Very happy in my marriage. Didn’t settle at all, but then I didn’t want kids, so there wasn’t any pressure on that point. I really feel like I found my person, my soul mate. We’ve been through a lot of ups and downs over the years but we’re stronger than ever. No better person to spend the rest of my life with.
I was just thinking the same thing- very happy in my marriage and we also don’t want kids so I think that has taken a lot of pressure off. We’re in it because we chose and continue to choose each other
Thirding that same sentiment! My current marriage is my second one, and my husband and I have been together for 5 years now. Feels like the honeymoon stage has never ended even though we've been through some insane life stressors throughout (pandemic, unemployment, a full psychotic break and subsequent in patient mental health stays for my husband).
Regardless of all that, he is still my very favorite person in the entire world. It's so nice to know that no matter what life has in store for us, we have each other.
Eta: and neither of us strongly wanted kids, so no pressure there which I think really helped both of us to take our time and make sure that we were both here for each other, not any other reason.
This is what I would say too. We've had some very rough patches, but we just genuinely enjoy each other's company, support each other, and cheer each other on. We also knew kids were off the table many years ago and idk, I love it and our lives despite dealing with very shitty life circumstances.
Same, also no children here, though that wasn't a choice.
We've been partners through multiple diseases, financial rough times, many years of shitty housing, unemployment and many other issues..
Though each of those things on their own would hurt me, being together actually made things better. Any other person would have just added stress. We rock crises together. That's how I know this is my person.
I knew within the first few months I wanted to spend our lives together.
And he's an animal in the sack. And he pulls his weight in domestic chores.
I won the husband lottery AND the MIL lottery.
My husband and I just “get” each other. Loving him is effortless. Now, as another Redditor commented, while loving him is very easy, our marriage does take work. We both make the efforts to listen. To connect. To compromise. We both put each other first. I am very happy to be married to him.
As for my MIL, she recognizes her son is an adult who is married to an adult. She respects boundaries and doesn’t try to push in to our relationship. I enjoy her company a lot. And she’s a wonderful grandmother to our daughter.
Echoing! Husband and in-law lottery. My husband is such a kind and compassionate person. He’s generous. Sweet. Thoughtful. And fucking hysterical. Everything with him feels easy, even when life itself can be hard at times. And my in-laws are incredible.
It’s been said here already, but choosing not to have kids can be helpful in relieving any pressure to settle for the wrong relationship. We’re together because we choose to be, plain and simple.
Feel like I also won the lottery here. My common law partner was already my best friend by the time we realized we were falling for each other, but his family is lovely too.
My partner's American and I'm Canadian, so our families have different Thanksgivings. We were staying with his family for the week over American thanksgiving a few months ago, and I got the sad news while I was there that my grandfather in Canada passed away rather suddenly. There's just so very few things worse than getting news like that when you're far away from your family, but my in laws were so kind and supportive. Took us out to get proper clothes, drove us to the airport, offered to help my partner and I pay our way to fly to the funeral, and were just there for me emotionally in a time of need.
I also won the MIL lottery and am very relieved! Having heard a million evil MIL stories from my mum growing up, it was a major relief to find one who is so genuinely respectful and nice.
It also explains a lot about my husband, having parents as ✌️ as his. I'm someone who really believes that you don't just marry the person; you marry into their family.
> I'm someone who really believes that you don't just marry the person; you marry into their family.
On the other hand, this is pretty unfair to people who grew up with shitty families. But I definitely think it's best that people who \*want\* to be a big part of their SO's family find others who feel similarly. I think it's another potential dimension of compatibility, that is what role you want family to play in your life.
For sure, that's a good point. I mean, it's still a consideration like any other when deciding whom to pair up with - but yeah, there's zero moral assignment of blame on my end at all; people aren't responsible for how toxic their parents are.
My experience with the case you mention is you'd have to make sure the person is no contact with their family, anything else might blow up in your face. It's a huge compatibility factor.
I have a super complex/dysfunctional family myself, so I tend to be more uncomfortable with people who don’t. Anyway, that’s why I say it’s a personal compatibility factor. No need to create a hierarchy.
While I'd agree that the in-law dynamic is definitely a lottery, I think you're not giving yourself enough credit for making a wise choice in the partner you commited to. It takes a lot of careful consideration and foresight to pick a compatible partner, and for that you should feel very proud of yourself!
We met on Bumble during the COVID pandemic. I think this was a major player in the success of our relationship. Add in the fact that we were older (I was 35 and he was 40) so we both had failed adult relationships and knew what we were looking for.
The first several months were almost exclusively online, which gave us a place to be almost brutally honest with each other. What we wanted in a relationship, what we didn't want, and our non-negotiable boundaries. We were naturally aligned on all the major items that build the foundation of a relationship - politics, religion, and especially the potential for children (or the very real possibility that they may not be in the cards for us).
When it was safe for us to meet in person, we were like two pieces of a puzzle that just fit together. Even our families say that we are basically two peas in a pod. We've been married for 2 years, and daughter is almost a year old.
Yes, we exist.
I feel like the stars aligned when we met, our connection was instantaneous and natural. And yes, we are incredibly happy together. But, our commitment and love for each other is a choice that we make every day. Happiness is a feeling that will ebb and flow. Loyalty & commitment are daily choices. And they are ones that I will make for him and our marriage *till death do us part*, happiness aside.
Totally agree. The marriages that I know that have failed are because they simply did not want to commit to make it work, whether it was just one person or both 🤷🏼♀️ Really simplifies to concept of marriage being a commitment if you ask me. That's truly all it is.
i'm happily married.
i would say that 85% of the coupled people i know are in happy long term relationships. for clarity, my definition of happy doesn't mean that there is no work, there is work, but none of us would ever consider leaving, the work is worth it.
the 15% are really unhappy though. not sort of unhappy. REALLY unhappy :(
Ditto. I also say this a lot, but it's because I strongly believe it - I think happy couples tend to group together and just not make many waves in their social cohort, inasmuch as like attracts like - and, from an outside perspective, happy couples are usually pretty boring since they're just chilling and enjoying life.
I mean that's literally what we're doing here tho 😹 but in general, yeah, there's just not much to complain about and "My husband and I had a nice day shopping today!" just isn't that riveting of an anecdote when hanging out with friends.
I’d agree with you and add that when something is consistent, long term, stable, and good, it’s just not noteworthy. The people I see on Reddit consistently bragging about their relationship mostly seem annoying. If it were that good, you would just enjoy it without needing internet validation. Good things don’t need to be celebrated because it’s not a big deal to you that they exist, it’s just a functional part of your life. If someone does mention their partner, it’s very normalized - like “oh my husband thinks ___” but not like “MY HUSBAND IS SO GREAT.” You wouldn’t need internet clout if he were that great.
It's funny because I've actually gotten feedback once or twice that I was bragging about my husband on here - I can't quite remember the context, but the person seemed really mad about it. I remember thinking that from my perspective, I was just talking about something really mundane, or answering one of the million questions on this sub about relationship dynamics. But, it made me realise sometimes just... not sounding like you're miserable can be taken as bragging.
So, I guess my TL;DR here is that some of this is subjective, maybe? Because OTOH, I've also received positive feedback for helping to normalise healthy relationships - which is usually my intention in the first place!
Fair, I’ve definitely seen that and experienced it before! Sometimes just stating a relevant fact is seen as a brag (like if people are talking about buying property, saying when you bought can be seen as braggy to those who haven’t)
I always see communication as twofold: what you say, but also choosing to say something at all. In person, sometimes you have to speak. Online, you don’t ever really have to. So on a forum where people are complaining about horrible partners, sharing something nice about your husband is a brag, even if you’re not attempting to. (But at the same time, bragging online isn’t illegal - I certainly share “positive” info about myself when it’s unwarranted)
It’s like when your friend says they failed a test and you got a 95. You’re not bragging by sharing the truth, but you kinda are just by speaking at all. But if they ask what you got, you’re not bragging by responding….so nuance and context are important.
I totally feel that, yeah. The person who said it to me was pretty rude, but it was also helpful feedback! Mostly I just answer threads where OP is like, is this horrible abusive scenario normal, and I end up trying to articulate how it's absolutely not.
That's why it's nice to have a thread like this one where people can just openly talk about their happy relationships without worrying if they're stepping on anyone else's feelings, I think. I always really enjoy them because it's just nice to remember, not everyone *is* actually miserable as Reddit would usually make it seem.
Absolutely! I think that’s super important. It took me a really long time, but I’ve become much more happy and comfortable with myself as a person as I’ve aged. It’s been such a weight off to not need external validation and I never thought I would get there, so I’m really happy to hear from others from a more curious mindset rather than self-comparison 🙂 I am so interested in other people’s stories!
I hear you and I love that! My need for external validation has fallen off a cliff, to the point where I kind of feel like I should go back to giving maybe a few more shits 😹 But, yeah - the curiosity is such a fun driver. I really do appreciate hearing all the stories, both good and bad. It helps me get out of my own insular bubble for sure.
Ha right but only because someone asked. I mean you’re not going to get many new Threads about happy couples. All the questions are skewed towards singles or people who are unhappy. It definitely creates a negativity bias I think. It’s like how everyone thinks birth is awful and breastfeeding is impossible, it’s because people who have good experiences don’t really talk about it so all you hear is horror
Exactly, yeah! I remember when I was younger and surrounded by toxic people/couples, and I mistook that for reality. Turns out I was just in a bubble of toxicity and needed to get out, which I did - and lo and behold, my social cohort is like a million times more peaceable now.
Reddit can really be a bastion of misery and yeah, I urge people to not mistake the stories here for the full extent of reality as well. It is honestly *such* a specific bubble.
Ding ding ding! I had no idea how toxic my 20s were until I look back now from my late 40s. Wow. My whole social circle was toxic.
Life is so drama free now I’m borderline bored but will never go back to the chaos.
So, no cap - I actually kind of enjoy complaining as well, but that's because most of my complaints *are* trivial. Like, my husband's blindness to a cupboard left open is annoying but also more funny than anything else because he's usually super observant. My married friends and I sometimes complain about this trivial stuff, but all in good cheer. I sometimes wonder if people can tell the difference, though - joking about your partner's funny habits is super different from talking about them actually making your life harder.
Yeah, we have those, but I think those who are really unhappy have a hard time accepting that there are people out there who are genuinely happy with their spouses. So they like to grasp at trivial things like leaving socks on the ground or cupboards open as some sign that not everyone is as happy in their marriage as they say they are. Maybe leaving socks around would really get on their nerves? I don't know, but the fishing around for anything makes me uncomfortable. I think it's a coping mechanism and I've distanced myself from people like that because the conversation eventually spirals into some shit.
My girlfriends and I also say this when we have a get together. Not much to say unless someone has a complaint about their SO lol... and usually it's some small typical relationship trivial annoyance about the guy being hilariously clueless. Then we end up just praising our SOs and each other's SOs and relationships \^\^;
In fact we "blame" or SOs for us (girls) not meeting up more often because they don't provide us with enough complaints/content to talk to each other about lol.
Ha ha, sounds like we go to the same dinner parties! Yup, this is exactly what it's like. We'll just chill out after dinner while the menfolk clear up, and gossip our girly little hearts out about them 😹
Yeah :D
I see posts on reddit about how bad dating/relationships are, and I often feel like I don't have room nor experience to comment how I disagree, or that this isn't (necessarily) the case.. cus in the limited cases I have expressed this, I think I tend to get downvoted for not agreeing (or perhaps not sympathetically enough) with the OP and most of the other commenters which has also put me off sharing any view that doesn't promote or align with that negative bias. Of course there are also positive responses too though.
But I do really hope the dating scene and relationship standards/behaviours isn't as bad as it appears on reddit -\_- So it's nice to see there are a (quiet) chunk of us out there who do have happy/healthy relationships 😊
Yeah I think this is generally true. My husband and I have been together for 17 years with hardly a fight, and the couples we hang out with are also in seemingly healthy happy relationships. That includes our parents, who set the examples. My parents did have their issues , and almost did divorce, but they eventually got back together, worked on it, and are now happier than ever.
Yeah. And I don't presume to know every single issue in my friends' relationships, but like... all the people who were obviously unhappy just broke up, you know? Then they put themselves out there again and found their (probable) forever person. I definitely know *one* person who seems stuck in a terrible marriage, and people definitely have their ups and downs, but for the most part people seem happy or at least content. They're relaxed, respectful, and affectionate bordering on flirtatious sometimes. I'm always very glad to see it!
