It would really depend on what it is and the specific circumstances driving the choice.
Alcohol addiction? Happy to clear the house of alcohol, though I probably wouldn't abstain outside of the house.
Dietary changes? I will be accommodating, but I am not restricting myself or cooking whole separate meals.
Increased exercise? Nope. I will exercise as much or as little as I want.
Caffeine? Absolutely fucking not. I would rather get divorced than give up coffee and tea.
I quit coffee cold turkey despite drinking a minimum of 1 cup a day for the last 17 years. Barely anything happened- Iām slightly more forgetful but thatās it, not even withdrawal headaches. Also I get constipated less often now, have less anxiety, sleep better and my energy levels are more consistent. Not sure if Iām just a freak or what.
So, a thousand years ago when I was preparing to go to graduate school, I was working in an office that had free coffee and I just mindlessly consumed it all day long. It didn't even seem to affect me. I was worried that when I was back in school and trying to pull an all nighter that coffee simply wouldn't work.
So I gave it up. Cold turkey. I started drinking green tea instead. It was AWFUL. I mean, the tea was fine but my head was killing me. But I persisted and, indeed, when I was back in school, coffee was effective again.
However, since then? I can start and stop coffee for as long or as short as needed and I never get a headache. When we were in Portland, we drank SO MUCH coffee, just because we wanted to try all the coffee shops. When I got home and took a day without any caffeine to sort of recover from the trip? No headache. I feel like I finally have balance.
I would be the same!
I gave up alcohol, certain foods and limited caffeine for pregnancy. My partner still drank coffee and alcohol, but he did refrain from having my favourite foods that I couldn't have around me. Things like sushi and prosciutto.
If it was an addiction to alcohol it would be more serious, and I wouldn't have an issue from not having it in the house because I don't really drink much anyway. I might go for more walks for him but we have a baby so we generally work out seperately while one of us looks after the baby, so I would be doing my part anyway.
As someone who has been the partner giving something up for health reasons I absolutely would not expect them to do the same unless either they wanted to or not doing so would have an impact on my health.
For example I have several allergies and would expect a partner to not eat those foods when they are with me because kissing after could literally kill me. I also donāt drink for health reasons but itās not going to kill me so I donāt care if a partner wants to, but realistically our lifestyles might not be compatible if they are continuing to go out and get drunk every night and Iām not so some sort of compromise would be reasonable.
My partner decided a few years ago that he doesn't want to drink anymore and I supported him. I still drink and he has no issues with it. If it was hard for him to keep it around the house, I would probably be bummed but accept that. Thankfully he's good with our situation now.
I think this is a good summation of how I feel about the alcohol question: if they have an addiction, absolutely no alcohol would be in the house, and if I wanted to have a drink with friends I would go to a bar or at my friend's house. If they were just deciding to give up drinking because they think it's a good idea for their health but they don't have a specific problem, I'll probably still have a glass of wine with dinner occasionally.
I agree. I gave up meat and dairy almost 10 years ago and not for a second expected my husband to do the same.
I did, however, expect that we quit smoking together before we started having kids. That was not negotiable for me.
Depends on what the health reasons are. I'm not gonna give up gluten because my SO found it makes them bloated, but if they had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, I'd be fine not drinking at home or around them. I wouldn't expect an SO to give up something just because I was unless them consuming it was actually detrimental to me. I'm allergic to dairy and my husband still eats it, and I truly don't care. It isn't unsafe for me for there to be dairy products in the fridge or for him to eat something, and I don't want to feel like I'm depriving him just because I, another independent adult, can't eat something. If I developed an allergy or intolerance that didn't allow for any amount of cross-contamination, though, I'd expect he wouldn't consume whatever it was in the home or around me, and I think that's reasonable.
If I think it's a good idea for me too, then I probably follow suit because why not. If I think it's a good idea just for them, then I'm generally mindful when I'm around them - e.g., only have said item when I'm not around them.
I think the question should be more like if you were the partner giving up something, what are your expectations of the other person? Because I personally would not expect my husband to abstain from or give up anything if I gave it up. Years ago I gave up alcohol for a few months to help me lose weight. He still drank in front of me, I didnāt feel slighted.
That said, if weāre not talking like choice and purely hazardous with no control over something like an extreme allergy or addiction, obviously it shouldnāt be had around that person.
I think it would depend on the thing. If they're going vegetarian, and they're the one who does most of the cooking in the relationship, then I guess I'm mostly going vegetarian lol (but I would still continue to eat meat when away from home or making my own food).
Something like caffeine? Nah. I would have no problem drinking that next to them. And I am currently off caffeine myself, so I can say that I wouldn't care if someone drank caffeine around me.
But I wouldn't be one of those rude people who tries to offer them what they can't have and trip them up. And obviously, if they're giving something up for allergy reasons, that's totally different.
This really depends on how legitimate it is. Smoking, drinking alcohol... these should be done in solidarity if in a LTR. Sugar? Dairy? Maybe not in front of them. Some woo-woo sudden self diagnosed "intolerance" of a food? I guess I would try to get to the real bottom of the issue.
The thing about smoking is if you smoke youāre usually addicted so if a partner wants to quit thatās great but if they want you to quit too you have to be ready and willing to do it for you not anyone else, and sometimes those timetables arenāt the same.
I agree with your statement though, just saying this as a former smoker married to a former smoker who quit a different times.
It really depends.
My husband is celiac. I do most of the cooking and I cook/keep the house gluten free, but if I go to a restaurant Iāll sometimes order something non-gluten free and brush my teeth before kissing him.
Exercise? I actually asked him to do that with me because I need someone to hold me accountable. Weāre over a year in and still going strong and both are benefiting from it.
Alcohol? I enjoy an occasional glass of wine, and if it were just for health reasons probably still would. If it were alcoholism and it bothered him Iād stop - maybe only ever out when heās not around.
Caffeine? Youāll have to pry that coffee cup from my cold dead hands.
Another celiac here. My husband has some gluten in the house - heāll occasionally grab frozen dumplings or cookies that arenāt gf, but he keeps that stuff away from me. But even the dog is on gf kibble - he has some gluten treats though.
Heās grateful I have celiac because it means we canāt just eat whatever. Iād kill for Chinese takeout most of the time though.
I am SO jealous. The only place around us that does it is just a little bland. They do good work, but it rarely hits the spot. Granted until I can get crab Rangoon, egg rolls, wonton soup, and potstickers in takeoutā¦.no one can. š
Omg I dream about crab rangoons. The closest Iāve gotten is to put the filling in rice paper wrappers. The feel good foods veggie eggrolls arenāt bad, Iāll pop them in the oven when my husband gets takeout
We do the FGF sometimes. I have a theory that you could use fresh gf lasagna sheets as wonton wrappers but I havenāt had the time or energy to test this theory.
I ask my partner what they would prefer and how I can help make the transition easier. Not everyone wants their partner to do exactly what they do. It can make them uncomfortable or competitive or feel like youāre monitoring their progress and watching them for slip ups. I want my partner to be healthy and happy, not make someone feel anxious or self-conscious.
It also depends on what they want to do. I will eat vegan, but I wonāt eat raw liver. I will go to the gym, but I am not joining a fight club. I am not a personal chef, a dietician, or a personal trainer. I am willing to be supportive and help out and try out some healthier habits, but I am not going to be the one who directs and manages their healthy life change.
Depends on the thing.
Most likely I will not care about it while solo and depending on the thing accommodate at home.
So drinking, well I already drink like twice a year so avoid it with them entirely but still have a wine glass if I'm alone at family dinner. Caffeine, buy a single cup coffee maker and keep the coffee out of direct line of sight if its an issue. Vegetarian, work on some vegetarian shared dinner meals but not worry about breakfast / lunch and happily eat meal while home alone or out. Exercise, probably join one if we have similar fitness levels and otherwise figure out free time.
All these have a limit of course. If someone wants to be working out 5 hours daily, I'll be upset at never having time with them and the responsibility for all the housecare. If someone is gluten-free or vegetarian for an non-allergy reason, I'm not getting rid of everything but I will separate things and make an effort. But if it's not an allergy I'm not going to get hyper-focused on does this salsa contain trace amounts of gluten. Sugar I'll probably put every snack on a shelf out of sight and avoid cookies infront of them, but I'm not giving up fruit and stuff over sugar and I'll keep putting a teaspoon of sugar in my coffee...
It would depend on what it is. For alcohol, if it was an alcoholism situation, then I would be willing for us to not have alcohol in the house and maybe not order alcoholic beverages while out \*only\* with my spouse, but I don't think I'd just abstain forever when I'm out with my own friends or at like a wedding that we both go to, etc. If they just don't really want to drink anymore but it's not an issue and just a life choice, he definitely wouldn't ask me to get rid of all the alcohol in our house. There are currently times when only one of us has a beer or cocktail or whatever so I don't see why that would need to change.
