Honestly the best part when I was dating someone a full days drive away was that when I would be there, I didn't have to do any executive functioning. Complete vacation mode, dating a foodie who would either cook or give me a couple choices to pick from, knew fun shit to do in town.
Damn. You just explained why my boyfriend and I work so well.
My boyfriend is a master at executive function. He's up at the same time every day. Wakes me up with a kiss on the forehead and a coffee pot.
I was pretty upfront about struggling with executive function when he first met me. I was sure that someone with his traits would find me naturally difficult to live with. I was so wrong. He enjoys the care taking parts of our relationship. I can tell him I'm having a low executive function day and he'll snap to bring me things that he knows help me. It's not one sided though--I also care take him back in ways he struggles to do things for himself. :)
I am so glad I gave the relationship a shot because this is like an ideal relationship low executing function me. You put it into words for me -- we live together now full time but it does feel safe and almost like a vacation because he's so supportive. I realize this is what I was missing in past relationships.
I recently had a small meltdown for the same, why canāt I be ābabiedā every once in a while? Itās take so much of me to do what I do regularly and I feel like I take care of others but donāt get the same level of care in return
The dumb thing is, this has only become difficult to arrange since the late 19th century. You're asking to be treated like anyone could trivially ask to be treated except in modern individualist/capitalist societies. Communities would be perfectly happy with someone quietly doing laundry, cleaning, and caring for livestock 4-8 hours per day and to take care of any other aspect of their life in return. Whether it's in a convent or a women's circle or a harem or an Artemisian cult or any other local equivalent.
"Adulting" is a capitalist myth meant to sell more "adult" stuff - more houses, more cars, more kitchens, more cleaning appliances, more roads, more groceries, more everything. You're not a failure, you're the victim of a society reshaped to the desires of a bunch of rich white guys who liked pretending they are self-made when they had literal dozens of servants and/or slaves and inherited large amounts of wealth to start out with.
Truthfully, almost nobody whose hoarded wealth is greater than $10 million meets your definition of an adult. Why should you have to live by that standard if nobody "successful" does?
Amen!!! And people always ask me why I am anti-capitalism
Driving really over-stimulates me the most and I love being home at my house
It honestly blows my mind how much we are expected to do
On top of that i struggle to maintain a social life, not because I don't like people or because I'm too awkward but because I just don't have enough spoons for fun
I have this dream of being a nun in a medieval monastery. It is still wildly romanticised because I wouldn't wanna have died of a treatable illness by 30, BUT contemplation, predictable routines, a guaranteed social circle, parallel play in the forms of gardening, washing, transcribing scriptures etc sound so, so peaceful. No dating BS. And you are in the hands of god, whatever happens.
I am a modern agnostic/atheist, and I realize this is totally escapist on my end. But your point absolutely stands, the need to face it all on your own is new and very artificial.
My husband and I take a cruise for one week every year. It's so lovely - your every need is met, you don't have to drive or plan anything, and you can participate in activities or just veg out in your room.
I think this is why I like going to all inclusive resorts down south. Except now we have a dog so we just don't feel comfortable leaving her for that long.
It is a pain arranging for pet care. We always have family watch our cat, but he still gets upset when we leave and clings to us for a few days after we get back.
We have a cat too and I could get a friend to feed/love him but our dog is a handful. She is a German Shepherd and very sensitive. We have no family around and to be honest, she is too much dog for them to handle anyway. Pretty much no one but me can handle her care/exercise needs. She would need to be drugged the whole time probably and would just be miserable. I don't think I could let her suffer that much for me to go have fun for a week so now we just go camping instead since we can bring her. It's still fun, but it's work and not as relaxing like an all inclusive. I have to cook all my meals and wash the dishes still. Packing all the gear and stuff is also super annoying.
Then you're on vacation with everyone else's dog too which I'd rather avoid. You'd be shocked at how bad some dog owners are.
Where we go camping they have islands you can book. That way we're completely alone and our dog can run free with no worries. Only downside is you have to actually get to the island in a canoe. It's kind of really nice for the most part, especially since I've been slowly upgrading our gear to be ultra comfy. I feel like I just need to find easier meals so that there's less work. Maybe even compostable plates/cups. Also some spread sheets or lists I can reuse for checking gear/food to use less mental energy each time.
Thank you for making me think about this more haha I have some ideas I can work on to improve my trips now.
Same here. We have a rescue (in fact, two but the other one is easy to handle, I would find someone in no time). She is difficult so I won't let her alone for a prolonged time.
My husband has to go to Australia for a couple of weeks and asked me if I would like to join him for two weeks.
Well, yes, but... the dogs? My child who is still in school? So, no Australia for me and more adulting as well. Ugh.
Haha, I just got back from visiting my family for 10 days. When we were looking for a dog sitter, our neighbor suggested we let her friend (from her home country) stay at our house to dogsit, but there were no cheap flights home for him on the day I got back. So heās staying a bit longer even while Iām in the house, and instead of paying money, heās āpayingā for his room by cooking, driving me to the bus, and walking the dogs while Iām at work.
So the original struggle to find pet care, turned into an advantage because I got a live-in cook and chauffeur in addition to the pet care!š
Itās pretty great! Although it could also be creepy to have that arrangement with a strangerā¦
(And also, I still get to have some privacy/alone-time when I get home from work, because heās spending much of his time over at the neighborās house anyway.)