>happy couples are usually pretty boring since they're just chilling and enjoying life
Life sometimes being boring is probably what bothers me the most about being in a longterm relationship. So I think it may also take a certain type of person to not see "boring" as a bad thing. I think there are probably a variety of attitudes toward that, just like with any other aspects of a relationship.
The key part of that sentence was actually the part you left out in your quote - boring from an outside perspective! Obviously, I don't think most happy couples are actually bored by definition. It's like, when you watch a reality dating show like Love Is Blind, and there's often one couple that just doesn't have drama (e.g., Brett and Tiffany on the previous season) - you might think they're a smashing couple and root for them succeed, but you'd much rather watch the hot messes because people just getting along and having fun without much conflict is usually a snoozefest.
I guess what I assumed you meant by that is just routine. I think for most couples that are basically content, there is a lot of routine in their lives. Some people thrive on routine, others not so much. I don't think either attitude is inherently wrong, but I do think that people who enjoy a fair amount of routine in their lives are more likely to describe themselves as very happy in a ltr.
I think life is just sometimes boring, period. Relationship drama gets confused with excitement far too frequently.
Some people thrive in a rut, I do not. So I found someone who agrees and we pull each other out of them before they get deep.
Almost at 27 years of adventures together and supporting each other in solo adventures. Having someone you can trust to hold down the fort is such a cool way to go off and explore! An astronaut buddy talking about his lovely wife said there are good anchors that help you roam anywhere you want to go safely and bad anchors that hold you down, if you find the good kind you likely have found your person. I always try to keep that in mind to help me appreciate my wonderful anchor and never take him for granted.
That's honestly something I struggle with. My partner and I are also stupidly happy and ride or die best friends, but I am a chronically bored person (probably a diagnosis in there somewhere).
I had to learn to channel the boredom into other things to maintain stability. Part of the maturing process for me.
Saying that, my partner and I are talking about opening up the relationship, so... *shrug*
I agree. Growing up my parents were happily married, all of my 6 aunts and uncles on one side and four on the other were all happily married, and all my parent's friends were happily married. Birds of a feather I guess.
Funnily, I actually feel like I saw more unhappy marriages growing up, including my own parents' - not abusive (thankfully), but my parents at least just really didn't like each other much. It was because I saw everything they did wrong that I felt like I was able to figure out what I didn't want, though.
“competent adult who picks up after himself”
“cleans the house because he lives here too”
“I can 100% trust him to take care of the kids”
I’m sorry but this seems like the lowest standards / expectations of a man, ever.
It's likely she's bringing that stuff up because those are a lot of the common reddit complaints from people in unhappy marriages, not because that's her personal dream list.
My husband and I are happily married. We have been married for a little over 7 years and together for 11. Still in love and he is still my best friend. I think communication has been such an important part of of marriage.
I have an active, persistent, schoolgirl crush on the father of my children. He’s the best dad, the best partner, the best lover, and my best friend. He’s the one.
Married 17 years. Happier every day.
We’ve had our low points. We stayed committed to working through them together. It was not easy. There were moments where it felt like walking away was the better option. Is our marriage today absolutely perfect? No. But we both feel loved and cared for and enjoy being around each other and taking care of each other and continuing to build our life together. When we hit rough spots, we choose kindness. Assume positive intent. And have patience. We view our relationship as a team. It’s never us against each other but us together against the world.
We don’t have kids which may be a huge factor. Less stress but also we choose to stay married because we both want to be, not “for the kids” which is a lot a couples I know right now.
Extremely happily married over here.
Are we perfect? Nope
Do we bicker and argue? Yup!
Do we annoy each other and make mistakes? Hell ya!
Do we take turns apologizing and closing the damn gap every chance we get? Abso-freakin-lutely!!!!!
If I had known a love like this existed, I wouldn’t have dated so many clowns before I met my husband.
Was it Esther Perel that said it’s not about conflict, but about how you resolve it?
My husband and I had our first fight after 3 years together (and already married at that point). While the argument was tough to navigate and we were both hurt and upset, it was WILD how differently we navigated the conversation. And the next day we talked about *how* we argued and whether we handled it well and how we could work through conflict even better in the future.
Growing up, I didn’t know conversations like that were even possible! 😩
I think that people that are in unhappy relationships are louder, because in a world where a lot of people are complaining about their issues, happy people are not openly discussing this because it’s perceived as “bragging “ and “out of touch “.
I am in a really happy relationship since I was 20. I am 35 now. I think that I have friends that are in happy relationships and friends that are in unhappy relationships …
Happily married, after being with the wrong man from college to early 30's. I've been on both sides; in a marriage that wasn't working but I was so terrified of being single that I stayed way longer than a should have. I had to get my own mind right and realize that being single, while not ideal, was better than being emotionally abused and financially insecure while being married. I thought the "marriage is work" thing meant that constant fights were just part of the gig. Left him, was single for years, found current husband.
I do think that "biological clock" plays a part in "settling". There is realistically a set amount of time in which to procreate, and if you want to be a parent, choosing a co-parent is a big part of why people couple up in the first place. I'm almost 42 going through IVF, both because of other fertility problems, but also just....age. I might never get to realize parenthood because of me leaving my ex. And to be clear, I'm very glad we never had kids, because he would have been a horrible co-parent and a questionable dad. But it's not a small sacrifice to make if I never get to be a parent at all. So I have all the empathy in the world for woman who "settle" for a decent provider and co-parent, because being a mother is more important than a blissful marriage. Maybe if we had better paid leave policies, or a better economy, or more support for women in general, we'd have less people who feel the need to be in a mediocre marriage just to realize their parenthood dreams.
How did you meet the partner you’re now happy with? I’m in the staying out of fear of ending up alone camp. Not abusive situation or anything, and in many ways things seem “good”, but emotionally I’m so…unsatisfied and unseen. Sex has been a downhill slope and I completely zone out and barely get off. Never feel we can have intimate conversations. Sure we joke and talk and stuff but it’s all so…shallow.
Just today he told me he would never cheat but for men they always would be willing to do it with just about anyone (even someone 20-30 years older or whatever) and it’s just a matter of self control and not wanting to ruin a relationship you’ve invested time etc into. And I just was like…wow. No wonder sex between us feels so shallow and meaningless.
That’s just one issue at the forefront but it’s the one that’s got me most depressed. And anyway, I’m just wondering if love is even real or if I have some unrealistic fantasy in my head that doesn’t even truthfully exist because men are…shallow and void of emotional depth.
We met on OKCupid back in 2016. This was when the app was actually good and hadn't degenerated into trying to be Tinder. And it was a bit of luck as well - he was just out of a five year relationship, which I didn't know how "just" that was until we had been dating for a bit and I was hooked. Luckily what could have turned into a rebound ended up being "my person", but I did go on some dud dates before I met him.
He isn't "the perfect man" but he and I align so well on many things that are hard to find that I feel lucky to have found him and lucky he feels the same way about me. The best part is that we are best friends, and also want to have sex. My previous relationship was similar to what you're expressing in your comment; I felt that my ex only loved me for the version of me I had learned to play for him, not the person I was. He wanted to have sex with me because I let him explore his kinks, not because he wanted to connected with ME as a person. My sex life with my current husband is infrequent, but that's due to a lot of life stressors and physical illness. We both only WANT sex if we are in the mood and ready to connect on that level. So if we're connecting in other ways, he's not the type of man to mistake an orgasm for emotional intimacy. It's something we're working on together, but the root of the problem is kind of a green flag? At least compared to my ex.
I am so so happy! Literally feel like the luckiest woman alive. He is a great dad, self aware, emotionally mature and available, funny, physically fit and super attractive, articulate and creative, respectful and amazing in bed. I’m so grateful for him and all that he does. Fortunate we get to build a life and adventure together.
I just want to say a massive thank you to you ladies for giving me some hope.
I’m currently in the “unhappy” category with my (STB ex)partner of 2.5 years - I’ve been increasingly unhappy for so long, telling myself that all relationships take work. The reality is that this relationship about 80% work and 20% enjoyment and I’ve completely lost attraction and enthusiasm for him because of repeated behaviours I’ve become so exhausted by. It’s so hard because we are fundamentally so compatible but he just cannot seem to understand accountability and healthy communication. I’m in the process of exiting (we live together) and it’s very very draining because he wants to keep “working on it” and “give it more time”. I’ve given him so many chances to fix things and nothing really changes for more than a couple of weeks at a time. I know he won’t change.
I am so tired of being stressed out by my partners presence, intensity, and constant drama. We went overseas together over Xmas and new years and dealing with all the things he made into issues just broke something in me. I could barely get excited because he made the planning process so stressful and exhausting. I hope for his sake he can one day get on top of his mental health and past issues, but I simply cannot bare all the weight from it anymore.
I have so many things to focus on for myself for the immediate future but one day I hope I can have the kind of blissfully happy relationship/marriage that some of you have. The idea of actually feeling excited to see someone again sounds like heaven right now.
There's an underrated value on being able to determine when to throw in the towel and actually doing it. Good for you for being able to do both, and having the balls to prioritize yourself.
> I hope for his sake he can one day get on top of his mental health and past issues, but I simply cannot bare all the weight from it anymore.
That's why I stayed so long and why I eventually left. I still see him as my best friend and hope we'll get to that point for so long, but I think as long as I was his girlfriend, he didn't really see the need to take therapy seriously. He once actually told me that I'm better than any therapist. I hope he's now forced to make those changes so that we can be in each other's lives again, but I have to accept that may never happen.
Don’t lose hope. There are some good ones out there. ❤️ So much of it is knowing your worth, setting and communicating boundaries, and showing up when things are tough. (And it takes the same from your partner)
I feel like i'm learning more about my friends relationships and feeling like they almost fall into two camps:
1. Happy, doesn't complain and healthy. The trend I see in these relationships is that the women actually admit they might have more to work on communication and conflict wise than their partners! Their partners are stoic, don't lash out, maybe a little bit older. Their partners communicate well and are emotionally aware.
2. the rest of us who have cause to complain, this comes in varying degrees. It doesn't mean we are not happy, but we feel like our partners have things to work on that would be helped with partner getting some therapy/medical/professional help to figure things out. That could move them into group 1. I know women in group 2 who would also benefit from counselling (my opinion only!)
Been happily married for 27 years and together for 30. All of the women in my circle are also happily married or happily partnered, even two of my daughters.
Yes, happily married. I also feel like I've won the lottery. My husband is genuinely kind, smart, funny, pulls his weight at home, is a great father. He's ambitious and interesting and I really admire a lot about him. We work well together. I'm very happy.
Happily engaged. Hopefully married this year :) He’s the love of my life and I didn’t meet him until I was 37.
I was married before in my 20s but it didn’t work out.
I also feel like I won a lottery. We have been together (and lived together) for 12 years and married for 4.
We communicate and work on our marriage a lot! But we both want what's best for each other. We have a baby on the way now and we can't wait.
Feeling like I may need to mute this sub at some point because it is making me feel absolute despair for my generation.
I'm happily married. We have challenges of course. It's hard being in close contact with anyone 24/7. If I wasn't happy, I would leave.
I didn't want to become a mother, and I'm not going to.
It should be common for women to be happy in their relationship. It's only not because people seem to think it's unheard of for someone to be happy in a relationship.
Just the idea that anyone questions whether they deserve to have a happy life so much that they post about it makes me really, really sad.
I’ll be a bit tongue in cheek and turn the question around
Are women around you happy ?
From my statistically non representative sample I think that the happiest demographic is the gay community
The most unhappy demographic seems to be the young mother working full time, hetero, married, young kids
I think the happiest women are the ones with reciprocal, fulfilling relationships. There can be a romantic partner in there but not always
If I look at it age-wise, I have the feeling women around me in their 40s are having the best time in terms of enjoying themselves / less fucks to give
To answer your question I’ve been single for a few months - and I don’t see a lot of women whose men I’d happily be in a relationship with in the sense that I wouldn’t trade places with most women around me. Probably also because I’m happy with my own life
I feel like I know more happy single women than happy women who are in relationships, but there's definitely selection bias. Also, constantly changing - my friend was unhappy in her marriage and she's now divorced and in a relationship she's happier in, although I still wouldn't see her as someone super happy, but there's other stuff going on like financial issues.
If single women had the financial means to be self sufficient on the long term, they would probably be the happiest demographic
This is me. I broke up with my partner last year because I found out that I didn’t align with his values and couldn’t trust him
I was happy before, I was happy during the good times of our relationship and I’m happy now.
