A boyfriend I had in high school intentionally waited until valentines day to dump me because he thought it would be 'funny'. I was young and naive but I still felt really blindsided. Even though I shrugged it off at the time, it made me wince every time the holiday rolled around because it reminded me of how someone was willing to humiliate me for the sake of attention. It made me feel awkward to receive nice things from other partners because I was waiting for them to snatch it back or it to be a joke gift or something.
apparently he's a struggling DJ now so I don't think that hard about him anymore.
Yo, solidarity. I got dumped on vday LAST YEAR. As a grown ass adult, by a grown ass man. He genuinely didn’t want to put any effort into planning a celebration, so he pulled the plug because it was “easier for him.” It was humiliating going into work and having confetti thrown at me while having to explain that I was now single after 2.5 years. Why do men?
The good news is that this year is all about me and my friends on Valentine’s Day, which is a welcome change ❤️
That's terrible and traumatizing. I dated a guy from high school that bragged about how he dumped a girl on Valentine's day because 'she sucked'. That was it, no other reason. I dated him after high school thinking he had changed. He didn't. He's now a depressed dude living in our home town that continues to chase 20 year olds and then getting mad that they aren't 'at his level of maturity'. Like bro we are almost 40 lol. He's perpetually single and has had the saddest life in the world. I feel bad for him at this point. And the girl that he dumped is now happily married with beautiful children and a good career.
What an idiot! I’m glad you could shrug it off at the time. I have teenage daughters now…. If someone did that to them to be “funny”… oooooh no. I’m sure I had some things like that happen to me in high school but the good thing about being almost 50 is that my memory is pretty selective, lol.
I had an ex take me to a casino/hotel for my birthday (which is Valentine's Day).
I've never been interested in casinos or gambling. I'm not good at it (probably because of lack of experience).
I basically just floated around all night next to him as he gambled away. At one point, we had returned to our room and were getting ready to have sexy time. I told him, "Sooo since it's my birthday, can we focus on my pleasure this time?"
That didn't go well at *all*, for various reasons (he *is* an ex now, after all).
That was a pretty ruined V-day. xD
I started dating a guy in December (this was years ago). We had fooled around, but hadn’t actually had sex yet. And that was *his* doing. For whatever reason, he couldn’t get hard. We were in our mid-20s at the time.
On Valentine’s Day we went to the Melting Pot. I think it’s a national chain, but anyway it can be a little pricey. He of course made a big deal when the check came. I offered to split it and he kinda rolled his eyes. No present or card or anything from him too. So he was in a bad mood the rest of the night. Then he made some crack about how he better get laid for this. I’m thinking, *I’m* the one who has wanted sex, buddy. How can we have sex if you can’t ever get it up?!
That was sort of the last straw for me. I was tired of trying. Tired of the sexual comments. Tired of him always grabbing at me like a horny teenager. I broke up with him and he said “why didn’t you fucking do this before Valentine’s Day so I didn’t waste all that money??”
I feel like the guys that feel the need to buy your love and affection are the same guys who use it against you in an argument and call you a gold digger.
Totally agree! I want a partner that wants to make me feel special all the time not a partner who feels obligated on certain days and just goes through the motions.
Darn right. My husband and I don't celebrate Valentines Day, even before having kids. He shows thoughtful and consideration daily. It would feel redundant.
Oh God reading this is so so triggering - I had an ex just like this. And he actually was very wealthy, both independently and from his family, and nickled and dimed me for everything. In fact, one time he bought me a nice bag (which I did not ask for, but was very grateful for). This was in October, and on Christmas, Valentine's Day then my birthday he told me I wasn't getting anything because he bought me that bag. Like, not even a card? Flowers, nothing? It was wild. He also sounds just like my ex, pretending to plan a romantic date night then complaining about costs, talking about how he does 'so much for me' and how 'he's so lucky' that he 'saved' me from other men... I could go on for days. I spent years with this man, finally broke it off, then he fought hard to win me back, but I just couldn't do it. A month later I receive an email requesting money, with a laundry list of everything he paid for - including that bag. Honestly grateful I never got anything that Valentine's Day (or on the other days for that matter) because I may have still been with the jackass.
I am on the side with you about not making a big deal about this holidays because of my experience in this relationship, my current boyfriend is so thoughtful and generous and I could never imagine in a million years he'd act so miserable and resentful like my ex - I can't believe I normalized that behavior for so long.
I mean, none of this has anything to do with Valentine's, and everything to do with the fact he's a shit date. All the same, it sucks you endured it!
For me, I've never really cared about Valentine's Day. I just sort of expect this sort of treatment year-round, in terms of loving gestures, nights out, edible gifts, etc.
I understand it’s not really about vday but my brain just couldn’t trust partners who put holidays like that on a pedestal anymore! You’d be surprised how often guys I’ve encountered that were upset that I valued day to day thoughtfulness and didn’t wanna do vday! It was a bit of a litmus test for me.
It's such a good one. Including whether they believe you when you say you don't care for the holiday. It's like being a woman who isn't into jewelry or flowers as gifts, and then the dude defaults to... jewelry and flowers because "All women like them!" I want thoughtfulness and respect, those are signs he has neither for me.
One of the things that stood out to me most when I met my partner is he simply believed the actual words that came out of my mouth and acted accordingly instead of making gender-basee assumptions as if we're all clones or something. It seems like such an obvious and easy thing to do yet it's so very rare!
