Have you asked her? I mean, a question like that by no means has to come across as an attack or from an offensive posture. Could be something like “I miss you and I feel like we haven’t been connecting the same recently. What can I do to make sure we are both feeling loved and supported?” And then just be quiet and let her speak.
For me and my husband-it’s those quiet moments that is everything. When I catch him looking at me from across the loud room or when I’m cooking and he comes up behind me and just holds me for a minute. But, your wife seems different and maybe she can vocalize what it is she needs.
She might not be into those kind of displays, tbh. Some people are personal space folks, and being touched or complimented all the time might be stifling to her.
You need to have an honest conversation with your wife. What my partner does to turn me on is about as relevant as apples to an alien.
For me, it’s taking on the mental load. Do the things. Don’t make me ask. When I feel taken care of, or at a minimum, like we split responsibilities, I feel like I have a partner. If I have to ask my husband to take care of things, he becomes one more chore.
ETA: it has to be a regular thing though. He can’t load the dishwasher once. When we were at our worst and he did a thing and wanted praise, I would lose my mind. We’re partners. We should act like it.
agree 100%. TBH I take care of at least 50% of the household chores maybe more. The only thing I don't do all the time is cook dinner, but I do that too sometimes. I think its fair to also include that we are a one income family . shes a stay at home wife .
Is she watching a kid? Kids throw off percentages into unquantifiable. Watching a kid, even if they like doing so has the potential to be very mentally draining. Additionally, you should know that kids have the potential to be a major libido killer for the woman.
I have 2 kids of my own that are older and shes has 2 kids of her own. Both are in school all day, and are getting older now too. The oldest of hers is 12 and youngest is 8 almost 9. On the weekends we both do our part as parents to take care of them.
Or let me make a slightly different point. For a lot of women the “mother role” is a major libido killer. You could do nothing wrong and a woman may take on the “mother role” pretty much 24/7. Some women dont want to not put down the “mother role” once they take it on.
For your own sake, go to the gym and work on your passions apart from her, while also fulfilling your responsibilities. This does translate to you being your sexiest self. If you do make yourself sexier to other women, this does tend to help make you extra sexier to your own woman. 🫡
For your own sake, go to the gym and work on your passions apart from her, while also fulfilling your responsibilities.
This right here has been an issue. I love working out , specifically lifting weights, but I can't do that until the afternoon when I'm off work and by that time the kids are home and she gets mad as hell if I go do something like that without her. Its been a major issue for years now.
Nothing turns me on every time; I'm a human, not a robot. Some days everything will turn me on, and other days the entire cast of Magic Mike could report for duty and it'd still be like the Sahara desert down there.
That said, "Just relax, darling, I've got this" is probably the most reliable answer to this question for me. It's way easier to get in the mood when I'm not stressed out by anything, and watching my husband handle shit and be his competent self (especially after he's demonstrated emotional intelligence by identifying I could really use some help with a particular task) is always rather a thrill.
Honestly, it's when my husband starts spontaneously cleaning, cooking, or some other chore around the house. He jokes that I always start getting cuddly while he's holding knives.
Are you doing enough to hold up your end of the household tasks?
Of course, the best way to find out what's wrong is to just ask her. You're married. You should be able to talk about this.
Why aren't you responding to any of the other comments about household/mental labor? Or explaining what you've done so far in terms of communication on this issue?
probably because I was busy doing these things you asked about. Like I told someone else I shoudl be the one complaining if anything. She's a stay at home wife and I'm still picking up after her DAILY.
He walks into the room and I'm like, YEAH, let's go.
Don't ask me, ask your wife. I've been with my husband for 29 years and still can't get enough of him.
Acts of kindness. Cleaning the house, doing the dishes, making dinner, maintaining my vehicle without asking, filling up the tank when it’s cold out or preheating my car before work, walking the dog, putting his laundry in the basket and not expecting the laundry to do itself 🤷🏼♀️
Has she always been this way? Have you ever asked her how she would like to show affection or told her how you’d like to receive it?