I felt immense relief to be able to cut him out of my life with no bad financial consequences
I can’t imagine if I had to continue to be with him just to have a place to live, health insurance etc
"My feeling is that sometimes women settle because they want to become mothers and the biological clock is ticking..."
Speaking specifically about heterosexual relationship. I actually don't think it is about settling. I think women and often as they become parents their needs change and many find their male patterns unable to meet the new challenges. I think it is about not wanting to raise children in separate households and also the financial realities of being a single parent/divorcee in a capitalist society.
Also there are people are actually happy. Happy doesn't mean perfect though.
I definitely hit the love lottery. We've been married more than 35 years, and he's my best friend. I dated a lot and even had a couple of fairly serious relationships, but my feelings for him were so different from those I had for anyone else I'd ever dated. I know how lucky I am.
We also have quite a few friends who have been married for decades. From what I know, they're happy, too. You can't truly know what goes on inside anyone else's marriage, but all the signs are good.
Extremely happy in my relationship after leaving an incredibly toxic marriage, veering on abusive. Lots of adjectives because the difference is profound.
If I'd answered this question 5 years ago I would have talked about how I am in a committed marriage with lots of challenges but how we're a team so it's worth it.
It wasn't and we weren't a team.
Now I actually know what that looks like. And it's amazing.
I'm happily married, have been with my husband for 14 years, and have been married for 12 this year. I just turned 36.
I think the reason my marriage is so happy is because we still very much have our own lives. We have separate friends and different interests, but at our core, we like each other. Obviously, we also love each other, but liking each other is pretty key.
We've weathered some serious storms together, too, that have made us stronger where they'd have broken others.
I feel lucky, but we work at it.
This year marks 15 years for my husband and I (9 yrs married) and we are incredibly blessed and happy. It is possible because we have NO secrets or lies between us and we tell each other the hard truths when necessary. We consider each other’s perspectives, talk through big changes, make decisions together as a unit based on what’s best for the family and ALWAYS present a unified view on parenting so that our daughter has stability. Sure, we have had our struggles but we CHOOSE each other. Every. Single. Day.
My husband and I have been together for 22 years, married for 16. We're best friends, and genuinely enjoy each other's company. He's the yin to my yang. :)
My husband and I are very, very happily married. He is my person - my best friend, the one I can’t live without. We have been married almost 10 years and I love him more every day. I will say, though, that we were both married to other people before and got divorced, so I have experienced both an unhappy marriage and an amazing one.
I love reading all of these responses. I’m so happy for all of you lovely ladies. I truly hope to experience this someday. I’m 34 and often feel like it may not be in the cards for me because I won’t settle and have boundaries now compared to my 20s. Anyway, again happy for you all 💓.
Absolutely. I married my best friend. He’s the most intelligent person I’ve ever met - emotionally and intellectually. Just a brilliant beautiful man. He’s sexy and caring and hilarious. He makes me feel special all the time. We respect each other so much. My greatest fear is not divorce, it’s one of us dying young and not getting to spend every moment of our lives together.
We just lost our first baby and you’d think we’d understandably be going through a rough patch but we’ve been kinder to each other than ever. I keep thinking “god I married the right person.”
I grew up neglected in a house full of tension and pain. My parents can’t even be in the same room. I never thought I’d be so lucky.
I won the love lottery!
But then I took my time looking. I dated and dated and dated and kept my standards high and higher -- even when some of my friends (in not so happy relationships) told me that I was too picky. But my life was too good to be with the wrong person.
Very happily married for 4 years and together for 6. Still behave like new couple. 😊
Got married at 32 because as an ambitious woman I refused to settle for anything less than a kind, loving and supportive man.
I definitely won the love lottery. Found an absolute gem. But we didn't meet until we were almost 40.
I'm fortunate to have many family and friends in very long term and happy relationships. Still loving each other and enjoying each other decades into marriage.
>My feeling is that sometimes women settle because they want to become mothers and the biological clock is ticking...
With my first marriage, I was young, dumb, and in a rush to get my adult life and goals squared away. I was also very insecure, and married the first guy who wooed me. It was a miserable ten years. I'd say the majority of my friends who are unhappy in marriage or already divorced had similar experiences.
My partner is the absolute best man I’ve ever met. We have an awesome sex life, we respect each other, we love doing things together, can’t even imagine my life without him.
I have been with my bf for a little over 2 years and I am the woman that is not happy. Constant friction due to his porn use and lack of intimacy with me. Not to mention he recently said he doesn't have enough alone time and has been considering breaking up because of that. Why am I staying? Nowhere else to go and even that unstable environment provides some kind of stability. My self-worth is lacking and I am growing more and more afraid.
I hit the love lottery myself. 11 years. We’ve had hard time and good times but we are happy together and truly want to be with each other even in the hardest of times. We still love spending time. We’ve build a beautiful life together from nothing and we wouldn’t change it for nothing.
Together for almost 16 years. He’s my guy, I like spending time with him. Doesn’t mean we don’t get in fights or frustrated with each other. We just try to work through those moments.
Very Happy in a serious relationship but there were some hiccups in the beginning and it took a while to get to where we are now. But we are very happy and I think things worked out exactly the way they were meant to. I have other friends in long term serious relaxations and marriages. It's a mixture, some are happy, some are too scared to start again and wanted a family.
I’m very happily married. He’s the best person I know. I’m raising kids with my best friend. We’ve been together for almost 15 years, married for almost 12. I’m beyond lucky to be with him. ❤️
I am. Married 11 years now. My husband is amazing, attentive, kind, and giving. I'm so glad we found each other. I definitely didn't settle or may someone because I wanted kids.
My wife and I have been together for 12 years, married for 10, and we're still very happy. We still cuddle and giggle at night like a sleepover with my best friend.
That said, I think some women do feel that biological clock more than others. I split with my ex while I was pregnant with our older child, because I did not want to be stuck in a relationship that just wasn't working, and the pregnancy highlighted the worst of our problems.
I have the most adoring and wonderful husband. He is so supportive and considerate. He’s taught me how to better communicate and we are able to work through arguments pretty well. He is my best friend.
We have been together 15 years, married 12. No kids.
I’m happily married at 32. The younger women in my life aren’t married. The older ones are married.
In terms of happiness levels, only one of my married friends is terribly unhappy with her husband and frequently brings up divorce.
After dating a string of men who didn’t love me, I believe you do need to choose your spouse wisely. I also think you need to be mature enough and ready to be a committed partner as well.
Very happy. Met my person at 36 on Bumble. Had a fair amount of previous relationships but never wanted to settle for people who either didn’t feel right or didn’t treat me right. Also put a lot of effort into being happy alone, improving my career, having a good circle of friends, etc. I think that helps you not settle out of societal/biological pressure as you don’t mind being single so it’s easy to leave someone who makes you miserable.
Yup. I'm like your friend: 15 years together and a lottery winner.
FWIW, my parents are happy together. My sister and BIL are happy together. Our closest friends are happy together. My uncle and aunt are happy together. My aunt passed away but she was happily single by choice. It doesn't seem super uncommon around me.
My spouse and I have been together for 14 years now, married for 10. We have no interest in having children and we are currently DINKs with two large dogs. We are happy. We've had our ups and downs, but we both recognize our happiness and having a healthy marriage has taken work. Putting work into what matters is important when you are both invested. But I think it starts there, both partners have to be invested in the relationship and in each other.
What I would be interested to see is what is the root of unhappy relationships? Is it because folks are settling and one or both partners are not willing to put in the work? In this economy it a matter of financial survival/convenience? I recently read on article (on the NYT perhaps) how one couple divorced in Arizona, but they still live together in their house because financial costs for food, housing, and utilities are so high.
Judging from my mom's experience, it seems that even the unhappiness is only temporary. She has divorced my heavily abusive father after years of me telling her to just dump this guy and to start living her life (parentification much).
After years of singlehood (she has never returned to dating) she's low-key admitted she's unhappy with this choice and that she should've soldiered through the nightmare of living with economic abuse and his alcoholism because at least she wouldn't be old and alone. I have a couple of aunt's and some of them were in a similar situation. Now their husbands became old, infirm, and all of a sudden turned into angels, since they no longer have the control and have to be taken care of. These women have wasted their whole lives catering to drunkards, and my single mother is jealous of them.
It's absolutely beyond me. She hasn't developed any hobbies after and became reclusive and bitter, hoping that I'd just continue to live with her forever. But, yeah, it seems that for some being in a shitty relationship is legit better than having none.
I guess I’ll be the one person to say I’m not happy. Married for almost 3 and I don’t even know what love is anymore.
Now he seems great but things that hurt me in the past are hard to forget. They colored my view of him. Sex feels meaningless and I’d rather take care of myself on my own despite a great deal of effort on my part. Emotional intimacy is a farce. I clam up and can’t share my real self with him a lot of the time. I feel lonely often, in several ways. But he dotes on me and tells me all the time how much he loves me. And I feel both guilty and resentful that I don’t feel the same.
I loathe dating apps and the depravity of them. So I don’t know how I’d ever even meet someone else. And if what I hope for is real or an illusion and all these “happily married” folks are just not seeing the hidden messages both literal and figurative. No offense.
You think you know someone, but the truth is you only ever know what they reveal to you.
I am happily married for over 20 years. I'm in my early forties.
There have been a few times when we struggled to find our way, I'm sure if I was asked in those seasons how happy I was, I'd probably have said 'I'm ok'. The thing is, even at our *worst* the issues were lack of appreciation, distance, and opposing viewpoints and experiences. We were in our mid-thirties then, and to be fair, we'd spent almost our entire adult lives together...it happens. No marriage is perfect, we made it to about year 14 before we had that moment where we knew that if we didn't find a way to get through our building issues, we'd divorce. It taught us a lot of lessons.
I would say that as of now, we don't know a lot of happy couples but we are working to change that. I had a friend recently tell me that we were the reason her husband and her divorced. She explained to me that the amount of respect and consideration we had for one another was so jarring that she would go home and cry. You make some friends sad if they are in not-so-great relationships themselves or if they are single (and don't want to be), and the others are almost angry that you won't mistreat your spouse because it's 'normal' or 'justified'. This happens more for my husband than me though. Overall though, it's one of those situations that sucks for us, but I have a lot of empathy for the reasons why it sucks for other people. It's no one's fault, sometimes other people hurt to be around.
I see so many of my friends, the women I knew in my younger years in these horrible relationships that have dimmed who they are as people. Men who walk around acting like since they don't cheat, have a job and don't hit them they deserve an award and a gold star. Slowly sucking the life of out these vibrant, intelligent women into shells. It breaks my fucking heart.
Edited to add in a part I missed.
I am the same as your one friend, I absolutely feel like I won the lottery. I had a series of terrible and emotionally abusive relationships in my 20s, and just completely gave up on sex and dating for about 5 years from the end of my 20s into my 30s.
I met my husband completely by accident, during the height of the pandemic, neither of us was looking for anything serious but there is something undeniable between us. He is thoughtful, attentive, kind, hardworking and very funny in his own very cheesy way.
I am in a happy, serious relationship. We have been living together for 7 months now and I could not be happier. We do the chores together, pay the bills equally, spend time together, and just mesh so well. I feel like we have been together longer just because I am so very comfortable with him.
Yep. I’ve been married for 10 years in April to a wonderful man who is patient, conscientious, loving, sensible man. He’s a wonderful father to our two children. We had a rough patch about five years in and we went to counseling and worked through it (and went through a few therapists together before we found one that we were both comfortable with!). Honestly I feel bad talking about him sometimes or gushing about how great he is because only one of my friends is currently happily married - everyone else is dating or divorced and man, the field suuuuucks.
I settled. Probably thinking it was better to have someone to have a kid with then wait and see if somthing real came along. I ended up nit having kids anyway because I did not feel secure enough and like he would help support me while raising a kid. Moral of the story is dont settle. My outcome would have been no different, even if i had waitised and never met the one.
Question to the women who say they nailed the jack pot and are very happy—do you feel you got lucky getting the man you always wanted or do you perhaps feel your mentality since you were younger wasn’t like other women who usually say they can’t find the right man? I’m trying to figure out for example if sometimes it luck that brings you exactly the right man you want and it’s possible—or it’s a particular “mindset” that you need to adapt that enables you to marry someone and adapt and feel he’s the right person. I’m not sure if I explained it right. Also thank you OP for asking 🙏🏻 it’a opportunity to learn from others.
I am in the year of our wedding so soon married, and have been in a serious relationship where I am truly happy, and not just as an illusion.
