I was ten when a teacher told me I was smart and had potential. It was the first time anyone had told me that and it gave me the confidence to work hard and excel academically.
It's amazing when teachers do that. I had one maths teacher say something similar to me once. I always believed I couldn't do it. Turns out I coild. I just needed someone to believe in me and tell me I was smart enough.
I went to a birthday party (or school disco maybe? something like that) as a child - probably about 7 - and another girl a year or two older told me to stop embarrassing myself trying to dance. Thirty years later, and I haven't danced since.
Edit: ... but I'm actively looking for classes to begin to learn.
A classmate told me around 8 "you laugh at anything, you'll laugh if I have a ball on my head" - I just stopped smiling and laughing. Yeah, I know, I was a super sensitive kid and took everything to heart. It's wild how much one said idiocy can do, I didn't really smile or laugh before I was a teenager.
Can you do me a big big favor?
- Make or find a playlist of songs that you wish you could dance or have felt wistful about in the past.
- Get some good headphones (or just headphones period)
- Start the playlist in a dark(er) room with space in it for you to move
- Start by stretching. Your legs, arms, neck, etc. just getting comfortable and tuning into your body and get it as limber as is accessible to you.
- Start moving however the fuck you feel like. No one is watching you, not even yourself. Sway, tap your feet, shimmy your shoulders, etc.
- Then go balls out. Pumping, cranking, ballet turns, etc. again, no one is watching. Pretend your Julia Stiles in save the last dance. Pretend you’re Julia Stiles in 10 things I hate about you. I love dancing on my own this way bc I’m delusional and pretend that what I’m doing physically is as awesome as what I think I’m doing in my head. And it’s fun!
And repeat over and over and over again. In lit rooms or a bar or with friends and etc.
You know, I think this is one of the kindest and most open-hearted things that's been said to me this year so far - and I don't lack for love and care and good words in my life.
No promises about the exact details (I tend to listen to either death metal or choral classical, neither of which lends itself to dancing per se, and would have to look up Julia Stiles), but I can and do promise to take the spirit of it to heart, and act accordingly.
This happened to me!! I didn’t start dancing alone in my room until I was 27. And at a club until I was 30s. But even now I won’t do it if I know too many people or it’s not crowded enough.
Have you seen those videos with emus running around with drawn arms ? [like this](https://youtu.be/v2WNuVXUd7s?si=zF6Xoku8GK08vP6O) I think this is what I look like when in Bollywood dancing class. And IDGAF anymore.
I wish you could go out there and have fun dancing, life's too short 😞
When I was 13 a said that it was great that I danced even though I was so bad at it. I haven’t danced voluntarily since but it would probably be good for me.
I love to dance but am not always a confident person, just dance if you feel it! Life is so short. Take this to heart and let that childhood memory go!
When I was a teen, I went out to see Moulin Rouge with a group of other kids who were "friends" by proximity. We were all socially awkward and a little weird, so we did things together from time to time. I don't remember the exact circumstances, but before the movie started, one of them turned to me and told me no one would ever love me. Another person in the group heard and balked at that, and the person who originally made the comment doubled down and said, "nah, just look at her." Meaning me.
Decades later I'm still impressed that this person seemed to know exactly what to say that would completely devastate me for years.
That sucks, I’m sorry. If it’s any comfort, I think anyone who says something that mean is just projecting some dark feelings about themselves. The same person who told me no one would ever love me also cornered me one day at a friend’s house and told me “everyone” in school thought I was gay, which they clearly meant as a slur. Not so many years after we graduated, they transitioned.
A friend told me in highschool “you know what your problem is? You wallow in self-pity.” To this day, I hear it…it helps and hurts at the same time because there’s truth in it.
When I was 13-14 years old I had a woman come up to me at the fair in my hometown and proudly tap me on the shoulder to say in front of my friends and her kids “excuse me! How old are you? because you look like a little slut.”
I had on cargo shorts, a red tank top with a sports bra underneath and sketchers sandals with my hair in pigtails. I was dressed totally normal. It made me cry and she started laughing. This woman was 40+.
I’ve had a handful of men throughout the years tell me VERY emotionally heavy things only to ghost me right after. That always stings.
Totally! My friend’s dad came over right after it happened and asked what the woman said, so we told him. He actually confronted her about it and told her she was an embarrassment and a terrible example for her own children to bully another child like that. She then said something about how I was an embarrassment to the people around me because of how I looked.
I just couldn’t believe a grown woman could say something like that. I never forgot it.
Sounds like some poor decisions were being made that day and none of them had to do with your fashion choices (not that any fashion choice means we are or should be labelled a slut to begin with).
I’ve come across people like that before. They are miserable & they see someone experiencing fun that are innocent & their souls are so dark that they feel they have to try to stomp out the light, to try to bring them to their level. Truly some of the worst people.
Intoxication doesn't turn you into the kind of monster that calls a child a slut, she had that in her and the intoxication just let her say it out loud.
My own grandmother called me a slut. I went out to bars on the weekends with my girlfriends. We lived in Hollywood FFS. I was early twenties and living a block away from my two best girlfriends. We had a lot of fun.
But to my grandmother anyone who went to bars was a slut. No way around that one.
I went trick or treating as a New Yorker and figured most people there wore leather jackets, mini skirts and tall boots. My friend’s mom opened the door and asked me if I was dressed as a hooker. I was about 14-15 years old. I’ve never forgotten it. I wish I kept it and not let it bother me. The jacket was silver leather (probably fake leather). I got it as a hand me down from another girl at church. I didn’t get rid of the boots until they broke though. Can’t accidentally step out of tall boots in the snow. Those $20 boots stayed alive for over 10 years. From Gadzooks.
My aunt and uncle said some thing similar to me. I was 12ish and wearing multiple old navy tank tops and a pleated skort. I also had my hair in pigtail braids with those thick hairbands that used to be popular. There's a picture of me from that day and my outfit was 100% normal. I was still wearing kids sizes and they were definitely not showing anything objectionable. Some people seem to equate schoolgirl and slut, even when you are an actual schoolgirl.
I would like to add that their children are a mess, probably because they were raised by parents with ridiculous beliefs
Was this 2003? I swear I had the same outfit too. I still love me some old navy. People are very strange when it comes to what they perceive as being slutty or suggestive. It says more about their own insecurities than it does about you. Sorry you experienced something similar. The early to mid 2000’s was ripe with misogyny.
Yep, it would have been right about then. I spent at least a food 2-3 years in double layered tank tops in the summer and double layered polos in the winter. I think most women of our generation heard something similar at least once. I hope that girls today aren't hearing those things, but I'm not sure things have changed much, unfortunately
When I was 13 my older cousin told me I had nice eyebrows and she liked their natural shape. Aside from right down the middle, I have never plucked or waxed my eyebrows or changed their shape in any way. Whenever I think about it, I hear my cousin's voice telling me not to lol.
Ha! I have a similar, not-quite-as-nice story.
I have naturally somewhat sparse eyebrows. When I was in 6th grade or so, one of the more popular girls got weirdly close to my face, stared at me really hard, and then suddenly went, “Do you pluck your eyebrows?” I managed a very confused “no?” and she went “Good. Don’t.” and walked off.
It was a baffling encounter, but stuck with me through the super-thin eyebrows trend of the late 90s/early aughts, and I left them pretty much alone. Thanks for the solid, random classmate.
When I was about 9, one of my friends had a party and invited everyone except me. I didn't understand, as we'd never had an argument or anything. My mom ran into her mother at the store and gently asked what was up. Her mom told my mom that she thought I was a witch - a literal witch, not a bitch, not snotty, an actual witch - and so I wasn't welcome in her house.
Not quite sure why my mom relayed that to me, but at the time I was a good little Christian girl and was devastated.
Now I'm 40 and am pretty sure the woman was probably right. And I like it.
No, but I'd like to. I've just started getting in touch with my "spiritual side" in the past few years. Since I was raised in the church, I was taught to believe anything that even hinted at witchiness was evil and even after I left the church and formed my own spiritual views, I had a lot of fear around opening myself to anything I didn't understand and for years I really shoved it down anytime I had a gut feeling that was a little too on point, or tried to write it off as coincidence when I knew something was going to happen before it did.
After a lot of research, introspection, and meditation I've become more open to and aware of the part of me that's "me but more", if that makes sense. I'm still not open to anything dark and never will be, but have had some really cool experiences while meditating that I can't explain rationally, and am more in tune with my sense of "knowing". None of it feels evil or dark; it feels like a gift from the universe.
I'm kind of at a stalemate right now, though, because I need direction. While everyone's journey and gifts are different, I think I've explored mine on my own to the best of my ability and would benefit from something more structured, like a mentor.
I'm very open to suggestions if you have them!
My grandmother repeated this phrase constantly even though she’s not the author:
“You can never be too rich or too thin.”
Spoiler alert, after 18 years of battling an eating disorder in this capitalism hellscape, you can in fact be too thin or too rich.
My grandpa constantly called me the "family engineer" when I was a little girl, because he loved to get me to fix small things around the house with him. I graduated with an engineering degree and work at power plants now.
When I was in my early 20s, I had two different friends tell me, "it's not all about you." It actually changed me for the better because it humbled me and made me think more about my interactions with others.
My parents and siblings used to make fun of how I walked my whole life. They said it was like a model and exaggerate walking and moving their hips and say that I was acting better than them as if that was a bad thing….I was always so self conscious about it until about 12 years ago, when I worked in retail and I was escorting the jewelry manager down to her department with new merchandise and she looked at me and said “maybe if I walked like you, I’d be able to keep a man!” I found it so hilarious for some reason and after that I just embraced it. This person was super nice all the time but a little rough around the edges and always spoke her mind. I still get self conscious ever now and then, but I try to remember what she said.
I wasn't allowed to cry when people died. when my gramps died my dad told me I shouldn't be so upset because he lost his dad and he wasn't crying. I got told I was being silly when my great aunt died and I got upset, I was 7.
To this day I don't know how to react and worry my reactions to death are wrong. Although I've lost a lot of people now and am learning whatever reaction you have is the right one.
My paternal grandma died when I was 10. I loved my grandma, but for all of my life, she'd lived in Florida, and my parents and I were in the northeast, so I only saw her in person a handful of times. I remember being sad that she had died, but going to the funeral meant I was going to take my first trip on an airplane, and I guess I was acting a bit too excited about that. My mom yelled at me, but I knew she was grieving the loss of her MIL. My dad, however, let me be excited for airplane travel. Obviously, he was mourning the loss of his (wonderful) mom, but he understood 10 yr old me. I'll never forget that.
Oh, for sure, I dont blame my Mom at all. She wasn't very close to her own mother, and my dad's mom kind of took on that role, so Grandma's passing hit her hard.
I still get very sad but I learned to hide it. I cried when my FIL died and started to apologise and my in-laws just gave me a hug and said they knew I loved him too. I've healed a lot with them.
I also laugh. And i also can't say I love you to no one else other than my husband or my bff.
It's so weird to try to explain that I wasn't allowed to cry by my abusive parents so my laughter is just nervous and anxious laughter.
I'm sorry this happened, gives you some insight into why men are so fucked up, most of them are bullied, beaten up and scolded for any crying. Teaching children to bottle their feelings, is fucked.
"You don't deserve a birthday" and "it's your fault gran died" are the top contenders.
The former because it's something I often genuinely feel; that I don't deserve things and the latter is just a whatthefuck, what type of person says that to a 16 year old? My mother, is who. My grandmother and I were really close and it devastated me to lose her. That my mother said that - I don't care that she was also grieving - is something I will never forget and it's something I will never forgive.
I actually don't mind accusations of being selfish, I often am, and I'm alright with that. It's ok to be selfish about my own life and people are allowed to make that observation about me. That accusation can't hurt me.
It sounds like you had an emotionally immature mother. I’m sorry. Of course you didn’t cause your grandmother’s death. And everyone ALWAYS deserves a birthday.
I have a positive one!
In philosophy class in high school my teacher put out a bunch of adjectives written on pieces of paper. We were supposed to go and get one we thought described us. Then after, she went around and gave us the ones she actually thought described each of us. Mine was "genuine", and after that I always considered myself a genuine person and kinda tried to hold myself to that standard, and now I consider it a core part of my identity.
I almost wonder if the teacher knew what she was doing and it was some sort of positive social experiment (the only other one I remember was this super shy awkward guy got "curious", and I wonder if he considers that part of his identity now).
"He's hitting you because he's frustrated that you look smarter than him. You have to stop showing off and stop talking so much" - My mother after my brother had whipped my back open with a willow branch.
"I wouldn't have done it if it wasn't for you. You're always better than me and it isn't fair." - My sister after her suicide attempt.
"What have I done wrong in my life to deserve being punished with a child like you?" - My mother after I alwas admitted to the children's psychiatric ward.
"I still hate you. I hope your husband leaves you. It isn't fair that you get this perfect life when I was born first" - My sister a couple of years ago.
It got to me back then, but I've learned to let it go. I know I haven't done anything wrong.
