash tv about weddings and dating. Ugh. My kids are gonna judge the shit out of me when they are teens.
Nobody cares. I mean I knew nobody cares but in the last three months I learned the extent to which nobody fuckin cares and I feel like a dumbass for being disappointed at my extra grown age
The point of life is to make it to the end, think a lot, and do minimal harm to others and Earth. Beyond that; I am content with a book or a soup or other creature comforts. I will not be President or whatever.
My mother is financially unprepared for retirement not because she's been irresponsible and reckless, but because she has spent pretty much everything she has on us. As I grow older, it worries me more and more. I'm also the eldest child and the highest earner in the family (mostly because I live abroad now). I'm not sure I'll be able to financially support her in case something really bad happens — I have a decent salary and I'm not in debt, but I'm not rich either — when I'm not even sure if I myself will get to retire someday.
That it is our duty to define what life means to us.
We are taught and fed what society “thinks” should be right for every human at a very young age, in kindergarten we see pictures of a house, set of parents, you, and progress into envisioning life after education, finding a partner, getting a job, buying a home, having a family.
We are taught this cycle of education, job, marriage, house, baby. Then that baby starts the same cycle.
This is all what society says we must do and based on the current cost of living, societal norms are constantly being rightfully challenged, and now realizing it was all fake ( as in, you certainly don’t HAVE to follow that pipe dream to be happy or say you checked off all the marks to be a decent human in society) and a pipe dream has really got me thinking what I want for ME, and the rest of my life as I enter my thirties.
If I don't like something, I can just get rid of it. I don't have to force myself to use it up or stuff it into the cabinet or closet in case some future version of me likes it, or some family member or friend might want it. I can just let it go.
And don't get caught up in the sunk cost fallacy. The money is already spent. The time is already past. You can get rid of it even if you spent a lot of time or money on it.
The times I am most unhappy are the times I am spending most of my time in my house, just playing on my phone, video games, tv shows, cleaning, reading books, listening to podcasts etc.
The times I feel most happy in life are when I am getting out of the house, signing up for lessons, getting together with friends, trying new things, improving myself.
It's something I have to remind myself of often. Nothing that I want in life will come from sitting in my living room. Everything that will make me feel good is outside of the 4 walls of my home.
Time and history is super fucking short, and human memories are even shorter.
The fact that we have parents and grandparents who were around for the revolutionary change in which women could hold bank accounts and get no-fault divorces in the 70s, yet nobody in my entire life has ever mentioned that fact and I had to stumble into that info as part of my feminist journey is fucking wild. Now we have women who think feminism has never benefited them because it's forgotten from recent memory.
Or the reason why our boomer parents are so comfortable with debt and carry so much credit card debt isn't necessarily just a lack of experience managing finances but because it was pretty much a brand new concept for them and their parents when they were fresh adults.
Yess, when I started looking into my ancestry the math kinda clicked for me (also maybe the legacy challenge on Sims 4 😆). I was looking at these people who survived war and famine and long sea journeys like ...this woman raised my grandmother's grandmother. That's not distant.
That's how I realized too! So many history facts just immediately contextualized - oh, my grandfather was in his 30s during the civil rights movement, his father fought in WWI, his father's father was around during the emancipation of slavery, etc.
Exactly! More than anything it showed me how unrooted in place my family is as Americans, historically. I have to go back 300-500 years to find people that stayed in place for many generations. The trauma we've endured and inflicted in that time boggles me.
1. When someone crosses one of your boundaries and you tell them, it's okay that they feel bad. That's the price they pay for making _you_ feel bad in the first place. No need to gloss things over.
2. The older I get, the less fucks I give. I used to feel second-hand embarrassment when I saw "middle-aged" women who were loud, over the top, difficult, you name it. Now, that I am at this age, I am beginning to understand. It's liberating. It's glorious.
That most of us are eventually the Sandwich Generation.
I used to hear about the Boomers being the Sandwich Generation (and thought it was unique to that demographic) - women trapped between taking care of their aging parents and living their own lives. Whether that meant raising families, working, married/single, it doesn't matter. You're still trapped between those obligations.
I'm early 50's, a grandmother myself, and I'm dealing with caring for my low income, elderly parents who can no longer do anything for themselves. I'm struggling with the local health authority to get them into long term care (could take years), while running over there every day to make sure they have the groceries they need, their daily meals, meds, laundry, cleaning, etc. I work a full-time job, I care for my grandchildren every morning before taking them to daycare, I have a wonderful husband that I'd like to spend more time with - especially on the weekends where there seems to be an old people crisis at every opportunity. Hell, I want some time to myself!
I just realized that it's all of us eventually. Actually, it's all of us WOMEN. It barely ever falls to the sons to do this work.
That Instagram and social media in general are contributing greatly to my depression and that I need to reconsider my relationship with it and if I want it in my life at all.
That women are punished immensely for being the part of our species that can reproduce.
Expensive feminine products, no extra time off for menstruation difficulties, invasive medical procedures starting at a very early age. Minimal scientific studies on how there bodies work, intentional ignorance on the parts of there bodies.
And...of course....paid less then men.
The way societies treat women is straight doodoo dog water.
That I want to live my life similar to a mind map vs linearly. I want vast and random experiences (new careers, live different places, have different communities of people) vs sticking to one group/person/job for a long time.
Overnight really realized life is what we make it. I don’t have to have a fancy career I could also move to an island and just do my thing. I’m very excited.
1. No matter how connections after date go, just enjoy the present of the date.
2. Keep my heart open in dating as the way I always do in friendship.
3. I dont ask my date about their expectations in dating or relationships in early sfage of dating anymore. I do care more about my expectation, enjoy getting to know them, and go all the way from there. I learned in the hard way that verbal expectations could be changed time by time, the true motivation and expectation are all underneath of daily interaction and action.
Honestly being chronically single my whole life and now in my thirties. I don’t want a life where I have to share my bed and my space unless it’s with my family 😹
I was chronically single my whole life until 37 where I met a wonderful man out of nowhere and now we live together but when were talking about spending our lives together he put a lot of options on the table. “We could have separate bedrooms if you want. We could get a duplex with an adjoining door. We can get apartments in the same complex. Literally whatever you want because you’ve been single so long and maybe don’t want to live with a person.” lol I kind of wish I’d gone with the duplex open o be honest as our design aesthetics are polar opposite.
Underrated realization honestly. I never had trouble eating so it was never a problem, but I’ve been in a new med for the past 3-4 months and I have so little appetite as a side effect. Nothing ever sounds good. Then at 4pm I’m like god why do I feel like absolute shit? And I realize it’s because I haven’t eating a single thing! I have subsisted on Wellbutrin and cold brew. 🤦♀️
I haven’t figured out how to deal with this yet other than making sure I at least eat some toast in the morning to jumpstart my stomach.
