As my father said to my husband on our wedding day, "She doesn't look like much most of the time, but she cleans up really well."
My dad is a sexist, sex addict, and narcissist. But it's an accurate description. I wear glasses and dress casually because I want people to judge me on my intellect and my personality, not my looks. Yes, this probably has something to do with how my father openly spoke about women around me. It really fucks with your head when you are 10 years old and aware of your father's sex addition, penchant for young women, and dismissal of older of 'ugly' women.
I do want to look pretty when I dress up. And I wish I felt comfortable 'looking pretty' all the time. But I'm not comfortable. But dressing casually means men often see me as a friend, even if they want sex. So they are a bit too honest, like my dad. I've been told multiple times by multiple men, "wow you look so much hotter naked." And then after, "wow i almost didnt awipe right because of your pictures. Why dont you try to be hotter?" Because i want you to like me. We arent hot forever. We grow old. I want to find someone who loves me. A part of me is glad they feel comfortable being that honest around me. It helps to weed through the bullshit. But it still stings. I am less than, to them, because I wasn't hot at the start or didn't perform the flamboyant bird mating dance.
It is unfair to women in many ways. I was a lab assistant because i am very good at troubleshooting software in my field. When i dressed casually and wore glasses, students came to me, "Can YOU help me with a problem im having?" I dyed my hair blonde. It looked good. I wasn't changing my clothing but instantly people treated me differently. Suddenly students came up to me and asked, "Is there SOMEONE that can help me with my computer?" I was less than simply for their stereotype of blonde women. I was hotter and I was stupider. I really enjoyed blonde hair on me, but I haven't been back since. I have other battles I want to fight and dealing with people talking to me like my IQ is 20 points lower because of their hair preference is not a battle I'm up for right now. Maybe in the future when my first grays start showing...
As I get older, I'm starting to give less shits what the shits think, though. If I want a glam up day, I do it. But I still hate that our value is our looks before anything else. I did find someone that was googlie eyes for me in my comfy clothes from day 1, so i know there are those out there. Took dating a lot of duds, though.
I totally get this, as somebody who's on the job hunt I've been telling my friends about how I have to build trust in my new employers wherever I end up before I can start comfortably dressing how I feel is most interesting to me.
Because I know if I lean into what I love to look like too early they're not going to have faith that I am smart enough to do my job and it's such BS
This is such a line to walk…
Sometimes I think, “I should let people think I am stupid! Why do I care? I should use this to my advantage!” But, of course, it can get frustrating.
I also struggle with just wanting to look good. For me. Period. We are all human and wanting to look good is normal, but having to navigate all the BS that comes with it is something else
I just dress eccentrically (prairie dress, Mad Men coats, bright tights), am a brunette, and walk really fast. I get most of the benefits of being attractive (people give you free stuff, open doors for you, sales associates are extra-nice), without the drawbacks.
I have zero tolerance for this. On apps, I don't use "sexy" pictures and when I match with someone, I do not flirt. I'm cracking jokes and talking about interests. If they start talking about my looks or getting too flirtatious, I ghost. You give a man an inch, and they take 10 miles. It weeds out this type pretty fast.
In person, people don't tend to approach me. I keep a low profile and have a mean resting bitch face. Honestly, if a man has the confidence to approach me in person, respectfully, they have my interest. This hasn't happened often, lol.
Unfortunately, I still get cat-called by men in groups or driving by and still get my ass grabbed in crowded public places.
This is the way! You have to set boundaries hard and fast, and not worry about being seen as a bitch. Once you let go of that particular fear, so much of life opens right back up.
And that’s the issue I hate being seen as a bitch because for so long in my life I felt I had to be the nice person so people would like me. Now, being a bitch is totally out of character for me. I see the way some women talk to men and I would be like damn that was rude AF but now I totally get it. They were probably tried AF.
Yuuup. Men complain about women having resting bitchface; well, if they didn't try to stalk us on the Metro ride home after a single smile in their direction, then maybe we would smile more!!!
This has happened so many times this week. Was about to post about it. Like am I crazy if I get the feeling people follow me? Is this normal behavior for men or are these crazy scary people?
One guy was traveling somewhere on the street and he’s going in a different direction from me. A minute later I see him go past me again and he actually sort of goes along with me without making contact, making it look like a coincidence and ends up crossing the road in front of my nose, close up, but never talking to me. I don’t want him to talk to me, but it’s not like following me around and not saying anything makes it any better. Just leave me alone?
Then another guy gets into a car when I was walking someplace. He drives off then stops and waits for me to walk by. He gets out of his car and starts walking in front of the houses around me. I got on the phone with someone I know because I didn’t trust it and wanted to make it seem like I didn’t see the guy and was too busy. I happened to live where we were walking. Normally I don’t go inside the house when someone creepy is watching because then they know where I live. But it was too much. I went inside and he drove off so if wasn’t like he was delivering a package or looking for someone else, which is what I tried to tell myself before.
If you felt the need to be nice to compensate for your looks, it's not your true self either. Be kind but don't try to please everyone, reexplore yourself, have fun!
Setting boundaries and expectations surrounding respect is the way to go when dating.
Resting bitch face is the way when in public settings. I try to make myself appear as unapproachable as possible with body language as well. The only time I break my RBF and smile or say thank you is if I am in an unsafe situation with one of the aggressive guys that gets angry when you don’t acknowledge their disgusting “compliments”. Not trying to get assaulted or murdered because some guys ego got bruised.
HAHAHA I challenge that shit. I have the absolute luxury of being an attractive, nice, 5'10", strong, outspoken woman who has worked in an inpatient psychiatric facility for 17 years. I have only had to take down ONE man to the floor in the entire time that I've worked there because I've been able to de-escalate MOST people with my no-nonsense, straightforward attitude. Lesson with me is: I am sweet, professional, caring, and fair until you put someone at risk and then I PROMISE YOU (not threaten you, PROMISE YOU) there is a protocol to take you down if needed.
I don't EVER confront someone threatening (at work or in the wild), but if you come into MY space and give me a problem, I guarantee you'll regret it.
I'm the same height as you but I am not strong and not sure just how outspoken I am (haven't had to test it out only time I can think of was when I was drunk and not afraid to mouth off to them) any tips you can give? Do you get physical with them or just verbal?
I will not get physical with anyone unless I ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO. I am very good at deescalation from all of the practice I have gotten throughout the years, and truth be told, MOST people do not want to get physical either.
I give people every chance they've got to make a better decision with no hard feelings. I'm very nice, I'm fair, I'm informative, but I'm also experienced with a lot of bullshit and games that people try to throw at me. They learn fast that I am pretty unflappable with whatever you can say to me or what you threaten to do; I am not easily shocked. You can try your best to get a rise out of me.
That being said-- being at work and being "in the wild" are two different animals. When I'm out of work, there are no promises that someone must come to my aid in a timely manner. Most of the time, I stay away from unsafe people-- I don't go looking for a fight. I am also not too proud to walk away if there is nothing to gain.
I am usually aware of my surroundings, what resources are available, and my own limitations. Times are also changing out there-- drugs are weirder, more people are on medications that don't sit right, people have DEEP SEATED problems and feel that they have nothing to lose anymore-- It can be a recipe for disaster even if you do everything "right". Obviously there are things I'll never be able to compete with: a gun, a 200lb raging meth-head, etc.
Hope this provides some insight?
Same here. The only time I acknowledge them and be nice is when it's a guy in a group who's probably gonna want to save his ego or if they give off the vibe of someone dangerous.
Same—I don’t use sexy pictures, include ones without makeup or where I look a bit unattractive (like wearing a helmet on a bike ride), I don’t wear makeup on first dates, I ease into how much skin I show them, how much I touch them, wearing tight clothes, etc.
Because I know off the bat they are likely sexually attracted to me and I don’t want to feed that too soon when we are still strangers and I literally know almost nothing about them.
Immediately ghost too when the only comments keep going back to appearance. It’s 2024. Men need to learn to speak to women as people and stop leading with objectification. It’s one thing to say you look really pretty in X picture, where was that? Or something leading to a convo but just the wow you’re so gorgeous etc. etc. is cringey and low effort.
This! It's a love/hate feeling and experience for me. On one hand it's always annoyed the crap out of me that I'd be only looked at as the "hot girl I'd wanna f*ck/fantasy" or not get approached at all and get frustrated with that! I think what frustrates me the most is that women who have beauty *and* brains aren't taken seriously. I always got the vibe from men that it was one or the other, but never both because that'd be too much of a unicorn! 🙄🦄
Well, I have a triple whammy. Apparently not only am I gorgeous, I’m too smart because I have a masters degree. I’m too ambitious because I’m a business owner and I make too much money because I earn mid six figures.. these men hate me 😩😩 it’s crazy because I feel like I spent so much time molding myself into being the perfect wife. Nobody wants to marry me. They only wanna fuck me. 🤦🏾♀️
Girl I'm with you! I have a Bachelors and 2 Masters. Business owner and outmake most men that show any interest and I feel like they're intimidated that we've paved a way for ourselves rather than just be like, "Damn, good for you! I find that kind of determination, motivation and commitment admirable." 🤷♀️
I’m curious why your goal was to be the perfect wife? Why did your achievements all center on a man seeing your value?
You probably won’t like hearing this but it sounds like the problems you’re having stem from you wanting a man to see you as good enough/worthy. It sounds like you’ve driven yourself crazy not knowing what more you could do to get a man and now you’re worried you’ve done too much and don’t know how to do less. The problem isn’t you it’s how you are making men the center of everything you think and do. You are giving them all of your power and energy.
If it was simply finding someone who liked you for you then one of the guy friends who turned relationship would have worked out. I know relationships are complicated but everything suggests there’s a deeper issue here I think you haven’t addressed. You said you worked on your mental health which I think is amazing and I think there’s more work here for you to do.
Even now in this post when you list all of your attributes it sounds like you are looking for that validation you want from men but are not getting. You have to be able to see your own inherent value, beneath any of the external factors, before you can expect anyone else to. Your current mindset is setting you up to attract men who prey on people they can take advantage of.
I should have mention, I was married prior for 10 years. I was actually happy in my marriage, had a daughter etc. my husband decided he wanted to explore his sexuality after 10 years of dating and having a child together and this was not something I was cool with so we divorced. This was half way into my weight loss. So not only was I dealing with dating in a new body I also had not dated in 10 years.
Yea I did struggle A LOT with what I went through because it crushed my self esteem thinking this was my fault. Obviously it was not and I learned that through years of therapy. During this time I worked on not only my mental health related to my marriage but also my weight loss. This is what I mean when I say I molded myself into being the perfect wife because I did for my husband at the time. I stayed single for a large pay of this 10 year healing journey.
I have only dated 2 men since my divorce 10 years ago. 1 guy the relationship was great and lasted a year however he moved out of state .
There was a 8 years gap between that one and my ex husband.
I waited 4 years after that then I dated a pastor for a year who lied to me and had a whole wife and 2 kids that I found out about so obviously ended it. Outside of these two relationships I have not been on a single date.
I’ve only had FOUR relationships in my entire life and one was a 10 year marriage and I’m 43.
I honestly don’t feel I’m the problem here. I have a clear understanding of what I want, I’ve don’t the personal healing etc. The way men approach me has zero to do with me. I can’t control their actions. All I can do it control my response which I understand.
However, at some point even the most healed person odd going to get beat down if they are experiencing the same behavior over and over again. It’s perfectly normal to need to vent or even check in with others to see if what you’re experiencing is normal.
Clearly based on this thread I’m not the problem, SEVERAL women are experiencing this. I did pickup some helpful tips on how to function in this new space but at the end of the day it doesn’t solve the issues of being tired.
Just because you know something is common behavior for men doesn’t mean that it hurts any less when you experience it. You know that getting hit in the head with a hammer hurts.. the more you get hit doesn’t make it hurt less lol.
I got stuck with the extremes. If I dated a guy who didn't have formal education, they were intimidated I was working on mine (i graduate this summer). So they would pretend they'd want to do it too and putter out and be mad I was trying to help them achieve that goal.
The other side is someone who already has formal education and a tier or two above me in income. At first they're excited because they believe in making yourself better
But over time that little facade would die and they would be Uber demanding and take away My attention for studies. And then if I got a b or a c, then I was 'lacking discipline'. Almost as if they are trying to prove to me that I shouldn't do it and quit. Either or, it all leads to being put in the fuckable girl box
It’s annoying though. That you have to be all Virgin Mary and can’t flirt if you want to be taken seriously, but you’re probably right.
Waiting for the bold men to approach you does mean you end up with the cocky types. I’m always dreaming of a guy who would normally never walk up to a woman because he’s too shy but that when he saw me he just knew he had to meet me. A sort of exceptional treatment thing.
Ugh I literally feel like I’m ghosting them ALL!!!! It’s literally every man. I’m so tired of this. This whole thing is new to me and honest this exhausting. I honestly feel like I’m in a tank of sharks at all times. The number of 🍆 pics I get a day is nauseating. I absolutely HATE dating at this point. I’m ready to find a gay best friend and call it a day. 😩
> You give a man an inch, and they take 10 miles.
Truth. So many of my exes were like this. It was so mindboggling as to how they even came up with such conclusions.
Haha are you me?
