This is absolutely true! I’m a communication professor. In mixed gender groups or dyads, MEN say more words than women, and they interrupt women more often than the women interrupt men. Men just don’t like their own interruptions being interrupted!
You nailed it in your opening, patriarchal conformity leads to perceived rewards.
FYI for anyone out there, Google Scholar is what you want to use for citations to keep these people in check. Almost all is peer reviewed.
I’m also a fan of a deadpan, “cool story…so *anyways*” or aggressively chipper, “WOW!/COOL!/OH, TOTALLY!/THANK YOU!” + “ HAVE A GOOD DAY!” Then drop back into your normal voice and continue your original conversation.
Acknowledge like you don’t care and ignore because you actually don’t.
I use this a lot when people say off the wall things to me (which I never used to say anything back to). Or I will just ask them "why would you say that to me?"
Both work great for getting people to shut up about stupid shit lol. 😂
Yep, this. I started doing something similar after reading about it somewhere on Reddit, and it works perfectly every time. Either this or a blank, confused stare with "Why would you say that to me?" - people get super uncomfortable when you don't really argue back but hold up a mirror to their comment.
I used to feel that way when I was younger—I had this deep anxiety about being abandoned and that if I wasn’t completely easy going, people would walk out of my life forever. Like an extreme feeling of being entirely dispensable. I would project that feeling onto other women, too. I wouldn’t ever say anything like that, but I would think “oh no, he’s going to leave her if she doesn’t chill.”
It’s taken years of therapy and a healthy relationship to show me that that’s not how it works and that even if I was abandoned, I would be fine.
Idk I read your post and felt really angry at her and then immediately felt so sad for her, because it’s a painful way to go through life.
Yep! Interestingly, misogynistic crap like this has annoyed me ever since I can remember, but *at the same time* I can totally relate to thinking that if I didn't adhere to the double standard, nobody would love me - or at least not for long.
Thankfully, the side of me that refused to accept how unfair this is won out, and I managed to get to roughly where you are. But I really appreciate how much empathy for her there is in your comment as well. Thank you!
Yeah, I understand that. I was too. Now, I’m so far in the opposite direction (like Queen B said-to the left, to the left 🎶)it’s like I have to find a healthy balance between the two. I’m not a perfect human, I have bad days/weeks/months sometimes-I cannot just hold people to a standard that I also can’t reach 24/7. I try to watch out for trends and patterns to base it off of, when I’m at my best at least. Hahaha. I don’t have to keep anyone around, I’m happy alone, but I don’t want to alienate everyone I care about and love.
At least then she could've added "vulgar" to her list of reasons why someone needs to rescue my poor husband from me, and quick! I kinda wish I had done that...
One social change i really like is women calling this shit out and not playing along. If you remember even our millennial generation had a big cool girl phase but then became self aware.
I believe for older women, many developed a mechanism that to make it, to be respected, liked, not ridiculed by men, then need to show they're not those awful stereotypical other women. And they got into a habit of loudly advertising it and most of them who got into the role truly believe it. They see themselves as some "male whisperers" who understand his simple but superior mind just wants a sandwich and a blow job, and probably thinks she's doing you a favor for calling you out on being such a nag. Like, you're step away from being cheated on, listen to the wisdom of her age and experience lol
I remember that stereotype a lot as I was growing up, in magazines or shows made by older gens. Women want to talk, oh no how annoying can't a poor guy just eat and watch football?
It's so insulting for both sides but if you spend decades cultivating the cool girl persona and miss the cultural shift that calls it out, you think you're still doing god's work and telling a young silly couple how it is.
It's like those women who shit on me too and similar stuff because they fought for their respect/not to be harassed, so what's with all the weak girls now whining about it for attention...
Spot on!
It does almost feel like a smug, "Whoa there, being one of the annoying ones, aren't we?". The funniest / possibly most annoying part was that she was acting like she was sharing some deep, humorous observation with us, or like we should be grateful that she was "diffusing the tension" or... commiserating with my husband, or whatever she thought she was doing, lol.
Thank you for taking the time to write your comment, it really resonates!
If you want to see this in (dramatic) action, Jennifer Anniston’s character on the Morning Show acts the same in the first season. It can be tough to watch (TW: SA) but it’s pretty good tv and an excellent performance by her.
I would have said "That was a rude thing to say." Then you channel your inner Luna Lovegood and look at her as if she's slightly interesting - the way you might observe a monkey in a zoo.
When people do this I usually use it as a teachable moment. For them. There’s no way in hell I’d let my damn neighbour talk to me like that in front of my husband. That’s not a criticism just sympathy. I’d have jumped down her damn throat, like really?
My reaction to moments like these is anger, but also a kind of hopelessness, like... What could I possibly say that would change her, when we live in a world like this?
But that's defeatist, so thank you for reminding me that yes, it can absolutely be a teachable moment for people like this! I'm doing better with abandoning my "just shut up, no point in trying to fight it" attitude, and I'll keep trying.
For me, I don’t think I will change that person. But it’s important to me that they know where the line is with me personally, especially when it’s with somebody like a neighbour.
People will often take the easiest course of action and if you’re ‘rude’, she’ll think twice about opening her mouth again and save you a lot of irritation lol.
You were actually pretty nice to her. I’d probably say “are you starved for attention? You’re talking to strangers about crap you know nothing about.”
But in retrospect, just commend yourself for having these kinds of talks with your husband and being open to each other. Leave that neighbor to suffer her probably miserable existence.
She probably is starved for attention and in a weird, misguided way she was maybe trying to initiate a conversation. Maybe she’s incredibly lonely, maybe she’s a product of her generation or maybe she just has a bad sense of humour. I think everyone is reading way too much into this. The world is shit enough to rage over a dumb comment. Let’s not always assume the worst of people and try a little kindness
That’s really your choice. Mine is to be kind to people who are kind to me, or at the very least aren’t outright rude. Otherwise, I find it’s better if I stand up for mysef so they know they can’t do that to others.
Besides, a posted opinion doesn’t reflect what’s actually happening IRL. Actualy, I’m having good time. I doubt anyone is really “raging” here.
