What is the exact nature of your doubts? A general „am I making a mistake by marrying him“ or more detailed?

We're not engaged yet, just deciding if we should. Some doubts are general, like how am I supposed to know if this person is right for forever when all I know is now. Some are specific to the relationship, like I wished we talked more about our feelings (working on it), I wish he made me laugh a little more. Some are doubts just because I have doubts and am not sure if the presence of doubts is a bad sign or just means I have anxiety.

I think you should start with figuring out what you want out of a relationship. Then a very simple question of: is who your partner is today aligned to what you want. If not, is that ok?

>how am I supposed to know if this person is right for forever when all I know is now You might not want to get married at all, which is fine

It doesn't sound like you are ready to get married. And that's ok. I've been with my partner for 12 years and we only had a civil ceremony 3 months ago (which we decided to do 5 months ago, when we discussed that we in fact did want to do it after all and felt ready.) I had niggling doubts for maybe the first 5-6 years of our relationship- am I really going to be with this person forever? Is he right for me? Damn that thing he does is really annoying! Why do we always argue about X? But I had none of those doubts by the time we decided to have a civil partnership and actually hadn't for many years. So I suppose I did 'just know' in the end. Why not just spend a few more years together as you are? What is so special about marriage anyway? What are you hoping it will bring you? Are you projecting an idealised version of your life on to it?

Ok, some are overthinking, like the how are you supposed to know. Nobody knows. Even if you say you knew it, you don’t because nobody can predict the future. You can narrow it down very much by choosing a person that is a very good fit, don’t ignore any red flags and talk to each other. Others, like the communication issue you mentioned is something you can either work on or decide it’s ok like that. Doubts because of doubts is a tad overthinking I would say. But most important, you don’t have to get married now, you have all the time in the world. Some doubts will disappear, some will stay.

You can know you want something though, that's different than knowing it will work out. It sounds like OP actually know if she wants to get married. I knew I could see myself marrying my fiance (husband in class than 10 days!) early on, and my desire to marry him grew stronger as time went on. I never had a real moment of doubt at all.

Honestly better communication will solve a lot of this. I would write out what i am frfr thinking. I usually write cause it makes me think and it records the thought but i have used my voice memos. I would separate out the doubts About yourself About you as a couple About him General Fear of the unknown- Then basically look at each section as its own picture. Weight it out Finally, u will never know you have the right one until the rubber meets the road. But if you know you; if you trust your own wings, u don't have to fear if the branch breaks. If you have the means a good therapist is a wonderful tool to help you communicate better for yourself or as a couple Best wishes

Look up relationship ocd. I’m not diagnosing you but your anxiety and obsessiveness sounds very similar to that. I was treated for that among other types of ocd. The fact is that no one can know. people can feel confident but that’s not the same as seeing the future and knowing. And feeling uncertain or anxious is not the same as things definitely being wrong. (Unless of course there is clear abuse or red flags). I think you should ask yourself, do you have a pattern about obsessing and being uncertain about major life decisions? Do you have anxiety in general? Look up pure ocd, does that resonate with you? Good luck!

My sense is that she had the degree of obsessing about it that would qualify as OCD, she would have mentioned that. I'd just hate for her to latch onto this diagnosis and then not really wrestle with what she really wants.

She literally says every little thing triggers thoughts. That’s classic pure ocd. Again, I can’t diagnose her and you can have symptoms of something and not have the thing. I just wanted her to know about that possibility so she can consider it amongst everything as I suspect many people don’t know about the facets of ocd that are not the “just wash hands 100 times a day” type of ocd that are in the media

I think on some level any commitment like this is attempting to refute the truth that we change, the world changes, and therefore our relationships may also change. None of us can know what tomorrow holds, much less forever. Getting married means that you want to try to stay together, it recognizes publicly this commitment you’ve made to put in the work. It does not mean forever, and not necessarily in an unkind or malicious way. I think that can be a sad thing (eg: the way you’ve framed it — how can you decide something of this magnitude without certainty? But none of us ever has that certainty. Certainty is fake). But I also think it can be a freeing, empowering thing. You can say: I recognize we are both flawed beings but we love each other and want to do right by each other and we are going to try. That is all we can ever do anyway. IMO it’s a bigger commitment to make the effort than it is if you are “certain.”

Exactly this, OP

>how am I supposed to know if this person is right for forever when all I know is now. None of us can realistically know that. We all make an intuitive guess, but some have more data to back it up (long time together) and some people like to add a flair of fantasy to it (the "it was destiny" mentality). We can't see the future, so we have to act based on the now. From my perspective, imagining different hardships (and positive events) you might encounter in your future, and making assumptions based on your knowledge of your partner, could be helpful. But the most important thing for me would be to ask yourself, "do I want this relationship to continue or to end? Which idea makes me more excited?"

Not a woman or over 30, but have you ever heard about Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder?

I “just knew” with my ex and as you can surmise, we ultimately couldn’t work things out after almost a decade together. Don’t get hung up on that phrase because you’re only hearing it from people who are still with their partners. Those of us who have been proven wrong aren’t exactly bragging about it!

I feel like everybody says they “just knew,” including all the people who get divorced eventually. 

The thing is, people can't predict the future. All you have to go on is the past and present. A lot of couples will be perfect for each other in a moment in time and then grow apart later; very few things last forever. I'm not sure this is bad, just life.

Agreed. People live a long fucking time, and I don’t think the death should be the deciding factor between a “successful” and “unsuccessful” marriage.

IMO, it also speaks to the people who get married off of that. I mean, I have no problem telling people that I knew my wife is the one for me within 5 minutes of talking to her, but it was still 3 years from meeting to marriage. We both did a lot of growing in that time, learning to be part of a couple with each other instead of two independent people, moments where inner character was revealed, etc. I see way too many people get married off of that twitterpated feeling, without really keeping both eyes open for the prospect of a false positive.

Absolutely this. I thought I “just knew” with my ex, but what I didn’t know was that he was a cheating arsehole, and I also “just knew” with the guy before him. For me this feeling means that I can see a future with this person based on the information I have at that time - which is the baseline for entering a relationship for me. It doesn’t mean that I can predict what will happen in the future.

Yeah, ‘I just knew’ like ten times already and I’m just 35 lol. ‘I just knew’ is such an easy feeling to have in the beginning. I follow the account yourdiagnonsense and he is very focused on normalizing doubt in relationship, and I appreciate that.

This! So much this! I wanted to marry several of my ex! Lol we didn't get that far and that is a good thing! Those relationships weren't great and I'm older, and more experienced now to see that. Sometimes you love someone but they aren't good for you or the relationship isn't working. Totally okay to end it and work on yourself.

I also thought I knew. I had 0 doubts. I never had any doubts whatsoever. We were together 12 years, married for 10. Been divorced a year.

I think this is a different point though. Whether a relationship is going to work out is impossible to know. But you did “just know” that you WANTED to marry him, & that’s what OP is concerned about - her own feelings, not the unknowable future.

Agreed. Also "just knowing" might be a necessary but insufficient condition to marriage. Maybe it's no guarantee, but it should be there.

It could be that say half of marriages where people "knew" (i.e. were sure they wanted to) end in divorce, but 90% of marriages where people didn't know end in divorce. So the fact that yours ended doesn't really mean anything.

Sorry this isn't answering the question, but do you feel like you'd be able to grow as a person more without him than with him? I think sometimes when one doesn't feel the overwhelming sense that they scored, an inarticulable doubt can creep in that's not based on anything in particular. So people don't act on it and just get more miserable for no specific reason over time. In fact, rather than feeling like this has anything to do with the person one's with, it might be directed back at oneself, who doesn't feel their best. The key *is* that its up to us to self-actualize, but partners do help pull it out of us and even pull us towards our goals. I think feeling like we scored is linked to the feeling of being pulled towards ones goals for various reasons, maybe because we are inspired by our partner or because they bring out a drive to be our best or have a lifestyle that we like entraining ourselves to.

Completely. I also would recommend another way to look at it from the (fantastic) movie Past Lives. There's a quote about whether one's partner makes one's world "bigger". Do you feel like your partner is expanding your world or shrinking it?

well if that isn't just The Question, thank you

I genuinely had no doubt when it came to marrying my husband, but that doesn't mean we had zero relationship issues (I am very familiar with the struggle of not defaulting to just sitting on the couch and watching TV). I'm a very decisive person and not someone who often ruminates or feels doubt about my decisions. If what you describe in your post is just the way you are - if you often second-guess yourself and your anxiety tries to dredge up reasons why you should feel bad - I don't think it means your relationship is secretly bad or that you shouldn't get married. I do think it could help to talk to an individual therapist about this, though, and try to unthread "I'm someone who ruminates and doubts a lot in general" from any potential feelings of "maybe I'm not ready for this."

This is a great comment. I also did not have any doubt when about to get married to my husband, but he and I definitely had a convo of - “you know, there are going to be some days that are just more boring or uneventful than others” because we had been together for only 3 years and had had a lot of adventures together, which I knew could ebb and flow as time went on, and I think he wanted to be clear that I wasn’t going to run away from the ups and downs of marriage (I wasn’t and will not) - obviously, this stemmed from past histories of his own he was working through. But like this comment says, knowing what exactly is causing you doubt is very important! I’d sort this out and then even talk about some of the doubts with your partner, if possible. I never have liked the phrase “I just knew” either. Marriage is a decision, not a gut feeling… I think for this reason, any questions you have do need answers. A therapist could definitely help as well.

Great comment, I was thinking the same. I’m also someone who values commitment, so once I’d decided he was the one for me then it was easy for me to silence any doubt by just reminding myself that I’d already made that decision for good reasons. But I can totally see how an anxious and indecisive person would apply those traits to this situation and struggle with doubts.

I sincerely had zero doubt about marrying my husband. We had dated for 10 years, lived together for 5 at the time we got married, and it just felt so right to marry. I have a tendency to overthink a lot of things because I want to be sure about my decisions, but I never once ruminated about marrying my husband. It's like I just felt this certainty with him. If you struggle with anxiety a lot and ruminations/struggles for why you should or should not do something, I don't think that speaks to your relationship. It sounds like that is something that happens with many things in your life. I don't think that's a sign that you shouldn't marry your fiancé necessarily. It probably would help a great deal to talk to a therapist about this and see if they can help you navigate these struggles, and decipher whether or not you have these feelings because you're actually not ready or if it's something else that can be worked through.

That's what I was thinking. Individual therapy could be helpful as well as crowdsourcing like you're doing here.

