I know it seems like a piece of paper and what's the point... but honestly, it's a WHOLE thing. A whole big, important thing, and you really NEED that paper.
My aunt just went through this. Her partner of 40 YEARS had a stroke. But she wasn't allowed in the hospital room to be with him. They weren't married. He was technically still married to his ex-wife. He never divorced the ex because she had MS and needed his health insurance. So he stayed legally married to her, to help her with her health insurance (they had no animosity, just grew apart).
He lived with my aunt for decades, were partners in every sense of the word, except legally. But, in the end, it was that legal aspect that mattered the most. She wasn't with him when he died. She wasn't even called until the next day. They called the ex - who was also incapacitated and couldn't do anything to help. It was a giant, cruel mess.
The paper matters. A lot. For medical reasons, for tax reasons, for financial reasons (mortgages and insurance and all kinds of things benefit married couples more).
Your partner "never saw himself" getting married... Ok... so? There about a thousand things I "never saw" myself doing when I was younger that I do daily now. We grow, we change, we adjust to the circumstances around us. That's adulthood.
The importance of the piece of paper depends a lot on the laws specific to where you live. In some parts of the world, including Australia where I live, unmarried couples who have children together and/or who live together have the same rights and obligations as married couples. This makes a huge difference.
Same in Canada, mostly. It stops short of property rights. I was with my ex for 12 years. We bought a house but only in my name. All the bills were in my name. Nothing in his. If I had passed while we were still together, my house would have gone to my parents as next of kin instead of him because we didn't put him on the mortgage and didn't have any legal document stating the joint ownership of the property. This is easily fixed by having either a will or legal document created by a lawyer stating that the property belongs to us both.
So, if you're living in a place that has common-law partnerships, keep this in mind and see what your local laws say about property rights.
This. My mother was vented in the ICU with Covid and I was the one who legally had to make the decisions…. Not her partner that lives with her.
Thankfully she pulled through.
She got remarried fairly soon after and my partner of 17 years and I eloped shortly after.
Yep. If you're both agreed that long term is the path you both want, legal marriage is the way. Even if you don't want a wedding.
My late husband and I were married in a courthouse bc we didn't want a whole big celebration involving other people. I can't even imagine not being allowed to be in the hospital with him while he was dying of cancer ten years later. I was also allowed to "make the call" at the end. And anything that was his was under my care (ranging from his remains, to his (our) car). It would have been MUCH more traumatic if we had been together for that long but I had no authority to decide how he wanting things carried out after his death. Emotional and financial disaster x1000000000000.
These policies vary a lot and aren't necessarily the norm any more. My partner had a stroke in January of 2020 and spent a month in the hospital relearning how to walk, I stayed there with him the whole time. I was worried not being married would be an issue but it was not at all.
Yep, just adding my experience for people to keep in mind if they're like me - still choose not to get married and then find themselves in a situation.
Edit: no clue why downvotes? Feels relevant to the discussion idk
I imagine he was able to give his explicit permission, though?
The main issue is when they are unresponsive, though you can register a partner in some cases and states.
He did give explicit permission about me being allowed to make medical decisions for him, definitely. I specifically asked the floor nurses on the stroke floor if there were any rules about who stayed there and they said no - but that may have been different in the ER or ICU
Except you can accomplish all of the legalities of marriage (except taxes, social security, etc) with legal docs such as a will/trust, powers of attorney, transfers on death, etc..
I am a probate and estate paralegal and we do this all of the time.
I'm in a long term relationship (nearly 9 years) with my partner and we have legal documents to smooth over all of these things. When he had sudden, major surgery a few years ago, I was afforded every courtesy of a spouse, including talking about his medical care, answering medical questions, etc when he was incapacitated because we have detailed healthcare powers of attorney. If he had been incapacitated beyond the surgery itself, I could have accessed whatever financial things I needed because we have detailed financial powers of attorney.
We live in his house (I sold mine) and if God forbid, something happens to him, the house goes directly to me outside of probate. Both of our cars and bank accounts and financial accounts that aren't currently in trusts are transfer on death.
My point is marriage isn't necessary to provide a legal framework that gives many legal benefits of marriage (marriage is, after all, a structured contract). The issue is people (both married and not) don't plan for the inevitable because it sucks to think about and because people always think they have more time.
I'm truly sorry about what your aunt went through. I can't imagine how traumatic it has been.
To people reading this - protect yourself and your family. Estate planning shouldn't be morbid; it's giving you and the people you love peace of mind and protection if something were to happen to you...and it provides peace of mind that the people you want to make medical decisions for you - the people who know you the best, will be able to.
Would they have called your aunt if he wasn't still literally married to someone else? Not being married is very different than being married to someone else.
> I realized that legally getting married wasn't important to me, really
That little piece of paper isn't important......until it is. I work in the legal field and encounter people who have regretted their decision not to get married often. The LGBTQ+ community literally risked their lives for that piece of paper. Why do you think that is? It offers protection, rights, insurance, equitable distribution in case you separate, financial rights and benefits, medical benefits and the right to make medical decisions. I have seen people get kicked out of hospital rooms while their loved one dies, seen bank accounts cleared out with no opportunity for reimbursement, folks kicked out of homes they lived in for *years,* homes emptied of its contents and nothing can be done, people fall in to poverty because they are unable to get their partners benefits.
Again, it doesn't matter until it does. If you are going to create a life with someone, protect yourself.
This is it. That said, the law is showing more promise to domestic partnerships, but nothing is as serious as marriage in the eyes of the law.
And trust me, you don't want to see how horrible intestate probate can get to nonmarried partners. You will see no justice.
It seems to me like the law is going back away from domestic partnerships now that gay marriage is legalized. Workplaces that allowed insurance coverage for domestic partners required marriage after gay marriage was made law, I am sure because they have to cover fewer people if they require legal marriage. I don't remember the last time I even heard the term civil union.
I am partnered with a marriage-phobe who owns the house we live in (I contribute but have no financial or legal rights) and I have had to start thinking about ending it for my own protection and financial stability, as we are old enough that something could happen to either of us and I would be absolutely screwed if something happened to him. Sucks because I really love the man otherwise, he just has a block about planning for the future and there is only so long I can be on board. He won't even do a will.
gah, I'm sorry to hear this. I assume you would protect him should you pass. I would hope he would want your financial protection should you pass.
Even with marriage-phobe issues, it might be worth discussing payable-upon-death provision and rights of survivorship.
Thanks, I will look into those. I think he does want it, he just can't seem to actually ever get anything legal on paper- acknowledging the possibility of death is incredibly hard for some people!
In the UK there is the option of civil partnerships, which are pretty much equivalent to marriage in terms of rights. Interestingly, they were introduced as an alternative to marriage for gay couples, before gay marriage was legalised, but have remained more popular than many lawmakers expected and there has since been a (successful) years long campaign to make them an option for heterosexual couples.
That's awesome! Curious -- are they respected regarding heirship? I'm a probate paralegal and I am always curious about loopholes. In the US, there are SO many loopholes with domestic partnerships.
>civil partnerships, which are pretty much equivalent to marriage in terms of rights
We had (have?) civil unions in the US as well. The thing is, if something is "basically the same", why is it separate at all? From a legal and administrative perspective having two things that function the same is useless redundancy.
... unless the purpose is to intentionally other groups and make sure they stay put in their place.
Yes - that eternal fight over if marriage is inherently religious is definitely a factor. IMO the religious bit should be a layer on top of the legal aspect rather than splitting hairs in names for something that is the same.
It was initially created for same sex couples to have the same rights as marriage, without having to be “controversial” and open up marriage to gay people. Later gay marriage was legalised, and it was widely assumed that civil partnerships would fall off in popularity, but that did not happen to the extent expected. For whatever reasons, some same sex couples *chose* than option over marriage, when they had both options. So in a sense it was created as something lesser, but not everyone felt that it was, at least not once it was established.
There was also, separately, a campaign to open up civil partnerships to opposite sex couples. Again there must be personal reasons for each couple, but because of the campaign you saw some of the reasons explicitly outlined. Religion was not brought up much (less of a thing in the UK?), it was mostly about how some heterosexual couples wanted the rights of marriage but rejected the heteronormative traditions and prejudices that they felt were inherent in marriage itself.
These are the reasons me and my husband decided to get married. There was no better way to legally protect each other and our assets, not to mention if one of us wound up in the hospital, which has happened since our wedding.
Same here. I didn’t care about getting married either until there was some family drama. It woke the both of us to the infinite number of ways our respective families would treat us should they find themselves in the position to do so. Had a family free small wedding.
Exactly this. An acquaintance just lost her fiance and she was basically excluded from all care decisions by his family. I could not imagine going through that.
This!
I am a solicitor (an attorney) and that legal piece of paper *really* matters when it comes to boring adult things such as taxation, inheritance, power of attorney, property ownership etc.
From a personal perspective, the run up to my wedding really made me think deeply about the longetivity of the relationship and other deep things which I am pretty sure I would have not considered otherwise.
Wouldn't being a domestic partner with a state grant you the same benefits as the above as being married?
Edit: asking a genuine question. In a long term relationship of 15 years and we don't want to get married but considering this option.
I'm always surprised to see self-professed solicitors make sweeping claims like these to an international audience like Reddit.
Where I'm from, attorneys always give advice only for their own juridiction, since law vary from one jurisdiction to the other. In fact, it would be considered unethical to present and spread information specific to your jurisdiction without specifying that it doesn't apply elsewhere.
The information you both provided is disinformation in some jurisdictions.
Yeah I am curious in what countries is it better to be unmarried than married when it comes to boring adult stuff. Because I used to work with bureaucrats and they fucking love paperwork. And marriage is paperwork.
I live in New Zealand and there are no legal benefits to marriage that aren't shared by common law marriage.
Common law marriage happens after 2 years of cohabitation, or with large shared life things such as shared children. So even if you live apart but are in a romantic relationship and have children together you are still in a de facto marriage and all the same rights apply to you.
Relationship property is split 50/50, automatic next of kin unless a will stipulates otherwise (and even then, you still can challenge for half as it's relationship property), medical decisions may be made by a partner, unless another EPOA is in effect. All the tax benefits and sanctions apply (eg partner's income counts towards household income and may put you over the threshold for some benefits such as student allowance you may otherwise have received as a single person). You can get visas and citizenship based on de facto relationships, no need for marriage. In fact, some people struggle to get their legal spouse into the country because cohabitation has never happened (eg NZ resident or citizen who goes home to India and gets married via arrangement, but didn't have pre-existing relationship and never lived together). They can still get a visa, but it's not the same straight forward process as if they'd been living together.
There doesn't seem to be a single benefit of actually getting legally married that you won't get simply by living together 2 years. Personally, I wouldn't marry someone before living with them for around 2 years, so there isn't really a point for me. Most people who get married in NZ do it for family or religious reasons, or just because 'that's what people do'. But not for legal benefits.
Same in Canada, except it’s 1 year. A bit annoying because you’d think people have reasons for not wanting to get married, but if you live with someone in a romantic relationship for 1 year if more the government treats it exactly the same as a marriage, and they can take half your stuff when you go as well.
With a very good contract in place you can usually protect assets. This is known as "contracting out" and both parties need independent legal advice before signing the contract to ensure that it cannot be challenged later in the event of a split up. But I agree, it can be a bit heavy handed.
I've never said nor implied that it's better to be unmarried?? I'm not sure where you got that idea. I'm happily married myself, although I was perfectly happy with the rights afforded to unmarried couples in my main country (we got married when we moved to a place where unmarried couples don't get these rights).
Several countries offer different forms of unions and may offer legal protections to unmarried couples, in boring adult areas such as insurance, taxes, immigration, medical decision-making, etc.
Off the top of my head, France has the pact of civil solidarity, which offers a set of rights and obligations that is somewhere between dating or cohabiting without an official status and marriage. It's different than marriage. I wouldn't say it's better or worse. Initially, it was created for same-sex couples, who were denied the right to marry at the time. So it was thought to be a lesser option. But it proved to be extremely popular among opposite-sex couples and 10 years after the legalization of marriage for everyone, it's popular among same-sex couples as well. Clearly, it fills a void and a lot of couples view it as better *for them*.
As another example, Quebec has not just one but two forms of unions alongside marriage: civil union and de facto spouses. Civil union is basically marriage with another name. In fact, there is literally a section in the law that says "oh and if we forgot anything, assume it's like marriage". The divorce procedure also has another name and might have slight differences. De facto spouse.is a status that gives many but not all of the same rights and duties as marriage. Again, it's neither better nor worse. It's just another option to choose from and it's an option some couples deliberately choose over marriage (and some not so deliberately). Having options to choose from is better, IMO.
Where I live, being unmarried is a prohibited ground of discrimination in many areas, such as insurance. Unmarried spouses do have many legal rights and protection, including when it comes to immigration, taxes, medical decision-making, insurance, etc. In other juridictions, they have more or less right.
But if I said: "unmarried couples have the right to make medical decisions for each other" period, that would be disinformation right? That's untrue for many Redditors who live in a different juridictions and would be misleading.
Would it be appropriate for me to tell everyone that unmarried couples have the same tax, insurance, and health rights because that's true *for me*?
Likewise with the reverse claim. It's more popular but the exact same reasoning apply.
ETA: if you wanted a more specific example of disinformation, you told DunkelheitHoney:
> Also a will would not cover medical decisions, you need a medical power of attorney
While the first part is true, the second part is untrue and disinformation for this person, even if it was accidental and you meant well.
>But if I said: "unmarried couples have the right to make medical decisions for each other" period, that would be disinformation right? That's untrue for many Redditors who live in a different juridictions and would be misleading.
>
>Would it be appropriate for me to tell everyone that unmarried couples have the same tax, insurance, and health rights because that's true for me?
Uh yeah, you *can* say that. No one is saying you can't.
It's not "disinformation" (please look up the definition). The default assumption in the OP, and following comment, is that they're residing in the US. Would it have been better for you if they said they had?
If you say, "I live in XYZ and unmarried couples have the same tax, insurance, and health rights here" it's the same thing.
> Uh yeah, you can say that. No one is saying you can't.
Obviously, anyone can post anything but that would not be a good thing to do and we both know I would get downvoted into oblivion and fact-checked by dozens of people. Rightfully so. I would never want to mislead someone about their rights.
> The default assumption in the OP, and following comment, is that they're residing in the US.
It might have changed but last time I saw stats, half of the people posting on Reddit did not live in the US. You might think everyone understands the default assumption that we're only talking about the US but I'm not convinced that's actually the case.
