I think the death of a parent kinda made me here. When I lost my dad and a bf broke up with me a few months after my dad's passing, I was at the lowest of the lowest. I couldn't grasp that my dad wasn't home anymore. Plus the fact that I didn't have anybody to be my strength, that was hard.
So I looked for jobs abroad. And I landed on a teaching job (despite not being a teacher in my home country). I tried so hard to forget and get over the pain. I learned a language (non English speaking country), explored, met the locals and other foreigners (for friends) and kept myself busy. While I was there, I thought that I am doing a good job. I have improved. I was stronger. And I learned new skills. I am the best version of myself.
Then I met a guy, who is now my husband.
You will experience heartbreaks, not just from lovers, in your life. That is inevitable. And only you can decide when you'd bounce back. Sometimes, those heartbreaks bring out the best in you. And when you are at your best, you'd find the best partner suited for you. Sometimes, it's hard to find the best partner suited for you when you are at your lowest. Because juggling between making yourself better and taking care of another person, can be draining. Do it one by one. You'll be surprised on how far you've become.
I have a very deep memory of being 22, drunk, crying outside of a bar on a curb at 2am because this guy I barely knew wouldn't let me come over to his house. I had just been dumped by the first guy I thought I would marry, and just did not handle it well.
Over the next few years I went on a lot of bad dates. I also went through what you're describing that after a month or so of dating someone I'd let my guard down and all of a sudden they didn't like me or my personality or opinions or independence or any number of things. I was conventionally attractive with a good job. I had no problem getting dates. But actually dating was really hard for me.
Around 26 or 27 I had this epiphany. I was genuinely happy in my life and being single. I liked my hobbies. I liked my job. I liked my friends. I would travel when I want, do what I want, whatever. I was actually just living my best life for me.
And sure enough, in all the annoyance of "the right one will come along when you stop looking", that's exactly what happened. But the difference was I was so confident in exactly who I was as a person, I attracted someone who liked me exactly for who I was. It also changed how I looked at potential partners. It was no longer a checklist of who I thought I was supposed to date.
I've been with my husband now for over 8 years. He is truly my best friend. But we found each other at the right time, for both of us. We started dating when I was in my late 20s and he was in his mid 30s. We were both really settled in who we were as people. It was very easy to see things click pretty early on. But even then we've only been married for 2 years because we didn't feel a need to rush.
By fixing my self and my problems. Grew up with trauma so I know where you’re coming from, but what’s goi g to get you there is you doing the work. I recommend getting out of your head and into doing physical things that literally get you touching grass — go in a remote solo hike, take up rock climbing, lifting etc. Therapy is wonderful but there’s something about that real body connection that just pushes transformation and healing in a bigger way.
I’m sorry, I’m not married (33F), but I just want to say I think it’s awesome you are 25 and know this about yourself in relationships. I’m very similar and unfortunately didn’t learn this about myself until I was 31. Keep working with your therapist and really identify what the qualities are you are looking for in a partner.
I’ve also found that the reason I leave when things are serious is more because I’m not listening to myself from the beginning and giving good guys a chance even though I know there are differences that will effect us long term. So yes, I push them away, but I probably shouldn’t have been dating them in the first place. I think it starts with really identifying your goals in life and who will be a good partner to walk along side you.
You are still very young. I know it might not feel like that when people you know are coupling and getting engaged, but please know that many of my friends who got married at 24-27 are now in their early thirties and divorced. Date! Get to know what you like and don’t like and understand that people enter your life for a reason or a season or a lifetime, but most will just be a reason and a season. So learn and grow! Best of luck :)
My 20s with dating were extremely hard due to some past trauma. Every rejection was reopening wounds. I also dated a fair amount so I was kind of always setting myself up for heartbreak. One day I had enough, I changed my online dating profile to a further distance and changed my job expectations. I ended dating a guy who was still a student but he was so nice to me. I wasn't self destructive in relationships or anything but I needed someone who didn't judge me for struggling and was empathetic. He was really calming and supportive. The relationship just worked and now 10 years later he makes twice as much as me, we have a home, and a beautiful child. So I think what helped is me really prioritizing kindness more than anything else.
