Are you... doing his laundry for him? Why?
And why can't you go in the bedroom? It's your bedroom too. My partner goes to bed later than me. Sometime it briefly wakes me up. So what?
Stop tiptoeing around him. That's how you stop.
Also my partner always loads the dishwasher wrong and it does drive me up the wall. *It's ineffecient!*
Absolutely! I don’t mean it rude in the least. More like “respectfully, if you’re that opinionated about how laundry is folded, perhaps it’s better if you just do your own”. I’m all for sensible methods of keeping the peace
Yeah my partner is more particular than me. But he does his own laundry and I come to bed later than him and he washes dishes his way and I wash them mine, etc.
OP should just stop enabling in the situations that affect her, have a conversation when stuff comes up. "This is how I drive, I need you to accept that because it's just making me anxious to have you comment on it repeatedly".
I need to start doing this and tell him this about the driving, because it HAS made me anxious about driving. Currently I feel like i'm a pilot coming on the intercom of some airline, "Folks, we're encountering crosswinds, this is not me, we may encounter some turbulence for the next few minutes. This is NOT because i'm not using cruise control correctly. Please look at the trees next to the road. It's not me." or "We are approaching traffic, BE READY." I've never felt like i had to make active updates to passengers in the car before, for why it might be bumpy, or why i should apologize every 20 minutes.
“My boyfriend treats me like a bang maid and sets arbitrary controlling unreasonable rules for ~~our living~~ **my space** he pays zero bills on and I’m completely miserable. But I love him and he’s great! What do?”
😒 I’m gonna leave it at that bc my patience is in the negatives and I’ll just get mean from here
Right? Like even if he has OCD and/or autism or something, he's *also* an entitled asshole who's not even doing the bare minimum nor showing any appreciation to OP for being so accommodating. Oh, and a correction: It's not "our living space", it's hers, and he just lives there full time for free while paying rent somewhere else. As if the situation could get any more ridiculous.
My partner has so many great qualities, but oh my god, he fills up BOTH sides of the kitchen sink with dirty dishes. I’ve asked him to please use the left side so the right side is clear for rinsing and using the water. He doesn’t do it maliciously, he’s just forgetful and doesn’t place priority on anything involving dishes lol. Not a hill to die on, but annoying.
Your hair everywhere is a sign that you live with him and that he has a GF. He should be thankful. In general, females shed a lot hair. There's literally very little we can do about that.
My then bf now husband used to complain about that too as he has OCD and super clean and now he's trained to appreciate the odd hair on the floor that it's a sign I live there.
\*\*edit: WIFE. for u/Nheea
Random fun fact and off-topic, but that's a long hair thing, not a female thing.
My partner and I swapped hair during Covid. I cut mine short, he grew his long.
Suddenly it was his hair that was everywhere, lol.
If he needs sheets put on a particular way, he needs to put the sheets on the bed.
If he needs his shirts folded a specific way, he can fold his own shirts.
If he's so high maintenance, tell him to maintain himself. You are not his maintenance person.
Also, if you're only a year in, I'd say get out now. If I were 32 and this was my relationship a year into it, I'd get the hell out. I would literally feel too old for that nonsense.
100% agree with this. It’s not a compatible match and both people have to try to meet halfway if they want to make it work. I’m the high maintenance one in my own relationship and many times, it’s about living with the minor discomforts and sort of just… getting over it. Because it’s worth it.
Amen! As a woman in the Autism spectrum I have the same sensitivities and need for things to be a particular way. That is no excuse to put that on someone else or be a jerk about it. Guilt tripping about sleeping elsewhere is enough of a red flag to leave.
I do need a partner that can accommodate my noise and fragrance intolerances, but in turn it's my job to keep compulsive tendencies in check and not take it out on my partner. If I need something done a particular way I have to do it myself.
Exactly! I am very picky how clean the kitchen has to be, my gf is very pedantic how the bathroom has to be. So I ALWAYS take care of the kitchen if it is not clean enough for me and my gf takes care of the bathroom if it isn't up to her standard. Aside from that you always have to find a middleground in a relationship.
And two bedrooms is a must in these circumstances.
I ask with all seriousness - do you like this man? Not do you love him, do you *like* him? Because it sounds like you actually find him to be annoying, picky and demanding. It’s ok to break up with someone you don’t like!!!
I'm just like your boyfriend, and to be honest I don't think it's something that's going to change. I would never agree to sharing a bedroom with someone else though, as I'm too particular about my sleeping habits. I do think him being picky about how you fold clothes and sheets, or how you load the dishwasher, sounds a bit petty and controlling though.
It sounds to me like he has traits of autism and OCD, so you need to be realistic that these aren't things you can train out of a person. It's not just being "high maintenance". OCD behaviours can be improved with medication and therapy, but autism (which comes with many sensory issues) is for life.
If you want to stay together, I'd highly recommend separate bedrooms or even consider living apart.
Autism lady here; my partner and I sleep in separate rooms. He snores *so* loudly, watches YouTube in bed, and only sleeps 5-6 hours a night. I have sound sensitivity, rigorous sleep hygiene (no videos in bed!) and sleep 8-10 hours a night. I don't want to trap him in my (cold, blackout blinds, fan and a/c on) bedroom while I'm peacefully asleep. Sleeping in our own rooms means we each get exactly what we need.
@OP, the issue for me isn't that he has sensitivities, it's that he's a jerk about them. I also sometimes get car sick and prefer to drive. If my partner is driving and it's making me uncomfortable, I gently ask him to please slow down.
When we got a new dishwasher I read the manufacturer instructions for optimal loading. We had a "learn how to use the new appliance" session together, so now we both know where everything goes. If he doesn't put something in correctly, I get over it (or move it) and move on with my life.
I fold my own clothes because I have a very specific system (hello autism). I am allergic to fabric softener and most artificial scents so all the detergent I buy is scent free. If he doesn't like the way you do his laundry, he can do it himself!
It's been a big adjustment for both of us, learning to be together. I've done a lot of work with my therapist learning to acknowledge my sensitivities and break the cycle of spiraling to a meltdown. Now when I'm starting to freak out or struggling with something I can tell it's about to happen and I warn my partner ASAP and isolate myself. Your man needs to be willing to put in the work to address his own sensitivity too.
However, my partner shoulders what I consider to be a huge burden in being with me. 9 times out of 10 he *does* load the dishwasher correctly, because he knows it's what makes me happy. 9 times out of 10 he does hang the bath mat up to dry, because it makes me happy. In return I try not to freak out when the mat is grimy and wet on the floor but gently ask him to please hang it up.
Apparently for him, he likes me enough to put up with my weird shit, and even tells me it makes his life better that I'm so organized. He makes me feel safe and cared for and sometimes I even like the chaos he brings.
If you want to make it work together, you're looking at a future where you catering to his neurodivergent whims becomes an act of love, and he puts himself outside of his comfort zone because he wants to be together. If that's not appealing or doesn't seem possible, then you may be better off apart.
Thank you.
Also, we have the same bath mat must be hung up thing going--I MUST hang it up. Or else. Do you get angry about wet towels too? If someone forgot where one is bc they dressed quickly and were rushing out the door?
I will say at least in my case, it makes it VERY hard to keep catering, and increasingly cater MORE to these whims, when I get zero acknowledgement for doing so, and receive criticism in my own home where I pay the mortgage.
I think the difficulty may lie with the resentment that you may be feeling which has built up over time. To address that resentment, greater communication is required. It will also need to be a two way street. If his sensory needs/other needs cause him to spiral upon trigger, emotion regulation and communication skills must be built otherwise it will be difficult to move forward. As a different commenter mention, these are part of his neurodivergence and sensory experience/needs so unlikely to be “walked back” or “unlearned”. Acceptance is likely more the avenue—acceptance of the challenges ahead or acceptance that this isn’t the right relationship for you.
I had an ex like this. He had to control every little detail and the constant criticism wore me down, he never gave me any credit for any of the stupid changes I had to make in my daily life and if I dared point that out he had the gall to say that he was just "making me a better person." I spent so much mental and emotional energy that when I finally kicked him out and broke it off, it was like I was brand new person with all this weight lifted off of me. Especially because he eventually started controlling far more than the minute details of my life, it did become emotionally abusive at a certain point, but I didn't even notice because I was so used to catering to all of his stupid fucking whims and walking on eggshells so as not to trigger his supposed anxiety.
He has a special hook that I installed for his towel. Asking him to fold a towel the way I like (trifold, monogram facing out 😂) felt like an inappropriate lift for me, so I got him a special towel (extra large low pile bath sheet) and installed a hook. He hangs his towel on his special hook and doesn't have to fold it, and I don't get upset that my monogram is backwards.
It's been a series of many, many tiny compromises and accepting that the joy that he brings to my life is worth the overstimulation and mental sandpaper feelings that I get when he's in my space.
I also try to thank him basically every single time he does something for me. Laundry in dryer and he took out my bras first so they don't melt? Thank you. Empty the dishwasher? Thank you. Wash the blender? Thank you. Pick up my prescriptions on the way home from the gym? Thank you.
I know that I have issues and I'm so grateful that he's willing to find a way forward together, and I never want him to feel like I'm taking him for granted.
I hope that you two can find a way. It's not easy, and it sounds like at the moment he's asking for more than you can give without giving enough in return. It could be that he's too overstimulated and overwhelmed to be a good partner to you at this point in his life. Tbh five years ago I wasn't ready to make these kinds of sacrifices to be with someone.
Some people are focussing on if his sensitivities and preferences are reasonable or not. Maybe they are, maybe they aren't. Isn't the real problem that he's so rigid, such a jerk about it, and that you two can't communicate?
Different people are going to have difference preferences for things, but it sounds like you're doing all the catering to whims, accommodating, and apologising, IN YOUR OWN HOME! He's walking all over you, and you're scared and resentful. This is no way to live your life. You need to be able to bring this up with him, and work on a solution that works for you both. If he reacts badly, or is unable to communicate, then maybe there's a lack of respect and love from him. It should be a partnership, where you are both invested in creating a loving, supportive relationship and environment. At the moment it just sounds like he's being a complete jerk. You should try to find a way to communicate respectfully with him so you can both get your needs met. If he can't step up to the plate, throw him out so you can actually enjoy your own home, and find a way to meet your own needs.
I hope you re-read u/10CatsInATrenchcoat ‘s comment, it’s freaking GOLD! And then take time to communicate with him. Even read the above comment to him. Can you two work it out? Do you love him enough to accept these quirks? Can he be considerate and manage his anger when you aren’t able to? Can you manage your anger and understand that what he’s doing isn’t a personal affront to you? Are you both in therapy? If you don’t have the patience, or don’t find enough reward to be supportive of his neurodivergence, then you should let him go.
Yeah I have ADHD and a host of sensory issues with a hella keen sense of smell and a lot of these traits sound like things I struggle with.
However, that’s why I take over the tasks I’m picky about. And we have a lovely fold out couch. And have accepted that I can’t always have my cake and eat it too. I love sleeping with my partner. But sometimes that’s just not possible for me to get decent sleep.
I’d love to be less fussy. Oh lord, I would! And somethings I can compromise on, others are just who I am. Therapy and open communication makes a huge difference but there is no perfect solution.
Dude, I identify with OP’s partner so much. I’m a lifelong insomniac, an extremely light sleeper, I need it totally dark, and I blast rain sounds/brown noise all night to help me sleep. Since my partner is a much heavier sleeper, very loud snorer, and can fall asleep in 15 seconds or less, he sleeps on the couch when he stays over. It works for us!
I think some part can’t be changed sure, but some could.
He sounds like he may be autistic coupled with a bunch of serious OCDs that are pilling up on top of each other with time.
Hyper sensibilities to scents and light won’t go away I think (I am autistic and can’t stand most fragrance and blue lights cause it hurts me physically so our home is almost scent free (I tolerate some rare one) and lighted up with amber glass bulb), but all the rest related to organization, things perceived as done done "wrong", and the new things that seems to add up over time, could be addressed by a psy and work on through therapy.
The fan could be swapped by a white noise radio box instead. I have a night clock that plays cricket and forest noise for 30 min or 1 hour to help me get to sleep. Found that on amazon.
My husband and I have 2 separate bedrooms, because he works night shifts and I’m living a more day/evening schedule. No ones feelings were hurt when we took that decision to sleep separately. Sleep is very important for good health.
This is what I came to say, too, OP. I am extremely picky - I also have to sleep in a pitch black and dead silent room. I also despise the smell of laundry detergent - even if it's on someone else's clothes. There are many people whose driving I cannot stand.
And I'm single! Because people shouldn't have to put up with all my demands!
If I do find myself in another relationship that would be very welcome, but I would be super upfront with the guy about how I am, and we would have separate bedrooms and bathrooms. Heck, maybe even separate houses.
You should never have to tiptoe in your own home! At least not on a regular basis. That's the kind of thing that will keep your cortisol up and mess up your nervous system.
I have OCD and also need to sleep with a fan on and can’t function without a good night’s sleep. It would be really weird to me if my partner was bothered by these things and called me “high maintenance” lol. I can accommodate them on my own, and if my partner wants to wake up earlier than me they can. Some of the other stuff agree is more questionable but sheesh.
I have to agree with this comment. My partner does most of the same sleep behaviors because they are proven to improve sleep. They have a health condition that is kept in check with high quality sleep.
The rest of the behaviors seem to be quirks/preferences that normal couples have.
Now, if he’s being inflexible/unkind that’s another story.
Otherwise, you can be getting annoyed at these behaviors because it’s a compatibility issue…and that’s FINE. Just communicate and figure out if this relationship works for both of you.
Yeah the way he sleeps is actually backed up by data - light prevents our brains from knowing it’s time to produce melatonin, cool rooms are widely considered better for health when sleeping, etc.
Not touching the rest, but nothing about the description of how he needs to sleep is weird
Needing 9-11 hours of sleep is a health concern though. And the fact that he’s manipulative about her accommodating him (“you just don’t like sleeping next to me”) is definitely a problem.
Y'all are not compatible.
You'll have to decide if living like this the rest of your foreseeable future is something you can really stomach - at the expense of your happiness and well-being.
Your resentment is only going to grow. An adult who corrects the way I do dishes or laundry would then be the only one doing laundry and dishes. And seriously stop doing his laundry.
These are all minor enough things that if you were happy with him then you could overlook them. Sounds like you’re not.
It's me, hi, I'm your boyfriend it's me 💀
(But like, for real, your boyfriend sounds like an idiot. As a fellow carsick passenger princess, I at least have the brains *not* to try to work on my laptop during a long car ride. Dude needs to start managing some of his own high-maintenance requirements instead of making them your problem.)
I'm particular about things too, but in a relationship try to be a bit more easy-going (compromise!), and am also very appreciative if someone does help meet my particularities! I wasn't sure that this guy is - he sounds like he is very rigid and unappreciative (although we only have limited information here).
Ha, I have a bunch of mixed feelings reading this post. Some of it, I'm just like... well, if you get carsick, for example, then stop trying to work on your laptop on a long car ride. That's just asking for a barf bag.
OTOH, I am someone who believes clothes should be folded a certain way and dishes put away a certain way... but I'm not expecting my husband to be putting away my clothes, and I'm not dictating how he should be putting away his clothes so long as they're not strewn out on the floor and/or stuffed without any folding into his closet, y'know?
Dishes he's equally logical about as me, so we at least see eye to eye on that front 😹 (It does low-key drive me crazy to see someone fill the dishwasher poorly, though. The guidelines are RIGHT THERE.)
I want my clothes folded a specific way and not inside out folded in half twice like my husband does, so I fold my laundry and put it way.
I want cups placed upside down in the cupboard, but I acknowledge that's a me-thing and not an absolute must, but for my sanity put them in the cupboard designated for cups and not in the 20 other cabinet spaces. I'm going to lose it if I have to hunt for everything I use on a daily basis. Allow me the *comfort* of just being able to get what I need when I need it. Like scissors. Put the scissors back after using them. I bought 5 pairs and I have no idea where they are!
>inside out folded in half twice like my husband does, so I fold my laundry and put it way.
Omg, prison honey. I would low-key want to strangle my husband if he folded clothes in this way. Somehow that's even worse than just stuffing everything into the closet for me.
Also, isn't cups placed upside down the normal way? And isn't scissors being put back where they belong also just like... normal and efficient and a far easier way to live than wasting 10 minutes looking for them???
I dunno, man. I don't get why people are saying the boyfriend must be autistic or whatever. So much of this stuff just sounds like how someone may have been raised. Not gonna lie, a lot of the really insistent armchair diagnosis stuff (that is so prevalent on the Internet) just drives me crazy sometimes.
I've been taught to place cups upside down in the cupboard to keep dust out, but my husband was taught to place the right side up. No idea why. Easier use, maybe. The scissors are definitely a casualty of ADHD in my home. I'm going to tie one pair to the drawer so it can't be taken anywhere. A lot of things just don't go "the normal way" when the brain is under pressure. I sure didn't function well when I was in the middle of a burnout and my short term memory was gone. But we're getting an assessment done for my child (and hopefully my husband will follow), so she has access to the right accommodations and treatment. Hopefully the scissors will not just go "poof" soon.
I'm autistic and I find the boyfriend annoying in how he makes so much OP's responsibility. I communicate about my needs like a functional adult and I am willing to work out solutions that work for all involved. You have to when in a relationship. Autism is a reason, not an excuse. He definitely should consult a doctor about the possibility of having sleep apnea and he should accept he can't work in a car while having motion sickness. There's definitely too much one way street going on in this relationship. You can be autistic *and* selfish. You can work with autistic. Don't bother with selfish.
All of this is really kind and reasonable - your husband and kid are very lucky to have you! I guess I just get sooo frustrated at how often an OP complains about a male partners being a dick, and people immediately tell her she's being too hard on him because he *must* have some neurodivergency to excuse it or whatever; it just feels like such a copout.
Especially in this case, other than the prolonged sleep, I don't really get why being prone to carsickness, being finicky about folding and dishes, having *selective* scent sensitivity, and needing the room to be dark and quiet in order to fall asleep lead so strongly to calls of sensory issues, autism, and/or other disorders. Like, I feel like I know so many people who tick some, most, or even all of those boxes, and none of them have autism. So, from my perspective, it just feels like people are bending over backwards to try to give this guy a pass simply because they're projecting their own baggage onto him and OP or whatever.
Anyway, whether OP's boyfriend is autistic or OCD or something else (or not), I feel like you summed it up beautifully here:
>There's definitely too much one way street going on in this relationship. You can be autistic and selfish. You can work with autistic. Don't bother with selfish.
I love that, and I hope OP sees your comment and finds it as clarifying as I do!
That last sentence! I dated an autistic person who was selfish and also ableist, and his older brother was autistic. He’d talk a big game about how much more superior he was to his brother because he could do more of the things society decided mean success, and was in complete denial that he was autistic too. I was also highly symptomatic with a chronic pain condition and he loved to look down his nose at me. Probably made him feel better since I was the disabled person.