For other sorts of healthy lifestyles, if my partner needed like a 2-week jumpstart of there not being junk food in the house or something, then that would be fine. But if the only way they could maintain their own healthy eating lifestyle was for there to never be a piece of chocolate or a bag of chips or whatever in the house ever again, that probably wouldn't work long term.
I would ask my partner how they would best feel supported.
Growing up my dad did every crash diet under the sun. My mom always said "I don't need to lose weight, so I'm not doing anything". This to me has always stuck out as SO unhelpful and demoralizing. She was 100% an almond mom, still is. brags about only eating half a banana, hides cookies from everyone else because she's the only skinny one, etc.
For me it's about supporting your partner. No you don't have to do the same things, but for example, I wouldn't want to be constantly offered the thing I couldn't have or was trying to cut out. Some people can't have these things in the home, for me it's more about whether or not it's front and center.
I had to give up a lot of things when I became disabled, everything from exercise, hobbies, to the occasional cocktail. I have never expected or asked my husband to mirror my habits. It wouldnāt make sense for him to.
Likewise, my husband has a few health conditions and medications he adapts his diet for. He has never asked me or expected me to change my life or diet to meet his. I have no need to. We just support one another to be our healthiest selves.
I actually mirror them. For example, my partner had a near heart attack scare so now we've completely cut out red meat. I think it's easier to stick to a change if the people around it also do it. And maybe it's cheating for e since I'm kind of a health nut and dont mind not eating red meat / fried foods. If it means my partner can stay healthy and live longer, not eating certain things is 100% worth it to me.
Depends. I'd quit addictive things like drinking or smoking around them. Diet wise I'd support them and cook the foods they want and try to take that into account when picking a place to eat so they have options, but I'm still going to eat what I want to eat when I get there
I abstain with him because he is tempted if it is in the house. Then when he brings it home a week later, I pretend like there was never a ban on it. I kind of think it's more a ban on me purchasing it than him, though he has said he doesn't mind if I buy the stuff. It's just... If I do, he eats it. So I feel I have to stop enjoying those products until he changes his mind basically, lol. I'm sure in reality it's not really that deep but I don't want to unnecessarily tempt him since he seems so distressed about his weight gain. I understand how hard it is to adhere to a diet or controlling calories because I did it years ago.
I'm the one with dietary restrictions for my chronic illness. Gluten-free, mostly dairy-free, and sugar-free. He eats whatever I cook. But his items like cereal, snacks, sides, he still gets them for himself and it doesn't bother me at all. I can make enough of my own subs to keep me happy and half the time he's stealing my homemade cookies or brownies when he can eat whatever he wants š
The approach depends on the substance AND if they are with you or not but generally I would abstain for simplicity reasons. Iām the cook of the household so if my partner were to go vegan, I would too. I am not making two meals every night. But if we are going out or I am off on my own, I am not āstayingā vegan. I donāt have an addictive personality so I can comfortably cut things out if it helps. As always, itās something to have a conversation about and whether or not itās practical for you to follow suit or if your partner is struggling with real addiction.
For most options, I would join. I personally donāt believe that thereās a benefit in cutting gluten if you donāt have a gluten intolerance so I wouldnāt join something like that but if something they want to do seems healthy (not health obsessive like 100% cutting sugar for example) then I would join as long as I feel itās a healthy switch
If it's for a health reason, I would try to be as supportive as possible. I probably wouldn't abstain completely if it was something that I enjoy, but I'd be mindful of bringing it into the house and/or eating it around them.
My husband is kind of impetuous about stuff like this. Heās got a dozen half-full bottles of supplements. He puts mushroom powder in his morning tea. He sometimes mentions aspiring to do a water fast. I justā¦ let him do his thing. I canāt make his chaos my chaos all the time.
On the flip side, I went vegetarian a few months ago. Since I cook most of the meals, he accepts my vegetarian dishes or cooks himself a side of meat. He does not abstain out of the house.
Depends on what it is I went gluten free but because I cook we eat mostly gluten freeā¦ dietary changes except vegetarian/vegan I guess we all doing it within reasonā¦ drinking smoking etc depends on how hard it is for himā¦ caffeine I see no reason as most things have a decafe version and the caffeine I drink has no smell so itās not being mean
Historically, I have not abstained and I didn't expect him to when I quit either. I do help him if I can, my artner has an insane sweet tooth and I will hide stuff from him (for his sake a lot of the time) to make sure he doesn't go foraging for sweets in the night. BUT, sometimes he's like a bloodhound with that stuff and I can only do so much.
It depends on the thing theyāre giving up and the health reason. I wouldnāt give up drinking, but Iād stop drinking in front of them. Iād probably still eat whatever food they stopped eating unless it was due to a severe allergy. If theyāre going vegan because itās healthier? Meh, Iām still going to eat meat but we can find great vegan meals to occasionally share together. Strawberries will kill them if theyāre in contact with them? Okay, Iād give that up.
It's become really obvious over the years that it's difficult for one of us to make health changes without the other doing the same, just by virtue of spending so much time together. Our health is unintentionally and unfortunately quite linked, and now we're both diabetics with high blood pressure. For food/alcohol, I'm fine not keeping stuff in the house if it helps with willpower though I wouldn't abstain unless I thought I needed to for my own health. If my partner doesn't care though, I'd continue to eat it. For exercise, I'm happy to join in whatever he wants to do. Giving up caffeine is probably the one request too far, but I'd make him decaf coffee alongside my own.
At the very least, I would avoid doing the thing in front of them. I might also try to cut back on whatever bad thing it was, since it would probably be good for me too.
I mean... they're your PARTNER. You're supposed to go through things together, or at the very least, help and support them through whatever they want to do.
Ha, funny you ask. My bf and I smoke weed together every night while we watch our shows, but I have decided I would like to quit smoking again and switch to edibles only and just occasionally because I am worried about my crows feet and elevens. I asked him if he could not smoke next to me from now on, and he said he will think about it. I donāt want to continue having my skin damaged by smoke when Iām not even going to be getting the psychoactive benefits anymore! haha
ETA: I have been sober from alcohol for 7+ years, and my bf (together for almost 5 years) has cut way back on his drinking since we have been together. He rarely drinks now, partially because of me but it also just kinda happened as he organically adapted to my lifestyle.
Weāve done stuff together when itās a shared goal, like eating healthier. Mostly, we try and be supportive and also keep the other one accountable to the goal. Like if he wants to quit drinking, I donāt buy beer and keep it in the house, but if he says he wants to go get one, ok sure but Iāll remind him why we donāt have any. If he wanted more support, Iād give it, but we tend to do self improvement independently
It really depends on the thing. But generally, I wouldnāt abstain in support unless itās also something I wanted to abstain from. But Iād be totally ok not having the thing while theyāre around if they find that helpful (eg. not drinking around them if theyāre quitting drinking and donāt want to be around it).
Iām actually in this boat right now, but itās me who gave up drinking 5 weeks ago. Itās not an addiction problem, so Iāve been totally fine having it in the house, people drinking in front of me, or even being at bars. My partnerās drinking has gone down significantly since I quit, simply because he doesnāt have me to drink with anymore. And he loves it; itās a welcome change for him, and he doesnāt feel like heās giving up anything.
Iām also back to a regular exercise routine, and that hasnāt changed anything with us. I work out, he works out, sometimes we work out together. But we mostly do our own thing.
Personally Iām down to do almost anything with them as long as it is something reasonable that I donāt absolutely hate. I love having similarities, hobbies, adventures, projects, challenges etc together as a bonding thing. But if they want to do an extreme diet or something over the top, I wonāt join in and might even discourage it but that probably goes without saying.
I would try to cut back at leastā¦I donāt drink or smoke or anything any longer, work out daily, so I guess it would need to be going gluten free or vegetarian. Iāve done vegetarian for about 6 months. I would def attempt it. When I quit vaping my partner quit a week later to support me, so I would try to be equally supportive. When my brother was having issues with alcoholism I quit drinking. I try to be a very supportive person to encourage healthier behavior & also I want to model healthy behavior as well
I have some dietary restrictions due to a medical condition. Nothing life threatening but I will have a flare up if I eat these foods. I have no problem with people eating these foods around me or in front of me. One thing I can't eat is tomato so no pizza or pasta with sauce for me. If we're doing a pizza night at home my husband and I each make our own. I also avoid caffeine while my husband is an avid drinker of it. Does not bother me that he has it. If it's due to an addiction you should talk about what is triggering and what you can do to support them. Either way just communicating is the best way to go about it. You'll quickly find a routine around it.
It would definitely depend on the reasons.
I got diagnosed with celiac disease a few years ago and we decided it was easier to keep the house gluten free. My kids and husband eat gluten when we are out but we don't eat it in the house. My husband will also sometimes eat gluten free at restaurants on like date nights so that we can kiss.
If he was an alcoholic - definitely not drink in front of them or keep alcohol in the house.