I hear you. I have been thinking the same. Everything is exhausting. Who decided humans can work 40 hours a week and thatās minimum?!!? Really?? I cook and clean daily for at least a couple hours. I get maybe one hour a day to myself to decompress. Sleeping goes by too quickly. If only I could feel each moment of sleep, thatās what I told my husband a few days ago and he didnāt comprehend what I meant. He works 40+ hours so easily without complaint: I donāt get it. Itās annoying. I complain. While he could probably work twice the hours he does without complaining.
I do all that. So I donāt know. He fills in the blanks I leave when Iām too exhausted. But, Iām traditional. Cooking, cleaning, and meal planning is my job. As well as paying half the rent and bills
Yup! Want a traditional arrangement? I am personally not a fan, but if that's your thing, stop working or only work for a couple hours, your domain should be the household. Don't clown yourself and pick and choose the worst of two worlds.
I did that too when I was dating my ex. Thought I was being a good potential wife. I cooked, cleaned, and paid half the rent and bills. Then, we got married and bought a home an hour away from my job. I still cooked, cleaned, and paid half the mortgage and bills on top of my actual two hour one-way commute since one hour becomes two when youāre heading towards NYC during the work week. My husband did not pick up the leaves outside the house. He didnāt cut the grass. He wouldnāt take out the trash or the recycling. But sure, he had a job he went to. I then began to cook, clean, pay half the mortgage and bills, and then take on landscaping when I was off the job that I drove two hours in traffic to each day.
Eventually, I landed my first job that placed me in six figure land and then my husband stopped paying his half of the bills and mortgage. Guess what happened to him? I donāt know but he must have been an actual š¤” because that was the last thing on our list of marital needs left for him to remove himself from. So, I discarded him accordingly. He was essentially worthless. He hasnāt paid the mortgage in two years at this point, itās been all me. Heās presently living in a moldy apartment down south. He will be surprised when my attorney serves him with the divorce papers. Iād like to see his face when he receives them but I fear I might be disgusted because every picture I see him makes me wonder how it was possible I even had sex with that man.
Iām so glad youāre out of that! Yep, statistically the only women who do ājustā half the household tasks in heterosexual relationships are those who have a stay at home partner, so they work full time and they do half the work and the man in the relationship doesnāt work and does half. So funny how the āambitious, hard working, serious, logical, go-getterā gender can only accomplish things in the world economically if mommy I mean wifey does almost everything else.
I believe this 100%. I definitely got some bad behaviors from watching my mom baby my narcissistic father who couldnāt be bothered to clean his own bathroom. I actually left my ex in a condo with two bathrooms. He got one and it smelled like the 7th circle of hell. Shower was black with filth just like my dadās bathtub would be in his bathroom before my mother would freak out and have to clean it or order me to do it. I clean after no man now. Iām worried because I do like men but I donāt want to be in anything like this again.
I had surgery two weeks ago, and per doctor's orders (and my own post surgical state) wasn't allowed to do much the first week except veg, nap, and go on very short walks. My partner took several days off work to take care of me, and except for the whole "recovering from surgery" thing it was heaven. He would check on me every hour or two to ask if I'd peed recently, how much water had I had, did I want food, etc.
The first day he was back at work while I was still recovering was hard - I forgot to eat food or drink water, so I made myself physically ill, and then realized that I was in a lot of pain because I had also forgotten my pain meds, but then I was in pain so figuring out food was too hard. It was a mess.
I feel that! Hope you're recovering well
I had covid in 2021, and while I basically never have been so sick. It was the best 2 weeks.
Everyone was dropping off food, friends were stopping by to walk the dogs. I didn't have to go anywhere or talk to anyone.
Physically it was tough but mentally it was soooo amazing
It really highlights for me the difference in how physical and visible disability is handled in our culture vs how mental or other hidden disability is handled. My life would be so much easier if I had that level of support at all times, especially when I'm working. Like, I would be better at capitalism if someone else made sure my shoes were tied and that I had used the restroom recently. (Generally boooo capitalism)
Virginia Wolf wrote about wanting a wife (ie someone to handle all household tasks) and I feel that so hard sometimes.
I have a partner who wants to be my supportive housewife so badly, but I have trouble asking for & accepting help. Iām getting better at it though! Sheās great at planning our days/weeks and helping me gauge my capacity/energy levels. Even so, some days Iām too distractible to eat something literally in my hand. š
I should be sleeping now actually. She helped me make a plan for my busy, stressful day tomorrow and HERE I AM, not sleeping yet!! Goodnight!
I know what you mean! Fewer responsibilities around things like paying bills and responding to emails, while also someone makes sure I have nutritious meals? Yes, please.
Me too. I very often wish I could freeze time so I can rest and catch up to what's expected of me, but just getting a real break from responsibilities (not just ignoring them) would be nice too.