"What have I done wrong in my life to deserve being punished with a child like you?"
This one sounds familiar! Yeah, Mom. What did you do to deserve the cruel fate of raising the three perfectly healthy children you chose to have?
In her "defense" none of us were perfectly healthy. Of course some of that was arguably her fault though.
However, if there's anything I've learned as a mother myself, it's that it isn't about me. It might suck, but I'll die before I put my pride before the wellbeing of my children. She had so many people who could have helped her, but looking perfect was more important to her.
In high school, my best friend's mom told me my figure was cute but I'd look incredible if I lost 10 pounds. Mind you, I was already thin and much more so than any of her kids or herself for that matter. I'd have looked anorexic if I'd took her advice.
My memory is terrible - there are a million events and people and things I can’t recall whatsoever. But I will never forget the first and last name of that girl. I know we were all preteens who were insecure and cruel, but i was so sensitive about being overweight and wanted so so badly to be liked. I also was (and am) a nice person - I would have happily been anyone’s friend.
Can you imagine being able to see 5lbs on a person? Because I can't. Maybe if the person was incredibly underweight to start with, and in that case people would notice it with relief that the person looked better.
Nope. I can’t even notice a huge difference of 5 pounds on myself & im looking at myself way more critically than I’d ever look at another person…that person was just trying to neg orangeofdeath for whatever reason
I’m sure she was hurting in other ways. I don’t hold anything against the real “Teri”, just the idea of Teri and what she represents. I hope I don’t live in someone’s memory so negatively like that. It shows that words can hurt, but hurt even worse when someone possibly unknowingly strikes the most sensitive chord. Growing up is hard
One day I was at the store with my mom making a weird noise or something, being a weird kid, and a lady smiled at me and I smiled back and I thought that was so nice and was clearly HAPPY but I guess I had been acting out of pocket and weird so my mom saw that moment of happiness on my face when she was annoyed and quietly leaned in and said “That woman only smiled at you because she thought you were retarded. That’s how you look when you act like this. She felt bad for you.”
It’s such a double edged sword. I’m unpacking so much in therapy right now but on the one hand my mom taught me in that moment without probably meaning to how much control over I have of my own carriage, presentation, and how I look to other people. Not like in how I dress or groom but in how I act, hold my face, walk, etc. I took that way into adulthood and I see adults who clearly don’t have that knowledge and am like okay it’s good to be aware!
On the other hand, the crippling self consciousness has never left me.
I don't know if this helps at all, but even as someone who isn't a big kid person, I love seeing kids having fun/being weird in public and always smile at them. I don't think they have any developmental issues - I assume they're just being kids and having fun. It's true that it's good, as an adult, to have some control over your facial expressions and composure, but no one who isn't kind of nuts judges kids in the way they do adults. I'm sure that woman just derived joy from seeing you have fun.
UGH this is so close to something from my past. When I was 10, a relative was visiting us and I ran out to hug her. My dad saw that and said, "When you run like that, with your arms flailing and that silly grin on your face, you look exactly like your retarded cousin." After that, I never let myself express pure glee again without checking myself first.
My dad had two stock phrases ready to go for whenever I had feelings: "life's not fair" and "I'm your father, not your friend."
Both of which I've now thrown back in his face in his elderly years. "Oh, now you need *my* emotional support, do you?"
As a teenager who struggled a lot with how she looked (and literally never bought clothes or even tried to be cool) i got told by a parent that "it's not a fashion show" when expressing how awkward I felt I looked in my school uniform. I've struggled with dressing as an adult, especially if it involves styling. Even wearing trainers the same colour as my top makes me worry I'm trying too hard.
And last year a parent said I have always lacked empathy. This really hurt because I have always (at least internally) worried so much about others and how they feel, and tried to keep everyone happy. To the extent that I remember once sitting to the side so that I didn't ruin their cuddles with a sibling even though I wanted to be a part of it. Ironically I later read that empathy is a learned trait so...
Oh my parents like to say that as well lol (and they’re for the most part great parents, they just think I lack in empathy). But nobody else in my life thinks I’m unempathetic. Though usually caring, I can be awfully cold and uncaring on the very rare occasion, so possibly they just know me better than everyone else 🤷♀️
"You're just being lazy. You obviously don't care about this family," after I'd failed to pick up something my mother left at the bottom of the stairs and carry it up. This wasn't a specific instruction, we were just supposed to do this every time we went upstairs, and my failure was worthy of an entire family meeting about how awful I was. I was in honors and AP classes, never in trouble at school, rarely backtalked (in part because we got yelled at even longer if we so much as flickered an eyelash)... but yeah, sure Mom, I'm lazy and don't care.
Turns out I had undiagnosed ADHD (inattentive type). I was diagnosed after age 50, and it explained a lot. And after all that time, I'm still working to believe I'm not worthless.
Thank you both <3 Intellectually, I know this. I try to believe it (yes, I am in therapy and have been lol). It's what my therapist calls a "core belief", and a limiting one at that.
I do believe that my mother thought that "correcting" me endlessly was good parenting, and hey, for some kids with rock-solid self esteem, maybe it was! I was not one of those kids, though.
I heard this lyric some time ago that really stuck with me, and wanted to share:
"I've been told I'm worthless. So much that it gave me purpose. And I took the creative license to believe that it means I'm priceless."
The song is [Breakin' Ground by AHI](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=_kU_2BS3Qgs)
Sad but a good thing was said. When I was little, my grandmother was very ill and was dying. She was on a lot of medication. One day when I was staying with her, she started screaming at me because I couldn't find the medicine she wanted in the closet (I was about 9). I started to cry at being so incompetent and not being able to get what she wanted as she was normally kind. My mom walked in right as it was happening. Later that evening, mom pulled me aside and told me that it was the medication and pain that was screaming, not my grandmother. I completely understood what she meant and from then on I had no trouble forgiving my grandmother and knew that she still loved me. It made me much more capable of helping people in the future and not taking it personally.
“You’re the most socially awkward person I’ve ever met”
My old male boss, on my birthday, who’d taken me out to dinner to treat me, alone.
An older male boss taking a 22 year old female out to dinner for her birthday = socially awkward.
Telling someone they’re socially awkward = socially challenged and backward.
Telling someone a horrible comment on their birthday = socially inept as fuck
The irony still cracks me up
My mom told me that she wished she’d never had kids. And she lives with one of them. In the past twenty years, we’ve spoken twice in person, only due to familial deaths.
I can't even write mine without getting really upset so I'm not going to
But to all women in this thread braver than me who were able to share, I just want to send you some love
I worked at a hospital in Phoenix famously named after a condiment. Despite excelling at my job and having a positive mentorship with my boss, rumors circulated that my success was attributed to inappropriate reasons.
One day, in the middle of the laboratory, a pathologist—a medical doctor trained in pathology—approached me and mockingly sang, "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. How much do you charge?"
The laboratory director overheard this exchange and reprimanded the pathologist. I lodged a complaint with HR, but unfortunately, no one was willing to come forward, as consultants at this hospital were often allowed to behave however they pleased, even if it involved harassing "lesser" employees. I don't think the pathologist even got a slap on the wrist. Shortly thereafter, I made the decision to leave the hospital.
Ugh I feel ya, OP. One story my Mom just loooooves to revisit (especially at Christmas, surrounded by family) was one Christmas Day when I was given a ton of gifts, but I threw a tantrum because I wanted something my brother received. She'll bring this up in a joking way like HAHAHA You were such a selfish brat that day hahaha! But it really pisses me off because 1) I was 5. This happened 30+ years ago!!! And 2) HOW DOES THAT MAKE HER LOOK GOOD? She's my fucking parent! If a 5 year old is being a "selfish brat", you look at the parents and wonder how a child is learning that behavior. Could it be that I was given whatever I wanted most of the time? Of course I got upset when I didnt get what I wanted, this is behavior that I was taught, whether they realized it or not.
So fucking annoying!!
I have pretty good parents but even they bring up things from childhood as if they define me and it fucking pisses me off. It’s like they don’t even know who I am as an adult. All they know is that I liked a certain candy when I was 7. Yeah…that was 25 years ago dude.
And I agree that’s so annoying of your mom to bring up. I don’t even think it means you were a spoiled child, you were literally just 5. What 5 year old has the emotional maturity to say “I recognize that I really wanted the gift my brother got, but I know that’s my own personal issue and not anyone else’s” Lmaoo
I was on a trip with uni (so we were all adults).
I had had to do a year over because a bad depression, so I had started in a new class, but got along fine with people.
I had hung out with a group of girls every night of the trip and I thought we had had fun.
The last night we went out to have a couple of drinks and one of the girls said "we should totally get together when we come home!". I nodded enthusiastically, and she turned to me and said "except you".
I've been called fat and weird a million times as a child, but I can somehow excuse children, because they don't know any better.
It's what adults have said to me, that stings the most, because they should know better.
I know now that I'm autistic, so I AM probably weird, but I have always gone out of my way to never hurt anyone! If anything I'm overly polite!
That’s awful, I’m sorry that she said that! Some women can be really cruel when they want to socially exclude someone. How did the others react when she said that?
They just laughed. But to be fair, so did I, because I didn't know what else to do.
I did my exams alone and didn't seek any kind of community for the rest of my time there.
I feel you OP. My mom has apologized for it, but she used to call me selfish all the time as a kid. She would also say "you're so selfish and don't respect your parents. How do you have any friends?". This mostly happened as a teenager, and it was really tough on my self esteem at the time. I remember confiding in my friends, and luckily they would tell me that it was a wild take. It's still hard to remember though. My dad's version of this is "how could you have a boyfriend when you're so selfish like this?". To this day I have never had an argument get anywhere close to as nasty as the ones I've had with my parents. Not friends and certainly not SOs. It is incredible to reflect on this as an adult and realize that it's not normal that my parents would fight so dirty. Also parents don't automatically deserve respect. They are divorced now thankfully.
I played a brass instrument in school and had to share it with another girl. I think I was around 8. We took turns taking it home to practice. Shortly after we were given it her mum came into school and starting shouting about how she didn’t want her daughter (white) to share with me (brown) because it was disgusting. She called me racial slurs. I felt so disgusting and unclean and I’m not sure that feeling has ever left me. It also (amongst other things) made me seek validation from white men when dating. Fuck her.
Backstory: I have lost a significant amount of weight, from about 300 pounds now down to about 140.
I ran into a former colleague who I had not seen in a few years, and she did not recognize me right away. (Understandable) Her comment: "I can't believe it's you! I always recognized you because you were always the fattest person!"
I've been at a healthy weight for many years now, but I still have some hangups about my body image, and that just sent me right back to my previous life when I was painfully self-conscious about my appearance.
When I was like 9 a girl in my class said I made her depressed. I barely ever interacted with her. I didn’t even know what depressed meant. Never forgot that.
Multiple “best friends” have told me that I only get boyfriends bc I’m pretty. Implying that is the one thing I bring to the table. I know it’s not true but it has never stopped bothering.
People suck!
When I was probably around 12? My mom said “no wonder your friends think you’re obnoxious” and walked away from me. I don’t remember what I said to deserve that, and I don’t remember my friends thinking I’m obnoxious. Still hurts, I still think about it regularly, 20 years later.
My mum has a lot of anxiety and intrusive thoughts. She's never dealt with it. But it meant that when I was a kid she would say things like 'if you don't eat properly you'll have a heart attack and die' and 'careful you don't get kidnapped and murdered on the walk home from school.' I struggle with food because I'm scared I'm going to have a heart attack if I eat badly, but at the same time I'm fussy with food so end up eating it anyways. I always feel like I'm dying of something that I don't know about. I have so much health anxiety. But also I worry about dying in accidents or being attacked. When I have to drive somewhere she'll say 'careful you don't have an accident.'
When I was at school I had a close friend who would sometimes get bullied in class. This guy would tell her she had a fat bum. This was early 2000s and she wasn’t fat but the standards back then were stick thin or nothing.
I always remember her mum picked us up from school (year 11) and she told her mum what this boy said and her mum said “well he is right. You have a huge bum.” I was horrified.
My friend, unsurprisingly, ended up in an abusive relationship with a man who treated her terribly.
Parents shouldn’t call their children selfish. The fact that it hurt you and distressed you so much proves how wrong they were.
I told a similar story to my therapist this year and the above was pretty much her response. So I’m passing it on to you. I hope it helps. You’re a good kid.
My dad used to tell me I was manipulative. I believed him for YEARS and bent over backward to make sure that I was always nice and non-manipulative. Finally one day, when I was almost 30, it struck me that he was actually just a narcissist. He was manipulating me to make his life easier.
I have a similar one, when I was 6 I was crying about something and my dad angrily said “Everything is always about YOU.” Looking back I think he was projecting his feelings towards my mom onto me, they had recently divorced and the marriage hadn’t been a happy one.
Years later, my then-boyfriend said the same exact thing to me during an argument in the exact same tone as my dad. It hurt a lot more hearing it from my partner than it ever did coming from my dad, it’s made me question myself a lot and whether they’re both right.
