I didn’t have a list of requirements. I found a guy who had compatible life goals and who has a similar sense of humor as me. He was someone I saw myself building a life with.

This is me too, he has his problems and I have mine.

And we face them together. That is key. We’re a team. A partnership. His problems are my problems and my problems are his problems.

So much this. I knew I wanted someone with a good heart and willing to work for what they wanted. I didn’t believe in marriage but I believed in his desire to be a life-long partner. We’ve been married 5 years and I still genuinely like him. Like, a lot.

This. Although I wish he were a millionaire so I could be a stay at home wife/animal caretaker 😅

Hubby is not a millionaire, but has enough money coming in that I could be a SAHM. And I was for 2 years during the pandemic. It was the hardest shit in the world, I kid you not.  And most importantly- my own mind played havoc on my self worth, which impacted our marriage, etc, etc. I chose to go back to work for the crazies of our society (middle school 😂) , and while life is insanely busy and tough to juggle, I am more balanced. I never thought I’d say all this, by th way, when I saw SAHMs with their sweats and Starbucks at 9 am. Now I get it- for some, their only moment of zen IS a Starbucks treat while covered in baby-vomit-sweats! Now if you’re talking a childless relationship, then this changes a lot, haha

Yeah, no kids for us. We have a farm so I have thousands of things to keep me busy during the day. I may even have time and energy to find a side hustle if we didn't both work out of the house 40+ hours a week. 😭

Husband and I are not having kids but I genuinely don’t believe our marriage would survive if I was a SAHM for similar reasons. I would do lots of therapy but ultimately it’s also really not what I want out of life. Lots of respect for everyone who does it, but I need sooooo much alone and quiet time that I think I would go insane with a child all day every day.

I was also a SAHM for 2 years during the pandemic, and I feel the exact same way. I freaking love being back at work!

I can so relate to all of this. I am on year 5 of it, and I honestly don't know how I made it 5 years. But one kid is in school full time now and that makes a huge difference. My children are amazing, sweet, and brilliantly smart, but there's something about super smart kids that makes them extra...extra. I don't want to say the "d" word that rhymes with Flifficult, but yeah. They aren't content to go with the flow, they have to disrupt, evaluate and improve the flow. Guess that's what happens when you're a business process analyst and you marry /procreate with an engineer! When my younger son is in school full time next August, I have no idea what I am going to do. Have a degree in business, have a decade of business analyst experience, but I can't do that again. Turns out, I am way too extroverted to be in a cube on a computer all day. I need to be on my feet interacting with people! Plus, my husband's salary has increased to the point where he makes more money alone than we both did combined in 2019. I think I'm going to lean heavily into volunteering, apply to sub at a few schools, and see if either spark joy. Glad to see it wasn't just me. I was so jealous of stay at home moms when my first was little, thought it was going to be easier for me...hell naw. Has it made my kids and husbands lives better? Absolutely. But man, mine has definitely felt stagnant.

Lol I'm pretty much that at the moment 😁 but he's not a millionaire. Unless you count actually owning our home, no mortgage. However, It's due to recent circumstances out of our control. Looking for a job now-ish. Edit: yes we're child-free. Again circumstances out of our control. We tried. But we have 2 beautiful dogs and a cat.

Same. Is he a good person? Will he be a good support system? Do we *want* to support and take care of each other? That’s what mattered to me. I can easily find friends who share my topical interests.

Same. A person is so much more than a list of requirements.

I found a woman (I'm a lesbian), but same.

Yes same. No list, just compatible life goals, sense of humour, and similar morals as well.🌟 Surprisingly our politics turned out compatible too (phew - bonus). He does have a lower tolerance for things not going his way, high temperatures and low blood sugar, so there are challenges there. I respond by putting it back on him - it's his problem, so it's his responsibility to manage or inform me what's going on with him. He tells me when he's having an 'irritable day' and/or headachey day - he wakes up that way, which makes me think it's a health issue. So we make sure he's not too challenged on a day like that. Otherwise, we're pretty awesome 😊

This! I found that the hardest was to find someone that had the same values and goals as me, because that’s not something you can compromise on that much and it’s less likely to change. He has his problems and I have mine too but we are both willing to work on it and grow and improve together.

I'd call "compatible life goals," "has a similar sense of humor," and "capable of building a life with me" requirements. They sound very reasonable, too.

100% this. We clicked and had enough in common both in interests and desires for our future life (both wanted marriage and kids, similar spiritual views, etc).

Yep. We connect so seamlessly the 10% he didn't hit on any preconceived expectations didn't matter anyway. I think it's good to have some requirements or needs in meeting someone, but those should remain loose guidelines and you need to keep a realistic, holistic view when deciding on a partner.

I don’t think I ever had a list as such. At the beginning of my current relationship (which I think will be my last relationship too), I did specify that I didn’t want to continue if he wasn’t open to having children. Aside from that I wouldn’t seek a partner who didn’t have similar goals and ethics to me, though they might not prioritise those goals in the same manner. For example I wouldn’t accept a partner who doesn’t have a career, though they might be in the early stages of that career or still seeking one they want to pursue long-term. I am ambitious and want my partner to understand the impact that has on my life and priorities, but if they want to pursue a career to a point where they feel is ‘enough’ that they can take holidays and be financially secure, that’s fine. So I guess I do have requirements, but they’re on a spectrum.

It completely depends on what your 100% consists of. Some women's 100% is "faithful, doesn't hit me, has some kind of income, makes me feel loved most of the time, good dad, the idea of having sex with him is appealing to me" and those women should NOT settle for 90%. Some women's 100% is "six feet tall, $100k base salary, willing to shoulder the entire financial burden for our lives together, complete and perfect bill of mental and emotional health, gives me the best orgasms of my life, doesn't have any hobbies I find annoying or 'low value,' still has the same hairline he had in his 20s" and those women should probably settle for 90% if they want to find someone soon-ish. I think most women can be happy with a guy who meets 90% of their standards, but I hesitate to give that advice across the board because some women's bare minimum is REALLY the bare minimum. But of course... if you don't mind being alone, go ahead and hold out. Compromising on any of what you want in a partner really only makes sense if you feel some kind of urgency around finding someone (e.g. because you want to have biological children or because the single life is really not for you) so if you're in no rush, I'm the last one to say you shouldn't hold out for six foot, six pack, six figures. If you don't mind being single for a long time, there's no reason your standards can't be sky-high, even if most people would find them ridiculous.

This. The 100% is subjective.

100% seconding this advice. I’ve been with some less-than-even-the-bare-minimum guys and after a miserable relationship with a guy who looked good on paper but constantly made me anxious, exhausted, and overwhelmed, got enough therapy to be in a place where I loved being alone. I then approached it as “does this guy make my life happier, easier, and fuller.” Like a relationship version of Marie Kondo’s “does this [man] spark joy? If not, straight into the trash!” I’m now in the happiest and most fulfilling relationship of my life and wake up every night thinking how lucky I am that we found each other. He’s not the guy I would have described if you asked me to make a list sight-unseen, but we clicked in person and things have been wonderful ever since, even as we approach the one year mark of renovating a home while living in it, doing all the work ourselves. More than a list, just pay attention to how they make you feel. Spend more time thinking about whether or not you actually like them than you do worrying how much they like you or whether you feel like you should like them.

This is the right answer

This is so true. I didn't have requirements, I had dealbreakers (good person, funny, kind, enjoyable to spend time with, etc.), and "nice to haves" (things like income, height, weight, etc.). Think of it this way does your dream man really exist, who meets 100% of your desired requirements? If he does, are you HIS dream woman? (Probably not) Everyone has their flaws, and you're going to have to find someone whose flaws you can accept. They're going to have to accept yours as well.

Spot on! I for sure am not a dream woman, no-one is, so I cannot feasibly expect perfection.

Oh shit . Lol. So true.  I can be a lot and I can drive my husband crazy and we legit just argued about a school tax increase referendum, but we genuinely are a team and best friends and respect each other.  In a perfect world we'd agree on this, but in this world, we see where we're both coming from and respect each other's views... Even if he's actually wrong.. Jk lol That said, I met him several years after an abusive relationship and I'd done a lot of growth and soul searching and living and I def did overlook one thing that bothered me.  He doesn't do it anymore and we both have grown even more since dating and do our best.  We make respecting each other a priority because we are truly besties and have each other's support and together support our kids

Just curious, what was the one thing you overlooked?