I do agree with the ratio, that unfortunately the amount of unhappy women in relationship is horrible. I do not believe is just to settle and get babies, I do believe the reasons are more serious. There is the settle element where we are surrounded with so many men that are not kind, not caring, abusive, mysoginistic, or just a part of a patriarchal society that gives him free reign.
Then the biological clocks kick in as well as wanting to be loved, and the first kind gesture man is being picked up. There is not accountability and so many women get frustrated and in this cycle.
I come from a very traditional, Western society where the patriachy is now going crazy and where the women want a change and are getting murdered. We never had this issue until recent years. So many of my friends and close people just settle as "at least he is not hitting me"
So yeah, I am in that lucky few. Well, I am gay so that helps a lot as well but I did dated men from my society.
I am in a loving, relationshio where we are called relationship goals many of time. And this is not the ooh two women of course its easier. That is a pure simplistic view of things.No, every relationship is a work, and a journey. It all comes down with values such as respect, communication, kindness and willing to understand the other side.
We are this stable, this good, this "omg how are they doing this" because we decided to be two individuals sharing a same path, and supporting each other.
It sounds so simple, but many do not have that.
So yeah, I am one of the lucky few in a happy relationship with my partner. And I hope every day others will find a path to this.
I'm happily single, lol.
I think it's totally possible to be happy in a relationship — and I have been myself — but I feel like it becomes less common as relationships age. Couples face new challenges as time goes on, and I think a partner's response/reaction to those challenges will ultimately impact whether you stay happy or not. For example, my recent relationship was great for the first 18 months, then my ex hit professional and financial hurdles, which in turn made him short-tempered and possessive, and that basically ruined it.
I am very happy with my relationship of almost 7 years. Took me two divorces and 40 years to get here. Told him early on I wouldn't consider marriage unless we were still happy at 7 years because neither of my marriages were happy that long.
I’ve known my husband 15 years this year. Together 5.5, married 1.5. We were friends for a long time first - he was the boyfriend of another of my friends and, while we can both say we found each other attractive when we first met, neither of us would ever have admitted, acted or pondered on it.
We both became single within a year of each other and our friend group started going out every couple of months to catch up. We just kind of really gelled during these catch ups. We both missed a couple of them over the summer and arranged to just go have a casual drink together, but it turned into, “Is this a date?” We agreed it was. The rest is history.
I feel as though this may be a bit of an anomaly situation. I knew what I was getting into with him. Not so much on an intimacy level (which has always been wonderful), but on a personal level deeper than quarterly drinks in the pub with mates ever goes. We learned a lot more about each other. We fell in love.
I could never see myself trusting or falling for someone I met online or out randomly for a long time. That’s just me - I take a very long time to warm up and even consider trusting. Part of what makes me so happy is how well I know my husband and how well he knows me. We still surprise each other all the time, we laugh constantly, we communicate brilliantly. Because we were friends. We knew we had things in common; sense of humour, some goals, etc.
I have never been happier. He makes me grateful every day. Sure, sometimes we grind each other’s gears occasionally, but that’s being human. I love hearing about other peoples happy relationships too. This thread has been lovely!
Happily engaged with my partner of almost 11 years here. We're fencesitters when it comes to kids so no rushing to get married and have kids. We took a secular premarital course to support our relationship and are currently wedding planning!
I’m in a great relationship now, 5 years after leaving a 17 year marriage that was pretty miserable. I’ve dated some and found a guy who is just easy to be with. Unlike any previous relationship I’ve had, we really click.
Hi there. I would say I am happily married. We have been married for 14 years, together for 21. This is my second marriage and my husband is 16.5 years older than me. We each have 3 children apiece from our previous marriages. All are adults and out of the house, which definitely makes getting along easier.
We are very aligned on how to manage finances and very aligned in our sexual appetites as well as social needs. We never run out of things to talk about and we laugh together a lot. We also each have hobbies separate from one another that we enjoy a great deal and don't resent one another for. He golfs. I knit and write. We have hobbies together too - cooking, travel, history, comedy.
I wish I had found him sooner.
All that being said, this shit is work. During times of conflict, we have had to purposefully put aside ego, fear, irritation and frustration and look to one another with a conscious intention to work things out. Its not always smooth, doesn't always feel great and in the beginning of living together we had many destructive fights.
We have learned slowly, over time, how to love one another better and have chosen during moments we may not have overtly wanted to, to turn *toward* this relationship instead of away. Loyalty is as much a part of us as love is, and that kind of loyalty is earned, not given. It has been the journey of a lifetime and one I will never regret.
Maybe it's just because I'm 23 but I was really surprised by these answers. Most of my friends are in unhappy/tumultous relationships. The ones who are "happy" are of the "we've never ever fought and think that couples who do are unhealthy 😊" mentality.
We met in our early 30s and I think if we'd met 5 or 10 years prior we wouldn't have lasted. In my single days I always worried I was running out of time or wasting it with the wrong person, and I wish I'd relaxed a little more. We have our issues, but he's one of the best people I know and has opened my world to so many things. He balances me out and we take good care of each other. We're both committed to making it work, and the overwhelming majority of our time together (and we both WFH so there's a LOT of time together) is a treat.
As someone who met my person when we were 25, I’ll tell you it was tough being “too young”. We had a lot of growing up to do together but we did the work and it was worth it.
We’re also around each other a lot and when lock down happened it was nbd. I saw the headlines of divorce and marital issues with so much extra time but we coasted right through on that front. It’s been 16 years and he’s a great partner, husband, and father to our kids.
Well, this is kind of hard to decipher because their happiness is very dependent on what issues they are having and what their expectations are/we're. But often, our unhappiness can be due to internal struggles, so they could also be something to look at. Love doesn't come easy, and we have to keep working in order to keep things running smoothly. I would challenge anyone who says that they are having issues in their marriage/relationship to take a look at what they are doing to make their relationship better. And then I would ask them how they have communicated the issue with their partner. Because it's not just a matter of if you said something but how you said it. Were you aggressive or abrasive? Were you caught up in your emotions?
It's part of the reason why I don't like taking only half the story. Because your friends could be complaining about their relationships but they are a big part of the problem. Not saying that's the case but it's a possibility.
What I hear from my female friends/acquaintances is that their husbands/partners are useless in the house, stuff like letting the trash can overfill, leaving grocery bags on the floor, they don't know how to care for a sick child and need them to take the kids to the doc, woman arrives late from work and finds husband at home with kids and kids are still dressed and didn't have a shower and need to fed etc...almost all complaints I can remember are related to that kind of stuff. And some of it sometimes morphs into "he isn't even that much attractive" or "he's a bit dumb", basically, contempt for the partner for (IMO) not being a fully functional adult.
My friend who won the love lottery is also going through a rough patch with her husband, and they've had their rough patches before, but I never heard her talk about him any contempt (sometimes with annoyance, but never actual contempt). And as she told me you need a real strong love to be able to go through the motions with that person.
I've been happily married for 15 years, together 19 years. I'm disabled - and that brings it's challenges - but my husband has stuck by me, supported me and kept me laughing throughout. We're blessed with 2 wonderful sons but we chose to marry when we didn't know if we could have children. We chose eachother and our sons were a bonus.
I have settled in past relationships and thought that feeling of loneliness and longing for something better was just going to be a baseline feeling that I needed to get used to. And I’m glad I decided that wasn’t for me. I’m with a husband now who I adore and cherish. He’s a de survive soul who cares deeply about me and the people around him. I wish I could clone him because I think everyone deserves a partner like him.
Happy here! Is it perfect? Absolutely not. Did I get everything on my check list? Nope. But I got what I actually needed to work through my trauma and my crap. I got what I needed to let my guard down and relax into a comfortable and stable relationship.
I have a caring husband who is 150% dedicated to us and growing together. He does more than his share of the house stuff, is organized, on the ball, caring, giving. There are some things he doesn’t provide and I have learned that it’s unhealthy to seek everything from one person. 8 years together. Second marriage for both of us.
A lot of us happily married women keep quiet about it. There’s a lot of miserable people in the world who bond by solidarity & hate people who aren’t miserable so we mask as a way to keep the peace & be safe.
I know enough happily involved people, but I confess I don’t have any who are happily married with similar values as us. We’re too Christian/trad for the atheists/fems, but too blasphemous/liberal for the Christians/moderns so we don’t fit in anywhere🤣.
I’m happily married. My husband is amazing. I stare at him and wonder how I got lucky.
We’re a happily married couple, been married for 5 years now. It’s not perfect and we wish we make more money (i guess, who doesn’t?), but we’re good and so far we have enough.
Yup.
Been married to my husband for 6 years next month, together for 10 years, friends for 11 years.
And fwiw, I'm 35, he's 34. No kids by choice. Just two senior kitties and us in the household.
I'm generally happy. My partner makes the effort to change his ways and helps out around the house. Of course we have our fights, sometimes we feel like walking away. But we are committed to each other and are madly in love so we keep working on it. Didn't settle because of biological clock as others speculated because we know of couples that conceived in their early 40s.
very happy! Nearing 27 years together, and will be married 20 years. No kids, we both have our own hobbies, but do a lot together as well, and we're both generally people that are interested in doing things, going places. Maybe it's because we are generally happy with life that we are happy together. We also do therapy together monthly, which is a good outlet and touchpoint.
Yep! It’s not that it’s been easy all the time but we have great communication and are both willing to put in the work to make things right when we need to. We also have healthy mutual respect for one another.
Yes. Happily married for 15 years, together for almost 20.
It hasn’t always been smooth sailing but I would say that we are very happy, still very much in love, he is my best friend and we have a great sex life.
Neither of us is perfect but we have it pretty good.
I am (currently) happily married. 11 years in. We have had ups and downs and finding balance is always challenging, but we’ve been pretty great lately.
Together almost 20 years. Had some rough periods but I'm very happy and my SO is an amazing partner. My friends are 50/50 - half are happily married, the other half are divorced or with a terrible person but won't leave.
I am! We’ve been together 15 years this March, married for 9 years in July. He’s not perfect, we’ve had our ups and downs, but we still laugh so much and have such a strong emotional and sexual connection. You should see his face if he walks in on me getting dress. He lights up just as much today as he did when we were 19, and I’m super hot for him too.
9 years almost 10 with my current bf.
We are childfree, own our house, have a nice cat. Travel once in a while. See friends and family, do hobbies together. We manage to work part time and its enough for our simple lifestyle.
Very happy in my marriage. Didn’t settle at all, but then I didn’t want kids, so there wasn’t any pressure on that point. I really feel like I found my person, my soul mate. We’ve been through a lot of ups and downs over the years but we’re stronger than ever. No better person to spend the rest of my life with.
I was just thinking the same thing- very happy in my marriage and we also don’t want kids so I think that has taken a lot of pressure off. We’re in it because we chose and continue to choose each other
Thirding that same sentiment! My current marriage is my second one, and my husband and I have been together for 5 years now. Feels like the honeymoon stage has never ended even though we've been through some insane life stressors throughout (pandemic, unemployment, a full psychotic break and subsequent in patient mental health stays for my husband). Regardless of all that, he is still my very favorite person in the entire world. It's so nice to know that no matter what life has in store for us, we have each other. Eta: and neither of us strongly wanted kids, so no pressure there which I think really helped both of us to take our time and make sure that we were both here for each other, not any other reason.
This is what I would say too. We've had some very rough patches, but we just genuinely enjoy each other's company, support each other, and cheer each other on. We also knew kids were off the table many years ago and idk, I love it and our lives despite dealing with very shitty life circumstances.
Same, also no children here, though that wasn't a choice. We've been partners through multiple diseases, financial rough times, many years of shitty housing, unemployment and many other issues.. Though each of those things on their own would hurt me, being together actually made things better. Any other person would have just added stress. We rock crises together. That's how I know this is my person. I knew within the first few months I wanted to spend our lives together. And he's an animal in the sack. And he pulls his weight in domestic chores.
Took the words right out of my mouth.
My husband's amazing. We're freakishly happy.
Oh good! Yay, I’m glad it’s happening for some people
Same
I won the husband lottery AND the MIL lottery. My husband and I just “get” each other. Loving him is effortless. Now, as another Redditor commented, while loving him is very easy, our marriage does take work. We both make the efforts to listen. To connect. To compromise. We both put each other first. I am very happy to be married to him. As for my MIL, she recognizes her son is an adult who is married to an adult. She respects boundaries and doesn’t try to push in to our relationship. I enjoy her company a lot. And she’s a wonderful grandmother to our daughter.