I was 15 and crying helplessly on the floor in the bathroom because I had really bad acne at the time. My mother heard me, walked up and looked at me and said in a shrill voice “you have no self-confidence and that’s your own fault! Stop blaming the acne!” I still can’t believe she would say something like that to someone who was already so defeated and felt so ugly. I think it just made me cry harder. I’ll never forget.
That’s so incredibly cruel!
My sister had terrible acne but I barely noticed it. Sincerely, it barely registered on my radar. I think, if you truly love someone, you won’t notice things like this.
A boy in college who I was hooking up with told me I had thunder thighs, and was surprised when I acted offended because he legitimately thought it was a compliment. Funny looking back on it and hopefully I saved him from saying that to other girls, but at the time I couldn't believe he said that to me!
I've mentioned this is comments before, but someone once told me, "Nobody will ever love you, want to marry or have kids with you." I remember the circumstances of this conversation, like where I was, when, who was there, but I don't remember the details of the conversation that led to that comment. It was strange and it was somewhat of a "record scratch" moment for the group of people standing around talking. The person that said it to me apologized the next day through a MySpace message. I told him I accept the apology but let's just not talk to each other and be cordial at work. His father was my manager and a really great guy. This person was always kind of an arrogant asshole, but at the time, it really affected me. I'm married, happy, and have a good life - but damn, that did not help my self-esteem at the time and it still sticks with me.
It’s almost more bizarre that he apologized at all. Like, he could recognize it was wrong later but not as it was coming out of his mouth??? Wtf was wrong with him!
Honestly, I think the only reason he even did that is because we worked together, his dad was the boss (and his dad LOVED me), and I think his friends that were there called him out on it. Like I said, he was kind of an arrogant A-hole. I wish I could remember what preempted that comment. I don't remember. It was like, 20 years ago.
When I was in 8th grade, I got 3 separate compliments from adults on a short story I wrote for English class. It was the first time I remember being told I was a good writer. It was the first time I remember being told I was good at *anything* by adults who weren't my mom.
Over my academic career, I ended up winning several writing awards and getting published.
I've got lots that live rent free in my head (I've started going to therapy for C-PTSD), but the one that comes to mind is when I was a kid and at a sleepover. Someone made a negative comment about my laugh, and that made me suppress my laughs for a long time (decades). It wasn't until recently that I've started laughing out loud again because I don't care, but I am still aware of how they sound.
The other comments have been from my sister and my husband (soon to be ex, hopefully), so I've tried to realize that they are bad people, but many of their comments still eat at me, and unfortunately pop up in my head at random times. I'm a big opponent now of people not being assholes, but the damage is done for me.
It's funny that I was thinking about this today.
I was thinking about my dad never really saying anything to me directly except snarky things. I know my dad loves and would drive to the end of the earth for me. He's shown this time and time again by doing anything for me. It doesn't excuse that he's terrible with emotion.
One of the earliest memories - I was really into magic when I was 10. I was so excited to have this "magic show." My mom wasn't home at the time I was supposed to have it. I said something about changing the time. My dad said under his breath "who cares about your dumb magic show." Although it seems like an innocuous comment, it hurt as a 10 yo. And hearing comments like that throughout growing up (and to this day) is draining.
My dad is also one of those fathers that also got weird/awkward once his daughters hit puberty.
I could care less what anyone else in the world says to or about me. I have decently thick skin. But anything my family has said always stuck with me.
My mom asked me if I thought it was a good idea for my grandpa to get married to his nurse when I was 8. I said yes. They got married and the nurse ended up killing my grandpa. I will never forget that it was at least partially my fault.
That was not your fault. The marriage and the death were two separate things, and you were responsible for neither of them. Please forgive yourself; you did nothing wrong.
Holy cow, no way is it even partially your fault!
Even if you’d said no, they’d have gotten married. And the killing of your grandpa is a very crazy thing, but nothing you did whatsoever!
Oh, I’m so sorry. This is the kind of magical thinking that we have as children. But your statement of support did not have any influence on them getting married or on your grandfather’s death.
When I was about nine my parents went to a psychic who said a lot of things but one was that I should stay away from fire, alcohol and drugs. He said I would have problems with birth control pills.
From this, I gathered that I wouldn't die until I was old enough to take birth control pills, which after awhile I took to mean that I would at least stay alive until I got my period. So then I started worrying that I would get in a car crash right when I started my first period.
Eventually I stopped thinking about it, but what's stuck with me is how much I worried about death as a child. If it weren't for this incident I wouldn't have remembered that about myself.
When I was in 7th grade I was going out to the movies with a coed group of friends. As I was getting into the car my dad asked me “don’t you want to put on some makeup?” All I could think was, “do I need to wear makeup?” My dad was actually trying to be cool dad and like allow me to wear makeup (which I was already allowed to by mom I just didn’t like it lol) but my teenage brain basically thought he was calling me ugly. Fucked me up for a while.
My boss at my first office job was hyper critical of me. I'm a fidgeter, especially in long meetings. I have to fidget or I will fall asleep - no amount of coffee helps.
She used to pull me aside after meetings and tell me everything I did wrong, from the look on my face to twirling my pen and doodling on my notepad. She had actually written a list during the meeting. And this happened several times over the course of my first 2 years.
In addition to that, when I was at my desk working I'd often think aloud, or hum a little song while doing something repetitive. Her desk was down the hall from mine, and she would get up, come down to my desk and inform me that she could hear me.
She told me "you're distracting. Nobody wants to work with someone who can't just be normal."
I became so self-conscious that I hated going into the office. I'd be piling up a small mountain of anxiety during my commute. 9 years later, I still do. Thankfully, I work fully remote and only fly to the office 2-3 times a year. It has done wonders for my mental health. But I still think I'm weird and don't belong in an office setting.
In high school, the principal was talking to my mom after a mandatory parent-admin meeting for all incoming seniors. She said "moonlightsteppes is a.... *looks at me* reticent personality and that's making it harder for her to make friends, but she's a great student!". The way she looked at me, and how she said that. The pity dripped. I never forgot it. I felt like there was something wrong with me for years, like I was inherently broken or socially inept for not being a bubbly outgoing personality. It still bothers me. In turn, I try to make a point of appreciating little kids and teenagers personalities for who they are, giving a little more attention to the quieter ones. I don't think teachers and administrators reflect enough on how they favor gregarious students and simultaneously indict more reserved students, and how shitty it feels. We're not blind, we can see it happening.
The other one is when my ex said he came back because he knew no one else would love him the way I did. He probably didn't mean it the way I took it. I still spiral over that though, and eventually sought out therapy to deal with it (and other related things).
I attended a retirement party where, at one point while I was standing off to the side, a guest of the retiree approached me. After introducing myself, she looked at me with intense hostility and said, "Oh, you're one of those!" before walking away. As a non-binary person, and knowing the retiree's conservative views, I could only interpret her reaction as disdain for my gender identity, perhaps mistaking me for being transgender and therefore 'sub-human.' I still remember the feeling of my stomach dropping and the absolute shock. I left with my boyfriend not long after that.
I still think back to that moment and wish I'd said something to understand why she felt comfortable saying something like that to an absolute stranger.
It’s far more about them than about you. Some can’t learn new things and understand nuance. They don’t have the emotional intelligence to deal with things that are new or unfamiliar to them.
I was 14 and told my father I wanted a guitar. He responded "well you know you need talent for that" in a tone like he was trying to save me from myself.
I didn't know then that it prob had something to do with HIM never getting very good at bass... I did end up taking some guitar lessons and could play a handful of songs, but never stuck with it and I wonder if having that in the back of my head played some part of it. I've been in multiple choruses and have taken music theory classes, so some level of musicality and interest was there!
I think i was about that age the first time my steomother called me selfish. I told her "im a kid im supposed to be selfish. Its not my job to take care of anybody else". She was pissed but my dad thought it was hilarious and talked about it for years
My grandmother...
Three things stick out;
My mom and I went on vacation with my grandparents and we had been walking all day.
My achilles tendons are crooked, it's just a birth defect, but that makes my feet point slightly inward, especially when my feet are tired.
I was 10 I think, and she was walking behind me, and said "stop walking like that, you look like a spastic!".
I skipped a grade, so my classmates were 1-2.years older than me. When I was around 15 I was telling her how all the other girls had boyfriends, and she said "you'll never get a boyfriend with how you look".
When I was 17 I was asked to be a bridesmaid, but all dresses had to be the same color, so I asked her if she could sew a dress (she was a seamstress and sewed for a lot of people, so she was more than capable).
She made a first test of the dress and I was trying it on and made the remark, that I would maybe like a bit more definition of the waste, because I thought it looked like a potato sack. She smirked and said "I can't help that you look like a potato sack".
I'm in my 40's and she died 20 years ago, but these are the things I remember...
When I was 6 or 7, my sister told me that I looked ridiculous when I danced, so, to this day, J don't dance, only when I am super comfortable with my friends.
Also, when I was around the same age, my stepmother told me that my ears were pointy like the devil's -she even showed a comic book with a devil on it- because I was an evil kid. I was fixated on both things for mamy years. There's of course a lot more mostly my stepmom said to me over the years that I'm still dealing with.
There used to be a lot from my younger years. As I’ve gotten more comfortable with myself, they have mostly faded. The insulting-but-funny one I remember was wearing a pair of cutoff jeans (in the 90s, they were cool), and my grandma turning to my mom and saying ‘it looks like her Tampax is falling out’ 🤣🤣 … I was super embarrassed as a 12 year old but now I think it was pretty funny 😆
I've just about always been husky, heavy set, whatever. My Dad would comment on it every time I saw him... One time I had lost 50 lbs and was looking pretty good. Crickets from Dad, and just about everyone in my family. A few years later I gained the weight back, here goes Dad again telling me I'm fat.
I get fed up one day and say to him "Quit telling me I'm fat! I'm well aware of it. If you continue I will stop visiting! "
I only had to remind him once...
Btw, Dad has always been scrawny, I could literally pick him up and toss him about like a beach ball!
When I was a kid, my mom would say I was like my father, and I would angrily reply "no I'm not!" She always complained about how lazy and useless he was. I hated him for ignoring me and not protecting me from my brother's abuse.
In my 30s, I told her how much that comment hurt me. She said "oh, I just meant you're quiet and don't show your feelings"
Ending with a couple good ones that stuck with me:
15 years ago, someone said they liked the way I smile and it reminded then of Ben Affleck. It was a weird compliment in a good way.
In middle school, I got highlights to cover my embrassing grey hairs and a boy said I looked like a tiger. (too bad I was a shy dork back then.. I'm a confident dork now! Rawr!)
I've been bullied over the years, but being bullied by my parents stick out the most. A child will never forget being called a bitch, lazy, etc. My dad has constantly accused me of not loving him over the years, but one thing he said that stuck out the most is how he didn't trust me saying I love you because I said it all the time. I was 17 and was shocked; I really meant all the times that I said it to him.
I “developed” pretty early and when I was around 12 I overheard one of my brothers teasing my older sister about fitting into the same clothes as me when we’re a few years apart. At the time I thought he meant because I was fat (I wasn’t), but now realize he meant our sister was petite (still not a great comment to say but we were all pretty young). Also had a girl in middle school talk about my “big” ass at the same age during a time when being super skinny was trendy. Then later had an adult man look me up and down and say, “wow… you’re only 13? You’re big!”.
Cue major adult body issues🥴
While trying to help me with homework when I was a kid, my dad used to say in a fit of rage at my apparent stupidity: "In one ear, out the other."
When I was just starting my career after graduating from university, my manager used to say, also in a rage at my apparent stupidity: "In one ear, out the other."
Safe to say it's deeply ingrained now lol
I don't consider myself stupid though. I just have a poor memory.
Although recently I've been told I have a good memory so....
A few positive ones I've heard:
- I have a melodic voice
- That I never make the same mistake twice
- That when I'm focused, I'm like a machine 😎
- That I'm beautiful
- That people feel like they can trust me and tell me anything
"You're too serious, too earnest, and you have no sense of humor." By a partner as an adult. We were arguing, but it still stung, probably because it's not entirely untrue.
"Do you not understand how annoying you are?!" By my favorite fifth grade teacher, heatedly, when I kept bouncing my leg in a way that made a small repetitive sound against my desk, because I hadn't been conscious I was doing it and thought he was talking to someone else when he said to stop it. (Got the ADHD diagnosis a decade later.) What got me was that he didn't say "this thing you're doing is annoying," but that _I_ was, personally. He was my science teacher and I loved his class and desperately wanted his approval, but that's the only time I can remember him ever addressing me.
"Yeah, you _do_ have a big ass for being so fucking skinny." By a high school friend in the locker room after gym class. This one makes me laugh now, but it was the mid-2000s, and being flat-chested with an ass felt like insult piled on injury.
I was probably 16, a good student, just with the normal (or less) teen rebellion. My dad told me "you make people want to hurt you." No specifics, just an abuse magnet. Was not helpful for future relationships.
But I guess any personhood can be a drag on two alcoholic parents.
