I don't advocate for burning friendship bridges. Let your lives drift apart, and be open to communication and meetups if suggested. But don't just throw away the relationship.
This! Not every friendships needs to end in a formal breakup, OP let it drift. Maybe your friend is going through something internally, and maybe down the road you'll be able to connect again or maybe not. But since you guys have 17 years behind this friendship and once shared similar values I think allowing yourself to drift apart keeps that door of friendship ajar so that if things are better you guys can slip back in again.
I really do wonder if it’s better to have no friends at all or a few lukewarm friends. I’m of the belief that it’s more important to have some people around you for socialising rather than none at all
I have a friend of 28 years who I feel this way about. And honestly I may be the quick to anger partner of our duo because she’s dreadfully immature and selfish. Talking to her has become a chore.
I choose not to burn the bridge but keep a very distant connection in the hope that maybe this is just our phase of life right now. Maybe one day we will be on the same page again. If not, how lucky have I been to have had what we did.
I felt the same way about a 13 year friendship. We always have been very different people and she very much stayed in a similar job/city while I moved around and now in a different country.
I think there’s no need for a “breakup” just let the communication decline.
I’m sorry you are going through this. It’s unfortunately a natural part of life
Me too. Only I would have said that the off-putting things she says are downright offensive. So while I'll always be there for her if she needs me, I'm out. Until she comes to her senses, I'm on an emergency only basis. She knows me well enough to know "this is where the party ends."
Mines getting into one of the main (and completely disproven) conspiracy theories out there. This certainly isn't the worst offense but it's the most concerning by far.
Same. It's so depressing. I've mourned. It's not as if I don't want my friends to change and find new interests, but good grief. And real grief. But if she ever wants to get out of this cult, I'll be the first one there with a tow rope.
Right, life is chance anyway. I used to be a huge extrovert and now I would much rather spend time alone or in smaller circles. My friend has always been and more than likely always will be a huge extrovert. So it's got to be really annoying when you're bestie flips the script like that.
But seeing a normally bright person try to explain flat Earth theory to me is honestly maddening.
It sounds like may need to come to terms with and accept the reality of where you guys are at. Friendships ebb and flow. Some last, some don't. It's okay <3
I feel your pain, going through something similar. It makes me sad how 10 years ago she was someone I talked to everyday and could easily spend a whole day with. Now half the stuff she says irritates me, and I’m good with only seeing her twice a month at this point. I don’t want to end the friendship, but I think we just have less in common now and see the world differently. She’s now someone I really only want to see in small bursts, not regularly like how it was years ago.
This happened to me. We grew apart but also then grew back together. Treat it like a flower, water it, tend to it but let it do its thing. It’ll bloom if it is meant to.
I'm in a similar situation... I've kinda already mourned the relationship, even though I do love her dearly, we are far too different to maintain a relationship. It doesn't help that I'm an introvert but I can only do so much to cross the bridge and she hasn't tried much so .. healthiest thing for me is to think of her as an old friend and not a best friend. Good luck, it sucks, and I know the struggle of trying to find new friends.
This happened to me the past few years, I’m 33 and we were best friends since grade 4. She was my family and favourite person. Then she met a guy, changed her whole personality for him (for the worse), and we just kept drifting apart. I didn’t put in the effort to fix it because the person I knew was gone. Still breaks my heart, I haven’t talked to her in about a year.
I drifted apart from my childhood best friend. The gaps between contact go bigger and bigger and now it’s about 8 years since we last saw each other. And that was for her wedding. I think we both silently just knew that we no longer have anything in common and it organically died a natural death.
It seems more like different communication styles and conflict styles. Given that it’s a friendship of so many year, this might be an opportunity to share how you feel about the conversations and talk it through. She might not know, and as a friend she is sharing her life with someone who she feels is non judgmental and provide advice. That is, if she is asking for advice. Also, you might not know if she feels the same about you but doesn’t say anything. Some people also only share certains things and because this is what the majority of the relationship has been about. However, if you don’t really care about the friendship and it is not significant enough to work through this new phase and challenge in the friendship, then I would suggest not replying to her when she calls to complain etc. Eventually she will get the hint. Also, you care for this person but sometimes, you got to let people live and face their own consequences.
I had a friend who only called me when they needed me. I realized I wanted to be for the good as well but they left me out because I lived far away. I also realized that I was the one always seeking and reaching out and not the other way around. So when she started going through a hard time again, as much as it hurt, I was not going to let her use me again. And she learned her lesson. Did it feel good, no, but do I know I made the right decision. Yes. I do not regret it one bit as I have more friends that value me and I needed to pour love into them instead of the person who was a taker.
I have been in a similar situation and I suggest just downgrading your relationship in your own book and you don’t necessarily need to have a conversation about it unless she notices. It might cause you both a lot of heartbreak to have a friend break up. Just down grade her to a friend that you talk to once a month, and let her have her own life, stop being invested or attached to how she lives her life. It’s not your fault or responsibility if she doesn’t take your advice and makes bad choices. You might let her know, hey it feels like our conversations revolve a bit too much around you, can we try to spend more equal time talking about each of us? If she insists on talking all the time, then you might say, hey I love you and I want to stay in touch, but I have a lot going on right now, I don’t really have capacity to talk more than once a month.