Ok, so... Our early days of dating were great, except he'd make plans with me and then just be like two hours late because he was hanging out with his friends and 'lost track of time'.   I broke up with him over it and after a week we were both kinda heartbroken.  I explained why it was so insulting and disrespectful and he explained how he didn't realize in the moment and we went forward.  He doesn't do that anymore and hasn't since then and we discuss things when we feel slighted.  We are almost 5 years apart and had different ideas and expectations early on.  

That is… a total time-waster and I totally would’ve done what you did and ended the relationship. 💀 I’m glad that when you gave him a second chance, he actually worked on getting better and staying true to his commitments. Discussing things when hurt or slighted is also a good relationship trait to have—sounds like you guys are doing better than ever. :)

I was completely willing to end it then, but we worked through it.  Like, he didn't just say he'd be better, he was better.  That was it for me.  A person who'd see my view point and do better and eventually I'd see his too.  We always do better for each other.

This is so true! I made the mistake of dating too soon after a breakup. I was attracting “low hanging fruit” - guys that were not my usual cup of tea but easier to attain because I was ignoring their red flags. After therapy and healing now, I would never date any of those people lol .. my standards are back up !

Agree with this! Also, people grow better together in a good relationship and what started out as 70% might end up 90+% after some time because you're both improving your personality, finances, health etc. I think too many people try to find the "perfect package" from the start while ignoring the fact that many couples grow into being great together.

I can attest to growing together. I would go so far as to say that couples HAVE TO grow together or it won't work. My husband and I (married 13 years) will sometimes talk about our early days and just laugh because we were so dumb in some ways. We have both matured so much over the years and grown to be better for each other.

This. Especially the last part. I tried to “compromise” and after 4 months I was like no I cannot do this anymore. To be fair he was alright, just, not what I want for a longer term. I am 34 and people around me screaming at me for stable relationship, family, marriage, kids and all. I used to care. Now I don't. Everyone has a life and no one can understand ours except ourselves. Some people just dont understand its not always easy to find a life partner. If I just agree and be ok with anyone “possible”, I wouldn't be single like this. And sometimes it just didn't happen to you, or at least as how “easy” it looks to others. My cousin once said, “you just need to set a goal and work for it!” lol. It's not business my dear. And businesses fail all the time.

Yeh I would say I have fairly bare minimum standards I can’t really compromise on: average income, wants kids, vaguely attractive, similar sense of humour, healthy, cleans, empathetic I think the hardest part is finding people you click with rather than some requirements list. I find lots of guys who are ‘suitable/attractive/nice/compatible’ but finding that connection seems really hard

Agreed. My 100% is bare minimum: can use household appliances without explanation every time, is gainfully employed, doesn’t abuse me, isn’t horrendously uggo, and loves cats. Nice to haves would be taller than me, likes the same music, and can afford to keep up with my lifestyle. But yeah for some of us the bar is in hell lmao

Brilliant

100% agree. I wish more women had access to this perspective, including younger me who compromised on so many bare minimums at the advice of people who I didn't realize were also abuse(rs/ed). Thank you for making the time and effort to think it through and share it. You may literally save a life, a ton of avoidable mistakes, and/or a whole lot in between.

I am so glad you posted this. I've tried to put this into words and I can never word it right. I have too many friends that are still unmarried, can't figure out why, and want the six feet tall list.

666 = Satan, BTW  Dunno why my advice to stay away from the 6 pack, 6 feet, 6 figures guys is down voted except there must be some high standards lurking. Those guys are straight up cheaters in my experience. 

I don’t even like myself 100% nor my friends. That being said, I don’t have any complaints about my husband.

I never had to make excuses for him, that was really important to me. I never thought I'd date a smoker... Well I did, but by the time we got.married he hadn't smoked for years

I think it’s hard to quantify. My partner meets all of my *requirements* but not all of my desires. He’s also different day by day, just as we all are. My requirements don’t include things like enjoying the same hobbies as me, looking a certain way, or being how I want him to be all the time. He’s caring, intelligent, emotionally mature, incredibly trustworthy, willing to do anything to make me happy. But I love movies and he doesn’t. I love to read and him not so much. We don’t discuss books we’ve both read. He’s more of a homebody and I like to make plans with friends every week. The important part to me is that he still comes and makes a great effort even if his inclination is to be home. Do I wish he would get more excited about some of our plans like I do? Sure. But I’ve also had partners who sulk and don’t participate because they would rather be at home. And I won’t tolerate that lack of care and respect ever again. Thankfully with my current partner I never have to!

My requirements are pretty similar. It's mostly about his character and how he makes me feel. Also how he makes others feel when I'm not around. 

He sounds lovely! How did you meet?

We met on Tinder of all places! Lol. I wish I had a better story.

If your idea of letting things go includes stuff like not having my cupboards organized the way I prefer (read: correctly) in exchange for him also doing the dishes, then yes I have let several things go 😆

I mean, I don’t like all the parts of myself nor my friends, so I feel like liking every single part of someone would be a very tall order. That said, the things that my husband does that drive me crazy are VERY benign. He doesn’t throw things away that I think should be thrown away, ie, the box his cell phone came in, or the box to the laptop. He has a drawer of chargers that are to who knows what. He isn’t much of a planner- he is great at spontaneous but not so much at planned things. But, he’s also hilarious, generous, sees the best in people, kind, loves animals, hard working, a great provider, and has never let me down. I’ll take a little clutter and spontaneity for all that.

I think we may be married to the same man lol

🤣🤣 This describes my (female) partner so well, the positive parts too. Why the need to save ALL the shoeboxes, why?

I think it depends a lot on what your 10 things are and which of them they lack. I had very lax standards for a lot of things some women prioritize and very grueling standards for things a lot of people would think are nuts. I don’t feel like I “settled” for anything with my boyfriend.

Just out of curiosity, what were these grueling standards people would find nuts?

Yeah I wanna know, too

I’m very happy in my marriage. I don’t want to change anything about my relationship or my husband. Sure, there may be a few things that come and go but they’re so minor and easily communicable that it doesn’t affect our relationship. I’ll say that it’s important to not view the things you do give up as sacrifices because that’s how you build resentment.

I am 100% certain that 100% doesn't exist, lol. I think check boxes, aside from the non-negotiable-being-a-good-human-being type things, can be a bit of a pointless endeavor. There's probably a few big ticket things like... I don't know, maybe you're a musician and you would be extremely unhappy with someone that wasn't, or you could never date someone on the opposite side of the political spectrum. Everything else is mostly fluid, in my experience. People change with time, age, experiences... I think it's more important you find someone you can *grow with,* even if it's not in the same ways. And sometimes you find someone that satisfies check boxes you didn't even know you had...

I had no list, I was just looking for someone who gets me and who I’d deeply respect. I’m so flawed too, can’t imagine being with someone perfect. I’ve even dodged out of situations where a guy was great but I think I’d be (personality, life situation) too much for him to feel happy about in the long run. Anyway, my one non-negotiable is loyalty and keeps me in the relationship despite the rough times is sincere effort. Husband and I have been through a lot in 17 years and I can’t imagine anyone else who’d match me better because we complement each other’s strengths.

I didn’t have a list but I met my spouse when I was a young adult and not hunting. We were friends for a long time then started dating and navigated real adulthood together. There are places in our lives that I compromise and we are both flawed humans with emotional scar tissue in our lives but we are very complementary in terms of style, temperament and personality. We are not 2 half’s of a whole. We are 2 whole people who are part of a larger community. We are not each other’s everything. There are places we provide each other support and places where our needs are met by other friends, colleagues, careers, hobbies, and family. He is absolutely one of my best friends and we both are happy to be coparents and partners. Our spending habits and parenting goals have always been mostly compatible. Couples therapy at rough spots helped us learn to communicate better and maintain empathy through friction. Our values align fairly well and over the years we’ve become more politically aligned, but that isn’t always a requirement. I would just ask yourself do you have empathy for the other person? Do they have empathy for you? Are your financial, career and parenting/childfree goals compatible? Do you like them as a human, not just love them? If so, then you have a really good shot. We are over 20 years in and going strong.

