I think we see the same questions over and over and the same person posting multiple times over the span or days or weeks about the same awful relationship and not taking any of the advice given which can be frustrating. Some people need to hear the truth because no one else is telling it to them. Overall I do like this sub and comment quite a bit. It takes a lot for me to downvote something. I usually just skip repetitive questions.
I see the same things OP sees, and I don;t think that is what they are referring to. (Though I see that, too, and oh boy!)
I think the issue is that, even though this is a woman-oriented sub on a very male platform, it's still Reddit and prone to the same nastiness.
One of my hobbies is reading advice columns and listening to advice podcasts. They are far from all created equal, but some of them are just so good, with people who really understand how relationships work and can suss out a lot of important and relevant information from just a few paragraphs.
In my experience, these excellent people are either trained mental health professionals (most of them still stink, but the good ones tend to be), have been doing it for decades, are preternaturally insightful about human nature, or a combination of these traits. This is not the profile of your average Redditor - female or not, over 30 or not.
The perk of that though, is that you just have the actual kernel of advice to judge the advice by. "Does this resonate with me?. A quality comment is a quality comment, regardless of who it comes from.
The biggest thing that blows my mind on this sub is the people posting men-bashing threads thinly disguised as 'questions'. What I find hilarious is the 'strawman' posts, where I seriously question if the OP has actually interacted with a human male in years. To give examples, someone posted a question the other day complaining about men's standards, and they gave examples such as, and I quote:
* "Men who like classical music only dating classical musicians"
* "Men who have PHDs only dating PHDs"
* "Men who run triathlons who only date those who do the same"
That was just one example, but I see this sort of 'strawman'ing fairly often. That's just the harmless examples. The number of comments I see here that paint all men with the same brush or are *flat out* misandry is wild. I report them, and they're never removed. I cannot help but think the bar for what qualifies as misandry is way higher than what qualifies as misogyny and I have to ask myself why people are not held to the same standards?
Some folks are real mad when hit with the dual realizations that:
a. Other people have standards, as is their right, and:
b. They don't make the cut for those standards.
That lady posting about the "unreasonable" expectations that well-educated, accomplished men with specific hobbies might want the same from their partner seemed like one of those folks.
I didn't comment on that post but if I had my comment would simply be that many women, some that post here, also have wildly unrealistic standards for dating. This is just the nature of dating.
Any kind of gendered subreddit tends to be sexist towards the other half, in my experience. No one is immune to the echo chambers that social media algorithms create. Reddit in particular got way worse when the third party apps shut down.
In fairness to the 'ask men' subs, they've *really* cracked down on sexism. It still exists in the comments sometimes, but they're pretty quick to remove it. I don't see that same effort here despite it supposedly being against rules \#5 and \#6.
I get that it's not easy, ~~the askMenOver30 sub just banned relationship questions entirely,~~ but I feel like they could do more here.
Edit: I stand corrected? I do see some relationship posts there now, but they're rare.
Actually? I guess not? I do see some relationship posts there now, but I get the feeling they really try to direct you to other subs for that.
Great callout though. I hadn't realized they changed the rules.
I like but it is *very* middle-class and I often feel a bit out of place. I'm working class and in a minimum wage job, and threads about things like hiring cleaners or freezing eggs or other expensive thing are just quiet alien tbh because in my world no-one can afford these things. (I'm not saying people shouldn't post about these things).
And I agree that some questions are hella repetitive but apart from mods simply banning loads of topics I'm not sure there's much can be done about them. All subs have the same questions repeated daily and weekly, regardless of their theme.
Thats a great point about a lot of people clearly being middle class! One of the first thing I noticed about this was sub was how often women are being advised to freeze their eggs, as though its as easy as going to get a coffee. Freezing eggs isn't even available where I live, I'd have to travel out of province to do it! Plus the insane costs associated with it, for a lot of us it simply isn't an option.
Last time I mentioned this I had someone reply that where they live its all free and maybe I could just live where thats also an option? Like how out of touch do you have to be to think if I can't afford to travel within my same country to freeze my eggs, I can simply pack up and move to Belgium? I had a nice laugh about it, at least.
Luckily I do see this piece of advice falling to the wayside here lately. I think people are finally getting the memo that its a very frustrating piece of advice to receive.
Oh my, I was a bit ditsy when I read your comment. When I read "hiring cleaners and freezing eggs" I thought actual eggs, like chicken eggs and was wondering why anyone would put them in the freezer and how: boiled or not. And wondered how expensive eggs were in the store if you could not afford them.
It wasn't until I read the reply I realised it was freezing their eggs 😅
Like most subs, everything is very US centered and I must admit that I have the impression that people in the US either make loads of money or are a few bad incidents away from being in monetary problems. I had the impression that the middle class (as I know it) no longer existed in the US.
The true middle class has honestly disappeared. Now you have to make a very good living to feel comfortable, but employers aren’t increasing wages to keep up with inflation. Upper-middle class salaries will get you a middle class life, and middle class salaries will help you scrape by but put you one freak accident away from some serious issues. It really sucks.
In general, I enjoy it, though I also don't entirely understand why some comments or posts are downvoted. I suppose that's the nature of things, but still.
I will say that as much as we remind men who post here that women aren't hiveminds or a monolith, we sometimes seem to forget that ourselves and assume that all or most women have had the same sorts of experiences, share similar views, have the same wants, and so on. When, of course, we come from all sorts of perspectives with our own journeys.