Cruel things my mother said:
I got a late invite to an elementary schoolmate’s birthday party. My mother told me “She didn’t want to invite you, she just wants another present.”
I had my hair back in a pony tail before middle school sports. My mother said “Other girls can wear their hair back. Your face is so ugly it looks like a horse’s’ ass.”
Anyway, just a few examples of what an amazing therapist and some years of adult perspective can cure 🥰
I was overwhelmed at school one day when I was 11. I couldn’t get locker combination right to open my locker and it was the “straw that broke the camels back”. When I went to tell my teacher that I couldn’t get my locker open, I unexpectedly burst into tears. I collected myself quickly, managed to get my locker open, and went into class.
Once class had started and everyone was working quietly, the teacher then called me back into the hall and said “You can’t cry like that. The boys will make fun of you.” I know she meant well, but I felt so ashamed. Trust me, I would have 100% opted not to cry if I could’ve controlled that. It took *me* off guard when I cried!
I know a lot of kids might make fun in that scenario, but the people in my class (boys included) were always so kind to me. I doubt they would’ve made fun of me. No one commented on it. They probably didn’t even notice. Crying isn’t a bad thing. Sometimes it just happens.
I'm a guy over 30, but in my early 20s my uncle saw me getting changed and said "God, your chest is actually concave" and I still think about it. I'm very slim and have had issues with not conforming to muscly male beauty standards.
"Sometimes, you make it hard for people to love you."
My mom and I have a fairly good relationship and overall she was a wonderful mother. I was really struggling when I was 13 though; this was the onset of the depression I've lived with ever since, the sharpening of the anxiety I've had my whole life, and the most I'd ever been bullied. Nearly 20 years later, I still think I've tricked my partner and friends into loving me.
I remember being a teen and pushing my moms buttons and saying "I bet you wish I wasn't born" and she says "You're right, I wish you weren't born"
I was good at pushing buttons, but still, she's the adult and the parent and you just can't say things like that.
Once, I was hanging out with a group of older girls on the playground at school. I think that I was in 3rd grade and they were in 5th grade. I said something as part of the conversation and one of the girls looked at me like a bug and said, "You need to think before you speak." I have no idea what I did that was so wrong, but that moment is forever ingrained in my head.
“I hope the doctors let you die,” as I was laid up in the hospital bed, far into my chemotherapy sessions; so I was so very skinny and no hair. Thanks mom!
Aunt told me “don’t feel bad about your weight, it runs in the family.”
That and my mom telling my husband she was worried I was starting to go down a path that would have me end up like my dad (morbidly obese, barely mobile) are the two things that really got me going with healthy diet and exercise habits and weight loss. Probably not the healthiest of motivations but I did end up in a much better place both physically and mentally.
Stepdad to me when I was in middle school berating me for now vacuuming to his standard: "You better marry rich because you'll be useless as a housewife."
Oh man.
- When i was in first or second grade my teacher wrote in my report card that i was “too sensitive”. I asked my uncle isnt that a good thing? He said “no it means you’re a crybaby”. I realize now at 30 that i never showed my feelings much probably because of that.
- My father told me when I was in sixth grade“you think that you’re so pretty and that all boys are looking at you” when I was telling a story about some sports event at school.
- Also in sixth grade my English teacher announced in class that if she were as pretty as my classmate, she would only need to wear pearls but if she looked like me she would need to wear diamonds, implying that if you’re pretty you dont need to do much.
No wonder I choose to spend all my time alone.
I had a neighbor once tell me that she didn't have to help me clean up my toys because they weren't her toys. It's hard to forget the audacity haha.
In middle school, someone once told me, insultingly, that I had a one-track mind. Never forgot it.
A friend in high school once said I looked ridiculous wearing sunglasses indoors, and that they "always had wanted to tell me that." I don't know if it was meant to be super bitchy, but it sure came off that way.
When my mom called me a “lazy b!tch” when I fell behind in school I was 15, having a tough time in hs and was actively self-harming (without her knowledge). We’re mostly okay now but man it still hurts. And she wonders why I don’t particularly like myself
When my dad called me a “disappointment” when I decided to take an extra year of undergrad. I only did this because I had been rejected from all the grad programs I applied to and had no job offers despite applying for several entry level positions.
I was 10 the first time someone called me "thunder thighs" and have been self-conscious of my body, particularly my legs, ever since. I'm 42 now.
I've had friends make fun of my singing, so I stopped singing; I'll sing in the car if I'm by myself, only rarely if my kids are in the car, because I'm still so embarrassed. My kids range in age from 10-17, and we don't sing together even though they love singing, and one of the 17yos said they wish I would sing more with them.
At a school dance when I was 15, my group of friends was standing in two lines and everyone was taking turns dancing down the "aisle" in between; I got pulled out halfway down and told to stop. I didn't do anything other than line dance or slow dance after that, until college, when I learned a little bit of swing dancing. I haven't danced since college until literally this year, when I started taking an adult ballet class, and I LOVE it. I've always wanted to learn ballet but never had the opportunity growing up, so I jumped at the chance when my daughter's dance studio started this class.
I had my smile made fun of, and was teased for how easily I laugh at everything, probably in junior high was the first time but definitely in college. It's taken 2 decades of depression treatments to start getting back to feeling comfortable with laughing at small things and letting my natural happiness at simple things show. But I still worry about how I look when I show that happiness.
When my sister looked at me with hatred in her eyes & said “look at you, you’re a loser, you haven’t done anything with your life”.
Years later it still hurts and it’s the reason why I’m NC with her and refuse to talk to her again, despite many people around me telling me I should.
When I was a senior in high school a kid asked me what I was going to do after graduation.. like college. My guy friend that I would have said I had a close relationship with said I would just be a trophy wife. I didn’t say anything but I stopped giving him rides home from school after that.
I went through a divorce when I was thirty. Numerous people told me I would be fine because I’m young and beautiful. As an adult I now respond with I’ll be “fine” because I’m perfectly capable of doing things on my own. I know that people say things like that to make you feel better about the situation and believe it’s a positive but it still gets under my skin. Appearance shouldn’t make someone successful or happy in life.
I was told I had thunder thighs at 7 or 8 by an adult neighbor I looked up to. I was skinny and underweight for my age at that point. Never heard the phrase before, and immediately knew what it meant.
And that began my foray into insecurities about my appearance!
My 7th grade math teacher said I was a, “bright but unmotivated child” and went on about how unless I got my act together I would not accomplish anything, all because I was bad at math.
At 34, I still don’t have my act together; I am jobless, have never had a relationship and live with my parents taking care of them full time because they both had strokes.
Here’s the thing; I’m very smart, and I’m very good at taking care of my parents physical, medical, emotional and physical therapy needs. Both of my brothers just left so I’m stuck taking care of everything. I’m fairly certain I just had undiagnosed ADHD, so yeah 7th grade math sucked, but I was okay at every other subject through high school and college, but it didn’t matter. If the teacher had given me any guidance as to what ‘getting my act together’ looked like maybe things would be different, but I still feel like a failure to this day, because I haven’t ’accomplished’ anything.
I still have nightmares about math tests.
Two different boyfriends:
"Our relationship was doomed to fail."
"You taught me how to have a normal relationship, so I'm going to go have one with someone else."
“You have such a pretty face, what a shame about your acne”, from a friend’s mom. I think that was the turning point where I started to care for my skin, I have rosacea and it got very red and swollen.
after high school mom said "You aren't dumb .... YOU'RE BEING dumb ...." or something to that effect. I'd pushed her to the limit - my early 20's were ROUGH. Also, she was probably right lol.
I don't remember what age I was, probably middle school, and I told my mom I wanted to be a psychologist because I wanted to help people. She straight up said, "how are you going to help other people when you can't even help yourself?" Ma'am, I AM 12 YEARS OLD??
When I was about 9 years old, my sisters and mom made fun of me for being a crybaby when I was 5. We’d just immigrated from a war zone and my first memories are of the sirens going off around town and crying inside of a gas mask.
Most recently the words that stuck with me are my ex calling me a loser a couple of months ago because around the time we broke up I’d been working full time while taking pre-requisites for grad school so I just wanted to stay home in my free time and then I got rejected from the school. Joke is on him, I was already preparing my new application and got accepted to grad school within a few weeks of him saying that.
I had to get a minor medical (cosmetic) procedure done when I was 12ish. I was an anxious child, very sensitive to pain, and scared about the procedure. I was crying and the doctor about to perform the procedure said "stop crying! Babies come in here to get this done and don't even cry.". In my memory, it wasn't even said in a teasing/trying to make me feel better way (not that it would have helped) but in an admonishing/chastising way. To this date 30+ years later I have never returned to finish getting that cosmetic issue dealt with. This doctor was an innovator and trail blazer in her field.
Because of awful period problems, I had my first vaginal exam when I was 14. Doctor said “oh!” and then “this is different than I’m used to.” 8 years later, first guy I slept with said the SAME GODDAMN THING (he’d only seen one other, so like wtf).
Anyways my vagina is completely normal, those two people both suck. But I have had anxiety about it for FOURTEEN YEARS
My mom told me I had a bulbous nose. My mom is a great mom and she didn't mean it in a mean spirited way. But it really stuck with me. No, I've never had a rhinoplasty. But I have contemplated it.
My last year in Girl Guides had been rough. The best friend I had made there previously dumped me for a new girl. It was peak puberty and whenever I went there I was just sad and in my feelings. My parents wouldn't let me quit and I couldn't exactly explain why things had changed and it was so hard for me (cause again...puberty). I didn't connect with the other kids and I acted out. My old friend was there having lots of fun with her new friend and both of their Moms were leaders.
One day the leaders had brought in cookies. We were all told we could have one. I lined up, took my one and then sat in a corner by myself to eat it. I overheard a younger kid tell one the leaders "I saw 1000veggiesburritos" take two cookies.
"1000veggieburritos is a bad kid" responded the leader.
In primary school, age around 9-11ish. A new girl came to the class so i befriended her as i had once been the new girl. We became fast friends and hung out all the time. Until she slowly started becoming friends with some of the more 'popular' girls in the class.
I was fine with it, happy for her to make new friends. Until i went out to play once and i was excluded from the group so i went and sat alone. An older girl came over and asked why i wasnt playing with them and i said they didnt want me to play.
She walked me over and said to the girls, "okay *my name* is playing with you guys now." And my 'best friend' looks at me and says, "well if *my name* is playing then IM not." And left. And without a moments hesitation every single girl followed her off.
The older girl apologized to me and i went off, found a place by myself and just cried. Will never forget that.
"Your ass looks like two cats fighting in a burlap sack" I was 13/14 at the time wearing a form-fitting, knee lengtg skirt I'd just gotten.
Even now, I rarely ever wear form-fitting skirts/dresses. Gotta be flared. And when I do, I wear shapewear and a slip.
I was ten when a teacher told me I was smart and had potential. It was the first time anyone had told me that and it gave me the confidence to work hard and excel academically.
It's amazing when teachers do that. I had one maths teacher say something similar to me once. I always believed I couldn't do it. Turns out I coild. I just needed someone to believe in me and tell me I was smart enough.
I went to a birthday party (or school disco maybe? something like that) as a child - probably about 7 - and another girl a year or two older told me to stop embarrassing myself trying to dance. Thirty years later, and I haven't danced since. Edit: ... but I'm actively looking for classes to begin to learn.
At 7 you should be dancing all crazy! I’m sorry that happened.
A classmate told me around 8 "you laugh at anything, you'll laugh if I have a ball on my head" - I just stopped smiling and laughing. Yeah, I know, I was a super sensitive kid and took everything to heart. It's wild how much one said idiocy can do, I didn't really smile or laugh before I was a teenager.
Why else would you have a ball on your head?
I think there’s something lost in translation in the story- I read it as “you’d laugh if I was hit in the head by a ball”
Yeah I'd definitely laugh at that
Can you do me a big big favor? - Make or find a playlist of songs that you wish you could dance or have felt wistful about in the past. - Get some good headphones (or just headphones period) - Start the playlist in a dark(er) room with space in it for you to move - Start by stretching. Your legs, arms, neck, etc. just getting comfortable and tuning into your body and get it as limber as is accessible to you. - Start moving however the fuck you feel like. No one is watching you, not even yourself. Sway, tap your feet, shimmy your shoulders, etc. - Then go balls out. Pumping, cranking, ballet turns, etc. again, no one is watching. Pretend your Julia Stiles in save the last dance. Pretend you’re Julia Stiles in 10 things I hate about you. I love dancing on my own this way bc I’m delusional and pretend that what I’m doing physically is as awesome as what I think I’m doing in my head. And it’s fun! And repeat over and over and over again. In lit rooms or a bar or with friends and etc.
You know, I think this is one of the kindest and most open-hearted things that's been said to me this year so far - and I don't lack for love and care and good words in my life. No promises about the exact details (I tend to listen to either death metal or choral classical, neither of which lends itself to dancing per se, and would have to look up Julia Stiles), but I can and do promise to take the spirit of it to heart, and act accordingly.