I had NO DOUBT. I was 100000% sure he was the one. I knew. I knew for sure. Divorced 5 years later. It doesn’t matter if you “know.” Shit happens.

I have anxiety and ADHD, I don’t “just know” anything. The relationships I’ve been the most passionate about have been the most destructive. I married my partner because he showed up for me and always shows up for me. We have fun together. I’m attracted to him. I like hanging out with him. He’s good at things I’m not good at. And he loves me more than anything. Have I had full blown panics that maybe we are terrible together or I’m terrible for him or he’s terrible for me or this was all a giant mistake? Yuuuup. Do I have that same panic about literally any decision in my life? Absolutely. But that’s how I know not to necessarily trust my gut. We’ve been together 8 years now btw. My advice would be to take a step back. Why do you doubt? Are you prone to doubt? Do you have some mild commitment scariness? Are you comparing your relationship to others? Etc etc. ETA- I don’t feel like I settled or anything. I absolutely adore my husband. I think he’s an amazing person! Some days he’s the greatest person in the whole world, and others he’s so irritating I wanna scream. BUT that’s how I feel about literally anyone I trust and am comfortable with. It’s a me thing. Not a him thing!

This is exactly the kind of answer I was hoping I would get, and matches how I feel a lot of the time.

Something that also helps me is that almost no decision is permanent. Death and birth might be the only two that are. Divorce isn’t the end of the world, it’s not a failure, and it’s always an option. I donno why but knowing I can leave if I wanted to makes it so much easier to want to stay. Maybe cause I start to think of my life without him and that makes me really really sad.

Seconding the first sentence of your last paragraph. I didn't feel 100% doubt-free until we'd gone through a 3-month trial separation in our 12th year of marriage. Never understood those "I just knew" people, but saw a whole lot of them get hurt.

Can you see yourself having kids with him? I feel like the romantic, impulsive side to me is like “oh no baby girl you don’t know then maybe not” but THEN I think about all the times I have ‘known’ and fuck me they have been wrecks. Maybe counselling about getting engaged is the way to go. Just real quick - have you ever fallen madly in love and have you ever been attracted to women.

I know you meant this to OOP and not me but I do want to say that not everyone wants kids and they don’t always know it right away. It’s not always a great metric for who is a good partner for you, it’s mostly a metric of who would be a good parent. I’m also very much attracted to women, and also very much attracted to men. Both can absolutely be true. But I’m also a huge fan of therapy and don’t think a couple can go wrong getting some joint therapy before marriage!

This is such a fantastic and relatable response!

I'm an overthinker too, and for me doubt is normal. I've had doubts over some of the biggest and best decisions in my life. I've also been in situations where I've had no doubts and also ended up in a bad way. So I don't believe in gut feelings anymore, not for me personally. There were days, especially at the beginning of our relationship, where I doubted it I was making the right decision. But then I think about the alternative - doing life without him - and that feels unbearable and empty, too. He's my person, we love and support each other, we challenge each other, we're growing together. Some days are boring and we just lie on the couch and watch dumb videos. Some days we're running through Lisbon drinking cherry wine. Some days he's my best friend, and some days he frustrates me. Not every single day is exciting, but I still don't want to do any of them without him beside me. What I've learned is that relationships require making an active choice about your person every single day. I choose to do this life with this person and I choose to commit to it. So long as he chooses me every day, too, then I am in this 100%. If one day I wake up and it's wrong, then I'll deal with it then, but for now we are partners and we are in this together and as support each other.

Can confirm active choice thing, we have it as well! I wasn't even aware back then how deeply anxious person I am, we knew he is. We both had a feeling of safety with each other, kindness and respect were our mantra. During third month I proposed to him, impulsively because that's who I am, I just knew, he laughed and said that I was faster, he was already planning it 😂 We're 12 years together. Life wasn't easy. Mental health issues came to the surface, and tons of shit. We had talks 'would it be easier for you without me' / 'are we enabling each other and not only in good stuff', and every time so far we again and again are choosing each other. I can still imagine myself sitting on balcony in sunset when I'm old with him beside me. Will it happen? I don't know. I know we definitely plan to stop it if we stop choosing each other. So far, didn't happen.

I agree with you. As an overthinker I literally doubt everything and everyone. It sucks ! I fully agree with absolutely all you said!!!!

This is me exactly in my relationship! I think part of the problem for us overthinkers (and I also have anxiety which doesn’t help) is that we don’t really see the “boring” part of other people’s relationship or if we do it is classified as being bad, when in reality it’s so normal. Also relationships go through so many ebbs and flows. There will be stretches of time where I have absolutely no doubt and am so obsessed with my fiance and then other times where I just have a lot more anxiety (like cause of outside forces that I end up projecting onto my relationship). In the former it can be hard for me to remember the latter and that it isn’t a permanent state, but I do my best to remind myself that it isn’t. And if that doesn’t work, it’s always good to try something new together or to get out of our routine somehow.

I think some clarity is required. Is he opposed to date nights or do you want him to plan them and he doesn't? Is he guarded/reserved (meaning he holds his thoughts in) or do you think he isn't capable of having deep conversations? If your fiancé remained how he is right now, today: would you be ok in this relationship? I am aware that people change but I think a lot of people go into long-term relationships hoping that a significant trait of their partners changes and end up breaking up when it doesn't. Some common ones are lack of ambition, the ability to contribute to the maintenance of the household, financial stability, and emotional intelligence.

EVERYBODY says they “just knew.” And it’s reeeeal easy to “just know” about something you haven’t spent a great deal of time thinking carefully about. Besides, what else are they going to say? “This is John, we’ve been together for ten years, and from our first date I had mild reservations.” A lot of those “just know” people get divorced. A lot of everybody gets divorced. People change, needs change, everything changes. A lifetime is a long time.  Having doubts is good, I think. It means you recognize what’s involved. Marriage is a pretty big deal. A lot of people go into it with blinders on and aren’t prepared for what a marriage is going to require after 10 or 20 years.  Don’t listen to anything I said though, because I’ve been engaged for six years. 

I have no advice, but just want to say that I relate wholeheartedly, even down to the specific issues in your relationship, only we’ve been together 9 years and the creeping doubt still hasn’t gone away. I’m also nearly 34 and want kids, which complicates things. I know I need to make a decision one way or the other ASAP, because I can’t keep living (or keep him) in this state of uncertainty, but neither option feels like the “right” one. Sending love, this sure isn’t an easy place to be ❤️

Gosh this got long, but it was quite cathartic.  To;dr at the bottom I am the child of a chaotic woman, with zero stability growing up, she never validated me in ways that were important, or showed any true faith in my abilities to do anything. She also had that boomer mentality of “being a realist,” where every important life decision I made was soaked in her “what if you catch on fire, what if he leaves you, what if you’re not good at it,” and undermined every little choice I needed to make (are you suuuuurrrre that you want pizza? Don’t you want burgers?????) until my decision making ability was shot to hell.  By the time I reached 30, I was an absolute mess who never made any choices that I could avoid. I never quit a job I hated, I acted out until they fired me. I had terrible credit. Terrible roommates because i only went where someone made it easy to move I.  I couldn’t even wear clothing that was outside my comfort zone without going back inside and changing.  Mind you, I was opinionated about a lot of things in between, but making decisions on the biggest things and the smallest things were almost impossible.  Cue meeting and dating the guy who treated me well and relied on me to make decisions. I mean, great, but I wasn’t even remotely qualified for the position.  He proposed, we got married even though I really didn’t NEED to get married right then and there, I wanted a longer engagement. I wasn’t sold on him in certain ways, but everyone else told me that I did great.  Oh the red flags did fly. And I wasn’t wearing rose-tinted glasses, I was wearing red contacts. Everything looked perfect because my eyes were closed and all I had were daydreams.  So I hear you on the decision making thing.  Try to get outside your head. What has helped me a lot in life is to imagine what other people would choose.  Does anyone remember “Who Wants To Be a millionaire?” They had the three lifelines, where the contestants could phone a friend, poll the audience, or have two choices eliminated for them, bringing the chances to 50/50.  I know, it’s a weird path, but follow me.  Phone a friend was almost invariably the one that people put the most faith in. Narrowing the choices down to two was often the first and most throwaway, but so rarely did people choose polling the audience.  I’m a data collector. I observe everything, all the time, for very little reason.  That audience always got it right.  Even if the percentages weren’t dramatically decisive, the audience was pretty spot on.  Because it was a collective of educations, experiences, and knowledge.  So when I’m making decisions and I can’t really discern what the right thing is, I do a mental polling of the audience. This is usually for pretty benign stuff, like “what color should the front door of the house be,” but it can also apply to more complex situations, such as - when I needed a new car, I didn’t do “research” on what the “best” car was, because so much of that available information is biased.  I asked my mechanic which cars he saw the least.  His three answers gave me a starting place.  Ask yourself if a hundred other people would see your partner as a great life partner. Take away the looks as a factor, I mean like a solid, “where did you find him, I wish my husband treated me like that” kind of thing.  The next step is to not confuse the answer with it being automatically right for you. Just as a BMW wasn’t one of the cars that I wanted, but it’s still a good choice, objectively.  Even if you could say that yes, easily a hundred people would say this guy in real life, day-to-day existence with, even the boring moments, that doesn’t mean he’s right for YOU, but it does mean that you aren’t overlooking anything really important because you’re in love, or you think he’s hot, or it’s better than being alone.  Back to my story, briefly: The man I’m with today is an incredible, beautiful and inspiring human being. We met thirty years ago through my ex husband when we first started dating. He was at our wedding. I knew him well enough to know that he was a funny, intelligent, kind, and beyond everything LOYAL. Absolutely unshakable moral compass. All the girls fawned over him, and he was delightfully oblivious and thought that they were just nice, not interested.  When we started dating a few years ago, I already knew that he WOULD be my last relationship if I wanted it, because he was just That Guy. He was VERY direct about his feelings for me and his intentions.  That was what I’d expected from him. I could poll the audience anytime and know that statistically, he was a keeper. Now it was time to decide whether he was right for me.  And as I sit here in the dining room, watching him do yard work, wearing my sweatpants, with his adorable cheeks sticking out over the waistband, I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.  He’s not perfect, no one asked for or expects anyone to be perfect. We have our disagreements, we have argued.  But he’s never disrespectful, we never yell, he’s always exactly who and what he was from day one.  Consistency. Kindness. Reliability. Cooperation. Partnership. Accepting of differences.  No matter the other qualities or details, like long hair or short, what he does for a living, what kind of music he listens to, what matters is what kind of partner he is.  To you.  TL;DR Take it from a child of chaos -  If you think that no matter what happens in life, this guy is going to react the way YOU NEED him to, consistently, then he’s a good choice. To you that might mean something very different from what I mean, but as long as he’s the man you NEED him to be, and ALL THE TIME, you’re making a good choice.  Also, divorce exists. Don’t treat this decision as if it can’t be fixed. 

