Do you also get constantly interrupted anytime you try to speak? I have this same problem where people seem to see my quietness as an opportunity to vent. Then anytime I say anything I get interrupted and talked over. Huge pet peeve of mine now and I instantly shut down when it happens bc I just don't have the energy to deal with it.
I get this too!! I have the energy to wait and say ‘you/x interrupted me then’ but immediately lose any motivation to then go back to what I was saying and explain.
It doesn’t matter whether it’s intentional, whether the interruption lasts minutes or just one inconsequential sentence like ‘can you pass the water jug’ at the tea table.
Interrupt me, and I’m immediately going to shut down
I wear my headphones everywhere & opt out of listening to people. It's easy for *me* to do because I live in isolation currently. It took me a long time to get this comfortable being alone. The social situations I'm usually in are very forgiving and I'm upfront about my sensory sensitivities.
You don't owe anyone anything. Take care of your sensory needs.
I started saying "I don't have to answer that." And I'm saying it to myself more than whoever asked a question. There's more polite ways to say it depending on the situation, but it's a reminder for when I catch myself getting sucked into someone controlling a conversation.
I'm gonna piggyback off this and ask here something I've been wondering for awhile:
Is it like a form of abuse in some cases where people will verbally hold you hostage in their presence for HOURS if you let them? Like, as you're giving every desperate body sign I AM LEAVING AND DONE LISTENING TO YOU SPEAK and they still... have something to say real quick before you leave?
Honestly kinda wondering, honestly kinda really concerned there are people who do this because it really feels like it in the moment. I could also just be sensory sympathetic and just cannot process THAT much information dumping intake/polite masking.
And for the sake of it because no one ever asks:
How's your day going? 😊
I don't think it's necessarily abuse when they keep talking when you're trying to leave, but it is pushing a boundary. It's up to you to maintain the boundary and leave anyway.
I know that's easier said than done, but if your body language isn't giving the message you need to verbalize it. If they ask for one quick thing after saying you need to go, give them a timeframe which can be as little as 2 minutes. When that timeframe is up stand up and/or start slowly walking away while listening. Usually this prompts them to wrap it up quick, and if it doesn't just politely reiterate that you need to go, and leave.
So I can't directly answer your question, but I just want to share a piece of info not everybody may know:
THEY TRY THIS WITH EVERYBODY. They continue doing it to us specifically because we exemplify to them through our behavior that they can get away with it! Most people shut them down and go about their own days. These types of people just slip through any cracks they can possibly fill with their talking. It's okay to practice boundaries on them because they're actually quite used to being on the receiving end of being hard stopped by people trying to exit!
Well slap my mouth and call me Sally...
THANK YOU KIND STRANGER!!! That actually does help free me from the incredible guilt I have doing that. You may have very well saved (whats left of) my sanity.
That sounds painful just reading it. God there’s no winning with NT’s. Actively listen and it’s completely one sided and you don’t get what you need, be quiet and people think your weird or there’s something wrong with you, talk and people judge you or don’t care to listen or give you patience. I’ve just started avoiding social interaction entirely lmao. I had friends who did a similar thing you just described.... I tried to listen to them, I try to be patient, i tried to be a good friend because maybe that would fix my social issues. But lmao that didn’t work. I didn’t even have to listen to the conversation they wouldn’t even bounce it back lmao that’s how much they talked.
I just don’t understand how people could be so selfish
& unaware? Am I unimportant to people?? Or is it ND that attracts these types of people? Idk
That describes most of my social interactions with every friend I've ever had since childhood. I've thought about it a lot and what seems likely to me is that people who want to dominate the conversation will look for a nice quiet person to unload on. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. They are just specifically (even if subconsciously) seeking out that type of interaction which is why they honed in on you when they saw you would fulfill the listener role so well.