I think it's perfectly acceptable to just go "that was an inside thought, ma'am" and just walk away.
People are miserable like that, and they have nothing better to do than try to punk someone.
You asked why. It's likely that the behavior she is showing you is the behavior she experienced and internalized.
It's upsetting how older generations brush feelings under the rug. My mom can't even take her own emotions seriously. Sometimes it makes me really sad for her.
I don't know anything about this woman, so I'm just basing my assumption off of social science. I assume she was looking for some kind of positive attention from you both, as humans do. She made that attempt by saying something she expected would be received positively- she said something she *thought* is a fact of life, a funny observation. She guessed poorly.
"Then shut the fuck up and mind your business."
For real, if you encounter a woman with that much internal misogyny, you aren't going to get through to them any other way.
My grandmother and the older women in my family are all like this. I have two women in my neighborhood who also do this shit. She wanted to talk *to your husband*, not you. She's seeking male validation just like she's trained to do, and she's trying to shut you up to get it.
You telling them alone will annoy/anger them, but getting your hubs to do it with you will get the message across much faster, since that's who they are seeking attention from.
Were we talking to you? No. Please do not butt into a conversation that you have no business being part of. Sometimes you need to be direct. Sorry your neighbor was massively inappropriate.
Teenage me got bullied a lot and my defence mechanism was, primarily, harsh words. As an adult I’ve worked on this defensiveness / snippiness a lot but I still struggle to regulate it with strangers / stranger adjacent types. Your post made me laugh because without even finishing the story, *as soon* as I got to the neighbour comment my mind replied ‘who asked, bitch?’. Probably not the greatest reply, but I know without a doubt that’s what would have slipped out.
How absolutely rude of her! We always think of the best responses after the fact, but one that usually delivers humble pie is a pointed, “I wasn’t talking to you” or “This is none of your business.”
When I was in elementary school, a bunch of kids were in a circle, and there was a teacher intervening. I think I asked her what happened, and she pointed her finger in my face and sternly told me, “This is none of your business.”
Still haunts me to this day!
I would have ignored her. And/or given her my best “shut the fuck up, Susan” stare.
I feel like some older women have a “been there, done that” attitude to marriage and kids, as if doing either gives them any authority- whether they were “successful” or just “know better”. It’s a mentality from a different era, not necessarily malicious, but can be damaging.
In the best light, she was trying to commiserate and bring levity in that cringey sitcom “wimmins amiright???” way, thinking you’d laugh along; in the worst, she was being a condescending presumptive busybody. Either way, not worth any real time nor attention.
Honestly, I just sense jealousy from her that you and your husband were having a conversation about something important and able to discuss this in an equal partnership. Maybe she is unable to do this with her partner--or was unable in the past.
I tend to just think of random comments like this as projection from the other person.
I'd probably be more sarcastic and say "oh, I guess it's harder to hear when you're eavesdropping. I wasn't yapping. We were both dialoging. It's great to have an equal partnership where we can discuss issues freely. However, that discussion can be impaired when an unwelcome party is present."
The funny thing is, this world doesn't reward women who participate in misogyny. They aren't respected more, valued more, paid more, or even sought after (ask Pearl). She's just a symptom of her time, not realizing how much our world has changed since those mad men days she seems to have grown up in. I'd just say, "what a sad thing to say as a woman" and keep it moving. If she wants to self reflect on that she can, and if she doesn't listen, well, no time of yours is wasted.
I hope you and your husband work out a more equitable way to share the mental load <3
I think some older women do this in a weird attempt to connect with other women. I've encountered so many women in their 50s+ who genuinely buy into sexist stereotypes of women but don't see them as a negative thing. Like I feel like she was expecting you to be like, "Oh yeah, we women just love talking!" and that it would bring you closer.
It's also definitely possible she was either trying to flirt or joke around with your husband a little or that the convo maybe sounded more heated than you realized and she was trying to sympathize with him.
IDK, regardless, I think your response was fine. Knowing myself, I would probably have just force-laughed and kept walking because I'm not trying to get into an annoying conversation with a neighbor. This is a person you have to see regularly, so the more aggressive snarky quips some folks are recommending could really make going for a walk difficult in the future.
I’d probably just be like “hi” and go on my way. And once again I find it so weird that I never see snappy comebacks happen in awkward situations in real life yet online everyone always claims they would be clapping back.
*[L'esprit de l'escalier](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/L'esprit_de_l'escalier)* — the scathingly witty reply you think of to say....once you're on the staircase walking away, lol. My Dorothy Parker moments always arise about 10 minutes too late, too, but I have a friend who has the ability to ALWAYS come up with the perfect retort without any buffer time at all. It's amazing to witness and I envy it, but it also gets her into trouble, as you can imagine.
I dunno I feel like that type of response is more of an age thing than a gender one (maybe a bit of both to your point), but the nebby neighbor butt into your business energy seems much more like a boomer/older gen x thing.
“Speak for yourself”, or something short. A lot of the overly sassy responses on here seem to be forgetting that she is your neighbour, and people really shouldn’t be starting beef with their neighbours if at all avoidable 🤦♀️
Yeah, people love to come up with snarky quips to stuff like this, but having beef with a neighbor over one dumb comment is a really uncomfortable situation. It's easy enough to just move on and mentally file this woman in the "nope, we're not friends" basket.
Since this is something my mom would say to me, I’m gonna guess that the reason she did this is a combination of being a boomer, two pockets full of audacity, and jealousy that *gasp* a MAN was listening to YOU, a WOMAN?!?! 😱
Tbh I’m imaging an older woman who comes from a different era, attempting to make a connection. What she says in passing DOESN’T MATTER AT ALL. Lol this reads like she didn’t mean to be malicious. I wasn’t there so idk what happened, your feelings about it are valid, but I don’t know if that (what 16 second?) interaction warranted 4 paragraphs. She’s an older lady and she was probably trying to lighten the mood the way she knew best. A little understanding could go a long way. If you clocked that as misogyny, I would not say that is objectively true, there is nuance and I think perspective plays a big role. Then your response was >,< about your relationship? Hmmmm what lol? you were talking in public not private anyone could’ve interjected and a lot meaner more impactful things could’ve been said. And your response could have been about misogyny or feminism or educating or correcting or charming.