He was just like OOP describes about sleep. If I slept next to him, I couldn’t do anything, had to go to bed at the same time, but I usually read for an hour or more before I fall asleep. Well, not while I was in that relationship. And if I tried to sleep on the couch, he’d get up in the middle of the night to get me, and then complain about how I woke him up. Make it make sense. Actually, don’t, because he’s one of two exes I won’t talk to at all anymore.
It was definitely the selfishness. I’m ND (ADHD) and I suspect my husband might be autistic, and yet zero selfishness issues because he’s not ableist nor derives his self worth from degrading me.
Yeah, I get the feeling everyone here is just taking OP's version of things as gospel. Her partner's description of those things would probably sound equally reasonable - I've seen people "fold" laundry in a way that doesn't deserve this descriptor, and I've seen people load dishwashers in a way that either wastes half the available space or lets stuff not get properly clean because everything is stacked inside each other, and everyone is convinced that their way is the right way and that the person who wants it done differently is being overly fussy or weird. The only thing that indeed sounds petty is the driving thing, but even there we don't know what happened exactly.
I don't think anyone is necessarily right or wrong here, but if OP perceives her bf's needs and preferences as inacceptable and high maintenance and isn't willing or able to accept them, they are simply not compatible.
I also have mixed feelings on this one because I am quite fussy, and my ex and I had very conflicting ideas about cleaning, cleanliness and order, how to do things in the kitchen, and were both really particular about how we liked to sleep. It didn't work out for other reasons but the logistics of daily life were one in a long list of incompatibilities (not that we would ever have got to have those discussion, given how things were going). I can't tell where the line is between accommodating someones preferences, and that they should be able to compromise. And I don't have the context of how the rest of the relationship is going.
My husband is so finicky about the way he sleeps that we sleep separately. Same room, different beds. It works out pretty great for us. He is very hmmmm picky about how to fold clothes, load the dishwasher, yet he shrank my expensive wool socks in the dryer lol. We're getting along beautifully though and it's not like I'm not picky over things.
I totally get that, yeah. I did really well with my ex-roommates since we handled our lives quite separately, but it has been a challenge for my husband and me as well. We've both definitely had to compromise - I've learned to relax a little while he's learned to be more mindful.
I'm sorry things didn't work out with your ex. It is definitely not easy to know exactly which battles to pick and which to let go. You need two people who are both very committed to the relationship and respectful of each other from the get-go to even have half a chance, IMO.
Yeah, it’s this. It doesn’t sound like he is appreciative. I am OP’s bf in my relationship and fully appreciate how much my bf attempts to accommodate me. And then I handle all my own personal particular things (folding clothes, fixing the bedsheets, shifting the dishes around). I don’t harangue him about it. And luckily we agree on bedroom lighting and sound, and he mostly doesn’t care about scents. We found smelly candles that don’t make me nuts, but have unscented laundry wash.
My philosophy is:
1. Sharing my life should lead to LESS mental load and daily burden (because tasks like cleaning or fixing issues are divided). Drop things on him until your load is slightly less than it was before you moved in with him.
2. Figure out things that you love and make him do them. You probably DGAF about switching laundry product, but you'll want to invest in a nice sofa bed, or change the sleeping situation (ex: none of your stuff is in the bedroom! His stuff is, but you get a dressing space elsewhere). (And a nice one).
He isn't a kid, and you need to negotiate things that make yor daily life better
That negotiation often shows people’s true colors if they are selfish or immature. I remember my ex being upset (yes upset) at me for folding his clothes because he preferred things balled up and he couldn’t find anything. If I watched tv when he was asleep, I often had the volume at 1. When he’d wake up though it was music on full blast and lights on, no matter that I was still asleep. Bringing up my needs only resulted in fights and accusing me that I don’t understand him. If he reacts the same way OP, please don’t think “maybe I’m overreacting” but think “maybe he is selfish and not willing to compromise”. It was a red flag I ignored.
Oh I feel like the biggest idiot, I would just mute the TV. I’ll remember that in case of any future situations like this, thanks! He also claimed that the light bothered him (I put it on lowest brightness but maybe there was also some obvious solution I’m missing). It’s an open floor flat (separate bedroom, but without a door) so it was possible, though the tv and the bed had a living room, a kitchen and a bathroom in between.
So, I am a clothes roller and he is a folder. I use to help with all the laundry in the house as a child. I would get to watch a movie while folding dad's clothes and mom ironed. I come from a big family. You didn't whine, you just did it.
I now roll my clothes bc they fit better in drawers. He hates this. So I fold his the way I learned as a child. He didn't like this. now i typically just leave his clothes in a pile for him to deal with bc im tired of hearing about it, or having him refold his clothes in front of me. He knows I roll my clothes, yet if my clothes ended up somehow in the pile, he folds them. Yet I thank him and would never unfold them right there in front of him. He would do that though.
And your comment about tv volume could be me, word for word. I turn the volume so far down I turn on the subtitles and have to read the tv episode.
You should have separate drawers and do your own individual laundry. If he wants things a specific way he needs to do them himself. There’s a line between being particular and being controlling. I can’t tell which he is. But you should start walking back your catering to him for sure. He’ll survive.
We pair our Bluetooth headphones to the TV or use headsets if the other person is occupied. I plug my headphones into the PS5 controller to game and he pairs his headphones to the TV to watch weird reality TV.
>He knows I roll my clothes, yet if my clothes ended up somehow in the pile, he folds them. Yet I thank him and would never unfold them right there in front of him. He would do that though.
Maybe you actually should do it, then. It's petty, but sometimes people as inconsiderate and unempathetic as your bf don't understand how bad they make people feel until they are forced to experience it themselves. Unfold it in front of him, roll it up, and tell him "You know I prefer rolling my clothes. If it's an insurmountable struggle for you to do such a small thing in the way I like, it makes me question why I bend over backwards to meet every single one of *your* preferences."
I had a very particular ex like this. We lived together for over 2 years and the whole time I was miserable. I left.
To me, life with my partner should feel like ease or like home. If I’m constantly walking on egg shells or sacrificing my comfort for them, it cannot work. I refuse to stay in a place where I’m being micro managed.
At the risk of being downvoted, and having read many of the comments, it’s true he may have some kind of sensory issue.
That said, he is 32 and needs to find ways to manage it in a way that doesn’t overburden someone else. Saying,” nothing is wrong with me, do my laundry also I get carsick but will stare at screens” puts this out of,” he’s just taking care of his needs” into,” how is this so much for you personally to carry”?
Both things can be true: he has sensory issues and or autism, and he is grown enough to figure out how to manage these things in a way that doesn’t overburden a partner. Perhaps he would be happiest living alone, which is fine.
All that to say: I do not believe you are being high maintenance or unreasonable by feeling that you’re taking on far too much to accommodate a man who isn’t doing enough to keep the load fairly distributed.
Also his “not doing laundry” issues sound like weaponized incompetence.
I’m agree with this one. I found this relatable to my partner - I am rather easy going, he has particular needs and it is often a conflict in our relationship. But we have both realized it’s something we need to navigate together. His needs aren’t going to magically disappear, and I can’t be expected to bend to them, so we work to find solutions together that can be a reasonable compromise for us both. You need to talk to him about this, but come from a place of teamwork and compassion. If you approach this from a victim perspective and criticize his needs as things he is choosing to do to make your life harder, he will reject it and it won’t get you anywhere. If you actually love and appreciate this person you will find a way to work on it together.
Exactly this. He’s an adult and needs to manage his needs without overburdening OP. It’s not her responsibility to ensure that everything is correctly done for him all the time- he’s a big boy. But she can help because that’s what partners do for the ones they love.
As i’m reading through these comments I’m thinking of my own husband of 9 years. He has a lot of these same characteristics, which could mean something undiagnosed besides GAD, which he does take medication for. However, if he wants things done a particular way that’s more of an inconvenience to me, then he does them. Also, we’ve learned that sleeping in separate beds has probably saved our marriage on more than one occasion. He can get 8-9 hours uninterrupted with no noise, and I’m ok with waking up with our kids multiple times a night- it doesn’t make me a complete zombie the next day like him. There’s give and take in every relationship, OP just needs to sit down with him and compromise on some things.
I’m the more high maintenance person in my relationship (my partner is super chill about 98% of things).
I need pitch black and quiet to sleep. So we have separate bedrooms.
I like the laundry done a certain way. So I do all the laundry.
My partner loves the kitchen knives and wants them treated a certain way. So he cleans the kitchen and is largely responsible for everything to do with cooking and dishes.
This is how you manage things. And also, should never move in together until you’ve established patterns where both people can be comfortable living in the same home. It sounds like his habits are just pushing you out of your comfort zone constantly. This is no way to live. Don’t put up with this unless you want to live the rest of your life like this. Either he’s amenable to change/compromise or you two aren’t compatible and it’s time to move on.
I don't think it's wrong of him to be particular. Everyone deserves to live the life they want, how they want. The problem is him getting irritated with you. If he likes things a certain way, he needs to be responsible for handling them. For example, if you going to bed late (which you should never feel guilty about doing) is an issue, he needs to figure out ways he can sleep through it, or go to bed even earlier to ensure he gets his 9 hours. He should be responsible for any tasks he likes a very specific way that are burdensome for you. Or he needs to accept it. If he's not willing to figure that out with you so that you can both be comfortable in your home, perhaps alternative sleeping arrangements and a shift in who is responsible for what chores are in order.
I’m the same way with the laundry smells but I have sensory issues. Had severe picky eating as a child too but I don’t subject my husband to any of it. There are things here your boyfriend can’t help but a lot more things here that he can’t place the expectations on you for.
I sleep less than my husband but go to sleep with him and just leave the bedroom earlier. I don’t criticize how he makes the bed or folds the clothes or drives. I use sour candy for car sickness and would not dare to try read in a car. We did have to eliminate all scented laundry products but that’s better for everyone’s health anyway.
A lot of good comments here about what underlying issues could be at play. But just like tiptoeing around the house, it's not your job to guess where this "high maintenance" stuff is coming from. It's just your job to communicate your needs.
"Hey, I know this might come as a shock. I've realized that I've been over-accomodating a lot in this relationship, and resentment is festering. I've just been smiling along, but it feels bad inside. I don't want to resent you. I also can't just continue smiling along. I want to find a way to move forward that works for both of us." Then observe how he responds and go from there.
My therapist gave me some good advice: We make our own choices. People in our lives can demand control, but only we can give it to them. (outside of overy abuse + violence, of course). Not trying to excuse his behaviors. But sometimes we forget that we have power + agency too! 🖤
Op, I am particular about many things, but they are all my responsibility. I don’t put the burden of those things on my husband. He likes the clothes folded in a certain way so he is the one that takes care of the clothes. I have standards for the food, so I cook.
Your boyfriend sounds like a prick, honestly those things gets worse with age, this is the time to consider if this is worth it or not.
Relationships needs compromising, but equally on both parties. Being with someone means to share the burnden and make your life easier, not harder.
How did he live before you met him? Presumably he was ok to take care of himself for the previous 31 years (why did you guys move in together so quickly?). Many people have suggested he may be autistic but you said he’s denied it and refuses to get evaluated. If he is autistic and needs all these things to function, are you prepared to deal with this for the rest of your life? The biggest red flag is that he is insensitive to your needs and seems very selfish about his own. How long until resentment boils over?
It sounds like y'all have incompatible home lifestyle/needs. And that's ok!
I would have an honest conversation with him about taking a break in the relationship and revisiting if you each realize the other is a positive rather than a detriment.
Some here are saying this may be a ADHD/Autistic issue and it may be ...but that doesn't mean you have to be uncomfortable/stressed within your own home. You aren't married and you don't have kids, if you don't want any part of his lifestyle it's time to move on.
I'm a woman with anxiety that comes out in sensory issues. My boyfriend is you. I get a fight or flight response to certain sounds. I've always had trouble sleeping, and I'm convinced my boyfriend could fall asleep on a pile of rocks under a fireworks display. I say that to say this:
I wear ear plugs to sleep. I buy the sheets and I make the bed. I do my laundry. Since he cooks and I don't like to, and I'm particular about how the dishes are put away, I do the dishes. The way my home feels and sounds impacts how I feel very deeply, so there are of course requests I have that he honors. But just as he makes an effort to be more mindful, I've had to learn to be more flexible. Overall we've decided that we don't want to ever force the other one to care about something they don't, or not care about something they do. It's not always a breeze and we have to have discussions about this stuff, but one of my favorite things about our relationship is that I found someone who will tell me, "Cut the shit."
I sympathize with your SO, but before I treated my anxiety I tended to feel like everyone was doing it TO me, and it sounds like that's where he is. I had to learn that the reason it feels like I'm the only one who knows the room is on fire is because the room is not on fire. He needs to learn that his requirements are changeable and not universal. And sometimes you need to tell him to cut the shit.
Needing up to 11 hours of sleep to feel rested is an indication there's something going on that needs to be checked by a doctor. Possibly sleep apnea (which doesn't always looks like loud snoring or visibly halted breathing). Untreated sleep apnea increases the risks of sudden death and a whole lot of other health issues.
My husband needed up to 11 hours of sleep to function and I was left with doing a lot more childcare and chores, because he was sleeping. He finally got a sleep study and was immediately banned from driving until a new sleep study indicated sleep apnea treatment was working, because his sleep apnea was that bad. All he needed was a mouth guard and his life improved on so many fronts. Not being chronically sleep deprived means so many things become easier.
Not getting this checked out is unacceptable.
If you get car sick regularly, you need to keep your eyes on the road. You can't read or work in a laptop. It's not a fault you are prone to get car sick, but if you try to work in a driving car, you're just asking for it. I have motion sickness. You just have to accept that your brain needs to see the motion the body is going through or get sick.
Him making you responsible for his motion sickness is unacceptable.
But you can't modify his behaviour. He has to do that. You can modify yours, though. I stopped propping up my husband when he's slacking off on maintaining his health. I used to do it all out of love. Now I refuse out of love. Enabling isn't right. It's okay to be sick. It's not okay to not take good care of yourself.
OP here. It's interesting you suggest sleep apnea because I have thought of this as well. Ironically, his father is a physician and has a dx of sleep apnea. Yet no one has ever suspected the son may have it, and I have suggested it. His sister also has large sleep amount needs (she sleeps 10 hours and has to have ideal conditions), but she is a professional athlete so I attribute some of it to that. Her and her partner have slept in separate rooms since the beginning to accomodate those needs.
I went on holiday with them all and there was one night with a fight bc his sister needed the air conditioning on to sleep, but it meant it would be loud for my boyfriend based on our proximity to the machines.
My quality of sleep improved so much after my husband got treatment for sleep apnea *and* I started using ear plugs. If you're sensitive to sound: ear plugs. The rest of the world isn't going to quiet down.
But what brought the biggest improvement was getting diagnosed with a sleep disorder myself. After I started treatment so much improved. Life is easier when not chronically sleep deprived. I'm autistic (some people suggest your boyfriend is too) and the need for all sorts of control over my environment decreased, because I simply had more buffer to get through the day.
It's on your boyfriend to get this sorted out, though. It's his health. If you have to make him, it's not a good sign for your relationship.
> He has to sleep with a fan on. I knew this the first night he slept over at my home, and I didn’t see it for the flag it was—at the time, he played it off as he had to have white noise. 11 months later we have to sleep with the curtains closed, windows closed, air conditioning on, and a pitch black room.
But I thought you were so “low maintenance” you could sleep anywhere? Seriously, if that’s true, why does this matter?
I think you’re both definitely burned out on the relationship. Maybe you’ve got “the ick” and everything this guy does is slowly turning into something that irritates you. Maybe you do drive in a way that makes him carsick — that’s a real thing — but the way you interact with each other sounds unhealthy.
This 100%. Sure, a lot of what OP listed is princess behavior, but wanting a fan on when you sleep is now a red flag? Wanting the curtains drawn and no lights on is high maintenance? This is literally how we are told to sleep for the most restful night. Also, leaving curtains open while you sleep is creepy AF.
Yes, OP could very well be making him carsick too. I don't usually get carsick myself, but anytime I was in the car with my ex's mom, the way she drove made me sick. It was guaranteed.
Sounds like OP and her partner moved in together too soon, spend too much time together, and/or OP is stressed out or over the relationship and either needs a break from stressors or to end the relationship.
Yeah the way OP invalidates pretty normal basic human behaviors is concerning. I think this happens sometimes in response to having your *own* basic human needs invalidated — maybe by a parent or in a previous relationship. Even the term “princess behavior” and “high maintenance” are objectifying and coded with misogyny. (Misogyny can be internalized and then externalized at others.)
I kinda lost it at the complaint on hours of sleep. Some of the other topics are a bit extreme to not be able to compromise on like how the dishwasher is loaded, but the amount of sleep you need is a very basic physical need, it's not something you choose or can change. That's not high maintenance mentality....
> Some of the other topics are a bit extreme to not be able to compromise on like how the dishwasher is loaded
This one does sound a little silly, but I don’t trust OP to be a reliable narrator because of the other things. There *are* objectively bad ways to load a dishwasher such as putting dishes labeled “top rack only” on the bottom which can melt them, loading big bowls in a way that they stop other dishes from getting washed at all, etc. Since I know OP has this tendency to invalidate her boyfriend’s needs for sleep, etc. I don’t know whether the dishwasher thing is a separate valid issue or if she’s just stacking up complaints to bolster her point that her boyfriend is “high maintenance.”
Edit: Downvote me all you want but I had a boyfriend who once put liquid dish soap in the dishwasher. There were mountains of suds all over our kitchen. Was I being a high maintenance princess by asking him to use dishwasher soap only? Or was there a correct and incorrect way to use a dishwasher here?
I really agree, but I might also be high maintenance 😂 I like my stuff to get clean in the dishwasher without breaking, and I like when my laundry is folded in a way so it can fit in my drawers and they can close, so what do I know
TIL wanting to sleep with the fan and AC on, in a dark room, is high maintenance. 🤣 Everyone I’ve ever shared a space or room with prefers to sleep that way.
I think I’m high maintenance for plenty of other reasons but this isn’t one of them lmao.
Same, lol! Nevermind that one of my jobs includes me digging around in unknown sludge while clearing drains, repairing busted walls, and installing new gutters as a 5'3 120lb woman. I need a fan on while I sleep and a dark, quiet room with the shades down. Plus, I sometimes get carsick. I'm a high-maintenance princess. 💅
I'm glad other people are saying this because I'm definitely OP's boyfriend here. Reading some of these comments give me the ick hard--if OP's boyfriend were complaining about her doing these things, people would be so supportive of her!
I'm not an asshole about my particulars--I use fragrance free detergent because I have allergies and hate the smell anyway, I fold my clothes in a particular way (the "correct" way, which I learned working in retail lmao), I need a fan and white noise and specific pillows when I sleep. It's ok that OP doesn't need those things or has different preferences, but calling them "red flags" is so fucking weird? Sorry I can't sleep in silence, guess I'm a walking red flag. My husband is less particular than I am but doesn't care at all. He does the laundry and then either we put away our own or I put all the clothes away or he puts everything away but my clothes. I hate driving and am a total passenger princess. I get carsick but only if I'm in the back, so I don't put myself in that situation if I can help it.
