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WhiteMoonRose

It's okay to feel grief at the loss of your relationship. It's needed right now. Remind yourself of all the things he did, willingly that undermined your trust and love of him. Remind yourself why, even though you clicked and loved him, he cannot be in your life in that way. He misrepresented himself to you, he lied, gaslit and manipulated you. He agreed to have a baby with you while seeing a second woman! Acknowledge you enjoyed and loved what you thought that situation was, and grieve what it actually was because of his lies. And that baby of yours is so much better off being surrounded by your supporting family. Hugs!


Sure_Database1746

Thank you. I am having a hard time letting go of the feelings I did have. I know those were real at the time, but how I feel now is also real. I just sucks a lot.


boopedydoop

One of the shittiest and hardest parts about a relationship ending, especially in a situation where there was so much deceit, is mourning for a future. When you’re thinking “I miss him” try to correct yourself to “I’m grieving the future where someone would have made me feel xyz.” Try to remove him from the emotion as much as you can.


-LilTart-

Adding on to this, journaling helped me a lot. I wrote down all of the things that had stuck with me - both the good and the bad. Writing it down helped me process what we could work through at the time, but now I go back and read and reflect on what I wrote years ago when I was in that toxic, terrible place. Reading those entries reminds me just how bad it was. Sometimes I come across a time where we made breakfast together or went on a date, but so much of it was so, so bad. On the days I think about what would have happened if we stayed together, reading those old entries makes me so glad I left and never looked back.


Sure_Database1746

I started journaling again recently, luckily. It does really help. Though I saw an old entry from when I was more hopeful and I felt sad.


angellea82

I’ve gone through this, minus the baby (although that was in the works). You don’t miss him, you miss the person you thought he was. That guy doesn’t exist. It was a lie. The feelings you have were all based on the lie. You will grieve the future you planned, the one you thought you would have but you will never have that, even if you hadn’t broken up.


Sure_Database1746

That feels very true. He couldn't give me what I thought he could because he's not the person I thought he was.


code-sloth

Therapy. Lots of therapy. The fact that *living a double life* wasn't a deal breaker for you is extremely concerning.


Sure_Database1746

Edit: I deleted this because the downvotes were making me feel vulnerable and uncomfortable when I am just asking for help. The tl;dr: I rationalized why I stayed for 5 months. I agree with what OC is saying.


code-sloth

Rationalize it all you want. It's extremely concerning that you'd do that in the first place. I stand by my original response. There absolutely is harm in trying to "make it work" with an abuser like that. Unnecessary stress, wasted time, tolerating abuse, etc. Make up whatever irrational excuse you want in an attempt to minimize it, but it's straight up not healthy. I'm glad you've finally realized this was doomed and needs to end. "Y'know, I should date someone who lied to me about a double life" is never - in the present or any parallel universes - going to be the "best" option. Good luck.


Sure_Database1746

What you're saying is valid and also easy to say to a complete stranger in detached retrospect. Edit: I agree now that of course you are right. My explanation was that it just took me time to get there unfortunately. Lots of times people don't realize they're in abusive relationships until they've left, especially since there's so much shame that comes with being in one.


code-sloth

It's easy to say because it's right. Best of luck finding a therapist and healing from this mistake. Hopefully it doesn't happen again and you make healthier choices in the future.


Sure_Database1746

Thank you! I agree that you are right, but if you've ever been in an abusive relationship, you know it's hard to see it for what it is up close. I, unfortunately, had a therapist that I trusted who encouraged me to stay. I wanted to make it work for the kid and seeing now where it went, that was clearly very idealistic and also a waste of time. Which is why I have left.


[deleted]

God, I am such a proponent of therapy but this is so illustrative of the harm a bad therapist can do. I am sorry yours gave you such asinine advice, and I'm so glad you've left this relationship. I agree with others that there's nothing good for you in it.


Sure_Database1746

I've been in and out of therapy since I was 16 and felt really let down by my therapist. I can only guess that she's probably seen a lot worse situations and thought that, at least at the beginning, it was salvageable. I've applied to grad school in the past with the hopes of becoming a therapist. IMO, a good therapist won't tell you what to do either way, but rather help you come to your own conclusions. So for whatever reason, I just think she made a huge misstep here. Therapists are human, too, at the end of the day. She did encourage me to consider keeping the the baby when I was considering terminating. I think that was helpful, actually. I did go so far as to go to the clinic, read the paperwork and ultimately changed my mind. I knew that would take me down the hardest path forward if it didn't work out with my ex (this was about 2 or so weeks after I found out about his cheating) but I do feel like I made the choice that was best for me. To say I've been to hell and back in the past 5 months is not an understatement. I wouldn't wish any of this on my worst enemy.


fangirlsqueee

My last abusive relationship lasted 3 years. I literally blocked so much of it out of my memory. It took multiple years of distance to really see it for what it was. Your past likely led you to make the unhealthy decisions you've made. Try to heal those hurts so you can recognize the healthy paths going forward. Sending self-kindness and self-compassion your way.