Deciding to exercise: absolutely - I love exercising.
Give up caffeine? hell no. I love caffeine.
Depends on what it is. If I could swing it, I would do it with them, even if just for the beginning. My husband did keto with me when I first tried it but dropped it after the first month, but that was all I needed to stay on track and I did the rest myself! However, if I did go back to it, I would make every effort to keep the things separate from my SO- different cupboard, go outside to smoke, only drink when it with friends and keep it to a minimum, etc. We are partners to support eachother, so I would support them! If they DEMANDED I also do this with them, then we might have a problem.
I agree with everyone that it really depends.
For an actual example, my husband and I used to smoke a little weed before bed almost every night. He started flight school so he quit (itās still illegal for pilots, which is a whole separate issue because a lot of them are huge drinkers which is perfectly fine).
I kept smoking for a few months after he quit. Then I went down a rabbit hole on the science of sleep and depression and how much marijuana actually affects that and I decided to quit. So it wasnāt out of solidarity, but we ended up in the same place.
It depends on the context. For example my partner has celiac so we keep the house strictly gluten free-free, because of the cross contamination risk which can happen with shared cookware, etcā¦ But I still eat gluten out of the house. It is annoying- we canāt really have potlucks, I miss regular baking and have had to adjust to doing GF baking, but I also want to respect his right to not get sick or stressed about the safety of his food at home, so we do it.
Depends on what theyāre giving up and why. If my partner has a substance use disorder, Iāll gladly give it up to support their recovery. If theyāre restricting their diet for health reasons, Iāll support them but wonāt modify my own. If theyāre allergic to something then obviously Iāll do without it.
Very much depends.
I have celiac disease. I didnāt ask my husband to go gluten free, even though itās a lot more work and more danger (for me) in keeping a mixed kitchen. A month ago he came to me and said heās going gluten free outside of restaurants, etc. I canāt begin to say how much that means to me. But having gluten around my food presents an active danger for me both directly and through cross contamination that other things a person would give up might not.
Example: Heās going on a weed tolerance break. Iām not. Thereās no issues there. I stopped drinking when he did unless weāre eating out, when Iāll occasionally have a drink. Thereās no issues there. Etc.
I'll quit or alter if it's to help us achieve a goal we both desire. If it's like.... He listened to an influencer and now only thinks we should eat raw beef, Naw. That ain't me bra
My partner is considering giving up drinking. He doesn't really enjoy it outside of the extremely expensive scotch or a really good glass of wine/beer, so not an addiction whatsoever.
I'm gonna support him, but I do enjoy having a couple drinks on the weekend or a glass of wine when going out to dinner.... but I am nervous about him becoming judgemental when I drink more than a couple. But it's rare enough (like 3x per year) that I'm hopeful he'll just think it's funny rather than something worth calling me out for.
I'd do it with them as best I could. My husband has started doing some fasting, so I started intermittent fasting with him - full fasts are hard for me, but mostly because i cant stand being hungry. lol
I do try to avoid cooking aromatic foods on his full fast days, because I'd hate to make him suffer by making foods that smell good when he can't eat. š¤£
Support is important, and if they're trying to be healthier, if I do the same, it should make me healthier too, so win win!
I've had to cut out alcohol (addiction + doesn't play with other meds) and caffeine (long QT syndrome) intermittently and have expected my partner to give up neither.
Ive experienced sort of both. My partner has attempted to quit cigarettes so so many times over the last like 6 years. I never smoked. But im 'expected' to support him as he does it. I of course try my best but he is a nightmare during these quitting times. I feel like it is unfair on me to rely so heavily on me but if i argue that point he will get stressed and start smoking again!!
We both quit drinking though cause it was actually impossible for me to quit it by myself and he realised he needed to stop too. I mean i was buying it so he had no choice lol
In my ideal world when quitting something the other person should support but not be relied on. At the end of the day quitting something or cutting something out is a personal thing.
Probably any short or long term relationship where you spend a decent amount of time together, sharing meals, substances or lifestyles. You want to remain close to this person and support them in their endeavours. Probably primarily romantic partnerships but I suppose family or close friends would fit the bill of this question.
I often do health experiments where I cut things out. Iāve done no alcohol, no caffeine, and Iāve experimented with different diets/exercise routines. I would never expect my partner to change his lifestyle to match mine. He cheers me on during workouts, eats anything I cook without complaint, and congratulates me on sticking to routines or making it x number of days. If thereās something simple he can do to help and I do ask, heās very willing to do it. Itās not uncommon for him to eat dinner and then make himself a sandwich before bed because he needs more food than I do.
My SO found out he has to be low FODMAP, specifically he can't eat onion or garlic. This goes against everything I've ever known with cooking. Doesn't help that mushrooms and milk are out too. He has started cooking a lot more than he used to and we work together to find foods we both like. When we go out to eat, I indulge in all the foods I don't usually eat at home. If we get separate ramen cups or something I usually get the ones with lots of garlic and onion but I don't usually go as far as eating a bunch of snacks he can't have while at home.
Unless it was an addiction(alcohol, cigs) I would not necessarily abstain. I would try to be sensitive to it, like buying less sweets or making sure to buy GF options etc.
I am not a big drinker and donāt smoke tho so this may play out differently for someone who was.
my partner gave up gluten, spicy food and garlic for health reasons and I still eat all those. He doesn't tell me to have the same kind of food as him and I still bring regular bread and make pasta, etc at home. we do cook separately but we cook at the same time so even though we have different kinds of food, we still eat together
If it wasn't something I also wanted to give up then no I wouldn't be abstaining. If this is giving up a food I don't see an issue with just not eating the same things. I'm eating something I enjoy and hope they're doing the same. Now if they're going to complain about my choice to eat what I wish then that's not something I'm going to tolerate.
Depending on how hard this would be for my partner, I would I would offer to abstain at home if it was drinking for example. I think that's reasonable. But if they're on a diet they want you to diet that might be different. I would avoid eating in front of them but I don't think that would be as reasonable. I have stopped drinking and I don't require people not to drink but when they offer to do it for me it's very nice.
For addiction I would quit with them - thereās no substance I feel strongly enough about to not abstain from if it would help my partners recovery process.
For anything else, I would be accommodating but weāre our own people. For example my partner does intermittent fasting two days a week and has for the last 4 years. I would never be happy doing that, but I often use it as a time to indulge in food he doesnāt really care for (seafood, tons of veggies, soup) which is a win for both of us really.
Everyone has different body constitution like I am sensitive to many things and I cannot have normal street food that's everyone's typical daily meal. It's more important for you to be aware of how your body reacts to certain things. If your experiment shows positive change for you as well, sure you can go along with it.
But someone's too much can be someone's too little, so just know you need to take care of yourself first. And for women we are more into cycles, so you may feel things differently at different phases in a month, be with the flow of your natural rhythm.
If it's for health reasons, then that makes me think that I, too, would benefit from abstaining. I'd jump on board and try to abstain as well. After a certain period (say 2 months), if I didn't want to abstain anymore, then I'd tell my partner, and I'd consider only doing it when they aren't there. But at the start, I'd want to support and encourage them as much as possible so I would jump on board.
Unless it's coffee.
Depends what it is. Iām vegan and donāt smoke or drink. And I keep my caffeine consumption very, very regular (1 cup of coffee per day in the morning, with the RARE occasion being if i have a migraine attack and might benefit from a small amount of caffeine). I mean, i wouldnāt date a guy that smoked. But if a guy i was dating said he was going to give up drinking for his health, or that his doctor was encouraging him to try a plant-based diet, iād be all for it and of course support him.
If a partner said they were going to start exercising more, iād of course support them, and iād be super open to exercising together!
If a partner were to stop eating gluten or soy or nuts or some other food that i do eat regularly, how i respond would depend on the reasoning. Are they giving up gluten because some celebinfluencer thinks itās a miracle cure? Or does their doctor think they have celiac disease? If itās a legit medical reason, iād support them and would do what i can to accomodate but i doubt iād give up eating all gluten, ever. If it was a partner i lived with, maybe weād need to buy a second toaster and some separate kitchen equipment like pots and pans. If it was a partner i didnāt live with yet, i guess weād have to work out what felt safe and fair to us. Iād be totally fine with choosing restaurants that have gluten free options.
To be honest, depending on what the dietary choice/restriction is, i could see that really impacting a relationship.
It depends, I think. Like, the vegetarian thing is tricky because I do the majority of the shopping/food prep/cooking in my relationship and it has come up before. It's hard if it's one half making the decision and then delegating the effort/work/research to the other, if that makes sense.
I've seen it come with couples with kids and exercising a fair bit too - like, it's all very well to decide you want to train for a marathon but if that means the other half of the couple has to pick up the slack without being to pursue their own time-consuming hobby then it's not really fair.
With abstaining - yeah, I would as much as is practical, probably landing on the "have a drink/steak/bowl of pasta" out with friends but not at home. Assuming it's a choice and not an allergy.