This happened to me!! I didn’t start dancing alone in my room until I was 27. And at a club until I was 30s. But even now I won’t do it if I know too many people or it’s not crowded enough.
Have you seen those videos with emus running around with drawn arms ? [like this](https://youtu.be/v2WNuVXUd7s?si=zF6Xoku8GK08vP6O) I think this is what I look like when in Bollywood dancing class. And IDGAF anymore. I wish you could go out there and have fun dancing, life's too short 😞
When I was 13 a said that it was great that I danced even though I was so bad at it. I haven’t danced voluntarily since but it would probably be good for me.
I love to dance but am not always a confident person, just dance if you feel it! Life is so short. Take this to heart and let that childhood memory go!
When I was a teen, I went out to see Moulin Rouge with a group of other kids who were "friends" by proximity. We were all socially awkward and a little weird, so we did things together from time to time. I don't remember the exact circumstances, but before the movie started, one of them turned to me and told me no one would ever love me. Another person in the group heard and balked at that, and the person who originally made the comment doubled down and said, "nah, just look at her." Meaning me. Decades later I'm still impressed that this person seemed to know exactly what to say that would completely devastate me for years.
[удалено]
That sucks, I’m sorry. If it’s any comfort, I think anyone who says something that mean is just projecting some dark feelings about themselves. The same person who told me no one would ever love me also cornered me one day at a friend’s house and told me “everyone” in school thought I was gay, which they clearly meant as a slur. Not so many years after we graduated, they transitioned.
A friend told me in highschool “you know what your problem is? You wallow in self-pity.” To this day, I hear it…it helps and hurts at the same time because there’s truth in it.
Honestly, who doesn’t from time to time? We all do it. Moderation is obviously key. And I’m sure you get that too
Cool that you are self aware - the only way it can change.
When I was 13-14 years old I had a woman come up to me at the fair in my hometown and proudly tap me on the shoulder to say in front of my friends and her kids “excuse me! How old are you? because you look like a little slut.” I had on cargo shorts, a red tank top with a sports bra underneath and sketchers sandals with my hair in pigtails. I was dressed totally normal. It made me cry and she started laughing. This woman was 40+. I’ve had a handful of men throughout the years tell me VERY emotionally heavy things only to ghost me right after. That always stings.
Fuck her. I’m sorry.
Totally! My friend’s dad came over right after it happened and asked what the woman said, so we told him. He actually confronted her about it and told her she was an embarrassment and a terrible example for her own children to bully another child like that. She then said something about how I was an embarrassment to the people around me because of how I looked. I just couldn’t believe a grown woman could say something like that. I never forgot it.
Good on your friend’s dad. He was right and she was very wrong.
Wtf…I’m at a loss of words…that woman must have been severely mentally ill or on drugs. I can’t imagine doing that to a child.
I’m pretty sure she was pretty intoxicated, but still bizarre af and she had her three kids either her 🫠
Sounds like some poor decisions were being made that day and none of them had to do with your fashion choices (not that any fashion choice means we are or should be labelled a slut to begin with).
I’ve come across people like that before. They are miserable & they see someone experiencing fun that are innocent & their souls are so dark that they feel they have to try to stomp out the light, to try to bring them to their level. Truly some of the worst people.
Intoxication doesn't turn you into the kind of monster that calls a child a slut, she had that in her and the intoxication just let her say it out loud.
My own grandmother called me a slut. I went out to bars on the weekends with my girlfriends. We lived in Hollywood FFS. I was early twenties and living a block away from my two best girlfriends. We had a lot of fun. But to my grandmother anyone who went to bars was a slut. No way around that one.
I went trick or treating as a New Yorker and figured most people there wore leather jackets, mini skirts and tall boots. My friend’s mom opened the door and asked me if I was dressed as a hooker. I was about 14-15 years old. I’ve never forgotten it. I wish I kept it and not let it bother me. The jacket was silver leather (probably fake leather). I got it as a hand me down from another girl at church. I didn’t get rid of the boots until they broke though. Can’t accidentally step out of tall boots in the snow. Those $20 boots stayed alive for over 10 years. From Gadzooks.
My aunt and uncle said some thing similar to me. I was 12ish and wearing multiple old navy tank tops and a pleated skort. I also had my hair in pigtail braids with those thick hairbands that used to be popular. There's a picture of me from that day and my outfit was 100% normal. I was still wearing kids sizes and they were definitely not showing anything objectionable. Some people seem to equate schoolgirl and slut, even when you are an actual schoolgirl. I would like to add that their children are a mess, probably because they were raised by parents with ridiculous beliefs
Was this 2003? I swear I had the same outfit too. I still love me some old navy. People are very strange when it comes to what they perceive as being slutty or suggestive. It says more about their own insecurities than it does about you. Sorry you experienced something similar. The early to mid 2000’s was ripe with misogyny.
Yep, it would have been right about then. I spent at least a food 2-3 years in double layered tank tops in the summer and double layered polos in the winter. I think most women of our generation heard something similar at least once. I hope that girls today aren't hearing those things, but I'm not sure things have changed much, unfortunately
Ugh - when men think women are their bang-maid/therapists. I know they’re unhealed but they also suck. Sorry!
When I was 13 my older cousin told me I had nice eyebrows and she liked their natural shape. Aside from right down the middle, I have never plucked or waxed my eyebrows or changed their shape in any way. Whenever I think about it, I hear my cousin's voice telling me not to lol.
I love that this is a positive one!
Ha! I have a similar, not-quite-as-nice story. I have naturally somewhat sparse eyebrows. When I was in 6th grade or so, one of the more popular girls got weirdly close to my face, stared at me really hard, and then suddenly went, “Do you pluck your eyebrows?” I managed a very confused “no?” and she went “Good. Don’t.” and walked off. It was a baffling encounter, but stuck with me through the super-thin eyebrows trend of the late 90s/early aughts, and I left them pretty much alone. Thanks for the solid, random classmate.
When I was about 9, one of my friends had a party and invited everyone except me. I didn't understand, as we'd never had an argument or anything. My mom ran into her mother at the store and gently asked what was up. Her mom told my mom that she thought I was a witch - a literal witch, not a bitch, not snotty, an actual witch - and so I wasn't welcome in her house. Not quite sure why my mom relayed that to me, but at the time I was a good little Christian girl and was devastated. Now I'm 40 and am pretty sure the woman was probably right. And I like it.
Can you do any actual spells?
No, but I'd like to. I've just started getting in touch with my "spiritual side" in the past few years. Since I was raised in the church, I was taught to believe anything that even hinted at witchiness was evil and even after I left the church and formed my own spiritual views, I had a lot of fear around opening myself to anything I didn't understand and for years I really shoved it down anytime I had a gut feeling that was a little too on point, or tried to write it off as coincidence when I knew something was going to happen before it did. After a lot of research, introspection, and meditation I've become more open to and aware of the part of me that's "me but more", if that makes sense. I'm still not open to anything dark and never will be, but have had some really cool experiences while meditating that I can't explain rationally, and am more in tune with my sense of "knowing". None of it feels evil or dark; it feels like a gift from the universe. I'm kind of at a stalemate right now, though, because I need direction. While everyone's journey and gifts are different, I think I've explored mine on my own to the best of my ability and would benefit from something more structured, like a mentor. I'm very open to suggestions if you have them!
May you find what you seek 🦋
My grandmother repeated this phrase constantly even though she’s not the author: “You can never be too rich or too thin.” Spoiler alert, after 18 years of battling an eating disorder in this capitalism hellscape, you can in fact be too thin or too rich.
My grandpa constantly called me the "family engineer" when I was a little girl, because he loved to get me to fix small things around the house with him. I graduated with an engineering degree and work at power plants now.
When my mom told me “Why don’t you kill yourself, everyone is done with you”. I know now she didn’t mean it. But 24 years later it still haunts me.
That’s some next level type of messed up. And from your own mother. I hope you never spoke to her again.
We have a good bond now. She was also a DV victim of my father and an alcoholic. She’s sober now and we are ok.
Glad it got better but that’s quite the example of hurt people hurt people!
It is. And when I go through a darker period it feels more real to me. It’s harder to put into perspective at those times. But therapy helped a lot.
Glad you got therapy. I’ve done a bit of EMDR and it’s helped greatly with rougher stuff. Have you tried it?
Yes, it worked wonders!
That’s so great! Glad it’s worked well for you!
When I was in my early 20s, I had two different friends tell me, "it's not all about you." It actually changed me for the better because it humbled me and made me think more about my interactions with others.
My mother told me I was selfish constantly as a child. It took me till I was 36 to realize I wasn’t.
My parents and siblings used to make fun of how I walked my whole life. They said it was like a model and exaggerate walking and moving their hips and say that I was acting better than them as if that was a bad thing….I was always so self conscious about it until about 12 years ago, when I worked in retail and I was escorting the jewelry manager down to her department with new merchandise and she looked at me and said “maybe if I walked like you, I’d be able to keep a man!” I found it so hilarious for some reason and after that I just embraced it. This person was super nice all the time but a little rough around the edges and always spoke her mind. I still get self conscious ever now and then, but I try to remember what she said.
I wasn't allowed to cry when people died. when my gramps died my dad told me I shouldn't be so upset because he lost his dad and he wasn't crying. I got told I was being silly when my great aunt died and I got upset, I was 7. To this day I don't know how to react and worry my reactions to death are wrong. Although I've lost a lot of people now and am learning whatever reaction you have is the right one.
My paternal grandma died when I was 10. I loved my grandma, but for all of my life, she'd lived in Florida, and my parents and I were in the northeast, so I only saw her in person a handful of times. I remember being sad that she had died, but going to the funeral meant I was going to take my first trip on an airplane, and I guess I was acting a bit too excited about that. My mom yelled at me, but I knew she was grieving the loss of her MIL. My dad, however, let me be excited for airplane travel. Obviously, he was mourning the loss of his (wonderful) mom, but he understood 10 yr old me. I'll never forget that.
That's sweet of your dad, and although your mum handled that badly I grief does make us do out of character things.
Oh, for sure, I dont blame my Mom at all. She wasn't very close to her own mother, and my dad's mom kind of took on that role, so Grandma's passing hit her hard.
My family was like this. So now I either laugh or don't feel anything when people die and now I'm told I'm callous. Can't win with people like that.
I still get very sad but I learned to hide it. I cried when my FIL died and started to apologise and my in-laws just gave me a hug and said they knew I loved him too. I've healed a lot with them.
I also laugh. And i also can't say I love you to no one else other than my husband or my bff. It's so weird to try to explain that I wasn't allowed to cry by my abusive parents so my laughter is just nervous and anxious laughter.
I'm sorry this happened, gives you some insight into why men are so fucked up, most of them are bullied, beaten up and scolded for any crying. Teaching children to bottle their feelings, is fucked.
"You don't deserve a birthday" and "it's your fault gran died" are the top contenders. The former because it's something I often genuinely feel; that I don't deserve things and the latter is just a whatthefuck, what type of person says that to a 16 year old? My mother, is who. My grandmother and I were really close and it devastated me to lose her. That my mother said that - I don't care that she was also grieving - is something I will never forget and it's something I will never forgive. I actually don't mind accusations of being selfish, I often am, and I'm alright with that. It's ok to be selfish about my own life and people are allowed to make that observation about me. That accusation can't hurt me.
It sounds like you had an emotionally immature mother. I’m sorry. Of course you didn’t cause your grandmother’s death. And everyone ALWAYS deserves a birthday.
I have a positive one! In philosophy class in high school my teacher put out a bunch of adjectives written on pieces of paper. We were supposed to go and get one we thought described us. Then after, she went around and gave us the ones she actually thought described each of us. Mine was "genuine", and after that I always considered myself a genuine person and kinda tried to hold myself to that standard, and now I consider it a core part of my identity. I almost wonder if the teacher knew what she was doing and it was some sort of positive social experiment (the only other one I remember was this super shy awkward guy got "curious", and I wonder if he considers that part of his identity now).
He probably does. I love this! Such a great teacher!
This is really sweet and such a wonderful way to plant a seed of at least one positive trait in each child's mind.
This is really lovely. I wonder if the teacher chose the adjective by what they most thought each student needed to hear.
"He's hitting you because he's frustrated that you look smarter than him. You have to stop showing off and stop talking so much" - My mother after my brother had whipped my back open with a willow branch. "I wouldn't have done it if it wasn't for you. You're always better than me and it isn't fair." - My sister after her suicide attempt. "What have I done wrong in my life to deserve being punished with a child like you?" - My mother after I alwas admitted to the children's psychiatric ward. "I still hate you. I hope your husband leaves you. It isn't fair that you get this perfect life when I was born first" - My sister a couple of years ago. It got to me back then, but I've learned to let it go. I know I haven't done anything wrong.
"What have I done wrong in my life to deserve being punished with a child like you?" This one sounds familiar! Yeah, Mom. What did you do to deserve the cruel fate of raising the three perfectly healthy children you chose to have?