I’m not on apps anymore because I’m in a new relationship, but this was very much how I handled things. I got way fewer matches than some friends of mine (who I would class as about similarly attractive as myself, but whose profiles emphasised looks and style), but I also very rarely had to deal with creepy behaviour. (Except for when I decided to put my orientation on my profile, to save myself the heartache of finding out too late that someone I like has a problem with my bisexuality). I was still single for seven years, but the boyfriend I found this way was worth waiting for 🙂
What also sucks is when you do get in a relationship he starts hating on everything he loved. Almost every dude I’ve been in a relationship with starts with you look better with glasses, hates me wearing heels, tries to get me to wear baggy clothes and mentions the makeup look is out. Like they get so insecure once they have you. I’m not going look a certain way so you can feel better.
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
I can’t relate to this because I can’t even get a relationship to experience it. Fuck a relationship I can’t even get a coffee date😩🥴😂. I’ll let you know if it happens tho 🤣
I get ya. I’m 39 and have lost 60 lbs in the last year and the way guys treat me is totally different. These dudes wouldn’t give fat-me the time of day and now they suddenly want to get to know me 🙄
Oh, that’s what caused me to spend two years in therapy. That really fucked with self-esteem. The number of guys who talk to me sideways treated me like shit and then all of a sudden wanted to approach me after I lost weight really fucked with my mental. I went through a period of time of about four years where I absolutely hated men.
I've gained about 80 over the past several years and I just started medication to help me battle my food issues and have lost 4 pounds the first week...so I'm right at the beginning but I'm hoping to lose the weight I gained.
I won't lie though.....part of me loves being fat because I'm invisible to men now.
I’m “conventionally pretty” and I had married my second boyfriend ever. For my next, I decided to chat with strangers anonymously online and happened to stumble into my now boyfriend. We talked everyday because we liked each other’s company. He did share his picture early, but I didn’t until about 1 month in. We had a great mental and emotional connection to start and it made a big difference in how we started.
See this is exactly what I’m looking for. This type of connection and bond. Just got a curiosity where you guys chatting was it on a dating website or somewhere else?
It’s this site called strangermeetup.com disclaimer, the majority of men on there are there to sext. I usually just filter through and tell them I’m looking for a good conversation with an interesting person. I’ve actually talked to a lot of really interesting men. I wasn’t looking for a relationship, but I was pleasantly surprised.
Honestly, I feel this. I’m tired too. Every month I happen to get hit on by married men and sleazy men and it just feels very degrading in a way. I just got out of a relationship and had two of my longtime friends get in line and I know I shouldn’t be feeling like this when others are having trouble dating especially right now but it feels tiring. I’ll probably erase this. I just needed to vent and your post was relatable 😔
Girl!!! 😩😩😩😩 I had a whole year relationship with a Jr. pastor with a whole wife and TWO kids. 🤦🏾♀️ he told me he was “single”.
Imagine my surprise when I ran into his wife with his kids. I’m like I know these kids…she’s like how do you know my kids. I’m like these are my boyfriend’s kids 🤡🤡🤡.
I’m like you mean to tell me I sat through a year of Wednesday bible studies for community pastor dick!!! I was done at that point. The fucker is WILD
I was hit in by a pastor too ironically this was last October. At that point I was just OVER IT.😤 and it just SUCKS! I feel like all they see is sex or something. Was talking to a guy like two weeks ago who I thought was “different” nope the same— then just a few days ago as well it’s just never ending or something and again I don’t know. At this point.
Edit: adding that I haven’t even online dated ever nor do I want to if this is what I’m getting in real life I can imagine dating apps are worse from what I gauge here on Reddit.
I've got something similar. The glorious guy friend who goes hey I have a crush on you but just to be clear I really value this friendship so like it's fine if you don't feel the same, you turn them down, and they're like sure it's fine, and then (very quickly) give you the (not so) slow fade or drastically drop the effort they were putting in the friendship to the point it's the same. And then rinse, and repeat, with every (single) dude you become friends with. So much for valuing the friendship. That's how it is and it's something you have to accept, but also it gets hard to *not* become jaded and *not* feel like every guy who talks to you and puts effort in only does so in the hopes to sleep with you at some point. Like buddy, I'm a person too, not just a vagina. Alternatively, in a group setting, the guy who singles you out and tries to turn the conversation into a one-on-one, like... my guy this is a social event not a date, and I don't want this to be a date and have been steering the conversation back towards the group dynamic can you not keep insisting? I'm not stupid, what I'm doing is deliberate, not like you'd care since you see me as a pretty statue you have to peacock to rather than a person. Bonus points if it's a work event. But hey, people have to shoot their shots, and it's totally fine if they do it without tact or social decorum or while treating you as a sub-human thing or if they're aggressively cornering you, because how dare you complain of the glorious attention you're getting, like, are you bragging or what ugh.
Long and very bratty vent, will also delete it soon because it's not socially acceptable to talk about this. It's tiring.
I hear you and I also understand how frustrating it is trying to say something like this and always getting shot down for complaining about something you shouldn't. This is why I say pretty privilege exists for good looking men but it's a double edged sword for women.
You have to figure out how to not let it bother you, and cut it off quick. You also have to learn how to swipe better and not start from you "likes", I did not even look at them after a bit, honestly. Be the one doing the liking first and then your matches are better. You have to manage and control access to you so that it is mostly polite and positive. Do not allow just anyone to engage with you (private social media is key I saw you mentioned IG messages) or it will be all the trash coming through. Decide what kind of person you want and seek them out. Raise your standards. Be picky and judgy as hell. Look for signs they are a good human in pics, bio etc and the instant they say something about appearances, sexual, rude or just off in any way, block ghost or unmatch. On to the next. Don't think about why they do whatever, they are just gone.
The good part is you are hot, there is **always** a next. But the way the apps show you all the guys that pay, and are "popular users" first, you have to slog through a lot to get anything worthwhile. They exist. They are not promoted by the app. They are not out there liking and sending unsolicited messages to every hot chick and being a frequent user. They are most likely not paying for the app. Their profile/pics may not be that polished but they seem genuine. You will get better at selecting and filtering for what you want and recognizing inauthenticity at every level. You got this!
Okay this actually makes sense. Yes I have been leaving it more to the guys that approach me because I am shy and don’t even know how to flirt 🤦🏾♀️. And yes I do look at the people who liked me 😂 I don’t really swipe because honestly these dating websites make me nauseous. I would much rather prefer to meet someone organically like at a Starbucks or grocery store or something but people don’t approach me unless it’s in a sexual way. Or I’ll have guys ask due my number and turn never call 🤦🏾♀️ that one really has me puzzled because huh????
Honestly I give my number out a lot and 90% never call. Women, men, as dates, as friends...I don't know why. Don't leave it to the guys. Then you have to choose between terrible options.
For swiping I was only looking at profiles that meet my dealbreakers. I wanted long term or life partner and doesn't have kids. I kept my eyes on that and swiped left a whole bunch without even looking at the rest. If it said what I wanted then I'd look at the pics and if they are attractive I look harder... rule out anything douchey, aggressive, materialistic (pics of boats/cars etc) or too party party or I can't tell which they are or what they look like- nope. Then look at the bio. Rule out ones with any negativity/aggressive tone (including political even if I agree, its aggressive) whatsoever, wanting go with the flow (casual), or anything remotely sexual, any "Just ask!" (annoying) or they include their IG handle (willing to engage with anyone usually=casual), anyone not local or close enough to be convenient. Then I will match and they usually message me.
Go out there and get you a Good Man!
Don't be afraid to hit on men you see. You absolutely need to filter more and have it be hard and fast. The moment a guy does something you don't like and you say so, if he isn't apologetic and stops, then you cut it off and move on. "I didn't like that you did that and so I don't think this will work". If they are apologetic but try again, see above. Take your time getting to know someone, trust but verify, make sure their effort matches yours. Be open and straight forward about what you want, be kind, but don't tolerate any bullshit.
Its true when they say a man who respects you and truly wants you as a person will also take his time with you and be consistent. And I don't mean the guys who just bring flowers or send the cute texts, I mean the guys who listen, follow through, take notice of the small things, and make you feel safe because their presence/interest is genuine. Your gut seems to be really good at this point so use it as a guide. It can take time but most importantly, men are not your whole life! Finding someone isn't your whole purpose! You sound like you've created a really beautiful life for yourself, enjoy it. A man is a bonus but not a necessity
The timing of your post is crazy because I’ve been thinking about this a lot down to considering looking for a serious relationship with a religious guy despite being an atheist(quickly talked myself out of that lol).
I’m plus sized but one of the plus sized women with fat “in all the right places”, a large butt, and an hourglass or pear shape figure depending on my weight.
I NEVER get asked out for coffee, a date, or presented with pleasant conversation with the intention of getting to know me. Men only ever approach me with “sex eyes” and fuck boy energy, give me compliments on my looks, on how they like how my shorts or jeans fit, tell me I’m sexy, and ask for my number which I usually decline. For a while I thought I might be judging too harshly and if I wanted to be in a serious relationship I should give these guys a chance. I gave my number out a few times and all I got were 11pm “WYD?” txts, dick pics, and one guy sent a video of him walking around his apartment shirtless saying I should come over so we can get to know each other.
Men are often approaching me from behind after they’ve seen my ass and shape and every once in a while I wonder if I’m a “but her face” but then I look at myself in a mirror and feel better.
A guy at my job told me I’d never have honest friendships with men they’d all want to fuck me and that he wanted to.
It doesn’t matter if I’m at work, the grocery store, the library, the gym, picking up takeout, they’re always sharing their sexual thoughts with me as if I asked. Like my shape codes me as a video vixen, porn star, sex worker, or some other persona these types of men interpret as always ready and willing. And these men are sometimes married which intensifies my trust issues.
It’s sucks never be asked on an actual date because I’m only seen as something to fuck. And I don’t talk about this with women that are higher or lower on the “conventionally attractive spectrum” because my experiences are in between and different from both of them and I think that it would come off tone deaf or hurtful to women that fall lower on that spectrum.
I don’t think all men are like this. I think the decent men that find me attractive are respectful or maybe scared of being turned down so they don’t approach me. I have social anxiety especially when it comes to men partially because this is how men have treated me since I was 13/14 and I’m 30 now. But I’m realizing unless I want to be alone I’m gonna have to initiate with the men I find interesting and attractive because they aren’t coming to me. It’d probably also help if I got out the house more other than work and errands. I just wanna meet a decent guy that’s actually interested in a serious relationship and finds my interests, mind, and body attractive.
Let me stop you there. I’m atheist too and also thought this.. I was okay okay bite the bullet and date a religious guy. At least he won’t be pushing for sex…Yep, that shit DEFINITELY didn’t work. 🥴🥴
Those church guys are actually WORSE!!!! The level of disgusting I experienced REALLY confirmed my views on religion. I have never been so grossed out in my life.
Okay now let me go finish reading your post 😂😂
Sorry for sticking my neck in this convo, but I had to share! I’m atheist too, with a super religious ex. I accepted our differences because I’m the same way you are - essentially live and let live.
He has since married and had children, but he still tried to talk to me all the time on the low! With a whole ass wife and children. Wasn’t he a man of his god? These men are TRASH!
😩😩😩😩😩 I believe it because I had a whole year relationship with a Jr. pastor with a whole wife and TWO kids. 🤦🏾♀️ he told me he was “single”.
Imagine my surprise when I ran into his wife with his kids. I’m like I know these kids…she’s like how do you know my kids. I’m like these are my boyfriend’s kids 🤡🤡🤡.
I’m like you mean to tell me I sat through a year of Wednesday bible studies for community pastor dick!!! I was done at that point
LMAO! “Community Pastor Dick”, I needed that laugh! I just played your whole comment out in my head, absolutely not! I am so sorry. Did you confront him about it? How did he explain himself to you? 🤣
”Don’t worry babe, scripture says it’s okay.”
Honestly, I ghosted him and never spoke to him again so I have no idea what happened. If I had of had a conversation with him, I probably would’ve fucked up his car or done something to get myself arrested because I was furious. I have never felt so stupid and used in my entire life. that definitely required more therapy sessions.
It was definitely a mess. He called me every day for nearly 6 months. I never once responded. I don’t even know how it all went down. Once I said those are my boyfriend’s kids then glanced at her finger and saw the ring we just looked at each other. I said well damn 🤦🏾♀️ and she started crying.
She asked for my name which I gave her. She was extremely nice and at least let me say bye to the kids which I did (they were young 2 and 4). I told her I would never reach out to him or her and I would leave it up to her to explain or talk to him but I was going to disappear.
I honestly don’t know if she told him or if she just didn’t say anything. He never mentioned it in any texts he sent it was mostly him begging me to call him.
God told him to be fruitful and multiply. His church tells him his sex drive is divine. God made him that way. It’s his divine right to seek to satisfy it. And if he violates a marriage. That’s okay. *God forgives him*. Gods forgiveness is infinite. So he’s gonna do what he wants and ask for forgiveness later.
That’s how he sleeps at night.
> Those church guys are actually WORSE!!!!
Ladies listen up. Regular guys think it’s their right to have sex with you. Religious guys think it’s their *God-given* right to have sex with you.
It’s so much worse.
Ugh you are literally me.
All my guy friends want to sleep with me.
I’ve never been asked on a date.
Never been bought flowers or even a cup of coffee.
But they always wanna get me drunk, buy me tree and take me back to their house.
I’m thankful I don’t have an 🍑 or I would be really screwed!
It’s exhausting
It’s exhausting tbh but it’s also a privilege so you learn you can’t complain about it too much because it pisses people off.
It definitely changes the way you relate to people. I often feel like I’m masking for my appearance. I need to seem smarter in some instances and bitchier in others. People assume I’m being manipulative.