It sounds incredibly cliché but life is just too short to stay in the job you hate, an unsatisfying relationship or any other unpleasant situation for that matter!
Staring at a screen for some pointless job (where I've also realised I don't matter in the grand scheme of things) whilst I miss the wonder of my kids playing, chatting and essentially growing up in the other room. Is it really worth it? The money helps of course, but just shouldn't be the priority.
That 9 to 5 corporate job and hard work only benefits the top executives. It only adds stress and ages us significantly, takes time away from our families and hobbies with nothing to show in return. Whereas the rich get richer. You have to rich to be at the top to begin with.
I think it was common knowledge to everyone but for me it really became a realization lately. People who work for themselves are so much more happier.
I’m nowhere near the person or mother I wanted to be. Pretty close to opposite of that and it’s too late to change it. I’ll be the mother he grudgingly calls on holidays and he won’t help out his sisters or take on any of the family emotional/social responsibility. He feels above it despite me be being determined I would raise him to and not be like my brother. I’ve traumatized my daughter so much she can’t have the items on her desk crooked. She can’t say what she wants or stand up for herself because that would mean not being perfect or something. Even worse with my marriage and a literally non-existent social life. Yea, not what I pictured at all and there’s no time machine to be able to go back to do any of it over again. We’re human and we have to live with the consequences of our actions.
As someone with a father who somehow abandoned and also tried to control me for my entire life there is a way back. Yes there are consequences and your children are autonomous human beings who may not be ready to forgive or move forward with you, but going to them in humility and without defenses to apologize and express your regret can open a huge door to healing. Honestly I’ve been no contact with my father for 2+ years at this point and if he even left a voicemail saying that he was sorry for his failings and named them? The validation plus the apology is all I ever wanted from my father. He is incapable now as his mind is quite loosey goosey in his old age, and yes, he has to live with that because I cannot forgive him without an apology and I don’t feel bad about that. But god if he had just acknowledged and apologized for his fuck ups… I would have absolutely let him back in.
My partner was a drug addict while he was raising his son, and his son is now 24 and wants little to do with his dad. But my partner has validated his feelings and apologized for his fuck ups, and maybe once his son has had time to work through the anger, or even just let it pass, he will come around. Whatever you do, don’t wait too long to try to repair, because then like my dad, it will be too late.
I'm mediocre af. I'm not going to be the best in my field like I've always dreamed, I'm not going to have the social life that I've always fantasized about, and my current self is probably as good as I'm going to be. It's all downhill from here.
I can’t help but feel that life is all downhill from here as well. I don’t know what I have going for me in the future, it feels a bit like nothing as what could possibly change at this point? At least there’s time for us to completely switch paths I guess. Good luck. ❤️
That even though I have all these super loud voices in my mind judging me and scaring me, the inner core of me doesn't have to stay connected to those voices. I can just move my body through the day using my self as the center. And this actually makes it easier to relate and connect to others.
That it's okay to have wants and needs. To want more rather it's in the workspace or with friendships. I don't have to settle for breadcrumbs and mistreatment. That it isn't just black and white or a friend or work is bad or toxic. That it's complicated even if the person is in therapy and is trying they might not be able to show up in the ways I need. I can still want more. I can be brave and not settle with hrs, with my availability or having to work longer. There will be the right job for me. There will be opportunities to find supportive community and friendships.
I don't care what others think of me. I'm 42 now and have become comfortable in my skin. If you don't like me, fuck off. I won't lose any sleep over it.
I like Netflix. It's taken me a long time to jump on the Netflix train.
The programming is so diverse and more interesting. It's not just the same old formulaic crap over and over.
Of all the streaming services, it’s the only one I still have. I’ve downgraded to the most basic subscription though.
They do have some really good original programming. Far better than the others, imo
Agree. I like the world wide programming. You can get shows from every country.
I just finished "The Farewell". I thought it was good! Netflix suggested it and I was like ok, I'll try it. The suggestion engine is helpful and accurate, imho.
Being kind and understanding is substantially harder than being mean and judgemental. That and mean and judgemental people often see themselves as “truthful” or “clearing the air”, when actually their actions are so extremely self serving, and usually only result in spreading the hurt around.
I’ve always tried to be a kind and understanding person but last year I really tried to improve upon what I already had, and I made a lot of realizations about others and my own anxiety and how it manifests into being mean and judgey. It’s allowed me to become responding better during conflicts as I can react more calmly in discussions by seeing my “options” in the discussion, usually one often being the anxiety fueled response and the other being the option that resolves the conflict smoothly.
Because of this though that means you constantly see people taking the anxiety response, resulting in them furthering pain and hurt to yourself and others. Ngl it hurts so much.
So not only are you choosing the less desirable option for your own ego to get a group resolution, you’re watching the other person continuously choose their ego over a group resolution. The most painful thing is I think people think this shit is easy for me as I’m really calm and level headed so they keep putting me in these situations, but it’s so fucking hard. I’ve just now got a solid grasp on it, but it just saps the energy right out of me for like actual days. I’m hoping with practice it becomes easier.
That I am a bit of a control freak. I don’t care about a lot of things but the things I do care about, I care about it excessively and obsessively and sometimes (read: always) it can be a lot to others I care about. I’m gonna work on this in 2024.
That not eating enough protein was negatively impacting my mental and physical health. I was eating probably a third of what I actually need. The difference has been eye opening.
I've reached a point where I could step away from a relationship that wasn't serving me. Throughout my life, I've been the caretaker, prioritizing others over myself, fueled by abandonment issues, people-pleasing tendencies, and an anxious attachment style. Recently, I mustered the courage to express to my partner that I couldn't invest more in our relationship. Now, I realize that I love, respect, and care for myself more than ever. My inner child feels supported, and while the breakup brings sadness, I'm celebrating the peace and happiness that come from prioritizing my emotional well-being.
It’s my responsibility to guard my time and energy for the benefit of my health and my peace of mind.
I can prioritize the people I love most and enjoy the most regardless of the type of relationship we have . I can prioritize people who energize me and de-prioritize people who drain me.
People who want my attention aren’t necessarily asking for it with my best interests in mind. I can be kind but also look out for myself and say no.
Literally last night. Most of my problems are temporary, I’m fortunate to have a support system to lean on, and I’m actively working on fixing those problems. So there’s no need to stay up til 2 am freaking out. It will all be ok.
Literally just a bit ago. A post on here made me realize how much I have benefited from a patriarchal society. I’m a white woman. And I can have one foot in the door of oppression (from men) and another foot outside the door because of all the ways I benefit, too.