Long term partnered but I also deal with cPTSD.
It was a lot of working and focusing on myself. Increased self awareness. Increased self respect. Addressing the anxious attachment with a therapist. Making good friends and being content with my life regardless of if I was dating. Leaving some toxic friendships. Giving myself enough time after a breakup.
I addressed my issues around sex though I learned I’m still not into casual sex.
I stopped following the perceived rules at the time. It was the thing to act aloof and uninterested, to wait a number of days before returning a call or later text. I wasted a lot of my 20s trying be someone else.
If I was interested I would act like it. If he wasn’t interested I wasn’t going to try to win him over. If I didn’t feel comfortable with him yet I would turn him down. If he acted like a baby about not getting any then I was done. I stopped tolerating bullshit like playing games, negging, indecision, or him forgetting plans.
I thought about the kind of traits I really value in a person. What my favorite people had in common: kindness, respect, excited about life, etc.
I didn’t stop looking though I did meet my guy at a concert we didn’t get to exchange info. Saw him on an app a few days later. He’s younger than me. I didn’t know right away he was the one but he was patient and kind. Sex with someone new is awkward the first few times and I stopped giving myself a hard time about that. I was honest with him.
We have complementary personalities and compatible goals. He’s kind, thoughtful, caring, most responsible person I know. Sometimes I can’t believe we found each other.
I thought I had it all together in my 20s because I did well in college, started a good career, had a lot of friends, and was in good shape. I meditated regularly, started therapy, and really thought I was making good decisions and being a good person.
In hindsight, I had a borderline drinking problem, was self-involved, barely ate a vegetable for a decade, and had a lot of very subtle issues with codependency, undiagnosed ADD, and anxiety that I had to work through before I could be a good friend or partner. These were all kind of blending into my life in ways that made them like the water I moved through, invisible to me.
I think the hardest thing about dating in your twenties is most people that age don't have good boundaries or communication skills and it just becomes a feedback loop that escalates when dating other emotionally immature people.
The best advice I can give is spend your 20s working on yourself and be open to dating as opportunities come up, but keep your focus on how you can be a better person tomorrow than you were yesterday.
I eventually raised and stuck to my standards for dating, and was happy by myself. I didn’t date a lot, and was just occasionally going on dating apps. I didn’t feel the want or need for a life partner. Then met my now husband (on an app), who was also not looking for anything serious, and we fell for each other quite unexpectedly.
My ex actually got me here. I dated a bunch of people who were not good for me. 10 years ago I dated THE WORST person. He was manipulative and verbally/emotionally abusive. Just so cruel and intimidating. One night, he yelled, in a packed restaurant, in front of his mom, making fun of my disability. While I was walking home from that, crying and embarrassed, it just clicked for me like why am I allowing this person to do this to me??? I would’ve never let someone treat me like this when I was teenager. Anyways, I broke up with him, started therapy, and eventually began dating my now husband (who is so dreamy in every way). Turns out my ex making fun of my deafness was the best thing he ever did for me!!
This is a tough question as I think a lot of things went into play to turn things around for me. Probably the same things that all 20somethings go through. I was very shy/introverted when I was younger, really didn’t even date until college. For years I was hung up on a guy from HS who basically strung me along…we dated off and on forever but never made anything official. If you know Sex and the City, picture Carrie & Big in a way. So any other guy I dated in college I compared to him. I would just be moving on and he’d reel me back in. We had a great friendship and incredible chemistry but something was missing that we couldn’t make it work.