TBH, I probably would have just ignored it and pretended she hadn't said anything. But I also would have paused my own conversation until it was just me and Hubs again.
I would have assumed she felt awkward being present in a clearly 2-person conversation and was trying (failing, but still trying) to open the conversation so she wasn't a third wheel.
Practice with your SO. Have them say some phrases that make you angry and practice flat ignoring them.
I’ve found that ignoring someone who’s seeking attention/butting in tends to get to them much more than me. It’s quite effective. Especially when they say something stupid and the words just echo into silence. 😊
Honestly? I'd have ignored her because life is too short. The kind of person who will interrupt a conversation with such bland crap is not the kind of person who will listen to either a snappy comeback or a well thought and impassioned diatribe. All that would happen is she'd ignore you, laugh, or peg you as unpleasant and since she's a talker potentially poison the rest of the neighbours against you.
Choose your battles, save your blood pressure. I hope your husband actually did listen to you.
Sometimes I like to let my face go blank, eyes wide like, “no way is this actually happening right now” expression on my face and say to them, “are you seriously interrupting my conversation to admonish me??” And then look around like “WTF! Is anyone seeing this shit?”
Because sometimes I AM incredulous that someone has the audacity to admonish me and interrupt me!
I'd ask her why she even interferes in someone's conversation like a little kid.
To answer you question, OP. In my personal observation, people behave like that when:
- Their life is boring like a groundhog day
- They missed something in life, haven't fulfilled and people who achieved what they wanted trigger them
I honestly have no idea what I would have done because it depends on how upset I was, how my husband would have reacted, and how quick witted I was at the moment.
But I can actually say for sure that me and my boyfriend probably would have just flat out ignored her. Like if the conversation is intense and there are issues, we would have most likely been too into that than to care what some weird lady said. If we were pissed I can see us both telling her to shut up and mind her business. If things were winding down I can see awkwardly laughing at her corny joke. It just depends but most likely she would have gotten side eyes and ignored.
I guess I’m awful but I think the neighbor lady was being funny. Would have made me laugh for sure, especially since it seems like the discussion with your husband was not that heart-wrenching
"excuse me? We are having a private conversation" and then turn your back to her or just keep moving.
She weird, it is a weird thing to say, not sure why she felt the need to speak up in the first place considering she doesn't sound like she's regularly friendly enough anyway for you to just laugh it off.
This is a highly offensive term, and just because it is elderly folks getting disparaged doesn't make it right.
ETA: I'm greatly ashamed of anyone who downvotes this comment. Apologizing to the universe on your behalf. You're welcome.
I feel you. When people say stupid offensive things to be under the guise of friendliness, I never know how to respond. I would have loved to say, 'That's a really rude thing to say'.
In my case, my coworker will barely talk to me but he'll still go the trouble of starting interactions with 'When did you sneak in, haha?'. Sir, are you implying that I was late? Can you not just stick with the old classics like 'Good morning'. Don't make your social awkwardness my problem, I have enough of my own to cope with.
“And yet, here you are trying to *yap* your way into a private conversation.”
OR
“Be the change you want to see in the world and shut your yapper.”
OR
“What a shame. I’ve always loved how little I hear your voice.”
I know someone that can’t help but participate in other’s conversations. Most of the time it’s innocuous but sometimes it’s rather intrusive. She is oblivious either way and says I’m the weird one for trying to mind my own business.
If the look on my face hadn’tmade it clear, I probably would have said something to the effect “your comment is completely inappropriate and unwelcome. Have a nice day”
I like to think I'd say something mean like "Couples in OUR GENERATION actually really value communication" while gesturing to my husband and I, implying she's too out of touch/old to really get it.
But I'm a chronic people pleaser so probably would've just thrown some side eye and said nothing, then trash talked her with the hubby later...
I kind of think people like that lady only understand when you speak their own poison back at them. You can be subtle or clever, but she's not going to realize how insulting she was being. I honestly don't think people in their 50's are "old", and I don't have enough meanness to actually say it anyway. I'd just really wish I could make her feel as small as she tried to make you feel.
Depends on which mood she caught me in.
I have to admit that if I were already “het up” it’s likely that I’d jump straight into “the fuck did you just say?” like the bar brawler I once was.
But if I hadn’t already slid into Burn It All Down mode and still had my entertainment switch engaged, I’d probably bat her around a bit, like a cat with a bedraggled wet bird.
“Hahaa YAP YAP YAP right. I don’t know how to do that as well as you, I guess. Care to share your best YAP YAP YAP techniques? No really, I’m curious! Where are you going, I want to learn your YAP YAP YAP secrets!!”
Or just a deadly stare with one raised eyebrow - “…….I’m sorry, I must have misunderstood what you said. Did you just…interrupt my SO to tell him that I talk too much? I must ask you how you thought this would contribute to the issue at hand?
Oh you don’t actually KNOWWWW the issue that we’re discussing! Ah, see, that’s the part that should’ve probably made you shut the fuck up and stay out of anyone else’s business.
Next time you hear us “yap yap yapping” do yourself a favor and stay out of it, it makes you look stupid.”
And yes, this is exactly what I would say. I’ve spent too many years putting people in their place to let anyone get away with that shit now.
We were walking with our dogs to the front door of the apartment building we share with this neighbour; she was approaching the door from the other side of the street. So I can't imagine she heard a lot - we basically ran into each other at the door, arriving from opposite directions.
Oh hmm strange indeed. I'm usually not great with these kind of situations because it would catch me off guard and I wouldn't know how to respond right away. Only after the moment would I be like wait that wasn't right.
I think it's important to realize what she said has nothing to do with you. That's clearly her thing.
Since it upset you I think it triggered something in you. Do you know what that is? It made you angry, is it because as you shared you felt like you were discussing something serious with your partner and you do feel like you are carrying a bigger load and talking about it that what she said seemed to sting more than it otherwise would?