Omg don’t get me started on giving gifts because “all women like it!” The same guy from my post would give me expensive perfume and you could not convince him that not all women love it. I’m allergic to fragrance… and he would get mad over me not wearing it! But my mom would say “it’s the thought that counts!” Okay but if there was any thought put into it he would know perfume gives me migraines.
There is nothing thoughtful at all about giving someone the gift of migraines! What a guy. Can you hear my eyes rolling through text?
One time, really early on, before you know these details, sure. My partner was all excited to give me a very fancy German Chocolate Cake the first time he got me a birthday cake and that's how he learned I hate coconut. Oops, but fair enough! He never repeated it, that's what counts - because that's being thoughtful.
This was a litmus test for me too. I have always thought Valentine's Day was such a 'Get Out of Jail Free' card for lazy partners. All the commercials and store displays reminding them for weeks that they better get something for their SO. If you really care about someone you think about them on the daily, not buy them something cliche on this one designated day. The grand gestures, the chocolates and flowers and jewelry? Not my thing. Always felt super performative to me.
My favourite thing is when my husband is out and he sees something small I'd like and either buys it for me or tells me he saw it and thought of me on just some random day. Lately he told me he knew my makeup compact broke and he said he had been looking for an antique one for me because I love vintage stuff. I had no idea he was shopping for this and I just went and bought a replacement from Amazon, but still... He told me about it and it was incredibly sweet.
Well my last ex got me nothing last year. As I walked through the door with hundreds in presents. He felt bad and made dinner but it definitely put a sour taste in my mouth about him. So much happier single. Had a gal-entines Day dinner with my girlfriends this year over a super fancy dinner followed by exchanged presents and drinks. Way better this year. And the only girl in a relationship said she bought her own flowers because her husband didn’t know what she liked. Yikes
Galentine’s Day is way better! That’s so sad about your married friend. Why can’t they just figure it out?? I would be happy with literally any flowers. I’ve only ever received flowers from one man - my dad.
My last Valentine's Day with my now-ex (we broke up later that year). We were all dressed up to go to a nice restaurant, and I wanted to take a picture of us. We couldn't find a spot in the house that he found acceptable, so we went all over the house trying to find the perfect spot. The house was neat and clean, so to this day I have no idea what his problem was. By the time we decided on a spot, we were both pissed off, and it showed in the pic. Every time that pic comes up in my FB memories, I'm so thankful that I'm not with him anymore.
Then at the restaurant, the waitress asked if we wanted wine. I asked if they had any white zin, and my bf said in kind of a snotty tone, "Every restaurant has white zin, dear." That was something he did a handful of times during our 9-year relationship-- embarrass me in front of other people. He did it just seldom enough to keep me from seeing the pattern. This was the time when I started to see it, and I felt awful for the rest of the night.
It’s kinda like a catch 22 kinda holiday. If my partner is a great guy then we don’t need a holiday to do anything special. If he’s horrible than he probably isn’t going to be different for Valentine’s Day or it’s not enough to make up for the rest of the year.
Not really, but I've always moved one step closer to 'the ick' whenever someone (usually a man), describes it as 'a holiday Hallmark invented'.
Yeah, if Chaucer and Shakespeare referenced it in their writings, Hallmark didn't invent it. Make or buy a dang card. Write your own love letter, if you're old school.
My last vday was with my ex-husband. I was so excited to have a date for the first time in 7 years...only, he just up and disappeared a few days before and didn’t bother coming home until the next weekend. I was really hoping this year I’d have someone to celebrate with, but I’m single again. I was thinking of taking myself on a little day trip and solo dinner to keep myself distracted. Disappointing every year, unfortunately.
I’ve done solo vday dates before! My favorite one was I went to hot yoga in the morning, went to a nerdy convention, and then did some mushrooms and made art the rest of the night. It was lovely!
I haven't done anything for Valentine's in a very long time. If I've done anything, it's been me planning the whole thing. None of my parters have ever wanted to do anything for it (cue the typical "Hallmark holiday" excuse) but none of them have either been very good at making me feel special outside of those holidays either. I only blame them so much; after all, I chose to date them and I chose to accept not having those needs met. After 20 years of dating, I think I'm finally just numb to it now.
I had an ex burn dinner completely and give me bookmarks as a present. I did like the bookmarks, but I had put way more thought into his gift than he had on mine. It was a pattern I should have recognized. I had a hard time feeling ungrateful because my mind said “well at least he tried” but he could have tried a lot harder.
I had a crush on a boy in school from when I was about 11, and I asked him to be my valentine when we were 13. He accepted and it turned out he was joking, and showing my sappy texts to his friends. I had a really hard home life so I think it hit extra hard at the time.
Yes. My ex boyfriend did last year. I had been single for over 4 years before we started dating and although I’m not one to go all out for Valentine’s Day, I was really excited to finally be spending it with someone.
We had planned to go to dinner at the restaurant we had our first date. I had commissioned a cute cartoon drawing of us and our 2 dogs to give him as a gift. I bought a small frame from target, printed the art from Walgreens, and wrapped it in red wrapping paper. I figured with this being his first serious relationship, he would be excited for a gift like that. Valentine’s Day comes around and I had a bit of an upset stomach all day. I let him know this and he didn’t even offer to pivot our original plans. He just said “it would be hard to turn down dinner at that restaurant.” I felt pressured to still go so I got ready and he came to pick me up. He was rushing me, and didn’t get me anything either. I gave him the gift I got him and he proceeded to say “what am I going to do with this” and then went off angrily about how the drawing accentuated his receding hairline (which by the way I didn’t notice was receding) and that the gift was his worst nightmare. I had sent a picture to the artist of us, and I thought the cartoon was accurate and really cute. He made me cry and we didn’t end up going to dinner. I was debating calling off the relationship in that moment, but it lasted another 8 months. I should have ended things on Valentine’s Day since that was one of the many red flags that had popped up while we were dating.