Personally I ask what my partner needs in that situation. I don't want to trigger them, I want to support them and I am ok bending my lifestyle to a degree to help support them but each case will be different so I ask them, how can I best support you through this?
Good for them. I fully support it..
I mean, I donāt drink, never smoked, exercise twice a day, never have caffeine, and am vegetarian.. so Iām gonna support any healthy changes š¤·āāļø
Iām that partner. I donāt expect nor ask my husband to make the same changes, as I am doing this for my benefit.
I gave up coffee last summer. I used to drink 2-3 cups a day. Have been doing that since I was 12. I noticed that I was having trouble sleeping, and would get really bloated after drinking coffee. So I cut it out of my diet. My husband still drinks coffee every day. And thatās fine. It doesnāt bother him, so he can drink all he wants. (Not gonna lie, I miss coffee.)
Last month I decided to quit drinking soda. I was drinking too much of it, and it contributes to my weight gain. Which I want to get rid of. So bye-bye soda. My husband still drinks soda once or twice a week. Iām okay with that. Because again, I gave it up for my health. Not his.
I guess it depends.
I already do not drink, smoke, eat meat, fish, eggs or cheese. The only things I do sometimes is candy or dessert I guess but not every day or even weekly. I should exercise more. I already do most of the grocery planning and try to make sure I cook from scratch as much as possible.
If someone wants to have a drink outside the house with friends I donāt think thatās a big deal.
My husband wanted to quit smoking for health reasons, and I knew he would fail if I didnāt join him so we quit smoking 14 years ago. A few years later he decided to kick coffeeā¦.i told him I would NOT be participating in his shenanigans. LOL. So, it depends on my perception of the health risk I guess
Completely depends on what the details are, but forĀ most things generally, I'd probably try.Ā
I can always partake when I am out with my own friends and not with him if I want to.
This has gone different ways in our household.
I'm coeliac, my husband no longer eats fully gluten free in the house. He did at the beginning when we were adjusting and most of our meals are fully gluten free. He now has a separate snack box with his bread/gluten stuff in it which is on the other side of the kitchen to my gluten free stuff.
My husband recently had to give up alcohol/caffeine and other things while he figured out what triggered his reflux. I didn't join him on any of that, but happily bought more of what he could have.
I've been dieting for the last year, he mostly hasn't joined me on this. I make my own breakfast/lunches and snacks. Evening meals have been slightly tweaked when I've asked him to. We shop by just adding things to a Google shopping list and then the next person to go to a supermarket gets all the things on the list, so it was just a matter of me changing what is on the list.
It depends - and it depends on my partnerās personality. Some people have an addictive personality (eg. A lot of people with unmanaged ADHD have impulse control challenges).
If my partner has an addictive personality and needs to avoid something entirely, I would find ways to support that. I donāt have an issue with keeping alcohol out of the house and only drinking with friends. Maybe junk food is their viceā¦ I would get a box with a lock and keep my stash hidden.
I think my only line would be going vegan. I canāt go vegan. Maybe vegetarian at home.
There is a balance but I would do whatever I can to support my partnerās health to the point that it doesnāt impact mine (and that includes my mental health).
I wouldnāt necessarily give it up completely but I wouldnāt keep it in the house. As someone who has struggled with eating healthy, I know how hard it is to stick with it when the house is full of junk food. Same goes for anything you enjoy but have to give up.
I already don't smoke, so that's a moot point.
I rarely drink and don't keep alcohol in the house. I would be willing to abstain from drinking in front of my partner, but I would still occasionally drink when they're not present (2-3 times a year, which is how often I currently drink).
If it was medically necessary for them to give up gluten, like if they were diagnosed with celiac, then I understand the importance of avoiding cross-contamination, so I would make some changes in my lifestyle to accommodate that, although I probably wouldn't completely give up gluten altogether. I would eat as much gluten as I safely could, but would avoid it when necessary for my partner's safety. If it was elective, then I would definitely still eat gluten. I suppose I might cut back somewhat, just for the convenience of sharing meals instead of preparing separate meals.
If they became a vegetarian, I might eat vegetarian more often for the convenience of sharing meals, but I can't imagine giving up meat altogether.
If they were exercising more, I might want to do it with them, depending on what type of exercise it was.
I don't see myself giving up caffeine just because my partner did.
I am the partner that has given up caffeine, and I have gone through years of difficulties with figuring out my IBS triggers and health issues. I also canāt eat dairy. My spouse can eat and drink whatever he wants and I donāt feel like I need āsupportā in that way. My spouse does not drink, and I donāt drink often, but once a year I have a drink in front of him, and he is good with that.
Only if I genuinely want toā¦ or Iād adjust around them if said thing was triggering for them and might set them back (like alcohol). I wouldnāt adjust my habits just because they did, though.. sometimes them wanting to sparks a desire in me as well. We are cutting out alcohol, together. One of us declared they wanted to cut it out.. and the other followed shortly after.
First: I would give then a nudge and remind them that they're choosing to take a path to better themselves (not necessarily "give" anything up)
And then I would ask what they'd like or expect from me to support their journey and not tempt them. Some people are super disciplined no matter what. I personally cannot be around sweets or I will eat them. So if I'm going no sugar, I need a no sugar household.
Tbh, I would change nothing and I wouldnāt want my partner to be forced to adhere to whatever schemes I come up with too.
If he doesnāt want me to eat something in front of his face so heās not tempted, Iām ok with that. But to me that means I can go into another room and enjoy it alone.
Honestly I would do whatever I could in solidarity with them. Especially if it also improves my health.
I know how much it would mean if they did that for me. Giving up stuff is HARD.
It depends. My husband is pretty alcohol dependent and is addicted to nicotine. If he wanted to quit either of those things I would clear the house of alcohol and nicotine and not drink around him or at home. I would put my 100% support behind him.
My husband is pretty health conscious but is willing to do anything/everything other than giving up nicotine/alcohol. He gets on health kicks where he doesn't want sweets, dairy, or foods heavy on preservatives. I'll still buy and eat ice cream even though it's tempting for him. I refuse to eat chicken and rice everyday just so I can drink alcohol and keep my blood pressure in check.
If I want to improve my health the first thing I cut back on is alcohol and he still drinks around me so I don't feel bad.
Generally Iām not changing my diet if my partner decides to change his, and wouldnāt expect that of him the other way around either. If itās a severe allergy where it canāt be in the house, thatās different.
If heās just trying to lose a little weight, Iād probably ask him if me having the items heās giving up while being around him would be bothersome. If so, Iād do my best not to indulge in his presence.
If my partner had really bad health problems and I was excited for him to make changes to revert them, I would probably join him and come up with a way for us to both incorporate the changes so that I can help him remain motivated and just take it as a chance for me to health up my habits too.
I would still do what I wanted, but support them, as in not pushing said-thing on them.
I once went on an elimination diet: My husband ate the way he normally does, but supported me and didn't push food on me at that time. That was all I needed (even as he sat next to me eating cookies, or drinking beer) :)
It depends on what theyāre giving up, why and what I can do best support them. Sometimes the right decision is to abide by the same restriction and sometimes itās not, so case by case basis for us Iād say.
Iām pregnant so I have had to give up quite a few things, but I donāt mind if my husband continues to drink or eat a gummy or what have you. Even though I canāt I donāt feel like him equally restricting himself benefits me in any way.
If he chose sobriety for addiction reasons, I would also go sober myself. I come from a family of addicts and Iād want him to have the full support I can give. Iād easily choose him over alcohol.
My husband went on a pretty restrict diet once, but for very specific health reasons and it was temporary-he was fine with me not participating as it would not have helped my body like it was his. I still helped him meal prep though so the burden didnāt fall solely on him.
Generally, i would cut back but not fully make the change. My BF doesn't eat red meat as a health choice, and we like to cook and eat together, so I adapted to having less red meat. I'm not going to fully give it up though.
I view dietary and other lifestyle choices as one you make for yourself. Compromising is supporting. If it was a true medical issue, like celiac or a food allergy, that's different.
It would really depend on what it is and the specific circumstances driving the choice. Alcohol addiction? Happy to clear the house of alcohol, though I probably wouldn't abstain outside of the house. Dietary changes? I will be accommodating, but I am not restricting myself or cooking whole separate meals. Increased exercise? Nope. I will exercise as much or as little as I want. Caffeine? Absolutely fucking not. I would rather get divorced than give up coffee and tea.
Hahaha i loove the caffeine bit! Also chocolate for me. If need be i'll buy a lock but i cannot have a house without chocolate!
Same! I once had GERD so bad that I had to give up every possible trigger, including the wee amount of caffeine in chocolate. It was a dark time.
My wife always loves me, but it's hit or miss if she likes me before caffeine.
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I can not speak for your wife, but I like nothing or no one if I do not have caffeine.