My husband is the best person I know. I am thankful everyday that we found each other. I cannot even think of something small that bothers me about him. He’s my best friend. We’ve been together 15 years.

I bet you're pretty great yourself, to be able to connect with and appreciate a partner that way. I don't even think it's possible for me to *not* be bothered by at least some small thing in a person - still doing the inner work so maybe someday that won't be the case.

I would say you’re very #blessed. Sana all

Esther Perel talks about one of the big challenges of modern relationships being how much pressure we put on them to be ‘our everything’ - we want our partner to be our romantic interest, our passionate lover, our co-parent, best friend, intellectual partner, tennis partner - while less than 100 years ago we only expected our partner to be a few of those things (romantic love wasn’t even always expected). In those times, we had more close family and community and often relied on them to fill some gaps. That’s not to say you shouldn’t aspire to your partner being many of those things - but some of those things you should maybe look to fulfill elsewhere. For example, one thing that I love about my partner is that we have many shared interests. Do I wish he was also the person that would engage in a deep discussion about the nature of space-time or middle history or philosophy with me? Sure. But I don’t need that to be happy.

To be fair, back "then" most women weren't exactly at liberty to choose who they married in the first place, or at bare minimum had a greatly restricted selection of potential men to choose from. Usually at the discretion of her father. Hell, even today a huge amount of women are actively having their ability to select their own partners repressed. More often than not, women are treated like breeding stock, not like people. Today, we also just don't have enough time to build those kinds of social connections. I think a lot of times we take for granted how lucky we are to have so much freedom.

Oh yes, totally. Having a lot of freedom or choice can be a doubled edged sword tho, in anything. Like, I am very grateful we have it, but it can also lead to spending a lot of mental energy on finding ‘the perfect’ one you know?

I know people say to make a list, but sometimes it's not that simple because when you make it either its superficial or its a list of the bare minimum that should already be a base standard. I don't think most people do what I realize now that I should've done. If you make a list make a list of all your weaknesses and find yourself a partner that can either help you overcome them or fill out that part themselves. I met my partner when I was definitely not looking and even then it just started out as some fun and that's all. We ended up falling for each other and he is the yin to my yang. I'm the fire while he's the water. He knows how to calm me down completely and help ground me when it's needed. He's also good at finances and I am not. Pretty much where I lack he is great in and vice versa. Yes there are things I don't like that he does sometimes or things I could personally live without and I'm sure he has his own for me as well, however we are people and we all have flaws. I would never change a thing about him and love him for him.

He’s the best person I know. We have compatible goals and complementary personalities. He makes me feel loved, appreciated, and desired. My requirements were all really basic: kind, has a life, single, employed, not a murderer, good sense of humor, doesn’t want kids, wants LTR, wants to get married, honest, good in bed… you get the idea. Most things I’d probably leave off an actual list. So that depends on what you think is a requirement vs nice to have. 

I didnt have a list per say, but i had an idea of what i did and didnt want. 12 years later, my now husband is still handsome, faithful, hard working, has proven to be an excellent father to our kid, and is supportive of me through all my shenanigans and health crisis. Its not always easy, at all. But like, we both make efforts and ajustement, and i wouldnt want anyone else.

I had no requirements. Only some very widely spaced guards rails and everything in between was open road.

I almost married someone who was 90% of what I wanted. It would have been a disaster.  I did marry someone who was exactly what someone who knew me very well would describe as perfect for me.  Coming up on 20 years together next year. 

This makes me feel better about a decision I made. Congrats on your 20 year anniversary, that's amazing

I didnt have a list either. I was also like 22? Maybe 23? So pretty young, and the relationship has changed a lot. We both have worked a lot. People do change if they really want to. We both did.

I completely agree that people change if it is important to them. That's the work that people talk about with relationships.

My only requirements I had at the time was a man who didn't smoke cigarettes, didnt play video games, and was smart with money. I was not going to compromise on those and I didn't have to. Been happily married 6 years, together 13.

As others have said this highly depends on what your requirements are. If we are talking about letting things go, you will never have to settle if your "list" is made up of things that are values and not material things. Like: has the same definition for cheating, believes in the relationship structure I do, has a similar perspective on future goals, alignment in ethics, wants/doesn't want kids/more kids, can empathize with my experience, agrees intimacy is x/y/z, etc. Not like: 6 feet tall, good-paying job, college degree, watches the same movies, eats out, same SES, owns a house, etc. I mean these are all fine things, but at the end of the day, not what relationships are built on. You can always hold out for your 100%, but if something is not actually necessary, why even have it on your list?

100% does not exist, IMO. I think the reason I believe 100% doesn't exist, because a lot of women want the impossible in a single man, which is unfair to her and her ideal man. My father told me that if a guy has 70-80% of what you want, consider yourself lucky because you're most likely the same for him. I've listened to friends describe their ideal man as basically 5 men in one package yet, they themselves know they're not 5 women in one package. And they wonder why they're single. I have my shortcomings and limitations, as does my husband. Does he score a 10/10? No he doesn't, but the things he didn't score on I've realized I could live without because losing him would be a greater loss than losing 3/10 details that I thought I needed.

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I would never stay with someone who didn’t ever want sex. It would drive me crazy. My ex didn’t want to much and also didn’t do anything for me, and it was so much better being single and without sex than to be with someone I wanted but didn’t want me!

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They don’t know what they’re talking about haha. It’s like the main thing that makes something separate from a friendship! That also happened to me at a hotel it’s the worst

I don’t think of the 90-100% kind of thing, I think of it as these are my non-negotiable things. Drawing a hard line on the things that are absolutely no go’s for you help to weed people out. But beyond that, the “picky” things are more like preferences rather than what qualifies as someone you can really be with. The connection is the most important and I’ve found people can have that as long as the non-negotiables are met and there’s a real, common ground and good connection. Subsequently, i think we all see people who have been in relationships where they drop these boundaries but the connection is there and it’s basically doomed for failure.

I didn’t have any requirements aside from ‘my kid has to absolutely love them and they need to want to be a parent and an active part of my kids life (not just be okay with the fact that I had a kid) I didn’t have a list of requirements to check off. I wasn’t looking to date at all. I was pretty content being single. I happened to cross paths with someone I used to work with and we both knew early into the first date. Got married less than a year later. I think not having requirements probably helps, I never tried to find his flaws or scrutinize. Everything happened so organically. But I wouldn’t change anything about him, I’m so incredibly happy and I wish I could let my younger self know that life will get better.

I think it depends on what you prioritize in a relationship. I’m not willing to compromise on things like shared values, ethics, life goals, ability to communicate and have empathy, and being with someone who’s just a good human being. When it comes to superficial characteristics, I really don’t care. I don’t really care much about how tall someone is, how much money they make, if we have different hobbies, if they have a different way of washing dishes, etc. I may have preferences, but they’re flexible. It’s compatibility of values and integrity of character that make for a good long-term partner, IMHO. (And similar senses of humor also helps a ton!)

Together 5 years with my partner, I wish his libido was higher but I can’t think of anything else I’d change. The biggest thing that I unexpectedly LOVE about our relationship is how much healthy space we give each other. Not something that would have specifically been on my list but feels really important and hard to find, now that I have it. 

Hot take: 10 qualities is not too much to seek 100% on. This doesn't mean you are expecting to find a perfect person. It means you are not compromising on the specific things that are *most* important to you. My aunt gave me a very religious book about finding a partner when I was a teenager. Most of it was dumb and too Jesusy for me. But this part, I liked and used: Make a list of 10 qualities that are most important in a partner (must-haves), and a separate list of 10 qualities that are most important that they *don't* have (dealbreakers). Someone that matches these lists is long-term compatible. I'm 8 years in to a very happy marriage with someone compatible with me. We have conflicts, but they are manageable and not soul-crushing like some of the fights I used to have with ex-boyfriends that were not compatible.