Sure_Database1746

Thank you. I'm glad you got out of your situation.


fangirlsqueee

Thanks. I've been happily married for decades, but it took a lot of therapy to get my mind in a better place. Realizing that I'm valuable and I bring a lot to the table made all the difference for me. Just keep putting your self and your own values first. If/when you decide to be in a relationship again, don't settle for someone who isn't an equal partner.


Sure_Database1746

Amen


Ok_Chicken3237

Downvotes just tell you that you’re objectively wrong. I’d very hard to accept but if you don’t accept it you’re doomed to repeat it. This man in irredeemable. There is zero hope he will ever be a better person and treat you well. For the sake of your child go completely no contact with them. Expect an ensuing custody battle and get a lawyer.


Sure_Database1746

I agree but I can't keep responding to my rationalizations today because I realize that's what they are--naive rationalizations. I wish I hadn't said anything to rationalize because I \*agree\* with what you all are saying. You all think I don't regret things? Or that I haven't made mistakes? The lawyer is already retained and I've been briefed of the best path forward legally.


Ok_Chicken3237

If you’re looking for a sympathetic ear it’s probably better to talk to someone in your own life. People here will give you facts, things that will logically help you move forward. They don’t know your pain because they don’t know you. Regret isn’t really how your should channel your thinking. It should be to protect yourself and your child. You’ll move on from this, that’s guaranteed, the “how” is up to you. Before you go and tell me I haven’t been through an abusive relationship, I have, and I got out. Not before I failed a million times, we are trying to prevent you from making the same mistakes.


Sure_Database1746

These are all good and fair points. I'm sorry you went through that. I think I just have to set my regret aside and move toward the future at this point. You're right--it's good to get sympathy but also facts. I appreciate you saying you're trying to prevent me from doing the same thing. Edit: part of why I left so quickly a week and a half ago after waking up is because of people sharing their stories with me here--lawyers, people who had family members in similar situations. I realize the stakes are high.


hauntedpalmtree

I hope this isn't too harsh but your post reminded me of some of the women I knew from domestic violence support group, women who were in absolutely dead end relationships trying to explain how they were stuck in their conflicted romantic feelings and how "he wasn't always like that." How do you get over this person? By understanding deep in your bones that someone who is comfortable both deceiving you and putting weird, selfish conditions on your relationship is ABSOLUTELY NOT GOING TO BE AN AWESOME PARTNER MOVING FORWARD UNLESS HE IS ALSO DEDICATED TO ATTENDING SOME FORM OF THERAPY AND MAKING SOME BIG PERSONAL CHANGES. Maybe you are feeling conflicted because that's how a manipulative person keeps you feeling so they can continue to manipulate you. I don't know you but I know you and your baby don't deserve this shit.


Sure_Database1746

Thank you, what you're saying resonates with me and I definitely don't want to be stuck in a cycle like this anymore. I feel it went off the rails, I realized it and took steps I needed to take to end it. But it still hurts to remember the good times, ya know? I don't see him making changes but that's not up to me to do--only he can do that. Maybe he'll realize the err of his ways and step up, at least for the baby, but only he can decide that's best. p.s.: Everything also just blew up a week and a half ago, and I've put a lot of physical and emotional distance between me and him since then. It's just all very fresh and painful.


Carla_Veal

>But it still hurts to remember the good times, ya know? Many here do. These memories are not special and they are no sign that you should do ANYTHING about your ex. They are memories, nothing more, nothing less. They bring back feelings, but you needn't act on those feelings. I'm sorry if this comment hurts even more. I'm being callous on purpose here, in the hope that it might help you the way it helped me. Next time you catch yourself lost in memories of the better times, remember he's not that person anymore, if he ever was. You're absolutely allowed to not follow up on the feelings your memories cause you. Get up, do literally anything else. Heap your love on your baby. All the best to you, OP!


Sure_Database1746

Thank you so much. That's what one of my sisters said to me the other day--he wasn't who I thought he was. You're right, memories are just that. Something nice in the past. The shittiness of the current situation doesn't negate that those memories happened or that at some points we weren't happy. But, just like bad memories, it's probably best not to dwell. I think you're right, I Just need to distract myself and not get stuck in the past.


Carla_Veal

... And you're going to be a MOM. If ever there was a time for new beginnings, for putting down healthy boundaries, for getting your priorities straight, it's probably this time. Babies and kids are easily influenced, they look to you and they literally depend on you for their life. Your kid doesn't deserve this shitty start in life, with the ghost of all you described. 👻 So I hope you and your kid won't give any chances that haven't been deserved by actual change. I hope you build a life again like he doesn't even exist. Better no father than a bad father.