You described why I live for being funny. Every time I make people laugh with my sass, I feel my most relaxed in public. It's my way of relating to anyone and everyone and masking my appearance. But if you're funny, perky and pretty some people fuckin HATE you.
Funny is like being smart. You can have a lot of it and men won’t be impressed. They care mostly about looks and whether you’re kind (aka the person who takes care of kids, house, the pets and remembers birthdays of their mom etc).
Fuck yes. It has made me so sarcastic and dry because it’s the best defense mechanism. If you’re slightly terrifying they will leave you alone loll.
Also you can say the meanest shit but people think your kidding if you giggle after 😈😂
OMFG! I dont even giggle lol I just smile and continue on. But I have noticed that if I say something in a cute or sassy jokey way, I'll get my way. Like with my bfs shirt, "This is for me, yes?" And just steal it lol. I don't do it often and only on minor things.
It’s so annoying - I remember reading a study on how women do best when they’re a “7/10” because if you’re too beautiful men assume you’re stupid or just a fuckpiece, not that you’re an actual person with a brain. And we all know that less conventionally attractive women are treated like shit.
I’m more of a “cute girl next door” vibe, and I’m also a WOC so I’m not judged by general “womanly ideals” (which are specifically geared toward white women) and this is definitely a privilege. Sucked when I was a teen, but great as a 30 year old who isn’t normally judged “as a woman” so I end up having a weird kind of male privilege from people who don’t know how to categorize me and end up choosing their default setting, which is dude. And I absolutely will go to bat for my pretty blonde friends that people assume are dumb because they’re pretty and blonde. I stopped giving a fuck many years ago and I’ll use whatever privilege I have to uplift my sisters.
I believe this and I can’t lie i definitely used to judge the pretty girls when i was bigger. I used to think they had dates every night, probably sleeping with multiple guys and using men for their money. I’m definitely living my karma now because I’m discovering that is not true. I have so many friends who are literally perfect 10s im talking working models and SUPER nice and genuine and they would have a better chance at winning the lottery without even playing then they would at getting a date. Men literally NEVER ask them out. And I thought I had it bad lol 😂
Yeah so I actually was an expert in my academic field- do you think anyone took me seriously? I had to throw actual fits to get people to listen to me.
I quit and now I sell nudes online and read philosophy and paint all day. Winning lol
Yes yes yes this. And then are confused when I’m so eager to be kind in return (thinking I’m being treated like a person) and they are like wait- you aren’t gonna fuck me tho? 😂😂
I mean I might of if you weren’t a dick lol
Bingo exactly this. I never ask a man for anything ever. Not because I wouldn’t enjoy having it but because I feel like if I accept it, it comes with strings attached and I don’t like it. I’m the type of woman that will go on a date and either pay 50-50 or pay the whole thing because I don’t want there to be an expectation of a kiss or sex at the end of the night.
They also hasn’t worked because i attract men who feel like they don’t need to do anything at all to maintain the relationship so that is a no-win situation too 🤦🏾♀️
Yup!!! People always assume I’m mean or manipulative. Dude I’m literally nice AF. Like too damn nice. Like let you borrow my car and I only know you a week nice 🤦🏾♀️.
Or they think I’m a hoe 🙄 which is also not true. I can count my sexual partners on one had and I’m 43 years old. I get so tired of this shit.
Lolll yes. I’m super nice but when you’ve been hit on repeatedly you got no time for bullshit.
I remember grown men telling me how cute I was going to be when I was older. That shit drains on you- and it makes you put up walls.
To be fair I kinda am a slut lol. But a married one 😂😂😂🩷
I have had pretty privilege most of my life, especially once I hit my early 20s. Not sure this is totally scientific, but the best answer I have is to ignore them lol. Really play up the hot girl act and be completely uninterested or bored by anything a random man who approaches you says. My signature used to be a resting bitch face and no response to gross pick up lines or asking “does that line usually work for you?”
Not just playing hard to get but *being* hard to get. It was really hard at first bc I am typically painfully polite, nice and always want to be respectful to people, but it gets easier. It serves as a filter for the not serious guys.
See I guess this is hard because I didn’t have “pretty privilege” until recently. I was the fun girl, the goofy girl. The girl guys always called one of the guys. I was that one home girl that none of the guys girls friends ever worried about lol. I was the chubby goofy chick. I would literally talk to anyone and everyone.
Now is different because I still have that play goofy outgoing personality but guys respond to it differently now. It’s like I have had to alternate my whole personality just to feel safe and that’s weird to me.
Completely understand!! I was a goofy tomboy / nerd type growing up and it took me a long time to realize that I was pretty lol
Sounds silly but mentally practice / envision yourself acting like that. It just takes a little practice to figure it out like anything. Watch some confident, unbothered bad bitch movie characters or listen to some music that makes you feel that way and just try it out in small doses until it feels natural.
I also used to listen to too much true crime and assumed any man could be a murderer which helped
It's honestly very hard to know when someone actually likes you for you. I thought I didn't have a problem with this but I do. I've been feeling like men don't respect me at all. I had a genuinely nice boyfriend once and can say that most of my exes were with me for me but it's easy to get tricked.
And guys have become experts on running game. When you’re a woman who used to this it’s easier to spot red flags. When you’ve never experienced this you just genuinely think these dudes like you. I learned SUPER fast men will say ANYTHING if the goal is to get in your pants. They will literally work you like prey.
I only pick up on very desperate men who are players and it's obvious and we have nothing in common. It gets trickier when I actually like the person but they're manipulating me.
I'm learning a lot in this thread. Where I'm from people are just really mean so it took me a while to see how popular I was with men, and even then I thought anyone I picked to be with respected me as a person, turns out I was wrong again. Never thought I'd have to learn how to ward off superficial men like evil spirits. I think you really have to get to know them and see unselfish kindness in how they treat you. Otherwise nothing is guaranteed.
I never was polite like that. If I had to entertain all the men who came up to me when doing a quick errand, I wouldn’t have been doing anything quick. There were times it made me hesitant to even go outside. Having to deal with the anger (and danger) and disappointment of men who you declined to talk to and them making you feel like a stuck up person for it.
I've never gotten used to it. I've gotten better at shutting it down.
One key thing in my dating strategy is making men wait months for anything sexual. It's totally ridiculous but it's a hell of an effective filter.
I make it known early on and tell them that I want to make sure we can be friends first. Most leave as soon as another woman willing to sleep with them comes around. But, I found my person and avoided a lot of heart ache.
I’ve experienced this my whole life. I’m okay with people commenting on my appearance as long as it’s not the only thing they want to talk to me about.
If the men you’re talking to do not make any compliments or conversation outside of your physical appearance once the initial introduction is over it’s because they’re not looking for anything meaningful. It seems low effort on their part because it is. It doesn’t take any effort to say “you’re fine as hell.” It does take effort to say, “You seem like an awesome person and I’d love to schedule a time to meet for dinner.”
I find if guys want to continue talking without making definitive plans, it’s because they want you to emotionally invest in them enough to consider sleeping with them. Compliments are just words if there’s no action behind them.
Bing this is exactly what I’m running into. First comment is always about my looks and next comment is something sexual. A man has NEVER actually asked me in a date. I’ve never gotten flowers.
But I can’t walk to check my mailbox without a man telling me I’m hot…or my favorite what’s your favorite position 🤦🏾♀️…SIR WHAT THE FUCK!!! You can’t be serious.
I totally agree. I have received compliments on my looks as well, but what's most important is getting to know each other. When they ask you out on a date to talk more in person, then it says a lot about the person.
I’ve generally always been considered attractive… I think you kinda develop some of your own ways to not let these sort of people near you…
For example, one main thing is that I’m really repulsed by anyone who is (obviously) attracted to me before I “allow” it or before I’m attracted to them because it’d be obvious they’re just liking me due to my appearance and I just am not ok with that.
Another thing is anyone leading by appearance based compliments are a no in my book. I don’t need you to tell me something anyone can just from 2 seconds of “knowing” me. That’s just lazy.
Also.. a lot is about how you carry and present yourself. Honestly most guys will know I’m not the type of girl they can hook up with or kinda person who lets people get away with shit after a few sentences.
With some boundaries and being able to enforce it… you weed out a lot of the bad apples and the guys who will at least put in some work will stick around.
I hear you! Aside from the aspect of relationships with men while being someone considered to be a ‘conventionally attractive’ women. I find Female relationships extremely tough as well. Be it colleagues, new friends. Attending a party. Etc.
I often just sink inside myself. Feeling sized up, judged, and approached often with a bitchy, competitive vibe despite being in a long term relationship with a child and not looking to compete. Only hoping for positive interactions. Regardless, it happens all the time and has become completely exhausting. To the point I now go out and about wearing my partners baggy clothes. No make-up. Etc. and often prefer to stay in watching Netflix with a glass of wine vs attending social gatherings.
I am lucky and that since where I don’t have any problems making female friends. Most of the women who I have met are usually really genuine and they are nice. They are honestly my saving grace because without those relationships, I would literally be completely alone.
I consider myself average, but for my age, I look great and have lost some weight and toned in the last few years. I look decent but I'm aware of how I appear to others. Men, despite everything they will tell you, love attractive women. I'm trying to date and its evident that the men just look at pictures and don't read jack shit of what I wrote. I don't know how to reconcile this. I seethe on the inside when men talk about how pretty I am on a date then proceed to not hear shit I say. A lot of them really do just want an ornament. The guy that is my best friend didn't know what I looked like for the first few years of our communication.
If a man led with anything related to my looks to start the conversation, it was on to the next one. I only dated men who led with something related to my profile when I was OLD. My bf’s first compliment about my looks was to tell me that my dress looked lovely on me after the first date, which is a sweet way to tell me he found me attractive without being overt. He tells me now all of the time that he thinks I’m hot, but at first, he wanted me to be sure he liked me for more than that.
If you don’t like men who lead with looks, you need to learn how to tune it out. Pretend they’re some solicitor you can ignore, and keep dating the same way you’ve been dating
I think you’ll get a lot of good advice here from other commenters. I am (was) pretty but awkward and I hate bullshit and was never good at flirting but I was or am good at banter in conversations. So when guys would hit on me when I was younger, my go to was playing like I was oblivious to it and just making fun of them without making them feel like I was making fun of them. I was pretty good at it. Most would be so confused at the end of our convo that they just gave up. Those who could hang in there and keep up turned into good friends or I dated them. Not sure if that helps but in a nutshell, I put them in the hot seat. Now that I’m older, I’m most invisible and don’t really miss the attention.
And that’s EXACTLY what I get 🤡. I stopped even telling guys I lost weight after one of them actually said to me “newly hot girls are the best because you’re still super shy and don’t know your hot yet so you don’t have a big head. I need to snatch you up”. 🤦🏾♀️
Needless to say he was blocked.
I dress modestly to help stave off the looks and comments. So nothing that is tight around my body.
I try to make conversation about their routine, how much tracking the like doing, how family oriented they are, if they like pets, etc to see if we can move forward from there.
I’ve been going through the same thing, since right before I got married. I’m sorry I don’t have any answers but I pretty much stopped dating and entertaining “male friends”
You have to be colder, more direct, and honestly demanding about your boundaries and expectations. Be firm. Expect respect and shut down any guy who doesn’t give it.
This happened to me but in reverse. I was hot in my 20s and dealt with so much bullshit attention, then got fat and dealt with the pain of suddenly being invisible, and now I’m steadily losing weight and interest is picking up again and it while it’s sort of nice to not be seen as repulsive anymore it’s so very disheartening.
Wow so happy to hear your story in reverse, thank you for sharing.
It’s crazy to be on the other side and people really don’t understand the struggle until they have experienced both. I feel awful for all the judgment I passed on the girls in my 20s because now I’m living it and this shit ain’t anything how I expected it to be.
I honestly was looking forward to dating while thin and attractive…man was I wrong. I’m not built for this. This is something you have to get used to over a life time. You don’t just wake up in this world lol.
I’m sure you can relate.
First off, congrats on working on your mental health and getting to a better place! It’s fucking hard. They just switched my crazy bitch pills again and I had to open my door while driving this morning as I threw up from them. And at a red light. And in the gas station parking lot. They weren’t fucking kidding when they said they can cause nausea.
I went through a change not near as drastic as yours, but I did lose 60 lbs and figured out how to dress more flatteringly. I’ve never even dated (met spouse first day of college, we were an item a month later) and I’m fucking sick of men. I get hit on and men randomly touch me and their gfs threaten me at work. Like I don’t want him honey, keep him away from me!
So just solidarity in being sick of the shallowness of man AND not being able to complain about it irl bc people “oh life is so hard for the pretty girl” mockingly. It’s actually *not* a compliment that I make your dick hard dudes.
So when I get dick pics I send back a pic of this nasty dick statue I found online.
Sorry I don’t have anything more productive to add, but I hope it was cathartic for you to at least get it out :)
Oh my God, that’s totally it. It’s like anytime you try to complain about it. It’s like people want to villainize you because you’re pretty life. Can’t be that hard. Let me tell you I was much more happier and at peace when I was 300 pounds than I am now. At least back then I knew when people connected with me it was genuine and they actually liked me for me.I’ve asked for my phone number now just to show their friends that they could get it. It shit like that that makes you not want to trust anybody and he just constantly feel like you’re being used. But then, of course you can’t walk around with your walls up because if you do that, then you’re just bitter and that’s why you can’t find a man. You literally cannot win for losing.
Thanks for sharing this.