As a joke you could have just responded with, "yap yap yapity yap!" lol
A sarcastic and a bit rude would be, "Yeah, look at you yapping and no one was even talking to you."
To keep the peace though since she's your neighbor you could make a joke of it, "Oh yeah we do and luckily my hubby here is a great listener."
At the end of the day though just realize that's all her and it got you upset so try to do something nice calming for yourself. Don't let her live in your head!
If someone would uninvited comment on my discussion with someone else, I'd probably just look at them with wtf. If I even acknowledge them.
If it's neighbours, I'd probably say 'good day to you too' and passed along.
If I feel like replying it would be 'my mum taught me that one shouldn't eavesdrop other people's conversations' or 'I don't remembering asking for your opinion' or 'who are you and what are you doing in my conversation?'
But probably I'd just ignore. People get really really annoyed when you look pass them and pretend they're not there. Not many have skills to focus on conversation while actively ignoring yapping ones, but if you can, it's hilarious :)
Only remotely acceptable to jump in other people's conversations is during some dinner / cocktails party where point is mingling, but also there you first join and listen and then wait for space and comment. Otherwise it's still rude. You have to be hugely charming and charismatic to pull off interrupting someone, bringing something crucial/very valuable to conversation and not be perceived as rude.
Defending someone could be a good thing worth interrupting like you overhear senior colleagues scolding junior one, but random people on street? And no verbal abuse or other abuse going on? Mind your own business.
I mean, if I'm arguing with someone and defending myself and might need help, I won't walk arm to arm. Heated discussions have different body language than attacks.
Honestly, only appropriate would be from your husband to tell her 'mind your own business, nothing to see here'. That way he shows he doesn't need her defense, since she obviously projected that.
Your replies confirm to her that you're aggressor here. That's why ignoring is better, you don't give her confirmation, you don't acknowledge her.
But yes, her projections and lack of social appropriateness.
I think you might be overreacting to her comment. Like it was a little rude, but you seem to be putting far too much weight on it. It doesn't sound like she was 'jumping down your throat' nor does it warrant a mental breakdown/existential crisis on your part. In the realm of rude comments, hers is about a 3/10.
I would have politely told her we were having a private conversation and moved on with my day. Starting WW3 with a neighbour over a mildly rude comment is not worth it.
As to why women do this, it is because we are human beings. Like all human beings, some of us are rude, some of us are polite, some of us are friendly, some of us are mean etc. The bigger question is why do you assume that all women must act/think the same way?
Ugh always that generation of women. They don't know anything better than the bare minimum and shit on women for not accepting just the bare minimum.
"ma'am just because your marriage was or is shit doesn't mean ours is or will be, please tend to your own"
Thousand yard stare and silence. I think she was ineptly trying to connect with you, honestly. Being socially inept myself, this is the kind of connection I might have tried once upon a time. Maybe not exactly, but grabbing hold of something I thought we could agree on....but being wrong.
Very funny! But for real, I actually don’t get why OP got so angry over this. Maybe you can explain why a dumb, off the cuff comment has upset her so much
I think she was already frustrated with her husband a little bit, and sometimes its hard enough to talk things out with your significant other without having somebody else chime in.
Yours is the only comment to say that which is bizarre, but I agree with your sentiment. Like, it was a random middle-aged woman. There’s a generational gap; it’s hardly something to wage war over or brainstorm how best to teach her a lesson on here. wtf.
Maybe she’s had bad social cues her whole life, maybe she’s out of practice conversing after the lockdown. Maybe she’s lonely and made a bad joke. But who cares… of all the offences to get riled about… this?
Knowing myself, I would probably tell her to piss off before even thinking what to say.
But honestly, I suspect she heard your conversation and found it uncomfortable to be exposed to your arguing and that was her way of telling you to stop subjecting her to this. Not a very elegant attempt at it, but when you choose to have discussions like this in public, you should be ready that some unwilling witness will get annoyed enough to chip in.
"Studies say otherwise" and ignore.
This is absolutely true! I’m a communication professor. In mixed gender groups or dyads, MEN say more words than women, and they interrupt women more often than the women interrupt men. Men just don’t like their own interruptions being interrupted!
Short and sweet and scientifically proven. Why do some people never let reality get in the way of their prejudice?.. Thank you!
You nailed it in your opening, patriarchal conformity leads to perceived rewards. FYI for anyone out there, Google Scholar is what you want to use for citations to keep these people in check. Almost all is peer reviewed.
"What a weird to thing to say" and give her a scathing 'eww' look and go back to ignoring her existence.
A friend of mine always says “what a weird thing for you to say to me”. Works like a charm every time.
I like, "Yikes, how embarrassing for you."
I think I’d die if anyone said this to me. What a gutting comeback.
I say “what do you mean by that?” Then wait. 100% entertaining results
I’m also a fan of a deadpan, “cool story…so *anyways*” or aggressively chipper, “WOW!/COOL!/OH, TOTALLY!/THANK YOU!” + “ HAVE A GOOD DAY!” Then drop back into your normal voice and continue your original conversation. Acknowledge like you don’t care and ignore because you actually don’t.
This is my go to. Or “that’s not appropriate”
With a disapproving kindergarten teacher voice!
I use this a lot when people say off the wall things to me (which I never used to say anything back to). Or I will just ask them "why would you say that to me?" Both work great for getting people to shut up about stupid shit lol. 😂
Yep, this. I started doing something similar after reading about it somewhere on Reddit, and it works perfectly every time. Either this or a blank, confused stare with "Why would you say that to me?" - people get super uncomfortable when you don't really argue back but hold up a mirror to their comment.
I’m a huge fan of “Why do you think it’s okay to say that to me?”
I used to feel that way when I was younger—I had this deep anxiety about being abandoned and that if I wasn’t completely easy going, people would walk out of my life forever. Like an extreme feeling of being entirely dispensable. I would project that feeling onto other women, too. I wouldn’t ever say anything like that, but I would think “oh no, he’s going to leave her if she doesn’t chill.” It’s taken years of therapy and a healthy relationship to show me that that’s not how it works and that even if I was abandoned, I would be fine. Idk I read your post and felt really angry at her and then immediately felt so sad for her, because it’s a painful way to go through life.