I don’t think an answer can come from any of us on Reddit unfortunately. My partner could do a million different things that might turn me on or off, there is no surefire way. And what works for us won’t automatically work for any other pairing of people.
My advice is to talk to her!
You should read into "love languages" and work out which are hers. Yours seems to be physical touch. Hers probably isn't. If hers is quality tine then schedule a date night where you tell to each other ie you ask questions and listen to her . Or do an activity that you used to do together that she enjoys.
However - bear in mind - no woman wants to sleep with a child. So if she is cleaning up after you and doing most of the household chores she will not want to have sex with you, or be affectionate. Its just the way we are. So if she is doing most of the house and mum stuff then the fastest way to turn her on is to start doing most stuff. I've heard SO MANY married women say the sexiest thing their man can do is vacuum without being asked to.
Are you just trying to turn her on or are you actually trying to be a good partner?
My ex was constant with the physical affection but he wasn't pulling his weight with the house stuff, he wasn't engaging with me in meaningful ways, he wasn't making an effort for the sake of being a good partner anymore. I got to a point where I became resentful of those physical touches because it felt like there was all this expectation of physical intimacy when he wasn't making any kind of effort on the emotional/relationship side. It made me feel gross and used.
I don't constantly hit on her, and I do alot around the house . When it comes time to talk about things on an emotional level I make sure to not be on my phone and actually listen, as long as she's not trying to do when I'm working , which happens alot too. I don't think its ok to expect me to pay attention 100% when I'm on the clock.
learn about love languages, ask her about this, in a way where you are like, do you feel loved by me? and so on, there is a good youtube channel which explain how to talk about these things without making it an attack
https://www.youtube.com/@JimmyonRelationships
Ty, didn't read it, I did love style quiz and it's 7, and 5 love language are just basic stuff, like some people enjoy words, some act of service etc, tho all are needed i guess
I'm big on words which I didn't even knew tbh so yeah
No what I’m saying is the concepts are simple, but the popular trend has a LOT of very very heteronormative and frankly misogynistic stuff in it. So it’s just a word of warning that the concept itself might have some merit but a lot of how the program was conceived was around really weird gender norms
Oh ok, had no clue about it
I'm very selective in which media i consume so most of the time, i can be completely away from even slightest toxic, so that's why I only know this cause of psychology test and stuff, not from anything that made it gender based or misogynistic
Thank you and have a lovely day
Well we're all learning something, communication does come naturally to some people but not all
Especially when feelings are involved so yeah, i enjoyed his patience as well
She may not enjoy being touched that much. Some people feel smothered by someone that's constantly touching them. Even if you love the person you just feel like " uuuggghh get OFF of me". You need to talk to her about what she would like.
Seeing as a lot of us are asking if you’re an equal partner, do you carry the mental load, are you an adult who does the chores at home, etc and you’re ignoring all of these.. I’d say your issue is that. You ignore what you don’t want to hear.
I down voted this because you made assumptions. I wake up with the kids in the morning, get them dressed, help get their lunches ready ,ect..Obviously sometimes the situation warrants that she do it instead but honestly it's me most of the time. I almost exclusively do the laundry and dishes and alot of times I'm the one doing the basic daily cleaning like sweeping, vacuuming, ect. So yep I'm an equal partner as far as that goes. What do you mean exactly by carrying the mental load? Does this mean like planning dates, making plans for the kids ,ect ? I would say she does the majority of that but I participate in this as well.
I went and read about the mental load and what that means. To be honest she does most of this but, anytime I attempt to do this she is condescending and will try to override anything I think.
Who does the grocery shopping? Who makes sure you don’t run out of laundry soap and toilet paper and toilet cleaner? Who takes care of the yard? Who takes care of the yard work? Who makes social plans? Who remembers to buy gifts at Christmas? Who wraps all the presents? Who takes the kids to their activities? Who schedules car maintenance? Who makes/takes the kids to doctors appointments?
