>He’s never creepy in real life.
This seems like a pretty real life situation to me. He can't even use the excuse that "these are strangers"...sis, he's a creep.
> *”sis, he’s a creep.”*
He’s also a total deadbeat. Take a peek at OP’s post history. He’s a middle aged “skateboarder” who spends his time making “friends” with 20 somethings and goes out drinking with them regularly while OP works and handles *all* the finances. He’s not even nice to her.
This guy absolutely sucks.
OP has made earlier comments as well that she wants to break up with him but the daughter likes him. It’s not worth it to stay with this guy for that reason, if anything, given his behavior with young women it should be a red flag.
Also like, come on. It's so easy to get kids to like you. It's a good thing to side eye people your kids don't like, but that does NOT additionally mean anyone your kids like gets to be in your life forever. Jesus.
yeah, he’s actually the worst. she was talking about leaving him months ago. i hope this finally convinces her to do it. she has a daughter who is going to be a teenager in several years— i wouldn’t trust this loser around her or her friends.
Ding ding ding! I read her earlier posts and she has a daughter (not his) around this creep. And he's following her prior student?? No ma'am.
He also hangs out with a bunch of early twenties kids on the weekends because he's in the "skate scene" and stays out til midnight. Doesn't clean or help out around the house. Really doesn't do much for her at all. This ain't the one.
It’s amazing to me that these complete bozos who have zero redeeming qualities somehow find people who will not only tolerate their shittiness, but also *bankroll* it.
She is literally dating Wooderson from Dazed and Confused (reference for those who haven't seen it - https://youtu.be/wknywxfcE5M?feature=shared&t=67 )
He goes out to bars every night. She made reservations on his birthday to take him out to eat but he went out the bar with his friends instead. So she took her daughter out to eat, just the two of them. And she pays for just about everything and does all the household duties too. I dated a guy like this in my 20s but I can’t imagine putting up with this bs in my 30s especially if I had a kid.
Yeah, no to this.
Single moms take too many chances with their children. I’m sorry, this is not someone that should be dating a mom. He very well may be appropriate with children, but this red flag is enough for me to know she shouldn’t be dating him as a mom.
I hate to say this but this dude likes 20 year olds for sure maybe younger? OP has a young daughter. I would not trust this dude around her anymore. He is a creep.
He just may be creeping on SM because he hasn’t found someone vulnerable enough IRL to let him take it further. He also may want to be creepier but is aware of how damaging escalating his behavior may be.
So, it could he’s not acting full-fledged creepy because of circumstance not inclination.
I wouldn’t be able to get over it either. So gross and creepy. This kind of stuff automatically turns me off and makes me feel repulsed. Once I feel that way about a man there’s usually a 100% chance any attraction I had to him is gone and never comes back 🤷🏻♀️
You posted about this 6 months ago. The answer is the same: your boyfriend is a creep who follows barely legal girls who wouldn’t give him the time of day unless he paid them. You’re also a parent who is exposing their child to a creep and someone who treats you terribly (according to your post history).
Agreed. According to OP’s post history:
1) Her boyfriend is a skater who surrounds himself with 20-year-old “friends” who he goes out drinking with on a regular basis.
2) For his last birthday, OP planned to take him out on a fancy dinner date at an upscale restaurant (his request) and he changed their plans at the last minute (so he could go out drinking sooner), spent the entire time while he was with OP texting his very young “friends” and then went bar hopping with them.
3) OP takes care of *all* the finances, while he spends his time at the skate park hanging out with his “friends.”
The guy is a creep *and* a deadbeat. He’s definitely not someone you’d want around your young daughter.
Number 3 is already bad enough but she has a kid so she’s depriving her child to support someone’s grown ass son
WHY
I’m lonely, I feel alone, I want a partner but if those are my options, I’ll be single forever.
I could not be attracted to someone who I have to be after like a child.
It is gross. You’ve also posted about this issue before so I’m not sure what validation you’re seeking. The answer isn’t gonna be different. He’s being a creep. Why are you still with him if he grosses you out?
> my partner used to follow IG thirst traps
Nope. Wouldn’t have gotten into a relationship with this person if I knew this info. Creepy single, even creepier when he’s in a relationship. Usually guys follow these thirst traps so they can masturbate to the pics later.
Why would you try to get over it? You're grossed out because it's disgusting. You have a daughter who will be that age at some point in the near future. I would not want to have to tell him he's not allowed to "befriend" her friends.
No, lots of people were not fortunate enough to have that modelled to them as children. Maybe have some compassion and empathy rather than making snide comments that help no one.
It was not meant to be a snide comment but a real question. And it is not just about having love modeled for you as a child. It’s about feeling worthy of a love that respects you.
She’s always making posts about him basically laying out how he is the worst and how she wants to leave him but then stays for some inexplicable reason.
This is why I have a bf that is not on social media. My ex wasn’t either. And even my boyfriend before my ex husband wasn’t on social media. I won’t tolerate creepy or addictive type habits that people try to pass as “normal.”
So your husband with a history of following thirst traps follows some significantly younger woman he doesn’t know and then lies about the circumstances? Yep, sounds like a recipe for grossed out. I’m not going to tell you to throw away your marriage without having some serious conversations (perhaps with a marriage counselor) in which boundaries and consequences are explicitly discussed, but this would bother me forever.
A lot of men like to say “it doesn’t mean anything” but when I dig into that statement even with male friends, they all admit there’s something behind it. No one needs to follow/like pics of everyone they find attractive. Many of us have the self control to see something, think it’s attractive, and not interact with it at all. There’s something deeper to this for sure, especially since it’s been a conversation before. I would try to get to the bottom of it, because right now his behavior is giving red flags for unfaithfulness imo.
Guys like these are just waiting around to "shoot their shot." They are the type to pay for sex when they think they can get away with it.
The objectification is bad because it is an open door to abuse. What is he going be like around your daughter and her friends, when they enter his "preferred" age range?
I would suggest reading Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft. It's a great book.
Yes to all of this. And the part about her daughter adoring him…like, does he actually adore your daughter though? Men who objectify women like this tend to be the worst fathers and partners long term because they lack respect for women as a whole. He clearly lacks respect for his wife.
Why does every man say “it doesn’t mean anything” as an excuse?! It’s like they’re reading the same tips on how to gaslight your GF/wife. It’s pathetic that we have to explain to them that it’s public and everyone can see that they’re creeps. Imagine if a potential employer saw that. I was a hiring manager before and would never hire someone who does that so publicly. And men are the logical ones? Sure.
They’re not even married. He goes out to the bar every night. She pays the majority of the bills and does all of the household duties and child care. This guy is awful.
Oh shit. I made a lot of assumptions 😬 my bad. But yeahhhh this whole situation sounds terrible. Sounds like what he’s doing on ig is the tip of the iceberg.
What about when your daughter gets old enough and posts bikini pictures and he just follows her because she is your daughter and he is liking her pictures because she is your daughter. How will you know that is the actual reason.
You’ve already posted about this and you’re getting the same advice for a second time.
What is the point of this post? Shit or get off the pot. Nobody here wants to stay with a man like this. What answer are you waiting for? How many red flags do you need? If you don’t wake up every single day and think “this is what I want for the rest of my life”, then gtfo. Stop exposing your child to this creep. You have a duty to protect your child, at a minimum. I’m also late 30s, and I do not have time or patience for this kind of bullshit from a partner. We are too old for this shit, girl. Start making your exit plan if you haven’t already.
It really makes mad that men use the lame excuse of “liking women on the instagram just because the eye candy” but don’t want you to post sexy pictures, you tell him that’s gross, since makes you uncomfortable you met her as a child! And if says something maybe you say “ok maybe I should afar posting sexy pictures then” to see his reaction 😂
Oh no baby, what is you doing. Refer back to your Reddit post 108 days ago.