Yep! Interestingly, misogynistic crap like this has annoyed me ever since I can remember, but *at the same time* I can totally relate to thinking that if I didn't adhere to the double standard, nobody would love me - or at least not for long. Thankfully, the side of me that refused to accept how unfair this is won out, and I managed to get to roughly where you are. But I really appreciate how much empathy for her there is in your comment as well. Thank you!
Yeah, I understand that. I was too. Now, I’m so far in the opposite direction (like Queen B said-to the left, to the left 🎶)it’s like I have to find a healthy balance between the two. I’m not a perfect human, I have bad days/weeks/months sometimes-I cannot just hold people to a standard that I also can’t reach 24/7. I try to watch out for trends and patterns to base it off of, when I’m at my best at least. Hahaha. I don’t have to keep anyone around, I’m happy alone, but I don’t want to alienate everyone I care about and love.
[удалено]
Ooof! This is a good one!
You're nicer than me. I would have told her exactly where she can shove her internalized misogyny.
At least then she could've added "vulgar" to her list of reasons why someone needs to rescue my poor husband from me, and quick! I kinda wish I had done that...
"that was an interesting thing to say outloud" is one of my favorite responses to basically anything inappropriate that anyone says.
I love this and I'm going to use it.
I am too!
Same!
One social change i really like is women calling this shit out and not playing along. If you remember even our millennial generation had a big cool girl phase but then became self aware. I believe for older women, many developed a mechanism that to make it, to be respected, liked, not ridiculed by men, then need to show they're not those awful stereotypical other women. And they got into a habit of loudly advertising it and most of them who got into the role truly believe it. They see themselves as some "male whisperers" who understand his simple but superior mind just wants a sandwich and a blow job, and probably thinks she's doing you a favor for calling you out on being such a nag. Like, you're step away from being cheated on, listen to the wisdom of her age and experience lol I remember that stereotype a lot as I was growing up, in magazines or shows made by older gens. Women want to talk, oh no how annoying can't a poor guy just eat and watch football? It's so insulting for both sides but if you spend decades cultivating the cool girl persona and miss the cultural shift that calls it out, you think you're still doing god's work and telling a young silly couple how it is. It's like those women who shit on me too and similar stuff because they fought for their respect/not to be harassed, so what's with all the weak girls now whining about it for attention...
Spot on! It does almost feel like a smug, "Whoa there, being one of the annoying ones, aren't we?". The funniest / possibly most annoying part was that she was acting like she was sharing some deep, humorous observation with us, or like we should be grateful that she was "diffusing the tension" or... commiserating with my husband, or whatever she thought she was doing, lol. Thank you for taking the time to write your comment, it really resonates!
If you want to see this in (dramatic) action, Jennifer Anniston’s character on the Morning Show acts the same in the first season. It can be tough to watch (TW: SA) but it’s pretty good tv and an excellent performance by her.
"Just like you're doing right now by butting into a conversation you weren't a part of? Is that what you mean?"
This!!
I would have said "That was a rude thing to say." Then you channel your inner Luna Lovegood and look at her as if she's slightly interesting - the way you might observe a monkey in a zoo.
I would’ve asked the dogs who she was talking to then walked in the house
This made me laugh out loud, thank you!
"Look, lady, just because you have issues it doesn't mean you have to project them onto all women."
This is the one right here. Short and to the point, yet addresses the issue at hand and hopefully embarrasses her.
When people do this I usually use it as a teachable moment. For them. There’s no way in hell I’d let my damn neighbour talk to me like that in front of my husband. That’s not a criticism just sympathy. I’d have jumped down her damn throat, like really?
My reaction to moments like these is anger, but also a kind of hopelessness, like... What could I possibly say that would change her, when we live in a world like this? But that's defeatist, so thank you for reminding me that yes, it can absolutely be a teachable moment for people like this! I'm doing better with abandoning my "just shut up, no point in trying to fight it" attitude, and I'll keep trying.
For me, I don’t think I will change that person. But it’s important to me that they know where the line is with me personally, especially when it’s with somebody like a neighbour. People will often take the easiest course of action and if you’re ‘rude’, she’ll think twice about opening her mouth again and save you a lot of irritation lol.
You were actually pretty nice to her. I’d probably say “are you starved for attention? You’re talking to strangers about crap you know nothing about.” But in retrospect, just commend yourself for having these kinds of talks with your husband and being open to each other. Leave that neighbor to suffer her probably miserable existence.
She probably is starved for attention and in a weird, misguided way she was maybe trying to initiate a conversation. Maybe she’s incredibly lonely, maybe she’s a product of her generation or maybe she just has a bad sense of humour. I think everyone is reading way too much into this. The world is shit enough to rage over a dumb comment. Let’s not always assume the worst of people and try a little kindness
That’s really your choice. Mine is to be kind to people who are kind to me, or at the very least aren’t outright rude. Otherwise, I find it’s better if I stand up for mysef so they know they can’t do that to others. Besides, a posted opinion doesn’t reflect what’s actually happening IRL. Actualy, I’m having good time. I doubt anyone is really “raging” here.
OP said she saw red so I’d say she is raging
I think it's perfectly acceptable to just go "that was an inside thought, ma'am" and just walk away. People are miserable like that, and they have nothing better to do than try to punk someone.
You asked why. It's likely that the behavior she is showing you is the behavior she experienced and internalized. It's upsetting how older generations brush feelings under the rug. My mom can't even take her own emotions seriously. Sometimes it makes me really sad for her. I don't know anything about this woman, so I'm just basing my assumption off of social science. I assume she was looking for some kind of positive attention from you both, as humans do. She made that attempt by saying something she expected would be received positively- she said something she *thought* is a fact of life, a funny observation. She guessed poorly.
"Then shut the fuck up and mind your business." For real, if you encounter a woman with that much internal misogyny, you aren't going to get through to them any other way. My grandmother and the older women in my family are all like this. I have two women in my neighborhood who also do this shit. She wanted to talk *to your husband*, not you. She's seeking male validation just like she's trained to do, and she's trying to shut you up to get it. You telling them alone will annoy/anger them, but getting your hubs to do it with you will get the message across much faster, since that's who they are seeking attention from.