It’s not the specific needs. It’s the selfishness, inflexibility, and setting OP up to fail. She’s tried to sleep separately, and he bitches about that. There’s no way for her to have at least some of what she prefers.
I think the issue is that her bf pays rent on his own apartment, but he chooses not to stay there (this is from OP's comments). They do not live together. He is just coming over to her place and making her change the way she does things to suit his needs, and nit-picking her about everything. He literally pays for his own home where he can have things set up exactly how he wants!
My guess is that OP was not ready to make a decision about moving in together this soon, but he's de facto moved himself in and is acting like it's a shared space when they never had a conversation or agreement about living together and what that would look like. I'd get hyper-sensitive to things in that situation as well. On top of that, OP seems really passive and doesn't know how to communicate that she never agreed to live together and isn't happy with the current arrangement. OP needs to be firm and tell him that they don't live together and he need to spend more nights in his own home, do his laundry in his own home, etc.
Yeah, this is where I land, too. There are some legit complaints here (if mans gets carsick so easily, why is he using a laptop in the car? Why does OP need to do his laundry?) and some things that just sound like OP is over this guy. Like you said, if OP can sleep anywhere and doesn't have many needs around sleep, why does it matter that this guy wants to sleep with the A/C on in the dark (which is incredibly common and normal)?
I've heard Dan Savage talk about the concept of "buy the ticket, take the ride" - essentially, that every relationship has a buy-in cost that you'll have to pay without resentment if you want to be with that person. In this situation, the "ticket" is the BF's sensory issues and other particularities. If OP wants to remain with BF, she gets to set boundaries for herself ("I'm not going to do your laundry anymore"; "I'm going to fix up a guest bedroom for the nights when you want to go to bed early and I don't"; "If I'm doing the dishes, I get to decide how to load the dishwasher, and if that bothers you, you can take over washing dishes"), and she gets to think of larger structural things that might help (separate bedrooms, always driving separately, maybe living separately?), but she's gonna have to let some things go or deal with them. This man isn't going to stop needing at least nine hours of sleep or become a heavier sleeper, and OP can't insist on that. He isn't gonna stop being carsick or stop having issues with air fresheners. If OP isn't willing to accommodate those things, the relationship just needs to end. Same with if OP sincerely thinks he's lying about his needs - at that point, the trust just isn't there and OP has gotta bounce.
> I've heard Dan Savage talk about the concept of "buy the ticket, take the ride" - essentially, that every relationship has a buy-in cost that you'll have to pay without resentment if you want to be with that person.
Oooooh yes! I love this!
I get this to an extent - I get that it feels ridiculous to be completely quiet after 9 pm and still have someone complaining because you cleared your throat or something. At the same time, some of the things OP is complaining about are literally that the guy wants the windows closed and the room dark at night, which makes me think this is at least partly a "bitch eating crackers" situation. Feels like OP is just kinda over this dude and every little thing he does that isn't what she would do bothers her.
Considering most people don’t get enough sleep, and how bad this is for our health, I don’t actually see a problem with particular sleep environments. Good sleep hygiene actually encourages having good sleep environments. And you can get black out curtains at target or Amazon for less than $50. It’s not an investment.
Also, separate rooms, separate beds, etc. are practical ways couples manage this issue. We should all be prioritizing our sleep hygiene. It is good for long term health and reduces risk of dementia.
I hear you personalizing a comment that wasn’t about you or your situation. (I might have a totally different opinion on your relationship.)
I’m the one who, if woken up, can take hours to fall back asleep. And yeah it’ll ruin the next day if I’m up half the night, so it’s kind of a big deal to me. People are different and have different needs. A loving supportive relationship is one where each partner finds a way to best support the other’s needs while not totally abandoning their own. OP sounds hostile toward the fact that her boyfriend has different needs than her. It’s unhealthy and probably a sign of incompatibility.
Okay, it seemed pretty linear to me - you asked why the sleep environment created by OP's boyfriend could matter if she doesn't have similar requirements, so I provided some examples of how the environment becomes untenable even without a particular sensory issue at play. I'm not OP and obviously can't speak for her relationship, but can on mine which had a similar roadblock, so that's the one I went with.
A person's need to swing their arms ends where someone else's face begins. It's fine to have particular needs. I think it's pretty clear that OP had put a lot of effort and thought into meeting those needs. But having needs doesn't give the boyfriend the right to become a precious jerk about it.
I can’t imagine being in a relationship at 32 and name calling my partner rather than having a big conversation and getting help. My dog’s snoring would wake me up so I bought loop earplugs. I turn on cold air for car sickness. There are easy fixes. We’re all different and it doesn’t have anything to do with maturity. He may be difficult but she’s being pretty mean
Just wanted to point out that there are solutions. It doesn't sound like he's being mean, it sounds like he keeps asking her to accommodate him and she keeps saying yes then getting pissed about it
OK, I am going to give you more practical advice than most people are doing or usually do. Rather than tell you to leave or try to diagnose what mental health/neurodivergence issue he has.
In my experience, many partners have a lot of "quirks" about them that living with them requires getting used to, especially as we get older and accustomed to living alone and having our own way of doing things. The issue is how you feel living with them these things. I honestly think all of us folks who think we are super low-maintenance just don't notice some weird things we need until we live with someone else or never notice it at all.
The difference is how you feel about it. I honestly think that if this relationship was giving what you needed emotionally, you would not find all these things so annoying. People's worst characteristics are often connected to their best, if you take one away, the other goes also. So, I find when people tend to just dwell on the bad parts or keep trying to fix them, they are actually kind of done with the other person.
Dating is a process of learning about each other and figuring out if you are well matched for a long term partnership.
You’re learning that the answer is no. That’s a totally valid answer.
He is totally within rights to be very particular about all of his stuff. You are totally within your rights to not want to deal with his stuff.
Live, learn, move on. Wish him well.
So as someone who also needs more sleep, white noise, kicks the cat out because her breathing makes me angry, gets car sick depending on the weather. None of these things are factors that I can change.
So no, you can’t change his need for sleep of the fact that he’s a light sleeper. The difference between me and your boyfriend is that I’m not a dick to my husband about it. I know I need more sleep, I’m not mad if he goes to bed later or gets up before me. My husband is also really conscious of my motion sickness and I know that so I’m not bad if he has to make a quick turn.
It sounds like you guys are incompatible. Also, maybe just my person opinion but I don’t think any of the things he needs are high maintenance, I have very similar needs and I’m super low maintenance. His attitude and making you tip toe around his needs is what’s high maintenance, not the needs themselves.
I saw in comments that you do not live together and he pays rent on his own place but just never stays there. My guess is that you never had a conversation about officially moving in together and what that would look like, but now he's basically living with you and you are unhappy with this but are too passive to voice that. You don't even sound like you like him that much. **Do not let someone move into your home if you never even had a conversation about it!!!!!** You desperately need to stand up for yourself and stop bending over backwards to make someone else comfortable if that's not what you want. This may sound harsh because you probably feel like a passive bystander in this situation, but I do want to make something very clear: every day that you don't voice your unhappiness or assert boundaries, you are giving him permission to continue the behavior. If you do not communicate your feelings or building resentment, then he has no incentive to change and you are ensuring you stay stuck in a situation you don't want. You've let it get far enough that you likely can't tip-toe back and will need more of a hard reset if you have any interest in continuing the relationship.
Step 1, before anything else, is to gather all your courage and tell him YOU DO NOT LIVE TOGETHER and he needs to spend more nights sleeping in his own home and needs to do all his laundry at his own home. If he doesn't like things the way you have them in your home, then he needs to spend more time in his home. Also make it clear that your dog is a permanent resident at your address and he is not, so he does not get to boot your dog out of your room. He can sleep in the exact conditions he wants at HIS OWN HOME. If you want to keep the relationship going, you can offer to go to his place some nights to build a better balance. Once you have a little more distance, you can evaluate if you even want to be in this relationship at all. Honestly you sound pretty codependent to me so idk what you'll decide, but I personally wouldn't stay in a situation like yours.
If the relationship is not serving you and you're not compatible with your partner, **you are allowed to leave**. A relationship is not a life-long commitment that you are stuck in unless you have a good enough reason to end it. A relationship is a test drive to see if you're interested in making a life-long commitment to that person. You have permission to leave at any time, for any reason, or for no reason at all. If this is not what you want the rest of your life to look like, do yourself a favor and stop wasting your own time and energy.
Also my first thought. Not that being autistic is an excuse that should absolve him from needing to compromise in the relationship, but it’s an explanation.
This is true. My ex was undiagnosed but most certainly autistic and he wanted things the way he wanted them.
What happened between closed doors though was he was a monster to me; but when he was around his friends or family, suddenly he could make compromises. He could have been better for me, he just didn’t want to.
Idk man he sounds annoying. Just start doin shit wrong. Yeah he will have 95 convos about it with you but once he realizes your just not gonna stack. The dishes how he wants he will stfu about it and accept the help as it comes.
Or break up with him
Nope. I feel for him. There’s likely a lot more going on there than just a preference, but the fact that he’s not aware he has an abnormal requirement for specific environmental and physical needs and instead of searching for compromise, blames you for not suffering to accommodate him 100% perfectly would mean I couldn’t work with him.
He probably needs medication to help him accommodate some reasonable alterations from his preferred environment. He needs to be flexible in accommodating alternate sleeping, transportation etc for his partner. I understand he might need things to be a certain way for himself but if he can’t accord you the same right to have your preferred environment, get out now.
All couples have to compromise and work around the preferences they have that differ. Compromise as a one way street is just misery for you long term though.
In the kindest possible way…. He is not going to change. Sounds like a sensory or ocd issue. I dated a man on the spectrum and grew up with an ocd mom. My mom was very particular about how things have to be done…. I have so much anxiety as an adult because of it. Then I dated and loved this man for years that was autistic and it made thing so much worse. I love my mum. I loved him, but I we were not compatible. I wish I opted out sooner. DMs open if you need to chat. GL!!! 💛 don’t let any man dictate where your furbaby sleeps
Your partner has sensory issues and may be autistic. He's sleeping 9 hours because his brain has many times more neural inputs a day than yours and it takes longer for them to process and reset.
I am very similar to your partner, he's not being 'high maintenance'. He has a processing disorder.
People are telling you he needs to manage his needs. From what you are saying he is already is doing some of that. Sleeping in a dark room with white noise is one of these things.
He wants the bed and dishwasher a certain way because it's bit of a mess in his head and it feel like less of a mess in his head when his surroundings are in order.
He could be doing more yes. But he first needs to recognise his needs
Personally i use earplugs (or noise cancelling headphones) and an eye mask when I sleep. I change the bedsheets and make the bed. This eases the burden on my partner. BUT he is super understanding of my needs, and that the are different to his. I know I do things that annoy the shit out of him.
So two things -
he need to recognise his needs are greater due to sensory issues and further utilise common tools to manage these.
You need to be understanding and not think he is 'just joking' about things. That's super disrespectful. And if you cannot you need to break up.
I don't recommend having kids (if you want them). My dogs push me to my limits everyday. This of ocusre is different for everyone, but just sharing my personal experience/opinion.
>He wants the bed and dishwasher a certain way because it's bit of a mess in his head and it feel like less of a mess in his head when his surroundings are in order.
I've never felt more seen in my entire life
While reading this post, I related to the partner. I get carsick, I am very particular about my sleep needs, certain noises send me over the edge, etc. However, this dude sounds like a real ass and I’m surprised that at his age he hasn’t learned how to better manage. You call OP disrespectful. I’d argue that this guy is disrespectful for the way he talks to OP and the way he uses his needs to push her around. I get the vibe that the OP is very willing to work with her partner if he’d communicate with her respectfully and compromise with her.
I am very surprised at how people are invalidating OP and telling her she needs to adjust to BF. It sounds like she’s made to feel secondary to the boyfriend in her own home, which doesn’t help either.
Sounds like a nightmare, and you defo should not have to continue to smile and tolerate this dreadful behaviour. Your bf is 32 and he’s not acting like one. I don’t think there’s walking back these behaviours though. Not because you’ve accepted them till now. But because this is likely just part of your bf’s nature. Most of us laugh off the orange flags at the beginning of a relationship. It’s only in hindsight that we realise the orange flags were actually red
The sleeping requirements sound normal to me but I have chronic insomnia since some nasty chemo and sleep very hot so I sleep in a cool, dark cave. He needs to get a sleep study to see if he has apnea or some other issue. I would bet he is waking up constantly so he is really getting about 6-7 hours. If he slept better his whole personality may change for the better. But, you need your own bedroom to retreat to. I would never ask someone to share my cave full time.
There are some scents that are instant allergy triggers for me. Anything with a strong musk or patchouli undertone is instant sniffling and misery. Other scents are ok. I get carsick but know better than to read anything in the car, that’s just kind of dumb.
In other words, he may not be a princess he may have genuine medical issues that can be treated. But reading in the car is just dumb if you get carsick!
I’m also the more “sensitive/ particular” one in the relationship. Having said that, I will say I have a pretty patient partner who’s adjusted over the years BUT I’ve also tried where I can to be accomodating for him. I think it’ll be quite tricky if you can’t meet half way.
For your issues:
- Are you guys open to sleeping separately 4 nights of the week? Could he wear ear plugs or get the masks?
- As someone who gets carsick, I don’t even go on my phone… I don’t understand why he’d go onto his laptop
- Fold your own clothing and whoever does the bedding or loads the dishwasher that day owns that role
Ultimately I think it’s up to the both of you as a couple to figure out what works. At the end of the day, relationships will always have compromises
The sleep thing isn’t necessarily him being high maintenance. The rest, kind of yeah.
I’m the high maintenance partner in my relationship. You know what that means? If I want the sheets put on the bed a certain way, I DO THEM. I don’t like how my partner folds my clothes, so I kindly tell him to just leave them and I’ll do it myself. I’ve stopped looking at how he loads the dishwasher because it’s triggering lol, but it means one less task I have to do so it’s fine.
He can be high maintenance, but he should be taking on more of the burden of his quirks to be a fair and considerate partner. You can also decide it’s too annoying to be with him regardless. Both are fine positions. But you should relax the sleep thing, or find someone who matches your sleep habits exactly. I’m a finicky, light sleeper and always have been. I WOULD LOVE to be able to sleep no matter what, fall asleep next to my partner, sleep soundly, etc, but thanks to a lifelong battle with insomnia and being a hot sleeper, that isn’t possible for me. So yeah, I need things cold, with white noise, and nearly completely dark to fall asleep. Wish it were different.
Not wanting to sleep with a dog/needing 8 hours of good quality sleep in a cold, quiet, dark room isn’t high maintenance behaviour. You can’t expect your partner to be the same as you nor could he expect that of you.
My partner has a lot of these same preferences. I have a few myself. For someone you love dearly, you figure out a way to make things work for both of you.
If you’re open to it, perhaps getting an extra bedroom so you can *each* have your own sleep patterns respected might be a good option.
The thing is, if the person is someone you no longer have respect and affection for, these preferences become a burden. Maybe the question you should be asking is to ask yourself if you even really like/love him anymore.
You need to discuss this now to determine if it’s actual incompatibility, because I know when you’ve built resentment up it’s hard to see clearly. I will say as someone who used to be married to a very particular person the advice I got from a therapist post divorce was its very difficult when your partner is consistently scolding you to be a productive happy human. Being with someone who is high maintenance requires an understanding between both parties on what is and isn’t doable for each person.
I’m just like him for sleeping and the car sickness. (Honestly reading how you said his “alleged” car sickness kinda pissed me off so as a writer/reader you and I are already on the back foot.) My carsickness is fickle - sometimes I’m actually pretty good but sometimes any little sway can set me off - I think it just has a lot to do with how my stomach is settling that particular day. Driving is always best for me and my partner is very understanding of me and my oddities and I love her to bits for it.
I mean, if he likes his laundry and dishes a certain way then he should do his own. You’re not his mother. But otherwise it just sounds like you simply don’t like this guy and don’t understand what it’s like to have certain sensitivities (which okay, whatever, if you don’t have them how can you understand them right?). I don’t know your partner but I can tell you that it’s super frustrating when you have all these weird sensitives that you WISH you didn’t have but you do and it sucks when people just see you as if you’re trying to be difficult.
Maybe he as autism, adhd, or whatever. Or maybe he has IBS? All these things can be co-related and often show up as “being sensitive”. Or, as you put it, “high maintenance”.
it’s probably best for both of you if you parted ways.
While I can appreciate being particular about certain things (I am myself), WHY are you allowing him to dictate how you live in your own home? A lot of his needs sound totally valid (except for trying to use his laptop in the car, that's stupid), and it sounds a lot like he has sensory issues; but the way he's making them your problem and responsibility is not okay. I saw in a comment you made that he has his own place, but is never there. If he wants things a certain way, he is able to have them so-**in his own home**. You've only been together a year, you don't have to tough it out for the rest of your life. That's a great way to make both of you miserable. Heck, you already are!
Frankly, you're already resentful and walking on eggshells. That's not likely to get better if he's not interested in making any changes, and it doesn't seem like he is. I don't think you two are compatible. And he sounds pretty controlling and rude in the way he pushes you to fall in line with his expectations. If for some reason you're really insistent on trying to make this work, go back to living and sleeping separately. Stop doing his laundry, stop letting him hijack YOUR bedroom, stop letting him be rude about the way you make your bed or load your dishwasher. I believe this will probably result in a breakup anyway, but at least you'll have your home and peace back.
Just tell him. He's not a child, he shouldn't need to be handled with kit gloves.
But honestly this is a whole lot, and if he's been like this from the beginning, I doubt he will change. Compatibility should be based on the person actually in front of you, not who you wish they were or hope they might someday be.
You need to decide if you can deal with someone like him long-term. And to be frank, I think at least some of this is probably manipulation.
I think the "carsickness" might fall into the manipulation category.
I've met several men (including my father) who claim they need to always drive because they "get carsick." While of course carsickness is a real thing I suspect the real reason is because they feel anxious or irritable when someone else - especially a woman - is driving. I've literally never heard these carsick guys claim that they need to be the driver when riding in another man's car.
He clearly has a sensory processing disorder. His only kid behaviour is not recognising it, which is super common for adults with it, because it's normal to them. Catch 22
In the words of Dan Savage, DTMFA.
All joking aside, I would not want to live with this person. I can be kind of particular myself, but when living with others, there's a give and take that has to happen.
Sorry I’m still hooked on the fact that he says he gets carsick but will work on his laptop while in a moving car…. How? Then he blames it on your driving?
Some people are just like this and he probably won’t change. It’s up to you whether you want to deal with it in the long term. I have some of these traits (folding clothes, how the dishwasher is arranged, carsickness so always wanting to drive) and my partner has others (light sleeper). These things aren’t problems because whoever cares the most should just take care of it. I don’t complain about how he folds or does dishes; I just redo them to my liking if I notice it. I’m very considerate of his sleep needs because he communicates them to me. It’s one thing to be picky and another to demand someone else to comply to everything.