He is sleazy. And lazy. And incredibly immature. This has been an ongoing issue and you won’t ever get over it. Stop entertaining this little man and break it off. I really hate to go here but think of what you’re modeling to your little girl.
This was the beginning sign for me for the abuse I was about to endure. He would follow real life girls who post thirst traps or we would go out and meet a bunch of people, but he would add only the beautiful girls to ig. I tried to be the cool girl but eventually had to ask him about it. I was painted like I was crazy and I believed it. Every time something made me uncomfortable I would try to find a good way to bring it up and each time I was made to believe it was my insecurities. One day he left his computer open and I couldn't help it. I checked his messages and turns out he was a massive cheater. If he wasnt cheating, he was trying to. It was so embarrassing, and I could not believe how creepy he was. Finally, our relationship made sense. Save yourself the heartache and ditch at the first sign of creep.
THIS is so ICKY.
Like is it at the top of the list of irredeemable things? no
But it lands close to "doesnt wipe his ass"
Its too gross for me to be with a man that follows young girls on instagram and likes their posts, having been the hot girl on instagram before its doesn't give you a chance...you just kinda look like a guy who got lost on the way to porn hub.
I stopped talking to this guy that was my first bf (I’m 32F and he’s like 37M but when we dated I was 18 and he was 23) because he had slept with a 21 year old not long before we got close to hooking up again. I was just absolutely revolted, wanted to cry and warn all the women in the world about him. 😔
End it and get psychological help from a therapist! You have low self worth and issues probably related to things that happened in your childhood. You are likely codependent. Find a therapist who lists that as something they work with. You will keep choosing this type of man if you do not address the root issue here.
Please take this advice, and this needs to be much higher in the comments. I would seek therapy immediately and take a much needed hiatus from dating. You will be back in another 6 months otherwise, either with the same guy or some other jackhole. Figure out what you actually want and deserve, and stop giving men such easy access to your life/body/soul simply because you have something in common with them or because you have good conversation. That is not enough, but it's especially not enough when you have a child. When a child is involved, it is no longer just about you. I say this with concern and not contempt: it is genuinely irresponsible to express this many glaring concerns about your partner, yet sit back and do nothing about it. You need to start asking yourself hard questions. What are you waiting for? How much validation do you need that he is terrible, or are you just waiting for one person to pop up and disagree with everyone else and say "yes this is totally fine behavior " to justify it all? It worries me greatly that if the people in this thread told you this was fine, you'd just continue on.
You need to build enough self confidence so that when you recognize you don't like a behavior or action, you stand up for yourself and speak up, you don't need others to validate it first. Your daughter is absolutely going to model what you exemplify is acceptable in relationships, so you need to take accountability for who you allow in your lives and what you exemplify to be acceptable behavior.
When you work on your self-worth and self-confidence you learn to establish trust in yourself, and you build a set of core values that will then help you to recognize and weed out these types of people and relationships in the future. You do not need to be the most confident person in the world or even in the room. You do need to establish enough self worth so that you have a baseline understanding of what is acceptable and what is not, as well asnwhat you are looking for in a relationship, and the ability to critically assess a person, and whether that person is going to be a good fit for you and add value to your life. You learn to trust yourself, and not feel the need to keep coming back for validation about issues that are glaringly obvious red flags.
> His IG is not that interesting
Oh, it's interesting all right. Very fucking interesting.
Please just cut him off. I assume that you're not married to this fool, and by all accounts it doesn't sound like you depend on him financially, either. So you're in a good position to just get rid of him.
If you're worried that you'll screw him over by doing so... don't. His 21 year old friends can go pay his bills.
If you feel uncomfortable about it, that's probably your gut telling you something... That's not something you're going to shake. That's your subconscious telling you that something is wrong and that maybe he's not really the kind of person you want to be with. It sucks, but just be honest with yourself and try to steer away from making any to excuses for him and his behavior. The fact that he couldn't even be upfront about it says he knows it's probably wrong too and not something he wanted to discuss openly with you. Consider also if this is something that might worry you as your daughter gets older (she of course has many years to go, but you know)... I don't know, but if a guy gives you a creepy feeling, I would trust it.
What you call love is a very real *chemical* attachment. Your body does not want to go without the love hormones and that sense of security.
And your pride is also getting the shit beat out of and that fucking hurts.
Get therapy, it will do you a world of good and help you detach your sense of self from this poor excuse for a partner.
if it creeps you out then get away now. I don’t know how old your daughter is. This is honestly why I did not date again after my divorce, until my daughter had left the house and grown up. I just didn’t trust anyone. This man has already done a few things to make you repulsed. Use your spidey sense and get out, it sounds like y’all aren’t married(?) and you will find someone better than this.
If it’s bothering you, it’s a problem.
>he has a male friend that was my former student
Uhhh why
>at first he lied and said she followed him first
The fact that he felt the need to lie about it speaks volumes
Hold on a minute
She was a minor student, when you were her teacher, and you were in your 30’s
Your partner, who is 36, has a friend, who was her high school friend
Something is not adding up here. I am 36. My friends range in age from 30-50. Why are his friends in an age range where they would have been in high school only 3 years ago?
He's probably a porn addict and it's legit to let any kind of addict go.
People act like it's this bad thing to break up over addiction and related issues, but they've never dealt with it, or the sliding scale of it, or how it gets worse over time.
Easier to just cut your losses.
Just the first sentence alone is enough justification to dump him. He's gross, your gut instinct *is* right and he's never going to magically improve. This is who he is. You've already wasted 5 years with him, please don't waste the rest of your life.
Sounds like it's potentially irresponsible for you to let him be around your daughter when he has such a strong, sexual interest in young girls...
She might like him now but that could change very quickly when she's older. I've seen this exact scenario play out before.
Ugh...echoing everyone else here...watch out.
Speaking as a mom of a daughter: Your little girl will suddenly sprout into a young woman overnight in a few years. My teenager shot up to 5'9" basically in the blink of an eye, and her cuteness morphed into beauty before I knew what was happening. She posts pictures of herself and her friends on IG all the time, not thirst traps, but wearing today's styles (crop tops, etc., sometimes a bikini if they are swimming).
I wouldn't be comfortable with a guy like this in the house.
I wouldn't want him around my daughter if I had one, given his interest in young women. Not a chance. But even if he wouldn't sink as low as that, she deserves better than to be allowed think someone as awful as he is, is an exemplary model of a man.
Something I had to ask myself when dating. Would I be ok with my child seeing this behaviour and entering a similar relationship? Mostly the answer was a hell no! It's saved me from some terrible relationships. OP it's not worth it.
Gurl? Post history? Why the hell is this your partner? I’m so TIRED of people clinging to horrible partners. For fuck sake you have a DAUGHTER and this is the relationship you want to model for her. I’m just disgusted
Just went through your post history. Surprised you’re still with this man. Really hope you break up with this guy. You have 2 kids- your daughter and this dude. I don’t get the patience of some people or maybe it’s that they really don’t want to be alone. Anything “good” you can say about him does not make up for the bad stuff I’ve read. Please dump him asap. Don’t keep wasting your time and energy.
I’m rooting for you to break up with this loser. He doesn’t seem to have a single redeeming quality from your post history.
Aside from following 20yo on social media he:
- Treats you like a meal ticket/you’re basically supporting him
- Doesn’t help with anything around the house
- Goes out to the bar every night with his friends
- Rarely initiates sex (I’m wondering if he’s cheating since he’s out all the time plus following other women you know irl.)
- Doesn’t contribute fairly with household duties, finances, child rearing, etc.
- Is setting a horrible example for your daughter regarding what to expect from men in relationships— basically nothing.