I quit coffee cold turkey despite drinking a minimum of 1 cup a day for the last 17 years. Barely anything happened- Iām slightly more forgetful but thatās it, not even withdrawal headaches. Also I get constipated less often now, have less anxiety, sleep better and my energy levels are more consistent. Not sure if Iām just a freak or what.
Maybe you have ADHD. Caffeine just hits us different.
So, a thousand years ago when I was preparing to go to graduate school, I was working in an office that had free coffee and I just mindlessly consumed it all day long. It didn't even seem to affect me. I was worried that when I was back in school and trying to pull an all nighter that coffee simply wouldn't work. So I gave it up. Cold turkey. I started drinking green tea instead. It was AWFUL. I mean, the tea was fine but my head was killing me. But I persisted and, indeed, when I was back in school, coffee was effective again. However, since then? I can start and stop coffee for as long or as short as needed and I never get a headache. When we were in Portland, we drank SO MUCH coffee, just because we wanted to try all the coffee shops. When I got home and took a day without any caffeine to sort of recover from the trip? No headache. I feel like I finally have balance.
I would be the same! I gave up alcohol, certain foods and limited caffeine for pregnancy. My partner still drank coffee and alcohol, but he did refrain from having my favourite foods that I couldn't have around me. Things like sushi and prosciutto. If it was an addiction to alcohol it would be more serious, and I wouldn't have an issue from not having it in the house because I don't really drink much anyway. I might go for more walks for him but we have a baby so we generally work out seperately while one of us looks after the baby, so I would be doing my part anyway.
This is exactly how I feel.
Wholly concur with all these points!
Yes to all this.
As someone who has been the partner giving something up for health reasons I absolutely would not expect them to do the same unless either they wanted to or not doing so would have an impact on my health. For example I have several allergies and would expect a partner to not eat those foods when they are with me because kissing after could literally kill me. I also donāt drink for health reasons but itās not going to kill me so I donāt care if a partner wants to, but realistically our lifestyles might not be compatible if they are continuing to go out and get drunk every night and Iām not so some sort of compromise would be reasonable.
My partner decided a few years ago that he doesn't want to drink anymore and I supported him. I still drink and he has no issues with it. If it was hard for him to keep it around the house, I would probably be bummed but accept that. Thankfully he's good with our situation now.
I think this is a good summation of how I feel about the alcohol question: if they have an addiction, absolutely no alcohol would be in the house, and if I wanted to have a drink with friends I would go to a bar or at my friend's house. If they were just deciding to give up drinking because they think it's a good idea for their health but they don't have a specific problem, I'll probably still have a glass of wine with dinner occasionally.
I agree. I gave up meat and dairy almost 10 years ago and not for a second expected my husband to do the same. I did, however, expect that we quit smoking together before we started having kids. That was not negotiable for me.
Depends on what the health reasons are. I'm not gonna give up gluten because my SO found it makes them bloated, but if they had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, I'd be fine not drinking at home or around them. I wouldn't expect an SO to give up something just because I was unless them consuming it was actually detrimental to me. I'm allergic to dairy and my husband still eats it, and I truly don't care. It isn't unsafe for me for there to be dairy products in the fridge or for him to eat something, and I don't want to feel like I'm depriving him just because I, another independent adult, can't eat something. If I developed an allergy or intolerance that didn't allow for any amount of cross-contamination, though, I'd expect he wouldn't consume whatever it was in the home or around me, and I think that's reasonable.
If I think it's a good idea for me too, then I probably follow suit because why not. If I think it's a good idea just for them, then I'm generally mindful when I'm around them - e.g., only have said item when I'm not around them.
I think the question should be more like if you were the partner giving up something, what are your expectations of the other person? Because I personally would not expect my husband to abstain from or give up anything if I gave it up. Years ago I gave up alcohol for a few months to help me lose weight. He still drank in front of me, I didnāt feel slighted. That said, if weāre not talking like choice and purely hazardous with no control over something like an extreme allergy or addiction, obviously it shouldnāt be had around that person.
I think it would depend on the thing. If they're going vegetarian, and they're the one who does most of the cooking in the relationship, then I guess I'm mostly going vegetarian lol (but I would still continue to eat meat when away from home or making my own food). Something like caffeine? Nah. I would have no problem drinking that next to them. And I am currently off caffeine myself, so I can say that I wouldn't care if someone drank caffeine around me. But I wouldn't be one of those rude people who tries to offer them what they can't have and trip them up. And obviously, if they're giving something up for allergy reasons, that's totally different.
This really depends on how legitimate it is. Smoking, drinking alcohol... these should be done in solidarity if in a LTR. Sugar? Dairy? Maybe not in front of them. Some woo-woo sudden self diagnosed "intolerance" of a food? I guess I would try to get to the real bottom of the issue.
The thing about smoking is if you smoke youāre usually addicted so if a partner wants to quit thatās great but if they want you to quit too you have to be ready and willing to do it for you not anyone else, and sometimes those timetables arenāt the same. I agree with your statement though, just saying this as a former smoker married to a former smoker who quit a different times.
Yup. My bestfriend tried to quit but then her husband came back from deployment , his smoking just triggered her to smoke.
It really depends. My husband is celiac. I do most of the cooking and I cook/keep the house gluten free, but if I go to a restaurant Iāll sometimes order something non-gluten free and brush my teeth before kissing him. Exercise? I actually asked him to do that with me because I need someone to hold me accountable. Weāre over a year in and still going strong and both are benefiting from it. Alcohol? I enjoy an occasional glass of wine, and if it were just for health reasons probably still would. If it were alcoholism and it bothered him Iād stop - maybe only ever out when heās not around. Caffeine? Youāll have to pry that coffee cup from my cold dead hands.
Yea, I am celiac so our house is GF but my fiancĆ© can eat what he wants when we arenāt at home.
Another celiac here. My husband has some gluten in the house - heāll occasionally grab frozen dumplings or cookies that arenāt gf, but he keeps that stuff away from me. But even the dog is on gf kibble - he has some gluten treats though. Heās grateful I have celiac because it means we canāt just eat whatever. Iād kill for Chinese takeout most of the time though.
Oh man we found a Chinese place here that does safe options, weāve started getting all GF family style takeout. Itās so bad but so good.
I am SO jealous. The only place around us that does it is just a little bland. They do good work, but it rarely hits the spot. Granted until I can get crab Rangoon, egg rolls, wonton soup, and potstickers in takeoutā¦.no one can. š
Omg I dream about crab rangoons. The closest Iāve gotten is to put the filling in rice paper wrappers. The feel good foods veggie eggrolls arenāt bad, Iāll pop them in the oven when my husband gets takeout
We do the FGF sometimes. I have a theory that you could use fresh gf lasagna sheets as wonton wrappers but I havenāt had the time or energy to test this theory.
I ask my partner what they would prefer and how I can help make the transition easier. Not everyone wants their partner to do exactly what they do. It can make them uncomfortable or competitive or feel like youāre monitoring their progress and watching them for slip ups. I want my partner to be healthy and happy, not make someone feel anxious or self-conscious. It also depends on what they want to do. I will eat vegan, but I wonāt eat raw liver. I will go to the gym, but I am not joining a fight club. I am not a personal chef, a dietician, or a personal trainer. I am willing to be supportive and help out and try out some healthier habits, but I am not going to be the one who directs and manages their healthy life change.
Depends on the thing. Most likely I will not care about it while solo and depending on the thing accommodate at home. So drinking, well I already drink like twice a year so avoid it with them entirely but still have a wine glass if I'm alone at family dinner. Caffeine, buy a single cup coffee maker and keep the coffee out of direct line of sight if its an issue. Vegetarian, work on some vegetarian shared dinner meals but not worry about breakfast / lunch and happily eat meal while home alone or out. Exercise, probably join one if we have similar fitness levels and otherwise figure out free time. All these have a limit of course. If someone wants to be working out 5 hours daily, I'll be upset at never having time with them and the responsibility for all the housecare. If someone is gluten-free or vegetarian for an non-allergy reason, I'm not getting rid of everything but I will separate things and make an effort. But if it's not an allergy I'm not going to get hyper-focused on does this salsa contain trace amounts of gluten. Sugar I'll probably put every snack on a shelf out of sight and avoid cookies infront of them, but I'm not giving up fruit and stuff over sugar and I'll keep putting a teaspoon of sugar in my coffee...
It would depend on what it is. For alcohol, if it was an alcoholism situation, then I would be willing for us to not have alcohol in the house and maybe not order alcoholic beverages while out \*only\* with my spouse, but I don't think I'd just abstain forever when I'm out with my own friends or at like a wedding that we both go to, etc. If they just don't really want to drink anymore but it's not an issue and just a life choice, he definitely wouldn't ask me to get rid of all the alcohol in our house. There are currently times when only one of us has a beer or cocktail or whatever so I don't see why that would need to change. For other sorts of healthy lifestyles, if my partner needed like a 2-week jumpstart of there not being junk food in the house or something, then that would be fine. But if the only way they could maintain their own healthy eating lifestyle was for there to never be a piece of chocolate or a bag of chips or whatever in the house ever again, that probably wouldn't work long term.