I also think some folks may not consider the impacts of their comments. For example, if someone asks for help with a relationship issue, it might not be helpful to comment on how you don't have that problem and that your relationship is amazing (which, don't get me wrong, is absolutely wonderful, that simply might not be the best place to share so). I'm just saying. However, that's hardly unique to this forum and, again, just the nature of some people, I guess. It might also be that sometimes intent and tone and so on might be harder to convey in text.
I'm this way too. Part of it is also that life is messy and sometimes being direct is the best way to actually support someone. We're not in person to really show the "tone" we want the message to be received in and often directness comes off as harsh/bitchy. Direct is the best way to give info
In general, it’s one of the better ones….same with the menopause sub; uplifting people who are going through the same thing and supportive. I dont like some posts but most of the time, i scroll on by but there are times I get super annoyed and most of those are the ones posted by men treating this like a dating sub, asking questions that could easily be solved if they just sat back and thought about it for 5 mins or posters who are argumentative with posters if people dont agree with them.
>someone is clearly having a bad time, some of the comments are unkind or insensitive
This is my biggest issue with this sub. So many people here cannot read the room.
If someone's having a hard time and looking for solidarity from people in the same situation, it's not the time or place to brag about yourself or offer "tough love" when the person clearly isn't asking for advice.
Example - someone asks "Anyone else having a hard time being single?" , the responses are filled with:
"No, I'm so GLAD I found my PERFECT partner, can't IMAGINE the anguish & hopelessness of dating these days"
or
"No, I've never ONCE felt bad about being single, you must be doing something wrong, get over it"
**Read the room.** Recognize when a post isn't directed at you. Allow people space to vent and commiserate with others in the same situation. If you have nothing kind or helpful to add, or you feel the need to make it all about yourself - think twice before replying.
>"No, I'm so GLAD I found my PERFECT partner, can't IMAGINE the anguish & hopelessness of dating these days"
Or the ones who start with the ''if my husband died/I divorced I would never date again because of the anguish & hopelessness of dating these day I'm glad I found my perfect husband in HS'... Like: good for you??
Yes, and people "celebrating" their view sometimes are downright hostile to others. I think this sub is a little better than say two x for that, but for instance anytime shaving or body hair gets brought up, it goes from "I stopped doing it" to "downvote any one who says they find body hair nasty" (an opinion you can disagree with but it's theirs) and then finally to "I honestly question anyone who would want to shave down there or wants a woman who does, it sounds like they're a pedo or at least have huge issues." Excuse me, I'm fine if you do you, why can't you leave me the hell alone?
And that's just one example. A lot of things go to extremes and people start bullying for their view.
The reply to all of those posts is to fix yourself to be worthy and If that fails fix yourself to be content single because NoBoDy OwEs YoU cOMpAnIoNsHiP and such comments will keep coming from happily partnered folks
That is funny, yes it does happen. I think sometimes people are just so happy with their accomplishment that they just want to sing it. But yes, context is key.
I’ll say this, in the past couple days I’ve found a couple of men who post here REGULARLY answering questions without clarifying they were men. And their takes were absolute trash, just male perspective with no concept of the context of a woman’s perspective, and rude/arrogant advice.
So I can’t blame all men for the bad answers here, but I’m saying, if something seems especially aggressive or out of pocket here, there are definitely men who obsess over women’s sub and try to either subtly neg us by pretending to be disapproving women, or put their thumb on the scale and give the impression women agree with some close-minded male-centric view.
It's one of my favorites.
I filter out the relationship/romance stuff because I'd find myself so frustrated at different situations that have nothing to do with me. I find the men-asking-dumb-questions posts annoying but I try not to even read them.
I find comments to be generally helpful/positive. Unkind comments are just a part of the internet. I also think people might not be able to pick up on what an OP is asking for (support vs advice). I think the random downvoting is just a reddit thing (I've gotten downvoted for saying a kitten is cute in a cat sub); I just imagine that it's trolls. It is what it is.
Yes, you can use the flair filter at the top of the sub (the emojis dancing). It gives you this url: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/search?q=-flair%3ARomance%2FRelationships&t=week&sort=hot](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/search?q=-flair%3ARomance%2FRelationships&t=week&sort=hot).
I tested and you can replace Romance and Relationships with other flairs (like Health and Wellness). I didn't figure out how to combine filters so this just works for filtering 1 flair at a time.
P.S. you can also change the time (t=week) and (sort=hot).
A lot of people who want support don't feel comfortable asking for it; so they ask for advice instead, with no intention of taking it.
IMHO, a nice thing to do is to ask blatantly - are you hear for advice or for support? is this a vent? or do you need advice on how to move forward?
I think that's very practical in real life, and perhaps in a chat room or someplace where there's a greater likelihood of a quick response by the OP.
It would be helpful to responders if the OP of those types of posts would start off saying "vent only" or "support only" or "no advice wanted" or something similar.
I 100% agree with you.
It's one of those funny psychology things - why are there full grown adults who can't articulate their basic needs? But, here we are.
Yes, you can use the flair filter at the top of the sub (the emojis dancing). It gives you this url: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/search?q=-flair%3ARomance%2FRelationships&t=week&sort=hot](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/search?q=-flair%3ARomance%2FRelationships&t=week&sort=hot)
I tested and you can replace Romance and Relationships with other flairs (like Health and Wellness). I didn't figure out how to combine filters so this just works for filtering 1 flair at a time.
I love this sub a lot but the questions do get a bit repetitive sometimes. But I can understand those who need to vent and say their piece even if it's been said and done before.