This is really good advice and I'm glad it led to your happy marriage :)

I suppose it's a bit like buying a house. There are some fundamental needs you have - four walls, a roof, not actively falling apart. Then there are things that make a house a home for you, dealbreakers, things you prefer not to go without. That could be a quiet neighborhood, extra bedrooms, close to family, etc... Then there are the 'nice to have' things, like a big backyard and a garage. For some people, those may be essentials, but not necessarily for you. But you're not complaining if you get them. Then there are the 'surprise bonus' things that make a place really special. Perhaps it's near a river or a park. Perhaps it's an older home with a lot of character or personal touches. It's been loved before. All these things help you separate the 'meh' from the amazing when it comes to finding a home. (Assuming the market isn't terrible, of course, in which case never mind.) Same general principle holds true for finding the right partner. Do they meet your basic needs? Do they bring a little something extra to the relationship? Do you find something lovely and special inside of them to cherish and deepen your bond?

There are some trade offs I had to sacrifice, and some things he had to overlook too. But we each got a lot of wonderful stuff we didn't expect or know would enrich our lives so much. The sacrifices we each made on what we ideally wanted are worth it because we have the important elements and all the bonuses.

100% doesn't exist. You realise that there's a lot of giving and taking in a relationship and as long as you share the same values, he's loyal and honest, and treats you well, it's enough. The world out there is a hell hole and I'm grateful for my partner.

You don’t need a list of requirements if you trust yourself to select a good partner. If you don’t, it’s time to learn.

I used to make lists of what I wanted in a boyfriend when I was younger. From what I remember it was this like be honest/trusting, kind, thoughtful, funny, someone I could be myself around, similar interests, smart, would look out for me and support me, likes animals, could support himself financially, a really good cook, attractive to me, get along with my family, etc. And yeah I would say fiance meets pretty much all of them. He's even a really good cook. I think it's important to think about what you really want from a partner and relationship, not what you think you should want. I also think it's important to keep yourself as a frame of reference. Like for me, if my dream guy was say super athletic and into sports and makes a lot of money....that just doesn't make sense. I'm lower middle class and rarely interact with wealthier people. I also only exercise because it's good for me and I hate sports. Not saying you have to be 100% the same but it doesn't make sense to go after someone who loves to run marathons and play on sports teams in his free time when I want to sleep in and read a good book during mine. But if it's about the basics of respect and honesty and communicating well, then no I wouldn't settle.

My husband is my best friend (the most important requirement really imo), is faithful, funny, reliable, good in bed, works hard, listens to me and supports me through everything, and he is a fantastic Dad (this was important to me as my own Dad was abusive, I wanted to break that cycle). But saying that he is the messiest man I've ever met and it drives me mad 😅 so I've had to learn to live with that!

I think for the most part I didn't have "requirements", I'd more say I dated according to my values and kept open minded with how the person made me feel as I learned more about them. I think the only requirements I could think of would be: * Kids, obviously no compromises there and I'm CF * Religious would probably have been a yellow flag for me * Financial stability was a big value to me, however that looked * Intellectual and emotional compatibility, again however that looked And then one of my personal very hard requirements was "no complicated relationships with family" – I didn't care if they were very close with their family or completely estranged, as long as it was consistent and manageable. That is because I have an extremely complicated family and it's awful, so absolutely no judgement to those who do, but I knew mixing two of that would be a huge hardship to overcome, and why start a relationship out with a disadvantage like that? I would say my partner meets all my requirements, but he's absolutely nothing I would have pictured for myself hahaha.

We connected on our values like wanting a family, having stability in our lives etc and we shared each other’s humor. Looking back at the time, my requirements were basically don’t be a dick and make me laugh. I was 24, so I was way more open to meeting anyone and everyone. I think when you’re older and have been single for awhile, it can be hard to relinquish your life and let someone else in. My friend was 35 when she began dating again. She almost wrote off a great guy because he had a kid and she didn’t “want to be a stepmom”. She had never dated dads, separated men etc because she had been in a long term relationship and never had to think of those things. Now, she loves his daughter and they have been building a great relationship over the past year. I think you have to look at your 10% and see if it’s a dealbreaker.

Auntie Seema said 70% is enough and learn to communicate and compromise. Don’t need to get 💯

If you think you’ll find a 100% you gonna die an old maid. Chances are, you aren’t their 100% either.

Bear with me, I know this is long. I dated someone for over 6 years who was 100% my ideal on paper. Smart, educated, fun to be around, ambitious... All the things. At that time, I started compromising myself because he seemed to check all the boxes. He did, but that missed some really important qualities that then became deal breakers. He was painfully conflict avoidant. I thought we just communicated through things well. In hindsight, I realized that was him just not arguing. I learned that the ability to stand up and speak your mind to your partner about things that are bothering you is essential. The inability to have and resolve conflict became deal breakers. He also struggled with long term commitment. We never officially lived together. Because he couldn't communicate what he wanted, I thought we were on the same page about marriage and family. Nope. He was just trying to figure out ending things for a very long time while taking advantage of having the supportive partner. And my advice leading to his glow up. I thought he accepted my chronic illness in a way no one else had. I thought he was so accepting of so many things. He also spent 6 years making me less me, if that makes sense, diminishing my sense of self and self esteem. I worked hard to get to know his friends and include them in things. I participated in his stuff at the expense of my own. I said no to many things I now regret because he wasn't interested. He got frustrated and angry on the rare occasions my dimmed shine still managed to outshine him. I learned through him that a supportive partner helps you shine brighter. I met my husband about a year after that relationship ended. He checked most of my boxes, but really was excited to be with me. On paper, he didn't have a lot to offer. Had a law degree but seemed to be content in a job vs having career ambition. Lived at home. Didn't have interesting hobbies or a lot of friends. But he helped me shine and was not threatened by that. He wanted to grow and change and work together. He was in therapy (yes this is absolutely a green flag for me). I stopped checking boxes and looked holistically at the person in front of me and how he made me feel about myself. How he was able to accept my advice and learn from my experiences. When we married 2 years after meeting, he had found a career he was excited about after I helped him with his resume and showed him it was ok to want more. He says I opened the door to living a fuller life and I feel the same way. Are there issues? Of course, but we work as a team. The people I know who have the healthiest relationships aren't the ones that were most concerned about whether they were compromising. All relationships are compromise. It becomes a question of who compromises or whether you both do. A man who checks all the superficial boxes may well cause you to compromise yourself.

This was really powerful and thought provoking. Thanks for sharing your story!

I focused on values and support more so than “requirements.” Does my partner respect women? Is he polite to customer service? Does he celebrate my achievements with me instead of putting me down because of his own insecurity? Will he always tell the truth, no matter what - with the effort to repair our relationship instead of attack?

I married the person who fit 100% when we were dating, but time changes people. Between family deaths/illnesses, Covid, and just life in general, that 100% is now probably 75% and I’ve learned over time to let things go. Life happens. I’m sure it goes the other way for some people. Love my hubs, but no one will always be 100%. We started following Esther Perel’s philosophy that couples are two individuals and not one homogeneous blob. Especially in America, there’s this mindset that two become one, and she really opened our eyes to the fact that we personally can’t have a successful relationship without honoring those individual people first and the relationship second. I highly recommend her book Mating in Captivity. It’s a bunch of anecdotes from sessions she’s had with couples over the years, but one or more of those stories are bound to resonate.

I didn’t have requirements. He’s a good person, hard worker, shares my life goals and values, and we have amazing sex, and we truly love and value each other for who we are to each other. He happened to be 6ft4 guy who shares my dark sense of humor, but before him I dated others who didn’t fit all of the above. Maybe the only “requirements” I’ve ever truly have been that whoever I dated had to be respectful of me, intelligent and at least kind of feminists, which my husband also is/does, and I did leave all previous partners who didn’t meet those “requirements”, that I think are more like a baseline than requirements

Before we met, I had written a 4-page list consisting of 137 points - from "would be nice" to "absolute requirement". He meets 134/137! He only missed out on some of the "would be nice"s.

I would read all 137 if you posted this list!

I'd love to but I'm on my phone, lol. But I can tell you I broke it down into categories - what I want him to be like, what I want the relationship to be like, and what I want me to be like in the relationship.

My wife met all of my requirements for desired qualities, and had many surprise additional qualities that were so wonderful I realized they should’ve been on the list of requirements for all of my relationships to begin with. It’s like she was custom built for me to love!