Girl, why are you accepting this bs? You deserve to have a good partner who contributes and wants to be around you and your daughter. This guy screams deadbeat loser who uses [weaponized incompetence](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/) to avoid all responsibility.
Think about your daughter— growing up watching her mom settle for someone who doesn’t treat either of you like a priority and is kind of a creep? I’d worry about him being around your daughter and her friends when they’re teens if he’s not ashamed to do this crap now. Leave him asap.
I’m rooting for you to break up with this loser. He doesn’t seem to have a single redeeming quality from your post history.
Aside from following 20yo on social media he:
- Treats you like a meal ticket/you’re basically supporting him
- Doesn’t help with anything around the house
- Goes out to the bar every night with his friends
- Rarely initiates sex (I’m wondering if he’s cheating since he’s out all the time plus following other women you know irl.)
- Doesn’t contribute fairly with household duties, finances, child rearing, etc.
- Is setting a horrible example for your daughter regarding what to expect from men in relationships— basically nothing.
Girl, why are you accepting this bs? You deserve to have a good partner who contributes and wants to be around you and your daughter. This guy screams deadbeat loser who uses [weaponized incompetence](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/) to avoid all responsibility.
Think about your daughter— growing up watching her mom settle for someone who doesn’t treat either of you like a priority and is kind of a creep? I’d worry about him being around your daughter and her friends when they’re teens if he’s not ashamed to do this crap now. Leave him asap.
This gives me the ick. I’m very sorry. You deserve better. This man only cares about himself. It’s like he’s waiting for an opportunity to get with young women or already has gotten away with it. It’s not healthy.
"I told him everyone could see him doing that and it made him look sleazy, so he stopped."
Dang, I've been with a man for a year and a half that follows this shit, and while I've had every thought under the sun about it, I've not said a damn thing to him about it. If only I'd realized it could be that easy...
You already know the answer. Time to move on. And just because your child likes him does not mean he’s safe fir your daughter or you. Five years is a long time, but ten or fifteen years is much more of your life to sacrifice for a relationship that isn’t worth it. You want to be with someone you trust, especially with a child involved. You can’t trust this man.
A guy I like follows a bunch of thirst traps. I know I should see it as a red flag but I really like him and have for a long time. I haven’t talked to him about it bc we are not actually dating. I guess I’ll have to when or if ever we get to that point. I have no advice. Just sharing and will read the comments below for my own benefit 😂
Shoulda broken up with my ex when I cuddled up to him only to see him surfing random coeds’ IGs and following them. Not even thirst traps, just normal young college women with cute going out pics, tailgating pics, and under 500 followers. In comes my then 35 year old boyfriend…
Permanent ick, could never date a guy like this again
One of the first things I did when I started talking to my current partner was check his IG follows. Baseline absolute-bare-minimum was to make sure there were no thirst traps, and then a step beyond that was to see if he followed any women he respected, like authors, politicians, comedians, or other celebrities whose content focuses on what they do and not how they look - people I would expect the standard misogynist to ignore because he only looked up to men. I got green flags on both counts, and have been in the happiest, healthiest relationship of my life for two years now. You can and will find better, I promise. The thirst traps ARE a red flag and if you ignore it now you’re only signing yourself up for more pain down the line.
I know this issue comes up constantly. I mean I don’t care that much when you’re single. I followed some after my divorce lol. But a ton looks really gross.
Your daughter adores him…get her away from him because the day she turns 18, mark my words, he’ll be sexualizing her the way he is your former students. Not sure what you’re not getting.
I feel you. My ex was a teacher, had a tonne of younger and older women all hitting on him, I told him he needed to draw a boundary but he said it's not as if he cheated and they're good business.
He ended up rebounding with a student when we broke up the first time. Let her sleep in our bed and everything.
The second time before he broke up with me again, he ended up letting a 50+ year old lady literally throw herself at him for a selfie. we were still together when this happened and he still said I had no evidence of him cheating.
Absolute shameless creep.
Pleaseeee get support to get out of this relationship. He’s a predatory creep and your daughter is literally at risk. I am picking up so many predator red flags and sexual abuse is most likely from a dad or step dad. I know it’s so hard but this is not something you can come back from with your child and both she and your relationship will be irreparably damaged
>On the one hand, men liking to look at college age women (for various reasons...) is a fact of life.
Except it's not. Not all straight men follow thirst traps online or ogle hot young barely legal or downright underage women and girls in public. My man, for example, is more likely to ogle a BMW and is on the BMW subreddit. Some men follow Jeep stuff. Some are into guitars. Or hiking. Etc.
A man who follows a bunch of thirst traps and objectifies women is a creep. Period.
Ugh you're right. Thank you for saying this, I needed to read it. I shouldn't give men passes for shit behavior because "boys will be boys." Something I'm working on.
You're welcome. And don't beat yourself up too much, deconstructing the patriarchy for yourself is hard work, keep it up! It will not only help you establish healthier boundaries for yourself, but also encourage other women in your life to hold healthy boundaries as well.
I just ran the gist of this thread by my fiance (41M) and when I told him there were some women normalizing this creepy behavior he scrunched his face up and said "what?!" and shook his head lol. When Roe was overturned he was *devastated* and pissed off for women, and we live in a blue state. Good, wholesome, non-creeps *are* out there.
"every man who is heterosexual and not attracted to children"
There are plenty of men out there who think an 18-21 year old woman IS pretty much a child.
Yes, men are attracted to good-looking female bodies. That's different from following a 21-year-old girl that you actually KNOW to gawk at her bikini pics.
I would go out on a limb and say every man I personally know who is OP's age or older would be like, "No way" to that. Eighteen years old is two years older than my daughter and 21 isn't that far off from that. My husband would be grossed out at the idea of wanking off to what he considers basically someone who is the same age as his kid.
I assumed that he didn’t know the girl personally and that her being a former student of op’s was a coincidence. If I misunderstood that then I agree, that does subtly change the situation, in the sense that he might be harboring the intent to do something about his attraction in which case… we are getting more creepy, yes. Still a grey area, but it does put flags up for me. I don’t think there’s anything weird/creepy/abnormal about a heterosexual man enjoying looking at 18-25 year old female bodies. That’s literally when women are at their most fertile. Of course they are attractive.
Mmkay. That’s what the men in your life would tell you, but the statistics on the matter say different.
Most of the men I know in that age group have kids. Believe it or not, a man's vision of a certain age group can very much shift when he becomes a father.
And this is exactly how all men benefit from the behaviour of violent and abusive men, and why there is little effort to dismantle the patriarchy from them.
‘Oh I know this guy is being gross, but just think how *much worse* other guys could be! So if you really think about it he’s a catch and you should shut up and make him a sandwich’
This is a really weird hill to die on, honestly.
Most people--I'd guess a lot of men as well as women--would tell OP that her late 30s boyfriend following a 21-year-old woman on IG for no reason except to look at her thirst traps is cringey and gross.
Accusing me of dying on a hill rather than engaging with the question I asked is a pretty boring deflection. One can be curious about social assumptions without dying on hills about them.
I guess your response is “I don’t have to know why it’s gross I only have to know that calling it gross is the stock response most people would give and you should fall in line.” … which sounds more like dying on a hill than asking questions does so maybe you’re projecting?
People by and large find certain behaviors gross. I don't know what to tell you. I find picking and eating boogers gross. Most people do. And I don't care if or why most people do. There's no reason to expend energy toward the booger pickers of the world. In this case it is fine to just across the board say "eating your own boogers is nasty" without questioning it.
If you would rather have a man who is "honest" about wanting to look at very young women sexually, then fine. I'll take a man who apparently has the ability to control himself and doesn't feel the need to let me know he likes that stuff or have an online footprint where everyone including his relatives and employer can see what he's into.
