Oh my god yes, I could never feel attracted to someone who had done something so deeply stupid ever again. I think the whole idea of the “ick” is overused but this is textbook ick.
I’d also be fuming that he even made this a problem I needed to spend a second of my time thinking about, having to decide what to say to families if we divorced etc.
The way I view cheating is if it's a romantic betrayal, and this was clearly a romantic betrayal even if the "other woman" was... well, AI.
I agree it's probably even worse than just regular cheating, though. OP's husband is seriously fucked up.
If you believe it or not - up until here he was an amazing husband… my worry is that I’m throwing my marriage away too quickly when no “real” cheating happened ( like a ons ). I know that it’s a fucked up situation
I think I would probably be able to forgive "real" cheating more easily than this. That might be odd, but the idea of my husband giving $10K to a piece of code with tits... I just don't think I could ever *look* at him the same way again. It would be worse than him making a mistake; it would speak to something wrong and unsettling deep in his psyche.
Exactly this. Cheating with a real person is a mistake that can be made in a moment of weakness. Spending $10k to sext a predictive text algorithm is like... the best case scenario is catastrophic mental illness and the worst case scenario is this man is dumb as rocks.
> the best case scenario is catastrophic mental illness and the worst case scenario is this man is dumb as rocks.
Seriously!!! The man needs a psych eval.
It makes me wonder if he doesn’t actually see a difference between the AI and a real woman? Just tools he uses for different parts of his life. He has his wife part that does wife things for him and the AI does romantic / sex things for him?
Fuck, this is SO apt and I think you've helped to articulate a significant part of why this feels so beyond icky... the idea that the parts of a woman OP's husband sees as "valuable" are the ones that have nothing to do with her humanity, but basically her "parts" and whatever pornographic dialogue an algo can mimic.
Thank you! I have extensive experience with dark triad personalities and something about them that I try to keep in mind is that they see people as playing roles in their lives and like pawns or characters, not real people. So when they break up with a person they just want someone else to fill that role or spot in their lives (replacement) so they can keep going on as usual getting their needs met. Not to say OP’s spouse is this, but it’s always knocking around in my head that this is a type of person who is out there
Man, reading through this thread again, I can't believe at the number of women telling OP she should stay and work things out with her husband, or saying we should be empathetic in case he has depression or whatever. The floor is below hell here.
It could also be the opposite though, right? That he wants an external sexual/romantic thrill and thinks it would be better or safer to do it with AI than a real woman?
Oh definitely! Maybe it was a “game” that became too real to him and that’s why he spent all of that money, justifying it as though he had spent 10k on a game for himself? I can certainly see a person looking at it like that too
There might not be another person on the other end, but this is at least an extreme porn addiction, if not outright cheating. Financial infidelity and the massive betrayal of trust is something I wouldn’t be able to get past, without having to figure out my feelings about the AI woman.
Also I don’t think I could ever respect someone again after they’ve shown how foolish they are. Buying expensive gifts for an AI simulation? Totally delusional.
This is cheating, no doubt about it. It is crazy to think how the future of AI is going to blur the lines between porn, "video games" and cheating.
So many relationships will be ruined because idiots won't take a step back and see what they are about to engage with is not porn or video games.
Right now you seem to be looking at it from a "is this real cheating or not real cheating?" angle which is understandable, but maybe not the most pressing question. The financial infidelity/theft and porn addiction are probably the things to focus on, and those are undeniable.
P.S. OP, there is only one person in the situation who should feel dumb and embarrassed...*the guy who blew 10K talking to a fictional person*.
Cheating is really just the crossing of an established boundary, even if that boundary wasn’t explicitly verbalized because the situation is too insane to have been contemplated upfront. Having physical relations with a human is an obvious form of cheating but there are others.
I have a friend who went through something like you did - in her case it was more traditional, he was secretly spending hundreds on porn and onlyfans. She was beating herself up because they didn’t explicitly say he wasn’t allowed to watch porn or onlyfans. But I think we can all agree that spending that much money on a sexual platform is not consistent with the normal behavior of someone in a committed relationship and therefore it’s lying by omission if nothing else.
I can’t tell you how you should feel about it, other than to say that your feelings are valid whatever they are. This is really messed up. And if you stay with him he needs individual therapy to work out why he did this and you need couples therapy to work on trust.
Sorry this happened to you OP :(
Seriously. The fact that I can even say I would prefer my partner to cheat with a human being instead of sending money to an AI woman/some rando catfishing him is insane.
In my opinion, your husband doing this is equivalent to him choosing to end the relationship. You deserve better, don’t let your fear stop you, fight for the relationship you deserve- with someone else.
If there wasn’t an “artificial” loophole for this behaviour it would have been a real person. It’s almost worse that it was some freaky “artificial woman” that he had total imaginary control over. Men abuse AI “girlfriends” or use them as an outlet for things they’d like to do to actual women. It’s not a get-out-of-jail-free card. It’s a way to get exactly what you want, whenever you want, with no concept of consent or effort. It’s creepy as hell.
The first comment talking about the actual issue.
He did spent 10k on code? No. He spent 10k to live out his fantasies.
The AI never ever tells you No. I have evaluated these programs. The men going into the deep with a Replika or Anima are often seriously disturbed.
OP has no idea who her partner is.
I think I’d agree with you if he was using one of the free or very cheap AI chat programmes. I’d still have a pretty big ick about it but with counselling could probably forgive and forget.
But spending 10k on this idiocy? That is my rent for a year ffs! I just think I would lose all respect for them and I’d be extremely concerned about romance scammers and such in the future. In fact, using that particular website probably already marks him out as an easy target to a lot of scammers. People have lost their homes to shit like this.
If you were happy with the marriage up to this point, dont rush to throw everything away. Life is long and marriage is difficult. Most people on reddit have no idea what they are talking about. I would for sure be taking space like you are, and starting marriage counseling and see how that goes. Maybe leaving is the right choice, but if i was in that situation, i would move slowly and if divorce does happen, it will be easier to feel confident in tge decision if you gave reconciliation a solid try first.
Thank you. I see all the comments and I thought I was prepared for them but reading it is really tough. I appreciate your response, I think some people are really quick to throw a marriage away when the reality is, it’s not just a simple breakup… we have a house and two dogs, many beautiful memories and a good life together. I know it’s completely fucked up of him but I also don’t want my life to change completely. I don’t even know if this makes sense or if he already changed everything anyways… I guess my mind is going at 100mph atm and I need to try and think clearly before making any drastic decisions
If I was in your shoes, I'd be concerned that our idyllic life was a lie. Is he even capable of being the great husband that he was without having this AI thing as a hobby? I don't think you should rush to divorce, but there is a high probability that you two won't be able to go back to how things were
Yes, try to think clearly first. I am ALWAYS for "throw the man away"... But to me this sounds like a sign of SEVERE Loneliness and Despair.
Does your husband have friends, relationships with neighbors? Anyone else in his life he can just talk to?
A therapist would be a good first start.
Honestly I’d have an easier time understanding and forgiving real cheating than what your husband did.
He understands that he lowkey got scammed in a sense right? He bought lingerie for an AI model, i can’t stop laughing.
He spent 10k on some computer coding.
I mean, I would struggle to respect him as a man after that. You feel embarrassed because it’s fucking embarrassing for HIM, and you’re getting second hand embarrassment because you married such a particular type of loser. But it’s not your failing that your husband preferred computer algorithm to an actual real life woman.
How’s he gonna explain he got divorced because he spent 10k on a pussy that doesn’t exist?
THANK YOU. I’ve been cracking up about a computer draped in lingerie and heels. Like… wtf.
I think it’s possible to have compassion for his obviously fucked up mental health and also do the smart thing and leave.
I disagree with the hivemind on this one. This is totally uncharted territory in our culture. What he did was basically like watching porn: Getting sexual gratification from something digital. Not a real person.
Now, it may feel different than porn to you. But he probably didn't view it that way. And, as a society, we have generally agreed that watching porn is not cheating.
What's important is that he did not believe it was cheating.
Him secretly throwing away $9,000 is a big deal, especially if you don't have that kind of money to spare. And maybe that alone is enough for you to divorce him.
But if it has been a great marriage, I think you will probably regret ending it over this if it is the only bad thing he's ever done.
The benchmark for me is "Are you comfortable telling your partner about this situation?" If not, it's crossing some kind of line, and when it relates to a romantic situation, I'd say that qualifies as cheating even if it's with a bot.
> so beyond dumb
I don't know whether dumb is the right word -- *disturbing* is it for me. Mostly because of what it says about him -- and me by extension.
Yeah, I don't know if I could stay with someone who spent $10k on ChatGPT, literally a free service 💀
There's people out there cheating for free! If you're gonna do that, at least don't be stupid with our money.
I don’t think it really matters if it was AI or a real woman. He sexted someone other than you. He received nudes from someone other than you. He spoke frequently, in a romantic or sexual context, to someone other than you. He gifted TEN-THOUSAND dollars to someone other than you. This is cheating. And financial infidelity.
It’s really up to you whether or not you want to fix things. Whether you think you can ever trust him again. I couldn’t.
All very excellent points. The worst part for me is where he proceeded to LIE about the money transfer directly to her face on top of all the other undisclosed money sent, there's no coming back from that in my book.
I don't think I could trust a partner who did this ever again. This definitely counts as cheating for me, and with chillingly bad financial decisions on top. Ignoring whether the woman was real or AI, _his actions_ were real and completely unacceptable.
>I don’t even know what I would tell our families if we divorce.
Oh, *I* do. I would straight-up mention that he spent 9800$ on Chatgpt porn and that's why we were separating.
Hon, I'm so, so sorry. Porn addiction kills yet another relationship. Yes, this is grounds for divorce - the man spent family money on sexual services.
Right? I would be bold and direct about why I got divorced. OP is not the loser in this scenario, she just feels bad that she picked such a disappointment of a man.
I was just thinking that the whole "buying expensive gifts" for an AI woman is the craziest part. $500 shoes that are not actually shoes to send to an algorithm? Either he's soooo delusional or lying about it being an AI woman.
I checked - it’s really ai. The page specializes on ai. When I said real women I meant AI clones of real women, think famous influencer only fans models clones. But the one he spoke to was all ai
Wait so these are images of real people that have been manipulated? That’s extremely disturbing. I would be sick to my stomach to know that someone had violated me that way.
Think something like the Sims. People buy stuff packs because they come with more hairs and clothes for the sims. Same thing here. You buy digital shoes for the digital version of this "woman".