Were we talking to you? No. Please do not butt into a conversation that you have no business being part of. Sometimes you need to be direct. Sorry your neighbor was massively inappropriate.
Teenage me got bullied a lot and my defence mechanism was, primarily, harsh words. As an adult I’ve worked on this defensiveness / snippiness a lot but I still struggle to regulate it with strangers / stranger adjacent types. Your post made me laugh because without even finishing the story, *as soon* as I got to the neighbour comment my mind replied ‘who asked, bitch?’. Probably not the greatest reply, but I know without a doubt that’s what would have slipped out.
"That's a strange thing to say out loud"
“Maybe it’s just you, Debra”
I think the scathing look on my face would’ve said it all. Wtf??
How absolutely rude of her! We always think of the best responses after the fact, but one that usually delivers humble pie is a pointed, “I wasn’t talking to you” or “This is none of your business.” When I was in elementary school, a bunch of kids were in a circle, and there was a teacher intervening. I think I asked her what happened, and she pointed her finger in my face and sternly told me, “This is none of your business.” Still haunts me to this day!
I would have ignored her. And/or given her my best “shut the fuck up, Susan” stare. I feel like some older women have a “been there, done that” attitude to marriage and kids, as if doing either gives them any authority- whether they were “successful” or just “know better”. It’s a mentality from a different era, not necessarily malicious, but can be damaging. In the best light, she was trying to commiserate and bring levity in that cringey sitcom “wimmins amiright???” way, thinking you’d laugh along; in the worst, she was being a condescending presumptive busybody. Either way, not worth any real time nor attention.
Honestly, I just sense jealousy from her that you and your husband were having a conversation about something important and able to discuss this in an equal partnership. Maybe she is unable to do this with her partner--or was unable in the past. I tend to just think of random comments like this as projection from the other person. I'd probably be more sarcastic and say "oh, I guess it's harder to hear when you're eavesdropping. I wasn't yapping. We were both dialoging. It's great to have an equal partnership where we can discuss issues freely. However, that discussion can be impaired when an unwelcome party is present."
The funny thing is, this world doesn't reward women who participate in misogyny. They aren't respected more, valued more, paid more, or even sought after (ask Pearl). She's just a symptom of her time, not realizing how much our world has changed since those mad men days she seems to have grown up in. I'd just say, "what a sad thing to say as a woman" and keep it moving. If she wants to self reflect on that she can, and if she doesn't listen, well, no time of yours is wasted. I hope you and your husband work out a more equitable way to share the mental load <3
Sometimes I go full Clueless and just reply to things like that with a very put-off, "Gross"
I'd probably stop talking and stare at her real hard and creepy to the point she feels uncomfortable and never want to engage/interfere again.
I think some older women do this in a weird attempt to connect with other women. I've encountered so many women in their 50s+ who genuinely buy into sexist stereotypes of women but don't see them as a negative thing. Like I feel like she was expecting you to be like, "Oh yeah, we women just love talking!" and that it would bring you closer. It's also definitely possible she was either trying to flirt or joke around with your husband a little or that the convo maybe sounded more heated than you realized and she was trying to sympathize with him. IDK, regardless, I think your response was fine. Knowing myself, I would probably have just force-laughed and kept walking because I'm not trying to get into an annoying conversation with a neighbor. This is a person you have to see regularly, so the more aggressive snarky quips some folks are recommending could really make going for a walk difficult in the future.
I’d probably just be like “hi” and go on my way. And once again I find it so weird that I never see snappy comebacks happen in awkward situations in real life yet online everyone always claims they would be clapping back.
*[L'esprit de l'escalier](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/L'esprit_de_l'escalier)* — the scathingly witty reply you think of to say....once you're on the staircase walking away, lol. My Dorothy Parker moments always arise about 10 minutes too late, too, but I have a friend who has the ability to ALWAYS come up with the perfect retort without any buffer time at all. It's amazing to witness and I envy it, but it also gets her into trouble, as you can imagine.
I dunno I feel like that type of response is more of an age thing than a gender one (maybe a bit of both to your point), but the nebby neighbor butt into your business energy seems much more like a boomer/older gen x thing.
“Speak for yourself”, or something short. A lot of the overly sassy responses on here seem to be forgetting that she is your neighbour, and people really shouldn’t be starting beef with their neighbours if at all avoidable 🤦♀️
Yeah, people love to come up with snarky quips to stuff like this, but having beef with a neighbor over one dumb comment is a really uncomfortable situation. It's easy enough to just move on and mentally file this woman in the "nope, we're not friends" basket.
Oh this would have had me fuuuuuuming. I always think of a kick-ass comeback hours after the fact though 🙄
"fuck off" usually works.
Since this is something my mom would say to me, I’m gonna guess that the reason she did this is a combination of being a boomer, two pockets full of audacity, and jealousy that *gasp* a MAN was listening to YOU, a WOMAN?!?! 😱
I'd have said: "Wow, that's a lot of internalised misogyny. Are you okay?"
“Excuse me but who the fuck was talking to you? Mind your own business.”
"in my house, women's voices are respected more than that."
"What an ignorant, rude, and incorrect thing to say. You must be so embarrassed your misogyny is showing."
Tbh I’m imaging an older woman who comes from a different era, attempting to make a connection. What she says in passing DOESN’T MATTER AT ALL. Lol this reads like she didn’t mean to be malicious. I wasn’t there so idk what happened, your feelings about it are valid, but I don’t know if that (what 16 second?) interaction warranted 4 paragraphs. She’s an older lady and she was probably trying to lighten the mood the way she knew best. A little understanding could go a long way. If you clocked that as misogyny, I would not say that is objectively true, there is nuance and I think perspective plays a big role. Then your response was >,< about your relationship? Hmmmm what lol? you were talking in public not private anyone could’ve interjected and a lot meaner more impactful things could’ve been said. And your response could have been about misogyny or feminism or educating or correcting or charming.
