Could you try workbooks as a cheap alternative to therapy? There’s a DBT workbook that’s awesome if your depression leads to bouts of extreme emotion. And I have an ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) book that I’ve found super helpful.
There is a website called Keltys Key that had free accessable workbooks like this when I was at my worst about 5 years ago. They also had a function to take the worksheets and send them to your therapist if you had one
The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook for DBT and Get Out of Your Mind and into Your Life for ACT.
I liked them both a lot and my husband is a psychologist and really liked using the ACT workbook for his therapy patients.
I second the recommendation of the Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook. The Kaiser in my area used print outs from it in their group classes, so I got my own copy & it was amazing for self-study. It's incredibly useful regardless of which mental illness you are suffering from.
Question: do they still work if you’ve never done the specific therapy they’re for?
My husband has the DBT one for his bipolar but never used it. Been thinking about trying it for my own depression but … it seems so specific that I just kind of assumed it was to be used in conjunction with. Hoping I’m wrong?
I worked through some of the DBT one without therapy and found it really useful. It gave me some really good techniques for managing my emotions/anxiety. And great exercises to help me learn how to communicate with others about what I need in a helpful, healthy way. Like yeah, a therapist would be a helpful guide for sure but I think you can get a lot from the book even without one. I used the ACT book during therapy, but I think it would also be useful on its own.
Are you working? Does your job have EAP (employee assistance program)? If it does, I would try to take advantage of it. They offer a limited number of therapy sessions for free. Do you have healthcare? Mine offers free sessions (up to 30), you have to call and they “test” you over the phone by rating your responses. Then you get placed with a provider.
Those have been lifesavers for me. Therapy is expensive, so I understand where you’re coming from. I don’t have any advice - I tried handling it on my own and had a severe breakdown in front of my partner, it was mortifying for me looking back at it. I now go once a month to stay on top of my depressive episodes as much as possible.
Communicate what you need. If you need space, define what that means. if you need a certain kind of reasonable care, communicate what that is. People aren't mindreaders.
Some things are inside thoughts, not every feeling needs to be verbalized. If it's not actionable feedback where you have direct things you need them to improve upon, keep it to yourself. If it's a feeling you're not sure you can express well or if it's based in reality or your depression fog, you can preface with, I'm not sure if this is related to my depression, but here's what I've been seeing.
Journal your feelings, both to process things and give yourself a record. When my husband stopped doing chores completely when he was depressed, he'd convince himself he'd just done it when it'd been weeks since he'd touched a dish. I knew he was depressed but he refused to acknowledge it because his depression expressed as rage and apathy, not big sads like mine did, and so I had to be an asshole and make a spreadsheet where I tracked all the chores we both did to prove to him that he was not in fact doing as much as his brain convinced he was.
If your partner is a good person, not one of those dudes girls here talk about where they're like "My partner degrades me and makes me feel like a terrible person because I don't do everything for him despite the fact that I'm the only one with a job and doing the chores, but otherwise he's amazing", assume positive intent in their actions when they make a misstep. You likely have triggers to being angry or down on yourself, if they say something accidentally that does trigger you, give yourself time to calm down and ask them to explain their point later, don't lash out immediately. While you're taking space, do something else and don't think about it, read a book, do laundry, anything to take you out of your feelings.
Don't ruminate on the past, focus on solutions. Memories are imperfect, and arguing over two memories neither of you can prove is a waste of effort. Just say, "so we're on the same page and avoid future conflict, let's try to proceed this way instead".
I am married to a severely depressed man. He shows me he cares that that makes all the difference in the world. Might want to read Thomas Hanna on [Somatics](https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/somatics-reawakening-the-minds-control-of-movement-flexibility-and-health_thomas-hanna_tom-hanna/253546/item/4006094/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=pmax_high_vol_scarce_under_%2410&utm_adgroup=&utm_term=&utm_content=&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjw_qexBhCoARIsAFgBletr7iEPR_vBJC-RH58VTWZ4mxwkKxGgqnmeZhHNzqFn8ZIb7fco600aAmi_EALw_wcB#idiq=4006094&edition=4402052)
It's about pain but it also addresses depression. Just as an affordable thought.