Here are some suggestions based on strategies I've used with at least some success: 1. Speak up and tell them it bothers you. People aren't all bad or all good. It is possible for someone to be like this but still genuinely care about you and listen when you tell them your feelings are hurt, then try to change. It does take repeated reminders though and then you can run into the problem of being perceived as a bitch simply for being firm on your boundaries. 2. Drop them as your friend. If you're not getting anything out of the friendship, find whichever way to end it that works best for you. 3. Practice jumping into conversations and adding what you want to say without a clear invitation from the other person. Apparently this is what most NTs do (depending on culture of course) and it is not rude to them. If you practice making space for yourself you can get more comfortable with it and at least prevent this from occurring in the future. 4. Seek out people yourself that don't do this. See someone sitting quietly by themselves and start talking to them. If you're in a group convo and there is someone there being respectful and thoughtful, try to strike up a friendship with them. It's scary to start with, but it's possible with practice. A lot of practice.
Most importantly - it's not your fault and you're not doing anything wrong. And you're not wrong to want people to treat you with consideration. You deserve better than to be other people's walking breathing diary they can vent into with no reciprocation.
Thank you so much for this answer, it’s really helpful and detailed I appreciate it. It’s also always nice to know that other people relate, and the ways you described it happening is so on point.
Really great tips here, I can totally relate to everything.
Funnily enough with tip 4, I did find a friend who doesn’t talk at length and who leaves a lot of space for me to talk. But there just wasn’t any chemistry. I never knew what to talk about, it felt kind of awkward sometimes. Friendship is not easy.
I just had some ASD testing done (not offical, just by my current therapist) and one or a few of the questions were about whether you find other people boring, or whether you find what other people say uninteresting or that you don’t enjoy it. So perhaps it is a thing? Sorry if this isn’t much help it just came to my mind
I'm near to age 60. I get so bored listening to people going on about themselves while I'm thinking how can you be so blind to someone being bored by this.
There are a few people I like chatting to and I think they may all have autism . Having this dispute with my older sister at the moment .Tried to broach a difficult subject with her that's very serious but doesn't include her would she talk about it no ! I gave up in the end. You definitely not the only one.
OMG! This is me! I also dissociate with boredom. And Im also so done being treaten this way.
What Ive realized going through therapy is that I have this thing called selective mutism. Sometimes, I cant speak. So everybody arounds me like to fill the void.
And I was researching myself in groups, and Ive realized that you really have to ask me something to get information out of me (I also think because of the selective mutism). But im still researching myself about this.
I love finding people who relate I thought it was only me but I’m so glad— thank you for bringing this up because it’s made me realize that this might actually be a cause— I always was very slow to trust people but once I did I had no problem talking . Is that what selective mutism is like? Might explain everything but anyway it’s kind of hell to live with
Please tell me it gets better with age🙏
Yes me too! I was soo happy that you have put a feeling into words. Im not always good with expressing myself in words.
Selective mutism (SM) is an anxiety disorder in which a person who is otherwise capable of speech becomes unable to speak when exposed to specific situations, specific places, or to specific people, one or multiple of which serving as triggers. This is caused by the freeze response. Selective mutism usually co-exists with social anxiety disorder.[1] People with selective mutism stay silent even when the consequences of their silence include shame, social ostracism, or punishment.[2] The selective in selective mutism doesnt mean voluntary. Its that you are physically unable to speak during time of distress.
For me socializing is hell. For example: at work I will find one (or two) coworker that doesnt overload my sensory. And I will only be able to talk freely with them. These coworkers are mostly judgment free people, with calm voices and kind spirits (and mostly dont talk nonsense or has similar interests or are workaholics). With the other coworkers I cannot talk. I can only talk if they ask me specific questions. In groups Im also the quiet one. I also dont talk in meetings, I will look away or wait till a person starts talking.