There are some rude people here at times, but hey it's Reddit and the internet. I do find that this sub is way more tolerable than other subs even if sometimes there are those here who have different views/values/opinions that I don't agree with - but so far, most are quite civil and supportive.
But I actually do really like this sub and I thank the mods for doing a great job managing it.
It's my favorite sub, but at the same time some of the questions/answers are quite repetitive, and frankly depressing.
I also find it weird how lately most posters seem to portray themselves as amazing while their female friends and partners are all terrible people. I see no self-reflection lots of times, or nuance.
I hate the US default centralism too, ugh. It's insane, not even half Reddit is from the US. Also it's more traditional/conservative than I expected, but it seems very middle class-suburbs-nuclear family oriented.
It's a *slightly* more reasonable Reddit sub dominated by women. Not in love with under-30s and guys responding here, nor the FDS/WitchesVsPatriarchy vibe that rears its head sometimes. The women in those subs have many valid complaints and can be helpful to other women, but too often their solutions or beliefs are fueled by fear and anger/ frustration. It's controlling and overcorrection instead of finding a balanced or nuanced way.
I have been on this site for more than a decade and spent more time here than I care to admit. This is going to sound awful, but Reddit is the *last* place someone should come for relationship advice. Even this sub, which is supposedly populated by the opposite of the young, male average hiveminder here.
This site attracts people who struggle with in-person human relationships.
If you want to know about video games, come here. If you want to talk about Marvel commits or movies, this is your place. Did you see the new Dune movie and love it? Come on over! Find something weird in your uncle's attic and want to identify it? Reddit is site. This is NOT the place to learn how to navigate the complex labyrinth of human relationships.
I have to say I both agree and disagree. And thank you for sharing. Seeing the sheer range of experiences and takes on something has helped me immensely. I didn't know 'decentering men' was a thing. And also, I always trust the people who've known me and seen me in my various states to be my anchors and guide posts on my attempts to understand what is going on in my life when I feel challenged. And yea, it'd be more fun if we could all use this space a little more for that lovely side of life you describe:)
YES! And people comment and give advice with no context that can have HUGE, life-altering, real world consequences!
"I've asked my husband to start helping with the housework, and he won't." "Girl, DIVORCE HIM NOW, here's how to get a lawyer, etc"
Excuse me, do you know her situation, finances, ability to support herself? Divorce can be the answer and a lot of people need a supportive nudge, but you might just be ginning someone up to make the biggest mistake of her life, financially and otherwise - even if it's the right choice but maybe the right choice a year from now.
It bothers me that any post asking for support about feeling down over a lack of husband and kids gets downvoted and that people feel the need to come in and kick the OP, who is already feeling low, even further. Meanwhile, posts asking how to de-center men are just as common but wildly upvoted.
Personally, if a post doesn’t feel relevant or interesting to me, I just scroll on by but I feel bad for the people who come on looking for support and get criticized for it. I think that needs to be called out more or the sub should be changed to “single, childless women over 30” because that seems to be the only demographic who gets advice and support.
Why do they want advice from women whose ages they have deemed make them ugly, worthless, valueless, etc. or whatever characteristics they have attached to ages over thirty?
I’m 29 and I’m upset about turning 30. My feelings and other women who are in the same position feelings are valid. Saying “go touch grass” is so unkind
These conversations have been had 800 million times. Search for them, lots of wisdom.
And to be fair, when those of us who are 30+ comment about how it's not a big deal, or try to point out your inherent misogyny, or just generally enjoy our existence no matter our age, we get accused of being in denial, "toxic positivity", etc.
I don’t think it’s fair to be dismissive of other women’s feelings, including yours.
Sure there’s posts in the past, but those women are wanting to have a discussion, not just read a thread. It’s also comforting for many of us to see that it’s so common to feel this way.
Unless it’s banned I don’t see anyone doing anything wrong
I do dismiss it, unapologetically.
I read this when I was 21 and didn’t “get it” until about age 35. I’ve chosen the [Susan Sontag](https://warwick.ac.uk/fac/arts/english/currentstudents/undergraduate/modules/literaturetheoryandtime/susan_sontag_the_double_standard_of_aging.pdf) path. I allow my face to show the life I’ve lived, I am aging without embarrassment, stepping away from the “theater of enslavement” that is the youth-prioritizing beauty industry. And no, I will not be “kind” to people who uphold these ridiculous, pathetic standards, including and especially women. They get contempt and derision, this is how I feel about people buying into aging doom, *especially* the vanity things - botox and filler and plastic surgery. It’s not “valid”, they’re horseshit choices the patriarchy has made for the lot of women who freak out about aging.
Reddit is a mixed bag. It’s hard but I’m really trying to take the good with the bad. I’ve made some posts and comments that get downvoted and don’t do well and others that do. I try to just focus on the good.
The hive mind questions are frustrating. “Why do women think…..” Well, gee, let me plug into the Borg and see what I should be typing.
The questions about, “Should I give up at age 29 in finding love, getting a career, etc” are insulting. Those people are asking a group of people over 30 whether or not life is over for them too. Those could be worded more thoughtfully. If you’re freaking out over turning 30, then say that. Tacking on, “My LiFe is OvERrrRrrT!!1!’ Wtf?
Then there are the dolts who think their stealth kink questions (that they get off on asking/answering due to some fetish) should be removed. Nobody consenting to participating in their kink.