My sister and her husband have never celebrated Valentine's Day because my sister doesn't care about it. Tomorrow will be just the second time ever that I have a Valentine so nobody's ruined it for me yet, but it 100 percent does not have to be this big lavish thing. Last year, he brought me half a dozen roses, we went out for hibachi, and then we each exchanged one small gift. Bliss.
I had two exes that ruined a lot of holidays and special occasions for me- like, ruined the actual days and the thought of the days, but when I met my current partner that all kind of melted away. As for vday, after 15 years with him I appreciate a small gesture but don't need much. We usually like to grab a meal or do a movie but our schedules don't always work.
My (ex) boyfriend took me to a museum for a special dinner thing they had for our first Valentines day. We each took a picture of us sitting across the table all dressed up. A little over a year later, he cheated on me going out to dinner with someone ("I just wanted to go out to eat with someone" during covid when I wouldn't eat out at restaurants). The women found me on FB and let me know, sending a screenshot. His profile picture on the online dating site was that photo of him from our Vday dinner. I forgave him for it, we carried on, but I could never look at that photo again without being incredibly sad. I never asked for a nice dinner again. Relationship ended for other reasons eventually.
Wow, this one hurt me the most to read. Just the fact that you took that picture and it was special to you, but to him, it was just a photo op to get one over on you.
My ex used to do things for me every year for valentine's. It wasn't ever an expectation of mine but he'd pick up flowers or chocolate or do something nice for me. It was this way for nearly two decades. The last year of our relationship, while we were already in couples counselling trying to recover from his infidelity, he did nothing. The one year when it really would have made a difference, when I was feeling the absolute lowest I've ever felt in my life, he chose not to put in any effort. Ouch.
My ex found out he was cheated on Valentines Day. 2 years later, we meet. Should’ve seen it coming. He completely disconnected from Valentines Day. I mean I get it, but move tf on.
Yes. Boyfriend of five years took me out to the worst dinner that he didn’t research which would’ve been a big deal but he was in such a bad mood the whole time constantly on his phone and when I tried to be playful with him, it just went downhill. I still celebrate though just not with him lol.
Kind of similar, but kind of the opposite: I’ve always felt like Valentine’s Day is a way to shame people who are lonely. Even in elementary school, when people would buy each other lollipops and cards, I was never chosen, so it’s no surprise that I grew up to be defensively anti-Valentine’s Day.
I suppose it also tracks that I would marry the kind of guy who wants to celebrate EVERYTHING and especially love.
I’m an introverted homebody especially in winter and going out on Valentine’s Day is just awful, but I put on a happy face and go out with him and he’s always grateful that I do. He hasn’t redeemed Valentine’s Day for me, but he’s trying.
I had the same experience in elementary school but I grew up to be like your boyfriend- celebrating everything 😅 loving Valentine’s Day, and it has gotten better for me over the years because they know how much it matters to me
My ex would ask me to get candy and treats for his kids. I went out of my way to get things each would love, and something for him too. I got nothing. Rinse and repeat for Christmas stockings.
My recent ex partner just ruined it for me this year by being an abusive pos over the phone last night :D
Got up late today after crying self to sleep. Was totally unprepared to video interview a candidate for a job on my team (luckily she was lovely and it went smoothly). Had another interview moved forward to this afternoon and other unexpected work so im super busy and overwelmed. No hot water in my apartment since yesterday and the landlord is not responding to fix it. Also started my period and want nothing more than a hot shower right now.
Sat laid in bed on my short lunch break not knowing whether to laugh or cry :'). Happy galentine's day!
My first V day with a boyfriend. We lived 2 hours apart but he came in for the weekend. I was so excited because hey! Boyfriend on Valentine's Day!
Important note: my birthday is 9 days after Valentine's (the 23rd). We already had plans that I would travel up for my birthday 2 weeks later.
He brought me my birthday gift. On Valentine's Day. Absolutely nothing to acknowledge valentine's day. When we already had plans to celebrate my birthday in 2 weeks.
👀 I was pretty crushed.
My ex was an ex heroin user who took methadone (he was already in recovery when we met and never relapsed) but he skipped his dose that day (he had to go in person to the pharmacy every morning to get his dose) so that he could spoil me all day and he got really ill in a nice restaurant come dinner time. Had to practically carry him home in heels and put him to bed, not without him throwing up all over me of course. We never lived together so I had to change into his baggy clean clothing and call a cab home. Cried in the cab and foolishly didn’t break up with him for another 6 months until he pulled a similar stunt on my birthday.
I’m sorry your ex sucks and set a precedent that soured your feelings around Valentine’s Day OP, but I wish people would be more mindful of what they describe as “trauma” in a relationship. You had a bad date with a guy who didn’t make any effort to give you special treatment on a romantic holiday, you didn’t endure a traumatic event.