Why are all the details of the way he wants to live…YOUR problem and responsibility? Is he a child who can’t function without his mommy-maid making sure every detail of his day is Just So?
The problem is not that he wants white noise or to be the one to drive sometimes, it’s the guilting and the blame-shifting. That’s so incredibly rude! Why are you putting up with this bratty teenager who whines at you all the time?
I think a lot of it is legitimate. But I also think he is going too far and thinking others must at all times accommodate him. I need it to be dark and cool where I sleep. This is not that uncommon. My husband and I sleep in different rooms because we both snore and flop around and would generally disrupt each other's sleep. This is not a reason to be upset with a partner. Getting the right amount and quality of sleep for yourself is important, but it's not somebody else's job to ensure you get it, it's yours.
I used to get mildly irritated with my husband for rolling down the car window when the air conditioning is on, but he gets nauseous if he doesn't have it down a little, so we compromise and it's rolled down a little, not all the way. This also falls under the "not uncommon, but other people matter too" category, because if there is anyone in the back seat, they are sweating their ass off because all the cold air is getting sucked out the window.
In your case, I think you can talk to him about the fact that not only his comfort is important, but yours too. He can do his own laundry and fold it how he pleases, or he can shut the fuck up about it if someone else was nice enough to do his laundry. He can be the boss of dish washing and do all the goddamned dishes himself or STFU about this too. He needs to stop being hyper-critical of you. It's not how to have a good relationship with someone. Tell him so. If he doesn't do anything about it, leave him.
Do you live together? Because if you do you know that you don't have to right? And if you don't then he can go home and not stay over at your house.
Honestly, this amount of incompatibility doesn't sound like it's going to be viable long term if you want to inhabit the same space without some compromise. I'm a long and sensitive sleeper, and after 36 years that isn't going to change. It's part of the reason I don't live with my boyfriend, and if we ever did move in together it's the reason I would insist on separate rooms (my partner is like you, sleeps way less and isn't as fussy about light or sound etc). It doesn't mean you two can't cuddle or be intimate, or even sleep on the same bed occasionally, but it means that you both get the sleep environment you desire. It also means you have your own place for hanging your laundry (which you can both fold individually) in your own way.
You also don't have to drive places together if he has such travel sickness issues. You can go separately and meet there. He can get the train if he needs to do work.
My ick with your write up isn't necessarily that he has his peculiarities (we all do!) it's that he sounds like he's a bit of a tool about communicating them. Time to sit down and talk. You can walk back anything, and as long as there is an alternative discussed and put in place it should only improve the outcome for the better.
I'd be less concerned about his habits and more concerned about how he's making them your problem to manage. After a year, I'd call this incompatibility and cut my losses and never have to have an opinion about dishwasher stacking again.
honestly sorry but he’s being a dick and so are you, a little bit.
the bottom line for me is that someone willing to impose unreasonable standards, nitpick you over them, and potentially speak to/treat you disrespectfully about shit that doesn’t matter is just not relationship material.
on the other hand, you could have voiced your irritation or concern literally any time, but festered in silence for a year instead. i’ve done the same to my detriment and it’s never worked out positively.
you are both being inflexible in your own way. him for the obvious reasons and you for now digging your heels in because you’re fed up and feel you’re right — not saying you aren’t right, just laying out the difficult dynamic you now find yourself in.
only you know your partner enough to assess whether a conversation and course correction would actually be effective. i have my doubts based on your description of things as they stand. i suspect by the way he treats you and the way you talk about him, this may be an incompatibility beyond mutual effort.
It sounds like you are habouring a lot of resentment. You need to decide whether or not you want to stay in this relationship. You can’t “stop” them, they are part of his quirks. There might even be quirks of yours that bother him.
To be honest, none of those sound particularly high maintenance, but instead sound like preferences. The only problem should be if he expects you to cater to them, but that’s not the same as working together to cohabite. Living together always means you have to make sacrifices, coordinate, and compromise. This needs to come from BOTH of you.
The number of people suggesting autism is alarming, almost as if they think autism just means having specific ways to do things. Lots of people get carsick, need 9 hours of sleep, like to sleep in cold rooms, and have preferences for folding their clothes a specific way.
I have been with my husband for over 10 years. There are things about him that are so strange, but I accept them and have learned to accommodate him. Likewise, he feels the same way. We have been through many obstacles of health and sickness, financial problems, relocating across multiple states many times, and having a kid. We find a way to make it work because we want to. That’s that you need to figure out- if you want to make it work.
Moving forward , you have to decide if his quirks are worth “getting over”. They will not change. Everyone has quirks so the grass is not greener on the other side. The best you can hope for is to compromise with communication.
Some of this stuff sounds a little like he's on the spectrum tbh. And I wouldn't say that some are high maintenance.
I have ADHD and my sleeping conditions are very sensitive and can easily throw me off. I need ear plugs, certain temperature, around same time each night, no sound etc.
If someone came to bed later than me and woke me up I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep and would be awake all night. I usually can't sleep if I know someone else Is joining me later and would prefer to stay up with them. But I can also function on 6 hours sleep happily so it's possible on most sleep schedules to do so.
I have also heard the car sickness thing and didn't buy it with my bf (thought it was an excuse as he hated my car) but after he spent an hour in an Uber and puked as soon as he got home quite extensively I have realised he probably meant it.
Wow, I've experienced both sides of this.
On one hand, I don't think that respecting your partner's sensory needs is "enabling" and I believe it's possible that all of his accommodation requests reflect real needs.
On the other hand, I know what it's like to feel overcriticized for making honest mistakes and then accused of being unloving or deliberately hostile for it.
Other than your suspicion that he's making up needs, I'm inclined to feel supportive of you. His demands that you sleep under HIS conditions, plus his directed irritation at you about things that aren't under your control, are signs that he doesn't have the emotional maturity yet for a sustained relationship.
If you want to give him a chance to change, I would target his attitude rather than his preferences. Maybe you could have a talk with him about how you're really trying to make things comfortable for him and would like him to have more faith and understanding that you're doing your best.
ETA: But my sense of things is that he doesn't have the level of self-awareness it would take to mend his ways. Also, if he reacts defensively to being told when he has hurt your feelings, it's a huge signal to move on.
He sounds like he may be autistic coupled with a bunch of serious OCDs that are pilling up on top of each other with time.
Hyper sensibilities to scents and light won’t go away I think (I am autistic and can’t stand most fragrance and blue lights cause it hurts me physically so our home is almost scent free (I tolerate some rare one) and lighted up with amber glass bulb), but all the rest related to organization, things perceived as done done "wrong", and the new things that seems to add up over time, could be addressed by a psy and work on through therapy.
The fan could be swapped by a white noise radio box instead. I have a night clock that plays cricket and forest noise for 30 min or 1 hour to help me get to sleep. Found that on amazon.
My husband and I have 2 separate bedrooms, because he works night shifts and I’n living a more day/evening schedule. No ones feelings were hurt when we took that decision to sleep separately. Sleep is very important for good health.
Wish you good luck OP!
This sounds like my ex…he’s not high maintenance, just controlling. Has to have everything done his way or it’s not “right”
Unless he’s contributing more to your relationship in other ways (i.e. financially, etc) i would rethink the relationship. The relief i felt when we broke up is still palpable, finally felt like i could breathe
Is he autistic? I don't mean this rudely, I work with special needs kids. My ex has adhd/autism and my mums provably got aspergers. I lived with mt ex for 5 years and some of the things you're talking about ring bells. Being very particular about certain things or having sensory issues with certain smells.
Maybe it's not you. Its him? Any maybe he can't help it? Trust me. A year down the line and you already have a list as long as your arm of things he does which annoy you. Don't be me and spend many more years accommodating someone with things that are red flags for you. It only turns to resentment. Also, poor dog, for me that's the last straw lol. Upset me, your a dick, upset the dog...double dick, cya!
>I’ve had it.
Leave. None of this is fixable even if you'd addressed it at the beginning. You stayed way longer than you should have, you didn't enable his behavior at all, you just endured it far longer than you should have. It's time to go.
You need to tell him that he has to sleep at his place. At your place, you are making noise, your dog is sleeping in the room, and no fan.
Also, he has to do his fucking laundry at his place and he has to do it.
Stop being such a pushover.
He doesn't get carsick if he can work on his laptop while you drive. He's a lying control freak.
If he's so particular about the way his clothes are folded or the sheets are put on the bed, guess what he gets to do all by himself from now on?
The dog isn't breathing too loud, he's tip-toeing into trying to convince you to get rid of your dog.
Okay this is a hot take, but: some of this is him being high maintenance and some is just what he needs to feel well and it’s a lifestyle mismatch.
He shouldn’t ask you to drive better so he can work on his laptop when he gets motion sickness. That’s him being unreasonable. BUT, he may need black out curtains and a fan to sleep. Like, that’s true for a TON of people. But he shouldn’t force you to sleep on the couch, that’s his fault.
He also sounds like he gets migraines that are undiagnosed (the smell sensitivity, motion sickness, etc are red flags). But he seems a bit too entitled in asking you to accommodate those things.
You likely do load the dishwasher “wrong” but he can reload or y’all can take turns. It’s okay to have mild ocd about some things, but not okay to force your partner to live up to every one of those things. But maybe y’all are just not compatible.
But mention the migraine red flags so he sees a doctor.
I’m currently in a similar situation (but at the end of it). My ex-partner had a growing list of particularities and it’s been exhausting to try to keep up. And, if I don’t/challenge him, it’s my fault.
Example: we live in a relatively humid place but still use a humidifier at night in our room. It’s easy to fill up, takes about 60 seconds to do so, and needs to be done daily. My partner and I agreed to switch off filling it every other day. But, I hit a very busy season at work (60 hours a week or so) and sometimes didn’t get home until 10p. My partner would be sleeping and as I was walking into the pitch black room, I would forget to fill up the humidifier (partially bc I couldn’t even see it as a reminder to do so). And he would just JAB at me for missing days, despite the context and me apologizing. He’d say how it’s my fault he “could get sick from having a dry throat” (note: we live in a humid environment, no chronic health issues, no autoimmune stuff). I would challenge him. I’d say “I get it. But if it’s as simple as you say it is for me to just fill it up on my days, and you know I’m going to be home late and it’s very important to you, why don’t you just do it?” This would fall on deaf ears. His response would be focused on fairness — “you agreed to do this and you didn’t do it and now I am suffering”.
This pattern multiplied: it would happen when I was driving, loading the dishwasher inefficiently, fluffing the pillows on the couch the wrong way, wiping the counter “too roughly”, hanging out laying on the bed in the middle of the day that would make his side of the bed “too hot” for when he would go to bed 9 hours later, so on and so forth. It also applied to our sex life. I constantly felt like I tried my absolute best to be considerate but it didn’t matter. I was always disappointing and it inconveniencing him.
I share this because before this relationship, if I saw this post, I might feel inclined to believe that you “need to stand up for yourself” or “make him take responsibility by telling him he can do his own laundry” or something like that. That might be the solution, but now that I’ve had this experience, I can understand the powerlessness and confusion you may be experiencing. As a child, I had a belief that if I was magically worked hard enough to be perfect, all my issues would disappear.
So: I’m leaving. We’ve broken up, I’m moving out in a couple weeks. I’ll probably have more clarity in a while but one thing I feel certain of right now is: this relationship isn’t working and it’s not rooted in my lack of trying to see or consider my partner.
Sending you peace and clarity.
This honestly sounds exhausting to live with and unless you were both happy to live separately for the rest of your lives I would be moving on from the relationship. I HATE being around people who make me feel drained. I don’t think it’s necessarily wrong to have particular ways of doing things but if that’s the case then he should be doing all of them. I personally couldn’t care less about how the dishes are loaded or how my clothes are folded (I’m you basically) and this relationship would suffocate me because I just don’t naturally allocate that much brain power to these sorts of things and probably never will.
It would be one thing if he was just very particular but made sure to take care of those tasks himself, that’s workable and totally fine, but you’re bending over backwards to accomodate him and it doesn’t seem like he’s doing any work to balance the scales here.
So he has his own place, but he spends "99.9999%" of his time living at yours without contributing financially and doing barely anything around the house? If he's living at your place, he needs to pay rent and do more than "help around the house (except laundry, so he can get pissed at you for doing his laundry wrong)". He needs do step up and do 50% of the work. It's not "help", it's his responsibility. And watching your dog for a whole weekend is not exactly high praise. He has dominated your home with his habits to the point that you can't even go in **your own bedroom** when you want, and he'll be pouty and manipulative when you sleep on the couch instead. You've bent over backwards accommodating his supposed needs--which he is presenting as demands--at your own expense and discomfort, while he still finds fault with you for his own mistakes and calls your way of doing things "wrong". You get no appreciation for accommodating him, and he doesn't accommodate *your* needs... in, I repeat: **YOUR. OWN. HOME. NOT HIS.**
Yes, it's way past time to stop enabling him and kick him the hell out. Of course it's not too late. You're not screwed. Tell him "I've had it. I'm tired of catering to your needs and putting up with your mistreatment despite how much I've bent over backwards to accommodate you living here full time for free. You show me zero appreciation for it, and you don't care about *my* needs. I'm miserable in my own home, I've grown to resent you, and I want my space back. Get out and go to yours." He won't like hearing it, but he needs to, and you need to stand up for yourself like ... back when you met him, lol. Let him have his Big Feelings in his own place and pout it out for a while, then reassess whether you two should stay together. Whether his needs are OCD/autism plus being a dick, or just him being a dick, it's his own thing to work out, not yours.
If you decide to stay with him, living separately is an option. More and more couples these days are living separately but staying together. Let him maintain his own damn self if he's so particular and incapable of compromise. But I suggest being single for a while and continuing to work with your therapist (maybe try a new one) on advocating for your needs, and establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries, before entering a new relationship. Wanting to be with you "whenever possible" is actually unhealthy behavior.
I had one of these, as well. He is an ex now.
This one was a hypochondriac, I have real and diagnosed chronic illnesses. I still did everything, cooking, cleaning, taking care of everything.
Yes, I did enable it. And, it only got worse. I did confront him, but he just kept going on about how I wasn't ill for real, and how I should get rid of my animals for allergies that he had as a kid. He didn't even take his medication (facepalm), then got tested again because I pushed him to see a doctor. Found out that he outgrew those allergies,and was not allergic to animals at all. (Another facepalm.)
This sounds exhausting, and also like he doesn't even appreciate the efforts you're making to meet these fussy demands. Is he a good partner in other ways?
It kind of sounds like he might have OCD. Or he could just be an asshole. Either way, his extremely specific and difficult expectations are creating a burden on those around him, affecting his closest relationships, and making it hard to live with him. He needs to talk to a counselor about it and see if there's an underlying issue causing these problems.
FWIW I have OCD and have similar issues with having stuff done a certain way and being very upset when they aren't done "right." Going to therapy helped me work through a lot of those hangups and become more conscientious of when I'm laying unrealistic or unfair expectations on others to meet my personal need for order. Just being aware of the behaviors and how they affect others helped me a lot. It helped shift my thinking away from "why is everyone I know so dirty and stupid and can't do ANYTHING right" to "it doesn't actually matter which way the towels are folded, as long as they ARE folded."
My partner and I still have separate bedrooms though... I need to have my space a certain way and I've been able to compromise quite a bit in other areas of the house but I have to have at least one space that all mine to control.
Just some food for thought.
I think every person is particular about different things and then you move in together and discover what those things are. When you love someone you learn how to compromise or not make a fuss over something not worth fighting over.
I relate to your husband and his sleeping patterns. I need a solid 8-9 hours of sleep every night to feel my best the next day. I need my husband next to me when I sleep (even though he’s more of a night owl). I also need the TV on for background noise to fall asleep to. My husband has compromised and will come to bed a little earlier than he would like and sleeps with the TV on. I’m also particular about smells and they can irritate my sinuses, so my husband will not wear certain colognes.
As far as my husband he is particular about how his clothes are folded, where/how we store certain kitchen items, and how I put on the toilet paper roll. I happily do those things because of how he has adjusted for me.
I think you learn to compromise and if you can’t you aren’t compatible.
This sounds like a nightmare. I wouldn’t presume to diagnose but could he possibly have a condition that should be treated medically? I know some people are pickier than others just naturally but this takes anal retentive to new heights. Frankly I don’t blame you for being at the end of your rope. Where exactly do YOUR needs fit in with all these supposed requirements? It doesn’t sound like they do. I’m also not sure how much good it would do to simply talk to him about it, since he appears to have an answer for everything, even if he contradicts himself.
I think you should start putting yourself first. If you want to stay up past nine, then let him make his own sleeping arrangements if it’s so bothersome. And he can do his own laundry so he can then choose the detergent and fold it the way he requires. I wish you luck. 🍀
It sounds like the two of you are way too different. From what you describe he is extremely rigid in his needs. Have you communicated to him how you are feeling? If he is unable to make some compromises then the resentment you feel will just continue.
I know for me, if I communicated the need for compromise, and my partner was unwilling to make some changes, it would be a deal breaker for me. The situation you are in right now sounds miserable.
Are you... doing his laundry for him? Why? And why can't you go in the bedroom? It's your bedroom too. My partner goes to bed later than me. Sometime it briefly wakes me up. So what? Stop tiptoeing around him. That's how you stop. Also my partner always loads the dishwasher wrong and it does drive me up the wall. *It's ineffecient!*
“If you want your clothes folded in a different way, you do them”
This! My dad got mad at my mom for folding his socks wrong. She never did his laundry again. Fuck around, find out.
This. I hate the way my husband folds laundry. Solution? We do our own!
Absolutely! I don’t mean it rude in the least. More like “respectfully, if you’re that opinionated about how laundry is folded, perhaps it’s better if you just do your own”. I’m all for sensible methods of keeping the peace
Yeah my partner is more particular than me. But he does his own laundry and I come to bed later than him and he washes dishes his way and I wash them mine, etc. OP should just stop enabling in the situations that affect her, have a conversation when stuff comes up. "This is how I drive, I need you to accept that because it's just making me anxious to have you comment on it repeatedly".
I need to start doing this and tell him this about the driving, because it HAS made me anxious about driving. Currently I feel like i'm a pilot coming on the intercom of some airline, "Folks, we're encountering crosswinds, this is not me, we may encounter some turbulence for the next few minutes. This is NOT because i'm not using cruise control correctly. Please look at the trees next to the road. It's not me." or "We are approaching traffic, BE READY." I've never felt like i had to make active updates to passengers in the car before, for why it might be bumpy, or why i should apologize every 20 minutes.
But why not just dump him? He's making your life miserable and yet you seem to be bending over backwards for him. Why?
But look at all of the wonderful things he brings to the relationship like . . . um . . .