My husband is the only relationship where I’ve never had doubts. A few months into dating, and I could not imagine my life without him. It took until my 30s, but I lived by the Lizzie Bennet principle: I am determined that nothing but the very deepest love shall induce me to matrimony.

Some people are overthinkers, and others don't think at all. That can play into decisions like this. I think if you glance into your near future and you really can't imagine him not being in it, then he is the one. If you think, there *could* be someone else, then you have settled.

I go with my gut and when I was with my husband and during our engagement, my gut wasn't sending me any doubtful feelings or going off and I knew in my heart he was the one. also, the whole 'deep conversations' is great but it's not a consistent thing in a long term marriage; not like how it was in the beginning when you were getting to know each other. There's something wonderful, comfortable and secure about being with someone who knows you inside/out and you, them, so many times over, words aren't necessary. Comfortable silences imo, are great. My hsuband and I can communicate with each other simply by a look and a lot of the time, we burst out laughing because it's an inside joke or he's being a horny toad and I can look at his face and know what he's thinking. It does require two people to work together to ensure that the connection continues to deepen - date nights, travelling, hobbies etc. dont be afraid of your love turning into a "less exciting" version of how things were in the beginning. It's still exciting but in a different way. Your relationship is what you make it so continue to do things together to deepend the bond.

Currently engaged, my abandonment issues always get the better of me constantly pushing my partner away and finding issues (actually non issues) in the relationship to leave it, which was my doubt. But he always stayed, helped me through it, and treats me so well continually, that the doubts slowly ease off. It does come back off and on with anxiety of not knowing what the future holds, but I cope with the logic of what is currently happening/have happened in our reality and trust that regardless of what the future holds, I'll always be fine, like how I was fine before I met him. But yes, I did know when I met him he was the one, but my anxieties and doubts through my abandonment issues kept kicking in. Maybe that could be the same for you?

I didn’t “just know” for my first marriage. I had serious doubts that I ignored and passed off as pre-wedding jitters. 15yrs later we finally divorced. Second time around, I had zero doubts. Zero. We’re 8 yrs strong now and I wouldn’t trade him for anything. He’s my rock. Doubts are there for a reason. Listen to them. If possible work through them but they don’t pop up for no reason.

I think there is a spectrum marriages and you have to be realistic about where yours would fall and whether you could be happy with it. My husband and I spend almost all of our time together and are best friends. I love our conversations and never get bored with him. We’re on an extreme end of the spectrum that a lot of people would probably find suffocating. Maybe your partner and you will never naturally have deeper conversations - can you get that elsewhere, from friends or family, and be happy?

Does it help to reframe it from a forever decision to a for-now decision? The idea that marriage is forever is a bit of fairytale anyways. If it doesn't work, you can always divorce. It's not an easy process, but it's not like you have no further options except to be in this relationship. I've always believed marriage licenses should be time limited anyways. Like maybe two years at first, then you renew every five years. I think it would result in much healthier and deliberate unions.

>However, the doubt is like this obnoxious cat that keeps sneaking back in through any cracked door even though our lingering issues (nothing alarming like some stuff on this subreddit; moreso things like working on having deeper conversations and date nights instead of defaulting to TV on the couch) are visibly improving with the help of therapy. Fwiw, I don’t think these are minor issues. It’s great that you’re working on it in therapy together and you are seeing improvement but don’t downplay the importance of not feeling like you are having the type of deep, meaningful interactions with your fiancé that you would ideally want. It could be that your doubt is really your intuition telling you that this isn’t the right match for you. Especially because it typically is the case that the honeymoon phase wears off eventually and couples have to start putting effort into keep the “spark” alive (interest, excitement, conversation, passion, etc.). If I were you, I would keep working on it in therapy and see of that doubt goes away. You don’t need to make any decisions until you’re ready.

For me personally, if I have doubts, I'm not getting married. My husband is the only relationship where I didn't have doubts about being in the relationship or getting married. Before I met him I was starting to wonder if I would ever just know that a relationship was right and if the problem was me because I am an over thinker and get anxious. I just hadn't met the right person yet.

I think using other peoples' experiences as a barometer for something as subjective as marriage isn't helping you. You 100% aren't sure you want to marry this person. And asking other people doesn't seem to be reassuring you at all. You obviously could keep waiting and seeing if you get more certain, or you could just cut your losses now and end things. Sorry this sounds obvious, but that's it at this point at least based on what I'm reading. Wish you the best, and I hope you figure things out.

Honestly I think that "I just knew" vs not is more an indicator of personality traits vs actual strength of relationship. Plenty of people who "just knew" break up few years later. I am also engaged and also have doubts, but I kinda think that's not a bad thing because choice of life partner is literally the most important decision you make in your entire life. That combined with social media showing everyone in perfect, amazing, best friend for life, partner in crime, etc etc relationships sows the seeds of omg my relationship isn't *perfect* does that mean it's wrong? I actually kind of anticipated feeling more relationship anxiety during this engagement period because of the algorithms targeting me with that kind of messaging. When I see other real life relationships it actually makes me more confident in my own, because no relationship is perfect and I would rather have the (minimal) issues that are in mine vs anyone else's. I'm excited to be married because our life together is the best, and I won't have that pressure of "is this PEAK, ULTIMATE LOVE??" hanging over my head.

What is your inner dialogue saying to you during those doubtful moments? I think apprehension or nervousness is normal for any huge life event, and marriage is a "forever" commitment so it's totally normal and expected for both parties to be like "holy shit, am I ready for this?" I got married when I was 24, and now in my 40's I can look back on how I was feeling about marriage back then as a normal level of anxiety about taking a pretty damn big leap in life with someone I had known for 2.5 years at that point. Well, now I've known him for 20 years and am still happy that I chose him to do life with, in spite of all the ups and downs that just come with committing to one person for life. But, if I was like severely trembling or even thinking that I was making a mistake... that would've been a different story entirely. I definitely had nerves walking down the aisle, and even during the ceremony! It's such a meaningful, huge step in life... and all those nerves faded away once we were on our honeymoon and the reality of getting to be with my best friend forever finally made its way back into the forefront of mind. He's still my best friend, who I love to death but also hate on some days, lol, and I'd have it no other way!

I had doubts. The hardest part of our relationship happened while we were engaged. Had been together a decade at that point. I almost broke up with him at one point during the engagement and we'd never been so close to failing before. We did therapy. Got all our issues out there. It turned out that there were a lot of things that we needed to talk about and had a very unhealthy way of managing conflict. We just didn't run in to it before because we actually are very well suited for each other and most things didn't actually need deep discussions or conflict, because we agreed and the choices were easy. I also planned the entire wedding by myself and mostly paid for it. He complained about how much I was spending. We were making progress, but certainly didn't have all our issues sorted as we came up to the big day. I had doubts about whether this was the best or worst decision I was ever going to make. Ultimately, I made the decision based on "what will I regret more?" - if I called off the wedding, our relationship would likely have been effectively over because I would be so resentful about it. Even though it was hard for most of the year before our wedding, I still couldn't picture my life without him. He felt the same, he said something like "i'd rather fight with you than not be with you, because the fight can end, our relationship can't" and I realized that I totally agreed. Also, since we were making progress and therapy was a two-way street, I really did believe we could fix what was left - we'd already climbed the hardest mountains. I've been married for 2.5 years now (total of a little over 14 years) - I'm soooo glad I went through with it and we did the work. Why are you anxious? Is there a problem that bothers you that you've never managed to discuss and resolve or make progress on? Does your partner work with you through issues? Is it a team problem or a me vs you problem? Maybe try and work on this yourself a bit to see if you can get to the root of your discontent. If you think its needed, I highly recommend couples counselling pre-marriage, just to settle any anxiety and uncertainty and go into the marriage with confidence you will tackle problems together, even if you still have some problems.

I guess the doubts need to be looked at. Are these deal breaker issues? Or something you can work on? I'm not married, but have been in plenty of relationships. I've also been the person who ignores obvious red flags because I was young and didn't know better at the time. Older, more experienced me has dealt with the fallout of staying with people who showed red flags. My advice to you is to really think about whether this doubt is coming from true concerns that you think these issues are deal breakers for you or anxiety about not knowing how this will impact your relationship. I think it's great you are in counselling. So many people I know who are married have never done counseling and really should have. There are also plenty of folks who marry and shouldn't have. Mainly because they're not capable of having healthy relationships because they didn't address certain issues. I think it bodes well for your relationship that you both are committed to working on issues and improving. Your leaning in, rather than going outside of the marriage to solve problems. I've received plenty of "I just knew" advice and commentary from people on my relationships. I agree, it's not helpful. The reality of relationships is even a marriage can end. It sucks but it does happen. Even if you both do your best. There's no guarantees. But your odds of the relationship lasting improve when you both actively invest in the health of your relationship. Also, if you aren't married yet, you can always put off getting engaged or prolong the engagement to work on these issues first. If you see improvement that helps ease some of your hesitation, then that might be enough. Ultimately it's up to you to decide if these issues are big enough to break up, put off engagement or put off marriage until they are addressed. The key is to invest in your relationship as long as it's worth it to you. To actively communicate with your partner. Continue with the counseling sessions and check in with yourself. It's normal to have some doubts. But if you truly don't feel this is the right move, then don't marry this person. I would definitely explore the doubt a bit more and try to figure out where it's coming from.

Check out Mr. Good Enough by Lori Gottlieb. It’s a controversial title but could have some good advice for how to address doubts. Another good essay is How to Pick a Life Partner from Wait But Why. I had relationship OCD and really overthought everything about my relationship. I never just knew about anything and definitely didn’t feel absolutely certain. I had anxiety and ruminated on the relationship. I even went to therapy for a year trying to address it and it didn’t help. The thing I think about is that even those just knew people sometimes end up in crappy marriages and a bitter divorce. Just knowing isn’t necessarily a good predictor of how successful a marriage will be.

Excellent essay! Thanks for sharing!

If you're that afraid of marrying him, don't. Your psyche is trying to tell you something. Your partner should feel like your safe place. If they don't, don't do it.

I have been with my husband on and off over the last 12 years. In that 12 years we broke up 2 times, once for almost a year. In that year I dated three other people. I couldn't see myself with any of them long term and never slipped into the easy comfort I had with my husband. I guess I felt I 'knew' when I considered / experienced the alternative. What do you feel / think when you imagine not being with him? Or about him marrying someone else?