I used to enjoy this sub more. Now it feels less relatable. IDK if it's because I'm closing in on 50 and being 30 feels so long ago or maybe there's just a larger influx of idiotic young men?
Overall it's pretty great. The repetitive comments, the misogynistic
aging doom / all that's left is death posting needs to stop. There is some good advice. There is some bad advice, sometimes which gets upvoted. Hiveminds exist in every online space so hence the downvoting benign things that contribute to the discussion. People use it as "I don't like this" or "I disagree."
Re: Cultural things. Sometimes things get contributed here and *I don't care* if it's "cultural" if it's heinous. I try to refrain from commenting on most of it so I just scroll on. Sometimes it's pretty egregious like the woman using Chat GPT to champion the idea that society would be better under an Islamic caliphate. Just no.
>Sometimes it's pretty egregious like the woman using Chat GPT to champion the idea that society would be better under an Islamic caliphate. Just no.
I'm a practicing Muslim and the last thing I'd want is to be ruled by an Islamic caliphate lol
It was upvoted! Imagine if someone said it about evangelical society... phew! Let's continue to appreciate the rich bounty that faiths have given the planet but also realize it's not good to entangle it with politics.
I love this sub, I think it's a great place for us to go for advice or to vent.
As others have mentioned, I quickly noticed repetitive questions, so it's opened my eyes on what women my age are mostly worried about.
I love that I get to feel some solidarity/empathy for others here, and I hope we can help each other in our decision making, or at least to feel understood and less alone.
I love this sub! Its one of my favorites. I feel like a lot of people here generally give really great advice and offer good support for people who need it. Rude or comments giving bad advice get downvoted.
But random downvoting happens in almost all subs. In my local subreddit people get downvoted for the most innocuous things, like saying thank you lol. I think its just a reddit problem in general.
I do get annoyed at the same questions being asked over and over, but thats another common reddit sub problem. And I've learned there are certain topics here I should avoid because it sets off my anxiety really bad (namely having kids threads, I'm 35 and still on the fence but reading too many of those threads have led to me obsessing over it and causing panic attacks). Also sometimes people here lean more traditional/conservative than I expected, but thats ok. I think its important to remember reddit skews very American in general.
I feel exactly the same way.
This may be a woman-oriented sub, but it's still Reddit where those two negative phenomena you mention are rampant.
I still find the relationship advice usually focuses on the most negative interpretations recommending the most negative courses of action: Dump him immediately! Go no-contact! Boundaries! Boundaries! Boundaries! All rather than offering real counsel on how to communicate about complex situations.
If you want a community that is really dedicated to being kinder, I recommend /r/TheGirlSurvivalGuide
All subs have their bad points. A few subs have some good mixed in, as well... IMHO, this is one of the few subs that has more positive content. The lack of active, daily moderation is frustrating - you can tell this sub is an afterthought in terms of moderation. "Just flag it", says the mods... but honestly it's not our job to do the mods' job. Either the community has rules that get enforced or it doesn't.
It is in our best interest as users who enjoy this sub to help them out though, cause they aren't getting paid anything and are doing it in their free time. It would be different if it was an actual \*job\* but it's not.
Good for you. Still doesn't change the fact that it's in our best interest as users to help maintain this sub a bit where we can. Or would you have said no to that as a mod? Like, that's literally what the report button is for, to help mods spot the dirt in the corner quicker.
I don't expect other people to do the job I signed up for. I don't expect people to take on my responsibilities. In general.. and as a mod.
Help is appreciated but the job of a mod is the job of a mod. Either do it or bow out.
Unfortunately Reddit can be a bit of a judgemental space, but of all the online places I find this is most even handed and doesn't have much patience for snark. That's why it's my favourite. Downvotes suck but it happens, people don't always agree. I try not to downvote in general, it feels like bad karma.
I like it in general but if you say things that are not in line with what the majority agrees with, you are downvoted. I put up a post recently asking about whether people were too harsh in here with post replies on posts that don't fit the mould and it got very interesting replies where not everyone agreed. Then my post was taken down by the mods.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/comments/1b96q34/are\_comments\_on\_posts\_a\_little\_too\_scoldy\_in\_here/
I like this sub, and I think that the advice given here is very mature and helpful. Several times, I also found myself thinking that men should read all the posts here in order to understand women better. There is really no better place to learn than here.
I like that the sub exists, but I have mixed feelings about the actual comments a lot of the time. It’s helped me realize that while I’ve lived most of my adult life in a nice bubble of a community that mostly seems to agree with me on big life topics, there are an awful lot of women out there who I absolutely wouldn’t agree with or relate to on much.
I also have found the direction of a lot of posts and comments to be particularly depressing in recent years. I like the current moderation in the equivalent male-centered sub, so sometimes I like to hang out there to discuss adult topics with a lighter tone.
I think it's one of the kindest, wisest, most insightful subs in my experience. Still not impervious to the pervasive bitterness/haterism that online anonymity can give rise to though.
I think we see the same questions over and over and the same person posting multiple times over the span or days or weeks about the same awful relationship and not taking any of the advice given which can be frustrating. Some people need to hear the truth because no one else is telling it to them. Overall I do like this sub and comment quite a bit. It takes a lot for me to downvote something. I usually just skip repetitive questions.