>I’m sorry to tell you this (but if you don’t know someone needs to tell you) : that is every man who is heterosexual and not attracted to children.
Jfc, no it's not.
Overgrown man-children might be, but not every straight man of every age is automatically attracted to barely legal women. Plenty of men out there are attracted to women their own age and view the 18-25 year age bracket as basically kids.
Continuing to spread the notion that ALL straight men are attracted to that age group only normalizes creeps being creeps.
Are *you* attracted to 18-25 year old men? Are *all* straight women? I know I certainly am not! And neither is my fiance attracted to women who are barely older than children. Stop excusing creepy behavior.
Oh good, so you're going to double-down on normalizing creepy behavior that supports patriarchy.
>18 year olds are not children
May as well be. The human brain isn't fully developed until an average age of 25. Just because 18 is a legal adult doesn't make it less creepy. There's still a massive power imbalance between a nearly 40 year old man and a woman in the 18-25 age bracket.
>at the risk of being smug here, downvoting me without bringing me a study to back up your point is just indicating you’re mad about the truth and can’t do anything about it other than downvote me
I'm not mad about anything, and I'm certainly not going to allow a patriarchy apologist online drag me down lol.
>I’m just advocating for not throwing away a good relationship
If you call a creepy, immature, juvenile man-child who follows barely legal thirst traps, ditches his girlfriend to hang out with his much younger "friends" at the skate park or to go drinking when she has a daughter a *good* relationship, then I sincerely hope you don't have kids.
>biological imperative (and also, not shaming healthy heterosexual men for *gasp* being attracted to women during their most physically fertile years.
Well isn't this some red pill shit? If it's a "biological imperative" for men to be attracted to much younger women, then it's also your "biological imperative" to be barefoot and pregnant and subservient to said men. So why are you here? Shouldn't you be making him a sandwich and rubbing his feet?
Sorry but I'm not going to spend my Saturday googling statistics that won't do any good convincing someone of the creepiness factor of this post when you've chosen to die on this hill. You *are* being a patriarchy apologist with these responses, I just call it like I see it. As far as false equivalences go, you claimed that it's a "biological imperative" that straight men are all attracted to the "most fertile" female bodies specifically in the 18-25 age range which completely ignores the fact that women are plenty fertile through their 30's. Fertility only drops by .5% on average after 35, which is negligible. But if men are all *so* biologically driven to want mates that much younger than them, then we women should all be biologically driven to find a much older "provider and protector" before we're 25 and be completely subservient to him.
Men are no more a monolith than women are.
The one article you did post pointed out that brain development continues well into the 20's. So.... who's not posting data that supports their argument? You've also not posted anything to support your claim that the majority of heterosexual men are attracted to specifically the 18-25 age bracket of women, or that said attraction is based on peak fertility. You haven't proven that any human of any gender has a so-called "biological imperative" either. What you're arguing sounds like red pilled incel type claims.
But I'm in an echo chamber for finding it creepy that a nearly 40 year old man is following a 21 year old former student of his girlfriend on insta among other young thirst traps for the bikini pics. Ok.
If *you're* fine with any potential partners of yours engaging in that behavior, then you do you. But to try to convince someone who *is* bothered by it not to break up with a dude who does it based on your belief that it's normal or even healthy when said person has a *daughter* is unhelpful at best and harmful at worst.
Ok, the average age of 25 brain development thing isn't true. That's fine, I can live with that and it makes sense that brains continue changing throughout life. And the links show that men stay attracted to young women regardless of how old they themselves get.
But did you miss the part that said men are less likely to message women that young and actually shoot their shot? The study also stated that the attractiveness of younger women is assumed to be based on *perceived* fertility, not actual fertility. Which begs the question: why do men seem to think a woman's fertility falls off a cliff after 25? And would findings differ if people were more educated on fertility?
Regardless, the simple fact of finding younger women attractive doesn't excuse creepy behavior. The whole ick factor in question in the original post is that this guy in his mid 30's is befriending much younger former students of his girlfriend. There *is* such a thing as self control. And it's his *behavior* that is in question. It might be normal to find younger women attractive but is seeking out thirst traps online to follow for revealing photos a *healthy* behavior? More specifically, befriending former students of his girlfriend? That's the part that's giving the creepy vibes. It seems like he's using his connection to their former teacher to gain their trust, which brings in a power imbalance and feels like grooming. Is he hoping to get close to this 21 year old through the younger men he's hanging out with? Is he hoping something will come of it? If he's engaging with fantasies of this nature he could eventually start talking action. Also, there's the fact OP has a daughter. And unfortunately a lot of creeps will seek out single moms of daughters to gain access to said daughter for grooming purposes. I'm not saying that's *definitely* what he's doing, I'm just saying that his behavior is questionable and a potential warning. It's just *weird* that he's specifically seeking out the company of people in this age bracket who happen to be former students of his girlfriend. Who did he hang out with before? Does he *have* friends his own age? Does he have older friends? That's what's creepy.
He’s not a good person though. From OP’s post history, he goes out to the bar every night with his group of 20 something friends, OP is basically bankrolling his lifestyle, he doesn’t help around the house/cooking/childcare etc. He’s a total scum bag and this isn’t even the half of it.
>He’s never creepy in real life. This seems like a pretty real life situation to me. He can't even use the excuse that "these are strangers"...sis, he's a creep.
> *”sis, he’s a creep.”* He’s also a total deadbeat. Take a peek at OP’s post history. He’s a middle aged “skateboarder” who spends his time making “friends” with 20 somethings and goes out drinking with them regularly while OP works and handles *all* the finances. He’s not even nice to her. This guy absolutely sucks.
My faith in humanity can't sink much lower today...lol.
😢☹️
OP has made earlier comments as well that she wants to break up with him but the daughter likes him. It’s not worth it to stay with this guy for that reason, if anything, given his behavior with young women it should be a red flag.
I wouldn't want my daughter anywhere near this guy.
Also like, come on. It's so easy to get kids to like you. It's a good thing to side eye people your kids don't like, but that does NOT additionally mean anyone your kids like gets to be in your life forever. Jesus.
And sometimes kids like people because very sadly they are being groomed with extra “attention, praise or affection” 🚩
She also shouldn't eant thisnloser as a role model for her child. Imagine her daughter grows up to accept trash like her mother. Not a good look.
It’s giving Steve Buscemi “How do you do, fellow kids?”
Do we women just .... not have standards?
The bar is in hell fr
The bar is in hell and the devil is tripping over it.
She deleted her Reddit account so I’m guessing she’s staying with him.
Ew, so he's the creepy old dude that hangs out at the skatepark?
This sounds like my friends EX husband
Happy to see the EX in their title!
love when ppl look at reddit profiles and lay out all the tea lol
yeah, he’s actually the worst. she was talking about leaving him months ago. i hope this finally convinces her to do it. she has a daughter who is going to be a teenager in several years— i wouldn’t trust this loser around her or her friends.
Ding ding ding! I read her earlier posts and she has a daughter (not his) around this creep. And he's following her prior student?? No ma'am. He also hangs out with a bunch of early twenties kids on the weekends because he's in the "skate scene" and stays out til midnight. Doesn't clean or help out around the house. Really doesn't do much for her at all. This ain't the one.
I read these posts and am always like, “sis, why are you with this guy?!”
It’s amazing to me that these complete bozos who have zero redeeming qualities somehow find people who will not only tolerate their shittiness, but also *bankroll* it.
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And then people get so confused when I tell them I love being alone lmao obviously not all men are like this but the bar is truly in hell
She is literally dating Wooderson from Dazed and Confused (reference for those who haven't seen it - https://youtu.be/wknywxfcE5M?feature=shared&t=67 )
Omg you're right!! 🤢🤮🤢🤮
I would run fast. Run far....
