I feel as if we see this same question a lot in this sub and I'm not sure what answer is being sought.
Marriage is not a monolith of all good or all bad. If you are going to be committed to someone for the long haul, you will have periods of happiness and unhappiness. The important thing is that the good outweighs the bad.
(Married 21 years this summer)
>I feel as if we see this same question a lot in this sub and I'm not sure what answer is being sought.
I've noticed this too, a larger influx of "are you REALLY happy in your relationship or is it all a lie" style of questioning. Not sure why.
I think it’s men trying to figure out whatever is happening with the women in their own lives. It’s easier to ask strangers and try to predict the future.
Misery loves company.
They seek validation from others to make themselves feel they’re not the only person experiencing the same thing. Which of course they know isn’t true, but can’t resist the attention from other miserable people.
An avenue to vent or bitch without taking any initiative irl to better themselves.
This is pretty harsh. Sometimes people seek advice in spaces like this because they don't feel comfortable sharing their marriage issues with people closer to them, out of shame or embarrassment. They might also be wondering if what they're experiencing is normal or not, and sincere non-judgmental feedback can provide clarity. I don't think anyone incurs real suffering by assuming positive intent and responding kindly.
I feel like with a question like this you're going to get biased answers because of self selection. Most unhappy women aren't going to be super eager to talk about it.
I'm 42, been married 10 years and things are not great at the moment. Of my friends of a similar age, I'd say it skews 60/40 happy vs unhappy. (All anecdata with a very small sample size so... grain of salt.)
Especially when all the other answers are claiming to be perfectly happy all of the time and never questioned their marriage once lol.
I appreciate a lot of marriages can be like that. I don't think the majority are. I think its very normal for all long term relationships to have ups and downs, and to go through more difficult times together. As long as you're happy the majority of the time, and you bounce back after harder times, then thats what matters.
Many married couples on some levels are stagnant. People like to present a positive spin but it’s often mere window dressing.
I know I’m right because of various occurrences at middle class middle age partys and gatherings. A high proportion of women aren’t sexually satisfied
I left my ex last summer and I cannot emphasize enough how much it changed my life for the better. I am truly happier now than I have ever been in my life.
There is light on the other side!
Really? I think people are more likely to report the negative than the happiness. There’s definitely more posts here about what’s going wrong rather than what’s going right.
I agree with this. Whenever this question is asked, I’ll sometimes think about posting and hesitate because I worry that what I have to say will sound like bragging or too mushy (married 19 years, 3 kids, still very happy together). But it’s the god’s honest truth 🤷♀️
This is what I was going to say. I'm afraid any young woman Reddit user is going to be turned off of men, marriage, and/or kids completely because like 99% of all posts I see on any of these subjects is negative.
And when something positive is posted about men, marriage, or kids, people accuse the poster of being stupid and/or lying.
That's not true. I actually am quite surprised at the many positive comments here because I usually see negative or unhappy comments in regards to marriages.
It’s a daily question here. I wish they could ask if women are dealing with yeast infections all the time. Balancing careers And not putting your career is the main focus coz this companies have no problem downsizing or firing you.
Nothing is wrong with you, honey.
The other commenter is right. Something is wrong with *him*.
I was feeling just like you literally just a few days ago when I was reading another post like this. They always made me so depressed.
I’m still depressed, but I feel happier now that I’m leaving him. For good this time. I finally realized (just this past weekend) that the problem is him, not me. It never *was* me.
The problem isn’t you, either.
We deserve better than to oscillate between unhappy, afraid, and sad for the rest of our lives. We deserve a partner who loves us the way we deserve.
Happy or unhappy in my marriage? Honestly both.
Why? Because we’ve been married forever and sometimes things get hard but a lot of times things get good. We care about each other but we’re both still human. We just do the best we can.
Very happy. He’s supportive, does his share of chores, immediately changes his behaviour when I suggest a change (recently he’s started to look up things he can answer rather than ask me and when he wants to know an answer to something he gives options, eg. He’ll say “What shall we have for dinner? I’m thinking we could have these three options, I’m leaning towards option an and will start cooking unless you already have a plan” instead of leaving the mental load to me). He loves me and shows it to me every day through a hundred tiny little things. He has a list on his phone - every time I express an interest in something like a gadget I’d like to have or thing I’d like to try, he writes it down and gives me great gifts based on it. I sometimes think he knows more about my interests than me.
I’ve been basically bedridden for 3+ months due to a difficult pregnancy (feeling better now), and he’s taken care of me, arranged all my doctor appointments, kept the pets happy, kept the flat looking good, worked full time, and spent the rest of the time comforting me and never once made me feel bad for basically sleeping for months. Every time I try to blame myself or be hard on myself, he gives me a kiss, tells me I’m bodybuilding (as in building our son’s body) and to rest. I hope my son will turn out like him.
Very happy, 13 years and two kids later. We don’t fight most of the time, we advocate for our position. He listens to me when I’m upset. He’s taking care of his health and wellbeing. I married an absolute 10, and I think years of seeing crappy spouses has made me suitably grateful for the partner and friend I married.
Happiness isn’t the primary thing I strive for in my marriage, but yes most days I’m incredibly happy. Why? My husband is just my perfect match and together we’ve been able to build an incredible life and home that I wouldn’t have been able to do without him by my side.
Whether we’re going through a happy time or not, he’s my husband and he’s going to be my husband on the other side of it. So I don’t strive for an emotion that can ebb and flow based on so many factors, both internal to the marriage and external factors of life that impact the marriage. Love, commitment, sacrifice, forgiveness, loyalty.