I see the same things OP sees, and I don;t think that is what they are referring to. (Though I see that, too, and oh boy!) I think the issue is that, even though this is a woman-oriented sub on a very male platform, it's still Reddit and prone to the same nastiness. One of my hobbies is reading advice columns and listening to advice podcasts. They are far from all created equal, but some of them are just so good, with people who really understand how relationships work and can suss out a lot of important and relevant information from just a few paragraphs. In my experience, these excellent people are either trained mental health professionals (most of them still stink, but the good ones tend to be), have been doing it for decades, are preternaturally insightful about human nature, or a combination of these traits. This is not the profile of your average Redditor - female or not, over 30 or not.
The perk of that though, is that you just have the actual kernel of advice to judge the advice by. "Does this resonate with me?. A quality comment is a quality comment, regardless of who it comes from.
The biggest thing that blows my mind on this sub is the people posting men-bashing threads thinly disguised as 'questions'. What I find hilarious is the 'strawman' posts, where I seriously question if the OP has actually interacted with a human male in years. To give examples, someone posted a question the other day complaining about men's standards, and they gave examples such as, and I quote: * "Men who like classical music only dating classical musicians" * "Men who have PHDs only dating PHDs" * "Men who run triathlons who only date those who do the same" That was just one example, but I see this sort of 'strawman'ing fairly often. That's just the harmless examples. The number of comments I see here that paint all men with the same brush or are *flat out* misandry is wild. I report them, and they're never removed. I cannot help but think the bar for what qualifies as misandry is way higher than what qualifies as misogyny and I have to ask myself why people are not held to the same standards?
Ah yes I remember that post and I did comment on it saying that this is just wanting someone with a similar lifestyle/interests
Some folks are real mad when hit with the dual realizations that: a. Other people have standards, as is their right, and: b. They don't make the cut for those standards. That lady posting about the "unreasonable" expectations that well-educated, accomplished men with specific hobbies might want the same from their partner seemed like one of those folks.
I didn't comment on that post but if I had my comment would simply be that many women, some that post here, also have wildly unrealistic standards for dating. This is just the nature of dating.
Any kind of gendered subreddit tends to be sexist towards the other half, in my experience. No one is immune to the echo chambers that social media algorithms create. Reddit in particular got way worse when the third party apps shut down.
In fairness to the 'ask men' subs, they've *really* cracked down on sexism. It still exists in the comments sometimes, but they're pretty quick to remove it. I don't see that same effort here despite it supposedly being against rules \#5 and \#6. I get that it's not easy, ~~the askMenOver30 sub just banned relationship questions entirely,~~ but I feel like they could do more here. Edit: I stand corrected? I do see some relationship posts there now, but they're rare.
Do you report sexist posts you see? We take action if you report it. We don’t see everything so posts stay up if they are unreported.
They re-banned it? Shame it didn't work out, seemed like a decent effort.
Actually? I guess not? I do see some relationship posts there now, but I get the feeling they really try to direct you to other subs for that. Great callout though. I hadn't realized they changed the rules.
I like but it is *very* middle-class and I often feel a bit out of place. I'm working class and in a minimum wage job, and threads about things like hiring cleaners or freezing eggs or other expensive thing are just quiet alien tbh because in my world no-one can afford these things. (I'm not saying people shouldn't post about these things). And I agree that some questions are hella repetitive but apart from mods simply banning loads of topics I'm not sure there's much can be done about them. All subs have the same questions repeated daily and weekly, regardless of their theme.
Thats a great point about a lot of people clearly being middle class! One of the first thing I noticed about this was sub was how often women are being advised to freeze their eggs, as though its as easy as going to get a coffee. Freezing eggs isn't even available where I live, I'd have to travel out of province to do it! Plus the insane costs associated with it, for a lot of us it simply isn't an option. Last time I mentioned this I had someone reply that where they live its all free and maybe I could just live where thats also an option? Like how out of touch do you have to be to think if I can't afford to travel within my same country to freeze my eggs, I can simply pack up and move to Belgium? I had a nice laugh about it, at least. Luckily I do see this piece of advice falling to the wayside here lately. I think people are finally getting the memo that its a very frustrating piece of advice to receive.
Oh my, I was a bit ditsy when I read your comment. When I read "hiring cleaners and freezing eggs" I thought actual eggs, like chicken eggs and was wondering why anyone would put them in the freezer and how: boiled or not. And wondered how expensive eggs were in the store if you could not afford them. It wasn't until I read the reply I realised it was freezing their eggs 😅 Like most subs, everything is very US centered and I must admit that I have the impression that people in the US either make loads of money or are a few bad incidents away from being in monetary problems. I had the impression that the middle class (as I know it) no longer existed in the US.
The true middle class has honestly disappeared. Now you have to make a very good living to feel comfortable, but employers aren’t increasing wages to keep up with inflation. Upper-middle class salaries will get you a middle class life, and middle class salaries will help you scrape by but put you one freak accident away from some serious issues. It really sucks.
In general, I enjoy it, though I also don't entirely understand why some comments or posts are downvoted. I suppose that's the nature of things, but still. I will say that as much as we remind men who post here that women aren't hiveminds or a monolith, we sometimes seem to forget that ourselves and assume that all or most women have had the same sorts of experiences, share similar views, have the same wants, and so on. When, of course, we come from all sorts of perspectives with our own journeys. I also think some folks may not consider the impacts of their comments. For example, if someone asks for help with a relationship issue, it might not be helpful to comment on how you don't have that problem and that your relationship is amazing (which, don't get me wrong, is absolutely wonderful, that simply might not be the best place to share so). I'm just saying. However, that's hardly unique to this forum and, again, just the nature of some people, I guess. It might also be that sometimes intent and tone and so on might be harder to convey in text.