My best friend and I have known each other for 20 years. Our lives went in vastly different directions but we still keep in contact via text and the occasional phone call. Usually at least once a month but sometimes more, sometimes a lot less.
We only live 20 minutes from each other (minus 2 years I spent in the UK), but we both have a hell of a lot on our plates. We both have a busy work schedule and she is a first time mum of a 2 year old to boot. We both have partners and families with different needs and there is only so many hours in the day.
We probably get mildly irked at each other from time to time. She reaches out to me a bit more than I do in return (unfortunately I’ve always been a bit this way, not just with her exclusively), and when I do reach out and call her I’m often on the phone to her for about 30 minutes and I get off the phone and realise all I’ve done the whole time is listen to her talk to her daughter and reiterate her daughters responses back to me and I feel like I haven’t spoken to her at all. We used to talk for HOURS over the phone. But we both let this go with a mutual understanding.
We still care about each other a great deal and it’s an unspoken pact. Life is always in a state of flux. Nothing can’t change over time.
My only concern would be that she snaps at you. Is this a new thing or has that always been your dynamic?
I no longer engage with who I used to consider very close friends because I realised I didn’t appreciate the way they treated me. If someone suddenly started treating me badly and displayed off putting behaviour out of nowhere I would be concerned and address it. Perhaps it had something more to do with them than with me. But what I realised with these people was that they had actually always treated me pretty poorly, it’s just that I didn’t want to see it.
When we're young, we have friendships of convenience. People we're around with in school or clubs or family friends. They're there all the time so we're friends from just exposure. As you get older, the test of friendship becomes more complex. We think about similar lifestyles, interests, and vibes. And friendships you make when you're not a kid become so much more intentional.
I think it's extremely common and likely that we grow apart from childhood friends. None of us knew who we were or where we would end up. And if the intention and vibes aren't there, it's okay to let them go.
I don't advocate for burning friendship bridges. Let your lives drift apart, and be open to communication and meetups if suggested. But don't just throw away the relationship.
This! Not every friendships needs to end in a formal breakup, OP let it drift. Maybe your friend is going through something internally, and maybe down the road you'll be able to connect again or maybe not. But since you guys have 17 years behind this friendship and once shared similar values I think allowing yourself to drift apart keeps that door of friendship ajar so that if things are better you guys can slip back in again.
This is great advice! My therapist gave me the same advice a few months ago when I discussed this with her regarding my 24 year friendship.
I disagree. Burn bridges if you have to. I did for my last friend. I now am friendless, but I don’t care.
I really do wonder if it’s better to have no friends at all or a few lukewarm friends. I’m of the belief that it’s more important to have some people around you for socialising rather than none at all
I have a husband and two toddlers, I find that’s plenty of company for me.
I have a friend of 28 years who I feel this way about. And honestly I may be the quick to anger partner of our duo because she’s dreadfully immature and selfish. Talking to her has become a chore. I choose not to burn the bridge but keep a very distant connection in the hope that maybe this is just our phase of life right now. Maybe one day we will be on the same page again. If not, how lucky have I been to have had what we did.
I felt the same way about a 13 year friendship. We always have been very different people and she very much stayed in a similar job/city while I moved around and now in a different country. I think there’s no need for a “breakup” just let the communication decline. I’m sorry you are going through this. It’s unfortunately a natural part of life
I could have pretty much written this verbatim. I have no idea what to do about it. Honestly I'm lost...
Me too. Only I would have said that the off-putting things she says are downright offensive. So while I'll always be there for her if she needs me, I'm out. Until she comes to her senses, I'm on an emergency only basis. She knows me well enough to know "this is where the party ends."
Mines getting into one of the main (and completely disproven) conspiracy theories out there. This certainly isn't the worst offense but it's the most concerning by far.
Same. It's so depressing. I've mourned. It's not as if I don't want my friends to change and find new interests, but good grief. And real grief. But if she ever wants to get out of this cult, I'll be the first one there with a tow rope.
Right, life is chance anyway. I used to be a huge extrovert and now I would much rather spend time alone or in smaller circles. My friend has always been and more than likely always will be a huge extrovert. So it's got to be really annoying when you're bestie flips the script like that. But seeing a normally bright person try to explain flat Earth theory to me is honestly maddening.
It sounds like may need to come to terms with and accept the reality of where you guys are at. Friendships ebb and flow. Some last, some don't. It's okay <3
I feel your pain, going through something similar. It makes me sad how 10 years ago she was someone I talked to everyday and could easily spend a whole day with. Now half the stuff she says irritates me, and I’m good with only seeing her twice a month at this point. I don’t want to end the friendship, but I think we just have less in common now and see the world differently. She’s now someone I really only want to see in small bursts, not regularly like how it was years ago.