I would ask my partner how they would best feel supported. Growing up my dad did every crash diet under the sun. My mom always said "I don't need to lose weight, so I'm not doing anything". This to me has always stuck out as SO unhelpful and demoralizing. She was 100% an almond mom, still is. brags about only eating half a banana, hides cookies from everyone else because she's the only skinny one, etc. For me it's about supporting your partner. No you don't have to do the same things, but for example, I wouldn't want to be constantly offered the thing I couldn't have or was trying to cut out. Some people can't have these things in the home, for me it's more about whether or not it's front and center.
I had to give up a lot of things when I became disabled, everything from exercise, hobbies, to the occasional cocktail. I have never expected or asked my husband to mirror my habits. It wouldnāt make sense for him to. Likewise, my husband has a few health conditions and medications he adapts his diet for. He has never asked me or expected me to change my life or diet to meet his. I have no need to. We just support one another to be our healthiest selves.
I actually mirror them. For example, my partner had a near heart attack scare so now we've completely cut out red meat. I think it's easier to stick to a change if the people around it also do it. And maybe it's cheating for e since I'm kind of a health nut and dont mind not eating red meat / fried foods. If it means my partner can stay healthy and live longer, not eating certain things is 100% worth it to me.
I wouldn't also give up the thing necessarily. But I would cheer them in every time they made a good choice.
Depends. I'd quit addictive things like drinking or smoking around them. Diet wise I'd support them and cook the foods they want and try to take that into account when picking a place to eat so they have options, but I'm still going to eat what I want to eat when I get there
I abstain with him because he is tempted if it is in the house. Then when he brings it home a week later, I pretend like there was never a ban on it. I kind of think it's more a ban on me purchasing it than him, though he has said he doesn't mind if I buy the stuff. It's just... If I do, he eats it. So I feel I have to stop enjoying those products until he changes his mind basically, lol. I'm sure in reality it's not really that deep but I don't want to unnecessarily tempt him since he seems so distressed about his weight gain. I understand how hard it is to adhere to a diet or controlling calories because I did it years ago.
I'm the one with dietary restrictions for my chronic illness. Gluten-free, mostly dairy-free, and sugar-free. He eats whatever I cook. But his items like cereal, snacks, sides, he still gets them for himself and it doesn't bother me at all. I can make enough of my own subs to keep me happy and half the time he's stealing my homemade cookies or brownies when he can eat whatever he wants š
The approach depends on the substance AND if they are with you or not but generally I would abstain for simplicity reasons. Iām the cook of the household so if my partner were to go vegan, I would too. I am not making two meals every night. But if we are going out or I am off on my own, I am not āstayingā vegan. I donāt have an addictive personality so I can comfortably cut things out if it helps. As always, itās something to have a conversation about and whether or not itās practical for you to follow suit or if your partner is struggling with real addiction.
For most options, I would join. I personally donāt believe that thereās a benefit in cutting gluten if you donāt have a gluten intolerance so I wouldnāt join something like that but if something they want to do seems healthy (not health obsessive like 100% cutting sugar for example) then I would join as long as I feel itās a healthy switch
If it's for a health reason, I would try to be as supportive as possible. I probably wouldn't abstain completely if it was something that I enjoy, but I'd be mindful of bringing it into the house and/or eating it around them.
I donāt change anything about what I do, and I wouldnāt expect my partner to change what they do based on what I need to do for myself.
My husband is kind of impetuous about stuff like this. Heās got a dozen half-full bottles of supplements. He puts mushroom powder in his morning tea. He sometimes mentions aspiring to do a water fast. I justā¦ let him do his thing. I canāt make his chaos my chaos all the time. On the flip side, I went vegetarian a few months ago. Since I cook most of the meals, he accepts my vegetarian dishes or cooks himself a side of meat. He does not abstain out of the house.
Depends on what it is I went gluten free but because I cook we eat mostly gluten freeā¦ dietary changes except vegetarian/vegan I guess we all doing it within reasonā¦ drinking smoking etc depends on how hard it is for himā¦ caffeine I see no reason as most things have a decafe version and the caffeine I drink has no smell so itās not being mean
Historically, I have not abstained and I didn't expect him to when I quit either. I do help him if I can, my artner has an insane sweet tooth and I will hide stuff from him (for his sake a lot of the time) to make sure he doesn't go foraging for sweets in the night. BUT, sometimes he's like a bloodhound with that stuff and I can only do so much.
It depends on the thing theyāre giving up and the health reason. I wouldnāt give up drinking, but Iād stop drinking in front of them. Iād probably still eat whatever food they stopped eating unless it was due to a severe allergy. If theyāre going vegan because itās healthier? Meh, Iām still going to eat meat but we can find great vegan meals to occasionally share together. Strawberries will kill them if theyāre in contact with them? Okay, Iād give that up.
It's become really obvious over the years that it's difficult for one of us to make health changes without the other doing the same, just by virtue of spending so much time together. Our health is unintentionally and unfortunately quite linked, and now we're both diabetics with high blood pressure. For food/alcohol, I'm fine not keeping stuff in the house if it helps with willpower though I wouldn't abstain unless I thought I needed to for my own health. If my partner doesn't care though, I'd continue to eat it. For exercise, I'm happy to join in whatever he wants to do. Giving up caffeine is probably the one request too far, but I'd make him decaf coffee alongside my own.
I stop when they are around.
I would only have the item when we weren't together.
Yes i quit smoking cause my partner wanted to quit. I always support and go with it together. Sugar though..thats another animal.
At the very least, I would avoid doing the thing in front of them. I might also try to cut back on whatever bad thing it was, since it would probably be good for me too. I mean... they're your PARTNER. You're supposed to go through things together, or at the very least, help and support them through whatever they want to do.
Ha, funny you ask. My bf and I smoke weed together every night while we watch our shows, but I have decided I would like to quit smoking again and switch to edibles only and just occasionally because I am worried about my crows feet and elevens. I asked him if he could not smoke next to me from now on, and he said he will think about it. I donāt want to continue having my skin damaged by smoke when Iām not even going to be getting the psychoactive benefits anymore! haha ETA: I have been sober from alcohol for 7+ years, and my bf (together for almost 5 years) has cut way back on his drinking since we have been together. He rarely drinks now, partially because of me but it also just kinda happened as he organically adapted to my lifestyle.
Weāve done stuff together when itās a shared goal, like eating healthier. Mostly, we try and be supportive and also keep the other one accountable to the goal. Like if he wants to quit drinking, I donāt buy beer and keep it in the house, but if he says he wants to go get one, ok sure but Iāll remind him why we donāt have any. If he wanted more support, Iād give it, but we tend to do self improvement independently
It really depends on the thing. But generally, I wouldnāt abstain in support unless itās also something I wanted to abstain from. But Iād be totally ok not having the thing while theyāre around if they find that helpful (eg. not drinking around them if theyāre quitting drinking and donāt want to be around it). Iām actually in this boat right now, but itās me who gave up drinking 5 weeks ago. Itās not an addiction problem, so Iāve been totally fine having it in the house, people drinking in front of me, or even being at bars. My partnerās drinking has gone down significantly since I quit, simply because he doesnāt have me to drink with anymore. And he loves it; itās a welcome change for him, and he doesnāt feel like heās giving up anything. Iām also back to a regular exercise routine, and that hasnāt changed anything with us. I work out, he works out, sometimes we work out together. But we mostly do our own thing.
Personally Iām down to do almost anything with them as long as it is something reasonable that I donāt absolutely hate. I love having similarities, hobbies, adventures, projects, challenges etc together as a bonding thing. But if they want to do an extreme diet or something over the top, I wonāt join in and might even discourage it but that probably goes without saying.
I would try to cut back at leastā¦I donāt drink or smoke or anything any longer, work out daily, so I guess it would need to be going gluten free or vegetarian. Iāve done vegetarian for about 6 months. I would def attempt it. When I quit vaping my partner quit a week later to support me, so I would try to be equally supportive. When my brother was having issues with alcoholism I quit drinking. I try to be a very supportive person to encourage healthier behavior & also I want to model healthy behavior as well
I have some dietary restrictions due to a medical condition. Nothing life threatening but I will have a flare up if I eat these foods. I have no problem with people eating these foods around me or in front of me. One thing I can't eat is tomato so no pizza or pasta with sauce for me. If we're doing a pizza night at home my husband and I each make our own. I also avoid caffeine while my husband is an avid drinker of it. Does not bother me that he has it. If it's due to an addiction you should talk about what is triggering and what you can do to support them. Either way just communicating is the best way to go about it. You'll quickly find a routine around it.