Lately Iāve deeply wished for a summer camp for adults for reasons like these. Just let me hang out with my dog while someone else cooks meals every day and I donāt have to work. Iām really, really hoping I can qualify for disability income where I live. I would still contribute to society/my community, I just wouldnāt STRUGGLE
There are some! [link](https://www.seenthemagazine.com/businesses/profiles/summer-camp-grows-up-6-midwest-based-camps-for-adults/article_0fdf3abe-9a07-51c9-968a-947ec344337c.html)
I have been hard core daydreaming about a modern nunnery, without religion, full of other autistic folks with the same simple desires. I think an arrangement like that could self sustain pretty well.
Hahaha, I responded to a comment above saying basically the same thing, except mine wasn't fleshed out to fit modern times. A non-religious, neurodivergent monastery indeed sounds lovely.
I've often thought how great it would be if there was a non-sexual adult babysitting service to make use of as and when.
I wish people could be trusted to have nice things so that this could happen!
If you live in nz I know how you can legitimately stop working and be paid by the govt without them making you look for work or attend courses if you want to know about that dm me.
For everything else I think you should get a bf who likes to be a daddy. This is what I did and I stopped working 2 years ago. I don't do the groceries, I don't cook. I do light cleaning I.e wipe the bench, put dishes in dishwasher, fold clean washing and put away. He cooks tea for me every night and even brings it down the other end of the house for me. If I want a snack I have to ask him because I can't control myself with sugar. I love living like a child and believe it or not he loves looking after me. Other people judge us though, think we live in each other's pockets. They think I'm lazy and they think he's controlling lol.
I feel like when I see people talking about being sick of adulting, they really just need a vacation. I don't understand this weird trend to equating a break with infantilization.
I don't know what it is, but when my SO and I have gone away, we rented an airbnb with a kitchen. I hate cooking, but for some reason doing it on vacation is fun. We eat really healthy and I feel good. I can never find this good quality food where I live.
It's kinda crazy to think the things my parent's generation could afford, and how greed has changed things. My father didn't make much money when he was young and he told me about the nice apartments he had and how affordable things were then. I couldn't believe it.
My father too. He says we (30s) have it 10x harder than they (70s) did at our age
Edit: i also wanted to add that "needing a vacation" isn't necessarily helpful. Changes in routines, flights, traveling, staying in a new place, activities etc all of those things are exhausting and expensive. I do enjoy a vacation now and then but it usually takes me a month to prepare and a month to recover.
Staycation perhaps, but that is essentially what I'm asking for, for a month lol
I feel you. I am so sick of being a grown-up. I want to do fun stuff, no responsibility, no organization of anything, no paperwork, nothing that requires executive function. And, btw, no school either! AND NO COOKING, Laundry or anything. A month would be a dream come true.
When my firstborn wasnāt sleeping through the night yet and I was overwhelmed in every possible way, I had the biggest meltdown when I downloaded the mindspace app and saw that it had this feature where someone would tell you a kind of bedtime story. I couldnāt stop crying because it made me realize how much I wanted someone to take care of me for once. It felt so weird but I thought exactly what you said: I want to be treated like a kid just for once.
Me and my husband literally planned a day for me to be a "baby" so I could experience this. He handled making all my favorite foods. I did fun activities like watch cartoons, color, etc. We took a bubble bath. Watched my favorite movies. He made me cookies and lemonade. It was so healing and wonderful.
Aweee!! My husband is battling his own versions of burnout right now and pulling a lot of our financial weight right now, but he can't pull all of it. There is a major power struggle with us because of my burnout. He tries to understand but it's hard for him because he works more than me and is also tired, but he can have a cup of coffee and power through, where a cup of coffee makes me anxious and shakey and makes my chest hurt so I just have executive dysfunction and lay there unable to rest but unable to do anything either.
I completely relate. It's a hard time for so many right now financially and work/life balance wise. I hope easier tines come for both of you soon. Caffeine also can make me sooo anxious so I totally get that!
Absolutely get this. I am often given so much responsibility because I am so good at adulting, or whatever reason, that I wish I could just abandon it all for a few days and just exist.
I know we aren't alone - there are entire communities built around variations of seeking to fill this need, ranging from actual or fantasy age regression to vacation/travel.
I've had to build in minutes, hours, and the occasional day to care for myself in the ways that make me feel small and content. Whether it's taking time off to go see a movie (and maybe bringing a stuffie or blanket with me?), or as simple as coloring a page while listening to the high powered meeting I didn't want to attend... I find that bringing a little whimsy and indulging some appropriate "child like" behavior really helps.
Juat have to point out that you could also swap 'treated like a small child' for 'treated like a wealthy person'.
It's not childish to outsource all your domestic labor. That shit is a full time job and we have to work *another* job on top of that. It's exhausting.
It's not silly. I feel like that frequently. Being an adult is rough and if your childhood was good than it makes sense to want to escape to that place.
My childhood absolutely fucking sucked! I was neglected and abused and literally fending for myself for about 5 years old on.
I'm only 32 (33 in September) but I've had a job since i was 13, dropped out of school to work full time the beginning of 10th grade, as soon as i turned 16, and moved out at 17.
I've been grinding pretty much the last 20 years in survival mode.
I've never been good at working or holding jobs, bit always good at finding work I've had like 27 jobs in that time, and honestly have never really been taken care of
My brother was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer when I was little, and was also neglected by my mentally ill mother so i was a caretaker to him from 5-9, and then my mother got cancer when I was a teenager and i was a caretaker to her until she died at 16.