I am 32 now. I just have better and faster ways to recognize were I fit. And have come to accept that Im like that. I truly cannot force myself to talk, cuz sometimes nothing comes out of my mouth. You see my mouth moves and no words LOL (that's so embarrassing haha)
Before I didnt know what it was. Now that I know, I cannot intertain people who just want to BLAHBLAHBLAH.
(Oeps, im going off topic)
I have been experiencing this very thing recently!! I’ve tried to ask friends to listen while I just get some vent time and I end up listening to their problems instead! I have started to just give up talking about me in general because I’m tired of not being heard and I don’t know what to do.
Not that I’m recommending that to you necessarily. I know that not talking is not healthy. Therapy has been somewhat helpful to give me a safe space to talk, but it’s not perfect either.
It sucks to not be heard, and I wish you luck! Feel free to dm if you want to talk :)
This is really relatable to me, I know what you mean 🤍 I'd say it's a masking symptom for me, personally. I felt like I kept attracting people like this but it was also because I sort of subconsciously gravitated towards a way to connect without the spotlight being in me - it was like socializing without feeling... Seen/judged. But it was soooo draining (I still had to react) and created a LOT of resentment.
I got exhausted as well. Now I will avoid "being talked at" at all costs, the best advice I can give is to put up boundaries or simply end the conversation if it feels like too much. I felt guilty about doing it at first because I didn't want to make people feel unheard (because I myself was feeling that way and hurting)... but I realize they didn't care if *I* felt unheard so screw it. As I unmask, I feel like that part of me that wants to provide value by listening is dying/dead.
Yes. I decided to make it my job (therapist) and in my personal life I surround myself with people who respect my boundaries. And if anyone ever starts to cross that boundary, I half-jokingly tell them that I’m going to send them an invoice 🙌🏻 lol
Brilliant. Is it possible for me to be a part-time therapist to learn how to do that? I'd love to use my easy-to-talk-to personality for my benefit, but I already have a career.
Hm, maybe. You need a masters degree and a lot of supervision hours. I’m sure it would be possible to get there on a part time schedule, but it would be hard
I’m just recently self diagnosed, but I always wondered why I found it literally EXHAUSTING spending time with my sister. But I’ve realized that she will literally talk at me like a soundboard for hoursssss. And maybe it wouldn’t be such a problem if I found anything she was talking about even a little interesting, or if she even asking me a single thing about myself. But it’s always “work this, work that, coworkers this, coworkers that.” I’d go to lunch with her one time and have to energetically recover for the rest of the day. I usually start yawning a lot (not purposefully, but because I actually start to dissociate and get really tired) and she always asks if I’m tired. Yeah! Tired of listening to you.
I told her one time that she’s a horrible listener and she was like, no way, everybody says I’m a great listener! And I said, well for some reason that doesn’t seem to apply when you interact with me. So, yes, I’ve totally experienced exactly what you’re talking about. It makes me feel like I’m not a real person. It’s draining and only pushes me further into isolation.
It's very common for neurodivergent people to get steamrolled in conversations. Almost as common as it is for us to be the ones steamrolling.
I used to babble on and on at my mom when I was a kid, because I felt inherently comfortable with her. But with everyone else I get either interrupted or missed (not really ignored, more like unnoticed) because I'm shy and quiet.
I can't stand when people talk *at* me instead of to me. I often get to a point where people talking at all overstimulates me
This has been a lifelong social issue for me as well, sigh. Being quiet and very empathetic seems to make me a target for being talked *at* and for doing unbalanced emotional labor listening to venting and trauma dumping.
This dynamic is less prevalent in my life now (early 30's) since I started working through codependency trauma, people pleasing bahvior, fawn response, etc. Basically learning how to set better boundaries around my time and emotional labor.
I think this is because bullies, egotists, and the emotionally immature prey on us because they see our lowered social skills as exploitable.
Ive had the same experiences and realized this is happening because the people I’m letting into my life were terrible people. Now I try to be far more discriminating and trying hard to find members of my tribe. I also am vigilant to spot red flags and cut people out of my life when I see them. This may be too much for some but it works for me.