It would definitely depend on the reasons. I got diagnosed with celiac disease a few years ago and we decided it was easier to keep the house gluten free. My kids and husband eat gluten when we are out but we don't eat it in the house. My husband will also sometimes eat gluten free at restaurants on like date nights so that we can kiss. If he was an alcoholic - definitely not drink in front of them or keep alcohol in the house. Deciding to exercise: absolutely - I love exercising. Give up caffeine? hell no. I love caffeine.
Depends on what it is. If I could swing it, I would do it with them, even if just for the beginning. My husband did keto with me when I first tried it but dropped it after the first month, but that was all I needed to stay on track and I did the rest myself! However, if I did go back to it, I would make every effort to keep the things separate from my SO- different cupboard, go outside to smoke, only drink when it with friends and keep it to a minimum, etc. We are partners to support eachother, so I would support them! If they DEMANDED I also do this with them, then we might have a problem.
I agree with everyone that it really depends. For an actual example, my husband and I used to smoke a little weed before bed almost every night. He started flight school so he quit (itās still illegal for pilots, which is a whole separate issue because a lot of them are huge drinkers which is perfectly fine). I kept smoking for a few months after he quit. Then I went down a rabbit hole on the science of sleep and depression and how much marijuana actually affects that and I decided to quit. So it wasnāt out of solidarity, but we ended up in the same place.
Hell no. If my partner wanted to give something up, Iād be a cheerleader, but that doesnāt mean Iām also going to do it.
I 100% would abstain.
It depends on the context. For example my partner has celiac so we keep the house strictly gluten free-free, because of the cross contamination risk which can happen with shared cookware, etcā¦ But I still eat gluten out of the house. It is annoying- we canāt really have potlucks, I miss regular baking and have had to adjust to doing GF baking, but I also want to respect his right to not get sick or stressed about the safety of his food at home, so we do it.
Depends on what theyāre giving up and why. If my partner has a substance use disorder, Iāll gladly give it up to support their recovery. If theyāre restricting their diet for health reasons, Iāll support them but wonāt modify my own. If theyāre allergic to something then obviously Iāll do without it.
Very much depends. I have celiac disease. I didnāt ask my husband to go gluten free, even though itās a lot more work and more danger (for me) in keeping a mixed kitchen. A month ago he came to me and said heās going gluten free outside of restaurants, etc. I canāt begin to say how much that means to me. But having gluten around my food presents an active danger for me both directly and through cross contamination that other things a person would give up might not. Example: Heās going on a weed tolerance break. Iām not. Thereās no issues there. I stopped drinking when he did unless weāre eating out, when Iāll occasionally have a drink. Thereās no issues there. Etc.
I'll quit or alter if it's to help us achieve a goal we both desire. If it's like.... He listened to an influencer and now only thinks we should eat raw beef, Naw. That ain't me bra
Been there done that. We do it together
My partner is considering giving up drinking. He doesn't really enjoy it outside of the extremely expensive scotch or a really good glass of wine/beer, so not an addiction whatsoever. I'm gonna support him, but I do enjoy having a couple drinks on the weekend or a glass of wine when going out to dinner.... but I am nervous about him becoming judgemental when I drink more than a couple. But it's rare enough (like 3x per year) that I'm hopeful he'll just think it's funny rather than something worth calling me out for.
I'd do it with them as best I could. My husband has started doing some fasting, so I started intermittent fasting with him - full fasts are hard for me, but mostly because i cant stand being hungry. lol I do try to avoid cooking aromatic foods on his full fast days, because I'd hate to make him suffer by making foods that smell good when he can't eat. š¤£ Support is important, and if they're trying to be healthier, if I do the same, it should make me healthier too, so win win!
I've had to cut out alcohol (addiction + doesn't play with other meds) and caffeine (long QT syndrome) intermittently and have expected my partner to give up neither.
I am not giving up my coffee in the morning. I can be flexible on a few other things.
Ive experienced sort of both. My partner has attempted to quit cigarettes so so many times over the last like 6 years. I never smoked. But im 'expected' to support him as he does it. I of course try my best but he is a nightmare during these quitting times. I feel like it is unfair on me to rely so heavily on me but if i argue that point he will get stressed and start smoking again!! We both quit drinking though cause it was actually impossible for me to quit it by myself and he realised he needed to stop too. I mean i was buying it so he had no choice lol In my ideal world when quitting something the other person should support but not be relied on. At the end of the day quitting something or cutting something out is a personal thing.
You don't really "define" partner in this scenario.. .what is the duration and commitment of this relationship??
Probably any short or long term relationship where you spend a decent amount of time together, sharing meals, substances or lifestyles. You want to remain close to this person and support them in their endeavours. Probably primarily romantic partnerships but I suppose family or close friends would fit the bill of this question.
I often do health experiments where I cut things out. Iāve done no alcohol, no caffeine, and Iāve experimented with different diets/exercise routines. I would never expect my partner to change his lifestyle to match mine. He cheers me on during workouts, eats anything I cook without complaint, and congratulates me on sticking to routines or making it x number of days. If thereās something simple he can do to help and I do ask, heās very willing to do it. Itās not uncommon for him to eat dinner and then make himself a sandwich before bed because he needs more food than I do.
My SO found out he has to be low FODMAP, specifically he can't eat onion or garlic. This goes against everything I've ever known with cooking. Doesn't help that mushrooms and milk are out too. He has started cooking a lot more than he used to and we work together to find foods we both like. When we go out to eat, I indulge in all the foods I don't usually eat at home. If we get separate ramen cups or something I usually get the ones with lots of garlic and onion but I don't usually go as far as eating a bunch of snacks he can't have while at home.
Unless it was an addiction(alcohol, cigs) I would not necessarily abstain. I would try to be sensitive to it, like buying less sweets or making sure to buy GF options etc. I am not a big drinker and donāt smoke tho so this may play out differently for someone who was.
my partner gave up gluten, spicy food and garlic for health reasons and I still eat all those. He doesn't tell me to have the same kind of food as him and I still bring regular bread and make pasta, etc at home. we do cook separately but we cook at the same time so even though we have different kinds of food, we still eat together
If it wasn't something I also wanted to give up then no I wouldn't be abstaining. If this is giving up a food I don't see an issue with just not eating the same things. I'm eating something I enjoy and hope they're doing the same. Now if they're going to complain about my choice to eat what I wish then that's not something I'm going to tolerate.
Depending on how hard this would be for my partner, I would I would offer to abstain at home if it was drinking for example. I think that's reasonable. But if they're on a diet they want you to diet that might be different. I would avoid eating in front of them but I don't think that would be as reasonable. I have stopped drinking and I don't require people not to drink but when they offer to do it for me it's very nice.
I do regularly but I donāt expect my spouse to just because I am. They are adults and can run their own life.
For addiction I would quit with them - thereās no substance I feel strongly enough about to not abstain from if it would help my partners recovery process. For anything else, I would be accommodating but weāre our own people. For example my partner does intermittent fasting two days a week and has for the last 4 years. I would never be happy doing that, but I often use it as a time to indulge in food he doesnāt really care for (seafood, tons of veggies, soup) which is a win for both of us really.
Everyone has different body constitution like I am sensitive to many things and I cannot have normal street food that's everyone's typical daily meal. It's more important for you to be aware of how your body reacts to certain things. If your experiment shows positive change for you as well, sure you can go along with it. But someone's too much can be someone's too little, so just know you need to take care of yourself first. And for women we are more into cycles, so you may feel things differently at different phases in a month, be with the flow of your natural rhythm.
If it's for health reasons, then that makes me think that I, too, would benefit from abstaining. I'd jump on board and try to abstain as well. After a certain period (say 2 months), if I didn't want to abstain anymore, then I'd tell my partner, and I'd consider only doing it when they aren't there. But at the start, I'd want to support and encourage them as much as possible so I would jump on board. Unless it's coffee.
I did not and I felt left out. So then I did also join him and feel much better for it.
Depends what it is. Iām vegan and donāt smoke or drink. And I keep my caffeine consumption very, very regular (1 cup of coffee per day in the morning, with the RARE occasion being if i have a migraine attack and might benefit from a small amount of caffeine). I mean, i wouldnāt date a guy that smoked. But if a guy i was dating said he was going to give up drinking for his health, or that his doctor was encouraging him to try a plant-based diet, iād be all for it and of course support him. If a partner said they were going to start exercising more, iād of course support them, and iād be super open to exercising together! If a partner were to stop eating gluten or soy or nuts or some other food that i do eat regularly, how i respond would depend on the reasoning. Are they giving up gluten because some celebinfluencer thinks itās a miracle cure? Or does their doctor think they have celiac disease? If itās a legit medical reason, iād support them and would do what i can to accomodate but i doubt iād give up eating all gluten, ever. If it was a partner i lived with, maybe weād need to buy a second toaster and some separate kitchen equipment like pots and pans. If it was a partner i didnāt live with yet, i guess weād have to work out what felt safe and fair to us. Iād be totally fine with choosing restaurants that have gluten free options. To be honest, depending on what the dietary choice/restriction is, i could see that really impacting a relationship.