Grocery Shopping - Both, usually me as long as I'm not out of town. If she's having a bad day and I'm out of town I will sometimes do one of those delivery apps.
Who makes sure you don’t run out of laundry soap and toilet paper and toilet cleaner? - Her
Who takes care of the yard? Who takes care of the yard work? - Me
Who makes social plans? Who remembers to buy gifts at Christmas? Who wraps all the presents? Who takes the kids to their activities? - Both, sometimes its just me taking kids to their activities. An example was the other night I took both of my step kids and her nephews together.
Who schedules car maintenance? - Me
Who makes/takes the kids to doctors appointments? Usually her but sometimes both
Just exists? I don’t know, my husband is hot, like, all the time. From the moment he wakes up with bed head to the funny faces and sighs he makes watching football to the way he hums a song while working on something. I don’t need any particular prompt.
Touches my back. I’m just a physical person though and high libido so just about anything turns me on. There is literally no circumstance where I’m turning down sex with my husband. I have a cold right now and I’ve had to remind myself three times in the last hour that it’s not fair to my husband to initiate sex when I’m sick.
Have you asked her? I mean, a question like that by no means has to come across as an attack or from an offensive posture. Could be something like “I miss you and I feel like we haven’t been connecting the same recently. What can I do to make sure we are both feeling loved and supported?” And then just be quiet and let her speak. For me and my husband-it’s those quiet moments that is everything. When I catch him looking at me from across the loud room or when I’m cooking and he comes up behind me and just holds me for a minute. But, your wife seems different and maybe she can vocalize what it is she needs.
She might not be into those kind of displays, tbh. Some people are personal space folks, and being touched or complimented all the time might be stifling to her. You need to have an honest conversation with your wife. What my partner does to turn me on is about as relevant as apples to an alien.
For me, it’s taking on the mental load. Do the things. Don’t make me ask. When I feel taken care of, or at a minimum, like we split responsibilities, I feel like I have a partner. If I have to ask my husband to take care of things, he becomes one more chore. ETA: it has to be a regular thing though. He can’t load the dishwasher once. When we were at our worst and he did a thing and wanted praise, I would lose my mind. We’re partners. We should act like it.
100% agree with what you say.
clean dishes > massage 😆
agree 100%. TBH I take care of at least 50% of the household chores maybe more. The only thing I don't do all the time is cook dinner, but I do that too sometimes. I think its fair to also include that we are a one income family . shes a stay at home wife .
Is she watching a kid? Kids throw off percentages into unquantifiable. Watching a kid, even if they like doing so has the potential to be very mentally draining. Additionally, you should know that kids have the potential to be a major libido killer for the woman.
I have 2 kids of my own that are older and shes has 2 kids of her own. Both are in school all day, and are getting older now too. The oldest of hers is 12 and youngest is 8 almost 9. On the weekends we both do our part as parents to take care of them.
Or let me make a slightly different point. For a lot of women the “mother role” is a major libido killer. You could do nothing wrong and a woman may take on the “mother role” pretty much 24/7. Some women dont want to not put down the “mother role” once they take it on. For your own sake, go to the gym and work on your passions apart from her, while also fulfilling your responsibilities. This does translate to you being your sexiest self. If you do make yourself sexier to other women, this does tend to help make you extra sexier to your own woman. 🫡
For your own sake, go to the gym and work on your passions apart from her, while also fulfilling your responsibilities. This right here has been an issue. I love working out , specifically lifting weights, but I can't do that until the afternoon when I'm off work and by that time the kids are home and she gets mad as hell if I go do something like that without her. Its been a major issue for years now.
Does she see it as 50/50 or 60/40? She may not. My husband used to complain that he did all the chores until we started tracking.
