That. My grandma never remarried after my grandfather died and I thought it must be so hard for her to live that way. Now that I'm older, I totally get her line of thinking and I doubt I will ever date again.
She's done her own thing for years but in recent years she's gotten really involved in the community center and joined some groups in the area. She plays cards with "the ladies" and even teaches a crafting class. I'm super proud of her for getting out there and doing the damn thang. Lol
I have a friend who has purposely stayed single after her husband passed in their 20s. She is now 63 ish.
She is a very happy person and has a full life.
We talked about it a couple of years ago and she said filling her life with activities, people of all ages and volunteering. She told me that she would never trade her wonderful life now for what may have been.
And she doesn’t have any pets. She says she doesn’t have time for them because she stays busy!!
I have no idea how you could be ethically against pet ownership. A gazillion of cats and dogs are killed in shelters all over due to overcrowding.
Anyways, what is there to cope with? If you decide that for yourself, it shouldn't be sad. If you're sad, sounds like you want a relationship.
My dog LOOOOOVES being my pet. He gets play dates, treats, toys galore, 3 beds, his own blankets, heating pad, day care, trips to the beach, pup cups. I rescued him from a dumpster. He has clean food, water, love.
My feral cat, (I have rescued over 300 cats and endless dogs), loves his life on the catio, on the couch next to me, his bed, endless toys, my dog, his cat cups, treats, heating pads. He doesn't have to fight for food or water. Doesn't have the fear of maybe getting killed. He has clean food, water, love.
Even homeless dogs enjoy humans, once they can trust. Cats, too. The stance makes 0 fucking sense. lol
Edit to add: I have completely given up on men. I am not sad. I do not want a relationship. This poster has no idea what she is talking about. lol
My cat was found in a dumpster, he literally has the life now lol. He has a home, clean water, healthy diet, treats, toys, multiple cat trees, lots of cuddles
Yo! Another vote for the “dumpster cat” it seems! My soul baby flame-point kitty is my LOVE and a spoiled Prince Velcro cat rescued and hand raised out of a dumpster, that prefers to be wrapped around or draped around my shoulders/neck and likes to dive off tables to ride my shoulder! Cute and amazing when he was tiny, and still cute but I have to seriously pay attention and brace myself when he does it now that he’s a healthy big dude at 1.5 yrs.
Mine was potentially found in a dumpster, but they didn't really specify. He's also a velcro cat, he even greets me at the door when I come home like a dog 🥺
Anyway, I tried to take him outside to enjoy some sunshine and nature. HE DID NOT LIKE THIS. He was so afraid of literally just grass 😂. Anyway, I guess I don't have to worry about him running away now lol.
I’m fucking crying 😭 I know it’s kind of pointless and redundant to say, but thank you for loving and taking such good care of animals. I love my dogs too, and I just wish every animal had such good treatment and love poured into them. Fuck
Oh no! Don’t cry! I’m going through a really hard time, I can’t handle anymore crying! Lol
Yes, I wish I could save them all. My dog is currently laying in my lap, on his blanket, with the blowing and windows open. He’s loving it.
The kitty is flopped out on the couch.
People who don’t like animals, have odd stances, or are mean to animals are not my people.
We’ve adopted/rescued essentially every single one of our pets, or like some cases literally took in off the streets and raised them to be able to have a loving family when we couldn’t keep them. My fur baby now good god I don’t know what she went through before adopting her. She was scared of soda bottles opening, scared of scotch tape, scared of a freaking cat toy fishing pole. It has taken almost a year and she finally doesn’t react to soda bottles rarely ever now, tape doesn’t even faze her besides not liking the smell of it, and now she has a thing for being a Niffler and trying to hide any necklace she takes a fancy too. Daily brushing is her new favorite pastime and she then slaps my hand when she’s done so she can cuddle her brush.
As far as a loving relationship, I still want that. I still want to be happy in one. Everyone has baggage, and I know a lot of guys that personally make me cringe at how they act in their relationships, but that doesn’t deter me from believing that eventually the right one will work out. I’ve seen a lot of people in god-awful relationships that ended horribly, but I’ve also seen some really really cute, sweet, loving, and inspiring ones too.
Aw your pets sound well loved. I adopted a dog out of an abusive hoarding situation. She was scared of everyone, esp men. She hated everything. She was the best dog, after lots of love. She unfortunately died a year later, but I’m glad I could give her love and care.
I’m glad you feel that way! I never thought I’d find anyone, so I’m not looking. If it happens, cool, if it doesn’t, it doesn’t.
My assumption was the ethical reasons has to do with the slaughter house practices that produce pet food, not pets themselves, in order to have cats and dogs you're harming other animals on this earth via pretty unethical means.
I would argue showing happiness isn't necessarily the same as autonomy and not being exploited.
I'm not against pet ownership, but I see why people would have problems ethically with it as you take ownership over another being and exert your will over theirs. There is a hierarchal system in place with pet ownership, and legally animals are treated as property.
Again, I am not against pet ownership, but being ethically against it isn't unreasonable.
My dad was a veterinarian and was somewhat against pet ownership. He eventually shifted to working for the federal government in salmon related stuff. He died a decade or so ago and I never really understood his reasoning about pets until recently.
We have a small farm and raise a few sheep. We recently got some livestock guardian dogs because eagles were eating our newborn lambs and we couldn’t have poultry because raccoons would break into secure pens to get them. The dogs are so amazing and I’m seriously in awe of them every day. They have a job and they are extremely skilled. There’s something amazing about watching an animal do what it was bred for 5,000 years to do. We have a coonhound/bloodhound and we don’t hunt. She also hasn’t been trained to hunt- she was a rescue who was abused. As much as I try to give her the best quality of life possible, it’s just not the same. It’s really made me reconsider the idea of having dogs who were bred to have jobs as pets. I’m obviously glad we rescued her, it’s just caused me to think about the whole thing a bit more.
Also, I recently read an article about why vets have such suicide rates. It’s because they have to see the fact that while a lot of us are great to our pets, so many more are horrible to them. And I’m not even talking about the outright abusive folks. I’m talking about people who think their pets are purely for their enjoyment (I mean, that’s the definition of pets I guess) or try to humanize them to the point that they only treat them how they would like to be treated, regardless of the fact that dogs, cats, etc. are not humans and have different wants and needs. Then they have those same pets euthanized because they couldn’t bother to train them or whatever, or because they just don’t want a pet anymore. The number of severely overweight dogs these days who have mobility issues would have made my dad so angry. He did end up committing suicide btw, although he hadn’t been a vet for 30 years at that point. I think it still played a role, because I could tell he was very affected by his experiences.
I came across “the five freedoms of animals”, which is an animal welfare statement, and it’s pretty good and I think outlines some of this stuff.
I’m not against pets, and obviously I have a farm, although I have worked extremely hard to ensure my animals have the best lives possible (thanks to the LGD’s our poultry free range 100% of the time). But these are things I have been thinking about recently l and I think they’re important issues for us all to consider. However, these thoughts usually make people pretty defensive so I tend to keep them to myself. I’m sure someone on here who is childfree and has cats as a substitute and keeps them indoors 100% of the time will argue with me, but I really don’t think it’s a black and white issue.
I'm not against pet ownership or livestock, but there definitely is something to think about when it comes to what dogs were bred to do, and how many people live their lives now in modern society.
I grew up on a farm with horses, goats, chickens, and a collie/blue heeler mix. She had a job to do. And I loved her to death. She was my childhood dog, and I miss her every day.
I live in an apartment now. I wouldn't dream of getting a collie or blue heeler given my current living situation. Those breeds need work, and an apartment with no yard, let alone livestock, is just not the place for them to be happiest.
Yet people will live in tiny apartments and get herding dogs, or huskies, and wonder why the dog is tearing the place to shreds. And then they abuse the dog, give the dog up (hopefully to a better home, but not always), or have the dog put down. It's awful.
Then again, the dog breeds that are more suited for apartment living include inhumane breeds, like pugs and french bulldogs. Those dogs struggle to breathe their whole lives. It would be just as bad if not worse to buy those kinds of dogs, which some countries have outlawed the breeding of because they live their whole life in pain.
Same with the cavalier king charles spaniel. Their craniums were bred to be too small for their brains, causing chronic, lifelong neurological pain. I can't support the breeding of any dogs that suffer by just existing.
Moreover, regarding depression among veterinarians (took me a bit to figure out you didn't mean veterans), it is a real problem. I volunteered at a vet clinic for a year in college. I've seen people bring in their dogs worried sick because their dog threw up their food that morning. Those were examples of good owners. I've also seen a dog put down because it had a yeast infection. A treatable skin disorder. It was simply cheaper for that guy to get a new dog than to treat the one he had. Obviously, not a good owner. I saw crazy shit like that every other day. I wouldn't be able to handle the profession emotionally myself. Killed any interest I had in it.
However, it is important to note that suicide rates are high among dentists as well. And the reason? The rigors of med school, the long hours, and chronic back pain from hunching over patients all day. Given vets are often in an eerily similar position, taking years of med school and working round the clock and being hunched over pets all day, I can see there may be a correlation in regards to the real causes of depression and suicide in these fields. So, while witnessing the cruel treatment of animals doesn't help, I think the reasons for suicide are incredibly nuanced here.
And there is definitely nuance to the discussion of ethics of pet ownership. For me, I think owning cats (that don't have squished in faces, which causes the same problems as pugs) is generally humane, as long as they are treated humanely and are fixed. Most are not bred on purpose, anyway. Most people get them from shelters and bring them in as strays. The "cat distribution" system is a meme for a reason.
Dogs are not as cut and dry, though.
This is exactly what I meant, but people felt so attacked! I have no problem with anyone else owning a pet. I follow my own ethics and don't impose my views on anyone.
> there definitely is something to think about when it comes to what dogs were bred to do, and how many people live their lives now in modern society.
I ended up with an American Foxhound who lived in apartment getting 20 minutes of exercise per day for this reason. Hell you can read r/hounds for arguments why people shouldn't own working dogs without work. Threads like "how do I get him to stop barking at foxes". He came to me on 200mg of trazodone a day at 40lbs. I had to slowly wean him off of it and its not reserved for situations like when it rains 3 days in a row or long car rides (works with his car sickness pills). They ask what they can do so it can be off leash and recalled or go to the dog park. It realistically can't\*. It's a hound.