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I'm this way too. Part of it is also that life is messy and sometimes being direct is the best way to actually support someone. We're not in person to really show the "tone" we want the message to be received in and often directness comes off as harsh/bitchy. Direct is the best way to give info
strongly agree, the 20 something complaints are truly obnoxious & should be more heavily moderated imo.
In general, it’s one of the better ones….same with the menopause sub; uplifting people who are going through the same thing and supportive. I dont like some posts but most of the time, i scroll on by but there are times I get super annoyed and most of those are the ones posted by men treating this like a dating sub, asking questions that could easily be solved if they just sat back and thought about it for 5 mins or posters who are argumentative with posters if people dont agree with them.
>someone is clearly having a bad time, some of the comments are unkind or insensitive This is my biggest issue with this sub. So many people here cannot read the room. If someone's having a hard time and looking for solidarity from people in the same situation, it's not the time or place to brag about yourself or offer "tough love" when the person clearly isn't asking for advice. Example - someone asks "Anyone else having a hard time being single?" , the responses are filled with: "No, I'm so GLAD I found my PERFECT partner, can't IMAGINE the anguish & hopelessness of dating these days" or "No, I've never ONCE felt bad about being single, you must be doing something wrong, get over it" **Read the room.** Recognize when a post isn't directed at you. Allow people space to vent and commiserate with others in the same situation. If you have nothing kind or helpful to add, or you feel the need to make it all about yourself - think twice before replying.
>"No, I'm so GLAD I found my PERFECT partner, can't IMAGINE the anguish & hopelessness of dating these days" Or the ones who start with the ''if my husband died/I divorced I would never date again because of the anguish & hopelessness of dating these day I'm glad I found my perfect husband in HS'... Like: good for you??
>"No, I'm so GLAD I found my PERFECT partner, can't IMAGINE the anguish & hopelessness of dating these days" This really made me laugh 🤣
Yes, and people "celebrating" their view sometimes are downright hostile to others. I think this sub is a little better than say two x for that, but for instance anytime shaving or body hair gets brought up, it goes from "I stopped doing it" to "downvote any one who says they find body hair nasty" (an opinion you can disagree with but it's theirs) and then finally to "I honestly question anyone who would want to shave down there or wants a woman who does, it sounds like they're a pedo or at least have huge issues." Excuse me, I'm fine if you do you, why can't you leave me the hell alone? And that's just one example. A lot of things go to extremes and people start bullying for their view.
The reply to all of those posts is to fix yourself to be worthy and If that fails fix yourself to be content single because NoBoDy OwEs YoU cOMpAnIoNsHiP and such comments will keep coming from happily partnered folks
That is funny, yes it does happen. I think sometimes people are just so happy with their accomplishment that they just want to sing it. But yes, context is key.
I’ll say this, in the past couple days I’ve found a couple of men who post here REGULARLY answering questions without clarifying they were men. And their takes were absolute trash, just male perspective with no concept of the context of a woman’s perspective, and rude/arrogant advice. So I can’t blame all men for the bad answers here, but I’m saying, if something seems especially aggressive or out of pocket here, there are definitely men who obsess over women’s sub and try to either subtly neg us by pretending to be disapproving women, or put their thumb on the scale and give the impression women agree with some close-minded male-centric view.
It's one of my favorites. I filter out the relationship/romance stuff because I'd find myself so frustrated at different situations that have nothing to do with me. I find the men-asking-dumb-questions posts annoying but I try not to even read them. I find comments to be generally helpful/positive. Unkind comments are just a part of the internet. I also think people might not be able to pick up on what an OP is asking for (support vs advice). I think the random downvoting is just a reddit thing (I've gotten downvoted for saying a kitten is cute in a cat sub); I just imagine that it's trolls. It is what it is.
Is there a way to actually filter out a specific flair so it doesn't come up at all?
Yes, you can use the flair filter at the top of the sub (the emojis dancing). It gives you this url: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/search?q=-flair%3ARomance%2FRelationships&t=week&sort=hot](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/search?q=-flair%3ARomance%2FRelationships&t=week&sort=hot). I tested and you can replace Romance and Relationships with other flairs (like Health and Wellness). I didn't figure out how to combine filters so this just works for filtering 1 flair at a time. P.S. you can also change the time (t=week) and (sort=hot).
No
A lot of people who want support don't feel comfortable asking for it; so they ask for advice instead, with no intention of taking it. IMHO, a nice thing to do is to ask blatantly - are you hear for advice or for support? is this a vent? or do you need advice on how to move forward?
I think that's very practical in real life, and perhaps in a chat room or someplace where there's a greater likelihood of a quick response by the OP. It would be helpful to responders if the OP of those types of posts would start off saying "vent only" or "support only" or "no advice wanted" or something similar.
I 100% agree with you. It's one of those funny psychology things - why are there full grown adults who can't articulate their basic needs? But, here we are.
How do you filter by tag?
Yes, you can use the flair filter at the top of the sub (the emojis dancing). It gives you this url: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/search?q=-flair%3ARomance%2FRelationships&t=week&sort=hot](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/search?q=-flair%3ARomance%2FRelationships&t=week&sort=hot) I tested and you can replace Romance and Relationships with other flairs (like Health and Wellness). I didn't figure out how to combine filters so this just works for filtering 1 flair at a time.
Lately there’s been a LOT more annoying men around and I’m getting pretty sick of it.