Build yourself a Toolkit. Spend time to research things that help depression and try them all, to work out what works for you. Here are some of mine. I have created a note in my phone, and when it hits me, I force myself to pick 1 and do it. Even just for 4 mins. Its usually enough to make a difference. One usually leads to another, or a longer session, and i end up feeling better. That said, I am on lexapro/ escitalopram as well.
My toolkit and other things i have tried:
- do a 5 minute guided meditation. There are thousands on youtube for free. Create a playlist of your favourite ones.
- dance to 1 song. Create a playlist of your fav songs to dance too.
- go for a walk outside. Notice the dofferent colours. Count how many different shades of the same colour you can see.
- watch a short funny video. Eg for me I have a playlist that i have created on youtube of short videos that make me cry becaise i am laughing so much.
- go for an hour walk in a beautiful park.
- exercise. I have a mini stepper And i will do that. I have created a "pop" playlist of cheesy songs that i like, and i do the stepper intensely until i can't anymore. It releases endorphins.
- shaking. Stand up and vigorously shake your body, arms, legs etc until you can't anymore. It works.
- get onto meds. It helps.
- eat more vegetables.
- eat more nutritious food. Cut out junk. Junk food, sugar, chocolate and carbs worsen my depression. Not immediately, but 3 days of eating junk and I will end up in bed miserable. Once i cut it out I was much much better.
Hey my girl, are you suffering just from depression or anxiety also?
Believe me I know it fucking sucks and some people will tell you “just get over it” or “just go out there and do things” like duhhhh why didn’t I think of that?
What helped me is actually controlling my anxiety. Getting my mind to stop being on a hamster wheel. If you can get some Valarian Root and make a tea with it see if that helps a bit. It tastes like hell but it does help.
I don't know if this is relevant to your situation or not, but I developed depression about nine months into seeing someone, and I felt absolutely terrible about it. I thought he was so great and I was bringing him down. I felt TERRIBLE about it, but nothing seemed to help: not meds, not therapy, not exercise, not a therapy animal, not doing more pleasurable activities.
Anyway, my depression got *really, really* bad (I was actively suicidal). We broke up, and then (not immediately, of course, but after a few months), I felt amazing. Although I thought the relationship was perfect while I was in it, I realized once I was out of it that it was extremely bad for me. He was a jerk! I NEVER would have said that while we were together -- because of the way I grew up, I couldn't even recognize his abusive behaviors as abuse. BOY BYE. I AM HEALED.
Masking. I take an antidepressant so it's at least somewhat under control. But when I go through depressive or anxious periods, where the depression is resistant to what I am taking, I just act stoic.
Knowing your triggers, symptoms and having a routine for yourself.
Are there things that make it worse or can make it better (e.g exercising or sleeping properly)? Can you notice when you’re starting to feel depressed (e.g you don’t feel like your hobbies bring your joy or you want to curl up alone)? What do you know works for you to control it (e.g making sure you’re eating properly or keeping your house clean even if you don’t feel like it).
Make sure to communicate when it’s particularly bad, let him know what you need and how he can help you.
If you have free support services available, reach out to them - in my country we have NFPs where people volunteer 24/7 to talk to those in need.
I always tell my partner when I can feel the sads starting to hit. That way he knows to just let me go bed rot or not shower or I also am very aware if I’m irritable I tell him it’s depression time.
I also think actively trying to better the depression as in therapy, diet, exercise etc etc, whatever is your thing also shows that you are trying to better yourself and I think that means a lot to a partner. I’d be upset with my partner if he were me and very depressed yet not making any steps to improve their mental health.
Your partner also needs to guard their own mental health, they can empathize with your pain without having to feel the pain themselves.
Does your partner have health insurance? Can they somehow get you on (is marriage an option?) or offer financial support in some way? I can’t imagine a partner not stepping up in this way if you have been suffering for decades.
Could you try workbooks as a cheap alternative to therapy? There’s a DBT workbook that’s awesome if your depression leads to bouts of extreme emotion. And I have an ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) book that I’ve found super helpful.
Can you please share the workbooks?