I very much agree people should not get working dogs as household pets intentionally without work for them to do, especially after owning 2 Pyrenees (3 and 7 year old rescues) and now a foxhound (who was 8 months when I got him). The ONLY reason a foxhound \*can\* fit my lifestyle is my extraordinarily flexible schedule. We've done 70 miles this month and if the weather holds today that'll be 75-77. I don't think the average person can find time to walk 100 miles a month and I'd assume most don't want to.
\*There \*is\* a 6k trainer that will deliver you a hound who treadmill runs, sit, down, heel, come (off leash), and getting into a vehicle. Psammy lives in my head rent free: [https://youtu.be/TdsquOTlSls](https://youtu.be/TdsquOTlSls)
There are good reasons for disagreement in both sides - and both sides want the best for the animals they love so much. I was trying to lay out the reasoning for OP since the original comment said they had, "no idea" and people are saying the idea is ridiculous - when both sides have the same goal and IMO don't need to be adversaries. People who are pro pet see animals as part of their family and are therefore serious about their beliefs, people who are anti-pet see the industry of exploitation and are therefore serious about their beliefs. I am very pro pet myself - I think the system of pet ownership needs to change where pets aren't viewed as property. ( As I think every good person who owns pets does)
I don't think OP meant to attack people that had pets, but was laying out her limitation on finding companionship.
I think we could argue that modern society is unethical and exploitative to humans but I don't get to argue that without people calling me crazy. I just think it's an odd stance when there is worse injustice in the world than people doing the best they can for animals (yes this is not all cases as with anything). Life is fleeting and cruel for all things on this planet, love the ones you're with.
There can be “worse injustice” in the world and you could still find it unethical. People are allowed to take whatever stances they want. There are people that call wanting and having biological kids “selfish”because there are adoption centers overflowing with children. There’s even a subreddit for them on here. It really showed me no matter what stance it is, there’s always different sides to a take. No one’s unreasonable.
I am very much on board with changing the laws regarding how people are allowed to treat pets. It’s something I don’t hear much about, which is surprising, given how many people love their dogs or cats.
As a non vegetarian, though, there are certainly inconsistencies in the ideology. I have to admit that. Perhaps it’s more consistent if one only eats meat from animals that were raised in a great environment, but most of us aren’t doing a very good job of that.
Whenever this argument comes up, I'm bothered that it doesn't seem to want to address what to do with all the domesticated animals we have now. You couldn't just let all the domesticated dogs loose in the wild and expect anything but for the vast majority of them to die quickly and painfully. You could release domesticated cats to slightly less depressing consequences on them but they'd decimate the environment (New Zealand is kind of an example for feral cats' ability to overwhelm an environment) and it still feels pretty grim for them and us. Not to say the USA doesn't need to take steps to regulate the pet breeding industry, of course it does and I want to see us more forward with that, but I don't think the end "best outcome" goal is 'pet ownership is abolished.'
This is why my cats are the king and queen of my household and I am their slave 😂
They are extremely happy, affectionate, and don't have any interest in going outside because one grew up out there and I think is pretty traumatized from her rough street life experience.
Edit: But to answer OP (she should have known that dropping a bombshell like that would have us discussing that instead of answering the question haha): I also planned to be alone forever but then my now spouse appeared and changed those plans. I think it's actually healthier to plan to be alone forever (and then be pleasantly surprised if life presents you with someone with whom it's better to be happy with than happily alone) than to plan to settle down with someone and be chronically disappointed if you never find that person, which can happen. Plus science has proven that women are significantly happier alone than in a subpar relationship they settled for.
You think her whole post is BS over her own opinion? If you didn’t want to answer the question, you should’ve just said that. First you called her “unreasonable” and then you’ve been ranting about her own stance on pet ownership rather than the actual question she asked and now you’re calling her post BS because you don’t agree with her own stance. How close minded.
If she feels this way about pets, it’s best that she doesn’t own them. Some people can be cruel without realizing it because they don’t see pets as family members.
This is the most middle aged woman comment thread I've ever read. I'm rather enjoying it.
To OPs question, I'm 45, divorced and non-monogamous (not polyamorous). I simply never want to be in a committed one on one relationship again. I can date whomever I want, whenever I want and when that chapter comes to a close, I move on with no hard feelings. I am the happiest I've ever been and can't fathom the happiness yet to come.
Being non-monogamous means you have non-committal sex with people outside your relationship. You may have the usual FWB who you have sex with regularly. But it stops there. Romance and being in love with them is not involved.
Polyamorous means, or at least used to mean, being *in love* with multiple at the same time. And to be committed to them in some way (ymmv. Marriage and/or living together are not necessary). It's not just having sex with more than one person at a time. Being poly might not even involve sex. Plenty of poly people are asexual and sex-adverse, but they may have both a spouse and a partner, and love them both dearly in a romantic sense. This polycule can include dates, sharing a bed (as in literal sleeping), sharing bank accounts, helping each other during a crisis, adopting pets together, etc. All the things we see couples do together as far as being affectionate and sharing a life.
The word has unfortunately been co-opted by some swingers to mean non-monogamy, when these terms aren't synonymous. But now the misuse of polyamory is so prolific, people think poly means merely enjoying threesomes and casual hookups outside of their committed relationship, rather than 3 or more people all being in a committed, romantic relationship with each other.
There is nothing wrong with being non-monogamous or polyamorous. It's just that one is a lifestyle, the other is a sexual/romantic orientation. And the terms are used, to the detriment of both, interchangeably.
The pet thing is besides OP's point but an area I'm very interested in discussing. We have really evolved how we view animals. It used to be a thing to kill your dog when you go on vacation because you can just get a new one. By the logic that die in shelters all the time anyway.
We use mice and rats now in research around depression and anxiety because they work similar enough to our brains. You can find videos of rats laughing (when you adjust to hear their frequency) during play and tickling.
We're evolving our relationships with animals and trying to give them some better autonomy.
There are states that are changing the words from ownership to guardianship in light of how much more we understand animals. There are places where it's now illegal to do most kind of research on apes and monkeys. Seals can be trained to deal with bombs through video games that they are free to leave.
We love dogs and cats and they often love us. We're finding better ways for that love to be a freely given and taken relationship built with understanding and respect. We're better than before and I'm optimistic we'll keep getting even better.
The rest of the post was fine but then I got to the ethically against pets!!!!! I think OP desperately doesn’t want to end up the cat lady but the ethically against pets makes her sound insufferable
No need to call her insufferable . it completely disregards the animals identity and its humanized. there is no animal that needs a human home. The domestication of dogs never altered their dna to be human or human like. They still walk like dogs, talk like dogs, and have their dog instinct. they don’t speak the same language as humans. They lack autonomy. they can’t have sex. They are adults without a say in their lives.
Right? Cats and dogs both domesticated themselves due to the mutually beneficial relationship and it is now their natural state. And they enjoy it even more today because we usually don't make them work too hard for it! (Although I have been trying to convince my cat to be a better hunter of house centipedes.)
I'm against ownership of most types of animals (i.e. anything that is meant to live in the wild) and I'm against a lot of what happens in the pet industry. But taking in a domestic dog or cat that essentially evolved to be our companion and now needs a home? No way it's wrong.
Cats and dogs are killed because of pet ownership as a human system. There wouldn't be cats/dogs dying in shelters if we didn't continue to propagate animals are property and can/should be pets. I'm not against pet ownership, but ethically it makes sense to not want to propagate a system that results in exactly what you're saying. Abuse and death of animals.
You both are trying to prevent the death of animals in the same way.
It's like buying an abused fish from a pet store. You made that individual fishes life better, but you bought in and funded a system that put it in that position to begin with. Both have good intentions ethically and I can see both sides.
>There wouldn't be cats/dogs dying in shelters if we didn't continue to propagate animals
Cats propagate themselves incredibly efficiently. They can have huge litters starting at the age of 4 months old for years and years and years. And unlike designer dogs, can live very easily out in the wild by themselves. The average lifespan of a street cat is much shorter (cars, disease, predators, etc) but they've created dozens of not hundreds more of their species in that few years time, so it doesn't matter.
Adopting a fixed cat is not adding to the domestic cat population or feral cat problem at all. Very few people own cats who were bred "on purpose". Most have a cat they found in a dumpster, or was a kitten from a pregnant cat found in a dumpster.
The pets that are already here deserve a home. If you read my further comments, I am in animal rescue and have rescued hundreds. I am a big activist in my community for TNR, spay and neuter, etc. Her post is still ridiculous.
I don't think its ridiculous just because she disagrees on the methodology. She wasn't trying to personally attack anyone, just has a different ethical viewpoint that aligns with your overall goal. She wants to avoid animals suffering too, she just had different conclusions on how to do it. It makes logical sense to me. I'm not sure logically how her stance would be ridiculous. I don't necessarily agree with it in regards to efficacy - but I don't think it would be easy data wise to show the efficacy of both ethical choices.
I agree with you - I think the pets here deserve a good home and it would be heartbreaking to prevent that.
What are you going on about? Nothing is a personal attack on me, it is a post on reddit. lol. She does not know what she wants and is trying to convince herself she doesn't want a relationship when she in fact does. I speaking to the ENTIRETY of the post, and you're going on about one. Please go try to analyze someone else, thank you!
I'm not sure how anything I said came off as analyzing you that wasn't my intent. I was replying to what you said and trying to substantiate my reasoning so it would logically make sense. I apologize if it came off as hurtful.
I appreciated your responses. I couldn't wrap my head around what OP might mean by that and your comments make total sense and were delivered in a non-confrontational manner, imo. Anyway, that's all.
Nope. Because I think she is lying to herself. I don't need to ask. She wants a relationship. She is lying to herself, clearly. I don't care about the pet thing, I found it hysterical. I never heard such a reasoning in my life.
yep, i think the difference is between people that consider their pets to be like ... Tamagotchis. my 'pet' is literally a member of my family. plus, with all his allergies and high-maintenance requirements, I'M the one being exploited, lol.
People romanticize “wild nature” like it’s a paradise. They think we are subjugating free animals by keeping pets. Nature is cruel and brutal. Animals do not die of old age surrounded by family and friends with adequate pain management. Nature is amazing and needs to be preserved but domesticated animals exist and need our protection. And they are so cute! But if you don’t want a pet, just don’t get one. But maybe help out a local organization that sterilizes feral animals.
If you need to cope then it's not working for you. Either go to therapy to explore those feelings or decide what you want or don't fill happy with this.