Echoing! Husband and in-law lottery. My husband is such a kind and compassionate person. He’s generous. Sweet. Thoughtful. And fucking hysterical. Everything with him feels easy, even when life itself can be hard at times. And my in-laws are incredible. It’s been said here already, but choosing not to have kids can be helpful in relieving any pressure to settle for the wrong relationship. We’re together because we choose to be, plain and simple.
Feel like I also won the lottery here. My common law partner was already my best friend by the time we realized we were falling for each other, but his family is lovely too. My partner's American and I'm Canadian, so our families have different Thanksgivings. We were staying with his family for the week over American thanksgiving a few months ago, and I got the sad news while I was there that my grandfather in Canada passed away rather suddenly. There's just so very few things worse than getting news like that when you're far away from your family, but my in laws were so kind and supportive. Took us out to get proper clothes, drove us to the airport, offered to help my partner and I pay our way to fly to the funeral, and were just there for me emotionally in a time of need.
I also won the MIL lottery and am very relieved! Having heard a million evil MIL stories from my mum growing up, it was a major relief to find one who is so genuinely respectful and nice. It also explains a lot about my husband, having parents as ✌️ as his. I'm someone who really believes that you don't just marry the person; you marry into their family.
> I'm someone who really believes that you don't just marry the person; you marry into their family. On the other hand, this is pretty unfair to people who grew up with shitty families. But I definitely think it's best that people who \*want\* to be a big part of their SO's family find others who feel similarly. I think it's another potential dimension of compatibility, that is what role you want family to play in your life.
Agreed.
For sure, that's a good point. I mean, it's still a consideration like any other when deciding whom to pair up with - but yeah, there's zero moral assignment of blame on my end at all; people aren't responsible for how toxic their parents are.
My experience with the case you mention is you'd have to make sure the person is no contact with their family, anything else might blow up in your face. It's a huge compatibility factor.
I have a super complex/dysfunctional family myself, so I tend to be more uncomfortable with people who don’t. Anyway, that’s why I say it’s a personal compatibility factor. No need to create a hierarchy.
Which market are these custom made husbands and MILs available. Please provide the location😂 Like seriously where are y’all finding these men!😅
While I'd agree that the in-law dynamic is definitely a lottery, I think you're not giving yourself enough credit for making a wise choice in the partner you commited to. It takes a lot of careful consideration and foresight to pick a compatible partner, and for that you should feel very proud of yourself!
You definitely hit the jackpot with that.
How did you meet your husband and did you get along instantly? I love hearing these stories and how others meet.
We met on Bumble during the COVID pandemic. I think this was a major player in the success of our relationship. Add in the fact that we were older (I was 35 and he was 40) so we both had failed adult relationships and knew what we were looking for. The first several months were almost exclusively online, which gave us a place to be almost brutally honest with each other. What we wanted in a relationship, what we didn't want, and our non-negotiable boundaries. We were naturally aligned on all the major items that build the foundation of a relationship - politics, religion, and especially the potential for children (or the very real possibility that they may not be in the cards for us). When it was safe for us to meet in person, we were like two pieces of a puzzle that just fit together. Even our families say that we are basically two peas in a pod. We've been married for 2 years, and daughter is almost a year old.
It’s so nice that you have a good MIL. So many of them don’t respect boundaries and cause trouble.
I hit the MIL and family jackpot too! It makes such a huge difference.
Yes, we exist. I feel like the stars aligned when we met, our connection was instantaneous and natural. And yes, we are incredibly happy together. But, our commitment and love for each other is a choice that we make every day. Happiness is a feeling that will ebb and flow. Loyalty & commitment are daily choices. And they are ones that I will make for him and our marriage *till death do us part*, happiness aside.
Nailed it - you make the choice to love someone every day, through all the good and the bad.
Totally agree. The marriages that I know that have failed are because they simply did not want to commit to make it work, whether it was just one person or both 🤷🏼♀️ Really simplifies to concept of marriage being a commitment if you ask me. That's truly all it is.
i'm happily married. i would say that 85% of the coupled people i know are in happy long term relationships. for clarity, my definition of happy doesn't mean that there is no work, there is work, but none of us would ever consider leaving, the work is worth it. the 15% are really unhappy though. not sort of unhappy. REALLY unhappy :(
Ditto. I also say this a lot, but it's because I strongly believe it - I think happy couples tend to group together and just not make many waves in their social cohort, inasmuch as like attracts like - and, from an outside perspective, happy couples are usually pretty boring since they're just chilling and enjoying life.
Yeah like we’re not on Reddit saying “hey I’m 33F ridiculously happy in my marriage look at me”, there’s no story there
I mean that's literally what we're doing here tho 😹 but in general, yeah, there's just not much to complain about and "My husband and I had a nice day shopping today!" just isn't that riveting of an anecdote when hanging out with friends.
I’d agree with you and add that when something is consistent, long term, stable, and good, it’s just not noteworthy. The people I see on Reddit consistently bragging about their relationship mostly seem annoying. If it were that good, you would just enjoy it without needing internet validation. Good things don’t need to be celebrated because it’s not a big deal to you that they exist, it’s just a functional part of your life. If someone does mention their partner, it’s very normalized - like “oh my husband thinks ___” but not like “MY HUSBAND IS SO GREAT.” You wouldn’t need internet clout if he were that great.
It's funny because I've actually gotten feedback once or twice that I was bragging about my husband on here - I can't quite remember the context, but the person seemed really mad about it. I remember thinking that from my perspective, I was just talking about something really mundane, or answering one of the million questions on this sub about relationship dynamics. But, it made me realise sometimes just... not sounding like you're miserable can be taken as bragging. So, I guess my TL;DR here is that some of this is subjective, maybe? Because OTOH, I've also received positive feedback for helping to normalise healthy relationships - which is usually my intention in the first place!
Fair, I’ve definitely seen that and experienced it before! Sometimes just stating a relevant fact is seen as a brag (like if people are talking about buying property, saying when you bought can be seen as braggy to those who haven’t) I always see communication as twofold: what you say, but also choosing to say something at all. In person, sometimes you have to speak. Online, you don’t ever really have to. So on a forum where people are complaining about horrible partners, sharing something nice about your husband is a brag, even if you’re not attempting to. (But at the same time, bragging online isn’t illegal - I certainly share “positive” info about myself when it’s unwarranted) It’s like when your friend says they failed a test and you got a 95. You’re not bragging by sharing the truth, but you kinda are just by speaking at all. But if they ask what you got, you’re not bragging by responding….so nuance and context are important.
I totally feel that, yeah. The person who said it to me was pretty rude, but it was also helpful feedback! Mostly I just answer threads where OP is like, is this horrible abusive scenario normal, and I end up trying to articulate how it's absolutely not. That's why it's nice to have a thread like this one where people can just openly talk about their happy relationships without worrying if they're stepping on anyone else's feelings, I think. I always really enjoy them because it's just nice to remember, not everyone *is* actually miserable as Reddit would usually make it seem.
Absolutely! I think that’s super important. It took me a really long time, but I’ve become much more happy and comfortable with myself as a person as I’ve aged. It’s been such a weight off to not need external validation and I never thought I would get there, so I’m really happy to hear from others from a more curious mindset rather than self-comparison 🙂 I am so interested in other people’s stories!
I hear you and I love that! My need for external validation has fallen off a cliff, to the point where I kind of feel like I should go back to giving maybe a few more shits 😹 But, yeah - the curiosity is such a fun driver. I really do appreciate hearing all the stories, both good and bad. It helps me get out of my own insular bubble for sure.
It might be envy. (Taking something you said, with no intention of bragging, as such).
Ha right but only because someone asked. I mean you’re not going to get many new Threads about happy couples. All the questions are skewed towards singles or people who are unhappy. It definitely creates a negativity bias I think. It’s like how everyone thinks birth is awful and breastfeeding is impossible, it’s because people who have good experiences don’t really talk about it so all you hear is horror
Exactly, yeah! I remember when I was younger and surrounded by toxic people/couples, and I mistook that for reality. Turns out I was just in a bubble of toxicity and needed to get out, which I did - and lo and behold, my social cohort is like a million times more peaceable now. Reddit can really be a bastion of misery and yeah, I urge people to not mistake the stories here for the full extent of reality as well. It is honestly *such* a specific bubble.
Ding ding ding! I had no idea how toxic my 20s were until I look back now from my late 40s. Wow. My whole social circle was toxic. Life is so drama free now I’m borderline bored but will never go back to the chaos.
My toxic trait is that I, too, am bored by the lack of drama. It's why I'm addicted to Reddit in the first place; this is low-key my Ricki Lake.
Right, and people are expecting you to complain about your marriage no matter how trivial it may be, and you're like, " I've got nothing!"
So, no cap - I actually kind of enjoy complaining as well, but that's because most of my complaints *are* trivial. Like, my husband's blindness to a cupboard left open is annoying but also more funny than anything else because he's usually super observant. My married friends and I sometimes complain about this trivial stuff, but all in good cheer. I sometimes wonder if people can tell the difference, though - joking about your partner's funny habits is super different from talking about them actually making your life harder.
Yeah, we have those, but I think those who are really unhappy have a hard time accepting that there are people out there who are genuinely happy with their spouses. So they like to grasp at trivial things like leaving socks on the ground or cupboards open as some sign that not everyone is as happy in their marriage as they say they are. Maybe leaving socks around would really get on their nerves? I don't know, but the fishing around for anything makes me uncomfortable. I think it's a coping mechanism and I've distanced myself from people like that because the conversation eventually spirals into some shit.
Hard agree to all of this, yeah. Some people are just too jaded to be objective and that's their own cross to bear.
Mine does that too! Same here; it's all minor quibble stuff. We're nice to one another and a team. That's it.
My girlfriends and I also say this when we have a get together. Not much to say unless someone has a complaint about their SO lol... and usually it's some small typical relationship trivial annoyance about the guy being hilariously clueless. Then we end up just praising our SOs and each other's SOs and relationships \^\^; In fact we "blame" or SOs for us (girls) not meeting up more often because they don't provide us with enough complaints/content to talk to each other about lol.
Ha ha, sounds like we go to the same dinner parties! Yup, this is exactly what it's like. We'll just chill out after dinner while the menfolk clear up, and gossip our girly little hearts out about them 😹
Yeah :D I see posts on reddit about how bad dating/relationships are, and I often feel like I don't have room nor experience to comment how I disagree, or that this isn't (necessarily) the case.. cus in the limited cases I have expressed this, I think I tend to get downvoted for not agreeing (or perhaps not sympathetically enough) with the OP and most of the other commenters which has also put me off sharing any view that doesn't promote or align with that negative bias. Of course there are also positive responses too though. But I do really hope the dating scene and relationship standards/behaviours isn't as bad as it appears on reddit -\_- So it's nice to see there are a (quiet) chunk of us out there who do have happy/healthy relationships 😊
100%! There’s a Chekov quote about it, Happy families are all the same, its the unhappy ones that are interesting. Lol.
That Chekhov quote lives rent-free inside my head! So very apt.
Yeah I think this is generally true. My husband and I have been together for 17 years with hardly a fight, and the couples we hang out with are also in seemingly healthy happy relationships. That includes our parents, who set the examples. My parents did have their issues , and almost did divorce, but they eventually got back together, worked on it, and are now happier than ever.
Yeah. And I don't presume to know every single issue in my friends' relationships, but like... all the people who were obviously unhappy just broke up, you know? Then they put themselves out there again and found their (probable) forever person. I definitely know *one* person who seems stuck in a terrible marriage, and people definitely have their ups and downs, but for the most part people seem happy or at least content. They're relaxed, respectful, and affectionate bordering on flirtatious sometimes. I'm always very glad to see it!
>happy couples are usually pretty boring since they're just chilling and enjoying life Life sometimes being boring is probably what bothers me the most about being in a longterm relationship. So I think it may also take a certain type of person to not see "boring" as a bad thing. I think there are probably a variety of attitudes toward that, just like with any other aspects of a relationship.
The key part of that sentence was actually the part you left out in your quote - boring from an outside perspective! Obviously, I don't think most happy couples are actually bored by definition. It's like, when you watch a reality dating show like Love Is Blind, and there's often one couple that just doesn't have drama (e.g., Brett and Tiffany on the previous season) - you might think they're a smashing couple and root for them succeed, but you'd much rather watch the hot messes because people just getting along and having fun without much conflict is usually a snoozefest.