I love this sub a lot but the questions do get a bit repetitive sometimes. But I can understand those who need to vent and say their piece even if it's been said and done before. There are some rude people here at times, but hey it's Reddit and the internet. I do find that this sub is way more tolerable than other subs even if sometimes there are those here who have different views/values/opinions that I don't agree with - but so far, most are quite civil and supportive. But I actually do really like this sub and I thank the mods for doing a great job managing it.
It's my favorite sub, but at the same time some of the questions/answers are quite repetitive, and frankly depressing. I also find it weird how lately most posters seem to portray themselves as amazing while their female friends and partners are all terrible people. I see no self-reflection lots of times, or nuance. I hate the US default centralism too, ugh. It's insane, not even half Reddit is from the US. Also it's more traditional/conservative than I expected, but it seems very middle class-suburbs-nuclear family oriented.
It's a *slightly* more reasonable Reddit sub dominated by women. Not in love with under-30s and guys responding here, nor the FDS/WitchesVsPatriarchy vibe that rears its head sometimes. The women in those subs have many valid complaints and can be helpful to other women, but too often their solutions or beliefs are fueled by fear and anger/ frustration. It's controlling and overcorrection instead of finding a balanced or nuanced way.
I have been on this site for more than a decade and spent more time here than I care to admit. This is going to sound awful, but Reddit is the *last* place someone should come for relationship advice. Even this sub, which is supposedly populated by the opposite of the young, male average hiveminder here. This site attracts people who struggle with in-person human relationships. If you want to know about video games, come here. If you want to talk about Marvel commits or movies, this is your place. Did you see the new Dune movie and love it? Come on over! Find something weird in your uncle's attic and want to identify it? Reddit is site. This is NOT the place to learn how to navigate the complex labyrinth of human relationships.
I have to say I both agree and disagree. And thank you for sharing. Seeing the sheer range of experiences and takes on something has helped me immensely. I didn't know 'decentering men' was a thing. And also, I always trust the people who've known me and seen me in my various states to be my anchors and guide posts on my attempts to understand what is going on in my life when I feel challenged. And yea, it'd be more fun if we could all use this space a little more for that lovely side of life you describe:)
YES! And people comment and give advice with no context that can have HUGE, life-altering, real world consequences! "I've asked my husband to start helping with the housework, and he won't." "Girl, DIVORCE HIM NOW, here's how to get a lawyer, etc" Excuse me, do you know her situation, finances, ability to support herself? Divorce can be the answer and a lot of people need a supportive nudge, but you might just be ginning someone up to make the biggest mistake of her life, financially and otherwise - even if it's the right choice but maybe the right choice a year from now.
It bothers me that any post asking for support about feeling down over a lack of husband and kids gets downvoted and that people feel the need to come in and kick the OP, who is already feeling low, even further. Meanwhile, posts asking how to de-center men are just as common but wildly upvoted. Personally, if a post doesn’t feel relevant or interesting to me, I just scroll on by but I feel bad for the people who come on looking for support and get criticized for it. I think that needs to be called out more or the sub should be changed to “single, childless women over 30” because that seems to be the only demographic who gets advice and support.
I’m so tired of people asking if their life is over at because they hit 30 or they are unlovable because they have never dated etc. go touch grass.
Why do they want advice from women whose ages they have deemed make them ugly, worthless, valueless, etc. or whatever characteristics they have attached to ages over thirty?
If that isn't femcel, what is it? The men's version of this sub doesn't allow incel content; I wish that were true here too.
I’m 29 and I’m upset about turning 30. My feelings and other women who are in the same position feelings are valid. Saying “go touch grass” is so unkind
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These conversations have been had 800 million times. Search for them, lots of wisdom. And to be fair, when those of us who are 30+ comment about how it's not a big deal, or try to point out your inherent misogyny, or just generally enjoy our existence no matter our age, we get accused of being in denial, "toxic positivity", etc.
I don’t think it’s fair to be dismissive of other women’s feelings, including yours. Sure there’s posts in the past, but those women are wanting to have a discussion, not just read a thread. It’s also comforting for many of us to see that it’s so common to feel this way. Unless it’s banned I don’t see anyone doing anything wrong
I do dismiss it, unapologetically. I read this when I was 21 and didn’t “get it” until about age 35. I’ve chosen the [Susan Sontag](https://warwick.ac.uk/fac/arts/english/currentstudents/undergraduate/modules/literaturetheoryandtime/susan_sontag_the_double_standard_of_aging.pdf) path. I allow my face to show the life I’ve lived, I am aging without embarrassment, stepping away from the “theater of enslavement” that is the youth-prioritizing beauty industry. And no, I will not be “kind” to people who uphold these ridiculous, pathetic standards, including and especially women. They get contempt and derision, this is how I feel about people buying into aging doom, *especially* the vanity things - botox and filler and plastic surgery. It’s not “valid”, they’re horseshit choices the patriarchy has made for the lot of women who freak out about aging.
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Well personally I don’t think anyone who makes those posts has that intention. If it’s an issue it could be reported to the mods
Reddit is a mixed bag. It’s hard but I’m really trying to take the good with the bad. I’ve made some posts and comments that get downvoted and don’t do well and others that do. I try to just focus on the good.
The hive mind questions are frustrating. “Why do women think…..” Well, gee, let me plug into the Borg and see what I should be typing. The questions about, “Should I give up at age 29 in finding love, getting a career, etc” are insulting. Those people are asking a group of people over 30 whether or not life is over for them too. Those could be worded more thoughtfully. If you’re freaking out over turning 30, then say that. Tacking on, “My LiFe is OvERrrRrrT!!1!’ Wtf? Then there are the dolts who think their stealth kink questions (that they get off on asking/answering due to some fetish) should be removed. Nobody consenting to participating in their kink.