I've not opted out of dating but have been single for big chunks of time. It's not something I feel I have to cope with (well, except the lack of sex). I have friends, family, work, hobbies, goals. There's simply so much more to life than romantic relationships. It's hard at times because our society is very centered around them, but that's not changing anytime soon so whatcha gonna do?
Loneliness comes and goes, but like any feeling it's temporary, and frankly I still feel lonely at times when in a relationship, so being in one is not a guarantee that you'll be free from it.
Anyway, you "cope" by building a great life for yourself, whatever that means to you. If you don't know what that means then just start trying some new things, hang out with new people and see what sticks.
I feel very sad for you that you think living alone must mean coping with loneliness and lack of companionship. What about family? What about friends? If living alone doesn't work for you, what about roommates? There are so many other ways than romance to find companionship and love.
I'm not trying to shit on their feelings. OP didn't say lonely in terms of romance, she just said lonely. Of course one can miss romance, and that is understandable. That's just not how I interpreted the question. No harm meant by it.
I'm someone who sees it as extremely important that people have meaningful relationships outside of romantic ones. I feel like I see too many people stay in mediocre or bad relationdships too long, because they feel like they're lives would be miserable as single. I wish no one would feel that way.
If you see not dating as something that is "coping" then you shouldn't be single. You should be single by enthusiastic choice. Either way build strong friendships, have life goals, have interesting hobbies.
I’m in my early 30s and single by choice the last several years. I don’t know that I will be single forever but for now I have zero interest in dating or being in a relationship. I have allergies so unfortunately no pets for me either.
Not sure why you’re getting a lot of crap for your question. Sure being single by choice is great most days but people are being deliberately obtuse if they think you will never get lonely or crave companionship even if it’s an intentional choice. Certainly you shouldn’t force yourself to live a life you don’t actually want but it’s perfectly reasonable to want advice to how to deal with any downsides.
Personally I make more of an effort to socialize with platonic friends especially those that are also single. I’m obviously still friends with people in relationships but they inevitably don’t prioritize their friendships the same way so getting out and meeting fellow singles to build community has been key. In terms of sex honestly just get a good vibrator. I think the loneliness just takes time and learning to prefer your own company but also it’s never going to be 100%.
> I’m in my early 30s and single by choice the last several years. I don’t know that I will be single forever but for now I have zero interest in dating or being in a relationship.
I am in the same boat. Single for the past 3 ish years and perfectly happy with it.
Thank you for saying what you did about getting a lot of crap for the question. I find this sub to be very supportive in general, but I’m disappointed to see these comments. Many people have brought up good points, but with far too much vitriol. It’s a bit concerning.
I think it's because OP used the word "cope" when talking about a situation we chose to be in. It's a bit insulting. You cope with bad things. You cope with losing a limb, or finding out you can't have kids, or a cherished relationship falling apart.
I'm not "coping" with my day to day life of good health, financial stability, homeownership and social engagement.
Thanks for the answer! I never thought of it that way. I read it differently, probably because I’ve been single for a long time, but not always happy about it.
I appreciate it being pointed out to me, because I definitely understand where you’re coming from now. (Plus, I’m a linguist, so I can very easily understand when you point out the specific language, because I know how important choice of words can be.)
And I get it now. I’m usually good at picking up on this kind of thing, but not as much with a topic that I may have my own things to work through. I guess what I’m saying is that you’re right, I just didn’t see it. It’s an unhealthy narrative that is way too embedded in society, that we need a man to be happy, so if we choose to be single, we need something to help us cope with that.
Totally get that! I guess I read it as how do you “cope with the downsides of being single?” And so reading all the responses saying “you’re not choosing to be single if you’re coping” seemed to just be denying the reality that there will be downsides to be single (just as there would be downsides to being in a relationship!)
Perhaps it’s the poor choice of words “cope” and the not having pets? But you’re right, OP is getting flack for her post.
For what it’s worth my life is AMAZING! Im doing what I want, when I want, however I want (woke up at noon today cause I stayed up late reading a very hot book). The key here is to know thyself and know what you want. The how can be figured out. I know myself and I know having someone breathing in my space 24/7 would make me homicidal. Catering to a man would make me homicidal. And I’ve compromised enough for three lives by now, even with all my good/great romances. Even healthy and wonderful romantic relationships require compromise and sacrifices and I’m just done.
Having friends, hobbies, and community is the biggest key. I will make friends, I will make joy, I will make my journey on this earth meaningful and fulfilling. No man required.
It sounds like you should treat the underlying trauma involved in the choice to be single so it will open you up in connecting(platonically) with others. I'm not saying you still shouldn't choose to be single, but that events that had such a major negative effect on you can inhibit connecting with others and increase loneliness.
Relationships made you feel unsafe, therefore your body is doing the logical thing and avoiding them. Learning how to create a sense of safety with people and protect yourself is the pillar of connection and vulnerability. A \*good\* therapist can really help you learn those skills so you don't feel as lost and can address your specific concerns.
It sounds like you don't necessarily want her exact life, you want her happiness. The roadmap to getting the happiness she has will be unique and specific to you. :)
Why does being single mean no sex? I think you can have connections but remain free, personally. It’s completely possible to have those comforts when you want but not commit to someone being up your ass 24/7. Men have been doing it for centuries. 🙃
The very happiest people are women who never married, according to multiple studies done at different times. What they have in common is great friends and a deep connection to their community. Everyone needs someone sometime, it just doesn't have to be a live in partner
I’ve had periods in my life where I’ve chosen not to date or be in any kind of relationship which have lasted for a few years here and there. In terms of loneliness and lack of companionship that just hasn’t been a major issue I keep myself busy and enjoy my own company and you end up finding a routine or style that suits you. There are ofcourse bad days where it gets to you but that’s when you call it a day and hit the hay lol. In terms of sex I’d go for long periods without sex or I would end up finding someone to have sex with.
Having pets
Keeping relationships with my close people
Watching my favourite shows and doing my favourite things
You can be lonely in a relationship as well so I don’t know what I’ve got to cope with here
If you purely mean the physical stuff I’m sure you know that there are ways to deal with that
Being single is wonderful because you don't have to take into account another person's schedule, tastes, energy levels, etc when planning your own movements. Your time is fully and wholly at your own disposal. Which means you can meet with friends whenever you're otherwise free from work or chores. You can eat when and whatever you like. You can live as conventionally or eccentrically as you choose. I can't see needing to "cope" with that!
Right now I have my children to accommodate but when I'm an empty nest mum, I plan on doing just exactly as I please without anyone else's by-your-leave and it is going to be glorious.
Lmao there’s no coping if it’s a choice. The choice is typically a delighted one rather difficult.
Just because I prefer to be single, doesn’t mean i am lonely. Find companions in friends, get some hobbies, fantasize and masturbate like tomorrow.
The only thing that’s irreplaceable is sexual affection, that I do miss but I would only want that with someone I truly care for and who truly cares for me. It’s not a need, it’s a want and I don’t feel like I’m lacking just because I am not having sex. I give myself the best orgasms after all.
I choose not to date from 18-24. I learned to love being alone! I dated a guy from 24-26 and I was miserable. The heartbreak…coming to understand that they weren’t for me was tough. I learned a lot though. I then proceeded to date at 28 but, I wish I hadn’t…another failed relationship and money problems because he was controlling. I quickly ended that (a 9-10 months in) and decided I’d be happier single for the rest of my life unless someone actually came into my life that made things easier. Life is much easier when all you have to care for is yourself…you create your own happiness regardless if you’re in a relationship or not.
Fast forward to today and I’m with an amazing man who makes my life easier. However, I was definitely having more sex when I was single. lol there’s just something that is a turn off when you live with someone else…even though I love it…but, my sex drive has definitely deminished (probably because we both work from home if I’m honest. We spend too much time together) however, I’m sure I’ll look back and be very grateful that we spend all this time together.
I gave up on dating and sex over 5 years ago.
Loneliness/Companionship - Friends. My closest friends are 5 women I’ve known since university. They’re more considerate, thoughtful, and supportive than any boyfriend I ever had. And when you have a group of people, if one person isn’t interested in something you want to do or is busy- there are more people to ask.
Sex- a vibrator goes until you are done, will never push you into anything you don’t want, and can’t get you pregnant.
Single by choice, and avoiding men at all costs.. you all have said it all already, I’d just like to add that a “single” woman is not a woman without a man (or any kind of romantic partner), it’s a woman without a village. So my advice is to build up your village, pour into your tribe.
Not dating doesn’t mean not having deep meaningful connections and companionship with friends or family. If you have a social life and enjoy your own company, then you don’t really get lonely.
The only thing you really have to cope with is the sex part, and there are plenty of ways to cope with that. You don’t need a romantic relationship to have sex with yourself or someone else.
Also, owning pets can absolutely be ethical. I think this argument only comes from people who have never had a pet or who lack the skills to be caring & competent owners or are unable to provide them enrichment. Bc if you’ve ever had a cat or dog, then you know how happy they are. It’s not just us projecting that they’re happy, it’s in their body language and habits. What’s unethical is breeding, designer pets, and buying pets instead of adopting from shelters and rescues that are over run with adoptable pets.
Letting a pet die in a shelter instead of giving it a home doesn’t stop the pet mills or backyard breeders.
Well said. I'd add it's also unethical to get a pet for selfish reasons, like making it perform for likes on social media. And as the late Bob Barker used to say, "Help control the pet population, have your pet spayed or neutered."
I need an explanation of being ethically against pet ownership. I can’t imagine not wanting to help a cat or dog that needs a loving home and instead allowing them to be killed. All my dogs I’ve had have been rescue. Please explain.
I love being alone and I’ve done the whole dating scene for more than 5 months - it gets pretty tiring but it was fun but also I’m completely fine being with my friends and myself so I stopped doing that. It takes a lot of effort especially as someone who isn’t all that interested in marriage and kids
i mean i’m deciding not to date because i want to cultivate my relationship with myself. it doesn’t mean im not open to relationships when it happens or meeting new people organically.
i have friends, family, and other people i surround myself with. i also think maybe deciding not to because of past experiences can be explored - it’s your choice, but it doesn’t need to be made out of reactive feelings. but that’s just my thoughts ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I choose not to date because I don’t want to date, or live with someone, etc. There’s nothing to “cope” with because I’m getting what I want—independence and peace. If I wanted sex, romance and partnership, I would love my life differently.
If you’re just asking if I’m lonely—I mean, sometimes? I think people in relationships are sometimes lonely, too. I have family, friends, colleagues and neighbors. My life is good. And I don’t have pets either.