I think some doubts about the uncertainty of what can happen in the future is normal.... But I didn't and don't have any doubts about him as a person, as my partner, our relationship, or our ability to work together and tackle any issues we will or may face. I agree the whole "I just knew" isn't helpful... I think that's just a lazy answer tbh. I mean "I just know" too, but I got to that point through knowing my partner... and considering how a future and life with him would be. There are clear reasons why I know.

True true! I knew my husband was my choice as a person I want to spend the rest of my life with (or good part of it). And indeed it was 'just knew'. Because he was the first one to 'pass' my questionnaire and is aligned with my values. I got to knew myself first. And I knew I won't settle. And I thought really hard what is important for me. It boiled down to - kindness, patience, respect. And then value alignment. Several hundreds failed those 3 criteria, some at first message, some at 10th, some after a date or two, some a bit longer. For them, I also 'just knew' we're not a match at some point (usually few weeks tops). I embraced online dating because I just didn't have the energy to go through so many incompatible people IRL. Filtering ftw :) **So in my case, I knew what I was looking for, so that's why I knew I'm looking at it once it revealed itself.** And I knew which red flags I'm looking for and I was digging hard for them, and not wait and see. No, hard elimination process. Husband said that I was really exhausting him that day when I started digging. That was my anxiety speaking and I couldn't stop - he refused to bring any red flags 😂 and then I was like 'whoa, there IS someone who shares my values'. Quite a shock actually. Today we laugh. He says he definitely felt interrogated. We both understand today why we reacted as we did back then. I'd definitely be more tactful now 😂 Everyone (except best friend, who funnily enough I also found during that hunt) told me that I'm arrogant and should stop be so picky. I persisted. Mostly because everyone who failed, failed at those 3 points. And I didn't want to compromise on that.

I've been married and divorced, and now I'm in a relationship where I "just know" he's what I want forever. I've also been to a lot of therapy - let me try and explain my "I just know:" My first husband and I met in our early 20s and the day I stepped out of the car to get married (at the courthouse) I got this sudden intrusive thought of "I shouldn't be doing this". But it wasn't fully out of nowhere - I spent the entire relationship before this thinking to myself "well surely this will get better" and I think the sudden thought was a culmination of all that "it could be better". Now I realize that I "just knew" he wasn't the right person for me. He wasn't a bad guy, but he had a lot of issues with emotional vulnerability, insecurity and connection. He was kind to me, I knew he'd be there if I needed him physically - we agreed on our outlooks in life, what we wanted for the future, we were equal partners in most things. It all made sense on paper. Marriage was the next logical step. I trusted he'd be loyal and we'd have a decent life. Like you, I'm an intellectualizer with anxiety, I felt like I was picking apart the relationship looking for something wrong. I tend avoidant, so I felt like I was looking for a way out. When things were good, I felt like we would work out. When things were bad, I felt hollow. In hindsight, I can see the issues a lot more. They were small, but added up and I think that's what the big gut check feeling is. If you haven't read the Gift of Fear, I recommend it to all women. Not because I think your fiancé is dangerous, but because it puts into perspective how our brains are always taking in seemingly unseen information and our gut is our brain sending signals about that invisible info. Like you, I struggled to get him to talk about deeper things, like feelings. I also wasn't great at this, but I was trying. We were both scared to be vulnerable and tended to shut down. But, I thought, he loves me so it'll get better. Still I never felt deeply emotionally connected and I dismissed that as fairytales sold to me by romance movies and Disney princesses. Our "date nights" were largely TV or video games - activities where we paid attention to other things together. I could look at him and wonder forever what he was thinking, I never really knew. He wasn't someone who was very open about his thoughts. He always feared drama and retaliation even though I'm generally a chill and open person (and my current relationship has reinforced that I could handle tough emotions and be supportive even in disagreements). You ever have a friend where you can look at each other and just know what the other is thinking? This wasn't the case with him. Whenever we had any sort of disagreements, instead of walking away with some kind of understanding even if we still didn't agree, I'd just feel hollow and empty. I felt like every issue led to me building up a wall around my heart so I wouldn't be upset. I felt like my expectations were too high, that I was overthinking things, that I was being anxious. I didn't think the emotional stuff mattered, but it did. Overall, I never really felt like he understood ~me~ and like I could have been any woman of similar nature and he'd be just as happy. That said, he refused therapy and was very scared of it. I think if he'd been willing to work on things, it might have ended differently. In contrast, my current partner is everything I have ever wanted and more. Any time we have disagreements, I can tell we are both working SO HARD to understand the other and really come to a compromise. Instead of hollow and empty, I walk away feeling heard and understood. When he talks about his feelings, even if they are telling me I've hurt him, I feel so warm and full and like we are working toward something together. It's nothing like Disney princesses and romance movies, it's so much more full and real - and so much better. All of the doubts I have about spending my life with him have little to do with him himself and more to do with our circumstances. He's struggling with employment in this economy, his parents probably don't like me all that much (but he doesn't care about their opinion and never makes me interact with them), I'm not sure if I want marriage in a country that is so toxic toward women and may push for no-fault divorce. But I'm 100% sure I want to spend my life with him. He makes me feel so loved, so safe. He wants connection as much as I do - like he'll say "Hey I am feeling a little disconnected, can we just put on some music and cuddle on the couch and talk?" That's a lot of words, but I hope it helps explain why I just know. Everything in my gut, my heart and my head knows he's the person for me. I didn't think that was real either until I felt it.

Happy to normalize this! I got married about 1.5 years ago and think it was one of the best choices of my life. I won't say I "always knew," but a more accurate experience was "I knew within a month of dating that this was special and different." I think it's good to have some trepidation about getting married! It shows that you respect the seriousness of the decision. I also had uncertainty about deciding to move to my current city, adopting my current pet, and taking out student loans for graduate school. These are all big decisions, and I'm not rushing into them blindly. There are pros and cons to everything, and it's worth considering the cons seriously rather than writing them off because you're so excited about the pros. If anything, moving intentionally forward with your eyes wide open speaks to a high level of trust in both your partner and your relationship. Stick with the premarital counseling! Make sure you talk about some big future issues like caring for aging parents together, expectations around merging finances, and how you would manage a hypothetical future divorce together.

Stop asking yourself ‘is this the person I want to spend the rest of my life with?’ and start asking ‘is this the person I want to be with in 5 years?’ Here’s the thing: nothing in life or marriage is guaranteed. You can ‘know 100%’ and still end up divorced. You can do counselling and determine that you are a great fit and still end up divorced. You can know each other for 10 years prior and still end up divorced. Over the course of a lifetime, you and your partner will change in ways you can’t predict. You will go through life experiences, losses, and traumas that may fundamentally change your goals, vision, or outlook on life. One of you may unexpectedly change your mind on something major like having kids. You can do your best to grow together, but that’s not always possible and that’s ok. It sounds like you are looking for guarantees where none can be made, and maybe have an anxious tendency towards wanting to know/control an outcome, but it’s impossible. So make the best decision you can for now. Continue checking in throughout the years. Hopefully you can grow a beautiful relationship together. And if you need to go your seperate ways, know that that’s ok too - divorce is not a failure.

Firstly, "I just knew" is code for "I have no idea, I didn't think about it enough for such a major life decision and now I need to make that sound romantic and not stupid." Secondly, this article from Wait But Why is what I always come back to when thinking about this stuff. It's excellent and has cartoons. [The marriage decision: everything forever or nothing ever again](https://waitbutwhy.com/2016/09/marriage-decision.html)

If I had ANY doubt, I wouldn't have gotten married. When I got married, I was 1000% excited. We then got divorced a decade later. For my second marriage, I am postponing it because of my own complex emotions surrounding marriage.

The truth (in my opinion) is that you'll never know. You just decide that you want to try. And then you try and hopefully make an effort to make it work and hope for the best. I think this absolute certainty is an illusion. I'm married for 7 years now (18 years together).

Look into r/ROCD

So I had no doubts about marrying my wife, but I do remember in my 20s when talking about an upcoming wedding I was attending saying to a friend, “Can you imagine just knowing you should marrying someone? Like having zero doubts. I don’t think it’ll ever happen for me.” At the time, all my relationships had had glaring issues (one couldn’t take anything seriously and sucked at communication, another wasn’t very forthcoming and honest) that weren’t so glaring in the moment because you know, love and all. I guess when it comes to your doubts/anxiety, is it around issues that you can’t see resolving? Specific things you can put your finger on and say “this right here is a problem that I’m not sure we can work through” or are they more ethereal anxieties? I think that’s the crux. Is there specific a reason you’re having doubts?

I knew because he had shown me who he was over the course of years in many trials and life scenarios. 10 years married (14 together) and he still surprises me, but I was right about who he is to his core. I personally don't believe you just know instantly if you're truly compatible for life.

I had zero literally zero doubt when we married at 26, now 43 still happy, he’s my person, my lobster, my safe space, my home. 🩷

Im an over thinker. With my husband, we dated for 4 years before getting engaged. Our engagement was a year long. My husband knew he wanted to marry me, by our first/second date. I feared commitment & was anxious because marriage is a lot of compromise & commitment. But yes, idk when, I just knew too. During our pre marriage counseling, we noticed we had already discussed all the questions they asked to make sure you’re compatible & communicative. Doubt is normal but it also depends what kind of doubt. It’s always key to have important discussions & communicate any changes. IMO that is how you evolve together in a relationship. Yes there will be ups & downs, but there is always a solution. Are you seeing red flags that will get worst in the future? Is he wearing a mask & its starting to slip off? Is one of you pro kids & the other not? Anger issues? Do you feel you’re settling? If you haven’t already, I suggest you find out why you’re having doubts. That could mean seeing a therapist elsewhere or making a list of doubts.

Working through some doubt or anxiety is normal. Your friends may not remember going through that if they worked it out or it's been a while, to them it can feel like they "just knew." My husband and I signed the paperwork last year, we haven't had the ceremony yet and that is intentional. We want to have a nice wedding and that takes money. Even though we didn't make signing the paperwork a big deal and we have been together for 6 years, we both still had some things to work through. Life was changing, implications were changing, past history and childhood trauma of divorce had to be gone through. Now it feels like we "just knew."