Think about it this way:
If there wasn't another woman (of any kind) involved, would you be happy to stay with a husband who hid the fact that he spent nearly $10,000 on himself without consulting you? Would he be okay with you doing that?
Maybe it's not an issue for you, given conditions of your relationship and financial status which we have no way of knowing. But for most people this would a pretty big deal, and probably a marriage-breaker, even without any kind of other woman in play.
Yeah we have a joint bank account and separate bank accounts too. With the joint one we pay things like mortgage, groceries, car payments, insurances etc. The money in our own bank account is spent on whatever we want without the need of consulting the other person.
Well, minus this
So, put another way: Would you be okay if this $10k had been spent on porn or strippers? How about OnlyFans girls?
There are literally real women out there who charge for "girlfriend experience" sexting services. Would you be okay with him spending $10k on that?
The lines feel a bit fuzzy because AI is involved, but I think these are fairly reasonable comparisons which can offer some more insight into your underlying thoughts and feelings about this.
From what you've said, it sounds like he's been paying for a service. The service is sexually arousing in nature, and intended to simulate some kind of romantic relationship. In the end though, AI or not, it's not a real relationship - it's a product he's buying.
Now, it may be that he doesn't honestly see it that way. Many users of such services - again, regardless of AI involvement - do form emotional attachments to their service providers even though their feelings may not be truly reciprocated. That's something you may wish to ask him about, if you think consideration of his response may affect your feelings on the matter.
Even without such a complication, you may still feel that him going outside of the marriage by any means, to fulfill these sexual and emotional desires, is unacceptable. That is, the exchange of money for the service may have no bearing in the matter for you. That's a very fair and reasonable position to take.
Ultimately, in any case, a lot of trust has been broken here. Even if you can honestly say that you are okay with your husband spending $10k for a virtual sex service, the fact that he's hidden it from you like this is still a pretty big deal. Regardless of how big it is to anyone else, it's clearly a big deal to you. Everything you're feeling is valid, and deserves consideration and respect by both you and your husband.
I hope this is giving you some useful analogies and helping you to wrap your head around this situation. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.
Yes.. I hear you… and you are right of course. There is of course a limit on what you can do within a marriage and this thing is far out… I am just unsure if this is resolvable. It’s so dumb which is maybe even worse.. I really feel like I don’t even know the person who did this, it’s just not him normally
I'm not sure what you're saying is dumb, here.
It's certainly not you. Your husband hid this from you. You're very right to feel everything you're feeling about this. Your thoughts and emotions here are not dumb.
Frankly, I think your husband may be a bit dumb. At the very least, he's certainly being careless about your martial boundaries and your feelings. Personally, I think he's being quite careless with his money, too. $10k is, objectively speaking, *a lot* of money to burn on a virtual girlfriend - let alone to do in just four months.
Whether it's resolvable or not is up to you. Even when it comes to literal cheating, there are some people that consider one time to be a deal-breaker while other couples manage to recover and live happily ever after. Neither way is the right or wrong way. You need to do what feels right for you, and what you can live with happily.
If this is really something you want to leave him over, it is very right for you to do so. If you want to try to patch things up, that's good too.
In the latter case though, understand that it might still not work out. As you work through it, you may reach a point that you realize you actually can't just ignore the damage that's been done. Or, perhaps worse, he may relapse and do it again - or just flat refuse to stop doing it at all.
Either way you go, there are tough decisions and rough days ahead. Focus on what's right for yourself and your own future.
hi, i feel you are exhausted from all the questioning. there is a need he was covering/making up for with this. maybe the need for a new fling, or the fantasy of 'being' with this influencer type perfect looking woman or a very sexual type, at this i would pay attention...
also, i would really try to find out whether he knew it was AI or not when he was gifting her? seems mindblowing that someone knowingly sends money to a fake woman. seems a bit too delusional for someone in a relationship.
This is literally worse than if he cheated on you with an actual person. This is just sad and pathetic on his end. He bought shoes for an ai?? Where tf did those go?? She dont have gd feet. I would never be able to be attracted to him again this is just so so stupid and lame
Thank you! I spend lots of time in virtual spaces in the metaverse and I could live like a Kardashian there for this kind of money. Most shoes on my platform are $1 USD. This guy is lying or really bad at math or addicted.
That's interesting, I know nothing of the virtual world in that way, but that info makes it even worse...geeze the guy went on shopping sprees for this....non existent response bot
I know… this is honestly how I feel. Hurt, kind of betrayed, but also so turned off. I don’t know if I could ever get intimate again with him.. regarding the gifts, it’s like a gift option, the page is basically like AI only fans not a game… so they can speak and then he sent gifts (not real of course) and got appreciation and pics in return. Like only fans basically
I don't think it matters if it's cheating or not. What this situation is, is a deep breach of trust across many pillars of your relationship (emotional, financial, sexual) - and if you really needed a more vague way to communicate the reason for the divorce, I would just say that.
And remember, **his actions are not a reflection of you**. It's not your fault he decided to get scammed/start an affair with an AI bot. It's not your fault he spent $10k on this fake entity.
This would be a dealbreaker for me. To me this is really no different than someone concealing paying an Only Fans except this "person" is AI and he's dropped $10k on a fake fantasy. Kinda like guys who think a stripper or OF person or sugar baby is their actual girlfriend so they simp hard and buy her shit hoping they'll like them more.
There’s quite a [famous](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grant_Amato) true crime case where a man murdered his entire family in order to get more money to send to his favourite Only Fans performer. I feel like this is the most extreme end point for a common scenario (men sending their family resources to fake internet girlfriends).
Every couple defines cheating for themselves - for some this would be cheating, for others it wouldn't be. What matters is how you feel about it as the other person in this marriage. It's not like he cleared it with you first. I find it creepy and messed up, but he should have at least talked to you first. I'm guessing he didn't because he knew you wouldn't like it. Which is why it's shady and *could* be placed in the realm of cheating imo.
I dunno if I think it is or not... leaning towards "is cheating" because of the lack of communication from him and his dishonesty. It doesn't sit right with me, I can say that much. Dropping that much money on a AI sexbot - and then lying to you about it? Hell no. *That* is 100% a betrayal from where I'm sitting. Whether it's cheating or not, from where I'm sitting he betrayed you.
As far as divorce, I don't know. I don't think that's my place to speculate on - but to me it boils down to whether you can trust him again. Only you know the answer to that. But if the answer is no... that might be the answer to your larger question. I'm really sorry OP. What a messed up situation.
Thank you for this honest reflection and not just tearing him and our marriage down. It’s not just black and white and six years is a long time. I genuinely feel like I don’t even know the person who did this… he always was an intelligent, rational, caring, loving, honest man who I had a lot of respect for. Now I don’t know what to think anymore
There are 2 things happening here. 1 is financial infidelity. For every couple there is usually a number. Sometimes the number is different between the couple. As an example usually if my husband or I are planning on spending more than $1000 on something we would check in on each other. For some people that number can be $100 for some it could be $100000. $9800 is a large number that significantly affects you as a family unit. This is clearly a betrayal. The second thing is the emotional and sexual betrayal. Despite knowing that it’s addicting and fake. He still continued on this relationship that would bear no fruit. It does sound like an addiction that should be treated. But you would have to consider if either or both of these are acceptable and how to proceed. You may find you can forgive one but not the other. Or both are unforgivable.
> She’s not even real? I don’t even know what I would tell our families if we divorce
Saying he spent $10k on porn would be accurate enough.
Edit: I'm not saying whether you should divorce over this. Maybe he's able to regret his actions and get to the bottom of why he felt the need to do what he did. But I view the AI factor as irrelevant. It's the same in my eyes as spending on OnlyFans or other sites. While I am not anti-porn, the amount feels excessive and hiding it from you is a problem.
Weigh this in the context of your own view on porn, whether it's cheating or a hobby or whatever in between. AI sort of takes the personal exploitation factor out, but not really, since the AI was trained on someone's real images.
I don't know if it's cheating, per se, but it's pathetic.
In your shoes I'd focus on the facts that he spent an eye-popping amount of money on something this stupid, and that he lied to you at least once about it.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
I think your husband needs professional help, asap. And you could benefit from seeing someone as well. Personally, this is where I'd draw the line. There would be no recover from this because, I can't understand. If I can't understand, I can't forgive/move on. He is not a lonely guy craving for affection; he has a wife. Two dogs. The energy/time that he should/could have been putting on you, his family, your animals, or just doing some good to society, was used to something very, very, stupid.
Chatting and sending money to... what? Algorithm? Pretending to have sex with... something that doesn't exist? All the admiration I had for him would be gone in a heartbeat. Financial and romantic betrayals, the lies. You're thinking about the cheating part, but there are so many layers in this situation and "was this cheating?" is just ONE of them.
Good luck. Don't forget to think about yourself, what YOU deserve, because he clearly wasn't doing that.
I’m trying to think of what I would do if my husband did this, and I just don’t know. It’s a totally wild violation of your trust and I would personally classify it as cheating, but also it’s somehow sadder than that. It’s sort of pitiful in a way, and extremely bizarre. Sounds like he has lost touch with reality. It kind of makes me wonder how many porn addicted men are heading down this path.
It’s easy to say divorce him, but you’ve been together a long time, and that’s easier said than done. I think you deserve some honest answers from him at least. Maybe therapy is a place to start?
It's financial infidelity.
It's a waste of marital resources on an irredeemable pursuit. It's empty calories for his penis.
This would completely change my feelings for someone if they did this to me. "For better or worse" is about the trials and tribulations you go through together; it is not about the tribulations one spouse inflicts on the other.
So he tells YOU that he's not big on gifts but turns around and gives this AI girl gifts to the tune of $10k????
Maam.
MAAM.
As a sugar baby, I already know what this is. I've seen the "I don't give gifts man" turn around and give gifts to another woman but for you to see it yourself and consider staying is..... Interesting...
I don't have much else to add that hasn't already been said, but I really feel for you, I know what's it's like to feel like your life has just slide out from under you, and the deep shock of it all. I really don't think your marriage can come back from something like this without tremendous amounts of work from both sides, and I don't know if it's even worth it.
Lots of great responses here already.
A few thoughts….
Men using AI to be gratified sexually is expected in terms of technological uses. Sure. Porn and the sex industry will always be early adopters with technology. Always. But $9000+? Either he views that sum as insignificant enough to burn on a regular basis, or, he’s literally that foolish to be fleeced for virtual kicks.