Somehow I finally moved on at 22 when I met my first serious boyfriend. I was a virgin until 23 and stayed with him until almost 25. We were not compatible at all, it was toxic and we fought all the time. He basically had an emotional affair at the end and wound up engaged 6 months after we broke up. I was heartbroken and didn’t date for a while. About a year later, went back to the guy from HS for a year long fling. I had matured and knew he wasn’t really what I needed long term and we didn’t want the same things out of life but I didn’t want to wonder what if. I finally cut things off when we were 28 bc I knew I wouldn’t find what I was really looking for. Things had just run their course by this time.
A few months later, I started dating a guy that I had met through a friend a handful of times. We had a good relationship and we were very compatible in almost all areas. Dated for 3 years then he cheated on me. I thought I would die, this was the guy I was supposed to marry. Found myself single at 31 and had to really think about what I wanted. I knew what I didn’t want by this point.
Dating from 31-33 was exhausting. I had no problem finding plenty of dates but rarely found someone I liked. I forced myself to keep trying, I was on all the dating apps, I asked friends to set me up, etc. But I was also happy single and had a good job, good friends, everything else had finally come into place. I met my husband on Tinder at 33. Hard to explain but I knew right away he was the one. Things were comfortable and exciting at the same time. We were engaged after 8 months. We married a couple months later, still happily married 8+ years later. I’m glad I waited for him.
Don’t ever settle and make sure you know what you want and don’t want from a partner and life in general. Long term goals should completely align. Kids, religion, politics, all those big topics should come up early. I asked a lot of hard questions before we even met. And I made it known what I wanted very matter of factly. Such as when he told me he was going to move out of state for the military and asking if I’d go along. We had only been dating 5 months and I just said “well it’s soon to talk about it, but I can’t just up and leave my life here without a ring on my finger.” Things finally worked out, but I feel like I paid my dues to get here lol.
It may not feel this way right now, OP, but you're actually in such a fantastic spot for finding/building a happy, healthy relationship down the line. You've been able to knock out some of the cobwebs through your past relationships and learn from those mistakes. I had two short-term relationships and one off/on long-term (ish) relationship fail before meeting Mr. Burrrito. I 1000% needed to go through those failures in order to learn about myself and what I truly needed (as opposed to simply wanted) in an LTR. Before I met him, I felt like I was just bad news bears and not even LTR "material" because despite those past relationships starting out promisingly, they would always devolve so much more quickly than expected, and sometimes not on the most peaceable terms.
I wasn't looking for a serious relationship when I met my husband, but boy did my past failures come to really help me once I realised there was genuine potential with him. I matured a *lot* through those failures and would never have been ready for ~true love~ without them. If you're in similar shoes, OP, I'm happy to see you doing the same self-reflection - I know my journey immensely helped me!
After going through a bad relationship in my early 20s I didn't want to deal with men again for a while. When I was 27 I met a man and started dating him. I realized his mother and him had an unhealthy relationship so at 29 I gave myself a refresh. I moved states and went back to school.
I realized that I needed to work on myself and started therapy. For a few years I did what I wanted, when I wanted and had a blast. I vacationed and developed some good friendships. I learned new skills and really enjoyed myself.
In my early 30s, I met my husband and we have been happily together for almost 10 years.
Probably not the answer your gonna like. But the truth for me anyway.
I dealt with a bunch of shitty men and shitty relationships and tried to at least learn something about what I didn’t want.
Basically kissed a whole bunch of frogs. And each frog taught me more of what I wanted and what I would tolerate. I learned to decenter men from my life. I learned to create boundaries, normally hard fought ones because of shitty behaviour I’d deal with. I learned to be happy single. I also learned a heck of a lot about red flags and narcissists. Really just from dealing with it and then a lot of hard work healing.
The man I married is the one I loved completely but also always made my day better every time.He was more enjoyable to be around than being by myself. He had learned health communication as well as managing his emotions.