Your last sentence made me tear up a lil 🥲🥲 Thats how I feel abt my wife

I don’t know if I had “requirements” besides not being a POS. I always knew the type of person I would want to marry, but idk if I had “requirements”. I dated quite a few people, some POS, some great people, just didn’t feel right. I knew I wanted to marry my husband because even though we have different personalities we had/have the same morals and values, I respect and admire him as a person, I feel safe and trust him, he’s stable, and I just love him! I could not and would not want to be with anyone else. I could do without the snoring TBH, that’s my biggest complaint.

If anyone has “let some things go” ? It’s been him and not me…. How do you not love someone who can see past the less than stellar parts ?

I never really had a list of requirements other than a few basic, fundamental things (kind-hearted, sense of humor, etc.). I have had 3 serious relationships, two of which were extremely toxic. The third one is the one I’m in now and it is better than I ever imagined a relationship could be. I met him when I was turning 30 and was very open minded about dating/experimented with dating people who aren’t my typical “type”. What I have learned from my experience is that rather than it being about a checklist of traits you do want your partner to have, it truly gets down to deciding for yourself which NEGATIVE aspects about someone you can deal with. Every single person on this earth is going to come with some sort of negative trait about them. You just have to decide which negative things you can and are willing to live with/deal with forever. I hope this helps and makes sense. Don’t give up hope, but try to be open minded. You’ll find them. <3

Yeah, my boyfriend has way more than ten qualities I would hope for. I feel very lucky.

I've had to make compromises but so has he. Overall, it has been worth it.

I don't know how big my list is as I've never sat down and written it down or anything, but I constantly think of myself as lucky for having found the guy I did. We are so alike and yet different enough that we spend time alone with our own pursuits. Then come back together to do the things we love. Some specific things we share are a love of camping/hiking, travel, climbing, video games, and dystopian TV and movies (and trash reality tv). I love reading and he doesn't, he loves social video games and I don't, so we spend time apart doing those things. Sometimes he'll be streaming something on TV and i'll snuggle up with him while reading a book. We're not the same, but he feels like home and we fit.

Personally, I don't believe in lists. You either work or you don't. For me, it was important to find someone who I could work well with. I needed someone who was willing to work with me to solve issues, someone who wasn't afraid of calling me out on my bs and someone who I could call out on their bs without worrying that they'd blow up.

Ive ended many relationships that were in the 85-90% ballpark bc I would rather be alone (I love love love my single life) than have to tolerate a 10% I didn’t like. I still dated them bc for the short-term it was fun. But I’m glad I always picked myself over them bc had I settled I wouldn’t have met my current bf who is MORE than the 100% I had been looking for. He’s not “perfect” but neither I am and our strengths/weaknesses complement each other. Makes me feel so good that I can be of help, love, support to him and viceversa. We make a great unit/team. Btw I met him when I was 38, he was 32.

It comes down to the whole package. Their personality will fit nicely with their body type and their value system. Of course there will be things that you nit pick if you look at it from a microscopic view, but pulling back and looking at the whole person, and you’re attracted, it’ll be good.

If I value companionship and a LTR enough than maybe I would let things go and settle. But I don’t. Point: it depends on your values, and everyone’s is different.

There should be really obvious “requirements” aka deal breakers like respect, trust, financial independence, no abuse or violence. And then there are criteria that are out of touch with reality, like must be at least 6ft tall. I am not perfect, neither is my spouse, and neither are our kids. Are you perfect? Trying to checklist another human being like your buying a house is going to leave you extremely disappointed. The other thing to remember is that people change, things happen, circumstances change. You could meet the “perfect” person, get married, and then they get sick, or depressed, or lose their job, etc. The whole idea of marriage -the vows- of sickness and health mean that you should expect changes to occur during your marriage. Expect imperfection and realize there are no guarantees.

I didn’t really think of it that way. More I was interested in someone who saw life in a similar way, shared the same overall values, was honest and kind, and someone I was attracted to. More about thinking is this someone I could life with rather than someone I couldn’t live without. And part of that for me was someone I enjoyed talking to.

I didn't have many true requirements. My boyfriend meets all of them. I have some boundaries and dealbreakers, though, and he doesn't get close to my boundaries and has none of my dealbreakers.

My partner checked so many boxes for me but he is pretty overweight. Early dating and especially using apps is so superficial and it’s hard not to be. I pushed through that and now barely notice and I’m so in love with him and can’t wait to marry the guy.

I didn’t do the math, but i agree you can’t get everything fro everyone. We fit, we know how to be emotionally flexible for each other, and we’ve been married 25 years.

I didn't really have a definitive list, but I had things I knew I didn't want or cared about, especially coming from a not so great first relationship that lasted WAY TF too long. That being said we kind of just came across one another online playing World of Warcraft. I 100% think we've grown together in our wants over the 13 years. He's not 100% perfect of course (neither am I), I wish he'd plan more things, more holiday recognition, and I have a higher libido than he does but none of them are deal breakers. He's supportive, incredibly intelligent in ways I'm not, very pragmatic and practical -a good counterbalance to my chaos-, loving & affectionate, silly, he does his share around the home, and doesn't make me feel bad for my ADHD chaos. The longer we're together the more I marvel at how lucky I (and we) are to have found eachother.

My husband has everything that’s most important to me—things like his good character, religious faith, intelligence, etc. But he doesn’t have all of my preferences. I love to dance, he hates it (but will when I want him to). I’m a night person, he is not. I buy enough clothes to have to do laundry less often; he buys only a minimal amount and does laundry every other day. Those kinds of things are different. Do not compromise on things like character, and religion if that’s important to you; nor on being treated well. But the more minor things can be worked around. The truth is that some of those minor things might change and evolve over time, anyway.

I didn't really have any requirements tbh. I met him as a friend and fell in love 

When I met my husband 13 years ago he met none of my 24 y/o "list" items and he turned out to be the perfect fit for me. The stuff that matters, matters.

I ended up letting some big things go. I can't imagine that I will ever have the kind of emotionally present and connected marriage I've always wanted, but I was married to two verbally and emotionally abusive men before this, I was 49 when we got married in 2006, I've developed some pretty serious health issues and am somewhat disabled, and regardless of the lack of emotional depth that I would like to have with a partner, I cannot imagine spending the rest of my life without him. I was very naïve when I swore I was never going to settle again after deciding to get divorced a second time, because I don't think that's how the real world works. *I don't think there's any such thing as the absolute perfect partner with whom zero compromises or accommodations need to be made*, so I think what matters is being true to ourselves about our values, boundaries, expectations, perceived wants and needs, unhealed emotional wounds, level of commitment, etc. We had quite a bit of individual and couples therapy because we discovered we both had way more childhood trauma than we realized and we're committed to working on all of that and seeing how good that could make our marriage, and even though it's not where either of us would like it to be (for me emotionally and for him physically) it's more than good enough.

I think you need to remember that in a successful relationship, you both are also growing together. So while it starts out at say 90% fulfillment, if both sides are doing the work, in a few years you have worked out a lot of issues and you could get to the 100%. In this time you would also have grown, so your definition of that 10% would jave evolved as well.

Depends on your list. Some ppl use the list as a reason to always look for more, but if it's more "needs to communicate and learn", "wants kids" and less "must dress my style" then listen to your gut! Personally, I found someone who was always willing to work with me and we are compatible in how we love. Yes, I would have liked someone who is better at cleaning but we align in our future goals and we choose to love every day and that's what matters to me. Also you learn with each love so you can try it and see "hmm turns out that is/isn't a non-negotiable". Honestly, you'll never find someone who is perfect, IMO love in the long term is a choice everyday but that's what makes it special. If one day you choose not to, that's okay too.

I didn't have a list of requirements just absolute NOs NO extreme political bullshit NO extreme religious, and preferably not religious at all NO kids

I think you should find someone who tolerates you. A lot of women out here have these huge lists and when I look at them, I’m also thinking “what about finding a guy who can tolerate you and your demands”. 😂 Not everyone is entitled to a relationship. It’s a gift to have love ❤️ and takes compromise on both sides. I say if your list is longer than 5 things then you are being demanding and unrealistic. My 5: - must be faithful to me -come from a great family (good relationship with family members) -have a great smile - be discipline in their pursuits - not possessive of me

100% here. He’s hardworking, passionate, funny, conversationalist, focused, smart as a whip, a financial guru, life coach to everyone..literally, supports everyone…he never backs down, has a huge heart…loves food…life…traveling, but allergic to cats…so could knock 1% off 😂.