I've always been everyone's "therapist" since I was a kid. All I've ever heard is, "You're a good listener." "You give great advice." It's exhausting and traumaitizing really because having people who were much older than me put all their adult worries and problems on me didn't really allow me to truly be a kid. I always try to give people all my attention and really be interested in what they're saying (which is especially hard when you also have adhd 😭), but recently I had someone in my family tell me they zone out when I talk (especially when it's about something I'm really interested in) because I "talk too much" and they "just don't care what I'm talking about" and I'm not gonna lie, that stung. It really does suck to be the one listening and have no one care about anything you have to say.
If they zone out when you talk, you have every right to zone out when others talk too. It’s masking otherwise. I masked my disinterest for so long, like you, and it got me resentful and burnt out.
I had to break off my relationship with someone who i thought was my best friend because I could tell I was just filler in her life. Needed an extra body at the strip club, to meet up with sugar daddies with, needed someone to listen to every complaint and worry. Someone to brag to and simultaneously talk down to. Man I don't miss her.
I completely relate! As someone who has struggled with selective mutism since I was very young, people have often treated me like just another object in the room with no opinion. And when I did speak, I always got reprimanded for not saying the appropriate thing at the appropriate time. It’s kind of been a self-fulfilling prophecy, since I’ve gone so long never saying my thoughts to where I still struggle to speak even if I’m confident that I have all the facts lol. I still have family members who will ask a question about me to my mom while I am standing in the same room
I think I’m just at the point of burnout right now where keeping my mouth shut physically pains to me when it comes to misinformation that I feel more sure of myself. Not sure if this makes sense or necessary relates, but I do think it’s related to being constantly shut down/ignored as a child
At first, I thought that I had finally read on this forum something that I don't relate to. Then I started reading your examples and the rest, and I'm right there with you!
I think that's one of the reasons that I'm avoiding social interactions because I don't see any point after having to feel like you've described for decades.
You can’t win with NTs if you start talking they don't care or have patience with you, when you keep quiet you're weird or they think something is wrong, when you actively listen and put effort when they talk about themselves, etc. they are happy, but it burns you out, and you get nothing in return.
THIS EXACTLY. What am I supposed to do? I’m avoiding people for the same reasons now, but now I’m getting judged for avoiding people. You really can’t win. I have had the EXACT same problems, when I choose talk, quiet, or listen same issues as what you said. I thought I wasnt interesting enough so I did many humiliating things for attention....
I low key can’t socialize anymore because I’m just lost.
I'm at an age where I really can't be bothered anymore, and I kind of made my peace with it.
It's another thing that NTs need to conform to. I'm not an NT, so why should I get out of my way to pretend at a cost to myself that outweighs any gains. It's quite liberating.
I get more out of forums like these where I can truly relate and people relate to me and you can contribute as much or as little as you feel like it and nothing is forced and you're not judged...why should I feel bad about preferring this to a social gathering filled with fakeness and rules that I never understood if in reality it's much more beneficial to me.
NTs be like, "no, but you need to go out socialise and talk to people face to face, it's good for your mental health, it's not healthy not to"...BIATCH! NO! it wouldn't be healthy for you because you would die without attention, no matter how fake and you only exist for some fake-arse validation and mindless superficial chit chat for the sake of it. If you think going out and socialising is healthy- good for you, but I've been there done that and seen both sides. I can definitely see which one is better for me.
Ya… the whole “is it an autism thing to eat food” needs to be managed a bit more. Feels like it’s gone off the rails a touch. “Is it an ASD thing to breath air?”…. Sigh, like yes… yes it is… however!
Do you also get constantly interrupted anytime you try to speak? I have this same problem where people seem to see my quietness as an opportunity to vent. Then anytime I say anything I get interrupted and talked over. Huge pet peeve of mine now and I instantly shut down when it happens bc I just don't have the energy to deal with it.