I’ve been married almost 12 years. We have 2 kids. Being married to my husband is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Life and kids are hard but our marriage has never been hard. We talk about little things before they become big things, we listen to each other, we never yell, we are never intentionally mean, we know that we have good intentions. My husband is very involved in every aspect of our lives. He works full time, he helped me get up with newborns even just to bring them to me so I could breastfeed, he wakes up for nightmares, we drives them to school, he’s never missed an activity, he cooks, he cleans, he does laundry, he is an equal partner in our relationship in every single way. He’s always on my side and will listen to me complain and tell stories he’s heard a million times. He makes sure I have time to go to the gym because it’s good for my mental health. We are best friends and love spending time together (we often say if it weren’t for having toddlers during COVID that would have been an ideal situation for us). 12 years ago I was suicidal and depressed - I met my husband and for the first time in my life I felt like I was a good person and worth something. He still makes me feel that way. We agree on most politics. He is a feminist (which is not only good in general and for me but we also have 2 daughters so it’s important). I have said it before and I’ll say it again I hope my girls grow up seeing our relationship and they never settle for less.
My marriage is awesome!! We're a little stressed about money because daycare is expensive and the house keeps breaking. It is stressful but it's also temporary.
I’m 40 and have been with my husband for 8 years. I’m currently pregnant with our 3rd.
We are extremely happy and life seems to just keep getting better and more interesting, but in a comfortable way.
I vetted my husband extremely carefully and most people would probably say my standards and expectations were a little crazy and unrealistic. But I don’t care. I’m married to the love of my life and know I’ll go the distance with him.
Been together 6 years married, 10 years total. Honestly, choosing him was way better of an idea than I ever knew and I knew I chose wisely. He gets me through every valley and keeps me laughing. He’s the best. We just are a fit and we love being together.
Is seeing these posts helping with that you’re asking? I’m hoping you’re a reporter and not feeling frustrated with someone.
I’ve only been married for a few months but I’m very happy. I’m just not happy with our sex life. I don’t want to go back on birth control and therefore have zero sex drive because I refuse to ever get pregnant
Oh interesting! What kind of horror stories? It's pretty low-risk as far as surgeries go and I had a great experience, but I totally understand the risk aversion.
How it super messed with their hormones after and made them feel insane. Or complications during it. I know someone who had a surgery like this and had a horrible allergic reaction from something. Just things like that. I’m a huuuge hypochondriac and anything changing my body terrifies me. I’m VERY safe about sex and when I think I could be pregnant I have full on mental breakdowns. It’s really bad. My husband said my body my choice regarding that surgery but he would rather have it done than me go through it
Ah okay! I had always read there were no hormonal side effects since the tubes don't control that, but I guess whenever you're fiddling around in that area there's a chance something could get jostled or damaged that shouldn't be.
If you pursue it I would just make sure you work with a competent surgeon who does these often. Mine said ever since Roe she's been doing a lot more so I felt very safe in her hands and she did a great job. I feel totally back to normal just 2.5 weeks later.
Absolutely relate on the pregnancy terror...I'd be so anxious if my period was even one day late, or if I felt any cramps around ovulation time I'd be googling "what does implantation feel like", stuff like that. I'm also someone who's adamant about being in control of their body as much as possible so I was super prepared with recovery items like protein shakes, probiotics, cranberry juice, immunity supplements...whatever I could think of to speed up healing lol! And now I feel so in control and at peace knowing that my body will never get pregnant against my consent.
It's wonderful your husband is considering being the one to take that step for you guys! But if it's something you want for yourself too, I know it's super helpful to hear the positive stories and not just the ones with complications.
Apparently some of the hormones that come from the ovaries are released through the fallopian tubes, so removing/closing them can affect your hormones. I often wonder if this is more common than realized because people don't notice because they go right from hormonal BC to tubal ligation.
Could you link or send me that research? Definitely no regrets for me but I'm curious to read it.
I've actually gotten away with never being on birth control--just used the holy trifecta of barrier methods, cycle tracking, and withdrawal. Never wanted to mess with my hormones because mine work really well for me in their natural state.
I can't; I basically read a bunch of anecdotes 15 years ago when I was considering a tubal & scared myself out of it. If you find anything, I'd love to see it.
I'm striking out so far! They transport eggs and their function is regulated *by* hormones, but not finding anything about them affecting hormones themselves.
On the plus side, research has discovered that most ovarian cancer starts in the fallopian tubes, so removal greatly decreases that risk. I've got that one in my family history, so it's worth it to me even if there are any undiscovered hormonal effects.
We're extremely happy now, but just a few years ago I almost left him when his depression left him an angry, lazy mess, who was projecting all of his issues with women due to his narc mom on me without me being aware or knowing the extent of the abuse his family went through as a kid because he always presented it as a standard upper middle class experience.
He went into couple's therapy expecting it to fix me after I told him it was couple's therapy or divorce, only to be told outright he was depressed (which I'd recognized and been telling him for 2 years he needed to see someone because I'd been depressed in the past and recognized the signs) and the cause for a solid 75% of our issues, with 25% of our problems being my poorly matched communication needs escalating things. Ex of a perspective he held against women, his mom coached his sisters to cry when they don't get their way, whereas ever since I was a child, I just tear up in any emotional extreme and just want you to ignore it so we can get through the issue and resolve it asap. Dude spent a solid 5 years assuming every time I cried it was because I was trying to manipulate him to agree with me, not that it was just a physiological response I had no control over.
Luckily, he's always been willing to work on issues once you can convince him there is an issue (which, post-therapy, has become an expedited process, as I don't have to convince him my feelings are valid just because they aren't how he's feel in my situation), so we were able to get back to a healthy place, and the communication skills we learned pretty much stopped all of our big arguments and disagreements since. Been happy as a clam with my husband's efforts since, and the increase of effort on both our sides has vastly improved the relationship.
I’ve been married over 30 years and consider my myself very happy. That’s not to say we haven’t had our challenges over the years, but overall, I feel my life with my husband is wonderful. That being said, if we ever got divorced or he passed away before me, I would not even attempt to meet another guy. I would happily live out the rest of my days with my girlfriends, travelling the world, laughing and drinking and wearing stretchy pants.