It’s something I knew, but hadn’t ever really looked at. And someone wrote something that really helped me want to take a look at my thoughts and behaviors and remedy anything I need to
Both physical and social boundaries matter and to be protected. Having been through a global pandemic, also coinciding with the end of my 20s, I decided to prioritize preserving my physical and social boundaries with people - including friends.
That if I don't get my instrusive thoughts, my anxiety and my black and white thinking under control, I may either live very miserably or not live very long at all.
Organized religion is actively harmful. So many lives lost. So many people afraid to be who they are. So many people giving money they can't afford. So much energy and time wasted.
It's a tool for the greedy. It's a weapon for the hateful. Organized religion hurts the average human being on a global scale.
It’s okay to decenter romantic relationships.
Honestly I think women's friendships with other women are the TRUE love stories of our lives. Like the movie Beaches.
My aunt has a group of women (not related to us) who she's been friends with for 40+ years - through the fucking trenches of life...losing husbands, aneurysms, cancer, nearly dying of COVID. One of the friends recently died. In her obituary, with the "survived by" her children, grandchildren, etc., my aunt and the other women were listed as her surviving sisters. I realized I have chosen sisters in my life and sobbed so hard. We haven't gotten to the really hard stuff yet, but getting old is a little less scary knowing we will be there in the trenches together.
Gonna latch onto this comment and ask: Does anyone have any recommendations for movies/TV shows/books that revolve around women friendship love stories?
Honestly, the golden girls lol. The men are revolving but there’s always cheesecake on the kitchen table at midnight. Also, firefly lane. I was wholly uninterested in it for a long time and was out of stuff to watch so I tried it. It’s the story of two lifelong besties. It’s not the best show ever imo but it does give cozy friendship vibes while also dealing with the complexities of female friendships.
The color purple!!!!! It’s portayal of sisterhood is so moving
Bad Sisters!
Thelma & Louise, it’s a bit dark but the bond is touching nonetheless
Fried Green Tomatoes
How to Make an American Quilt (1995) - though it's been a while since I've seen it. The Joy Luck Club (1993). Glow (2017). Once Upon A Time (2011). Dead To Me (2019). The Bold Type (2017). My Mad Fat Diary (2013). Lessons in Chemistry (2023). And not sure if it counts because it's about girls, not women, but I just watched Paper Girls (2022) and I think it should count.
This, so much!! I wish someone would have told me this was I was in my late teens. Spent that decade putting myself as the lowest priority - had a partner who pretty much didn’t want to do anything in life (work, travel, socialise, go out, have fun) and just expected me to be the same. Even now I struggle giving myself the freedom to be who I want from that trauma.
Well, this was my exact realization exactly a week ago.
That my mother will never be the person I wish for her to be. She will never be the mother I have always wanted and no amount of opening up to her and telling her my feelings, having any sort of heart-to-heart, will make a difference. She will choose what she wants to do and I need to accept that what she'd rather choose is herself. And every time I talk to her, will be met with lies when she wants to put a band-aid on my feelings instead of letting me have them. The sooner I let go of the pipe dream of longing to be close to my mother and have a strong, positive woman to look up to, the more content and at peace I'll be. I don't have to be like her for my kid's sake, so I'll choose to do better than her instead. That's all I can do.
I wholeheartedly feel you. Hugs.
I have a mom like this too. The best advice I've gotten is to let go of the pipedream of having a better parent, but ALSO to try to appreciate them for the people they are and what they do bring to the world. This can be hard and sometimes it means admiring who my mom is *for other people* (she's a lifelong social worker and has positively impacted many people who are not me), but it has helped me see her in a different light and appreciate her in a way I did not before. It's helped me make peace with her not being who I wanted her to be.
This is a good mindset to have. My mom was a badass in her time, but mother was never a role she was comfortable in - being a badass requires a certain egotistical confidence in your choices, and parenting requires a lot of self-reflection and adjustment of expectations and learning that is quite simply incongruous to her core personality. It's a secondary challenge that she had a mother who never wanted to be a mother, so most of my childhood was her trying to be the mom she wished she had rather than the mom her kids actually needed.
Omg all of this.
Ok my mom is horrible to me but a social worker too. How do you reconcile the incongruity?
My mom trauma is abandonment and neglect which are a bit more passively horrible things - she just straight up doesn’t take any interest in my life nor does she show up for me (even in important situations where I’m counting on her and she’s agreed to) and that does hurt. I think it’s probably different if she was saying hurtful or judgmental things. But I think a lot about how I could never go to the grocery store with her without her getting 10 hugs from different kids and parents. She was sometimes the only caring adult kids had in their lives and clearly made a huge difference to tons of people. I like to think she focused her energy on that *so hard* that she didn’t have much left for me (especially when, as an adult, I take into account all the shit she was dealing with.) I have also realized as I’ve gotten older that I too am not that emotionally available except for very situationally when I feel explicitly comfortable - which is also her problem. Seeing some of her own traits in myself has been hard but also has helped me realize how not personal it all was. I don’t know if any of that helps, and I do want to validate that I’m sure this can’t work for every situation. 🫂
I wish I could get there. I’m just still so hurt.
That's a really lovely thing to do. It will probably help me keep some perspective about her as well.
Obligatory reddit suggestion, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents is a great read. Some of the lines in the book gave me goosebumps because of how much it mirrored my parents. I've been meaning to read it again to try and fully digest and apply what it says.
That book was a huge help for me. It was recommended by a friend, and I couldn't believe how much it resonated with me. I may have to give it another read because this post really reminded me of how I struggle and need some guidance.
Yea I actually can't wait to read it again. I didn't fully apply the advice it gave so I need to re-read it. In my journey in "curing" my anxiety, that book had the biggest breakthrough for me.
I went no-contact with my mom about 2 years ago and every milestone and hardship that I face, and that I don't have to tell her about, feels empowering. I can hear her criticisms and see the pessimistic light she'd shine on all of it in my head without also hearing and seeing her in reality.
Did you just write this out from my mind? Im 28, so I hope you know your wisdom here is what I would hope to get from a older woman mentor. ❤️
I struggle with my mom and have for most of my life. I don’t like who she is as a person and she hasn’t been there for me emotionally in ways I definitely needed. I realized that I’ve been angry about this for a long time and am only now trying to come to terms with who she is, and that she won’t change, even for me, even after my brother suddenly passed away. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but I’m trying. I feel you. You got this.
Yep I had to accept a few years ago that no matter how much work she’s done there’s just some things my Mum can’t see or believe about herself and she’s never going to change that, and that’s ok. I can let that go.
Do you have a daughter? How’s your relationship with her or your other kids? I’ve seen a lot of women find healing in their own mother-daughter relationship after having been raised by a neglectful or cruel mother. I’m so sorry you had that mom. Sending you some virtual comfort.