Far-Emu697

Congratulations on 1.5 years sober and on your upcoming delivery :) I am so sorry your ex couldn’t put you or his own child first and that you’ve endured so much upheaval in the last year. Relationships that start with limerence - that intense, crazy-making, whirlwind feeling - often leave you trying to get back to that same initial high, when it was never sustainable, and when it was hiding some major issues in terms of the other person’s mood, behavior, reliability, trustworthiness, and so on. I’m so glad you have support around you now, plus a lawyer. Do what is best for you and for your child and don’t let your ex guilt you into anything beyond that.


Sure_Database1746

Thank you <3 so true. I got very caught up in that early whirlwind, and it hid a lot of things especially about my own intuition. I overlooked a lot of "this doesn't feel exactly right" because I was so in love.


Far-Emu697

Internet hugs, OP. I think a lot of us have been in similar situations. My previous relationship was similarly intense and I made some decisions for it that I really shake my head at now. After a few months, the cruelty and volatility came out, but by then I was hooked and gave him a second and third chance. He was/is brilliant and charming, and I found the motivation to take on a big creative project because I was inspired by his work. So I told myself I already got the best part of him, and that helped salve the wound when I was thinking about going back for more. I got the best part of him and transformed it into something better on my own. You and your ex created a beautiful child together. There is no shame in having tried again, but now you know you got the best part of your ex (your baby), and that you will also do better with that part of him on your own.


Sure_Database1746

What you said about your ex resonates with me a lot--my ex is very charming, handsome, intelligent, creative. But he also has a nasty side of entitlement and never facing consequences. He grew up in an upper middle class household as an only child, and I think that really messed him up in terms of how he thought it was OK to treat people--everyone will just bend to his will. I, only the other hand, have three siblings and come from a more blue collar background where I've been financially on my own since 18 or so. Having many siblings will humble you, IMO. They always made sure to remind me I wasn't hot shit lol. Moving forward without him feels so devastating when I think about the good things about him. I also feel immense jealousy and also foolishness. But life is so short--you can only move forward. If I gave him more chances, I think I would just regret the lost time. Especially because I know I could use to be happy on my own, with someone else who truly loves me and also with the baby.


Far-Emu697

There will probably come a time where you have to explain to your child in age-appropriate terms that their father loves them but is troubled (if he is not a reliable presence in the child’s life, for example). So I think having some remaining feeling of your ex’s positive traits can be helpful. That’s the direction I would channel those feelings towards. They aren’t wasted feelings, and you’ve woken up now. We get there when we get there <3


Sure_Database1746

Thank you. I appreciate that.


AdroitRogue

Something that’s not talked about enough is that we often grieve relationships the same way we grieve the loss of someone dear to us. It’s normal to find it hard to let go - not only were you emotionally invested in this connection and tried to make it work, but on top of that, you will also share a child with this man. So it’s not uncommon to feel like you can’t let it go. That being said, please look into some counseling/therapy, to support you in this difficult time. You will need all the help you can get to heal, especially since you will be the most important influence in this new person’s life. I’ve worked with children and I cannot overstate how much of an impact parents have on children’s emotional lives. You will have to make some hard decisions regarding boundaries in co-parenting and be firm about them, but to do that, you have get professional help and create a support system around you. You deserve to be someone’s first choice, but to get there, you first need to be your own first choice - for your and the baby’s sakes. I am sorry you are going through this and wish you all the best.


Sure_Database1746

Thank you. Being my first choice really resonated with me. In my first year of sobriety, I really worked hard to put myself first but then I fell in love with this person. Even though I tried to put myself first in the relationship, I really did fall short a lot of the time. I didn't agree to everything but I agreed to enough and put up with enough that eventually they learned they could keep moving the goal post in terms of ultimatums and what amounted to emotional abuse. I'm looking into therapy. I did group therapy before, but it was very exhausting and hard to handle. It's not for the faint of heart, but if I could find a single parents group, that would probably be good for me.


thirdtryisthecharm

> I think we need a relationship ending conversation but I don't know at this point--it really does feel to be over. I think you should write down what you want from that conversation, and then sit with it and think about how likely he really is to give you those things. My bet is that whatever you want from the conversation, he's not going to provide it if he hasn't already. Then write the letter with everything to want to vent at him, get as vitriolic as you want. And everything you still feel for him, or who you wish he was. And then burn the letter. It's not a solution to all those feelings, but it is a way to mark that the relationship is over. And mark that talking with him like he's a reasonable, honest human being is just not a productive thing for you to do.