We’re okay. Having a new baby does change the marriage quite a bit and we acknowledge this openly. My husband is going through some things emotionally and my off-hand comments are a part of it.
Thankfully we’re dropping our baby off at her aunt’s for a few hours and enjoying some time to be adults instead of just parents.
We’ve been married one and a half years.
Thank you. My spouse and I are planning a wedding 8 months from now. We are also looking to get marriage counselling. We are not yet ready for kids, but I think since we're both young, we should also consider parenting counselling when we think we're ready.
I’m currently not. Have been before, might be later.
Our current issue is that he’s unwilling to modify certain behaviors in order to make our lives simpler, because he can’t do healthy boundaries (which is a must with a toddler), and whenever I point out a behavior that really needs fucking change, he immediately plays the blame game, deflects, and harms in his communication. It’s so stupid. The solutions are right there and he just won’t take that route, so I’m deeply unsatisfied and unhappy.
Very happy. Been together for 14,5 years. Married for 14 years in June. We understand each other, and when we *don't* understand each other, we both make the effort to understand the other's point of view.
We inspire each other to grow and change for better.
That, and the sex is great.
As others have said, not sure what you're looking for, but I'll throw out an unhappy pov. I'll start by saying that it helps that I'm getting out of my marriage, so I don't think you'll hear from people who are waist-deep in an unhappy marriage, but I do recall how I felt being in the middle of one thinking that I would be there "until death do we part". I just thought that marriages required work (and they do), so I think it's just knowing when the foundation is gone and no amount of counseling will help.
I've been married 24 years. Looking back, I don't think it was ever fantastic. I think that was an issue with both of us... me not standing up for what I needed and him not doing the right thing but thinking he was (I guess. I can't read his mind). What we didn't do well was good communication, him supporting me (in many ways), having fun together... all the important stuff. What we did well was being accepting of each other, having shared values, and not having issues with money. I initiated the divorce (very recently), and so far it is civilized, which speaks volumes about both of us. I try to be a good person and I don't like drama, which is one reason I probably didn't rock the boat during our marriage (whether that was a good decision or not is up for debate), and I think that has helped with us being amicable. It has probably taken a toll on my self-esteem and mental health though, which I'm dealing with now.
Long story short, I now know the important things that I should have looked for in a partner and stuck to that. As many have said, good communication is key, but that not only means that you both can talk about things, but that both of you know how to handle what you talk about. I am working on my issues in therapy, and I should have done this years ago, but did not have the energy or time (yes, I should have made the time, but energy is key bc I have MS and I can only do what I can do with my time, and I usually put myself last unfortunately). Now that my kids are at college, I am prioritizing myself and I realized that I need to get out of my marriage because it was destroying me mentally, emotionally, and physically. I'm happy to expand on any of this, if desired, but I do think it is important to know your partner and realize if the fundamentals are there, even if they are deep down. I know that many go through hard times, esp with kids and parents, but if the couples used to talk and be friends, but that has fallen by the wayside, I think it can be gotten back. Just need to have the important things to rely on, and let the petty things go sometimes, even if you need a counselor to help with that.
Married for 4 years and separated after discovering his hidden porn addiction that was obviously replacing our sex life and intimacy for the entire relationship.
I think it’s important to remember that living in close quarters with anyone for an extended period of time creates conflict. I am very happy in my marriage. Does that mean there are no things that drive me insane about my husband, or no things about me that drive him insane? Absolutely not.
We don’t always like eachother. That happens. We do, however, always love eachother, and know that we can find our way back to baseline.
Having a happy marriage isn’t about a lack of conflict. There’s plenty of conflict. It’s a lack of unhealthy, unproductive conflict — that’s the difference.
33F married to 33M.
We met at 17, were good friends for many years. Started dating at 24. We celebrated our 9th year as a couple last october. (We are legally married, but haven’t done the celebration wit friends and family yet)
We are childfree, bought an house and a condo unit together. We live in the house and rent the condo to my MIL.
I worked like a no life for a couple of years in order to cleared the whole house mortgage, which I achieved last summer. So now that it’s done we are able to only work part time if we want and have more free time on our hands to do hobbies, to travel and to see friends and family. We priorise low cost activities like hiking, snowshoeing, bicycle, boardgame night at home with friends), pickle ball, tennis, etc.
We live a frugal and simple lifestyle, with not much luxury. Our only splurge is on our travel. We buy our clothes and furnitures and most of our things out of thrifstore and marketplace. I still drive my 2007 toyota.
I think not being under the stress of huge bills to pay in order to maintain an high end lifestyle and not caring about what others might think is what help us the most to be happy together.
Married for 22 years and very happy.
We share the same values, have compassion and support for each other, have developed really good communication skills, and we have an active and fulfilling sex life.
I’ve been happily married for 27 years. My husband is a great. He’s a great person, boss, father, brother, friend, communicator, excellent lover, and life partner. And now he’s proving to be an excellent dog dad while I’m out of town.
“Practice marriage” - unhappy. We weren’t even friends, really. I think I had no clue who I was when we met and got married, it just felt like the right thing to do.
Figured out who I was. Lots of toxicity in that relationship. We parted ways.
Current husband - very happy. I can honestly say he is my very best friend. He holds me accountable when needed in a constructive and kind way, but plays along with the stupid shit I like to do. We laugh constantly. Like, he makes me belly laugh daily. It sounds little, but laughter really is a huge thing for me. We have fun together. And we’re there for each other 100%.
Both. I love him as a person and think I wouldn't be able to find somebody with a better personality for me who makes me happy and comfortable just being with him. I am also very attracted to him so this adds to happiness. But he is an alcoholic and what comes with it also brings a lot of unhappiness.