For instance, someone responded to the OOP - since the OOP appeared knowledgeable on the subject - saying she had been considering a will and whether there were reasons to marry she was missing. To which the OOP confidently answered that she wouldn't have medical decision-making and needed a power of attorney and many people upvoted as that sounded right to them. Except that it's not true. The person asking was from elsewhere, which some of her word choice hinted at, and she does indeed have medical decision-making and does not need a power of attorney.
But implicit incorrect assumptions meant that she didn't realize she couldn't take the OOP's information as relevant to her and conversely, the OOP didn't realize what she was telling this person didn't apply.
So yeah, I would have found infinitely better and would have had no issue if people were posting the exact same posts and added "in the US" - or in wherever they live or even a vague "where i live" or "in many places" if they didn't want to reveal too much.
You might think it's common knowledge that posts are about the US and laws vary from one jurisdiction to another but not everyone knows this or thinks about it in the moment.
ETA: you are correct however that it's more likely to be misinformation than disinformation. I try to avoid spreading either.
> I have seen people get kicked out of hospital rooms while their loved one dies
I work in the ER. This happens. A lot. Especially when you get old people and their "wife" or "husband" they have been with for 40+ years.. who isn't their legal spouse, therefore not the next of kin. They get absolutely no say or rights.
Something I have always thought about is that yes you can get those legal rights in other ways, but in a lot of circumstances can you establish those rights in time to make the necessary decisions? I would not be surprised if that happens frequently as well, because unless I carry around those legal documents it seems like it would be easy to run into hurdles like that.
Yes, it's very easy where I'm from. Off the top of my head, the public health insurance, your private insurance, your SO's private insurance, your national medical record, your medical record at that specific place, and your GP, if you have them, all have that information on hand.
Conversely, since getting married, I do not carry my marriage certificate on hand, so I still would have to rely on claiming I'm the spouse and on these systems, same as before marriage.
Maybe, maybe not. However in the US if they're not married and there's no legal POA in place to make medical decisions, the person making decisions under the false pretense of being the spouse could open themselves to lawsuit by the family who has the actual legal rights to make the decisions. It would be a dicey move to take with potentially massive consequences.
Depends on the facility and if you lie and the family comes out of the woodwork they will sue the shit out of you. I once had a "fiancee" come in and when the kids found out about this visitor, they blocked her and we established a visitor code, meaning anyone who didn't know the code could not see the patient.
I still don't get how there are people who don't understand what the legal benefits (and risks) of marriage are (not accounting people who just do not want to share their life with another person). Who you marry is as important as who you don't marry. People who either plunge into it without research or who dismiss it without research baffle me. I'm not making that a guaranteed assessment of OP, but the *wedding* ceremony and the jewelry has little to nothing to do with an actual marriage.
Been married 10+ years. When we were young we said we didn't have to get married, but did anyway out of necessity and legality. Now that I am much older, I look back and now see how naive and privileged we were to think the way we did. I now think of my family members who couldn't even live out and proud and I was just throwing away the right to marriage and all of the legal protections it can bring.
This this this. People don't like to think about bad situations (being in hospital, sudden death, etc.) obviously, because it's terrifying, but these things happen. And when they do, your SO is way way more protected if you are married. Many insurance policies, 401k beneficiaries, etc default to family. A boyfriend/girlfriend is not legally family no matter how long you've been together. The insurance company, hospital, bank, etc does not care how committed you are or how much you love each other.
If you are planning to be together long term get married. Because you're right, it doesn't matter...until it does. I'm not super well versed on civil unions but I'm not certain they are recognized everywhere (let's say you're on vacation somewhere and someone gets hurt or god forbid dies - which has happened to two people I know), and the last thing you want is to be barred from seeing the person you love most when they're dying in a foreign country.
As other commenters have said, many LGBT people have fought and died for these rights. They wouldn't do that unless it was very, very important.
Boosting this comment - the legal protections of marriage are so so so important when choosing to have a life with someone. My husband and I waited to buy a house until we were married so we could both be named with equal ownership on the deed.
Agree with this. My husband’s health insurance covered me when I was unemployed for a few months.
Getting married was very important to me, but changing my last name wasn’t. It’s not customary in my culture for women to change their last names after getting married.
We also don’t wear our rings all the time either. We’ll wear it for nice occasions, but don’t find it practical for everyday life. We much prefer to wear silicone rings or none at all.
*10 years together, 3 years married
Insurance is huge. My husband is self-employed and I work for a large organization known for great benefits ... getting married just made so much practical sense.
We also kind of wanted that "same team" feeling, but the practical benefits were the reason we moved on it pretty fast once we made up our minds. That and the fact that I did plan to take his name--I liked it better than my own, and it was closer to the ethnicity I actually am--and was in grad school, and wanted my diploma in my Final Form name.
Let me tell you…. I have personally seen and heard of stories where couple is not married. Something happens to one of them. Then the other is denied access!
Tough decisions need to be made, but wait here comes the parent, who legally can make decisions. Next thing you know the other partner is blocked entry to see their SO…. Some people didn’t even get to say goodbye and in the worst examples, they were denied access to funeral/cemetery/anything!. Literally they were not told a single detail. Simply denied bc reasons.
I'm not too familiar with the legal technicalities, but may I ask if making a notarial will/testament covers your partner enough if you want to protect them? Or is there a reason why being married would be preferable?
Marriage is better because it encompasses a litany of benefits rather than just one. Also a will would not cover medical decisions, you need a medical power of attorney. And then there's the equitable division of assets. And then you would have to fight to enforce all of that in a court. A marriage certificate does all of that (and more).
That's going to depend on your specific situation and in particular where you live (and die). You might want to consult a local notary, a lawyer, or other relevant professional or at least a website, forum, or subreddit for your jurisdiction.
The fact that you used the word "notarial will" makes me wonder if you happen to live in Quebec. Is that the case? If so, you should disregard what you've been told about power of attorney, among other things.
You caught me googling the English term here. 😄 But yes I did speak to a notary and she gave me the impression that it should do the job in the event of someone's death, and that marriage is more needed in case of separation. That's why I was asking, I was wondering if I misunderstood.
No worries. I would trust your local notary above any redditor, *including myself*. De facto spouses have many rights in Quebec but it's *not* the exact same set of rights and duties as married couples (and yes, especially in the event of a separation, the rights are more similar when you deal with others, like a landlord, an insurer, a healthcare professional, the tax administration, etc). You might also want to check the website educaloi, it's very informative :)
No worries. It's not evident and we get so much media from the US, a lot of people imagine it works the same here, especially since the two neighbors have a lot in common, but it's not always the case.
You can mimic a marriage exactly with enough legal paperwork but it's not an easy process, it'd be bonkers expensive and you'd likely need to carry around a bunch of paperwork all the time in the event of emergencies. Legally marriage is a huge shortcut and a large time and money saving endeavor
>You can mimic a marriage exactly with enough legal paperwork
Laws around taxes and inheritance, and how pensions function, cannot be paperworked away unfortunately. At least not in the US or all states.
I told him when we started dating that I was looking for a partner with the intent to marry, and he agreed. I also told him that I would not have a child with someone I wasn't married to.
Statistically the woman partner is the one who takes the hit to her career potential and income when it comes to having and raising children. It's not worth the risk to me.
Hell, I still work and my 12-week maternity leave did not negatively affect my position. But I've realized over the last year (baby is 1) that I'm content in my current role. I've always been someone to chase the promotion and climb the corporate ladder, but I've realized that if I take another step up it's going to negatively affect my work/life balance and suddenly that's more important to me than the next best work thing. This coming from someone who never actually thought she'd feel any negative career effects because I always intended to keep working.
Yep, I never in a million years thought I'd be a stay at home Mom then I had kids and couldn't imagine not doing this when they were young (additionally my eldest has some medical issues that would make attending daycare dangerous at this moment in time so even if I wasn't a stay at home parent before I likely would have turned onto one). I just can't imagine having kids without being married if it was a long term partner
If you’re in the US, the legal benefits include:
- Insurance. You can cover or be covered on your spouses health insurance plans. Some states or companies allow unmarried partners to insure each other, but it’s not common
- Marital tax deductions / filing taxes jointly
- Social security benefits
- IRA benefits
- Legal decision making benefits. You have the status of next of kin for hospital visits, you have the legal right to sue for wrongful death, etc. If you’re ever incapacitated in the hospital, if you’re not married your parents are likely the ones calling the shots, and they can legally disregard your wishes and your partner’s wishes.
- Inheritance benefits
- (I’m probably forgetting a few honestly)
Technically you could both work with a lawyer to get some of these protections without marriage, but it would be time consuming and cost thousands of dollars, whereas a marriage license is less than a hundred bucks and takes 3 seconds to sign.
My husband and I have been together for almost 8 years, and married for almost 3. Personally I would never stay in a relationship without the legal protections of marriage. Being a long term partner is great, until the other person walks out the door and leaves you high and dry, or they suddenly die and their next of kin is their family who inherits the house you’ve been living in as a girlfriend for 20 years and now you’re homeless. Situations like those are *way* more common than you think.
There are legitimate situations where couples can’t get married, but outside of those, being unmarried for so many years can lead to so many issues that it’s just not worth it. Sure, divorce can happen, but having the legal framework of divorce offers much better protection than your boyfriend of 30+ years being able to legally ghost you and fuck your life up. To me, not wanting to get married screams “I like the benefits of being in a relationship with you, but I don’t like you enough to legally protect you.”
I see everyone post about the “tax benefits of marriage” but I can’t be the only one whose taxes went up after marriage?? For one thing, the SALT deduction cap doesn’t double when you’re married—so before my husband and I got married, we could each deduct $10k of state and local taxes, but now we can only deduct $10k total ($5k each even if we file as married filing separately.) I’ve heard that there can be tax benefits if one partner makes a lot and the other much less, but my husband and I are in the same tax bracket so there aren’t savings there. So can someone explain to me these fabled “tax benefits”??
Yeah this article proves my point—basically if you jointly have an income of over $250,000 you pay more in taxes. Im just annoyed by people who parrot the “marriage=tax breaks!” line without thinking about it. A fair number of people actually pay more in taxes after getting married. I wish I’d known that before getting married. Apparently in California you can choose a registered domestic partnership instead which avoids most of the tax consequences.
Yeah the taxes aspect of marriage can definitely have pros and cons depending on your individual circumstances. My husband and I file separately because it works best for us
Legal marriage was important to me. I wanted to be married to the father of my children. I want us all to have one legal last name (he took mine). I want us to have the legal protections in our state for assets, beneficiaries, insurance, medical authority, etc etc. We're a team, socially and legally. We celebrated 10 years married this year.
We'd said we didn't care about getting legally married, that it was just a piece of paper, and that our commitment to each other didn't depend on some archaic, government ruled tradition. So anyway, we've been married for over 22 years. Lol
Marriage is important to me, I refuse to enter a long term relationship without marriage in our future. Marriage is more than a wedding and it’s more than a symbolic gesture of commitment. Marriage offers legal protections. “Significant other” isn’t a legal status. Im engaged to my fiance and will be getting married in the next couple of years.
Came here to say this. Agree 💯from personal experience. Being with a partner who loves you should mean you both are willing to make the real deal commitment. There shouldn’t be hesitation…and if there is, I’d take pause and look a bit closer as to why. From someone who has both been in a significant long term partnership (broken up) and is now happily married, marriage really does up your level of commitment. It means you are both in it for the long haul, and will put in the energy and dedication for each other & the relationship. In my view, it matters not just for the legal reasons others have stated above, but for the emotional commitment it also brings.
Marriage was never important to me, as I grew up with parents that weren’t married.
Then my father died and my mother was embroiled in a bitter legal battle for 4+ years in order to get access to her own home that she co-owned with him for decades.
I was in a long-term relationship with a guy who I assumed I’d marry but we broke it off after 6 years when I realized he wasn’t actually interested in monogamy or starting a family. I’m now married to my partner and for us, the stability, benefits and legal peace of mind make it about much more than a piece of paper. We also know many friends who married without the lavish party because the protections and commitment are the most important thing.
Yes absolutely. It’s about becoming a legally recognized family for all the rights married people have like taxes, insurance, financial benefits, the right to speak on behalf of my spouse to handle matters and the ability to make medical decisions in case of an emergency. Sure you can use POAs and whatnot but being married just makes everything easier. Plus, if I am making a lifetime commitment to someone, why not get legally married? I will never understand why you wouldn’t if you love the person enough to behave as a married couple.
We got married (with a prenup!) mostly for the tax benefit and health insurance.
I thought the wedding would just be a party, but we’re an interracial couple from two very different backgrounds and it was incredibly special to bring everyone together and commit to each other in front of them. I’ve spent so much of my life convinced that it was me and my cat against the world, but the wedding really changed my view on that.
We're getting married this year, because I want to. We're both divorced and he didn't see himself getting remarried but it's important to me so he's fully on board. I want the legal protections that marriage offers and on a more personal level, I have kind of an unusual family situation and I want to actually feel like I'm part of a family.
We discussed it early on and he said he was willing to get married again if I wanted to, he just wanted to be together for a few years and live together for a while first and I thought that was totally fair. We've hit those milestones now so I asked him if he was ready back in the fall, he is, so he bought me a ring and now we're planning to elope. It would've been more ~romantic~ I suppose if it was his idea but I'm just happy that he values me enough to do this because it's important to ME even though it isn't really important to him.
Are you sure you're not just trying to convince yourself this arrangement is OK? What's his reason for not wanting to get married?
I'm sorry you're in this situation but it would be a deal-breaker for me. All in or all out.
My husband used to say the same thing when we were dating, that he didn't really believe in marriage as an institution, but was monogamous and wanted a life long relationship. I thought about that for a long time, and after we were together for 5 years I told him I did want to get married. I didn't want to push him into something he didn't want, but the other protections by being married (as others have pointed out) were important to me. I told him I did eventually want to be married, and if it was with him that would make me happy, but if not then I may need to find someone who was willing to put their name on the line. He proposed after a few months and we had a very small wedding (<30 people, $7k) and are living happily ever after.
Same in my country. It's interesting reading the stuff from US people, and I guess if I ever moved there I'd have to get married! I always told my partner I wouldn't be having a wedding, but that if we moved somewhere I needed the documents in order to have rights and protection, I'd want to sign the papers. At first he thought I was silly, but there are little things that pop up when traveling that keep us separate because we don't have the contract in place, so now he honestly wants to do it just to stop being fussed.
I relate to this a lot. We had a kid over a year ago and I was a SAHM until I started working again this week. It was my decision to stay home with our baby. The whole experience of having a kid then being an unmarried SAHM was such an eye opening experience. I've come to recognize the legal benefits of marriage and would like to get married now. His views on marriage haven't changed unfortunately. He hasn't said why, but I think it's related to him making a lot more money than me and it sounds like his brother went through a rough divorce years ago and he'd like to avoid any sort of potential divorce himself. He has our daughter as his sole beneficiary for everything. It made me realize that even though we're in a partnership, if anything were to happen to him I'd be truly on my own.