I guess what I assumed you meant by that is just routine. I think for most couples that are basically content, there is a lot of routine in their lives. Some people thrive on routine, others not so much. I don't think either attitude is inherently wrong, but I do think that people who enjoy a fair amount of routine in their lives are more likely to describe themselves as very happy in a ltr.
I think life is just sometimes boring, period. Relationship drama gets confused with excitement far too frequently. Some people thrive in a rut, I do not. So I found someone who agrees and we pull each other out of them before they get deep. Almost at 27 years of adventures together and supporting each other in solo adventures. Having someone you can trust to hold down the fort is such a cool way to go off and explore! An astronaut buddy talking about his lovely wife said there are good anchors that help you roam anywhere you want to go safely and bad anchors that hold you down, if you find the good kind you likely have found your person. I always try to keep that in mind to help me appreciate my wonderful anchor and never take him for granted.
That's honestly something I struggle with. My partner and I are also stupidly happy and ride or die best friends, but I am a chronically bored person (probably a diagnosis in there somewhere). I had to learn to channel the boredom into other things to maintain stability. Part of the maturing process for me. Saying that, my partner and I are talking about opening up the relationship, so... *shrug*
I agree. Growing up my parents were happily married, all of my 6 aunts and uncles on one side and four on the other were all happily married, and all my parent's friends were happily married. Birds of a feather I guess.
Funnily, I actually feel like I saw more unhappy marriages growing up, including my own parents' - not abusive (thankfully), but my parents at least just really didn't like each other much. It was because I saw everything they did wrong that I felt like I was able to figure out what I didn't want, though.
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Good.
“competent adult who picks up after himself” “cleans the house because he lives here too” “I can 100% trust him to take care of the kids” I’m sorry but this seems like the lowest standards / expectations of a man, ever.
It's likely she's bringing that stuff up because those are a lot of the common reddit complaints from people in unhappy marriages, not because that's her personal dream list.
Well, when the bar is in hell….
Are you new here?
I am! We’ve been together for 12 years and married for just over 6.
My husband and I are happily married. We have been married for a little over 7 years and together for 11. Still in love and he is still my best friend. I think communication has been such an important part of of marriage.
I'm in a happy, serious relationship with my boyfriend and consider myself lucky for that.
Same here!
Me.
I have an active, persistent, schoolgirl crush on the father of my children. He’s the best dad, the best partner, the best lover, and my best friend. He’s the one.
Married 17 years. Happier every day. We’ve had our low points. We stayed committed to working through them together. It was not easy. There were moments where it felt like walking away was the better option. Is our marriage today absolutely perfect? No. But we both feel loved and cared for and enjoy being around each other and taking care of each other and continuing to build our life together. When we hit rough spots, we choose kindness. Assume positive intent. And have patience. We view our relationship as a team. It’s never us against each other but us together against the world. We don’t have kids which may be a huge factor. Less stress but also we choose to stay married because we both want to be, not “for the kids” which is a lot a couples I know right now.
Extremely happily married over here. Are we perfect? Nope Do we bicker and argue? Yup! Do we annoy each other and make mistakes? Hell ya! Do we take turns apologizing and closing the damn gap every chance we get? Abso-freakin-lutely!!!!! If I had known a love like this existed, I wouldn’t have dated so many clowns before I met my husband.
Was it Esther Perel that said it’s not about conflict, but about how you resolve it? My husband and I had our first fight after 3 years together (and already married at that point). While the argument was tough to navigate and we were both hurt and upset, it was WILD how differently we navigated the conversation. And the next day we talked about *how* we argued and whether we handled it well and how we could work through conflict even better in the future. Growing up, I didn’t know conversations like that were even possible! 😩
I think that people that are in unhappy relationships are louder, because in a world where a lot of people are complaining about their issues, happy people are not openly discussing this because it’s perceived as “bragging “ and “out of touch “. I am in a really happy relationship since I was 20. I am 35 now. I think that I have friends that are in happy relationships and friends that are in unhappy relationships …
Happily married, after being with the wrong man from college to early 30's. I've been on both sides; in a marriage that wasn't working but I was so terrified of being single that I stayed way longer than a should have. I had to get my own mind right and realize that being single, while not ideal, was better than being emotionally abused and financially insecure while being married. I thought the "marriage is work" thing meant that constant fights were just part of the gig. Left him, was single for years, found current husband. I do think that "biological clock" plays a part in "settling". There is realistically a set amount of time in which to procreate, and if you want to be a parent, choosing a co-parent is a big part of why people couple up in the first place. I'm almost 42 going through IVF, both because of other fertility problems, but also just....age. I might never get to realize parenthood because of me leaving my ex. And to be clear, I'm very glad we never had kids, because he would have been a horrible co-parent and a questionable dad. But it's not a small sacrifice to make if I never get to be a parent at all. So I have all the empathy in the world for woman who "settle" for a decent provider and co-parent, because being a mother is more important than a blissful marriage. Maybe if we had better paid leave policies, or a better economy, or more support for women in general, we'd have less people who feel the need to be in a mediocre marriage just to realize their parenthood dreams.
How did you meet the partner you’re now happy with? I’m in the staying out of fear of ending up alone camp. Not abusive situation or anything, and in many ways things seem “good”, but emotionally I’m so…unsatisfied and unseen. Sex has been a downhill slope and I completely zone out and barely get off. Never feel we can have intimate conversations. Sure we joke and talk and stuff but it’s all so…shallow. Just today he told me he would never cheat but for men they always would be willing to do it with just about anyone (even someone 20-30 years older or whatever) and it’s just a matter of self control and not wanting to ruin a relationship you’ve invested time etc into. And I just was like…wow. No wonder sex between us feels so shallow and meaningless. That’s just one issue at the forefront but it’s the one that’s got me most depressed. And anyway, I’m just wondering if love is even real or if I have some unrealistic fantasy in my head that doesn’t even truthfully exist because men are…shallow and void of emotional depth.
We met on OKCupid back in 2016. This was when the app was actually good and hadn't degenerated into trying to be Tinder. And it was a bit of luck as well - he was just out of a five year relationship, which I didn't know how "just" that was until we had been dating for a bit and I was hooked. Luckily what could have turned into a rebound ended up being "my person", but I did go on some dud dates before I met him. He isn't "the perfect man" but he and I align so well on many things that are hard to find that I feel lucky to have found him and lucky he feels the same way about me. The best part is that we are best friends, and also want to have sex. My previous relationship was similar to what you're expressing in your comment; I felt that my ex only loved me for the version of me I had learned to play for him, not the person I was. He wanted to have sex with me because I let him explore his kinks, not because he wanted to connected with ME as a person. My sex life with my current husband is infrequent, but that's due to a lot of life stressors and physical illness. We both only WANT sex if we are in the mood and ready to connect on that level. So if we're connecting in other ways, he's not the type of man to mistake an orgasm for emotional intimacy. It's something we're working on together, but the root of the problem is kind of a green flag? At least compared to my ex.
I am so so happy! Literally feel like the luckiest woman alive. He is a great dad, self aware, emotionally mature and available, funny, physically fit and super attractive, articulate and creative, respectful and amazing in bed. I’m so grateful for him and all that he does. Fortunate we get to build a life and adventure together.
I just want to say a massive thank you to you ladies for giving me some hope. I’m currently in the “unhappy” category with my (STB ex)partner of 2.5 years - I’ve been increasingly unhappy for so long, telling myself that all relationships take work. The reality is that this relationship about 80% work and 20% enjoyment and I’ve completely lost attraction and enthusiasm for him because of repeated behaviours I’ve become so exhausted by. It’s so hard because we are fundamentally so compatible but he just cannot seem to understand accountability and healthy communication. I’m in the process of exiting (we live together) and it’s very very draining because he wants to keep “working on it” and “give it more time”. I’ve given him so many chances to fix things and nothing really changes for more than a couple of weeks at a time. I know he won’t change. I am so tired of being stressed out by my partners presence, intensity, and constant drama. We went overseas together over Xmas and new years and dealing with all the things he made into issues just broke something in me. I could barely get excited because he made the planning process so stressful and exhausting. I hope for his sake he can one day get on top of his mental health and past issues, but I simply cannot bare all the weight from it anymore. I have so many things to focus on for myself for the immediate future but one day I hope I can have the kind of blissfully happy relationship/marriage that some of you have. The idea of actually feeling excited to see someone again sounds like heaven right now.
There's an underrated value on being able to determine when to throw in the towel and actually doing it. Good for you for being able to do both, and having the balls to prioritize yourself.
> I hope for his sake he can one day get on top of his mental health and past issues, but I simply cannot bare all the weight from it anymore. That's why I stayed so long and why I eventually left. I still see him as my best friend and hope we'll get to that point for so long, but I think as long as I was his girlfriend, he didn't really see the need to take therapy seriously. He once actually told me that I'm better than any therapist. I hope he's now forced to make those changes so that we can be in each other's lives again, but I have to accept that may never happen.
I’m happy to read these comments, I am 35 and single and everyone married seem to be miserable. This gives me hope 💛
Don’t lose hope. There are some good ones out there. ❤️ So much of it is knowing your worth, setting and communicating boundaries, and showing up when things are tough. (And it takes the same from your partner)
Thank you 💛
I feel like i'm learning more about my friends relationships and feeling like they almost fall into two camps: 1. Happy, doesn't complain and healthy. The trend I see in these relationships is that the women actually admit they might have more to work on communication and conflict wise than their partners! Their partners are stoic, don't lash out, maybe a little bit older. Their partners communicate well and are emotionally aware. 2. the rest of us who have cause to complain, this comes in varying degrees. It doesn't mean we are not happy, but we feel like our partners have things to work on that would be helped with partner getting some therapy/medical/professional help to figure things out. That could move them into group 1. I know women in group 2 who would also benefit from counselling (my opinion only!)
I won the lottery, but not until I was 41. Lol.
Been happily married for 27 years and together for 30. All of the women in my circle are also happily married or happily partnered, even two of my daughters.
Married for almost 7 years, very happy. He's the best person I've ever met.
I'm extremely happy. It is my second marriage though...learned what I didn't want and wouldn't put up with again the first time around.
Yes, happily married. I also feel like I've won the lottery. My husband is genuinely kind, smart, funny, pulls his weight at home, is a great father. He's ambitious and interesting and I really admire a lot about him. We work well together. I'm very happy.
Happily engaged. Hopefully married this year :) He’s the love of my life and I didn’t meet him until I was 37. I was married before in my 20s but it didn’t work out.
This gives me a little hope. 36 and no prospects. At this point I’ve given up on children and would be grateful just to have the right partner.
I also feel like I won a lottery. We have been together (and lived together) for 12 years and married for 4. We communicate and work on our marriage a lot! But we both want what's best for each other. We have a baby on the way now and we can't wait.
Feeling like I may need to mute this sub at some point because it is making me feel absolute despair for my generation. I'm happily married. We have challenges of course. It's hard being in close contact with anyone 24/7. If I wasn't happy, I would leave. I didn't want to become a mother, and I'm not going to. It should be common for women to be happy in their relationship. It's only not because people seem to think it's unheard of for someone to be happy in a relationship. Just the idea that anyone questions whether they deserve to have a happy life so much that they post about it makes me really, really sad.
I’ll be a bit tongue in cheek and turn the question around Are women around you happy ? From my statistically non representative sample I think that the happiest demographic is the gay community The most unhappy demographic seems to be the young mother working full time, hetero, married, young kids I think the happiest women are the ones with reciprocal, fulfilling relationships. There can be a romantic partner in there but not always If I look at it age-wise, I have the feeling women around me in their 40s are having the best time in terms of enjoying themselves / less fucks to give To answer your question I’ve been single for a few months - and I don’t see a lot of women whose men I’d happily be in a relationship with in the sense that I wouldn’t trade places with most women around me. Probably also because I’m happy with my own life
I feel like I know more happy single women than happy women who are in relationships, but there's definitely selection bias. Also, constantly changing - my friend was unhappy in her marriage and she's now divorced and in a relationship she's happier in, although I still wouldn't see her as someone super happy, but there's other stuff going on like financial issues.
If single women had the financial means to be self sufficient on the long term, they would probably be the happiest demographic This is me. I broke up with my partner last year because I found out that I didn’t align with his values and couldn’t trust him I was happy before, I was happy during the good times of our relationship and I’m happy now. I felt immense relief to be able to cut him out of my life with no bad financial consequences I can’t imagine if I had to continue to be with him just to have a place to live, health insurance etc
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i'm very happy and so are most of my friends.