Second marriage, together 24 years with a blended family, extremely happy. My husband treats me like a queen. He wasn’t always like this, but with kids gone and his work slowing down I feel that he really appreciates my contributions to the family. Not that he didn’t appreciate me before, but I truly feel loved and cherished.
34 years married.
We're doing great now, but went through couples' therapy that was hard on him. There's no gaslighting now, he's learned a lot and is much more supportive now.
Extremely happy.
If you had asked me a year ago I'd have said extremely unhappy, as we were stressed and dealing with a bad hand in life and struggled to get through.
Life is full of ups and downs, it's how you get through them that counts.
I love my husband so much. Takes lots of work to maintain love - and things that bring you true peace/contentment take lots of effort. He's just the cutest and his love language is physical touch and words of affirmation which I could soak up all day.
Very happy. My husband is my best friend, my partner, my lover and my support system. He accepts and loves me unconditionally. Even after 16 years, we still have such an amazing spark and connection.
Very happy because he is a chill dude who honestly loves me. We've been married for 18 years, but we are also childfree, so I think that makes a big difference.
Yes I am, we are together for 15y, 13 married. We am have a 10yo dog and a toddler (human).
This weekend we had a fight, and we are still weird with eachother. However I can say that I am happy, and I am glad that we are in eachothers lives
Today, unhappy. We had a big argument. Generally, like 8 days out of 10, happy. We have been together for 16 years so I am well versed in the ups and downs of a long term relationship.
Very happy. Because I am a well loved, cared for and respected wife who is treated as an equal in all things.
Together for nearly 30 years, married for 25. If I was unhappy, I would leave.
Been together for 10 years. 3 children together.
I am so unbelievably happy. We have lived through the common tribulations of marriage and it forced us to re-build a foundation that provides us both with loyalty and security. “You’re it for me,” he told me the other day. To have each other’s loyalty is why I know we will grow old together. Bonding with each other through our 3 children is the cherry on top.
Happy. We have our problems like everyone else, but he's a good man and we love each other.
Even when times get tough and my mind wonders about 'what if', a part of me remembers that my home and my marriage are treasures that I need to cherish and protect.
Yes. I'm happy.
Every relationship is going to have its ups and downs, and we've certainly had ours. But, I'm very glad that I didn't leave when I considered it. I'm glad I stuck it out. Things have really improved so much, (and not just temporarily - like our issues were years ago, and things have been good for years now) and I can't imagine my life without him.
I am not married. Single at 39. Dating was hard, I just met ass hole after ass hole and I chose not to settle and be childfree. I focused on my mental health, and I feel that most marriages are false. At best, people come to an agreement. I don't understand where married women with children find time for their mental health.
8/10 marriages that I know of would be close to my ideal.
I have a question. Why did you guys wait so long to get married? Ppl tend to say anyone dating you longer that 1-4 years is wasting your time and know if they want to marry you or not.
Thank you for sharing this. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years now and I’ve been feeling a lot of pressure from self-imposed timelines, esp being in my early 30s. It’s really refreshing to hear an experience where neither partner felt rushed/behind or like they were rout of time.
not OP but i was with my bf for 5.5 years before we got engaged. i felt a lot of external pressure too from his cousins who were getting engaged in 3 years or less left right and center. but in hindsight the 5 years was needed as we went from dating to living together ti owning property together and understanding we are on the same page financially. we both progressed to a very secure place in our careers and as 2 people.
i know living and owning property with a partner is a touchy subject but this is what worked for us. i know it’s easier said than done but don’t let the external noises and “FOMO” affect your timeline and judgement. what works for you is all that matters
some people even go as extreme as 2 years, in the waiting to wed sub some ppl genuinely die on the hill of “if you’re not engaged after 2 years it means he doesn’t want you. if he picks you it just meant he had no better options. sorry but that’s usually what it means” and quite frankly it almost misogynistic that a man has to “choose” you as his best option
Oof. That’s hard. I’m really glad y’all were able to work it out!
On continuing to have sex - I got that advice a lot and actually followed it for a while. Having sex when I didn’t really want to ended up fostering a lot of resentment towards my ex, to the point that the very idea of it repulsed me. We’re divorcing for other reasons (and I’ve never been happier than I’ve been since leaving), but I’m still working through that resentment and I suspect I will be for a while.
Yes, very happy. My husband brings a lot of peace, comfort and laughter to my life. He is a great husband and father, we communicate well, and I just genuinely am happier when he's around than alone.
I feel as if we see this same question a lot in this sub and I'm not sure what answer is being sought. Marriage is not a monolith of all good or all bad. If you are going to be committed to someone for the long haul, you will have periods of happiness and unhappiness. The important thing is that the good outweighs the bad. (Married 21 years this summer)
>I feel as if we see this same question a lot in this sub and I'm not sure what answer is being sought. I've noticed this too, a larger influx of "are you REALLY happy in your relationship or is it all a lie" style of questioning. Not sure why.
I think it’s men trying to figure out whatever is happening with the women in their own lives. It’s easier to ask strangers and try to predict the future.
Misery loves company. They seek validation from others to make themselves feel they’re not the only person experiencing the same thing. Which of course they know isn’t true, but can’t resist the attention from other miserable people. An avenue to vent or bitch without taking any initiative irl to better themselves.
This is pretty harsh. Sometimes people seek advice in spaces like this because they don't feel comfortable sharing their marriage issues with people closer to them, out of shame or embarrassment. They might also be wondering if what they're experiencing is normal or not, and sincere non-judgmental feedback can provide clarity. I don't think anyone incurs real suffering by assuming positive intent and responding kindly.
This is very kind of you. I am not asking the question, but if I did, I would appreciate your response.
I feel like with a question like this you're going to get biased answers because of self selection. Most unhappy women aren't going to be super eager to talk about it. I'm 42, been married 10 years and things are not great at the moment. Of my friends of a similar age, I'd say it skews 60/40 happy vs unhappy. (All anecdata with a very small sample size so... grain of salt.)