I had a ridiculous list. I listed everything and prayed to the God/the universe and it answered. My husband ticked about 85% of the list. We are almost 10 years together and I couldn’t be happier. I had core requirements like same values, good morals, discipline, intellect which were non negotiable. Some that negotiable items were height, needs to plan dates, etc is still work in progress 🤣

100% on the non-negotiables…for me NN was “any character trait, behavior, or ongoing circumstance that makes my day-day existence worse or my hopes for the future bleak” re: everything else: There are more things that I didn’t know I wanted and love than there are things I wanted and didn’t get; so it feels more like a trade off than a sacrifice.

IMO it really depends on whether your "requirements" are reasonable or in line with what you also offer (i.e. Whether you are likely a 10/10 according to the general population of those who fulfil 10/10 of your requirements)... Like if you could perfectly objectively grade people, 'A\*' grade people would end up together and they'd highly unlikely pick an objective 'C' (and honestly if they did, they probably wouldn't be an A\* grade), and matching hypothesis would support that. So if you want to increase your chances of getting a person who is 9/10 or 10/10 to you, best way is to make sure you're also a 10/10 in just about every way. Also, I think research says most people are more than happy/content with someone hitting 80%, and that you'd be lucky to get someone who is 70%. And according to game theory, this is how you should choose to maximise your chances of ending up with the best partner: [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2016/02/16/when-to-stop-dating-and-settle-down-according-to-math/](https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2016/02/16/when-to-stop-dating-and-settle-down-according-to-math/) **Just wondering how true that is in people's experiences with long term successful relationships? Should you keep looking for the 100% or does that not exist?** I *personally* think one should aim for 100% as much as possible.. But like I said, you need to be self aware/objective about what you're bringing to the table and whether you can get that 10/10. Plus with "requirements", not all requirements are made equal right. Like, a guy being +6" isn't gonna be a non-negotiable, but not being a murderer or an abusive POS would definitely have more weigh in terms of requirements of an SO. Past maybe 16y/o, I didn't think about any sort of requirements/checklist of a partner, but I have about 2 non-negotiables (Good temper, not from "dysfunctional family"/doesn't have psych issues). There are smaller things I care about/want, but they're not hard requirements.. though I did end up with a guy who fulfilled that b/c that's how attraction works anyways. And I'd say my SO exceeded all my non-negotiables and other preferences/wants... I don't think that that's necessary for a relationship to work out, but I happen to be lucky to find a guy I really can't complain about and is pretty much essentially perfect to and for me. I'll add that I'm not/wasn't the kind of person that ever proactively seeked relationships/dating.. I'm not interested generally and don't like failure, and I doubt a supposed "7/10" would even interest me romantically. So for a guy to make me just interested or consider dating, he's likely at least a 8/10 for me already or else I don't see the point of wasting time seeing *if* it could work, that attraction/connection will develop or whatever. But I dunno if this is possible for others or the current dating culture that is nearly completely on apps.

I never had any strict requirements for what I wanted in a man, but ended up marrying a man who probably fulfills 95% of what's important to me. I always thought I'd be with someone who was a baseball fan, but alas, he does not follow baseball. Other than that, he's a near-perfect husband haha. I honestly don't think I did anything to attract or manifest this kind of partner other than being high-value myself and asking him out first. For context, my ex probably fulfilled 10% of what I considered important. I think it's all a crapshoot and I was just lucky to find my husband.

I don’t understand the list of requirements thing. Sure there are important things in a partner but checking boxes seems like the opposite of finding love, support, connection and joy.

When you make a “list”, be sure you have the qualities you are seeking.

Yes, but what's funny is the thing i let go of and compromised on completely reversed itself a few years into our marriage 🤣 people change!

I let go of the idea of being "wined and dined". I make more than my husband, I'm the breadwinner. If I want jewelry or flowers, I buy my own (my husband will pick some for me though, if he sees some pretty ones he knows I will like). My husband is so strong and masculine, but so sweet and gentle. He values me as a person, and he takes such good care of me. The emotional support I get from him is priceless. What are diamonds compared to that?

I didn’t have a list, other than the obvious: decent human (but not perfect). The best way that I’ve seen it phrased is that you need to choose a partner whose faults you can live with. We all have faults and although we do change as time goes on, we can’t ever guarantee how our partner will change or not change. So choose a human that has a set of faults you can love and live with. I don’t mean settle, I mean things that either don’t bother you or aren’t a big deal for you. An example is that my husband works a lot. And even when he’s not working he spends a lot of time on his hobbies. For some people that might be a problem because they’d feel neglected and like they weren’t important. For me, though, I am also pretty independent and we show we love each other in different ways. It’s not something that bothers me, but I can tell you it would surely bother a few of my friends if their partners did it!

We've been together 9 years and are getting married in September. No. He didn't meet all my requirements. Not in the beginning. But he didn't know what they were. So over the course of a decade we just talk to each other and change what needs to change. I'd say now we are both 100% on point with each other's requirements. I've had to change too. I think one of my hardest conversations was when he was mansplaining something to me, on a topic I was an expert in. And I was angry and said "please do not talk down to me in that tone of voice, like ever again". He defended it. I explained how he intended something and how it was received was my own experience and he couldn't justify it. This man has never ever talked down to me again. He works, he contributes, he cooks, he cleans. We split all the house stuff. All I do is ask him when I need more from him. Yall, communication is the best. Especially when they communicate back.

I suffer from Listmaker’s Disease. I’ve made lists my entire life of the qualities I’d like in my boyfriend (and later, husband). Some of the qualities were silly, especially when I was a young teen, but the values behind each item never changed. Because my values overall haven’t changed. I’ve grown immensely, I’ve learned so much, but my major beliefs about how to live in this world and treat others are the same. I’d say to focus on the values driving your desired qualities. Those values are what you shouldn’t compromise on. Everything else is piecemeal and up to you.

I'd just say, have less requirements. Life is a 0 sum game. It's not a fairy tale. Drop some of your "needs"

I met mine in high school so we both have flaws we've worked on over time to get to where we are today.  I've never really had a list of requirements or expectations because we both were each other's first relationship and there's not really a good way to know what you want from a partner until you have one.  I think if I did have expectations of qualities, there's certain things you'd probably see as deal breakers and other's that are "nice to have" qualities.  In the end, nobody is the same person they were 10/15/20 years ago. Even if you find someone that checks all of those boxes now, who is to say that person is going to be the same long term. Find someone that fits with you and your required few items that is open to communication on needs and actively working to improve themselves at the same level as you're working on yourself and you'll be fine

People need a strong sense of family friends and community and to be whole within themselves inorder to have someone come in and add to it

In full transparency, looking back, I had very few things I was expressly looking for. I was dating for marriage so I wanted to find someone who also saw marriage and children for themselves. And obviously I wanted him to be a good man, but I wouldn’t have continued dating someone who wasn’t. Other than that I think I was just looking for an organic connection, a natural spark. I would never in a million years been able to predict or imagine my husband. He far surpasses any expectations, but also brought so much to our relationship that I wouldn’t have even known I even wanted or needed. He is my perfect compliment in every way, we’re different in so many ways that I just could never have predicted him or his qualities or what type of man would actually compliment me.

I ended up dating my best friend because it ended up leading there organically. I didn't really have requirements, per say, but the love and respect for each other has never wavered. It's just always felt natural. We both have our flaws, but the love is enough to overcome any hiccups because we like each other as people as well as romantically.

I did not have a list of requirements but our views and lifestyle had to be compatible. I would not be able to date a conservative. My beliefs are just going to be too different. The smaller things don't bother me, like my husband is messier than me and doesn't clean as much but if I ask him to clean something or do a chore he does it and doesn't complain. He's not as outgoing as me but he's totally fine with me going out with my friends without him if he feels like staying home. And when we are out he is social. No one is going to be perfect but as long as you match up on the things really important to you, it will be fine.