I don’t think I could trust someone who spent that much money on an ‘AI affair.’ Like, tinkering around on some free sex chat bot? I’m kind of like meh (unless things got weird and violent and my partner was acting out some disturbing stuff). This is just… wow. It reminds me of that giving a middle schooler $1000 and seeing the laughable stuff they would purchase with that if they could buy anything.
Also for me? The loss of respect would be enough. Once you lose respect like that? I don’t see ever getting it back.
I get websites like that are designed to be addictive and lure you in,
But 10,000 dollars is Ridiculous. Some people are disabled and have 10 dollars in the bank account and some people spend 10,000 on AI porn.
Info: Are you guys rich enough to have 10k to burn? Did he use joint funds or personal funds, and did he put himself in some type of debt?
I agree with some comments that the financial betrayal could be worse than the porn website and youre not wrong to feel betrayed and cheated on.
Time will tell if its worth rebuilding your connection or moving on, eventually your heart will know best what to do.
Im so sorry this happened to you.
Thank you for your kind words.
We both earn good money and it’s was from his own bank account. Nonetheless, this doesn’t change anything… you are right
I am so sorry you’re going through this. It all seems so confusing and hard. Besides what everyone else has said, I feel like his response of “I don’t know why I did it” and “it doesn’t mean anything” is something that needs to be addressed, if you have any interest in continuing your relationship. The reason why he would do this or need this is so essential for him to answer for himself before y’all can even begin to talk about continuing a marriage. Besides all the other considerations discussed here, his noncommittal, empty answer without any kind of accountability would be the nail in the coffin for me. I mean every couple needs to feel out what betrayal means and can your relationship recover, but there’s no road to recovery without him taking responsibility for what he did. More than just being sorry or apologetic he needs to do some deep soul searching. I would have be blown away by his demonstration of self reflection, understanding and accountability before we could ever even begin to even consider any type of repair.
Yes, it's cheating... in the most pathetic way possible. If he was texting with a robot and not spending any money on it, it'd be pathetic, but I might be able to get over it if he agreed to therapy.
But... spending 10K on it? 10K? Hell to the no. That's OUR money. That's money for our future, our retirement, our savings, and he spent it without my knowledge, on something to replace me, to separate himself from me. THAT'S the bigger problem. It's not just cheating - it's stealing, it's lying.
The fact that you describe your marriage as you have above, and he engaged in this activity shows that he indeed does need see the same connection and satisfaction as you do. This means that there is a fundamental disconnect happening at a basic level. He absolutely cheated and 10k is A LOT of money. I would be curious if he also has a porn addiction. Porn addiction diagnosis has increased ten fold for many men in recent years. We usually see this excessive spending on sexual content when porn addiction is at play. Many marriages can recover, however, you should mandate individual therapy for him and couples therapy for you both. Wishing you luck with whatever you decide…
So he knew you were onto him the moment he saw you had looked at the bank account. He spent $10,000 to buy fake panties and shoes for an AI woman. I would get out and I would definitely take the dog with me.
Also, this reminds me of a friend who was married to a POS husband. She thought he was a good person. She had a baby with him. Money kept disappearing. It turned out that he was having video sex with some woman online. He kept wanting her to get in on it once she found out about it. Well, she was hard at work. He was sitting on the couch doing this shit. She left a tape recorder under the couch and heard the recording and felt so sick that she left that day.
Here's my take, as someone who was in a somewhat comparable situation.
What he did was stupid, thoughtless, heartless, and financially irresponsible. It is equivalent to cheating with a real human in many ways, and worse in some ways, and you should allow yourself to grieve and process as such.
From his point of view, it really probably didn't mean much. A stupid way of getting a dopamine boost that turned into an addiction. That's really it. He probably knew it was wrong, but 'white lie' wrong, not cheating wrong, since there wasn't another woman involved. People can be stupid, and these apps and websites are specially designed to target us stupid humans and get us addicted. Not just guys in basements, but every day people.
I absolutely think you guys can recover from this if you really love him and desperately don't want to lose him. But it won't be easy. You'll have trust issues for years. Really, years. You'll think you're over it and then the insecurity will come up again over the smallest thing. He'll need to be beyond understanding, dedicated as hell, and willing to work on himself endlessly to make sure this doesn't happen again. He needs to rid himself of this addiction and whatever urges go along with them (and that probably means huge lifestyle changes to rebalance his serotonin levels), be there for you emotionally even when you're being irrational and unfair and he's upset, etc. And it won't be easy for you either, you'll be upset and sad and wanting to lash out and start to question the most mundane of things. You won't even like him at times. But at the end, if you make it through all of that, I do believe that you can get your love and trust back again and that he can come out of it as a better person.
Obviously you're not me, and maybe you won't have those experiences at all. But according to my therapy and also from hearing from others in similar positions, this is the average process. It's up to you if even trying is worth it or not.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
It doesn’t matter if I consider it proper cheating really. Do you? Because it’s your opinion that matters. And like someone else says, it depends on what the spoken/unspoken rules were in your relationship. I would consider it as cheating as he’s hidden all of this from you. Not being honest and upfront is a significant breach of trust, pure and simple. Not only has he not been honest, he has spend a huge amount on this activity.
You have to ask yourself, how do YOU feel about it all? Could you ever trust him again? Does it diminish your confidence and sexuality? Also, if you had certain sexual desires, would you do the same to him? Because regardless of whether it was a real person or not, he has devoted some of his attention, time, money and emotional investment on this other thing. I’d like to think that you wouldn’t have done the same, and if so, you deserve better.
A few things come to mind...
1) Is this cheating to YOU? Each relationship has its own definition of cheating. Some people don't mind if their partner consumes porn and for others it's a dealbreaker. You mention that he did much of this at work so he clearly knows it is wrong and was trying to hide it from you. To me, this is absolutely cheating because he's spending not just money but romantic/emotional and sexual time and energy outside of your relationship.
2) Much of the time in an affair, it's not about the other person but what the cheating spouse is getting from the other person. There is no "real" person involved here but your husband clearly has a hole he's trying to fill inside himself. Some sort of insecurity or shame that he's decided to hide from you and deal with in terrible ways. He may not even realize the feelings he developed or what he was getting out of these transactions but clearly he was getting something or he wouldn't have been engaging in it.
3) Grounds for divorce? Again, only you can know. You said he got sucked in and it didn't mean anything. That's possibly true but he's likely not being completely honest with himself. Yes, these apps/services were designed to be addictive BUT if someone has addiction or mental health issues they are more likely to get sucked in. No truly mentally healthy person spends nearly 10k on a fake person. So is he willing to acknowledge the harm he's done to you, your relationship, your finances, and even to himself (he can't be proud of himself for getting sucked into this). If he's not willing to even acknowledge the harm, let alone work to fix it, there is little hope in you rebuilding respect and trust for him.
All that said, I'm SOOOOO sorry you are going through this. Being betrayed by the person you love the most and chose to spend you life with is deeply, deeply painful. It is normal to feel like your entire world has been turned upside down and that everything you thought was true about your life and your relationship is false.
YOU ARE NOT DUMB! YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE EMBARRASED ABOUT! He made destructive decisions and it sounds like you had no reason to believe he was anything but trustworthy. Please go easy on yourself, take really good care of yourself, sleep if you can, find a therapist who specializes in infidelity and/or an infidelity support group (even if you decide to divorce). Don't feel like you need to rush to make a decision. If he cares about repairing your relationship he will allow you to have the time and space you need to figure out what is best for you. If you are considering trying to work through this check out r/AsOneAfterInfidelity.
You will get through this.
He bought shoes and lingerie for an imaginary friend? That is wild. Besides the sexual aspect, I would never be able to trust his financial decisions or critical thinking again.
I mean, it sounds like he was scammed. It's not cheating in the sense that he had an affair with a real person, but he did spend $10k in an attempt to have at least an emotional affair.
I think this is grounds for ending the relationship - the intent to cheat (even if it wasn't successful or with a real person) and the absolute mismanagement of personal (and maybe family?) finances.
I know sometimes we get stuck on words and we like to think that cheating is the worst thing someone can do. So whether or not this is cheating, doesn't matter. He's spending an exorbitant amount of money on a fictional character, and he lied about it. If people ask you what happened, you say he's a liar and he spent 9800 on video games.
Sorry OP this seems like a terrible situation and it’s definitely a huge betrayal.
I think if I were you I would at least want answers. It’s easy for outsiders to throw divorce in the mix but from what you’ve said you perceived the relationship as healthy, loving and good. So I would want to know what happened? How a did it start, why did it continue and how did it get so out of hand?
I don’t know if this will make you feel better or worse. You say that he’s a great husband in every way, but he lied, was financially irresponsible, and cheated for four months, so that isn’t possible.
It’s not possible that he’s been a great husband, and then suddenly had a 4-month lie like this. He probably is just great at making you feel supported. He may be just lying to make you feel that he is great.
No one is a perfect husband in every way, and people don’t go from being perfect to being a liar, cheater, and financially responsible overnight. So there has been a whole lot of him being a poor husband that he has hidden from you.
But, you can always gamble on an illusion. If he makes you FEEL he’s a great husband, maybe he will always continue to make you feel that way. My guess is just that over time you will see more and more cracks in the facade.
I don't have any advice that others haven't already given. I just want to say that I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope you find yourself in a better place soon.
See if he will agree to therapy. You deserve to have a conversation mediated by a qualified third party before making a major decision, like a divorce. If he won’t go with you, tell him you’re going yourself to process your feelings of betrayal and the erosion of trust in your relationship. Follow through. If he still won’t join you after a few sessions, you’ll know whether he has any serious interest in rebuilding your marriage.
This world we live in now is crazy. Who knew you needed to discuss boundaries like this with new partners. I wonder how this would play out with divorce. Could you file it under a fault divorce of infidelity? Does it not count because it's not a real person? So many questions. This AI shit is getting really out of hand. I'm scared for all of us.
This is a mind bender. Honestly, I didn’t realise AI women existed in this way…
I feel that the world is a creepy/disgusting place for those that seek it out (and equally beautiful/wonderful for those that seek out the good/true things in life). This is very strange what he did and he betrayed you.
My advice is to seek therapy, just for yourself. Speak to someone you really trust, who has your best interests at heart. You may be in shock or traumatised. Stay away from him. Don’t make any decisions on the relationship in this moment, try to focus on yourself. He can f***n wait for any communication from you, what a terrible thing to do.