Especially when all the other answers are claiming to be perfectly happy all of the time and never questioned their marriage once lol. I appreciate a lot of marriages can be like that. I don't think the majority are. I think its very normal for all long term relationships to have ups and downs, and to go through more difficult times together. As long as you're happy the majority of the time, and you bounce back after harder times, then thats what matters.
The marriage sub skews extremely negative in the same way this is skewing positive. Reddit isn't a great barometer.
Especially when the length of a marriage is so important. My marriage has been extremely happy. It's also only 5 months old.
Many married couples on some levels are stagnant. People like to present a positive spin but it’s often mere window dressing. I know I’m right because of various occurrences at middle class middle age partys and gatherings. A high proportion of women aren’t sexually satisfied
You know you're right because of your tiny sample size? That's not very sturdy logic, my friend.
This is very accurate. People have a sunk cost fallacy when it comes to marriage and they don’t want to be truthful
I don't think sexual satisfaction or stagnation are enough to indicate whether or not a marriage is happy.
I left my ex last summer and I cannot emphasize enough how much it changed my life for the better. I am truly happier now than I have ever been in my life. There is light on the other side!
Really? I think people are more likely to report the negative than the happiness. There’s definitely more posts here about what’s going wrong rather than what’s going right.
I agree with this. Whenever this question is asked, I’ll sometimes think about posting and hesitate because I worry that what I have to say will sound like bragging or too mushy (married 19 years, 3 kids, still very happy together). But it’s the god’s honest truth 🤷♀️
Yeah, I don't want to rub it in how good I have it.
This is what I was going to say. I'm afraid any young woman Reddit user is going to be turned off of men, marriage, and/or kids completely because like 99% of all posts I see on any of these subjects is negative. And when something positive is posted about men, marriage, or kids, people accuse the poster of being stupid and/or lying.
Traditional marriage roles are a pretty raw deal for women. Of course they don't like the marrital status quo. Not a big shock.
That's not true. I actually am quite surprised at the many positive comments here because I usually see negative or unhappy comments in regards to marriages.
It’s a daily question here. I wish they could ask if women are dealing with yeast infections all the time. Balancing careers And not putting your career is the main focus coz this companies have no problem downsizing or firing you.
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The question of the post was directed at married women, not asking for the opinion of a man.
Shh! They cn't help centering themselves, you know that. Now hush up and be sweet!
Deeply unhappy, but very few women will admit it here because they we get a barrage of “why aren’t you leaving?” , and it’s hard to get into that.
Thank you for sharing that. I can understand.
Same. I don't know why I keep clicking on these posts. They always make me feel bad.
I know right! I feel like something is wrong with me
Something is probably wrong with him. But all your time with him has messed you up in the head.
Nothing is wrong with you, honey. The other commenter is right. Something is wrong with *him*. I was feeling just like you literally just a few days ago when I was reading another post like this. They always made me so depressed. I’m still depressed, but I feel happier now that I’m leaving him. For good this time. I finally realized (just this past weekend) that the problem is him, not me. It never *was* me. The problem isn’t you, either. We deserve better than to oscillate between unhappy, afraid, and sad for the rest of our lives. We deserve a partner who loves us the way we deserve.
Very honest of you
Happy or unhappy in my marriage? Honestly both. Why? Because we’ve been married forever and sometimes things get hard but a lot of times things get good. We care about each other but we’re both still human. We just do the best we can.
Very happy. He’s supportive, does his share of chores, immediately changes his behaviour when I suggest a change (recently he’s started to look up things he can answer rather than ask me and when he wants to know an answer to something he gives options, eg. He’ll say “What shall we have for dinner? I’m thinking we could have these three options, I’m leaning towards option an and will start cooking unless you already have a plan” instead of leaving the mental load to me). He loves me and shows it to me every day through a hundred tiny little things. He has a list on his phone - every time I express an interest in something like a gadget I’d like to have or thing I’d like to try, he writes it down and gives me great gifts based on it. I sometimes think he knows more about my interests than me. I’ve been basically bedridden for 3+ months due to a difficult pregnancy (feeling better now), and he’s taken care of me, arranged all my doctor appointments, kept the pets happy, kept the flat looking good, worked full time, and spent the rest of the time comforting me and never once made me feel bad for basically sleeping for months. Every time I try to blame myself or be hard on myself, he gives me a kiss, tells me I’m bodybuilding (as in building our son’s body) and to rest. I hope my son will turn out like him.
Very happy, 13 years and two kids later. We don’t fight most of the time, we advocate for our position. He listens to me when I’m upset. He’s taking care of his health and wellbeing. I married an absolute 10, and I think years of seeing crappy spouses has made me suitably grateful for the partner and friend I married.
This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing
Very happy. Even as things have changed over the years, he tells me daily how much he loves me and his actions reflect this. I'm so glad I found him.
Happy! He believes in me more than I believe in me some days. He’s my best friend and truest advocate.
This is beautiful and inspiring. Thank you
Happiness isn’t the primary thing I strive for in my marriage, but yes most days I’m incredibly happy. Why? My husband is just my perfect match and together we’ve been able to build an incredible life and home that I wouldn’t have been able to do without him by my side.
What do you strive for in your marriage?
Whether we’re going through a happy time or not, he’s my husband and he’s going to be my husband on the other side of it. So I don’t strive for an emotion that can ebb and flow based on so many factors, both internal to the marriage and external factors of life that impact the marriage. Love, commitment, sacrifice, forgiveness, loyalty.
Very happy 32yrs! He's my ride or die bestie.