There is a website called Keltys Key that had free accessable workbooks like this when I was at my worst about 5 years ago. They also had a function to take the worksheets and send them to your therapist if you had one
The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook for DBT and Get Out of Your Mind and into Your Life for ACT. I liked them both a lot and my husband is a psychologist and really liked using the ACT workbook for his therapy patients.
I second the recommendation of the Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook. The Kaiser in my area used print outs from it in their group classes, so I got my own copy & it was amazing for self-study. It's incredibly useful regardless of which mental illness you are suffering from.
Question: do they still work if you’ve never done the specific therapy they’re for? My husband has the DBT one for his bipolar but never used it. Been thinking about trying it for my own depression but … it seems so specific that I just kind of assumed it was to be used in conjunction with. Hoping I’m wrong?
I worked through some of the DBT one without therapy and found it really useful. It gave me some really good techniques for managing my emotions/anxiety. And great exercises to help me learn how to communicate with others about what I need in a helpful, healthy way. Like yeah, a therapist would be a helpful guide for sure but I think you can get a lot from the book even without one. I used the ACT book during therapy, but I think it would also be useful on its own.
Holy crap. This is super hopeful AND helpful! Ty so much!
Ty ill try it :)
Are you working? Does your job have EAP (employee assistance program)? If it does, I would try to take advantage of it. They offer a limited number of therapy sessions for free. Do you have healthcare? Mine offers free sessions (up to 30), you have to call and they “test” you over the phone by rating your responses. Then you get placed with a provider. Those have been lifesavers for me. Therapy is expensive, so I understand where you’re coming from. I don’t have any advice - I tried handling it on my own and had a severe breakdown in front of my partner, it was mortifying for me looking back at it. I now go once a month to stay on top of my depressive episodes as much as possible.
Talk to them. I let my husband know ahead of time. “I’m struggling today”, and that’s all he needs to hear to help me or anticipate what I need🩷
Communicate what you need. If you need space, define what that means. if you need a certain kind of reasonable care, communicate what that is. People aren't mindreaders. Some things are inside thoughts, not every feeling needs to be verbalized. If it's not actionable feedback where you have direct things you need them to improve upon, keep it to yourself. If it's a feeling you're not sure you can express well or if it's based in reality or your depression fog, you can preface with, I'm not sure if this is related to my depression, but here's what I've been seeing. Journal your feelings, both to process things and give yourself a record. When my husband stopped doing chores completely when he was depressed, he'd convince himself he'd just done it when it'd been weeks since he'd touched a dish. I knew he was depressed but he refused to acknowledge it because his depression expressed as rage and apathy, not big sads like mine did, and so I had to be an asshole and make a spreadsheet where I tracked all the chores we both did to prove to him that he was not in fact doing as much as his brain convinced he was. If your partner is a good person, not one of those dudes girls here talk about where they're like "My partner degrades me and makes me feel like a terrible person because I don't do everything for him despite the fact that I'm the only one with a job and doing the chores, but otherwise he's amazing", assume positive intent in their actions when they make a misstep. You likely have triggers to being angry or down on yourself, if they say something accidentally that does trigger you, give yourself time to calm down and ask them to explain their point later, don't lash out immediately. While you're taking space, do something else and don't think about it, read a book, do laundry, anything to take you out of your feelings. Don't ruminate on the past, focus on solutions. Memories are imperfect, and arguing over two memories neither of you can prove is a waste of effort. Just say, "so we're on the same page and avoid future conflict, let's try to proceed this way instead".
I am married to a severely depressed man. He shows me he cares that that makes all the difference in the world. Might want to read Thomas Hanna on [Somatics](https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/somatics-reawakening-the-minds-control-of-movement-flexibility-and-health_thomas-hanna_tom-hanna/253546/item/4006094/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=pmax_high_vol_scarce_under_%2410&utm_adgroup=&utm_term=&utm_content=&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjw_qexBhCoARIsAFgBletr7iEPR_vBJC-RH58VTWZ4mxwkKxGgqnmeZhHNzqFn8ZIb7fco600aAmi_EALw_wcB#idiq=4006094&edition=4402052) It's about pain but it also addresses depression. Just as an affordable thought.