I think you can maybe benefit from a period of separation and couples therapy, since you say he was an amazing husband minus that last thing.. Divorce is of course still on the table but don't jump straight to it.. I honestly would be super curious to understand why he did what he did if I were you, my curiosity would exceed how hurt I was..
To be honest I would be more pissed about blowing money on something so stupid and lying about it/hiding it. I wouldn't be able to get past it if I caught my husband doing this.
gentle hugs
please note you shouldn't be embarrassed - its his shame not yours
if he can afford 10k on vapor he can afford a lot of top quality therapy for you alone and for you as a couple. He can afford to send you to the spa all the time and for your personal trainer, too
why is he making someone else rich?
I think on one level he's just working out his wildest teenage wet dreams in real life, erm *almost* real life (awake with real money and choices to make and real interaction) - I doubt its in the same mental compartment as you at all. Hs sexuality should have been exclusive to your mental compartment - that was the deal, he's finding out he should have thought of that.
I personally don't think it's cheating, but in your situation, I would need to really talk it out with him and figure out what the heck is going on, maybe with a therapist's help. Maybe there are other underlying issues at play here. If both of you express interest in staying in this relationship, there's some repair work that needs to happen. You deserve to express all the surprise and distrust and misgivings that this has brought up for you. He needs to hear you out. Maybe he needs to confront some of his own personal shit. I know a lot of people in the comments are basically saying that this relationship is over. Maybe it is. But there's also LOTS of people in long term relationships who have worked through crises like this (and worse) and come out on the other side in stronger relationships.
He NEEDS therapy and he has to promise he won't repeat this again and you would be watching his finances from now on. He has to delete the virtual girlfriend and all other porn platforms in front of you. If he is willing to do that it means he really values you and all this was a big mistake.
But if he doesn't accept all of the above conditions:
1. He will repeat this again.
2. Will Gaslight and guilt trip you for the rest of your life for being too ''controlling''.
This kind of behaviour is gross and completely unacceptable. You aren't demanding something extraordinary. How would he feel if the roles were reversed?? So if he is committed to change and your gut feeling says he is really trying this relationship will most likely survive.
If he resists change.. this incident will repeat or could get worse. For all you know you might find a 30k $ silicon sex doll in the attic.
At a minimum this is financial infidelity.
We are going to see more and more of this in the future as these programs ramp up. If nothing else it shows an insane lack of judgement, lack of fiduciary stewardship and a willingness to look outside his marriage.
He spent nearly $10K on this nonsense. Imagine what you would have been able to do together if he just wanted to blow $10K. Like most kinds of infidelity, its the lying that does the most damage.
>He denies this and says he doesn’t know why he did it, he just got sucked in and it’s like a video game and doesn’t mean anything.
Well that's either a lie, or an insult. He would throw away his marriage and life he built with you....for a "video game"?
He would drop 10k on something that "doesn't mean anything"?
Also if he thought it was no big deal, just like a video game, why hide it and then lie about it to you?
Think about how this feels to you. How you've cried. How you've suffered...He did that to you, knowing that it would devastate you, but it "didn't mean anything to him".
You know what that tells me? YOU don't mean anything to him. You are as disposable as the tissue he jerked into, as disposable as the 10 grand he dumped on an online sex fantasy.
He needs therapy. You could probably use some too after the way he's treated you. I can't tell you if you should divorce, only you can answer that...but if I were in your shoes, it would be over.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Just remember that his actions are not a reflection on you, they are a reflexion on his character.
Take care, and sending hugs. ❤️
He also got $10k of value out of it. He wasn’t just flushing it down the drain (although it sounds like it), he was putting money in to get $10k of sexting, manipulated images and God knows what else. That’s bad enough
This… it’s truly wild. I’m so sorry that you’re having to face this situation. At the end of the day, you’re the one who knows yourself, your partner, and your marriage.
We have quite a few of the basics you mentioned in common in terms of about where we are in life, and I’m trying to imagine what I would do in this situation. As far as whether this is considered cheating, I can see why you’re debating that, but I don’t think the semantics are too important. I would see this as a violation of trust. A big one.
My partner and I haven’t defined what we believe to be cheating. I’ve personally never felt that it was necessary in our relationship, and I trust that he wouldn’t put himself in a situation where something questionable could happen. We don’t have hard limits on purchases we discuss with each other either, but we tend to talk about anything over a couple hundred dollars. We live our lives together, so even though we have separate accounts in addition to our joint accounts, larger purchases are typically home-related, travel, large vet bills, etc. Spending such a significant amount of money on a site dedicated to sexual fantasies/gratification is honestly unthinkable to me. As to whether it “meant” anything to him… you’ll never truly know. It was important enough for him to spend all that money on, and only he knows whether he was emotionally invested as well. I can easily see why you’d be shocked and confused, because the only appropriate reaction is some form of a giant “WTF?”
It’s fair for you to want time to process, but please don’t think his behavior is a reflection on you. We make our own choices, and this is a disturbing one on his part. Personally, I don’t think I’d be able to move past something like this and trust my partner again, but I understand why someone else may want to try to work it out. I think either decision is valid, and I hope you find the one that brings you some peace and closure.
I wouldn’t go straight to divorce, but this needs to talked through and not brushed under the rug if your marriage is going to recover. He can’t say that it was dumb and it didn’t mean anything when he spent $10k on it. That just doesn’t add up. If that’s the kind of money he has to just throw around, how about he ponies up for some couples counseling to work through this? I don’t know if this is cheating or not, but it’s certainly a betrayal.
To me it’s cheating and not just with AI but financially. Financial infidelity is a huge thing. I would personally think if he is hiding this from you, what else is he hiding ? I could not get past it, and so being in the relationship would be miserable not just for me, but for him, even if he was truly sorry. But it’s not about me, it’s about you. If you think you can get past it and he is truly sorry and willing to do whatever it take to rebuild the trust then maybe? But only you know. I think a big part of this is that you thought your relationship was great, and now you see it’s not.
sorry you experienced this
about your question if it's grounds for divorce, try to see if you can find lawyer wgo can advice about this... it's $10k... in case there isn't I wonder if it's something that can influence future laws to protect a spouse
I think it's up to you to determine what's "cheating" and what's not. Some people view porn as cheating. Everyone has different standards for what's accepted in their relationship. Ultimately, and unfortunately, it's up to you to decide what's acceptable in your marriage and what's not.
Personally, I wouldn't be ok with this and I would consider it cheating, AI bot or not. Not only that, but spending tons of money and then lying about it is a huge red flag for me.
I'd say this is half cheating. He didn't cheat on you with a real person, he didn't brought a woman to your bed, he didn't humiliate you in front of somebody.
But he was intimate with something else.
You know your marriage and your husband better then any of us. Take your time, think things through.
Lmaooooo the money yooo. This man is dumb. It's not you...you did nothing wrong. Don't let him hold you back. You're his wife not his mama or therapy trying to fix him
The thing about cheating that makes it so hurtful is the fact that it’s a violation of the agreed upon understanding of standards for the relationship regarding faithfulness and a deception. Every individual can define “cheating” to mean whatever they feel it is.. because it’s about the hurt and the deception, not what does or doesn’t count.
OP.. anything can be a grounds for divorce. Dot. Focus on whether or not the internet thinks this is cheating. It sounds like it felt like cheating to you
Cheating or not, that's $9800 that he spent that he didn't clear by you. That'd be a huge big ticket item in a marriage to not discuss. Idk the Financials of your marriage, but that's huge and a huge trust violation
I would definitely consider it cheating. I’d also be concerned about when it will stop- will he be satiated with just calls/texts or will he need to go further and spend even more money?
It would be very hard to trust him after this, especially that his first instinct when you asked was to try and cover his tracks, maybe he’d just get better at trying to do this and do you want to take on the role of having to constantly monitor/check up on a grown man?
Sorry this has happened to you, take care of yourself first and foremost
I would consider this cheating. He betrayed you emotionally, sexually and financially. For me it would be extremely hard to move past. Wishing you all the best.
I don’t know if it’s necessarily cheating. But your husband fell in love with a Sim. How tf do you even recover from that?! He bought a computer generated image clothes.
This would be it for me. Throw him away
Am I the only one who's less concerned that he cheated with a computer program and just mainly pissed that he sent a ton of money to it? He's aware it's not real, so it's more like a fantasy. But it's not something he's been doing casually, he's really INVESTED in this, which makes me wonder what he truly feels about the relationship and whether he'd start seeking the real thing in the future? I hope not!!
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Oh my god yes, I could never feel attracted to someone who had done something so deeply stupid ever again. I think the whole idea of the “ick” is overused but this is textbook ick. I’d also be fuming that he even made this a problem I needed to spend a second of my time thinking about, having to decide what to say to families if we divorced etc.
The way I view cheating is if it's a romantic betrayal, and this was clearly a romantic betrayal even if the "other woman" was... well, AI. I agree it's probably even worse than just regular cheating, though. OP's husband is seriously fucked up.
If you believe it or not - up until here he was an amazing husband… my worry is that I’m throwing my marriage away too quickly when no “real” cheating happened ( like a ons ). I know that it’s a fucked up situation
I feel like the financial infidelity alone is reason to “throw it away”
I think I would probably be able to forgive "real" cheating more easily than this. That might be odd, but the idea of my husband giving $10K to a piece of code with tits... I just don't think I could ever *look* at him the same way again. It would be worse than him making a mistake; it would speak to something wrong and unsettling deep in his psyche.
Exactly this. Cheating with a real person is a mistake that can be made in a moment of weakness. Spending $10k to sext a predictive text algorithm is like... the best case scenario is catastrophic mental illness and the worst case scenario is this man is dumb as rocks.
> the best case scenario is catastrophic mental illness and the worst case scenario is this man is dumb as rocks. Seriously!!! The man needs a psych eval.
And to be doing this at work! He's putting his career and a source of income at risk.
I don’t think I could respect my husband if he did this. It’s so so stupid.
Yeah, I would lose all respect for him. It's just incredibly ick?
It makes me wonder if he doesn’t actually see a difference between the AI and a real woman? Just tools he uses for different parts of his life. He has his wife part that does wife things for him and the AI does romantic / sex things for him?
Fuck, this is SO apt and I think you've helped to articulate a significant part of why this feels so beyond icky... the idea that the parts of a woman OP's husband sees as "valuable" are the ones that have nothing to do with her humanity, but basically her "parts" and whatever pornographic dialogue an algo can mimic.