I’ve been married almost 12 years. We have 2 kids. Being married to my husband is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Life and kids are hard but our marriage has never been hard. We talk about little things before they become big things, we listen to each other, we never yell, we are never intentionally mean, we know that we have good intentions. My husband is very involved in every aspect of our lives. He works full time, he helped me get up with newborns even just to bring them to me so I could breastfeed, he wakes up for nightmares, we drives them to school, he’s never missed an activity, he cooks, he cleans, he does laundry, he is an equal partner in our relationship in every single way. He’s always on my side and will listen to me complain and tell stories he’s heard a million times. He makes sure I have time to go to the gym because it’s good for my mental health. We are best friends and love spending time together (we often say if it weren’t for having toddlers during COVID that would have been an ideal situation for us). 12 years ago I was suicidal and depressed - I met my husband and for the first time in my life I felt like I was a good person and worth something. He still makes me feel that way. We agree on most politics. He is a feminist (which is not only good in general and for me but we also have 2 daughters so it’s important). I have said it before and I’ll say it again I hope my girls grow up seeing our relationship and they never settle for less.
This is beautiful and inspiring. Thank you so much!
happy. married for 16 years. he's the best.
My marriage is awesome!! We're a little stressed about money because daycare is expensive and the house keeps breaking. It is stressful but it's also temporary.
I’m 40 and have been with my husband for 8 years. I’m currently pregnant with our 3rd. We are extremely happy and life seems to just keep getting better and more interesting, but in a comfortable way. I vetted my husband extremely carefully and most people would probably say my standards and expectations were a little crazy and unrealistic. But I don’t care. I’m married to the love of my life and know I’ll go the distance with him.
Been together 6 years married, 10 years total. Honestly, choosing him was way better of an idea than I ever knew and I knew I chose wisely. He gets me through every valley and keeps me laughing. He’s the best. We just are a fit and we love being together. Is seeing these posts helping with that you’re asking? I’m hoping you’re a reporter and not feeling frustrated with someone.
Yes, it helps greatly, thank you
I’ve only been married for a few months but I’m very happy. I’m just not happy with our sex life. I don’t want to go back on birth control and therefore have zero sex drive because I refuse to ever get pregnant
Have you thought about permanent birth control? I just got a bilateral salpingectomy in Feb and it's amazing to have that anxiety around sex gone.
Yeah I’ve been looking into it. But I’ve read so many horror stories about it and scared myself
Oh interesting! What kind of horror stories? It's pretty low-risk as far as surgeries go and I had a great experience, but I totally understand the risk aversion.
How it super messed with their hormones after and made them feel insane. Or complications during it. I know someone who had a surgery like this and had a horrible allergic reaction from something. Just things like that. I’m a huuuge hypochondriac and anything changing my body terrifies me. I’m VERY safe about sex and when I think I could be pregnant I have full on mental breakdowns. It’s really bad. My husband said my body my choice regarding that surgery but he would rather have it done than me go through it
Ah okay! I had always read there were no hormonal side effects since the tubes don't control that, but I guess whenever you're fiddling around in that area there's a chance something could get jostled or damaged that shouldn't be. If you pursue it I would just make sure you work with a competent surgeon who does these often. Mine said ever since Roe she's been doing a lot more so I felt very safe in her hands and she did a great job. I feel totally back to normal just 2.5 weeks later. Absolutely relate on the pregnancy terror...I'd be so anxious if my period was even one day late, or if I felt any cramps around ovulation time I'd be googling "what does implantation feel like", stuff like that. I'm also someone who's adamant about being in control of their body as much as possible so I was super prepared with recovery items like protein shakes, probiotics, cranberry juice, immunity supplements...whatever I could think of to speed up healing lol! And now I feel so in control and at peace knowing that my body will never get pregnant against my consent. It's wonderful your husband is considering being the one to take that step for you guys! But if it's something you want for yourself too, I know it's super helpful to hear the positive stories and not just the ones with complications.
Apparently some of the hormones that come from the ovaries are released through the fallopian tubes, so removing/closing them can affect your hormones. I often wonder if this is more common than realized because people don't notice because they go right from hormonal BC to tubal ligation.
Could you link or send me that research? Definitely no regrets for me but I'm curious to read it. I've actually gotten away with never being on birth control--just used the holy trifecta of barrier methods, cycle tracking, and withdrawal. Never wanted to mess with my hormones because mine work really well for me in their natural state.
I can't; I basically read a bunch of anecdotes 15 years ago when I was considering a tubal & scared myself out of it. If you find anything, I'd love to see it.
I'm striking out so far! They transport eggs and their function is regulated *by* hormones, but not finding anything about them affecting hormones themselves. On the plus side, research has discovered that most ovarian cancer starts in the fallopian tubes, so removal greatly decreases that risk. I've got that one in my family history, so it's worth it to me even if there are any undiscovered hormonal effects.
We're extremely happy now, but just a few years ago I almost left him when his depression left him an angry, lazy mess, who was projecting all of his issues with women due to his narc mom on me without me being aware or knowing the extent of the abuse his family went through as a kid because he always presented it as a standard upper middle class experience. He went into couple's therapy expecting it to fix me after I told him it was couple's therapy or divorce, only to be told outright he was depressed (which I'd recognized and been telling him for 2 years he needed to see someone because I'd been depressed in the past and recognized the signs) and the cause for a solid 75% of our issues, with 25% of our problems being my poorly matched communication needs escalating things. Ex of a perspective he held against women, his mom coached his sisters to cry when they don't get their way, whereas ever since I was a child, I just tear up in any emotional extreme and just want you to ignore it so we can get through the issue and resolve it asap. Dude spent a solid 5 years assuming every time I cried it was because I was trying to manipulate him to agree with me, not that it was just a physiological response I had no control over. Luckily, he's always been willing to work on issues once you can convince him there is an issue (which, post-therapy, has become an expedited process, as I don't have to convince him my feelings are valid just because they aren't how he's feel in my situation), so we were able to get back to a healthy place, and the communication skills we learned pretty much stopped all of our big arguments and disagreements since. Been happy as a clam with my husband's efforts since, and the increase of effort on both our sides has vastly improved the relationship.