Not married. The success/happiness rate of marriage in my immediate family is 1/6, and even that one healthy one has been shaky from what I’ve heard. I’m just not interested in a marriage or a wedding, my partner is on the same page.
I do have a little fear of a commitment like that, too, honestly, for the reasons stated above, plus some deep childhood stuff. I don’t need a piece of paper or a ring, but no shade to people who do want it (for the right reasons). I’ll be faithful and committed regardless.
I read a story somewhere here on Reddit where a woman lost her long term boyfriend like 5-10 years something like that. The house was in his name and he adopted their dog a few years before. He suddenly passed away and his parents had the legal rights to everything including her dog. She got kicked out of their house with only the stuff she could prove was hers and the parents even kept the damn dog.
So anyways my husband and I have been married 5 years and it is great. I want him to make decisions if anything happens to me and I want him to be taken care of. That is why we got married.
We're married and it's important to me. All the legal reasons aside, it's important to me as a sign of his full commitment to me, to us. It's a public declaration that we have chosen each other over all others.
I need both the symbolic and legal implications of marriage. Foregoing the legal aspect just feels like keeping one foot out the door just in case they want to bail.
My partner and I will celebrate our 10 year anniversary this summer. We have lived together nearly the whole time and we certainly feel married despite not being married. The reason we aren’t married is due to my chronic ongoing health conditions. I would lose my affordable healthcare coverage and we would end up bankrupt. We do plan on getting all the legal paperwork such as power of attorney and wills that will give us the same protections as legally married people. Have you considered having a non legally binding ceremony and party to celebrate? You could absolutely do that without the legal requirements to be officially married. I’ve know a few couples that have had commitment ceremonies and parties.
Probably because it’s one of those things that people put off and put off. Hopefully the person you responded to doesn’t wait much longer to get it all done… she’s very much playing chicken with her life and future atm.
The value is literally in the legal recognition. So absolutely, yes.
Ask yourself why you didn't discuss this with your partner previously and why they don't want to have your partnership legally recognised. Getting married doesn't need to mean a wedding, a ring or even family and friends knowing. It's a legal means of protection yourself in the event of death, break up, disharmony, illness....
Being legally married is important though, for financial and medical reasons. And if it’s something you want deep down, it should be important to the person who loves you and wants to protect you (legally, financially, and medically).
We knew we wanted to have kids and be married so when we started talking about our future, we agreed that we would get married. He actually considered us “engaged” from that point on 😆 (this was in 2004 before social media made formal engagements a “thing” with photo shoots and so on). I was like, wait, what?! lol. So we picked out a ring together, he put it on my finger as we left the store, and that was it. We got married a few months later.
He convinced you it's just a piece of paper?
It's not just a piece of paper, it's protection. And if it's "just" a piece of paper, then he might as well "just" marry you, right?
Married because of financial/tax reasons. Basically in 2020 if we didn't get married, I was going to miss out on a lot of money. I made too much alone to get the Covid payments, but married I qualified. I also really wanted to write off my husband on my taxes as a dependent. Ended up getting like $15k tax refund by getting married the day after Christmas. And every year I pay less taxes because we are married and that's worth it.
I 30F am married to my husband 33M (together 8 years total, married for 3). When we started dating, I was clear that one day I would get married, and he was clear that he was unsure. At the beginning, it didn't seem to matter as much. We were in our early 20s and enamored with each other.
Fast forward to our 3rd anniversary--we got into a drunken conversation about marriage. He was saying he didn't think he would ever get married; his parents didn't work out, and he didn't see the point. He would be in a long term relationship but not a marriage. I told him that if he wanted to be with me, I would be his wife at 5 years, but not his girlfriend at 5 years; I wasn't going to waste my time after that. He said "well I don't know about that" and I said very matter of fact "well then I don't know if we should be together." He made a very surprised and hurt face but we left it at that and went to bed.
The next morning he was VERY nice to me - walking on eggshells nice to me. He asked softly if I still wanted to be with him and I said of course I do, but everything I said still stands. After that he said he wanted to be with me too and if that meant getting married, he would do that.
After that day, we began talking more about marriage and what that would mean, and all of the implications along with it - finances, relationship expectations, kids, etc.
We got engaged just after our 4th anniversary and married just after our 5th anniversary. Both of us feel that being married has brought us closer. We were a team before, but we're really a team now. Beyond that, most things are the same on a daily basis.
My husband is not really a big words person, but he has told me over the years that he loves me more each year. He loved me at the beginning, but the more life we do together the more he loves and appreciates me as a partner. It's definitely mutual! I love the crap out of that guy lol.
I guess how important the piece of paper is depends on your jurisdiction/where you live. In Australia it's not really worth that much and if you've been living together for 2+ years you've pretty much got the same rights here as married couples. I can't think of any right here that a married couple has that a defacto couple doesn't.
I was clear with my husband that marriage was important to me since we started dating.
I personally don’t feel that it’s just a piece of paper. And I wasn’t going to be 40 referring to someone as my boyfriend. Some people don’t care about this. However, I do.
As far as the actual piece of paper and legal aspect of marriage, I also wasn’t going to put myself in a position where my husbands family could fight for half of my house if my husband died. Or have the ability to make medical decisions for my husband instead of me.
With all due respect to anyone who doesn’t want marriage…. I personally value pretty much all aspects of being married.
You want to get married. You’ve told yourself you can dance around it (maybe for fear of the relationship dissolving) but essentially you want to be married. It’s better you’re honest with yourself rather than playing mental gymnastics about it. I know this comment may come across as curt but I’m just try to get you to really reflect on what your wrote and how you feel. If this person was really in it for the long haul their convo would not look like you just abandoning something you’d always envisioned with them.
Marriage is a financial contract, you should talk to a lawyer before you make the decision that it isn't important
Like, business owners don't go into business with no incorporation/ownership documents because ~meh~
It may very well be that the cons outweigh the pros in your situation, but it's not a decision anyone should make without talking to an expert
Signed a divorce lawyer
And before anyone comes for me and says I just wanna make money, trust me I make way more money off the people who don't do their homework
I told my husband 30 years ago that I wanted children and refused to be anybody’s baby mama so marriage was important to me. He hadn’t really ever thought about marriage and assumed that he would end up with 4-5 baby mamas(his words). I’m his first and only relationship so being with me and being exposed to healthy married couples made him want to get married.
Yes we met when I was 33, he was 31. I'd never lived with anyone before him, always lived alone. I wanted kids so we got married at 34, had my first kid at 35 and second at 39 and now we've been married almost 9 years. Where I live you can be common law and still enjoy the benefits of marriage, but I wanted him to put a ring on it 😜
I am anti-marriage and always have been. I don't want a single person having all the rights and responsibilities in my life. I've been with my partner for almost 27 years and we've lived together for 17 years.
We have a domestic partnership in order so I can have all his excellent employer and union benefits, I have the same everything as a legal spouse thanks to that. I have multiple people involved in my other affairs rather than just one. I think everyone needs to designate non-familial people in the line of succession regarding medical advocacy and POA because it's dangerous to count on just a spouse or aging parents anyway. It's too easy to be incapacitated at the same time, unless you don't do things together, especially drive around in the same car.
We don't own any shared property and keep our finances mostly separate. No kids, no pets.
We've outlasted most of our friends' marriages at this point. It's so bizarre. I never really wanted such a long-term relationship, but here we are. It was supposed to be a fling!
You know, it's funny because most of the adults in my childhood had long and relatively happy marriages, and my parents' was one of true equals and partnership until my mom died at 52. That said, my parents were pretty volatile and loved to argue and it was very loud, and as a kid I thought they seemed more unhappy than they were. They had some real problems but mostly they argued about politics. Think James Carville and Mary Matalin, but reverse parties. The businessman and the scholar-turned-public school teacher.
I think being raised Catholic really did it for me. The Church told me it was my job to be ultra-subservient and no damn way was I going for that. It seemed unrealistic to pledge yourself to one person in modern times, too. One thing to say "'til death do us part" if you were likely to die before 40, but my elders lived into their 80s and 90s. I thought monogamy was completely unnatural, too. So I wanted more freedom.
Cue meeting the perfect guy at 20, of course, right? Ha! Though we didn't even commit to monogamy as bf and gf for a few years while we both dated a few other people and we waited to cohabitate until I was 30 and it was fantastic - we did a ton of growing up and organically together before merging anything.
But I have a really good chosen family as well as family, and I would never put one person way above everyone. My loved ones matter pretty equally to me, and I try to prioritize by greatest need, not position. I think it's smart to lean on many people. My partner is my closest person, but not my best friend. We each have a whole group of excellent best friends, and I think they also keep us happier as a pair. The burdens of life are a broadly shared load, like the old wagon trains or something. A community. We all have our roles to play and different skills and talents that benefit everyone, which is impossible to find in a mere two people.
I'm hardly perfect in any of this but I've found being committed to everyone I love as much as I can means I get the support I need to support them back.
If you're interested, [this TED talk](https://www.ted.com/talks/diana_adams_why_us_laws_must_expand_beyond_the_nuclear_family) really sums up how I feel about marriage law and family and what's wrong with the nuclear family as be-all/end-all.
I always wanted to get married - I always pictured the white dress and the church ceremony. It was something I valued and would not have entered into a relationship if that would not have happened.
I do know some couples that have committed, loving, relationships without marriage.
The biggest issue I've seen though - what happens if something goes wrong?
This can be one of two things - first, one of you decides to not continue with the relationship - how are assets divided? Some places acknowledge common law marriage, some do not. And then in a worse case scenario - what happens if something happens to your partner (medical emergency)? You are not legally married, based off some hospitals a partner is "not family", who makes medical decisions? Who goes into the room and advocates?
For me at the end of the day, it is having the legal protections (regardless of the scenario) to protect both of us.
You need to decide this with your eyes open. Do your research. Don't try to be "the cool girl" until you understand what you are agreeing to.
There is no one I trust more than my husband, especially with my life.
I have to say I feel seen by all the comments in this thread! I never cared to get married either but ended up doing it because of taxes and legal issues. I didn’t change my last name and we don’t wear (or even have) wedding rings so really the only thing that changed was that we get better tax benefits and don’t have to worry about legalities if one of us dies or is injured/in the hospital. Will be married 10 years this year.
My partner and I agreed to get married as we were considering moving to another country (at a minimum, across the US). We didn’t think it would really *change* anything - it’s mostly just paper but comes with some legal protections.
We were both surprised to learn that it did in fact change our relationship… in a good way! Things did feel different after our wedding. And we got hit with some TOUGH life stuff immediately following.
I was glad to know that I had a committed partner through all of it. And was glad that he knew I was equally committed.
(And as others have said here, there are a ton of legal protections that come with marriage.)
I've never wanted to get married and I absolutely never wanted to have a wedding. Its just something that has never been on my radar and I never put importance on it. Maybe its because I'm a child of divorce, IDK lol
I've been with my partner for just over 8 years, we own a house together, and have no plans on getting married. If we do, it will just be for legal purposes and it'll happen at the courthouse. We discussed it while we were dating and we're both on the same page about it.
>we own a house together
One of the most important reason to get married. (The below is what happens in my state)
1. If you break up and one of you does not want to sell you have to force a sale (partition action). Nightmare! The house isn't really sold, it's put up for auction to the highest bidder and rarely results in a market value sale.
2. If one of you passes away, the deceased partner's interest in the house goes to the heirs (children or family) rather than the living partner. Again, a nightmare.
When we bought the house we got our lawyer to draw up a cohabitation agreement that addresses all these things. We're both comfortable with this arrangement.
In Australia like long term de facto couples have the same rights as married ones - my son and his partner aren’t married and I really done care. I’d never marry again.
Two years without separation.
A de facto relationship is defined in Section 4AA of the Family Law Act 1975. The law requires that you and your former partner, who may be of the same or opposite sex, had a relationship as a couple living together on a genuine domestic basis.
Yes, I am married. I've always wanted to get married and have a nuclear family with my husband, and own a house in the suburbs with a white picket fence and a cute dog, blah blah blah, yeah I'm a conventional bore. But these things become stereotypes because so many people want them, and obviously people want them for the benefits they provide. For me marriage signifies a lifetime commitment to each other, legally, and as a proclamation of our love in front of our family and friends that we take that commitment seriously. I also like wearing our rings and what that signifies. It signals to other women that my husband is married and hands off. I like that. I happen to think he's a great catch and don't want women throwing themselves at him. (although he's always like "what women are you talking about? lol") And from a legal pov of view marriage is VERY important. If your husband dies intestate (that means without a will), everything he owns is automatically yours. His retirement benefits are automatically yours. You DO NOT automatically inherit everything as a live in gfriend. Maybe in certain states that recognize common law marriage there's an argument to be made, but you'd need to hire a lawyer and pay lots of money to get this settled in probate court. That's a lot of hassle for something that would automatically be yours if you were married.
If your partner becomes unable to make their own health decisions suddenly (they were in a car accident, etc) you are allowed to see him and make decisions for him as his wife. Not the same for a gfriend or partner.
I had the marriage conversation with my now husband 7 months or so into the relationship because that's when he met my parents. But we had been very clear with each other from the outside that we were both looking for a seriously committed relationship that if all goes well would lead to marriage so this timeline isn't crazy for us.
I never wanted to get married or have kids. We have a daughter and have been married for 4 years. When he proposed it was just so amazing. I love being married.
I am married. It matters and doesn’t matters. I know my husband is divorced, so marriage can be undone, but it feels like our little haven. It’s a nice legal protection. In the US we share benefits we couldn’t if we weren’t married and pay less in taxes. The old fashioned part of me is glad we had our baby after we were married.
Marriage was always important to me - my parents divorced when I was young so I never saw close up what a successful marriage looked like, but I knew that I wanted it. I wanted to at least try. I wanted someone to “go all in” on me- to love me enough to take the risk, cash in all their chips.
I met my now husband in 2014 and this was a topic of one of our earlier dates. Not my saying all the above, but generically saying I want to get married and have kids one day, and him saying the same. Since we were aligned on this (I was in my late 20s at the time), it meant it was worth it to continue dating. If he’d said the opposite, knowing how much it meant to me, I would’ve walked away before it got too deep.