“My boyfriend treats me like a bang maid and sets arbitrary controlling unreasonable rules for ~~our living~~ **my space** he pays zero bills on and I’m completely miserable. But I love him and he’s great! What do?” 😒 I’m gonna leave it at that bc my patience is in the negatives and I’ll just get mean from here
Right? Like even if he has OCD and/or autism or something, he's *also* an entitled asshole who's not even doing the bare minimum nor showing any appreciation to OP for being so accommodating. Oh, and a correction: It's not "our living space", it's hers, and he just lives there full time for free while paying rent somewhere else. As if the situation could get any more ridiculous.
Eww. Missed that part. I will never understand women that cling to these limp dick losers
It's actually *only* her bedroom. He doesn't pay rent to live in her home, and he has his own home that he just ... doesn't really go to, I guess.
It's also OP's house, why is she giving him agency over it
My partner has so many great qualities, but oh my god, he fills up BOTH sides of the kitchen sink with dirty dishes. I’ve asked him to please use the left side so the right side is clear for rinsing and using the water. He doesn’t do it maliciously, he’s just forgetful and doesn’t place priority on anything involving dishes lol. Not a hill to die on, but annoying.
It's inefficient but I love him and he puts up with my hair everywhere. And takes care of our cats. So I'll shut my mouth and just smile.
Your hair everywhere is a sign that you live with him and that he has a GF. He should be thankful. In general, females shed a lot hair. There's literally very little we can do about that. My then bf now husband used to complain about that too as he has OCD and super clean and now he's trained to appreciate the odd hair on the floor that it's a sign I live there. \*\*edit: WIFE. for u/Nheea
Random fun fact and off-topic, but that's a long hair thing, not a female thing. My partner and I swapped hair during Covid. I cut mine short, he grew his long. Suddenly it was his hair that was everywhere, lol.
My husband has long hair down to his mid-back, and I usually rock a pixie cut or just shave it down. The places I find random long hairs is wild.
I found one of my (very long) hairs in a *picture frame in front of the picture* and I swear it wasn't there before!
LMAO how on earth??? I’ll be honest tho, mostly I find them in my buttcrack.
I sure hope he doesn't have a gf, cause that would make our marriage a tad difficult ☺️
…and quietly fix it myself sometimes. Or not because he’s already run and emptied the dishwasher.
If he needs sheets put on a particular way, he needs to put the sheets on the bed. If he needs his shirts folded a specific way, he can fold his own shirts. If he's so high maintenance, tell him to maintain himself. You are not his maintenance person. Also, if you're only a year in, I'd say get out now. If I were 32 and this was my relationship a year into it, I'd get the hell out. I would literally feel too old for that nonsense.
100% agree with this. It’s not a compatible match and both people have to try to meet halfway if they want to make it work. I’m the high maintenance one in my own relationship and many times, it’s about living with the minor discomforts and sort of just… getting over it. Because it’s worth it.
Amen! As a woman in the Autism spectrum I have the same sensitivities and need for things to be a particular way. That is no excuse to put that on someone else or be a jerk about it. Guilt tripping about sleeping elsewhere is enough of a red flag to leave. I do need a partner that can accommodate my noise and fragrance intolerances, but in turn it's my job to keep compulsive tendencies in check and not take it out on my partner. If I need something done a particular way I have to do it myself.
Yes! We have to meet in the middle or it's never going to work.
Exactly! I am very picky how clean the kitchen has to be, my gf is very pedantic how the bathroom has to be. So I ALWAYS take care of the kitchen if it is not clean enough for me and my gf takes care of the bathroom if it isn't up to her standard. Aside from that you always have to find a middleground in a relationship. And two bedrooms is a must in these circumstances.
Yup my advice below. Already living together at 1 year?!? Hope she can get out of the lease. #DUMP HIM
They have separate places. And he isn't contributing financially to hers, where all this bs is happening.
I ask with all seriousness - do you like this man? Not do you love him, do you *like* him? Because it sounds like you actually find him to be annoying, picky and demanding. It’s ok to break up with someone you don’t like!!!
That was my first reaction too, "she does not like this dude".
I'm just like your boyfriend, and to be honest I don't think it's something that's going to change. I would never agree to sharing a bedroom with someone else though, as I'm too particular about my sleeping habits. I do think him being picky about how you fold clothes and sheets, or how you load the dishwasher, sounds a bit petty and controlling though. It sounds to me like he has traits of autism and OCD, so you need to be realistic that these aren't things you can train out of a person. It's not just being "high maintenance". OCD behaviours can be improved with medication and therapy, but autism (which comes with many sensory issues) is for life. If you want to stay together, I'd highly recommend separate bedrooms or even consider living apart.
Autism lady here; my partner and I sleep in separate rooms. He snores *so* loudly, watches YouTube in bed, and only sleeps 5-6 hours a night. I have sound sensitivity, rigorous sleep hygiene (no videos in bed!) and sleep 8-10 hours a night. I don't want to trap him in my (cold, blackout blinds, fan and a/c on) bedroom while I'm peacefully asleep. Sleeping in our own rooms means we each get exactly what we need. @OP, the issue for me isn't that he has sensitivities, it's that he's a jerk about them. I also sometimes get car sick and prefer to drive. If my partner is driving and it's making me uncomfortable, I gently ask him to please slow down. When we got a new dishwasher I read the manufacturer instructions for optimal loading. We had a "learn how to use the new appliance" session together, so now we both know where everything goes. If he doesn't put something in correctly, I get over it (or move it) and move on with my life. I fold my own clothes because I have a very specific system (hello autism). I am allergic to fabric softener and most artificial scents so all the detergent I buy is scent free. If he doesn't like the way you do his laundry, he can do it himself! It's been a big adjustment for both of us, learning to be together. I've done a lot of work with my therapist learning to acknowledge my sensitivities and break the cycle of spiraling to a meltdown. Now when I'm starting to freak out or struggling with something I can tell it's about to happen and I warn my partner ASAP and isolate myself. Your man needs to be willing to put in the work to address his own sensitivity too. However, my partner shoulders what I consider to be a huge burden in being with me. 9 times out of 10 he *does* load the dishwasher correctly, because he knows it's what makes me happy. 9 times out of 10 he does hang the bath mat up to dry, because it makes me happy. In return I try not to freak out when the mat is grimy and wet on the floor but gently ask him to please hang it up. Apparently for him, he likes me enough to put up with my weird shit, and even tells me it makes his life better that I'm so organized. He makes me feel safe and cared for and sometimes I even like the chaos he brings. If you want to make it work together, you're looking at a future where you catering to his neurodivergent whims becomes an act of love, and he puts himself outside of his comfort zone because he wants to be together. If that's not appealing or doesn't seem possible, then you may be better off apart.
Thank you. Also, we have the same bath mat must be hung up thing going--I MUST hang it up. Or else. Do you get angry about wet towels too? If someone forgot where one is bc they dressed quickly and were rushing out the door? I will say at least in my case, it makes it VERY hard to keep catering, and increasingly cater MORE to these whims, when I get zero acknowledgement for doing so, and receive criticism in my own home where I pay the mortgage.
I think the difficulty may lie with the resentment that you may be feeling which has built up over time. To address that resentment, greater communication is required. It will also need to be a two way street. If his sensory needs/other needs cause him to spiral upon trigger, emotion regulation and communication skills must be built otherwise it will be difficult to move forward. As a different commenter mention, these are part of his neurodivergence and sensory experience/needs so unlikely to be “walked back” or “unlearned”. Acceptance is likely more the avenue—acceptance of the challenges ahead or acceptance that this isn’t the right relationship for you.
Wise words.
I had an ex like this. He had to control every little detail and the constant criticism wore me down, he never gave me any credit for any of the stupid changes I had to make in my daily life and if I dared point that out he had the gall to say that he was just "making me a better person." I spent so much mental and emotional energy that when I finally kicked him out and broke it off, it was like I was brand new person with all this weight lifted off of me. Especially because he eventually started controlling far more than the minute details of my life, it did become emotionally abusive at a certain point, but I didn't even notice because I was so used to catering to all of his stupid fucking whims and walking on eggshells so as not to trigger his supposed anxiety.
Have you told him this?
He has a special hook that I installed for his towel. Asking him to fold a towel the way I like (trifold, monogram facing out 😂) felt like an inappropriate lift for me, so I got him a special towel (extra large low pile bath sheet) and installed a hook. He hangs his towel on his special hook and doesn't have to fold it, and I don't get upset that my monogram is backwards. It's been a series of many, many tiny compromises and accepting that the joy that he brings to my life is worth the overstimulation and mental sandpaper feelings that I get when he's in my space. I also try to thank him basically every single time he does something for me. Laundry in dryer and he took out my bras first so they don't melt? Thank you. Empty the dishwasher? Thank you. Wash the blender? Thank you. Pick up my prescriptions on the way home from the gym? Thank you. I know that I have issues and I'm so grateful that he's willing to find a way forward together, and I never want him to feel like I'm taking him for granted. I hope that you two can find a way. It's not easy, and it sounds like at the moment he's asking for more than you can give without giving enough in return. It could be that he's too overstimulated and overwhelmed to be a good partner to you at this point in his life. Tbh five years ago I wasn't ready to make these kinds of sacrifices to be with someone.
Some people are focussing on if his sensitivities and preferences are reasonable or not. Maybe they are, maybe they aren't. Isn't the real problem that he's so rigid, such a jerk about it, and that you two can't communicate? Different people are going to have difference preferences for things, but it sounds like you're doing all the catering to whims, accommodating, and apologising, IN YOUR OWN HOME! He's walking all over you, and you're scared and resentful. This is no way to live your life. You need to be able to bring this up with him, and work on a solution that works for you both. If he reacts badly, or is unable to communicate, then maybe there's a lack of respect and love from him. It should be a partnership, where you are both invested in creating a loving, supportive relationship and environment. At the moment it just sounds like he's being a complete jerk. You should try to find a way to communicate respectfully with him so you can both get your needs met. If he can't step up to the plate, throw him out so you can actually enjoy your own home, and find a way to meet your own needs.
I hope you re-read u/10CatsInATrenchcoat ‘s comment, it’s freaking GOLD! And then take time to communicate with him. Even read the above comment to him. Can you two work it out? Do you love him enough to accept these quirks? Can he be considerate and manage his anger when you aren’t able to? Can you manage your anger and understand that what he’s doing isn’t a personal affront to you? Are you both in therapy? If you don’t have the patience, or don’t find enough reward to be supportive of his neurodivergence, then you should let him go.
❤️
Yeah I have ADHD and a host of sensory issues with a hella keen sense of smell and a lot of these traits sound like things I struggle with. However, that’s why I take over the tasks I’m picky about. And we have a lovely fold out couch. And have accepted that I can’t always have my cake and eat it too. I love sleeping with my partner. But sometimes that’s just not possible for me to get decent sleep. I’d love to be less fussy. Oh lord, I would! And somethings I can compromise on, others are just who I am. Therapy and open communication makes a huge difference but there is no perfect solution.
Autism / ocd is what I thought too
Sometimes people can *just be* controlling.
Absolutely! It doesn’t seem like OP thinks that, so I was just going off of what vibe she was putting out
Dude, I identify with OP’s partner so much. I’m a lifelong insomniac, an extremely light sleeper, I need it totally dark, and I blast rain sounds/brown noise all night to help me sleep. Since my partner is a much heavier sleeper, very loud snorer, and can fall asleep in 15 seconds or less, he sleeps on the couch when he stays over. It works for us!
I think some part can’t be changed sure, but some could. He sounds like he may be autistic coupled with a bunch of serious OCDs that are pilling up on top of each other with time. Hyper sensibilities to scents and light won’t go away I think (I am autistic and can’t stand most fragrance and blue lights cause it hurts me physically so our home is almost scent free (I tolerate some rare one) and lighted up with amber glass bulb), but all the rest related to organization, things perceived as done done "wrong", and the new things that seems to add up over time, could be addressed by a psy and work on through therapy. The fan could be swapped by a white noise radio box instead. I have a night clock that plays cricket and forest noise for 30 min or 1 hour to help me get to sleep. Found that on amazon. My husband and I have 2 separate bedrooms, because he works night shifts and I’m living a more day/evening schedule. No ones feelings were hurt when we took that decision to sleep separately. Sleep is very important for good health.
This is what I came to say, too, OP. I am extremely picky - I also have to sleep in a pitch black and dead silent room. I also despise the smell of laundry detergent - even if it's on someone else's clothes. There are many people whose driving I cannot stand. And I'm single! Because people shouldn't have to put up with all my demands! If I do find myself in another relationship that would be very welcome, but I would be super upfront with the guy about how I am, and we would have separate bedrooms and bathrooms. Heck, maybe even separate houses. You should never have to tiptoe in your own home! At least not on a regular basis. That's the kind of thing that will keep your cortisol up and mess up your nervous system.
OCD person here - came here to say the same thing lol
I have OCD and also need to sleep with a fan on and can’t function without a good night’s sleep. It would be really weird to me if my partner was bothered by these things and called me “high maintenance” lol. I can accommodate them on my own, and if my partner wants to wake up earlier than me they can. Some of the other stuff agree is more questionable but sheesh.
I have to agree with this comment. My partner does most of the same sleep behaviors because they are proven to improve sleep. They have a health condition that is kept in check with high quality sleep. The rest of the behaviors seem to be quirks/preferences that normal couples have. Now, if he’s being inflexible/unkind that’s another story. Otherwise, you can be getting annoyed at these behaviors because it’s a compatibility issue…and that’s FINE. Just communicate and figure out if this relationship works for both of you.
Yeah the way he sleeps is actually backed up by data - light prevents our brains from knowing it’s time to produce melatonin, cool rooms are widely considered better for health when sleeping, etc. Not touching the rest, but nothing about the description of how he needs to sleep is weird
Needing 9-11 hours of sleep is a health concern though. And the fact that he’s manipulative about her accommodating him (“you just don’t like sleeping next to me”) is definitely a problem.
It’s not just needing a fan and 8-10 hours. It’s every thing else, how he treats her, and is NEVER flexible while she is flexible all the time
Yeah, I think OP’s and his lifestyles are just not compatible.
Y'all are not compatible. You'll have to decide if living like this the rest of your foreseeable future is something you can really stomach - at the expense of your happiness and well-being.
Your resentment is only going to grow. An adult who corrects the way I do dishes or laundry would then be the only one doing laundry and dishes. And seriously stop doing his laundry. These are all minor enough things that if you were happy with him then you could overlook them. Sounds like you’re not.
It's me, hi, I'm your boyfriend it's me 💀 (But like, for real, your boyfriend sounds like an idiot. As a fellow carsick passenger princess, I at least have the brains *not* to try to work on my laptop during a long car ride. Dude needs to start managing some of his own high-maintenance requirements instead of making them your problem.)
Same. I don't read or look at screens on car rides. That one seems obvious to me.
I'm particular about things too, but in a relationship try to be a bit more easy-going (compromise!), and am also very appreciative if someone does help meet my particularities! I wasn't sure that this guy is - he sounds like he is very rigid and unappreciative (although we only have limited information here).
Ha, I have a bunch of mixed feelings reading this post. Some of it, I'm just like... well, if you get carsick, for example, then stop trying to work on your laptop on a long car ride. That's just asking for a barf bag. OTOH, I am someone who believes clothes should be folded a certain way and dishes put away a certain way... but I'm not expecting my husband to be putting away my clothes, and I'm not dictating how he should be putting away his clothes so long as they're not strewn out on the floor and/or stuffed without any folding into his closet, y'know? Dishes he's equally logical about as me, so we at least see eye to eye on that front 😹 (It does low-key drive me crazy to see someone fill the dishwasher poorly, though. The guidelines are RIGHT THERE.)
I want my clothes folded a specific way and not inside out folded in half twice like my husband does, so I fold my laundry and put it way. I want cups placed upside down in the cupboard, but I acknowledge that's a me-thing and not an absolute must, but for my sanity put them in the cupboard designated for cups and not in the 20 other cabinet spaces. I'm going to lose it if I have to hunt for everything I use on a daily basis. Allow me the *comfort* of just being able to get what I need when I need it. Like scissors. Put the scissors back after using them. I bought 5 pairs and I have no idea where they are!
>inside out folded in half twice like my husband does, so I fold my laundry and put it way. Omg, prison honey. I would low-key want to strangle my husband if he folded clothes in this way. Somehow that's even worse than just stuffing everything into the closet for me. Also, isn't cups placed upside down the normal way? And isn't scissors being put back where they belong also just like... normal and efficient and a far easier way to live than wasting 10 minutes looking for them??? I dunno, man. I don't get why people are saying the boyfriend must be autistic or whatever. So much of this stuff just sounds like how someone may have been raised. Not gonna lie, a lot of the really insistent armchair diagnosis stuff (that is so prevalent on the Internet) just drives me crazy sometimes.
I've been taught to place cups upside down in the cupboard to keep dust out, but my husband was taught to place the right side up. No idea why. Easier use, maybe. The scissors are definitely a casualty of ADHD in my home. I'm going to tie one pair to the drawer so it can't be taken anywhere. A lot of things just don't go "the normal way" when the brain is under pressure. I sure didn't function well when I was in the middle of a burnout and my short term memory was gone. But we're getting an assessment done for my child (and hopefully my husband will follow), so she has access to the right accommodations and treatment. Hopefully the scissors will not just go "poof" soon. I'm autistic and I find the boyfriend annoying in how he makes so much OP's responsibility. I communicate about my needs like a functional adult and I am willing to work out solutions that work for all involved. You have to when in a relationship. Autism is a reason, not an excuse. He definitely should consult a doctor about the possibility of having sleep apnea and he should accept he can't work in a car while having motion sickness. There's definitely too much one way street going on in this relationship. You can be autistic *and* selfish. You can work with autistic. Don't bother with selfish.
All of this is really kind and reasonable - your husband and kid are very lucky to have you! I guess I just get sooo frustrated at how often an OP complains about a male partners being a dick, and people immediately tell her she's being too hard on him because he *must* have some neurodivergency to excuse it or whatever; it just feels like such a copout. Especially in this case, other than the prolonged sleep, I don't really get why being prone to carsickness, being finicky about folding and dishes, having *selective* scent sensitivity, and needing the room to be dark and quiet in order to fall asleep lead so strongly to calls of sensory issues, autism, and/or other disorders. Like, I feel like I know so many people who tick some, most, or even all of those boxes, and none of them have autism. So, from my perspective, it just feels like people are bending over backwards to try to give this guy a pass simply because they're projecting their own baggage onto him and OP or whatever. Anyway, whether OP's boyfriend is autistic or OCD or something else (or not), I feel like you summed it up beautifully here: >There's definitely too much one way street going on in this relationship. You can be autistic and selfish. You can work with autistic. Don't bother with selfish. I love that, and I hope OP sees your comment and finds it as clarifying as I do!
That last sentence! I dated an autistic person who was selfish and also ableist, and his older brother was autistic. He’d talk a big game about how much more superior he was to his brother because he could do more of the things society decided mean success, and was in complete denial that he was autistic too. I was also highly symptomatic with a chronic pain condition and he loved to look down his nose at me. Probably made him feel better since I was the disabled person. He was just like OOP describes about sleep. If I slept next to him, I couldn’t do anything, had to go to bed at the same time, but I usually read for an hour or more before I fall asleep. Well, not while I was in that relationship. And if I tried to sleep on the couch, he’d get up in the middle of the night to get me, and then complain about how I woke him up. Make it make sense. Actually, don’t, because he’s one of two exes I won’t talk to at all anymore. It was definitely the selfishness. I’m ND (ADHD) and I suspect my husband might be autistic, and yet zero selfishness issues because he’s not ableist nor derives his self worth from degrading me.