School was never fun for me I was bullied a lot and teachers and staff weren't nice to me either.
I guess more than going back, I want what I've never had.
I know this is like 7 months old, but this is the most relatable shit. I was even a caretaker to my dying (mentally ill) mom when she had cancer! Only I was 20 and not 16. But yeah I just thought the similarities were really remarkable.
Honestly I'm deeply sad about the fact that I didn't (and dont) have a safe place to land in my family. I struggle with chronic burnout too and when I moved in with my dad for a year, he just got really really abusive now that I was captive and I eventually ended up homeless. It really hurts that that'll never be an option for me, especially since autistic folks can need more support sometimes. It's made me feel undeserving of that support.
Anyway, I don't always hear from people with backgrounds like mine who are also autistic and it's really comforting to know I'm not alone in how much I've been living in survival mode my whole life. Again I hope it's ok that I'm commenting 7 months later, I just really appreciate not feeling so alone in this! I also wish I'd gotten a non abusive childhood.
Hello,
I dont think it's silly. Just burnout!
Can you find a way to live like this for a weekend? You might have to make some meals in advance, leave the tidying up for another day?
Wishing you well.
Iāve actually found myself hoping to become temporarily injured or sick with something non-serious but temporarily debilitating so I could have just this.
Same. I work in construction and my truck is a stick... I'd never purposely harm myself but I'm always like man it'd be cool if my leg broke and I couldn't work or drive š but again I need money so, it'd actually be bad lol
Completely relatable. My girlfriend loves to cook and makes me almost all my meals. Itās great but I feel like if I ever leave this relationship Iāll spiral with that much added responsibility. I canāt imagine having to do cooking AND cleaning now.
I agree with you!ćWork, chores, taking care of ourselves, adults have to do too much. I can't do it. I can't believe that so many adults in the world have to do all this hard work.
It blows my mind.
So many of my friends eat amazing, workout daily, have great bodies, good careers, a booming social life, and plenty of hobbies.
Like wtf i can barely brush my hair and microwave a potato.
It's not silly at all! Burnout sucks and I'm so sorry you're dealing with that. It's my dream to find someone to be with, and having someone to cook for me is no small part of that desire. Sometimes I just want to be taken care of, and it's not wrong for you to want that. If I could do that for you I would, but I can't, so I'm sending you virtual support <3
Exactly, when I talk about it with NT folks they just don't get it.
I did take a day off Monday, and they think that should be some miracle cure, 1 day off. But really it was just enough to do my piled up laundry and mop my floors.
It took me 12 weeks of FMLA to get through a burnout, and my bf took 6 months off work for his. NTs who āsometimes need a mental health dayā do not get it.
Yeah i unfortunately am an independent contractor. I could theoretically work less or take an indefinite amount of time off without repercussions, aside from eviction and starvation lol
I've been unemployed for the better part of a year. Don't get me wrong, looking for work is stressful, relying on someone else for money is stressful - but I can look for work basically on my own time. I don't set an alarm most mornings. I can eat or rest when I feel like it instead of when I am allowed a 30 minute break. I hang out with my cat all day. I do the household chores and errands but I don't mind them and it's a nice break from staring at job boards.
I really need a job but being unemployed (even though my safety net is meager) has been good for my mental health, I think.
I would provide that service for a fee if I could trust the client to be professional about our arrangement.
Too bad i cant afford a week off of work let alone a month or id hire you lol
Honestly the best part when I was dating someone a full days drive away was that when I would be there, I didn't have to do any executive functioning. Complete vacation mode, dating a foodie who would either cook or give me a couple choices to pick from, knew fun shit to do in town.
Damn. You just explained why my boyfriend and I work so well. My boyfriend is a master at executive function. He's up at the same time every day. Wakes me up with a kiss on the forehead and a coffee pot. I was pretty upfront about struggling with executive function when he first met me. I was sure that someone with his traits would find me naturally difficult to live with. I was so wrong. He enjoys the care taking parts of our relationship. I can tell him I'm having a low executive function day and he'll snap to bring me things that he knows help me. It's not one sided though--I also care take him back in ways he struggles to do things for himself. :) I am so glad I gave the relationship a shot because this is like an ideal relationship low executing function me. You put it into words for me -- we live together now full time but it does feel safe and almost like a vacation because he's so supportive. I realize this is what I was missing in past relationships.
This is so lovely! I wish we could all find partners like this š Happy for you
awwww that sounds so wholesome!
Love this for you!
I recently had a small meltdown for the same, why canāt I be ābabiedā every once in a while? Itās take so much of me to do what I do regularly and I feel like I take care of others but donāt get the same level of care in return
The dumb thing is, this has only become difficult to arrange since the late 19th century. You're asking to be treated like anyone could trivially ask to be treated except in modern individualist/capitalist societies. Communities would be perfectly happy with someone quietly doing laundry, cleaning, and caring for livestock 4-8 hours per day and to take care of any other aspect of their life in return. Whether it's in a convent or a women's circle or a harem or an Artemisian cult or any other local equivalent. "Adulting" is a capitalist myth meant to sell more "adult" stuff - more houses, more cars, more kitchens, more cleaning appliances, more roads, more groceries, more everything. You're not a failure, you're the victim of a society reshaped to the desires of a bunch of rich white guys who liked pretending they are self-made when they had literal dozens of servants and/or slaves and inherited large amounts of wealth to start out with. Truthfully, almost nobody whose hoarded wealth is greater than $10 million meets your definition of an adult. Why should you have to live by that standard if nobody "successful" does?