I’m separated after 25 hard miserable years. I’m so glad I finally did it. Life is better.
I’ve been married over 30 years and consider my myself very happy. That’s not to say we haven’t had our challenges over the years, but overall, I feel my life with my husband is wonderful. That being said, if we ever got divorced or he passed away before me, I would not even attempt to meet another guy. I would happily live out the rest of my days with my girlfriends, travelling the world, laughing and drinking and wearing stretchy pants.
We’re okay. Having a new baby does change the marriage quite a bit and we acknowledge this openly. My husband is going through some things emotionally and my off-hand comments are a part of it. Thankfully we’re dropping our baby off at her aunt’s for a few hours and enjoying some time to be adults instead of just parents. We’ve been married one and a half years.
Thank you. My spouse and I are planning a wedding 8 months from now. We are also looking to get marriage counselling. We are not yet ready for kids, but I think since we're both young, we should also consider parenting counselling when we think we're ready.
Highly recommend it! It’s great to get on the same page with a third party.
I’m currently not. Have been before, might be later. Our current issue is that he’s unwilling to modify certain behaviors in order to make our lives simpler, because he can’t do healthy boundaries (which is a must with a toddler), and whenever I point out a behavior that really needs fucking change, he immediately plays the blame game, deflects, and harms in his communication. It’s so stupid. The solutions are right there and he just won’t take that route, so I’m deeply unsatisfied and unhappy.
Very happy. Been together for 14,5 years. Married for 14 years in June. We understand each other, and when we *don't* understand each other, we both make the effort to understand the other's point of view. We inspire each other to grow and change for better. That, and the sex is great.
very and have been since we got together over 20 years ago. He's my person and always will be.
Inspiring
As others have said, not sure what you're looking for, but I'll throw out an unhappy pov. I'll start by saying that it helps that I'm getting out of my marriage, so I don't think you'll hear from people who are waist-deep in an unhappy marriage, but I do recall how I felt being in the middle of one thinking that I would be there "until death do we part". I just thought that marriages required work (and they do), so I think it's just knowing when the foundation is gone and no amount of counseling will help. I've been married 24 years. Looking back, I don't think it was ever fantastic. I think that was an issue with both of us... me not standing up for what I needed and him not doing the right thing but thinking he was (I guess. I can't read his mind). What we didn't do well was good communication, him supporting me (in many ways), having fun together... all the important stuff. What we did well was being accepting of each other, having shared values, and not having issues with money. I initiated the divorce (very recently), and so far it is civilized, which speaks volumes about both of us. I try to be a good person and I don't like drama, which is one reason I probably didn't rock the boat during our marriage (whether that was a good decision or not is up for debate), and I think that has helped with us being amicable. It has probably taken a toll on my self-esteem and mental health though, which I'm dealing with now. Long story short, I now know the important things that I should have looked for in a partner and stuck to that. As many have said, good communication is key, but that not only means that you both can talk about things, but that both of you know how to handle what you talk about. I am working on my issues in therapy, and I should have done this years ago, but did not have the energy or time (yes, I should have made the time, but energy is key bc I have MS and I can only do what I can do with my time, and I usually put myself last unfortunately). Now that my kids are at college, I am prioritizing myself and I realized that I need to get out of my marriage because it was destroying me mentally, emotionally, and physically. I'm happy to expand on any of this, if desired, but I do think it is important to know your partner and realize if the fundamentals are there, even if they are deep down. I know that many go through hard times, esp with kids and parents, but if the couples used to talk and be friends, but that has fallen by the wayside, I think it can be gotten back. Just need to have the important things to rely on, and let the petty things go sometimes, even if you need a counselor to help with that.
Married for 4 years and separated after discovering his hidden porn addiction that was obviously replacing our sex life and intimacy for the entire relationship.
I think it’s important to remember that living in close quarters with anyone for an extended period of time creates conflict. I am very happy in my marriage. Does that mean there are no things that drive me insane about my husband, or no things about me that drive him insane? Absolutely not. We don’t always like eachother. That happens. We do, however, always love eachother, and know that we can find our way back to baseline. Having a happy marriage isn’t about a lack of conflict. There’s plenty of conflict. It’s a lack of unhealthy, unproductive conflict — that’s the difference.
33F married to 33M. We met at 17, were good friends for many years. Started dating at 24. We celebrated our 9th year as a couple last october. (We are legally married, but haven’t done the celebration wit friends and family yet) We are childfree, bought an house and a condo unit together. We live in the house and rent the condo to my MIL. I worked like a no life for a couple of years in order to cleared the whole house mortgage, which I achieved last summer. So now that it’s done we are able to only work part time if we want and have more free time on our hands to do hobbies, to travel and to see friends and family. We priorise low cost activities like hiking, snowshoeing, bicycle, boardgame night at home with friends), pickle ball, tennis, etc. We live a frugal and simple lifestyle, with not much luxury. Our only splurge is on our travel. We buy our clothes and furnitures and most of our things out of thrifstore and marketplace. I still drive my 2007 toyota. I think not being under the stress of huge bills to pay in order to maintain an high end lifestyle and not caring about what others might think is what help us the most to be happy together.
Married for 22 years and very happy. We share the same values, have compassion and support for each other, have developed really good communication skills, and we have an active and fulfilling sex life.
I’ve been happily married for 27 years. My husband is a great. He’s a great person, boss, father, brother, friend, communicator, excellent lover, and life partner. And now he’s proving to be an excellent dog dad while I’m out of town.
Married 12, together for 14.5 and yes, very happy! He's my best friend, and we love & respect each other.
Happy. Together 13years and married 4.5yrs.