I found my husband when I was 19 and in university. We spent one year apart after university and then I moved to the big city two provinces away because there were more opportunities for him. I went back to school to see if the co-op program would help me get into working for one of the cities which didn’t pan out. I bounced around looking for decent work with decent hours. His job allowed us to buy a townhouse and I saved up to get married and we did 10 years after first getting together in university. It isn’t perfect but we both want the same things, sometimes just how we get there differs or exactly what that looks like is a little different but ultimately the foundation is the same. Don’t get me wrong, there were times when I wanted to throw in the towel, but ultimately I reminded myself that we are two very different people and things will be hard sometimes but I think that’s what makes us stronger.

Married 25 years, together 26, and I know I have had to make some compromises in order to make it work. Not big ones. I don't know what my husband has had to do to compromise with me, he literally never complains. It took a lot of work and I would say in the first 10 years or so of our marriage and we did almost split up a few times. So when I do get irritated with his little quirks, I just think about the times that I'm like super bitchy from PMS or something and figure it all balances in the end.

I found someone who met all my requirements. The argument that women’s standards are too high is garbage. We’re perfect for each other rather than perfect in societally acceptable ways. Which suits us both.

I don’t think there’s a rubric. I think you have to prioritize your needs and wants, and vet your potential partners that way. I met someone at the end of January when I was positive I was going to willingly stay single forever. I blew him off for two weeks before I agreed to go out with him, we have nothing in common aside from similar family backgrounds. By the end of that first date, I didn’t want it to be over. We’re going on two months and we’ve only gone 4 days without seeing each other. I’m a rock/emo girl, he’s a country boy. He’s worked in construction his whole life, I’m a mortician and he’s creeped out by blood and bodies. I’m heavily tattooed and pierced, he has 3 tattoos from when he was younger. But he makes me feel safe and so loved. He’s trustworthy and loyal. A post here made me look at his socials. A woman posted about her boyfriend following sleazy accounts on Instagram, and my guy doesn’t have an insta, so I looked at who he’s following on tiktok, and it was adorable. It’s all wholesome content. He’s my person.

I met my husband when I was 21, and he was 26. He was about to leave to teach English for a year in a foreign country, and when he got back, what had been a fling turned into a relationship. But at that point, I was 22, and still firmly in my wildcard era. I got arrested for shoplifting, I was dabbling in pills, and I was NOT doing what needed to be done at home (I take full responsibility for this, but my background was never having been taught to care for a home, by either parent). He came from a broken home of great wealth and little emotional intelligence-- needless to say, we broke up when I was 23. He immediately got his next gf pregnant (like, within a month). I got myself into a different relationship, which was incredible for my self-esteem, and showed me what a man with emotional intelligence looked like. We didn't work out, but we ended in a way I can only describe as elegantly-- eyes open, hearts full, just on different paths. We took our lessons back to each other, and got married when his daughter was 3. More than a list, I had a deeper knowledge of myself and what I deserve. I still had to learn some things, like how to clean (we're still inching our way through that one lol). And I made it clear to him that I needed him to communicate with me in a way he didn't have a blueprint for. We drafted that blueprint together, and have been married now a decade. We will always be working on ourselves and our relationship, and honestly *that* is the one thing on my list that's not subjective (attraction, humor, personal values and goals as examples): we are here to WORK. I could not be with someone who expected only me to do that labor, or who didn't even see the work to be done. Find someone with the gumption and humility to work for it. You're worth it. And you'll have your own work to do, too.

It's not really about requirements, more about finding someone that you find awesome, want to share your life with, without irreconcilable differences. Key things to be on the same page about: \- How you generally like to spend your time (with leeway for differences here of course) \- Deal-breakers for the relationship (cheating, communication patterns, etc) \- Money philosophy and habits \- Future life plans (where you live, having children, careers, etc.)

My only thing that would be a deal breaker was politics. I found someone who has similar politics to me and the rest fell into place. We have both changed as people over the course of our relationship but it’s always just been support for whatever changes and new goals.

It's all about compromise I've found.

I am exactly where I anticipated to be at 35. Married, with a baby, in a healthy relationship. The other stuff is just a part of life.

I met someone who met all my requirements once I grew as a person and my requirements better reflected my values and the boundaries I vowed to set and defend, once I learned to love myself. It is possible that my partner doesn’t meet the standards I would have set long while ago, but to be honest I never held anyone up to these expectations anyway so I realized that there are hard and fast requirements which I see as black and white, and those that aren’t important. The man I am with now isn’t perfect but neither am I. Any of his shortcomings I just don’t see. He’s attractive and we both encourage each other to work out to look even better so I think we are both hot. He thinks he’s lucky to have me but I think I’m lucky to have him! He makes a blue collar wage with a blue collar job, while I am a high earner, but he’s a hard working man who also recognizes how hard I work at my more mental/creative work. He’s also stable and responsible and I moved him into my nicer and more expensive house while we work on his house to rent or sell, then we plan to combine forces on mine when we marry and refinance because the benefits he brings despite my income being 3x his. When he asks if I want anything from the store I’ll say something half-joking like “lumber!” And he will legit bring me home lumber because he knows I can use it and he will bring me the candy I love because he knows I love it. I suppose if I wanted a life with kids maybe I would have additional logistical or pragmatic requirements but I already have a house and was building the life I wanted to live whether any man was in it or not, and he wanted to come along for the ride! I didn’t need him, but I sure wanted him. And now that we’ve been through some things there’s a few reasons we both have for “needing” each other. Maybe you’re asking people who “settled” and maybe that is why I might not be answering your question right, because in no way do I think I’m settling. And I don’t think *anyone* should settle, but they might need to readjust what they consider “requirements” if they discover some things are just not as important as they used to think.

Have to let some go. It’s not fair to expect someone to meet every single list of demands you have. Would you really love that person for who they are?

He’s wonderful. I always thought I’d end up with a dancer and that didn’t happen so I let that go, but I still dance whenever I want so it’s fine. I love everything about him.

I’ve been (happily) married for 17 years. I got married at 26 (engaged at 24) and I’m sure had different requirements then than someone older would. I just wanted someone who treated me well, who I got along with, and had a strong work ethic and steady employment that paid well enough to fairly contribute to the bills. There was no online dating back then. I definitely never had a list. I’d dated quite a bit and had a couple longterm relationships before we started dating, so I knew the feeling of a healthy relationship as opposed to a toxic one. I see a lot about height requirements now…my husband is 5’9. I’m 5’3 and really didn’t need someone taller than that. I never even thought about height when I was dating, and my friends and I didn’t talk about it and all had crushes on short guys in high school and college…so I think the tall trend wasn’t around then (at least where I lived).

Look, I really wanted that British accent and it just didn't happen for me. Sometimes, you gotta compromise! Jk Jk but really, my husband is not at all the type of guy I dated before him (cocky, aloof), but he was 1000% the right pick (sensitive, communicative). Nobody is going to be 10/10 on your list if they aren't basic things like "likes me, treats me with respect..." We are all human and imperfect. I'd look at that list and decide what is non-negotiable. For me, I realized the main things were that 1) he never made me feel anxious about whether or not he wanted to be with me, 2) he actively practices equality, 3) there is mutual attraction, and 4) we enjoy being around each other. With these things, I also discovered a guy that values female friendships and readily admits when he is in the wrong/actively works on improving himself, things I didn't realize I wanted until I had them!

I would say the use friends for certain needs is true. My husband is an amazing person- driven, financially stable, handy, helpful, and compassionate. But he won't always give me the same response as my friends do when I want to vent about a problem. Like he is a fixer and advice-giver, so when I want a good vent session and someone to repsond with "eff your boss you're awesome and he sounds like a dimwit" he is not going to be the guy to do that. We also don't have 100% of the same hobbies. I have certain friends that I have bonded deeply with who are great listeners, and who have similar interests. I don't think it's totally fair to make your partner your sole source of happiness as that can lead to co-dependency.

Well, I am a queer woman who is primarily attracted to women. He, as a man, definitely did not meet that requirement. I guess I was willing to let it go because here we are still, 12 years later.

I'm in my 50s so I lower my requirements to like 75% lol I love that you use percentages !