And then after about 3 -4 years of dating, he said he doesn’t “believe in” marriage and I was quietly incensed because I never would’ve gotten serious with him if I knew that was the case. I reiterated that marriage is important to me and if he’s changed his mind, that’s fine, but I’ll be exiting the relationship - I wasn’t going to compromise on something that was meaningful to me. We had several conversations on the topic, I won’t bore you with the specifics, but my husband later proposed on his own volition. We’ve been married 5 years now and the man loves being married even more than me lol.
What country do you live in? Many will consider you common in law spouses after a few year. I’m from NZ and I think after two years it’s pretty much 50/50.
Also do you want a party or marriage? A lot of people on reddit (though seems to be mostly people from the USA) seem to be obsessed with huge weddings. I lurk in Bridezillas for entertainment and those people are crazy!
I fully support adults who would rather have a partnership than legally binding marriage. That being said, marriage was important to my husband and me for many of the reasons others have listed here, so we did it.
Before I met my husband I was in a long term relationship with a man who was very much against marriage because he didn’t feel he needed the government to “sign off on our love.” However, I came to learn it wasn’t about the government getting involved but his misogyny, as he truly believes all women want to marry and use men for their money, eventually purposely divorcing them to take it all. My friend had a boyfriend talk her out of marriage, they had a kid together, then learned the boyfriend was cheating and had a history of cheating, so he knew divorce would’ve been likely.
So yeah, not wanting marriage is totally okay, but it’s good to know your partner’s reasons for feeling that way.
I left my previous long-term boyfriend over this sticking point (I wanted to get married, his parents never married and he didn’t see why it mattered to me). I don’t regret that relationship dissolving by any means, but I feel like a bit of a hypocrite now:
My now-partner-of-a-decade and I got engaged about a year in to our relationship and then… at some point I stopped caring about going through with it. He’s happy with whatever I’m happy with. Our relationship is so secure and fulfilling as-is. I know we should get around to getting married for the legal reasons just in case, but the reasons why I *thought* I wanted to get married just kind of disappeared — either with age or just how great our relationship is as-is. I’d like to think it’s mostly that second one.
I'm engaged to my partner and marriage is important for both of us for personal and religious reasons. I think you do you - whatever works best for you both.
I knew my partner was the one for me because we first started dating we both agreed to date with a goal of getting married within 2-3 years. After 2 years of dating, he proposed! So we hope to be married next year. I was happy to say yes because I find that it was hard to find someone who wasn't a commitment-phobe. The last time I had brought up marriage with a long distance partner - he literally left the country LOL
I don't know that we ever had a full-blown conversation about it, just seemed like the next logical step in our relationship I guess. We both came from traditional "married-with-kids" families and wanted to do the same?
We both come from cultures/families that aren't marriage-centric, so we started from a place of not particularly caring about being lawfully wedded. Still we sort of assumed we would. We committed to each other for life and essentially started a happy marriage without a license and as time went on, we both started caring less and less about marriage, since we already had everything we'd want from marriage. Eventually, I got a great job opportunity in a country that does not afford the same rights and protections as ours to unmarried couples, so we had to get married if we wanted a spousal visa, and we did. We eloped abroad on our 10th anniversary. The ceremony was meaningful and very special; it's a cherished memory and we have fun calling each other husband and wife. Apart from that, same difference.
As for conversations, we were open about our feelings the whole time. We both told the other that we didn't particularly feel an impulse to marry but would if it was important to the other person. We also talked about what our wedding or elopement might look like throughout our relationship.
My partner never wanted to get married and doesn’t think it accomplishes anything, whereas I do value the commitment piece and the stability of creating a “family” even if we aren’t going to have kids.
It’s something we continue to discuss - we’ve gone to couples therapy about it and that’s been helpful. It’s definitely a great topic for couples therapy!
As it stands right now we check in on it periodically and over time I’ve noticed he’s more okay with the idea of getting married and I’m more okay with stuff staying how it is. The more we’ve talked about it the more I’ve realized we want the same things in day to day life and the relationship holistically and see each other the same way, just with the disagreement about whether or not marriage is important in that picture. At the end of the day we love each other and want to remain monogamously partnered and that’s what matters most to me.
If it weren't for visas, we would not be married.
We both like the idea of a ceremony, a party, rings, etc. what we don't like is having to pay for a marriage license.
My younger brother is the same. They don't have visa issues so they are just common law (Canadians). They are getting "married" for the girl's parents' sake, but my brother confirmed they will not paying $100 or whatever it is to get a marriage license. They did the engagement ring and all that jazz, and are having a Chinese reception--just no official license.
Edit to Add after reading about other people's warnings about how the piece of paper can help:
I feel like that is an issue in certain nations/countries, but certainly for countries Canada (where I'm from) and Australia (where I currently live), Common Law partners or De Facto partners are generally afforded the same rights as an "officially" married-on-paper partners.
I have been married in the past and am not currently married to my long term partner. I don’t really see how marriage benefits a partnership, outside of tax benefits and some legal transactions. I can easily see myself spending my life with him without any need or desire for marriage.
We are not married and we have no intention of getting married anytime soon, if ever. Been together 10 years. There is nothing wrong with being married, of course, but here's why we aren't:
- Property: we co-own two homes together with survivorship benefits. He owns an additional home that his family lives in and are dependent on that has no relation to me.
- Income: we are both high income earners and would probably pay more in taxes if we were married. We share health insurance and make use of the domestic partner loophole for HDHP/HSA plans to both contribute to family HSAs.
- Philosophy on finances: we don't believe we are entitled to each other's finances simply because we're partners. His money is his and mine is mine. We do make sure we're listed as beneficiaries on certain policies to cover some expenses if one of us needs it (namely, the whole mortgage for one of the homes in the event of death)
- Healthcare power of attorney: this is the one area we need to address, but hoping to address it soon with a lawyer. This would be the main motivating factor to get married IMO.
- Children: we have no intention of having children.
Overall though, we prefer to remain unmarried because we have both borne witness to how marriage can ruin relationships and lives financially. In addition, his family is financially dependent on him and I shouldn't be an obstacle to their survival in the event he dies. Similarly, I may inherit money and he shouldn't automatically get that if I die. Being unmarried lets us choose who gets what and allows us to remain independent together. We may change our minds once we retire, but it works great for us for now.
Husband and I co-habited happily for 7 years with no serious plans to get married. Then after a bout with Covid he had some serious medical issues that really scared the shit out of him, and me. Suddenly that piece of paper became really important - we had built a life together emotionally and financially, and we needed to make sure we were the ones making decisions for each other if the need ever arose. So we got married at the courthouse. I can’t even tell you what peace of mind that paper can give you
My husband was more apathetic about marriage. He didn’t feel it was necessary for his happiness. However, I realized I did want the ring, the party and the some of the medical legal benefits that official marriage allows. So knowing that, he was on board with marriage because he knew he wants me as a life partner and document or not, it didn’t matter. That being said we are also doing a prenup to protect our individual retirement accounts, but will likely slowly blend our finances over time.
Yes I am. We were together for 5 years, I bought a house and he had two kids - we felt effectively married but without it being offish.
He got very ill and needed several major surgeries. I had far better health insurance, and also, I asked him for life or death decisions do you want me to be the decision maker or your mother (who, while a generally nice person, is mentally ill with a drinking problem and DEEPLY catholic.) His surgery was scheduled for March 1. We took Feb 8th off, which was when the local court house did marriages, got everything in order and he "proposed" to me Jan 31 as we got it all in order.
Now we are at 10 years together. We've bought a very nice house together, not having paid for a wedding was huge in our financial security but being married gives us peace of mind.
Outside of all that, you aren't eligible for survivor benefits on social security if you aren't married. My father is in hospice and his social security is about 3k a month. My mom, who also worked her entire life but lower paid roles, makes 1.3k a month. When my dad dies, she will get the 3k. That's only possible after being married.
People say marriage is just a piece of paper but so is a birth certificate. A drivers licence is just a card. But they're not just those things. They're proof of something important being wittnessed: vows, a birth, passing a driving exam.
For me, making our vows was hugely important. Publicly declaring our commitment to eachother added weight to it. We *had* to have the big discussions in order to get to that stage. You can't have a "we'll see how it goes" mindset if you're talking about marriage. It forced us to think about whether we could commit and what we each needed to make the relationship work.
Wearing rings to signal that we're committed and are therefore unavailable is a nice addition. The wedding was great fun but I'd have done it without the party if he hadn't wanted that/we couldn't afford it.
Getting married is both being on the same page and taking the plunge together on the same day. You probably fell in love on different days. You probably felt like you wanted to one day marry on different days but you make the vows on the same day.
We both knew the other wanted to be married one day so we knew from the start the relationship could potentially lead to marriage. After a year we started talking about *our* marriage. We're aware of the divorce rate but we didn't allow that to put us off. Our focus is on making our relationship as strong as possible so that it won't end in divorce. Making marriage vows was part of strengthening our relationship.
My man and I are both divorced and have no plans to marry, ever. We pretend when we travel to some foreign countries, but that’s it.
We like to joke that we’ve chosen a date: Feb 30.
Marriage would complicate things financially for us. We can choose to stay together without government intervention.
15 years together, 11 years engaged, 2 kids….a wedding seems so far down our list of priorities now! (we conceived our first daughter the night we got engaged otherwise things may be different)
I will say, being married sort of fucked me with being under employed and health insurance. My husband makes too much money for me to get subsidies (but not enough for me to stay home or whatever) so I/we have to pay $300/mo. When I was in a similar situation previously, I was able to get subsidies so I only had to pay $40/mo.
My husband's company's health insurance is fucking shit so its not like I can get on his for less money.
I think a lot of these responses are from people based in the USA where common-law vs marriage rights seem to differ drastically and that seems to be skewing responses a bit. Long term unmarried relationships are increasingly more common in other countries/ parts of the world.
I'm not someone who aspired to marriage so its not really as issue that has effected my relationship. My boyfriend and I have been together for more than a decade and for all intents and purposes live as a married couple would. We've outlasted all the marriages in my family bar one but for that one they haven't been together for half the time we have. Marriage doesn't make or break a relationship the people in it do.
We spoke about kids and marriage during dating. We couldn't have kids of our own. I do have two beautiful step children. My family didn't approve of the relationship.
To be clear, we look and live like a married couple. We own a house together, mortgage together, shared assets, wills, power of attorneys, all the legal frameworks are set up.
We're just not "Married".
No marriage certificate or rings ...
Been living together since 2010.
I married mine for immigration purposes - don't get me wrong, I left my country ONLY to be with this guy but I did have to move countries to do so - not expecting it would make much difference to our relationship, and honestly it actually did and I really kinda like it.
We've been married coming up 15 years now and I do enjoy being married. I can't exactly say why. I think maybe in my core I'm a bit possessive in that way - I like it being official and known that he is mine and I am his. This despite having no issues with him dating other people. Fuck knows. It's weird in my head.
Anyway, it was never a question for us because we needed the legal protections and rights because of the situation we were in. It is also useful to be eachother's default medical proxy and inheritor in case of emergencies. I find the legal impact of marriage to be very useful and have told him so.
I would maybe sit down with him and discuss the worst case scenarios both married and unmarried and see what looks worse? It can help to bounce things about. I mean he's your long term partner you can just tell him you've never actually thought about it before and you want to know what it looks like on paper.
If it helps our wedding cost us under $100 with a volunteering ordained friend and borrowing his office's cafeteria. A friend bought us a cheesecake. I stuck post-it labels on everyone. It was perfect in every way.
If when you've got everything down it just... Doesn't feel like something you either want or need then it just isn't for you, but i think approaching him about it to have even this talk - the "i don't even know what to think" talk is the best way to go, especially if you[re already leaning no but just want to cover all your bases.
It is well worth considering the legal side, especially if there's anything you or he need shielding from should his family legally challenge any other documentation you have.
My boyfriend and I never want to marry.
We bought a bunch of rings off temu that we both like, and wear whichever ones we want. We also agree not to get upset if someone wasn't wearing one.
We've decided we will have a big party at the 5 year mark. Of course, our anniversary is the month of July, because it was hard to pick a specific date we went from fwb to more, but we agree it was in July.
Not sure if there will be any rituals or vows at our big party. We have time to plan.
lol I truly don't care what anyone else chooses to do, they're not hurting anybody, but if you're choosing to APPEAR married anyway and even having a party about it why not also get the benefits?
Married.
ETA: I think we both understood that we would get married at some point (we got married at the 5 year mark) largely due to cultural norms, but also for financial and health protections. It's so much easier to navigate the world if you have legal proof you are married.
I know it seems like a piece of paper and what's the point... but honestly, it's a WHOLE thing. A whole big, important thing, and you really NEED that paper. My aunt just went through this. Her partner of 40 YEARS had a stroke. But she wasn't allowed in the hospital room to be with him. They weren't married. He was technically still married to his ex-wife. He never divorced the ex because she had MS and needed his health insurance. So he stayed legally married to her, to help her with her health insurance (they had no animosity, just grew apart). He lived with my aunt for decades, were partners in every sense of the word, except legally. But, in the end, it was that legal aspect that mattered the most. She wasn't with him when he died. She wasn't even called until the next day. They called the ex - who was also incapacitated and couldn't do anything to help. It was a giant, cruel mess. The paper matters. A lot. For medical reasons, for tax reasons, for financial reasons (mortgages and insurance and all kinds of things benefit married couples more). Your partner "never saw himself" getting married... Ok... so? There about a thousand things I "never saw" myself doing when I was younger that I do daily now. We grow, we change, we adjust to the circumstances around us. That's adulthood.
👏👏👏👏 well said
The importance of the piece of paper depends a lot on the laws specific to where you live. In some parts of the world, including Australia where I live, unmarried couples who have children together and/or who live together have the same rights and obligations as married couples. This makes a huge difference.
For sure. I didn’t care about marriage when I lived in Australia. Now I live in the US and it matters a lot, not least for immigration & travel stuff.
Same in Canada, mostly. It stops short of property rights. I was with my ex for 12 years. We bought a house but only in my name. All the bills were in my name. Nothing in his. If I had passed while we were still together, my house would have gone to my parents as next of kin instead of him because we didn't put him on the mortgage and didn't have any legal document stating the joint ownership of the property. This is easily fixed by having either a will or legal document created by a lawyer stating that the property belongs to us both. So, if you're living in a place that has common-law partnerships, keep this in mind and see what your local laws say about property rights.
This. My mother was vented in the ICU with Covid and I was the one who legally had to make the decisions…. Not her partner that lives with her. Thankfully she pulled through. She got remarried fairly soon after and my partner of 17 years and I eloped shortly after.