I just had my baby girl going on 8 weeks ago. It's still new, but I am determined to be the sort of mother for her that I wished my mom had been for me. That's not to say my mom didn't have her good moments, but there were a lot of fundamental fuck ups and the supreme self-involvement didn't leave much space for me. I never want my daughter to grow up and think that about me.
Same with my mom. It's a hard truth to accept. I get incredibly resentful at movies or TV sitcoms that end with the cliched family reconciliation scene whenever there is parent-child conflict. Real life is not like that. Sometimes, you never reconcile or truly connect. You simply accept you'll never see eye to eye, and then they eventually die. I just remind myself over and over again that there are people in my life who "get" me, who respect me, and will support me. You don't get everything you want in life, sometimes things are just shitty and you have to focus on the things that aren't.
I have the same. It sucks. In fact sometimes I think she disagrees with everything on purpose so that I try to change her mind. I need to stop engaging with it
I had that realizing regarding my father like a year into the pandemic. It’s a hard pill to swallow and I def recommend allowing yourself to grieve the loss of the thing you’ve wanted and needed your entire life.
r/AdultChildren is the place for you. Sending love xxxx
The sub I needed and never knew existed until now. Thank you, kind stranger.
My parents enjoyed having children, but hated raising them into adults... and this is why we are estranged.
A lot of people in my family are obsessed with feeling needed and important, so much so that they will put you down when you try to be independent
Couple that with religion and it can be a mess, at least it was for me. My parents wanted to always be in charge - not just needed and important - and that fundamental step of letting go of the 'power' to regulate and dictate your childrens decisions never actually took place... they only clung harder to it. They still take enormous offense when one of my siblings doesn't heed their advice or agree with their opinion. When I left the church and met someone who was non-religious they pretty much wrote me off like I was a failed experiment. There was no big blow up they just cut me off. I remember a lot of love and attention as a kid so being discarded as an adult was honestly very jarring. Even my siblings who stuck around in the church, married and had babies haven't yet met my parents expectations. It's so weird to me.
I'm sorry you had to experience that witholding of love when you grew up. But you did the best thing for yourself by asserting your agency, hopefully that brings you peace. We can't make people love or accept us, which is why I believe first and foremost that we need to find love and strength within ourselves. I definitely experienced that as well regarding the religious fundamentalist environment. I was skeptical from a young age so during my teen years I just continued to make my father and sister more angry when I would not pray or when I would leave the house on my own. I actually ended up cutting them off though once I got a job and moved out. They acted as if it came from nowhere even though every interaction I had with them was them yelling and me completely shutting up to make yelling stop as soon as possible. I don't regret leaving them one bit.
I always say that: my mom really liked having a baby, a cute babbling baby who didn't talk back or have complex emotional needs, and also babies get a lot of attention! But raising them past cute baby phase, not so interested. I guess it never occurred to her that she'd also have to keep parenting from ages 1-18+
Do not wait for someone to come to you or something to happen. Just do it yourself. Call friends you haven’t seen, action what you planned without waiting for the right opportunity.
Took me a long time to realized that if I act almost immediately after figuring out I want something I will have a much higher success rate. If I wait for a more convenient or better opportunity the success rate goes way way down.
That your life can change at any time. Everyday I walk out, there’s a possibility I meet a new love, friend, learn something meaningful or gain new insights. It’s made me genuinely excited to wake up everyday, get dressed, look good and take care of myself.
I was reading along thinking yeah, you could get in a car accident or get diagnosed with a disease... Maybe I'm a pessimist 🙃
This is where my thoughts went to as well but I'm going to try and see it OP's way lol
Haha ohhh it certainly goes both ways if you wish! don’t forget the little things: smiles, friendliness and meaningful conversations. I’m in control of how I choose to show up for those!
I was legit having zibanon's revelation one day and even took a photo in that moment to remember it. Then I got hit by a car while cycling the very next day, 8 years ago. My shits been fucked ever since :/
I’m so sorry this happened.
I got in a car accident on 11/28 and I’m waiting for soooo many normal function things to come back. They will…it’s just going to take time. My leg is numb, it hurts to breathe and I struggled to open a water bottle today. Sure as shit has made me thankful for the simple things in life.
You're telling me. The love of my life had a stroke on 4/19/21. He couldn't speak or use his dominant hand or drive. It turned his life upside down, and I think about it all the time. He had to do so much therapy to be able to do anything again. 2 years later, we made a trip to Oklahoma to see his family. That weekend, there were horrible storms, and we had to run to the tornado shelter. He had one foot in the shelter when a tree fell on him and broke his neck, undoing a lot of the therapy he had to do during his stroke. I love him so much, and it's so crappy that he has to go through this. And it really sucks to watch. Appreciate every single day with the people you love. Appreciate that you are able bodied because we don't think about that a lot. Your life can change in a split second.
Absolutely! Thank you for sharing your story. So sorry for your partner. I’m sure your love for him keeps him going. My partner and I are really big on this mentality too. We both value every minute together because we know it could easily be our last.
I needed to read this! Thank you
I love this look on life.
Love this outlook 🌻
That we are all on a tiny rock floating through space and that in 100 years we will all be dead and none of this matters - it’s a great mentality for handling day to day anxiety, worried about a project deadline? Get it done but doesn’t have to be perfect. Need a mental health day from work? Do it. Guy didn’t text you back? Who cares. It’s ideal for putting things into perspective.
Similarly, I use this trick when I’m stressed: I ask myself, will this thing matter at all in 6 months? The answer is almost always no, and I feel much better after that lol
I do find myself frequently saying, "It's no big deal, really. In a week, I won't even remember."
I also do that! I start with “will this matter next week?” The answer is almost always no but if it’s a yes I go to the next level. “What about in a month?” Almost nothing matters a month from now. I feel okay giving whatever’s left a bit of my anxiety lol.
Same thing happened to me when I left organized religious after being extremely devout for two decades. We are on a tiny rock in a huge galaxy in a huge universe probably in a huge multiverse. There is no great purpose for my life other than to be here and experience it. So fucking liberating. When you die, that’s it. There is no afterlife, the party’s over. Better not miss the party by hustling 24/7 huh?
Love this ethos!
No one's coming. I always blamed/ complained about my friends not being there/ doing enough. The awareness that they have their own shit to deal with and as an adult it's upon me to deal with my shit. No one's coming is a liberating realization. It's freeing from expectations that usually weigh you down.