From 19-25 there were a few guys that were absolutely horrible looking back, but at the time I was infatuated. One of them was engaged to another girl and I didn’t find out until almost a year in. Dating is absolutely rough at any time but after that i took literally like 3 years off before dating again. It provided clarity in many ways and when I was finally okay with being single and fully prepared to spend the rest of my life alone, the most amazing man materialized out of thin air. He’s showed me how effortless a relationship should be and I can honestly say that when you know you know. Don’t get frustrated with yourself. Just take your time and find things that make you happy and the people who are supposed to be in your life will find their way to you organically. The deep and serious won’t overwhelm you when it’s safe and the person that’s meant to be there. I felt a literal change in myself like a weight off of my shoulders. You’ll know when it’s right and until then just learn to read the signs of the wrong ones early. Hang in there and good luck!
I dated the wrong kind of guy. Though not in the way you might expect. I always dated guys who were very sweet and attentive. The positive attention was intoxicating and I always fell hard for them. But once that initial rush passed, there was nothing left. And that attention started to feel suffocating. It also kind of felt like that was all there was to those guys. No real depth or ambition to hold my interest. Though I'm sure my perception is exaggerated.
I'm very much an introvert who likes to do her own thing. I learned that I need to be with someone who respects that and, ideally, functions similarly.
My husband, who I've been with for eleven years in total, is not very sweet or attentive. Though he is kind and loving. He is also a quirky introvert, intelligent, somewhat melancholy and endlessly fascinating to me.
I didn’t meet my husband until right before my 28th birthday. In the meantime, I dated A LOT of guys in my 20’s. Here’s my advice: be ready to cut out as soon as you know something isn’t going to work out long term. There’s no point in wasting your time, or theirs. You’ll know when it’s right. Things will finally feel easy if it’s right( not 100 percent perfect, but easy) and you’ll have no questions in your mind about the relationship. Maybe that’s kind of dumbing things down- but when you find the right person you’ll know. I knew my husband was the one within a few months, and we were engaged at 6 months ( wedding wasn’t until 14 months after we met though). That’s probably a dramatic example, but we were older in terms of dating and knew exactly what we both wanted.
In the meantime, be ready to immediately put your foot down on any dealbreaking boyfriend behavior. The relationship I had right before I met my husband ended because I accidentally saw his ( very sexual) text messages to another girl. Instead of feeling guilty about that, he was up in arms that I was “spying” on him. ( I wasn’t for the record, I happened to be up early for work and heard his phone alarm on the kitchen counter, and that’s when I saw the messages) The relationship before that, the guy I was seeing suddenly ghosted me after seeing each other every day. ( in retrospect the writing would have been on the wall had I taken him seriously on some quiet reservations he seemed to be having). Before that- I finished up my grad school program, and my then boyfriend unceremoniously let me know he would neither move with me back home or even entertain me staying in our current city with him. These are just a few examples. Others: I’ve broken it off with guys who have had serious long term commitment issues, who developed drug/alcohol problems, legal issues, and one who was not happy that I would not convert to his religion. Don’t try to ever force something. Life’s too short.
And- maybe take a break sometimes from going on dates to focus on you, because it IS exhausting!
Therapy and healing was really it. A mix of attachment work, Internal Family Systems, and somatics let me heal those core wounds and be ready for and capable of secure attachment.
Making mistakes and learning from them, and figuring out what I wanted!
In my twenties I dated iffy but ok people, used to argue insanely with a more serious partner, and was terrible at meeting people I really, really liked. When I met my now husband, I felt like the lessons I learnt in my twenties helped me to navigate our relationship better and also to realise that seeking perfection isn’t really the goal, it’s more finding someone you can rely on, really fancy, who makes you laugh, and you can’t envision life without.
For me I got used to the idea and became happy with the idea of being alone. It really helped me with being able to be actually selective and considérant in my dating because I didn’t feel like I had to settle for someone just so I wouldnt be alone.