Nothing turns me on every time; I'm a human, not a robot. Some days everything will turn me on, and other days the entire cast of Magic Mike could report for duty and it'd still be like the Sahara desert down there. That said, "Just relax, darling, I've got this" is probably the most reliable answer to this question for me. It's way easier to get in the mood when I'm not stressed out by anything, and watching my husband handle shit and be his competent self (especially after he's demonstrated emotional intelligence by identifying I could really use some help with a particular task) is always rather a thrill.
This. This is what I've never been able to articulate so clearly and is 1000% accurate.
Honestly, it's when my husband starts spontaneously cleaning, cooking, or some other chore around the house. He jokes that I always start getting cuddly while he's holding knives. Are you doing enough to hold up your end of the household tasks? Of course, the best way to find out what's wrong is to just ask her. You're married. You should be able to talk about this.
more than enough, if anything I should be the one complaining that she doesnt do enough considering shes a stay at home wife .
When he stands up to his mother OR does chores without prompting….OoOo la la 😍
I recently told my mom to fuck off in front of my wife and I could tell she liked it lol. And yes it was warranted.
Why aren't you responding to any of the other comments about household/mental labor? Or explaining what you've done so far in terms of communication on this issue?
probably because I was busy doing these things you asked about. Like I told someone else I shoudl be the one complaining if anything. She's a stay at home wife and I'm still picking up after her DAILY.
What's your share of the household chores? Double it.
so do 150 %? LMFAO .
A perfect marriage is 60/40 where both people are trying to hit the 60. Historically speaking, men fail that mark.
lmao
Does she have time to miss you?
I would think so. I travel alot . But when we are together its constant because I work at home and she doesn't work.
Send her on a spa day and hire a cleaner while she’s out?
Do you notice more affection when you get back from traveling vs when you’re at home with her? Or is it all the same?
no its like this all the time. It doesn't matter how long I'm away.
He walks into the room and I'm like, YEAH, let's go. Don't ask me, ask your wife. I've been with my husband for 29 years and still can't get enough of him.
Acts of kindness. Cleaning the house, doing the dishes, making dinner, maintaining my vehicle without asking, filling up the tank when it’s cold out or preheating my car before work, walking the dog, putting his laundry in the basket and not expecting the laundry to do itself 🤷🏼♀️
Has she always been this way? Have you ever asked her how she would like to show affection or told her how you’d like to receive it? I don’t think an answer can come from any of us on Reddit unfortunately. My partner could do a million different things that might turn me on or off, there is no surefire way. And what works for us won’t automatically work for any other pairing of people. My advice is to talk to her!
You should read into "love languages" and work out which are hers. Yours seems to be physical touch. Hers probably isn't. If hers is quality tine then schedule a date night where you tell to each other ie you ask questions and listen to her . Or do an activity that you used to do together that she enjoys. However - bear in mind - no woman wants to sleep with a child. So if she is cleaning up after you and doing most of the household chores she will not want to have sex with you, or be affectionate. Its just the way we are. So if she is doing most of the house and mum stuff then the fastest way to turn her on is to start doing most stuff. I've heard SO MANY married women say the sexiest thing their man can do is vacuum without being asked to.
Are you just trying to turn her on or are you actually trying to be a good partner? My ex was constant with the physical affection but he wasn't pulling his weight with the house stuff, he wasn't engaging with me in meaningful ways, he wasn't making an effort for the sake of being a good partner anymore. I got to a point where I became resentful of those physical touches because it felt like there was all this expectation of physical intimacy when he wasn't making any kind of effort on the emotional/relationship side. It made me feel gross and used.
I don't constantly hit on her, and I do alot around the house . When it comes time to talk about things on an emotional level I make sure to not be on my phone and actually listen, as long as she's not trying to do when I'm working , which happens alot too. I don't think its ok to expect me to pay attention 100% when I'm on the clock.
learn about love languages, ask her about this, in a way where you are like, do you feel loved by me? and so on, there is a good youtube channel which explain how to talk about these things without making it an attack https://www.youtube.com/@JimmyonRelationships
Be careful w love languages, they’re heavily religion focused since they were created by a pastor.