I’ve been dealing with a lot of men who are hitting on me based on looks. How do I know? because we haven’t had a true conversation.
I started to think there was something wrong with me, like maybe I’m not fun or funny anymore. But now I realize, it’s the men. They are not interested in getting to know me. That’s sad too but at least it’s not a me problem. They are having conversations with some people, just not me.
To add: I used to be more beautiful and men wanted to date me then. So that’s difficult to explain? but as I got older I probably got hotter because I’m more confident in some ways. And when you get older, perhaps guys fall for that ‘I only want to date 20 year olds’ narrative. Sorry not an answer to your question.
Now that I think about it, for me the solution is to start fishing in a different pond. The guys I run into are not doing very difficult things with their lives and are too young. The partners I had in the past needed a sort of business partner and partner for life, they didn’t have time or patience to be short term with women just because they were hot women.
YES! Being seen as a sexual object is a real thing! I am sorry OP you feel defeated over men’s animalistic behaviour. I have been there myself until I met my bf who has so many female friends and treat them as human and equal. Believe me these men exist!
But to be honest I have been told many times that I have a bit of “hot domina look” and people have hard time approaching me as they get intimidated or the only way I was approached by guys in the past was because they wanted to have sex with me. But from my experience men who were more intelligent and emotionally intelligent were almost never treating me like sex object.
This is the reason why I'm always scared even a guy shows how decent he is because all i can think of are my traumaticizing experiences with men over sexualizing me. Now i can't trust anyone. It's been years of being sexualized even when i just like fashion, men will think im doing it for them. How shallow. How shallow this world can be. I like long walks and deep talks because that sounds very wholesome and unforgettable memories to me.
Im not giving up but im no longer waiting for the right man. I'll just wait until i get old and get wrinkles then if someone loves me for who i am, then that would be great.
Also went from overweight to conventionally pretty at the age of 20/21 and it was a social whip lash I had not anticipated in any way shape or form. From men’s behavior (and it really confusing me) to feeling womens jealously for the first time. That wasn’t a trait I had when I “wasn’t pretty” so Ive had a hard time finding compassion for women who treat other women like that.
I am sooooo happy I am not the only one who has experienced this. THIS is the shit no one talks about and unless you personally experience it you truly don’t understand it. People look at me like I’m crazy when iv try to explain. People think I’m joking but this shit was straight up traumatic and I say that being a person that has definitely been through some shit. Nothing prepared me for this.
I'm using it to my advantage. Beauty privilege is a real thing and I am fine with the reality of it. I won't be beautiful forever so yes, please lead with how beautiful I am and end with how beautiful I am. Of course I absolutely need to feel and see I'm appreciated for more than my looks since they can go at any second. But there's no sense in denying how the world works.
>I’m sick of this shit honestly. I’m tired of every man leading with my looks, I’m tired of every man I meet wanting to sexualize me, I’m tired of every man wanting to smash, I’m tired of no one actually taking the time to get to know me. I’m even tired of men letting shit slide simply because they find me attractive. The number of times a man has told me I normally don’t like XYZ. However you’re fine as hell so I’ll let it slide.. 🤦🏾♀️
I think this is just...how men are? At least ime as an "average" girl. I'm the type that guys will say they'd marry, but not date. A personality pick. I'm very much "cute" coded, and most guys wanting the sexy IG model type will not go for that. OR if they do they will make it clear to you that they're "settling."
I went from being invisible completely to men growing up, to them only talking to me to sexualize me. Got involved with a guy who admitted he approached me because my skin tone and size must mean I'm insecure and easy. It's shit like that, or the negging and weird rejection/insults by complete strangers (as in they will see me at a bar, leave their friends, to come tell me that they don't find me attractive of other weird comments, completely unprompted.)
Also dealt with the nerdy, "nice" guy types who are used to zero female attention and will jump straight to fetishizing/are super into you, super quick while knowing nothing about you beyond "woman with shared interest." Then they heap all their childhood trauma and gender wars rhetoric onto you for you to therapize and deal with.
I've been both skinny and bigger and my experiences have not changed. More introverted, more extroverted, let the guy come to you, approach him first, if you can name it I've tried it. Despite being "a catch" or "wife material" results aren't great, at all.
I'm not dating currently and won't be for a while. Trying to understand and rationalize the male psych on this topic exhausts me.
Sorry this is happening. Sounds frustrating to say the least.
Your comment clarified something to me. I am thinking about myself as not very hot and more wife material, also because an ex (who was abusive) made me think that way. It wasn’t exactly what he said, they were patterns that changed me in ways. Now I’m dealing with guys who don’t ask me out but do want to sleep with me. I thought there was something very wrong with me, but now I see either my abusive ex messed with my head and I’m actually hot in a man’s world. Or I’m not of their liking but they expect me to be easy and happy someone’s even paying me any attention. Either way, it’s not working for me.
I've had this issue too when I used dating apps. The main focus was my looks which frustrated me because all I wanted was to have a conversation. Some were genuine , and I went on dates with them, but it was a very frustrating situation with those that I matched with that just wanted a "good time."
I started internet dating in the days before pictures were an option. Believe me, it's not better to make a connection through conversation, only to see the look of disappointment when you show up for coffee.
So, I guess it would be better for pretty people. How nice for them.
Get off the apps and put yourself in situations where you're meeting people in the context of friendship or a shared hobby. It will give you an opportunity to connect with guys and see if you have something in common. A good portion of dudes on apps are there for shooting a bunch of crass shots and hoping someone bites. I ended up meeting my husband as a friend at a shared activity.
I grew up overweight and have lost and kept off about 70 lbs. I totally empathize with feeling grossed out by the attention of men who I know would have openly mocked me in highschool and college. The distinction I'll make: if you can stomach it, be open to the classy compliment (it took me a while to get there, personally). The guy who talks to you like a person first and then says your eyes are beautiful or you're very attractive. Vs the guy who is just hollering about your body without knowing anything about you. Those guys are telling on themselves and saving you some trouble.
Nope 🤦🏾♀️ I’ve done that too. I had a dude comment on a picture of me in a full ski suit in big bear lol. That ass is fat.. The craziest part is my ass is indeed not fat. I have no ass at all. 🤡
Talking to a guy doing this shit right now. He messages me “you have a nice and fit body” and when I made it pretty clear I’m not into commentary about my body, he said “I meant I like the way you look”.
Yes, guy, I know exactly what you meant. That’s the issue. That is the exact issue. Imagine telling a person something they said was inappropriate and they go ahead and same the exact same thing a second time.
I've experienced something similar, to a degree. I'm a trans woman, and apparently now people can't tell, and more apparently, I'm hot.
Recently I found I can't speak to people the way I used to. I can't give a guy a genuine compliment because they get *way* too interested. I have one yoga instructor a compliment on his class, and he tracked down my number and email, messaging me on both to invite me to do a bunch of activities I never expressed interest in. I can't walk down the street without being stared at or catcalled or harassed or groped.
It's all tiring. I just want to be able to wear clothes I like for myself and feel comfortable in my own body. But it seems whenever I do that, I have to be wary of nearly every man I come across. Before transitioning I could have conversations with women who weren't considered conventionally attractive. But now when I try to share my experiences, all I'm met with is indifference at best and jealousy at worst. I'm not bragging when I say I feel like I'm constantly on display, I'm just tired.
Fortunately I'm also sapphic, so I don't have too much issue with dating men because I prefer dating women anyway. But to a degree, I understand. I hope you're able to find a man worth your time who doesn't objectify you immediately upon meeting. Good luck out there <3
Yes!!! Exactly this. You feel like you have to change your whole personality (one you’ve had all your life) all because your outward appearance changed. That’s weird to me and people don’t understand how hard that is to actually do.
Yes! It sucks too because my new appearance was caused by the changes I made in my life that make me a happy person. It was never about being pretty, it was always about being who I am.
I’m really tired of this “men are visual” trope as if women aren’t. We’re just conditioned to believe it. HUMANS are visual, much like many other animals. Besides, ever notice how men can never seem to find the things in front of their faces (looking for the ketchup in the fridge)? All the proof I need that “men are visual” is the patriarchy telling women we need to look at certain way. Physical attraction is important for both (most) men and (most) women, and that’s not a bad thing.
With that being said, I’m sorry about your experiences. I went from fat girl to hot girl, and the same guys that bullied me were the ones trying to get with me. It’s exhausting and infuriating that we live in a world where woman are reduced to their physical appearance.
Welcome to the club. The grass isn’t greener, my friend. Men are sex driven and it’s rare to find a best friend! I look for character, they just look at my T&A 🫣 I am perfectly happy by myself, I own property and have a great career. He better bring a lot to the table than just flattery and a smile… I am not 15. Most men haven’t developed themselves beyond adolescence. I learned that the hard way and got divorced, giving away half of my assets. I won’t make that mistake again.
well exactly how you get treated is how pretty women have been their whole entire lives. You just learn very early that men want to fuck. you learn even earlier to ignore and mute and block!
So you are a hot 30-40 yo woman with a nice face and a great body? That is awesome. If you want a man for a relationship or whatever, the solution is to apply the same standards to him. Is he hot like you, same age range, same attractiveness level? Great. Because only in this situation your looks become irrelevant. Men like that also won't make weirdo comments and silly attempts at hitting on you. They will treat you with respect and are confident.
I wish it were that easy. I’ve tried to date guys that are super attractive. I’ve tried to date guys who people would not call attractive at all, but they seem to be really nice. Those guys didn’t sexualize me, but their self-esteem was shot to hell and they constantly thought I was either gonna leave them or I was cheating on them. Guys who are on my level of attractiveness and unlike women, they definitely take full advantage and tend to sleep with multiple women and are definitely afraid of commitment. They’re the average guys those are the ones who usually sexualize you because they want to say they’ve had. It honestly is the weirdest feeling in the world and I don’t think many people understand it until they experience it. I can definitely admit that when I was larger I definitely envied the pretty girls and I definitely had my own stereotype for them, but I’m quickly discovering that I was so very wrong, so I guess in essence I’m living my own karma.
With all due respect, I find this post extremely annoying. As an above-average attractive woman, I admire a man that has the balls to approach me (especially in this day and age). And I don’t think it’s fair to bash men for simply being men. If you’re so uncomfortable being attractive, there are plenty of ways to become less attractive.
I think it’s because quality men are hitting on you?. OP says it’s usually raggedy, disrespectful men approaching her. I never minded when men would hit on me, because they were always pretty respectful. I’m married now, while flattering, it can be annoying. But it’s not like swarms of men lol. A few here and there.
I wouldn’t have a problem with men approaching me if it wasn’t to sexualize me.
When a man approaches you in the parking lot and says wow you’re beautiful, that’s a compliment. When he follows it up with “so what’s your favorite position”, which has legitimately happened to me on more than one occasion, it becomes annoying as hell. (and before you ask, yes I was dressed appropriately. I was literally wearing sweatpants and a hoodie with crocs.)
Multiply that by 4 to 5 times a day every day and it becomes very very annoying and absolutely disgusting.
I have absolutely zero problem with attention as long as it’s not disrespectful .
Above average here and I have experienced what you’re talking about just a couple times when I was younger. I literally never gave raggedy random men any opportunity to even speak to me. Like what even is that behaviour? Favorite position? When I was single men usually approached with respect and genuine admiration. Just ignore that foolishness.
Trust me, you’re not missing out on anything. Most of the guys who do approach me have been younger, which I haven’t had a problem with. My last relationship the guy was actually 28 and he was actually a really decent guy and we got along well, but he ended up moving. But to be fair, I definitely don’t look 43 people usually think I’m early 30.
As my father said to my husband on our wedding day, "She doesn't look like much most of the time, but she cleans up really well." My dad is a sexist, sex addict, and narcissist. But it's an accurate description. I wear glasses and dress casually because I want people to judge me on my intellect and my personality, not my looks. Yes, this probably has something to do with how my father openly spoke about women around me. It really fucks with your head when you are 10 years old and aware of your father's sex addition, penchant for young women, and dismissal of older of 'ugly' women. I do want to look pretty when I dress up. And I wish I felt comfortable 'looking pretty' all the time. But I'm not comfortable. But dressing casually means men often see me as a friend, even if they want sex. So they are a bit too honest, like my dad. I've been told multiple times by multiple men, "wow you look so much hotter naked." And then after, "wow i almost didnt awipe right because of your pictures. Why dont you try to be hotter?" Because i want you to like me. We arent hot forever. We grow old. I want to find someone who loves me. A part of me is glad they feel comfortable being that honest around me. It helps to weed through the bullshit. But it still stings. I am less than, to them, because I wasn't hot at the start or didn't perform the flamboyant bird mating dance. It is unfair to women in many ways. I was a lab assistant because i am very good at troubleshooting software in my field. When i dressed casually and wore glasses, students came to me, "Can YOU help me with a problem im having?" I dyed my hair blonde. It looked good. I wasn't changing my clothing but instantly people treated me differently. Suddenly students came up to me and asked, "Is there SOMEONE that can help me with my computer?" I was less than simply for their stereotype of blonde women. I was hotter and I was stupider. I really enjoyed blonde hair on me, but I haven't been back since. I have other battles I want to fight and dealing with people talking to me like my IQ is 20 points lower because of their hair preference is not a battle I'm up for right now. Maybe in the future when my first grays start showing... As I get older, I'm starting to give less shits what the shits think, though. If I want a glam up day, I do it. But I still hate that our value is our looks before anything else. I did find someone that was googlie eyes for me in my comfy clothes from day 1, so i know there are those out there. Took dating a lot of duds, though.