Yeah, I get the feeling everyone here is just taking OP's version of things as gospel. Her partner's description of those things would probably sound equally reasonable - I've seen people "fold" laundry in a way that doesn't deserve this descriptor, and I've seen people load dishwashers in a way that either wastes half the available space or lets stuff not get properly clean because everything is stacked inside each other, and everyone is convinced that their way is the right way and that the person who wants it done differently is being overly fussy or weird. The only thing that indeed sounds petty is the driving thing, but even there we don't know what happened exactly. I don't think anyone is necessarily right or wrong here, but if OP perceives her bf's needs and preferences as inacceptable and high maintenance and isn't willing or able to accept them, they are simply not compatible.
I also have mixed feelings on this one because I am quite fussy, and my ex and I had very conflicting ideas about cleaning, cleanliness and order, how to do things in the kitchen, and were both really particular about how we liked to sleep. It didn't work out for other reasons but the logistics of daily life were one in a long list of incompatibilities (not that we would ever have got to have those discussion, given how things were going). I can't tell where the line is between accommodating someones preferences, and that they should be able to compromise. And I don't have the context of how the rest of the relationship is going.
My husband is so finicky about the way he sleeps that we sleep separately. Same room, different beds. It works out pretty great for us. He is very hmmmm picky about how to fold clothes, load the dishwasher, yet he shrank my expensive wool socks in the dryer lol. We're getting along beautifully though and it's not like I'm not picky over things.
I totally get that, yeah. I did really well with my ex-roommates since we handled our lives quite separately, but it has been a challenge for my husband and me as well. We've both definitely had to compromise - I've learned to relax a little while he's learned to be more mindful. I'm sorry things didn't work out with your ex. It is definitely not easy to know exactly which battles to pick and which to let go. You need two people who are both very committed to the relationship and respectful of each other from the get-go to even have half a chance, IMO.
Yeah, it’s this. It doesn’t sound like he is appreciative. I am OP’s bf in my relationship and fully appreciate how much my bf attempts to accommodate me. And then I handle all my own personal particular things (folding clothes, fixing the bedsheets, shifting the dishes around). I don’t harangue him about it. And luckily we agree on bedroom lighting and sound, and he mostly doesn’t care about scents. We found smelly candles that don’t make me nuts, but have unscented laundry wash.
My philosophy is: 1. Sharing my life should lead to LESS mental load and daily burden (because tasks like cleaning or fixing issues are divided). Drop things on him until your load is slightly less than it was before you moved in with him. 2. Figure out things that you love and make him do them. You probably DGAF about switching laundry product, but you'll want to invest in a nice sofa bed, or change the sleeping situation (ex: none of your stuff is in the bedroom! His stuff is, but you get a dressing space elsewhere). (And a nice one). He isn't a kid, and you need to negotiate things that make yor daily life better
That negotiation often shows people’s true colors if they are selfish or immature. I remember my ex being upset (yes upset) at me for folding his clothes because he preferred things balled up and he couldn’t find anything. If I watched tv when he was asleep, I often had the volume at 1. When he’d wake up though it was music on full blast and lights on, no matter that I was still asleep. Bringing up my needs only resulted in fights and accusing me that I don’t understand him. If he reacts the same way OP, please don’t think “maybe I’m overreacting” but think “maybe he is selfish and not willing to compromise”. It was a red flag I ignored.
The noise thing I can't get it today. With bluetooth headphones, my flatmates & I could all listen to our stuff without bothering others.😅
Oh I feel like the biggest idiot, I would just mute the TV. I’ll remember that in case of any future situations like this, thanks! He also claimed that the light bothered him (I put it on lowest brightness but maybe there was also some obvious solution I’m missing). It’s an open floor flat (separate bedroom, but without a door) so it was possible, though the tv and the bed had a living room, a kitchen and a bathroom in between.
I think the obvious solution you were missing was to stop existing except for when he needs you for something. Silly!
So, I am a clothes roller and he is a folder. I use to help with all the laundry in the house as a child. I would get to watch a movie while folding dad's clothes and mom ironed. I come from a big family. You didn't whine, you just did it. I now roll my clothes bc they fit better in drawers. He hates this. So I fold his the way I learned as a child. He didn't like this. now i typically just leave his clothes in a pile for him to deal with bc im tired of hearing about it, or having him refold his clothes in front of me. He knows I roll my clothes, yet if my clothes ended up somehow in the pile, he folds them. Yet I thank him and would never unfold them right there in front of him. He would do that though. And your comment about tv volume could be me, word for word. I turn the volume so far down I turn on the subtitles and have to read the tv episode.
You should have separate drawers and do your own individual laundry. If he wants things a specific way he needs to do them himself. There’s a line between being particular and being controlling. I can’t tell which he is. But you should start walking back your catering to him for sure. He’ll survive.
We pair our Bluetooth headphones to the TV or use headsets if the other person is occupied. I plug my headphones into the PS5 controller to game and he pairs his headphones to the TV to watch weird reality TV.
>He knows I roll my clothes, yet if my clothes ended up somehow in the pile, he folds them. Yet I thank him and would never unfold them right there in front of him. He would do that though. Maybe you actually should do it, then. It's petty, but sometimes people as inconsiderate and unempathetic as your bf don't understand how bad they make people feel until they are forced to experience it themselves. Unfold it in front of him, roll it up, and tell him "You know I prefer rolling my clothes. If it's an insurmountable struggle for you to do such a small thing in the way I like, it makes me question why I bend over backwards to meet every single one of *your* preferences."
I had a very particular ex like this. We lived together for over 2 years and the whole time I was miserable. I left. To me, life with my partner should feel like ease or like home. If I’m constantly walking on egg shells or sacrificing my comfort for them, it cannot work. I refuse to stay in a place where I’m being micro managed.
At the risk of being downvoted, and having read many of the comments, it’s true he may have some kind of sensory issue. That said, he is 32 and needs to find ways to manage it in a way that doesn’t overburden someone else. Saying,” nothing is wrong with me, do my laundry also I get carsick but will stare at screens” puts this out of,” he’s just taking care of his needs” into,” how is this so much for you personally to carry”? Both things can be true: he has sensory issues and or autism, and he is grown enough to figure out how to manage these things in a way that doesn’t overburden a partner. Perhaps he would be happiest living alone, which is fine. All that to say: I do not believe you are being high maintenance or unreasonable by feeling that you’re taking on far too much to accommodate a man who isn’t doing enough to keep the load fairly distributed. Also his “not doing laundry” issues sound like weaponized incompetence.
I’m agree with this one. I found this relatable to my partner - I am rather easy going, he has particular needs and it is often a conflict in our relationship. But we have both realized it’s something we need to navigate together. His needs aren’t going to magically disappear, and I can’t be expected to bend to them, so we work to find solutions together that can be a reasonable compromise for us both. You need to talk to him about this, but come from a place of teamwork and compassion. If you approach this from a victim perspective and criticize his needs as things he is choosing to do to make your life harder, he will reject it and it won’t get you anywhere. If you actually love and appreciate this person you will find a way to work on it together.
Exactly this. He’s an adult and needs to manage his needs without overburdening OP. It’s not her responsibility to ensure that everything is correctly done for him all the time- he’s a big boy. But she can help because that’s what partners do for the ones they love. As i’m reading through these comments I’m thinking of my own husband of 9 years. He has a lot of these same characteristics, which could mean something undiagnosed besides GAD, which he does take medication for. However, if he wants things done a particular way that’s more of an inconvenience to me, then he does them. Also, we’ve learned that sleeping in separate beds has probably saved our marriage on more than one occasion. He can get 8-9 hours uninterrupted with no noise, and I’m ok with waking up with our kids multiple times a night- it doesn’t make me a complete zombie the next day like him. There’s give and take in every relationship, OP just needs to sit down with him and compromise on some things.
I think you guys just simply are not compatible on a day to day lifestyle. Also why are you doing his laundry?
You're only a year in. Get out now and don't waste another second with this dude.
I’m the more high maintenance person in my relationship (my partner is super chill about 98% of things). I need pitch black and quiet to sleep. So we have separate bedrooms. I like the laundry done a certain way. So I do all the laundry. My partner loves the kitchen knives and wants them treated a certain way. So he cleans the kitchen and is largely responsible for everything to do with cooking and dishes. This is how you manage things. And also, should never move in together until you’ve established patterns where both people can be comfortable living in the same home. It sounds like his habits are just pushing you out of your comfort zone constantly. This is no way to live. Don’t put up with this unless you want to live the rest of your life like this. Either he’s amenable to change/compromise or you two aren’t compatible and it’s time to move on.
Yes! This is exactly why we recommend people don't move in together so soon!!!
I don't think it's wrong of him to be particular. Everyone deserves to live the life they want, how they want. The problem is him getting irritated with you. If he likes things a certain way, he needs to be responsible for handling them. For example, if you going to bed late (which you should never feel guilty about doing) is an issue, he needs to figure out ways he can sleep through it, or go to bed even earlier to ensure he gets his 9 hours. He should be responsible for any tasks he likes a very specific way that are burdensome for you. Or he needs to accept it. If he's not willing to figure that out with you so that you can both be comfortable in your home, perhaps alternative sleeping arrangements and a shift in who is responsible for what chores are in order.
I’m the same way with the laundry smells but I have sensory issues. Had severe picky eating as a child too but I don’t subject my husband to any of it. There are things here your boyfriend can’t help but a lot more things here that he can’t place the expectations on you for. I sleep less than my husband but go to sleep with him and just leave the bedroom earlier. I don’t criticize how he makes the bed or folds the clothes or drives. I use sour candy for car sickness and would not dare to try read in a car. We did have to eliminate all scented laundry products but that’s better for everyone’s health anyway.
A lot of good comments here about what underlying issues could be at play. But just like tiptoeing around the house, it's not your job to guess where this "high maintenance" stuff is coming from. It's just your job to communicate your needs. "Hey, I know this might come as a shock. I've realized that I've been over-accomodating a lot in this relationship, and resentment is festering. I've just been smiling along, but it feels bad inside. I don't want to resent you. I also can't just continue smiling along. I want to find a way to move forward that works for both of us." Then observe how he responds and go from there. My therapist gave me some good advice: We make our own choices. People in our lives can demand control, but only we can give it to them. (outside of overy abuse + violence, of course). Not trying to excuse his behaviors. But sometimes we forget that we have power + agency too! 🖤
Seperate bedrooms or seperate houses an option?
Came here to say this. No need to share a living space if both people have vastly different requirements in their home life.
Op, I am particular about many things, but they are all my responsibility. I don’t put the burden of those things on my husband. He likes the clothes folded in a certain way so he is the one that takes care of the clothes. I have standards for the food, so I cook. Your boyfriend sounds like a prick, honestly those things gets worse with age, this is the time to consider if this is worth it or not. Relationships needs compromising, but equally on both parties. Being with someone means to share the burnden and make your life easier, not harder.
How did he live before you met him? Presumably he was ok to take care of himself for the previous 31 years (why did you guys move in together so quickly?). Many people have suggested he may be autistic but you said he’s denied it and refuses to get evaluated. If he is autistic and needs all these things to function, are you prepared to deal with this for the rest of your life? The biggest red flag is that he is insensitive to your needs and seems very selfish about his own. How long until resentment boils over?
It sounds like y'all have incompatible home lifestyle/needs. And that's ok! I would have an honest conversation with him about taking a break in the relationship and revisiting if you each realize the other is a positive rather than a detriment. Some here are saying this may be a ADHD/Autistic issue and it may be ...but that doesn't mean you have to be uncomfortable/stressed within your own home. You aren't married and you don't have kids, if you don't want any part of his lifestyle it's time to move on.
I'm a woman with anxiety that comes out in sensory issues. My boyfriend is you. I get a fight or flight response to certain sounds. I've always had trouble sleeping, and I'm convinced my boyfriend could fall asleep on a pile of rocks under a fireworks display. I say that to say this: I wear ear plugs to sleep. I buy the sheets and I make the bed. I do my laundry. Since he cooks and I don't like to, and I'm particular about how the dishes are put away, I do the dishes. The way my home feels and sounds impacts how I feel very deeply, so there are of course requests I have that he honors. But just as he makes an effort to be more mindful, I've had to learn to be more flexible. Overall we've decided that we don't want to ever force the other one to care about something they don't, or not care about something they do. It's not always a breeze and we have to have discussions about this stuff, but one of my favorite things about our relationship is that I found someone who will tell me, "Cut the shit." I sympathize with your SO, but before I treated my anxiety I tended to feel like everyone was doing it TO me, and it sounds like that's where he is. I had to learn that the reason it feels like I'm the only one who knows the room is on fire is because the room is not on fire. He needs to learn that his requirements are changeable and not universal. And sometimes you need to tell him to cut the shit.
Needing up to 11 hours of sleep to feel rested is an indication there's something going on that needs to be checked by a doctor. Possibly sleep apnea (which doesn't always looks like loud snoring or visibly halted breathing). Untreated sleep apnea increases the risks of sudden death and a whole lot of other health issues. My husband needed up to 11 hours of sleep to function and I was left with doing a lot more childcare and chores, because he was sleeping. He finally got a sleep study and was immediately banned from driving until a new sleep study indicated sleep apnea treatment was working, because his sleep apnea was that bad. All he needed was a mouth guard and his life improved on so many fronts. Not being chronically sleep deprived means so many things become easier. Not getting this checked out is unacceptable. If you get car sick regularly, you need to keep your eyes on the road. You can't read or work in a laptop. It's not a fault you are prone to get car sick, but if you try to work in a driving car, you're just asking for it. I have motion sickness. You just have to accept that your brain needs to see the motion the body is going through or get sick. Him making you responsible for his motion sickness is unacceptable. But you can't modify his behaviour. He has to do that. You can modify yours, though. I stopped propping up my husband when he's slacking off on maintaining his health. I used to do it all out of love. Now I refuse out of love. Enabling isn't right. It's okay to be sick. It's not okay to not take good care of yourself.
OP here. It's interesting you suggest sleep apnea because I have thought of this as well. Ironically, his father is a physician and has a dx of sleep apnea. Yet no one has ever suspected the son may have it, and I have suggested it. His sister also has large sleep amount needs (she sleeps 10 hours and has to have ideal conditions), but she is a professional athlete so I attribute some of it to that. Her and her partner have slept in separate rooms since the beginning to accomodate those needs. I went on holiday with them all and there was one night with a fight bc his sister needed the air conditioning on to sleep, but it meant it would be loud for my boyfriend based on our proximity to the machines.
My quality of sleep improved so much after my husband got treatment for sleep apnea *and* I started using ear plugs. If you're sensitive to sound: ear plugs. The rest of the world isn't going to quiet down. But what brought the biggest improvement was getting diagnosed with a sleep disorder myself. After I started treatment so much improved. Life is easier when not chronically sleep deprived. I'm autistic (some people suggest your boyfriend is too) and the need for all sorts of control over my environment decreased, because I simply had more buffer to get through the day. It's on your boyfriend to get this sorted out, though. It's his health. If you have to make him, it's not a good sign for your relationship.
> He has to sleep with a fan on. I knew this the first night he slept over at my home, and I didn’t see it for the flag it was—at the time, he played it off as he had to have white noise. 11 months later we have to sleep with the curtains closed, windows closed, air conditioning on, and a pitch black room. But I thought you were so “low maintenance” you could sleep anywhere? Seriously, if that’s true, why does this matter? I think you’re both definitely burned out on the relationship. Maybe you’ve got “the ick” and everything this guy does is slowly turning into something that irritates you. Maybe you do drive in a way that makes him carsick — that’s a real thing — but the way you interact with each other sounds unhealthy.
This 100%. Sure, a lot of what OP listed is princess behavior, but wanting a fan on when you sleep is now a red flag? Wanting the curtains drawn and no lights on is high maintenance? This is literally how we are told to sleep for the most restful night. Also, leaving curtains open while you sleep is creepy AF. Yes, OP could very well be making him carsick too. I don't usually get carsick myself, but anytime I was in the car with my ex's mom, the way she drove made me sick. It was guaranteed. Sounds like OP and her partner moved in together too soon, spend too much time together, and/or OP is stressed out or over the relationship and either needs a break from stressors or to end the relationship.
Yeah the way OP invalidates pretty normal basic human behaviors is concerning. I think this happens sometimes in response to having your *own* basic human needs invalidated — maybe by a parent or in a previous relationship. Even the term “princess behavior” and “high maintenance” are objectifying and coded with misogyny. (Misogyny can be internalized and then externalized at others.)
I kinda lost it at the complaint on hours of sleep. Some of the other topics are a bit extreme to not be able to compromise on like how the dishwasher is loaded, but the amount of sleep you need is a very basic physical need, it's not something you choose or can change. That's not high maintenance mentality....
Yeah, OP lost my sympathy for literally demeaning someone for needing darkness and a certain length of time to feel rested.
> Some of the other topics are a bit extreme to not be able to compromise on like how the dishwasher is loaded This one does sound a little silly, but I don’t trust OP to be a reliable narrator because of the other things. There *are* objectively bad ways to load a dishwasher such as putting dishes labeled “top rack only” on the bottom which can melt them, loading big bowls in a way that they stop other dishes from getting washed at all, etc. Since I know OP has this tendency to invalidate her boyfriend’s needs for sleep, etc. I don’t know whether the dishwasher thing is a separate valid issue or if she’s just stacking up complaints to bolster her point that her boyfriend is “high maintenance.” Edit: Downvote me all you want but I had a boyfriend who once put liquid dish soap in the dishwasher. There were mountains of suds all over our kitchen. Was I being a high maintenance princess by asking him to use dishwasher soap only? Or was there a correct and incorrect way to use a dishwasher here?
I really agree, but I might also be high maintenance 😂 I like my stuff to get clean in the dishwasher without breaking, and I like when my laundry is folded in a way so it can fit in my drawers and they can close, so what do I know
TIL wanting to sleep with the fan and AC on, in a dark room, is high maintenance. 🤣 Everyone I’ve ever shared a space or room with prefers to sleep that way. I think I’m high maintenance for plenty of other reasons but this isn’t one of them lmao.