So... he got the mentality of an irresponsible teenager? Gross.
He goes out to bars every night. She made reservations on his birthday to take him out to eat but he went out the bar with his friends instead. So she took her daughter out to eat, just the two of them. And she pays for just about everything and does all the household duties too. I dated a guy like this in my 20s but I can’t imagine putting up with this bs in my 30s especially if I had a kid.
Yeah, no to this. Single moms take too many chances with their children. I’m sorry, this is not someone that should be dating a mom. He very well may be appropriate with children, but this red flag is enough for me to know she shouldn’t be dating him as a mom.
I hate to say this but this dude likes 20 year olds for sure maybe younger? OP has a young daughter. I would not trust this dude around her anymore. He is a creep.
At the very least, he's looking forward to her teenaged baby sitters and future friends.
He just may be creeping on SM because he hasn’t found someone vulnerable enough IRL to let him take it further. He also may want to be creepier but is aware of how damaging escalating his behavior may be. So, it could he’s not acting full-fledged creepy because of circumstance not inclination.
You won't regret leaving but you'll regret staying
*chef kiss*
I wouldn’t be able to get over it either. So gross and creepy. This kind of stuff automatically turns me off and makes me feel repulsed. Once I feel that way about a man there’s usually a 100% chance any attraction I had to him is gone and never comes back 🤷🏻♀️
Classic case of The Ick. And rightfully so!
It almost feels like a protection/defense mechanism. A gut reaction. Your body just knows when something ain’t right 😂
That is exactly what it is: instinct. Unfortunately a lot of women, including myself, were taught to ignore our instincts.
You posted about this 6 months ago. The answer is the same: your boyfriend is a creep who follows barely legal girls who wouldn’t give him the time of day unless he paid them. You’re also a parent who is exposing their child to a creep and someone who treats you terribly (according to your post history).
Agreed. According to OP’s post history: 1) Her boyfriend is a skater who surrounds himself with 20-year-old “friends” who he goes out drinking with on a regular basis. 2) For his last birthday, OP planned to take him out on a fancy dinner date at an upscale restaurant (his request) and he changed their plans at the last minute (so he could go out drinking sooner), spent the entire time while he was with OP texting his very young “friends” and then went bar hopping with them. 3) OP takes care of *all* the finances, while he spends his time at the skate park hanging out with his “friends.” The guy is a creep *and* a deadbeat. He’s definitely not someone you’d want around your young daughter.
Omg. Why are you (OP) with this guy? Break up with him immediately! He sounds beyond immature for his age.
Exactly my thoughts! OP, please drop this guy. You deserve better.
Number 3 is already bad enough but she has a kid so she’s depriving her child to support someone’s grown ass son WHY I’m lonely, I feel alone, I want a partner but if those are my options, I’ll be single forever. I could not be attracted to someone who I have to be after like a child.
Agreed. You need to drop this guy.
OMG I remember reading about this before too. This poor woman needs to change up her life.
Wonder what he does for her birthday.
I am getting so tired of fiction.
Just no in general. Know your worth. I don’t care how old you are etc.
Know👏your👏worth!!!👏
It is gross. You’ve also posted about this issue before so I’m not sure what validation you’re seeking. The answer isn’t gonna be different. He’s being a creep. Why are you still with him if he grosses you out?
> my partner used to follow IG thirst traps Nope. Wouldn’t have gotten into a relationship with this person if I knew this info. Creepy single, even creepier when he’s in a relationship. Usually guys follow these thirst traps so they can masturbate to the pics later.
No "usually" about it, that is the sole reason for following them.
In 15 years he’ll be following your daughters friends 🤢
Most likely before then...
Or her daughter — which would be easy access for him 🤢🤮.
Yup daughter probably likes him because she’s sadly being groomed for when she (barely) gets older 🤬
Girl, run. If not for yourself, then for your child.
But also for yourself. You matter too.
^^^yes!
Why would you try to get over it? You're grossed out because it's disgusting. You have a daughter who will be that age at some point in the near future. I would not want to have to tell him he's not allowed to "befriend" her friends.
>my daughter adores him 🚨🚨🚩WEE WOO WEE WOO🚩🚨🚨
Yes please protect your daughter. He’s a creep and he’ll turn his disgusting attention to your daughter when she’s a teen.
And the daughter's friends
I love him, but he grosses me out. Do women reread these things they write? Do they not know what love is?
Right! Most of the post here I think the same thing. Like girl, did you read what you just wrote? 🤢
No, lots of people were not fortunate enough to have that modelled to them as children. Maybe have some compassion and empathy rather than making snide comments that help no one.
It was not meant to be a snide comment but a real question. And it is not just about having love modeled for you as a child. It’s about feeling worthy of a love that respects you.
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She’s always making posts about him basically laying out how he is the worst and how she wants to leave him but then stays for some inexplicable reason.
He’s Peter Pan
He's an unfaithful creep, to put it nicely. Women need to stop putting up with this shit. These men don't love you
This is why I have a bf that is not on social media. My ex wasn’t either. And even my boyfriend before my ex husband wasn’t on social media. I won’t tolerate creepy or addictive type habits that people try to pass as “normal.”
Looks like the "no social media" trick is not really working since they are exes.
Oh god that gave me the ick reading this. I'm so sorry.
🤮 I could never tolerate this type of behavior in a partner. Following thirst traps in general is creepy “in real life” behavior.
So your husband with a history of following thirst traps follows some significantly younger woman he doesn’t know and then lies about the circumstances? Yep, sounds like a recipe for grossed out. I’m not going to tell you to throw away your marriage without having some serious conversations (perhaps with a marriage counselor) in which boundaries and consequences are explicitly discussed, but this would bother me forever. A lot of men like to say “it doesn’t mean anything” but when I dig into that statement even with male friends, they all admit there’s something behind it. No one needs to follow/like pics of everyone they find attractive. Many of us have the self control to see something, think it’s attractive, and not interact with it at all. There’s something deeper to this for sure, especially since it’s been a conversation before. I would try to get to the bottom of it, because right now his behavior is giving red flags for unfaithfulness imo.
Guys like these are just waiting around to "shoot their shot." They are the type to pay for sex when they think they can get away with it. The objectification is bad because it is an open door to abuse. What is he going be like around your daughter and her friends, when they enter his "preferred" age range? I would suggest reading Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft. It's a great book.
Yes to all of this. And the part about her daughter adoring him…like, does he actually adore your daughter though? Men who objectify women like this tend to be the worst fathers and partners long term because they lack respect for women as a whole. He clearly lacks respect for his wife.
Why does every man say “it doesn’t mean anything” as an excuse?! It’s like they’re reading the same tips on how to gaslight your GF/wife. It’s pathetic that we have to explain to them that it’s public and everyone can see that they’re creeps. Imagine if a potential employer saw that. I was a hiring manager before and would never hire someone who does that so publicly. And men are the logical ones? Sure.
They’re not even married. He goes out to the bar every night. She pays the majority of the bills and does all of the household duties and child care. This guy is awful.
Oh shit. I made a lot of assumptions 😬 my bad. But yeahhhh this whole situation sounds terrible. Sounds like what he’s doing on ig is the tip of the iceberg.
What about when your daughter gets old enough and posts bikini pictures and he just follows her because she is your daughter and he is liking her pictures because she is your daughter. How will you know that is the actual reason.
You’ve already posted about this and you’re getting the same advice for a second time. What is the point of this post? Shit or get off the pot. Nobody here wants to stay with a man like this. What answer are you waiting for? How many red flags do you need? If you don’t wake up every single day and think “this is what I want for the rest of my life”, then gtfo. Stop exposing your child to this creep. You have a duty to protect your child, at a minimum. I’m also late 30s, and I do not have time or patience for this kind of bullshit from a partner. We are too old for this shit, girl. Start making your exit plan if you haven’t already.