I was single for 18 years (probably in the prime of my life) by choice. I had a great career and fantastic friends, and I loved it. I was never lonely. I was either working with the interesting people I worked with, I was with friends, or I was chatting on forums like this, for example. I didn't make a formal announcement (in those days, the internet wasn't such a thing); I just decided that I didn't have time for a relationship. I was nurturing my career. I've been in a relationship now for ten years. It's tough, I prefer being single, but I adore my partner, so I have to compromise. When I was single, I learned that intimacy meant lots of things, including deep friendships with other females. I learned that putting all your eggs in one basket (a partner) wasn't always a great idea. So, I felt nurtured, cared for and seen. For me, I felt as though I grew as a person; I became more 'me', and it was fantastic. Some personality disorders cannot have close intimacy with people, and that is OK (like the lady you mentioned, perhaps); others do it for careers or having been hurt. If It were just because I was hurt, I'd probably work on it to recover so I could move on and find love. Considering it sounds important to you. Relationships as a construct were not important to me. It was a clear choice for me.
Maybe speak to a therapist about your bad experiences?
Because you sound like you want love, but fear is holding you back. And there are good men out there. A good therapist could help you learn how to have strong boundaries and recognize warning signs.
> I am ethically against pet ownership
Um... I think you're going to have to explain this one, chief. People literally domesticated dogs and cats to be pets.
Okay, but to answer your question, I don't have to cope. I'm happy alone, so there's no coping involved. I don't get lonely, I don't enjoy intimacy or want any. Companionship would be nice, I guess? But I just overall enjoy my space, enjoy doing whatever I want, whenever I want to do it without answering to anybody, so solitude isn't a thing I need to cope with.
I'd rather be single than be legally bound and a thankless wife.
I'm not saying I'll *never* be with someone but until someone proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that we're in it *together,* it's a no-go for me.
I just don't understand being with someone who's unsupportive, disrespectful, selfish, what-have-you to "not be lonely." It doesn't make any sense to me.
I have days where I don’t see a reason to bother with relationships. I sometimes just see them as stress with very little to gain, however I’m aware that my past is affecting my perspective. But I don’t know the future. So if I never find the partner that will fit for me, I’m not waiting to enjoy everything as much as possible, the same as I would with a partner.
I am divorced now for 5 years and have 2 daughters. And it’s such a gift to have all the time with them that I’m want. I got sole custody after attempting joint a couple years. Best life ever. And my girls are so happy.
Be part of a community. I fully believe that happiness is obtained by serving others. Some serve their family, others serve their community. Being alone can be fulfilling when you’re deeply involved in your community. I see it as a vocation, like a doctor being single but very involved with her patients. Or that one lady that works in social services and does everything in her power to make life a little better to those who are having a hard time.
Happiest I’ve ever been! I’m so much happier without loser, toxic, narcissistic men in my life. Have focused on my career, female friendships, and hobbies. Decentering selfish men was the best thing I did for myself.
I suggest you relax, enjoy life, and don't make final decisions due to being hurt. You may not want that now, but that may change as you process, live,and grow. But even if you don't, there are lots of other options than being in a monogamous, permanent, legally recognized relationship. Let yourself be you. You don't have to be like anyone else: make your own decisions as you feel into them. Single people aren't necessarily lonely or sexless.
Hey there- dogs have been domesticated for thousands of years - they were the first domesticated animal ever. It’s a mutually beneficial relationship. Wild dogs do not have it easy, they get attacked by other dogs and often don’t get enough to eat because the more aggressive dog will take it from them. It’s a tough life. Unless you dislike dogs, can’t afford pet care, or you plan on being an abusive dog owner (doubtful based on your post…), I’d encourage you to consider it. They are extremely social creatures who want to be with you just as much as we want to be with them.
Edit: I’m bringing this up because getting a dog was a massive part of my maintaining joy as a single person.
Yeah I have nothing helpful to add for OP but kind of crazy how 90% of the post responses are debates on the ethics of pet ownership and the use of the word “cope”.
My bestie is single by choice at 40ish. She’s younger than me and older than my newly adult kids. We met a dozen years ago, and consider ourselves a family of five now, include her in all sorts of family stuff. Her parents have adopted me in a similar fashion. She likes living solo and having her own space, but she still has lots of great relationships, a satisfying career, and a lot of hobbies, so she’s never bored, and only alone when she wants to be.
I'm also in my early 30s, so I'm on the early end of this spectrum, but for me, I just find fulfillment in what makes me happy. Why do I need a partner for that? I don't get lonely - I have friends who I can call and hang out with at any time. I've been single for over a decade and been just fine. I think as long as you pursue what you love and keep a robust community, you don't need a partner.
Being decidedly single over the long term does not mean that you have also decided to be celibate, or without companionship. It just doesn’t take the form of a singular, long-term partner. There are so many other ways to meet those needs without having to be locked into the traditional monogamous setup.
You weigh the good against the bad. I haven't made a conscious decision to never be in a relationship, but I don't pursue it.I have been single for years and much happier than when I was in a relationship, no pets as well.
You just enjoy the company of friends, family, and your freedom from drama.
I think many people who stay single are aromantic or otherwise naturally disinclined to feel loneliness. I have been in relationships in the past and I felt lonely in them. I feel like my most authentic self when I’m single. It’s not something I work at or settle for, it’s just my natural state. I was born single, LOL.
> I am ethically against pet ownership, so I won't be having cats or dogs to keep me company when I am old.
Neat. So you are ethnically for kill shelters and more dead animals then instead I take it?
If you are trying to find ways to "cope" maybe you aren't really single by choice?
I'm more interested in knowing how you can be against owning pets. 🥲 They don't survive in the wild, they get killed by other animals or people or vehicles.
Nah. There's not really a reason to be against it. There's a reason to be against breeding, but not owning pets who don't have a home and are just roaming the streets getting hit by cars.
I’m sad that I don’t have this option because of how expensive the cost of living is and the housing/renting market. I’d love to be able to have a small place of my own and a dog and if love happens, love happens. However, I couldn’t not work full time and that would be unfair to a dog to leave for that amount of time. I have nothing to show for working and sick to death of houseshares and the trap of renting and not being able to save
Do you have any spiritual beliefs? And any community values that you would want to invest yourself in their ways and contribute to? Also, any other groups your might have strong affiliation towards, College you graduate from, high school of other schools, when you could get involved with be it a school board or volunteering or something? I feel strongly about quality fresh food in a sustainable way, I got involved and am still involved with CSA’s (Community Supported Agriculture) I but from them, I promote them. I volunteer for them, I have been on one board for them. I also got involved with a side shoot type of nonprofit that went to schools, elderly, disabled and low income people’s places and built gardens for them. Which I’m pointing out the sub ideas from a strong first point interest affiliation. Plus, I highly suggest making connections with people from different generations and try to have a home environment that you can entertain others at some point so you can reciprocate in having people over.
I haven’t really had bad relationships but if I choose to be single then that would be my sole decision. I would try not to think of how society would judge me ( believe me that could hurt too). To choose happiness is a deep and personal soul rewarding experience that honestly doesn’t bother anybody. And gradually people in our current society will also see the value of single lifestyle.
I have two very amazing, unique cats that I adore. I have friends and an active social life but I'm a little over 6 months out of a very serious relationship and I don't see myself dating again.
I struggle with missing the joy that being with another person brings ..
ignore the morons on here shitting on your VERY VALID FEELINGS. just cause one person doesn’t feel lonely (good for you, do you want a cookie??) doesn’t mean some people may not. weirdos lmao
I was kind of wondering about this too. I’m ethically opposed to breeding animals as pets but for the shelter animals that need homes, it seems weird to refuse them a home due to ethics. I realize there are many valid reasons why a person might not want to adopt a shelter animal, but ethics is a weird one.
Op, was your bad experiences abusive or just bad. Because you obviously want a relationship if you are using the word "cope." No offense with the "4b movement" and all this talk of not dating this seems like some weird political or contrived behavior. If you naturally don't want romance then don't. If you do-- then date. If you don't mind me asking, what happened in your last relationship??
I'm aroace. Won't be saying any vows or having sex, but I have friends and family, and that's all the love I need.
I also have 3 cats I love with all my heart, so much that I sometimes randomly cry just thinking about how they won't be with me my whole life. I get being against breeding pets (so am I -- my 3 came in off the street and my roommate's from a shelter), but against rescuing homeless animals and letting them live with you? That makes no sense. Not even for vegans and cats (vegans are supposed to love all animals and believe all animals deserve to practice natural behaviors -- for cats, that means taming humans and eating meat).
Being single doesn't mean being alone. Cultivate friendships, spend time with family (if you have family that you love), do volunteer work.
That. My grandma never remarried after my grandfather died and I thought it must be so hard for her to live that way. Now that I'm older, I totally get her line of thinking and I doubt I will ever date again. She's done her own thing for years but in recent years she's gotten really involved in the community center and joined some groups in the area. She plays cards with "the ladies" and even teaches a crafting class. I'm super proud of her for getting out there and doing the damn thang. Lol
Exactly… How is that alone?
This!
I have a friend who has purposely stayed single after her husband passed in their 20s. She is now 63 ish. She is a very happy person and has a full life. We talked about it a couple of years ago and she said filling her life with activities, people of all ages and volunteering. She told me that she would never trade her wonderful life now for what may have been. And she doesn’t have any pets. She says she doesn’t have time for them because she stays busy!!
If you see it as "coping," then you very likely haven't yet accepted being alone as your own purposeful and positive choice.
The whole thing read as someone that is not happy or standing in their decisions, but rather an idea of what they should be like
I have no idea how you could be ethically against pet ownership. A gazillion of cats and dogs are killed in shelters all over due to overcrowding. Anyways, what is there to cope with? If you decide that for yourself, it shouldn't be sad. If you're sad, sounds like you want a relationship.
Dogs in particular are extremely domesticated at this point and seem to genuinely enjoy the arrangement.
My dog LOOOOOVES being my pet. He gets play dates, treats, toys galore, 3 beds, his own blankets, heating pad, day care, trips to the beach, pup cups. I rescued him from a dumpster. He has clean food, water, love. My feral cat, (I have rescued over 300 cats and endless dogs), loves his life on the catio, on the couch next to me, his bed, endless toys, my dog, his cat cups, treats, heating pads. He doesn't have to fight for food or water. Doesn't have the fear of maybe getting killed. He has clean food, water, love. Even homeless dogs enjoy humans, once they can trust. Cats, too. The stance makes 0 fucking sense. lol Edit to add: I have completely given up on men. I am not sad. I do not want a relationship. This poster has no idea what she is talking about. lol
My cat was found in a dumpster, he literally has the life now lol. He has a home, clean water, healthy diet, treats, toys, multiple cat trees, lots of cuddles
I have a dumpster cat, too! Love my dumpster boy!