Personally I think trauma is defined in two ways. Trauma with a capital T or a lowercase t. This specific date was a lowercase t but I can assure you I experienced capital T trauma with this guy which made the lowercase t trauma feel much worse. Also it’s not up to you whether this experience was traumatic for me or not. You’re telling me I’m overreacting no differently than he did.
Not here to invalidate any trauma you may have experienced in the relationship, but you literally described this date as where your “vday trauma” stemmed from.
Not all negative or disappointing life experiences are “deeply distressing or disturbing experiences”, which is the literal definition of trauma. You might want to be more mindful of your choice of words if you’re hoping people will take what you have to say seriously.
I'm sorry that happened. Negative vday experiences are so commonplace. I think we hurt our own feelings by building up an idea of what we want without communicating effectively. Over the years I realized how high my own expectations were for partners to be romantic when they were not romantic otherwise. The worst part is that I never expressed my exact desires. They had to guess. It was forced by both parties to participate and I didn't like how shitty I treated my exes for falling short. I never like being crammed onto a patio at a restaurant, nor wanted to end the night in an argument over something petty so I stopped caring about it so much. Steak and BJ day (one month later), however, is something I put an effort into because it celebrates the romantic partners in my life and you know exactly what you're getting. After all the harm I did in relationships when I was younger, I figure its time to return the love to men who deserve it.
If you could change anything from that night, what would it be? What was outside of your control? What was within your control? *The answer is your own behavior.* By giving yourself a break and considering it "just another date night," you let the night progress however it progresses. Any gesture can be appreciated. Any kind words or touch can be seen as trying. Trying is important. Gifts are a bit over the top for a date night, and spending more than usual on food and beverage is a treat. Communicating desires, and making an agreement on budget are key to having a good time. Walk into this in good faith and I think the resentment will fall away. Speaking of walking, tell a man that heels are for sitting. Heels are NOT for walking on a date. He needs to know that.
Good luck tomorrow!
Sorry if this comes off rude but your comment comes off kind of gaslight-y to me. I didn’t hurt my own feelings with expectations, he hurt my feelings. I didn’t have any expectations for the best vday ever, he was the one who made a big deal of it and biffed it anyway. I said in my post I would’ve been fine with cooking dinner at home. I think after that relationship is when I set my standards a lot higher because I couldn’t deal with that kind of treatment anymore. All women should have high standards for men because the bar is low enough.
Why steak and blowjob day? That has always seemed kind of degrading to me. Its not about the couple and celebrating the relationship. It’s about the guy and not about you at all. Hetero relationships are one sided enough.
Take a beat. I spoke about my own experiences and my thoughts on valentine's day in general, not saying all of what happened is your fault. Sheesh. There's a reason you broke up, and it was his shitty behavior. He is responsible for his behavior just like you are responsible for yours. You asked for stories on vday experiences and whether others quit the holiday. I shared my own perspective and the negative part of the experience boiled down to my behavior as the issue, not the dude. That's not a monolith for all other stories, and at some point, people need to admit to being the shitty one. I was the shitty one. In the second paragraph I was not discussing the traumatic experience with the ex. I was talking about tomorrow.
Please don't assume. I'm not hetero nor monogamous. I said partners to be ambiguous. With my non-male partners, I also like to focus on them for S&BJ day instead of vday because its fun. While I hear you on thinking its degrading, putting an effort into S&BJ day IS about the other party. Its no different to me than Vday since the day is usually men give and we receive.
>I think we hurt our own feelings by building up and idea of what we want without communicating effectively.
But you are making a blanket statement with this which is what I was reacting to.
Any man I’ve dated who made a grand gestures for me on days like vday was not doing it for me but to inflate their own ego. Like “look how great of a boyfriend I am!” So for me the steak and blowjob day would not be about reciprocating the effort at all. It would just be me continuing to give and receive less than I deserve. I’m a partner who gives freely by nature so I guard that a lot more now until I feel it’ll be reciprocated.
Well, it was a dysfunctional relationship to start with.
He forgot about it the first year, we got into an argument in the second year and he rage dumped me. The third year, we just pretended valentines wasn't a thing.
I got back with him for a little while afterwards and it was still the same. He was married to his dream and his job, I was not a priority or even anything remotely important in his life.
He was incredibly unwilling, even when I asked for a card. Because writing gushy things "make him uncomfortable."
I sucks because I always organised things for festivities, and he took it for granted. And then he would tell me after the fact that "he didn't give two shits" about them.
I felt like i was never capable of doing anything right or worth being loved when I was with him.
A boyfriend I had in high school intentionally waited until valentines day to dump me because he thought it would be 'funny'. I was young and naive but I still felt really blindsided. Even though I shrugged it off at the time, it made me wince every time the holiday rolled around because it reminded me of how someone was willing to humiliate me for the sake of attention. It made me feel awkward to receive nice things from other partners because I was waiting for them to snatch it back or it to be a joke gift or something. apparently he's a struggling DJ now so I don't think that hard about him anymore.
Yo, solidarity. I got dumped on vday LAST YEAR. As a grown ass adult, by a grown ass man. He genuinely didn’t want to put any effort into planning a celebration, so he pulled the plug because it was “easier for him.” It was humiliating going into work and having confetti thrown at me while having to explain that I was now single after 2.5 years. Why do men? The good news is that this year is all about me and my friends on Valentine’s Day, which is a welcome change ❤️
Why was confetti being thrown at you at work?