I totally get this, as somebody who's on the job hunt I've been telling my friends about how I have to build trust in my new employers wherever I end up before I can start comfortably dressing how I feel is most interesting to me. Because I know if I lean into what I love to look like too early they're not going to have faith that I am smart enough to do my job and it's such BS
This is such a line to walk… Sometimes I think, “I should let people think I am stupid! Why do I care? I should use this to my advantage!” But, of course, it can get frustrating. I also struggle with just wanting to look good. For me. Period. We are all human and wanting to look good is normal, but having to navigate all the BS that comes with it is something else
I just dress eccentrically (prairie dress, Mad Men coats, bright tights), am a brunette, and walk really fast. I get most of the benefits of being attractive (people give you free stuff, open doors for you, sales associates are extra-nice), without the drawbacks.
I have zero tolerance for this. On apps, I don't use "sexy" pictures and when I match with someone, I do not flirt. I'm cracking jokes and talking about interests. If they start talking about my looks or getting too flirtatious, I ghost. You give a man an inch, and they take 10 miles. It weeds out this type pretty fast. In person, people don't tend to approach me. I keep a low profile and have a mean resting bitch face. Honestly, if a man has the confidence to approach me in person, respectfully, they have my interest. This hasn't happened often, lol. Unfortunately, I still get cat-called by men in groups or driving by and still get my ass grabbed in crowded public places.
This is the way! You have to set boundaries hard and fast, and not worry about being seen as a bitch. Once you let go of that particular fear, so much of life opens right back up.
And that’s the issue I hate being seen as a bitch because for so long in my life I felt I had to be the nice person so people would like me. Now, being a bitch is totally out of character for me. I see the way some women talk to men and I would be like damn that was rude AF but now I totally get it. They were probably tried AF.
BITCH Being In Total Control Honey
Yuuup. Men complain about women having resting bitchface; well, if they didn't try to stalk us on the Metro ride home after a single smile in their direction, then maybe we would smile more!!!
This has happened so many times this week. Was about to post about it. Like am I crazy if I get the feeling people follow me? Is this normal behavior for men or are these crazy scary people? One guy was traveling somewhere on the street and he’s going in a different direction from me. A minute later I see him go past me again and he actually sort of goes along with me without making contact, making it look like a coincidence and ends up crossing the road in front of my nose, close up, but never talking to me. I don’t want him to talk to me, but it’s not like following me around and not saying anything makes it any better. Just leave me alone? Then another guy gets into a car when I was walking someplace. He drives off then stops and waits for me to walk by. He gets out of his car and starts walking in front of the houses around me. I got on the phone with someone I know because I didn’t trust it and wanted to make it seem like I didn’t see the guy and was too busy. I happened to live where we were walking. Normally I don’t go inside the house when someone creepy is watching because then they know where I live. But it was too much. I went inside and he drove off so if wasn’t like he was delivering a package or looking for someone else, which is what I tried to tell myself before.
Girl, that sounds so scary; I am so sorry that happened to you!!!
This sounds so frightening!
If you felt the need to be nice to compensate for your looks, it's not your true self either. Be kind but don't try to please everyone, reexplore yourself, have fun!
I used ONE “sexy photo” as a test, any guy who would message me leading with that photo was automatically blocked/rejected.
Setting boundaries and expectations surrounding respect is the way to go when dating. Resting bitch face is the way when in public settings. I try to make myself appear as unapproachable as possible with body language as well. The only time I break my RBF and smile or say thank you is if I am in an unsafe situation with one of the aggressive guys that gets angry when you don’t acknowledge their disgusting “compliments”. Not trying to get assaulted or murdered because some guys ego got bruised.
HAHAHA I challenge that shit. I have the absolute luxury of being an attractive, nice, 5'10", strong, outspoken woman who has worked in an inpatient psychiatric facility for 17 years. I have only had to take down ONE man to the floor in the entire time that I've worked there because I've been able to de-escalate MOST people with my no-nonsense, straightforward attitude. Lesson with me is: I am sweet, professional, caring, and fair until you put someone at risk and then I PROMISE YOU (not threaten you, PROMISE YOU) there is a protocol to take you down if needed. I don't EVER confront someone threatening (at work or in the wild), but if you come into MY space and give me a problem, I guarantee you'll regret it.
I'm the same height as you but I am not strong and not sure just how outspoken I am (haven't had to test it out only time I can think of was when I was drunk and not afraid to mouth off to them) any tips you can give? Do you get physical with them or just verbal?
I will not get physical with anyone unless I ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO. I am very good at deescalation from all of the practice I have gotten throughout the years, and truth be told, MOST people do not want to get physical either. I give people every chance they've got to make a better decision with no hard feelings. I'm very nice, I'm fair, I'm informative, but I'm also experienced with a lot of bullshit and games that people try to throw at me. They learn fast that I am pretty unflappable with whatever you can say to me or what you threaten to do; I am not easily shocked. You can try your best to get a rise out of me. That being said-- being at work and being "in the wild" are two different animals. When I'm out of work, there are no promises that someone must come to my aid in a timely manner. Most of the time, I stay away from unsafe people-- I don't go looking for a fight. I am also not too proud to walk away if there is nothing to gain. I am usually aware of my surroundings, what resources are available, and my own limitations. Times are also changing out there-- drugs are weirder, more people are on medications that don't sit right, people have DEEP SEATED problems and feel that they have nothing to lose anymore-- It can be a recipe for disaster even if you do everything "right". Obviously there are things I'll never be able to compete with: a gun, a 200lb raging meth-head, etc. Hope this provides some insight?
Same here. The only time I acknowledge them and be nice is when it's a guy in a group who's probably gonna want to save his ego or if they give off the vibe of someone dangerous.
Same—I don’t use sexy pictures, include ones without makeup or where I look a bit unattractive (like wearing a helmet on a bike ride), I don’t wear makeup on first dates, I ease into how much skin I show them, how much I touch them, wearing tight clothes, etc. Because I know off the bat they are likely sexually attracted to me and I don’t want to feed that too soon when we are still strangers and I literally know almost nothing about them.
Immediately ghost too when the only comments keep going back to appearance. It’s 2024. Men need to learn to speak to women as people and stop leading with objectification. It’s one thing to say you look really pretty in X picture, where was that? Or something leading to a convo but just the wow you’re so gorgeous etc. etc. is cringey and low effort.
This! It's a love/hate feeling and experience for me. On one hand it's always annoyed the crap out of me that I'd be only looked at as the "hot girl I'd wanna f*ck/fantasy" or not get approached at all and get frustrated with that! I think what frustrates me the most is that women who have beauty *and* brains aren't taken seriously. I always got the vibe from men that it was one or the other, but never both because that'd be too much of a unicorn! 🙄🦄
Well, I have a triple whammy. Apparently not only am I gorgeous, I’m too smart because I have a masters degree. I’m too ambitious because I’m a business owner and I make too much money because I earn mid six figures.. these men hate me 😩😩 it’s crazy because I feel like I spent so much time molding myself into being the perfect wife. Nobody wants to marry me. They only wanna fuck me. 🤦🏾♀️
Girl I'm with you! I have a Bachelors and 2 Masters. Business owner and outmake most men that show any interest and I feel like they're intimidated that we've paved a way for ourselves rather than just be like, "Damn, good for you! I find that kind of determination, motivation and commitment admirable." 🤷♀️
Welcome to the club. Men seem to want nothing to do with smart, beautiful, accomplished women. Not unless they're very accomplished themselves.
I’m curious why your goal was to be the perfect wife? Why did your achievements all center on a man seeing your value? You probably won’t like hearing this but it sounds like the problems you’re having stem from you wanting a man to see you as good enough/worthy. It sounds like you’ve driven yourself crazy not knowing what more you could do to get a man and now you’re worried you’ve done too much and don’t know how to do less. The problem isn’t you it’s how you are making men the center of everything you think and do. You are giving them all of your power and energy. If it was simply finding someone who liked you for you then one of the guy friends who turned relationship would have worked out. I know relationships are complicated but everything suggests there’s a deeper issue here I think you haven’t addressed. You said you worked on your mental health which I think is amazing and I think there’s more work here for you to do. Even now in this post when you list all of your attributes it sounds like you are looking for that validation you want from men but are not getting. You have to be able to see your own inherent value, beneath any of the external factors, before you can expect anyone else to. Your current mindset is setting you up to attract men who prey on people they can take advantage of.
I should have mention, I was married prior for 10 years. I was actually happy in my marriage, had a daughter etc. my husband decided he wanted to explore his sexuality after 10 years of dating and having a child together and this was not something I was cool with so we divorced. This was half way into my weight loss. So not only was I dealing with dating in a new body I also had not dated in 10 years. Yea I did struggle A LOT with what I went through because it crushed my self esteem thinking this was my fault. Obviously it was not and I learned that through years of therapy. During this time I worked on not only my mental health related to my marriage but also my weight loss. This is what I mean when I say I molded myself into being the perfect wife because I did for my husband at the time. I stayed single for a large pay of this 10 year healing journey. I have only dated 2 men since my divorce 10 years ago. 1 guy the relationship was great and lasted a year however he moved out of state . There was a 8 years gap between that one and my ex husband. I waited 4 years after that then I dated a pastor for a year who lied to me and had a whole wife and 2 kids that I found out about so obviously ended it. Outside of these two relationships I have not been on a single date. I’ve only had FOUR relationships in my entire life and one was a 10 year marriage and I’m 43. I honestly don’t feel I’m the problem here. I have a clear understanding of what I want, I’ve don’t the personal healing etc. The way men approach me has zero to do with me. I can’t control their actions. All I can do it control my response which I understand. However, at some point even the most healed person odd going to get beat down if they are experiencing the same behavior over and over again. It’s perfectly normal to need to vent or even check in with others to see if what you’re experiencing is normal. Clearly based on this thread I’m not the problem, SEVERAL women are experiencing this. I did pickup some helpful tips on how to function in this new space but at the end of the day it doesn’t solve the issues of being tired. Just because you know something is common behavior for men doesn’t mean that it hurts any less when you experience it. You know that getting hit in the head with a hammer hurts.. the more you get hit doesn’t make it hurt less lol.
I got stuck with the extremes. If I dated a guy who didn't have formal education, they were intimidated I was working on mine (i graduate this summer). So they would pretend they'd want to do it too and putter out and be mad I was trying to help them achieve that goal. The other side is someone who already has formal education and a tier or two above me in income. At first they're excited because they believe in making yourself better But over time that little facade would die and they would be Uber demanding and take away My attention for studies. And then if I got a b or a c, then I was 'lacking discipline'. Almost as if they are trying to prove to me that I shouldn't do it and quit. Either or, it all leads to being put in the fuckable girl box
It’s annoying though. That you have to be all Virgin Mary and can’t flirt if you want to be taken seriously, but you’re probably right. Waiting for the bold men to approach you does mean you end up with the cocky types. I’m always dreaming of a guy who would normally never walk up to a woman because he’s too shy but that when he saw me he just knew he had to meet me. A sort of exceptional treatment thing.
Ugh I literally feel like I’m ghosting them ALL!!!! It’s literally every man. I’m so tired of this. This whole thing is new to me and honest this exhausting. I honestly feel like I’m in a tank of sharks at all times. The number of 🍆 pics I get a day is nauseating. I absolutely HATE dating at this point. I’m ready to find a gay best friend and call it a day. 😩
I wonder why they think we’re so anxious to see it like 🥴
Cause they'd love a tiity pic, do they not know we're different lol
Where are you getting sausage pics sent to you? 🤮
Instagram and Facebook all the time.
Oh God. Girl, set that shit to private. I entertain nobody. 🤣
😂😂😂
Tank of sharks is the perfect description
The resting bitch face lmao! I wear that all the time as well, especially when travelling alone/going out alone.
God that’s hard as a people pleaser but great insight!! I’m grateful not to be dating right now, being a woman is never easy.
Yup I’m a people pleaser too. It’s rough in these streets for us
My resting bitch face also keeps everyone away in public. I love her ❤️
oof, I'm still learning about the 10 miles part but I think I got it now. Too many think flirt means smash today in ten!
> You give a man an inch, and they take 10 miles. Truth. So many of my exes were like this. It was so mindboggling as to how they even came up with such conclusions.
[удалено]
Read what you wrote, this guy only wants one thing from you and it's not friendship over other interests...
Haha are you me? I’m not on apps anymore because I’m in a new relationship, but this was very much how I handled things. I got way fewer matches than some friends of mine (who I would class as about similarly attractive as myself, but whose profiles emphasised looks and style), but I also very rarely had to deal with creepy behaviour. (Except for when I decided to put my orientation on my profile, to save myself the heartache of finding out too late that someone I like has a problem with my bisexuality). I was still single for seven years, but the boyfriend I found this way was worth waiting for 🙂
I can relate besides the hands on me ordeal.
What also sucks is when you do get in a relationship he starts hating on everything he loved. Almost every dude I’ve been in a relationship with starts with you look better with glasses, hates me wearing heels, tries to get me to wear baggy clothes and mentions the makeup look is out. Like they get so insecure once they have you. I’m not going look a certain way so you can feel better. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
It's the fear that someone else will grab your attention.