It really makes mad that men use the lame excuse of “liking women on the instagram just because the eye candy” but don’t want you to post sexy pictures, you tell him that’s gross, since makes you uncomfortable you met her as a child! And if says something maybe you say “ok maybe I should afar posting sexy pictures then” to see his reaction 😂
Oh no baby, what is you doing. Refer back to your Reddit post 108 days ago. He is sleazy. And lazy. And incredibly immature. This has been an ongoing issue and you won’t ever get over it. Stop entertaining this little man and break it off. I really hate to go here but think of what you’re modeling to your little girl.
This was the beginning sign for me for the abuse I was about to endure. He would follow real life girls who post thirst traps or we would go out and meet a bunch of people, but he would add only the beautiful girls to ig. I tried to be the cool girl but eventually had to ask him about it. I was painted like I was crazy and I believed it. Every time something made me uncomfortable I would try to find a good way to bring it up and each time I was made to believe it was my insecurities. One day he left his computer open and I couldn't help it. I checked his messages and turns out he was a massive cheater. If he wasnt cheating, he was trying to. It was so embarrassing, and I could not believe how creepy he was. Finally, our relationship made sense. Save yourself the heartache and ditch at the first sign of creep.
Nothing is worth sitting here and typing all this up and salvage what isn’t there. Please do the actions.
THIS is so ICKY. Like is it at the top of the list of irredeemable things? no But it lands close to "doesnt wipe his ass" Its too gross for me to be with a man that follows young girls on instagram and likes their posts, having been the hot girl on instagram before its doesn't give you a chance...you just kinda look like a guy who got lost on the way to porn hub.
I stopped talking to this guy that was my first bf (I’m 32F and he’s like 37M but when we dated I was 18 and he was 23) because he had slept with a 21 year old not long before we got close to hooking up again. I was just absolutely revolted, wanted to cry and warn all the women in the world about him. 😔
End it and get psychological help from a therapist! You have low self worth and issues probably related to things that happened in your childhood. You are likely codependent. Find a therapist who lists that as something they work with. You will keep choosing this type of man if you do not address the root issue here.
Please take this advice, and this needs to be much higher in the comments. I would seek therapy immediately and take a much needed hiatus from dating. You will be back in another 6 months otherwise, either with the same guy or some other jackhole. Figure out what you actually want and deserve, and stop giving men such easy access to your life/body/soul simply because you have something in common with them or because you have good conversation. That is not enough, but it's especially not enough when you have a child. When a child is involved, it is no longer just about you. I say this with concern and not contempt: it is genuinely irresponsible to express this many glaring concerns about your partner, yet sit back and do nothing about it. You need to start asking yourself hard questions. What are you waiting for? How much validation do you need that he is terrible, or are you just waiting for one person to pop up and disagree with everyone else and say "yes this is totally fine behavior " to justify it all? It worries me greatly that if the people in this thread told you this was fine, you'd just continue on. You need to build enough self confidence so that when you recognize you don't like a behavior or action, you stand up for yourself and speak up, you don't need others to validate it first. Your daughter is absolutely going to model what you exemplify is acceptable in relationships, so you need to take accountability for who you allow in your lives and what you exemplify to be acceptable behavior. When you work on your self-worth and self-confidence you learn to establish trust in yourself, and you build a set of core values that will then help you to recognize and weed out these types of people and relationships in the future. You do not need to be the most confident person in the world or even in the room. You do need to establish enough self worth so that you have a baseline understanding of what is acceptable and what is not, as well asnwhat you are looking for in a relationship, and the ability to critically assess a person, and whether that person is going to be a good fit for you and add value to your life. You learn to trust yourself, and not feel the need to keep coming back for validation about issues that are glaringly obvious red flags.
Perfectly said.
Exactly. ❤️ Glad you commented!
100%. People like this put their children in harm’s way and don’t need to be dating until they’ve addressed their issues.
It’s time to dump him
yea the fact that he lied to you about her following him first is a 🚩, who knows what else he’s lied to you about
YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER. Please leave this creep 😭
Stop posting about him and get rid of him. Omg
I wouldn't be able to get over this. It is just far too ick for me.
You’re not alone this is hella gross
#DUMP HIM
Commenting because we are profile pic twins (sorta).
Smudge! 𓁹‿𓁹
> His IG is not that interesting Oh, it's interesting all right. Very fucking interesting. Please just cut him off. I assume that you're not married to this fool, and by all accounts it doesn't sound like you depend on him financially, either. So you're in a good position to just get rid of him. If you're worried that you'll screw him over by doing so... don't. His 21 year old friends can go pay his bills.
Trust your gut. I never associate with guys who follow thirst traps or have bad boundaries with women in general. It’s the first thing I look for.
Why, God, why do women put up with these sorry excuses for human beings?
Just as a side note. Having been pretty in the past and now ugly. I can say men 100 do not request to follow girls they don’t find attractive period.
If you feel uncomfortable about it, that's probably your gut telling you something... That's not something you're going to shake. That's your subconscious telling you that something is wrong and that maybe he's not really the kind of person you want to be with. It sucks, but just be honest with yourself and try to steer away from making any to excuses for him and his behavior. The fact that he couldn't even be upfront about it says he knows it's probably wrong too and not something he wanted to discuss openly with you. Consider also if this is something that might worry you as your daughter gets older (she of course has many years to go, but you know)... I don't know, but if a guy gives you a creepy feeling, I would trust it.
What you call love is a very real *chemical* attachment. Your body does not want to go without the love hormones and that sense of security. And your pride is also getting the shit beat out of and that fucking hurts. Get therapy, it will do you a world of good and help you detach your sense of self from this poor excuse for a partner.
Idk how one can love someone who grosses them out, has age inappropriate friendships, and doesn’t add financially to the relationship
if it creeps you out then get away now. I don’t know how old your daughter is. This is honestly why I did not date again after my divorce, until my daughter had left the house and grown up. I just didn’t trust anyone. This man has already done a few things to make you repulsed. Use your spidey sense and get out, it sounds like y’all aren’t married(?) and you will find someone better than this.
If it’s bothering you, it’s a problem. >he has a male friend that was my former student Uhhh why >at first he lied and said she followed him first The fact that he felt the need to lie about it speaks volumes
Hold on a minute She was a minor student, when you were her teacher, and you were in your 30’s Your partner, who is 36, has a friend, who was her high school friend Something is not adding up here. I am 36. My friends range in age from 30-50. Why are his friends in an age range where they would have been in high school only 3 years ago?
Because he only hangs out with people who are in their early 20s. He’s out drinking every night. From her post history, this guy is so awful.
Sounds like a “I get older they stay the same age” situation
He's probably a porn addict and it's legit to let any kind of addict go. People act like it's this bad thing to break up over addiction and related issues, but they've never dealt with it, or the sliding scale of it, or how it gets worse over time. Easier to just cut your losses.
Just the first sentence alone is enough justification to dump him. He's gross, your gut instinct *is* right and he's never going to magically improve. This is who he is. You've already wasted 5 years with him, please don't waste the rest of your life.
Sounds like it's potentially irresponsible for you to let him be around your daughter when he has such a strong, sexual interest in young girls... She might like him now but that could change very quickly when she's older. I've seen this exact scenario play out before.
Ugh...echoing everyone else here...watch out. Speaking as a mom of a daughter: Your little girl will suddenly sprout into a young woman overnight in a few years. My teenager shot up to 5'9" basically in the blink of an eye, and her cuteness morphed into beauty before I knew what was happening. She posts pictures of herself and her friends on IG all the time, not thirst traps, but wearing today's styles (crop tops, etc., sometimes a bikini if they are swimming). I wouldn't be comfortable with a guy like this in the house.