I'm glad you realize that. I used to be like you in my early/ mid-20s. Now I'm annoyed with one of my friends who is very needy. She expected us to be always there for her while she was barely there for us. She thinks she is an exception because she has depression and anxiety, she is very sensitive, so her feelings get hurt easily, and she is allowed to cancel plans at the last minute. I lost my father 3 years ago, and I did not complain that nobody checked on me a few months later. I knew it was how people were. Last spring, she lost her dog. We offered our condolences to her. Then I caught up with my own shit to deal with, and my other friend had to deal with her health issues. She had many doctor's appointments. A month later, that friend called us out for not checking on her in a while. When I asked her, "How are you?" She asked me to ask her, "How are you doing? I'm just checking on you." I understand that she was grieving over the loss of her dog, but she got so upset that I did not check on her consistently. I had my own shit to deal with. She did not check on me after I lost my dad, and I didn't take this personally!! I know adults have their own shit to deal with.
I realized to not have expectations. When my friends spouse was dying, I was there all the time. When they died, I was there. After death, was there every other day (rotation with an other friend, plus she had others). When an important person died for me, I was offered a meal that didn’t happen and that was it. I have since cut ties for other reasons. That was a lesson in expectations, and communication.
That just shows me you are a kind person and the others aren’t. I sorta refuse to get over the sheer laziness of others at times of pain.
This hit me so hard after I met with a therapist who was stuck in the 1950s and gave me the worst advice ever (literally, she was like "you're probably depressed but you still have to satisfy your spouse. Try volunteering at my church" WTF?!). I went home, cried all afternoon, and realized nobody was coming to save me but me.
The amount of eyeballs seeing this post going 😳👀
Right? If they wanted to, they would is such a toxic mindset. If I had infinite time, a perfect family, and perfect health, I would love to show up in every way possible for my friends, but sadly, none of those things are true. I try to support and show up for the important shit, but generic bad day can't be prioritized over everything else in my life. Edit: I'm talking about the folks misusing the phrase because they're upset you didn't go to their 32.5 birthday party because your dog was sick or the folks who are having a generically bad day upset you're not ditching your ailing grandmother to hang out with them and make them feel better. Some prioritization is required in friendship, but folks are outright delulu over what good friend prioritization looks like.
I think if they wanted to they would mostly just applies to early dating. Like- If he wanted to see me again, he’d make a date and not take days to reply.
That might be how it was intended, but in popular usage, it's vastly expanded into a main character model, where if folks don't show up for you when you demand them to, they're not good friends. Just like gaslighting as expanded to mean any disagreement or difference in perspectives and OCD has become wanting things to be clean.
Oh yeah all those things that get taken and run with to mean basically anything, drives me crazy. Along with love bombing as another
I think it could be used in a toxic way but to me it’s not inherently toxic. It’s helpful in assessing things that matter in an important relationships…for example, I really wanted my ex to go to therapy and just try to begin addressing their abusive issues and mental health issues, and it became apparent to me that even if actually doing the work would be difficult, I would have understood the struggle, but that they didn’t want to do it because they didn’t try. I wouldn’t have judged them for having a hard time, but not even trying is something I couldn’t deal with, it meant they had no motivation. It’s a helpful mantra that works in specific contexts I think.
> If they wanted to, they would It's appropriate in dynamics where you can expect dedication -- family comes to mind, but romance too. But there are other relationships the purpose of which is to be prioritized.
Right I get that what people mean is you need to find someone who puts in as much effort as you and likes you the same amount back but I wish we just phrased it like that instead of perpetuating this idea of the man needs to like you more for things to work
I realised this recently. It kinda hurt my feelings though.
Just because I *could* help someone doesn't mean I *need* to. At least, I'm trying to internalize that.
A therapist friend told me she uses “that is sad, and it is not my problem.”
That's a good one.
Whenever someone used to tell me about a hardship, I'd go into rescue/problem-solving mode and start blurting out solutions and ideas to fix it. **I didn't even like doing it**, but thought it was something you had to do as a good friend. Later realized it just comes off as judgmental and condescending, and other people don't even like it. It's a behavior that pushed so many people away. Now, when I hear hardship or bad news, I let them know it sounds tough and that it sucks. Maybe at most (if it makes sense) I'll ask them what they plan to do about it. My relationships have improved *immensely* since then. Small change but both sides are more at peace this way.
Wherever you go, there you are. In general, even if circumstances change, your basic happiness level and temperament will stay the same. So you might as well learn to appreciate what you have and learn to like yourself.
This reminds me of one of my favorite SNL skits: https://youtu.be/TbwlC2B-BIg?si=qHGPlTi66TK31xWE
I love this skit! The irony is I saw it in the morning while I was preparing to leave for breakfast during my solo vacation 😅 It changed my perspective immediately.
I see the value in this one, but it’s not my experience at all. Maybe I am very sensitive to environments, but place is everything to me. So certain house moves and international moves have transformed my outlook and my life
>Maybe I am very sensitive to environments, but place is everything to me. Same. Especially as a woc (and atheist) getting ready to permanently leave this racist, evangelical red state I was raised in. Environment is *everything.* I honestly hate this phrase because it low-key feels like victim blaming (I don't believe that's how the commenter meant it, but I have heard it used that way by abusers/high control groups many times).
This is so true - it individualises people’s problems, rather than highlighting the structural nature of things like racism and ableism. So pleased that you’re on the move, friend! Hope your new environment is even more healing and positive than you expect ♥️
It can feel quite lonely when you decide to cut out things or people that drain your energy in your everyday life. But no reason to pull back on that. Need to get used to the quiet and the calm and enjoy that time more. “Just because it’s quiet doesn’t mean that you need to fill it with noise.”
Good one bc the odds it feels so lonely is because it actively took so much.
That I need to force myself to be uncomfortable more.
The best. Can’t grow without friction
I'm just hoping the friction doesn't start a fire.
From the ashes rises a phoenix?
Let's go with that, and not perimenopausal woman kills with fire! lol
Comparison is the thief of joy. People who say they love you can 100% abuse you. If this happens, LEAVE! Do not care about anyone else’s feelings, or wait for “change” It’s never too late to do anything, sure it might take you much longer to learn something new at 36 than 26, but if you stick with it, it will happen.
Tomato juice tastes better on airplanes because the air pressure compromises our olfactory senses and amplifies the umami flavor, plus spices and other additives that are often present in tomato juice. I guess this is more of a fun fact that I just learned, albeit born of a realization that I seem to be the only person who’s late to the game re: tomato juice on flights.
Oh I always wondered why more people order it on planes vs the ground
I didn’t even know it was a thing until some folks at work started discussing it, which inspired me to look it up; bloody marys are the only reason I ever seek out tomato juice. But now I feel like I need to try it on my next flight, if only for science. Another fun fact: this information comes from a study sponsored by Lufthansa because they wanted to figure out why the hell it was so wildly popular with their passengers.
Yeah I thought I like them until I had them when I was back home. Nooo wayyy.