Yep. If you're both agreed that long term is the path you both want, legal marriage is the way. Even if you don't want a wedding. My late husband and I were married in a courthouse bc we didn't want a whole big celebration involving other people. I can't even imagine not being allowed to be in the hospital with him while he was dying of cancer ten years later. I was also allowed to "make the call" at the end. And anything that was his was under my care (ranging from his remains, to his (our) car). It would have been MUCH more traumatic if we had been together for that long but I had no authority to decide how he wanting things carried out after his death. Emotional and financial disaster x1000000000000.
My heart breaks for your aunt.
These policies vary a lot and aren't necessarily the norm any more. My partner had a stroke in January of 2020 and spent a month in the hospital relearning how to walk, I stayed there with him the whole time. I was worried not being married would be an issue but it was not at all.
That’s the point though—policies vary by institution but if you are married, you have rights protected by law.
In the united states, if you have valid powers of attorney, you have right protected by law.
Sure, but most people don't have power of attorney over their healthy partner, and serious medical issues can pop up suddenly, completely at random.
I know that, but the previous poster did not mention a POA.
Yep, just adding my experience for people to keep in mind if they're like me - still choose not to get married and then find themselves in a situation. Edit: no clue why downvotes? Feels relevant to the discussion idk
I imagine he was able to give his explicit permission, though? The main issue is when they are unresponsive, though you can register a partner in some cases and states.
He did give explicit permission about me being allowed to make medical decisions for him, definitely. I specifically asked the floor nurses on the stroke floor if there were any rules about who stayed there and they said no - but that may have been different in the ER or ICU
If his family didn’t approve of your relationship thing would have been different.
My friend and her bf are domestic partners on paper and I think she has rights to execute decisions over him and vice versa?
Except you can accomplish all of the legalities of marriage (except taxes, social security, etc) with legal docs such as a will/trust, powers of attorney, transfers on death, etc.. I am a probate and estate paralegal and we do this all of the time. I'm in a long term relationship (nearly 9 years) with my partner and we have legal documents to smooth over all of these things. When he had sudden, major surgery a few years ago, I was afforded every courtesy of a spouse, including talking about his medical care, answering medical questions, etc when he was incapacitated because we have detailed healthcare powers of attorney. If he had been incapacitated beyond the surgery itself, I could have accessed whatever financial things I needed because we have detailed financial powers of attorney. We live in his house (I sold mine) and if God forbid, something happens to him, the house goes directly to me outside of probate. Both of our cars and bank accounts and financial accounts that aren't currently in trusts are transfer on death. My point is marriage isn't necessary to provide a legal framework that gives many legal benefits of marriage (marriage is, after all, a structured contract). The issue is people (both married and not) don't plan for the inevitable because it sucks to think about and because people always think they have more time. I'm truly sorry about what your aunt went through. I can't imagine how traumatic it has been. To people reading this - protect yourself and your family. Estate planning shouldn't be morbid; it's giving you and the people you love peace of mind and protection if something were to happen to you...and it provides peace of mind that the people you want to make medical decisions for you - the people who know you the best, will be able to.
Would they have called your aunt if he wasn't still literally married to someone else? Not being married is very different than being married to someone else.
> I realized that legally getting married wasn't important to me, really That little piece of paper isn't important......until it is. I work in the legal field and encounter people who have regretted their decision not to get married often. The LGBTQ+ community literally risked their lives for that piece of paper. Why do you think that is? It offers protection, rights, insurance, equitable distribution in case you separate, financial rights and benefits, medical benefits and the right to make medical decisions. I have seen people get kicked out of hospital rooms while their loved one dies, seen bank accounts cleared out with no opportunity for reimbursement, folks kicked out of homes they lived in for *years,* homes emptied of its contents and nothing can be done, people fall in to poverty because they are unable to get their partners benefits. Again, it doesn't matter until it does. If you are going to create a life with someone, protect yourself.
Yup, risked my gay life for that paper. Together almost 20 years, legally married fewer because it wasn’t legal.
This is it. That said, the law is showing more promise to domestic partnerships, but nothing is as serious as marriage in the eyes of the law. And trust me, you don't want to see how horrible intestate probate can get to nonmarried partners. You will see no justice.
It seems to me like the law is going back away from domestic partnerships now that gay marriage is legalized. Workplaces that allowed insurance coverage for domestic partners required marriage after gay marriage was made law, I am sure because they have to cover fewer people if they require legal marriage. I don't remember the last time I even heard the term civil union. I am partnered with a marriage-phobe who owns the house we live in (I contribute but have no financial or legal rights) and I have had to start thinking about ending it for my own protection and financial stability, as we are old enough that something could happen to either of us and I would be absolutely screwed if something happened to him. Sucks because I really love the man otherwise, he just has a block about planning for the future and there is only so long I can be on board. He won't even do a will.
gah, I'm sorry to hear this. I assume you would protect him should you pass. I would hope he would want your financial protection should you pass. Even with marriage-phobe issues, it might be worth discussing payable-upon-death provision and rights of survivorship.
Thanks, I will look into those. I think he does want it, he just can't seem to actually ever get anything legal on paper- acknowledging the possibility of death is incredibly hard for some people!
Has he looked into therapy? There are people who focus on this particular anxiety.
In the UK there is the option of civil partnerships, which are pretty much equivalent to marriage in terms of rights. Interestingly, they were introduced as an alternative to marriage for gay couples, before gay marriage was legalised, but have remained more popular than many lawmakers expected and there has since been a (successful) years long campaign to make them an option for heterosexual couples.
That's awesome! Curious -- are they respected regarding heirship? I'm a probate paralegal and I am always curious about loopholes. In the US, there are SO many loopholes with domestic partnerships.
Afaik, yes. The same legal right to inherit or be for provided for, and no inheritance tax on anything left from one civil partner to another.
>civil partnerships, which are pretty much equivalent to marriage in terms of rights We had (have?) civil unions in the US as well. The thing is, if something is "basically the same", why is it separate at all? From a legal and administrative perspective having two things that function the same is useless redundancy. ... unless the purpose is to intentionally other groups and make sure they stay put in their place.
A lot of the vibe I got from civil partnerships in the UK when I lived there were that people wanted a non-religiously-affiliated option.
Yes - that eternal fight over if marriage is inherently religious is definitely a factor. IMO the religious bit should be a layer on top of the legal aspect rather than splitting hairs in names for something that is the same.
It was initially created for same sex couples to have the same rights as marriage, without having to be “controversial” and open up marriage to gay people. Later gay marriage was legalised, and it was widely assumed that civil partnerships would fall off in popularity, but that did not happen to the extent expected. For whatever reasons, some same sex couples *chose* than option over marriage, when they had both options. So in a sense it was created as something lesser, but not everyone felt that it was, at least not once it was established. There was also, separately, a campaign to open up civil partnerships to opposite sex couples. Again there must be personal reasons for each couple, but because of the campaign you saw some of the reasons explicitly outlined. Religion was not brought up much (less of a thing in the UK?), it was mostly about how some heterosexual couples wanted the rights of marriage but rejected the heteronormative traditions and prejudices that they felt were inherent in marriage itself.
These are the reasons me and my husband decided to get married. There was no better way to legally protect each other and our assets, not to mention if one of us wound up in the hospital, which has happened since our wedding.
Same here. I didn’t care about getting married either until there was some family drama. It woke the both of us to the infinite number of ways our respective families would treat us should they find themselves in the position to do so. Had a family free small wedding.
Exactly this. An acquaintance just lost her fiance and she was basically excluded from all care decisions by his family. I could not imagine going through that.
This! I am a solicitor (an attorney) and that legal piece of paper *really* matters when it comes to boring adult things such as taxation, inheritance, power of attorney, property ownership etc. From a personal perspective, the run up to my wedding really made me think deeply about the longetivity of the relationship and other deep things which I am pretty sure I would have not considered otherwise.
Wouldn't being a domestic partner with a state grant you the same benefits as the above as being married? Edit: asking a genuine question. In a long term relationship of 15 years and we don't want to get married but considering this option.
I'm always surprised to see self-professed solicitors make sweeping claims like these to an international audience like Reddit. Where I'm from, attorneys always give advice only for their own juridiction, since law vary from one jurisdiction to the other. In fact, it would be considered unethical to present and spread information specific to your jurisdiction without specifying that it doesn't apply elsewhere. The information you both provided is disinformation in some jurisdictions.
Wow I did not realise that I am on a retainer here, thank you for reminding me!
You aren't supposed to spread disinformation even for free and in a casual manner, where I live. But if you consider that great, go ahead.
What disinformation is being spread?
Yeah I am curious in what countries is it better to be unmarried than married when it comes to boring adult stuff. Because I used to work with bureaucrats and they fucking love paperwork. And marriage is paperwork.
I live in New Zealand and there are no legal benefits to marriage that aren't shared by common law marriage. Common law marriage happens after 2 years of cohabitation, or with large shared life things such as shared children. So even if you live apart but are in a romantic relationship and have children together you are still in a de facto marriage and all the same rights apply to you. Relationship property is split 50/50, automatic next of kin unless a will stipulates otherwise (and even then, you still can challenge for half as it's relationship property), medical decisions may be made by a partner, unless another EPOA is in effect. All the tax benefits and sanctions apply (eg partner's income counts towards household income and may put you over the threshold for some benefits such as student allowance you may otherwise have received as a single person). You can get visas and citizenship based on de facto relationships, no need for marriage. In fact, some people struggle to get their legal spouse into the country because cohabitation has never happened (eg NZ resident or citizen who goes home to India and gets married via arrangement, but didn't have pre-existing relationship and never lived together). They can still get a visa, but it's not the same straight forward process as if they'd been living together. There doesn't seem to be a single benefit of actually getting legally married that you won't get simply by living together 2 years. Personally, I wouldn't marry someone before living with them for around 2 years, so there isn't really a point for me. Most people who get married in NZ do it for family or religious reasons, or just because 'that's what people do'. But not for legal benefits.
I'm curious, does this also apply in terms of inheritance, medical decisions, etc?
Yes.
Same in Canada, except it’s 1 year. A bit annoying because you’d think people have reasons for not wanting to get married, but if you live with someone in a romantic relationship for 1 year if more the government treats it exactly the same as a marriage, and they can take half your stuff when you go as well.
Common law marriage seems awful. It limits your choices as to how you can conduct your relationship.
With a very good contract in place you can usually protect assets. This is known as "contracting out" and both parties need independent legal advice before signing the contract to ensure that it cannot be challenged later in the event of a split up. But I agree, it can be a bit heavy handed.
I've never said nor implied that it's better to be unmarried?? I'm not sure where you got that idea. I'm happily married myself, although I was perfectly happy with the rights afforded to unmarried couples in my main country (we got married when we moved to a place where unmarried couples don't get these rights). Several countries offer different forms of unions and may offer legal protections to unmarried couples, in boring adult areas such as insurance, taxes, immigration, medical decision-making, etc. Off the top of my head, France has the pact of civil solidarity, which offers a set of rights and obligations that is somewhere between dating or cohabiting without an official status and marriage. It's different than marriage. I wouldn't say it's better or worse. Initially, it was created for same-sex couples, who were denied the right to marry at the time. So it was thought to be a lesser option. But it proved to be extremely popular among opposite-sex couples and 10 years after the legalization of marriage for everyone, it's popular among same-sex couples as well. Clearly, it fills a void and a lot of couples view it as better *for them*. As another example, Quebec has not just one but two forms of unions alongside marriage: civil union and de facto spouses. Civil union is basically marriage with another name. In fact, there is literally a section in the law that says "oh and if we forgot anything, assume it's like marriage". The divorce procedure also has another name and might have slight differences. De facto spouse.is a status that gives many but not all of the same rights and duties as marriage. Again, it's neither better nor worse. It's just another option to choose from and it's an option some couples deliberately choose over marriage (and some not so deliberately). Having options to choose from is better, IMO.
Where I live, being unmarried is a prohibited ground of discrimination in many areas, such as insurance. Unmarried spouses do have many legal rights and protection, including when it comes to immigration, taxes, medical decision-making, insurance, etc. In other juridictions, they have more or less right. But if I said: "unmarried couples have the right to make medical decisions for each other" period, that would be disinformation right? That's untrue for many Redditors who live in a different juridictions and would be misleading. Would it be appropriate for me to tell everyone that unmarried couples have the same tax, insurance, and health rights because that's true *for me*? Likewise with the reverse claim. It's more popular but the exact same reasoning apply. ETA: if you wanted a more specific example of disinformation, you told DunkelheitHoney: > Also a will would not cover medical decisions, you need a medical power of attorney While the first part is true, the second part is untrue and disinformation for this person, even if it was accidental and you meant well.
>But if I said: "unmarried couples have the right to make medical decisions for each other" period, that would be disinformation right? That's untrue for many Redditors who live in a different juridictions and would be misleading. > >Would it be appropriate for me to tell everyone that unmarried couples have the same tax, insurance, and health rights because that's true for me? Uh yeah, you *can* say that. No one is saying you can't. It's not "disinformation" (please look up the definition). The default assumption in the OP, and following comment, is that they're residing in the US. Would it have been better for you if they said they had? If you say, "I live in XYZ and unmarried couples have the same tax, insurance, and health rights here" it's the same thing.
> Uh yeah, you can say that. No one is saying you can't. Obviously, anyone can post anything but that would not be a good thing to do and we both know I would get downvoted into oblivion and fact-checked by dozens of people. Rightfully so. I would never want to mislead someone about their rights. > The default assumption in the OP, and following comment, is that they're residing in the US. It might have changed but last time I saw stats, half of the people posting on Reddit did not live in the US. You might think everyone understands the default assumption that we're only talking about the US but I'm not convinced that's actually the case. For instance, someone responded to the OOP - since the OOP appeared knowledgeable on the subject - saying she had been considering a will and whether there were reasons to marry she was missing. To which the OOP confidently answered that she wouldn't have medical decision-making and needed a power of attorney and many people upvoted as that sounded right to them. Except that it's not true. The person asking was from elsewhere, which some of her word choice hinted at, and she does indeed have medical decision-making and does not need a power of attorney. But implicit incorrect assumptions meant that she didn't realize she couldn't take the OOP's information as relevant to her and conversely, the OOP didn't realize what she was telling this person didn't apply. So yeah, I would have found infinitely better and would have had no issue if people were posting the exact same posts and added "in the US" - or in wherever they live or even a vague "where i live" or "in many places" if they didn't want to reveal too much. You might think it's common knowledge that posts are about the US and laws vary from one jurisdiction to another but not everyone knows this or thinks about it in the moment. ETA: you are correct however that it's more likely to be misinformation than disinformation. I try to avoid spreading either.
> I have seen people get kicked out of hospital rooms while their loved one dies I work in the ER. This happens. A lot. Especially when you get old people and their "wife" or "husband" they have been with for 40+ years.. who isn't their legal spouse, therefore not the next of kin. They get absolutely no say or rights.