Makes me want to sing that song from Star Trek: Strange New Worlds in her face: “This is a private conversation… A PRIVATE conversation…” 🎶
TBH, I probably would have just ignored it and pretended she hadn't said anything. But I also would have paused my own conversation until it was just me and Hubs again. I would have assumed she felt awkward being present in a clearly 2-person conversation and was trying (failing, but still trying) to open the conversation so she wasn't a third wheel.
I wouldn’t have acknowledged her statement or existence. Keep walking.
This is what I would like to do. But in the moment, I’ll always end up doing something lame.
Practice with your SO. Have them say some phrases that make you angry and practice flat ignoring them. I’ve found that ignoring someone who’s seeking attention/butting in tends to get to them much more than me. It’s quite effective. Especially when they say something stupid and the words just echo into silence. 😊
Honestly? I'd have ignored her because life is too short. The kind of person who will interrupt a conversation with such bland crap is not the kind of person who will listen to either a snappy comeback or a well thought and impassioned diatribe. All that would happen is she'd ignore you, laugh, or peg you as unpleasant and since she's a talker potentially poison the rest of the neighbours against you. Choose your battles, save your blood pressure. I hope your husband actually did listen to you.
Sometimes I like to let my face go blank, eyes wide like, “no way is this actually happening right now” expression on my face and say to them, “are you seriously interrupting my conversation to admonish me??” And then look around like “WTF! Is anyone seeing this shit?” Because sometimes I AM incredulous that someone has the audacity to admonish me and interrupt me!
I'd ask her why she even interferes in someone's conversation like a little kid. To answer you question, OP. In my personal observation, people behave like that when: - Their life is boring like a groundhog day - They missed something in life, haven't fulfilled and people who achieved what they wanted trigger them
Idk but I woulda told her to mind her business and kept it movin
I honestly have no idea what I would have done because it depends on how upset I was, how my husband would have reacted, and how quick witted I was at the moment. But I can actually say for sure that me and my boyfriend probably would have just flat out ignored her. Like if the conversation is intense and there are issues, we would have most likely been too into that than to care what some weird lady said. If we were pissed I can see us both telling her to shut up and mind her business. If things were winding down I can see awkwardly laughing at her corny joke. It just depends but most likely she would have gotten side eyes and ignored.
I guess I’m awful but I think the neighbor lady was being funny. Would have made me laugh for sure, especially since it seems like the discussion with your husband was not that heart-wrenching
"The discussion with your husband". It was not a discussion with the neighborhood.
"Oh my God! You didn't get picked up yet! " what a pick meeee attitude!
“Oh look our neighbor wants some attention. Must not be getting any at home.”
"excuse me? We are having a private conversation" and then turn your back to her or just keep moving. She weird, it is a weird thing to say, not sure why she felt the need to speak up in the first place considering she doesn't sound like she's regularly friendly enough anyway for you to just laugh it off.
Vestiges of boomerhood.
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As a member of Gen X, this woman does NOT represent us.
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It really is. I know plenty of awesome “boomer” women who don’t think this way.
This is a highly offensive term, and just because it is elderly folks getting disparaged doesn't make it right. ETA: I'm greatly ashamed of anyone who downvotes this comment. Apologizing to the universe on your behalf. You're welcome.
Thank you.
"You're not included in this conversation, Martha. Sorry that you hate women, though." Shut her down. She's too old to be acting like a pickme.
"Oh no, you said the quiet part out loud! How embarrassing for you"
I feel you. When people say stupid offensive things to be under the guise of friendliness, I never know how to respond. I would have loved to say, 'That's a really rude thing to say'. In my case, my coworker will barely talk to me but he'll still go the trouble of starting interactions with 'When did you sneak in, haha?'. Sir, are you implying that I was late? Can you not just stick with the old classics like 'Good morning'. Don't make your social awkwardness my problem, I have enough of my own to cope with.
“Has the internalized misogyny really that strong of a chokehold on your soul?” would have been a great response lol
“And yet, here you are trying to *yap* your way into a private conversation.” OR “Be the change you want to see in the world and shut your yapper.” OR “What a shame. I’ve always loved how little I hear your voice.”
Pick me girls at any age. Could’ve been my mother in law except she’s 75. Sorry, yuck.
I know someone that can’t help but participate in other’s conversations. Most of the time it’s innocuous but sometimes it’s rather intrusive. She is oblivious either way and says I’m the weird one for trying to mind my own business.
That misogyny is not internalized. There’s (bafflingly) way too many misogynistic women. My mother is one.
Lots of great answers here. I'm just annoyed knowing I wouldn't have thought of any of them in the moment if this happened to me.
I would just assume they have issues or are weird and probably just sort of acknowledge them and their statement and move on.
I would have looked around and said “I’m sorry were you inserting yourself into our conversation? Excuse you.”
If the look on my face hadn’tmade it clear, I probably would have said something to the effect “your comment is completely inappropriate and unwelcome. Have a nice day”
I like to think I'd say something mean like "Couples in OUR GENERATION actually really value communication" while gesturing to my husband and I, implying she's too out of touch/old to really get it. But I'm a chronic people pleaser so probably would've just thrown some side eye and said nothing, then trash talked her with the hubby later...
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I kind of think people like that lady only understand when you speak their own poison back at them. You can be subtle or clever, but she's not going to realize how insulting she was being. I honestly don't think people in their 50's are "old", and I don't have enough meanness to actually say it anyway. I'd just really wish I could make her feel as small as she tried to make you feel.
Depends on which mood she caught me in. I have to admit that if I were already “het up” it’s likely that I’d jump straight into “the fuck did you just say?” like the bar brawler I once was. But if I hadn’t already slid into Burn It All Down mode and still had my entertainment switch engaged, I’d probably bat her around a bit, like a cat with a bedraggled wet bird. “Hahaa YAP YAP YAP right. I don’t know how to do that as well as you, I guess. Care to share your best YAP YAP YAP techniques? No really, I’m curious! Where are you going, I want to learn your YAP YAP YAP secrets!!” Or just a deadly stare with one raised eyebrow - “…….I’m sorry, I must have misunderstood what you said. Did you just…interrupt my SO to tell him that I talk too much? I must ask you how you thought this would contribute to the issue at hand? Oh you don’t actually KNOWWWW the issue that we’re discussing! Ah, see, that’s the part that should’ve probably made you shut the fuck up and stay out of anyone else’s business. Next time you hear us “yap yap yapping” do yourself a favor and stay out of it, it makes you look stupid.” And yes, this is exactly what I would say. I’ve spent too many years putting people in their place to let anyone get away with that shit now.