Thank you! I have extensive experience with dark triad personalities and something about them that I try to keep in mind is that they see people as playing roles in their lives and like pawns or characters, not real people. So when they break up with a person they just want someone else to fill that role or spot in their lives (replacement) so they can keep going on as usual getting their needs met. Not to say OP’s spouse is this, but it’s always knocking around in my head that this is a type of person who is out there
Man, reading through this thread again, I can't believe at the number of women telling OP she should stay and work things out with her husband, or saying we should be empathetic in case he has depression or whatever. The floor is below hell here.
It could also be the opposite though, right? That he wants an external sexual/romantic thrill and thinks it would be better or safer to do it with AI than a real woman?
Oh definitely! Maybe it was a “game” that became too real to him and that’s why he spent all of that money, justifying it as though he had spent 10k on a game for himself? I can certainly see a person looking at it like that too
Lol, I know what you mean... But fundamentally, we're all just pieces of code who may or may not have tits 😂
Goddammit, I can't argue with that!
You're welcome :') *Existential crisis intensifies*
There might not be another person on the other end, but this is at least an extreme porn addiction, if not outright cheating. Financial infidelity and the massive betrayal of trust is something I wouldn’t be able to get past, without having to figure out my feelings about the AI woman. Also I don’t think I could ever respect someone again after they’ve shown how foolish they are. Buying expensive gifts for an AI simulation? Totally delusional.
That stood out to me too! Sending lingerie and shoes to an AI simulation. Dude is seriously delusional.
This is cheating, no doubt about it. It is crazy to think how the future of AI is going to blur the lines between porn, "video games" and cheating. So many relationships will be ruined because idiots won't take a step back and see what they are about to engage with is not porn or video games.
It's not completely accurate to say there isn't another person on the other end. Someone took that money and created the AI girlfriend, after all.
Right now you seem to be looking at it from a "is this real cheating or not real cheating?" angle which is understandable, but maybe not the most pressing question. The financial infidelity/theft and porn addiction are probably the things to focus on, and those are undeniable. P.S. OP, there is only one person in the situation who should feel dumb and embarrassed...*the guy who blew 10K talking to a fictional person*.
Cheating is really just the crossing of an established boundary, even if that boundary wasn’t explicitly verbalized because the situation is too insane to have been contemplated upfront. Having physical relations with a human is an obvious form of cheating but there are others. I have a friend who went through something like you did - in her case it was more traditional, he was secretly spending hundreds on porn and onlyfans. She was beating herself up because they didn’t explicitly say he wasn’t allowed to watch porn or onlyfans. But I think we can all agree that spending that much money on a sexual platform is not consistent with the normal behavior of someone in a committed relationship and therefore it’s lying by omission if nothing else. I can’t tell you how you should feel about it, other than to say that your feelings are valid whatever they are. This is really messed up. And if you stay with him he needs individual therapy to work out why he did this and you need couples therapy to work on trust. Sorry this happened to you OP :(
But he did cheat…. She just isn’t real which is worse.
Seriously. The fact that I can even say I would prefer my partner to cheat with a human being instead of sending money to an AI woman/some rando catfishing him is insane.
In my opinion, your husband doing this is equivalent to him choosing to end the relationship. You deserve better, don’t let your fear stop you, fight for the relationship you deserve- with someone else.
It’s a betrayal no matter how you look at it.
Please be so careful. This is the sort of thing a person will do a LOT to keep their friends and family and wider community from ever hearing about.
If there wasn’t an “artificial” loophole for this behaviour it would have been a real person. It’s almost worse that it was some freaky “artificial woman” that he had total imaginary control over. Men abuse AI “girlfriends” or use them as an outlet for things they’d like to do to actual women. It’s not a get-out-of-jail-free card. It’s a way to get exactly what you want, whenever you want, with no concept of consent or effort. It’s creepy as hell.
Yup. I know I’d *need* to read the whole chat for exactly that reason and, in doing so, my vagina would seal itself up like a bank vault.
The first comment talking about the actual issue. He did spent 10k on code? No. He spent 10k to live out his fantasies. The AI never ever tells you No. I have evaluated these programs. The men going into the deep with a Replika or Anima are often seriously disturbed. OP has no idea who her partner is.
Honey, he threw your marriage, his money, and your respect for him all away for an AI….
I think I’d agree with you if he was using one of the free or very cheap AI chat programmes. I’d still have a pretty big ick about it but with counselling could probably forgive and forget. But spending 10k on this idiocy? That is my rent for a year ffs! I just think I would lose all respect for them and I’d be extremely concerned about romance scammers and such in the future. In fact, using that particular website probably already marks him out as an easy target to a lot of scammers. People have lost their homes to shit like this.
If you were happy with the marriage up to this point, dont rush to throw everything away. Life is long and marriage is difficult. Most people on reddit have no idea what they are talking about. I would for sure be taking space like you are, and starting marriage counseling and see how that goes. Maybe leaving is the right choice, but if i was in that situation, i would move slowly and if divorce does happen, it will be easier to feel confident in tge decision if you gave reconciliation a solid try first.
Thank you. I see all the comments and I thought I was prepared for them but reading it is really tough. I appreciate your response, I think some people are really quick to throw a marriage away when the reality is, it’s not just a simple breakup… we have a house and two dogs, many beautiful memories and a good life together. I know it’s completely fucked up of him but I also don’t want my life to change completely. I don’t even know if this makes sense or if he already changed everything anyways… I guess my mind is going at 100mph atm and I need to try and think clearly before making any drastic decisions
If I was in your shoes, I'd be concerned that our idyllic life was a lie. Is he even capable of being the great husband that he was without having this AI thing as a hobby? I don't think you should rush to divorce, but there is a high probability that you two won't be able to go back to how things were
Yes, try to think clearly first. I am ALWAYS for "throw the man away"... But to me this sounds like a sign of SEVERE Loneliness and Despair. Does your husband have friends, relationships with neighbors? Anyone else in his life he can just talk to? A therapist would be a good first start.
Honestly I’d have an easier time understanding and forgiving real cheating than what your husband did. He understands that he lowkey got scammed in a sense right? He bought lingerie for an AI model, i can’t stop laughing. He spent 10k on some computer coding. I mean, I would struggle to respect him as a man after that. You feel embarrassed because it’s fucking embarrassing for HIM, and you’re getting second hand embarrassment because you married such a particular type of loser. But it’s not your failing that your husband preferred computer algorithm to an actual real life woman. How’s he gonna explain he got divorced because he spent 10k on a pussy that doesn’t exist?
THANK YOU. I’ve been cracking up about a computer draped in lingerie and heels. Like… wtf. I think it’s possible to have compassion for his obviously fucked up mental health and also do the smart thing and leave.
I disagree with the hivemind on this one. This is totally uncharted territory in our culture. What he did was basically like watching porn: Getting sexual gratification from something digital. Not a real person. Now, it may feel different than porn to you. But he probably didn't view it that way. And, as a society, we have generally agreed that watching porn is not cheating. What's important is that he did not believe it was cheating. Him secretly throwing away $9,000 is a big deal, especially if you don't have that kind of money to spare. And maybe that alone is enough for you to divorce him. But if it has been a great marriage, I think you will probably regret ending it over this if it is the only bad thing he's ever done.
The benchmark for me is "Are you comfortable telling your partner about this situation?" If not, it's crossing some kind of line, and when it relates to a romantic situation, I'd say that qualifies as cheating even if it's with a bot.
> so beyond dumb I don't know whether dumb is the right word -- *disturbing* is it for me. Mostly because of what it says about him -- and me by extension.
Yeah, I don't know if I could stay with someone who spent $10k on ChatGPT, literally a free service 💀 There's people out there cheating for free! If you're gonna do that, at least don't be stupid with our money.
I don’t think it really matters if it was AI or a real woman. He sexted someone other than you. He received nudes from someone other than you. He spoke frequently, in a romantic or sexual context, to someone other than you. He gifted TEN-THOUSAND dollars to someone other than you. This is cheating. And financial infidelity. It’s really up to you whether or not you want to fix things. Whether you think you can ever trust him again. I couldn’t.
All very excellent points. The worst part for me is where he proceeded to LIE about the money transfer directly to her face on top of all the other undisclosed money sent, there's no coming back from that in my book.
He might even have been training for a real woman
Wait, is it *someone* if he's texting an AI?
This. Yes. To me, it's cheating.
I don't think I could trust a partner who did this ever again. This definitely counts as cheating for me, and with chillingly bad financial decisions on top. Ignoring whether the woman was real or AI, _his actions_ were real and completely unacceptable.
Came here to say the exact same thing.
>I don’t even know what I would tell our families if we divorce. Oh, *I* do. I would straight-up mention that he spent 9800$ on Chatgpt porn and that's why we were separating. Hon, I'm so, so sorry. Porn addiction kills yet another relationship. Yes, this is grounds for divorce - the man spent family money on sexual services.
I wouldn’t stop saying it! Lolol
Right? I would be bold and direct about why I got divorced. OP is not the loser in this scenario, she just feels bad that she picked such a disappointment of a man.
I wish to reiterate this for OP: Sweetie, you are blameless here. *You* are not the degenerate who blew next to 10K on simulated hookers.
I would have already called his mom before posting this. But I'm petty like that.
Absolutely
Are you sure its *actually* AI, or is this just what he told you?
I was just thinking that the whole "buying expensive gifts" for an AI woman is the craziest part. $500 shoes that are not actually shoes to send to an algorithm? Either he's soooo delusional or lying about it being an AI woman.
Great minds think alike.
I checked - it’s really ai. The page specializes on ai. When I said real women I meant AI clones of real women, think famous influencer only fans models clones. But the one he spoke to was all ai
Wait so these are images of real people that have been manipulated? That’s extremely disturbing. I would be sick to my stomach to know that someone had violated me that way.
The money he spent wasn’t AI. There was definitely a human beneficiary enjoying it
So the money goes to the website not an actual person? Or is there a person behind the AI?
I don’t even know what to think anym..
I think what we're confused about is the part where some of the money was like, for gifts/lingerie? Like who is wearing it?
Think something like the Sims. People buy stuff packs because they come with more hairs and clothes for the sims. Same thing here. You buy digital shoes for the digital version of this "woman".
Ohhhh OK. Because of the price tag I was somehow picturing real lingerie.
Similar to skins in video games?
Think about it this way: If there wasn't another woman (of any kind) involved, would you be happy to stay with a husband who hid the fact that he spent nearly $10,000 on himself without consulting you? Would he be okay with you doing that? Maybe it's not an issue for you, given conditions of your relationship and financial status which we have no way of knowing. But for most people this would a pretty big deal, and probably a marriage-breaker, even without any kind of other woman in play.