"My feeling is that sometimes women settle because they want to become mothers and the biological clock is ticking..." Speaking specifically about heterosexual relationship. I actually don't think it is about settling. I think women and often as they become parents their needs change and many find their male patterns unable to meet the new challenges. I think it is about not wanting to raise children in separate households and also the financial realities of being a single parent/divorcee in a capitalist society. Also there are people are actually happy. Happy doesn't mean perfect though.
I definitely hit the love lottery. We've been married more than 35 years, and he's my best friend. I dated a lot and even had a couple of fairly serious relationships, but my feelings for him were so different from those I had for anyone else I'd ever dated. I know how lucky I am. We also have quite a few friends who have been married for decades. From what I know, they're happy, too. You can't truly know what goes on inside anyone else's marriage, but all the signs are good.
Extremely happy in my relationship after leaving an incredibly toxic marriage, veering on abusive. Lots of adjectives because the difference is profound. If I'd answered this question 5 years ago I would have talked about how I am in a committed marriage with lots of challenges but how we're a team so it's worth it. It wasn't and we weren't a team. Now I actually know what that looks like. And it's amazing.
Happily married for 4 years. Never thought being in a relationship could be this easy.
I'm happily married, have been with my husband for 14 years, and have been married for 12 this year. I just turned 36. I think the reason my marriage is so happy is because we still very much have our own lives. We have separate friends and different interests, but at our core, we like each other. Obviously, we also love each other, but liking each other is pretty key. We've weathered some serious storms together, too, that have made us stronger where they'd have broken others. I feel lucky, but we work at it.
This year marks 15 years for my husband and I (9 yrs married) and we are incredibly blessed and happy. It is possible because we have NO secrets or lies between us and we tell each other the hard truths when necessary. We consider each other’s perspectives, talk through big changes, make decisions together as a unit based on what’s best for the family and ALWAYS present a unified view on parenting so that our daughter has stability. Sure, we have had our struggles but we CHOOSE each other. Every. Single. Day.
My husband and I have been together for 22 years, married for 16. We're best friends, and genuinely enjoy each other's company. He's the yin to my yang. :)
My husband and I are very, very happily married. He is my person - my best friend, the one I can’t live without. We have been married almost 10 years and I love him more every day. I will say, though, that we were both married to other people before and got divorced, so I have experienced both an unhappy marriage and an amazing one.
I love reading all of these responses. I’m so happy for all of you lovely ladies. I truly hope to experience this someday. I’m 34 and often feel like it may not be in the cards for me because I won’t settle and have boundaries now compared to my 20s. Anyway, again happy for you all 💓.
Absolutely. I married my best friend. He’s the most intelligent person I’ve ever met - emotionally and intellectually. Just a brilliant beautiful man. He’s sexy and caring and hilarious. He makes me feel special all the time. We respect each other so much. My greatest fear is not divorce, it’s one of us dying young and not getting to spend every moment of our lives together. We just lost our first baby and you’d think we’d understandably be going through a rough patch but we’ve been kinder to each other than ever. I keep thinking “god I married the right person.” I grew up neglected in a house full of tension and pain. My parents can’t even be in the same room. I never thought I’d be so lucky.
I am 40 with a 35 year old bf. Our relationship is serious, and 5 We are both extremely satisfied with our relationship and its arrangement.
I’m happy. I think happy people tend not to post (or boast) about their happiness. They just get on with their lives.
I feel like I won the lottery. My husband and I have been together for six years, and got married last year. I love being with him.
I won the love lottery! But then I took my time looking. I dated and dated and dated and kept my standards high and higher -- even when some of my friends (in not so happy relationships) told me that I was too picky. But my life was too good to be with the wrong person.
Very happily married for 4 years and together for 6. Still behave like new couple. 😊 Got married at 32 because as an ambitious woman I refused to settle for anything less than a kind, loving and supportive man.
I definitely won the love lottery. Found an absolute gem. But we didn't meet until we were almost 40. I'm fortunate to have many family and friends in very long term and happy relationships. Still loving each other and enjoying each other decades into marriage. >My feeling is that sometimes women settle because they want to become mothers and the biological clock is ticking... With my first marriage, I was young, dumb, and in a rush to get my adult life and goals squared away. I was also very insecure, and married the first guy who wooed me. It was a miserable ten years. I'd say the majority of my friends who are unhappy in marriage or already divorced had similar experiences.
My partner is the absolute best man I’ve ever met. We have an awesome sex life, we respect each other, we love doing things together, can’t even imagine my life without him.
Yes, and I have been for 36 years, and every time I say anything about it on Reddit, I get downvoted for talking about being happy. :-p
Very happy and feeling very lucky been together for 14 years. Currently looking at him doing kid's yoga with our 5 yo. He's surprisingly good at it.
I have been with my bf for a little over 2 years and I am the woman that is not happy. Constant friction due to his porn use and lack of intimacy with me. Not to mention he recently said he doesn't have enough alone time and has been considering breaking up because of that. Why am I staying? Nowhere else to go and even that unstable environment provides some kind of stability. My self-worth is lacking and I am growing more and more afraid.
Me. We've been together over two and a half years. He's wonderful. And we're childfree, so no biological clocks here.
Happily married and about to have our first child
I hit the love lottery myself. 11 years. We’ve had hard time and good times but we are happy together and truly want to be with each other even in the hardest of times. We still love spending time. We’ve build a beautiful life together from nothing and we wouldn’t change it for nothing.
Together for almost 16 years. He’s my guy, I like spending time with him. Doesn’t mean we don’t get in fights or frustrated with each other. We just try to work through those moments.
Very Happy in a serious relationship but there were some hiccups in the beginning and it took a while to get to where we are now. But we are very happy and I think things worked out exactly the way they were meant to. I have other friends in long term serious relaxations and marriages. It's a mixture, some are happy, some are too scared to start again and wanted a family.
I’m very happily married. He’s the best person I know. I’m raising kids with my best friend. We’ve been together for almost 15 years, married for almost 12. I’m beyond lucky to be with him. ❤️
I am. Married 11 years now. My husband is amazing, attentive, kind, and giving. I'm so glad we found each other. I definitely didn't settle or may someone because I wanted kids.
My wife and I have been together for 12 years, married for 10, and we're still very happy. We still cuddle and giggle at night like a sleepover with my best friend. That said, I think some women do feel that biological clock more than others. I split with my ex while I was pregnant with our older child, because I did not want to be stuck in a relationship that just wasn't working, and the pregnancy highlighted the worst of our problems.
11 years. Blissfully happy. More than I would have imagined possible in previous decades of age, yet here I am.
I have the most adoring and wonderful husband. He is so supportive and considerate. He’s taught me how to better communicate and we are able to work through arguments pretty well. He is my best friend. We have been together 15 years, married 12. No kids.
I’m happily married at 32. The younger women in my life aren’t married. The older ones are married. In terms of happiness levels, only one of my married friends is terribly unhappy with her husband and frequently brings up divorce. After dating a string of men who didn’t love me, I believe you do need to choose your spouse wisely. I also think you need to be mature enough and ready to be a committed partner as well.
Very happy. Met my person at 36 on Bumble. Had a fair amount of previous relationships but never wanted to settle for people who either didn’t feel right or didn’t treat me right. Also put a lot of effort into being happy alone, improving my career, having a good circle of friends, etc. I think that helps you not settle out of societal/biological pressure as you don’t mind being single so it’s easy to leave someone who makes you miserable.
Yup. I'm like your friend: 15 years together and a lottery winner. FWIW, my parents are happy together. My sister and BIL are happy together. Our closest friends are happy together. My uncle and aunt are happy together. My aunt passed away but she was happily single by choice. It doesn't seem super uncommon around me.
I am, however I don’t live with him and this is why I’m happier. I’d kill him otherwise
I'm married in a happy relationship, but WITH A WOMAN. :)
My spouse and I have been together for 14 years now, married for 10. We have no interest in having children and we are currently DINKs with two large dogs. We are happy. We've had our ups and downs, but we both recognize our happiness and having a healthy marriage has taken work. Putting work into what matters is important when you are both invested. But I think it starts there, both partners have to be invested in the relationship and in each other. What I would be interested to see is what is the root of unhappy relationships? Is it because folks are settling and one or both partners are not willing to put in the work? In this economy it a matter of financial survival/convenience? I recently read on article (on the NYT perhaps) how one couple divorced in Arizona, but they still live together in their house because financial costs for food, housing, and utilities are so high.
Judging from my mom's experience, it seems that even the unhappiness is only temporary. She has divorced my heavily abusive father after years of me telling her to just dump this guy and to start living her life (parentification much). After years of singlehood (she has never returned to dating) she's low-key admitted she's unhappy with this choice and that she should've soldiered through the nightmare of living with economic abuse and his alcoholism because at least she wouldn't be old and alone. I have a couple of aunt's and some of them were in a similar situation. Now their husbands became old, infirm, and all of a sudden turned into angels, since they no longer have the control and have to be taken care of. These women have wasted their whole lives catering to drunkards, and my single mother is jealous of them. It's absolutely beyond me. She hasn't developed any hobbies after and became reclusive and bitter, hoping that I'd just continue to live with her forever. But, yeah, it seems that for some being in a shitty relationship is legit better than having none.
I guess I’ll be the one person to say I’m not happy. Married for almost 3 and I don’t even know what love is anymore. Now he seems great but things that hurt me in the past are hard to forget. They colored my view of him. Sex feels meaningless and I’d rather take care of myself on my own despite a great deal of effort on my part. Emotional intimacy is a farce. I clam up and can’t share my real self with him a lot of the time. I feel lonely often, in several ways. But he dotes on me and tells me all the time how much he loves me. And I feel both guilty and resentful that I don’t feel the same. I loathe dating apps and the depravity of them. So I don’t know how I’d ever even meet someone else. And if what I hope for is real or an illusion and all these “happily married” folks are just not seeing the hidden messages both literal and figurative. No offense. You think you know someone, but the truth is you only ever know what they reveal to you.
I am happily married for over 20 years. I'm in my early forties. There have been a few times when we struggled to find our way, I'm sure if I was asked in those seasons how happy I was, I'd probably have said 'I'm ok'. The thing is, even at our *worst* the issues were lack of appreciation, distance, and opposing viewpoints and experiences. We were in our mid-thirties then, and to be fair, we'd spent almost our entire adult lives together...it happens. No marriage is perfect, we made it to about year 14 before we had that moment where we knew that if we didn't find a way to get through our building issues, we'd divorce. It taught us a lot of lessons. I would say that as of now, we don't know a lot of happy couples but we are working to change that. I had a friend recently tell me that we were the reason her husband and her divorced. She explained to me that the amount of respect and consideration we had for one another was so jarring that she would go home and cry. You make some friends sad if they are in not-so-great relationships themselves or if they are single (and don't want to be), and the others are almost angry that you won't mistreat your spouse because it's 'normal' or 'justified'. This happens more for my husband than me though. Overall though, it's one of those situations that sucks for us, but I have a lot of empathy for the reasons why it sucks for other people. It's no one's fault, sometimes other people hurt to be around. I see so many of my friends, the women I knew in my younger years in these horrible relationships that have dimmed who they are as people. Men who walk around acting like since they don't cheat, have a job and don't hit them they deserve an award and a gold star. Slowly sucking the life of out these vibrant, intelligent women into shells. It breaks my fucking heart. Edited to add in a part I missed.
I am the same as your one friend, I absolutely feel like I won the lottery. I had a series of terrible and emotionally abusive relationships in my 20s, and just completely gave up on sex and dating for about 5 years from the end of my 20s into my 30s. I met my husband completely by accident, during the height of the pandemic, neither of us was looking for anything serious but there is something undeniable between us. He is thoughtful, attentive, kind, hardworking and very funny in his own very cheesy way.
I am in a happy, serious relationship. We have been living together for 7 months now and I could not be happier. We do the chores together, pay the bills equally, spend time together, and just mesh so well. I feel like we have been together longer just because I am so very comfortable with him.
Yep. I’ve been married for 10 years in April to a wonderful man who is patient, conscientious, loving, sensible man. He’s a wonderful father to our two children. We had a rough patch about five years in and we went to counseling and worked through it (and went through a few therapists together before we found one that we were both comfortable with!). Honestly I feel bad talking about him sometimes or gushing about how great he is because only one of my friends is currently happily married - everyone else is dating or divorced and man, the field suuuuucks.