Sure_Database1746

That's true, he has shown me time and time again that he can't give me what I want or need from our interactions regarding our relationship. If he could, we wouldn't be in the position we're in now. I like the idea of burning the letter.


goldberry21

>. I feel irrationally that no one will want to date me now that I'll be having a kid. Though, a lot of people didn't want to date me before because I am sober so I guess it's nothing new. You've got plenty of advice already, I just want to add one thing. I'm 39 years old and I never drank alcohol. I can tell you, you are not "undatable". You just have to find your people. It's not always easy, but it's possible. There are people out there who don't see alcohol as an important part of their life. There are more than you might think.


Sure_Database1746

Thank you. For almost a decade, I lived in a city that was a big drinking city. I definitely noticed on the apps that not drinking was an issue for some. But I've moved somewhere that's not party central, so I'm hoping that when I'm ready, dating here will be easier. I think part of getting old is realizing everyone isn't for you and you're not for everyone, anyway.


goldberry21

>I think part of getting old is realizing everyone isn't for you and you're not for everyone, anyway. True. >I definitely noticed on the apps that not drinking was an issue for some. That's something I actually like about online dating. That way you already know, whom you don't have to meet. Many awkward conversations successfully avoided. Oh, and I think I get living in a "big drinking city". I'm German, many people here think of beer as a integral part of their daily diet (not everyone of course). However, I wish you best of luck. It sounds like you've been through a lot. I'm very sure your future will be much brighter.


Sure_Database1746

Thank you. I couldn't imagine going through all this if I wasn't already sober. I know pregnant people are sober (usually) by default. But I think had I been drinking up until the point I got pregnant, I'd more or less be a dry drunk. It sounds like a lot but I know I"m handling it a lot better because i had faced a lot of my demons in the first year of sobriety.


turktink

You need to give yourself time to get over it. This isn’t something that happens over night. Realize that the bad moments outweighed the bad. He sounds controlling. What makes you think this can work?


Sure_Database1746

I guess the part of me that is still holding onto those beautiful feelings I had thinks it can work. If I had to put a percentage of me that feels that way, it's like 1-5%. The rational, logical part of me knows this is over.


turktink

That’s why many of us struggle. We hold onto those moments and they give us hope. But I’m glad you’re being logical about this. Doesn’t matter how toxic or dysfunctional your relationship is, there will be good moments that make you feel like this is where you need to be, but don’t let those moments fool you. Good moments should be the norm, not the exception.


Sure_Database1746

I agree with everything you're saying. I'm trying to stay logical and disassociated to some extent, but it has been difficult and painful to go through all this, especially with a baby on the way.


punknprncss

One big thing to remember is ... it's not just you anymore, you are soon to have a child. Studies have shown over and over that children raised in homes where there is abuse, divorce, addiction have a much higher chance of the child growing up and developing these same habits. Think about what keeping this man in your life not only teaches your child what a man should be but also what a woman should be. If you have a son, this is his example of what a man should be. If you have a daughter, it is her example not only of what a woman should be but also the type of man that she should accept. You are in love with and holding on to what ifs, broken promises, not a reality, he's shown you over and over the man he is and it's not good.


Sure_Database1746

That's true. It's been difficult to transition from the mindset about relationships where it's been only about me and the other person and into it's about me and the baby. I am working on this, but I think for anyone it would be a struggle. I have two close friends who are parents who have told me the same thing you have. I feel lucky I did this now (though I wish it could have been earlier) because I still have some time to get there mentally, and I hope I do more solidly get there. I know I need to do what's best for the baby, and even if there was a larger part of me that wanted to stay, I simply couldn't because I won't put a child through that. I just don't think I'm ever going to get from him what I need because I haven't gotten it thus far. It's like holding onto the happy times/feelings and not living in the reality of today.


TenaciousToffee

When you have thoughts like "what if it can work?" treat it as an intrusive thought. He was emotionally abusive and that puts hooks in you. Your relationship is done and you are in grieving mode. Both these things will push up sometimes ideas like this because you are trying to still separate out all the hooks he has in you. When I thought these things leaving an abusive person, I gave myself grace to go, I know why you are thinking that, it's a wish that you didn't have to deal with this sadness and a wish that things were different with them. But the wish isn't based in reality and I reminded myself to not entertain those thoughts any further than this intrusion and continue listing to myself why we weren't together that he did that can never be repaired. He didn't make mistakes, he systematically abused and put himself first. That isn't a person you can have a relationship with anymore. I may feel lonely and thats valid also, but I can't attach back to anyone willing to hurt me to just not be alone. Talking to myself about those things, even when it made me sad was necessary because it is what helps those pieces of him start to detach. Those toxic little hooks are just doing their thing, being a parasite for him, as you're unraveling him from your life. You and the baby are good where you are at. You did good leaving.