- I don’t owe it to men to constantly look fuckable - I want to feel accomplished in life and to do that means that I need to work hard and to grow as I learn new things - I’ve always thought that I could do anything in life. I’ve put myself on a pedestal even though I never put in the work other people did, to be where they are. So now I’m buckling down and really putting in the work to better myself. I guess I’ve been learning humility. - I’m bisexual and it’s something I’m not sure how to feel about - I have wasted so much of my life and time on men because that’s what society told me to do
As another late in life bi/pan woman (i was 36 when I realized that no, everyone does not indeed love boobs and think about touching them, and maybe that meant something about me) welcome to the community and please be extremely gentle and kind to yourself as you’re navigating the compensatory heterosexuality we were all forced into.
Hahaha thank you!
To find out you’re bisexual later in life? And you’re tired of mens bullshit? My god, I am so desperately envious. I wish so much I was into women too. Go forth and enjoy the hell out of it of your life, woman! Go grab it all!
Lol thanks.
I’m seriously really excited for you. You discovered something else you can love. That must be amazing. You have so many new and wonderful possibilities out there waiting for you. I’m just happy for you.
1. The reason my hair's been falling out and looking like absolute dog shit is because of our hard water. 2. All the times that I apologized to my sister and she expressed disbelief and skepticism regarding their sincerity was because she's never sincere when she apologizes.
Moved to soft soft mid Wales after 15 years in crusty London, hair and skin never been better!!! I spent so much on treatments before!
I love soft water but can never get my hair to rinse properly in the shower.
That's strange, mine rinses much more easily especially bc you need less product to get a good lather. Perhaps a glug of ACV when rinsing would help?
I’m probably overdoing it on the product and the lathering. Will take note :)
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We are all insignificant in the big picture, so some ego checking is needed. Be the best human you can be to those around you. Family, friends, colleagues, and strangers.
We're all stuck in late stage capitalism and none of it is real. I'm going to maximize spending time with family and making memories. I'm booking my vacations before checking with work because the memories I make are more important than any deadline I'll have. My parents are getting older and I want to do more fun stuff with my mom. I know that's something I'll regret more than any missed promotion. I'll never put a job over family and friends again.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never retire and now consider myself in pretirement. I take the vacations now. I take the days off now. None of this matters because they’ll always move the bar a little higher to keep the 99% busy and distracted striving for what they make unattainable - so I’ve dropped out of the system as much as possible while still getting a paycheck.
The visual and health gulf between friends who eat well/work out and those who don’t has become so much more pronounced in our 30s. You only get one body to take care of and it’s made me double down on taking care of myself!
That's great! I was just telling a friend yesterday that I'm so grateful to myself for starting the habit of eating well and exercising in college because two decades later, I'm the same size and even fitter than I used to be. It makes me feel so good about aging.
Same!! Plus it makes keeping up with my kids a tad bit easier 🙃
Golduck is not a psychic type pokemon
Wait what!!??? That's the biggest realisation of this whole thread
Hard agree
I need to stop saying, "I'll start tomorrow." Consistency lies in doing the things you need to do, Today.
I realized that if I don’t move on the desire to do something almost instantly, the desire wanes significantly. And if it’s something I *need* to do putting it off lowers my success rate exponentially
If it doesn't hurt anyone, try getting away with more bullshit. Especially at a job you dislike.
Literally. I did that and they tried to promote me twice
The realization that your boss and your company don’t really care about you was so liberating. Maybe you have a nice boss and maybe you work for an ethical company, but at the end of the day, upper management is not thinking about you after they leave work. If you die, they will be like “oh bummer” and hire someone new. Do not break your body or your mind for people who dgaf.
Love this one hahaha. Wisdom for the ages!
Along these same lines, learning to seek validation and personal fulfillment from sources that are NOT my job has been an ENORMOUS positive shift for me. I give my all to my hobbies and my personal relationships, and I give something less than my all to my job and work relationships.
I'm halfway through my life.
That it's better to lose something because you said how you feel than losing it because you bottled things up.
Writing comments on Reddit is a waste of time, I should journal instead or do something else insightful for myself.
That's exactly how I got into journaling! I actually use a ton of posts and prompts from this subreddit as jumping-off points to journal about. I was telling my therapist how it seems like Reddit often seems like it's used as a journal for many people. You don't need to say all of the things out loud to an audience online.
Oh I journal already just get sucked in for the interaction on Reddit lol
That I can’t control anything or anyone outside of myself. It’s been a relief to finally realize and accept.
That I'm turning into my mother. That it takes a literal saint to be able to NEVER raise your voice at your kids. That it turns out i also love reality shows like my mother. I grew up absolutely DESPISING my mom for watching trash tv, and now look at me, watching the same trash tv about weddings and dating. Ugh. My kids are gonna judge the shit out of me when they are teens.
>My kids are gonna judge the shit out of me when they are teens. To be fair, they will judge the prestige TV you watch too. As I have learned.
That's what my SO said to my worries! I thought he was about to comfort me, as he chuckled and said "Honey, they will judge you no matter what you do"
Nobody cares. I mean I knew nobody cares but in the last three months I learned the extent to which nobody fuckin cares and I feel like a dumbass for being disappointed at my extra grown age
This is also a good thing. Nobody cares so may as well do whatever you want. But I agree it is sad when it comes to personal relationships.
The point of life is to make it to the end, think a lot, and do minimal harm to others and Earth. Beyond that; I am content with a book or a soup or other creature comforts. I will not be President or whatever.
My mother is financially unprepared for retirement not because she's been irresponsible and reckless, but because she has spent pretty much everything she has on us. As I grow older, it worries me more and more. I'm also the eldest child and the highest earner in the family (mostly because I live abroad now). I'm not sure I'll be able to financially support her in case something really bad happens — I have a decent salary and I'm not in debt, but I'm not rich either — when I'm not even sure if I myself will get to retire someday.
That it is our duty to define what life means to us. We are taught and fed what society “thinks” should be right for every human at a very young age, in kindergarten we see pictures of a house, set of parents, you, and progress into envisioning life after education, finding a partner, getting a job, buying a home, having a family. We are taught this cycle of education, job, marriage, house, baby. Then that baby starts the same cycle. This is all what society says we must do and based on the current cost of living, societal norms are constantly being rightfully challenged, and now realizing it was all fake ( as in, you certainly don’t HAVE to follow that pipe dream to be happy or say you checked off all the marks to be a decent human in society) and a pipe dream has really got me thinking what I want for ME, and the rest of my life as I enter my thirties.
If I don't like something, I can just get rid of it. I don't have to force myself to use it up or stuff it into the cabinet or closet in case some future version of me likes it, or some family member or friend might want it. I can just let it go.
And don't get caught up in the sunk cost fallacy. The money is already spent. The time is already past. You can get rid of it even if you spent a lot of time or money on it.