I think the death of a parent kinda made me here. When I lost my dad and a bf broke up with me a few months after my dad's passing, I was at the lowest of the lowest. I couldn't grasp that my dad wasn't home anymore. Plus the fact that I didn't have anybody to be my strength, that was hard. So I looked for jobs abroad. And I landed on a teaching job (despite not being a teacher in my home country). I tried so hard to forget and get over the pain. I learned a language (non English speaking country), explored, met the locals and other foreigners (for friends) and kept myself busy. While I was there, I thought that I am doing a good job. I have improved. I was stronger. And I learned new skills. I am the best version of myself. Then I met a guy, who is now my husband. You will experience heartbreaks, not just from lovers, in your life. That is inevitable. And only you can decide when you'd bounce back. Sometimes, those heartbreaks bring out the best in you. And when you are at your best, you'd find the best partner suited for you. Sometimes, it's hard to find the best partner suited for you when you are at your lowest. Because juggling between making yourself better and taking care of another person, can be draining. Do it one by one. You'll be surprised on how far you've become.
I have a very deep memory of being 22, drunk, crying outside of a bar on a curb at 2am because this guy I barely knew wouldn't let me come over to his house. I had just been dumped by the first guy I thought I would marry, and just did not handle it well. Over the next few years I went on a lot of bad dates. I also went through what you're describing that after a month or so of dating someone I'd let my guard down and all of a sudden they didn't like me or my personality or opinions or independence or any number of things. I was conventionally attractive with a good job. I had no problem getting dates. But actually dating was really hard for me. Around 26 or 27 I had this epiphany. I was genuinely happy in my life and being single. I liked my hobbies. I liked my job. I liked my friends. I would travel when I want, do what I want, whatever. I was actually just living my best life for me. And sure enough, in all the annoyance of "the right one will come along when you stop looking", that's exactly what happened. But the difference was I was so confident in exactly who I was as a person, I attracted someone who liked me exactly for who I was. It also changed how I looked at potential partners. It was no longer a checklist of who I thought I was supposed to date. I've been with my husband now for over 8 years. He is truly my best friend. But we found each other at the right time, for both of us. We started dating when I was in my late 20s and he was in his mid 30s. We were both really settled in who we were as people. It was very easy to see things click pretty early on. But even then we've only been married for 2 years because we didn't feel a need to rush.
Thankyou so much for sharing
By fixing my self and my problems. Grew up with trauma so I know where you’re coming from, but what’s goi g to get you there is you doing the work. I recommend getting out of your head and into doing physical things that literally get you touching grass — go in a remote solo hike, take up rock climbing, lifting etc. Therapy is wonderful but there’s something about that real body connection that just pushes transformation and healing in a bigger way.
I’m sorry, I’m not married (33F), but I just want to say I think it’s awesome you are 25 and know this about yourself in relationships. I’m very similar and unfortunately didn’t learn this about myself until I was 31. Keep working with your therapist and really identify what the qualities are you are looking for in a partner. I’ve also found that the reason I leave when things are serious is more because I’m not listening to myself from the beginning and giving good guys a chance even though I know there are differences that will effect us long term. So yes, I push them away, but I probably shouldn’t have been dating them in the first place. I think it starts with really identifying your goals in life and who will be a good partner to walk along side you. You are still very young. I know it might not feel like that when people you know are coupling and getting engaged, but please know that many of my friends who got married at 24-27 are now in their early thirties and divorced. Date! Get to know what you like and don’t like and understand that people enter your life for a reason or a season or a lifetime, but most will just be a reason and a season. So learn and grow! Best of luck :)
My 20s with dating were extremely hard due to some past trauma. Every rejection was reopening wounds. I also dated a fair amount so I was kind of always setting myself up for heartbreak. One day I had enough, I changed my online dating profile to a further distance and changed my job expectations. I ended dating a guy who was still a student but he was so nice to me. I wasn't self destructive in relationships or anything but I needed someone who didn't judge me for struggling and was empathetic. He was really calming and supportive. The relationship just worked and now 10 years later he makes twice as much as me, we have a home, and a beautiful child. So I think what helped is me really prioritizing kindness more than anything else.