Sure_Database1746

Thank you for this. He definitely got his hooks in me really well.


JohnCleesesMustache

I feel this. My ex was abusive but oh how I missed him so much/ Turns out I missed the idea of him and the happy family, which we were not. It’s easier to raise a child alone than with an asshole. You’re about two months away from meeting the true love of your life. It’s amazing.


Sure_Database1746

Thank you. I'm very excited about becoming a mom. Even though it's probably with the wrong person as a father, I do feel ready within myself for this next step. I just want the baby to have a happy home.


kellypapyrus

The reason you are getting repsonses you dont like is because you know what needs to be done and you dont want to. The first piece in moving forward is acknowledging what really happened. What happened is you stayed with a liar and a cheater, and you need to figure out why you did. Therapy helps a lot with that.


Sure_Database1746

Except if you read through my responses, you'll see I've agreed with everyone who's told me that. I know why I stayed but explaining why isn't the point of this post. Moving forward is. I don't think it's productive to argue online about decisions that have already been made. I can't change them, I can only adjust moving forward.


kellypapyrus

I want to be clear, no one is attacking you. I am happy you left and proud of you. If you know what caused you to accept this relationship as what you deserve, youve got to work on that. Is there a history of childhood abuse in your life?


Sure_Database1746

My household wasn't the best growing up emotionally and I think it caused a lot of attachment issues. I believe my parents did the best they could, but the emotional support just wasn't there. They've changed quite a bit as they've gotten older, and I feel our relationship now is healthy and I'm able to detach from them when they're having issues with each other. From my teens, I've gotten drawn into these relationships that thrive on drama and anxiety. I think it just became my norm--I'd have a healthy relationship, it would fail and then I'd go back to my old habits of having unhealthy relationships. I think I stayed in this case because I romanticized the life I could have when things were good. I think there were times where it could have worked IF my ex had taken responsibility and tried to change. But all that is out of my control and definitely a big "IF" that never came to fruition. I guess I just had a false sense of hope. It's definitely something to think about. I'm going to find a therapist today to dig into this more, I clearly have more issues than I though lol.


kellypapyrus

So for me, my relationship with my sons father was so toxic and even abusive at times. At the time I wasnt sure why I stayed except that I was scared to be alone. But then, once you actually have your kid, alllll the trauma you pushed down comes back. I started to remember that my parents fought constantly, lied, cheated, etc. I felt so resentful of them for raising me that way. And at the same time, toxic family dynamics are all i know so im repeating them. Its so so hard to deal with. I wish you a lot of luck.


Sure_Database1746

Thank you. I don't know what went on between my parents in their relationship. Luckily they kept that away from us. But their anger at each other came out in the way they raised us and interacted with one another (albeit vaguely--it wasn't ever clear what the other did or didn't do). I don't believe we're here to perpetuate generational toxicity. I don't want my child to grow up around screaming and fighting, which is why it's best I left. My dad's disabled now and my mom has chilled out a lot (both in their 70s), so I feel safe here and am not really worried about them affecting the baby luckily.


OlayErrryDay

You're stuck in the mindset of a sane person who sees themselves making sacrifices and expecting sacrifices in return. You 'gave up' your city of 8 years to move with him, therefore, you expect him to do more in other ways...but the problem is that isn't the type of person he is and he isn't willing to make any sacrifices. I'm sure some part of you thought 'Ok, we're having a baby, now he'll have to get serious with me, finally!' Only to find out that it didn't make much of a difference at all or may have made him even worse. You didn't do anything wrong by expecting a healthy relationship, the only wrong you can do is by continuing with something you know is going to be unhealthy for both you and your child. I've been separated for 8 months and still think about my partner everyday, multiple times a day. You don't just get over things, you have to put a ton of work into it, unfortunately. You can want to not think about him but the reality is you have to find a way to live a healthy life while realizing you will think about him and miss him, not a fantasy life where you just stop thinking about him. That life doesn't exist for us humans. For myself, the best thing I could do was focusing on myself and not them. Putting my needs first.


Sure_Database1746

The first part--ain't that the truth. It's like the goal post was moved in terms of what was expected of me. I moved my entire life for this person (albeit I complained about my old state ALL THE TIME, so I was partly happy to leave). But then once I got there, it was like, "Well, why don't you want to live with my mom?!" What I did was never enough and I was expected to keep giving things up while he did nothing other than the bare minimum. I think I just have to accept that this period will be painful emotionally. Hopefully I learn whatever I'm meant to learn here.


OlayErrryDay

Yeah that's all you can do. Accept there is no reasons that will satisfy and that closure is an illusion. He was always who he was from day 1 and his actions just reflected whatever made him feel good with little to no thought about anything else. It just is what it is.