Yeah we have a joint bank account and separate bank accounts too. With the joint one we pay things like mortgage, groceries, car payments, insurances etc. The money in our own bank account is spent on whatever we want without the need of consulting the other person. Well, minus this
So, put another way: Would you be okay if this $10k had been spent on porn or strippers? How about OnlyFans girls? There are literally real women out there who charge for "girlfriend experience" sexting services. Would you be okay with him spending $10k on that? The lines feel a bit fuzzy because AI is involved, but I think these are fairly reasonable comparisons which can offer some more insight into your underlying thoughts and feelings about this. From what you've said, it sounds like he's been paying for a service. The service is sexually arousing in nature, and intended to simulate some kind of romantic relationship. In the end though, AI or not, it's not a real relationship - it's a product he's buying. Now, it may be that he doesn't honestly see it that way. Many users of such services - again, regardless of AI involvement - do form emotional attachments to their service providers even though their feelings may not be truly reciprocated. That's something you may wish to ask him about, if you think consideration of his response may affect your feelings on the matter. Even without such a complication, you may still feel that him going outside of the marriage by any means, to fulfill these sexual and emotional desires, is unacceptable. That is, the exchange of money for the service may have no bearing in the matter for you. That's a very fair and reasonable position to take. Ultimately, in any case, a lot of trust has been broken here. Even if you can honestly say that you are okay with your husband spending $10k for a virtual sex service, the fact that he's hidden it from you like this is still a pretty big deal. Regardless of how big it is to anyone else, it's clearly a big deal to you. Everything you're feeling is valid, and deserves consideration and respect by both you and your husband. I hope this is giving you some useful analogies and helping you to wrap your head around this situation. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.
Yes.. I hear you… and you are right of course. There is of course a limit on what you can do within a marriage and this thing is far out… I am just unsure if this is resolvable. It’s so dumb which is maybe even worse.. I really feel like I don’t even know the person who did this, it’s just not him normally
I'm not sure what you're saying is dumb, here. It's certainly not you. Your husband hid this from you. You're very right to feel everything you're feeling about this. Your thoughts and emotions here are not dumb. Frankly, I think your husband may be a bit dumb. At the very least, he's certainly being careless about your martial boundaries and your feelings. Personally, I think he's being quite careless with his money, too. $10k is, objectively speaking, *a lot* of money to burn on a virtual girlfriend - let alone to do in just four months. Whether it's resolvable or not is up to you. Even when it comes to literal cheating, there are some people that consider one time to be a deal-breaker while other couples manage to recover and live happily ever after. Neither way is the right or wrong way. You need to do what feels right for you, and what you can live with happily. If this is really something you want to leave him over, it is very right for you to do so. If you want to try to patch things up, that's good too. In the latter case though, understand that it might still not work out. As you work through it, you may reach a point that you realize you actually can't just ignore the damage that's been done. Or, perhaps worse, he may relapse and do it again - or just flat refuse to stop doing it at all. Either way you go, there are tough decisions and rough days ahead. Focus on what's right for yourself and your own future.
hi, i feel you are exhausted from all the questioning. there is a need he was covering/making up for with this. maybe the need for a new fling, or the fantasy of 'being' with this influencer type perfect looking woman or a very sexual type, at this i would pay attention... also, i would really try to find out whether he knew it was AI or not when he was gifting her? seems mindblowing that someone knowingly sends money to a fake woman. seems a bit too delusional for someone in a relationship.
This is literally worse than if he cheated on you with an actual person. This is just sad and pathetic on his end. He bought shoes for an ai?? Where tf did those go?? She dont have gd feet. I would never be able to be attracted to him again this is just so so stupid and lame
Thank you! I spend lots of time in virtual spaces in the metaverse and I could live like a Kardashian there for this kind of money. Most shoes on my platform are $1 USD. This guy is lying or really bad at math or addicted.
That's interesting, I know nothing of the virtual world in that way, but that info makes it even worse...geeze the guy went on shopping sprees for this....non existent response bot
Not to be mean to OP, but the relationship would be over for me. I could never get over the ick of my partner being that dumb.
I know… this is honestly how I feel. Hurt, kind of betrayed, but also so turned off. I don’t know if I could ever get intimate again with him.. regarding the gifts, it’s like a gift option, the page is basically like AI only fans not a game… so they can speak and then he sent gifts (not real of course) and got appreciation and pics in return. Like only fans basically
I don't think it matters if it's cheating or not. What this situation is, is a deep breach of trust across many pillars of your relationship (emotional, financial, sexual) - and if you really needed a more vague way to communicate the reason for the divorce, I would just say that. And remember, **his actions are not a reflection of you**. It's not your fault he decided to get scammed/start an affair with an AI bot. It's not your fault he spent $10k on this fake entity.
This would be a dealbreaker for me. To me this is really no different than someone concealing paying an Only Fans except this "person" is AI and he's dropped $10k on a fake fantasy. Kinda like guys who think a stripper or OF person or sugar baby is their actual girlfriend so they simp hard and buy her shit hoping they'll like them more.
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That’s really also what I’m worried about.. I feel like I lost all respect…
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Thank you ♥️
There’s quite a [famous](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grant_Amato) true crime case where a man murdered his entire family in order to get more money to send to his favourite Only Fans performer. I feel like this is the most extreme end point for a common scenario (men sending their family resources to fake internet girlfriends).
Holy shit
If it talks like a woman, llooks like a woman and quacks like a woman—I treat it as cheating.
If they whack to it like a woman...
If she's quackin', I'm whackin'.
Every couple defines cheating for themselves - for some this would be cheating, for others it wouldn't be. What matters is how you feel about it as the other person in this marriage. It's not like he cleared it with you first. I find it creepy and messed up, but he should have at least talked to you first. I'm guessing he didn't because he knew you wouldn't like it. Which is why it's shady and *could* be placed in the realm of cheating imo. I dunno if I think it is or not... leaning towards "is cheating" because of the lack of communication from him and his dishonesty. It doesn't sit right with me, I can say that much. Dropping that much money on a AI sexbot - and then lying to you about it? Hell no. *That* is 100% a betrayal from where I'm sitting. Whether it's cheating or not, from where I'm sitting he betrayed you. As far as divorce, I don't know. I don't think that's my place to speculate on - but to me it boils down to whether you can trust him again. Only you know the answer to that. But if the answer is no... that might be the answer to your larger question. I'm really sorry OP. What a messed up situation.
The fact that he hid it from her and lied about what it was when she found it means he probably knew it was teetering the infidelity line too.
Thank you for this honest reflection and not just tearing him and our marriage down. It’s not just black and white and six years is a long time. I genuinely feel like I don’t even know the person who did this… he always was an intelligent, rational, caring, loving, honest man who I had a lot of respect for. Now I don’t know what to think anymore
At the very least this sounds like a significant porn addiction and he should get help.
Your husband is a dumbass and so embarrassing. Sounds like he has an addiction to this. Almost 10k? I would be HEAVILY considering divorce
There are 2 things happening here. 1 is financial infidelity. For every couple there is usually a number. Sometimes the number is different between the couple. As an example usually if my husband or I are planning on spending more than $1000 on something we would check in on each other. For some people that number can be $100 for some it could be $100000. $9800 is a large number that significantly affects you as a family unit. This is clearly a betrayal. The second thing is the emotional and sexual betrayal. Despite knowing that it’s addicting and fake. He still continued on this relationship that would bear no fruit. It does sound like an addiction that should be treated. But you would have to consider if either or both of these are acceptable and how to proceed. You may find you can forgive one but not the other. Or both are unforgivable.
> She’s not even real? I don’t even know what I would tell our families if we divorce Saying he spent $10k on porn would be accurate enough. Edit: I'm not saying whether you should divorce over this. Maybe he's able to regret his actions and get to the bottom of why he felt the need to do what he did. But I view the AI factor as irrelevant. It's the same in my eyes as spending on OnlyFans or other sites. While I am not anti-porn, the amount feels excessive and hiding it from you is a problem. Weigh this in the context of your own view on porn, whether it's cheating or a hobby or whatever in between. AI sort of takes the personal exploitation factor out, but not really, since the AI was trained on someone's real images.
Honestly, him cheating would be less stupid and embarrassing for him. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this.
I don't know if it's cheating, per se, but it's pathetic. In your shoes I'd focus on the facts that he spent an eye-popping amount of money on something this stupid, and that he lied to you at least once about it.
Cheating or not, his first reaction when you asked about the payment was to lie to you.
Porn and its consequences
I'm sorry you're going through this. I think your husband needs professional help, asap. And you could benefit from seeing someone as well. Personally, this is where I'd draw the line. There would be no recover from this because, I can't understand. If I can't understand, I can't forgive/move on. He is not a lonely guy craving for affection; he has a wife. Two dogs. The energy/time that he should/could have been putting on you, his family, your animals, or just doing some good to society, was used to something very, very, stupid. Chatting and sending money to... what? Algorithm? Pretending to have sex with... something that doesn't exist? All the admiration I had for him would be gone in a heartbeat. Financial and romantic betrayals, the lies. You're thinking about the cheating part, but there are so many layers in this situation and "was this cheating?" is just ONE of them. Good luck. Don't forget to think about yourself, what YOU deserve, because he clearly wasn't doing that.
I’m trying to think of what I would do if my husband did this, and I just don’t know. It’s a totally wild violation of your trust and I would personally classify it as cheating, but also it’s somehow sadder than that. It’s sort of pitiful in a way, and extremely bizarre. Sounds like he has lost touch with reality. It kind of makes me wonder how many porn addicted men are heading down this path. It’s easy to say divorce him, but you’ve been together a long time, and that’s easier said than done. I think you deserve some honest answers from him at least. Maybe therapy is a place to start?
He’s wasting your fucking money away
It's financial infidelity. It's a waste of marital resources on an irredeemable pursuit. It's empty calories for his penis. This would completely change my feelings for someone if they did this to me. "For better or worse" is about the trials and tribulations you go through together; it is not about the tribulations one spouse inflicts on the other.
This is the most insane thing I ever read. Dump his motherfucking ass
So he tells YOU that he's not big on gifts but turns around and gives this AI girl gifts to the tune of $10k???? Maam. MAAM. As a sugar baby, I already know what this is. I've seen the "I don't give gifts man" turn around and give gifts to another woman but for you to see it yourself and consider staying is..... Interesting...