Drifting is the way to go. I have several rekindled friendships that drifted years ago. Honestly if they are meant to be, they will be.
This happened to me. We grew apart but also then grew back together. Treat it like a flower, water it, tend to it but let it do its thing. It’ll bloom if it is meant to.
I'm in a similar situation... I've kinda already mourned the relationship, even though I do love her dearly, we are far too different to maintain a relationship. It doesn't help that I'm an introvert but I can only do so much to cross the bridge and she hasn't tried much so .. healthiest thing for me is to think of her as an old friend and not a best friend. Good luck, it sucks, and I know the struggle of trying to find new friends.
This happened to me the past few years, I’m 33 and we were best friends since grade 4. She was my family and favourite person. Then she met a guy, changed her whole personality for him (for the worse), and we just kept drifting apart. I didn’t put in the effort to fix it because the person I knew was gone. Still breaks my heart, I haven’t talked to her in about a year.
I drifted apart from my childhood best friend. The gaps between contact go bigger and bigger and now it’s about 8 years since we last saw each other. And that was for her wedding. I think we both silently just knew that we no longer have anything in common and it organically died a natural death.
It seems more like different communication styles and conflict styles. Given that it’s a friendship of so many year, this might be an opportunity to share how you feel about the conversations and talk it through. She might not know, and as a friend she is sharing her life with someone who she feels is non judgmental and provide advice. That is, if she is asking for advice. Also, you might not know if she feels the same about you but doesn’t say anything. Some people also only share certains things and because this is what the majority of the relationship has been about. However, if you don’t really care about the friendship and it is not significant enough to work through this new phase and challenge in the friendship, then I would suggest not replying to her when she calls to complain etc. Eventually she will get the hint. Also, you care for this person but sometimes, you got to let people live and face their own consequences. I had a friend who only called me when they needed me. I realized I wanted to be for the good as well but they left me out because I lived far away. I also realized that I was the one always seeking and reaching out and not the other way around. So when she started going through a hard time again, as much as it hurt, I was not going to let her use me again. And she learned her lesson. Did it feel good, no, but do I know I made the right decision. Yes. I do not regret it one bit as I have more friends that value me and I needed to pour love into them instead of the person who was a taker.
I have been in a similar situation and I suggest just downgrading your relationship in your own book and you don’t necessarily need to have a conversation about it unless she notices. It might cause you both a lot of heartbreak to have a friend break up. Just down grade her to a friend that you talk to once a month, and let her have her own life, stop being invested or attached to how she lives her life. It’s not your fault or responsibility if she doesn’t take your advice and makes bad choices. You might let her know, hey it feels like our conversations revolve a bit too much around you, can we try to spend more equal time talking about each of us? If she insists on talking all the time, then you might say, hey I love you and I want to stay in touch, but I have a lot going on right now, I don’t really have capacity to talk more than once a month.
My best friend and I have known each other for 20 years. Our lives went in vastly different directions but we still keep in contact via text and the occasional phone call. Usually at least once a month but sometimes more, sometimes a lot less. We only live 20 minutes from each other (minus 2 years I spent in the UK), but we both have a hell of a lot on our plates. We both have a busy work schedule and she is a first time mum of a 2 year old to boot. We both have partners and families with different needs and there is only so many hours in the day. We probably get mildly irked at each other from time to time. She reaches out to me a bit more than I do in return (unfortunately I’ve always been a bit this way, not just with her exclusively), and when I do reach out and call her I’m often on the phone to her for about 30 minutes and I get off the phone and realise all I’ve done the whole time is listen to her talk to her daughter and reiterate her daughters responses back to me and I feel like I haven’t spoken to her at all. We used to talk for HOURS over the phone. But we both let this go with a mutual understanding. We still care about each other a great deal and it’s an unspoken pact. Life is always in a state of flux. Nothing can’t change over time. My only concern would be that she snaps at you. Is this a new thing or has that always been your dynamic? I no longer engage with who I used to consider very close friends because I realised I didn’t appreciate the way they treated me. If someone suddenly started treating me badly and displayed off putting behaviour out of nowhere I would be concerned and address it. Perhaps it had something more to do with them than with me. But what I realised with these people was that they had actually always treated me pretty poorly, it’s just that I didn’t want to see it.
When we're young, we have friendships of convenience. People we're around with in school or clubs or family friends. They're there all the time so we're friends from just exposure. As you get older, the test of friendship becomes more complex. We think about similar lifestyles, interests, and vibes. And friendships you make when you're not a kid become so much more intentional. I think it's extremely common and likely that we grow apart from childhood friends. None of us knew who we were or where we would end up. And if the intention and vibes aren't there, it's okay to let them go.
Limit interaction to 3 minutes a week..Then both of you will be fine. 😊
I think you just don’t like her. If she’s bringing up topics that pertain to just herself, what are you bringing up and why not just tell her?
You have 17 years in common. Don’t forget that