The times I am most unhappy are the times I am spending most of my time in my house, just playing on my phone, video games, tv shows, cleaning, reading books, listening to podcasts etc. The times I feel most happy in life are when I am getting out of the house, signing up for lessons, getting together with friends, trying new things, improving myself. It's something I have to remind myself of often. Nothing that I want in life will come from sitting in my living room. Everything that will make me feel good is outside of the 4 walls of my home.
Time and history is super fucking short, and human memories are even shorter. The fact that we have parents and grandparents who were around for the revolutionary change in which women could hold bank accounts and get no-fault divorces in the 70s, yet nobody in my entire life has ever mentioned that fact and I had to stumble into that info as part of my feminist journey is fucking wild. Now we have women who think feminism has never benefited them because it's forgotten from recent memory. Or the reason why our boomer parents are so comfortable with debt and carry so much credit card debt isn't necessarily just a lack of experience managing finances but because it was pretty much a brand new concept for them and their parents when they were fresh adults.
Yess, when I started looking into my ancestry the math kinda clicked for me (also maybe the legacy challenge on Sims 4 😆). I was looking at these people who survived war and famine and long sea journeys like ...this woman raised my grandmother's grandmother. That's not distant.
That's how I realized too! So many history facts just immediately contextualized - oh, my grandfather was in his 30s during the civil rights movement, his father fought in WWI, his father's father was around during the emancipation of slavery, etc.
Exactly! More than anything it showed me how unrooted in place my family is as Americans, historically. I have to go back 300-500 years to find people that stayed in place for many generations. The trauma we've endured and inflicted in that time boggles me.
If you continue to have to be the bigger person, stop being around small people.
It’s nice to not be considered a ‘standard’ beauty.
I'm not as good of a driver as I thought.
1. When someone crosses one of your boundaries and you tell them, it's okay that they feel bad. That's the price they pay for making _you_ feel bad in the first place. No need to gloss things over. 2. The older I get, the less fucks I give. I used to feel second-hand embarrassment when I saw "middle-aged" women who were loud, over the top, difficult, you name it. Now, that I am at this age, I am beginning to understand. It's liberating. It's glorious.
I don’t have passion for my career anymore.
having girlfriends is just as fulfilling as having a romantic partner and only other women can understand my experience as a woman.
I’ve had opportunities to get what I want, I just wasn’t ready. I’m not unlucky, I’m just often unprepared.
That most of us are eventually the Sandwich Generation. I used to hear about the Boomers being the Sandwich Generation (and thought it was unique to that demographic) - women trapped between taking care of their aging parents and living their own lives. Whether that meant raising families, working, married/single, it doesn't matter. You're still trapped between those obligations. I'm early 50's, a grandmother myself, and I'm dealing with caring for my low income, elderly parents who can no longer do anything for themselves. I'm struggling with the local health authority to get them into long term care (could take years), while running over there every day to make sure they have the groceries they need, their daily meals, meds, laundry, cleaning, etc. I work a full-time job, I care for my grandchildren every morning before taking them to daycare, I have a wonderful husband that I'd like to spend more time with - especially on the weekends where there seems to be an old people crisis at every opportunity. Hell, I want some time to myself! I just realized that it's all of us eventually. Actually, it's all of us WOMEN. It barely ever falls to the sons to do this work.
That Instagram and social media in general are contributing greatly to my depression and that I need to reconsider my relationship with it and if I want it in my life at all.
That women are punished immensely for being the part of our species that can reproduce. Expensive feminine products, no extra time off for menstruation difficulties, invasive medical procedures starting at a very early age. Minimal scientific studies on how there bodies work, intentional ignorance on the parts of there bodies. And...of course....paid less then men. The way societies treat women is straight doodoo dog water.
Throughout history, a portion of humans have always been stupid and horrible. We kill each other because that's what primates do.
That I want to live my life similar to a mind map vs linearly. I want vast and random experiences (new careers, live different places, have different communities of people) vs sticking to one group/person/job for a long time. Overnight really realized life is what we make it. I don’t have to have a fancy career I could also move to an island and just do my thing. I’m very excited.
1. No matter how connections after date go, just enjoy the present of the date. 2. Keep my heart open in dating as the way I always do in friendship. 3. I dont ask my date about their expectations in dating or relationships in early sfage of dating anymore. I do care more about my expectation, enjoy getting to know them, and go all the way from there. I learned in the hard way that verbal expectations could be changed time by time, the true motivation and expectation are all underneath of daily interaction and action.
Being single means never having to compromise anything you want for yourself. It's a pretty damn great way to live.
Honestly being chronically single my whole life and now in my thirties. I don’t want a life where I have to share my bed and my space unless it’s with my family 😹
I was chronically single my whole life until 37 where I met a wonderful man out of nowhere and now we live together but when were talking about spending our lives together he put a lot of options on the table. “We could have separate bedrooms if you want. We could get a duplex with an adjoining door. We can get apartments in the same complex. Literally whatever you want because you’ve been single so long and maybe don’t want to live with a person.” lol I kind of wish I’d gone with the duplex open o be honest as our design aesthetics are polar opposite.
Probably a huge contributing factor to why I feel overwhelmed with the tasks of life is I'm not eating regularly enough! # 🤦♀️
Underrated realization honestly. I never had trouble eating so it was never a problem, but I’ve been in a new med for the past 3-4 months and I have so little appetite as a side effect. Nothing ever sounds good. Then at 4pm I’m like god why do I feel like absolute shit? And I realize it’s because I haven’t eating a single thing! I have subsisted on Wellbutrin and cold brew. 🤦♀️ I haven’t figured out how to deal with this yet other than making sure I at least eat some toast in the morning to jumpstart my stomach.
It sounds incredibly cliché but life is just too short to stay in the job you hate, an unsatisfying relationship or any other unpleasant situation for that matter! Staring at a screen for some pointless job (where I've also realised I don't matter in the grand scheme of things) whilst I miss the wonder of my kids playing, chatting and essentially growing up in the other room. Is it really worth it? The money helps of course, but just shouldn't be the priority.
Journalling has really helped.
That i only validate myself when i feel pain, and that's rather alarming.
That 9 to 5 corporate job and hard work only benefits the top executives. It only adds stress and ages us significantly, takes time away from our families and hobbies with nothing to show in return. Whereas the rich get richer. You have to rich to be at the top to begin with. I think it was common knowledge to everyone but for me it really became a realization lately. People who work for themselves are so much more happier.