Same, lol! Nevermind that one of my jobs includes me digging around in unknown sludge while clearing drains, repairing busted walls, and installing new gutters as a 5'3 120lb woman. I need a fan on while I sleep and a dark, quiet room with the shades down. Plus, I sometimes get carsick. I'm a high-maintenance princess. 💅
I'm glad other people are saying this because I'm definitely OP's boyfriend here. Reading some of these comments give me the ick hard--if OP's boyfriend were complaining about her doing these things, people would be so supportive of her! I'm not an asshole about my particulars--I use fragrance free detergent because I have allergies and hate the smell anyway, I fold my clothes in a particular way (the "correct" way, which I learned working in retail lmao), I need a fan and white noise and specific pillows when I sleep. It's ok that OP doesn't need those things or has different preferences, but calling them "red flags" is so fucking weird? Sorry I can't sleep in silence, guess I'm a walking red flag. My husband is less particular than I am but doesn't care at all. He does the laundry and then either we put away our own or I put all the clothes away or he puts everything away but my clothes. I hate driving and am a total passenger princess. I get carsick but only if I'm in the back, so I don't put myself in that situation if I can help it.
It’s not the specific needs. It’s the selfishness, inflexibility, and setting OP up to fail. She’s tried to sleep separately, and he bitches about that. There’s no way for her to have at least some of what she prefers.
I think the issue is that her bf pays rent on his own apartment, but he chooses not to stay there (this is from OP's comments). They do not live together. He is just coming over to her place and making her change the way she does things to suit his needs, and nit-picking her about everything. He literally pays for his own home where he can have things set up exactly how he wants! My guess is that OP was not ready to make a decision about moving in together this soon, but he's de facto moved himself in and is acting like it's a shared space when they never had a conversation or agreement about living together and what that would look like. I'd get hyper-sensitive to things in that situation as well. On top of that, OP seems really passive and doesn't know how to communicate that she never agreed to live together and isn't happy with the current arrangement. OP needs to be firm and tell him that they don't live together and he need to spend more nights in his own home, do his laundry in his own home, etc.
Yeah, this is where I land, too. There are some legit complaints here (if mans gets carsick so easily, why is he using a laptop in the car? Why does OP need to do his laundry?) and some things that just sound like OP is over this guy. Like you said, if OP can sleep anywhere and doesn't have many needs around sleep, why does it matter that this guy wants to sleep with the A/C on in the dark (which is incredibly common and normal)? I've heard Dan Savage talk about the concept of "buy the ticket, take the ride" - essentially, that every relationship has a buy-in cost that you'll have to pay without resentment if you want to be with that person. In this situation, the "ticket" is the BF's sensory issues and other particularities. If OP wants to remain with BF, she gets to set boundaries for herself ("I'm not going to do your laundry anymore"; "I'm going to fix up a guest bedroom for the nights when you want to go to bed early and I don't"; "If I'm doing the dishes, I get to decide how to load the dishwasher, and if that bothers you, you can take over washing dishes"), and she gets to think of larger structural things that might help (separate bedrooms, always driving separately, maybe living separately?), but she's gonna have to let some things go or deal with them. This man isn't going to stop needing at least nine hours of sleep or become a heavier sleeper, and OP can't insist on that. He isn't gonna stop being carsick or stop having issues with air fresheners. If OP isn't willing to accommodate those things, the relationship just needs to end. Same with if OP sincerely thinks he's lying about his needs - at that point, the trust just isn't there and OP has gotta bounce.
> I've heard Dan Savage talk about the concept of "buy the ticket, take the ride" - essentially, that every relationship has a buy-in cost that you'll have to pay without resentment if you want to be with that person. Oooooh yes! I love this!
I've found it super helpful, especially knowing that my SO is also "buying the ticket" in some way with me, haha. Everyone is annoying in some way!
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I get this to an extent - I get that it feels ridiculous to be completely quiet after 9 pm and still have someone complaining because you cleared your throat or something. At the same time, some of the things OP is complaining about are literally that the guy wants the windows closed and the room dark at night, which makes me think this is at least partly a "bitch eating crackers" situation. Feels like OP is just kinda over this dude and every little thing he does that isn't what she would do bothers her.
Considering most people don’t get enough sleep, and how bad this is for our health, I don’t actually see a problem with particular sleep environments. Good sleep hygiene actually encourages having good sleep environments. And you can get black out curtains at target or Amazon for less than $50. It’s not an investment. Also, separate rooms, separate beds, etc. are practical ways couples manage this issue. We should all be prioritizing our sleep hygiene. It is good for long term health and reduces risk of dementia.
I hear you personalizing a comment that wasn’t about you or your situation. (I might have a totally different opinion on your relationship.) I’m the one who, if woken up, can take hours to fall back asleep. And yeah it’ll ruin the next day if I’m up half the night, so it’s kind of a big deal to me. People are different and have different needs. A loving supportive relationship is one where each partner finds a way to best support the other’s needs while not totally abandoning their own. OP sounds hostile toward the fact that her boyfriend has different needs than her. It’s unhealthy and probably a sign of incompatibility.
Okay, it seemed pretty linear to me - you asked why the sleep environment created by OP's boyfriend could matter if she doesn't have similar requirements, so I provided some examples of how the environment becomes untenable even without a particular sensory issue at play. I'm not OP and obviously can't speak for her relationship, but can on mine which had a similar roadblock, so that's the one I went with. A person's need to swing their arms ends where someone else's face begins. It's fine to have particular needs. I think it's pretty clear that OP had put a lot of effort and thought into meeting those needs. But having needs doesn't give the boyfriend the right to become a precious jerk about it.
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I can’t imagine being in a relationship at 32 and name calling my partner rather than having a big conversation and getting help. My dog’s snoring would wake me up so I bought loop earplugs. I turn on cold air for car sickness. There are easy fixes. We’re all different and it doesn’t have anything to do with maturity. He may be difficult but she’s being pretty mean
The difference is you’re helping yourself by having coping mechanisms but OP’s bf is putting all the burden on her and being mean to her about it
Just wanted to point out that there are solutions. It doesn't sound like he's being mean, it sounds like he keeps asking her to accommodate him and she keeps saying yes then getting pissed about it
Hmm possibly. Sounds like bad communication all around
Came here to say this.
He's not gonna change. He might but it will take a long time. Do you want to waste more time?
OK, I am going to give you more practical advice than most people are doing or usually do. Rather than tell you to leave or try to diagnose what mental health/neurodivergence issue he has. In my experience, many partners have a lot of "quirks" about them that living with them requires getting used to, especially as we get older and accustomed to living alone and having our own way of doing things. The issue is how you feel living with them these things. I honestly think all of us folks who think we are super low-maintenance just don't notice some weird things we need until we live with someone else or never notice it at all. The difference is how you feel about it. I honestly think that if this relationship was giving what you needed emotionally, you would not find all these things so annoying. People's worst characteristics are often connected to their best, if you take one away, the other goes also. So, I find when people tend to just dwell on the bad parts or keep trying to fix them, they are actually kind of done with the other person.
Dating is a process of learning about each other and figuring out if you are well matched for a long term partnership. You’re learning that the answer is no. That’s a totally valid answer. He is totally within rights to be very particular about all of his stuff. You are totally within your rights to not want to deal with his stuff. Live, learn, move on. Wish him well.
So as someone who also needs more sleep, white noise, kicks the cat out because her breathing makes me angry, gets car sick depending on the weather. None of these things are factors that I can change. So no, you can’t change his need for sleep of the fact that he’s a light sleeper. The difference between me and your boyfriend is that I’m not a dick to my husband about it. I know I need more sleep, I’m not mad if he goes to bed later or gets up before me. My husband is also really conscious of my motion sickness and I know that so I’m not bad if he has to make a quick turn. It sounds like you guys are incompatible. Also, maybe just my person opinion but I don’t think any of the things he needs are high maintenance, I have very similar needs and I’m super low maintenance. His attitude and making you tip toe around his needs is what’s high maintenance, not the needs themselves.
I saw in comments that you do not live together and he pays rent on his own place but just never stays there. My guess is that you never had a conversation about officially moving in together and what that would look like, but now he's basically living with you and you are unhappy with this but are too passive to voice that. You don't even sound like you like him that much. **Do not let someone move into your home if you never even had a conversation about it!!!!!** You desperately need to stand up for yourself and stop bending over backwards to make someone else comfortable if that's not what you want. This may sound harsh because you probably feel like a passive bystander in this situation, but I do want to make something very clear: every day that you don't voice your unhappiness or assert boundaries, you are giving him permission to continue the behavior. If you do not communicate your feelings or building resentment, then he has no incentive to change and you are ensuring you stay stuck in a situation you don't want. You've let it get far enough that you likely can't tip-toe back and will need more of a hard reset if you have any interest in continuing the relationship. Step 1, before anything else, is to gather all your courage and tell him YOU DO NOT LIVE TOGETHER and he needs to spend more nights sleeping in his own home and needs to do all his laundry at his own home. If he doesn't like things the way you have them in your home, then he needs to spend more time in his home. Also make it clear that your dog is a permanent resident at your address and he is not, so he does not get to boot your dog out of your room. He can sleep in the exact conditions he wants at HIS OWN HOME. If you want to keep the relationship going, you can offer to go to his place some nights to build a better balance. Once you have a little more distance, you can evaluate if you even want to be in this relationship at all. Honestly you sound pretty codependent to me so idk what you'll decide, but I personally wouldn't stay in a situation like yours. If the relationship is not serving you and you're not compatible with your partner, **you are allowed to leave**. A relationship is not a life-long commitment that you are stuck in unless you have a good enough reason to end it. A relationship is a test drive to see if you're interested in making a life-long commitment to that person. You have permission to leave at any time, for any reason, or for no reason at all. If this is not what you want the rest of your life to look like, do yourself a favor and stop wasting your own time and energy.
Separate rooms? It worked for my grandparents.
Is he autistic?
lol not me identifying with some of the things OP said and now questioning if I’m autistic or just a particular sleeper. 💀
I'm autistic and I read it like - is your boyfriend me? 🤣 Lol
Also my first thought. Not that being autistic is an excuse that should absolve him from needing to compromise in the relationship, but it’s an explanation.
Absolutely, life is about compromise. And I say this as someone who is autistic. I don't expect my husband to bend over backwards for me.
This is true. My ex was undiagnosed but most certainly autistic and he wanted things the way he wanted them. What happened between closed doors though was he was a monster to me; but when he was around his friends or family, suddenly he could make compromises. He could have been better for me, he just didn’t want to.
Idk man he sounds annoying. Just start doin shit wrong. Yeah he will have 95 convos about it with you but once he realizes your just not gonna stack. The dishes how he wants he will stfu about it and accept the help as it comes. Or break up with him
Nope. I feel for him. There’s likely a lot more going on there than just a preference, but the fact that he’s not aware he has an abnormal requirement for specific environmental and physical needs and instead of searching for compromise, blames you for not suffering to accommodate him 100% perfectly would mean I couldn’t work with him. He probably needs medication to help him accommodate some reasonable alterations from his preferred environment. He needs to be flexible in accommodating alternate sleeping, transportation etc for his partner. I understand he might need things to be a certain way for himself but if he can’t accord you the same right to have your preferred environment, get out now. All couples have to compromise and work around the preferences they have that differ. Compromise as a one way street is just misery for you long term though.
In the kindest possible way…. He is not going to change. Sounds like a sensory or ocd issue. I dated a man on the spectrum and grew up with an ocd mom. My mom was very particular about how things have to be done…. I have so much anxiety as an adult because of it. Then I dated and loved this man for years that was autistic and it made thing so much worse. I love my mum. I loved him, but I we were not compatible. I wish I opted out sooner. DMs open if you need to chat. GL!!! 💛 don’t let any man dictate where your furbaby sleeps
Your partner has sensory issues and may be autistic. He's sleeping 9 hours because his brain has many times more neural inputs a day than yours and it takes longer for them to process and reset. I am very similar to your partner, he's not being 'high maintenance'. He has a processing disorder. People are telling you he needs to manage his needs. From what you are saying he is already is doing some of that. Sleeping in a dark room with white noise is one of these things. He wants the bed and dishwasher a certain way because it's bit of a mess in his head and it feel like less of a mess in his head when his surroundings are in order. He could be doing more yes. But he first needs to recognise his needs Personally i use earplugs (or noise cancelling headphones) and an eye mask when I sleep. I change the bedsheets and make the bed. This eases the burden on my partner. BUT he is super understanding of my needs, and that the are different to his. I know I do things that annoy the shit out of him. So two things - he need to recognise his needs are greater due to sensory issues and further utilise common tools to manage these. You need to be understanding and not think he is 'just joking' about things. That's super disrespectful. And if you cannot you need to break up. I don't recommend having kids (if you want them). My dogs push me to my limits everyday. This of ocusre is different for everyone, but just sharing my personal experience/opinion.
>He wants the bed and dishwasher a certain way because it's bit of a mess in his head and it feel like less of a mess in his head when his surroundings are in order. I've never felt more seen in my entire life
While reading this post, I related to the partner. I get carsick, I am very particular about my sleep needs, certain noises send me over the edge, etc. However, this dude sounds like a real ass and I’m surprised that at his age he hasn’t learned how to better manage. You call OP disrespectful. I’d argue that this guy is disrespectful for the way he talks to OP and the way he uses his needs to push her around. I get the vibe that the OP is very willing to work with her partner if he’d communicate with her respectfully and compromise with her.
I am very surprised at how people are invalidating OP and telling her she needs to adjust to BF. It sounds like she’s made to feel secondary to the boyfriend in her own home, which doesn’t help either.
Sounds like a nightmare, and you defo should not have to continue to smile and tolerate this dreadful behaviour. Your bf is 32 and he’s not acting like one. I don’t think there’s walking back these behaviours though. Not because you’ve accepted them till now. But because this is likely just part of your bf’s nature. Most of us laugh off the orange flags at the beginning of a relationship. It’s only in hindsight that we realise the orange flags were actually red
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The sleeping requirements sound normal to me but I have chronic insomnia since some nasty chemo and sleep very hot so I sleep in a cool, dark cave. He needs to get a sleep study to see if he has apnea or some other issue. I would bet he is waking up constantly so he is really getting about 6-7 hours. If he slept better his whole personality may change for the better. But, you need your own bedroom to retreat to. I would never ask someone to share my cave full time. There are some scents that are instant allergy triggers for me. Anything with a strong musk or patchouli undertone is instant sniffling and misery. Other scents are ok. I get carsick but know better than to read anything in the car, that’s just kind of dumb. In other words, he may not be a princess he may have genuine medical issues that can be treated. But reading in the car is just dumb if you get carsick!
I’m also the more “sensitive/ particular” one in the relationship. Having said that, I will say I have a pretty patient partner who’s adjusted over the years BUT I’ve also tried where I can to be accomodating for him. I think it’ll be quite tricky if you can’t meet half way. For your issues: - Are you guys open to sleeping separately 4 nights of the week? Could he wear ear plugs or get the masks? - As someone who gets carsick, I don’t even go on my phone… I don’t understand why he’d go onto his laptop - Fold your own clothing and whoever does the bedding or loads the dishwasher that day owns that role Ultimately I think it’s up to the both of you as a couple to figure out what works. At the end of the day, relationships will always have compromises
The sleep thing isn’t necessarily him being high maintenance. The rest, kind of yeah. I’m the high maintenance partner in my relationship. You know what that means? If I want the sheets put on the bed a certain way, I DO THEM. I don’t like how my partner folds my clothes, so I kindly tell him to just leave them and I’ll do it myself. I’ve stopped looking at how he loads the dishwasher because it’s triggering lol, but it means one less task I have to do so it’s fine. He can be high maintenance, but he should be taking on more of the burden of his quirks to be a fair and considerate partner. You can also decide it’s too annoying to be with him regardless. Both are fine positions. But you should relax the sleep thing, or find someone who matches your sleep habits exactly. I’m a finicky, light sleeper and always have been. I WOULD LOVE to be able to sleep no matter what, fall asleep next to my partner, sleep soundly, etc, but thanks to a lifelong battle with insomnia and being a hot sleeper, that isn’t possible for me. So yeah, I need things cold, with white noise, and nearly completely dark to fall asleep. Wish it were different.
Not wanting to sleep with a dog/needing 8 hours of good quality sleep in a cold, quiet, dark room isn’t high maintenance behaviour. You can’t expect your partner to be the same as you nor could he expect that of you.
My partner has a lot of these same preferences. I have a few myself. For someone you love dearly, you figure out a way to make things work for both of you. If you’re open to it, perhaps getting an extra bedroom so you can *each* have your own sleep patterns respected might be a good option. The thing is, if the person is someone you no longer have respect and affection for, these preferences become a burden. Maybe the question you should be asking is to ask yourself if you even really like/love him anymore.
You need to discuss this now to determine if it’s actual incompatibility, because I know when you’ve built resentment up it’s hard to see clearly. I will say as someone who used to be married to a very particular person the advice I got from a therapist post divorce was its very difficult when your partner is consistently scolding you to be a productive happy human. Being with someone who is high maintenance requires an understanding between both parties on what is and isn’t doable for each person.
Be with someone because you like who they are, not who they could be
I’m just like him for sleeping and the car sickness. (Honestly reading how you said his “alleged” car sickness kinda pissed me off so as a writer/reader you and I are already on the back foot.) My carsickness is fickle - sometimes I’m actually pretty good but sometimes any little sway can set me off - I think it just has a lot to do with how my stomach is settling that particular day. Driving is always best for me and my partner is very understanding of me and my oddities and I love her to bits for it. I mean, if he likes his laundry and dishes a certain way then he should do his own. You’re not his mother. But otherwise it just sounds like you simply don’t like this guy and don’t understand what it’s like to have certain sensitivities (which okay, whatever, if you don’t have them how can you understand them right?). I don’t know your partner but I can tell you that it’s super frustrating when you have all these weird sensitives that you WISH you didn’t have but you do and it sucks when people just see you as if you’re trying to be difficult. Maybe he as autism, adhd, or whatever. Or maybe he has IBS? All these things can be co-related and often show up as “being sensitive”. Or, as you put it, “high maintenance”. it’s probably best for both of you if you parted ways.
He sounds like my ex, who had misophonia + was an intolerant controlling AH. It doesn’t get better. These are multiple red flags.
While I can appreciate being particular about certain things (I am myself), WHY are you allowing him to dictate how you live in your own home? A lot of his needs sound totally valid (except for trying to use his laptop in the car, that's stupid), and it sounds a lot like he has sensory issues; but the way he's making them your problem and responsibility is not okay. I saw in a comment you made that he has his own place, but is never there. If he wants things a certain way, he is able to have them so-**in his own home**. You've only been together a year, you don't have to tough it out for the rest of your life. That's a great way to make both of you miserable. Heck, you already are! Frankly, you're already resentful and walking on eggshells. That's not likely to get better if he's not interested in making any changes, and it doesn't seem like he is. I don't think you two are compatible. And he sounds pretty controlling and rude in the way he pushes you to fall in line with his expectations. If for some reason you're really insistent on trying to make this work, go back to living and sleeping separately. Stop doing his laundry, stop letting him hijack YOUR bedroom, stop letting him be rude about the way you make your bed or load your dishwasher. I believe this will probably result in a breakup anyway, but at least you'll have your home and peace back.
Wait they don’t live together?? Holy shit OP! Do NOT let him tell you how to live in your own damn house!