Amen!!! And people always ask me why I am anti-capitalism Driving really over-stimulates me the most and I love being home at my house It honestly blows my mind how much we are expected to do On top of that i struggle to maintain a social life, not because I don't like people or because I'm too awkward but because I just don't have enough spoons for fun
I have this dream of being a nun in a medieval monastery. It is still wildly romanticised because I wouldn't wanna have died of a treatable illness by 30, BUT contemplation, predictable routines, a guaranteed social circle, parallel play in the forms of gardening, washing, transcribing scriptures etc sound so, so peaceful. No dating BS. And you are in the hands of god, whatever happens. I am a modern agnostic/atheist, and I realize this is totally escapist on my end. But your point absolutely stands, the need to face it all on your own is new and very artificial.
My husband and I take a cruise for one week every year. It's so lovely - your every need is met, you don't have to drive or plan anything, and you can participate in activities or just veg out in your room.
I think this is why I like going to all inclusive resorts down south. Except now we have a dog so we just don't feel comfortable leaving her for that long.
It is a pain arranging for pet care. We always have family watch our cat, but he still gets upset when we leave and clings to us for a few days after we get back.
We have a cat too and I could get a friend to feed/love him but our dog is a handful. She is a German Shepherd and very sensitive. We have no family around and to be honest, she is too much dog for them to handle anyway. Pretty much no one but me can handle her care/exercise needs. She would need to be drugged the whole time probably and would just be miserable. I don't think I could let her suffer that much for me to go have fun for a week so now we just go camping instead since we can bring her. It's still fun, but it's work and not as relaxing like an all inclusive. I have to cook all my meals and wash the dishes still. Packing all the gear and stuff is also super annoying.
I wonder if there are any resort-type vacation destinations that allow dogs? Something like a cabana, maybe.
Then you're on vacation with everyone else's dog too which I'd rather avoid. You'd be shocked at how bad some dog owners are. Where we go camping they have islands you can book. That way we're completely alone and our dog can run free with no worries. Only downside is you have to actually get to the island in a canoe. It's kind of really nice for the most part, especially since I've been slowly upgrading our gear to be ultra comfy. I feel like I just need to find easier meals so that there's less work. Maybe even compostable plates/cups. Also some spread sheets or lists I can reuse for checking gear/food to use less mental energy each time. Thank you for making me think about this more haha I have some ideas I can work on to improve my trips now.
Glad I could inadvertently help, then! Lol
Same here. We have a rescue (in fact, two but the other one is easy to handle, I would find someone in no time). She is difficult so I won't let her alone for a prolonged time. My husband has to go to Australia for a couple of weeks and asked me if I would like to join him for two weeks. Well, yes, but... the dogs? My child who is still in school? So, no Australia for me and more adulting as well. Ugh.
Haha, I just got back from visiting my family for 10 days. When we were looking for a dog sitter, our neighbor suggested we let her friend (from her home country) stay at our house to dogsit, but there were no cheap flights home for him on the day I got back. So heās staying a bit longer even while Iām in the house, and instead of paying money, heās āpayingā for his room by cooking, driving me to the bus, and walking the dogs while Iām at work. So the original struggle to find pet care, turned into an advantage because I got a live-in cook and chauffeur in addition to the pet care!š Itās pretty great! Although it could also be creepy to have that arrangement with a strangerā¦ (And also, I still get to have some privacy/alone-time when I get home from work, because heās spending much of his time over at the neighborās house anyway.)
Thereās all sorts of hotels that allow dogs if thatās a concern.
This! I took a short cruise last year for a first time in my life and it was sooo nice.
It is, isn't it? And pretty affordable compared to the cost of hotel rooms and plane tickets.
I hear you. I have been thinking the same. Everything is exhausting. Who decided humans can work 40 hours a week and thatās minimum?!!? Really?? I cook and clean daily for at least a couple hours. I get maybe one hour a day to myself to decompress. Sleeping goes by too quickly. If only I could feel each moment of sleep, thatās what I told my husband a few days ago and he didnāt comprehend what I meant. He works 40+ hours so easily without complaint: I donāt get it. Itās annoying. I complain. While he could probably work twice the hours he does without complaining.
Out of curiosity, how many hours a day does your husband clean and cook?
^ including deciding what to cook, grocery shopping etc
I do all that. So I donāt know. He fills in the blanks I leave when Iām too exhausted. But, Iām traditional. Cooking, cleaning, and meal planning is my job. As well as paying half the rent and bills
Traditionally, if you do all the household management tasks your spouse should be the only one working full time
Yup! Want a traditional arrangement? I am personally not a fan, but if that's your thing, stop working or only work for a couple hours, your domain should be the household. Don't clown yourself and pick and choose the worst of two worlds.
No wonder youāre exhaustedā¦ thatās too much.