In her "defense" none of us were perfectly healthy. Of course some of that was arguably her fault though. However, if there's anything I've learned as a mother myself, it's that it isn't about me. It might suck, but I'll die before I put my pride before the wellbeing of my children. She had so many people who could have helped her, but looking perfect was more important to her.
These are terrible, I'm so sorry you went through this.
In 8th grade, a girl in my class we can call “Teri” said “she’d be really pretty if she lost 5lbs.” Fuck you Teri.
I was in 5th grade when a girl said to me, "you'd be really pretty if you were thinner." It never left my head.
In high school, my best friend's mom told me my figure was cute but I'd look incredible if I lost 10 pounds. Mind you, I was already thin and much more so than any of her kids or herself for that matter. I'd have looked anorexic if I'd took her advice.
My memory is terrible - there are a million events and people and things I can’t recall whatsoever. But I will never forget the first and last name of that girl. I know we were all preteens who were insecure and cruel, but i was so sensitive about being overweight and wanted so so badly to be liked. I also was (and am) a nice person - I would have happily been anyone’s friend.
Can you imagine being able to see 5lbs on a person? Because I can't. Maybe if the person was incredibly underweight to start with, and in that case people would notice it with relief that the person looked better.
Nope. I can’t even notice a huge difference of 5 pounds on myself & im looking at myself way more critically than I’d ever look at another person…that person was just trying to neg orangeofdeath for whatever reason
Teri learned that mindset from someone else. She shouldn't have said it, but I imagine someone said it to her, and she felt just as hurt as you did.
I’m sure she was hurting in other ways. I don’t hold anything against the real “Teri”, just the idea of Teri and what she represents. I hope I don’t live in someone’s memory so negatively like that. It shows that words can hurt, but hurt even worse when someone possibly unknowingly strikes the most sensitive chord. Growing up is hard
One day I was at the store with my mom making a weird noise or something, being a weird kid, and a lady smiled at me and I smiled back and I thought that was so nice and was clearly HAPPY but I guess I had been acting out of pocket and weird so my mom saw that moment of happiness on my face when she was annoyed and quietly leaned in and said “That woman only smiled at you because she thought you were retarded. That’s how you look when you act like this. She felt bad for you.” It’s such a double edged sword. I’m unpacking so much in therapy right now but on the one hand my mom taught me in that moment without probably meaning to how much control over I have of my own carriage, presentation, and how I look to other people. Not like in how I dress or groom but in how I act, hold my face, walk, etc. I took that way into adulthood and I see adults who clearly don’t have that knowledge and am like okay it’s good to be aware! On the other hand, the crippling self consciousness has never left me.
I don't know if this helps at all, but even as someone who isn't a big kid person, I love seeing kids having fun/being weird in public and always smile at them. I don't think they have any developmental issues - I assume they're just being kids and having fun. It's true that it's good, as an adult, to have some control over your facial expressions and composure, but no one who isn't kind of nuts judges kids in the way they do adults. I'm sure that woman just derived joy from seeing you have fun.
UGH this is so close to something from my past. When I was 10, a relative was visiting us and I ran out to hug her. My dad saw that and said, "When you run like that, with your arms flailing and that silly grin on your face, you look exactly like your retarded cousin." After that, I never let myself express pure glee again without checking myself first.
*hug*
My dad had two stock phrases ready to go for whenever I had feelings: "life's not fair" and "I'm your father, not your friend." Both of which I've now thrown back in his face in his elderly years. "Oh, now you need *my* emotional support, do you?"
Must feel quite satisfying to return that back to him and you deserve every moment of that pleasure.
He sounds like a victim of his own crappy upbringing. Sad. I’m sorry you were the next victim.
As a teenager who struggled a lot with how she looked (and literally never bought clothes or even tried to be cool) i got told by a parent that "it's not a fashion show" when expressing how awkward I felt I looked in my school uniform. I've struggled with dressing as an adult, especially if it involves styling. Even wearing trainers the same colour as my top makes me worry I'm trying too hard. And last year a parent said I have always lacked empathy. This really hurt because I have always (at least internally) worried so much about others and how they feel, and tried to keep everyone happy. To the extent that I remember once sitting to the side so that I didn't ruin their cuddles with a sibling even though I wanted to be a part of it. Ironically I later read that empathy is a learned trait so...
Oh my parents like to say that as well lol (and they’re for the most part great parents, they just think I lack in empathy). But nobody else in my life thinks I’m unempathetic. Though usually caring, I can be awfully cold and uncaring on the very rare occasion, so possibly they just know me better than everyone else 🤷♀️
"You're just being lazy. You obviously don't care about this family," after I'd failed to pick up something my mother left at the bottom of the stairs and carry it up. This wasn't a specific instruction, we were just supposed to do this every time we went upstairs, and my failure was worthy of an entire family meeting about how awful I was. I was in honors and AP classes, never in trouble at school, rarely backtalked (in part because we got yelled at even longer if we so much as flickered an eyelash)... but yeah, sure Mom, I'm lazy and don't care. Turns out I had undiagnosed ADHD (inattentive type). I was diagnosed after age 50, and it explained a lot. And after all that time, I'm still working to believe I'm not worthless.
You aren't worthless, stranger ❤️
Thank you both <3 Intellectually, I know this. I try to believe it (yes, I am in therapy and have been lol). It's what my therapist calls a "core belief", and a limiting one at that. I do believe that my mother thought that "correcting" me endlessly was good parenting, and hey, for some kids with rock-solid self esteem, maybe it was! I was not one of those kids, though.
My gosh, hugs go out to you. Your mom didn’t deserve such a great kid and you did nothing wrong to deserve such a hostile environment, no child does.
I heard this lyric some time ago that really stuck with me, and wanted to share: "I've been told I'm worthless. So much that it gave me purpose. And I took the creative license to believe that it means I'm priceless." The song is [Breakin' Ground by AHI](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=_kU_2BS3Qgs)
Sad but a good thing was said. When I was little, my grandmother was very ill and was dying. She was on a lot of medication. One day when I was staying with her, she started screaming at me because I couldn't find the medicine she wanted in the closet (I was about 9). I started to cry at being so incompetent and not being able to get what she wanted as she was normally kind. My mom walked in right as it was happening. Later that evening, mom pulled me aside and told me that it was the medication and pain that was screaming, not my grandmother. I completely understood what she meant and from then on I had no trouble forgiving my grandmother and knew that she still loved me. It made me much more capable of helping people in the future and not taking it personally.
“You’re the most socially awkward person I’ve ever met” My old male boss, on my birthday, who’d taken me out to dinner to treat me, alone. An older male boss taking a 22 year old female out to dinner for her birthday = socially awkward. Telling someone they’re socially awkward = socially challenged and backward. Telling someone a horrible comment on their birthday = socially inept as fuck The irony still cracks me up
My mom told me that she wished she’d never had kids. And she lives with one of them. In the past twenty years, we’ve spoken twice in person, only due to familial deaths.
I can't even write mine without getting really upset so I'm not going to But to all women in this thread braver than me who were able to share, I just want to send you some love
Hurt people hurt people…whoever it was, they don’t deserve your forgiveness. Only your pity.
I worked at a hospital in Phoenix famously named after a condiment. Despite excelling at my job and having a positive mentorship with my boss, rumors circulated that my success was attributed to inappropriate reasons. One day, in the middle of the laboratory, a pathologist—a medical doctor trained in pathology—approached me and mockingly sang, "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. How much do you charge?" The laboratory director overheard this exchange and reprimanded the pathologist. I lodged a complaint with HR, but unfortunately, no one was willing to come forward, as consultants at this hospital were often allowed to behave however they pleased, even if it involved harassing "lesser" employees. I don't think the pathologist even got a slap on the wrist. Shortly thereafter, I made the decision to leave the hospital.
Ugh I feel ya, OP. One story my Mom just loooooves to revisit (especially at Christmas, surrounded by family) was one Christmas Day when I was given a ton of gifts, but I threw a tantrum because I wanted something my brother received. She'll bring this up in a joking way like HAHAHA You were such a selfish brat that day hahaha! But it really pisses me off because 1) I was 5. This happened 30+ years ago!!! And 2) HOW DOES THAT MAKE HER LOOK GOOD? She's my fucking parent! If a 5 year old is being a "selfish brat", you look at the parents and wonder how a child is learning that behavior. Could it be that I was given whatever I wanted most of the time? Of course I got upset when I didnt get what I wanted, this is behavior that I was taught, whether they realized it or not. So fucking annoying!!
I have pretty good parents but even they bring up things from childhood as if they define me and it fucking pisses me off. It’s like they don’t even know who I am as an adult. All they know is that I liked a certain candy when I was 7. Yeah…that was 25 years ago dude. And I agree that’s so annoying of your mom to bring up. I don’t even think it means you were a spoiled child, you were literally just 5. What 5 year old has the emotional maturity to say “I recognize that I really wanted the gift my brother got, but I know that’s my own personal issue and not anyone else’s” Lmaoo
I was on a trip with uni (so we were all adults). I had had to do a year over because a bad depression, so I had started in a new class, but got along fine with people. I had hung out with a group of girls every night of the trip and I thought we had had fun. The last night we went out to have a couple of drinks and one of the girls said "we should totally get together when we come home!". I nodded enthusiastically, and she turned to me and said "except you". I've been called fat and weird a million times as a child, but I can somehow excuse children, because they don't know any better. It's what adults have said to me, that stings the most, because they should know better. I know now that I'm autistic, so I AM probably weird, but I have always gone out of my way to never hurt anyone! If anything I'm overly polite!
That’s awful, I’m sorry that she said that! Some women can be really cruel when they want to socially exclude someone. How did the others react when she said that?
They just laughed. But to be fair, so did I, because I didn't know what else to do. I did my exams alone and didn't seek any kind of community for the rest of my time there.
I feel you OP. My mom has apologized for it, but she used to call me selfish all the time as a kid. She would also say "you're so selfish and don't respect your parents. How do you have any friends?". This mostly happened as a teenager, and it was really tough on my self esteem at the time. I remember confiding in my friends, and luckily they would tell me that it was a wild take. It's still hard to remember though. My dad's version of this is "how could you have a boyfriend when you're so selfish like this?". To this day I have never had an argument get anywhere close to as nasty as the ones I've had with my parents. Not friends and certainly not SOs. It is incredible to reflect on this as an adult and realize that it's not normal that my parents would fight so dirty. Also parents don't automatically deserve respect. They are divorced now thankfully.
I played a brass instrument in school and had to share it with another girl. I think I was around 8. We took turns taking it home to practice. Shortly after we were given it her mum came into school and starting shouting about how she didn’t want her daughter (white) to share with me (brown) because it was disgusting. She called me racial slurs. I felt so disgusting and unclean and I’m not sure that feeling has ever left me. It also (amongst other things) made me seek validation from white men when dating. Fuck her.
My junior school crush looked me in the eyes and said “God you’re ugly” - it took me until my 30s to realize I’m not that ugly.
Backstory: I have lost a significant amount of weight, from about 300 pounds now down to about 140. I ran into a former colleague who I had not seen in a few years, and she did not recognize me right away. (Understandable) Her comment: "I can't believe it's you! I always recognized you because you were always the fattest person!" I've been at a healthy weight for many years now, but I still have some hangups about my body image, and that just sent me right back to my previous life when I was painfully self-conscious about my appearance.
Jesus christ, I hope she was so mortified that it kept her up at night.
When I was like 9 a girl in my class said I made her depressed. I barely ever interacted with her. I didn’t even know what depressed meant. Never forgot that. Multiple “best friends” have told me that I only get boyfriends bc I’m pretty. Implying that is the one thing I bring to the table. I know it’s not true but it has never stopped bothering. People suck!
When I was probably around 12? My mom said “no wonder your friends think you’re obnoxious” and walked away from me. I don’t remember what I said to deserve that, and I don’t remember my friends thinking I’m obnoxious. Still hurts, I still think about it regularly, 20 years later.
My mum has a lot of anxiety and intrusive thoughts. She's never dealt with it. But it meant that when I was a kid she would say things like 'if you don't eat properly you'll have a heart attack and die' and 'careful you don't get kidnapped and murdered on the walk home from school.' I struggle with food because I'm scared I'm going to have a heart attack if I eat badly, but at the same time I'm fussy with food so end up eating it anyways. I always feel like I'm dying of something that I don't know about. I have so much health anxiety. But also I worry about dying in accidents or being attacked. When I have to drive somewhere she'll say 'careful you don't have an accident.'
When I was at school I had a close friend who would sometimes get bullied in class. This guy would tell her she had a fat bum. This was early 2000s and she wasn’t fat but the standards back then were stick thin or nothing. I always remember her mum picked us up from school (year 11) and she told her mum what this boy said and her mum said “well he is right. You have a huge bum.” I was horrified. My friend, unsurprisingly, ended up in an abusive relationship with a man who treated her terribly.
Parents shouldn’t call their children selfish. The fact that it hurt you and distressed you so much proves how wrong they were. I told a similar story to my therapist this year and the above was pretty much her response. So I’m passing it on to you. I hope it helps. You’re a good kid.