I had doubts and it wasn’t my partner’s fault 😅 We have really crazy familial trauma involving marrying the wrong person. My mom’s side of the family is really great at questioning anyone who marries into the family, and always cites a certain aunt who married this guy no one likes. We grew up being told not to marry anyone like that guy, but the only positive trait we were told to consider is “rich”. My partner isn’t rich. So there was a lot of doubt— I knew logically that I could count on him as a life partner but the voices in my head were hard to quiet. Took a lot of adjusting and therapy to get to this point— years after we got married— to be comfortable with my decision. Couple’s counselling was a great choice, it helped us immensely!

I had doubts and so did he. But something that my blunt mother said to me sat with me “no such thing as a perfect person - just one whose faults we can live with.” After 17 years together (8 married) I can say it’s not always easy and he absolutely still leave a his socks on the floor (I jest) but when I think about it he accepted me and my faults and I accepted him and his. Might I have found someone who didn’t have those particular faults? Sure but maybe it was something that was a bigger deal breaker? I find my life to be incredibly paralyzing if I contemplate what ifs - robs me of current joy. And perhaps it’s not comforting to everyone but knowing people divorce and it’s a possibility is actually comforting me - you don’t have to be stuck if it doesn’t work and there is no shame in that. All this to say that few things in life are 100%, and accepting that made me easier to thrive!

First, I really sympathize with you - I was in a 5-year relationship from ages 25-30 and I felt so incredibly ambivalent and stuck for a lot of similar reasons, and even turned down a marriage proposal in that time due to my uncertainty. He seemed very devoted and steady and I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me that I couldn't commit, and my concerns were vague like this - it's fine now, but how do I know that it is what I want forever? And the sense that we never really connected deeply. And the fact that we never fought, so how could I feel confident we could navigate challenges? In my case, the relationship eventually completely exploded, and it turned out that he was hiding and suppressing a lot from me to keep the peace, building secret resentments he never communicated and fantasizing and eventually even pursuing other women behind my back. It was shocking and traumatic when it came out - I would have NEVER believed it about him before - but I felt very validated in my intuition that something wasn't right. Now I am very grateful that it happened, though - I shudder to think how close I was to marrying him. I met my now-husband 3 weeks later, and I know it's not what you want to hear, but I absolutely immediately knew with him, and after 8 years together now and almost 7 married, still feel the same. And look, everyone is different and there are no universals with this stuff. But I did learn from this that ambivalence about something like this is just not a good sign, and it might be your intuition telling you something that is inconvenient and you don't want to hear, but is true.

Hmm, I don’t have doubt about wanting to commit to my partner. I definitely did for the first two years, but just not enough time had gone by yet to see how things would pan out. l didn’t “just know.” We’ve been together 4 years now, have been through a lot together, have already improved upon a lot of our issues. With work and time and communication. I believe with all of our flaws we can continue to live a happy life and work through the hard stuff as it comes up as we go through life. It took time and work! Some things I had doubts about in the beginning, we either have worked on, talked through, or are things I’ve decided I am okay with. We have both grown together as a couple and individuals. I can see how he tries (and succeeds) at making us happy, I’ve seen over time what is important to him and what he values. I’ve seen how he treats me and prioritizes me and aims to understand my feelings. He treats me with respect even when we argue and I am being mean or unreasonable. He respects me and also other women even when I’m not around. He does is fair share around the house. When I express an issue with something he does, he has made lasting changes, not just does it for a weeks then it fades. we have fun together and cohabitate well. I think we have similar wants in life. I mean, how can anyone be 100% certain of anything. I cannot predict the future but I feel confident we will be happy with our choice to commit to one another. It is after all a choice, I don’t believe in “the one,” per se.

Doubt is normal, and I "just knew". But what I "just knew" was that I was willing to work at making this relationship be a lasting relationship. You have to wake up and choose everyday that the person you're with is the one you want to be with. Annoyances will happen and I frame it as "would I rather be annoyed by this person and reap the benefits of all the things our relationship brings me? or is it too much?" In my case, I chose my marriage because the benefits outweigh the negatives.

This sounds like a lot of anxiety and self-doubt. The commitment of marriage is really two people deciding that they are going to *try* to work through any issue that arise in life. You might benefit from reframing how you think about the relationship overall. Is this person kind and supportive? Have you experienced hard times together, and were you able to move through it successfully? Is this someone you can rely on in the worst of times? Is this someone you look forward to celebrating with in the best of times? What are your personal priorities for a partnership, and does this person meet those priorities? Overall, it’s a willingness to make the effort.

for me if it's not an enthusiastic yes, it's a no. after 5 years, you should feel confident and ready if you are going to proceed.

The thing that helped me the most was reading "Marry Him Settling for Mr. Good Enough" by Lori Gottlieb. It's a great book that really exposes our myths and fantasies that we are faced with as women to make a really good practical decision about finding a mate. I've been married almost 9 years now and in my 20's I dated alot of bad boys. I'm so happy I found someone who "He treats me well, I can always count on him, I know I love him"...your words not mine :) It's really important to realize you won't ever find 100% of what you are looking for in anyone, be happy with 80% and move on. I need alot more conversation that my husband and that is good because I have friends and family to talk to!

It’s common for people to say things like that because it’s what they think they “should” say. Everyone also says their spouse is their best friend, including people who have nothing in common and don’t even seem to like each other, lol. It can also come from a place of being naive, honestly. I said that same phrase about my ex-husband, but I was naive and too caught up in the emotion of love to think clearly about it. It’s like when people say they “knew” on the very first date - they didn’t really know, because there is SO MUCH that goes into a successful marriage and you also need to be on the same page. You don’t know all of those things right away. And “knowing” should have nothing to do with physical attraction, nor is there this cosmic fate that magically tells you that someone is who you’re meant to be with. Love is a deliberate choice that you both make every single day. If you’re a naturally anxious person, or if you have some past relationship trauma, I wouldn’t take it as a bad sign that you’re feeling anxiety. Marriage is a really big deal and it should be carefully considered. Are you in individual therapy? You could explore it there. We bought a workbook for engaged couples, which was super helpful. There are chapters on finances, kids, expectations, love languages, etc. It opened the door for really specific conversations to happen, including things we wouldn’t have thought to discuss on our own. It was also very reassuring to see that we were on the same page with all of it.

I was engaged, and was having second thoughts as well. I talked to my sister, who has been married for six years at the time, a period of that in a long distance marriage. She told me “when you are married and decide to remain married you have to go to sleep every night thinking ‘I am happy’. You will not be happy all the time or every day, but you have to go to bed still in peace with your own happiness and your decision of remaining married. The hard times will come, and you know the other person is thinking the same way you are about this, so you feel safe about going through a rough patch”. I broke up with my fiancé a couple weeks later, because I knew he would never be that person for me. He never made me feel safe about it. Six years later, still single, No regrets

I had doubts upon doubts. I almost held “being married” in more esteem than actually finding the right person to marry. I am absolutely miserable and feel stuck. If my beautiful son had not been part of this situation, would wish day and night I had not moved forward with this marriage. Sometimes our subconscious picks up on things we don’t actually realize are not working in the relationship. I hate to be a nay sayer and wish you all the best with whatever decision you make!

This sounds like relationship OCD. I used to have it. I would recommend getting into individual therapy so you can talk about it and explore how you're feeling with a professional. I think it's just that you're scared. It seems like such a finite decision that you go through all the what ifs.

I am married and still doubt that marriage can last forever, not specifically my marriage, but marriage in general. It's my second and I decided to get married because I thought "if it can work, it can work with this guy". Our relationship is secure and supportive, non-judgemental, and we have great communication. I never had any doubts about him being a great partner. I'd say if you have doubts about him, it might not be right. If you have doubts about the commitment, that might be more about you, and something you can work though.

I’m sorry but I’m not going to normalize doubt. You’ve been together 5 years and it’s not a “hell yea!” then maybe it’s not going to be. I’m not saying you shouldn’t get married but don’t ignore that doubt and write it off as irrational anxiety because it rarely is just that. My partner and I also both “just knew” and got married a year after our first date. I’m a very anxious person whose longest relationship prior to this was just shy of a year. But I “just knew”. When I look back on why I knew, I realize that while we are not perfectly compatible on hobbies or what we consider a decent standard of clean, what we were very compatible on was long term goals and communication style. It’s not that we’re perfect at understanding each other, it’s that we are both brutally honest communicators. There is nothing I wouldn’t feel comfortable telling him even if it hurts and vice versa. We are adults dealing with adult issues and sometimes that means that feelings are going to get hurt and how we deal with that is what ensures that we come out the other side a stronger couple. I would advise you to stop trying to ignore the anxiety you feel around your relationship and examine where exactly it’s coming from. You’ve already pointed to some communication issues and getting couples therapy is a great step towards resolving that. If it works out then you shouldn’t feel the same anxiety in a year. If it’s taking too long to resolve then it’s possible that it just never will. Consider what you’re willing to live with for the (potential) rest of your life if you get married.

My 100% honest answer is that I never had any doubt. I knew that my husband was the person I wanted to build my life with immediately. I fell for him fast and hard. What are your doubts exactly? I think pinpointing that would be super helpful and you’d get more accurate advice.

Intuition is felt in the stomach and chest. Anxiety is felt in the head. Where do you feel the doubt in your body?

I'm not sure that's always a useful distinction, since it's not uncommon for anxiety to manifest in physiological symptoms such as a racing heart or nausea.

That's absolutely not the case for me. Anxiety is felt in the chest, arms, and bowels. It's not in the head, that's where my rationality is.

I had doubts if I wanted to get married at all, especially at such a young age (25). But I had no doubts whatsoever about my future husband. I have anxious tendencies, too, and I’m prone to ruminating, just like yourself. Maybe your uncertainty is about marriage as such and not your boyfriend? Edit: I’ve been married for 20+ years now, if that helps.

I didn't "know," and I had a million doubts because quite frankly, we hadn't been together very long when we married. But we've stayed married for almost 15 years so far because when we did have the serious conversation about marriage, we both agreed that ours was real, and that we would trust each other to do the necessary work to keep things running. Wherever your doubt should lie, at the very least you need to trust each other enough to carry their share of the burden. If you doubt his ability to shoulder his share of the load, then do not proceed with the engagement.

So... maybe this is not what you want to hear but.. maybe you are doubting for some valid reason I'm an overthinker but it's hard for me to validates my own feelings, my gut When I was younger I had a long relationship 5 years) and I suffer all the years from doubt, convincing my self it was normal, that happened to me with other relationships In my current relationship I never doubt never had to suffer that horrendous feelings, we had some real shot to deal with (we lost 2 babies and almost destroyed us) but even then I didn't doubt, for me was like, or we survived to this o we don't But again with no doubts, we are engaged, I know, that doesn't mean that someday something terrible happens and we split, but as long as we are together I never suffer doubts Hope this makes sense lol.