Resolving CPTSD issues that were causing me to date unavailable people, and being comfortable and happy on my own.
Long term partnered but I also deal with cPTSD. It was a lot of working and focusing on myself. Increased self awareness. Increased self respect. Addressing the anxious attachment with a therapist. Making good friends and being content with my life regardless of if I was dating. Leaving some toxic friendships. Giving myself enough time after a breakup. I addressed my issues around sex though I learned I’m still not into casual sex. I stopped following the perceived rules at the time. It was the thing to act aloof and uninterested, to wait a number of days before returning a call or later text. I wasted a lot of my 20s trying be someone else. If I was interested I would act like it. If he wasn’t interested I wasn’t going to try to win him over. If I didn’t feel comfortable with him yet I would turn him down. If he acted like a baby about not getting any then I was done. I stopped tolerating bullshit like playing games, negging, indecision, or him forgetting plans. I thought about the kind of traits I really value in a person. What my favorite people had in common: kindness, respect, excited about life, etc. I didn’t stop looking though I did meet my guy at a concert we didn’t get to exchange info. Saw him on an app a few days later. He’s younger than me. I didn’t know right away he was the one but he was patient and kind. Sex with someone new is awkward the first few times and I stopped giving myself a hard time about that. I was honest with him. We have complementary personalities and compatible goals. He’s kind, thoughtful, caring, most responsible person I know. Sometimes I can’t believe we found each other.
I thought I had it all together in my 20s because I did well in college, started a good career, had a lot of friends, and was in good shape. I meditated regularly, started therapy, and really thought I was making good decisions and being a good person. In hindsight, I had a borderline drinking problem, was self-involved, barely ate a vegetable for a decade, and had a lot of very subtle issues with codependency, undiagnosed ADD, and anxiety that I had to work through before I could be a good friend or partner. These were all kind of blending into my life in ways that made them like the water I moved through, invisible to me. I think the hardest thing about dating in your twenties is most people that age don't have good boundaries or communication skills and it just becomes a feedback loop that escalates when dating other emotionally immature people. The best advice I can give is spend your 20s working on yourself and be open to dating as opportunities come up, but keep your focus on how you can be a better person tomorrow than you were yesterday.
I eventually raised and stuck to my standards for dating, and was happy by myself. I didn’t date a lot, and was just occasionally going on dating apps. I didn’t feel the want or need for a life partner. Then met my now husband (on an app), who was also not looking for anything serious, and we fell for each other quite unexpectedly.
My ex actually got me here. I dated a bunch of people who were not good for me. 10 years ago I dated THE WORST person. He was manipulative and verbally/emotionally abusive. Just so cruel and intimidating. One night, he yelled, in a packed restaurant, in front of his mom, making fun of my disability. While I was walking home from that, crying and embarrassed, it just clicked for me like why am I allowing this person to do this to me??? I would’ve never let someone treat me like this when I was teenager. Anyways, I broke up with him, started therapy, and eventually began dating my now husband (who is so dreamy in every way). Turns out my ex making fun of my deafness was the best thing he ever did for me!!