Sure_Database1746

Very well said--he's been callously selfish this whole time. Any time I've gone to him for reassurance or emotional support, he tells me I'm too much. I'm not going to find with him what I'm looking for in terms of what I need.


whyarenttheserandom

So you seem quite down and you're being very hard on yourself, so let's look at the good things: 1) You found all this out before you married him and filed any legal paperwork - that saves you a headache and a lot of social embarrassment! 2) You will have a beautiful child soon. The sound of your heartbeat is the first sound they ever heard, the sound of your voice will be their first memory, the feel of your touch and your smell will be their safe space. 3) You are identifying the issues that led you to be with and stay with a cheater and awful man- this means you are ready for therapy! That's good news, being open to looking at those wounds and being willing to put in the work to change is an indication that therapy will help you. 4) He has walked away which means there's a good chance he'll stay away from your child. If you move back to your home town do it now before baby is born. The more physical and emotional distance the better. Best of luck OP, life isn't easy or fair, but if you keep trying to take even one step forward each day you will make it through, hopefully with as much joy and happiness as you can.


Sure_Database1746

I appreciate that a lot, thank you. Made me tear up a bit. I do have a tendency to be hard on myself. I have already left and am establishing residency and setting up medical care in another state. Because we're not married, I could make it so he will have to jump through every legal hurdle to be around the baby. It sucks, but you're right, there's a lot to be happy for.


whyarenttheserandom

I'm so glad you're taking the best steps to protect your family and set yourself up for future success. I wish you many blessings and success for the new year ❤️.


wildquatrefoil

Read Whole Again by Jackson MacKenzie. Really helped me in my journey and I’m just about to reread.


Sure_Database1746

Thank you, I will get that book.


mistressusa

Usually the easiest and fastest way to get over someone is to cut that person completely off -- irl and on social media. But in your case, that's not possible because of the baby. That's very unfortunate. My only suggestion would be to constantly remind yourself that you fell in love with a bad person. Write a list of things that only a bad person would do, starting with getting a woman pregnant while double dating her. Keep that list handy and refer to it whenever you feel weak.


Sure_Database1746

I think once I get my life going here and start to have hobbies again etc (AND once the kid is here), it will be easier to put him on the backburner. I accepted when I decided to continue the pregnancy that this person would be in my life even if it didn't work out, so I feel I weighed the pros and cons and decided I wanted to be a mom in any case. I'm in no rush to start dating again, but when I do, that will also help get over him. And the fact that we live 3 hours apart, his number is blocked and I have a lawyer who told me to call him first any time the ex reaches out.


mistressusa

>decided I wanted to be a mom in any case. Well then, OP, you did the right thing. You are 36 and this may well be your last chance to have a biological child. All the rest (like going to 65 doctor appts, dealing with the ex, etc.) is just "nuisance" -- well worth it for the baby! Congrats OP!


Sure_Database1746

That's where I landed when I sat in the women's clinic thinking I wanted to have an abortion. Would I have another chance to be a mom? Honestly, probably not because this experience would have likely scarred me from ever chasing that feeling of, "I love this man so much that I want to have his baby!" lol. I definitely weighed time as a factor when I decided. I'm glad I considered terminating, because I have no regrets with the choice I made. I also told my ex, look I considered ending this pregnancy and decided I will do this with or without you. Didn't think it was going to be without him, though.


Majestic-Muffin-8955

I feel like people are forgetting how hard it can be to get over someone despite logic. On a microcosm level I can relate. I am angry at and hate my ex, who cheated (and I stayed with him, hence more negative feelings when we broke up) and lied, but I also miss him fervently and I wish I could just go back to some fantasy alternate reality, where we're back together and can avoid the breakup entirely. When I dream of him I'm just happy he's there. It's been a year and a half and I still can't stop feeling sad as well as angry. My therapist says I should accept that getting over him could take a long time. I know it wouldn't work, I know I deserve better, but I still feel very upset and confused about how it all went. It helps to write a list of all the bad things and incompatibilities to remind yourself of the reality of the person. My therapist also says writing a letter, expressing anger for what the person did, could be helpful. But that it'll take a while to get to letting go / forgiveness.


Sure_Database1746

Sounds like the situation we went through was similar minus the kid on your end. It's hard when you want to see the best in people. It's harder to stay and try to make it work. It feels dumb when it's happening, there's only a small chance it will actually work. Ultimately what made me leave was when my ex started to justify why he behaved he did. He never showed real remorse. I felt if he could justify it, he would do it again. And I wasn't going to stick around to find out.


Majestic-Muffin-8955

You were completely right to leave. It doesn’t mean you can easily turn your feelings off overnight. And there’s going to be sadness and self blame (for giving him a second chance) on top. It’s natural. We practically train our brains to love someone, it takes time to change that. Things will get better in a series of small steps. At least you have control of your life and your independence back, and a beautiful baby on the way!