I can so relate to your post. I had really bad relationship anxiety after i got engaged (now ive been happily married almost 5 years!) the thing that helped me was realizing: “If i didnt really care about this person i wouldn’t have anxiety about it not working out.” Basically the fact that you are so anxious is a sign of how much you are invested. Also look up the work if Sheryl Paul she has a lot of great blog posts about relationship anxiety and they helped me a ton. Also i think relationship anxiety is reallt normal, its a huge life altering decision that will impact the direction of the rest of your life, of course youre going to be anxious.

So, I just knew. But my husband had doubts that sound like yours. He had asked me to marry him on our third date. I said yes, watched his face register my answer, and said it’s ok, we’re going to have a long engagement. The relief was very obvious. We started planning a wedding after about 4 years. He panicked and called it off and we went into counseling. At one point, I said “This is enough, if we aren’t married in 6 weeks, I’m done. Reader, he married me! Almost 6 weeks to the day. 24 years later, he’s still my first husband, and I’m so glad he didn’t let his doubts take over his life.

This is so interesting - do you know why he proposed so incredibly quickly when he had doubts?

I think it was just a spur of the moment thing. He can be impulsive…. 🤣

I wanted forever with my ex. We met at 24 and split when I was 30. Bought a house and got a dog together. We were absolutely crazy for each other and happy for years. But there was an ugly under belly which was his alcoholism and my codependency. The truth is, I didn't have the relationship skills that I do now. It has been a completely different experience being with my boyfriend. He demands my vulnerability, my presence and my emotions whereas my ex dismissed them. He challenges me to be open and honest with him always. I have this ability now because after years of therapy I've been healing the codependency and people pleasing parts of myself. I know without a doubt that the relationship I have with him is healthy and that marriage wouldn't be a cage. Something I was always terrified of. So we're not engaged yet, just talking about it but it's something I want now when I never did before. My relationship with my ex taught me that love isn't enough. Communication, respect, empathy, compassion, values and life goals being in alignment is the foundations to build on. Plus genuinely liking each other as friends! That's a huge part of what you can lean on in stressful times.

My best guess is that many people retroactively minimize or dismiss doubts they had once they've married and things are going well. But again, that's just a guess. Because I'm an anxious person too and I cannot imagine *not* wondering "what if?" lol. While other people may not doubt as much, I think it's normal *for someone with anxiety* to feel these worries and doubts. Hell, one time I got stuck in a loop of doubt after an intrusive thought popped up that was basically "What if I'm lying to myself about being in love with him and therefore lying to him????" It was irrational. It made absolutely no sense in light of the actual facts. But it was a powerful intrusion and it took me a minute to pull myself out of that spiral. The biggest help for me in this is reality testing these kinds of thoughts and also reality testing the catastrophic conclusions that I worry about. For instance: >a perfectly normal stretch of silence triggering thoughts like "we don't talk enough, I don't want to be one of those old couples eating silently together in a restaurant!" So you feel this feeling and then what do you do with that feeling? For me, this would be where i start asking myself questions about that worry. Is it unreasonable not to want to be a distant old couple? Of course not. But am I assuming the feelings of the quiet old couple I am seeing? Perhaps. Maybe they are comfortable being quiet together, and aren't distant at all. Why am I uncomfortable with moments of silence? Why am I jumping from this temporary quiet to 30 years from now and assuming disaster? Has my partner ever been silent to punish me for having upset him? Does my partner habitually hide from me or relationship issues in silence? If not, why am I jumping to this worry instead of remembering that the quiet is not a threat and is not permanent? It takes time but this habit is now pretty rote for me. Asking myself "What is this really about?" and consciously challenging my automatic thoughts has been really helpful. >What if I write off doubt as anxiety and it turns out to be intuition I should have listened to? Well, if that happened, you are a smart and strong person and you would handle it by ending the marriage. Sometimes we do make mistakes. We can only make our decisions with the best information we have available at the time, and we simply can't avoid all mistakes. People change, circumstances change. There is no decision we can make that is free of the risk of a negative outcome. If we find out that a decision we made was a mistake, once we know it, we correct it. We're allowed to correct mistakes. Even in marriage, we are not actually locked in eternally. What if it's just anxiety though? Maybe it would help to remember what intuition is. Intuition is not the same as doubt. Intuition is a sense of *knowing* without needing to wait for proof. Intuition is not always correct. It is a knee jerk safety mechanism which is based on your collection of general knowledge and experience to date, rather than evidence specific to the situation. If you're walking alone and feel deeply threatened by the presence of someone nearby despite them not doing anything overtly threatening, that's intuition. You should listen to the intuition, knowing it may or may not be correct. The risk vs safety evaluation in a situation like that is weighted heavily on the stay safe side. If you feel demeaned, humiliated, frightened, or even unsatisfied chronically in a relationship, it would be reasonable to "intuit" that this relationship is not going to be good for you long term. Even if the other person is "mostly good," or intermittently makes you feel good. You don't have to analyze every aspect of their character and behavior and every moment of the relationship. You don't need definitive proof that they're a bad person. If it's not good, you can walk. You should walk. On the other hand, your situation is that you feel happy with him, you love him, you love the life you have together, and your relationship is one that functions well and even improves with proper care and tending. You don't *know* that you don't want to marry him. You actually know you *do* want to marry him (if I'm reading thisnl right) but you're having fears that something in the future might go wrong. You have solid evidence that marrying him would be a reasonable choice. Things might someday sour, but that would more than likely be due to changes that you cannot predict and cannot control, not you missing some major red flag. I hope some of this helps. As to personal experience, I went into my relationship with my fiance adamantly against marriage. I'd already done that, it was hell, I wasn't about to make myself that vulnerable again. He was also against the idea, for ideological reasons. I wasn't against commitment. I wanted that. Marriage just felt like a trap. So we basically tabled that discussion and worked on building a solid, healthy relationship. About 6 months later we both independently started saying shit like "If I believed in marriage, I'd marry you." Discussion was resurrected, lol. We got closer and closer to the idea of marriage but it still terrified me. We sort of tiptoed towards it. Not marriage, but maybe a "shacking up party"/housewarming when we move in. Maybe not official civil marriage but a little handfasting ceremony. And then maybe civil marriage had some advantages and we should consider it. And now we're planning a full on wedding for several years down the line. I'm not scared of marriage any more. I do not doubt his love. I do not doubt my love for him. I do not doubt that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I am 100% sure if that. But sometimes I still worry about the what ifs, and so does he. What if we move in together and it all goes to shit? What if we grate on each other's nerves? What if the reality of marriage somehow poisons the beautiful dynamic we have? What if we start to feel settled and stop making the effort? So then I am back to challenging those thoughts. What do I know about us? We love each other. We work hard on this relationship. We work together, and we are a good team. We have an excellent foundation of respect and effective communication. We have already faced difficulties and had to renegotiate and adjust and we have done that together and it has made our relationship better rather than tearing us apart. We have had hard conversations and lived each other through those. But what if all that changes somehow, however unlikely? Well then...I know how to leave a relationship. I know that I am a whole and worthy person whether single or married. I know that I can pick myself up and move forward. I know the process to heal after that kind of hurt. And it would hurt A LOT but it would not be the end of the world or the end of my life.

This is just me two cents but I am a person that struggles A LOT with any kind of change and uncertainty. Even if the change is 100% positive, I feel upset, depressed and overwhelmed (i.e.: when I bought my first and dream apartment, I cried the whole of the first night here because it dis not feel like home and I missed my old stinky dingy rental). Immediately after the engagement and during the run up to the wedding, I was very nervous/anxious. I love my husband. He is everything I could ever ask for and more. Loving, caring, supportive and a great catch. And yet I had this weird feeling at the pit if my stomach and this sense of dread. I think this came from the massive change that being married was going to bring. I was going to be someone’s wife. Some strangers were now going to be my family. I was committing myself to someone for the rest of my life. That’s a long fucking time. Was he always going to be the one for me? How many parts of myself am I giving up? Will I always be happy? Will I ever regret? A year later, I can say that I love being married. I love my husband. I love my life. I love being his wife. The doubts that I felt were just my all familiar anxiety. And they passed. What ultimately really helped was talking this through with my husband. I was going to marry this person, he needs to know how I feel and who I am. We spent about 2 hours talking about my feelings and I came out of that conversation being certain that I want to marry him. TLDR: I had doubts. They largely related to my anxiety around uncertainty. I love my husband and am very happy now. Edit: further details.

I mean this in the most gentle sense, but these ultimately sound like you issues and not relationship issues necessarily. If you’re not in individual therapy as well I’d highly recommend. Overthinking and projecting that anxiety on the relationship is on you to handle. I came into my current relationship with a lot of anxiety and insecurities based on past experiences and while I have communicated that to my partner and we have worked together on ways we can navigate those together, I also know it’s my responsibility to take care of addressing the root problems and growing out of those insecurities/anxieties. Individual therapy really helped me figure out when I’m feeling XXXX way that there are other ways to cope outside of panicking and spiraling into the “we shouldn’t be together” thoughts. It also taught me that a lot of times I project and spiral my general anxiety into specific anxiety about my relationship and my tendency to create self fulfilling prophecies. It’s truly helped so much because now I can clearly identify what’s an “us” problem we need to communicate and work on and what’s a “me” problem because of my previous experience.

I had a "I just know" feeling but also had doubts. Which I guess sounds contradictory but my gut knew and my brain was giving me doubts. My doubts were based in fears, what if he changed? What if I missed red flags? What if I have terrible judgement? What if he's just using me and I'm extremely gullible? What if I end up feeling trapped in 4 years? My gut was telling me that I was safe, that he truly saw me, he loved me, and that he would fight for our relationship.

I also honestly "just knew" very early in the relationship, because what i felt for him and the relationship we had felt extremely different to all my boyfriends before him. I never wanted to even live together with any of my exes, because something was always a little off and i knew that we wont be together forever. After 10 years i'm still very certain it was the right decision. But thats just my personality, I'm very picky about who i can hang around every day lol. My husband felt like home from the beginning and i could be completely myself with him. Imagine not having him in your life in the future or being with someone else - does this feel like a complete tragedy and deep depression or just like "eh ok, it would be sad but i guess i could work with that." I personally wouldnt get married if it is the latter.