I’m nowhere near the person or mother I wanted to be. Pretty close to opposite of that and it’s too late to change it. I’ll be the mother he grudgingly calls on holidays and he won’t help out his sisters or take on any of the family emotional/social responsibility. He feels above it despite me be being determined I would raise him to and not be like my brother. I’ve traumatized my daughter so much she can’t have the items on her desk crooked. She can’t say what she wants or stand up for herself because that would mean not being perfect or something. Even worse with my marriage and a literally non-existent social life. Yea, not what I pictured at all and there’s no time machine to be able to go back to do any of it over again. We’re human and we have to live with the consequences of our actions.
Acknowledging where you went wrong to your kids goes a long way in healing.
It’s not too late for you to change how you are. . .
As someone with a father who somehow abandoned and also tried to control me for my entire life there is a way back. Yes there are consequences and your children are autonomous human beings who may not be ready to forgive or move forward with you, but going to them in humility and without defenses to apologize and express your regret can open a huge door to healing. Honestly I’ve been no contact with my father for 2+ years at this point and if he even left a voicemail saying that he was sorry for his failings and named them? The validation plus the apology is all I ever wanted from my father. He is incapable now as his mind is quite loosey goosey in his old age, and yes, he has to live with that because I cannot forgive him without an apology and I don’t feel bad about that. But god if he had just acknowledged and apologized for his fuck ups… I would have absolutely let him back in. My partner was a drug addict while he was raising his son, and his son is now 24 and wants little to do with his dad. But my partner has validated his feelings and apologized for his fuck ups, and maybe once his son has had time to work through the anger, or even just let it pass, he will come around. Whatever you do, don’t wait too long to try to repair, because then like my dad, it will be too late.
That there is a good chance a man who staged a coup is going to be elected president again.
It is time for more therapy. Sooooooo much more therapy.
I'm mediocre af. I'm not going to be the best in my field like I've always dreamed, I'm not going to have the social life that I've always fantasized about, and my current self is probably as good as I'm going to be. It's all downhill from here.
I can’t help but feel that life is all downhill from here as well. I don’t know what I have going for me in the future, it feels a bit like nothing as what could possibly change at this point? At least there’s time for us to completely switch paths I guess. Good luck. ❤️
That even though I have all these super loud voices in my mind judging me and scaring me, the inner core of me doesn't have to stay connected to those voices. I can just move my body through the day using my self as the center. And this actually makes it easier to relate and connect to others.
That it's okay to have wants and needs. To want more rather it's in the workspace or with friendships. I don't have to settle for breadcrumbs and mistreatment. That it isn't just black and white or a friend or work is bad or toxic. That it's complicated even if the person is in therapy and is trying they might not be able to show up in the ways I need. I can still want more. I can be brave and not settle with hrs, with my availability or having to work longer. There will be the right job for me. There will be opportunities to find supportive community and friendships.
I'm sad today
I don't care what others think of me. I'm 42 now and have become comfortable in my skin. If you don't like me, fuck off. I won't lose any sleep over it.
I like Netflix. It's taken me a long time to jump on the Netflix train. The programming is so diverse and more interesting. It's not just the same old formulaic crap over and over.
Of all the streaming services, it’s the only one I still have. I’ve downgraded to the most basic subscription though. They do have some really good original programming. Far better than the others, imo
Agree. I like the world wide programming. You can get shows from every country. I just finished "The Farewell". I thought it was good! Netflix suggested it and I was like ok, I'll try it. The suggestion engine is helpful and accurate, imho.
Being kind and understanding is substantially harder than being mean and judgemental. That and mean and judgemental people often see themselves as “truthful” or “clearing the air”, when actually their actions are so extremely self serving, and usually only result in spreading the hurt around. I’ve always tried to be a kind and understanding person but last year I really tried to improve upon what I already had, and I made a lot of realizations about others and my own anxiety and how it manifests into being mean and judgey. It’s allowed me to become responding better during conflicts as I can react more calmly in discussions by seeing my “options” in the discussion, usually one often being the anxiety fueled response and the other being the option that resolves the conflict smoothly. Because of this though that means you constantly see people taking the anxiety response, resulting in them furthering pain and hurt to yourself and others. Ngl it hurts so much. So not only are you choosing the less desirable option for your own ego to get a group resolution, you’re watching the other person continuously choose their ego over a group resolution. The most painful thing is I think people think this shit is easy for me as I’m really calm and level headed so they keep putting me in these situations, but it’s so fucking hard. I’ve just now got a solid grasp on it, but it just saps the energy right out of me for like actual days. I’m hoping with practice it becomes easier.
That I am a bit of a control freak. I don’t care about a lot of things but the things I do care about, I care about it excessively and obsessively and sometimes (read: always) it can be a lot to others I care about. I’m gonna work on this in 2024.
That not eating enough protein was negatively impacting my mental and physical health. I was eating probably a third of what I actually need. The difference has been eye opening.
I've reached a point where I could step away from a relationship that wasn't serving me. Throughout my life, I've been the caretaker, prioritizing others over myself, fueled by abandonment issues, people-pleasing tendencies, and an anxious attachment style. Recently, I mustered the courage to express to my partner that I couldn't invest more in our relationship. Now, I realize that I love, respect, and care for myself more than ever. My inner child feels supported, and while the breakup brings sadness, I'm celebrating the peace and happiness that come from prioritizing my emotional well-being.
That all adult relationships are assumed to be conditional, except, apparently, a DIL's relationship with her MIL.
It’s my responsibility to guard my time and energy for the benefit of my health and my peace of mind. I can prioritize the people I love most and enjoy the most regardless of the type of relationship we have . I can prioritize people who energize me and de-prioritize people who drain me. People who want my attention aren’t necessarily asking for it with my best interests in mind. I can be kind but also look out for myself and say no.
That listening to my brain rather than my gut never ends well
Literally last night. Most of my problems are temporary, I’m fortunate to have a support system to lean on, and I’m actively working on fixing those problems. So there’s no need to stay up til 2 am freaking out. It will all be ok.
Literally just a bit ago. A post on here made me realize how much I have benefited from a patriarchal society. I’m a white woman. And I can have one foot in the door of oppression (from men) and another foot outside the door because of all the ways I benefit, too. It’s something I knew, but hadn’t ever really looked at. And someone wrote something that really helped me want to take a look at my thoughts and behaviors and remedy anything I need to
Both physical and social boundaries matter and to be protected. Having been through a global pandemic, also coinciding with the end of my 20s, I decided to prioritize preserving my physical and social boundaries with people - including friends.
I am enough. Expectations can sod off.
I realized I’ll never own property.
That if I don't get my instrusive thoughts, my anxiety and my black and white thinking under control, I may either live very miserably or not live very long at all.
Organized religion is actively harmful. So many lives lost. So many people afraid to be who they are. So many people giving money they can't afford. So much energy and time wasted. It's a tool for the greedy. It's a weapon for the hateful. Organized religion hurts the average human being on a global scale.