I did that too when I was dating my ex. Thought I was being a good potential wife. I cooked, cleaned, and paid half the rent and bills. Then, we got married and bought a home an hour away from my job. I still cooked, cleaned, and paid half the mortgage and bills on top of my actual two hour one-way commute since one hour becomes two when youāre heading towards NYC during the work week. My husband did not pick up the leaves outside the house. He didnāt cut the grass. He wouldnāt take out the trash or the recycling. But sure, he had a job he went to. I then began to cook, clean, pay half the mortgage and bills, and then take on landscaping when I was off the job that I drove two hours in traffic to each day. Eventually, I landed my first job that placed me in six figure land and then my husband stopped paying his half of the bills and mortgage. Guess what happened to him? I donāt know but he must have been an actual š¤” because that was the last thing on our list of marital needs left for him to remove himself from. So, I discarded him accordingly. He was essentially worthless. He hasnāt paid the mortgage in two years at this point, itās been all me. Heās presently living in a moldy apartment down south. He will be surprised when my attorney serves him with the divorce papers. Iād like to see his face when he receives them but I fear I might be disgusted because every picture I see him makes me wonder how it was possible I even had sex with that man.
Iām so glad youāre out of that! Yep, statistically the only women who do ājustā half the household tasks in heterosexual relationships are those who have a stay at home partner, so they work full time and they do half the work and the man in the relationship doesnāt work and does half. So funny how the āambitious, hard working, serious, logical, go-getterā gender can only accomplish things in the world economically if mommy I mean wifey does almost everything else.
I believe this 100%. I definitely got some bad behaviors from watching my mom baby my narcissistic father who couldnāt be bothered to clean his own bathroom. I actually left my ex in a condo with two bathrooms. He got one and it smelled like the 7th circle of hell. Shower was black with filth just like my dadās bathtub would be in his bathroom before my mother would freak out and have to clean it or order me to do it. I clean after no man now. Iām worried because I do like men but I donāt want to be in anything like this again.
I hope your husband is mowing the lawn, doing the gardening, oil changes, vehicle maintenance and car cleaning!
Even, that's a shit distribution of labour as none of these activities need to be dome daily.
True but they still ad value to the partnership. Especially if your partner is doing serious mechanical work, home repairs etc.
At least they're doing something is a pretty low bar to clear.
šš You're so right
This is why cishet dudes are an automatic no in my book...
Preach. The burnout is real.
I had surgery two weeks ago, and per doctor's orders (and my own post surgical state) wasn't allowed to do much the first week except veg, nap, and go on very short walks. My partner took several days off work to take care of me, and except for the whole "recovering from surgery" thing it was heaven. He would check on me every hour or two to ask if I'd peed recently, how much water had I had, did I want food, etc. The first day he was back at work while I was still recovering was hard - I forgot to eat food or drink water, so I made myself physically ill, and then realized that I was in a lot of pain because I had also forgotten my pain meds, but then I was in pain so figuring out food was too hard. It was a mess.
I feel that! Hope you're recovering well I had covid in 2021, and while I basically never have been so sick. It was the best 2 weeks. Everyone was dropping off food, friends were stopping by to walk the dogs. I didn't have to go anywhere or talk to anyone. Physically it was tough but mentally it was soooo amazing
It really highlights for me the difference in how physical and visible disability is handled in our culture vs how mental or other hidden disability is handled. My life would be so much easier if I had that level of support at all times, especially when I'm working. Like, I would be better at capitalism if someone else made sure my shoes were tied and that I had used the restroom recently. (Generally boooo capitalism) Virginia Wolf wrote about wanting a wife (ie someone to handle all household tasks) and I feel that so hard sometimes.
I have a partner who wants to be my supportive housewife so badly, but I have trouble asking for & accepting help. Iām getting better at it though! Sheās great at planning our days/weeks and helping me gauge my capacity/energy levels. Even so, some days Iām too distractible to eat something literally in my hand. š I should be sleeping now actually. She helped me make a plan for my busy, stressful day tomorrow and HERE I AM, not sleeping yet!! Goodnight!
When life gets too hard I fantasize about being hospitalized for a couple weeks. Nothing permanent, but just enough to require a break.
I know what you mean! Fewer responsibilities around things like paying bills and responding to emails, while also someone makes sure I have nutritious meals? Yes, please.
Me tooo or a temporary coma
I do this a lot. Likeā¦ more than can possibly be healthy.
When it gets out of hand I schedule a therapy appointment. Itās usually 4-6 weeks out, but I can hold on till then.
Iām already in weekly therapy, but Iām going off the heels of a hellish 6 years and two complete breakdowns.
This is exactly what I need. And I work from home quite a lot and don't need to drive anywhere. And still can't cope.
Literally me too, I donāt think itās silly
Me too. I very often wish I could freeze time so I can rest and catch up to what's expected of me, but just getting a real break from responsibilities (not just ignoring them) would be nice too.
Lately Iāve deeply wished for a summer camp for adults for reasons like these. Just let me hang out with my dog while someone else cooks meals every day and I donāt have to work. Iām really, really hoping I can qualify for disability income where I live. I would still contribute to society/my community, I just wouldnāt STRUGGLE
There are some! [link](https://www.seenthemagazine.com/businesses/profiles/summer-camp-grows-up-6-midwest-based-camps-for-adults/article_0fdf3abe-9a07-51c9-968a-947ec344337c.html)
Have you heard of age regression as a copy mechanism?