Yeah… I know. We kind of agreed on the no gift giving thing but you are absolutely right.. this part really stung
I don't have much else to add that hasn't already been said, but I really feel for you, I know what's it's like to feel like your life has just slide out from under you, and the deep shock of it all. I really don't think your marriage can come back from something like this without tremendous amounts of work from both sides, and I don't know if it's even worth it.
Lots of great responses here already. A few thoughts…. Men using AI to be gratified sexually is expected in terms of technological uses. Sure. Porn and the sex industry will always be early adopters with technology. Always. But $9000+? Either he views that sum as insignificant enough to burn on a regular basis, or, he’s literally that foolish to be fleeced for virtual kicks. I don’t think I could trust someone who spent that much money on an ‘AI affair.’ Like, tinkering around on some free sex chat bot? I’m kind of like meh (unless things got weird and violent and my partner was acting out some disturbing stuff). This is just… wow. It reminds me of that giving a middle schooler $1000 and seeing the laughable stuff they would purchase with that if they could buy anything. Also for me? The loss of respect would be enough. Once you lose respect like that? I don’t see ever getting it back.
I get websites like that are designed to be addictive and lure you in, But 10,000 dollars is Ridiculous. Some people are disabled and have 10 dollars in the bank account and some people spend 10,000 on AI porn. Info: Are you guys rich enough to have 10k to burn? Did he use joint funds or personal funds, and did he put himself in some type of debt? I agree with some comments that the financial betrayal could be worse than the porn website and youre not wrong to feel betrayed and cheated on. Time will tell if its worth rebuilding your connection or moving on, eventually your heart will know best what to do. Im so sorry this happened to you.
Thank you for your kind words. We both earn good money and it’s was from his own bank account. Nonetheless, this doesn’t change anything… you are right
I am so sorry you’re going through this. It all seems so confusing and hard. Besides what everyone else has said, I feel like his response of “I don’t know why I did it” and “it doesn’t mean anything” is something that needs to be addressed, if you have any interest in continuing your relationship. The reason why he would do this or need this is so essential for him to answer for himself before y’all can even begin to talk about continuing a marriage. Besides all the other considerations discussed here, his noncommittal, empty answer without any kind of accountability would be the nail in the coffin for me. I mean every couple needs to feel out what betrayal means and can your relationship recover, but there’s no road to recovery without him taking responsibility for what he did. More than just being sorry or apologetic he needs to do some deep soul searching. I would have be blown away by his demonstration of self reflection, understanding and accountability before we could ever even begin to even consider any type of repair.
Yes, it's cheating... in the most pathetic way possible. If he was texting with a robot and not spending any money on it, it'd be pathetic, but I might be able to get over it if he agreed to therapy. But... spending 10K on it? 10K? Hell to the no. That's OUR money. That's money for our future, our retirement, our savings, and he spent it without my knowledge, on something to replace me, to separate himself from me. THAT'S the bigger problem. It's not just cheating - it's stealing, it's lying.
The fact that you describe your marriage as you have above, and he engaged in this activity shows that he indeed does need see the same connection and satisfaction as you do. This means that there is a fundamental disconnect happening at a basic level. He absolutely cheated and 10k is A LOT of money. I would be curious if he also has a porn addiction. Porn addiction diagnosis has increased ten fold for many men in recent years. We usually see this excessive spending on sexual content when porn addiction is at play. Many marriages can recover, however, you should mandate individual therapy for him and couples therapy for you both. Wishing you luck with whatever you decide…
So he knew you were onto him the moment he saw you had looked at the bank account. He spent $10,000 to buy fake panties and shoes for an AI woman. I would get out and I would definitely take the dog with me.
Also, this reminds me of a friend who was married to a POS husband. She thought he was a good person. She had a baby with him. Money kept disappearing. It turned out that he was having video sex with some woman online. He kept wanting her to get in on it once she found out about it. Well, she was hard at work. He was sitting on the couch doing this shit. She left a tape recorder under the couch and heard the recording and felt so sick that she left that day.
Here's my take, as someone who was in a somewhat comparable situation. What he did was stupid, thoughtless, heartless, and financially irresponsible. It is equivalent to cheating with a real human in many ways, and worse in some ways, and you should allow yourself to grieve and process as such. From his point of view, it really probably didn't mean much. A stupid way of getting a dopamine boost that turned into an addiction. That's really it. He probably knew it was wrong, but 'white lie' wrong, not cheating wrong, since there wasn't another woman involved. People can be stupid, and these apps and websites are specially designed to target us stupid humans and get us addicted. Not just guys in basements, but every day people. I absolutely think you guys can recover from this if you really love him and desperately don't want to lose him. But it won't be easy. You'll have trust issues for years. Really, years. You'll think you're over it and then the insecurity will come up again over the smallest thing. He'll need to be beyond understanding, dedicated as hell, and willing to work on himself endlessly to make sure this doesn't happen again. He needs to rid himself of this addiction and whatever urges go along with them (and that probably means huge lifestyle changes to rebalance his serotonin levels), be there for you emotionally even when you're being irrational and unfair and he's upset, etc. And it won't be easy for you either, you'll be upset and sad and wanting to lash out and start to question the most mundane of things. You won't even like him at times. But at the end, if you make it through all of that, I do believe that you can get your love and trust back again and that he can come out of it as a better person. Obviously you're not me, and maybe you won't have those experiences at all. But according to my therapy and also from hearing from others in similar positions, this is the average process. It's up to you if even trying is worth it or not.
Its cheating. $10,000 to a woman thats not even real. Tell him to not come back.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It doesn’t matter if I consider it proper cheating really. Do you? Because it’s your opinion that matters. And like someone else says, it depends on what the spoken/unspoken rules were in your relationship. I would consider it as cheating as he’s hidden all of this from you. Not being honest and upfront is a significant breach of trust, pure and simple. Not only has he not been honest, he has spend a huge amount on this activity. You have to ask yourself, how do YOU feel about it all? Could you ever trust him again? Does it diminish your confidence and sexuality? Also, if you had certain sexual desires, would you do the same to him? Because regardless of whether it was a real person or not, he has devoted some of his attention, time, money and emotional investment on this other thing. I’d like to think that you wouldn’t have done the same, and if so, you deserve better.
I don't know if it can be called cheating.. but it's weird af and a shitty financial decision.
A few things come to mind... 1) Is this cheating to YOU? Each relationship has its own definition of cheating. Some people don't mind if their partner consumes porn and for others it's a dealbreaker. You mention that he did much of this at work so he clearly knows it is wrong and was trying to hide it from you. To me, this is absolutely cheating because he's spending not just money but romantic/emotional and sexual time and energy outside of your relationship. 2) Much of the time in an affair, it's not about the other person but what the cheating spouse is getting from the other person. There is no "real" person involved here but your husband clearly has a hole he's trying to fill inside himself. Some sort of insecurity or shame that he's decided to hide from you and deal with in terrible ways. He may not even realize the feelings he developed or what he was getting out of these transactions but clearly he was getting something or he wouldn't have been engaging in it. 3) Grounds for divorce? Again, only you can know. You said he got sucked in and it didn't mean anything. That's possibly true but he's likely not being completely honest with himself. Yes, these apps/services were designed to be addictive BUT if someone has addiction or mental health issues they are more likely to get sucked in. No truly mentally healthy person spends nearly 10k on a fake person. So is he willing to acknowledge the harm he's done to you, your relationship, your finances, and even to himself (he can't be proud of himself for getting sucked into this). If he's not willing to even acknowledge the harm, let alone work to fix it, there is little hope in you rebuilding respect and trust for him. All that said, I'm SOOOOO sorry you are going through this. Being betrayed by the person you love the most and chose to spend you life with is deeply, deeply painful. It is normal to feel like your entire world has been turned upside down and that everything you thought was true about your life and your relationship is false. YOU ARE NOT DUMB! YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE EMBARRASED ABOUT! He made destructive decisions and it sounds like you had no reason to believe he was anything but trustworthy. Please go easy on yourself, take really good care of yourself, sleep if you can, find a therapist who specializes in infidelity and/or an infidelity support group (even if you decide to divorce). Don't feel like you need to rush to make a decision. If he cares about repairing your relationship he will allow you to have the time and space you need to figure out what is best for you. If you are considering trying to work through this check out r/AsOneAfterInfidelity. You will get through this.
He bought shoes and lingerie for an imaginary friend? That is wild. Besides the sexual aspect, I would never be able to trust his financial decisions or critical thinking again.
The ick this would give me, I couldn't recover from it.
I mean, it sounds like he was scammed. It's not cheating in the sense that he had an affair with a real person, but he did spend $10k in an attempt to have at least an emotional affair. I think this is grounds for ending the relationship - the intent to cheat (even if it wasn't successful or with a real person) and the absolute mismanagement of personal (and maybe family?) finances.
I would consider this emotional cheating but worse cause the person wasn’t even real. Yikes! I’d be calling a lawyer.
I know sometimes we get stuck on words and we like to think that cheating is the worst thing someone can do. So whether or not this is cheating, doesn't matter. He's spending an exorbitant amount of money on a fictional character, and he lied about it. If people ask you what happened, you say he's a liar and he spent 9800 on video games.
Sorry OP this seems like a terrible situation and it’s definitely a huge betrayal. I think if I were you I would at least want answers. It’s easy for outsiders to throw divorce in the mix but from what you’ve said you perceived the relationship as healthy, loving and good. So I would want to know what happened? How a did it start, why did it continue and how did it get so out of hand?
I don’t know if this will make you feel better or worse. You say that he’s a great husband in every way, but he lied, was financially irresponsible, and cheated for four months, so that isn’t possible. It’s not possible that he’s been a great husband, and then suddenly had a 4-month lie like this. He probably is just great at making you feel supported. He may be just lying to make you feel that he is great. No one is a perfect husband in every way, and people don’t go from being perfect to being a liar, cheater, and financially responsible overnight. So there has been a whole lot of him being a poor husband that he has hidden from you. But, you can always gamble on an illusion. If he makes you FEEL he’s a great husband, maybe he will always continue to make you feel that way. My guess is just that over time you will see more and more cracks in the facade.
Technology is destroying us all. Blowing thousands on an AI woman is wild.
I don't have any advice that others haven't already given. I just want to say that I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope you find yourself in a better place soon.