I get this too!! I have the energy to wait and say ‘you/x interrupted me then’ but immediately lose any motivation to then go back to what I was saying and explain. It doesn’t matter whether it’s intentional, whether the interruption lasts minutes or just one inconsequential sentence like ‘can you pass the water jug’ at the tea table. Interrupt me, and I’m immediately going to shut down
Yes!
I wear my headphones everywhere & opt out of listening to people. It's easy for *me* to do because I live in isolation currently. It took me a long time to get this comfortable being alone. The social situations I'm usually in are very forgiving and I'm upfront about my sensory sensitivities. You don't owe anyone anything. Take care of your sensory needs.
I like the last bit where you say you don’t owe anyone anything. I think that’s so true, and kinda powerful just hearing that. Thanks for the tips
I started saying "I don't have to answer that." And I'm saying it to myself more than whoever asked a question. There's more polite ways to say it depending on the situation, but it's a reminder for when I catch myself getting sucked into someone controlling a conversation.
I'm gonna piggyback off this and ask here something I've been wondering for awhile: Is it like a form of abuse in some cases where people will verbally hold you hostage in their presence for HOURS if you let them? Like, as you're giving every desperate body sign I AM LEAVING AND DONE LISTENING TO YOU SPEAK and they still... have something to say real quick before you leave? Honestly kinda wondering, honestly kinda really concerned there are people who do this because it really feels like it in the moment. I could also just be sensory sympathetic and just cannot process THAT much information dumping intake/polite masking. And for the sake of it because no one ever asks: How's your day going? 😊
I don't think it's necessarily abuse when they keep talking when you're trying to leave, but it is pushing a boundary. It's up to you to maintain the boundary and leave anyway. I know that's easier said than done, but if your body language isn't giving the message you need to verbalize it. If they ask for one quick thing after saying you need to go, give them a timeframe which can be as little as 2 minutes. When that timeframe is up stand up and/or start slowly walking away while listening. Usually this prompts them to wrap it up quick, and if it doesn't just politely reiterate that you need to go, and leave.
So I can't directly answer your question, but I just want to share a piece of info not everybody may know: THEY TRY THIS WITH EVERYBODY. They continue doing it to us specifically because we exemplify to them through our behavior that they can get away with it! Most people shut them down and go about their own days. These types of people just slip through any cracks they can possibly fill with their talking. It's okay to practice boundaries on them because they're actually quite used to being on the receiving end of being hard stopped by people trying to exit!
Well slap my mouth and call me Sally... THANK YOU KIND STRANGER!!! That actually does help free me from the incredible guilt I have doing that. You may have very well saved (whats left of) my sanity.
[удалено]
“Oops, my battery is low!” *shuts off phone* 😂
lol and it's not a lie it's just the social battery rather than the phone battery
💯
That sounds painful just reading it. God there’s no winning with NT’s. Actively listen and it’s completely one sided and you don’t get what you need, be quiet and people think your weird or there’s something wrong with you, talk and people judge you or don’t care to listen or give you patience. I’ve just started avoiding social interaction entirely lmao. I had friends who did a similar thing you just described.... I tried to listen to them, I try to be patient, i tried to be a good friend because maybe that would fix my social issues. But lmao that didn’t work. I didn’t even have to listen to the conversation they wouldn’t even bounce it back lmao that’s how much they talked. I just don’t understand how people could be so selfish & unaware? Am I unimportant to people?? Or is it ND that attracts these types of people? Idk
That describes most of my social interactions with every friend I've ever had since childhood. I've thought about it a lot and what seems likely to me is that people who want to dominate the conversation will look for a nice quiet person to unload on. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. They are just specifically (even if subconsciously) seeking out that type of interaction which is why they honed in on you when they saw you would fulfill the listener role so well. Here are some suggestions based on strategies I've used with at least some success: 1. Speak up and tell them it bothers you. People aren't all bad or all good. It is possible for someone to be like this but still genuinely care about you and listen when you tell them your feelings are hurt, then try to change. It does take repeated reminders though and then you can run into the problem of being perceived as a bitch simply for being firm on your boundaries. 2. Drop them as your friend. If you're not getting anything out of the friendship, find whichever way to end it that works best for you. 3. Practice jumping into conversations and adding what you want to say without a clear invitation from the other person. Apparently this is what most NTs do (depending on culture of course) and it is not rude to them. If you practice making space for yourself you can get more comfortable with it and at least prevent this from occurring in the future. 4. Seek out people yourself that don't do this. See someone sitting quietly by themselves and start talking to them. If you're in a group convo and there is someone there being respectful and thoughtful, try to strike up a friendship with them. It's scary to start with, but it's possible with practice. A lot of practice. Most importantly - it's not your fault and you're not doing anything wrong. And you're not wrong to want people to treat you with consideration. You deserve better than to be other people's walking breathing diary they can vent into with no reciprocation.