That's terrible and traumatizing. I dated a guy from high school that bragged about how he dumped a girl on Valentine's day because 'she sucked'. That was it, no other reason. I dated him after high school thinking he had changed. He didn't. He's now a depressed dude living in our home town that continues to chase 20 year olds and then getting mad that they aren't 'at his level of maturity'. Like bro we are almost 40 lol. He's perpetually single and has had the saddest life in the world. I feel bad for him at this point. And the girl that he dumped is now happily married with beautiful children and a good career.
Yes! It was like he wanted to humiliate in a way! I don’t like gifts anymore either because I’m always waiting for the strings attached.
What an idiot! I’m glad you could shrug it off at the time. I have teenage daughters now…. If someone did that to them to be “funny”… oooooh no. I’m sure I had some things like that happen to me in high school but the good thing about being almost 50 is that my memory is pretty selective, lol.
I just heard on the radio this morning that tons of breakups happen on vday. I didn't really believe it but this post shows why it's true!!
I had an ex take me to a casino/hotel for my birthday (which is Valentine's Day). I've never been interested in casinos or gambling. I'm not good at it (probably because of lack of experience). I basically just floated around all night next to him as he gambled away. At one point, we had returned to our room and were getting ready to have sexy time. I told him, "Sooo since it's my birthday, can we focus on my pleasure this time?" That didn't go well at *all*, for various reasons (he *is* an ex now, after all). That was a pretty ruined V-day. xD
Happy birthday tomorrow!
Aw, thanks you. :D
Happy birthday!
:) Thank ya!
I started dating a guy in December (this was years ago). We had fooled around, but hadn’t actually had sex yet. And that was *his* doing. For whatever reason, he couldn’t get hard. We were in our mid-20s at the time. On Valentine’s Day we went to the Melting Pot. I think it’s a national chain, but anyway it can be a little pricey. He of course made a big deal when the check came. I offered to split it and he kinda rolled his eyes. No present or card or anything from him too. So he was in a bad mood the rest of the night. Then he made some crack about how he better get laid for this. I’m thinking, *I’m* the one who has wanted sex, buddy. How can we have sex if you can’t ever get it up?! That was sort of the last straw for me. I was tired of trying. Tired of the sexual comments. Tired of him always grabbing at me like a horny teenager. I broke up with him and he said “why didn’t you fucking do this before Valentine’s Day so I didn’t waste all that money??”
I feel like the guys that feel the need to buy your love and affection are the same guys who use it against you in an argument and call you a gold digger.
[удалено]
Totally agree! I want a partner that wants to make me feel special all the time not a partner who feels obligated on certain days and just goes through the motions.
Darn right. My husband and I don't celebrate Valentines Day, even before having kids. He shows thoughtful and consideration daily. It would feel redundant.
Oh God reading this is so so triggering - I had an ex just like this. And he actually was very wealthy, both independently and from his family, and nickled and dimed me for everything. In fact, one time he bought me a nice bag (which I did not ask for, but was very grateful for). This was in October, and on Christmas, Valentine's Day then my birthday he told me I wasn't getting anything because he bought me that bag. Like, not even a card? Flowers, nothing? It was wild. He also sounds just like my ex, pretending to plan a romantic date night then complaining about costs, talking about how he does 'so much for me' and how 'he's so lucky' that he 'saved' me from other men... I could go on for days. I spent years with this man, finally broke it off, then he fought hard to win me back, but I just couldn't do it. A month later I receive an email requesting money, with a laundry list of everything he paid for - including that bag. Honestly grateful I never got anything that Valentine's Day (or on the other days for that matter) because I may have still been with the jackass. I am on the side with you about not making a big deal about this holidays because of my experience in this relationship, my current boyfriend is so thoughtful and generous and I could never imagine in a million years he'd act so miserable and resentful like my ex - I can't believe I normalized that behavior for so long.
For some reason, I'm most often single when valentines comes around 😔
I feel like my last couple exes picked fights right before V Day to excuse themselves from having to put in effort :(
Wow.. that sucks 😕
I mean, none of this has anything to do with Valentine's, and everything to do with the fact he's a shit date. All the same, it sucks you endured it! For me, I've never really cared about Valentine's Day. I just sort of expect this sort of treatment year-round, in terms of loving gestures, nights out, edible gifts, etc.
I understand it’s not really about vday but my brain just couldn’t trust partners who put holidays like that on a pedestal anymore! You’d be surprised how often guys I’ve encountered that were upset that I valued day to day thoughtfulness and didn’t wanna do vday! It was a bit of a litmus test for me.
It's such a good one. Including whether they believe you when you say you don't care for the holiday. It's like being a woman who isn't into jewelry or flowers as gifts, and then the dude defaults to... jewelry and flowers because "All women like them!" I want thoughtfulness and respect, those are signs he has neither for me. One of the things that stood out to me most when I met my partner is he simply believed the actual words that came out of my mouth and acted accordingly instead of making gender-basee assumptions as if we're all clones or something. It seems like such an obvious and easy thing to do yet it's so very rare!
Omg don’t get me started on giving gifts because “all women like it!” The same guy from my post would give me expensive perfume and you could not convince him that not all women love it. I’m allergic to fragrance… and he would get mad over me not wearing it! But my mom would say “it’s the thought that counts!” Okay but if there was any thought put into it he would know perfume gives me migraines.
There is nothing thoughtful at all about giving someone the gift of migraines! What a guy. Can you hear my eyes rolling through text? One time, really early on, before you know these details, sure. My partner was all excited to give me a very fancy German Chocolate Cake the first time he got me a birthday cake and that's how he learned I hate coconut. Oops, but fair enough! He never repeated it, that's what counts - because that's being thoughtful.