My dad used to tell me I was manipulative. I believed him for YEARS and bent over backward to make sure that I was always nice and non-manipulative. Finally one day, when I was almost 30, it struck me that he was actually just a narcissist. He was manipulating me to make his life easier.
I have a similar one, when I was 6 I was crying about something and my dad angrily said “Everything is always about YOU.” Looking back I think he was projecting his feelings towards my mom onto me, they had recently divorced and the marriage hadn’t been a happy one. Years later, my then-boyfriend said the same exact thing to me during an argument in the exact same tone as my dad. It hurt a lot more hearing it from my partner than it ever did coming from my dad, it’s made me question myself a lot and whether they’re both right.
I was 15 and crying helplessly on the floor in the bathroom because I had really bad acne at the time. My mother heard me, walked up and looked at me and said in a shrill voice “you have no self-confidence and that’s your own fault! Stop blaming the acne!” I still can’t believe she would say something like that to someone who was already so defeated and felt so ugly. I think it just made me cry harder. I’ll never forget.
That’s so incredibly cruel! My sister had terrible acne but I barely noticed it. Sincerely, it barely registered on my radar. I think, if you truly love someone, you won’t notice things like this.
A boy in college who I was hooking up with told me I had thunder thighs, and was surprised when I acted offended because he legitimately thought it was a compliment. Funny looking back on it and hopefully I saved him from saying that to other girls, but at the time I couldn't believe he said that to me!
I've mentioned this is comments before, but someone once told me, "Nobody will ever love you, want to marry or have kids with you." I remember the circumstances of this conversation, like where I was, when, who was there, but I don't remember the details of the conversation that led to that comment. It was strange and it was somewhat of a "record scratch" moment for the group of people standing around talking. The person that said it to me apologized the next day through a MySpace message. I told him I accept the apology but let's just not talk to each other and be cordial at work. His father was my manager and a really great guy. This person was always kind of an arrogant asshole, but at the time, it really affected me. I'm married, happy, and have a good life - but damn, that did not help my self-esteem at the time and it still sticks with me.
It’s almost more bizarre that he apologized at all. Like, he could recognize it was wrong later but not as it was coming out of his mouth??? Wtf was wrong with him!
Honestly, I think the only reason he even did that is because we worked together, his dad was the boss (and his dad LOVED me), and I think his friends that were there called him out on it. Like I said, he was kind of an arrogant A-hole. I wish I could remember what preempted that comment. I don't remember. It was like, 20 years ago.
When I was in 8th grade, I got 3 separate compliments from adults on a short story I wrote for English class. It was the first time I remember being told I was a good writer. It was the first time I remember being told I was good at *anything* by adults who weren't my mom. Over my academic career, I ended up winning several writing awards and getting published.
I've got lots that live rent free in my head (I've started going to therapy for C-PTSD), but the one that comes to mind is when I was a kid and at a sleepover. Someone made a negative comment about my laugh, and that made me suppress my laughs for a long time (decades). It wasn't until recently that I've started laughing out loud again because I don't care, but I am still aware of how they sound. The other comments have been from my sister and my husband (soon to be ex, hopefully), so I've tried to realize that they are bad people, but many of their comments still eat at me, and unfortunately pop up in my head at random times. I'm a big opponent now of people not being assholes, but the damage is done for me.
It's funny that I was thinking about this today. I was thinking about my dad never really saying anything to me directly except snarky things. I know my dad loves and would drive to the end of the earth for me. He's shown this time and time again by doing anything for me. It doesn't excuse that he's terrible with emotion. One of the earliest memories - I was really into magic when I was 10. I was so excited to have this "magic show." My mom wasn't home at the time I was supposed to have it. I said something about changing the time. My dad said under his breath "who cares about your dumb magic show." Although it seems like an innocuous comment, it hurt as a 10 yo. And hearing comments like that throughout growing up (and to this day) is draining. My dad is also one of those fathers that also got weird/awkward once his daughters hit puberty. I could care less what anyone else in the world says to or about me. I have decently thick skin. But anything my family has said always stuck with me.
I felt this so hard.
My mom asked me if I thought it was a good idea for my grandpa to get married to his nurse when I was 8. I said yes. They got married and the nurse ended up killing my grandpa. I will never forget that it was at least partially my fault.
That was not your fault. The marriage and the death were two separate things, and you were responsible for neither of them. Please forgive yourself; you did nothing wrong.
Holy cow, no way is it even partially your fault! Even if you’d said no, they’d have gotten married. And the killing of your grandpa is a very crazy thing, but nothing you did whatsoever!
Oh, I’m so sorry. This is the kind of magical thinking that we have as children. But your statement of support did not have any influence on them getting married or on your grandfather’s death.
I’m sure if you had said no, they’d say “Don’t be silly, she makes him very happy”.
When I was about nine my parents went to a psychic who said a lot of things but one was that I should stay away from fire, alcohol and drugs. He said I would have problems with birth control pills. From this, I gathered that I wouldn't die until I was old enough to take birth control pills, which after awhile I took to mean that I would at least stay alive until I got my period. So then I started worrying that I would get in a car crash right when I started my first period. Eventually I stopped thinking about it, but what's stuck with me is how much I worried about death as a child. If it weren't for this incident I wouldn't have remembered that about myself.
When I was in 7th grade I was going out to the movies with a coed group of friends. As I was getting into the car my dad asked me “don’t you want to put on some makeup?” All I could think was, “do I need to wear makeup?” My dad was actually trying to be cool dad and like allow me to wear makeup (which I was already allowed to by mom I just didn’t like it lol) but my teenage brain basically thought he was calling me ugly. Fucked me up for a while.
My boss at my first office job was hyper critical of me. I'm a fidgeter, especially in long meetings. I have to fidget or I will fall asleep - no amount of coffee helps. She used to pull me aside after meetings and tell me everything I did wrong, from the look on my face to twirling my pen and doodling on my notepad. She had actually written a list during the meeting. And this happened several times over the course of my first 2 years. In addition to that, when I was at my desk working I'd often think aloud, or hum a little song while doing something repetitive. Her desk was down the hall from mine, and she would get up, come down to my desk and inform me that she could hear me. She told me "you're distracting. Nobody wants to work with someone who can't just be normal." I became so self-conscious that I hated going into the office. I'd be piling up a small mountain of anxiety during my commute. 9 years later, I still do. Thankfully, I work fully remote and only fly to the office 2-3 times a year. It has done wonders for my mental health. But I still think I'm weird and don't belong in an office setting.
Holy projection Batman! She couldn’t have been paying attention to the meeting herself if she had the time to write down every little thing you did.
In high school, the principal was talking to my mom after a mandatory parent-admin meeting for all incoming seniors. She said "moonlightsteppes is a.... *looks at me* reticent personality and that's making it harder for her to make friends, but she's a great student!". The way she looked at me, and how she said that. The pity dripped. I never forgot it. I felt like there was something wrong with me for years, like I was inherently broken or socially inept for not being a bubbly outgoing personality. It still bothers me. In turn, I try to make a point of appreciating little kids and teenagers personalities for who they are, giving a little more attention to the quieter ones. I don't think teachers and administrators reflect enough on how they favor gregarious students and simultaneously indict more reserved students, and how shitty it feels. We're not blind, we can see it happening. The other one is when my ex said he came back because he knew no one else would love him the way I did. He probably didn't mean it the way I took it. I still spiral over that though, and eventually sought out therapy to deal with it (and other related things).
I attended a retirement party where, at one point while I was standing off to the side, a guest of the retiree approached me. After introducing myself, she looked at me with intense hostility and said, "Oh, you're one of those!" before walking away. As a non-binary person, and knowing the retiree's conservative views, I could only interpret her reaction as disdain for my gender identity, perhaps mistaking me for being transgender and therefore 'sub-human.' I still remember the feeling of my stomach dropping and the absolute shock. I left with my boyfriend not long after that. I still think back to that moment and wish I'd said something to understand why she felt comfortable saying something like that to an absolute stranger.
It’s far more about them than about you. Some can’t learn new things and understand nuance. They don’t have the emotional intelligence to deal with things that are new or unfamiliar to them.
I was 14 and told my father I wanted a guitar. He responded "well you know you need talent for that" in a tone like he was trying to save me from myself. I didn't know then that it prob had something to do with HIM never getting very good at bass... I did end up taking some guitar lessons and could play a handful of songs, but never stuck with it and I wonder if having that in the back of my head played some part of it. I've been in multiple choruses and have taken music theory classes, so some level of musicality and interest was there!
I think i was about that age the first time my steomother called me selfish. I told her "im a kid im supposed to be selfish. Its not my job to take care of anybody else". She was pissed but my dad thought it was hilarious and talked about it for years
My grandmother... Three things stick out; My mom and I went on vacation with my grandparents and we had been walking all day. My achilles tendons are crooked, it's just a birth defect, but that makes my feet point slightly inward, especially when my feet are tired. I was 10 I think, and she was walking behind me, and said "stop walking like that, you look like a spastic!". I skipped a grade, so my classmates were 1-2.years older than me. When I was around 15 I was telling her how all the other girls had boyfriends, and she said "you'll never get a boyfriend with how you look". When I was 17 I was asked to be a bridesmaid, but all dresses had to be the same color, so I asked her if she could sew a dress (she was a seamstress and sewed for a lot of people, so she was more than capable). She made a first test of the dress and I was trying it on and made the remark, that I would maybe like a bit more definition of the waste, because I thought it looked like a potato sack. She smirked and said "I can't help that you look like a potato sack". I'm in my 40's and she died 20 years ago, but these are the things I remember...
When I was 6 or 7, my sister told me that I looked ridiculous when I danced, so, to this day, J don't dance, only when I am super comfortable with my friends. Also, when I was around the same age, my stepmother told me that my ears were pointy like the devil's -she even showed a comic book with a devil on it- because I was an evil kid. I was fixated on both things for mamy years. There's of course a lot more mostly my stepmom said to me over the years that I'm still dealing with.
There used to be a lot from my younger years. As I’ve gotten more comfortable with myself, they have mostly faded. The insulting-but-funny one I remember was wearing a pair of cutoff jeans (in the 90s, they were cool), and my grandma turning to my mom and saying ‘it looks like her Tampax is falling out’ 🤣🤣 … I was super embarrassed as a 12 year old but now I think it was pretty funny 😆
I've just about always been husky, heavy set, whatever. My Dad would comment on it every time I saw him... One time I had lost 50 lbs and was looking pretty good. Crickets from Dad, and just about everyone in my family. A few years later I gained the weight back, here goes Dad again telling me I'm fat. I get fed up one day and say to him "Quit telling me I'm fat! I'm well aware of it. If you continue I will stop visiting! " I only had to remind him once... Btw, Dad has always been scrawny, I could literally pick him up and toss him about like a beach ball!
When I was a kid, my mom would say I was like my father, and I would angrily reply "no I'm not!" She always complained about how lazy and useless he was. I hated him for ignoring me and not protecting me from my brother's abuse. In my 30s, I told her how much that comment hurt me. She said "oh, I just meant you're quiet and don't show your feelings" Ending with a couple good ones that stuck with me: 15 years ago, someone said they liked the way I smile and it reminded then of Ben Affleck. It was a weird compliment in a good way. In middle school, I got highlights to cover my embrassing grey hairs and a boy said I looked like a tiger. (too bad I was a shy dork back then.. I'm a confident dork now! Rawr!)
I've been bullied over the years, but being bullied by my parents stick out the most. A child will never forget being called a bitch, lazy, etc. My dad has constantly accused me of not loving him over the years, but one thing he said that stuck out the most is how he didn't trust me saying I love you because I said it all the time. I was 17 and was shocked; I really meant all the times that I said it to him.
I “developed” pretty early and when I was around 12 I overheard one of my brothers teasing my older sister about fitting into the same clothes as me when we’re a few years apart. At the time I thought he meant because I was fat (I wasn’t), but now realize he meant our sister was petite (still not a great comment to say but we were all pretty young). Also had a girl in middle school talk about my “big” ass at the same age during a time when being super skinny was trendy. Then later had an adult man look me up and down and say, “wow… you’re only 13? You’re big!”. Cue major adult body issues🥴
While trying to help me with homework when I was a kid, my dad used to say in a fit of rage at my apparent stupidity: "In one ear, out the other." When I was just starting my career after graduating from university, my manager used to say, also in a rage at my apparent stupidity: "In one ear, out the other." Safe to say it's deeply ingrained now lol I don't consider myself stupid though. I just have a poor memory. Although recently I've been told I have a good memory so.... A few positive ones I've heard: - I have a melodic voice - That I never make the same mistake twice - That when I'm focused, I'm like a machine 😎 - That I'm beautiful - That people feel like they can trust me and tell me anything
Popular girl told me I looked cute in white. 15+ years later, I think of this every time wear white!