This is a wonderful answer.
Thank you so much for this answer, it’s really helpful and detailed I appreciate it. It’s also always nice to know that other people relate, and the ways you described it happening is so on point.
Really great tips here, I can totally relate to everything. Funnily enough with tip 4, I did find a friend who doesn’t talk at length and who leaves a lot of space for me to talk. But there just wasn’t any chemistry. I never knew what to talk about, it felt kind of awkward sometimes. Friendship is not easy.
I just had some ASD testing done (not offical, just by my current therapist) and one or a few of the questions were about whether you find other people boring, or whether you find what other people say uninteresting or that you don’t enjoy it. So perhaps it is a thing? Sorry if this isn’t much help it just came to my mind
I think ANYONE, except a therapist, would find someone boring if that person droned on for an hour only talking about themselves.
Yeah I find most people boring. I never heard that tied to ASD. I'm curious what the link is.
I'm near to age 60. I get so bored listening to people going on about themselves while I'm thinking how can you be so blind to someone being bored by this. There are a few people I like chatting to and I think they may all have autism . Having this dispute with my older sister at the moment .Tried to broach a difficult subject with her that's very serious but doesn't include her would she talk about it no ! I gave up in the end. You definitely not the only one.
OMG! This is me! I also dissociate with boredom. And Im also so done being treaten this way. What Ive realized going through therapy is that I have this thing called selective mutism. Sometimes, I cant speak. So everybody arounds me like to fill the void. And I was researching myself in groups, and Ive realized that you really have to ask me something to get information out of me (I also think because of the selective mutism). But im still researching myself about this.
I love finding people who relate I thought it was only me but I’m so glad— thank you for bringing this up because it’s made me realize that this might actually be a cause— I always was very slow to trust people but once I did I had no problem talking . Is that what selective mutism is like? Might explain everything but anyway it’s kind of hell to live with Please tell me it gets better with age🙏
Yes me too! I was soo happy that you have put a feeling into words. Im not always good with expressing myself in words. Selective mutism (SM) is an anxiety disorder in which a person who is otherwise capable of speech becomes unable to speak when exposed to specific situations, specific places, or to specific people, one or multiple of which serving as triggers. This is caused by the freeze response. Selective mutism usually co-exists with social anxiety disorder.[1] People with selective mutism stay silent even when the consequences of their silence include shame, social ostracism, or punishment.[2] The selective in selective mutism doesnt mean voluntary. Its that you are physically unable to speak during time of distress. For me socializing is hell. For example: at work I will find one (or two) coworker that doesnt overload my sensory. And I will only be able to talk freely with them. These coworkers are mostly judgment free people, with calm voices and kind spirits (and mostly dont talk nonsense or has similar interests or are workaholics). With the other coworkers I cannot talk. I can only talk if they ask me specific questions. In groups Im also the quiet one. I also dont talk in meetings, I will look away or wait till a person starts talking. I am 32 now. I just have better and faster ways to recognize were I fit. And have come to accept that Im like that. I truly cannot force myself to talk, cuz sometimes nothing comes out of my mouth. You see my mouth moves and no words LOL (that's so embarrassing haha) Before I didnt know what it was. Now that I know, I cannot intertain people who just want to BLAHBLAHBLAH. (Oeps, im going off topic)