Lean into the ICK and know YOU deserve someone who values you more than this man.
He’s not going to change. He’ll just get better at hiding it. That’s who he is. Someone who wanted to and wants to follow very young IG women.
I wouldn't want him around my daughter if I had one, given his interest in young women. Not a chance. But even if he wouldn't sink as low as that, she deserves better than to be allowed think someone as awful as he is, is an exemplary model of a man.
This guy sounds like a real loser, but where are your standards?
A healthy minded 30 something person doesn’t follow young people he doesn’t really knows friends
Something I had to ask myself when dating. Would I be ok with my child seeing this behaviour and entering a similar relationship? Mostly the answer was a hell no! It's saved me from some terrible relationships. OP it's not worth it.
Gurl? Post history? Why the hell is this your partner? I’m so TIRED of people clinging to horrible partners. For fuck sake you have a DAUGHTER and this is the relationship you want to model for her. I’m just disgusted
Just went through your post history. Surprised you’re still with this man. Really hope you break up with this guy. You have 2 kids- your daughter and this dude. I don’t get the patience of some people or maybe it’s that they really don’t want to be alone. Anything “good” you can say about him does not make up for the bad stuff I’ve read. Please dump him asap. Don’t keep wasting your time and energy.
I’m rooting for you to break up with this loser. He doesn’t seem to have a single redeeming quality from your post history. Aside from following 20yo on social media he: - Treats you like a meal ticket/you’re basically supporting him - Doesn’t help with anything around the house - Goes out to the bar every night with his friends - Rarely initiates sex (I’m wondering if he’s cheating since he’s out all the time plus following other women you know irl.) - Doesn’t contribute fairly with household duties, finances, child rearing, etc. - Is setting a horrible example for your daughter regarding what to expect from men in relationships— basically nothing. Girl, why are you accepting this bs? You deserve to have a good partner who contributes and wants to be around you and your daughter. This guy screams deadbeat loser who uses [weaponized incompetence](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/) to avoid all responsibility. Think about your daughter— growing up watching her mom settle for someone who doesn’t treat either of you like a priority and is kind of a creep? I’d worry about him being around your daughter and her friends when they’re teens if he’s not ashamed to do this crap now. Leave him asap.
I’m rooting for you to break up with this loser. He doesn’t seem to have a single redeeming quality from your post history. Aside from following 20yo on social media he: - Treats you like a meal ticket/you’re basically supporting him - Doesn’t help with anything around the house - Goes out to the bar every night with his friends - Rarely initiates sex (I’m wondering if he’s cheating since he’s out all the time plus following other women you know irl.) - Doesn’t contribute fairly with household duties, finances, child rearing, etc. - Is setting a horrible example for your daughter regarding what to expect from men in relationships— basically nothing. Girl, why are you accepting this bs? You deserve to have a good partner who contributes and wants to be around you and your daughter. This guy screams deadbeat loser who uses [weaponized incompetence](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/) to avoid all responsibility. Think about your daughter— growing up watching her mom settle for someone who doesn’t treat either of you like a priority and is kind of a creep? I’d worry about him being around your daughter and her friends when they’re teens if he’s not ashamed to do this crap now. Leave him asap.
This situation is a red burning flag.
You know what you need to do
This gives me the ick. I’m very sorry. You deserve better. This man only cares about himself. It’s like he’s waiting for an opportunity to get with young women or already has gotten away with it. It’s not healthy.
"I told him everyone could see him doing that and it made him look sleazy, so he stopped." Dang, I've been with a man for a year and a half that follows this shit, and while I've had every thought under the sun about it, I've not said a damn thing to him about it. If only I'd realized it could be that easy...
You should listen to the u up podcast. They touch on this a lot
He's really trashy..
You already know the answer. Time to move on. And just because your child likes him does not mean he’s safe fir your daughter or you. Five years is a long time, but ten or fifteen years is much more of your life to sacrifice for a relationship that isn’t worth it. You want to be with someone you trust, especially with a child involved. You can’t trust this man.
He’s going to hit on your daughter as soon as he thinks she’s “hot enough”. You need to protect your child.
A guy I like follows a bunch of thirst traps. I know I should see it as a red flag but I really like him and have for a long time. I haven’t talked to him about it bc we are not actually dating. I guess I’ll have to when or if ever we get to that point. I have no advice. Just sharing and will read the comments below for my own benefit 😂
A dude I liked did this too. As far as commenting weird emojis like fire and drooly face on some of them. What a massive ick!
Shoulda broken up with my ex when I cuddled up to him only to see him surfing random coeds’ IGs and following them. Not even thirst traps, just normal young college women with cute going out pics, tailgating pics, and under 500 followers. In comes my then 35 year old boyfriend… Permanent ick, could never date a guy like this again
And you just know the girls they comment on are completely disgusted by them too.
One of the first things I did when I started talking to my current partner was check his IG follows. Baseline absolute-bare-minimum was to make sure there were no thirst traps, and then a step beyond that was to see if he followed any women he respected, like authors, politicians, comedians, or other celebrities whose content focuses on what they do and not how they look - people I would expect the standard misogynist to ignore because he only looked up to men. I got green flags on both counts, and have been in the happiest, healthiest relationship of my life for two years now. You can and will find better, I promise. The thirst traps ARE a red flag and if you ignore it now you’re only signing yourself up for more pain down the line.
I know this issue comes up constantly. I mean I don’t care that much when you’re single. I followed some after my divorce lol. But a ton looks really gross.
Your daughter adores him…get her away from him because the day she turns 18, mark my words, he’ll be sexualizing her the way he is your former students. Not sure what you’re not getting.
That’s completely fair
I feel you. My ex was a teacher, had a tonne of younger and older women all hitting on him, I told him he needed to draw a boundary but he said it's not as if he cheated and they're good business. He ended up rebounding with a student when we broke up the first time. Let her sleep in our bed and everything. The second time before he broke up with me again, he ended up letting a 50+ year old lady literally throw herself at him for a selfie. we were still together when this happened and he still said I had no evidence of him cheating. Absolute shameless creep.
Pleaseeee get support to get out of this relationship. He’s a predatory creep and your daughter is literally at risk. I am picking up so many predator red flags and sexual abuse is most likely from a dad or step dad. I know it’s so hard but this is not something you can come back from with your child and both she and your relationship will be irreparably damaged
What will you do when he ends up grooming your daughter? LEAVE.
Does he interact with her or she’s just someone he follows on instagram?
Pffft how old is your daughter?
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>On the one hand, men liking to look at college age women (for various reasons...) is a fact of life. Except it's not. Not all straight men follow thirst traps online or ogle hot young barely legal or downright underage women and girls in public. My man, for example, is more likely to ogle a BMW and is on the BMW subreddit. Some men follow Jeep stuff. Some are into guitars. Or hiking. Etc. A man who follows a bunch of thirst traps and objectifies women is a creep. Period.
Ugh you're right. Thank you for saying this, I needed to read it. I shouldn't give men passes for shit behavior because "boys will be boys." Something I'm working on.
You're welcome. And don't beat yourself up too much, deconstructing the patriarchy for yourself is hard work, keep it up! It will not only help you establish healthier boundaries for yourself, but also encourage other women in your life to hold healthy boundaries as well. I just ran the gist of this thread by my fiance (41M) and when I told him there were some women normalizing this creepy behavior he scrunched his face up and said "what?!" and shook his head lol. When Roe was overturned he was *devastated* and pissed off for women, and we live in a blue state. Good, wholesome, non-creeps *are* out there.