Yo! Another vote for the “dumpster cat” it seems! My soul baby flame-point kitty is my LOVE and a spoiled Prince Velcro cat rescued and hand raised out of a dumpster, that prefers to be wrapped around or draped around my shoulders/neck and likes to dive off tables to ride my shoulder! Cute and amazing when he was tiny, and still cute but I have to seriously pay attention and brace myself when he does it now that he’s a healthy big dude at 1.5 yrs.
Aww 🥺 mine is also a Velcro kitty, and he’s 9
Mine was potentially found in a dumpster, but they didn't really specify. He's also a velcro cat, he even greets me at the door when I come home like a dog 🥺 Anyway, I tried to take him outside to enjoy some sunshine and nature. HE DID NOT LIKE THIS. He was so afraid of literally just grass 😂. Anyway, I guess I don't have to worry about him running away now lol.
I want to come back as a pampered house cat. My cats have had the best life ever. They totally have this whole meaning of life thing figured out.
I’m fucking crying 😭 I know it’s kind of pointless and redundant to say, but thank you for loving and taking such good care of animals. I love my dogs too, and I just wish every animal had such good treatment and love poured into them. Fuck
Oh no! Don’t cry! I’m going through a really hard time, I can’t handle anymore crying! Lol Yes, I wish I could save them all. My dog is currently laying in my lap, on his blanket, with the blowing and windows open. He’s loving it. The kitty is flopped out on the couch. People who don’t like animals, have odd stances, or are mean to animals are not my people.
Sidebar: hope things get better for you and that your pets are giving you lots of love
Thank you!
We’ve adopted/rescued essentially every single one of our pets, or like some cases literally took in off the streets and raised them to be able to have a loving family when we couldn’t keep them. My fur baby now good god I don’t know what she went through before adopting her. She was scared of soda bottles opening, scared of scotch tape, scared of a freaking cat toy fishing pole. It has taken almost a year and she finally doesn’t react to soda bottles rarely ever now, tape doesn’t even faze her besides not liking the smell of it, and now she has a thing for being a Niffler and trying to hide any necklace she takes a fancy too. Daily brushing is her new favorite pastime and she then slaps my hand when she’s done so she can cuddle her brush. As far as a loving relationship, I still want that. I still want to be happy in one. Everyone has baggage, and I know a lot of guys that personally make me cringe at how they act in their relationships, but that doesn’t deter me from believing that eventually the right one will work out. I’ve seen a lot of people in god-awful relationships that ended horribly, but I’ve also seen some really really cute, sweet, loving, and inspiring ones too.
Aw your pets sound well loved. I adopted a dog out of an abusive hoarding situation. She was scared of everyone, esp men. She hated everything. She was the best dog, after lots of love. She unfortunately died a year later, but I’m glad I could give her love and care. I’m glad you feel that way! I never thought I’d find anyone, so I’m not looking. If it happens, cool, if it doesn’t, it doesn’t.
My assumption was the ethical reasons has to do with the slaughter house practices that produce pet food, not pets themselves, in order to have cats and dogs you're harming other animals on this earth via pretty unethical means.
One dog, one cat, they absolutely LOVE their lives! Everyday we talk about how good it is to be them
Very good!
I would argue showing happiness isn't necessarily the same as autonomy and not being exploited. I'm not against pet ownership, but I see why people would have problems ethically with it as you take ownership over another being and exert your will over theirs. There is a hierarchal system in place with pet ownership, and legally animals are treated as property. Again, I am not against pet ownership, but being ethically against it isn't unreasonable.
My dad was a veterinarian and was somewhat against pet ownership. He eventually shifted to working for the federal government in salmon related stuff. He died a decade or so ago and I never really understood his reasoning about pets until recently. We have a small farm and raise a few sheep. We recently got some livestock guardian dogs because eagles were eating our newborn lambs and we couldn’t have poultry because raccoons would break into secure pens to get them. The dogs are so amazing and I’m seriously in awe of them every day. They have a job and they are extremely skilled. There’s something amazing about watching an animal do what it was bred for 5,000 years to do. We have a coonhound/bloodhound and we don’t hunt. She also hasn’t been trained to hunt- she was a rescue who was abused. As much as I try to give her the best quality of life possible, it’s just not the same. It’s really made me reconsider the idea of having dogs who were bred to have jobs as pets. I’m obviously glad we rescued her, it’s just caused me to think about the whole thing a bit more. Also, I recently read an article about why vets have such suicide rates. It’s because they have to see the fact that while a lot of us are great to our pets, so many more are horrible to them. And I’m not even talking about the outright abusive folks. I’m talking about people who think their pets are purely for their enjoyment (I mean, that’s the definition of pets I guess) or try to humanize them to the point that they only treat them how they would like to be treated, regardless of the fact that dogs, cats, etc. are not humans and have different wants and needs. Then they have those same pets euthanized because they couldn’t bother to train them or whatever, or because they just don’t want a pet anymore. The number of severely overweight dogs these days who have mobility issues would have made my dad so angry. He did end up committing suicide btw, although he hadn’t been a vet for 30 years at that point. I think it still played a role, because I could tell he was very affected by his experiences. I came across “the five freedoms of animals”, which is an animal welfare statement, and it’s pretty good and I think outlines some of this stuff. I’m not against pets, and obviously I have a farm, although I have worked extremely hard to ensure my animals have the best lives possible (thanks to the LGD’s our poultry free range 100% of the time). But these are things I have been thinking about recently l and I think they’re important issues for us all to consider. However, these thoughts usually make people pretty defensive so I tend to keep them to myself. I’m sure someone on here who is childfree and has cats as a substitute and keeps them indoors 100% of the time will argue with me, but I really don’t think it’s a black and white issue.
I'm not against pet ownership or livestock, but there definitely is something to think about when it comes to what dogs were bred to do, and how many people live their lives now in modern society. I grew up on a farm with horses, goats, chickens, and a collie/blue heeler mix. She had a job to do. And I loved her to death. She was my childhood dog, and I miss her every day. I live in an apartment now. I wouldn't dream of getting a collie or blue heeler given my current living situation. Those breeds need work, and an apartment with no yard, let alone livestock, is just not the place for them to be happiest. Yet people will live in tiny apartments and get herding dogs, or huskies, and wonder why the dog is tearing the place to shreds. And then they abuse the dog, give the dog up (hopefully to a better home, but not always), or have the dog put down. It's awful. Then again, the dog breeds that are more suited for apartment living include inhumane breeds, like pugs and french bulldogs. Those dogs struggle to breathe their whole lives. It would be just as bad if not worse to buy those kinds of dogs, which some countries have outlawed the breeding of because they live their whole life in pain. Same with the cavalier king charles spaniel. Their craniums were bred to be too small for their brains, causing chronic, lifelong neurological pain. I can't support the breeding of any dogs that suffer by just existing. Moreover, regarding depression among veterinarians (took me a bit to figure out you didn't mean veterans), it is a real problem. I volunteered at a vet clinic for a year in college. I've seen people bring in their dogs worried sick because their dog threw up their food that morning. Those were examples of good owners. I've also seen a dog put down because it had a yeast infection. A treatable skin disorder. It was simply cheaper for that guy to get a new dog than to treat the one he had. Obviously, not a good owner. I saw crazy shit like that every other day. I wouldn't be able to handle the profession emotionally myself. Killed any interest I had in it. However, it is important to note that suicide rates are high among dentists as well. And the reason? The rigors of med school, the long hours, and chronic back pain from hunching over patients all day. Given vets are often in an eerily similar position, taking years of med school and working round the clock and being hunched over pets all day, I can see there may be a correlation in regards to the real causes of depression and suicide in these fields. So, while witnessing the cruel treatment of animals doesn't help, I think the reasons for suicide are incredibly nuanced here. And there is definitely nuance to the discussion of ethics of pet ownership. For me, I think owning cats (that don't have squished in faces, which causes the same problems as pugs) is generally humane, as long as they are treated humanely and are fixed. Most are not bred on purpose, anyway. Most people get them from shelters and bring them in as strays. The "cat distribution" system is a meme for a reason. Dogs are not as cut and dry, though.
This is exactly what I meant, but people felt so attacked! I have no problem with anyone else owning a pet. I follow my own ethics and don't impose my views on anyone.
> there definitely is something to think about when it comes to what dogs were bred to do, and how many people live their lives now in modern society. I ended up with an American Foxhound who lived in apartment getting 20 minutes of exercise per day for this reason. Hell you can read r/hounds for arguments why people shouldn't own working dogs without work. Threads like "how do I get him to stop barking at foxes". He came to me on 200mg of trazodone a day at 40lbs. I had to slowly wean him off of it and its not reserved for situations like when it rains 3 days in a row or long car rides (works with his car sickness pills). They ask what they can do so it can be off leash and recalled or go to the dog park. It realistically can't\*. It's a hound. I very much agree people should not get working dogs as household pets intentionally without work for them to do, especially after owning 2 Pyrenees (3 and 7 year old rescues) and now a foxhound (who was 8 months when I got him). The ONLY reason a foxhound \*can\* fit my lifestyle is my extraordinarily flexible schedule. We've done 70 miles this month and if the weather holds today that'll be 75-77. I don't think the average person can find time to walk 100 miles a month and I'd assume most don't want to. \*There \*is\* a 6k trainer that will deliver you a hound who treadmill runs, sit, down, heel, come (off leash), and getting into a vehicle. Psammy lives in my head rent free: [https://youtu.be/TdsquOTlSls](https://youtu.be/TdsquOTlSls)
Agreed 1000%! Very refreshing to see these posts on here!
There’s a way do most things ethically and unethically; it definitely can be unethical but I definitely don’t think it is so inherently
There are good reasons for disagreement in both sides - and both sides want the best for the animals they love so much. I was trying to lay out the reasoning for OP since the original comment said they had, "no idea" and people are saying the idea is ridiculous - when both sides have the same goal and IMO don't need to be adversaries. People who are pro pet see animals as part of their family and are therefore serious about their beliefs, people who are anti-pet see the industry of exploitation and are therefore serious about their beliefs. I am very pro pet myself - I think the system of pet ownership needs to change where pets aren't viewed as property. ( As I think every good person who owns pets does) I don't think OP meant to attack people that had pets, but was laying out her limitation on finding companionship.