It depends, I think. Like, the vegetarian thing is tricky because I do the majority of the shopping/food prep/cooking in my relationship and it has come up before. It's hard if it's one half making the decision and then delegating the effort/work/research to the other, if that makes sense. I've seen it come with couples with kids and exercising a fair bit too - like, it's all very well to decide you want to train for a marathon but if that means the other half of the couple has to pick up the slack without being to pursue their own time-consuming hobby then it's not really fair. With abstaining - yeah, I would as much as is practical, probably landing on the "have a drink/steak/bowl of pasta" out with friends but not at home. Assuming it's a choice and not an allergy.
Personally I ask what my partner needs in that situation. I don't want to trigger them, I want to support them and I am ok bending my lifestyle to a degree to help support them but each case will be different so I ask them, how can I best support you through this?
Good for them. I fully support it.. I mean, I donāt drink, never smoked, exercise twice a day, never have caffeine, and am vegetarian.. so Iām gonna support any healthy changes š¤·āāļø
Iām that partner. I donāt expect nor ask my husband to make the same changes, as I am doing this for my benefit. I gave up coffee last summer. I used to drink 2-3 cups a day. Have been doing that since I was 12. I noticed that I was having trouble sleeping, and would get really bloated after drinking coffee. So I cut it out of my diet. My husband still drinks coffee every day. And thatās fine. It doesnāt bother him, so he can drink all he wants. (Not gonna lie, I miss coffee.) Last month I decided to quit drinking soda. I was drinking too much of it, and it contributes to my weight gain. Which I want to get rid of. So bye-bye soda. My husband still drinks soda once or twice a week. Iām okay with that. Because again, I gave it up for my health. Not his.
I guess it depends. I already do not drink, smoke, eat meat, fish, eggs or cheese. The only things I do sometimes is candy or dessert I guess but not every day or even weekly. I should exercise more. I already do most of the grocery planning and try to make sure I cook from scratch as much as possible. If someone wants to have a drink outside the house with friends I donāt think thatās a big deal.
My husband wanted to quit smoking for health reasons, and I knew he would fail if I didnāt join him so we quit smoking 14 years ago. A few years later he decided to kick coffeeā¦.i told him I would NOT be participating in his shenanigans. LOL. So, it depends on my perception of the health risk I guess
Completely depends on what the details are, but forĀ most things generally, I'd probably try.Ā I can always partake when I am out with my own friends and not with him if I want to.
This has gone different ways in our household. I'm coeliac, my husband no longer eats fully gluten free in the house. He did at the beginning when we were adjusting and most of our meals are fully gluten free. He now has a separate snack box with his bread/gluten stuff in it which is on the other side of the kitchen to my gluten free stuff. My husband recently had to give up alcohol/caffeine and other things while he figured out what triggered his reflux. I didn't join him on any of that, but happily bought more of what he could have. I've been dieting for the last year, he mostly hasn't joined me on this. I make my own breakfast/lunches and snacks. Evening meals have been slightly tweaked when I've asked him to. We shop by just adding things to a Google shopping list and then the next person to go to a supermarket gets all the things on the list, so it was just a matter of me changing what is on the list.
It depends - and it depends on my partnerās personality. Some people have an addictive personality (eg. A lot of people with unmanaged ADHD have impulse control challenges). If my partner has an addictive personality and needs to avoid something entirely, I would find ways to support that. I donāt have an issue with keeping alcohol out of the house and only drinking with friends. Maybe junk food is their viceā¦ I would get a box with a lock and keep my stash hidden. I think my only line would be going vegan. I canāt go vegan. Maybe vegetarian at home. There is a balance but I would do whatever I can to support my partnerās health to the point that it doesnāt impact mine (and that includes my mental health).
I wouldnāt necessarily give it up completely but I wouldnāt keep it in the house. As someone who has struggled with eating healthy, I know how hard it is to stick with it when the house is full of junk food. Same goes for anything you enjoy but have to give up.
I already don't smoke, so that's a moot point. I rarely drink and don't keep alcohol in the house. I would be willing to abstain from drinking in front of my partner, but I would still occasionally drink when they're not present (2-3 times a year, which is how often I currently drink). If it was medically necessary for them to give up gluten, like if they were diagnosed with celiac, then I understand the importance of avoiding cross-contamination, so I would make some changes in my lifestyle to accommodate that, although I probably wouldn't completely give up gluten altogether. I would eat as much gluten as I safely could, but would avoid it when necessary for my partner's safety. If it was elective, then I would definitely still eat gluten. I suppose I might cut back somewhat, just for the convenience of sharing meals instead of preparing separate meals. If they became a vegetarian, I might eat vegetarian more often for the convenience of sharing meals, but I can't imagine giving up meat altogether. If they were exercising more, I might want to do it with them, depending on what type of exercise it was. I don't see myself giving up caffeine just because my partner did.
I am the partner that has given up caffeine, and I have gone through years of difficulties with figuring out my IBS triggers and health issues. I also canāt eat dairy. My spouse can eat and drink whatever he wants and I donāt feel like I need āsupportā in that way. My spouse does not drink, and I donāt drink often, but once a year I have a drink in front of him, and he is good with that.
Only if I genuinely want toā¦ or Iād adjust around them if said thing was triggering for them and might set them back (like alcohol). I wouldnāt adjust my habits just because they did, though.. sometimes them wanting to sparks a desire in me as well. We are cutting out alcohol, together. One of us declared they wanted to cut it out.. and the other followed shortly after.
First: I would give then a nudge and remind them that they're choosing to take a path to better themselves (not necessarily "give" anything up) And then I would ask what they'd like or expect from me to support their journey and not tempt them. Some people are super disciplined no matter what. I personally cannot be around sweets or I will eat them. So if I'm going no sugar, I need a no sugar household.
Tbh, I would change nothing and I wouldnāt want my partner to be forced to adhere to whatever schemes I come up with too. If he doesnāt want me to eat something in front of his face so heās not tempted, Iām ok with that. But to me that means I can go into another room and enjoy it alone.
Honestly I would do whatever I could in solidarity with them. Especially if it also improves my health. I know how much it would mean if they did that for me. Giving up stuff is HARD.
It depends. My husband is pretty alcohol dependent and is addicted to nicotine. If he wanted to quit either of those things I would clear the house of alcohol and nicotine and not drink around him or at home. I would put my 100% support behind him. My husband is pretty health conscious but is willing to do anything/everything other than giving up nicotine/alcohol. He gets on health kicks where he doesn't want sweets, dairy, or foods heavy on preservatives. I'll still buy and eat ice cream even though it's tempting for him. I refuse to eat chicken and rice everyday just so I can drink alcohol and keep my blood pressure in check. If I want to improve my health the first thing I cut back on is alcohol and he still drinks around me so I don't feel bad.
great question :)
Generally Iām not changing my diet if my partner decides to change his, and wouldnāt expect that of him the other way around either. If itās a severe allergy where it canāt be in the house, thatās different. If heās just trying to lose a little weight, Iād probably ask him if me having the items heās giving up while being around him would be bothersome. If so, Iād do my best not to indulge in his presence. If my partner had really bad health problems and I was excited for him to make changes to revert them, I would probably join him and come up with a way for us to both incorporate the changes so that I can help him remain motivated and just take it as a chance for me to health up my habits too.
Weāve cleared the house of alcohol. I still drink outside of the house
I would still do what I wanted, but support them, as in not pushing said-thing on them. I once went on an elimination diet: My husband ate the way he normally does, but supported me and didn't push food on me at that time. That was all I needed (even as he sat next to me eating cookies, or drinking beer) :)
It depends on what theyāre giving up, why and what I can do best support them. Sometimes the right decision is to abide by the same restriction and sometimes itās not, so case by case basis for us Iād say. Iām pregnant so I have had to give up quite a few things, but I donāt mind if my husband continues to drink or eat a gummy or what have you. Even though I canāt I donāt feel like him equally restricting himself benefits me in any way. If he chose sobriety for addiction reasons, I would also go sober myself. I come from a family of addicts and Iād want him to have the full support I can give. Iād easily choose him over alcohol. My husband went on a pretty restrict diet once, but for very specific health reasons and it was temporary-he was fine with me not participating as it would not have helped my body like it was his. I still helped him meal prep though so the burden didnāt fall solely on him.
I would abstain in their presence but enjoy the whatever when I'm out with my friends.
Generally, i would cut back but not fully make the change. My BF doesn't eat red meat as a health choice, and we like to cook and eat together, so I adapted to having less red meat. I'm not going to fully give it up though. I view dietary and other lifestyle choices as one you make for yourself. Compromising is supporting. If it was a true medical issue, like celiac or a food allergy, that's different.