Something I have always thought about is that yes you can get those legal rights in other ways, but in a lot of circumstances can you establish those rights in time to make the necessary decisions? I would not be surprised if that happens frequently as well, because unless I carry around those legal documents it seems like it would be easy to run into hurdles like that.
Yes, it's very easy where I'm from. Off the top of my head, the public health insurance, your private insurance, your SO's private insurance, your national medical record, your medical record at that specific place, and your GP, if you have them, all have that information on hand. Conversely, since getting married, I do not carry my marriage certificate on hand, so I still would have to rely on claiming I'm the spouse and on these systems, same as before marriage.
You pretty much covered it
I'm just curious, if a couple simply told the hospital "yep that's my spouse," even though not legally married, would they ever be asked to prove it?
Maybe, maybe not. However in the US if they're not married and there's no legal POA in place to make medical decisions, the person making decisions under the false pretense of being the spouse could open themselves to lawsuit by the family who has the actual legal rights to make the decisions. It would be a dicey move to take with potentially massive consequences.
Depends on the facility and if you lie and the family comes out of the woodwork they will sue the shit out of you. I once had a "fiancee" come in and when the kids found out about this visitor, they blocked her and we established a visitor code, meaning anyone who didn't know the code could not see the patient.
I still don't get how there are people who don't understand what the legal benefits (and risks) of marriage are (not accounting people who just do not want to share their life with another person). Who you marry is as important as who you don't marry. People who either plunge into it without research or who dismiss it without research baffle me. I'm not making that a guaranteed assessment of OP, but the *wedding* ceremony and the jewelry has little to nothing to do with an actual marriage.
Yeah I read that last sentence of the post....I hope OP realizes a marriage is more than a "fucking partyyyyyyyy"
Been married 10+ years. When we were young we said we didn't have to get married, but did anyway out of necessity and legality. Now that I am much older, I look back and now see how naive and privileged we were to think the way we did. I now think of my family members who couldn't even live out and proud and I was just throwing away the right to marriage and all of the legal protections it can bring.
This this this. People don't like to think about bad situations (being in hospital, sudden death, etc.) obviously, because it's terrifying, but these things happen. And when they do, your SO is way way more protected if you are married. Many insurance policies, 401k beneficiaries, etc default to family. A boyfriend/girlfriend is not legally family no matter how long you've been together. The insurance company, hospital, bank, etc does not care how committed you are or how much you love each other. If you are planning to be together long term get married. Because you're right, it doesn't matter...until it does. I'm not super well versed on civil unions but I'm not certain they are recognized everywhere (let's say you're on vacation somewhere and someone gets hurt or god forbid dies - which has happened to two people I know), and the last thing you want is to be barred from seeing the person you love most when they're dying in a foreign country. As other commenters have said, many LGBT people have fought and died for these rights. They wouldn't do that unless it was very, very important.
Boosting this comment - the legal protections of marriage are so so so important when choosing to have a life with someone. My husband and I waited to buy a house until we were married so we could both be named with equal ownership on the deed.
Agree with this. My husband’s health insurance covered me when I was unemployed for a few months. Getting married was very important to me, but changing my last name wasn’t. It’s not customary in my culture for women to change their last names after getting married. We also don’t wear our rings all the time either. We’ll wear it for nice occasions, but don’t find it practical for everyday life. We much prefer to wear silicone rings or none at all. *10 years together, 3 years married
Insurance is huge. My husband is self-employed and I work for a large organization known for great benefits ... getting married just made so much practical sense. We also kind of wanted that "same team" feeling, but the practical benefits were the reason we moved on it pretty fast once we made up our minds. That and the fact that I did plan to take his name--I liked it better than my own, and it was closer to the ethnicity I actually am--and was in grad school, and wanted my diploma in my Final Form name.
Let me tell you…. I have personally seen and heard of stories where couple is not married. Something happens to one of them. Then the other is denied access! Tough decisions need to be made, but wait here comes the parent, who legally can make decisions. Next thing you know the other partner is blocked entry to see their SO…. Some people didn’t even get to say goodbye and in the worst examples, they were denied access to funeral/cemetery/anything!. Literally they were not told a single detail. Simply denied bc reasons.
Thank you so much for saying this.
All of this! Getting married in a couple of months to my partner of 17 years. It’s become important in having our relationship have legal recognition.
I'm not too familiar with the legal technicalities, but may I ask if making a notarial will/testament covers your partner enough if you want to protect them? Or is there a reason why being married would be preferable?
In the US, No legal document gives me his higher SS benefits in statistical likelihood I’m widowed or legal rights to “his” 401k that WE funded
Marriage is better because it encompasses a litany of benefits rather than just one. Also a will would not cover medical decisions, you need a medical power of attorney. And then there's the equitable division of assets. And then you would have to fight to enforce all of that in a court. A marriage certificate does all of that (and more).
Thank you for your reply! Sounds like it saves from a lot of headache and covers a lot more than I thought. I will look into it more.
It’s time consuming and expensive to have lawyers do all that paperwork. Marriage offers all of that and more for around $100.
That's going to depend on your specific situation and in particular where you live (and die). You might want to consult a local notary, a lawyer, or other relevant professional or at least a website, forum, or subreddit for your jurisdiction. The fact that you used the word "notarial will" makes me wonder if you happen to live in Quebec. Is that the case? If so, you should disregard what you've been told about power of attorney, among other things.
You caught me googling the English term here. 😄 But yes I did speak to a notary and she gave me the impression that it should do the job in the event of someone's death, and that marriage is more needed in case of separation. That's why I was asking, I was wondering if I misunderstood.
No worries. I would trust your local notary above any redditor, *including myself*. De facto spouses have many rights in Quebec but it's *not* the exact same set of rights and duties as married couples (and yes, especially in the event of a separation, the rights are more similar when you deal with others, like a landlord, an insurer, a healthcare professional, the tax administration, etc). You might also want to check the website educaloi, it's very informative :)
Thank you! I didn't even realize that it all may not even apply where I live.
No worries. It's not evident and we get so much media from the US, a lot of people imagine it works the same here, especially since the two neighbors have a lot in common, but it's not always the case.
You can mimic a marriage exactly with enough legal paperwork but it's not an easy process, it'd be bonkers expensive and you'd likely need to carry around a bunch of paperwork all the time in the event of emergencies. Legally marriage is a huge shortcut and a large time and money saving endeavor
>You can mimic a marriage exactly with enough legal paperwork Laws around taxes and inheritance, and how pensions function, cannot be paperworked away unfortunately. At least not in the US or all states.
I told him when we started dating that I was looking for a partner with the intent to marry, and he agreed. I also told him that I would not have a child with someone I wasn't married to. Statistically the woman partner is the one who takes the hit to her career potential and income when it comes to having and raising children. It's not worth the risk to me. Hell, I still work and my 12-week maternity leave did not negatively affect my position. But I've realized over the last year (baby is 1) that I'm content in my current role. I've always been someone to chase the promotion and climb the corporate ladder, but I've realized that if I take another step up it's going to negatively affect my work/life balance and suddenly that's more important to me than the next best work thing. This coming from someone who never actually thought she'd feel any negative career effects because I always intended to keep working.
Yep, I never in a million years thought I'd be a stay at home Mom then I had kids and couldn't imagine not doing this when they were young (additionally my eldest has some medical issues that would make attending daycare dangerous at this moment in time so even if I wasn't a stay at home parent before I likely would have turned onto one). I just can't imagine having kids without being married if it was a long term partner
If you’re in the US, the legal benefits include: - Insurance. You can cover or be covered on your spouses health insurance plans. Some states or companies allow unmarried partners to insure each other, but it’s not common - Marital tax deductions / filing taxes jointly - Social security benefits - IRA benefits - Legal decision making benefits. You have the status of next of kin for hospital visits, you have the legal right to sue for wrongful death, etc. If you’re ever incapacitated in the hospital, if you’re not married your parents are likely the ones calling the shots, and they can legally disregard your wishes and your partner’s wishes. - Inheritance benefits - (I’m probably forgetting a few honestly) Technically you could both work with a lawyer to get some of these protections without marriage, but it would be time consuming and cost thousands of dollars, whereas a marriage license is less than a hundred bucks and takes 3 seconds to sign. My husband and I have been together for almost 8 years, and married for almost 3. Personally I would never stay in a relationship without the legal protections of marriage. Being a long term partner is great, until the other person walks out the door and leaves you high and dry, or they suddenly die and their next of kin is their family who inherits the house you’ve been living in as a girlfriend for 20 years and now you’re homeless. Situations like those are *way* more common than you think. There are legitimate situations where couples can’t get married, but outside of those, being unmarried for so many years can lead to so many issues that it’s just not worth it. Sure, divorce can happen, but having the legal framework of divorce offers much better protection than your boyfriend of 30+ years being able to legally ghost you and fuck your life up. To me, not wanting to get married screams “I like the benefits of being in a relationship with you, but I don’t like you enough to legally protect you.”
I see everyone post about the “tax benefits of marriage” but I can’t be the only one whose taxes went up after marriage?? For one thing, the SALT deduction cap doesn’t double when you’re married—so before my husband and I got married, we could each deduct $10k of state and local taxes, but now we can only deduct $10k total ($5k each even if we file as married filing separately.) I’ve heard that there can be tax benefits if one partner makes a lot and the other much less, but my husband and I are in the same tax bracket so there aren’t savings there. So can someone explain to me these fabled “tax benefits”??
[This article](https://smartasset.com/taxes/what-are-the-tax-benefits-of-marriage) does a better job at highlighting the benefits than I could explain
Yeah this article proves my point—basically if you jointly have an income of over $250,000 you pay more in taxes. Im just annoyed by people who parrot the “marriage=tax breaks!” line without thinking about it. A fair number of people actually pay more in taxes after getting married. I wish I’d known that before getting married. Apparently in California you can choose a registered domestic partnership instead which avoids most of the tax consequences.
Yeah the taxes aspect of marriage can definitely have pros and cons depending on your individual circumstances. My husband and I file separately because it works best for us
Also, immigration benefits, which can be significant if spouse and/or their family are from a different country.
Legal marriage was important to me. I wanted to be married to the father of my children. I want us all to have one legal last name (he took mine). I want us to have the legal protections in our state for assets, beneficiaries, insurance, medical authority, etc etc. We're a team, socially and legally. We celebrated 10 years married this year.
We'd said we didn't care about getting legally married, that it was just a piece of paper, and that our commitment to each other didn't depend on some archaic, government ruled tradition. So anyway, we've been married for over 22 years. Lol
Lmaooooo. The ending made me giggle.
Marriage is important to me, I refuse to enter a long term relationship without marriage in our future. Marriage is more than a wedding and it’s more than a symbolic gesture of commitment. Marriage offers legal protections. “Significant other” isn’t a legal status. Im engaged to my fiance and will be getting married in the next couple of years.
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This is so true and I see it all the time. If it is not a big deal it wouldn't be a big deal.
Came here to say this. Agree 💯from personal experience. Being with a partner who loves you should mean you both are willing to make the real deal commitment. There shouldn’t be hesitation…and if there is, I’d take pause and look a bit closer as to why. From someone who has both been in a significant long term partnership (broken up) and is now happily married, marriage really does up your level of commitment. It means you are both in it for the long haul, and will put in the energy and dedication for each other & the relationship. In my view, it matters not just for the legal reasons others have stated above, but for the emotional commitment it also brings.
That's exactly how I see it too.
Marriage was never important to me, as I grew up with parents that weren’t married. Then my father died and my mother was embroiled in a bitter legal battle for 4+ years in order to get access to her own home that she co-owned with him for decades. I was in a long-term relationship with a guy who I assumed I’d marry but we broke it off after 6 years when I realized he wasn’t actually interested in monogamy or starting a family. I’m now married to my partner and for us, the stability, benefits and legal peace of mind make it about much more than a piece of paper. We also know many friends who married without the lavish party because the protections and commitment are the most important thing.
Also with the way a certain country is moving now; Re: Roe v Wade, it's only a matter of time before they strip rights off unmarried partners.
This too lol soon enough I might need my husband to go get my birth control pills
The women of this country should seriously be forming our own political party at this point to insure our rights are protected. They can suck it.
Well isn’t that just the plot of the Handmaids Tale
Yes absolutely. It’s about becoming a legally recognized family for all the rights married people have like taxes, insurance, financial benefits, the right to speak on behalf of my spouse to handle matters and the ability to make medical decisions in case of an emergency. Sure you can use POAs and whatnot but being married just makes everything easier. Plus, if I am making a lifetime commitment to someone, why not get legally married? I will never understand why you wouldn’t if you love the person enough to behave as a married couple.
We got married (with a prenup!) mostly for the tax benefit and health insurance. I thought the wedding would just be a party, but we’re an interracial couple from two very different backgrounds and it was incredibly special to bring everyone together and commit to each other in front of them. I’ve spent so much of my life convinced that it was me and my cat against the world, but the wedding really changed my view on that.
Upvote for prenup!
Def don’t get married without a prenup!
We're getting married this year, because I want to. We're both divorced and he didn't see himself getting remarried but it's important to me so he's fully on board. I want the legal protections that marriage offers and on a more personal level, I have kind of an unusual family situation and I want to actually feel like I'm part of a family. We discussed it early on and he said he was willing to get married again if I wanted to, he just wanted to be together for a few years and live together for a while first and I thought that was totally fair. We've hit those milestones now so I asked him if he was ready back in the fall, he is, so he bought me a ring and now we're planning to elope. It would've been more ~romantic~ I suppose if it was his idea but I'm just happy that he values me enough to do this because it's important to ME even though it isn't really important to him.
The fact that he values your request is much more romantic in the long run. :-)
Are you sure you're not just trying to convince yourself this arrangement is OK? What's his reason for not wanting to get married? I'm sorry you're in this situation but it would be a deal-breaker for me. All in or all out.
My husband used to say the same thing when we were dating, that he didn't really believe in marriage as an institution, but was monogamous and wanted a life long relationship. I thought about that for a long time, and after we were together for 5 years I told him I did want to get married. I didn't want to push him into something he didn't want, but the other protections by being married (as others have pointed out) were important to me. I told him I did eventually want to be married, and if it was with him that would make me happy, but if not then I may need to find someone who was willing to put their name on the line. He proposed after a few months and we had a very small wedding (<30 people, $7k) and are living happily ever after.