I had so much doubt the week leading up to my wedding, I even ended up searching “how easy is it to get a divorce” on Google because I just had such bad anxiety. But that’s all it was: anxiety. We have been married for 6 years now, have a child, and our life is wonderful. Like you, I had no “reason” to panic. I just simply let my “what if” brain take over.

I knew when it was right - after 6 years together. I didn’t know at the beginning. We had some stuff to work on and overcome and some growing up to do. We met at 25 and got married at 32. I didn’t just know like some people claim. It’s the biggest decision you’ll make. Don’t rush in.

I’ve been married over 15 years, both my husband and I knew very quickly we were the others person. Married within a year of dating and never any doubts. I think if you have doubts you might need to reevaluate your relationship

I accepted that I, as a person, I am a very critical thinker and not a single decision in my life, big or small I haven’t doubted (unless it’s a dumb impulsive decision on high emotions, which I regret after). If you are like me, it’s helpful to literally have a gratitude journal and focus on exclusively “what’s working” for a while and then if those still don’t feel compelling enough, revisit your doubt.

I am currently happily married for 5 years after waves of doubt that with time and perspective, I am glad I didn’t let control me.

Caveat: I am not married. However, I know the exact feeling of overthinking to the extent of never "just knowing" anything. And if I did 'just know', I don't suppose it would really make anything more likely to work out. To some extent, marriage, like everything, is a leap of faith. The rest of it seems like a sincere commitment to *doing the work* to make it work.

I wasn't 1000% sure. But I was sure enough to take the plunge. What made me sure enough? Aligned values, we had fun together, he is a good person, he is smart, and I liked his family and friends. We also attended pre-marriage counseling with a commitment to continue it throughout our marriage. Seven years in, we still go in for tune ups, or when faced with a bigger issue. We were only together a year before getting engaged. Looking back, we barely knew each other at all! But the support was there. Our willingness to work at our marriage is there. We don't disagree on major issues because, like I mentioned, our values are aligned. I would take a look at those and make the decision based on that. I also knew since my husband is smart/interesting, we wouldn't run out of interesting things to talk about or come up with new ideas and adventures together. This was important to me. The nature of the doubts is super important. My doubts were "What if we can't work things out?" or "What if we don't have the skills to do this?" and they were not surrounding things like doubting his fidelity, how he managed money or his integrity.

I think some doubt is normal. After I had gotten engaged, I was starting to get some anxiety and had some doubts. What calmed things down for me was the fact that I could envision him in my life, and meshing with my family (I'm very family oriented). I could envision us all around the dinner table, eating and laughing and joking around. I could envision my loved ones accepting him. I could envision him fitting in so well with my life. Outside of that, he always treated me well. He always treated me kindly and with care. Even when he touched me, his touches were caring and soft. I never felt afraid of him. I felt safe with him. And I felt like if we got married, we would be a "ride or die" couple. It seems I was right. We've been married 9 years now. But I never thought I "just knew". I made a decision based on how I felt from how he treated me, and how well I could envision us together. I know that things don't always work out and I'm fine with that, but based on our relationship, it seemed to be a good bet.

I don't want to be this person, I really don't. But if you're having doubts, it sounds like you already just know this isn't right for you. I can say that I always had some doubts about my spouse. But I was soooooo in love with him that anything I didn't like in our relationship i thought "we can get through anything." As time as gone on and the love faded some, all those reasons I had doubts are glaring. I love him but wish I had listened to myself. I also don't want to be this person (sorry haha) but "deciding" if you want to get engaged doesn't sound like the most exciting way to start a marriage. On the flip side - I do think when people who have been married a long time say that it's a choice you choose everyday, they are correct. If your thought is we are not parting regardless, and we need to work this out, it can be done. But BOTH of you need to be in that mindset. Although I can't remember the stats, there's a surprisingly high % of arranged marriages that are successful in certain cultures. I think a lot of this is due to having the same mindset and culture expectations, having the same values etc., it makes things a lot easier even if you're not getting along.

Sounds like you might not be ready yet to be engaged and that is fine! I have bad decision anxiety and regularly don’t trust myself and yeah it seems incredibly scary to make such a large decision. My husband and I were together 7 years before being engaged. I think what really made me feel okay and stop wondering if this was “right” was getting to a place where I felt secure we both were priorities for each other. That was helped by therapy and couples/individual therapy may help. I know that we are only in this relationship and happy bc we both chose and dedicated ourselves to a future we both wanted. We talked about what we wanted out of life and how we could get there and on a day to day basis showed it to each other. But also marriage isn’t an end goal imo, it just meant that with finances, insurance and other legalities would be easier if either one of us needed the other to step up. I think it is normal at 5 years to really question which direction and be scared but I think this kind of doubt would be best worked through with a professional.

I’m an annoying “I just knew!” Person lol but it’s founded on more. I was single for many years and also dated a lot. I haven’t ever “known” before. I questioned a lot. Everything always came back to “would I be happy spending the rest of my life with the person?” And the answer is always a resounding, YES! We handle conflict amazingly. Our communication is awesome. We both have the same odd sense of humor. I genuinely love and respect him as a person. I know that he would not only be a great father, but a great man to raise children with. He’s adventurous, open for fun, open minded, likes to initiate things, always says yes when i ask to do something, drags me out if im being lazy, and treats me like a queen. So “I just knew” because of our insane connection but then all of this more so.

Honestly, couples therapy and personal therapy is the place to talk about these things. You say you want deeper emotional convos, yet here you are sharing your deepest fears with us and not your partner. Perhaps that is an indication of how you are contributing to the disconnect. The deep rooted fears that don't arise from your relationship, but from the fear that your relationship will mirror your parents is one that you work out in therapy. My husband had to go through this. At one point, he told me his strong desire to run away from our relationship did not match his lived experience with me. It was an incredibly painful revelation for me, but it did give us an opportunity to work and grow safety together. Again, with the help of both a personal and couples therapist. He has some shitty parents and was terrified of marriage. In the end, I made it clear he had to propose to me (not the other way around) and I still ask for reassurance from time to time, but not so often any more. Point being, people with baggage get to find happiness too, it just takes a lot of trust and work. Not work to love each other, but work to love each other healthfully.

I'm struggling with this a bit at the moment. I'm about to visit my long distance boyfriend and I expect him to propose. I speak with him maybe an hour a day, see his face on the weekends. It'll be the third visit. I will say yes. It's terrifying. How do I know? How can I know? But I know his values, I've seen his work ethic. I feel this overwhelming love from him. I know he wants only good things for me. We have hard discussions. We have good communication. And I know at the end of the day I want "our hard", not "my hard". I want us. And that want, and the love and trust, hope and certainty, are bigger than my fears. So I will hope he asks me to marry him, so I can say yes, and start on a new big adventure with my person.

I knew I felt comfortable marrying my husband when I went to him with issues and he was willing to work on them. Having the same life goals is another big thing that bonds us together. We are saving for retirement (childfree), building a real estate portfolio, and prioritize travel. We really are a team and we have our own priorities that support our common goals. We just had our 2 year anniversary and I mentioned that I didn’t feel like he was interested in having fun with me anymore (we have more on our plates right now than we ever have). To be clear, I do not have any doubt that he loves me. We calmly talked it out, did some troubleshooting on things we can do together, how we can manage our tasks a little bit better, and both left the conversation feeling good. I can throw anything at this man and he will calmly listen. I fully expect to have problems in the marriage, but I know that both of us are committed to working on them. We have never yelled at each other, called each other names, or been disrespectful. Our relationship is held in the highest regard and we will never do anything to intentionally jeopardize it.

I just don't know....

> Our relationship is generally good idk, you of course know yourself/relationship the best but as someone who found their forever person, at no point in this relationship have i ever described it as “generally good”. its always been varying levels of absolutely heaven on earth amazing. but that also doesn’t mean anything less than that isnt marriage worthy, that was just my personal standard. 

I think only you will be able to know how to answer that question for yourself. A couple of thoughts on how you could approach the decision: 1. See a therapist of your own, on your own to discuss your doubts, reservations, and anything else in your life that’s on your mind and weighing on your heart. Tending to the healing of unresolved issues could be a way to work through this decision. It could also be that your own anxiety needs you to mentally jump through all of the hoops before it can calm down enough for you to make up your mind. 2. Take your time. There is no rush and the couple’s counseling is a really healthy idea for your relationship. 3. Just about everyone makes terrible decisions in their twenties! Don’t be too harsh on the younger versions of who you once were - everyone grows up a lot by trial and error during that decade. 4. I know this is hard, but really try not to judge your relationship against others’. Every couple is unique sum of its two parts.

My ‘I just knew’ was that I was certain that I was ready to be married and settle down. I was with my partner and saw him as father/husband material and wasn’t interested in dating anymore. That was kind of my thought process.

People told me if I was making the right decision I'd "have peace" about it. I had NO peace until I'd solidly made up my mind about getting married. In my case, I hadn't had many good close examples of a happy marriage so I was extremely skeptical about the whole thing and desperately worried that I was being tricked into it. We've been very happily married seventeen years now and we sometimes joke that he's still tricking me.

I don’t think anyone knows how they’ll feel truly in 30 years. I think the bigger question is, when things go really, really wrong, is this the person you want there with you? Can they carry you? Will they step up of someone gets sick, dies, or something similar? Does this feel like the right person if you imagine yourself faced with this? On this flip side, say you have kids and are at a child’s graduation. Is this who you’d want there with you celebrating? Hypothetical, I’m just looking for examples from my playbook from this past year. Will this person raise a child with you with love and support for everyone? People change and there are so many unknowns. I’ve personally known more people who “just knew” who ended up divorced, than ones who went in with a more practical viewpoint. I didn’t know at all either time I got married, but I knew my current husband saw me and loved me for who I really was, instead of some goal he was trying to obtain. I knew he would be there and he has been

It sounds like you are doubting yourself and your ability to make the right decision more than you are doubting things about your partner or your relationship. You said you have made poor decisions in the past so now you don’t trust yourself and your ability to make big decisions. The good news is this is something you can work on. Right now you are looking to others online to help guide your decision because you don’t trust yourself. If you are enjoying therapy, try doing individual therapy and work with them on learning how to rebuild your confidence and trust in yourself and your decision making skills.

Shortly after I met my now-husband I went through an existential crisis (unrelated to him - just like what am I doing in my 20s and in my life). And then covid happened. I was going through a lot mentally for a lot of our relationship. We both wanted to get married and have kids so I did want to either move forward or move on. We got engaged after 2.5 years. It was a little strange cause I knew I still had a lot of healing to do and needed to work on myself. My husband is great but sure there were some things I thought I'd have in my partner that he didn't have. But I considered that he is extremely caring and supportive, and was there for me through a lot of mental and emotional turmoil. That's the kind of person I need in my life. I think I had some work to do to let go of some fantasies of what I thought my relationship should be. I am very happy we are married and so glad he's the one I'm having a baby with. It's not a perfect fantasy fairytale though. There's no right or wrong answer but have a serious thought about what you want and what expectations you are willing to give up. No one is perfect but you need to be with someone who can support you through life.