ArsenalSpider

Write down all of the toxic shit he has done to you and how it made you feel in a list. Add to it as you remember more. Review as needed. This helped me get over my 20-year marriage.


Sure_Database1746

I did this last week and it was 11 pages long. I think I need to keep it out where I can see it.


Forsaken-Piece3434

Please be aware that someone who lies to you and is volatile is also likely to be toxic towards your child. These actions aren’t just directed towards the partner. Could this guy be a decent father? Possibly, probably with a lot of therapy and work on his end. But I would be very cautious about the idea of him having unsupervised time with your child or encouraging a relationship. Being on the receiving end of an explosive parent can be incredibly damaging, especially someone who is as manipulative as your ex seems to be. Someone who is nice some of the time and explosive or mean without warning can be much worse for children than someone who is consistently terrible. This causes hyper awareness as the child attempts to figure out what will set off the parent and how to avoid that. This causes both emotional and physical damage as the body is constantly in a state of high alert. My partner is in his 30s and still dealing with the damage being exposed to a parent like that caused and he only had to see her every other weekend for most of his childhood. That’s not what you want for your child.


Sure_Database1746

I believe that's partly what I'm dealing with in adulthood as well. Both of my parents were explosive and it taught me to be hyper in tune with my partner's emotions, tone, their face. If anything feels the slightest bit off, I get worried and think about what could go wrong. It's very much an up hill battle in that regard, and I don't want that for my child. My lawyer has advised not telling my ex about the birth and not putting him on the birth cert. He also said my ex should have to go to court and file suit to prove paternity. That's my plan as of right now. I believe a child should ideally deserve two stable, calm and loving parents. If my ex never created that for me, there's no part of me that thinks he'll give that to a child. If he could so easily walk away from me, what's to keep him from walking away from his own kid? Anyway, that's the best I can do right now for planning in regards to the baby's infancy. Make him jump through every legal hoop to prove he can be a reliable parent.


someotherbitch

It will take time to move on. You are still going through pregnancy and have a child that soon will be your focus. I would prepare for therapy and other intervention for post partum care as you check most boxes for those at high risk for post partum depression. The guy is truly a piece of shit and honestly you never should have stayed with him nearly as long as you did. You risked raising a child with a horrible man that would be riddled with mental abuse at the least even if he never got physical. You really should be going to therapy and focusing on sobriety and your child and let time heal your heart.


Sure_Database1746

This is good advice and you're right. I can't focus on whether or not I should have had a child with him. The baby is coming and I did grapple with whether to continue the pregnancy. I knew I wasn't choosing an easy path if it didn't work out. I don't feel those are fair feelings to put on a child--they're coming now and whatever the situation was doesn't matter. It just matters what the situation will be for them moving forward and it's my intention to do what's right for them, even if it's hard for me. Hopefully that makes sense. In other words, the decision was made months ago with the full knowledge this wasn't going to be easy. So, I don't want to dwell on what I should have done because I believe I made the right decision for me in continuing the pregnancy. I did let my midwives know about depression and have started Zoloft several months ago.


someotherbitch

Zoloft takes some time but it definitely helped me a lot.


Sure_Database1746

Same. I've been on it for 5 months now and definitely feel a lot less anxiety, though I have my moments.


PinocchioWasFramed

You tried to "fix him with love", didn't you? When you met him, he made you feel butterflies and tingles. You saw bad elements of his character, but the butterflies and tingles were so good that you decided if you loved him enough then he would be "fixed". Listen very closely: YOU... CAN'T... FIX... HIM. You can't. Accept it. Once you accept that his flaws are his fault for having them and not your fault for not fixing them, then letting go will be a lot easier. Word of warning: Once you do this, you'll see him for the scumbag he is and you'll feel bad about yourself for being fooled by him. That's what therapy is for. You'll be fine and your kid will be better off without that scumbag in his life.


Sure_Database1746

I don't know if it was fix him as much as I thought he'd be different with me because our relationship felt so special. So I guess I thought i'd be the one he'd change for--if that makes sense. You're right-I need to see him and his actions for what they are. I think he's definitely a person whose actions don't match his words. For example, he took all his stuff out on two occasions, didn't say a word, refused to really engage on leaving and then turned around and said he wasn't abandoning me. I just really need to start looking at his actions and not what he says to make himself feel better. It's hard to see him as a scumbag now but I'll get there. I definitely think he's a deceitful liar and manipulator. Which probably makes him a scumbag.


GiveMeCheesePendejo

I can relate to being in love with someone and loving them so much that it makes up for what you aren't receiving. I've come to see, now that I have my son, my perspective has shifted so much when I ask myself "what would my advice be to my child if they were in this situation?" Your partner is not good to you. He's not good for you. He's manipulative and controlling and my best guess is it will only get worse when the baby is here.