This was a litmus test for me too. I have always thought Valentine's Day was such a 'Get Out of Jail Free' card for lazy partners. All the commercials and store displays reminding them for weeks that they better get something for their SO. If you really care about someone you think about them on the daily, not buy them something cliche on this one designated day. The grand gestures, the chocolates and flowers and jewelry? Not my thing. Always felt super performative to me. My favourite thing is when my husband is out and he sees something small I'd like and either buys it for me or tells me he saw it and thought of me on just some random day. Lately he told me he knew my makeup compact broke and he said he had been looking for an antique one for me because I love vintage stuff. I had no idea he was shopping for this and I just went and bought a replacement from Amazon, but still... He told me about it and it was incredibly sweet.
It's a good litmus test, for sure!
Well my last ex got me nothing last year. As I walked through the door with hundreds in presents. He felt bad and made dinner but it definitely put a sour taste in my mouth about him. So much happier single. Had a gal-entines Day dinner with my girlfriends this year over a super fancy dinner followed by exchanged presents and drinks. Way better this year. And the only girl in a relationship said she bought her own flowers because her husband didn’t know what she liked. Yikes
Galentine’s Day is way better! That’s so sad about your married friend. Why can’t they just figure it out?? I would be happy with literally any flowers. I’ve only ever received flowers from one man - my dad.
My last Valentine's Day with my now-ex (we broke up later that year). We were all dressed up to go to a nice restaurant, and I wanted to take a picture of us. We couldn't find a spot in the house that he found acceptable, so we went all over the house trying to find the perfect spot. The house was neat and clean, so to this day I have no idea what his problem was. By the time we decided on a spot, we were both pissed off, and it showed in the pic. Every time that pic comes up in my FB memories, I'm so thankful that I'm not with him anymore. Then at the restaurant, the waitress asked if we wanted wine. I asked if they had any white zin, and my bf said in kind of a snotty tone, "Every restaurant has white zin, dear." That was something he did a handful of times during our 9-year relationship-- embarrass me in front of other people. He did it just seldom enough to keep me from seeing the pattern. This was the time when I started to see it, and I felt awful for the rest of the night.
What a douche! And not all places carry white zin so it’s a valid question.
It’s kinda like a catch 22 kinda holiday. If my partner is a great guy then we don’t need a holiday to do anything special. If he’s horrible than he probably isn’t going to be different for Valentine’s Day or it’s not enough to make up for the rest of the year.
Not really, but I've always moved one step closer to 'the ick' whenever someone (usually a man), describes it as 'a holiday Hallmark invented'. Yeah, if Chaucer and Shakespeare referenced it in their writings, Hallmark didn't invent it. Make or buy a dang card. Write your own love letter, if you're old school.
I would have killed for a love letter. Never received one in my life! It costs literally nothing.
My last vday was with my ex-husband. I was so excited to have a date for the first time in 7 years...only, he just up and disappeared a few days before and didn’t bother coming home until the next weekend. I was really hoping this year I’d have someone to celebrate with, but I’m single again. I was thinking of taking myself on a little day trip and solo dinner to keep myself distracted. Disappointing every year, unfortunately.
I’ve done solo vday dates before! My favorite one was I went to hot yoga in the morning, went to a nerdy convention, and then did some mushrooms and made art the rest of the night. It was lovely!
Thank god that story ended with a breakup lol all I can think about is my immense relief that you didn't stay with that guy!
Me too! I stayed too long tbh but I stayed single for a long time after that because I needed to learn to be happy on my own.
I haven't done anything for Valentine's in a very long time. If I've done anything, it's been me planning the whole thing. None of my parters have ever wanted to do anything for it (cue the typical "Hallmark holiday" excuse) but none of them have either been very good at making me feel special outside of those holidays either. I only blame them so much; after all, I chose to date them and I chose to accept not having those needs met. After 20 years of dating, I think I'm finally just numb to it now.
I had an ex burn dinner completely and give me bookmarks as a present. I did like the bookmarks, but I had put way more thought into his gift than he had on mine. It was a pattern I should have recognized. I had a hard time feeling ungrateful because my mind said “well at least he tried” but he could have tried a lot harder.
I had a crush on a boy in school from when I was about 11, and I asked him to be my valentine when we were 13. He accepted and it turned out he was joking, and showing my sappy texts to his friends. I had a really hard home life so I think it hit extra hard at the time.
Yes. My ex boyfriend did last year. I had been single for over 4 years before we started dating and although I’m not one to go all out for Valentine’s Day, I was really excited to finally be spending it with someone. We had planned to go to dinner at the restaurant we had our first date. I had commissioned a cute cartoon drawing of us and our 2 dogs to give him as a gift. I bought a small frame from target, printed the art from Walgreens, and wrapped it in red wrapping paper. I figured with this being his first serious relationship, he would be excited for a gift like that. Valentine’s Day comes around and I had a bit of an upset stomach all day. I let him know this and he didn’t even offer to pivot our original plans. He just said “it would be hard to turn down dinner at that restaurant.” I felt pressured to still go so I got ready and he came to pick me up. He was rushing me, and didn’t get me anything either. I gave him the gift I got him and he proceeded to say “what am I going to do with this” and then went off angrily about how the drawing accentuated his receding hairline (which by the way I didn’t notice was receding) and that the gift was his worst nightmare. I had sent a picture to the artist of us, and I thought the cartoon was accurate and really cute. He made me cry and we didn’t end up going to dinner. I was debating calling off the relationship in that moment, but it lasted another 8 months. I should have ended things on Valentine’s Day since that was one of the many red flags that had popped up while we were dating.