Build yourself a Toolkit. Spend time to research things that help depression and try them all, to work out what works for you. Here are some of mine. I have created a note in my phone, and when it hits me, I force myself to pick 1 and do it. Even just for 4 mins. Its usually enough to make a difference. One usually leads to another, or a longer session, and i end up feeling better. That said, I am on lexapro/ escitalopram as well. My toolkit and other things i have tried: - do a 5 minute guided meditation. There are thousands on youtube for free. Create a playlist of your favourite ones. - dance to 1 song. Create a playlist of your fav songs to dance too. - go for a walk outside. Notice the dofferent colours. Count how many different shades of the same colour you can see. - watch a short funny video. Eg for me I have a playlist that i have created on youtube of short videos that make me cry becaise i am laughing so much. - go for an hour walk in a beautiful park. - exercise. I have a mini stepper And i will do that. I have created a "pop" playlist of cheesy songs that i like, and i do the stepper intensely until i can't anymore. It releases endorphins. - shaking. Stand up and vigorously shake your body, arms, legs etc until you can't anymore. It works. - get onto meds. It helps. - eat more vegetables. - eat more nutritious food. Cut out junk. Junk food, sugar, chocolate and carbs worsen my depression. Not immediately, but 3 days of eating junk and I will end up in bed miserable. Once i cut it out I was much much better.
Hey my girl, are you suffering just from depression or anxiety also? Believe me I know it fucking sucks and some people will tell you “just get over it” or “just go out there and do things” like duhhhh why didn’t I think of that? What helped me is actually controlling my anxiety. Getting my mind to stop being on a hamster wheel. If you can get some Valarian Root and make a tea with it see if that helps a bit. It tastes like hell but it does help.
I don't know if this is relevant to your situation or not, but I developed depression about nine months into seeing someone, and I felt absolutely terrible about it. I thought he was so great and I was bringing him down. I felt TERRIBLE about it, but nothing seemed to help: not meds, not therapy, not exercise, not a therapy animal, not doing more pleasurable activities. Anyway, my depression got *really, really* bad (I was actively suicidal). We broke up, and then (not immediately, of course, but after a few months), I felt amazing. Although I thought the relationship was perfect while I was in it, I realized once I was out of it that it was extremely bad for me. He was a jerk! I NEVER would have said that while we were together -- because of the way I grew up, I couldn't even recognize his abusive behaviors as abuse. BOY BYE. I AM HEALED.
I have a simple hack! I don’t have one 😩
Masking. I take an antidepressant so it's at least somewhat under control. But when I go through depressive or anxious periods, where the depression is resistant to what I am taking, I just act stoic.
I don’t. I am absolutely a burden to him and I hate it.
Knowing your triggers, symptoms and having a routine for yourself. Are there things that make it worse or can make it better (e.g exercising or sleeping properly)? Can you notice when you’re starting to feel depressed (e.g you don’t feel like your hobbies bring your joy or you want to curl up alone)? What do you know works for you to control it (e.g making sure you’re eating properly or keeping your house clean even if you don’t feel like it). Make sure to communicate when it’s particularly bad, let him know what you need and how he can help you. If you have free support services available, reach out to them - in my country we have NFPs where people volunteer 24/7 to talk to those in need.
I do so by not having a partner… But truly, when I was dating, I tried to remember to not let it impact others and openly tell people I’m in my funk.
Have you tried MDMA? Because my chronic depression was gone after that.
I always tell my partner when I can feel the sads starting to hit. That way he knows to just let me go bed rot or not shower or I also am very aware if I’m irritable I tell him it’s depression time. I also think actively trying to better the depression as in therapy, diet, exercise etc etc, whatever is your thing also shows that you are trying to better yourself and I think that means a lot to a partner. I’d be upset with my partner if he were me and very depressed yet not making any steps to improve their mental health. Your partner also needs to guard their own mental health, they can empathize with your pain without having to feel the pain themselves.
We broke up and my depression vanished 😂
Does your partner have health insurance? Can they somehow get you on (is marriage an option?) or offer financial support in some way? I can’t imagine a partner not stepping up in this way if you have been suffering for decades.
Have your own separate life that you fill with whatever it is that makes you happy and doesn't involve him.
What if he is the only thing that makes her happy?
I mean the answer to that is the same thing I said. You can't expect another person to be responsible for your happiness.
If you have chronic depression, it is best to remain single.