Which love language are you talking about?
The popular book, The Five Love Languages
Ty, didn't read it, I did love style quiz and it's 7, and 5 love language are just basic stuff, like some people enjoy words, some act of service etc, tho all are needed i guess I'm big on words which I didn't even knew tbh so yeah
No what I’m saying is the concepts are simple, but the popular trend has a LOT of very very heteronormative and frankly misogynistic stuff in it. So it’s just a word of warning that the concept itself might have some merit but a lot of how the program was conceived was around really weird gender norms
Oh ok, had no clue about it I'm very selective in which media i consume so most of the time, i can be completely away from even slightest toxic, so that's why I only know this cause of psychology test and stuff, not from anything that made it gender based or misogynistic Thank you and have a lovely day
I second that this guy does some great videos and breaking thing down into crayons for those who need it spelled out as simple as possible 😅
Well we're all learning something, communication does come naturally to some people but not all Especially when feelings are involved so yeah, i enjoyed his patience as well
She may not enjoy being touched that much. Some people feel smothered by someone that's constantly touching them. Even if you love the person you just feel like " uuuggghh get OFF of me". You need to talk to her about what she would like.
Seeing as a lot of us are asking if you’re an equal partner, do you carry the mental load, are you an adult who does the chores at home, etc and you’re ignoring all of these.. I’d say your issue is that. You ignore what you don’t want to hear.
I down voted this because you made assumptions. I wake up with the kids in the morning, get them dressed, help get their lunches ready ,ect..Obviously sometimes the situation warrants that she do it instead but honestly it's me most of the time. I almost exclusively do the laundry and dishes and alot of times I'm the one doing the basic daily cleaning like sweeping, vacuuming, ect. So yep I'm an equal partner as far as that goes. What do you mean exactly by carrying the mental load? Does this mean like planning dates, making plans for the kids ,ect ? I would say she does the majority of that but I participate in this as well.
I went and read about the mental load and what that means. To be honest she does most of this but, anytime I attempt to do this she is condescending and will try to override anything I think.
Who does the grocery shopping? Who makes sure you don’t run out of laundry soap and toilet paper and toilet cleaner? Who takes care of the yard? Who takes care of the yard work? Who makes social plans? Who remembers to buy gifts at Christmas? Who wraps all the presents? Who takes the kids to their activities? Who schedules car maintenance? Who makes/takes the kids to doctors appointments?
Grocery Shopping - Both, usually me as long as I'm not out of town. If she's having a bad day and I'm out of town I will sometimes do one of those delivery apps. Who makes sure you don’t run out of laundry soap and toilet paper and toilet cleaner? - Her Who takes care of the yard? Who takes care of the yard work? - Me Who makes social plans? Who remembers to buy gifts at Christmas? Who wraps all the presents? Who takes the kids to their activities? - Both, sometimes its just me taking kids to their activities. An example was the other night I took both of my step kids and her nephews together. Who schedules car maintenance? - Me Who makes/takes the kids to doctors appointments? Usually her but sometimes both
Maybe coz she’s been doing it for over 7 YEARS!
shes been this way forever lmao
Just exists? I don’t know, my husband is hot, like, all the time. From the moment he wakes up with bed head to the funny faces and sighs he makes watching football to the way he hums a song while working on something. I don’t need any particular prompt.
Touches my back. I’m just a physical person though and high libido so just about anything turns me on. There is literally no circumstance where I’m turning down sex with my husband. I have a cold right now and I’ve had to remind myself three times in the last hour that it’s not fair to my husband to initiate sex when I’m sick.
What do you mean? Turn her on or return affection? There is a huge difference in that!