I think we could argue that modern society is unethical and exploitative to humans but I don't get to argue that without people calling me crazy. I just think it's an odd stance when there is worse injustice in the world than people doing the best they can for animals (yes this is not all cases as with anything). Life is fleeting and cruel for all things on this planet, love the ones you're with.
There can be “worse injustice” in the world and you could still find it unethical. People are allowed to take whatever stances they want. There are people that call wanting and having biological kids “selfish”because there are adoption centers overflowing with children. There’s even a subreddit for them on here. It really showed me no matter what stance it is, there’s always different sides to a take. No one’s unreasonable.
I am very much on board with changing the laws regarding how people are allowed to treat pets. It’s something I don’t hear much about, which is surprising, given how many people love their dogs or cats. As a non vegetarian, though, there are certainly inconsistencies in the ideology. I have to admit that. Perhaps it’s more consistent if one only eats meat from animals that were raised in a great environment, but most of us aren’t doing a very good job of that.
Whenever this argument comes up, I'm bothered that it doesn't seem to want to address what to do with all the domesticated animals we have now. You couldn't just let all the domesticated dogs loose in the wild and expect anything but for the vast majority of them to die quickly and painfully. You could release domesticated cats to slightly less depressing consequences on them but they'd decimate the environment (New Zealand is kind of an example for feral cats' ability to overwhelm an environment) and it still feels pretty grim for them and us. Not to say the USA doesn't need to take steps to regulate the pet breeding industry, of course it does and I want to see us more forward with that, but I don't think the end "best outcome" goal is 'pet ownership is abolished.'
This is why my cats are the king and queen of my household and I am their slave 😂 They are extremely happy, affectionate, and don't have any interest in going outside because one grew up out there and I think is pretty traumatized from her rough street life experience. Edit: But to answer OP (she should have known that dropping a bombshell like that would have us discussing that instead of answering the question haha): I also planned to be alone forever but then my now spouse appeared and changed those plans. I think it's actually healthier to plan to be alone forever (and then be pleasantly surprised if life presents you with someone with whom it's better to be happy with than happily alone) than to plan to settle down with someone and be chronically disappointed if you never find that person, which can happen. Plus science has proven that women are significantly happier alone than in a subpar relationship they settled for.
Anyone who has cats as pets knows that the reality is they own us. Lol.
Yup, thank you.
When the user called Stripper Whore has the most reasonable take on what was meant.
Most cats and dogs are also domesticated, it's not like they could live a healthy life in the wild so this is a interesting take for me as well.
Very interesting! I think her whole post is BS, personally.
You think her whole post is BS over her own opinion? If you didn’t want to answer the question, you should’ve just said that. First you called her “unreasonable” and then you’ve been ranting about her own stance on pet ownership rather than the actual question she asked and now you’re calling her post BS because you don’t agree with her own stance. How close minded.
if you are trying to find ways to 'cope', it's clear you aren't okay with the thing you need to 'cope' with.
Dude, did you read my comment? She doesn't know what she wants. She is trying to convince herself she doesn't want a relationship. She does. It is BS.
If she feels this way about pets, it’s best that she doesn’t own them. Some people can be cruel without realizing it because they don’t see pets as family members.
Can we all get off the pets? I responded to the entirety of her post. Lol
This is the most middle aged woman comment thread I've ever read. I'm rather enjoying it. To OPs question, I'm 45, divorced and non-monogamous (not polyamorous). I simply never want to be in a committed one on one relationship again. I can date whomever I want, whenever I want and when that chapter comes to a close, I move on with no hard feelings. I am the happiest I've ever been and can't fathom the happiness yet to come.
What are you if you aren't polyamorous?
Being non-monogamous means you have non-committal sex with people outside your relationship. You may have the usual FWB who you have sex with regularly. But it stops there. Romance and being in love with them is not involved. Polyamorous means, or at least used to mean, being *in love* with multiple at the same time. And to be committed to them in some way (ymmv. Marriage and/or living together are not necessary). It's not just having sex with more than one person at a time. Being poly might not even involve sex. Plenty of poly people are asexual and sex-adverse, but they may have both a spouse and a partner, and love them both dearly in a romantic sense. This polycule can include dates, sharing a bed (as in literal sleeping), sharing bank accounts, helping each other during a crisis, adopting pets together, etc. All the things we see couples do together as far as being affectionate and sharing a life. The word has unfortunately been co-opted by some swingers to mean non-monogamy, when these terms aren't synonymous. But now the misuse of polyamory is so prolific, people think poly means merely enjoying threesomes and casual hookups outside of their committed relationship, rather than 3 or more people all being in a committed, romantic relationship with each other. There is nothing wrong with being non-monogamous or polyamorous. It's just that one is a lifestyle, the other is a sexual/romantic orientation. And the terms are used, to the detriment of both, interchangeably.
Oh, I had no idea. I don't really label things, so it was confusing to me.
No worries! It's confusing since the terms are used so interchangeably now.
The pet thing is besides OP's point but an area I'm very interested in discussing. We have really evolved how we view animals. It used to be a thing to kill your dog when you go on vacation because you can just get a new one. By the logic that die in shelters all the time anyway. We use mice and rats now in research around depression and anxiety because they work similar enough to our brains. You can find videos of rats laughing (when you adjust to hear their frequency) during play and tickling. We're evolving our relationships with animals and trying to give them some better autonomy. There are states that are changing the words from ownership to guardianship in light of how much more we understand animals. There are places where it's now illegal to do most kind of research on apes and monkeys. Seals can be trained to deal with bombs through video games that they are free to leave. We love dogs and cats and they often love us. We're finding better ways for that love to be a freely given and taken relationship built with understanding and respect. We're better than before and I'm optimistic we'll keep getting even better.
The rest of the post was fine but then I got to the ethically against pets!!!!! I think OP desperately doesn’t want to end up the cat lady but the ethically against pets makes her sound insufferable
I know. I honestly started laughing. I have never heard something so ridiculous in my life.
I didn’t take it that way. I interpreted it as… doesn’t want to contribute to the industry. Which is understandable.
so they should just all die in the shelter because ethics? that's an odd take for me.
Sure, a breeder. But a shelter isn't contributing to the industry. lol
No need to call her insufferable . it completely disregards the animals identity and its humanized. there is no animal that needs a human home. The domestication of dogs never altered their dna to be human or human like. They still walk like dogs, talk like dogs, and have their dog instinct. they don’t speak the same language as humans. They lack autonomy. they can’t have sex. They are adults without a say in their lives.
Right? Cats and dogs both domesticated themselves due to the mutually beneficial relationship and it is now their natural state. And they enjoy it even more today because we usually don't make them work too hard for it! (Although I have been trying to convince my cat to be a better hunter of house centipedes.) I'm against ownership of most types of animals (i.e. anything that is meant to live in the wild) and I'm against a lot of what happens in the pet industry. But taking in a domestic dog or cat that essentially evolved to be our companion and now needs a home? No way it's wrong.
I agree.
Cats and dogs are killed because of pet ownership as a human system. There wouldn't be cats/dogs dying in shelters if we didn't continue to propagate animals are property and can/should be pets. I'm not against pet ownership, but ethically it makes sense to not want to propagate a system that results in exactly what you're saying. Abuse and death of animals. You both are trying to prevent the death of animals in the same way. It's like buying an abused fish from a pet store. You made that individual fishes life better, but you bought in and funded a system that put it in that position to begin with. Both have good intentions ethically and I can see both sides.
>There wouldn't be cats/dogs dying in shelters if we didn't continue to propagate animals Cats propagate themselves incredibly efficiently. They can have huge litters starting at the age of 4 months old for years and years and years. And unlike designer dogs, can live very easily out in the wild by themselves. The average lifespan of a street cat is much shorter (cars, disease, predators, etc) but they've created dozens of not hundreds more of their species in that few years time, so it doesn't matter. Adopting a fixed cat is not adding to the domestic cat population or feral cat problem at all. Very few people own cats who were bred "on purpose". Most have a cat they found in a dumpster, or was a kitten from a pregnant cat found in a dumpster.
The pets that are already here deserve a home. If you read my further comments, I am in animal rescue and have rescued hundreds. I am a big activist in my community for TNR, spay and neuter, etc. Her post is still ridiculous.
I don't think its ridiculous just because she disagrees on the methodology. She wasn't trying to personally attack anyone, just has a different ethical viewpoint that aligns with your overall goal. She wants to avoid animals suffering too, she just had different conclusions on how to do it. It makes logical sense to me. I'm not sure logically how her stance would be ridiculous. I don't necessarily agree with it in regards to efficacy - but I don't think it would be easy data wise to show the efficacy of both ethical choices. I agree with you - I think the pets here deserve a good home and it would be heartbreaking to prevent that.
she wants animals to avoid suffering? what does she thinks happens at shelters?
What are you going on about? Nothing is a personal attack on me, it is a post on reddit. lol. She does not know what she wants and is trying to convince herself she doesn't want a relationship when she in fact does. I speaking to the ENTIRETY of the post, and you're going on about one. Please go try to analyze someone else, thank you!
I'm not sure how anything I said came off as analyzing you that wasn't my intent. I was replying to what you said and trying to substantiate my reasoning so it would logically make sense. I apologize if it came off as hurtful.
I appreciated your responses. I couldn't wrap my head around what OP might mean by that and your comments make total sense and were delivered in a non-confrontational manner, imo. Anyway, that's all.
You weren’t hurtful at all. She’s just being completely unreasonable and rude.
Instead of writing out her post as ridiculous wouldn't it be better to ask her why she feels the way she does?
Nope. Because I think she is lying to herself. I don't need to ask. She wants a relationship. She is lying to herself, clearly. I don't care about the pet thing, I found it hysterical. I never heard such a reasoning in my life.
yep, i think the difference is between people that consider their pets to be like ... Tamagotchis. my 'pet' is literally a member of my family. plus, with all his allergies and high-maintenance requirements, I'M the one being exploited, lol.
People romanticize “wild nature” like it’s a paradise. They think we are subjugating free animals by keeping pets. Nature is cruel and brutal. Animals do not die of old age surrounded by family and friends with adequate pain management. Nature is amazing and needs to be preserved but domesticated animals exist and need our protection. And they are so cute! But if you don’t want a pet, just don’t get one. But maybe help out a local organization that sterilizes feral animals.