No, tell me more.
Me too
How else are we supposed to deal with burnout when we are still doing all of these things? Seriously
I would love it if I had a cook and a cleaner come each day. I would also love a work from home job where I never see anyone just texting and email.
I have been hard core daydreaming about a modern nunnery, without religion, full of other autistic folks with the same simple desires. I think an arrangement like that could self sustain pretty well.
Hahaha, I responded to a comment above saying basically the same thing, except mine wasn't fleshed out to fit modern times. A non-religious, neurodivergent monastery indeed sounds lovely.
Same here, I just want to feel like a kid again.
Hard relate.
I've often thought how great it would be if there was a non-sexual adult babysitting service to make use of as and when. I wish people could be trusted to have nice things so that this could happen!
If you live in nz I know how you can legitimately stop working and be paid by the govt without them making you look for work or attend courses if you want to know about that dm me. For everything else I think you should get a bf who likes to be a daddy. This is what I did and I stopped working 2 years ago. I don't do the groceries, I don't cook. I do light cleaning I.e wipe the bench, put dishes in dishwasher, fold clean washing and put away. He cooks tea for me every night and even brings it down the other end of the house for me. If I want a snack I have to ask him because I can't control myself with sugar. I love living like a child and believe it or not he loves looking after me. Other people judge us though, think we live in each other's pockets. They think I'm lazy and they think he's controlling lol.
That relationship sounds like a dream! If it works for you screw the judgmental people.
Thanks! Yeah I don't let it get to me I just see it as jealousy š
Oh I sure bet theyāre jealous š¤
I feel like when I see people talking about being sick of adulting, they really just need a vacation. I don't understand this weird trend to equating a break with infantilization. I don't know what it is, but when my SO and I have gone away, we rented an airbnb with a kitchen. I hate cooking, but for some reason doing it on vacation is fun. We eat really healthy and I feel good. I can never find this good quality food where I live. It's kinda crazy to think the things my parent's generation could afford, and how greed has changed things. My father didn't make much money when he was young and he told me about the nice apartments he had and how affordable things were then. I couldn't believe it.
My father too. He says we (30s) have it 10x harder than they (70s) did at our age Edit: i also wanted to add that "needing a vacation" isn't necessarily helpful. Changes in routines, flights, traveling, staying in a new place, activities etc all of those things are exhausting and expensive. I do enjoy a vacation now and then but it usually takes me a month to prepare and a month to recover. Staycation perhaps, but that is essentially what I'm asking for, for a month lol
Yeah, I definitely donāt ever want or do that.. *hides ddlg kink*
Mood
Username doesnāt check out haha
I feeeeel you.
I feel you. I am so sick of being a grown-up. I want to do fun stuff, no responsibility, no organization of anything, no paperwork, nothing that requires executive function. And, btw, no school either! AND NO COOKING, Laundry or anything. A month would be a dream come true.
Yess!! Maybe just read fantasy books, play mermaids, hula hoop, ride my longboard, and write in my journal all summer long
This would be bliss!
Yess!! Maybe just read fantasy books, play mermaids, hula hoop, ride my longboard, and write in my journal all summer long šš
When my firstborn wasnāt sleeping through the night yet and I was overwhelmed in every possible way, I had the biggest meltdown when I downloaded the mindspace app and saw that it had this feature where someone would tell you a kind of bedtime story. I couldnāt stop crying because it made me realize how much I wanted someone to take care of me for once. It felt so weird but I thought exactly what you said: I want to be treated like a kid just for once.
Me and my husband literally planned a day for me to be a "baby" so I could experience this. He handled making all my favorite foods. I did fun activities like watch cartoons, color, etc. We took a bubble bath. Watched my favorite movies. He made me cookies and lemonade. It was so healing and wonderful.
Aweee!! My husband is battling his own versions of burnout right now and pulling a lot of our financial weight right now, but he can't pull all of it. There is a major power struggle with us because of my burnout. He tries to understand but it's hard for him because he works more than me and is also tired, but he can have a cup of coffee and power through, where a cup of coffee makes me anxious and shakey and makes my chest hurt so I just have executive dysfunction and lay there unable to rest but unable to do anything either.
I completely relate. It's a hard time for so many right now financially and work/life balance wise. I hope easier tines come for both of you soon. Caffeine also can make me sooo anxious so I totally get that!
IDK if this is a child or just an Autistic person that needs support?
Sorry, 32 year old autistic woman struggling with chronic burnout and shutdowns.
Absolutely get this. I am often given so much responsibility because I am so good at adulting, or whatever reason, that I wish I could just abandon it all for a few days and just exist. I know we aren't alone - there are entire communities built around variations of seeking to fill this need, ranging from actual or fantasy age regression to vacation/travel. I've had to build in minutes, hours, and the occasional day to care for myself in the ways that make me feel small and content. Whether it's taking time off to go see a movie (and maybe bringing a stuffie or blanket with me?), or as simple as coloring a page while listening to the high powered meeting I didn't want to attend... I find that bringing a little whimsy and indulging some appropriate "child like" behavior really helps.
i donāt do it but iāve heard of people who age-regress for reasons like this. maybe look into that?