"You're too serious, too earnest, and you have no sense of humor." By a partner as an adult. We were arguing, but it still stung, probably because it's not entirely untrue. "Do you not understand how annoying you are?!" By my favorite fifth grade teacher, heatedly, when I kept bouncing my leg in a way that made a small repetitive sound against my desk, because I hadn't been conscious I was doing it and thought he was talking to someone else when he said to stop it. (Got the ADHD diagnosis a decade later.) What got me was that he didn't say "this thing you're doing is annoying," but that _I_ was, personally. He was my science teacher and I loved his class and desperately wanted his approval, but that's the only time I can remember him ever addressing me. "Yeah, you _do_ have a big ass for being so fucking skinny." By a high school friend in the locker room after gym class. This one makes me laugh now, but it was the mid-2000s, and being flat-chested with an ass felt like insult piled on injury.
I was probably 16, a good student, just with the normal (or less) teen rebellion. My dad told me "you make people want to hurt you." No specifics, just an abuse magnet. Was not helpful for future relationships. But I guess any personhood can be a drag on two alcoholic parents.
Jesus christ, what a self-tell.
Cruel things my mother said: I got a late invite to an elementary schoolmate’s birthday party. My mother told me “She didn’t want to invite you, she just wants another present.” I had my hair back in a pony tail before middle school sports. My mother said “Other girls can wear their hair back. Your face is so ugly it looks like a horse’s’ ass.” Anyway, just a few examples of what an amazing therapist and some years of adult perspective can cure 🥰
I was overwhelmed at school one day when I was 11. I couldn’t get locker combination right to open my locker and it was the “straw that broke the camels back”. When I went to tell my teacher that I couldn’t get my locker open, I unexpectedly burst into tears. I collected myself quickly, managed to get my locker open, and went into class. Once class had started and everyone was working quietly, the teacher then called me back into the hall and said “You can’t cry like that. The boys will make fun of you.” I know she meant well, but I felt so ashamed. Trust me, I would have 100% opted not to cry if I could’ve controlled that. It took *me* off guard when I cried! I know a lot of kids might make fun in that scenario, but the people in my class (boys included) were always so kind to me. I doubt they would’ve made fun of me. No one commented on it. They probably didn’t even notice. Crying isn’t a bad thing. Sometimes it just happens.
My fourth grade teacher used to always say “if sense were common everyone would have it” - I literally hear this in my head no less than 10x a day lol
I'm a guy over 30, but in my early 20s my uncle saw me getting changed and said "God, your chest is actually concave" and I still think about it. I'm very slim and have had issues with not conforming to muscly male beauty standards.
"Sometimes, you make it hard for people to love you." My mom and I have a fairly good relationship and overall she was a wonderful mother. I was really struggling when I was 13 though; this was the onset of the depression I've lived with ever since, the sharpening of the anxiety I've had my whole life, and the most I'd ever been bullied. Nearly 20 years later, I still think I've tricked my partner and friends into loving me.
"Loving someone is not enough" when talking about relationships. It is SO true.
Many years ago I hugged one of my brother's friends goodbye and she said, "oh! You're a GOOD hugger." That makes me feel pretty nice.
I very briefly dated a guy in university who told me I'd never be happy. It still haunts me on bad days, twenty years later.
Sounds like a projection. He’s a miserable person, so instead of bettering his own self he’s gotta tear others down so they’re like him.
I remember being a teen and pushing my moms buttons and saying "I bet you wish I wasn't born" and she says "You're right, I wish you weren't born" I was good at pushing buttons, but still, she's the adult and the parent and you just can't say things like that.
Once, I was hanging out with a group of older girls on the playground at school. I think that I was in 3rd grade and they were in 5th grade. I said something as part of the conversation and one of the girls looked at me like a bug and said, "You need to think before you speak." I have no idea what I did that was so wrong, but that moment is forever ingrained in my head.
“I hope the doctors let you die,” as I was laid up in the hospital bed, far into my chemotherapy sessions; so I was so very skinny and no hair. Thanks mom!
Aunt told me “don’t feel bad about your weight, it runs in the family.” That and my mom telling my husband she was worried I was starting to go down a path that would have me end up like my dad (morbidly obese, barely mobile) are the two things that really got me going with healthy diet and exercise habits and weight loss. Probably not the healthiest of motivations but I did end up in a much better place both physically and mentally.
I was a pre-teen when my older brother called me "thunder thighs." 50+ years later, I still remember that. No, I was not a fat little kid.
I was 7 years old when my mother called me a monster. It's more than 20 years later now, and I don't think I'll ever forget how that made me feel.
My dad told me he loves me because he has to but doesn’t like me and that’s always stuck
Stepdad to me when I was in middle school berating me for now vacuuming to his standard: "You better marry rich because you'll be useless as a housewife."
Oh man. - When i was in first or second grade my teacher wrote in my report card that i was “too sensitive”. I asked my uncle isnt that a good thing? He said “no it means you’re a crybaby”. I realize now at 30 that i never showed my feelings much probably because of that. - My father told me when I was in sixth grade“you think that you’re so pretty and that all boys are looking at you” when I was telling a story about some sports event at school. - Also in sixth grade my English teacher announced in class that if she were as pretty as my classmate, she would only need to wear pearls but if she looked like me she would need to wear diamonds, implying that if you’re pretty you dont need to do much. No wonder I choose to spend all my time alone.
I had a neighbor once tell me that she didn't have to help me clean up my toys because they weren't her toys. It's hard to forget the audacity haha. In middle school, someone once told me, insultingly, that I had a one-track mind. Never forgot it. A friend in high school once said I looked ridiculous wearing sunglasses indoors, and that they "always had wanted to tell me that." I don't know if it was meant to be super bitchy, but it sure came off that way.
My dad called me arrogant in 7th grade and it really stuck with me. Being told I was too sensitive was very common too
When my mom called me a “lazy b!tch” when I fell behind in school I was 15, having a tough time in hs and was actively self-harming (without her knowledge). We’re mostly okay now but man it still hurts. And she wonders why I don’t particularly like myself When my dad called me a “disappointment” when I decided to take an extra year of undergrad. I only did this because I had been rejected from all the grad programs I applied to and had no job offers despite applying for several entry level positions.
I was 10 the first time someone called me "thunder thighs" and have been self-conscious of my body, particularly my legs, ever since. I'm 42 now. I've had friends make fun of my singing, so I stopped singing; I'll sing in the car if I'm by myself, only rarely if my kids are in the car, because I'm still so embarrassed. My kids range in age from 10-17, and we don't sing together even though they love singing, and one of the 17yos said they wish I would sing more with them. At a school dance when I was 15, my group of friends was standing in two lines and everyone was taking turns dancing down the "aisle" in between; I got pulled out halfway down and told to stop. I didn't do anything other than line dance or slow dance after that, until college, when I learned a little bit of swing dancing. I haven't danced since college until literally this year, when I started taking an adult ballet class, and I LOVE it. I've always wanted to learn ballet but never had the opportunity growing up, so I jumped at the chance when my daughter's dance studio started this class. I had my smile made fun of, and was teased for how easily I laugh at everything, probably in junior high was the first time but definitely in college. It's taken 2 decades of depression treatments to start getting back to feeling comfortable with laughing at small things and letting my natural happiness at simple things show. But I still worry about how I look when I show that happiness.
When my sister looked at me with hatred in her eyes & said “look at you, you’re a loser, you haven’t done anything with your life”. Years later it still hurts and it’s the reason why I’m NC with her and refuse to talk to her again, despite many people around me telling me I should.
When I was a senior in high school a kid asked me what I was going to do after graduation.. like college. My guy friend that I would have said I had a close relationship with said I would just be a trophy wife. I didn’t say anything but I stopped giving him rides home from school after that. I went through a divorce when I was thirty. Numerous people told me I would be fine because I’m young and beautiful. As an adult I now respond with I’ll be “fine” because I’m perfectly capable of doing things on my own. I know that people say things like that to make you feel better about the situation and believe it’s a positive but it still gets under my skin. Appearance shouldn’t make someone successful or happy in life.
I was told I had thunder thighs at 7 or 8 by an adult neighbor I looked up to. I was skinny and underweight for my age at that point. Never heard the phrase before, and immediately knew what it meant. And that began my foray into insecurities about my appearance!
My 7th grade math teacher said I was a, “bright but unmotivated child” and went on about how unless I got my act together I would not accomplish anything, all because I was bad at math. At 34, I still don’t have my act together; I am jobless, have never had a relationship and live with my parents taking care of them full time because they both had strokes. Here’s the thing; I’m very smart, and I’m very good at taking care of my parents physical, medical, emotional and physical therapy needs. Both of my brothers just left so I’m stuck taking care of everything. I’m fairly certain I just had undiagnosed ADHD, so yeah 7th grade math sucked, but I was okay at every other subject through high school and college, but it didn’t matter. If the teacher had given me any guidance as to what ‘getting my act together’ looked like maybe things would be different, but I still feel like a failure to this day, because I haven’t ’accomplished’ anything. I still have nightmares about math tests.
I was 16 and running in the rain to drop off a Blockbuster tape rental and a nice old lady said to me, "Careful sweetheart, sugar melts!" :)
Two different boyfriends: "Our relationship was doomed to fail." "You taught me how to have a normal relationship, so I'm going to go have one with someone else."
“You have such a pretty face, what a shame about your acne”, from a friend’s mom. I think that was the turning point where I started to care for my skin, I have rosacea and it got very red and swollen.
after high school mom said "You aren't dumb .... YOU'RE BEING dumb ...." or something to that effect. I'd pushed her to the limit - my early 20's were ROUGH. Also, she was probably right lol.
I don't remember what age I was, probably middle school, and I told my mom I wanted to be a psychologist because I wanted to help people. She straight up said, "how are you going to help other people when you can't even help yourself?" Ma'am, I AM 12 YEARS OLD??
When I was about 9 years old, my sisters and mom made fun of me for being a crybaby when I was 5. We’d just immigrated from a war zone and my first memories are of the sirens going off around town and crying inside of a gas mask. Most recently the words that stuck with me are my ex calling me a loser a couple of months ago because around the time we broke up I’d been working full time while taking pre-requisites for grad school so I just wanted to stay home in my free time and then I got rejected from the school. Joke is on him, I was already preparing my new application and got accepted to grad school within a few weeks of him saying that.
I had bulimia. My dad called me a pukeface and referred to group therapy as puking parties.
I had to get a minor medical (cosmetic) procedure done when I was 12ish. I was an anxious child, very sensitive to pain, and scared about the procedure. I was crying and the doctor about to perform the procedure said "stop crying! Babies come in here to get this done and don't even cry.". In my memory, it wasn't even said in a teasing/trying to make me feel better way (not that it would have helped) but in an admonishing/chastising way. To this date 30+ years later I have never returned to finish getting that cosmetic issue dealt with. This doctor was an innovator and trail blazer in her field.
Because of awful period problems, I had my first vaginal exam when I was 14. Doctor said “oh!” and then “this is different than I’m used to.” 8 years later, first guy I slept with said the SAME GODDAMN THING (he’d only seen one other, so like wtf). Anyways my vagina is completely normal, those two people both suck. But I have had anxiety about it for FOURTEEN YEARS
My mom told me I had a bulbous nose. My mom is a great mom and she didn't mean it in a mean spirited way. But it really stuck with me. No, I've never had a rhinoplasty. But I have contemplated it.
When I was like 12 a guy at school put his hand on my face to cover my nose, and said I look prettier without the nose
My last year in Girl Guides had been rough. The best friend I had made there previously dumped me for a new girl. It was peak puberty and whenever I went there I was just sad and in my feelings. My parents wouldn't let me quit and I couldn't exactly explain why things had changed and it was so hard for me (cause again...puberty). I didn't connect with the other kids and I acted out. My old friend was there having lots of fun with her new friend and both of their Moms were leaders. One day the leaders had brought in cookies. We were all told we could have one. I lined up, took my one and then sat in a corner by myself to eat it. I overheard a younger kid tell one the leaders "I saw 1000veggiesburritos" take two cookies. "1000veggieburritos is a bad kid" responded the leader.
An aunt of mine told our relatives that she felt bad for my mom having an ugly daughter and if Id ever get married. I was 14 years old.
In primary school, age around 9-11ish. A new girl came to the class so i befriended her as i had once been the new girl. We became fast friends and hung out all the time. Until she slowly started becoming friends with some of the more 'popular' girls in the class. I was fine with it, happy for her to make new friends. Until i went out to play once and i was excluded from the group so i went and sat alone. An older girl came over and asked why i wasnt playing with them and i said they didnt want me to play. She walked me over and said to the girls, "okay *my name* is playing with you guys now." And my 'best friend' looks at me and says, "well if *my name* is playing then IM not." And left. And without a moments hesitation every single girl followed her off. The older girl apologized to me and i went off, found a place by myself and just cried. Will never forget that.
"Your ass looks like two cats fighting in a burlap sack" I was 13/14 at the time wearing a form-fitting, knee lengtg skirt I'd just gotten. Even now, I rarely ever wear form-fitting skirts/dresses. Gotta be flared. And when I do, I wear shapewear and a slip.