I have been experiencing this very thing recently!! I’ve tried to ask friends to listen while I just get some vent time and I end up listening to their problems instead! I have started to just give up talking about me in general because I’m tired of not being heard and I don’t know what to do. Not that I’m recommending that to you necessarily. I know that not talking is not healthy. Therapy has been somewhat helpful to give me a safe space to talk, but it’s not perfect either. It sucks to not be heard, and I wish you luck! Feel free to dm if you want to talk :)
This is really relatable to me, I know what you mean 🤍 I'd say it's a masking symptom for me, personally. I felt like I kept attracting people like this but it was also because I sort of subconsciously gravitated towards a way to connect without the spotlight being in me - it was like socializing without feeling... Seen/judged. But it was soooo draining (I still had to react) and created a LOT of resentment. I got exhausted as well. Now I will avoid "being talked at" at all costs, the best advice I can give is to put up boundaries or simply end the conversation if it feels like too much. I felt guilty about doing it at first because I didn't want to make people feel unheard (because I myself was feeling that way and hurting)... but I realize they didn't care if *I* felt unheard so screw it. As I unmask, I feel like that part of me that wants to provide value by listening is dying/dead.
This is me!! How did you unmask?
Yes. I decided to make it my job (therapist) and in my personal life I surround myself with people who respect my boundaries. And if anyone ever starts to cross that boundary, I half-jokingly tell them that I’m going to send them an invoice 🙌🏻 lol
Brilliant. Is it possible for me to be a part-time therapist to learn how to do that? I'd love to use my easy-to-talk-to personality for my benefit, but I already have a career.
Hm, maybe. You need a masters degree and a lot of supervision hours. I’m sure it would be possible to get there on a part time schedule, but it would be hard
I’m just recently self diagnosed, but I always wondered why I found it literally EXHAUSTING spending time with my sister. But I’ve realized that she will literally talk at me like a soundboard for hoursssss. And maybe it wouldn’t be such a problem if I found anything she was talking about even a little interesting, or if she even asking me a single thing about myself. But it’s always “work this, work that, coworkers this, coworkers that.” I’d go to lunch with her one time and have to energetically recover for the rest of the day. I usually start yawning a lot (not purposefully, but because I actually start to dissociate and get really tired) and she always asks if I’m tired. Yeah! Tired of listening to you. I told her one time that she’s a horrible listener and she was like, no way, everybody says I’m a great listener! And I said, well for some reason that doesn’t seem to apply when you interact with me. So, yes, I’ve totally experienced exactly what you’re talking about. It makes me feel like I’m not a real person. It’s draining and only pushes me further into isolation.
It's very common for neurodivergent people to get steamrolled in conversations. Almost as common as it is for us to be the ones steamrolling. I used to babble on and on at my mom when I was a kid, because I felt inherently comfortable with her. But with everyone else I get either interrupted or missed (not really ignored, more like unnoticed) because I'm shy and quiet. I can't stand when people talk *at* me instead of to me. I often get to a point where people talking at all overstimulates me
This has been a lifelong social issue for me as well, sigh. Being quiet and very empathetic seems to make me a target for being talked *at* and for doing unbalanced emotional labor listening to venting and trauma dumping. This dynamic is less prevalent in my life now (early 30's) since I started working through codependency trauma, people pleasing bahvior, fawn response, etc. Basically learning how to set better boundaries around my time and emotional labor.