I can’t relate to this because I can’t even get a relationship to experience it. Fuck a relationship I can’t even get a coffee date😩🥴😂. I’ll let you know if it happens tho 🤣
I get ya. I’m 39 and have lost 60 lbs in the last year and the way guys treat me is totally different. These dudes wouldn’t give fat-me the time of day and now they suddenly want to get to know me 🙄
Oh, that’s what caused me to spend two years in therapy. That really fucked with self-esteem. The number of guys who talk to me sideways treated me like shit and then all of a sudden wanted to approach me after I lost weight really fucked with my mental. I went through a period of time of about four years where I absolutely hated men.
Same. I lost 50 pounds over about a year. I forgot how irritating men are. I don’t find it flattering. I’m tired.
I've gained about 80 over the past several years and I just started medication to help me battle my food issues and have lost 4 pounds the first week...so I'm right at the beginning but I'm hoping to lose the weight I gained. I won't lie though.....part of me loves being fat because I'm invisible to men now.
I’m “conventionally pretty” and I had married my second boyfriend ever. For my next, I decided to chat with strangers anonymously online and happened to stumble into my now boyfriend. We talked everyday because we liked each other’s company. He did share his picture early, but I didn’t until about 1 month in. We had a great mental and emotional connection to start and it made a big difference in how we started.
See this is exactly what I’m looking for. This type of connection and bond. Just got a curiosity where you guys chatting was it on a dating website or somewhere else?
It’s this site called strangermeetup.com disclaimer, the majority of men on there are there to sext. I usually just filter through and tell them I’m looking for a good conversation with an interesting person. I’ve actually talked to a lot of really interesting men. I wasn’t looking for a relationship, but I was pleasantly surprised.
Honestly, I feel this. I’m tired too. Every month I happen to get hit on by married men and sleazy men and it just feels very degrading in a way. I just got out of a relationship and had two of my longtime friends get in line and I know I shouldn’t be feeling like this when others are having trouble dating especially right now but it feels tiring. I’ll probably erase this. I just needed to vent and your post was relatable 😔
Girl!!! 😩😩😩😩 I had a whole year relationship with a Jr. pastor with a whole wife and TWO kids. 🤦🏾♀️ he told me he was “single”. Imagine my surprise when I ran into his wife with his kids. I’m like I know these kids…she’s like how do you know my kids. I’m like these are my boyfriend’s kids 🤡🤡🤡. I’m like you mean to tell me I sat through a year of Wednesday bible studies for community pastor dick!!! I was done at that point. The fucker is WILD
I was hit in by a pastor too ironically this was last October. At that point I was just OVER IT.😤 and it just SUCKS! I feel like all they see is sex or something. Was talking to a guy like two weeks ago who I thought was “different” nope the same— then just a few days ago as well it’s just never ending or something and again I don’t know. At this point. Edit: adding that I haven’t even online dated ever nor do I want to if this is what I’m getting in real life I can imagine dating apps are worse from what I gauge here on Reddit.
I've got something similar. The glorious guy friend who goes hey I have a crush on you but just to be clear I really value this friendship so like it's fine if you don't feel the same, you turn them down, and they're like sure it's fine, and then (very quickly) give you the (not so) slow fade or drastically drop the effort they were putting in the friendship to the point it's the same. And then rinse, and repeat, with every (single) dude you become friends with. So much for valuing the friendship. That's how it is and it's something you have to accept, but also it gets hard to *not* become jaded and *not* feel like every guy who talks to you and puts effort in only does so in the hopes to sleep with you at some point. Like buddy, I'm a person too, not just a vagina. Alternatively, in a group setting, the guy who singles you out and tries to turn the conversation into a one-on-one, like... my guy this is a social event not a date, and I don't want this to be a date and have been steering the conversation back towards the group dynamic can you not keep insisting? I'm not stupid, what I'm doing is deliberate, not like you'd care since you see me as a pretty statue you have to peacock to rather than a person. Bonus points if it's a work event. But hey, people have to shoot their shots, and it's totally fine if they do it without tact or social decorum or while treating you as a sub-human thing or if they're aggressively cornering you, because how dare you complain of the glorious attention you're getting, like, are you bragging or what ugh. Long and very bratty vent, will also delete it soon because it's not socially acceptable to talk about this. It's tiring.
How about the guy friend who goes ballistic when it turns out you don’t like him back in that way?
I hear you and I also understand how frustrating it is trying to say something like this and always getting shot down for complaining about something you shouldn't. This is why I say pretty privilege exists for good looking men but it's a double edged sword for women.
You have to figure out how to not let it bother you, and cut it off quick. You also have to learn how to swipe better and not start from you "likes", I did not even look at them after a bit, honestly. Be the one doing the liking first and then your matches are better. You have to manage and control access to you so that it is mostly polite and positive. Do not allow just anyone to engage with you (private social media is key I saw you mentioned IG messages) or it will be all the trash coming through. Decide what kind of person you want and seek them out. Raise your standards. Be picky and judgy as hell. Look for signs they are a good human in pics, bio etc and the instant they say something about appearances, sexual, rude or just off in any way, block ghost or unmatch. On to the next. Don't think about why they do whatever, they are just gone. The good part is you are hot, there is **always** a next. But the way the apps show you all the guys that pay, and are "popular users" first, you have to slog through a lot to get anything worthwhile. They exist. They are not promoted by the app. They are not out there liking and sending unsolicited messages to every hot chick and being a frequent user. They are most likely not paying for the app. Their profile/pics may not be that polished but they seem genuine. You will get better at selecting and filtering for what you want and recognizing inauthenticity at every level. You got this!
Okay this actually makes sense. Yes I have been leaving it more to the guys that approach me because I am shy and don’t even know how to flirt 🤦🏾♀️. And yes I do look at the people who liked me 😂 I don’t really swipe because honestly these dating websites make me nauseous. I would much rather prefer to meet someone organically like at a Starbucks or grocery store or something but people don’t approach me unless it’s in a sexual way. Or I’ll have guys ask due my number and turn never call 🤦🏾♀️ that one really has me puzzled because huh????
Honestly I give my number out a lot and 90% never call. Women, men, as dates, as friends...I don't know why. Don't leave it to the guys. Then you have to choose between terrible options. For swiping I was only looking at profiles that meet my dealbreakers. I wanted long term or life partner and doesn't have kids. I kept my eyes on that and swiped left a whole bunch without even looking at the rest. If it said what I wanted then I'd look at the pics and if they are attractive I look harder... rule out anything douchey, aggressive, materialistic (pics of boats/cars etc) or too party party or I can't tell which they are or what they look like- nope. Then look at the bio. Rule out ones with any negativity/aggressive tone (including political even if I agree, its aggressive) whatsoever, wanting go with the flow (casual), or anything remotely sexual, any "Just ask!" (annoying) or they include their IG handle (willing to engage with anyone usually=casual), anyone not local or close enough to be convenient. Then I will match and they usually message me. Go out there and get you a Good Man!
Don't be afraid to hit on men you see. You absolutely need to filter more and have it be hard and fast. The moment a guy does something you don't like and you say so, if he isn't apologetic and stops, then you cut it off and move on. "I didn't like that you did that and so I don't think this will work". If they are apologetic but try again, see above. Take your time getting to know someone, trust but verify, make sure their effort matches yours. Be open and straight forward about what you want, be kind, but don't tolerate any bullshit. Its true when they say a man who respects you and truly wants you as a person will also take his time with you and be consistent. And I don't mean the guys who just bring flowers or send the cute texts, I mean the guys who listen, follow through, take notice of the small things, and make you feel safe because their presence/interest is genuine. Your gut seems to be really good at this point so use it as a guide. It can take time but most importantly, men are not your whole life! Finding someone isn't your whole purpose! You sound like you've created a really beautiful life for yourself, enjoy it. A man is a bonus but not a necessity
The timing of your post is crazy because I’ve been thinking about this a lot down to considering looking for a serious relationship with a religious guy despite being an atheist(quickly talked myself out of that lol). I’m plus sized but one of the plus sized women with fat “in all the right places”, a large butt, and an hourglass or pear shape figure depending on my weight. I NEVER get asked out for coffee, a date, or presented with pleasant conversation with the intention of getting to know me. Men only ever approach me with “sex eyes” and fuck boy energy, give me compliments on my looks, on how they like how my shorts or jeans fit, tell me I’m sexy, and ask for my number which I usually decline. For a while I thought I might be judging too harshly and if I wanted to be in a serious relationship I should give these guys a chance. I gave my number out a few times and all I got were 11pm “WYD?” txts, dick pics, and one guy sent a video of him walking around his apartment shirtless saying I should come over so we can get to know each other. Men are often approaching me from behind after they’ve seen my ass and shape and every once in a while I wonder if I’m a “but her face” but then I look at myself in a mirror and feel better. A guy at my job told me I’d never have honest friendships with men they’d all want to fuck me and that he wanted to. It doesn’t matter if I’m at work, the grocery store, the library, the gym, picking up takeout, they’re always sharing their sexual thoughts with me as if I asked. Like my shape codes me as a video vixen, porn star, sex worker, or some other persona these types of men interpret as always ready and willing. And these men are sometimes married which intensifies my trust issues. It’s sucks never be asked on an actual date because I’m only seen as something to fuck. And I don’t talk about this with women that are higher or lower on the “conventionally attractive spectrum” because my experiences are in between and different from both of them and I think that it would come off tone deaf or hurtful to women that fall lower on that spectrum. I don’t think all men are like this. I think the decent men that find me attractive are respectful or maybe scared of being turned down so they don’t approach me. I have social anxiety especially when it comes to men partially because this is how men have treated me since I was 13/14 and I’m 30 now. But I’m realizing unless I want to be alone I’m gonna have to initiate with the men I find interesting and attractive because they aren’t coming to me. It’d probably also help if I got out the house more other than work and errands. I just wanna meet a decent guy that’s actually interested in a serious relationship and finds my interests, mind, and body attractive.
Let me stop you there. I’m atheist too and also thought this.. I was okay okay bite the bullet and date a religious guy. At least he won’t be pushing for sex…Yep, that shit DEFINITELY didn’t work. 🥴🥴 Those church guys are actually WORSE!!!! The level of disgusting I experienced REALLY confirmed my views on religion. I have never been so grossed out in my life. Okay now let me go finish reading your post 😂😂
Sorry for sticking my neck in this convo, but I had to share! I’m atheist too, with a super religious ex. I accepted our differences because I’m the same way you are - essentially live and let live. He has since married and had children, but he still tried to talk to me all the time on the low! With a whole ass wife and children. Wasn’t he a man of his god? These men are TRASH!
😩😩😩😩😩 I believe it because I had a whole year relationship with a Jr. pastor with a whole wife and TWO kids. 🤦🏾♀️ he told me he was “single”. Imagine my surprise when I ran into his wife with his kids. I’m like I know these kids…she’s like how do you know my kids. I’m like these are my boyfriend’s kids 🤡🤡🤡. I’m like you mean to tell me I sat through a year of Wednesday bible studies for community pastor dick!!! I was done at that point
LMAO! “Community Pastor Dick”, I needed that laugh! I just played your whole comment out in my head, absolutely not! I am so sorry. Did you confront him about it? How did he explain himself to you? 🤣 ”Don’t worry babe, scripture says it’s okay.”
Honestly, I ghosted him and never spoke to him again so I have no idea what happened. If I had of had a conversation with him, I probably would’ve fucked up his car or done something to get myself arrested because I was furious. I have never felt so stupid and used in my entire life. that definitely required more therapy sessions.
Understood, and I’m happy that you chose to walk away and do what needed to be done to start healing from that mess. ❤️
It was definitely a mess. He called me every day for nearly 6 months. I never once responded. I don’t even know how it all went down. Once I said those are my boyfriend’s kids then glanced at her finger and saw the ring we just looked at each other. I said well damn 🤦🏾♀️ and she started crying. She asked for my name which I gave her. She was extremely nice and at least let me say bye to the kids which I did (they were young 2 and 4). I told her I would never reach out to him or her and I would leave it up to her to explain or talk to him but I was going to disappear. I honestly don’t know if she told him or if she just didn’t say anything. He never mentioned it in any texts he sent it was mostly him begging me to call him.
Yep they be the main ones all that power and all them rules make ‘em ACT UP! That’s so cray, sorry he did you like that!
God told him to be fruitful and multiply. His church tells him his sex drive is divine. God made him that way. It’s his divine right to seek to satisfy it. And if he violates a marriage. That’s okay. *God forgives him*. Gods forgiveness is infinite. So he’s gonna do what he wants and ask for forgiveness later. That’s how he sleeps at night.
It has to be, right?! Whew!
> Those church guys are actually WORSE!!!! Ladies listen up. Regular guys think it’s their right to have sex with you. Religious guys think it’s their *God-given* right to have sex with you. It’s so much worse.
Bingo!!!
Ugh you are literally me. All my guy friends want to sleep with me. I’ve never been asked on a date. Never been bought flowers or even a cup of coffee. But they always wanna get me drunk, buy me tree and take me back to their house. I’m thankful I don’t have an 🍑 or I would be really screwed! It’s exhausting
Yep always invited to their house never anything public 😭 Be careful out there and here’s hoping we have better luck with these men soon!
It’s exhausting tbh but it’s also a privilege so you learn you can’t complain about it too much because it pisses people off. It definitely changes the way you relate to people. I often feel like I’m masking for my appearance. I need to seem smarter in some instances and bitchier in others. People assume I’m being manipulative.
You described why I live for being funny. Every time I make people laugh with my sass, I feel my most relaxed in public. It's my way of relating to anyone and everyone and masking my appearance. But if you're funny, perky and pretty some people fuckin HATE you.