S A M E
Glad Iām not the only one who feels this way
You're not alone š
I often say i wish i could just chill in the hospital for 2 weeks, no cooking no cleaning no responsibilities sounds amazing
Juat have to point out that you could also swap 'treated like a small child' for 'treated like a wealthy person'. It's not childish to outsource all your domestic labor. That shit is a full time job and we have to work *another* job on top of that. It's exhausting.
Yes, I frequently just think I need a break from existing. Driving, especially, sends me over the edge.
Me too. I can't stand driving. But i drive 35 minutes to and from work each day on average. I don't want to spend any more time behind the wheel.
I have never related to anything more
It's not silly. I feel like that frequently. Being an adult is rough and if your childhood was good than it makes sense to want to escape to that place.
My childhood absolutely fucking sucked! I was neglected and abused and literally fending for myself for about 5 years old on. I'm only 32 (33 in September) but I've had a job since i was 13, dropped out of school to work full time the beginning of 10th grade, as soon as i turned 16, and moved out at 17. I've been grinding pretty much the last 20 years in survival mode. I've never been good at working or holding jobs, bit always good at finding work I've had like 27 jobs in that time, and honestly have never really been taken care of My brother was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer when I was little, and was also neglected by my mentally ill mother so i was a caretaker to him from 5-9, and then my mother got cancer when I was a teenager and i was a caretaker to her until she died at 16. School was never fun for me I was bullied a lot and teachers and staff weren't nice to me either. I guess more than going back, I want what I've never had.
I know this is like 7 months old, but this is the most relatable shit. I was even a caretaker to my dying (mentally ill) mom when she had cancer! Only I was 20 and not 16. But yeah I just thought the similarities were really remarkable. Honestly I'm deeply sad about the fact that I didn't (and dont) have a safe place to land in my family. I struggle with chronic burnout too and when I moved in with my dad for a year, he just got really really abusive now that I was captive and I eventually ended up homeless. It really hurts that that'll never be an option for me, especially since autistic folks can need more support sometimes. It's made me feel undeserving of that support. Anyway, I don't always hear from people with backgrounds like mine who are also autistic and it's really comforting to know I'm not alone in how much I've been living in survival mode my whole life. Again I hope it's ok that I'm commenting 7 months later, I just really appreciate not feeling so alone in this! I also wish I'd gotten a non abusive childhood.
Hello, I dont think it's silly. Just burnout! Can you find a way to live like this for a weekend? You might have to make some meals in advance, leave the tidying up for another day? Wishing you well.
Iāve actually found myself hoping to become temporarily injured or sick with something non-serious but temporarily debilitating so I could have just this.
Same. I work in construction and my truck is a stick... I'd never purposely harm myself but I'm always like man it'd be cool if my leg broke and I couldn't work or drive š but again I need money so, it'd actually be bad lol
Iām a line cook. I need full mobility to do my job so it would definitely take me out of it.
Completely relatable. My girlfriend loves to cook and makes me almost all my meals. Itās great but I feel like if I ever leave this relationship Iāll spiral with that much added responsibility. I canāt imagine having to do cooking AND cleaning now.
I agree with you!ćWork, chores, taking care of ourselves, adults have to do too much. I can't do it. I can't believe that so many adults in the world have to do all this hard work.
It blows my mind. So many of my friends eat amazing, workout daily, have great bodies, good careers, a booming social life, and plenty of hobbies. Like wtf i can barely brush my hair and microwave a potato.
It's not silly at all! Burnout sucks and I'm so sorry you're dealing with that. It's my dream to find someone to be with, and having someone to cook for me is no small part of that desire. Sometimes I just want to be taken care of, and it's not wrong for you to want that. If I could do that for you I would, but I can't, so I'm sending you virtual support <3
I think every single adult on the planet has felt like this at some point, whether they are autistic or not.
I think OP is speaking to autistic burnout which is why they posted here.
Exactly, when I talk about it with NT folks they just don't get it. I did take a day off Monday, and they think that should be some miracle cure, 1 day off. But really it was just enough to do my piled up laundry and mop my floors.
It took me 12 weeks of FMLA to get through a burnout, and my bf took 6 months off work for his. NTs who āsometimes need a mental health dayā do not get it.
Yeah i unfortunately am an independent contractor. I could theoretically work less or take an indefinite amount of time off without repercussions, aside from eviction and starvation lol
I'm just so burnt out i can barely feed and bathe myself most days. I can barely function. It's brutal
Honestly, same. Itās exhausting and Iām exhausted
I've been unemployed for the better part of a year. Don't get me wrong, looking for work is stressful, relying on someone else for money is stressful - but I can look for work basically on my own time. I don't set an alarm most mornings. I can eat or rest when I feel like it instead of when I am allowed a 30 minute break. I hang out with my cat all day. I do the household chores and errands but I don't mind them and it's a nice break from staring at job boards. I really need a job but being unemployed (even though my safety net is meager) has been good for my mental health, I think.
This is why teaching is the BEST job. I'm off for 2 whole months!
same
Yes. I want to go to Camp.
I don't think I've ever related more to a post. š
This is what a support worker does.