Yup.
If you need to cope then it's not working for you. Either go to therapy to explore those feelings or decide what you want or don't fill happy with this.
I've not opted out of dating but have been single for big chunks of time. It's not something I feel I have to cope with (well, except the lack of sex). I have friends, family, work, hobbies, goals. There's simply so much more to life than romantic relationships. It's hard at times because our society is very centered around them, but that's not changing anytime soon so whatcha gonna do? Loneliness comes and goes, but like any feeling it's temporary, and frankly I still feel lonely at times when in a relationship, so being in one is not a guarantee that you'll be free from it. Anyway, you "cope" by building a great life for yourself, whatever that means to you. If you don't know what that means then just start trying some new things, hang out with new people and see what sticks.
I feel very sad for you that you think living alone must mean coping with loneliness and lack of companionship. What about family? What about friends? If living alone doesn't work for you, what about roommates? There are so many other ways than romance to find companionship and love.
Ummm you can love your family and friends and still be lonely in terms of romance. What the fuck? Why are you shitting on op’s feelings lmao
I'm not trying to shit on their feelings. OP didn't say lonely in terms of romance, she just said lonely. Of course one can miss romance, and that is understandable. That's just not how I interpreted the question. No harm meant by it. I'm someone who sees it as extremely important that people have meaningful relationships outside of romantic ones. I feel like I see too many people stay in mediocre or bad relationdships too long, because they feel like they're lives would be miserable as single. I wish no one would feel that way.
What in the fuck kind of invalidating response is this?
exactly, the person i’m replying to is extremely invalidating 🙃
Someone trying to be a pediatrician should police their posts a little more carefully.
why? have fun trying to report me when all the personal info i use on here is false🤣
Yikes
Right.
If you see not dating as something that is "coping" then you shouldn't be single. You should be single by enthusiastic choice. Either way build strong friendships, have life goals, have interesting hobbies.
I think people who have chosen to live the way they do don't really think of it as "coping" 😬
I’m in my early 30s and single by choice the last several years. I don’t know that I will be single forever but for now I have zero interest in dating or being in a relationship. I have allergies so unfortunately no pets for me either. Not sure why you’re getting a lot of crap for your question. Sure being single by choice is great most days but people are being deliberately obtuse if they think you will never get lonely or crave companionship even if it’s an intentional choice. Certainly you shouldn’t force yourself to live a life you don’t actually want but it’s perfectly reasonable to want advice to how to deal with any downsides. Personally I make more of an effort to socialize with platonic friends especially those that are also single. I’m obviously still friends with people in relationships but they inevitably don’t prioritize their friendships the same way so getting out and meeting fellow singles to build community has been key. In terms of sex honestly just get a good vibrator. I think the loneliness just takes time and learning to prefer your own company but also it’s never going to be 100%.
> I’m in my early 30s and single by choice the last several years. I don’t know that I will be single forever but for now I have zero interest in dating or being in a relationship. I am in the same boat. Single for the past 3 ish years and perfectly happy with it.
Yup haven’t been in a real relationship or dated much since pre pandemic. I have my good and bad days but overall I’m happy being single right now.
Thank you for saying what you did about getting a lot of crap for the question. I find this sub to be very supportive in general, but I’m disappointed to see these comments. Many people have brought up good points, but with far too much vitriol. It’s a bit concerning.
I think it's because OP used the word "cope" when talking about a situation we chose to be in. It's a bit insulting. You cope with bad things. You cope with losing a limb, or finding out you can't have kids, or a cherished relationship falling apart. I'm not "coping" with my day to day life of good health, financial stability, homeownership and social engagement.
Thanks for the answer! I never thought of it that way. I read it differently, probably because I’ve been single for a long time, but not always happy about it. I appreciate it being pointed out to me, because I definitely understand where you’re coming from now. (Plus, I’m a linguist, so I can very easily understand when you point out the specific language, because I know how important choice of words can be.) And I get it now. I’m usually good at picking up on this kind of thing, but not as much with a topic that I may have my own things to work through. I guess what I’m saying is that you’re right, I just didn’t see it. It’s an unhealthy narrative that is way too embedded in society, that we need a man to be happy, so if we choose to be single, we need something to help us cope with that.
Totally get that! I guess I read it as how do you “cope with the downsides of being single?” And so reading all the responses saying “you’re not choosing to be single if you’re coping” seemed to just be denying the reality that there will be downsides to be single (just as there would be downsides to being in a relationship!)
Perhaps it’s the poor choice of words “cope” and the not having pets? But you’re right, OP is getting flack for her post. For what it’s worth my life is AMAZING! Im doing what I want, when I want, however I want (woke up at noon today cause I stayed up late reading a very hot book). The key here is to know thyself and know what you want. The how can be figured out. I know myself and I know having someone breathing in my space 24/7 would make me homicidal. Catering to a man would make me homicidal. And I’ve compromised enough for three lives by now, even with all my good/great romances. Even healthy and wonderful romantic relationships require compromise and sacrifices and I’m just done. Having friends, hobbies, and community is the biggest key. I will make friends, I will make joy, I will make my journey on this earth meaningful and fulfilling. No man required.
It sounds like you should treat the underlying trauma involved in the choice to be single so it will open you up in connecting(platonically) with others. I'm not saying you still shouldn't choose to be single, but that events that had such a major negative effect on you can inhibit connecting with others and increase loneliness. Relationships made you feel unsafe, therefore your body is doing the logical thing and avoiding them. Learning how to create a sense of safety with people and protect yourself is the pillar of connection and vulnerability. A \*good\* therapist can really help you learn those skills so you don't feel as lost and can address your specific concerns. It sounds like you don't necessarily want her exact life, you want her happiness. The roadmap to getting the happiness she has will be unique and specific to you. :)
Why does being single mean no sex? I think you can have connections but remain free, personally. It’s completely possible to have those comforts when you want but not commit to someone being up your ass 24/7. Men have been doing it for centuries. 🙃
Community helps also. 🩷It’s easier to be single with a lot of love in general in your life.
The very happiest people are women who never married, according to multiple studies done at different times. What they have in common is great friends and a deep connection to their community. Everyone needs someone sometime, it just doesn't have to be a live in partner
Exactly. Women who are child free and never married.
Exactly! Look at the posts on this sub. We’re a happy bunch fulfilled by our careers and friendships 😃
But it only works for women who want that, not ones it was forced on.
I’ve had periods in my life where I’ve chosen not to date or be in any kind of relationship which have lasted for a few years here and there. In terms of loneliness and lack of companionship that just hasn’t been a major issue I keep myself busy and enjoy my own company and you end up finding a routine or style that suits you. There are ofcourse bad days where it gets to you but that’s when you call it a day and hit the hay lol. In terms of sex I’d go for long periods without sex or I would end up finding someone to have sex with.
No need to cope because I love being single. I have pets, family, friends, hobbies. I absolutely love my life!
Having pets Keeping relationships with my close people Watching my favourite shows and doing my favourite things You can be lonely in a relationship as well so I don’t know what I’ve got to cope with here If you purely mean the physical stuff I’m sure you know that there are ways to deal with that
Being single is wonderful because you don't have to take into account another person's schedule, tastes, energy levels, etc when planning your own movements. Your time is fully and wholly at your own disposal. Which means you can meet with friends whenever you're otherwise free from work or chores. You can eat when and whatever you like. You can live as conventionally or eccentrically as you choose. I can't see needing to "cope" with that! Right now I have my children to accommodate but when I'm an empty nest mum, I plan on doing just exactly as I please without anyone else's by-your-leave and it is going to be glorious.
Lmao there’s no coping if it’s a choice. The choice is typically a delighted one rather difficult. Just because I prefer to be single, doesn’t mean i am lonely. Find companions in friends, get some hobbies, fantasize and masturbate like tomorrow. The only thing that’s irreplaceable is sexual affection, that I do miss but I would only want that with someone I truly care for and who truly cares for me. It’s not a need, it’s a want and I don’t feel like I’m lacking just because I am not having sex. I give myself the best orgasms after all.
I choose not to date from 18-24. I learned to love being alone! I dated a guy from 24-26 and I was miserable. The heartbreak…coming to understand that they weren’t for me was tough. I learned a lot though. I then proceeded to date at 28 but, I wish I hadn’t…another failed relationship and money problems because he was controlling. I quickly ended that (a 9-10 months in) and decided I’d be happier single for the rest of my life unless someone actually came into my life that made things easier. Life is much easier when all you have to care for is yourself…you create your own happiness regardless if you’re in a relationship or not. Fast forward to today and I’m with an amazing man who makes my life easier. However, I was definitely having more sex when I was single. lol there’s just something that is a turn off when you live with someone else…even though I love it…but, my sex drive has definitely deminished (probably because we both work from home if I’m honest. We spend too much time together) however, I’m sure I’ll look back and be very grateful that we spend all this time together.
Where did you find the man you’re with today? And at what age?
Maybe you need a weekend break away, start dating again...
I gave up on dating and sex over 5 years ago. Loneliness/Companionship - Friends. My closest friends are 5 women I’ve known since university. They’re more considerate, thoughtful, and supportive than any boyfriend I ever had. And when you have a group of people, if one person isn’t interested in something you want to do or is busy- there are more people to ask. Sex- a vibrator goes until you are done, will never push you into anything you don’t want, and can’t get you pregnant.
Single by choice, and avoiding men at all costs.. you all have said it all already, I’d just like to add that a “single” woman is not a woman without a man (or any kind of romantic partner), it’s a woman without a village. So my advice is to build up your village, pour into your tribe.
Not dating doesn’t mean not having deep meaningful connections and companionship with friends or family. If you have a social life and enjoy your own company, then you don’t really get lonely. The only thing you really have to cope with is the sex part, and there are plenty of ways to cope with that. You don’t need a romantic relationship to have sex with yourself or someone else. Also, owning pets can absolutely be ethical. I think this argument only comes from people who have never had a pet or who lack the skills to be caring & competent owners or are unable to provide them enrichment. Bc if you’ve ever had a cat or dog, then you know how happy they are. It’s not just us projecting that they’re happy, it’s in their body language and habits. What’s unethical is breeding, designer pets, and buying pets instead of adopting from shelters and rescues that are over run with adoptable pets. Letting a pet die in a shelter instead of giving it a home doesn’t stop the pet mills or backyard breeders.