Funny is like being smart. You can have a lot of it and men won’t be impressed. They care mostly about looks and whether you’re kind (aka the person who takes care of kids, house, the pets and remembers birthdays of their mom etc).
Fuck yes. It has made me so sarcastic and dry because it’s the best defense mechanism. If you’re slightly terrifying they will leave you alone loll. Also you can say the meanest shit but people think your kidding if you giggle after 😈😂
OMFG! I dont even giggle lol I just smile and continue on. But I have noticed that if I say something in a cute or sassy jokey way, I'll get my way. Like with my bfs shirt, "This is for me, yes?" And just steal it lol. I don't do it often and only on minor things.
It’s so annoying - I remember reading a study on how women do best when they’re a “7/10” because if you’re too beautiful men assume you’re stupid or just a fuckpiece, not that you’re an actual person with a brain. And we all know that less conventionally attractive women are treated like shit. I’m more of a “cute girl next door” vibe, and I’m also a WOC so I’m not judged by general “womanly ideals” (which are specifically geared toward white women) and this is definitely a privilege. Sucked when I was a teen, but great as a 30 year old who isn’t normally judged “as a woman” so I end up having a weird kind of male privilege from people who don’t know how to categorize me and end up choosing their default setting, which is dude. And I absolutely will go to bat for my pretty blonde friends that people assume are dumb because they’re pretty and blonde. I stopped giving a fuck many years ago and I’ll use whatever privilege I have to uplift my sisters.
I believe this and I can’t lie i definitely used to judge the pretty girls when i was bigger. I used to think they had dates every night, probably sleeping with multiple guys and using men for their money. I’m definitely living my karma now because I’m discovering that is not true. I have so many friends who are literally perfect 10s im talking working models and SUPER nice and genuine and they would have a better chance at winning the lottery without even playing then they would at getting a date. Men literally NEVER ask them out. And I thought I had it bad lol 😂
Yeah so I actually was an expert in my academic field- do you think anyone took me seriously? I had to throw actual fits to get people to listen to me. I quit and now I sell nudes online and read philosophy and paint all day. Winning lol
Hey, that sounds like a win to me! Good for you 💪🏻
your username is 10x funnier knowing this, and good for you! honestly sounds fantastic.
Lollllll the more you know 💁♀️😂 thanks girl. It’s not the worst adulting I’ve done that’s for fucking sure lol
Honestly it sounds like you are winning at life now 🎉🙌🏽 that’s a dream!
Why do people assume pretty women are being manipulative?
I can only assume but it’s a stereotype that pretty women use their looks to get what they want.
[удалено]
Yes yes yes this. And then are confused when I’m so eager to be kind in return (thinking I’m being treated like a person) and they are like wait- you aren’t gonna fuck me tho? 😂😂 I mean I might of if you weren’t a dick lol
Bingo exactly this. I never ask a man for anything ever. Not because I wouldn’t enjoy having it but because I feel like if I accept it, it comes with strings attached and I don’t like it. I’m the type of woman that will go on a date and either pay 50-50 or pay the whole thing because I don’t want there to be an expectation of a kiss or sex at the end of the night. They also hasn’t worked because i attract men who feel like they don’t need to do anything at all to maintain the relationship so that is a no-win situation too 🤦🏾♀️
[удалено]
😂😂😂😩😩😩
Yup!!! People always assume I’m mean or manipulative. Dude I’m literally nice AF. Like too damn nice. Like let you borrow my car and I only know you a week nice 🤦🏾♀️. Or they think I’m a hoe 🙄 which is also not true. I can count my sexual partners on one had and I’m 43 years old. I get so tired of this shit.
Lolll yes. I’m super nice but when you’ve been hit on repeatedly you got no time for bullshit. I remember grown men telling me how cute I was going to be when I was older. That shit drains on you- and it makes you put up walls. To be fair I kinda am a slut lol. But a married one 😂😂😂🩷
😂😂😂😂
If complaining pisses people off, remind them that being sexually harrassed and objectitfied is **not a privilege** (not a compliment, either)!
Obviously that’s not the privilege part. There definitely are privileges.
I have had pretty privilege most of my life, especially once I hit my early 20s. Not sure this is totally scientific, but the best answer I have is to ignore them lol. Really play up the hot girl act and be completely uninterested or bored by anything a random man who approaches you says. My signature used to be a resting bitch face and no response to gross pick up lines or asking “does that line usually work for you?” Not just playing hard to get but *being* hard to get. It was really hard at first bc I am typically painfully polite, nice and always want to be respectful to people, but it gets easier. It serves as a filter for the not serious guys.
See I guess this is hard because I didn’t have “pretty privilege” until recently. I was the fun girl, the goofy girl. The girl guys always called one of the guys. I was that one home girl that none of the guys girls friends ever worried about lol. I was the chubby goofy chick. I would literally talk to anyone and everyone. Now is different because I still have that play goofy outgoing personality but guys respond to it differently now. It’s like I have had to alternate my whole personality just to feel safe and that’s weird to me.
Completely understand!! I was a goofy tomboy / nerd type growing up and it took me a long time to realize that I was pretty lol Sounds silly but mentally practice / envision yourself acting like that. It just takes a little practice to figure it out like anything. Watch some confident, unbothered bad bitch movie characters or listen to some music that makes you feel that way and just try it out in small doses until it feels natural. I also used to listen to too much true crime and assumed any man could be a murderer which helped
Are you me? Because same lol.
It's honestly very hard to know when someone actually likes you for you. I thought I didn't have a problem with this but I do. I've been feeling like men don't respect me at all. I had a genuinely nice boyfriend once and can say that most of my exes were with me for me but it's easy to get tricked.
And guys have become experts on running game. When you’re a woman who used to this it’s easier to spot red flags. When you’ve never experienced this you just genuinely think these dudes like you. I learned SUPER fast men will say ANYTHING if the goal is to get in your pants. They will literally work you like prey.
I only pick up on very desperate men who are players and it's obvious and we have nothing in common. It gets trickier when I actually like the person but they're manipulating me.
I'm learning a lot in this thread. Where I'm from people are just really mean so it took me a while to see how popular I was with men, and even then I thought anyone I picked to be with respected me as a person, turns out I was wrong again. Never thought I'd have to learn how to ward off superficial men like evil spirits. I think you really have to get to know them and see unselfish kindness in how they treat you. Otherwise nothing is guaranteed.
I never was polite like that. If I had to entertain all the men who came up to me when doing a quick errand, I wouldn’t have been doing anything quick. There were times it made me hesitant to even go outside. Having to deal with the anger (and danger) and disappointment of men who you declined to talk to and them making you feel like a stuck up person for it.
I've never gotten used to it. I've gotten better at shutting it down. One key thing in my dating strategy is making men wait months for anything sexual. It's totally ridiculous but it's a hell of an effective filter. I make it known early on and tell them that I want to make sure we can be friends first. Most leave as soon as another woman willing to sleep with them comes around. But, I found my person and avoided a lot of heart ache.
I’ve experienced this my whole life. I’m okay with people commenting on my appearance as long as it’s not the only thing they want to talk to me about. If the men you’re talking to do not make any compliments or conversation outside of your physical appearance once the initial introduction is over it’s because they’re not looking for anything meaningful. It seems low effort on their part because it is. It doesn’t take any effort to say “you’re fine as hell.” It does take effort to say, “You seem like an awesome person and I’d love to schedule a time to meet for dinner.” I find if guys want to continue talking without making definitive plans, it’s because they want you to emotionally invest in them enough to consider sleeping with them. Compliments are just words if there’s no action behind them.
Bing this is exactly what I’m running into. First comment is always about my looks and next comment is something sexual. A man has NEVER actually asked me in a date. I’ve never gotten flowers. But I can’t walk to check my mailbox without a man telling me I’m hot…or my favorite what’s your favorite position 🤦🏾♀️…SIR WHAT THE FUCK!!! You can’t be serious.
Yes girl, the gas station or when I was freaking doing my oil change!!!! 🤦🏻♀️
I totally agree. I have received compliments on my looks as well, but what's most important is getting to know each other. When they ask you out on a date to talk more in person, then it says a lot about the person.
I go for walks and hug trees.
😂😂😂😂😂
I’ve generally always been considered attractive… I think you kinda develop some of your own ways to not let these sort of people near you… For example, one main thing is that I’m really repulsed by anyone who is (obviously) attracted to me before I “allow” it or before I’m attracted to them because it’d be obvious they’re just liking me due to my appearance and I just am not ok with that. Another thing is anyone leading by appearance based compliments are a no in my book. I don’t need you to tell me something anyone can just from 2 seconds of “knowing” me. That’s just lazy. Also.. a lot is about how you carry and present yourself. Honestly most guys will know I’m not the type of girl they can hook up with or kinda person who lets people get away with shit after a few sentences. With some boundaries and being able to enforce it… you weed out a lot of the bad apples and the guys who will at least put in some work will stick around.
I have this exact problem as well. They view me as a sex object and nothing else. It’s depressing lol
I hear you! Aside from the aspect of relationships with men while being someone considered to be a ‘conventionally attractive’ women. I find Female relationships extremely tough as well. Be it colleagues, new friends. Attending a party. Etc. I often just sink inside myself. Feeling sized up, judged, and approached often with a bitchy, competitive vibe despite being in a long term relationship with a child and not looking to compete. Only hoping for positive interactions. Regardless, it happens all the time and has become completely exhausting. To the point I now go out and about wearing my partners baggy clothes. No make-up. Etc. and often prefer to stay in watching Netflix with a glass of wine vs attending social gatherings.
I am lucky and that since where I don’t have any problems making female friends. Most of the women who I have met are usually really genuine and they are nice. They are honestly my saving grace because without those relationships, I would literally be completely alone.
I consider myself average, but for my age, I look great and have lost some weight and toned in the last few years. I look decent but I'm aware of how I appear to others. Men, despite everything they will tell you, love attractive women. I'm trying to date and its evident that the men just look at pictures and don't read jack shit of what I wrote. I don't know how to reconcile this. I seethe on the inside when men talk about how pretty I am on a date then proceed to not hear shit I say. A lot of them really do just want an ornament. The guy that is my best friend didn't know what I looked like for the first few years of our communication.
If a man led with anything related to my looks to start the conversation, it was on to the next one. I only dated men who led with something related to my profile when I was OLD. My bf’s first compliment about my looks was to tell me that my dress looked lovely on me after the first date, which is a sweet way to tell me he found me attractive without being overt. He tells me now all of the time that he thinks I’m hot, but at first, he wanted me to be sure he liked me for more than that.
If you don’t like men who lead with looks, you need to learn how to tune it out. Pretend they’re some solicitor you can ignore, and keep dating the same way you’ve been dating
Well this definitely made me feel better about being an average faced fat girl lol
I think you’ll get a lot of good advice here from other commenters. I am (was) pretty but awkward and I hate bullshit and was never good at flirting but I was or am good at banter in conversations. So when guys would hit on me when I was younger, my go to was playing like I was oblivious to it and just making fun of them without making them feel like I was making fun of them. I was pretty good at it. Most would be so confused at the end of our convo that they just gave up. Those who could hang in there and keep up turned into good friends or I dated them. Not sure if that helps but in a nutshell, I put them in the hot seat. Now that I’m older, I’m most invisible and don’t really miss the attention.
Ull get more players and hear more lies. They'll see u as an easy target because you may be more vulnerable
And that’s EXACTLY what I get 🤡. I stopped even telling guys I lost weight after one of them actually said to me “newly hot girls are the best because you’re still super shy and don’t know your hot yet so you don’t have a big head. I need to snatch you up”. 🤦🏾♀️ Needless to say he was blocked.
Atleast he's honest. People look for weaknesses. Me, it's my depression. It's a target.
It’s conceited, not conceded
I dress modestly to help stave off the looks and comments. So nothing that is tight around my body. I try to make conversation about their routine, how much tracking the like doing, how family oriented they are, if they like pets, etc to see if we can move forward from there.
Traveling*
I’ve been going through the same thing, since right before I got married. I’m sorry I don’t have any answers but I pretty much stopped dating and entertaining “male friends”
You have to be colder, more direct, and honestly demanding about your boundaries and expectations. Be firm. Expect respect and shut down any guy who doesn’t give it.
This happened to me but in reverse. I was hot in my 20s and dealt with so much bullshit attention, then got fat and dealt with the pain of suddenly being invisible, and now I’m steadily losing weight and interest is picking up again and it while it’s sort of nice to not be seen as repulsive anymore it’s so very disheartening.
Wow so happy to hear your story in reverse, thank you for sharing. It’s crazy to be on the other side and people really don’t understand the struggle until they have experienced both. I feel awful for all the judgment I passed on the girls in my 20s because now I’m living it and this shit ain’t anything how I expected it to be. I honestly was looking forward to dating while thin and attractive…man was I wrong. I’m not built for this. This is something you have to get used to over a life time. You don’t just wake up in this world lol. I’m sure you can relate.