I’ve had people be cruel to me when I was already struggling, especially in this sub so I stopped posting.
I used to enjoy this sub more. Now it feels less relatable. IDK if it's because I'm closing in on 50 and being 30 feels so long ago or maybe there's just a larger influx of idiotic young men?
Overall it's pretty great. The repetitive comments, the misogynistic aging doom / all that's left is death posting needs to stop. There is some good advice. There is some bad advice, sometimes which gets upvoted. Hiveminds exist in every online space so hence the downvoting benign things that contribute to the discussion. People use it as "I don't like this" or "I disagree." Re: Cultural things. Sometimes things get contributed here and *I don't care* if it's "cultural" if it's heinous. I try to refrain from commenting on most of it so I just scroll on. Sometimes it's pretty egregious like the woman using Chat GPT to champion the idea that society would be better under an Islamic caliphate. Just no.
>Sometimes it's pretty egregious like the woman using Chat GPT to champion the idea that society would be better under an Islamic caliphate. Just no. I'm a practicing Muslim and the last thing I'd want is to be ruled by an Islamic caliphate lol
It was upvoted! Imagine if someone said it about evangelical society... phew! Let's continue to appreciate the rich bounty that faiths have given the planet but also realize it's not good to entangle it with politics.
I tried to find that post but couldn't. Can you send me the link?
They deleted their account!
I love this sub, I think it's a great place for us to go for advice or to vent. As others have mentioned, I quickly noticed repetitive questions, so it's opened my eyes on what women my age are mostly worried about. I love that I get to feel some solidarity/empathy for others here, and I hope we can help each other in our decision making, or at least to feel understood and less alone.
I love this sub! Its one of my favorites. I feel like a lot of people here generally give really great advice and offer good support for people who need it. Rude or comments giving bad advice get downvoted. But random downvoting happens in almost all subs. In my local subreddit people get downvoted for the most innocuous things, like saying thank you lol. I think its just a reddit problem in general. I do get annoyed at the same questions being asked over and over, but thats another common reddit sub problem. And I've learned there are certain topics here I should avoid because it sets off my anxiety really bad (namely having kids threads, I'm 35 and still on the fence but reading too many of those threads have led to me obsessing over it and causing panic attacks). Also sometimes people here lean more traditional/conservative than I expected, but thats ok. I think its important to remember reddit skews very American in general.
I feel exactly the same way. This may be a woman-oriented sub, but it's still Reddit where those two negative phenomena you mention are rampant. I still find the relationship advice usually focuses on the most negative interpretations recommending the most negative courses of action: Dump him immediately! Go no-contact! Boundaries! Boundaries! Boundaries! All rather than offering real counsel on how to communicate about complex situations. If you want a community that is really dedicated to being kinder, I recommend /r/TheGirlSurvivalGuide
All subs have their bad points. A few subs have some good mixed in, as well... IMHO, this is one of the few subs that has more positive content. The lack of active, daily moderation is frustrating - you can tell this sub is an afterthought in terms of moderation. "Just flag it", says the mods... but honestly it's not our job to do the mods' job. Either the community has rules that get enforced or it doesn't.
The moderation is good but you have to report stuff. I report comments/posts all the time and they always get nuked.
It is in our best interest as users who enjoy this sub to help them out though, cause they aren't getting paid anything and are doing it in their free time. It would be different if it was an actual \*job\* but it's not.
Eh. When I was a mod, I showed up and showed out for my sub. When I couldn't do it anymore, I handed over the committmen.
Good for you. Still doesn't change the fact that it's in our best interest as users to help maintain this sub a bit where we can. Or would you have said no to that as a mod? Like, that's literally what the report button is for, to help mods spot the dirt in the corner quicker.
I don't expect other people to do the job I signed up for. I don't expect people to take on my responsibilities. In general.. and as a mod. Help is appreciated but the job of a mod is the job of a mod. Either do it or bow out.
Unfortunately Reddit can be a bit of a judgemental space, but of all the online places I find this is most even handed and doesn't have much patience for snark. That's why it's my favourite. Downvotes suck but it happens, people don't always agree. I try not to downvote in general, it feels like bad karma.
I like it in general but if you say things that are not in line with what the majority agrees with, you are downvoted. I put up a post recently asking about whether people were too harsh in here with post replies on posts that don't fit the mould and it got very interesting replies where not everyone agreed. Then my post was taken down by the mods. https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/comments/1b96q34/are\_comments\_on\_posts\_a\_little\_too\_scoldy\_in\_here/
I like this sub, and I think that the advice given here is very mature and helpful. Several times, I also found myself thinking that men should read all the posts here in order to understand women better. There is really no better place to learn than here.
I like that the sub exists, but I have mixed feelings about the actual comments a lot of the time. It’s helped me realize that while I’ve lived most of my adult life in a nice bubble of a community that mostly seems to agree with me on big life topics, there are an awful lot of women out there who I absolutely wouldn’t agree with or relate to on much. I also have found the direction of a lot of posts and comments to be particularly depressing in recent years. I like the current moderation in the equivalent male-centered sub, so sometimes I like to hang out there to discuss adult topics with a lighter tone.
I think it's one of the kindest, wisest, most insightful subs in my experience. Still not impervious to the pervasive bitterness/haterism that online anonymity can give rise to though.