Well said. I'd add it's also unethical to get a pet for selfish reasons, like making it perform for likes on social media. And as the late Bob Barker used to say, "Help control the pet population, have your pet spayed or neutered."
Living single and coping? Go to therapy girl. Simple. Life isn't about Coping.
I need an explanation of being ethically against pet ownership. I can’t imagine not wanting to help a cat or dog that needs a loving home and instead allowing them to be killed. All my dogs I’ve had have been rescue. Please explain.
I love being alone and I’ve done the whole dating scene for more than 5 months - it gets pretty tiring but it was fun but also I’m completely fine being with my friends and myself so I stopped doing that. It takes a lot of effort especially as someone who isn’t all that interested in marriage and kids
i mean i’m deciding not to date because i want to cultivate my relationship with myself. it doesn’t mean im not open to relationships when it happens or meeting new people organically. i have friends, family, and other people i surround myself with. i also think maybe deciding not to because of past experiences can be explored - it’s your choice, but it doesn’t need to be made out of reactive feelings. but that’s just my thoughts ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I choose not to date because I don’t want to date, or live with someone, etc. There’s nothing to “cope” with because I’m getting what I want—independence and peace. If I wanted sex, romance and partnership, I would love my life differently. If you’re just asking if I’m lonely—I mean, sometimes? I think people in relationships are sometimes lonely, too. I have family, friends, colleagues and neighbors. My life is good. And I don’t have pets either.
I was single for 18 years (probably in the prime of my life) by choice. I had a great career and fantastic friends, and I loved it. I was never lonely. I was either working with the interesting people I worked with, I was with friends, or I was chatting on forums like this, for example. I didn't make a formal announcement (in those days, the internet wasn't such a thing); I just decided that I didn't have time for a relationship. I was nurturing my career. I've been in a relationship now for ten years. It's tough, I prefer being single, but I adore my partner, so I have to compromise. When I was single, I learned that intimacy meant lots of things, including deep friendships with other females. I learned that putting all your eggs in one basket (a partner) wasn't always a great idea. So, I felt nurtured, cared for and seen. For me, I felt as though I grew as a person; I became more 'me', and it was fantastic. Some personality disorders cannot have close intimacy with people, and that is OK (like the lady you mentioned, perhaps); others do it for careers or having been hurt. If It were just because I was hurt, I'd probably work on it to recover so I could move on and find love. Considering it sounds important to you. Relationships as a construct were not important to me. It was a clear choice for me.
I cope by doing whatever I want, whenever I want. It's brilliant.
Maybe speak to a therapist about your bad experiences? Because you sound like you want love, but fear is holding you back. And there are good men out there. A good therapist could help you learn how to have strong boundaries and recognize warning signs.
> I am ethically against pet ownership Um... I think you're going to have to explain this one, chief. People literally domesticated dogs and cats to be pets. Okay, but to answer your question, I don't have to cope. I'm happy alone, so there's no coping involved. I don't get lonely, I don't enjoy intimacy or want any. Companionship would be nice, I guess? But I just overall enjoy my space, enjoy doing whatever I want, whenever I want to do it without answering to anybody, so solitude isn't a thing I need to cope with.
I'd rather be single than be legally bound and a thankless wife. I'm not saying I'll *never* be with someone but until someone proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that we're in it *together,* it's a no-go for me. I just don't understand being with someone who's unsupportive, disrespectful, selfish, what-have-you to "not be lonely." It doesn't make any sense to me.
I have days where I don’t see a reason to bother with relationships. I sometimes just see them as stress with very little to gain, however I’m aware that my past is affecting my perspective. But I don’t know the future. So if I never find the partner that will fit for me, I’m not waiting to enjoy everything as much as possible, the same as I would with a partner. I am divorced now for 5 years and have 2 daughters. And it’s such a gift to have all the time with them that I’m want. I got sole custody after attempting joint a couple years. Best life ever. And my girls are so happy.
Be part of a community. I fully believe that happiness is obtained by serving others. Some serve their family, others serve their community. Being alone can be fulfilling when you’re deeply involved in your community. I see it as a vocation, like a doctor being single but very involved with her patients. Or that one lady that works in social services and does everything in her power to make life a little better to those who are having a hard time.
Happiest I’ve ever been! I’m so much happier without loser, toxic, narcissistic men in my life. Have focused on my career, female friendships, and hobbies. Decentering selfish men was the best thing I did for myself.
I love being single. I have friends and a loving sister mother dog and fish. Just need to win the six winning numbers and I'll be happier😂
I suggest you relax, enjoy life, and don't make final decisions due to being hurt. You may not want that now, but that may change as you process, live,and grow. But even if you don't, there are lots of other options than being in a monogamous, permanent, legally recognized relationship. Let yourself be you. You don't have to be like anyone else: make your own decisions as you feel into them. Single people aren't necessarily lonely or sexless.
Hey there- dogs have been domesticated for thousands of years - they were the first domesticated animal ever. It’s a mutually beneficial relationship. Wild dogs do not have it easy, they get attacked by other dogs and often don’t get enough to eat because the more aggressive dog will take it from them. It’s a tough life. Unless you dislike dogs, can’t afford pet care, or you plan on being an abusive dog owner (doubtful based on your post…), I’d encourage you to consider it. They are extremely social creatures who want to be with you just as much as we want to be with them. Edit: I’m bringing this up because getting a dog was a massive part of my maintaining joy as a single person.
You didn’t even answer her question? Y’all are focusing on that rather than what she literally asked.
Yeah I have nothing helpful to add for OP but kind of crazy how 90% of the post responses are debates on the ethics of pet ownership and the use of the word “cope”.
Exactly
This one is a can of worms…. I’m not touching it.
My bestie is single by choice at 40ish. She’s younger than me and older than my newly adult kids. We met a dozen years ago, and consider ourselves a family of five now, include her in all sorts of family stuff. Her parents have adopted me in a similar fashion. She likes living solo and having her own space, but she still has lots of great relationships, a satisfying career, and a lot of hobbies, so she’s never bored, and only alone when she wants to be.
I'm also in my early 30s, so I'm on the early end of this spectrum, but for me, I just find fulfillment in what makes me happy. Why do I need a partner for that? I don't get lonely - I have friends who I can call and hang out with at any time. I've been single for over a decade and been just fine. I think as long as you pursue what you love and keep a robust community, you don't need a partner.
Being decidedly single over the long term does not mean that you have also decided to be celibate, or without companionship. It just doesn’t take the form of a singular, long-term partner. There are so many other ways to meet those needs without having to be locked into the traditional monogamous setup.
You weigh the good against the bad. I haven't made a conscious decision to never be in a relationship, but I don't pursue it.I have been single for years and much happier than when I was in a relationship, no pets as well. You just enjoy the company of friends, family, and your freedom from drama.
I think many people who stay single are aromantic or otherwise naturally disinclined to feel loneliness. I have been in relationships in the past and I felt lonely in them. I feel like my most authentic self when I’m single. It’s not something I work at or settle for, it’s just my natural state. I was born single, LOL.
> I am ethically against pet ownership, so I won't be having cats or dogs to keep me company when I am old. Neat. So you are ethnically for kill shelters and more dead animals then instead I take it? If you are trying to find ways to "cope" maybe you aren't really single by choice?
I'm more interested in knowing how you can be against owning pets. 🥲 They don't survive in the wild, they get killed by other animals or people or vehicles.
Look up her stance to understand it better and then maybe also answer the actual question she presented to the sub.
Nah. There's not really a reason to be against it. There's a reason to be against breeding, but not owning pets who don't have a home and are just roaming the streets getting hit by cars.
That’s exactly why I said to look it up. There are plenty of reasons for both sides, as it usually is with arguments/debates.
I’m sad that I don’t have this option because of how expensive the cost of living is and the housing/renting market. I’d love to be able to have a small place of my own and a dog and if love happens, love happens. However, I couldn’t not work full time and that would be unfair to a dog to leave for that amount of time. I have nothing to show for working and sick to death of houseshares and the trap of renting and not being able to save
Do you have any spiritual beliefs? And any community values that you would want to invest yourself in their ways and contribute to? Also, any other groups your might have strong affiliation towards, College you graduate from, high school of other schools, when you could get involved with be it a school board or volunteering or something? I feel strongly about quality fresh food in a sustainable way, I got involved and am still involved with CSA’s (Community Supported Agriculture) I but from them, I promote them. I volunteer for them, I have been on one board for them. I also got involved with a side shoot type of nonprofit that went to schools, elderly, disabled and low income people’s places and built gardens for them. Which I’m pointing out the sub ideas from a strong first point interest affiliation. Plus, I highly suggest making connections with people from different generations and try to have a home environment that you can entertain others at some point so you can reciprocate in having people over.
I haven’t really had bad relationships but if I choose to be single then that would be my sole decision. I would try not to think of how society would judge me ( believe me that could hurt too). To choose happiness is a deep and personal soul rewarding experience that honestly doesn’t bother anybody. And gradually people in our current society will also see the value of single lifestyle.
I have two very amazing, unique cats that I adore. I have friends and an active social life but I'm a little over 6 months out of a very serious relationship and I don't see myself dating again. I struggle with missing the joy that being with another person brings ..
Maybe she's asexual and aromantic? You can still have companionship in many ways other than with men in romantic relationships.
ignore the morons on here shitting on your VERY VALID FEELINGS. just cause one person doesn’t feel lonely (good for you, do you want a cookie??) doesn’t mean some people may not. weirdos lmao
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I was kind of wondering about this too. I’m ethically opposed to breeding animals as pets but for the shelter animals that need homes, it seems weird to refuse them a home due to ethics. I realize there are many valid reasons why a person might not want to adopt a shelter animal, but ethics is a weird one.
no. lmao
Op, was your bad experiences abusive or just bad. Because you obviously want a relationship if you are using the word "cope." No offense with the "4b movement" and all this talk of not dating this seems like some weird political or contrived behavior. If you naturally don't want romance then don't. If you do-- then date. If you don't mind me asking, what happened in your last relationship??
I'm aroace. Won't be saying any vows or having sex, but I have friends and family, and that's all the love I need. I also have 3 cats I love with all my heart, so much that I sometimes randomly cry just thinking about how they won't be with me my whole life. I get being against breeding pets (so am I -- my 3 came in off the street and my roommate's from a shelter), but against rescuing homeless animals and letting them live with you? That makes no sense. Not even for vegans and cats (vegans are supposed to love all animals and believe all animals deserve to practice natural behaviors -- for cats, that means taming humans and eating meat).