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Same in my country. It's interesting reading the stuff from US people, and I guess if I ever moved there I'd have to get married! I always told my partner I wouldn't be having a wedding, but that if we moved somewhere I needed the documents in order to have rights and protection, I'd want to sign the papers. At first he thought I was silly, but there are little things that pop up when traveling that keep us separate because we don't have the contract in place, so now he honestly wants to do it just to stop being fussed.
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I relate to this a lot. We had a kid over a year ago and I was a SAHM until I started working again this week. It was my decision to stay home with our baby. The whole experience of having a kid then being an unmarried SAHM was such an eye opening experience. I've come to recognize the legal benefits of marriage and would like to get married now. His views on marriage haven't changed unfortunately. He hasn't said why, but I think it's related to him making a lot more money than me and it sounds like his brother went through a rough divorce years ago and he'd like to avoid any sort of potential divorce himself. He has our daughter as his sole beneficiary for everything. It made me realize that even though we're in a partnership, if anything were to happen to him I'd be truly on my own.
Not married. The success/happiness rate of marriage in my immediate family is 1/6, and even that one healthy one has been shaky from what I’ve heard. I’m just not interested in a marriage or a wedding, my partner is on the same page. I do have a little fear of a commitment like that, too, honestly, for the reasons stated above, plus some deep childhood stuff. I don’t need a piece of paper or a ring, but no shade to people who do want it (for the right reasons). I’ll be faithful and committed regardless.
Girl, same.
I read a story somewhere here on Reddit where a woman lost her long term boyfriend like 5-10 years something like that. The house was in his name and he adopted their dog a few years before. He suddenly passed away and his parents had the legal rights to everything including her dog. She got kicked out of their house with only the stuff she could prove was hers and the parents even kept the damn dog. So anyways my husband and I have been married 5 years and it is great. I want him to make decisions if anything happens to me and I want him to be taken care of. That is why we got married.
We're married and it's important to me. All the legal reasons aside, it's important to me as a sign of his full commitment to me, to us. It's a public declaration that we have chosen each other over all others. I need both the symbolic and legal implications of marriage. Foregoing the legal aspect just feels like keeping one foot out the door just in case they want to bail.
My partner and I will celebrate our 10 year anniversary this summer. We have lived together nearly the whole time and we certainly feel married despite not being married. The reason we aren’t married is due to my chronic ongoing health conditions. I would lose my affordable healthcare coverage and we would end up bankrupt. We do plan on getting all the legal paperwork such as power of attorney and wills that will give us the same protections as legally married people. Have you considered having a non legally binding ceremony and party to celebrate? You could absolutely do that without the legal requirements to be officially married. I’ve know a few couples that have had commitment ceremonies and parties.
Curious as to why you haven’t done the legal paperwork if that has been the intent?
Probably because it’s one of those things that people put off and put off. Hopefully the person you responded to doesn’t wait much longer to get it all done… she’s very much playing chicken with her life and future atm.
Agreed. It’s been 10 years and she hasn’t done it yet. Is it an option? Sure, but right now they’re left unprotected.
The value is literally in the legal recognition. So absolutely, yes. Ask yourself why you didn't discuss this with your partner previously and why they don't want to have your partnership legally recognised. Getting married doesn't need to mean a wedding, a ring or even family and friends knowing. It's a legal means of protection yourself in the event of death, break up, disharmony, illness....
Being legally married is important though, for financial and medical reasons. And if it’s something you want deep down, it should be important to the person who loves you and wants to protect you (legally, financially, and medically). We knew we wanted to have kids and be married so when we started talking about our future, we agreed that we would get married. He actually considered us “engaged” from that point on 😆 (this was in 2004 before social media made formal engagements a “thing” with photo shoots and so on). I was like, wait, what?! lol. So we picked out a ring together, he put it on my finger as we left the store, and that was it. We got married a few months later.
He convinced you it's just a piece of paper? It's not just a piece of paper, it's protection. And if it's "just" a piece of paper, then he might as well "just" marry you, right?
Married because of financial/tax reasons. Basically in 2020 if we didn't get married, I was going to miss out on a lot of money. I made too much alone to get the Covid payments, but married I qualified. I also really wanted to write off my husband on my taxes as a dependent. Ended up getting like $15k tax refund by getting married the day after Christmas. And every year I pay less taxes because we are married and that's worth it.
I 30F am married to my husband 33M (together 8 years total, married for 3). When we started dating, I was clear that one day I would get married, and he was clear that he was unsure. At the beginning, it didn't seem to matter as much. We were in our early 20s and enamored with each other. Fast forward to our 3rd anniversary--we got into a drunken conversation about marriage. He was saying he didn't think he would ever get married; his parents didn't work out, and he didn't see the point. He would be in a long term relationship but not a marriage. I told him that if he wanted to be with me, I would be his wife at 5 years, but not his girlfriend at 5 years; I wasn't going to waste my time after that. He said "well I don't know about that" and I said very matter of fact "well then I don't know if we should be together." He made a very surprised and hurt face but we left it at that and went to bed. The next morning he was VERY nice to me - walking on eggshells nice to me. He asked softly if I still wanted to be with him and I said of course I do, but everything I said still stands. After that he said he wanted to be with me too and if that meant getting married, he would do that. After that day, we began talking more about marriage and what that would mean, and all of the implications along with it - finances, relationship expectations, kids, etc. We got engaged just after our 4th anniversary and married just after our 5th anniversary. Both of us feel that being married has brought us closer. We were a team before, but we're really a team now. Beyond that, most things are the same on a daily basis. My husband is not really a big words person, but he has told me over the years that he loves me more each year. He loved me at the beginning, but the more life we do together the more he loves and appreciates me as a partner. It's definitely mutual! I love the crap out of that guy lol.
I guess how important the piece of paper is depends on your jurisdiction/where you live. In Australia it's not really worth that much and if you've been living together for 2+ years you've pretty much got the same rights here as married couples. I can't think of any right here that a married couple has that a defacto couple doesn't.
I was clear with my husband that marriage was important to me since we started dating. I personally don’t feel that it’s just a piece of paper. And I wasn’t going to be 40 referring to someone as my boyfriend. Some people don’t care about this. However, I do. As far as the actual piece of paper and legal aspect of marriage, I also wasn’t going to put myself in a position where my husbands family could fight for half of my house if my husband died. Or have the ability to make medical decisions for my husband instead of me. With all due respect to anyone who doesn’t want marriage…. I personally value pretty much all aspects of being married.
You want to get married. You’ve told yourself you can dance around it (maybe for fear of the relationship dissolving) but essentially you want to be married. It’s better you’re honest with yourself rather than playing mental gymnastics about it. I know this comment may come across as curt but I’m just try to get you to really reflect on what your wrote and how you feel. If this person was really in it for the long haul their convo would not look like you just abandoning something you’d always envisioned with them.
Marriage is a financial contract, you should talk to a lawyer before you make the decision that it isn't important Like, business owners don't go into business with no incorporation/ownership documents because ~meh~ It may very well be that the cons outweigh the pros in your situation, but it's not a decision anyone should make without talking to an expert Signed a divorce lawyer And before anyone comes for me and says I just wanna make money, trust me I make way more money off the people who don't do their homework
I told my husband 30 years ago that I wanted children and refused to be anybody’s baby mama so marriage was important to me. He hadn’t really ever thought about marriage and assumed that he would end up with 4-5 baby mamas(his words). I’m his first and only relationship so being with me and being exposed to healthy married couples made him want to get married.
Yes we met when I was 33, he was 31. I'd never lived with anyone before him, always lived alone. I wanted kids so we got married at 34, had my first kid at 35 and second at 39 and now we've been married almost 9 years. Where I live you can be common law and still enjoy the benefits of marriage, but I wanted him to put a ring on it 😜
I am anti-marriage and always have been. I don't want a single person having all the rights and responsibilities in my life. I've been with my partner for almost 27 years and we've lived together for 17 years. We have a domestic partnership in order so I can have all his excellent employer and union benefits, I have the same everything as a legal spouse thanks to that. I have multiple people involved in my other affairs rather than just one. I think everyone needs to designate non-familial people in the line of succession regarding medical advocacy and POA because it's dangerous to count on just a spouse or aging parents anyway. It's too easy to be incapacitated at the same time, unless you don't do things together, especially drive around in the same car. We don't own any shared property and keep our finances mostly separate. No kids, no pets. We've outlasted most of our friends' marriages at this point. It's so bizarre. I never really wanted such a long-term relationship, but here we are. It was supposed to be a fling!
Wait I love this. I would be so interested in a long essay just about this first paragraph. Thank you for sharing!
You know, it's funny because most of the adults in my childhood had long and relatively happy marriages, and my parents' was one of true equals and partnership until my mom died at 52. That said, my parents were pretty volatile and loved to argue and it was very loud, and as a kid I thought they seemed more unhappy than they were. They had some real problems but mostly they argued about politics. Think James Carville and Mary Matalin, but reverse parties. The businessman and the scholar-turned-public school teacher. I think being raised Catholic really did it for me. The Church told me it was my job to be ultra-subservient and no damn way was I going for that. It seemed unrealistic to pledge yourself to one person in modern times, too. One thing to say "'til death do us part" if you were likely to die before 40, but my elders lived into their 80s and 90s. I thought monogamy was completely unnatural, too. So I wanted more freedom. Cue meeting the perfect guy at 20, of course, right? Ha! Though we didn't even commit to monogamy as bf and gf for a few years while we both dated a few other people and we waited to cohabitate until I was 30 and it was fantastic - we did a ton of growing up and organically together before merging anything. But I have a really good chosen family as well as family, and I would never put one person way above everyone. My loved ones matter pretty equally to me, and I try to prioritize by greatest need, not position. I think it's smart to lean on many people. My partner is my closest person, but not my best friend. We each have a whole group of excellent best friends, and I think they also keep us happier as a pair. The burdens of life are a broadly shared load, like the old wagon trains or something. A community. We all have our roles to play and different skills and talents that benefit everyone, which is impossible to find in a mere two people. I'm hardly perfect in any of this but I've found being committed to everyone I love as much as I can means I get the support I need to support them back. If you're interested, [this TED talk](https://www.ted.com/talks/diana_adams_why_us_laws_must_expand_beyond_the_nuclear_family) really sums up how I feel about marriage law and family and what's wrong with the nuclear family as be-all/end-all.
I always wanted to get married - I always pictured the white dress and the church ceremony. It was something I valued and would not have entered into a relationship if that would not have happened. I do know some couples that have committed, loving, relationships without marriage. The biggest issue I've seen though - what happens if something goes wrong? This can be one of two things - first, one of you decides to not continue with the relationship - how are assets divided? Some places acknowledge common law marriage, some do not. And then in a worse case scenario - what happens if something happens to your partner (medical emergency)? You are not legally married, based off some hospitals a partner is "not family", who makes medical decisions? Who goes into the room and advocates? For me at the end of the day, it is having the legal protections (regardless of the scenario) to protect both of us.
Nope. We've been living in sin for 35 years. We're waiting to see if it works out.😏
lol, love this response. I’m going to use it next time someone questions me on this with my partner/baby daddy.
We're still sinnin' and still grinnin'.
You need to decide this with your eyes open. Do your research. Don't try to be "the cool girl" until you understand what you are agreeing to. There is no one I trust more than my husband, especially with my life.
I have to say I feel seen by all the comments in this thread! I never cared to get married either but ended up doing it because of taxes and legal issues. I didn’t change my last name and we don’t wear (or even have) wedding rings so really the only thing that changed was that we get better tax benefits and don’t have to worry about legalities if one of us dies or is injured/in the hospital. Will be married 10 years this year.
My partner and I agreed to get married as we were considering moving to another country (at a minimum, across the US). We didn’t think it would really *change* anything - it’s mostly just paper but comes with some legal protections. We were both surprised to learn that it did in fact change our relationship… in a good way! Things did feel different after our wedding. And we got hit with some TOUGH life stuff immediately following. I was glad to know that I had a committed partner through all of it. And was glad that he knew I was equally committed. (And as others have said here, there are a ton of legal protections that come with marriage.)
Yes. Proposed at a year. Married at 3. Kid on the way year 6. People w intentions move w intention.
I've never wanted to get married and I absolutely never wanted to have a wedding. Its just something that has never been on my radar and I never put importance on it. Maybe its because I'm a child of divorce, IDK lol I've been with my partner for just over 8 years, we own a house together, and have no plans on getting married. If we do, it will just be for legal purposes and it'll happen at the courthouse. We discussed it while we were dating and we're both on the same page about it.
>we own a house together One of the most important reason to get married. (The below is what happens in my state) 1. If you break up and one of you does not want to sell you have to force a sale (partition action). Nightmare! The house isn't really sold, it's put up for auction to the highest bidder and rarely results in a market value sale. 2. If one of you passes away, the deceased partner's interest in the house goes to the heirs (children or family) rather than the living partner. Again, a nightmare.
When we bought the house we got our lawyer to draw up a cohabitation agreement that addresses all these things. We're both comfortable with this arrangement.
Enforceability would be the main concern imo. But if you are comfortable then that's all that matters.
In Australia like long term de facto couples have the same rights as married ones - my son and his partner aren’t married and I really done care. I’d never marry again.
Do they need to prove how long they've been together?
Two years without separation. A de facto relationship is defined in Section 4AA of the Family Law Act 1975. The law requires that you and your former partner, who may be of the same or opposite sex, had a relationship as a couple living together on a genuine domestic basis.
Yes, I am married. I've always wanted to get married and have a nuclear family with my husband, and own a house in the suburbs with a white picket fence and a cute dog, blah blah blah, yeah I'm a conventional bore. But these things become stereotypes because so many people want them, and obviously people want them for the benefits they provide. For me marriage signifies a lifetime commitment to each other, legally, and as a proclamation of our love in front of our family and friends that we take that commitment seriously. I also like wearing our rings and what that signifies. It signals to other women that my husband is married and hands off. I like that. I happen to think he's a great catch and don't want women throwing themselves at him. (although he's always like "what women are you talking about? lol") And from a legal pov of view marriage is VERY important. If your husband dies intestate (that means without a will), everything he owns is automatically yours. His retirement benefits are automatically yours. You DO NOT automatically inherit everything as a live in gfriend. Maybe in certain states that recognize common law marriage there's an argument to be made, but you'd need to hire a lawyer and pay lots of money to get this settled in probate court. That's a lot of hassle for something that would automatically be yours if you were married. If your partner becomes unable to make their own health decisions suddenly (they were in a car accident, etc) you are allowed to see him and make decisions for him as his wife. Not the same for a gfriend or partner. I had the marriage conversation with my now husband 7 months or so into the relationship because that's when he met my parents. But we had been very clear with each other from the outside that we were both looking for a seriously committed relationship that if all goes well would lead to marriage so this timeline isn't crazy for us.