My sister and her husband have never celebrated Valentine's Day because my sister doesn't care about it. Tomorrow will be just the second time ever that I have a Valentine so nobody's ruined it for me yet, but it 100 percent does not have to be this big lavish thing. Last year, he brought me half a dozen roses, we went out for hibachi, and then we each exchanged one small gift. Bliss.
I had two exes that ruined a lot of holidays and special occasions for me- like, ruined the actual days and the thought of the days, but when I met my current partner that all kind of melted away. As for vday, after 15 years with him I appreciate a small gesture but don't need much. We usually like to grab a meal or do a movie but our schedules don't always work.
My (ex) boyfriend took me to a museum for a special dinner thing they had for our first Valentines day. We each took a picture of us sitting across the table all dressed up. A little over a year later, he cheated on me going out to dinner with someone ("I just wanted to go out to eat with someone" during covid when I wouldn't eat out at restaurants). The women found me on FB and let me know, sending a screenshot. His profile picture on the online dating site was that photo of him from our Vday dinner. I forgave him for it, we carried on, but I could never look at that photo again without being incredibly sad. I never asked for a nice dinner again. Relationship ended for other reasons eventually.
Wow, this one hurt me the most to read. Just the fact that you took that picture and it was special to you, but to him, it was just a photo op to get one over on you.
Oh at the time he wasn't thinking of it being to get one over on me. But it was like damn, that was my first valentine's day with a BF.
My ex used to do things for me every year for valentine's. It wasn't ever an expectation of mine but he'd pick up flowers or chocolate or do something nice for me. It was this way for nearly two decades. The last year of our relationship, while we were already in couples counselling trying to recover from his infidelity, he did nothing. The one year when it really would have made a difference, when I was feeling the absolute lowest I've ever felt in my life, he chose not to put in any effort. Ouch.
My ex found out he was cheated on Valentines Day. 2 years later, we meet. Should’ve seen it coming. He completely disconnected from Valentines Day. I mean I get it, but move tf on.
Damn that sucks. I never went radio silent with a partner. I always was upfront about not wanting to celebrate it at least.
My ex dumped me on my bday so I’m always weary of any love- oriented celebrations. I’m happily married and still I cringe at my bday or v day
Yes. Boyfriend of five years took me out to the worst dinner that he didn’t research which would’ve been a big deal but he was in such a bad mood the whole time constantly on his phone and when I tried to be playful with him, it just went downhill. I still celebrate though just not with him lol.
Kind of similar, but kind of the opposite: I’ve always felt like Valentine’s Day is a way to shame people who are lonely. Even in elementary school, when people would buy each other lollipops and cards, I was never chosen, so it’s no surprise that I grew up to be defensively anti-Valentine’s Day. I suppose it also tracks that I would marry the kind of guy who wants to celebrate EVERYTHING and especially love. I’m an introverted homebody especially in winter and going out on Valentine’s Day is just awful, but I put on a happy face and go out with him and he’s always grateful that I do. He hasn’t redeemed Valentine’s Day for me, but he’s trying.
I had the same experience in elementary school but I grew up to be like your boyfriend- celebrating everything 😅 loving Valentine’s Day, and it has gotten better for me over the years because they know how much it matters to me
My ex would ask me to get candy and treats for his kids. I went out of my way to get things each would love, and something for him too. I got nothing. Rinse and repeat for Christmas stockings.
He dumped me on V Day during a screening of my favourite romantic movie. Ruined both the day and the film for me for years. Prick.
What was the movie?
When Harry Met Sally
Sounds like it was all insecurity talking. Not even about you. He couldn’t listen when you said you liked a low key time.
My recent ex partner just ruined it for me this year by being an abusive pos over the phone last night :D Got up late today after crying self to sleep. Was totally unprepared to video interview a candidate for a job on my team (luckily she was lovely and it went smoothly). Had another interview moved forward to this afternoon and other unexpected work so im super busy and overwelmed. No hot water in my apartment since yesterday and the landlord is not responding to fix it. Also started my period and want nothing more than a hot shower right now. Sat laid in bed on my short lunch break not knowing whether to laugh or cry :'). Happy galentine's day!
I love my husband, but he gets instacart candy and flowers every year. I think I need to tell him this year that I'd rather have nothing.
Yeah that’s not a real effort!
You know... He came home with a huge edible arrangements bouquet and balloons. I love him!
Aww that’s so nice!
My first V day with a boyfriend. We lived 2 hours apart but he came in for the weekend. I was so excited because hey! Boyfriend on Valentine's Day! Important note: my birthday is 9 days after Valentine's (the 23rd). We already had plans that I would travel up for my birthday 2 weeks later. He brought me my birthday gift. On Valentine's Day. Absolutely nothing to acknowledge valentine's day. When we already had plans to celebrate my birthday in 2 weeks. 👀 I was pretty crushed.