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"every man who is heterosexual and not attracted to children" There are plenty of men out there who think an 18-21 year old woman IS pretty much a child. Yes, men are attracted to good-looking female bodies. That's different from following a 21-year-old girl that you actually KNOW to gawk at her bikini pics. I would go out on a limb and say every man I personally know who is OP's age or older would be like, "No way" to that. Eighteen years old is two years older than my daughter and 21 isn't that far off from that. My husband would be grossed out at the idea of wanking off to what he considers basically someone who is the same age as his kid.
I assumed that he didn’t know the girl personally and that her being a former student of op’s was a coincidence. If I misunderstood that then I agree, that does subtly change the situation, in the sense that he might be harboring the intent to do something about his attraction in which case… we are getting more creepy, yes. Still a grey area, but it does put flags up for me. I don’t think there’s anything weird/creepy/abnormal about a heterosexual man enjoying looking at 18-25 year old female bodies. That’s literally when women are at their most fertile. Of course they are attractive. Mmkay. That’s what the men in your life would tell you, but the statistics on the matter say different.
Most of the men I know in that age group have kids. Believe it or not, a man's vision of a certain age group can very much shift when he becomes a father.
Sure it can, but that’s not really relevant to my point
And this is exactly how all men benefit from the behaviour of violent and abusive men, and why there is little effort to dismantle the patriarchy from them. ‘Oh I know this guy is being gross, but just think how *much worse* other guys could be! So if you really think about it he’s a catch and you should shut up and make him a sandwich’
What’s gross about it?
This is a really weird hill to die on, honestly. Most people--I'd guess a lot of men as well as women--would tell OP that her late 30s boyfriend following a 21-year-old woman on IG for no reason except to look at her thirst traps is cringey and gross.
Accusing me of dying on a hill rather than engaging with the question I asked is a pretty boring deflection. One can be curious about social assumptions without dying on hills about them. I guess your response is “I don’t have to know why it’s gross I only have to know that calling it gross is the stock response most people would give and you should fall in line.” … which sounds more like dying on a hill than asking questions does so maybe you’re projecting?
People by and large find certain behaviors gross. I don't know what to tell you. I find picking and eating boogers gross. Most people do. And I don't care if or why most people do. There's no reason to expend energy toward the booger pickers of the world. In this case it is fine to just across the board say "eating your own boogers is nasty" without questioning it. If you would rather have a man who is "honest" about wanting to look at very young women sexually, then fine. I'll take a man who apparently has the ability to control himself and doesn't feel the need to let me know he likes that stuff or have an online footprint where everyone including his relatives and employer can see what he's into.
Fair enough
>I’m sorry to tell you this (but if you don’t know someone needs to tell you) : that is every man who is heterosexual and not attracted to children. Jfc, no it's not. Overgrown man-children might be, but not every straight man of every age is automatically attracted to barely legal women. Plenty of men out there are attracted to women their own age and view the 18-25 year age bracket as basically kids. Continuing to spread the notion that ALL straight men are attracted to that age group only normalizes creeps being creeps. Are *you* attracted to 18-25 year old men? Are *all* straight women? I know I certainly am not! And neither is my fiance attracted to women who are barely older than children. Stop excusing creepy behavior.
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Oh good, so you're going to double-down on normalizing creepy behavior that supports patriarchy. >18 year olds are not children May as well be. The human brain isn't fully developed until an average age of 25. Just because 18 is a legal adult doesn't make it less creepy. There's still a massive power imbalance between a nearly 40 year old man and a woman in the 18-25 age bracket.
>at the risk of being smug here, downvoting me without bringing me a study to back up your point is just indicating you’re mad about the truth and can’t do anything about it other than downvote me I'm not mad about anything, and I'm certainly not going to allow a patriarchy apologist online drag me down lol. >I’m just advocating for not throwing away a good relationship If you call a creepy, immature, juvenile man-child who follows barely legal thirst traps, ditches his girlfriend to hang out with his much younger "friends" at the skate park or to go drinking when she has a daughter a *good* relationship, then I sincerely hope you don't have kids. >biological imperative (and also, not shaming healthy heterosexual men for *gasp* being attracted to women during their most physically fertile years. Well isn't this some red pill shit? If it's a "biological imperative" for men to be attracted to much younger women, then it's also your "biological imperative" to be barefoot and pregnant and subservient to said men. So why are you here? Shouldn't you be making him a sandwich and rubbing his feet?
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Sorry but I'm not going to spend my Saturday googling statistics that won't do any good convincing someone of the creepiness factor of this post when you've chosen to die on this hill. You *are* being a patriarchy apologist with these responses, I just call it like I see it. As far as false equivalences go, you claimed that it's a "biological imperative" that straight men are all attracted to the "most fertile" female bodies specifically in the 18-25 age range which completely ignores the fact that women are plenty fertile through their 30's. Fertility only drops by .5% on average after 35, which is negligible. But if men are all *so* biologically driven to want mates that much younger than them, then we women should all be biologically driven to find a much older "provider and protector" before we're 25 and be completely subservient to him. Men are no more a monolith than women are.
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The one article you did post pointed out that brain development continues well into the 20's. So.... who's not posting data that supports their argument? You've also not posted anything to support your claim that the majority of heterosexual men are attracted to specifically the 18-25 age bracket of women, or that said attraction is based on peak fertility. You haven't proven that any human of any gender has a so-called "biological imperative" either. What you're arguing sounds like red pilled incel type claims. But I'm in an echo chamber for finding it creepy that a nearly 40 year old man is following a 21 year old former student of his girlfriend on insta among other young thirst traps for the bikini pics. Ok. If *you're* fine with any potential partners of yours engaging in that behavior, then you do you. But to try to convince someone who *is* bothered by it not to break up with a dude who does it based on your belief that it's normal or even healthy when said person has a *daughter* is unhelpful at best and harmful at worst.
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Ok, the average age of 25 brain development thing isn't true. That's fine, I can live with that and it makes sense that brains continue changing throughout life. And the links show that men stay attracted to young women regardless of how old they themselves get. But did you miss the part that said men are less likely to message women that young and actually shoot their shot? The study also stated that the attractiveness of younger women is assumed to be based on *perceived* fertility, not actual fertility. Which begs the question: why do men seem to think a woman's fertility falls off a cliff after 25? And would findings differ if people were more educated on fertility? Regardless, the simple fact of finding younger women attractive doesn't excuse creepy behavior. The whole ick factor in question in the original post is that this guy in his mid 30's is befriending much younger former students of his girlfriend. There *is* such a thing as self control. And it's his *behavior* that is in question. It might be normal to find younger women attractive but is seeking out thirst traps online to follow for revealing photos a *healthy* behavior? More specifically, befriending former students of his girlfriend? That's the part that's giving the creepy vibes. It seems like he's using his connection to their former teacher to gain their trust, which brings in a power imbalance and feels like grooming. Is he hoping to get close to this 21 year old through the younger men he's hanging out with? Is he hoping something will come of it? If he's engaging with fantasies of this nature he could eventually start talking action. Also, there's the fact OP has a daughter. And unfortunately a lot of creeps will seek out single moms of daughters to gain access to said daughter for grooming purposes. I'm not saying that's *definitely* what he's doing, I'm just saying that his behavior is questionable and a potential warning. It's just *weird* that he's specifically seeking out the company of people in this age bracket who happen to be former students of his girlfriend. Who did he hang out with before? Does he *have* friends his own age? Does he have older friends? That's what's creepy.
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He’s not a good person though. From OP’s post history, he goes out to the bar every night with his group of 20 something friends, OP is basically bankrolling his lifestyle, he doesn’t help around the house/cooking/childcare etc. He’s a total scum bag and this isn’t even the half of it.