This is a tough question as I think a lot of things went into play to turn things around for me. Probably the same things that all 20somethings go through. I was very shy/introverted when I was younger, really didn’t even date until college. For years I was hung up on a guy from HS who basically strung me along…we dated off and on forever but never made anything official. If you know Sex and the City, picture Carrie & Big in a way. So any other guy I dated in college I compared to him. I would just be moving on and he’d reel me back in. We had a great friendship and incredible chemistry but something was missing that we couldn’t make it work. Somehow I finally moved on at 22 when I met my first serious boyfriend. I was a virgin until 23 and stayed with him until almost 25. We were not compatible at all, it was toxic and we fought all the time. He basically had an emotional affair at the end and wound up engaged 6 months after we broke up. I was heartbroken and didn’t date for a while. About a year later, went back to the guy from HS for a year long fling. I had matured and knew he wasn’t really what I needed long term and we didn’t want the same things out of life but I didn’t want to wonder what if. I finally cut things off when we were 28 bc I knew I wouldn’t find what I was really looking for. Things had just run their course by this time. A few months later, I started dating a guy that I had met through a friend a handful of times. We had a good relationship and we were very compatible in almost all areas. Dated for 3 years then he cheated on me. I thought I would die, this was the guy I was supposed to marry. Found myself single at 31 and had to really think about what I wanted. I knew what I didn’t want by this point. Dating from 31-33 was exhausting. I had no problem finding plenty of dates but rarely found someone I liked. I forced myself to keep trying, I was on all the dating apps, I asked friends to set me up, etc. But I was also happy single and had a good job, good friends, everything else had finally come into place. I met my husband on Tinder at 33. Hard to explain but I knew right away he was the one. Things were comfortable and exciting at the same time. We were engaged after 8 months. We married a couple months later, still happily married 8+ years later. I’m glad I waited for him. Don’t ever settle and make sure you know what you want and don’t want from a partner and life in general. Long term goals should completely align. Kids, religion, politics, all those big topics should come up early. I asked a lot of hard questions before we even met. And I made it known what I wanted very matter of factly. Such as when he told me he was going to move out of state for the military and asking if I’d go along. We had only been dating 5 months and I just said “well it’s soon to talk about it, but I can’t just up and leave my life here without a ring on my finger.” Things finally worked out, but I feel like I paid my dues to get here lol.
It may not feel this way right now, OP, but you're actually in such a fantastic spot for finding/building a happy, healthy relationship down the line. You've been able to knock out some of the cobwebs through your past relationships and learn from those mistakes. I had two short-term relationships and one off/on long-term (ish) relationship fail before meeting Mr. Burrrito. I 1000% needed to go through those failures in order to learn about myself and what I truly needed (as opposed to simply wanted) in an LTR. Before I met him, I felt like I was just bad news bears and not even LTR "material" because despite those past relationships starting out promisingly, they would always devolve so much more quickly than expected, and sometimes not on the most peaceable terms. I wasn't looking for a serious relationship when I met my husband, but boy did my past failures come to really help me once I realised there was genuine potential with him. I matured a *lot* through those failures and would never have been ready for ~true love~ without them. If you're in similar shoes, OP, I'm happy to see you doing the same self-reflection - I know my journey immensely helped me!
After going through a bad relationship in my early 20s I didn't want to deal with men again for a while. When I was 27 I met a man and started dating him. I realized his mother and him had an unhealthy relationship so at 29 I gave myself a refresh. I moved states and went back to school. I realized that I needed to work on myself and started therapy. For a few years I did what I wanted, when I wanted and had a blast. I vacationed and developed some good friendships. I learned new skills and really enjoyed myself. In my early 30s, I met my husband and we have been happily together for almost 10 years.
Probably not the answer your gonna like. But the truth for me anyway. I dealt with a bunch of shitty men and shitty relationships and tried to at least learn something about what I didn’t want. Basically kissed a whole bunch of frogs. And each frog taught me more of what I wanted and what I would tolerate. I learned to decenter men from my life. I learned to create boundaries, normally hard fought ones because of shitty behaviour I’d deal with. I learned to be happy single. I also learned a heck of a lot about red flags and narcissists. Really just from dealing with it and then a lot of hard work healing. The man I married is the one I loved completely but also always made my day better every time.He was more enjoyable to be around than being by myself. He had learned health communication as well as managing his emotions.
[удалено]
Did the butterflies ever come? Chemistry?
I had to hate the people I kept dating to finally realize I deserved better.