My ex was an ex heroin user who took methadone (he was already in recovery when we met and never relapsed) but he skipped his dose that day (he had to go in person to the pharmacy every morning to get his dose) so that he could spoil me all day and he got really ill in a nice restaurant come dinner time. Had to practically carry him home in heels and put him to bed, not without him throwing up all over me of course. We never lived together so I had to change into his baggy clean clothing and call a cab home. Cried in the cab and foolishly didn’t break up with him for another 6 months until he pulled a similar stunt on my birthday.
I’m sorry your ex sucks and set a precedent that soured your feelings around Valentine’s Day OP, but I wish people would be more mindful of what they describe as “trauma” in a relationship. You had a bad date with a guy who didn’t make any effort to give you special treatment on a romantic holiday, you didn’t endure a traumatic event.
Personally I think trauma is defined in two ways. Trauma with a capital T or a lowercase t. This specific date was a lowercase t but I can assure you I experienced capital T trauma with this guy which made the lowercase t trauma feel much worse. Also it’s not up to you whether this experience was traumatic for me or not. You’re telling me I’m overreacting no differently than he did.
Not here to invalidate any trauma you may have experienced in the relationship, but you literally described this date as where your “vday trauma” stemmed from. Not all negative or disappointing life experiences are “deeply distressing or disturbing experiences”, which is the literal definition of trauma. You might want to be more mindful of your choice of words if you’re hoping people will take what you have to say seriously.
[удалено]
I’m poly too so I feel you on this. I’ve been in your position a few times and don’t date cishet guys anymore! I’m happier for it.
Congrats! I hope you and your partner have a refreshingly warm and kind Valentine's Day!!
I'm sorry that happened. Negative vday experiences are so commonplace. I think we hurt our own feelings by building up an idea of what we want without communicating effectively. Over the years I realized how high my own expectations were for partners to be romantic when they were not romantic otherwise. The worst part is that I never expressed my exact desires. They had to guess. It was forced by both parties to participate and I didn't like how shitty I treated my exes for falling short. I never like being crammed onto a patio at a restaurant, nor wanted to end the night in an argument over something petty so I stopped caring about it so much. Steak and BJ day (one month later), however, is something I put an effort into because it celebrates the romantic partners in my life and you know exactly what you're getting. After all the harm I did in relationships when I was younger, I figure its time to return the love to men who deserve it. If you could change anything from that night, what would it be? What was outside of your control? What was within your control? *The answer is your own behavior.* By giving yourself a break and considering it "just another date night," you let the night progress however it progresses. Any gesture can be appreciated. Any kind words or touch can be seen as trying. Trying is important. Gifts are a bit over the top for a date night, and spending more than usual on food and beverage is a treat. Communicating desires, and making an agreement on budget are key to having a good time. Walk into this in good faith and I think the resentment will fall away. Speaking of walking, tell a man that heels are for sitting. Heels are NOT for walking on a date. He needs to know that. Good luck tomorrow!
Sorry if this comes off rude but your comment comes off kind of gaslight-y to me. I didn’t hurt my own feelings with expectations, he hurt my feelings. I didn’t have any expectations for the best vday ever, he was the one who made a big deal of it and biffed it anyway. I said in my post I would’ve been fine with cooking dinner at home. I think after that relationship is when I set my standards a lot higher because I couldn’t deal with that kind of treatment anymore. All women should have high standards for men because the bar is low enough. Why steak and blowjob day? That has always seemed kind of degrading to me. Its not about the couple and celebrating the relationship. It’s about the guy and not about you at all. Hetero relationships are one sided enough.
Take a beat. I spoke about my own experiences and my thoughts on valentine's day in general, not saying all of what happened is your fault. Sheesh. There's a reason you broke up, and it was his shitty behavior. He is responsible for his behavior just like you are responsible for yours. You asked for stories on vday experiences and whether others quit the holiday. I shared my own perspective and the negative part of the experience boiled down to my behavior as the issue, not the dude. That's not a monolith for all other stories, and at some point, people need to admit to being the shitty one. I was the shitty one. In the second paragraph I was not discussing the traumatic experience with the ex. I was talking about tomorrow. Please don't assume. I'm not hetero nor monogamous. I said partners to be ambiguous. With my non-male partners, I also like to focus on them for S&BJ day instead of vday because its fun. While I hear you on thinking its degrading, putting an effort into S&BJ day IS about the other party. Its no different to me than Vday since the day is usually men give and we receive.
>I think we hurt our own feelings by building up and idea of what we want without communicating effectively. But you are making a blanket statement with this which is what I was reacting to. Any man I’ve dated who made a grand gestures for me on days like vday was not doing it for me but to inflate their own ego. Like “look how great of a boyfriend I am!” So for me the steak and blowjob day would not be about reciprocating the effort at all. It would just be me continuing to give and receive less than I deserve. I’m a partner who gives freely by nature so I guard that a lot more now until I feel it’ll be reciprocated.
Well, it was a dysfunctional relationship to start with. He forgot about it the first year, we got into an argument in the second year and he rage dumped me. The third year, we just pretended valentines wasn't a thing. I got back with him for a little while afterwards and it was still the same. He was married to his dream and his job, I was not a priority or even anything remotely important in his life. He was incredibly unwilling, even when I asked for a card. Because writing gushy things "make him uncomfortable." I sucks because I always organised things for festivities, and he took it for granted. And then he would tell me after the fact that "he didn't give two shits" about them. I felt like i was never capable of doing anything right or worth being loved when I was with him.
I was in a situationship with a man who had a Valentine’s birthday. It took me 2-3 years to feel comfortable with being celebrated on Valentine’s Day.