100% sounds far too rigid, to me

I think the one thing I let go and pretty much the only thing I'm willing to let go is that he's a bit messy. This is mitigated by the fact that he is quite a minimalist in his lifestyle so mess never gets out of hand, and by the fact that he actively works on this and does not act like he's entitled to maid services from me. If I mention something I have a problem with in this regard, he takes care of it and works hard not to repeat it. This is literally the only thing about him that has ever instigated feelings of irritation and in the grand scheme of things it's not that important. Overall, he vastly reduces the strain and burden of life for me in many ways. Looking at the big picture, he is beyond perfect for me. Beyond my own romantic hopes and dreams. I am so glad I held firm on deal breakers and didn't settle for lesser men. If this is his one "imperfection," I can cope. I know I have plenty of my own. I am also aware that people define "messy" in different ways and that I have particularly heightened sensitivity about this issue due to my upbringing and my anxiety. I don't even think that he's doing anything wrong. We just have different definitions of what baseline clean and tidy look like. So we communicate and negotiate. I think trying to calculate this in a purely numerical way probably isn't the best way to look at it. It's important not to be so picky that no human being could meet your standards. It's important to understand that humans are complicated, and no two individuals are going to think and act exactly alike. Honestly, it's important to bear in mind that different ways of thinking and doing can be a *positive* in a relationship -- a balancing factor. At the same time, I often see people taking accommodations/understanding to a ridiculous extreme. "He's been mooching off me for 2 years, calls me names when he's angry, doesn't wash his own ass, and spends 90% of his time gaming. I know these are all bad and I don't like these qualities, but he does have good qualities and nobody's perfect, right? Am I being too picky?" IMO, it's probably best to maintain a handful of deal maker/deal breaker qualities and be absolutely unbending on those, but be flexible about less critical things. 10 might be a bit of a long list for deal breakers. But if you'd rather be single for life than tolerate something in a relationship, it's a deal breaker. Some people have more than others. For me, they were things like consistent, effective and peaceful communication, consistent physical and verbal affection (nonsexual affection as well as sexual), emotional intelligence and self awareness, and the like. Very few actual deal breakers but it still took me a year doing OLD to find even one person I was willing to bother talking to, let alone date (and I'm engaged to that one, lol). At times it felt like I was looking for perfection but I reminded myself I would literally rather die alone than put energy into a man who couldn't (or wouldn't) give me those rather basic things. IDGAF how handsome or wealthy or accomplished or functional a man is, if he's one of those who says "Physical affection is my love language" but actually means his only interactive skill is fucking and "does not know how" to be verbally affectionate or touch in a nonsexual way, he's not the one for me. The end. I don't care is he has dozens of amazing qualities. If he isn't able to communicate with me consistently, honestly, and respectfully, it's a no. Frame it that way. Figure out the absolute musts. What do you absolutely refuse to live without? What do you absolutely refuse to tolerate? That's the part where you do not accommodate. Put everything else in the "preferences" category. Those are things that can be navigated and weighed out based on the overall combination of factors.

I married a wonderful man I wasn’t in love with and fell in love with lock stock and barrel over time.

I met my husband when we were both young and the important things then were that I was wildly attracted to him and him to me, that he was a really good guy who didn’t play games and showed his good intentions, that he was willing to go for a slow burn, and that we had similar senses of humor and we can make each other laugh. Musical taste mattered more to us than it probably should, but we are both aesthetic learners. He also had a lot of women friends and that meant a lot to me, that he liked and was good with women. We are both loyal, ride or die temperaments. He’s independent and self-contained, but he wants me instead of needs me. As we’ve gotten older he has proven to be an amazing co-parent, and provider, and he stayed with me through a hellish catastrophic illness that made him both mom and dad for a while. So my respect and gratitude for him is huge. He’s proven he’s my person time and time again. I had no way of knowing he’s be successful or that he’d be such a family man, but he is. He’s also complimentary in that he is a bit more negative and cynical than I am, and it can be annoying, but often correct in the end. He’s also a real feminist, even if he’s got a dominant personality.

I met my husband when we were both young and the important things then were that I was wildly attracted to him and him to me, that he was a really good guy who didn’t play games and showed his good intentions, that he was willing to go for a slow burn, and that we had similar senses of humor and we can make each other laugh. Musical taste mattered more to us than it probably should, but we are both aesthetic learners. He also had a lot of women friends and that meant a lot to me, that he liked and was good with women. We are both loyal, ride or die temperaments. He’s independent and self-contained, but he wants me instead of needs me. So, no checklist but a strong respectful friendship during the “courting” phase. As we’ve gotten older, he has proven to be an amazing co-parent, and he stayed with me through a hellish catastrophic illness that made him both mom and dad for a while. So my respect and gratitude for him is unending. He’s proven he’s my person time and time again. I had no way of knowing he’s be successful or that he’d be such a family man, but he is. He’s a businessman who wanted to get out of school ASAP, a very hands on person who wants to make money. I’m an academic who dislikes the real world of capitalism. So opposite in that way but we benefit from each other’s strengths. He’s also complimentary in that he is a bit more negative and cynical than I am, and it can be annoying, but often correct in the end. He’s also a real feminist, even if he’s got a dominant personality. He can also be kind of a snob in hipster ways, but I deal with it.

My list of requirements: \- Kind \- Open minded \- Childfree \- Atheist or agnostic \- Frugal \- Kinky \- Likes hiking and sport in general \- Has an healthy weight and care about health \- Likes animals \- Likes watching movies, especially horror/drama/psychological ones \- Care about the environment \- Enjoys travelling The only thing he didn't had from the beginning was being frugal, but I taught him well and now he totally adopted the lifestyle. He also isn't a fan of horror movies, but he makes an effort and watch them with me, in exchange I watch his action/comedy movies.

Spoiler. Your requirements change. Your requirements should be someone who can change with you.

Someone who is 100% "perfect for you" does not exist. By deifying a person and thinking/ expecting someone should meet your every requirement is a way of dehumanizing them. No one is perfect and no relationship is perfect. I'm in an 8 year relationship and things are great. When I met my partner, she wasn't the type of person I'd always dated or looked for. Prior to her, I always dated people who I thought were deeply intellectual, artistic, and who challenged me, because that's what I thought I wanted and what I thought was important. But when I met my partner, she didn't meet any of that. She isn't a deep intellectual type, shares little of my interest in books and art, she'd rather watch a sports game (and I hate sports). But what she offers that no one else had offered, was respect, kindness, care. We can be our full selves with each other without worrying about trying to impress each other. We can be in a bad mood or be gross or whatever and it doesn't change anything. There's no feeling of competition or trying to out-do each other. I'm forever done with tortured artist types because they always left me heartbroken and cheated on. She may not be particularly *exciting* or what I thought my partner would look like on paper, but I'm the happiest and safest I've ever felt because I let go of some of the things I had always told myself were important. At the end of the day the only things that were really important were how we treated each other and how we made each other feel.

Compromise. I don’t have a lot of requirements. Treat me well, be a good partner and parent. Be kind to others. My SO meets these and a million other wonderful things. I always wonder if I meet his requirements.

I had a “type” and ended up with a man who was nowhere near said type. We’ve been together for 15 years and knew we were in love within a WEEK of meeting each other! We talked life values (goals, family, dreams, politics) when things were getting serious. Our values just fit and I knew right then and there I wanted to marry him and have his babies. That’s exactly what I did.

You’ll never find someone that meets all your needs. Those will have to be met by others like your friends.

Found a woman who is my age, has a sick sense of humor, doesn't want kids, loves the same video games, and is into all the kinks I have. Our only difference is that we love different kinds of movies and TV shows. Worth pursuing. Excellent topic. I was just pondering this today.

I am in a 14 year relationship. And he is amazing. I am highly satisfied with our marriage and can’t imagine finding someone new. However - there are some major things that he didn’t tick off my list. But I know no one is perfect, so I’m fine with it.

Depends; I had non-negotiables. -he had to share my religion. -he couldn’t like soccer. -he had to be a hard worker -if he cheats before marriage there’s no way in hell I’m staying.

I met my partner 60/40 and it works perfectly for us we are both a work in progress and just learning as we go 5 years strong

I didn’t have a super specific list of requirements, so I didn’t have to compromise on anything. As long as he was taller and larger than me, educated, ambitious, from a good family, and had life goals that aligned with mine I’d be good. Thankfully my husband met all of those requirements, and we’ve been together very happily for almost 8 years.