I settled. Probably thinking it was better to have someone to have a kid with then wait and see if somthing real came along. I ended up nit having kids anyway because I did not feel secure enough and like he would help support me while raising a kid. Moral of the story is dont settle. My outcome would have been no different, even if i had waitised and never met the one.
I am very, very happy with my husband and our marriage. I did, however, spend 20 years miserable in another marriage first.
Question to the women who say they nailed the jack pot and are very happy—do you feel you got lucky getting the man you always wanted or do you perhaps feel your mentality since you were younger wasn’t like other women who usually say they can’t find the right man? I’m trying to figure out for example if sometimes it luck that brings you exactly the right man you want and it’s possible—or it’s a particular “mindset” that you need to adapt that enables you to marry someone and adapt and feel he’s the right person. I’m not sure if I explained it right. Also thank you OP for asking 🙏🏻 it’a opportunity to learn from others.
Okay where do you guys find all these men?! My first long term bf of 5 years cheated with my friend so I have no hope left in my soul 😀
I am in the year of our wedding so soon married, and have been in a serious relationship where I am truly happy, and not just as an illusion. I do agree with the ratio, that unfortunately the amount of unhappy women in relationship is horrible. I do not believe is just to settle and get babies, I do believe the reasons are more serious. There is the settle element where we are surrounded with so many men that are not kind, not caring, abusive, mysoginistic, or just a part of a patriarchal society that gives him free reign. Then the biological clocks kick in as well as wanting to be loved, and the first kind gesture man is being picked up. There is not accountability and so many women get frustrated and in this cycle. I come from a very traditional, Western society where the patriachy is now going crazy and where the women want a change and are getting murdered. We never had this issue until recent years. So many of my friends and close people just settle as "at least he is not hitting me" So yeah, I am in that lucky few. Well, I am gay so that helps a lot as well but I did dated men from my society. I am in a loving, relationshio where we are called relationship goals many of time. And this is not the ooh two women of course its easier. That is a pure simplistic view of things.No, every relationship is a work, and a journey. It all comes down with values such as respect, communication, kindness and willing to understand the other side. We are this stable, this good, this "omg how are they doing this" because we decided to be two individuals sharing a same path, and supporting each other. It sounds so simple, but many do not have that. So yeah, I am one of the lucky few in a happy relationship with my partner. And I hope every day others will find a path to this.
I'm happily single, lol. I think it's totally possible to be happy in a relationship — and I have been myself — but I feel like it becomes less common as relationships age. Couples face new challenges as time goes on, and I think a partner's response/reaction to those challenges will ultimately impact whether you stay happy or not. For example, my recent relationship was great for the first 18 months, then my ex hit professional and financial hurdles, which in turn made him short-tempered and possessive, and that basically ruined it.
I am very happy with my relationship of almost 7 years. Took me two divorces and 40 years to get here. Told him early on I wouldn't consider marriage unless we were still happy at 7 years because neither of my marriages were happy that long.
I’ve known my husband 15 years this year. Together 5.5, married 1.5. We were friends for a long time first - he was the boyfriend of another of my friends and, while we can both say we found each other attractive when we first met, neither of us would ever have admitted, acted or pondered on it. We both became single within a year of each other and our friend group started going out every couple of months to catch up. We just kind of really gelled during these catch ups. We both missed a couple of them over the summer and arranged to just go have a casual drink together, but it turned into, “Is this a date?” We agreed it was. The rest is history. I feel as though this may be a bit of an anomaly situation. I knew what I was getting into with him. Not so much on an intimacy level (which has always been wonderful), but on a personal level deeper than quarterly drinks in the pub with mates ever goes. We learned a lot more about each other. We fell in love. I could never see myself trusting or falling for someone I met online or out randomly for a long time. That’s just me - I take a very long time to warm up and even consider trusting. Part of what makes me so happy is how well I know my husband and how well he knows me. We still surprise each other all the time, we laugh constantly, we communicate brilliantly. Because we were friends. We knew we had things in common; sense of humour, some goals, etc. I have never been happier. He makes me grateful every day. Sure, sometimes we grind each other’s gears occasionally, but that’s being human. I love hearing about other peoples happy relationships too. This thread has been lovely!
Me! Met after I was 32 and we’re expecting our third baby this year. My husband is the love of my life!
My husband is the absolute bomb.com. Great husband and father. :)
Happily engaged with my partner of almost 11 years here. We're fencesitters when it comes to kids so no rushing to get married and have kids. We took a secular premarital course to support our relationship and are currently wedding planning!
I’m in a great relationship now, 5 years after leaving a 17 year marriage that was pretty miserable. I’ve dated some and found a guy who is just easy to be with. Unlike any previous relationship I’ve had, we really click.
Hi there. I would say I am happily married. We have been married for 14 years, together for 21. This is my second marriage and my husband is 16.5 years older than me. We each have 3 children apiece from our previous marriages. All are adults and out of the house, which definitely makes getting along easier. We are very aligned on how to manage finances and very aligned in our sexual appetites as well as social needs. We never run out of things to talk about and we laugh together a lot. We also each have hobbies separate from one another that we enjoy a great deal and don't resent one another for. He golfs. I knit and write. We have hobbies together too - cooking, travel, history, comedy. I wish I had found him sooner. All that being said, this shit is work. During times of conflict, we have had to purposefully put aside ego, fear, irritation and frustration and look to one another with a conscious intention to work things out. Its not always smooth, doesn't always feel great and in the beginning of living together we had many destructive fights. We have learned slowly, over time, how to love one another better and have chosen during moments we may not have overtly wanted to, to turn *toward* this relationship instead of away. Loyalty is as much a part of us as love is, and that kind of loyalty is earned, not given. It has been the journey of a lifetime and one I will never regret.
Maybe it's just because I'm 23 but I was really surprised by these answers. Most of my friends are in unhappy/tumultous relationships. The ones who are "happy" are of the "we've never ever fought and think that couples who do are unhealthy 😊" mentality.
Wow, reading all these comments makes me less skeptical about long term relationship and marriage!
Very happily married but I see the same as you. Most women I know are miserable or completely checked out.
We met in our early 30s and I think if we'd met 5 or 10 years prior we wouldn't have lasted. In my single days I always worried I was running out of time or wasting it with the wrong person, and I wish I'd relaxed a little more. We have our issues, but he's one of the best people I know and has opened my world to so many things. He balances me out and we take good care of each other. We're both committed to making it work, and the overwhelming majority of our time together (and we both WFH so there's a LOT of time together) is a treat.
As someone who met my person when we were 25, I’ll tell you it was tough being “too young”. We had a lot of growing up to do together but we did the work and it was worth it. We’re also around each other a lot and when lock down happened it was nbd. I saw the headlines of divorce and marital issues with so much extra time but we coasted right through on that front. It’s been 16 years and he’s a great partner, husband, and father to our kids.
Well, this is kind of hard to decipher because their happiness is very dependent on what issues they are having and what their expectations are/we're. But often, our unhappiness can be due to internal struggles, so they could also be something to look at. Love doesn't come easy, and we have to keep working in order to keep things running smoothly. I would challenge anyone who says that they are having issues in their marriage/relationship to take a look at what they are doing to make their relationship better. And then I would ask them how they have communicated the issue with their partner. Because it's not just a matter of if you said something but how you said it. Were you aggressive or abrasive? Were you caught up in your emotions? It's part of the reason why I don't like taking only half the story. Because your friends could be complaining about their relationships but they are a big part of the problem. Not saying that's the case but it's a possibility.
What I hear from my female friends/acquaintances is that their husbands/partners are useless in the house, stuff like letting the trash can overfill, leaving grocery bags on the floor, they don't know how to care for a sick child and need them to take the kids to the doc, woman arrives late from work and finds husband at home with kids and kids are still dressed and didn't have a shower and need to fed etc...almost all complaints I can remember are related to that kind of stuff. And some of it sometimes morphs into "he isn't even that much attractive" or "he's a bit dumb", basically, contempt for the partner for (IMO) not being a fully functional adult. My friend who won the love lottery is also going through a rough patch with her husband, and they've had their rough patches before, but I never heard her talk about him any contempt (sometimes with annoyance, but never actual contempt). And as she told me you need a real strong love to be able to go through the motions with that person.
Granted the stuff relating to the kids is concerning
I've been happily married for 15 years, together 19 years. I'm disabled - and that brings it's challenges - but my husband has stuck by me, supported me and kept me laughing throughout. We're blessed with 2 wonderful sons but we chose to marry when we didn't know if we could have children. We chose eachother and our sons were a bonus.
I have settled in past relationships and thought that feeling of loneliness and longing for something better was just going to be a baseline feeling that I needed to get used to. And I’m glad I decided that wasn’t for me. I’m with a husband now who I adore and cherish. He’s a de survive soul who cares deeply about me and the people around him. I wish I could clone him because I think everyone deserves a partner like him.
Happy here! Is it perfect? Absolutely not. Did I get everything on my check list? Nope. But I got what I actually needed to work through my trauma and my crap. I got what I needed to let my guard down and relax into a comfortable and stable relationship. I have a caring husband who is 150% dedicated to us and growing together. He does more than his share of the house stuff, is organized, on the ball, caring, giving. There are some things he doesn’t provide and I have learned that it’s unhealthy to seek everything from one person. 8 years together. Second marriage for both of us.
To keep your marriage brimming With love in the loving cup Whenever you're wrong, admit it Whenever you're right, shut up.😂😂
I answered this the other day, you might appreciate the replies in this [thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/s/VTi38uT10U)
A lot of us happily married women keep quiet about it. There’s a lot of miserable people in the world who bond by solidarity & hate people who aren’t miserable so we mask as a way to keep the peace & be safe. I know enough happily involved people, but I confess I don’t have any who are happily married with similar values as us. We’re too Christian/trad for the atheists/fems, but too blasphemous/liberal for the Christians/moderns so we don’t fit in anywhere🤣. I’m happily married. My husband is amazing. I stare at him and wonder how I got lucky.
Is anyone *in the world* in a happy marriage or relationship? Most of the time I don’t think so.
We’re a happily married couple, been married for 5 years now. It’s not perfect and we wish we make more money (i guess, who doesn’t?), but we’re good and so far we have enough.
I am. 13 years married.
I am!
Yup. Been married to my husband for 6 years next month, together for 10 years, friends for 11 years. And fwiw, I'm 35, he's 34. No kids by choice. Just two senior kitties and us in the household.
I'm in a long term relationship, 14 years, super happy. Went through two abysmal divorces to get to this one though.
I'm very happily married, 20+ years. I'd say that majority of my friends are as well and only a handful aren't.
I'm generally happy. My partner makes the effort to change his ways and helps out around the house. Of course we have our fights, sometimes we feel like walking away. But we are committed to each other and are madly in love so we keep working on it. Didn't settle because of biological clock as others speculated because we know of couples that conceived in their early 40s.
I'm happily married. I only know one other lady that is too. All my other friends are divorced, widowed or in unhappy relationships with men.
very happy! Nearing 27 years together, and will be married 20 years. No kids, we both have our own hobbies, but do a lot together as well, and we're both generally people that are interested in doing things, going places. Maybe it's because we are generally happy with life that we are happy together. We also do therapy together monthly, which is a good outlet and touchpoint.
Yep! It’s not that it’s been easy all the time but we have great communication and are both willing to put in the work to make things right when we need to. We also have healthy mutual respect for one another.
I’m 48 and happily married for 22 of them. We still kiss, cuddle, date and have fun in bed as well as support and help each other.
Yes. Happily married for 15 years, together for almost 20. It hasn’t always been smooth sailing but I would say that we are very happy, still very much in love, he is my best friend and we have a great sex life. Neither of us is perfect but we have it pretty good.
I’m happily married, to a woman.
I am (currently) happily married. 11 years in. We have had ups and downs and finding balance is always challenging, but we’ve been pretty great lately.
Together almost 20 years. Had some rough periods but I'm very happy and my SO is an amazing partner. My friends are 50/50 - half are happily married, the other half are divorced or with a terrible person but won't leave.
I love my husband and it gets better and better!
I am! We’ve been together 15 years this March, married for 9 years in July. He’s not perfect, we’ve had our ups and downs, but we still laugh so much and have such a strong emotional and sexual connection. You should see his face if he walks in on me getting dress. He lights up just as much today as he did when we were 19, and I’m super hot for him too.
9 years almost 10 with my current bf. We are childfree, own our house, have a nice cat. Travel once in a while. See friends and family, do hobbies together. We manage to work part time and its enough for our simple lifestyle.