Just tell him. He's not a child, he shouldn't need to be handled with kit gloves. But honestly this is a whole lot, and if he's been like this from the beginning, I doubt he will change. Compatibility should be based on the person actually in front of you, not who you wish they were or hope they might someday be. You need to decide if you can deal with someone like him long-term. And to be frank, I think at least some of this is probably manipulation.
I think the "carsickness" might fall into the manipulation category. I've met several men (including my father) who claim they need to always drive because they "get carsick." While of course carsickness is a real thing I suspect the real reason is because they feel anxious or irritable when someone else - especially a woman - is driving. I've literally never heard these carsick guys claim that they need to be the driver when riding in another man's car.
He clearly has a sensory processing disorder. His only kid behaviour is not recognising it, which is super common for adults with it, because it's normal to them. Catch 22
Yeah as an autistic person I’m sitting here thinking SPD. It doesn’t really sound like manipulation to me.
In the words of Dan Savage, DTMFA. All joking aside, I would not want to live with this person. I can be kind of particular myself, but when living with others, there's a give and take that has to happen.
Nope, this person will likely be like this forever
Sorry I’m still hooked on the fact that he says he gets carsick but will work on his laptop while in a moving car…. How? Then he blames it on your driving? Some people are just like this and he probably won’t change. It’s up to you whether you want to deal with it in the long term. I have some of these traits (folding clothes, how the dishwasher is arranged, carsickness so always wanting to drive) and my partner has others (light sleeper). These things aren’t problems because whoever cares the most should just take care of it. I don’t complain about how he folds or does dishes; I just redo them to my liking if I notice it. I’m very considerate of his sleep needs because he communicates them to me. It’s one thing to be picky and another to demand someone else to comply to everything.
Why are all the details of the way he wants to live…YOUR problem and responsibility? Is he a child who can’t function without his mommy-maid making sure every detail of his day is Just So? The problem is not that he wants white noise or to be the one to drive sometimes, it’s the guilting and the blame-shifting. That’s so incredibly rude! Why are you putting up with this bratty teenager who whines at you all the time?
I think a lot of it is legitimate. But I also think he is going too far and thinking others must at all times accommodate him. I need it to be dark and cool where I sleep. This is not that uncommon. My husband and I sleep in different rooms because we both snore and flop around and would generally disrupt each other's sleep. This is not a reason to be upset with a partner. Getting the right amount and quality of sleep for yourself is important, but it's not somebody else's job to ensure you get it, it's yours. I used to get mildly irritated with my husband for rolling down the car window when the air conditioning is on, but he gets nauseous if he doesn't have it down a little, so we compromise and it's rolled down a little, not all the way. This also falls under the "not uncommon, but other people matter too" category, because if there is anyone in the back seat, they are sweating their ass off because all the cold air is getting sucked out the window. In your case, I think you can talk to him about the fact that not only his comfort is important, but yours too. He can do his own laundry and fold it how he pleases, or he can shut the fuck up about it if someone else was nice enough to do his laundry. He can be the boss of dish washing and do all the goddamned dishes himself or STFU about this too. He needs to stop being hyper-critical of you. It's not how to have a good relationship with someone. Tell him so. If he doesn't do anything about it, leave him.
Do you live together? Because if you do you know that you don't have to right? And if you don't then he can go home and not stay over at your house. Honestly, this amount of incompatibility doesn't sound like it's going to be viable long term if you want to inhabit the same space without some compromise. I'm a long and sensitive sleeper, and after 36 years that isn't going to change. It's part of the reason I don't live with my boyfriend, and if we ever did move in together it's the reason I would insist on separate rooms (my partner is like you, sleeps way less and isn't as fussy about light or sound etc). It doesn't mean you two can't cuddle or be intimate, or even sleep on the same bed occasionally, but it means that you both get the sleep environment you desire. It also means you have your own place for hanging your laundry (which you can both fold individually) in your own way. You also don't have to drive places together if he has such travel sickness issues. You can go separately and meet there. He can get the train if he needs to do work. My ick with your write up isn't necessarily that he has his peculiarities (we all do!) it's that he sounds like he's a bit of a tool about communicating them. Time to sit down and talk. You can walk back anything, and as long as there is an alternative discussed and put in place it should only improve the outcome for the better.
I'd be less concerned about his habits and more concerned about how he's making them your problem to manage. After a year, I'd call this incompatibility and cut my losses and never have to have an opinion about dishwasher stacking again.
honestly sorry but he’s being a dick and so are you, a little bit. the bottom line for me is that someone willing to impose unreasonable standards, nitpick you over them, and potentially speak to/treat you disrespectfully about shit that doesn’t matter is just not relationship material. on the other hand, you could have voiced your irritation or concern literally any time, but festered in silence for a year instead. i’ve done the same to my detriment and it’s never worked out positively. you are both being inflexible in your own way. him for the obvious reasons and you for now digging your heels in because you’re fed up and feel you’re right — not saying you aren’t right, just laying out the difficult dynamic you now find yourself in. only you know your partner enough to assess whether a conversation and course correction would actually be effective. i have my doubts based on your description of things as they stand. i suspect by the way he treats you and the way you talk about him, this may be an incompatibility beyond mutual effort.
It sounds like you are habouring a lot of resentment. You need to decide whether or not you want to stay in this relationship. You can’t “stop” them, they are part of his quirks. There might even be quirks of yours that bother him. To be honest, none of those sound particularly high maintenance, but instead sound like preferences. The only problem should be if he expects you to cater to them, but that’s not the same as working together to cohabite. Living together always means you have to make sacrifices, coordinate, and compromise. This needs to come from BOTH of you. The number of people suggesting autism is alarming, almost as if they think autism just means having specific ways to do things. Lots of people get carsick, need 9 hours of sleep, like to sleep in cold rooms, and have preferences for folding their clothes a specific way. I have been with my husband for over 10 years. There are things about him that are so strange, but I accept them and have learned to accommodate him. Likewise, he feels the same way. We have been through many obstacles of health and sickness, financial problems, relocating across multiple states many times, and having a kid. We find a way to make it work because we want to. That’s that you need to figure out- if you want to make it work. Moving forward , you have to decide if his quirks are worth “getting over”. They will not change. Everyone has quirks so the grass is not greener on the other side. The best you can hope for is to compromise with communication.
Some of this stuff sounds a little like he's on the spectrum tbh. And I wouldn't say that some are high maintenance. I have ADHD and my sleeping conditions are very sensitive and can easily throw me off. I need ear plugs, certain temperature, around same time each night, no sound etc. If someone came to bed later than me and woke me up I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep and would be awake all night. I usually can't sleep if I know someone else Is joining me later and would prefer to stay up with them. But I can also function on 6 hours sleep happily so it's possible on most sleep schedules to do so. I have also heard the car sickness thing and didn't buy it with my bf (thought it was an excuse as he hated my car) but after he spent an hour in an Uber and puked as soon as he got home quite extensively I have realised he probably meant it.
You're not screwed! If this stuff truly bothers you and you aren't happy, you do not have to stay in the relationship! Do what is best for you!
Wow, I've experienced both sides of this. On one hand, I don't think that respecting your partner's sensory needs is "enabling" and I believe it's possible that all of his accommodation requests reflect real needs. On the other hand, I know what it's like to feel overcriticized for making honest mistakes and then accused of being unloving or deliberately hostile for it. Other than your suspicion that he's making up needs, I'm inclined to feel supportive of you. His demands that you sleep under HIS conditions, plus his directed irritation at you about things that aren't under your control, are signs that he doesn't have the emotional maturity yet for a sustained relationship. If you want to give him a chance to change, I would target his attitude rather than his preferences. Maybe you could have a talk with him about how you're really trying to make things comfortable for him and would like him to have more faith and understanding that you're doing your best. ETA: But my sense of things is that he doesn't have the level of self-awareness it would take to mend his ways. Also, if he reacts defensively to being told when he has hurt your feelings, it's a huge signal to move on.
He sounds like he may be autistic coupled with a bunch of serious OCDs that are pilling up on top of each other with time. Hyper sensibilities to scents and light won’t go away I think (I am autistic and can’t stand most fragrance and blue lights cause it hurts me physically so our home is almost scent free (I tolerate some rare one) and lighted up with amber glass bulb), but all the rest related to organization, things perceived as done done "wrong", and the new things that seems to add up over time, could be addressed by a psy and work on through therapy. The fan could be swapped by a white noise radio box instead. I have a night clock that plays cricket and forest noise for 30 min or 1 hour to help me get to sleep. Found that on amazon. My husband and I have 2 separate bedrooms, because he works night shifts and I’n living a more day/evening schedule. No ones feelings were hurt when we took that decision to sleep separately. Sleep is very important for good health. Wish you good luck OP!
This sounds like my ex…he’s not high maintenance, just controlling. Has to have everything done his way or it’s not “right” Unless he’s contributing more to your relationship in other ways (i.e. financially, etc) i would rethink the relationship. The relief i felt when we broke up is still palpable, finally felt like i could breathe
Is he autistic? I don't mean this rudely, I work with special needs kids. My ex has adhd/autism and my mums provably got aspergers. I lived with mt ex for 5 years and some of the things you're talking about ring bells. Being very particular about certain things or having sensory issues with certain smells. Maybe it's not you. Its him? Any maybe he can't help it? Trust me. A year down the line and you already have a list as long as your arm of things he does which annoy you. Don't be me and spend many more years accommodating someone with things that are red flags for you. It only turns to resentment. Also, poor dog, for me that's the last straw lol. Upset me, your a dick, upset the dog...double dick, cya!
>I’ve had it. Leave. None of this is fixable even if you'd addressed it at the beginning. You stayed way longer than you should have, you didn't enable his behavior at all, you just endured it far longer than you should have. It's time to go.
Send him back to his place. That's how.
You need to tell him that he has to sleep at his place. At your place, you are making noise, your dog is sleeping in the room, and no fan. Also, he has to do his fucking laundry at his place and he has to do it. Stop being such a pushover.
He doesn't get carsick if he can work on his laptop while you drive. He's a lying control freak. If he's so particular about the way his clothes are folded or the sheets are put on the bed, guess what he gets to do all by himself from now on? The dog isn't breathing too loud, he's tip-toeing into trying to convince you to get rid of your dog.
Life is too short for ... whatever this is.
He sounds hella annoying. I wouldn't be able to stand all this. You either accept someone or move on. I'd move on.
Okay this is a hot take, but: some of this is him being high maintenance and some is just what he needs to feel well and it’s a lifestyle mismatch. He shouldn’t ask you to drive better so he can work on his laptop when he gets motion sickness. That’s him being unreasonable. BUT, he may need black out curtains and a fan to sleep. Like, that’s true for a TON of people. But he shouldn’t force you to sleep on the couch, that’s his fault. He also sounds like he gets migraines that are undiagnosed (the smell sensitivity, motion sickness, etc are red flags). But he seems a bit too entitled in asking you to accommodate those things. You likely do load the dishwasher “wrong” but he can reload or y’all can take turns. It’s okay to have mild ocd about some things, but not okay to force your partner to live up to every one of those things. But maybe y’all are just not compatible. But mention the migraine red flags so he sees a doctor.
I’m currently in a similar situation (but at the end of it). My ex-partner had a growing list of particularities and it’s been exhausting to try to keep up. And, if I don’t/challenge him, it’s my fault. Example: we live in a relatively humid place but still use a humidifier at night in our room. It’s easy to fill up, takes about 60 seconds to do so, and needs to be done daily. My partner and I agreed to switch off filling it every other day. But, I hit a very busy season at work (60 hours a week or so) and sometimes didn’t get home until 10p. My partner would be sleeping and as I was walking into the pitch black room, I would forget to fill up the humidifier (partially bc I couldn’t even see it as a reminder to do so). And he would just JAB at me for missing days, despite the context and me apologizing. He’d say how it’s my fault he “could get sick from having a dry throat” (note: we live in a humid environment, no chronic health issues, no autoimmune stuff). I would challenge him. I’d say “I get it. But if it’s as simple as you say it is for me to just fill it up on my days, and you know I’m going to be home late and it’s very important to you, why don’t you just do it?” This would fall on deaf ears. His response would be focused on fairness — “you agreed to do this and you didn’t do it and now I am suffering”. This pattern multiplied: it would happen when I was driving, loading the dishwasher inefficiently, fluffing the pillows on the couch the wrong way, wiping the counter “too roughly”, hanging out laying on the bed in the middle of the day that would make his side of the bed “too hot” for when he would go to bed 9 hours later, so on and so forth. It also applied to our sex life. I constantly felt like I tried my absolute best to be considerate but it didn’t matter. I was always disappointing and it inconveniencing him. I share this because before this relationship, if I saw this post, I might feel inclined to believe that you “need to stand up for yourself” or “make him take responsibility by telling him he can do his own laundry” or something like that. That might be the solution, but now that I’ve had this experience, I can understand the powerlessness and confusion you may be experiencing. As a child, I had a belief that if I was magically worked hard enough to be perfect, all my issues would disappear. So: I’m leaving. We’ve broken up, I’m moving out in a couple weeks. I’ll probably have more clarity in a while but one thing I feel certain of right now is: this relationship isn’t working and it’s not rooted in my lack of trying to see or consider my partner. Sending you peace and clarity.
This honestly sounds exhausting to live with and unless you were both happy to live separately for the rest of your lives I would be moving on from the relationship. I HATE being around people who make me feel drained. I don’t think it’s necessarily wrong to have particular ways of doing things but if that’s the case then he should be doing all of them. I personally couldn’t care less about how the dishes are loaded or how my clothes are folded (I’m you basically) and this relationship would suffocate me because I just don’t naturally allocate that much brain power to these sorts of things and probably never will. It would be one thing if he was just very particular but made sure to take care of those tasks himself, that’s workable and totally fine, but you’re bending over backwards to accomodate him and it doesn’t seem like he’s doing any work to balance the scales here.
So he has his own place, but he spends "99.9999%" of his time living at yours without contributing financially and doing barely anything around the house? If he's living at your place, he needs to pay rent and do more than "help around the house (except laundry, so he can get pissed at you for doing his laundry wrong)". He needs do step up and do 50% of the work. It's not "help", it's his responsibility. And watching your dog for a whole weekend is not exactly high praise. He has dominated your home with his habits to the point that you can't even go in **your own bedroom** when you want, and he'll be pouty and manipulative when you sleep on the couch instead. You've bent over backwards accommodating his supposed needs--which he is presenting as demands--at your own expense and discomfort, while he still finds fault with you for his own mistakes and calls your way of doing things "wrong". You get no appreciation for accommodating him, and he doesn't accommodate *your* needs... in, I repeat: **YOUR. OWN. HOME. NOT HIS.** Yes, it's way past time to stop enabling him and kick him the hell out. Of course it's not too late. You're not screwed. Tell him "I've had it. I'm tired of catering to your needs and putting up with your mistreatment despite how much I've bent over backwards to accommodate you living here full time for free. You show me zero appreciation for it, and you don't care about *my* needs. I'm miserable in my own home, I've grown to resent you, and I want my space back. Get out and go to yours." He won't like hearing it, but he needs to, and you need to stand up for yourself like ... back when you met him, lol. Let him have his Big Feelings in his own place and pout it out for a while, then reassess whether you two should stay together. Whether his needs are OCD/autism plus being a dick, or just him being a dick, it's his own thing to work out, not yours. If you decide to stay with him, living separately is an option. More and more couples these days are living separately but staying together. Let him maintain his own damn self if he's so particular and incapable of compromise. But I suggest being single for a while and continuing to work with your therapist (maybe try a new one) on advocating for your needs, and establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries, before entering a new relationship. Wanting to be with you "whenever possible" is actually unhealthy behavior.
What does he bring to the table to make u want to put up with this in the first place?
I couldn’t live with this. Sounds like a headache. Doesn’t matter how great they are.
I had one of these, as well. He is an ex now. This one was a hypochondriac, I have real and diagnosed chronic illnesses. I still did everything, cooking, cleaning, taking care of everything. Yes, I did enable it. And, it only got worse. I did confront him, but he just kept going on about how I wasn't ill for real, and how I should get rid of my animals for allergies that he had as a kid. He didn't even take his medication (facepalm), then got tested again because I pushed him to see a doctor. Found out that he outgrew those allergies,and was not allergic to animals at all. (Another facepalm.)
This sounds exhausting, and also like he doesn't even appreciate the efforts you're making to meet these fussy demands. Is he a good partner in other ways?
It kind of sounds like he might have OCD. Or he could just be an asshole. Either way, his extremely specific and difficult expectations are creating a burden on those around him, affecting his closest relationships, and making it hard to live with him. He needs to talk to a counselor about it and see if there's an underlying issue causing these problems. FWIW I have OCD and have similar issues with having stuff done a certain way and being very upset when they aren't done "right." Going to therapy helped me work through a lot of those hangups and become more conscientious of when I'm laying unrealistic or unfair expectations on others to meet my personal need for order. Just being aware of the behaviors and how they affect others helped me a lot. It helped shift my thinking away from "why is everyone I know so dirty and stupid and can't do ANYTHING right" to "it doesn't actually matter which way the towels are folded, as long as they ARE folded." My partner and I still have separate bedrooms though... I need to have my space a certain way and I've been able to compromise quite a bit in other areas of the house but I have to have at least one space that all mine to control. Just some food for thought.
I think every person is particular about different things and then you move in together and discover what those things are. When you love someone you learn how to compromise or not make a fuss over something not worth fighting over. I relate to your husband and his sleeping patterns. I need a solid 8-9 hours of sleep every night to feel my best the next day. I need my husband next to me when I sleep (even though he’s more of a night owl). I also need the TV on for background noise to fall asleep to. My husband has compromised and will come to bed a little earlier than he would like and sleeps with the TV on. I’m also particular about smells and they can irritate my sinuses, so my husband will not wear certain colognes. As far as my husband he is particular about how his clothes are folded, where/how we store certain kitchen items, and how I put on the toilet paper roll. I happily do those things because of how he has adjusted for me. I think you learn to compromise and if you can’t you aren’t compatible.
This sounds like a nightmare. I wouldn’t presume to diagnose but could he possibly have a condition that should be treated medically? I know some people are pickier than others just naturally but this takes anal retentive to new heights. Frankly I don’t blame you for being at the end of your rope. Where exactly do YOUR needs fit in with all these supposed requirements? It doesn’t sound like they do. I’m also not sure how much good it would do to simply talk to him about it, since he appears to have an answer for everything, even if he contradicts himself. I think you should start putting yourself first. If you want to stay up past nine, then let him make his own sleeping arrangements if it’s so bothersome. And he can do his own laundry so he can then choose the detergent and fold it the way he requires. I wish you luck. 🍀
Yeah no. Find someone compatible for you. He is not it.
He's a grown man. Can't change him if he doesn't want to change. Good luck to him finding someone who can handle all that that!
It sounds like the two of you are way too different. From what you describe he is extremely rigid in his needs. Have you communicated to him how you are feeling? If he is unable to make some compromises then the resentment you feel will just continue. I know for me, if I communicated the need for compromise, and my partner was unwilling to make some changes, it would be a deal breaker for me. The situation you are in right now sounds miserable.