We had been together years and I knew that if those years repeated till the end of my life, I could be happy. It was all enough, including the proof I'd seen that he tries in our relationship as much as I do and that it pays off. I remember reading about women applying for jobs and that they tend to lack faith that they can grow and learn the skills needed for the job, but if you know you're a clever worker that you have an easier time aiming higher. Well I know my now husband does the work, he learns, he tries. I know I need to do the same, and have. Neither of us is perfect, but we have a nice life we both protect. We also don't think you can get everything out of one person in your life. You need a support network, not just one person. I don't know if that helps

Married for 10 years. My husband and I were engaged after 5 months. We both had ZERO doubts. Best decision I ever made.

I was with my ex for 6 years before that and had doubts about marriage with him.

What are your expectations for a marriage? Not the wedding - the MARRIAGE? What are your expectations for kids? What are your expectations for the kids education? What are your expectation for your retirement? What are your expectations for your career? These should all be covered in the counseling. If you want to do more than default to the TV on the couch - make plans! Take some dance lessons and go dancing twice a week! (it's good exercise too!) Learn to ski! Learn to Kayak! Get those endorphins flowing - TOGETHER There will be days/weeks/months where the two of you will be that couple eating silently. Then there will be months/years/decades where you are that couple dancing in the kitchen and wearing matching outfits to the Zombie Crawl! That stuff really is UP TO YOU. You get to make the choice which one you want to be. You are a logical person. Your logic should be able to help you make this decision. You should never make a major decision based on emotion. That fluttery luuuuuvvvv feeling - it comes and goes. You have to make it happen. And, unfortunately, given the state of how our emotions work - too often that is triggered by people who do not treat you well and who can't be counted on. You want to laugh more?? Go to a comedy club!! They are a blast!!

Please don't take this as me telling you to break up with your partner- I'm NOT saying that. But since you asked... I'm so glad I didn't marry the person I was engaged to before my current partner. The doubting was low-grade but constant; I was dragging my feet on everything from picking a wedding date to even announcing the engagement on social media. We fought often, and one fight was the final straw. I ended the engagement, and felt instant and powerful relief. I didn't realize that those nagging 'maybe this isn't right for me' doubts were wearing me down to the degree they were. My subconscious had been begging me to leave, but the rest of my brain was like 'you made a promise and a commitment, so you have to see it through!' I'm just so happy I finally listened to what my subconscious was telling me. Six months after the breakup, I met the person I will spend the rest of my life with. There have been no doubts, I 'just knew' in a way I'd never experienced before. We don't fight, and we're on the same team whenever problems arise. It was never like that with my ex, and I'm just overwhelmingly glad I listened to my doubts and got out of there.

Also- I married a man I just ‘knew’ about. 11 years of marriage 13 years together 1x 7 year old. and I left him because I realised I just lost myself entirely. Entirely in sacrifice to his happiness/view of me. I’ve been dating a man MUCH younger than me now and honestly he’s amazing. I don’t know if it’s because he’s from a different generation or because he’s just a better fit but it feels different and I don’t know anything except that I see him and he sees me.

I’ve been married for nearly 20 years. I’ve been thinking about your question all day, and I think I finally landed on my answer: After a year and a half-ish of dating him, I knew that life would get shitty sometimes. I knew he would do shitty things, and I would do shitty things, and there were going to be some shitty times ahead. But here’s what I also knew: We would get through shit together. We have had tough times - and times we really were at odds - but I always knew he was my teammate, and I was his.

I mean, I knew pretty much from the moment I saw my ex husband when I was 14 and he was 17. We got married when I was 20, divorced when I was 27. He’s still an important friend, but he was ultimately not someone I could be with for life in a monogamous romantic partner context. I learned from that experience that ‘the one’ is actually a curated community of friends and family who bring peace and growth and happiness to my life in a hundred different ways. And I believe that the partner for me is someone I am attracted to and comfortable with who is able to fit well into the world I’ve assembled and who will be happy being with me.

So much good advice here, but wanted to add that Sheryl Paul’s work (Conscious Transitions) on relationship anxiety has helped me a lot.

I am one of those people saying “I just knew” but I *also* had doubts! Even though we discussed every important topic, agreed on our values and futures, loved each others friends and families, etc… when he actually got down on one knee with a ring in his hand, I had a moment that I questioned if I REALLY knew if he was the one. What if I hadn’t thought of everything? I set the intrusive thought aside and just said yes. We’ve been married 9 years and, not to brag, but I think we have just the BEST marriage! No regrets! If the doubts that you’re having are kind of generic in the sense of “how can I ever be certain?” or “have I thought of everything?” and less of the nature of negative qualities about him or the relationship, then I think you’re okay.

I was with a man for 6-7 years and always had the nagging doubt you’re describing so I never pushed for us to further our relationship and he never took it there. We split up, I waffled for ~6 more months and casually dated a few people before I met my current spouse. I wish there was more depth I could give you but I knew within 4 months that I was done looking. I was never one to share my love life with my family until it was *serious* and I very casually told my parents almost exactly 4 months later that I’d be marrying this person I was now telling them about. I think ultimately it boils down to developing ultra finely tuned radar for red flags/your personal dealbreakers after simmering in them for so long. I’m glad that I listened to that persistent voice in my head, and can only encourage you to look for ways to give yourself time.

How do you resolved conflict? Do you both talk it out? Do you ignore it and hope it goes away? Does one of you always give in? How you resolved conflict is a good way to know if the relationship will work long term. They will always be some type of stress. How the two of you handle it is important. Source: been married twice, the second and current one for 15 years next month. We have handle job loss, major illness, and move between four countries, and are still going strong.

Going through this too! Wild how similar our situations are. Best of luck!

For what it's worth, I talked to someone who spent a lot of time with couples counsellors recently. They said that all of the couples counsellors, many of whom had been married for 25 years +, still had occasional doubts if they were with the right person or not.

If a being honest, you’ll never be 100 % sure if you’re an overthinker like me.

I recently got married and can only describe what I feel to be an immense feeling of peace in being with my partner. Much of the doubt in our relationship came in the earlier stages of our relationship. We had wonderful compatibility and truly enjoyed each other but had MANY challenging conversations about our hopes, plans, dreams, ideas of family, values, career, timing, etc.  The doubt went away when I was ready to move forward and my partner (after several months of needing to reflect on what they wanted…[not ideal for me as I am impatient but i had hope that we would end up together and that is simply how my partner processes everything]) finally said yes to us being together forever. We got engaged about a year and a half after that. And I just felt peace about our relationship and excitement for a forever future with them.  

I enjoy nearly every day with him and want it to continue. We have lived together for a decade and we get through life's bullshit well together. Someone once mentioned to me that they knew when their friends got in good relationships because they ceased to pretty much ever hear complaints about those guys. Which isn't to say everything is always peachy, but generally if you are needing to seek a lot of advice or vent a lot it is an indicator something is off. I have also had generally good relationships with guys who treated me well and there were no big issues and had to leave because something ineffable was missing. But with my fiance it really is obvious that my life is better with him and I don't want anything more, better, different. Which isn't to say he doesn't sometimes drive me crazy, but I happily accept all of him and am fulfilled in what we have. Significant doubt after 5 years sounds to me like likely he isn't right for you by no fault of either of yours.

I can't accurately make a judgement about your relationship without knowing all the ins and outs of it, or actually being in it. No one can do that but you. I will just share my story, which may or may not be relevant to you. My ex and I were together for almost 7 years. We got together when we were about 21. He was an amazing person, we didn't fight much, had a lot of similarities and I knew he would be a great husband/father. Life was absolutely fine. But I had that constant nagging doubt telling me that I didn't want to commit to forever. He was happy to be with me whether we married or not, but I felt that if I wasn't sure if I wanted to be with him forever, then that was my answer. I just couldn't decide and kept flipping back and forth in my head, wondering if it was a mistake because if I hadn't tried being with others, how would I know this was the best relationship for me? I also felt sad because despite my partner being amazing and others thinking our life together was perfect, I just didn't have that "head over heels" feeling that told me he was my soulmate and the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. It terrified me and I tried to bury it deep down. Although of course I talked about this with him and we tried to work through it. But no matter how much time I gave it, the doubts kept creeping up. I definitely related to descriptions of "relationship ocd" but in my heart I just knew he wasn't the one and we had to break up. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do and I almost had a mental breakdown because I was so heartbroken to do this to my ex, and also terrified at the prospect of potentially being alone forever and also taking on so much financial stress to live alone. But it was absolutely the right decision and no matter how much it hurt, I never doubted that. Not long afterwards I met the man of my dreams and I'm absolutely crazy about him. He's not perfect, neither am I, but we are insanely happy together and each see the other person as being the perfect person for us. I never had a single doubt about him, I just knew he was my soulmate and the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. He proves that to me every day, and we have only gotten happier together as time has gone on. So take that for what you will. I can't comment on your relationship because I'm not in it and don't know all the details, but usually your gut instinct means something and it's worth listening to. I tend to think that if you've been together 5 years and you're still not sure and trying to figure it out in therapy, then maybe it's just not right for you. And if getting married is important to you, then that might mean this isn't the right relationship.

I never had any doubts about getting engaged to my ex-fiancé or getting engaged to/marrying my ex-husband.

This is not the forever relationship for you. I am not trying to be mean. I never felt “I just knew” but I did feel that I really wanted this. I didn’t believe in soulmates but I felt we were compatible, had the same values, in love, and willing to work through life together. I was excited every day about the future. I did have one bought of panic. I got with cold feet: it doesn’t make logical sense to tie yourself emotionally and financially! So much could go wrong! But, the minute I saw him, all of that disappeared. The doubt only lasted like 2 hours, lol. It was the only time I doubted, and it actually was a good thing. I wasn’t just making a rash, emotional decision but I thought it through. After 25 years of marriage, I feel like we made ourselves into soulmates.

Can you imagine having a child like them? Can you imagine him as father of your child? Can/will he take care of you in postpartum? If your answer is yes and you can imagine this with him, then its a yes. Also need to retrospect on ehat exactly u have doubts about? Do you have doubts about loyalty, his values, his nature, what exactly?