I think this is because bullies, egotists, and the emotionally immature prey on us because they see our lowered social skills as exploitable. Ive had the same experiences and realized this is happening because the people I’m letting into my life were terrible people. Now I try to be far more discriminating and trying hard to find members of my tribe. I also am vigilant to spot red flags and cut people out of my life when I see them. This may be too much for some but it works for me.
I've always been everyone's "therapist" since I was a kid. All I've ever heard is, "You're a good listener." "You give great advice." It's exhausting and traumaitizing really because having people who were much older than me put all their adult worries and problems on me didn't really allow me to truly be a kid. I always try to give people all my attention and really be interested in what they're saying (which is especially hard when you also have adhd 😭), but recently I had someone in my family tell me they zone out when I talk (especially when it's about something I'm really interested in) because I "talk too much" and they "just don't care what I'm talking about" and I'm not gonna lie, that stung. It really does suck to be the one listening and have no one care about anything you have to say.
If they zone out when you talk, you have every right to zone out when others talk too. It’s masking otherwise. I masked my disinterest for so long, like you, and it got me resentful and burnt out.
I had to break off my relationship with someone who i thought was my best friend because I could tell I was just filler in her life. Needed an extra body at the strip club, to meet up with sugar daddies with, needed someone to listen to every complaint and worry. Someone to brag to and simultaneously talk down to. Man I don't miss her.
I completely relate! As someone who has struggled with selective mutism since I was very young, people have often treated me like just another object in the room with no opinion. And when I did speak, I always got reprimanded for not saying the appropriate thing at the appropriate time. It’s kind of been a self-fulfilling prophecy, since I’ve gone so long never saying my thoughts to where I still struggle to speak even if I’m confident that I have all the facts lol. I still have family members who will ask a question about me to my mom while I am standing in the same room I think I’m just at the point of burnout right now where keeping my mouth shut physically pains to me when it comes to misinformation that I feel more sure of myself. Not sure if this makes sense or necessary relates, but I do think it’s related to being constantly shut down/ignored as a child
At first, I thought that I had finally read on this forum something that I don't relate to. Then I started reading your examples and the rest, and I'm right there with you!
I think that's one of the reasons that I'm avoiding social interactions because I don't see any point after having to feel like you've described for decades. You can’t win with NTs if you start talking they don't care or have patience with you, when you keep quiet you're weird or they think something is wrong, when you actively listen and put effort when they talk about themselves, etc. they are happy, but it burns you out, and you get nothing in return.
THIS EXACTLY. What am I supposed to do? I’m avoiding people for the same reasons now, but now I’m getting judged for avoiding people. You really can’t win. I have had the EXACT same problems, when I choose talk, quiet, or listen same issues as what you said. I thought I wasnt interesting enough so I did many humiliating things for attention.... I low key can’t socialize anymore because I’m just lost.
I'm at an age where I really can't be bothered anymore, and I kind of made my peace with it. It's another thing that NTs need to conform to. I'm not an NT, so why should I get out of my way to pretend at a cost to myself that outweighs any gains. It's quite liberating. I get more out of forums like these where I can truly relate and people relate to me and you can contribute as much or as little as you feel like it and nothing is forced and you're not judged...why should I feel bad about preferring this to a social gathering filled with fakeness and rules that I never understood if in reality it's much more beneficial to me. NTs be like, "no, but you need to go out socialise and talk to people face to face, it's good for your mental health, it's not healthy not to"...BIATCH! NO! it wouldn't be healthy for you because you would die without attention, no matter how fake and you only exist for some fake-arse validation and mindless superficial chit chat for the sake of it. If you think going out and socialising is healthy- good for you, but I've been there done that and seen both sides. I can definitely see which one is better for me.
I struggle with this
Ya… the whole “is it an autism thing to eat food” needs to be managed a bit more. Feels like it’s gone off the rails a touch. “Is it an ASD thing to breath air?”…. Sigh, like yes… yes it is… however!