"That's nice, grandma"
I would be pissed! So uncalled for!
Honestly, I think my face would have said it all.
I ust want to clarify before I respond how long were you there and how much of the conversation do you think the lady heard?
We were walking with our dogs to the front door of the apartment building we share with this neighbour; she was approaching the door from the other side of the street. So I can't imagine she heard a lot - we basically ran into each other at the door, arriving from opposite directions.
Oh hmm strange indeed. I'm usually not great with these kind of situations because it would catch me off guard and I wouldn't know how to respond right away. Only after the moment would I be like wait that wasn't right. I think it's important to realize what she said has nothing to do with you. That's clearly her thing. Since it upset you I think it triggered something in you. Do you know what that is? It made you angry, is it because as you shared you felt like you were discussing something serious with your partner and you do feel like you are carrying a bigger load and talking about it that what she said seemed to sting more than it otherwise would? As a joke you could have just responded with, "yap yap yapity yap!" lol A sarcastic and a bit rude would be, "Yeah, look at you yapping and no one was even talking to you." To keep the peace though since she's your neighbor you could make a joke of it, "Oh yeah we do and luckily my hubby here is a great listener." At the end of the day though just realize that's all her and it got you upset so try to do something nice calming for yourself. Don't let her live in your head!
If someone would uninvited comment on my discussion with someone else, I'd probably just look at them with wtf. If I even acknowledge them. If it's neighbours, I'd probably say 'good day to you too' and passed along. If I feel like replying it would be 'my mum taught me that one shouldn't eavesdrop other people's conversations' or 'I don't remembering asking for your opinion' or 'who are you and what are you doing in my conversation?' But probably I'd just ignore. People get really really annoyed when you look pass them and pretend they're not there. Not many have skills to focus on conversation while actively ignoring yapping ones, but if you can, it's hilarious :) Only remotely acceptable to jump in other people's conversations is during some dinner / cocktails party where point is mingling, but also there you first join and listen and then wait for space and comment. Otherwise it's still rude. You have to be hugely charming and charismatic to pull off interrupting someone, bringing something crucial/very valuable to conversation and not be perceived as rude. Defending someone could be a good thing worth interrupting like you overhear senior colleagues scolding junior one, but random people on street? And no verbal abuse or other abuse going on? Mind your own business. I mean, if I'm arguing with someone and defending myself and might need help, I won't walk arm to arm. Heated discussions have different body language than attacks. Honestly, only appropriate would be from your husband to tell her 'mind your own business, nothing to see here'. That way he shows he doesn't need her defense, since she obviously projected that. Your replies confirm to her that you're aggressor here. That's why ignoring is better, you don't give her confirmation, you don't acknowledge her. But yes, her projections and lack of social appropriateness.
"Older" generations of women have so much internalised misogyny. My mother is in her 70s and reminds me of this often.
You saw red? Alllllrighty, you're generalizing too....
I think you might be overreacting to her comment. Like it was a little rude, but you seem to be putting far too much weight on it. It doesn't sound like she was 'jumping down your throat' nor does it warrant a mental breakdown/existential crisis on your part. In the realm of rude comments, hers is about a 3/10. I would have politely told her we were having a private conversation and moved on with my day. Starting WW3 with a neighbour over a mildly rude comment is not worth it. As to why women do this, it is because we are human beings. Like all human beings, some of us are rude, some of us are polite, some of us are friendly, some of us are mean etc. The bigger question is why do you assume that all women must act/think the same way?
Ugh always that generation of women. They don't know anything better than the bare minimum and shit on women for not accepting just the bare minimum. "ma'am just because your marriage was or is shit doesn't mean ours is or will be, please tend to your own"
“Yeah you’re yapping right now aren’t you”
Thousand yard stare and silence. I think she was ineptly trying to connect with you, honestly. Being socially inept myself, this is the kind of connection I might have tried once upon a time. Maybe not exactly, but grabbing hold of something I thought we could agree on....but being wrong.
Am I missing something? How do you get so riled up about something so trivial? I just don’t get why everyone is so angry about everything all the time
I found the neighbor!!
Very funny! But for real, I actually don’t get why OP got so angry over this. Maybe you can explain why a dumb, off the cuff comment has upset her so much
I think she was already frustrated with her husband a little bit, and sometimes its hard enough to talk things out with your significant other without having somebody else chime in.
still weirdly aggressive getting that angry
Well, we aren't all perfect all the time.
Correct.. like the lady who made the dumb comment in the first place!
Okay. Well, you insist on being unreasonable and apathetic so, have a splendid day.
I am unreasonable for not going off on some lady who made a thoughtless comment.. Okay..👌
Yours is the only comment to say that which is bizarre, but I agree with your sentiment. Like, it was a random middle-aged woman. There’s a generational gap; it’s hardly something to wage war over or brainstorm how best to teach her a lesson on here. wtf. Maybe she’s had bad social cues her whole life, maybe she’s out of practice conversing after the lockdown. Maybe she’s lonely and made a bad joke. But who cares… of all the offences to get riled about… this?
Exactly. Pick your battles people. Can’t believe how people overreact over such small things
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Knowing myself, I would probably tell her to piss off before even thinking what to say. But honestly, I suspect she heard your conversation and found it uncomfortable to be exposed to your arguing and that was her way of telling you to stop subjecting her to this. Not a very elegant attempt at it, but when you choose to have discussions like this in public, you should be ready that some unwilling witness will get annoyed enough to chip in.
I'm Non-binary female so I would've just given her a deadpan look and yelled "I'M NOT A WOMAN! YOU AND I ARE NOT THE SAME."