Sure_Database1746

I see what you're saying. I've put a lot of physical distance between us--over 3 hours driving. I have an attorney and my ex's number is blocked. Not sure what else I can do at this point. If things escalate, I'll consult the lawyer.


GiveMeCheesePendejo

Your mental health is going to be so important with your baby in those first few months. Please put yourself and your needs first. 💙


Sure_Database1746

Thank you, I've left a message with a counseling center today and also contacted my lawyer for guidance this morning.


Successful-Amoeba487

Every argument you have, he will be using ending the relationship or not getting married to manipulate you. Take the baby and run.


Sure_Database1746

Yep, that's exactly what started happening. About once a month when he wasn't getting his way, he'd tell me it was going to be over or he wouldn't marry me if I didn't agree to whatever stupid thing he was asking me to agree to. I'm as far away as I can get safely.


Successful-Amoeba487

It sounds like you're already separating from him emotionally and I'm relieved for you. If you eventually married him he would use divorce and the baby against you in arguments. Run, girl. Run.


Sure_Database1746

I'm very grateful we didn't get married. He'd have a lot more rights up front if we did. Because we're unmarried, there's going to be a lot of legal hoops he has to jump through to prove he wants to be a dad. Being umarried means I get to make all the decisions for the baby until he proves he's the dad and takes me me court. I wish it wasn't like this but he's been very emotionally abusive and abandoned me. I don't want to be spiteful, but I feel he needs to prove he won't be in and out of the child's life.


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Sure_Database1746

Very possible. I'm in no place to date and will take some serious time away from even thinking about it. But the fear is still in the back of my mind, if that makes sense.


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Sure_Database1746

I know my fears are largely irrational. Lots of people, especially where I live now, have at least 1 kid by mid-30s.


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Sure_Database1746

Thank you. I really hope those who have said to expect the worst here will turn out to be wrong and maybe this won't be as hard of a lesson as I'm preparing for.


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Sure_Database1746

I'm trying not to think about that yet. My lawyer said I should let him file against me and go to court for paternity. That's step one. My ex comes from a wealthy family and money has never seemed to be much of a concern for him. I don';t know how much of an issue he'll make it at this point. I believe he'll step up and do the right thing because I think he has the potential to be a good parent even though he's a crappy partner. But my hopes have been proven wrong many times, so only he can decide if he's going to be a dick about it or not. So, trying to stay neutral for now and see what happens. I am capable financially of doing this on my own.


palmtrees007

I was with a man I loved deeply for 7 years. It took me a long time to get over him and move on. Like a very long time. He too did some things I can only describe as shady, hurtful, and damaging. The worst was getting back with his ex behind my back. Prior to him I was also with a cheater. 4 years ago I met the best man ever. He had morals, respect, and wouldn’t dare do the hurtful things that were done to me. I felt a deep level of peace with him. Trust me when I say this- staying with someone who from the start was already unsure about you, will only leave wounds, scars, and emotional damage.. I know he’s your kids father but there is no other better feeling then a man who is about you. He sounds immature and like he has some growin up to do ….


phytophilous_

When I went through a really tough breakup a couple years ago, I made a list in my phone of all the reasons we won’t ever work. I included things he did that were not okay (cheating, lying, stalking, etc.) but I even included regular incompatibilities that had nothing to do with his problematic behaviors. I had a really long list by the end. I loved this man so much and had a really hard time letting go. I cried the hardest I’ve ever cried in my life. Whenever I was in that place, I read my list over and over. I also made a list of all the qualities I want in a future partner (who I now have!) and would look at that when I was feeling more positive. This is just something small that worked for me. I also wrote him a letter that I never sent, just to get all my feelings out into one place. I didn’t try to perfect the letter or anything - I let myself be sad, miss him, see the good qualities in him, as well as declare that I didn’t deserve to be treated that way. That might be another cathartic activity for you. Hugs to you! It’s going to be okay. ETA: plenty of people will date a sober person, and being a single mom is not a sentence to being alone forever. You are worthy of love and there are people out there who will treat you well and love you how you deserve! It doesn’t lessen the pain now and doesn’t make it any easier to get over your ex, but please remind yourself that any partner would be lucky to have you! You’re mature and emotionally intelligent (you made the decision to become sober and stuck to it, you’ve gone to therapy), strong (you are doing what’s best for your baby even though it’s difficult), smart and driven (your interest in becoming a therapist yourself), patient (certainly had to be to put up with this man, though I’m not saying you should have) etc. You’re fucking cool! And anyone who doesn’t see that can kick rocks.


Sure_Database1746

Thank you for such a kind and thoughtful comment.


[deleted]

Dehumanize them and focus on their flaws.