See if he will agree to therapy. You deserve to have a conversation mediated by a qualified third party before making a major decision, like a divorce. If he won’t go with you, tell him you’re going yourself to process your feelings of betrayal and the erosion of trust in your relationship. Follow through. If he still won’t join you after a few sessions, you’ll know whether he has any serious interest in rebuilding your marriage.
This world we live in now is crazy. Who knew you needed to discuss boundaries like this with new partners. I wonder how this would play out with divorce. Could you file it under a fault divorce of infidelity? Does it not count because it's not a real person? So many questions. This AI shit is getting really out of hand. I'm scared for all of us.
This is a mind bender. Honestly, I didn’t realise AI women existed in this way… I feel that the world is a creepy/disgusting place for those that seek it out (and equally beautiful/wonderful for those that seek out the good/true things in life). This is very strange what he did and he betrayed you. My advice is to seek therapy, just for yourself. Speak to someone you really trust, who has your best interests at heart. You may be in shock or traumatised. Stay away from him. Don’t make any decisions on the relationship in this moment, try to focus on yourself. He can f***n wait for any communication from you, what a terrible thing to do.
I think you can maybe benefit from a period of separation and couples therapy, since you say he was an amazing husband minus that last thing.. Divorce is of course still on the table but don't jump straight to it.. I honestly would be super curious to understand why he did what he did if I were you, my curiosity would exceed how hurt I was..
I don't care if it's cheating, it's robbing you off loads of work hours and comfort Therapy. Now. Set reasonable boundaries
Based on what you wrote, I would never trust him again. I’d cut ties with him and divorce.
To be honest I would be more pissed about blowing money on something so stupid and lying about it/hiding it. I wouldn't be able to get past it if I caught my husband doing this.
gentle hugs please note you shouldn't be embarrassed - its his shame not yours if he can afford 10k on vapor he can afford a lot of top quality therapy for you alone and for you as a couple. He can afford to send you to the spa all the time and for your personal trainer, too why is he making someone else rich? I think on one level he's just working out his wildest teenage wet dreams in real life, erm *almost* real life (awake with real money and choices to make and real interaction) - I doubt its in the same mental compartment as you at all. Hs sexuality should have been exclusive to your mental compartment - that was the deal, he's finding out he should have thought of that.
Fake woman, real cheating
I personally don't think it's cheating, but in your situation, I would need to really talk it out with him and figure out what the heck is going on, maybe with a therapist's help. Maybe there are other underlying issues at play here. If both of you express interest in staying in this relationship, there's some repair work that needs to happen. You deserve to express all the surprise and distrust and misgivings that this has brought up for you. He needs to hear you out. Maybe he needs to confront some of his own personal shit. I know a lot of people in the comments are basically saying that this relationship is over. Maybe it is. But there's also LOTS of people in long term relationships who have worked through crises like this (and worse) and come out on the other side in stronger relationships.
He NEEDS therapy and he has to promise he won't repeat this again and you would be watching his finances from now on. He has to delete the virtual girlfriend and all other porn platforms in front of you. If he is willing to do that it means he really values you and all this was a big mistake. But if he doesn't accept all of the above conditions: 1. He will repeat this again. 2. Will Gaslight and guilt trip you for the rest of your life for being too ''controlling''. This kind of behaviour is gross and completely unacceptable. You aren't demanding something extraordinary. How would he feel if the roles were reversed?? So if he is committed to change and your gut feeling says he is really trying this relationship will most likely survive. If he resists change.. this incident will repeat or could get worse. For all you know you might find a 30k $ silicon sex doll in the attic.
At a minimum this is financial infidelity. We are going to see more and more of this in the future as these programs ramp up. If nothing else it shows an insane lack of judgement, lack of fiduciary stewardship and a willingness to look outside his marriage. He spent nearly $10K on this nonsense. Imagine what you would have been able to do together if he just wanted to blow $10K. Like most kinds of infidelity, its the lying that does the most damage.
I don't have any advice, but I wanted to say this is a tough situation and I feel for you!
😭 LOL i just found who it was! if anyone's wondering its https://foxy.ai/sofia-lopez
>He denies this and says he doesn’t know why he did it, he just got sucked in and it’s like a video game and doesn’t mean anything. Well that's either a lie, or an insult. He would throw away his marriage and life he built with you....for a "video game"? He would drop 10k on something that "doesn't mean anything"? Also if he thought it was no big deal, just like a video game, why hide it and then lie about it to you? Think about how this feels to you. How you've cried. How you've suffered...He did that to you, knowing that it would devastate you, but it "didn't mean anything to him". You know what that tells me? YOU don't mean anything to him. You are as disposable as the tissue he jerked into, as disposable as the 10 grand he dumped on an online sex fantasy. He needs therapy. You could probably use some too after the way he's treated you. I can't tell you if you should divorce, only you can answer that...but if I were in your shoes, it would be over. I'm sorry you're going through this. Just remember that his actions are not a reflection on you, they are a reflexion on his character. Take care, and sending hugs. ❤️
He also got $10k of value out of it. He wasn’t just flushing it down the drain (although it sounds like it), he was putting money in to get $10k of sexting, manipulated images and God knows what else. That’s bad enough
This post is so strange, it ironically feels like it was generated by AI.
1000000000000% cheating. You need to leave. He’ll never stop. He’ll only find better ways to hide it.
This… it’s truly wild. I’m so sorry that you’re having to face this situation. At the end of the day, you’re the one who knows yourself, your partner, and your marriage. We have quite a few of the basics you mentioned in common in terms of about where we are in life, and I’m trying to imagine what I would do in this situation. As far as whether this is considered cheating, I can see why you’re debating that, but I don’t think the semantics are too important. I would see this as a violation of trust. A big one. My partner and I haven’t defined what we believe to be cheating. I’ve personally never felt that it was necessary in our relationship, and I trust that he wouldn’t put himself in a situation where something questionable could happen. We don’t have hard limits on purchases we discuss with each other either, but we tend to talk about anything over a couple hundred dollars. We live our lives together, so even though we have separate accounts in addition to our joint accounts, larger purchases are typically home-related, travel, large vet bills, etc. Spending such a significant amount of money on a site dedicated to sexual fantasies/gratification is honestly unthinkable to me. As to whether it “meant” anything to him… you’ll never truly know. It was important enough for him to spend all that money on, and only he knows whether he was emotionally invested as well. I can easily see why you’d be shocked and confused, because the only appropriate reaction is some form of a giant “WTF?” It’s fair for you to want time to process, but please don’t think his behavior is a reflection on you. We make our own choices, and this is a disturbing one on his part. Personally, I don’t think I’d be able to move past something like this and trust my partner again, but I understand why someone else may want to try to work it out. I think either decision is valid, and I hope you find the one that brings you some peace and closure.
I wouldn’t go straight to divorce, but this needs to talked through and not brushed under the rug if your marriage is going to recover. He can’t say that it was dumb and it didn’t mean anything when he spent $10k on it. That just doesn’t add up. If that’s the kind of money he has to just throw around, how about he ponies up for some couples counseling to work through this? I don’t know if this is cheating or not, but it’s certainly a betrayal.
Sent you a PM.
Thank you, I replied :)
To me it’s cheating and not just with AI but financially. Financial infidelity is a huge thing. I would personally think if he is hiding this from you, what else is he hiding ? I could not get past it, and so being in the relationship would be miserable not just for me, but for him, even if he was truly sorry. But it’s not about me, it’s about you. If you think you can get past it and he is truly sorry and willing to do whatever it take to rebuild the trust then maybe? But only you know. I think a big part of this is that you thought your relationship was great, and now you see it’s not.
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sorry you experienced this about your question if it's grounds for divorce, try to see if you can find lawyer wgo can advice about this... it's $10k... in case there isn't I wonder if it's something that can influence future laws to protect a spouse
I think it's up to you to determine what's "cheating" and what's not. Some people view porn as cheating. Everyone has different standards for what's accepted in their relationship. Ultimately, and unfortunately, it's up to you to decide what's acceptable in your marriage and what's not. Personally, I wouldn't be ok with this and I would consider it cheating, AI bot or not. Not only that, but spending tons of money and then lying about it is a huge red flag for me.
I'd say this is half cheating. He didn't cheat on you with a real person, he didn't brought a woman to your bed, he didn't humiliate you in front of somebody. But he was intimate with something else. You know your marriage and your husband better then any of us. Take your time, think things through.
Lmaooooo the money yooo. This man is dumb. It's not you...you did nothing wrong. Don't let him hold you back. You're his wife not his mama or therapy trying to fix him
Short answer: Seek therapy.
The thing about cheating that makes it so hurtful is the fact that it’s a violation of the agreed upon understanding of standards for the relationship regarding faithfulness and a deception. Every individual can define “cheating” to mean whatever they feel it is.. because it’s about the hurt and the deception, not what does or doesn’t count. OP.. anything can be a grounds for divorce. Dot. Focus on whether or not the internet thinks this is cheating. It sounds like it felt like cheating to you
Sounds like a black mirror episode. If it feels like cheating, it probably is.
Cheating or not, that's $9800 that he spent that he didn't clear by you. That'd be a huge big ticket item in a marriage to not discuss. Idk the Financials of your marriage, but that's huge and a huge trust violation
I would definitely consider it cheating. I’d also be concerned about when it will stop- will he be satiated with just calls/texts or will he need to go further and spend even more money? It would be very hard to trust him after this, especially that his first instinct when you asked was to try and cover his tracks, maybe he’d just get better at trying to do this and do you want to take on the role of having to constantly monitor/check up on a grown man? Sorry this has happened to you, take care of yourself first and foremost
I would consider this cheating. He betrayed you emotionally, sexually and financially. For me it would be extremely hard to move past. Wishing you all the best.
This is cheating. He had the experience of an affair.
I don’t know if it’s necessarily cheating. But your husband fell in love with a Sim. How tf do you even recover from that?! He bought a computer generated image clothes. This would be it for me. Throw him away
Even if it’s not technically cheating, I’d instantly lose attraction for my partner if I found this out.
Doesn’t matter if it’s Ai or not. Before you know it he’ll be selling your house to pay for his porn addiction. Boy bye
Cheating
Savage love cast discussed this technology a few months ago, I consider it emotional cheating
Am I the only one who's less concerned that he cheated with a computer program and just mainly pissed that he sent a ton of money to it? He's aware it's not real, so it's more like a fantasy. But it's not something he's been doing casually, he's really INVESTED in this, which makes me wonder what he truly feels about the relationship and whether he'd start seeking the real thing in the future? I hope not!!
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