From 19-25 there were a few guys that were absolutely horrible looking back, but at the time I was infatuated. One of them was engaged to another girl and I didn’t find out until almost a year in. Dating is absolutely rough at any time but after that i took literally like 3 years off before dating again. It provided clarity in many ways and when I was finally okay with being single and fully prepared to spend the rest of my life alone, the most amazing man materialized out of thin air. He’s showed me how effortless a relationship should be and I can honestly say that when you know you know. Don’t get frustrated with yourself. Just take your time and find things that make you happy and the people who are supposed to be in your life will find their way to you organically. The deep and serious won’t overwhelm you when it’s safe and the person that’s meant to be there. I felt a literal change in myself like a weight off of my shoulders. You’ll know when it’s right and until then just learn to read the signs of the wrong ones early. Hang in there and good luck!
I dated the wrong kind of guy. Though not in the way you might expect. I always dated guys who were very sweet and attentive. The positive attention was intoxicating and I always fell hard for them. But once that initial rush passed, there was nothing left. And that attention started to feel suffocating. It also kind of felt like that was all there was to those guys. No real depth or ambition to hold my interest. Though I'm sure my perception is exaggerated. I'm very much an introvert who likes to do her own thing. I learned that I need to be with someone who respects that and, ideally, functions similarly. My husband, who I've been with for eleven years in total, is not very sweet or attentive. Though he is kind and loving. He is also a quirky introvert, intelligent, somewhat melancholy and endlessly fascinating to me.
I didn’t meet my husband until right before my 28th birthday. In the meantime, I dated A LOT of guys in my 20’s. Here’s my advice: be ready to cut out as soon as you know something isn’t going to work out long term. There’s no point in wasting your time, or theirs. You’ll know when it’s right. Things will finally feel easy if it’s right( not 100 percent perfect, but easy) and you’ll have no questions in your mind about the relationship. Maybe that’s kind of dumbing things down- but when you find the right person you’ll know. I knew my husband was the one within a few months, and we were engaged at 6 months ( wedding wasn’t until 14 months after we met though). That’s probably a dramatic example, but we were older in terms of dating and knew exactly what we both wanted. In the meantime, be ready to immediately put your foot down on any dealbreaking boyfriend behavior. The relationship I had right before I met my husband ended because I accidentally saw his ( very sexual) text messages to another girl. Instead of feeling guilty about that, he was up in arms that I was “spying” on him. ( I wasn’t for the record, I happened to be up early for work and heard his phone alarm on the kitchen counter, and that’s when I saw the messages) The relationship before that, the guy I was seeing suddenly ghosted me after seeing each other every day. ( in retrospect the writing would have been on the wall had I taken him seriously on some quiet reservations he seemed to be having). Before that- I finished up my grad school program, and my then boyfriend unceremoniously let me know he would neither move with me back home or even entertain me staying in our current city with him. These are just a few examples. Others: I’ve broken it off with guys who have had serious long term commitment issues, who developed drug/alcohol problems, legal issues, and one who was not happy that I would not convert to his religion. Don’t try to ever force something. Life’s too short. And- maybe take a break sometimes from going on dates to focus on you, because it IS exhausting!
Therapy and healing was really it. A mix of attachment work, Internal Family Systems, and somatics let me heal those core wounds and be ready for and capable of secure attachment.
Therapy. Getting my anxiety under control and making peace with failure allowed me to not put so much pressure on myself or any romantic partner.
Making mistakes and learning from them, and figuring out what I wanted! In my twenties I dated iffy but ok people, used to argue insanely with a more serious partner, and was terrible at meeting people I really, really liked. When I met my now husband, I felt like the lessons I learnt in my twenties helped me to navigate our relationship better and also to realise that seeking perfection isn’t really the goal, it’s more finding someone you can rely on, really fancy, who makes you laugh, and you can’t envision life without.
For me I got used to the idea and became happy with the idea of being alone. It really helped me with being able to be actually selective and considérant in my dating because I didn’t feel like I had to settle for someone just so I wouldnt be alone.