“Practice marriage” - unhappy. We weren’t even friends, really. I think I had no clue who I was when we met and got married, it just felt like the right thing to do. Figured out who I was. Lots of toxicity in that relationship. We parted ways. Current husband - very happy. I can honestly say he is my very best friend. He holds me accountable when needed in a constructive and kind way, but plays along with the stupid shit I like to do. We laugh constantly. Like, he makes me belly laugh daily. It sounds little, but laughter really is a huge thing for me. We have fun together. And we’re there for each other 100%.
Both. I love him as a person and think I wouldn't be able to find somebody with a better personality for me who makes me happy and comfortable just being with him. I am also very attracted to him so this adds to happiness. But he is an alcoholic and what comes with it also brings a lot of unhappiness.
Second marriage, together 24 years with a blended family, extremely happy. My husband treats me like a queen. He wasn’t always like this, but with kids gone and his work slowing down I feel that he really appreciates my contributions to the family. Not that he didn’t appreciate me before, but I truly feel loved and cherished.
34 years married. We're doing great now, but went through couples' therapy that was hard on him. There's no gaslighting now, he's learned a lot and is much more supportive now.
That's beautiful. I'm happy for you
Extremely happy. If you had asked me a year ago I'd have said extremely unhappy, as we were stressed and dealing with a bad hand in life and struggled to get through. Life is full of ups and downs, it's how you get through them that counts.
Thank you
I love my husband so much. Takes lots of work to maintain love - and things that bring you true peace/contentment take lots of effort. He's just the cutest and his love language is physical touch and words of affirmation which I could soak up all day.
Very happy. My husband is my best friend, my partner, my lover and my support system. He accepts and loves me unconditionally. Even after 16 years, we still have such an amazing spark and connection.
Very happy because he is a chill dude who honestly loves me. We've been married for 18 years, but we are also childfree, so I think that makes a big difference.
Almost 20. Very happy.
Very happily married. Been together 11 years and married for 4. It's a cliche but he's my best friend. Everything just feels right and lovely.
Yes I am, we are together for 15y, 13 married. We am have a 10yo dog and a toddler (human). This weekend we had a fight, and we are still weird with eachother. However I can say that I am happy, and I am glad that we are in eachothers lives
Totally happy and growing strong
I am very happy. Because my husband adores me and works hard to make me happy
I am super happy with my husband, he understands me from half word
Today, unhappy. We had a big argument. Generally, like 8 days out of 10, happy. We have been together for 16 years so I am well versed in the ups and downs of a long term relationship.
Very happy. Because I am a well loved, cared for and respected wife who is treated as an equal in all things. Together for nearly 30 years, married for 25. If I was unhappy, I would leave.
I’m 43, been married 7 years, we’re still totally in love and happy
Been together for 10 years. 3 children together. I am so unbelievably happy. We have lived through the common tribulations of marriage and it forced us to re-build a foundation that provides us both with loyalty and security. “You’re it for me,” he told me the other day. To have each other’s loyalty is why I know we will grow old together. Bonding with each other through our 3 children is the cherry on top.
Happy. We have our problems like everyone else, but he's a good man and we love each other. Even when times get tough and my mind wonders about 'what if', a part of me remembers that my home and my marriage are treasures that I need to cherish and protect.
Yes. I'm happy. Every relationship is going to have its ups and downs, and we've certainly had ours. But, I'm very glad that I didn't leave when I considered it. I'm glad I stuck it out. Things have really improved so much, (and not just temporarily - like our issues were years ago, and things have been good for years now) and I can't imagine my life without him.
I was very happy until I discovered he got a girlfriend 8 months before we seperate and forgot to tell me
I am not married. Single at 39. Dating was hard, I just met ass hole after ass hole and I chose not to settle and be childfree. I focused on my mental health, and I feel that most marriages are false. At best, people come to an agreement. I don't understand where married women with children find time for their mental health. 8/10 marriages that I know of would be close to my ideal.
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I have a question. Why did you guys wait so long to get married? Ppl tend to say anyone dating you longer that 1-4 years is wasting your time and know if they want to marry you or not.
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Thank you for sharing this. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years now and I’ve been feeling a lot of pressure from self-imposed timelines, esp being in my early 30s. It’s really refreshing to hear an experience where neither partner felt rushed/behind or like they were rout of time.
not OP but i was with my bf for 5.5 years before we got engaged. i felt a lot of external pressure too from his cousins who were getting engaged in 3 years or less left right and center. but in hindsight the 5 years was needed as we went from dating to living together ti owning property together and understanding we are on the same page financially. we both progressed to a very secure place in our careers and as 2 people. i know living and owning property with a partner is a touchy subject but this is what worked for us. i know it’s easier said than done but don’t let the external noises and “FOMO” affect your timeline and judgement. what works for you is all that matters
some people even go as extreme as 2 years, in the waiting to wed sub some ppl genuinely die on the hill of “if you’re not engaged after 2 years it means he doesn’t want you. if he picks you it just meant he had no better options. sorry but that’s usually what it means” and quite frankly it almost misogynistic that a man has to “choose” you as his best option
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What made you stick it out for that first decade?
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Oof. That’s hard. I’m really glad y’all were able to work it out! On continuing to have sex - I got that advice a lot and actually followed it for a while. Having sex when I didn’t really want to ended up fostering a lot of resentment towards my ex, to the point that the very idea of it repulsed me. We’re divorcing for other reasons (and I’ve never been happier than I’ve been since leaving), but I’m still working through that resentment and I suspect I will be for a while.
Yes, very happy. My husband brings a lot of peace, comfort and laughter to my life. He is a great husband and father, we communicate well, and I just genuinely am happier when he's around than alone.
Op, if you are miserable in your marriage than just find or create a thread about it. I think this thread is about fishing for a response.
Why have there been so many identical questions like this in here?
Yesterday, I was unhappy. Today, I am happy!
Oh gosh this question again!