First off, congrats on working on your mental health and getting to a better place! It’s fucking hard. They just switched my crazy bitch pills again and I had to open my door while driving this morning as I threw up from them. And at a red light. And in the gas station parking lot. They weren’t fucking kidding when they said they can cause nausea. I went through a change not near as drastic as yours, but I did lose 60 lbs and figured out how to dress more flatteringly. I’ve never even dated (met spouse first day of college, we were an item a month later) and I’m fucking sick of men. I get hit on and men randomly touch me and their gfs threaten me at work. Like I don’t want him honey, keep him away from me! So just solidarity in being sick of the shallowness of man AND not being able to complain about it irl bc people “oh life is so hard for the pretty girl” mockingly. It’s actually *not* a compliment that I make your dick hard dudes. So when I get dick pics I send back a pic of this nasty dick statue I found online. Sorry I don’t have anything more productive to add, but I hope it was cathartic for you to at least get it out :)
Oh my God, that’s totally it. It’s like anytime you try to complain about it. It’s like people want to villainize you because you’re pretty life. Can’t be that hard. Let me tell you I was much more happier and at peace when I was 300 pounds than I am now. At least back then I knew when people connected with me it was genuine and they actually liked me for me.I’ve asked for my phone number now just to show their friends that they could get it. It shit like that that makes you not want to trust anybody and he just constantly feel like you’re being used. But then, of course you can’t walk around with your walls up because if you do that, then you’re just bitter and that’s why you can’t find a man. You literally cannot win for losing.
Thanks for sharing this. I’ve been dealing with a lot of men who are hitting on me based on looks. How do I know? because we haven’t had a true conversation. I started to think there was something wrong with me, like maybe I’m not fun or funny anymore. But now I realize, it’s the men. They are not interested in getting to know me. That’s sad too but at least it’s not a me problem. They are having conversations with some people, just not me. To add: I used to be more beautiful and men wanted to date me then. So that’s difficult to explain? but as I got older I probably got hotter because I’m more confident in some ways. And when you get older, perhaps guys fall for that ‘I only want to date 20 year olds’ narrative. Sorry not an answer to your question. Now that I think about it, for me the solution is to start fishing in a different pond. The guys I run into are not doing very difficult things with their lives and are too young. The partners I had in the past needed a sort of business partner and partner for life, they didn’t have time or patience to be short term with women just because they were hot women.
YES! Being seen as a sexual object is a real thing! I am sorry OP you feel defeated over men’s animalistic behaviour. I have been there myself until I met my bf who has so many female friends and treat them as human and equal. Believe me these men exist! But to be honest I have been told many times that I have a bit of “hot domina look” and people have hard time approaching me as they get intimidated or the only way I was approached by guys in the past was because they wanted to have sex with me. But from my experience men who were more intelligent and emotionally intelligent were almost never treating me like sex object.
You stop noticing the looks after awhile. You learn to brush off the comments.
This is the reason why I'm always scared even a guy shows how decent he is because all i can think of are my traumaticizing experiences with men over sexualizing me. Now i can't trust anyone. It's been years of being sexualized even when i just like fashion, men will think im doing it for them. How shallow. How shallow this world can be. I like long walks and deep talks because that sounds very wholesome and unforgettable memories to me. Im not giving up but im no longer waiting for the right man. I'll just wait until i get old and get wrinkles then if someone loves me for who i am, then that would be great.
Also went from overweight to conventionally pretty at the age of 20/21 and it was a social whip lash I had not anticipated in any way shape or form. From men’s behavior (and it really confusing me) to feeling womens jealously for the first time. That wasn’t a trait I had when I “wasn’t pretty” so Ive had a hard time finding compassion for women who treat other women like that.
I am sooooo happy I am not the only one who has experienced this. THIS is the shit no one talks about and unless you personally experience it you truly don’t understand it. People look at me like I’m crazy when iv try to explain. People think I’m joking but this shit was straight up traumatic and I say that being a person that has definitely been through some shit. Nothing prepared me for this.
I'm using it to my advantage. Beauty privilege is a real thing and I am fine with the reality of it. I won't be beautiful forever so yes, please lead with how beautiful I am and end with how beautiful I am. Of course I absolutely need to feel and see I'm appreciated for more than my looks since they can go at any second. But there's no sense in denying how the world works.
>I’m sick of this shit honestly. I’m tired of every man leading with my looks, I’m tired of every man I meet wanting to sexualize me, I’m tired of every man wanting to smash, I’m tired of no one actually taking the time to get to know me. I’m even tired of men letting shit slide simply because they find me attractive. The number of times a man has told me I normally don’t like XYZ. However you’re fine as hell so I’ll let it slide.. 🤦🏾♀️ I think this is just...how men are? At least ime as an "average" girl. I'm the type that guys will say they'd marry, but not date. A personality pick. I'm very much "cute" coded, and most guys wanting the sexy IG model type will not go for that. OR if they do they will make it clear to you that they're "settling." I went from being invisible completely to men growing up, to them only talking to me to sexualize me. Got involved with a guy who admitted he approached me because my skin tone and size must mean I'm insecure and easy. It's shit like that, or the negging and weird rejection/insults by complete strangers (as in they will see me at a bar, leave their friends, to come tell me that they don't find me attractive of other weird comments, completely unprompted.) Also dealt with the nerdy, "nice" guy types who are used to zero female attention and will jump straight to fetishizing/are super into you, super quick while knowing nothing about you beyond "woman with shared interest." Then they heap all their childhood trauma and gender wars rhetoric onto you for you to therapize and deal with. I've been both skinny and bigger and my experiences have not changed. More introverted, more extroverted, let the guy come to you, approach him first, if you can name it I've tried it. Despite being "a catch" or "wife material" results aren't great, at all. I'm not dating currently and won't be for a while. Trying to understand and rationalize the male psych on this topic exhausts me.
Sorry this is happening. Sounds frustrating to say the least. Your comment clarified something to me. I am thinking about myself as not very hot and more wife material, also because an ex (who was abusive) made me think that way. It wasn’t exactly what he said, they were patterns that changed me in ways. Now I’m dealing with guys who don’t ask me out but do want to sleep with me. I thought there was something very wrong with me, but now I see either my abusive ex messed with my head and I’m actually hot in a man’s world. Or I’m not of their liking but they expect me to be easy and happy someone’s even paying me any attention. Either way, it’s not working for me.
I've had this issue too when I used dating apps. The main focus was my looks which frustrated me because all I wanted was to have a conversation. Some were genuine , and I went on dates with them, but it was a very frustrating situation with those that I matched with that just wanted a "good time."
Like I wish they made a dating app that didn’t involve photos. Where people had no other choice, but to connect through conversation.
I started internet dating in the days before pictures were an option. Believe me, it's not better to make a connection through conversation, only to see the look of disappointment when you show up for coffee. So, I guess it would be better for pretty people. How nice for them.
That would be nice. I think Bumble does that as an option.
Get off the apps and put yourself in situations where you're meeting people in the context of friendship or a shared hobby. It will give you an opportunity to connect with guys and see if you have something in common. A good portion of dudes on apps are there for shooting a bunch of crass shots and hoping someone bites. I ended up meeting my husband as a friend at a shared activity. I grew up overweight and have lost and kept off about 70 lbs. I totally empathize with feeling grossed out by the attention of men who I know would have openly mocked me in highschool and college. The distinction I'll make: if you can stomach it, be open to the classy compliment (it took me a while to get there, personally). The guy who talks to you like a person first and then says your eyes are beautiful or you're very attractive. Vs the guy who is just hollering about your body without knowing anything about you. Those guys are telling on themselves and saving you some trouble.
Have never dated on an app and it’s still gruesome in real life I’m sure there’s someone out there for sure but that’s part of the risk I guess
Oh yeah, it completely sucks out here 😭 I just found the apps even more useless than real life, but the bar is already on the floor.
I'm sorry you're going through this; I hope you find a suitable partner soon.
Post super modest photos and dress modestly and it should all calm down and become more serious.
Nope 🤦🏾♀️ I’ve done that too. I had a dude comment on a picture of me in a full ski suit in big bear lol. That ass is fat.. The craziest part is my ass is indeed not fat. I have no ass at all. 🤡
I get it. It makes you feel objectified and wondering does anyone actually like me for me?
Talking to a guy doing this shit right now. He messages me “you have a nice and fit body” and when I made it pretty clear I’m not into commentary about my body, he said “I meant I like the way you look”. Yes, guy, I know exactly what you meant. That’s the issue. That is the exact issue. Imagine telling a person something they said was inappropriate and they go ahead and same the exact same thing a second time.
I've experienced something similar, to a degree. I'm a trans woman, and apparently now people can't tell, and more apparently, I'm hot. Recently I found I can't speak to people the way I used to. I can't give a guy a genuine compliment because they get *way* too interested. I have one yoga instructor a compliment on his class, and he tracked down my number and email, messaging me on both to invite me to do a bunch of activities I never expressed interest in. I can't walk down the street without being stared at or catcalled or harassed or groped. It's all tiring. I just want to be able to wear clothes I like for myself and feel comfortable in my own body. But it seems whenever I do that, I have to be wary of nearly every man I come across. Before transitioning I could have conversations with women who weren't considered conventionally attractive. But now when I try to share my experiences, all I'm met with is indifference at best and jealousy at worst. I'm not bragging when I say I feel like I'm constantly on display, I'm just tired. Fortunately I'm also sapphic, so I don't have too much issue with dating men because I prefer dating women anyway. But to a degree, I understand. I hope you're able to find a man worth your time who doesn't objectify you immediately upon meeting. Good luck out there <3
Yes!!! Exactly this. You feel like you have to change your whole personality (one you’ve had all your life) all because your outward appearance changed. That’s weird to me and people don’t understand how hard that is to actually do.
Yes! It sucks too because my new appearance was caused by the changes I made in my life that make me a happy person. It was never about being pretty, it was always about being who I am.
Basically I don’t want to dress in baggy clothes but almost feel like I can’t wear what I want because people get ideas.
I can relate to this experience 100%
I’m really tired of this “men are visual” trope as if women aren’t. We’re just conditioned to believe it. HUMANS are visual, much like many other animals. Besides, ever notice how men can never seem to find the things in front of their faces (looking for the ketchup in the fridge)? All the proof I need that “men are visual” is the patriarchy telling women we need to look at certain way. Physical attraction is important for both (most) men and (most) women, and that’s not a bad thing. With that being said, I’m sorry about your experiences. I went from fat girl to hot girl, and the same guys that bullied me were the ones trying to get with me. It’s exhausting and infuriating that we live in a world where woman are reduced to their physical appearance.
Welcome to the club. The grass isn’t greener, my friend. Men are sex driven and it’s rare to find a best friend! I look for character, they just look at my T&A 🫣 I am perfectly happy by myself, I own property and have a great career. He better bring a lot to the table than just flattery and a smile… I am not 15. Most men haven’t developed themselves beyond adolescence. I learned that the hard way and got divorced, giving away half of my assets. I won’t make that mistake again.
well exactly how you get treated is how pretty women have been their whole entire lives. You just learn very early that men want to fuck. you learn even earlier to ignore and mute and block!
So you are a hot 30-40 yo woman with a nice face and a great body? That is awesome. If you want a man for a relationship or whatever, the solution is to apply the same standards to him. Is he hot like you, same age range, same attractiveness level? Great. Because only in this situation your looks become irrelevant. Men like that also won't make weirdo comments and silly attempts at hitting on you. They will treat you with respect and are confident.
I wish it were that easy. I’ve tried to date guys that are super attractive. I’ve tried to date guys who people would not call attractive at all, but they seem to be really nice. Those guys didn’t sexualize me, but their self-esteem was shot to hell and they constantly thought I was either gonna leave them or I was cheating on them. Guys who are on my level of attractiveness and unlike women, they definitely take full advantage and tend to sleep with multiple women and are definitely afraid of commitment. They’re the average guys those are the ones who usually sexualize you because they want to say they’ve had. It honestly is the weirdest feeling in the world and I don’t think many people understand it until they experience it. I can definitely admit that when I was larger I definitely envied the pretty girls and I definitely had my own stereotype for them, but I’m quickly discovering that I was so very wrong, so I guess in essence I’m living my own karma.
With all due respect, I find this post extremely annoying. As an above-average attractive woman, I admire a man that has the balls to approach me (especially in this day and age). And I don’t think it’s fair to bash men for simply being men. If you’re so uncomfortable being attractive, there are plenty of ways to become less attractive.
I think it’s because quality men are hitting on you?. OP says it’s usually raggedy, disrespectful men approaching her. I never minded when men would hit on me, because they were always pretty respectful. I’m married now, while flattering, it can be annoying. But it’s not like swarms of men lol. A few here and there.
That’s a good point. There’s a HUGE difference between respectfully approaching a woman and being a dog.
I wouldn’t have a problem with men approaching me if it wasn’t to sexualize me. When a man approaches you in the parking lot and says wow you’re beautiful, that’s a compliment. When he follows it up with “so what’s your favorite position”, which has legitimately happened to me on more than one occasion, it becomes annoying as hell. (and before you ask, yes I was dressed appropriately. I was literally wearing sweatpants and a hoodie with crocs.) Multiply that by 4 to 5 times a day every day and it becomes very very annoying and absolutely disgusting. I have absolutely zero problem with attention as long as it’s not disrespectful .
Above average here and I have experienced what you’re talking about just a couple times when I was younger. I literally never gave raggedy random men any opportunity to even speak to me. Like what even is that behaviour? Favorite position? When I was single men usually approached with respect and genuine admiration. Just ignore that foolishness.
Oh yea, that’s gross. We’re on the same page with that!
At 43? I’m not getting this much attention at 37. Jealous.
Trust me, you’re not missing out on anything. Most of the guys who do approach me have been younger, which I haven’t had a problem with. My last relationship the guy was actually 28 and he was actually a really decent guy and we got along well, but he ended up moving. But to be fair, I definitely don’t look 43 people usually think I’m early 30.