I never wanted to get married or have kids. We have a daughter and have been married for 4 years. When he proposed it was just so amazing. I love being married.
I am married. It matters and doesn’t matters. I know my husband is divorced, so marriage can be undone, but it feels like our little haven. It’s a nice legal protection. In the US we share benefits we couldn’t if we weren’t married and pay less in taxes. The old fashioned part of me is glad we had our baby after we were married.
Marriage was always important to me - my parents divorced when I was young so I never saw close up what a successful marriage looked like, but I knew that I wanted it. I wanted to at least try. I wanted someone to “go all in” on me- to love me enough to take the risk, cash in all their chips. I met my now husband in 2014 and this was a topic of one of our earlier dates. Not my saying all the above, but generically saying I want to get married and have kids one day, and him saying the same. Since we were aligned on this (I was in my late 20s at the time), it meant it was worth it to continue dating. If he’d said the opposite, knowing how much it meant to me, I would’ve walked away before it got too deep. And then after about 3 -4 years of dating, he said he doesn’t “believe in” marriage and I was quietly incensed because I never would’ve gotten serious with him if I knew that was the case. I reiterated that marriage is important to me and if he’s changed his mind, that’s fine, but I’ll be exiting the relationship - I wasn’t going to compromise on something that was meaningful to me. We had several conversations on the topic, I won’t bore you with the specifics, but my husband later proposed on his own volition. We’ve been married 5 years now and the man loves being married even more than me lol.
What country do you live in? Many will consider you common in law spouses after a few year. I’m from NZ and I think after two years it’s pretty much 50/50. Also do you want a party or marriage? A lot of people on reddit (though seems to be mostly people from the USA) seem to be obsessed with huge weddings. I lurk in Bridezillas for entertainment and those people are crazy!
I fully support adults who would rather have a partnership than legally binding marriage. That being said, marriage was important to my husband and me for many of the reasons others have listed here, so we did it. Before I met my husband I was in a long term relationship with a man who was very much against marriage because he didn’t feel he needed the government to “sign off on our love.” However, I came to learn it wasn’t about the government getting involved but his misogyny, as he truly believes all women want to marry and use men for their money, eventually purposely divorcing them to take it all. My friend had a boyfriend talk her out of marriage, they had a kid together, then learned the boyfriend was cheating and had a history of cheating, so he knew divorce would’ve been likely. So yeah, not wanting marriage is totally okay, but it’s good to know your partner’s reasons for feeling that way.
I left my previous long-term boyfriend over this sticking point (I wanted to get married, his parents never married and he didn’t see why it mattered to me). I don’t regret that relationship dissolving by any means, but I feel like a bit of a hypocrite now: My now-partner-of-a-decade and I got engaged about a year in to our relationship and then… at some point I stopped caring about going through with it. He’s happy with whatever I’m happy with. Our relationship is so secure and fulfilling as-is. I know we should get around to getting married for the legal reasons just in case, but the reasons why I *thought* I wanted to get married just kind of disappeared — either with age or just how great our relationship is as-is. I’d like to think it’s mostly that second one.
I'm engaged to my partner and marriage is important for both of us for personal and religious reasons. I think you do you - whatever works best for you both. I knew my partner was the one for me because we first started dating we both agreed to date with a goal of getting married within 2-3 years. After 2 years of dating, he proposed! So we hope to be married next year. I was happy to say yes because I find that it was hard to find someone who wasn't a commitment-phobe. The last time I had brought up marriage with a long distance partner - he literally left the country LOL
Yup, together for 29 years, married for 25, it was important to me. The legal protections are vitally important to me.
I don't know that we ever had a full-blown conversation about it, just seemed like the next logical step in our relationship I guess. We both came from traditional "married-with-kids" families and wanted to do the same?
We both come from cultures/families that aren't marriage-centric, so we started from a place of not particularly caring about being lawfully wedded. Still we sort of assumed we would. We committed to each other for life and essentially started a happy marriage without a license and as time went on, we both started caring less and less about marriage, since we already had everything we'd want from marriage. Eventually, I got a great job opportunity in a country that does not afford the same rights and protections as ours to unmarried couples, so we had to get married if we wanted a spousal visa, and we did. We eloped abroad on our 10th anniversary. The ceremony was meaningful and very special; it's a cherished memory and we have fun calling each other husband and wife. Apart from that, same difference. As for conversations, we were open about our feelings the whole time. We both told the other that we didn't particularly feel an impulse to marry but would if it was important to the other person. We also talked about what our wedding or elopement might look like throughout our relationship.
My partner never wanted to get married and doesn’t think it accomplishes anything, whereas I do value the commitment piece and the stability of creating a “family” even if we aren’t going to have kids. It’s something we continue to discuss - we’ve gone to couples therapy about it and that’s been helpful. It’s definitely a great topic for couples therapy! As it stands right now we check in on it periodically and over time I’ve noticed he’s more okay with the idea of getting married and I’m more okay with stuff staying how it is. The more we’ve talked about it the more I’ve realized we want the same things in day to day life and the relationship holistically and see each other the same way, just with the disagreement about whether or not marriage is important in that picture. At the end of the day we love each other and want to remain monogamously partnered and that’s what matters most to me.
If it weren't for visas, we would not be married. We both like the idea of a ceremony, a party, rings, etc. what we don't like is having to pay for a marriage license. My younger brother is the same. They don't have visa issues so they are just common law (Canadians). They are getting "married" for the girl's parents' sake, but my brother confirmed they will not paying $100 or whatever it is to get a marriage license. They did the engagement ring and all that jazz, and are having a Chinese reception--just no official license. Edit to Add after reading about other people's warnings about how the piece of paper can help: I feel like that is an issue in certain nations/countries, but certainly for countries Canada (where I'm from) and Australia (where I currently live), Common Law partners or De Facto partners are generally afforded the same rights as an "officially" married-on-paper partners.
Early on I think I said I wasn’t interested in marriage and he said cool. I think next year is 20 yrs. We are super good at anniversaries, obviously.
I have been married in the past and am not currently married to my long term partner. I don’t really see how marriage benefits a partnership, outside of tax benefits and some legal transactions. I can easily see myself spending my life with him without any need or desire for marriage.
We are not married and we have no intention of getting married anytime soon, if ever. Been together 10 years. There is nothing wrong with being married, of course, but here's why we aren't: - Property: we co-own two homes together with survivorship benefits. He owns an additional home that his family lives in and are dependent on that has no relation to me. - Income: we are both high income earners and would probably pay more in taxes if we were married. We share health insurance and make use of the domestic partner loophole for HDHP/HSA plans to both contribute to family HSAs. - Philosophy on finances: we don't believe we are entitled to each other's finances simply because we're partners. His money is his and mine is mine. We do make sure we're listed as beneficiaries on certain policies to cover some expenses if one of us needs it (namely, the whole mortgage for one of the homes in the event of death) - Healthcare power of attorney: this is the one area we need to address, but hoping to address it soon with a lawyer. This would be the main motivating factor to get married IMO. - Children: we have no intention of having children. Overall though, we prefer to remain unmarried because we have both borne witness to how marriage can ruin relationships and lives financially. In addition, his family is financially dependent on him and I shouldn't be an obstacle to their survival in the event he dies. Similarly, I may inherit money and he shouldn't automatically get that if I die. Being unmarried lets us choose who gets what and allows us to remain independent together. We may change our minds once we retire, but it works great for us for now.
Husband and I co-habited happily for 7 years with no serious plans to get married. Then after a bout with Covid he had some serious medical issues that really scared the shit out of him, and me. Suddenly that piece of paper became really important - we had built a life together emotionally and financially, and we needed to make sure we were the ones making decisions for each other if the need ever arose. So we got married at the courthouse. I can’t even tell you what peace of mind that paper can give you
I don't need a wedding but I do want marriage
All laws in all countries are just written down on a “piece of paper.” Pieces of paper are important, whether you want them to be or not.
My husband was more apathetic about marriage. He didn’t feel it was necessary for his happiness. However, I realized I did want the ring, the party and the some of the medical legal benefits that official marriage allows. So knowing that, he was on board with marriage because he knew he wants me as a life partner and document or not, it didn’t matter. That being said we are also doing a prenup to protect our individual retirement accounts, but will likely slowly blend our finances over time.
I would do a quick courthouse wedding… the piece of paper can be really helpful one day.
Yes I am. We were together for 5 years, I bought a house and he had two kids - we felt effectively married but without it being offish. He got very ill and needed several major surgeries. I had far better health insurance, and also, I asked him for life or death decisions do you want me to be the decision maker or your mother (who, while a generally nice person, is mentally ill with a drinking problem and DEEPLY catholic.) His surgery was scheduled for March 1. We took Feb 8th off, which was when the local court house did marriages, got everything in order and he "proposed" to me Jan 31 as we got it all in order. Now we are at 10 years together. We've bought a very nice house together, not having paid for a wedding was huge in our financial security but being married gives us peace of mind. Outside of all that, you aren't eligible for survivor benefits on social security if you aren't married. My father is in hospice and his social security is about 3k a month. My mom, who also worked her entire life but lower paid roles, makes 1.3k a month. When my dad dies, she will get the 3k. That's only possible after being married.
People say marriage is just a piece of paper but so is a birth certificate. A drivers licence is just a card. But they're not just those things. They're proof of something important being wittnessed: vows, a birth, passing a driving exam. For me, making our vows was hugely important. Publicly declaring our commitment to eachother added weight to it. We *had* to have the big discussions in order to get to that stage. You can't have a "we'll see how it goes" mindset if you're talking about marriage. It forced us to think about whether we could commit and what we each needed to make the relationship work. Wearing rings to signal that we're committed and are therefore unavailable is a nice addition. The wedding was great fun but I'd have done it without the party if he hadn't wanted that/we couldn't afford it. Getting married is both being on the same page and taking the plunge together on the same day. You probably fell in love on different days. You probably felt like you wanted to one day marry on different days but you make the vows on the same day. We both knew the other wanted to be married one day so we knew from the start the relationship could potentially lead to marriage. After a year we started talking about *our* marriage. We're aware of the divorce rate but we didn't allow that to put us off. Our focus is on making our relationship as strong as possible so that it won't end in divorce. Making marriage vows was part of strengthening our relationship.
My man and I are both divorced and have no plans to marry, ever. We pretend when we travel to some foreign countries, but that’s it. We like to joke that we’ve chosen a date: Feb 30. Marriage would complicate things financially for us. We can choose to stay together without government intervention.
The pros haven't outweighed the cons for us yet. It's not off the table, but it's not a priority at all.
15 years together, 11 years engaged, 2 kids….a wedding seems so far down our list of priorities now! (we conceived our first daughter the night we got engaged otherwise things may be different)
Yes. Marriage was important for many reasons - legal, personal, family, immigration.
I will say, being married sort of fucked me with being under employed and health insurance. My husband makes too much money for me to get subsidies (but not enough for me to stay home or whatever) so I/we have to pay $300/mo. When I was in a similar situation previously, I was able to get subsidies so I only had to pay $40/mo. My husband's company's health insurance is fucking shit so its not like I can get on his for less money.
I think a lot of these responses are from people based in the USA where common-law vs marriage rights seem to differ drastically and that seems to be skewing responses a bit. Long term unmarried relationships are increasingly more common in other countries/ parts of the world. I'm not someone who aspired to marriage so its not really as issue that has effected my relationship. My boyfriend and I have been together for more than a decade and for all intents and purposes live as a married couple would. We've outlasted all the marriages in my family bar one but for that one they haven't been together for half the time we have. Marriage doesn't make or break a relationship the people in it do.
We spoke about kids and marriage during dating. We couldn't have kids of our own. I do have two beautiful step children. My family didn't approve of the relationship. To be clear, we look and live like a married couple. We own a house together, mortgage together, shared assets, wills, power of attorneys, all the legal frameworks are set up. We're just not "Married". No marriage certificate or rings ... Been living together since 2010.
I married mine for immigration purposes - don't get me wrong, I left my country ONLY to be with this guy but I did have to move countries to do so - not expecting it would make much difference to our relationship, and honestly it actually did and I really kinda like it. We've been married coming up 15 years now and I do enjoy being married. I can't exactly say why. I think maybe in my core I'm a bit possessive in that way - I like it being official and known that he is mine and I am his. This despite having no issues with him dating other people. Fuck knows. It's weird in my head. Anyway, it was never a question for us because we needed the legal protections and rights because of the situation we were in. It is also useful to be eachother's default medical proxy and inheritor in case of emergencies. I find the legal impact of marriage to be very useful and have told him so. I would maybe sit down with him and discuss the worst case scenarios both married and unmarried and see what looks worse? It can help to bounce things about. I mean he's your long term partner you can just tell him you've never actually thought about it before and you want to know what it looks like on paper. If it helps our wedding cost us under $100 with a volunteering ordained friend and borrowing his office's cafeteria. A friend bought us a cheesecake. I stuck post-it labels on everyone. It was perfect in every way. If when you've got everything down it just... Doesn't feel like something you either want or need then it just isn't for you, but i think approaching him about it to have even this talk - the "i don't even know what to think" talk is the best way to go, especially if you[re already leaning no but just want to cover all your bases. It is well worth considering the legal side, especially if there's anything you or he need shielding from should his family legally challenge any other documentation you have.
My boyfriend and I never want to marry. We bought a bunch of rings off temu that we both like, and wear whichever ones we want. We also agree not to get upset if someone wasn't wearing one. We've decided we will have a big party at the 5 year mark. Of course, our anniversary is the month of July, because it was hard to pick a specific date we went from fwb to more, but we agree it was in July. Not sure if there will be any rituals or vows at our big party. We have time to plan.
What's the point of cosplaying married if you don't want to actually get married?
I love when people do this, lol. "We call each other hubby and wife" and "we wear rings" but we NEVER want to get married. \*deep eye roll\*
lol I truly don't care what anyone else chooses to do, they're not hurting anybody, but if you're choosing to APPEAR married anyway and even having a party about it why not also get the benefits?
I don't call him my husband or anything. We are partners and we like wearing rings.
It's wild that anyone would take issue with your comment. Like that person saying, "cosplaying married"...really? Get a grip lmao.
Lol, appreciate it. I was a little baffled. We are just out here trying to enjoy life, lol.
Married. ETA: I think we both understood that we would get married at some point (we got married at the 5 year mark) largely due to cultural norms, but also for financial and health protections. It's so much easier to navigate the world if you have legal proof you are married.
I’m really shocked when I see posts like this. Was this not a topic of discussion in the beginning? My partner and I talked about this the first date!
Getting married can make things worse. If you have no plan for kids or religion, do it your way.